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mcstarr · 7 years

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drunk boyfriend tag

summary: dan and phil get drunk and film the boyfriend tag (similar to what shane dawson did) tags: alcohol, so much sweetness and cuteness your teeth will hurt, extreme fluff by: angelboydjh on tumblr word count: ~1.8k first fic posted!! please, ignore any mistakes and reblog and like!! ilu!! send in requests for fics :-) ﾟ*｡:(人´v｀*)☆ﾟ:｡*ﾟ dan and phil got a little drunk. they originally got out some Ribena, which is completely unharmful, until dan spotted vodka on the kitchen counter, which they only keep for parties. its almost gone, with a half a bottle left, so dan thought of an idea. "phil, lets get drunk." phil looked at dan confused; dan never really likes drinking as much as he used to, hes grown, the satisfaction of being drunk doesnt really thrill as much, and its the same with phil. "why?" asked phil, sipping his Ribena. "because why not! we have no meeting tomorrow, we are bored out of our minds, and itll be fun! we'll even be safe, we can control each other well." phil thought about it. he never really likes hangovers, who does? he gets them bad, and he knows dan gets them worse, but dan was right, they were extremely bored and had no meetings tomorrow. phil shrugged, and replied with a sure, causing dan to jump up with joy. dan grabbed the bottle and went to phils room, closing the door, and sitting on his bed. he opens to bottle and pours a lot in his drink, doing the same to phil. there is now many 4 shots full left of the drink and dan was happy he rationed out well. "wanna do a toast?" asked phil. "with our vodka filled ribena?" chuckled dan. phil nodded, giggling a little. "why not?" phil responded, and dan nodded agreeing. they lifted their glass cups up and they look at each other. "to us!" dan laughed at the cliché, but echoed phil, and a clink noise was heard when the touched glasses. dan downed about half of his drink in that one sip, phil only taking a baby sip. phil made a face, hating the taste of vodka. dan hid his disgust, looking at phil. "now we wait." dan took another sip, already feeling slightly dizzy. *:･ﾟ✧ dan was fully drunk. he was giggling, putting his head on phil, slurring his words, all of it. phil was only tipsy. he didnt drink much yet, only about half of his drink. dan, of course, drank all of it, even the rest in the bottle! "phil!" dan slurred out, and phil glanced over slowly, so he doesnt get dizzy, and raised his eyebrow. "we should do a boyfriend tag." phil thought about this. is he that drunk that he doesnt really care if they do one or not? yes. he doesnt really care, its not like itll be posted. phil knows better than that. "sure." phil got up to get his camera from the other side of the room, and dan plopped on the bed laughing at who knows what. it took phil about 2 minutes to set up everything for filming, and an extra 5 minutes to find good goddamn questions. he finally found some question, a total of twenty. he can barely read them because of his blurry vision, and since he didnt have neither his contacts or glasses on. so he grabbed his glasses from the bed side and put them on to see if itll help. nope. he took another sip of his drink and locked his phone. he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. he gets up and turns on the camera, praying to god its in focus. "dan, its on, we are filming." once those words left phils mouth, dan shot up from phils bed and looked at phil. "okay, okay, okay, okay," he kept repeating that until he finally was next to phil on the bed facing the camera. phil giggled at dan, dan looking at him with his red cheeks. "okay, ready, babe?" asked phil, seeing double of dan. dan nodded, and smiled at phil and then at the camera. "okay," phil breathed in and then 'took in his persona'. "hey guys!" he said cheerfully, but all it did is make him dizzy. dan was like, on top of phil, so hes grateful that he was, or phil wouldve fallen over. "im here with dan." phil pointed at him, and dan waved, his white oversized cat shirt being exposed, and you could even see his naked legs, since hes wearing shorts. "we are doing the boyfriend tag." phil said slowly, and dan nodded jumping up and down on the bed. "phil is my boyfriend! boyfriend phil! philip lester, boyfriend!" he yelled, making phil giggle. "okay, want ask the questions, or do u want me go ask them?" asked phil to dan. "ask me the questions! then we will do it back!" dan suggested, and phil nodded encouragingly. "okay, first question." phil unlocked his phone and read it very carefully. "when is my birthday?" he asked. "bonus points for the zodiac sign!" "january 30th, that makes you a......" he strung out the 'a' to think. "an Aquarius! aquarium." he laughed, and phil chuckled. "correct baby." he leaned in to kiss dan, and dan kissed him, tasting of vodka and ribena. "okay, now," phil was going to go to the next question, but dan protested. "now do mine! do mine!" dan pouted, crossing his arms. "june 11th! youre a gemini." phil stuttered out, making dan laugh. "lucky guess." he muttered jokingly. "next question," phil scrolled down the page. "where did i grow up?" "im too drunk for this phil!!" he moaned out. "the north! thats all youre getting." "well, youre not wrong." said phil. "ill give you the point." "what about me?" asked dan. "the south." "ugh! exact place!" "not fair, you didnt do that for me!" "ugh, whatever." dan pouted again. "wipe that pout off your face princess." phil whispered, grabbing dans chin. "im just kidding philly!" dan kissed phil, getting him off guard. "okay, next," phil asked. "whats my middle name?" "michael! these are too easy! i want harder ones. test me!" dan groaned out, and phil rolled his eyes. "okay, okay," phil said. he scrolled down to another website, which had different questions. "how about this: where was our first date?" "EASY!" he yelled, throwing his hands up. "well, kinda," he muttered. "its hard!" "well, tell me." phil said suggestively, leaning closer to dan. "we first met of course at the train station," he muttered out. "and then we went straight to your house, and, did things. does that count as a first date?" this took him way too long to say, as he was stuttering madly. "yes, it does. great job, cutie." phil said happily and leaned in for a kiss. "okay, let me ask the question!" phil started to give him the phone, but dan refused, saying he wants go make one up. "whats the first thing you notice about me?" he asked a bashful. "your smile." phil said simply. no explanation was needed to make dan feel all warm inside. dan covered his face and leaned on phils shoulder, grinning like mad. once he got up, he looked at phil, seeing his wonderful, eyes. "you know what mine is." he muttered, almost inaudible. it was phils turn to blush. they lean in and kiss once again, but longer than before. when they pulled apart, dan was seeing actual stars, and couldnt even understand what was happening, completely forgot about the video. "oh my god, i love you so much." he said in a shush tone, with phils hand on his cheek. they were only a few inches away from each other, and phil loved it. phil was exploding every inch of dans face, and so was dan. every moment phil made, it made him more dizzy and more dazed, but he didnt care. within a few moments, they both locked eyes, and somehow, both remembered they were recording. "uh, one more question," phil stuttered out, as dan looked around for his almost empty drink. "okay, last question. what is my favorite color?" "easy, blue." dan said, as he drank his final sips of his drink before crushed it and threw it. "hey!" phil protested, looking over at the cup. "ill pick it ip later, babe." dan slurred out almost incoherently. "whats mine?" "easy, pink." phil mocked. dan smiled softly, putting his arms around phils neck, phil put this hands on dans waist. "what kind of pink?" he muttered, with his sloppy grin on his face, his curly hair perfect in tack still. (which surprised phil) "pastel." dan groaned jokingly, letting his head drop down onto phils shoulders. "oh my god, i tried to trick you!" dan yelled. "well, you didnt. 8 years of friendship pays off." phil joked. dan put his head on phils shoulder, his head facing the camera. "can we finish? i wanna cuddle with you watch disney movies." phil chuckled and nodded. "we'll finish, lets do the outro." phil tapped dan, so he can get up from his shoulder, but dan didnt move a muscle, indicating hes not moving. "okay, well, goodbye everyone, please like a subscribe to me and dans channel, and our gaming channel! love you!" he waved and awkwardly looked at dan. "i need to turn off that camera baby." dan groaned and got up from phils shoulder. phil got up and turned off the camera, sitting right on his bed again next to dan. "can we just cuddle?" phil can tell dan was getting tired, and getting all drained. he gets like this when hes drunk, but also after recording videos. "of course, princess." phil laid down, then wrapping his arms around dan who is not next to them. they peacefully fall asleep, with the lights on and phils snoring. *:･ﾟ✧ it was the morning, and phil is posting his premade video on lessamazingphil, just a quick vlog from florida. its taking surprisingly long to process, since its only 2 minutes, but phil didnt question it. its almost done, so phil went to go see dan, who has the worst hangover ever. "how are you baby?" asked phil, laying next to dan. "better, how bad was it?" he asked, and phil laughed. "you were fine, not as bad as a few months ago, but you were not any better." dan groaned, and at that moment his phone dinged. he unlocked his phone to see the notification, YouTube popping up, and it was phils new video. "uh, phil." dan said. "yes?" phil hummed. "you posted the wrong video." "what?" phil yelled a little too loudly for dan, as he backed away and gave phil his phone in just one beat. "i uploaded our drunk boyfriend tag." dans eyes widen. "we filmed a video? no way, i dont remember this. did we kiss?" "i was drunk too!" "well, i would keep it up." "why?" "we already made this mistake once, lets just let them have what they want."

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ella-the-vamp-blog · 7 years

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Dan and Phil's boyfriend tag drunk video fanfic

dan and phil got a little drunk. they originally got out some Ribena, which is completely unharmful, until dan spotted vodka on the kitchen counter, which they only keep for parties. its almost gone, with a half a bottle left, so dan thought of an idea. “phil, lets get drunk.” phil looked at dan confused; dan never really likes drinking as much as he used to, hes grown, the satisfaction of being drunk doesnt really thrill as much, and its the same with phil. “why?” asked phil, sipping his Ribena. “because why not! we have no meeting tomorrow, we are bored out of our minds, and itll be fun! we’ll even be safe, we can control each other well.” phil thought about it. he never really likes hangovers, who does? he gets them bad, and he knows dan gets them worse, but dan was right, they were extremely bored and had no meetings tomorrow. phil shrugged, and replied with a sure, causing dan to jump up with joy. dan grabbed the bottle and went to phils room, closing the door, and sitting on his bed. he opens to bottle and pours a lot in his drink, doing the same to phil. there is now many 4 shots full left of the drink and dan was happy he rationed out well. “wanna do a toast?” asked phil. “with our vodka filled ribena?” chuckled dan. phil nodded, giggling a little. “why not?” phil responded, and dan nodded agreeing. they lifted their glass cups up and they look at each other. “to us!” dan laughed at the cliché, but echoed phil, and a clink noise was heard when the touched glasses. dan downed about half of his drink in that one sip, phil only taking a baby sip. phil made a face, hating the taste of vodka. dan hid his disgust, looking at phil. “now we wait.” dan took another sip, already feeling slightly dizzy. *:･ﾟ✧ dan was fully drunk. he was giggling, putting his head on phil, slurring his words, all of it. phil was only tipsy. he didnt drink much yet, only about half of his drink. dan, of course, drank all of it, even the rest in the bottle! “phil!” dan slurred out, and phil glanced over slowly, so he doesnt get dizzy, and raised his eyebrow. “we should do a boyfriend tag.” phil thought about this. is he that drunk that he doesnt really care if they do one or not? yes. he doesnt really care, its not like itll be posted. phil knows better than that. “sure.” phil got up to get his camera from the other side of the room, and dan plopped on the bed laughing at who knows what. it took phil about 2 minutes to set up everything for filming, and an extra 5 minutes to find good goddamn questions. he finally found some question, a total of twenty. he can barely read them because of his blurry vision, and since he didnt have neither his contacts or glasses on. so he grabbed his glasses from the bed side and put them on to see if itll help. nope. he took another sip of his drink and locked his phone. he’ll cross that bridge when he gets to it. he gets up and turns on the camera, praying to god its in focus. “dan, its on, we are filming.” once those words left phils mouth, dan shot up from phils bed and looked at phil. “okay, okay, okay, okay,” he kept repeating that until he finally was next to phil on the bed facing the camera. phil giggled at dan, dan looking at him with his red cheeks. “okay, ready, babe?” asked phil, seeing double of dan. dan nodded, and smiled at phil and then at the camera. “okay,” phil breathed in and then ‘took in his persona’. “hey guys!” he said cheerfully, but all it did is make him dizzy. dan was like, on top of phil, so hes grateful that he was, or phil wouldve fallen over. “im here with dan.” phil pointed at him, and dan waved, his white oversized cat shirt being exposed, and you could even see his naked legs, since hes wearing shorts. “we are doing the boyfriend tag.” phil said slowly, and dan nodded jumping up and down on the bed. “phil is my boyfriend! boyfriend phil! philip lester, boyfriend!” he yelled, making phil giggle. “okay, want ask the questions, or do u want me go ask them?” asked phil to dan. “ask me the questions! then we will do it back!” dan suggested, and phil nodded encouragingly. “okay, first question.” phil unlocked his phone and read it very carefully. “when is my birthday?” he asked. “bonus points for the zodiac sign!” “january 30th, that makes you a……” he strung out the ‘a’ to think. “an Aquarius! aquarium.” he laughed, and phil chuckled. “correct baby.” he leaned in to kiss dan, and dan kissed him, tasting of vodka and ribena. “okay, now,” phil was going to go to the next question, but dan protested. “now do mine! do mine!” dan pouted, crossing his arms. “june 11th! youre a gemini.” phil stuttered out, making dan laugh. “lucky guess.” he muttered jokingly. “next question,” phil scrolled down the page. “where did i grow up?” “im too drunk for this phil!!” he moaned out. “the north! thats all youre getting.” “well, youre not wrong.” said phil. “ill give you the point.” “what about me?” asked dan. “the south.” “ugh! exact place!” “not fair, you didnt do that for me!” “ugh, whatever.” dan pouted again. “wipe that pout off your face princess.” phil whispered, grabbing dans chin. “im just kidding philly!” dan kissed phil, getting him off guard. “okay, next,” phil asked. “whats my middle name?” “michael! these are too easy! i want harder ones. test me!” dan groaned out, and phil rolled his eyes. “okay, okay,” phil said. he scrolled down to another website, which had different questions. “how about this: where was our first date?” “EASY!” he yelled, throwing his hands up. “well, kinda,” he muttered. “its hard!” “well, tell me.” phil said suggestively, leaning closer to dan. “we first met of course at the train station,” he muttered out. “and then we went straight to your house, and, did things. does that count as a first date?” this took him way too long to say, as he was stuttering madly. “yes, it does. great job, cutie.” phil said happily and leaned in for a kiss. “okay, let me ask the question!” phil started to give him the phone, but dan refused, saying he wants go make one up. “whats the first thing you notice about me?” he asked a bashful. “your smile.” phil said simply. no explanation was needed to make dan feel all warm inside. dan covered his face and leaned on phils shoulder, grinning like mad. once he got up, he looked at phil, seeing his wonderful, eyes. “you know what mine is.” he muttered, almost inaudible. it was phils turn to blush. they lean in and kiss once again, but longer than before. when they pulled apart, dan was seeing actual stars, and couldnt even understand what was happening, completely forgot about the video. “oh my god, i love you so much.” he said in a shush tone, with phils hand on his cheek. they were only a few inches away from each other, and phil loved it. phil was exploding every inch of dans face, and so was dan. every moment phil made, it made him more dizzy and more dazed, but he didnt care. within a few moments, they both locked eyes, and somehow, both remembered they were recording. “uh, one more question,” phil stuttered out, as dan looked around for his almost empty drink. “okay, last question. what is my favorite color?” “easy, blue.” dan said, as he drank his final sips of his drink before crushed it and threw it. “hey!” phil protested, looking over at the cup. “ill pick it ip later, babe.” dan slurred out almost incoherently. “whats mine?” “easy, pink.” phil mocked. dan smiled softly, putting his arms around phils neck, phil put this hands on dans waist. “what kind of pink?” he muttered, with his sloppy grin on his face, his curly hair perfect in tack still. (which surprised phil) “pastel.” dan groaned jokingly, letting his head drop down onto phils shoulders. “oh my god, i tried to trick you!” dan yelled. “well, you didnt. 8 years of friendship pays off.” phil joked. dan put his head on phils shoulder, his head facing the camera. “can we finish? i wanna cuddle with you watch disney movies.” phil chuckled and nodded. “we’ll finish, lets do the outro.” phil tapped dan, so he can get up from his shoulder, but dan didnt move a muscle, indicating hes not moving. “okay, well, goodbye everyone, please like a subscribe to me and dans channel, and our gaming channel! love you!” he waved and awkwardly looked at dan. “i need to turn off that camera baby.” dan groaned and got up from phils shoulder. phil got up and turned off the camera, sitting right on his bed again next to dan. “can we just cuddle?” phil can tell dan was getting tired, and getting all drained. he gets like this when hes drunk, but also after recording videos. “of course, princess.” phil laid down, then wrapping his arms around dan who is not next to them. they peacefully fall asleep, with the lights on and phils snoring. *:･ﾟ✧ it was the morning, and phil is posting his premade video on lessamazingphil, just a quick vlog from florida. its taking surprisingly long to process, since its only 2 minutes, but phil didnt question it. its almost done, so phil went to go see dan, who has the worst hangover ever. “how are you baby?” asked phil, laying next to dan. “better, how bad was it?” he asked, and phil laughed. “you were fine, not as bad as a few months ago, but you were not any better.” dan groaned, and at that moment his phone dinged. he unlocked his phone to see the notification, YouTube popping up, and it was phils new video. “uh, phil.” dan said. “yes?” phil hummed. “you posted the wrong video.” “what?” phil yelled a little too loudly for dan, as he backed away and gave phil his phone in just one beat. “i uploaded our drunk boyfriend tag.” dans eyes widen. “we filmed a video? no way, i dont remember this. did we kiss?” “i was drunk too!” “well, i would keep it up.” “why?” “we already made this mistake once, lets just let them have what they want.”

#dan and phil #dan howell #phil lester #phan #phandom

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flauntpage · 5 years

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Your Monday Morning Roundup

Battle stations?

"…but I keep hearing there's a lot of momentum and traction for Bryce Harper signing with the Phillies. He could be rounding third and heading home shortly.

I think Harper is ready to go."

–@JimBowdenGM https://t.co/9fulzNXel1

— Joe Giglio (@JoeGiglioSports) February 16, 2019

Bryce Harper, who has been waiting for someone to meet his price, appears to have found that team in the #Phillies. There is no deal yet but he will ultimately receive more than the 10-year, $300 million contract he turned down from the #Nats in September.

— Bob Nightengale (@BNightengale) February 17, 2019

That looks good. I think.

More on Bryce Harper after the jump:

As things intensify, Bryce Harper has multiple long-term offers for more than 30M a year. Philly is viewed as the favorite, as said here, but it is also said to an “evolving” market.

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeyman) February 18, 2019

While the Phillies have made progress and are seen as the favorite for Harper, especially with the self-proclaimed stupid money, several teams are said to still involved, including both the Giants and Padres.

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeyman) February 18, 2019

God. Dammit.

Just end this. Pick a damn team, sign the money, play baseball. Free agency in this sport is unbelievably dumb. And then there’s probably going to be a strike next season.

Anyways, Harper did comment on Rhys Hoskins’ Instagram post. So that’s all we have. I don’t know what to expect. As far as I’m concerned, the world might end before Harper picks a team. Ben Simmons gets a jumper going on a consistent basis before Harper signs. The XFL will start and then probably go out of business all before Harper puts his name on a dotted line with a club. Who knows.

Before we continue, a word from our sponsors:

Legal. Check out Krasno, Krasno and Onwudinjo when you need a workers’ compensation or social security attorney.

Shirts and more. Get geared up for the Sixers. Shop now.

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Amazon. If you shop Amazon, support your favorite website and use our link.

The Roundup:

The Flyers swept the Red Wings this weekend. Saturday, the team gave up a 5-1 third period lead but managed to win 6-5 in overtime thanks to Travis Konecny. Last night Oskar Lindblom scored twice in a 3-1 win in Detroit. Carter Hart won both games in goal.

Up next is Tampa Bay tomorrow night. With Hart playing both games this weekend, could we see the Flyers debut of Cam Talbot? Talbot was acquired from the Edmonton Oilers for Anthony Stolarz.

With the trade deadline quickly approaching, could the Flyers give up on Shayne Gostisbehere?

After being part of a Jeopardy answer, Gritty is now the hype man for the Fusion.

All-Star Weekend has come and gone. Couldn’t care less about it. Joel Embiid had the time of his life however.

Meanwhile, Markelle Fultz’s mom said some things. And Coggin writes why Fultz and the Magic are a perfect fit.

There’s also the NBA jersey of the future which will certainly excite Fultz Magic fans when he sucks. Don’t like him anymore? Switch to a Terrence Ross’ name and number.

In college hoops:

Villanova blew a 19-point lead to St. John’s, 71-65 at MSG. At least their lacrosse team upset the top-ranked team in the nation on Saturday.

Temple had a huge 70-69 overtime win over South Florida.

Penn defeated Dartmouth in overtime on Friday, but fell to Harvard in OT on Saturday.

St. Joe’s, Drexel, and La Salle all lost by a good amount.

In other sports news, Denny Hamlin won his second Daytona 500 in four years.

Francis Ngannou knocked out Cain Velasquez in 26 seconds last night. It was more enjoyable than the NBA All-Star Game:

youtube

Mike Moustakas is staying with the Brewers on a one-year, $10 million deal.

Colin Kaepernick and Eric Reid settled with the NFL.

The Mountain broke his own deadlift record.

In the news, Penn State’s THON raised more than $10.6 million.

The brothers who “attacked” Jussie Smollett told police they were paid by Smollett to orchestrate and stage it.

The post Your Monday Morning Roundup appeared first on Crossing Broad.

Your Monday Morning Roundup published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

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perstephonebartusisyphus · 7 years

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Useful aggression

I went wandering looking for a friends studio with a home depot bucket full of vegetables and flowers. Couldnt find it. Found a stone bench and tried to lay down, anger filling up my eyes. Odd thing was the sky looked pixelated, like shifty like space in the matrix full on glitching. As i felt sleep coming ove,r a bagpipe sounding the ode to joy began. Opposite reaction, grumbling, getting up, having imaginations of puncturing the bag pipe with a twig and running off laughing, giving a personal ode to joy, imagining the bagpipe deflating in some odd tonality like a sad, or irate goose. All the carriages going by, tour guides talking about how the rebel army would have been absolutely slaughtered. Me growling again, sneering at the bagpipe. Folks walking by, noticing my aggression, commenting unsteadily how the bagpipe is their heritage. Me laughing at them. Feeling odd about it, because how odd is it, how unsettling for a person to embody and direct anger. How uncouth for someone to embody and direct their anger. Me angry at this illusion, feeling consumed in a fantasy. Walking to independence mall and someone dressed in colonial uniform having small white children with toy guns following orders, not aware at all that if they werent white, they could be shot in the park. Me standing there, staring, wondering why we place so much value on war on death on that being victory, knowing these children do not know this yet. Wonder if they will, anger writhing, sadness biting, bucket full of vegetables shivering, wriggling out my anger. Theyre having fun, photos being taken. Disney. Obsessed with this dizzinessland. Victory, oh victory, freedom. Me loling. They continue on in their tour, when theres only a rollercoaster in the mind. Head to the liberty bell, stare at the people in line. What are they doing? Do they believe any of this? What is this heritage? Lean on a placard, turn around and read the placard about washington. Washington traveling with those he enslaved. Washington leaving with those he endlaved every 6 mos to subvert the legislation stating if an enslaved person stays in pa for six months they would be free. I read the placard over and over again, begin noticing that some in line begin doing the same. On market street, right beside the line, the white extremist mic is going full blast. "Gays going to hell, everyone going to hell" I stand in front of the person with the mic, stand in front of him, absorbing his waves, staring him down. Practicing facial expressions of bemused detachment, side eyed pseudo interest, confuddlement, my face an ocean of inscrutable emotions, challenging his facade of masculine, thinly veiled white supremacy. He calls "me" out. Yeah you hey you with the bucket, you have no wedding ring on, you look like one of those feminazis, yeah you i bet you cant even cook those vegetables. You cant cook. You cant do anything, you have no man, i bet youre a lesbian. Unphased, ive been through deeper challenges to personal offense. "Wheres your permit to be here sir?" "My permit is the United States Constitution" "You just told me everything i needed to know, brother" "Dont you call me brother, i'm not your brother" "Were in philly, you're my brother... where are you from brother?" I like noticing that he's shifting his weight, changing his stance. Others chime in too. He attacks another person in line who challenges him "I bet she's your girlfriend" "Oh im not gay anymore, brother?" "Youre going to hell" "Youre already in hell" I go to the sidelines, consider lobbing a hard, perfectly grown, red cabbage at his stupid fucking head, stuffing his nostrils with chamomile, pouring cold mint tea over him, covering his eyes with kale leaves, putting summer squash in his hand, spitting chewed up basil at him like a llama. I look to the guards onlooking, knowing that if this escalates, theyll have to put themselves in harms way, protect this fucking fool. I walk away, wondering wondering wondering about all the noise, that noise, that disgusting noise. Sit next to a person with a cardboard sign. Offer him some food. He doesnt want it. "If i had a stove, i would thank you and take it" I have no money to give him that isnt tied up in digital plastic, that isnt tied up in the noise. I give him the chamomile, i smell it, est some squash. He takes the chamomile. I tell him to smell it if he wants a bit of peace. Walk away. Get two powerades at the dunkin donuts, leave, realize how quickly i forgot the man and shouldve gotten him a donut or a sandwich. Fuck. Sit down in front of the roundhouse and think about my grand dad who was there so many times. Bipolar. Perpetually homeless. Pretzel salesman. Dead now. Think im converging on a smile when i feel his spirit somewhere, man walks by, cigarette behind ear "It gets better" "Thank you" Keep walking. Try to cross vine street on the highway entrance. A barrel burning, some mattresses on the corner. Leave all of the vegetables, the taste of fresh food, with all that water and life in it, giving. Keep walking. Cross over spring garden, come up 5th, the buildings the buildings, the dust, the tells, the do not walk heres, the commerce, people moving in. Shouting "hamster cage hamster cage hamster cage" then get to the brick homes "old style hamster cage" Wondering what it must have looked like, felt like, to see the estuary and ecosystem slowly disappear, the tributaries covered in gravel, the people coming in a sewing, smelteries, going back and forth between factory and hamster cage, the slow recession of the scope of imagination. Screaming now "14 New condos? 14 new condos?" See people taking an instagram photo of a scratch of lottery ticket. "Hows your new hamster cage?" They scurry...cant think of another word. They scurry away, and dont answer. Round the corner to the garden, imagine falling in the holes of the 6 new "foundations, see the scorched soil, wonder whats buried in it, being exumed and breathing. Not finally like yes! but this is whats been attempted to bury... and now its convenient to exume it but never no mind everything that comes along with the soil. Oh the soil, the soil that lives, pushed aside to become made dead again, with maybe a plant or two. What a metaphor to misplaced ego, to the vessel which xan create when it manifests its entire self. Build buildinfs. Plant some landscaping. Talk about relationships. I flash to imagining pummeling cabbages again.

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almostnomadic · 7 years

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So my dad died over thanksgiving and it was fucking terrible.

He was diagnosed with cancer about 6 weeks before he passed.

Watching him dissolve into nothing obliterated me. Sneaking my father water when the nurses said he wasnt allowed killed me. Begging him not to pull out his needles and cords was just unimaginable. He was my dad. He protected, loved, taught, and took care of me my whole life and to switch roles so quickly and so drastically was really really difficult.

I worked so hard to take care of him and be there for him before he passed. But in the end he still died. that type of result doesnt make sense to me. It all felt for nothing. Typically if i work very hard i achieve my goal or if i am unable to do so I can try again. But my father could only die once. So when he was gone. he was gone. nothing seemed to matter.

While he was dying I made a tremendous effort to just focus on the issue of the moment rather than on the fact that he was dying. If i could be at the hospital at a certain time to speak to a certain dr. I would be there. If my dad was having unsusual pain i would sneak into the nurses lounge and steal ice and the sort to help him. This was the only way that I could help him without freaking out every moment.

Days in the hospital were so long and exhausting. Dying is a very tiring and expensive ordeal. He would be uncomfortable every 4 mins or so. So we could never leave his side and then adjust his legs when he needed because he was too weak to do it himself.

His legs became so large and swollen that one could think they would burst. He developed deep veined thrombosis, something that the hospital never told my family and me about but something that i remembered writing a paper about in high school. It meant he could have an aneurism or heart attack at any moment. This was a terrifying revelation. especially because I had had it after visiting him in Philly and returning to Chicago for grad school.

Traveling from chicago to Philly for thanksgiving was very expensive and i had no way to pay for a ticket home. The drs. gave him a couple of months left to live at this point so i figured that is wouldnt be the absolute end of the world if I wasnt home for thanksgiving. Especially if i was going to be done with my semester the week after. Luckily my friends at school thought better. They all pulled their money together and got me the $600 ticket home for thanksgiving. I am forever grateful.

When I arrived for thanksgiving i could tell that my father was deteriorating quickly. I spent thanksgiving day with him so my mother, who had never left his side, could take a break and eat and breathe for a moment. I spent the night in the hospital so she could sleep for the first time in a month. In the middle of the night he got very cold and his heart went so fast that it was very likely that he would have a heart attack, tachycardic. I got the nurses and drs to help him . eventually they decided that he needed an immediate kidney surgery. However the man who told me this directly told my father, a man terrified of dying, that it was useless and he would be wasting resources for trying to elongate his life. I nearly decked the piece of shit. But I didnt so I wouldnt be kicked out of the hospital.

When they took my dad to go for the surgery, I went with him. And I did not wake my mother to tell her. I wanted her to sleep. So it was 4 am after no sleep and this 60 year old surgeon tells me how terrible i look and that theres a good chance that this surgery wont work but also that they have to put a tube in my dads throat to keep him breathing during the surgery. He told me that the issue with this is that they may never be able to take out the tube again. This would have meant that my father would be put unconscious, and if this was the case, according to his living will they would pull the plug in a few days. I had no choice in the matter. I was simply told that and given my fathers wedding ring to hold.

Holding that ring was absolutely wrong. It was not mine. Why should it ever not be on my father?! I of all people should not be holding it. What if the surgery didnt work? What if he had to keep the tube in!? He would be dead in a few days. Did I sign his death certificate?

I was balling in the waiting room of the OR waiting for my fathers surgery to be done. I remember trying not to make noises as not to draw too much attention to myself but it was no use. It was so fucking hard to wait and see. I was a goddamn wreck.

Finally the surgeon came out and said the surgery had went well and i screamed asked him if the tube was taken out. He said yes and i could finally breathe. I dont know what I would have told my mother if he had died and I did not wake her to let her say goodbye. Once I got the good news I went back to my fathers room, he had to wait in the recovery room, so i slept for two hours.

The next day my father seemed a lot better. i thought we might actually be able to get some more time out of him. Unfortunately later on that day he became unconscious and to my knowledge never fully came back. It looked like he was sleeping but he was gurgling like he was drowning the whole time. HIs nurses insured us that he was in no pain. But the sound was just terrifying.

Once he opened his eyes for a while. My two siblings, mother and I went to him at this point and said our goodbyes. We thanked him for everything he did and told him how much we loved him and how glad we were that he was in our lives. Saying a final goodbye to someone is so much. You feel terrible that this is it. You are unsure that youre saying the right thing or not. Also you dont know if youre just making things worse for them by telling them it is the end.

My mother is a deeply religious woman. She maintained throughout his entire illness that he would get better. Even after we said our goodbyes and the drs and nurses told us it was it, she held on. She told me she was just waiting for him to get up and be fine. She was expecting it.

That fucked me up. How do you tell your mother that your father is gone and is never coming back? So on Monday November 28th around 11 pm my mom told me to leave the hospital so I could go home and sleep. She went to the bathroom before I left so I had a few minutes with him alone. I told him I loved him and was sorry for being a shitty teen and how much I loved him. I also told him he needed to let go. That this was killing my mother and that she could not go on this way. That he needed to let go and that everything was going to be ok. I still feel guilty about this.

At 1:30 am on November 29th, 2016, I awoke to a phone call from my hysterical mother that my father had died. I threw on the closest clothing i could find and drove to the hospital. I couldnt think about the facts because otherwise I would have crashed.

I got there and there was my mother, balling in the arms a sweet looking nurse. I ran to her and hugged and cried with her for so long. I finally looked at my father. He was so thin. There was nothing to his face but bone. His eyes were bugged out to wide and his mouth was fallen ajar. This was the most terrible thing I have ever seen in my life. My fathers freshly lifeless corpse.

At one point a nurse came to me and told me we would at some point need to leave. I felt so small. I never felt as such a helpless creature as in that moment. I had to tell my mother this and gave her another 30 mins with her husband before they would wheel him away.

god dammit why?This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Leaving my father’s lifeless body at the hospital that we blame for killing him. It felt like a terrible betrayal.

Loosing my father has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Nothing feels or looks right. All future events and achievements will be lacking and feel hollow. Everything hurts and I want it to go away.

Maybe this pain will diminish one day. But for now I have a huge hole in my heart

#Cancer #Dad #daughter #death #personal

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