#you can add me to the list too

[assassinnumber9]

Yor Forger Turning Women Bi

#spy x family #yor forger #spyxfamily #melinda desmond #spy x family camilla #spy x family millie #spy x family sharon #turning people bi #you can add me to the list too

[c00kietin]

FANDOM/FRANCHISE-RELATED ASKS (feel free to use em!!)

1. What fandom/s are you currently obsessed with?

2. Roughly, how many fandoms are you in at the moment?

3. What is a new fandom you joined recently?

4. What fandom have you been in for the longest?

5. Favourite character?

6. Least favourite character?

7. Have you ever drawn fanart for the fandoms you're in?

8. Have you made OCs for any franchise you like?

9. Do you listen to any OSTs from any franchise you like?

10. Are you in any fandom that has a bad/cringey reputation online, e.g. MHA?

11. Have you ever gone to a Con?

12. Have you ever cosplayed?

13. Is there any franchise that you've never interacted with but still know all about it thanks to the fandom? (e.g. never playing Undertale but being in the fandom)

14. Who is your favourite voice actor?

15. What's your favourite genre? (e.g. animated, comedy, anime, action, horror)

16. HOW HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THIS YET- are there any characters you simp for/think are hot

17. What do you think about shipping?

18. If you ship any characters, who do you ship?

19. What is a ship that you dislike?

20. Any hot takes for any fandom you're in?

#these are all that I can think of for now ;v; #I might add to this list later #feel free to reblog #OH! and you can ask me these too! :] #ask game #not art

[jendoe]

hi. wanted to pop in rq and update everybody on how i'm doing bc i don't wanna worry anybody.. i'm alright. it's hitting really hard rn and i keep crying over very very little things but ... i'm alright and i'm taking the steps i need to start my healing journey. just want to thank everybody for being so kind to me during such a difficult time and for continuing to check in on me bc the support is helping a lot ♥ i love you guys you have my heart with you

#*ajtxt #i have a consult with a local counselor this afternoon #and i had a talk on the phone with my specialist so she's going to try to help me the best she can too and check in on me again tomorrow #ill probably stay away a couple more days. just again wanted to #give everybody an update #but im still checking my messages here off and on and i have my discord listed on my pinned if you want to add me there #any comfort and support is really appreciated

[musical-chick-13]

Okay, no, sorry, I’m still mad about this. “Be critical of the media you consume and examine why you react to it in the way that you do, support marginalized and stigmatized identities.” Yeah, until it’s about mental illness.

A woman (or even man, if he’s deemed over-emotional) makes music about suffering from mental illness and people just go, “What are they complaining about, that’s so immature, hashtag wangst.” (And then, sometimes, inexplicably, if the mentally ill woman gets better and writes happier music, they then talk about how artistically bankrupt she is now and that she should go back to hating herself.) People LOVE cis white pRoBLeMaTiC (straight) fictional men until they are realistically mentally ill, in which case they’re “whiny” and “insufferable” and deserve to die violently, apparently (or, if fandom is merciful, they’re ignored). (And then they celebrate when they DO inevitably get killed off.) “Do your duty and watch [thing I, mc13, personally find insufferable] For The (white) Gays because it has Gays.” Sure, will you watch c4 Pure, the ONLY show specifically about OCD, then? (No, the answer is no, it’s always no.)

I can’t get anyone to watch Doom Patrol. I couldn’t get people (in general-I did convince a few irl friends thank GOD) to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. One of the most popular and acclaimed shows right now has a character with schizophrenia who was turned into the Big Bad Villain for no fucking reason. One of the most commonly-cited examples of Iconic™ queer media involves a mentally ill man being broken over and over and over again before The Ship™ can reasonably happen. DW introduced a major character who was at one point suffering from mental illness in her past, AND THEN ALL MENTION OF THIS WAS COMPLETELY DROPPED IN THE FUTURE, WITH NO BEARING ON ANYTHING TO THE POINT WHERE I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED??!?!? R*tched was a thing that existed despite the Sad Sympathetic Backstory treatment being IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION OF WHAT PURPOSE THIS CHARACTER SERVED IN One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. THEY GAVE. A SAD WOOBIE VILLAIN TREATMENT. TO THE /LITERAL PERSONIFICATION/ OF ABLEISM. THAT IS HER FUNCTION. TO EXIST AS A SYMBOL OF ALL THE WAYS SOCIETY OPPRESSES THE DISABLED AND MENTALLY ILL.

I am!!! Literally!!!!! The only one!!!!!!!!! Complaining about these things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else has said ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one is talking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#*OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW REPRESENTATION/FICTIONAL DISABILITY IS NOT THE END ALL BE ALL OF ACTIVISM* #*OTHER OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW LIKING '''pRoBLeMaTiC''' CONTENT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON OR A HORRIFYING ABLEIST* #THIS WAS JUST ME GETTING MAD IT'S NOT THAT DEEP #In the Vents #the real horror was the ableism we found along the way #like. in some of these cases yes I /KNOW/ it was not meant to come across like that!!! but y'all accept that as a valid type of media #criticism when it's about anything else!!!!!!!! just not this apparently????!?!!!! #I do not understand how there is such an ABYSMAL treatment of the subject of mental illness in fiction when this is the #memetic Mental Illness Website like genuinely I do not get it I am scaling my walls and banging pots and pans and growling like a rabid dog #IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT THE MESSAGE A STORY IS TELLING YOU GOTTA APPLY IT HERE TOO #I AM ALSO THE LAST PERSON TO SAY THAT YOU'VE GOTTA ADD A DISCLAIMER OF SOMETHING'S LAUNDRY LIST OF FLAWS BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT IT #BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON SOME LEVEL EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO YOURSELF THAT THINGS HAVE FLAWS #YOU'VE GOTTA BE AWARE OF SHIT #WHEN WILL WE HAVE THE OUTCRY OVER BURY YOUR DISABLED THAT WE DO OVER BYG (WHICH IS ALSO BAD BTW) #I GUARANTEE YOU WE WON'T BE GETTING A SEPARATE FUCKING CON OVER FANDOM OUTCRY THAT'S FOR SURE #I'm making a rule: if you can prove to me that you've started cxgf after reading this and/or if you can prove to me #that you've watched pure (channel 4/hbo max-the one with charly clive) I'll write a fic for you #let's see if I get sniped for criticizing both the beloved sacred mads show AND the plane crash girls show #if I see ONE more comment about how either of those is a perfect show that Gets What All The People Want I will in fact spontaneously #combust. #(and before you @ me yes I have any and all permutations of show tags blocked I'm not just being mean to be mean) #my god remember what happened the last time I tried to talk about this a;lsdfkajs;ldfkj #good thing I turned off anonymous asks!! #this is not even getting into some of the SMALLER fandoms #like I do not ever want to think about the takes I saw for ctrlz EVER again

[arlo-venn]

I made a little amazon wishlist for some of the things I need to help with the broken toe and MRSA things. My hands are already in pain from these crutches, so if anybody would like to buy these cushions for me, I would appreciate it so much. I could draw you your favorite flowers or something in return :•)

#there are just three things on the list #the crutch cushions #antiseptic body wash to prevent MRSA— need to acquire prior to surgery #and to prevent infection beforehand too #and then also Curamin bc it helps me enough with pain to be worth the price #except I do not have the funds with which to purchase it rn #would love to add it to the Percocet and ibuprofen and toradol regimen :’) #no pressure guys I will survive without these things #but my hands on the crutches do feel like I’m leaning directly on bare bone 😭 #also if you want me to draw you your favorite flowers or animal bones or gravestones or brains or something I can make you something for- #between $10-$50 depending on your request #and then mail it to you :) #I’ll make a separate post about that later with photos of my drawing style #I need so many things rn esp an oil change sl #I must find a way to earn some money #I can’t draw all things so we would have to have a conversation about any requests besides the things I listed #to make sure I’m actually capable of doing it well #dogblr #ratblr #catblr

[rapono-writes-stuff]

do you got a favorite writing? be it yours or someone else's

Ooooo yes of course! My tastes/fandoms change over the years but there's some fics that I love to reread and indulge in.

I'll list off some of my faves (in no particular order):

Human Resources Violation by KogoDogo

Not a Man by Anonymous

A Touch Shorter by saintsaint

Alone by CG2

Coming Home by Kirmon64

Imposter Syndrome by TheAsexualofSpades

Behemoth by littleleaflings

Blue Sky by Wafflestories (ff.net)

Solar Lunacy by Bamsara

Cryptid Sightings by NaffEclipse

.:Same Man I Was Before:. by DarkwingSnark

Not too close to Home by retempts

Deadly Doppelganger by SilverStarSheep

Boiling Point by MathanLin

Peaks and Valleys by clefairytea

As for my favourite of my own? Hard to choose, often changes. Sometimes it's just my most recent, sometimes it's just what I'm in the mood for at that moment. Don't be afraid of the big bad eldritch horror, A candle in the cold, and The sound of a waking nightmare are a few I really like but felt like they went underappreciated imo.

#ask #anonymous #As you can tell I ravenously consume fanfic #there's obviously more than this that I love/rec but the list was getting long #ao3 #ao3 recs #fanfic rec #please let me know if any of the links are wrong/broken #hlvrai #fnaf #edit: removed a couple cuz I got worried people might get mad at me for some of my tastes #there were several I didn't add cuz they might cause issues or simply felt too self indulgent to vibe check myself lol #edit2: added 1 new rec #edit3: just gonna reblog this post whenever I update it

[inthewaytoamultilinguallife]

hello, ive been learning portuguese for a bit and i was wondering if you had any recommendations for media? like youtubers, blogs, movies or series. if you do, thanks in advance

uff fuck, i will sure try my best but i can’t promise anything

I normally get my dose of Portuguese via going to academic workshops or working alongside Brazilian people, so I don’t exactly engage with media in Portuguese as a conscious learning process, I'm afraid. Like, for example, i normally just get a bunch of Instagram reels and TikToks cause I'm on the Brazilian side of instagram/tiktok, and not exactly because i follow any particular account or something, and i don’t level or recognize how hard the Portuguese is in each one, etc 

I have some series that i remember watching and liking tho, which are:

De volta aos 15: a drama/comedy series around a 30yo woman that time travels a few times to when she was 15 and tries to fix everyone's life, as one does

A sogra que te pariu: a very absurd sitcom in the best latinoamerican style (and set during covid)

Samantha!: Another comedy, now about a kid star from the '80s who is trying to launch herself back

Lulli: comedy, drama and romance. A medic student gets electrocuted and starts hearing everyone's thoughts

3%: suspense, fiction, drama. Set on a diasporic word where, while everyone gets a one-time change to better their life, only the 3% makes it

Ciudad invisible: Drama, mystery. This one has lots of references to folk culture and stories! It's about a man who, after a family tragedy, starts seeing different mythological creatures that will help him uncover the past

omnisciente: sci-fi, drama, thriller. The city is controlled and watched all the time everywhere by drones. A woman tries to solve a murder that the drones never picked on + plus discover how fucked up the system and the drones are

Coisa mais linda: Drama, romance, set in 1959, after getting cheated on and left alone, a woman sets herself to open her own bossa nova club

ninguem tá olheando: comedy, drama, fantasy after discovering some secrets of the bureaucratic angelic system, a guardian angel set himself to break every rule that there is for protecting humans

Valentina: drama a young trans girl moves to a more conservative rural town 

Alice júnior: Coming of age film about a YouTuber trans girl as she challenges her catholic school's conservative ways 

#you can always check/follow latinotiktoks here on tumblr #there is not only lots of videos in portuguese #but also ppl are always asking for recomendations about music tw shows books etc #specially those that are more closely related to brasil/latine culure(s) #a fair warning about the list above: while several are pretty light. some of the stuff addressed on other will be very heavy #+ as i said. i don't really remember or notices how advanced was the language used #what more? #many of them can be found in myflixerz.to #i sooo wanted to also mention orgulho e paixon which is a telenovela adaptation of all the jane austen books #but it felt a little too much sdjskhkjads #for other types of media/hobbies i just recomend to do what u normally do but search it in portuguese #like i loove to draw and paint and sometimes i look up video reviews of art supply to see which one will be best for me #but instead of searching it in english or my mother tongue #i just search it in portuguese #sometimes is more less of following an account and add them to your already formed rutine and alike #and more like just working and exciting in another language during a normal day

[winchestergifs]

suspended on main once again;

was bound to happen at some point. friends + mutuals please reach me here or on my other other blog @dylantyler

meanwhile i will be here with steam pouring out my ears until these assholes answer my emails. probably not gonna make new posts though since i can’t reblog them. 

#wont be able to reblog things i'm tagged in either of course #but keep tagging me and ill so i can add them to my likes and reblog eventually #please don’t leave me in the meantime :((( #personal #cowboycoven #too upset to try and find my whole mutuals list but you know who you are. ill pin this instead hopefully you'll see it

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

I swear I think I said this somewhere but I'll say it again lmao i think the highlight of my selfshipping self this year was that i really did come to adore my familials and how fun it is to come up with ideas for them. they're a special brand of being comfort character and it's honestly because of me reading pok.espe that made me come to appreciate family bonds

this is corny as hell sorry

#if you think about it. my romantics hasnt changed one bit but my familial list kept piling up this year its so silly but cute #its probably because im riding high on the pokepasta perdition hype in general that's still keeping my brain active for coming up with #rhys and carmine lore. but i don't want to make too much since i feel like there's still room for me to know what happened to carmine #idk but still i just think hes neat :]]] #i like to think this shit started when i saw the swsh camping video with togepi and awakened the inner mom mode in me i never knew i had #~ rambling #and also because of how nero and bee are just as passionate as me about the silly dexholder kids with so much character development hehe #pokespe is just such a great story and you can add so much more ideas and it makes it all the more better #like the whole “jaide and steven are ruby's biological parents” feels just right idk KSKSKAJSJA

[thefunniestguy]

Thinking about Finn Mertens , 12 years old , carrying the weight of protecting an entire kingdom and then some

Thinking about Finn Mertens , 12 - 17 years old , fighting a practically indestructible monster who was the LITERAL EMBODIMENT OF THE EVENTUAL DEATH OF EVERYTHING .

Thinking about Finn Mertens , 17 years old , doing everything within his ability to stop a war that could potentially change the world he lives in for the worst .

FINN MERTENS GUYS ................. LITTLE GUY FINN MERTENS ,,,.,.,.,.,,,,,,,,,,........

#I'LL PROBABLY ADD TO THIS BUT YEAH . JUST HAVING SOME THOUGHTS #it sometimes just hits . wow . bad things happened to a Child #i could honestly do tjis for jake too bc hes on my mind #OR LITERALLY ANY ADVENTURE TIME CHARACTER #literally you could probably give me any AT character and i can list their trauma + why i love them and think of them constantly #seems fun /hj #adventure time

[myriadsystem]

@fangpoint tagged me to share 5 songs ive been enjoying lately! Thanks! So these are the vibes of the moment for moi:

And ill give an honourable mention here because the vocals in this track are transportive

If youd like to share some songs too feel free to participate! @dunkindoenuts @tsami @honourablefool @marvcrawley @ratlingrun @sigatos

#personal #strange vibes generally this year in my music. im keen to see what my wrapped will look like i expect it to be different from previous year #and if anyone wants to participate but doesnt get tagged you can pretend i tagged you too and go for it! #also i hadnt heard bleeders from fangpoints list but its very epic 👍 #thats closer to my usual energy haha i like it a lot #some of you may recognize step back as wrapped winner last year and thats because it will Not leave me alone #Spotify #oh interesting its auto tagged it with spotify i did not add that tag 👀🤔

[dracomeir]

List of all my AUs. Pairings subject to change, but for the most part they're set. Ratings may also change once I actually write the story for these AUs.

Rated M (Due to more violence/mature subject matter) SFW Renegade Detective (Discontinued) | BF x Pico (Switch) Soul Bound Detective (Sequel to above) The Musical Trail | Gibbons x Otis, BF x GF x Pico

SFW for the most part, no smut Drowning in Ecstasy | BF x Pico

Rated 16+ Funkin' Adventures (Complete) | GF x BF x Pico Sanity's Embrace | Darnell x Pico Odyssey of the Sea | Pico x Darnell Crimson Night | Darnell x Pico, GF x BF FNF Soft: Detective's HeART (Complete) | Toughie x Softie FNF Soft: Investigator's HeART (Sequel to above) | Toughie x Softie FNF Soft: Dragon's HeART | Toughie x Softie Fall of Hell's Dynasty (Prequel/Sequel to Hell's Dynasty in Funkin' Adventures) | GF x BF x Pico King's Guard | BF x GF x Pico Shot Through The Heart | Pico x GF x BF The Gods' Will | GF x Pico x BF Guardians of Yggdrasil | BF x GF x Pico, Darnell x Pico, Darnell x Nene Funkin' Starlights | Darnell x BF x Pico, GF x Nene

Rated 13+ Cyber Connection (Complete) | Pico x GF x BF Soul Connection (Sequel to above) | Pico x GF x BF, Darnell x Pico Chained By Fate (Complete) | Pico x BF Blind Guardian | GF x BF x Pico Lone Wolf | GF x Pico x BF I Found A Cat In A Vending Machine & Now My Life Is In Chaos | Darnell x Pico, Darnell x Nene Judgement of Anubis | Rating may change | idk pairings or poly yet

#dracomeir's story list #I have too many ideas #this is more for me #funkin' adventures is 955 pages long btw #yes I'm serious it's that long #the brainrot is real #idk if I'll write all this #I will try though #you can ask anything about these stories #no spoilers though hehe #hahaha I totally won't add more ideas #gods send help #fnf #friday night funkin #pico's school #pico's cousin #bf x gf x pico #darnell x pico #darnell x nene #bf x pico #multishipper struggles #gibbons x otis

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

#long post #cw csa #doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags.... #i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately #snap chats #THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts.. #im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4.. #UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit #I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby #and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them #i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth.. #even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them #i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics #so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects #tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine #the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ?? #in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less #when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense #THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato #even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre #cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist #but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi #BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY #childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️ #tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL #i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good #so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty... #forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still.. #im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That

[songofwizardry]

my youtube home page recommended videos these days are like

video i've already watched

actual video i'd like to watch from a creator i follow

extremely upsetting video that has zero (0) relevance to anything i ever watch

video with ten views of someone's high school graduation or something

shorts i don't want

video i've already watched

video from my watch-later playlist that i saved five years ago

six (6) videos related to home improvement bc i made the mistake of watching one (1) video about fixing something once

tomska????

#i'm being hyperbolic but this is genuinely what it feels like #but also #this is somehow miles better than the “for you” thing that pops up on the search page #i can't find a way to right click on a video in the “for you” section and say 'please dear god never show me this again please?' #whose idea was it to put “for you” in a search page anyway i'm searching for a reason #also #if your cursor hovers too long on a video and it does that autoplay preview thing #why does that count as a view and then go into your history and then fuck up your recommendations literally instantly #why can that be reflected so quickly in my recommendations and not anything else #i am sorry to rant on tumblr but i am genuinely v annoyed about this #tech #youtube #my post #coming back to add that this frustration has caused me to do what i should've done ages ago #and go find the list of ublock origin filters that turns off the recommendations on search pages #so my life is much better #perhaps there was a plus side to my annoyance #but i am STILL v annoyed ok #anyway this is your sign to go do that ublock origin saves my life repeatedly

[seventh-district]

takes a 5 minute break in the middle of writing a scene to sob over Swan Upon Leda by Hozier

#that’s it that’s the post #Seven.txt #writing stuff #hozier #music stuff #cw assault #assault mention #i am. working on something. and realized that the song could fit well into a scene for extra ✨symbolism✨ #so of course i had to go listen to it and add it to the appropriate playlists #thing is i absolutely cannot listen to that song without breaking down in tears so. had a cathartic little cry #mid-writing session. as one does. #i’m sorry but if you expect me to be calm and normal when Hozier is out there being THE Man Ever. it’s not gonna happen #like not to be extreme but i don’t know if there’s another man on earth that i’d feel safer and more respected around #fighting for my life not to put him on a pedestal bc i Know he’s just some guy. he’s just a human like everyone else #but how can i be normal about it when he says women’s bodies have never belonged to angels #so they sure as shit have never belonged to men. #obviously he uses prettier words but. my point stands #comparing men assaulting women to an occupier upon ancient land??? *cries so hard i throw up* #Swan Upon Leda earned the honor of going on the very short list of songs that are too painful for me to listen to as Soon as i heard it #like yeah no i’ll never be able to casually listen to it but that is a Compliment. that means that it means Everything to me #okay anyways. *wipes tears* that’s all i just had to get that out of my system #crawling back into my writing cave now. i shall rejoin the world once this wip is Finished #*whispers* in related news. [N]MbD Sun may be the most insanely overprotective guy on earth but byGOD he never wants to hurt you #anyways eheheeeee back to writing my angst goodbye

[rainbowcolored7]

Jak! Dearly beloved, I'm thrilled to see you on your Musketeers bullshit, you've reminded me how overdue I am for a rewatch. Would you happen to have any fic recs? 👀

Fleet my love! 🥰

*chants* rewatch rewatch rewatch!

I absolutely have recs! (they say as they check their bookmarks to find there is only one and the rest have fucking disappeared?!?! In my search to track them down again I may have missed some sorry...) My otp is Athos/d'Artagnan, Porthos/Aramis, and poly Athos/d'Artagnan/Porthos/Aramis (with Constance occasionally in the mix). I hope that's okay! And in an attempt to keep this list from being horrifically long I'm going to try and share one fic per author, but most have written several wonderful fics that are favs, so definitely check out their other works as well. (says this and immediately fails)

Une histoire de bleu by ceeturnalia (traveller) - This is my top favorite of all time for this fandom. I can't count how many times I've reread it, I have the dang thing nearly memorized lol. Rated E, D/s, Athos/d'Artagnan.

kairos & logos by ceeturnalia (traveller) - Rated E, soulmates and reincarnation, OT4. This fic lives rent free in my head nearly as much as Une histoire de bleu. It's not a coincidence they're both written by Cee, who is an incredible story teller.

Multiples of Three by Q__Q - Rated E, OT4. I'm a huge sucker for fics where d'Artagnan is unsure of where he stands with the rest of the gang until they all have to kiss about it.

Ye Heirs of Glory by Kyele - Rated E, a/b/o, Athos/d'Artagnan, Porthos/Aramis etc.. I will admit I never actually finished this one. If I remember correctly I got about halfway and was yanked into another hyperfixation and forgot all about it, but the world building is exquisite, and I have every intention of finishing it soon.

every time i see your face by cherryfeather - Rated E, OT5, just absolute sexy mouthwatering fivesome filth. Also highly recommend going through the rest of this author's works because they're amazing.

The Fruit of Knowledge by breathtaken - Rated E, Athos/d'Artagnan, undercover shenanigans that gets really real super quick. This is another I am constantly rereading because it's one, incredibly sweet, and two, spicy spicy spicy om nom. Also check out the rest of this author's works bc just wowza. The talent.

Forever (in Ink) by Isidore - Rated M, OT4, soulmates and soul marks. This fic is just a full course meal from start to end.

Pas de Quatre by zelda_zee - Rated E, OT4, incredibly written, clever, gorgeous, stunning, no notes.

Fate Will Bring Us Home by rthecynic - NR, OT4, soulmates and soulmarks in the form of flowers. So, so many flowers! The imagery of this one is just so delightful, and istg one day I'm going to draw them all.

#answered asks #the musketeers #bbc musketeers #musketeers fanfiction #musketeers fic recs #athos x d'artagnan #aramis x porthos #the musketeers ot4 #i wish i knew what happened to my bookmarks #it pains me knowing i missed some really good ones #but this list took me far too long to compile and i can't keep searching rn #if i come across more i'll make another rec post #anyone else feel free to add some of your favs too! #i hope you enjoy fleet!!!! ilu *chu* #now if you'll excuse me #i have a lot of fic to devour so i can update my bookmarks lol