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shattersstar · 3 years

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evergreen

and if the devil was to ever see you, he’d kiss your eyes and repent (part four)

pairing: adrian tepes x reader

excerpt: You were grinning, running through all the most beautiful, fullest, dreamiest of adjectives to capture the face of your love. You tilted your head to the left, and he followed, the two of you grinning at each other with soft, soundless laughs. You closed your eyes for a moment, inhaling and blinking at him with a new found clarity, the words flowing effortlessly.

warning(s): brief injury mention, fluff, this is so,,hopelessly romantic, heart shape lockets making a reappearance

a/n: sorry ive only been writing for adrian my brain has been in alucard lockdown and it wont end (although this might be my favourite thing ive ever written so i’m..less sorry)

—

It was quiet, the distant din of the forest brushed over the two of you. It was a reminder of the life surrounding the desolate place you called home. Your eyes were closed as you focused on the sound, the breathing of trees and humming of streams. You supposed Adrian heard it all so clearly, the animals and plants alike all alive in the surrounding forest. You strained to hear the crunch of fallen leaves by foxes or snap of fallen branches by deers.

It was autumn and the world was alive with harvest. Animals prepared for winter, plants returned to the soil and tree lines morphed into flame. It was one of the last warm days, the sun high in the cloudy sky, shining onto the picnic you two had set up. You were laying down, letting the sun soak over your while Adrian sat cross legged behind you. Your head was in his lap, the book you were reading was resting on his thigh above your head, opened onto the page you were on. Adrian had brought a book as well, but discarded it after a few minutes of reading. It was out of date, he explained, the science was false and he decided to draw over the useless words instead.

You assumed there was some value in its history, but didn’t question it as he silently sketched. Adrian was always such an artist, often drawing you, or other’s he cared for. He could sketch Sypha and Trevor from memory, yet often butchered some detail of the latter for his own amusement you supposed. He drew his parents often too, but was quick to erase such images, as if even seeing their face was still too painful.

He had begun painting more recently. You liked sitting and working on something while he painted, catching occasionally glimpses at his work. Adrian was never shy about what he created, often showing you without prompting, and never dismissing your request to see his art. He had agreed he was good at it, the technical precision was there, but the heart was not. You were quick to disagree with such sentiment, and yes you could see it within the landscapes and dull memories he created on paper or canvas, but the love was there in the faces of those he cared for.

Each line he added to you, each bit of shading and highlight showcased you in a way that held more adoration than any words could supply. You liked seeing yourself from Adrian’s eyes, seeing your beauty as he perceived it. It was more flattering than anything anyone before him had said to you, not like Adrian would want to hear such things.

You weren’t sure how you knew he was watching, sketching you as you laid in his lap, but you knew he did. You even remained still, forgoing reading to be his muse for the last moments of fall. You didn’t mind getting to lay in the lap of the one you loved, a soft blanket underneath while the sun started to arch towards the west. You could’ve fallen asleep there, nature washing over you and Adrian watching over you. It was a place of peace, a moment you’d engrain into your mind and have a memento—a piece of art to show for it.

You only opened your eyes when Adrian let out an uncharacteristically loud sigh, he didn’t need to breathe, he only did so on his own volition. You peered up at him, sun dancing in his dark lashes. “What is plaguing you so beloved?” You hummed, tilting your head back more as you spoke.

"My chest, it aches.” He admitted with a soft voice. You sat up as his words registered in your ears, worry lacing your features as you moved to sit on your knees, beckoning him closer.

“Still? Why?” He turned his head to the side as your hand smoothed down his slender neck, brushing his collar aside and revealing the tip of the scar that cut diagonal through his torso. You kept your fingers off the injury, but untied the front of his shirt to reveal more of it.

“I am unsure, it just does some days.”

“This has happened before?”

“A few times, yes.” He sighed again, you felt it under your palm that rested next to the pink, raised skin.

“I wished you told me.”

“I did not wish to worry you.”

“And yet I am worried.” Adrian turned towards your other hand, resting on his shoulder and dipped his head down to kiss your wrist. It was a gesture of apology and you accepted it was you let your hand cup his face, lips pressing a kiss to your palm. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t think so.” You frowned, shifting your knees against the blanket. “And somehow I’m not surprised you aren’t pleased with that answer.”

“How can I be pleased when you, my dear, are living in pain?”

“Don’t be pleased then, be appeased.” Adrian shrugged, still speaking into your palm. You let your fingertips graze the edge of his scar before dropping both hands from him.

“If I must.” He chuckled at that, low and warm as your hands found his knees. You gave them a squeeze, almost to check if he still existed before turning, and placing yourself into his lap. You were careful not to lean into his chest, but Adrian eased you against it, his forearm wrapping around your stomach while his other hand brushed your book from his leg. “Now show me what you were drawing.”

“Of course beloved.” He hummed from behind you, picking up his green covered book and letting you flip through the drawings now masking the words. And you were right, many—most were of you.

A few trees, a tired outline of the castle, faces you didn’t know, but still somehow, every few pages was you, lounging in his lap, or from some other memory he stored away. They made you smile, less worried as warmth overtook you.

“Do you ever draw yourself?” You asked once you reached the last sketch, lingering on it.

“No, the image of myself in my mind changes far too often.”

“Oh?” You were surprised by Adrian’s answer, you expected something darker you supposed.

“I see myself one way, and then...I do not. I cannot draw what constantly changes.”

“Why does it change?”

“You.”

One syllable was more breathtaking than a single drawing he had ever done of you.

“Oh.” You found yourself on repeat, closing the book and letting out a slow breath.

“And I supposed other’s I’ve met, but mostly you.” It’s always you, he does not say despite how well it sits in his mouth.

You knew you had impacted Adrian, only a fool would say they didn’t, but to know that the way he constructed himself in his brain, how he felt when he thought of it, how he saw himself in his dreams, how he saw himself with you were all changed by you and how you loved him felt like a deeper proclamation than i love you.

“I still wish you would though, what am I supposed to put in this locket?” Your voice held an air of teasing, but a current of seriousness laced it as well.

“I could try, if you could like.”

You were silent for a moment, you didn’t want him to settle on a version of himself to etch into existence. Not when he was ever changing in his mind's eyes. “What if—“ You twisted carefully to look at him, noses brushing as you did. “What if you drew yourself from how I saw you?” You asked, wanting his art to convey his beauty as it did yours.

Adrian pondered it for a moment, before tilting his head and surprising your lips with his. “Yes.” He whispered against your mouth before finding his book yet again.

You slipped from his lap to give him space and studied him for a long moment. He didn’t shift under your gaze, or look away, but instead studied your back. You were grinning, running through all the most beautiful, fullest, dreamiest of adjectives to capture the face of your love. You tilted your head to the left, and he followed, the two of you grinning at each other with soft, soundless laughs. You closed your eyes for a moment, inhaling and blinking at him with a new found clarity, the words flowing effortlessly.

Serious mouth, something that hides smiles and fangs. Lips that slope into something heartbreaking—a smile like no other.

He grinned at that, eyes dropping to the page as he began drawing.

Soft eyes, set deep, but still shining. Sharp like daggers and holding handfuls of sunrays in them. Not cold with sadness, but heavy with it.

“Heavy with love too.” He hummed, earning a kiss on his forehead before you settled back to describing him.

Nose…

You paused your words, letting Adrian catch up to your lovely description, while you pondered on it too. You knew this was much for him, so much love filling his ears, outward and heedy. Yet it didn’t feel like enough, like it captured how much his appearances enraptured you, but as his heart did too. You wanted him to see your love through your eyes.

It was a daunting task, and yet you carried on. You reached out, brushing over his nose with your index finger, as if the words lived in your fingertips and could only be released by touch. You furrowed your brows, lips parting before you took Adrian’s hand, the one holding the book. He kept his gaze on you as you brought his slender fingers to his nose, tracing it as you did. You loved all Adrian’s features, but his nose especially, and no words could describe the beautiful feature that pulled his whole face together.

My favourite thing.

He let his attention fall back to the drawing, a bloodless blush could’ve warmed his face with the kind descriptions you imparted onto him. He knew you loved him, you proclaimed it enough, but the sweet words that overtook this dimming autumn day were even more dizzying than he expected. And you weren’t done yet, unrelenting in your words and adoration for him.

Sharp contours—jaw, cheekbones—with an underlying kindness, youthful softness to the angular curves.

Beautiful forehead, my favourite place to kiss. And press myself to.

Brows low, very precise—too serious most of the time.

Hairline like the ocean, framing the sand and sometimes sweeping over it.

You twirled the forever loose curl that hung forward, always draping against his smooth skin. He wanted to lean into your touch, but his attention was on the page.

Hair long, softer than any silk. Golden—not like honey, but wheat fields blowing in the breeze. And thick, with lazy waves throughout it.

You stayed quiet after that, hoping it was enough. You were all warm throughout now, despite how the evening had fallen over you two. You wanted to climb back into Adrian’s lap, but instead you moved to sit cross legged, toying with a loose thread on his pants, twisting the string from the seam by his knee around your finger until his shoulders dropped and the pen stopped moving.

You let your hands rest in your lap, and you watched him study it for a long moment. You wanted to ask if it was okay—some version of him he could agree with, yet he brought the pen back, scrawling something in his tight, professional handwriting and tearing the page from the book with precision.

The drawing took up one corner, the words printed in the background barely noticeable to the bust drawn over them. He folded the piece of paper, once, then twice. A tiny square sitting in his palm, before Adrian finally met your gaze. He reached out, cool fingertips grazing over your neck as he brought your heart shaped locket to sit in his other palm. He used his thumb to open it, placing the piece of paper inside and closing it again.

He kissed the smooth metal before letting it fall back against your sternum, smiling with a haziness that made you feel drunk of love as well. You took his hand in yours, Adrian quick to intertwine fingers before you could settle your palm to his. He urged you closer, uncrossing his legs and letting you take up space between them. “Do you feel better?” You hummed, the pain that had overcome him before not leaving your mind.

It wasn’t like you to forget so easily.

“Hm, better? Yes.” He nodded, pressing a kiss to the side of your nose.

“Are you just saying that?”

“No, of course not.”

“I find that hard to believe, you often dwell in pain my dear. Especially alone.”

“I know,” He sighed yet again, bringing his free hand to your chin and drawing your attention to him. “If you’d like, I believe I have found a way that you can help, make me feel better.”

“Yes, what is it?”

He smiled—heartbreakingly. “Marry me?”

For a quiet beat, you paused, the words reaching your ears, settling in your short term memory before they processed into something that rang forever in your head. You and Adrian had talked about marriage, he had settled on the notion it was a frivolous display and he had everything he needed with you. And you agreed. He was everything you needed.

And now, he needed to be your husband.

You tucked some of his hair behind his ear, leaning in with a low voice, “My love, don’t you know?” You asked, blinking up with a slanted grin, “I’ve been married to you from the moment we met.” He breathed out a chuckle, reedy and low.

“Then,” His palms cupped your cheeks, forehead pressing into yours. “Let me marry you.”

“Yes,” You breathed into him, “Yes you can marry me.”

It was the first day of winter when you finally opened your locket. You unfolded his drawing carefully, the likeness you wanted to convey hung in every inked line. Your fiancé existed in both your hearts now.

Your fingers brushed over the words, creased from the folding, but still clear.

It’s always you, my betrothed.

#adrian tepes x reader #adrian tepes imagine #alucard imagine #alucard x reader #castlevania imagine #castlevania #writing #if this doesnt get notes ill boycott writing for all of 2021

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beeblackburn · 2 years

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The Philosophy of Reading Tag

Tagged by the bracing @books-and-doodles, who knew full well how much of a long-winded shit I am. Can’t warn one who tagged me, knowing full well of that. 😎

cracks knuckles, y’all buckle up, this is a 11,500~ words post

1. What’s most important…a good character, plot, or message?

I think the fact that I got into A Song of Ice and Fire when I was 14, primarily on the basis of Sansa Stark and Jaime Lannister’s character developments, then fell into the rabbit holes of the other well-developed characters, probably says a lot about my priorities out of the three choices, even from adolescence.

For me, my guiding light is that: I can have a bland or cookie-cutter plot (Joe Abercrombie’s The Blade Itself or The Heroes aren’t hugely revolutionary in that aspect) or messages that I don’t agree with (some of the The First Law’s more cynical ruminations), but so long as I have strong, memorable, thorny, and complex characters that I can attach to, I will care far less, because my readership can rest on the weight on characters I care about. And character psychology is timeless.

That’s not to say I don’t care about plot (okay, maybe not plot, The Goblin Emperor was reasonably plot-less and I did not care a lick because Maia 😍) or themes, or that it’s that simple a divide. What I love in a book is an accumulation, from characterization, the nuts-and-bolts of sentence craft or broader sweeps of writing, themes, plot, point-of-view structure, and setting. They inevitably synthesize into how I take to a book.

But if we’re talking about importance of those three? Of course it’s characterization that’s first and foremost. If I can’t care about the people I’m following, why should I care about messages or plots, conveyed through them? But I can certainly care about a book with a strong message and lesser characters and plot, if not to the same degree. I’m not sure I can say that for a strong plot and lesser message or characters.

I also wonder if there’s something to be said about a cross-genre approach to this question, but then I remembered that I don’t hugely take to romances, mysteries, or science fiction, the former two super reliant on structure and pacing, and all of whom don’t hugely boast the greatest variety of characterization. Oops. Except maybe science fiction, but I really need to dip my toe more in that pond.

2. Should one read books about ideas or opinions they disagree with?

So long as you keep an open mind and that the book in question is engaging in good faith, sure. I will never read a book that tries to promote the pseudo-scientific discrimination against genderqueer people for a start, because the author’s clearly engaging in bad faith and I don’t particularly feel inclined to mentally bloody my knuckles against a book for the right of my existence, when it should be matter of fact to me by dint of pragmatism.

However, I could absolutely see myself being fascinated by the institution of Catholicism alone, despite being an agnostic and the horrors of the Catholic Church. I’m not sure I fully agree with or could follow Buddhism’s tenets, but it sounds like something I’d dig in the reading. You can read a polemic you don’t agree, and, at least, come out of it more informed of another side. No one says you have to swallow it wholesale. You still have a brain and cause to concede or disagree with an idea.

And, putting aside that, you can read a thing and study how the author presents their case, their writing craft, and the arguments or tools (case examples, anecdotes, ad hominem, and/or strawmen fallacies, for one) used. There’s plenty of merit in seeing how another side sees and presents their side of the world by approach alone, beyond content, and using that to add to your knowledge, toolbox, and critical thinking.

At heart, all you can do is be curious as best as you can, about the ideas/opinions in flux that you’re unsure of or feel you could change your mind on, and avoid books that cannot offer the basic respect of your uncertain position, given your own good faith. If a book cannot give you that, then you’re not going to have a good time, nor will you be convinced by a book that demands your agreement, solely on their bad faith. You can’t sacrifice yourself for that.

3. As tech advances, what do you think will be the role of books?

As primitive bludgeoning weapons, if Sanderson will have his way with page count, for a start.

Okay, for the serious answer, we’ll still have books, we already have audiobooks and ebooks as bodies of content alone. And while I don’t take to them as a reading medium, I know plenty of people who wouldn’t have tried out the texts by themselves without them, so the more, the merrier.

Given environmental costs of books and e-readers’ growing energy efficiencies and evolving out the growing pains of its initial user interface, there will likely come a point where paperback/hardcover publishing houses will have to slow down or change up things to contribute as little environmental damage as possible. However, we all thought the advent of e-readers, the original one in the 2010s, would kill the paperback books business and it didn’t, for an abundance of copyright and technological limitation reasons. So that time won’t come anytime soon, but I suspect it’ll come eventually.

That being said, if we’re talking “books” in this question to mean hardcover/paperback formats, as a paperback proponent... well, they’re never going to die entirely. The presence of small publishing houses that service a niche will make damn sure of that. Some people respond well to the tactile feel of them, there’s a physical stimulation to the papery touch that we can’t quite get with the smooth feel of screens, there are scientific papers devoted to how paper books allow us to more substantially build up our memories of them through the physicality of turning pages, like mental footprints. I’m not sure any amount of future technology’s going to change up that. Beyond that, even in the future, there is no way paperback books won’t have a retro element to them that make them delightful collectible items for people.

To quote one of my favorite anime villains:

I don’t think tying ourselves solely to that medium of content is necessarily feasible or good, mind you. Because some people take to visual or audio medium better, there’s plenty to be said the evolution of content to be more accessible to those from far-reaching areas and disabled people. If technological advances allows for more people to take in content that they wouldn’t have before, paperback books can take a backseat for that allowance.

However, there is one consideration that makes me utterly chill at the advent of ebooks, in light of that: the idea that you don’t actually own your ebooks. If you “buy” them, you just license them. And that if something happens to a retailer or business and they decide to shutter off their ebook section, you are fucked and have just lost all the books you own. Hell, if your Amazon account just violates some term, you can lose all the ebooks you bought from them. In that regard, I would much rather stay with paperback publication, solely on the basis that it’s something I own own, and that years from now, when some technocrat demands I pay them a monthly fee for continuing to license books, I will have physical copies that I can read at my own leisure and/or can give to a library so others may enjoy them for free.

4. How important are summaries, review, and art in your book choosing?

Summaries... well, Assassin’s Apprentice is pretty bare-bones in terms of plot summary, and its synopsis really undersells what I love about that book (its interpersonal dynamics, characterization, slice-of-life beats, and meandering pace). I really doubt summaries hold that much weight to me, because if summaries couldn’t do my favorite series justice, well, then what’s the point of them as a means for book choosing? I think summaries/synopsis can help with a foot in the door, but you can have a great synopsis and the actual execution of it in-text can be utter dogshit different from your first impression.

By art, do you mean cover art, illustrations, or fanart? Because, if we’re talking cover art, I definitely checked out Abercrombie’s The Blade Itself, Marlon James’ Black Leopard, Red Wolf, Devin Madson’s We Ride the Storm, and Nghi Vo’s The Empress of Salt and Fortune on the strength of those covers. They can absolutely attract me to a prospective read, though they’re still mostly a foot in the door in the way summaries/synopsis are. I mean, it’s not like George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire’s paperback covers light the world on fire.

If we’re talking inner illustrations... eh. I mean, it helps, especially if they’re great, but they’re like. Only maybe 1-5% of a book’s body? And that’s being really generous most times. That’s not a major enough sway to base buying a whole book over, especially if the book sucks.

If we’re talking fanart though... well, I did buy Gideon the Ninth, solely on the basis of its fanart. Seriously, I know way more about the fanart than I do about the book’s content at this point. Then again, I also bought it because of the hype, so there’s that to consider.

Reviews are where the importance lies in me with choosing a book. They’re certainly not the end-all of how I decide what books I choose. I buy a book out of impulse a few rare times, or a creator I trust is attached to it. How a reader, or even a plurality of readers, took in a book certainly helps me decide what I should be expecting out of a book and whether I’ll enjoy it or not. It helps with expectation management and knowing things that’ll piss me off beforehand. And, in some cases, it tells me something the synopsis omitted or how an author executed it ahead of time, like with Alex Pheby’s Mordew, which a reviewer pointed out, the attractive premise doesn’t hugely kick in until the last hundred or two pages.

5. Should one ever skim or scan a book?

I mean, I generally do that my first read. I think there’s merit in your first read with not getting hung up on the smaller details in an attempt to discern future developments or reveals. I mean, I won’t deny it can be fun to try and piece together future developments ahead of time. I’m the kind of reader who either gets spoiled ahead of time, which means I just enjoy the craftwork of sentences and how well characterization or foreshadowing holds up, or just skims the entirety of the book my first time, then delights in the details I missed in my future reread.

Also, skimming to avoid excessive scene-setting and authors painting in too languishing strokes? Totally valid. I did that for patches of Christopher Paolini’s Eragon and definitely most of his Eldest, as well as a huge chunk of Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time. In which case, yeah, if it’s slowing down your reading progress and you don’t feel like you’re getting anything substantial from it, just skim. Epic fantasy alone can be pretty damn replete with overstuffed descriptions and landscape-painting, and unless those sentences are works of art, why get hung up on them, so long as you appreciate the greater whole?

I think you can always slow down and take note in a reread, you won’t note or appreciate them in their totality your first read anyway. There will be a sentence or passage or two that takes my breath away in the first read, but that’s because even with the skimming, I’ve caught them and they were poetry to the scanning eye alone. Granted, all this advice is for rereaders. Some people genuinely don’t have time for that. In which case, you should probably take your time, because you won’t have another read to appreciate all the beauty and nuances of the prose.

6. Should reading always be enjoyable?

Absolutely not. At bare minimum, it should be engaging, either with your emotions or your mind and the pillars inside it, but plenty of dark reads I’ve taken in haven’t been enjoyable in the emotional pleasant sense. It’s bracing, and it helps strip away a cloistering feeling that potential more enjoyable readings can foster by accumulation.

To read less-enjoyable books, even just once in a while, helps us look at and cope with the humanistic unpleasantries and ugliness inward, or in the world around us through knowledge and/or emotional catharsis.

Granted, there are limits to reading unpleasantness. I’m not sure I hugely take to R. Scott Bakker‘s Second Apocalypse for sheer awfulness. At some point, a book has to tonally balance its darkness and bright spots to work for me.

7. Is it important to be well-read?

By the Merriam-Webster definition of well-read, “well-informed or deeply versed through reading,” ... depends on what your goal is. I’ve heard prospective authors need to be on the pulse with the genre they’re publishing in, so that they can get in on a fad, or tailor their queries to comparisons from contemporary published books, to give readers something to hang their expectations on. In that sense, yes, it’s crucial to be well-read in your genre.

As a hobbyist writer who just wants to improve... yes, if to learn via example about sentence craft, how grammatical rules are established (and broken for effect), intimacy or distance of point-of-view, how to build characterization, scene-setting, genre trappings, textual sketching of visuals, and sensory engagement, all that and more. You can also learn a lot of running themes and motifs of another’s culture if you read a wide breadth of books.

As someone who just wants to learn information... not necessarily. Podcasts, long-form video essays, televised panels, and other wells of information and discussion exist. At the end of the day, books or essays or research articles are just mediums to communicate through, and no medium is superior to another. We all take in information differently, I know that I’ve got a tin ear for audio learning, for a start.

I think it’s fair to say you shouldn’t limit yourself to one medium of information, if you’re not barred from them. You can miss out so much, if you willfully close yourself to other wells.

And if you just read for fun, who gives a flying fuck about being well-read. Just read the stuff that makes your brain all engaged and that jazz without compunction of being ignorant of a wider field.

8. What is your book buying process?

I’ve actually answered this, to an extent, awhile ago here. Though, that doesn’t cover the different considerations I have for nonfiction and comics, because the former is a field I’m not hugely capable of discerning fact from crap and need others to recommend on, while the latter... is a land-mine of creators who need all the profit to fuel their ongoing titles or indie books. Also, non-fantasy books, which is a whole other field of research.

That being said, I’ll tackle all four right now:

With fantasy, I take a look at releases of the year, maybe divide or filter it by subgenres, see a title or cover I like, read the synopsis and see if it scratches my interest (maybe I catch a review of it on Strange Horizons or Nerds of a Feather, Flock Together first and it piques me), maybe read a preview to get a sense of the prose/storytelling, read reviews to get a sense of the book’s execution or lack of, think about my current wallet’s money content, decided whether it’s worth it or not, and wait for the next major sale period at my bookstore’s online catalog. I’ll also consider debut authors, particularly marginalized, non-white, and/or underrated authors, and carve out a little space in my wallet for considering them, especially since other more established authors will get by just fine if I delay my purchasing of their books. Who knows, I might find a new author that I delight in, if I look around hard enough. Granted, if it’s a favorite author, it’s an instat-buy, no questions asked.

With non-fantasy, the above, with some additional caveats. I’ll also take a look at the tropes involved (I’ve got pretty hard lines with what I’ll consume out of my romance with its Love at First Sight or science fiction having technobabble up the wazoo). And I definitely want to search around and read whether the book I’m about to buy has good characterization or not, specifically. I can mind not the best characterization in fantasy. It’s not my ideal, but the fantastical concepts alone are in my genre wheelhouse that I’ll generally be game for it. When I’m in unknown genre waters, my tolerance for genre trappings alone lowers and my demand for solid characterization to buoy the narrative rises.

With nonfiction, I either ask a historian on my fandom server for recs and she supplies them or I look around top ten lists online, leaf through the choices to see if anything interests me, see if it’s a memoir, personal account, or a history. If it’s the former two, I’ll read reviews and decide there and then, maybe wait for my bookstore’s online catalog sales, which has some nonfiction sales from time to time. If it’s the latter... definitely will consult the r/AskHistorians sub at reddit and whether it’s credible or not, or ask my historian fellow on whether they’ve read it or not. If it is, I’ll definitely consider getting it. If not, why burn money for shoddy historical sources? I can get that from online assfucks telling me that the medieval times were realistic for having gratuitous sexual violence or that queer people didn’t exist then, so stop being a SJW. 😒

With comics, I definitely take a look at what’s the buzz on Comics Twitter (that I follow), taking special note at particular creators, with a focus on writers (Al Ewing, Kieron Gillen, Grant Morrison, Chip Zdarsky, Kurt Busiek, Simon Spurrier, and Alan Moore, for starters), then at their non-Big Two catalogs, Image Comics, Boom Studios, Oni Press, Dark Horse Comics, etc., and scan around for interesting books that they have. If there is, I immediately decide to buy/pre-order it, future sale pending. I try my best to engage with the fantasy genre here, but a. the comics scene, even the indie section, is lacking in fantasy titles, compared to science fiction or superhero titles, and b. I’ll admit that if a creative team or premise seems strong enough, I’ll ignore staying in my genre wheelhouse to try something new out. These creative teams really need all the profits they can take from me. I might dip into Big Two comics themselves, but I usually take a look at mini-series, rather than ongoing titles, for things to buy. This isn’t always the case, because if there’s a creative team that I really like on an ongoing title, I’ll at least buy the first volume to support it and play my part in stopping it from getting cancelled prematurely.

9. What is your reading process?

What reading process, y’all think I read? 😂

I mean, it’s been a bit of a rough two years, in terms of reading. I just felt so apathetic and lethargic with the act of reading and I keep putting it off. Some of that might’ve had to do with potential (untreated) depression. Likely to do with a listlessness of life, an ennui that might’ve a decent amount to do with gender thoughts. More recently though, it’s been work that’s drained my motivation and enthusiasm for reading. Whenever I crash back to home, I just wanna play a game or rewatch a show (it’s Ted Lasso right now). Something that doesn’t require chewing through something new.

That being said, for my reading process when I’m less a sack of shit? Well, I definitely start slowly, given the above, but once I get revved up... I will definitely steamroll through entire chapters, one book at a time, because I want to know more, whether because the book is engaging me, or if there’s going to be more interesting stuff later on. I’m not sure if what I do can be considered skimming, considering I seem to catch and ruminate on way too much random details or bits of foreshadowing or sharp character morsels, especially with my favorite authors, but I definitely would sacrifice a more detailed read for speed and getting the broader picture of the entire novel first and foremost. After that, I give some thoughts to my friendly acquittances at the fandom server I practically live in, either to get a second opinion or just share how much I liked/loved a book. Then I consider if I want to reread it, whether now or down the line, depending on if it’s a book that benefits from my immediate re-experience or needs to sit a bit before revisiting.

I think I need some specific conditions to get into a mood of reading, though the past two years muddles things a bit there. Some of why I don’t read nowadays is:

Being scared of missing a message either direct or from the fandom server. I’m the kind of person who gets very scared about making someone feel like they’ve been ignored, so I try my best to answer as soon as possible, and that means, if I’m reading... I’ll either get interrupted a decent amount, if the conversation I get into goes on for a bit, or I’ll leave someone unreplied to for hours. Granted, the fandom server’s members have timezones that are convenient for a nightly read, but I also know a friend who’s available at that time as well, and I’m afraid of not replying right away to any message she gives my way. What if that friend or DMer is distraught and I’m not there to help them? And I’ve abandoned them to silence? It’s almost too much to bear.

Attendant anxiety at my family calling for me and interrupting me from a reading session. I like to do things in large, uninterrupted chunks of time, and that also goes for reading (I finished both The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance in a solid 13-15 hours stretch), and when my family interrupts me... it breaks my groove. It’s like an engine that got turned off and is slow starting back up. And it does not help that my father has a quality to his voice, borne from childhood experiences, that legit makes me wince. It’s a killer to my motivation to read, because I have to dread him asking me for something else that only I can do (lol, no, I just do it at a faster pace than them). Though, the problem with this is that my parents were reasonably not around during their work shifts in the half-year in-between me finishing university and getting my current job, and I still didn’t read. At the very least, the idea of being interrupted is a sizable part of the problem.

Needing rain or rain ambience. It’s a nice white noise to fill the air and I love me some rain. The smell of petrichor, the chill of a coming rain, the foreboding darkening outside the windows, the sound of pitter-patter against the rooftops, and the repetition of it against the walls, mmmmmmmm. Just a perfect atmosphere for reading, as if I’m the master at a gothic library.

I also prefer a comfy chair, but given that I was reading Robin Hobb’s Tawny Man during my transit commutes during the day and night from home to school, and I was managing at least 30-50 pages per one-two hours, it’s not essential. I miss those bus-readings, honestly. There was a practical vibe to them that reading in a coffee shop or McDonalds or at home doesn’t. Given those bus readings, I do seem to have a preference for reading at night. If I read during the day, I have so much to anticipate like classes, parents, changing buses, that I feel less in a mood to read as a result. If I read during the night, well... I might have homework or (often last-minute) exam-studying, but the evening feels like an unwinding time for me, by comparison. The end of a day, free from petty consideration and annoyances.

I actually wonder how well I’d do with future buddy read/book clubs, to be honest. Because the last time I tried it, N.K. Jemisin’s The Fifth Season, I... out-paced the others by like half a book while they were around a third or half-way through. Granted, I was circumspect about spoilers, but still! I wouldn’t mind doing it more, I think discussing things with another makes me more engaged to actually think about the minute details of the text, and catch things from others that I missed myself.

Either way, I’m generally a slow-starter and I need to start revving my engine this year, if I want to make a sizable dent in my growing library with far too many books, nooooooooooooooooooo. 😂

10. How do you use what you read?

Oh, lots of ways! Far too many.

My first use of it was escapism, and while that’s lost a bit of its shine nowadays (The Fifth Season and The Trouble with Peace aren’t exactly escapist reads), I’ve come to take to a similar interpretation as J. R. R. Tolkien’s meaning of escaping into what he called “fairy-stories,” with regards to reality: “Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home? Or if, when he cannot do so, he thinks and talks about other topics than jailers and prison-walls?” We can envision more, different worlds, through reading them in fiction, free from the confines of reality, and think how best to use it to add to the tools of our minds, and I use it to try and envision a better world through me.

My primary use nowadays, as a means to strengthen my empathy. The nature of fiction and its point-of-view structure, attaching us to many characters, is that I can know and connect to an abundance of different people, know their emotions, their trains of thought, their hurts and glories, and their virtues and vices, all filtered through culture and individual psychologies. I try to use that fictional lens to give more real-life people the benefit of the doubt, that people are complex and multi-faceted, and might even have their reasons, good or bad. To hear them out, if my heart can give for fictional characters. Of course, I can’t always exercise that. I fail or I’m embittered by repeated empathy burnings by the same type of people. But I still try and use seeing through fictional eyes to see matters through the eyes of others in real life, those who don’t deserve my distrust.

Another primary use is to study the tools of a writer’s craft through reading them. There’s plenty to be said about disassembling the prose and word craft of another’s writing, and chewing them over, how a writer uses their tools to engender empathy in the quarrelsome and difficult, nurse negative emotions towards asshats, seep world-building out like a quiet leak in a pond, paint a word landscape in succinct strokes, place motifs looming like silent gargoyles over the greater work, tighten their tones as a virtuoso’s fingers tinker minutely their violin strings, construct characterizations through the bricks of stream-of-consciousness prose, or withholding personal information in the narrative until its relevance. I’ve studied from a decent breadth of authors, and try to take the lessons I’ve had to better my writing. To learn from their mistakes and their triumphs to make my own writing the best it can be.

Another primary use is to give me questions about life to ponder on. From Martin, to Abercrombie, Hobb, Moore, and Jemisin, for example, they’ve given me heavy topics and lingering questions to contemplate in life. Does life ever end? Can the ends justify the means? Can lasting change occur inside us? Can we work inside our institutions to change them for the better? Can we ever love something and live that love without hurt? Will knowing everything rob an foundational aspect of us, to kill our wonder and curiosity? I’m a person who loves to ask many questions, of myself and others, and I do enjoy mulling over whether my answers change over the years or getting another’s perspective on said questions.

A less omnipresent, but still crucial, reason for nonfiction: as world-building/thematic or just characterization fodder for my own works. I mean, I do try to use what I learn from nonfiction works in terms of rewiring my mindset on a general level, but in terms of my particular focus? I use what I’ve learnt by giving my works the frisson of substance from historical experience. If I’ve read a book about Catholicism? I want to use it to pen a story about the struggles of one’s belief in their Church and personal faith. If I’ve read a book about fencing? I want to use it to write about vengeful fencers in the Renaissance Period. If I’ve read a book about domestic relations in the medieval times? I want to use it to punch up the nuances of my almost-post medievalesque fantasy.

Adding to that, I can use what I’ve read out of something as incentive to find more topics to read into. If I’m reading about pasta, maybe the tomatoes in it can lead me to studying the agriculture of tomatoes in contemporary times. From there, what other plants or fruits can be studied? Grapes? Great, I’ll study grapes and their history throughout the world. I see something about how modern viticulture came to be? Then I think about how the villas with their vineyards were run and look into the structure of them, and it’s just a bunch of rabbit holes. In a fun way, granted! But definitely losing myself in a bunch of Wikipedia posts and peer-reviewed papers as a result.

Also, a slightly important reason, especially with fanfiction: to gain greater appreciation for the canon text (or what the canon could be, if it had more attentive writing, or different talent behind it). A different interpretation on the same source material can make such a difference on my feelings for the source material. I’ve consumed some fanfiction that tries achingly hard in their own way, even more so than maybe the source material itself, and have such quality packed into it, and love it in a way the canon text never approaches.

11. If you could download a book to your brain, would you still read?

The entirety of Hobb’s The Farseer, Tawny Man, and the Fitz and the Fool trilogies, as well as her Dragon Haven, along with Abercrombie’s The Heroes and his The Age of Madness trilogy are burnt into my brain through rereading, anyway. I still reread them.

Mind you, I think there’s a difference between reading a thing before your eyes or knowing it through the mind or memory. I’m not sure I’d be used to “reading” a book in that sense. We’re more used to traditional ways, our brains aren’t wired to have books downloaded into our brain and remembered that way. Maybe the next generation, more enmeshed in the notions of downloading books into their brain, might enjoy it without feeling growing pains.

I’ll stick to reading. There’s a sort of... intimacy with leafing through the pages, looking through the words at your own pace, you control how you take in a word, a sentence, a passage, and it changes how you feel about certain parts of a book, and it will change your impression per reread as well, that sense of experience and how fluid it can be. That’s something the instant gratification of a book downloaded into my brain wouldn’t give me.

12. What are your views on rereading a book?

Well. I’ve reread Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora at least thrice, Katherine Addison’s The Goblin Emperor thrice as well, and Abercrombie’s The Heroes five times, for a start. I get the faint sense I’m one hell of a rereading proponent. Who’d thunk it.

On a more serious note... I think rereading a book can be an interesting experience, for the variables you can control and those you can’t.

For starters, just from the off-set, you’ve finished a book and you’re coming at the reread with knowing (either faintly and with a vice grip) details and threads that are going to tie together to make a wonderful pattern at the end. Meaning you’re already coming at this experience from a far different vantage point, almost like reading a tragedy: instead of being surprised by the plot or characterization elements, you’re taking stock of the railing tracks that lead you to the inevitable end of the road.

Secondly, you can change up your pace. If you read fast your first time, you can go slower and help yourself absorb all the smaller details, considering you might have been overwhelmed trying to follow the plot your first read. You can focus on different aspects of the writing, characters, or world-building notes. The tiny slivers of subtle humor you missed the first time. It changes your perspective of what the book was in a way your first read missed and gives you a better understanding of the work construction altogether.

Thirdly... we all age. We change. Perhaps we even grow up. Every time we reread a book, we’re different people, even if we reread right after the first time. I definitely remember, after years of being suffocated by grander, bigger stakes in fiction with diminishing returns in my emotional investment in the characters, returning to Abercrombie’s Red Country and being impressed by how small his stakes were, how little the people involved here were, no kings or queens or lords or ladies, either facing a kingdom-ruining crisis, or an impending empire on the horizon, or the end of the world by some overpowered assfuck. Instead, they were just random strangers wandering the Far Country, trying to be (or stay) better people. And those years of mine before returning to Red Country, were also spent reflecting on the nature of financial security and legacy for me, personally, and you know? It struck me far more potent, bittersweet with that lovely hurt, than it did my first time during my mid-teens. We can even view a book through a different lens and get something valuable out of it. A child’s eyes, viewing with innocence, are different from a young adult or a grown adult’s, the latter more worn by time, knowledge, and accumulated hurts.

13. What makes a book good?

It says something about the particular gears in my brain that I left this and the next question for last because boy, these questions are a lot tougher for me than you’d think, because I delineate between decent, good, and great, and strangely, what differs between them isn’t just a matter of literary quality by itself.

Great books go without saying: the majority of Realm of the Elderlings and The First Law, half of A Song of Ice and Fire, and individual books like The Fifth Season and Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ Watchmen. Books that have the highest caliber of characterization, interesting enough worlds or settings, and timeless and weighty themes executed sharply, things that will linger years later in my mind and urge me to reread, I need that synthesis of the above, that entrenched memory, and that hunger to reread multiple times for a book to become great to me.

Decent books are a little trickier to define for me: they’re the popcorn books. Stormlight Archive, any of Anthony Ryan’s books, any of Michael J. Sullivan’s books. They’re not meant to linger in my mind beyond the periods I read them, they pass and go almost immediately after, but they have enough quality character substance and dynamics and aren’t hugely problematic enough for me to write them off as bad. I will say, though, that the lack of lingering memory and drive to reread them entirely even once definitely crowbars them away from being “good.”

As for what actually makes a book at least “good,” in my opinion? Well, quality of characterization, themes and execution of them, and interesting enough world-building, for a start, but if that were the case, what separates the good books from the greats beyond the nebulous quantifying of characterization quality?

Is it willingness to go into their fandoms? No, I joined up with Wings of Fire’s fandom and while I still believe its first arc is Good, Actually™, I stayed even after its quality abruptly turned to shit really badly by its second arc’s Talons of Power and it never came back from that. And while I did join up (and still very much enjoy!) the The First Law’s fandom server eventually, I’ve been a bit hesitant at joining the Realm of the Elderlings’ fandom server.

Is it whether it’s capable of generating discussion that’s beyond an hour or two’s time in one sitting? Not a bad rule of thumb, I can talk The Black Company, The Dagger and the Coin, and The Memoirs of Lady Trent alone for under two hours in one sitting, if someone gives me the chance, but I’m not sure I could continue past that, where I could talk and bleed hours of rambling from the stones of all three of my all-time fantasy greats.

Is it how much textual/subtextual meat there is in the content? Hmmm. I’d say there’s plenty of world-building, thematic, and character meat in The Curse of Chalion and The Traitor Baru Cormorant to chew over alone, perhaps equal to the accumulation of quality meat of The First Law alone, and yet I wouldn’t consider those among the greats, though they edge close to them. There’s some wriggle room there.

Is it the lack of problematic material? It doesn’t hurt, but honestly, all three of my all-time greats have some pretty 😬 problematic moments, and not in the way that makes one chew over things. Hobb has her narratively endorsed pedophiles, Abercrombie has his handling of Terez and Cathil, and GRRM... has all the racist elements of Dany’s plotline, exploiting sexual violence as a bit of a prop at times, and sexist world-building that enables the sexualization of teenage girls, sometimes without a thoughtful approach or lens on it (and it happens! Cersei alone is full of angry resentment towards that). They’re still greats in my eyes.

Really, I think what makes a book just good to me, what separates it from decent and great, are two points of personal criteria:

Will it stay in my mind past the first reading, and for years to come? Large swathes of Realm of the Elderlings, The First Law, and A Song of Ice and Fire have practically imprinted onto my mind ever since my first reads, way back in my mid-to-late teens. With decent books, they immediately faded from my memory like a passing wind. With good books, though, I will remember the best parts, and around half of The Black Company, The Dagger and the Coin, and The Memoirs of Lady Trent, but the strict plot progression will elude me, whereas I’ll generally know, note-for-note, how things progressed in The Age of Madness alone. And I don’t trust my memory to retain the events of just-good books in years to come, whereas I won’t have that problem with greats.

Do I want to reread this only once or twice, and am I driven to do so? With a great book, I want to reread it all the time, even if I remember a majority of it, and with a decent book, I don’t even wanna reread it in its entirety once. I might reread select parts, but the whole thing? Gods no. With a good book, I wouldn’t mind rereading the entirety of it once or twice, but I’m in no driving rush to do so. I might have a taste for it, and I'll reread select chapters to refresh my memory of the excellent bits inside, but the entire text’s not going anywhere and I can afford to wait. Granted, technically The Lies of Locke Lamora and The Goblin Emperor both exceed this, but I don’t remember all the strict plot progression of either for them to count as great.

I think the broad strokes of what makes a book good to me, are its literary quality, especially its characterization, its ability to generate one sitting’s discussion for an hour or two, how long the memory of it lingers, and whether I want to reread it at least once to get something new out of the experience.

14. What makes a book bad?

Same as the prior question, I differentiate between bad and mediocre.

Mediocre book can have crappy plot resolutions, bland characterization, bad dialogue, unfun prose. As much as I railed against Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One, it’s just pathetic and mediocre in the end. He’s not espousing evil or actively shitty sentiments, so much as wanking off to his White image of the 1980s. Eye-rolly, yes, but not hugely worth getting angry at or stamping with a bad label. It’s not just a matter of problematic material presence, as established above, my all-time trio are no bundle of cheribs there. It also has to do with pure incompetence from pure writing craft.

For me, what makes a book bad...

Out of character writing, and not in the “they’re very complex and inconsistent that way” manner. I can take a degree of bland characterization, so long as it’s consistent, but the moment your main character has done an out-of-character action and not hugely earned it, you have broken my immersion into them and my willingness to invest in them and that’s a deal-breaker to how much shit I can swallow, once I know you’ll treat your characters as interchangeable pieces to move plot.

Espousing a contemptuous philosophy through the narrative without narrative pushback or good faith. Gone with the Wind was a downright evil book. The Wise Man’s Fear genuinely had Kvothe defend vivisection for the stupidest of reasons. Sword of Truth was vile Randian dogshit that increasingly caricatured its opposition. I can find a book mediocre, downright stupid, or pathetic, but most times, they’re not worth getting furious over. Not those three above, which made me fume with rage for the sheer odium involved with their thematic runtime.

Does it make me want to destroy the book, and not by intent? See, if Sword of Truth or Gone with the Wind wanted to rub how assholish and scummy everyone in their books were by design, that’s another thing altogether, because I can enjoy wanting to hate antagonistic people. I like tearing into and gnashing my teeth against Prince Regal, Kyle Haven, and Hest Finbok! And I sure do love hating Galen and Nicomo Cosca. But if the author wants me to treat the characters like saints, when they’re dumpster fire people, and not in the fun way? I absolutely resent my feelings being forced like that, and I end up wanting to destroy it for sheer gulf between intent and execution.

I can find a lot of books being mediocre or decent, but just not my thing, but those are 100% three of the forefront reasons why a book is bad to me. Bear in mind, I don’t like even bruising books, so that’s how hot my fury gets with a bad book, if I’m seriously contemplating book destruction.

15. How do you feel about not finishing a book?

Honestly? Deeply uncomfortable with the notion.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely get the practical logic behind it, and it’s a fair approach to treating books, when you only have so much time alive, and you might as well treat that time to a good book. There are perfectly valid reasons for dropping a book (getting triggered by intense content, not liking the writing or characters for a good stretch of time, seeing a sexually repulsive action that was narratively endorsed). I’m not hugely judging anyone for DNFing a book. A small part of me would want someone to try out the entire book before condemning it, but that’s ultimately their call to make.

But, for me, who usually pays for a book, having researched enough of a book’s premise, prose, and reviews, to get a decent sense of what I’m getting out of it... well, I keep a book long enough that I can’t really return it anymore. So I’ve already spent the money on it and I’m not getting it back. Not reading and finishing it would feel like a waste of that money. Granted, I could save some time, and that’s not an unfair rebuttal to make against how I grind through. To me, there’s usually merit to most not-good books I read, even if it’s just serving as a case lesson of how not to write or “so bad, it’s good” quality.

But I am much more okay with DNFing previews or sample excerpts. I didn’t pay for it, for a start, so I don’t feel like I wasted my money if I don’t continue. Also, it’s small enough a body of text that I haven’t put a ton of emotional investment into it. It’s a sampling, the intent should be to sample a thing to see if it’s your taste. If not, no harm, no foul. I bounced really hard on Gardens of the Moon thrice and that was a whole-ass book (I don’t hugely regret giving money to Erikson, mind you, but it sucked to bounce off so badly), and A Memory Called Empire’s excerpt, I bounced real damn hard off of, because of all the technobabble from the get-go. I didn’t feel huge guilt over those two.

That being said, I 100% DNF’d Ready Player One and not a single regret was had, if not for the fact that I kept going until that point, expecting it to get better, hoping beyond good sense that it would and just giving up. Well, goes to show we need the exception that proves the rule.

16. Should the author’s personal life matter at all?

In terms of the business end? Honestly, absol-fucking-lutely yes. Giving money to a known popular transphobe like J. K. Rowling who’s the sole creative force behind her main work, and outwardly uses her profits to actively contributing to the misery of people like me? You can’t expect me not to, at bare minimum, side-eye the hell out of anyone for doing that, if they know that. You can’t divorce the personal life from the business end, if the person is living, because the latter feeds into the former and has consequences that current people will live with. J. K. Terfing herself will have to rip the pennies from my cold, dead, non-binary hands before she gets any money from me.

That being said, someone like Joe Bennett, who’s not only supported a transphobic remark on his instagram awhile back, and had a popular shitting-his-pants of sneaking in antisemitism into his sequential art? Well, fuck him, but he also worked on the same title of The Immortal Hulk with Al Ewing and colorists who seem like pretty cool people who didn’t seem to know about his behavior prior, and when it was brought up to them, absolutely vocally ripped against his bullshit and took responsibility for that. It’s, at least, a little trickier when the asshole isn’t the sole creative force behind a book and I can see myself trying to figure out ways to read or get the book without actually fattening Bennett’s wallet (discount bins, secondhand bookstores, and libaries exist!)

However. Someone like Warren Ellis, Geoff Johns, Cameron Stewart or Eric Michael Esquivel? The former three inappropriately abused their position as comic creators or higher-ups to hook up with young women, (or even fucking groom late-teens in Johns case, the fucker!) The latter is a known rapist and emotional and sexual abuser. No matter how nice the other people on the creative teams they were a part of, and I’m sure they were horrified enough once they found out that shit, and whether my money, or lack of, towards those (popular, in the former three’s cases) books would make a difference or not, those are just hard lines I cannot financially support out of a creator. I’m sorry, I can pay for the other creative members’ past or future books, but giving money to the above men? Fuck no.

Same goes for people like Paul Krueger, Sam Sykes, and Myke Cole, who are all the sole creative forces behind their works, and sexually inappropriate assfucks, by the way. I’ll just quote what I said back in my Anti-TBR tag post, “fuck all three of these men and the idea that I’ll pay for their stuff. While I can’t demand any of you not buy from them and I’ll hardly claim to be a saint in terms of ethics, purchase-wise, I would beseech you all please don’t buy from these three authors who have a history of inappropriateness.”

(Trust me, with all the scumbags in comics, I’ve given this question, and similar considerations in ethical consumption and purchasing, lots of thought, if not ink. Up to a point, every major comics publisher is compromised alone, we all live in an ethical quagmire and we all have to draw our own lines in the sand with buying stuff, given how much shady shit capitalistic corporations get into on a far more widespread reach than most authors will ever do. And sometimes we have to decide, case-by-case, how much our principles will bend, depending on the what negative stuff we’ve heard about a creator and how much damage they’re doing. And it’s fair to point out that “said something really fucking dumb” can be radicalized into demonizing someone’s entire character and, please, let’s exercise some good sense there. At the very least, I’d request people to treat “not a sexual harasser/rapist/pedophile” as an perfectly achievable baseline. I mean, being a transphobe or a Chinese racist alone certainly puts a creator on my shitlist, personally, but being a non-rapist/pedophile is something 99% of people just are.)

In terms of analysis of the text? No, only if you want it to matter. I certainly ascribe to Death of the Author myself, but reading the socioeconomic factors out of an author’s life, their beliefs, and relations, certainly makes connections in one’s works pop. George Eliot’s life is a treat to read and, just from a cursive look, you certainly get a ton of where her themes, premises, character archetypes, and general writing were going, once you get that context.

(Also, she was pretty damn wild, having an affair with a man in an open marriage of his! Also, she got a Queen to commission fanart for her works. I wish I was as cool as her.)

And Martin’s writing of the Targaryens as exiled nobility alone gets really interesting and a little soberingly sad, once you get into his familial history of having been formerly wealthy, but cast down and lost it all in the Great Depression. Also, his religious beliefs as a lapsed Catholic really sheds quite the context to his writing of Stannis, Thoros, and the High Sparrow, and the bitter ruminations of Sandor, Jaime, and the Red Lamb.

Also, Hobb marrying her high school sweetheart at eighteen... actually suggests a lot about how she approaches her fictional romances (not in a great way, mind you, but it sure explains a lot!)

Like, even if you didn’t touch any of those personal life details, you’d still get something satisfying out of the textual analysis, of course, but it doesn’t hurt my understanding and love for texts to know those things. Even the negative details, so long as they’re not utterly horrific. If anything, the personal details helps imbue more understanding into my final analysis.

17. If you could only read one genre for the rest of time, what would it be?

looks at my bookshelves, full of a sprinkling of historical nonfiction, a dash of science fiction, a smattering of literary fiction... oh, and just a tiny sliver of being 90% stuffed with fantasies

I choose to read the blueberry genre, of course. Can I also pick the bilberry subgenre too?

Okay, on a serious note, I don’t know. Picking fantasy alone... feels like it’s cheating, because fantasy can cover a whole bunch of different subgenre grounds. You want to read a Western? Weird West subgenre. You want to read some science fiction? Science fantasy subgenre, bruh. You want to read a romance? There are romantic fantasies up the wazoo. You want to read about crime? Fantasy Noir or paranormal mysteries are a thing. Add in my personal stake in loving my genre wheelhouse so much that I literally spend hundreds on dollars on it every year? Of course I’m going to pick fantasy. Why wouldn’t I pick fantasy?

So, I’m going to try and answer the spirit of this question by narrowing it down even further and answer which fantasy subgenre I’d read for the rest of time: low fantasy, as defined in the link. I love the stripped-down scope of its world-building, the lessened (or dangerous and unknown) presence of magic, the realistic storytelling focus, the shades of gray it implicitly promises, and the characterization, painting less in broader archetypes, and more in the nitty-gritty of the non-fantastical, plausible psychologies. Plus, all three of my utmost favorite fantasy series are entries below, The First Law, Realm of the Elderlings, and A Song of Ice and Fire (as well as Glen Cook’s Black Company and Marie Brennan’s The Memoirs of Lady Trent as well!), so I already know I’m going to be comfortable reading this subgenre until the end of time (meaning getting comfortable in my cyborg body).

Heroic fantasy doesn’t hugely do it for me, along with the general attendant racism and sexism of its entries. High fantasy is... well, I could go into a laundry list, but really, all I can say is that I only truly love The Lord of the Rings, Earthsea, and Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn out of that subgenre, and they’re not my utmost favorite reads, the rest I’m not hugely attached. Yes, I am including Sanderson’s Cosmere in that rest grouping. Historical fantasy... possible, but I’d prefer a flat-out different world, not just our real world with some of the place names changed up. Keep some of the wonder of a new world with me. And, as much as one would think dark fantasy would scratch my itch, I generously only utterly love Abercrombie’s The First Law out of that subgenre, and he’s got more levity with his grim tone, to boot. Not to mention how rampant sexual violence gets in an attempt to get across as edgy and dark and realistic the works are. Ugh. Spare me.

Therefore, low fantasy’s my pick.

18. Do you ever read a book without knowing anything about it?

looks at the answer for 8. Hahaha.

I mean, I will generally instat-buy from favorite authors, but even then I check out the synopsis, at bare minimum. It’s not a matter of trust, so much as I wanna know what I’m getting from them. Even with comic creative teams, I still at least take a look at the premise and read some preview pages, at least.

I mean, if we’re talking about something that fits the spirit of this question... The Spirits Up by Todd Babiak is the closest thing that fits. I saw the cover, read that if you love Schitt’s Creek, you’ll love this book, and that it was discounted at 30% off, I snagged it up without much thought. I can impulse-buy sometimes.

Granted, I haven’t actually read it yet, so... who knows. Down the road, I might pay closer attention to reviews, instead of diving head-first into this book. Generally, 99% of the time, I’m meticulous about studying everything about a book before buying and reading it, so I know I’m guaranteed a decent read.

19. What author, genre, series, or culture can you just not get into? Why?

Well, I’m definitely tackling these, one by one.

Authors:

Terry Goodkind Terry Goodkind Terry Prickin’ Shitkind: You know, I almost didn’t put him here, half because I originally put in Leigh Bardugo on here before realizing that since I liked Six of Crows enough, that probably disqualifies her, and half because since he’s dead, it almost feels like punching down on a man after he can’t respond from his grave. Then I remind myself this is the same Randian pretentious fuckclown who increasingly caricatured his political enemies into fictional strawmen antagonists to cartoonish levels, ratcheted up the amount of sexual violence towards women in his books to the point of wallpaper, and, most damningly of all, mocked Robert Jordan’s dying condition to the point that Jordan noted it in his last ever blog post. I have nothing good to say about the man’s writing and the biggest positive thing he added to his net worth as a writer and person? The act of dying. Good riddance.

Neil Gaiman: I don’t hugely get Gaiman’s popularity. I do get it to a point, but I feel Gaiman rests on aesthetics of being creepy and/or weird and people just gravitate to that sort of vibe, rather than any sense of substance of his writing. His prose strikes me reasonably straightforward and full of child-like wonder, rather than being poetic and gorgeous as fans of his would espouse it is. Thematically, he loves to wank off to the power of stories and change, which, okay, I don’t disagree. I just ironically wish his storytelling was better. Also, Grant Morrison wanks off to similar, and they had Santa Claus get visited by psychedelic aliens, to boot.

Brent Weeks: He makes up a White Male Trio with Anthony Ryan and Brian Staveley, in terms of being bland white-bread popcorn fantasists (Sanderson is pretty popcorn to me as well, but he’s got enough imagination and neat narrative turns to elevate him), but darker in tone, so They’re Cool™ in a grimmer fantasy landscape. There’s not a lot to say about Weeks as a writer, he’s basically Sanderson, except darker, meaning more needless sexual violence. Of course. I’ve heard that he’s a cool enough dude from a few decent gestures, but the quality of his work leaves so much to be desired and I don’t get why people like him, when there are better popcorn fantasists.

Patrick Rothfuss: I mark this with almost 100% sincerity when I say The Name of the Wind is one of fantasy’s best comedies. It is hilariously “so good, it’s bad” quality. The prose is pretty decent enough, but then Kvothe looks at a woman and/or the characters actually start talking and it all goes to shit so badly, my ribs. The premise alone feels like a bodice-ripper without the integrity to admit itself as such. The Wise Man’s Fear is also pretty amusingly bad, given the scene where Kvothe out-bangs a sex Fae, but also genuinely, gut-wrenchingly, bad, given said sex Fae effectively raped Kvothe and then the discussion of vivisection and how Kvothe’s effectively pro-vivisection of countless citizens because it advanced medical science and that last part makes me Groan so hard, my first name’s become Titus. Just. God, I 110% don’t get Rothfuss’ popularity at all. I legit think it would’ve been better for everyone, including him, if he didn’t get blown up to the hype he got.

Steven Erikson: I really tried thrice with Erikson. It really isn’t personal with him, his series does sound interesting and complex, but Gardens of the Moon’s prose was so overwrought and self-consciously emulating this needlessly grim vibe, and these characters seem to talk, not to actually explain shit, but tease meaning for the long narrative game. And while my peek into Deadhouse Gates showed that the prose was much better there, I’m not really sure I’m up for trying to chip through 500+ pages, just for the potential of better. Granted, I’ve heard plenty of people talk about how good Malazan Book of the Fallen is, from a world-building and character level, especially its later books, but gods, I just don’t see it now. It doesn’t help that Erikson insisted on publishing a first book whose writing quality was ten years before his actual better foot forward. Revision, Erikson, the art of it exists for a reason!

Genre:

I’ve actually talked about romance once before here, and most of it remains utterly true to me, especially in the fact that it’s usually an entire genre revolved around the build-up to a relationship and that’s always going to annoy me when I even try to crack open a typical romance book (I want my money back after the few first pages alone, hell, after the free preview alone), however... I think I need to cut my teeth on more queer romances and Jane Austen’s works before giving up on the genre wholesome. Queer romances because, you know, I’m queer, and it might, I stress might, be possible queer writers will do things differently from heteronormative writers, so I might take a look at Alexis Hall’s Boyfriend Material, and Casey McQuiston's Red, White & Royal Blue and One Last Stop before judging the genre harder (I wouldn’t mind looking into some AMAB genderfluid romances, mind you, but those are the ones that were personally read by a fandom member I trust). And Jane Austen, because, you know, it’s Jane Austen. I own most of her books anyway.

I also find mystery’s drier function and more episodic nature... kind of limiting to how much long-term characterization can be done, outside the detectives? The structure of the genre effectively means the amount of characterization you can get out of the suspects is filtered through the mystery, meaning it ends up feeling like a jigsaw puzzle of figuring out how all the clues fit together, either through process of elimination (in which case, who gives a shit about the characterization of a suspect once you’ve ruled them out?) or genuine detective reasoning (which, fair enough, but that’s harder, and from the mysteries I’ve read and didn’t like, they’re reasonably without the guts of characters). The only mystery I can more than stomach is Umineko no Naku Koro ni, and that’s partly because the cyclical, yet differing, nature of the catbox means you get the broad strokes, but different nuances of tragic assholes with each iteration, and its focus on the “heart,” the raw, ugly, achingly heartbreaking, yet terrible motives behind the murders. I’m not sure that even counts against my apathy towards the mystery genre, given it’s so different from the rest of the genre.

Series:

Malazan Book of the Fallen for all the reasons I’ve detailed above, which is a bit of a shame, because I think it’s not a bad series. Just not for me, even though I haven’t given up yet.

The Cosmere, and I differentiate between this and Stormlight Archive. I like Sanderson enough, and, as tedious and long as Stormlight Archive can run, those books did not need to be 1000+ pages long, the characters and imagination and plot developments in that series are enough to keep me going, if not enthusiastically. The Cosmere itself as a meta-series, though? I think it took Rhythm of War’s Zahel sparring session for me to realize I don’t much care for the Cosmere as a whole. Not when it’s throwing terms like “Type Two Invested entity” in my face. And yes, the in-universe character it’s being thrown to doesn’t get it either, so Sanderson’s got enough self-awareness to know not everyone’s going to get it, but it’s clearly meant to be a sly wink to the readers who are in the know with having read Warbreaker, and boy, even if I did read it, the Easter Egg would’ve broken my immersion into the world, given it’s dependent on me having read an entirely different book of his. At least, the Ghostbloods and Odium add to the story without needing to read other books, while being connected to a greater whole. Zahel’s inclusion just feels like “hey, you know that guy, right?” interconnectivity for the sake of itself and I don’t care that much for Sanderson’s non-Stormlight Archive or The Emperor’s Soul works to get the full context.

The Kingkiller Chronicles, for all the reasons above, because I can handle “so good, it’s bad” writing, but when you’re claiming your male virgin is So Good at Sex that he can satisfy a sex Fae his first try, and vivisection was Good, Actually, and likely using that as the example of a bad act in service of a greater good, leading towards the titular king killing, as if you can morally equivalate the two at all? Well. I can see the writing on the wall and refuse to be suckered into a sunk-cost fallacy.

The Dresden Files, because while I love fantasy and the themes of noir, noir’s had an entrenched problem with sexism, and fantasy’s not hugely better in that department, but at least more progressive people pen more in it. And from what I’ve heard of Butcher’s later writing, he apparently doubled down on the sexism. Just a case example, there’s a woman who orgasms in a morgue and two men nearby find it arousing (then asks if the woman is underaged) and. Well. That sure ain’t a good look for my chances of getting into the series.

The Dark Tower, partly because @books-and-doodles pointed out that Stephen King’s revealed himself to be a bit of a douche in his memoir/writerly help book, but more crucially, someone on my fandom server DM’d me about King’s long-standing issues with mental health exploitation and his voyeuristic misrepresentation of them, some in his The Dark Tower series itself. Needless to say, it didn’t leave me with a dying hunger to cut my teeth on his works.

Culture:

I mean, I’m game for 99% of all cultures. I might take issue with the storytelling focus, but if lots of people of color authors and Guy Gavriel Kay have any say in the matter, it’s that any culture can and should be made interesting and worthwhile, and they should all have their chances to be written about. However, I wouldn’t mind more Medieval European-centric fantasies breaking out of that mold. It’s what first attracted me about The Age of Madness and what appeals to me about Discworld’s growing world. The world changes, we should move forward from the old ways of the Medieval Era or the Middle Ages.

20. Do you think everyone should read? Why?

Fuck no. Just from personal preference, I have a tin ear for audiobooks, so others might not have an eye for reading. There are different mediums of content, tv shows, podcasts, movies, documentaries, all that good stuff, to take in for fun or information. If you don’t take to reading, there’s plenty of other platters of delicious story or content at the feasts. I think it might be nice to read, but some people just aren��t readers. That’s okay.

I think everyone should develop better critical thinking, at least. It doesn’t matter if you read, watch, or listen, if you’re approaching what you’re consuming without any consideration of authorial bias or ability to evaluate how the creator(s) crafts their content and the message and intent behind it, then it won’t matter if you’ve consumed one or one thousand bits of papers, documentaries, shows, or podcasts, etc., you’ll always remain an ignorant frog in the well in your mind.

I mean, I’ve hung around academia and trans circles enough to know that there are and will be university-diplomate professionals who fudge their methodology and study design in service to higher money for the former, or use shoddier sample sizes or incomplete context to weaponize their transphobia and demagoguing it under the veneer of diplomate-grade research for the latter. Reading isn’t cracked up to be the silver bullet to ignorance we’d like it to be.

In the end, we all take in different forms of content in our own ways. But we should, at least, be more mindful of how and what we take in. Otherwise, you get horseshit opinions like “Red Country was character assassination of X and Y!” or people thinking vaccinations cause autism without proper comprehension of themes or research study methodology, which would help one see the truth of those bits of content.

Tagging: @xserpx, @vera-dauriac, @autoapocrypha, @doublehex, @random-jot, @jumpydr4gon, @bloody-wonder, and @mytly4 and whoever else that is following me and wishes to do this tag (I’d like to read your posts, so please tag me! :D)

#books #book tag #the philosophy of reading tag

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polishksiezniczka · 3 years

Text

Camerlengo Patrick McKenna Fluff ABCs | Camerlengo x Female Reader

Il camerlengo deserves more love ❤

Notes: These take place in an AU where the Cardinal Strauss and Commander Richter are guilty of the attacks on the Vatican. 2K words.

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

There are so many things about you Patrick adores: your beautiful, soft smile; the curiosity and warmth your eyes convey; the feminine lilt of your voice. But most of all, he loves you for your heart. The kindness you show towards others makes you an angel in his eyes.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why or why not?)

Despite his vocation to the priesthood, Patrick would love nothing more than to start a family with you. He views the love you share as a gift from God, not something that should be disgraced or vilified. The arbitrary man-made rules of the Church which prevent him from realizing this longing—your own little family—frustrate him to no end.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

With the utmost care and gentleness. He holds you against him, reverently stroking your hair, face, and body with his warm fingers. He especially loves to admire the suppleness of you, softly kissing each and every glorious inch he can reach. While these moments are few, they are precious to him.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Because your relationship with Patrick is technically “forbidden,” you can’t go on dates in the normal sense. When he can, Patrick will use the secret passage between the Vatican and Castel Sant’ Angelo to discretely travel to the outside world in order to visit you. Because you really can’t be seen alone with him, you instead spend time with Patrick in your apartment, often cooking dinner, talking, and just enjoying each other’s company. Even if you can’t confess your love to the world yet, all he desires is to spend every moment he can with you.

E = Everything [“You are my ____________.” (e.g. my life, my world)]

“You are my heart.”

“You are my treasure.”

“You are my life’s greatest blessing. You are a gift from God.”

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

When he imagined his life without you. The pain he felt even entertaining the notion was too much for him to bear. He knew he needed to tell you before it was too late.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

This is one of the main reasons you fell in love with Patrick—he is truly the gentlest soul you have ever met. He treats you as if you were a priceless relic, practically worshipping the ground you walk on and swearing to defend you from any harm. Not that he won’t stand up for what he believes—he is a fierce defender of his faith and possesses the ability to inspire millions with his commanding oratory. But the look of love in his eyes when you catch him watching you makes your heart flutter rapidly in your chest like a schoolgirl’s.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Secretly and with all the affection he can possibly give. He especially loves to brush his thumb across the back of your hand, squeeze them lightly, or bring them to his lips when they are intertwined. When you are alone together, he always wants to maintain this type of intimate contact.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

When you first met Patrick, the always-charming young priest was left speechless. Not only was he enamored of your beauty, he was mesmerized by your intellect and eloquence. At first, he chided himself for such foolish and boy-like thoughts—he was a priest, after all! But after slowly getting to know you, he realized how much you embodied perfection to him: your poise, the uncommon kindness you showed to all those you met, your deep devotion to your Catholic faith. And you couldn’t help but feel the same strong attraction to him.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous much?)

Patrick is not the jealous type—he would never have any reason to be. Your love is built on trust and truthfulness, and he alone holds the key to your heart.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

You were the first to kiss Patrick. You had gone to him for guidance after suffering a deeply personal anguish. His words were so gentle and reassuring, you couldn’t help but softly kiss his cheek in gratitude as tears slipped silently from your eyes. You were too numb to even feel ashamed, let alone prepare for Patrick’s response: taking your hand and kissing it lovingly, a gesture meant to assure you your feelings were reciprocated.

Because of Patrick’s profession and his constant presence in the public eye, you can’t be together as often as you’d like. But when you are, you nearly die and go to heaven from his mouth’s attentions alone. Patrick’s kisses are gentle, reverent, and full of love. He is never aggressive or rough; instead, he worships you with his lips, laying them everywhere like a starving man put before a feast.

L = Love (Who says I love you first?)

Patrick did. He was running to the helicopter to dispose of the antimatter chamber, willing to sacrifice his life for the safety of the faithful gathered in the Square and his beloved St. Peter’s. As he prepared to take off, he saw you standing on the steps at the entrance to the basilica, tears in your eyes. He silently mouthed to you, “I love you. Pray for me.” You were distraught but could do nothing but nod as tears clouded your vision and watch as he ascended from the plaza into the night sky.

M = Memory (What’s their favorite memory together?)

One night you begged Patrick to go for a walk around the city together, like a normal couple would. You couldn’t brush away the romantic childhood notions of strolling through Rome with your beloved. He finally acquiesced to your pleas (your doe eyes and breathy implorations being of great assistance to you) and the two of you slipped quietly out into the dusky night. You frolicked at the Trevi Fountain, gazed at the enormity of the Pantheon, and shared a sweet treat from the gelateria while nestled on a bridge overlooking the Tiber River. Although the ancient city was beautiful, the sight beside him was what truly took his breath away.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Priests are sworn to a life of poverty, so Patrick does not shower you with expensive presents (nor can he afford to). But none of that matters to you because all you care about is Patrick and your love for him. Of his few earthly possessions, Patrick gifted you his late mother’s golden crucifix necklace inlaid with emerald, despite your attempts to dissuade him. He gave you the look of utmost adoration and smiled. “Angelo mio, you are the only one worthy of wearing it.” You wear the necklace every day as a secret declaration of your love for Patrick.

O = Orange (What color reminds them of their other half?)

There are two: light pink (it is your favorite color and the color of your favorite flower, the gardenia) and white. White symbolizes purity and peace, as it is the color of the angels, and to Patrick, you are his angel on Earth.

P = Pet Names (What pet names do they use?)

Angelo mio (“my angel”); cuore mio (“my heart”); mi amore (my love); “beloved”; “dearest”; “my treasure” ; “sweetheart.”

Q = Quaint (What is their favorite non-modern thing?)

His rosary, made of olive wood grown on the shores of the Sea of Galilee. It was a gift from His Holiness.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Ideally, he would spend the day curled up together on the sofa with you, reading, talking, or just basking in the other’s presence. Two mugs of tea and a plate of delectable pastries you had baked for him would sit on the table but would remain uneaten because of the sustenance you provide to each other. When he cannot be with you, he enjoys spending time in his study, doing research, reading Scripture, or writing his weekly homily.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Prayer—he always turns to God and the Saints for guidance.

Naturally, being by your side and in close physical contact immediately quells even his deepest fears. He relishes listening to your soft, sweet voice, lulling him into a sense of profound comfort and eventually, sleep.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Patrick is an intellectual at heart and loved the time he spent in seminary. He is incredibly well-versed in a variety of topics, including literature, history, science, music, art, philosophy, and theology. You could listen to him for hours and never lose interest.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

You. Patrick can be himself around you, let his guard down. He knows that he can tell you anything. Sometimes when he has a lot on his mind (responsibilities, the welfare of his Church, your future together), he simply gazes at you lovingly and observes the subtle movements you make when you’re engrossed in a task like cooking, reading, or playing the piano.

When he’s anxious and you are not around, prayer provides him a deep sense of comfort. He also relishes in your sweet scent—a small vial of your perfume you gifted him.

V = Vaunt (How do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Vanity is a sin! 😉

But in secret, he loves showing off his Latin skills to you! You find it incredibly sensual when he speaks to you in that ancient tongue.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

On a dreamy spring night, Patrick led you up to a secret balcony near the base of St. Peter’s massive dome—a hidden observatory shown to him by His Holiness when he was a young boy. The view is breathtaking; you can see the whole city bathed in golden light, the inky blue darkness above cut by the silver caresses of the moon. You turn to Patrick in complete awe and could hardly articulate how beautiful the view was. He pulls you close to him and whispers that he would be happy if he could never see this view again if it meant he could spend the rest of his life with you. You turned to him, overwhelmed with love, your breath hitching at the significance of his words. He then knelt down before you, taking your hands in his.

“Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, of all the blessings God has bestowed upon me, none is more precious than you. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew that we were meant to be together, in this place and time.” His eyes were sincere and insistent, his tone earnest as he held your hands tighter and continued: “My mind told me that we could not be together, that my vows of celibacy and chastity forbid this. But my heart tells me that if a love so pure as ours exists, is it not a gift from God, meant to be treasured? And though I may not deserve to understand, all I wish to know and feel is my love for you.” His eyes shone softly with tears.

“Y/N, my love, will you make me the happiest man on Earth and spend the rest of your life with me? Will you be my wife?”

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Patrick loves the ancient hymns from the early days of the Church, their melodies hauntingly beautiful yet powerful. “Ave Maria” also has a special place in his heart after he heard you singing it softly to yourself one evening while preparing dinner.

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Every day! Patrick is so torn between the duties of his priesthood and his intense longing to spend the rest of his life as your husband. He prays to God often about this personal conflict, but finally decides to propose to you before Him alone, indifferent to anyone else’s judgement.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Because Patrick is so easygoing and affectionate, he would do really well with dogs.

Tag: @lemairepstuff @seraferna

#ewan mcgregor #patrick mckenna #camerlengo #angels and demons #dan brown #il camerlengo #carlo ventresca #ewanfuckinmcgregor #forgive me father for i have sinned

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readingsbylibramc · 3 years

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birth chart reading for @haex1991

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a seesaw shape. your life focuses on different ideals and interests, often constrasting between each other. from one side, this gives you the ability to be adaptable and find solutions easily. on the other hand, you may struggle with balance; for example, you might find yourself dedicating your life to your relationships, neglecting your ego or viceversa. you need to learn how to harmonize these energies.

your dominant planets are mercury, the sun and saturn. you are a very extroverted and talkative person, you probably make friends easily and you come off as very approachable. you are particularly intelligent, and combined with your hard-working nature you're able to achieve anything.

your dominant sign is gemini. you are a very intelligent individual, you are thirsty for knowledge and you also have great communication skills. you have a witty sense of humor, you're able to make everyone feel at ease with your sympathy. people may say you're two-faced, but in reality you just act in the most appropriate way based on the situation you're in. you despise boredom, you're very experimental in your life, but others may mistake this trait for flakiness.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in virgo, 5° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you have a practical approach to the world. you’re kind of logical, it’s hard for you to improvize. you always want to keep everything neat and organized, at least in your mind. you could have a natural coldness to your face. you may seem a bit older than you are, or at least very mature and responsible, even though you may be more outgoing than you look due to your many gemini placements. with your attentive eyes, you pay attention to every single detail you see. you’re a perfectionist, and you always want and try to be at your best state. I would say you’re quite competitive when it comes to your goals, but you don’t really do it to be above others. you do it because your obsession for details kind of stresses you out. improving and proving yourself is a way to boost your self-esteem, you feel fulfilled when you can achieve your goals. you are extremely intelligent and logical, you’re always up for a deep talk or simply for an occasion to gain more knowledge. you like being smart, you always want to know about everything. even the latest, trendy meme counts for you. your nature is very cautious; you’re rarely impulsive, you always think deeply about your decisions, as you don’t want to commit any mistakes. because of that, you can be particularly picky. not only with material things such as movies, books, food etc. but even with people. it’s hard for you to open up to someone you don’t know at all. you take things slow, both in friendships and in relationships, just to preserve yourself. you may come off as kind of snobby, but you’re just misunderstood. you don’t like flaky bonds, you need security in your life. physically, as I’ve already mentioned before, you have this kind of strict look on your face. your eyes may be almond-shaped, and you could have a natural feline gaze. overall, you have something smaller about your features; you could have thin lips, a small nose, small eyes… you could have a smaller frame with thin bones. you may be of average height, and I’ve noticed that most virgos tend to have pretty long legs? no matter if they’re tall or not, their legs will still be longer than their bust.

🌞 sun in gemini, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and uranus

with your sign in the mutable sign of gemini, you are a very light-hearted, chill individual. you're very bright and bubbly, you have amazing communication skills and also an entertaining sense of humor that is able to light up the room. you're very sociable, you like interacting with others, even though I assume that with your earth ascendant in your chart, you find it harder to let this side of you out, especially with people you don't feel comfortable with. since gemini is a mutable sign, you most likely have tons of interests and hobbies, they're so many that you find it hard to keep up with all of them, despite being extremely good at multi-tasking. in fact, you're particularly intelligent and thirsty for knowledge. you like learning about everything, you love looking and being smart. it's your way to feel empowered and proud of yourself. you always need freshness in your daily life, you cannot stand boredom. because of that, you may often change your ideas, your hobbies, your favourite singer, etc. sometimes, you could even apply this to friends and lovers, and people may consider you unloyal or not much serious because of that. in addition, you get easily very anxious and stressed, to the point that you may seem dramatic to others. you may also get scared easily, even though you try to look collected thanks to your virgo rising.

gemini sun conjunct gemini moon: you were born on a new moon, hence the sun and the moon were in the same sign at the moment of your birth. in astrology, new moons represent fresh starts; you're the type to start lots of projects, always feeling like you need to transform yourself or your routine. you're very self-aware of your identity, as you're constantly in contact with your feelings. you may even appear as too emotional, as the sun brings all your emotions out to see. some people have their sun and moon in signs that clash together, making them confused and indecisive; this is not your case, as you act to get what you want and need. you're interested in knowing more about your roots, your childhood, and also about having a family in general. when you were young, you probably were even more energetic than now. you could be the type to look nostalgically at your old pictures, and you care about your mother a lot. you're also very interested in your own culture; you're not afraid to show the world your interests, reactions and opinions. the problem with this conjunction, especially with the fact that it is in the sign gemini, is that the individual may become so self-sufficient at the point that doesn't let anyone interfer in their life. it's obviously a good thing to do when someone tries to hurt you, but there's the risk it may happen even with people that are trying to help you if not well-developed. another problem that comes with this mostly lovely aspect is that showing your emotions freely makes you wear your heart on your sleeve. people may take advantage of that, and try to hurt you about things that you care about deeply, as they're not hidden. last but not least, your parents' relationships might have had impact on your growth. maybe they're divorced, and one of them had to compensate for the missing parent; perhaps, one of them was highly influenced by the other. or maybe, they just had a very peaceful relationship that makes you have high standards when it comes to love.

gemini sun conjunct gemini mercury: you express your ego and identity through your words and ideas. you’re very opinionated and you protect strongly your beliefs. after all, you probably came up with your ideals after thinking deeply about them, you were too precise to be wrong. you’re also probably an avid reader, and you could do well in writing yourself, as you’re able to properly convey your ideals with your words. also, your heavy leo dominance makes you naturally good at coming up with creative ideas, or even poetry. your mind is very active, and you feel comfortable letting all your thoughts out. it’s actually a way to relieve stress. you also have a wide vocabulary, and you’re capable of making a formal speech if you have to. you have a memorable way of speaking, as your words are very sharp. it’s hard for you to be ignored for your intellect.

🌙 moon in gemini, 19° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

the most charismatic gemini decan. you're very curious about the world, you always want to be informed about the latest news and everything that surrounds you in general. this could make you love gossip and journalism, for example. in fact, you're quite chatty, you love talking to others, and you're likely to have a good sense of humor as well. you live to fill up your mind with knowledge, and you love sharing what you learn with others. in some cases, you may even come off as a bit of a know-it-all. you're really practical and logical; while this is good, as it's obviously a heavy mental work that makes you even smarter, you have the tendency to over-analyze your emotions. for example, if you start feeling happy all of a sudden, you may be so busy trying to understand what makes you so happy that you may forget to feel your happiness. you're also quite moody, and go from being full of energy and sociable to isolating yourself. I also assume that you may hide your feelings, even if you don't do it consciously. e.g, you may make jokes about them. even though you don't realize it, it's a sort of self-sabotaging mechanism, as you're literally exposing your weak points to the world and enhancing your flaws. aside from that, I still think that people perceive you as very likeable, especially when you feel comfortable in the environment you are in. you're naturally flirty and charming, and people take note of that.

🗣 mercury in gemini, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

mercury is in its natural place in gemini, your whole chart flows very well! you have great problem-solving skills, you are extremely intelligent and astute. when you were younger, you probably used to be the winner at games like hide-and-seek. this placement also enhances your thirst for knowledge of any kind, you want to learn at least a little about anything, from science to foreign cultures. yet, since you want to learn so many things all at once, you may lack precision and be a little bit superficial. on the other hand, you're a fast learner, but since mercury is placed in the 10th house, a water house, you may be a bit too logical and practical, lacking intuition. you may often find people predictable, but in reality you're just ahead of them. you're also very open-minded, even though you still rely more on logic, not like your sister sign is sagittarius. yet, it's easy for you to be flexible in your day-to-day life, you don't have to follow a schedule to have everything under control, even though you may often suffer from stress and headaches due to this lack of organization. you may have a very youthful and positive voice, you just give off good vibes, you know?

❤️ venus in leo, 6° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

with leo venus you're very picky, as you have high expectations for your future partner. you always try to be at your best state, and you want those who surround you to be perfect too. it's hard for you to fall for someone, as you take everything in consideration: personality, physical appearance, fashion sense... it may look like it is too much, but once you find the right one that truly satisfies your standards, you're in for a long ride. you'll want to travel, live your life in the best way possible with the person you love. you look at them as if they were the brighest star in the sky, and you want to be seen like this as well. you may even be a bit clingy, but your partner needs to be aware of that. they can't repress your need for affection. you see love as a way to revive your inner child, you feel younger when you're in love. even though you want someone fun and outgoing, you also need someone ambitious, hard-working and generally serious when it comes to committing. there's no room in your life for flaky people.

leo venus conjunct leo mars: you are very serious when it comes to love. you seek intense, long-lasting relationships, filled with both romance and passion. ironically, you tend to attract people that are the opposite, who are only looking for fun and casual romance. that could afflict your self-worth significantly, as you feel unlucky in love. this is also another placement that indicates that one of your parents, probably your father, or still anyone of the opposite sex probably influenced your approach to romance and sex. there are different scenarios I have in mind, but I'll talk about it later in the family life section.

leo venus conjunct leo jupiter: this placement makes you extremely likeable, especially with your this conjunction being in the charismatic sign of leo. you're probably quite popular, or at least you're very appreciated wherever you go. not only you're physically attractive, but you're also very friendly and charismatic, which makes it impossible not to notice you. you despise conflicts and chaotic situations in general, you're very peaceful. perhaps, to have fun you prefer using creative and artistic outlets rather than going out. I also find this an extremely beneficial placement for you, as you have a pisces descendant that makes you attract broken and / or problematic partners. with venus being conjunct to jupiter, this energy may not be as prominent as usual, as you tend to attract more positivity in your life.

leo venus opposite aquarius saturn: you feel unable to love someone. this placement usually brings fear of committing, causing the individual to be flaky. there are two possibilities; I assume you directly avoid to get into relationships. your mind may unconsciously repress any thought about an eventual crush or love interest. it is caused by your insecurity, especially regarding your looks. or perhaps, it’s the other way around: you literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. you could feel pressured to be in a relationship, even though it’s not your priority. saturn in the 7th house may also manifest in a lack of romanticism in an individual, but I don’t think it’s totally your case. I assume that you are quite romantic, but exactly because of your romanticism, you tend to get very picky. you want your partner to meet your ideals of perfection, and hence you may often end up not dating anyone, or being let down by your own lovers. actually, you could even be afraid of love, especially because there could be a lot of karma around your relationships. you could have to experience lots of hardships throughout your love life, but they’ll help you become more mature. it’s also recommended to get married after your saturn return with this placement, hence after your 27/28 years.

☄️ mars in leo, 9° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

praise and success are what motivate you the most. your main goal in life is being praised for achieving your goals, you wouldn't feel motivated without compliments. therefore, you put energy in things that make you feel confident and noticed, as you enjoy being seen. for example, if you feel confident being well-dressed, you could spend hours in the closet to look how you want. you are very creative, you get an energy boost through creative outlets, and hence your hobbies (reading, writing, dancing, singing, drawing, etc.) recharge your battery. this placement also makes you very extra, especially with people you're close to. you may gesticulate a lot, you could as well enjoy mimicking others' voices. you're basically very dramatic, you seem like an actor when you react, but at least you're very fun and entertaining to watch and listen. this placement, it gives you a strong charisma that, and combined with your heavy gemini dominance, it makes it impossible not to notice you. you could overreact from time to time, and you may also be particularly pessimistic, but above all you appear as someone very bold and strong-minded.

leo mars conjunct leo jupiter: you are driven by a strong sense of justice that makes you want to discover the truth. you hate lies of any kind, you want sincerity from those around you and you're the first to be constantly honest. you value your freedom a lot, your life motto is most likely 'live and let live'. you think everyone should live their lives by their own standards, without feeling afraid of being judged or criticized. you're a very pure and genuine person, you hardly ever judge a book by its cover, and you're also extremely open-minded. you're thirsty for knowledge of any kind, you're always up to learn something new. you may also be interested in foreign languages and cultures, as well as philosophy, literature... anything that can teach you something new about the world. you may be quite impulsive, and when you get angry you tend to be very blunt. you may say things that hurt others, as you're brutally honest, even though that wasn't your intention. you may also appear as flaky, since you don't like feeling tied to something or someone. you could often change your favourite colour, food, singer... you despise boredom, and your need for freshness may also manifest in your relationships.

leo mars opposite aquarius saturn: this is another placement that indicates that something or someone is trying to restrict you, they're trying to prevent you from following your dreams and taking your own choices for your life. that someone is most likely an individual that has a lot on impact on you, it's someone very authoritative. or perhaps, it may even be a bully or abuser of any sort. as a result, you either rebel and get extremely angry, or you hide all of your disappointment inside of you. but soon or after, all of your intense feelings are going to eat you alive if you keep going like this, it's a very unhealthy behaviour. you could find it extra hard to achieve your goals, as when you try you always come across some hardships. what matters the most, is that you try to be more positive, you could even try manifesting more patience or serenity. you can't hold onto anger so much, or it will just fill you with negativity that could damage you. let it all go, focus on your goals and try to understand how to be more patient. in fact, you may often feel like you need to do everything as soon as possible, when it's not like that. you can allow yourself to be more calm and live life as it comes, it will make you feel much better with yourself and you'll also get more mature, which is crucial to learn your saturnian lessons and increase your self-confidence, which you should have done by now as you've already had your saturn return.

leo mars square scorpio pluto: with this placement, I assume that when you were younger you were some sort of victim. you could have been bullied, for example, you used to be insecure about the way you looked and were. you could have felt different from others, and they took advantage of that to make you feel even more insecure. or maybe, it was a parent, or every authoritative figure in your life, that restricted you from following your own ideals. because of that, now you constantly feel the need to prove yourself. you probably tend to accumulate a lot of anger all together, which you need to let all out or you could explode. you could find comfort in physical ways to relieve stress, like punching bags, slamming doors, etc. or perhaps, when you're angry you just get overwhelmed by all of your emotions. you may cry, scream, even throw up in certain cases. on the other hand, you are extremely magnetic and attractive to others, you naturally draw people towards you. you're also extremely passionate in whatever you do, you put your whole heart in doing things you love. you're very hard-working and determined to achieve your goals, and I find this beneficial considering that your gemini energy tends to make one superficial. with this aspect, you're probably more dedicated than the common gemini.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in virgo. you appear as someone intelligent, possibly judgmental and critical. in fact, you’re a perfectionist, and most of the time you appreciate it when someone takes care of themselves just as much as you do. you’re also particularly pessimistic, and this could be annoying for those around you. you’re very logical, you probably lack intuition just like you lack water in your chart. you’re very pragmatic, and you may even be judgmental, but this energy is probably mitigated by your gemini dominance, which makes you more open-minded and flexible. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 10th house: you come off as a very private, yet mature person. you may be quite secretive, or at least you only prefer to share your persona with those around you. you probably love your career, you're very independent and responsible and people admire you for that.

your 2nd house is in virgo. you have a practical approach to money; even though you may like spending and shopping, I see you being careful with them, and you may even keep track of them through an agenda or something like that. you feel the need to be perfect, and that can cause you self-esteem issues. with your heavy gemini energy, I assume that this manifests as sudden bursts of insecurity or of confidence, your image of yourself fluctuates a lot. you take pride in your intellect, you are very proud of your ideas, theories and opinions. you could also make money from communication of any kind. you could be a stewardess, as well as a writer, a singer... the ruler of the 2nd house is placed in the 10th house: your future career may include 2nd house matters; you may work in a place related to money, perhaps in a bank. you could become successful as a notary, as an accountant... anything related to finances. you could also work in an artistic field, for instance as a graphic designer, as an interior designer, as a singer... jobs that require creativity.

your 3rd house is in libra. it's most likely common for you to include other people in your thoughs and speech. for example, you may often find yourself talking about your partners, your friends, neighbors, celebrities... you probably also like gossips. this placement, on the other hand, gives you an opinionated, even poetic mind. you could be interested in literature for example, and you most likely were good at school. your mind and words are your energy tank, what satisfy you the most. you may talk a lot about different topics of any kind, from childhood to videogames, but you never get boring. you're always entertaining to listen to. you also have your scorpio pluto in this house: you're extremely blunt and straight-forward, you may actually hurt people with your words, even though you mean no harm. the thing is, you speak the truth, but not everyone can accept it. that's why your behaviour is so controversial. though, since you also have a libra 3rd house, I assume you could manifest this side of you only when you react by impulse, when you're angry. otherwise, you try to be as well-spoken as possible. you speak fluent sarcasm, and that could annoy people who don't understand your sense of humor. you're probably good at lying, and even manipulating people. you may often make others change their mind just with your own words, but be careful not to use this skill to hurt others, or you'll only experience a sense of guilt and overall the bad sides of it. on the other hand, you're an extremely captivating speaker, you'd be successful at anything that involves the use of words and voice. you're truly intuitive, and it's easy for you to understand when someone is being honest or is lying to you. last but not least, you're very secretive as well. you're probably the type to know everything and anything about others, while you remain a mystery. with the ruler of the 3rd house being in the 10th house, you may often talk about your career and about your achievements. you may also live more into the future rather than in the present, hence you could often make plans and talk about what you want to happen.

your 4th house is in scorpio. your relationship with your family is most likely very intense, but not necessarily good. it could be that your parents were quite overprotective of you, you felt judged and restricted from acting the way you wanted. or perhaps, they were emotionally distant, your childhood lacked affection. you probably had to grow up sooner than other kids, and it could be that you first came in touch with plutonian topics (drugs, spirits, sex, death etc.) at a young age. you were more mature from this point of view. in addition, it's also probably that your parents were particularly overprotective, and hence they could have limited you from making experiences. this challenging childhood of yours is most likely the cause of your unstable self-esteem, and perhaps you also have troubles with long-term goals and dreams too.

your 5th house is in the sign of capricorn, with also your saturn, uranus and neptune placed there. capricorn and saturn usually bring a feeling of seriousness to the house it’s in. I don’t think it’s your case, though. in fact, neptune, is also placed in this house. you could be a bit more introverted, probably you’re not the type to frequent clubs, parties, etc. you’re more serious from that point of view. your hobbies could actually drain your energy for you; let’s suppose you’re into videogames. you could literally spend the whole day playing videogames, as you take your hobbies very seriously. you’re not the type to start a project and then leave it, and it could be helpful considering that your gemini sun gets bored very easily, you’re very resolute. also, you most likely have 'mature’ hobbies; you could be into politics, economy, history… you could be into slower types of music, for example, or perhaps you like reading about world issues. with your children you may be quite strict, as you see them as a responsibility. also, you may often be attracted or attract older or more mature partners. you’re most likely a very romantic and artistic person, you may be fond of music, dancing, singing, acting… anything creative that stimulates your senses. yet, you may be a bit picky when it comes to hobbies; you probably only like reading specific types of books, you only listen to a certain music style, and so on. you may also be into spirituality such as psychology, astrology, law of attraction, yoga, mediation, etc.

your 6th house is in aquarius. people with aquarius in their 6th house need to change their routine throughout your life. probably, when you were you younger they taught you things that aren’t healthy for your body and health. you may have to change your diet, your medicines… also, you may sometimes procrastinate in your day-to-day life. I don’t think you do it too often, but it may still happen due to your gemini dominance in your chart, but for example you wouldn’t mind skipping a day of school or work to play videogames. this placement also indicates that you may often come across unpredictable events in your daily life. you may often see strange, unordinary things, or perhaps it’s your routine that is like that. you may lack consistency when it comes to diets and health, for example; you may start a diet and keep it for a month, then you get tired and drop it all of a sudden. you could also develop unexpected diseases. you may pursue a career that looks unexpected for you at first, something that you never thought you'd do. it will most likely be a creative, artistic job. it will be a very pleasant job, it won’t even feel like a duty to you as you’ll choose a job that you like and that you’re passionate about. regarding your health, throughout your life you may often come across sudden health problems, illnesses may come out of nowhere.

your 7th house is in pisces. with this pisces descendant, you attract people that are pretty much very intuitive and soft; they could have pisces placements, or at least they’ll be extremely artistic and emotional. yet, you may as well surround yourself with 'broken’ people. that is, people that aren’t exactly in the best state of their health, whether physically or mentally. neptune, the ruler of this house, is in the 5th house. since in your chart the 5th house represents your job too. you’ll most likely meet your future spouse at your work place. you could pursue the same career, they could be a customer of yours… or perhaps, you could meet them in a fun situation, like a party, a vacation, a night out… any situation where you’re supposed to be chilling and having fun, you may meet your future spouse there. also, in a relationship you probably hate feeling suffocated. while your pisces descendant may make you enjoy skinship, you may sometimes also need your space, you still need your freedom, especially since your dominant sign is gemini.

your 8th house is in pisces. you may have many dreams, you’re very artistic and creative. yet, due to this placement, you struggle to let this side of you out and make it concrete. since you have a strong virgo dominance in your chart, I assume that the reason for this blockage is your rationality. you’re way too logical, and you don’t leave space for your imagination. that’s probably caused by the fact that you’re afriad of being seen as a failure, and hence you don’t really go out of your comfort zone when it comes to your ideas. to reach your state of happiness, you need to turn what you dream about into reality, just like the fact that the ruler of the 8th house is in the 5th house confirms: you have 8th house-related hobbies, such as astrology, horror, occult, sex, psychology… or perhaps, you could work in one of those fields. you may also handle someone else’s money, hence you could work in a bank.

your 9th house is in aries. you have a joyful, child-like approach to adventures. you strive for freedom, you want to be your own boss. you don’t want others to tell you what to do. yet, since mars is making harsh aspects to saturn and pluto perhaps, during your childhood, you were restricted from acting the way you wanted. it’s like your ideas were disrespected, and you weren’t allowed to embrace them, or perhaps you were afraid of the consequences. it may be that when you try to break free from what you consider to be a limitation, you may come across a few struggles that could possibly hurt you. luckily, this is an aspect that will naturally get better time with time as you get more mature. in school you were very competitive, you probably studied to get high grades rather than actually learning, you are very motivated to be #1 in everything you do. you may also experience lots of intense events in your life, you may be the type to try extreme things and experiment a lot.

your 10th house is in taurus, with also your gemini stellium with the sun, the moon and mercury. when it comes to work, you’re quite materialistic. you want to earn a great income from your job, you aspire to be wealthy, and luckily with your virgo ascendant you probably don’t lack ambition. yet, as I’ve already mentioned in the previous sections, you shouldn’t procrastinate nor be lazy, you should break free from your limitations and work hard to visualize and achieve your goals, or it may be hard for you to have a stable career life. you may be drawn to artistic careers, such as designing for example, or even stuff like food. you could be a singer, a rapper, a writer… even a therapist or a counsealor, as well as an actor or comedian. you will probably get to communicate something in your career, you may want to spread a certain message or you may have to interact with other people for your job. you could also be in charge, you may get a very high position in your agency or you could even have your own business, I don't see you having to depend on others ar all. you would do well at a variety of things to be honest! but make sure that you understand who you want to be, as geminis tend to be quite indecisive.

your 11th house is in cancer. this placement indicates that your friends, they’re your comfort-zone. you feel understood when you’re with them, they’re pretty much like a family to you. you can tell them anything, you put all of your trust in them. or at least, if you haven’t met anyone like this yet, you’ll surely meet a friend that is like a soulmate to you. they’ll also be very important for your growth. in addition, it could also be that you’re still friends with someone from your childhood or even high school days, and hence you could literally grow up together. you could also have some step-siblings. venus is also placed in this house; you're not into clichés. sure, you need a loyal partner who's stable both emotionally and financially, but at the same time they must have something unique about them. you're not the type to fall for the first guy you see down the street. in addition to that, you're not into the typical, cheesy romantic stuff. you want your partner to be a friend, not only a boyfriend/husband. you want to feel able to talk and vent to them, just like you'd do with a friend, but also someone that is willing to stay with you through thick and thin. you hardly fall in love at first sight, and you act quite casually around your crushes. in fact, most of the times you come off as so detached that you hardly look like you're interested in someone. you could also end up dating or even marrying someone from your group of friends. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 10th house: you most likely have very big dreams for your career, your biggest goal is being financially stable and working in the field of your dreams.

lastly, your 12th house is in leo. this is kind of a tricky placement, as leo rules the self, the ego, and the 12th house rules fears. you could be afriad of being too confident, of feeling worth it, or even just by being in the spotlight. perhaps, you have stage fright. this fear of embracing your persona makes you very insecure, even though you probably don’t show it. also, since your 12th house is the house of dreams, you could often make dreams that involve yourself. you hardly ever dream of someone else, and if you they’re probably your lovers, possibly your friends. you may also make daydreams or sleeping dreams of creative, utopic scenarios. mars and jupiter also sitting here in a conjunction; with jupiter here you most likely have lots of dreams, that could even predict the future. you may have a lot of nightmares, they may involve violence or even death. mars also makes it a little bit hard for you to take action, you could be so logical and practical that you may lack impulse to you. you may even have sleeping as a hobby, you could sleep a lot to relax. you could also enjoy yoga, meditating and doing charity work.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract cancer, sagittarius, pisces and capricorn placements. your future spouse will most likely have cancer and capricorn traits placements. they’ll be very assertive, mature and confident, but also with a warm heart and a hidden insecurity to them. as I’ve already mentioned before, you may meet them during a fun situation, hence at a party, during a vacation, in a restaurant, at a concert… also, your spouse will most likely be one of your soulmates, and hence once you meet them you’ll probably have this 'I’ve already seen you before’ feeling. they’ll seem very familiar, and you’ll find emotional comfort in them. your children will most likely have strong capricorn, aquarius or pisces traits: they’ll be very hard-working and ambitious, but also very funny and warm. also, they’ll be extremely creative and more mature as time goes by.

👶🏻 family life

I won’t say much in this section as I’ve already talked about your childhood in the 4th house section. anyways, your mother was probably the most dominant figure in your family. she was very intense, even scary at times, especially when she got angry. she might’ve also been very possessive or overprotective. she could have scorpio, gemini, virgo, leo, libra or aries placements in her chart, as well as taurus. as for your father, he was more laid-back, but probably very stubborn and also quite protective too. he may have taurus or libra placements in his chart. if you have siblings, your relationship with them may be quite pleasant. probably, you used to get along very well with them, it was pleasant for you to hang out and talk to them. they could have libra, scorpio or taurus placements in their chart.

📊 career

luckily, there are many aspects in your chart that indicate that you’ll be able to earn a big amount of money from your future job. it will most likely allow you to communicate your feelings, and it will also be the key to finally achieve a stable relationship with your self-image and worth. there are strong placements in your chart that point out to acting and writing talent, as well as singing talent. you’re just a very charismatic speaker, so I’d suggest you to take advantage of this natural talent of yours to earn money, luck and self-esteem. you'd do well at writing of any kind, especially creative writing; you may write books, poems, or maybe articles for fashion magazines. careers that allow you to interact with others and talk about feelings are also recommended, hence you may do well as a nurse, as a therapist, etc. you may also work in a company and achieve a very important position in it, especially since venus, the ruler of your 10th house, is conjunct mars, the planet of leadership. you're certainly going to be very independent, people will look up to you.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

keyword for your wardrobe: black. every leo venus loves black, it's probably my favorite love story. after all, it's such a versatile color! it can be both badass and classy, how can I blame you. you may also have a thing for anything that looks luxury and high quality; you probably enjoy wearing designer brands, especially in your belts and bags. you may also like wearing fitted clothes, even just simple skinny jeans or tight tops. aside from black, you could as well use white and bold colours like gold, hot pink etc. also, you may as well be into pastel colors, and you could like following fashion trends.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life time, you didn’t have a specific priority. you just enjoyed wandering with your mind and creativity, allowing yourself to relax with your friends. you used to depend on someone else, not really on yourself. this lifetime, you need to establish your independence AND solid boundaries, not just those you used to daydream about. don’t be afraid to let your inner child out; go to amusement parks, binge-watch netflix, date your crushes, have an hobby, play videogames… you could also play with actual children. anything that brings fun out of you, and that puts a genuine smile on your face.

🤔 major transits analysis / may 1st

you could be undergoing a period of transition, as your natal saturn is conjunct transit pluto in your 5th house. perhaps, you're starting to explore more hobbies, you're dedicating more time to yourself and hence you're discovering something new about your persona. you may also be cutting off a toxic relationship with a friend or even with a partner, it's a very intense change but that is necessary for your growth. the moon is also conjunct your natal neptune, so I'd suggest you to pay attention to your dreams and to your intuition, as they could be trying to communicate you something.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

the best way for you to manifest is idealizing and acting at the same time. you have both energies combined in your chart, which is great actually! I’d suggest you to first picture what you want in your life, and then do something concrete to manifest it. for example, let’s suppose you want this gucci bag; first, think about it deeply. then, you could try going into a gucci shop and just walk around, maybe even touch that bag. you’ll get results if you believe it! it’s also great to write and read/listen your own positive affirmations, such as 'I love my gucci bag’, 'the gucci bag my mom gave me is amazing’ and so on.

this is it!! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

- libramc xx

#astrology

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portraitdelajeunefilleenfeu · 4 years

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my friend @hedawolf wrote a review of ‘ammonite’ for lesbiapart. and i love it, so i’m sharing it with you.

London Film Festival - AMMONITE

Paleontology is a fascinating science. Looking at it in a poetic way, it is about chipping away at the coarse surface of the most unremarkable stones to reveal the treasures hiding underneath that cold crust. When Ammonite’s heroine Mary Anning (Kate Winslet) first appears on screen, trudging along on a windy beach and excavating massive rocks from a pile of mud with her bare hands, the metaphor being established becomes immediately clear. It’s unfortunate, then, that the film never quite manages to let the romance at its core—what should be its pulsating heart—break free from its cold shell.

Francis Lee’s sophomore feature tells a fictionalized account of real-life Mary Anning, a 19th century paleontologist who spends her days collecting and studying fossils on the shores of Lyme Regis, only for her name and efforts to be erased in the all-male British science circles. It’s a solitary existence, one she shares only with her mother (Gemma Jones), but in which Mary seems to be at her most comfortable. It all changes with the arrival of Roderick Murchison (James McArdle), a fellow scientist who wishes to follow Mary along and learn from her work. He is accompanied on his journey by his wife Charlotte (Saoirse Ronan), a fragile, silent figure who, according to Roderick, has been taken over by a “melancholia” that has driven a wedge between them. Charlotte’s sorrow runs much deeper than what her husband cares to acknowledge, and after deeming her unfit to travel, he decides to leave her in Mary’s care, hoping that physical activity and sea air will give him his “bright, funny, clever wife” back. The hardened paleontologist has no interest in coddling Charlotte and the two women’s relationship starts out colder and rougher than the wind battering the shore. However, after Charlotte’s health worsens, Mary finds herself taking care of her and slowly develops a fondness and fascination for the younger girl. In return, Charlotte starts taking interest not only in Mary’s work but in her as a person, too. Their connection builds slowly, across silent gazes and hesitant touches, and eventually something unlocks within them and they cannot help but pour onto each other all the feelings they had repressed for so long.

That Ammonite isn’t as passionate as its premise makes it out to be isn’t necessarily an issue. There is plenty to appreciate in the muted tenderness that marks the building steps of Mary and Charlotte’s relationship, which feels so realistic mainly due to the strength of Winslet and Ronan’s acting; Winslet in particular is incredible in the role. Without uttering a word, she succeeds at conveying the inhibited turmoil of emotions that simmers under Mary’s carapace, and the way she physically reacts to Charlotte touching her for the first time results possibly more heartfelt and erotic than the prolonged sex scene that plays out later on. The problem is that what should be the central dynamic of the film, the love story between Mary and Charlotte, hardly feels central at all. The focus is tightly locked on Mary, on her daily life, the grittiness of her work, the tension between her uncompromising exterior, and her hidden fragility. This makes for the best and most compelling part of Lee’s film, which is aided by a stunning cinematography that complements the tactile nature of Mary’s work and makes the film feel layered and textured through the screen. However, the same care isn’t put in crafting the bond between the two women, and this leaves the narrative feeling unbalanced at the expense of the romance that should be the story’s emotional fuel. What is also misguided is that so much of the movie’s marketing seems to revolve around the talked-about sex scene. While never objectifying despite how explicit it is, it drags along after a point and implements certain choices that seem to want to scream “passion,” but ultimately end up having a distancing effect. It’s also a scene that isn’t all that central to the narrative. Both Winslet and Ronan do incredibly interesting work and it’s a shame to see the more nuanced parts of their performances go understated in favor of discussing the logistics of straight women acting out a lesbian sex scene.

There also seems to be a desire on Lee’s part to move away from the more clichéd elements that often mark narratives of homosexuality in period dramas, like the rejection of feelings considered wrong for the time, the fear of being discovered, or the eventual tragic ending. However, for every stereotype the film tries to defy, others are reinforced, namely in the depiction of femininity and the lack of subtlety with which the patriarchal constraints of the Victorian society are hammered home, and the final result ends up being probably more conventional than what it was aiming for. Ammonite is well intended. It works best in its quiet moments of character exploration, and Winslet’s performance is deserving of all the praise received so far. It is still an impressive second feature, delicate and finely crafted. Its biggest flaw though, with a couple exceptions, is that it doesn’t move the heart.

anyway, if you liked this, and/or you like @hedawolf’s fanfic and her writing, in general, go tell her, ok?

#hedawolf #ammonite #kate winslet #saoirse ronan #film review

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mrlnsfrt · 4 years

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What To Do With Doubt

Here is a thought-provoking quote,

God never asks us to believe, without giving sufficient evidence upon which to base our faith. His existence, His character, the truthfulness of His word, are all established by testimony that appeals to our reason; and this testimony is abundant. Yet God has never removed the possibility of doubt. Our faith must rest upon evidence, not demonstration. Those who wish to doubt will have opportunity; while those who really desire to know the truth will find plenty of evidence on which to rest their faith. - Steps to Christ p105 (bold mine)

When thinking about God I think of the words of Zophar to Job

“Can you search out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than heaven—what can you do? Deeper than Sheol—what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth And broader than the sea. - Job 11:7-9 NKJV

It would be arrogant of anyone to claim to fully grasp God.

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!

“For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has become His counselor?” “Or who has first given to Him And it shall be repaid to him?”

For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen. - Romans 11:33-36 NKJV

Just because we will never be able to fully grasp who God is it does not mean that we cannot know anything about God.

Clouds and darkness surround Him; Righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. - Psalm 97:2 NKJV

God has revealed to us as much of His purposes as it is for our good to know; and beyond this, we must trust His omnipotent hand and His loving heart. This should not surprise us since in the natural world we are constantly surrounded by mysteries that we cannot fully understand. The tiniest and simplest living organisms present problems that the most capable biologists are powerless to fully explain. Everywhere are wonders beyond our understanding. Therefore, we should not be surprised to find that in the spiritual world there are also mysteries that we cannot fathom. The difficulty lies entirely in the weakness and narrowness of the human mind. In the Bible, God gives us sufficient evidence of their divine character, and we should not doubt His word because we cannot understand all the mysteries of His providence.

I recognize that there is much I don’t understand in Math, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, etc. yet I do not reject these areas of science. I simply humbly accept that I have much to learn. And this brings us to my next point. It is exactly this mystery and greatness of the themes presented in the Bible that should inspire our faith in its supernatural origins. After all, if we could fully understand everything in the Bible would it not mean it was created by finite humans? We should not be surprised when we are humbled by our study of God’s word.

Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said:

“Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” - Hebrews 3:12-15 NKJV

As we study the Bible we must do so with a humble heart, otherwise, we may end up rejecting God. Some mysteries belong to God, but He has also revealed to us what we need to know in the Bible.

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law. - Deuteronomy 29:29 NKJV

God does not call us to blind faith or to be intellectually lazy. I know the following is a long quote but read this paragraph carefully.

God desires man to exercise his reasoning powers; and the study of the Bible will strengthen and elevate the mind as no other study can. Yet we are to beware of deifying reason, which is subject to the weakness and infirmity of humanity. If we would not have the Scriptures clouded to our understanding, so that the plainest truths shall not be comprehended, we must have the simplicity and faith of a little child, ready to learn, and beseeching the aid of the Holy Spirit. A sense of the power and wisdom of God, and of our inability to comprehend His greatness, should inspire us with humility, and we should open His word, as we would enter His presence, with holy awe. When we come to the Bible, reason must acknowledge an authority superior to itself, and heart and intellect must bow to the great I AM. - Steps to Christ p109

There must be a balance when approaching God and the Bible. Every time we read the Bible we have an opportunity to develop not only our faith but also our intellect, but for this to take place, we must have the proper balance between a deep desire to learn and understand God while also recognizing that we must humbly approach God. If we approach the Bible carelessly we can end up doing more harm than good. If we are not prayerful and our thoughts and affections are not fixed on God our mind will become clouded and doubts will creep in.

If we want to discover the truth, we must seek it earnestly. If we want to discover deeper truths about God, we must also be willing to live out those truths. Why would God reveal more truths to us when we are rejecting plain truths He has already revealed to us?

If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority.- John 7:17 NKJV

Jesus taught that to know concerning the doctrine a desire to do the will of God was required.

Sadly, too often, the true cause of skepticism is the love of sin. We don’t really want to know the will of God, especially when it goes against what we want to do. So the heart of the matter is not that the Bible is incomprehensible, but rather that we do not desire to give up our desires, we do not wish to fully surrender to God.

Reading the Bible is not easy. There will always be mysteries and topics that demand deeper study. The Bible often judges me and causes me to humble myself, confess my sins, and repent. The Bible reveals to me how selfish my heart is. But the Bible also points to God and in Jesus, I find hope and the answer to all my problems.

Don’t take my word for it. Study the Bible for yourself!

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! - Psalm 34:8 NKJV

Taste and see, is an invitation, don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself!

Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. - John 16:24 NKJV

Seek God, ask for His guidance. God is interested in revealing Himself to you.

We no longer have to remain in ignorance!

He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. - Colossians 1:13-14 NKJV

So when it is all said and done, why do I study the Bible? Why do I believe the Bible?

Because I have found the Bible to be the voice of God to my soul.

This is my personal experience, but it can be yours too. Like Paul, I wish to encourage you to grow in your knowledge of Jesus.

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. - 2 Peter 3:18 NKJV

Consider the following quote,

When the people of God are growing in grace, they will be constantly obtaining a clearer understanding of His word. They will discern new light and beauty in its sacred truths. This has been true in the history of the church in all ages, and thus it will continue to the end. - Steps to Christ p112

But the path of the just is like the shining sun, That shines ever brighter unto the perfect day. - Proverbs 4:18 NKJV

#Steps to Christ #doubt #faith

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basicsofislam · 5 years

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ISLAM 101: Muslim Culture and Character: Reflections (Tafakkur): Part 2

ABUSE OF RELIGION AND RELIGIOUS SENTIMENTS

The quest for truth has two principal branches which, if the quest is motivated by a sincere love of the truth-seeker, are radically joined – that is, they have fundamentally the same root and goal even though the branches diverge. The two branches are the seeking represented by religion and the seeking represented by science. The effort of the quest is aimed at discovering the relation between existence and human consciousness and perceptive powers within that existence. But the effort is also directed at what it (the effort) is for, and what attitude is to be taken to the knowledge we are given or obtain. This means that purpose and moral judgments enter the quest for truth and shape and color its achievements.

Now some people pretend that the science of nature is neutral about such matters. They are wrong to do so. In fact, though an individual working at some particular problem may believe him or herself to be applying neutral, objective procedures, that person’s work nevertheless entails sharing in all the structures of thought, the assumptions, and purposes, which are a part of the culture of science as a whole in any particular epoch. That culture is not independent of questions of purpose and meaning: it is simply that such questions are not the immediate objective or concern of the individual scientist, and, for that reason, they remain implicit in the work being done. They become explicit in human attitudes (personal and societal) and in the technology that funds and (by its success) justify the quest for scientific knowledge.

True science and true religion should be, as it were, fellow-travelers in that both passionately oppose superstition and falsehood; and, in any case, both have the same right of appeal to reasoned argument and to experience. Religion is the older quest in two important respects: first, in that it teaches and inspires love of truth for its own sake (that love is not and cannot be generated by science itself, though it motivates the best science); and, second, in that it upholds the Authority which gives to human reason its conditional authority – the Revelation of Gods Will to His Messengers, most comprehensively, reliably and finally in the Qur’an and in the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace.

Religion has a moral and philosophical, as well as a historical, priority. Denial of that priority in human life robs it of its most vital element, its deepest dynamic, and it deprives the science of nobility of purpose. A scientific endeavor which does not aim to understand existence, which does not depend on the love for and zeal to know the truth, is liable to blindness and falling into contradictions. Perhaps without knowing it, but (surely) sometimes also knowingly, science becomes captive to ideological and doctrinal preconceptions, cultural prejudices, to the pursuit of power (instead of knowledge and understanding). When that happens, the inquirer’s way to truth is blocked up, and the endeavor of science as a whole does not yield understanding or improvement in either physical or human nature but leads to the opposite, the ruin and degradation of both.

The priority of the religious quest for truth over the scientific quest for truth does not mean that it is exempt from falling into error and wrongdoing. Rather, it is the reason for even greater vigilance to maintain the soundness of beliefs and principles, the purity of intention and practice. Just as science can be rash and intolerant in attitude towards that which it regards as outside its culture, and so fail its vocation to seek the truth, so too religion can be abused and turned from a quest for pure, heavenly truth into a means for hatred, rancor, and vindictiveness. A dogmatic and narrow-minded scientific community, enslaved to certain philosophical or ideological prejudices, can become more fanatical and dangerous in its consequences than ignorance. So too can a religious community when it reduces religion to a device to serve certain political interests or worldly advantages. Religion then ceases to be a heavenly inspiration for thought and conduct and becomes instead an assemblage of meaningless ceremonies and a worldly ideology.

Institutions where sciences are taught and scientific studies are conducted are to be esteemed as highly as places of worship. However, the institutions where sciences are used to promote certain ideological biases or impose certain concepts to obtain material advantages, no longer deserve respect, as they are structures where selfish, ignoble desires and passions are nurtured. Likewise, if religion and religious sentiments are exploited to promote political ambitions and to divide people into factions, and if religion is taken as a rigid ideology giving rise to polarization and disruptions among people, then religion is no longer a means serving to lead people to God; rather, it is an obstacle before the true religion of God, an obstacle made up of fanaticism, enmity, hatred, and belligerence.

However he may outwardly appear, a man unconscious of the true nature of belief and deprived of knowledge and love of God, who cannot measure the principles of religion in the scales of the religion itself, who does not give priority to that to which God gives priority, is disrespectful of the heavenly and universal identity of religion and has no right to claim to be truly religious. What is most opposed to both religion and science is that selfish desires and fancies are presented in the guise of objective knowledge and religious sentiments. This is a weakness in human nature leads people to ostentation and worldly expectations. People tend to sublimate their defects and shortcomings and science and religion are two important devices they use to this end.

The most effective weapon of conscience against such a tendency is the love of truth; if there is an elixir to dissolve from minds the ‘scientific’ dross and remove from hearts the tendency to false show of religious devotion, it is love of the Creator and love of truth and the love of His creation arising therefrom. If hearts are ardent with love and spirits with yearning, it is possible to mend moral defects and elevate human beings to true humanity.

The world of mankind recognized the love of truth through the Prophets, and it is this love which leads people to love of God and to build healthy relations with existence. From the very beginning, all Prophets guided their followers to that love and based their relations with their people on that love. It was only when absorbed in love of God that men have been able to find their true identity and value. The Prophet Jesus (upon him be peace), composed a poem of life based on the love of man and fulfilled his mission by conveying it to others. The Prophet Muhammad, (upon him be peace), honored the world as, in the words of a classical Turkish poet, ‘the commander of the army of lovers’ and expressed love throughout his life.

When the love of God became in him irresistible, he went on to the other world. The Qur’an, when recited with conviction and concentration, will be understood as a declaration of love, in addition to the charm of its music and phrasing. Love of truth, love of science, the urge to research, the call to reason and to exercise self-control – these are the points which the Qur’an reiterates and about which it warns people. They are like mines in which a careful, believing reciter of the Qur’an can find new, different jewels every time he seeks.

How unfortunate it is that, despite its wealth of power to heal all our wounds, to end all our centuries-old pains and cure our diseases, this precious Book has long been approached with superficial attitudes and disagreeable intentions and used by many capricious persons, desirous of the world and in pursuit of self- interests, as a device to always accuse others and acquit and absolve themselves, and exploited as an excuse for the hatred, belligerence and impudence originating in their own dark souls. This is why much seeking truth and the true path come to it with suspicion and doubt. Approaching people with anger and feelings of enmity and vengeance in the name of the Qur’an, and confusing communicating its message with looking for ways to satisfy certain political or worldly ambitions disguised under religious aims results in imitating others in atrocities and wrongdoing. It should be understood that Islam is neither an ideology nor merely a political, economic and social system, nor is the Qur’an a book calling its followers to kindle fires of war and enmity among people.

The Qur’an came down to the world with a balance. It seeks to establish a perfect balance – the balance observed in the whole of the universe which the Qur’an orders us not to destroy – in the relations of an individual with other individuals, with his family, his community and with the whole of existence. The Qur’an aims to establish peace and harmony. So, it ought never to be used to cause disruptions and mischief among people and it by no means sanctions or allows putting pressure on consciences and minds. Rather, it seeks to remove pressure from consciences and minds so that people may find the truth.

Those who set their hearts upon the lofty ideals established by the Qur’an continue to live until eternity and have an honored place in the hearts of others, similarly inspired. But those who exploit those ideals in pursuit of their debased ambitions remain as chained slaves of their desires and fancies. Their lives are spent in humiliation and end in doom.

A true, sincere student of the Qur’an aims to convey others to eternity. While he is constantly advancing to his destination along his own way, those drowned in their wrong suppositions and ambitions regard him as mad and see him as misguided.

The aim of a sincere student of the Qur’an is like a catapult throwing him directly into the world of pure spirituality beyond this base world tainted with selfish interests and mean aspirations, or it is like a rocket put in orbit around the truth. Religion is the pure source feeding him and the Prophet is the one who offers it. Those who cannot approach this blessed source through the gate of the Prophet, those who cannot dive deep in this source after the guidance of the Prophet with the necessary equipment to find the gems of truth required in this age, will not succeed in presenting as religion the ideas originating in their dark minds and souls, nor succeed in disguising their fancies and desires as religious ideas.

The Qur’an is a resource of infinite depth; whoever dives in it with a sincere intention to satisfy his needs of every kind – spiritual, intellectual, social, etc.- will find the cure he seeks. The deeper one grows in understanding and knowledge, the more one will find the Qur’an, like a rainbow, far above one’s level, impossible to reach. The following religion means being able to see the light of the Qur’an and the Prophetic way of life reflected through the prism of one’s time, place and conditions and being illumined by it.

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leswansong · 5 years

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Chapter Fourteen - Adrinette April - Notes for You

Day 14 - The Valentine

Read it on A03? –> [ Click Here ]

AN: All links to poems can be found at the end

February 1st, the start of a new month and the last of winter, the snow had melted away living any trace of the white Christmas she experienced at the start of the winter months.

She stepped out of the warm bakery, her home into the cold morning air, she couldn’t wait until spring when the morning air warmed up enough to where she didn’t have to be bundled up in a million layers just to head to her high school that sat just across the street, she tugged at her pastel pink scarf wrapping it tighter around her neck trying to keep the morning frost at bay, her feet stomped heavily up the concrete steps towards the large green wooden gate, she could still smell the fresh bread pouring out of the smokestacks of the bakery as she got further into the school, then again she could always smell home reminding her that it was never was far away.

The courtyard was crowded with other students, it was suffocating, she never really liked crowds it was a fear she developed at a young age when she lost her Parents at Mall during Christmas, it had left her scared for a significantly long time terrified to step out into public area’s in case it happened again. She bobbed and weaved around the courtyard heading towards the locker room, she needed to grab a few books before class, she hoped Alya was already waiting for her, the two had some homework to go over before their morning classes began, Marinette had been silly had left it to the last minute for the 800th time.

The locker room was practically empty, only a handful of students remained, she quickly pushed aside her fears and went to her locker, her mind was elsewhere and didn’t register the white envelope sitting neatly on the top shelf, it was only when she needed to grab her Science book and accidentally knocked it off. She placed her books down and gently picked it off the floor, reading her name written carefully on the envelope, she gently opened it, a single white card sat inside, there was no fancy design on the front so it wasn’t store bought, it was just… white. She opened it reading and rereading the words written on the card stock, the words had been written in the most careful handwriting as if the author had spent hours beforehand practising making sure not a letter was out of place.

I can’t say I love you. But it’s hidden deep inside of me.

I can’t say I need you. But it hurts every time you leave me.

I wish that I could express what really is true.

More and more I find myself hiding the way I feel for you.

A thousand words cannot be written in a single card so 13 more shall follow leading to one special day…

- Your secret Valentine

A poem, predictable but it was cute, she placed the card back in the envelope and picked up her books, she needed to speak to Alya. She tripped up the stairs several times trying to get to class before the bell, she had a good thing going for the past week and a half, she had been on time for almost all of her classes and she was cutting it close, the letter had thrown her timing off, she barreled into the classroom meer seconds before the bell.

“And she’s safe!” Alya cheered as Marinette made her way over to her old seat.

“Sorry Nino, I need my old spot back for this morning, you can have Adrien for this morning, Thanks!”

Nino barely had time to protest when Marinette sat down in the wooden seat, he let out a sigh and reluctantly sat down in her seat, grumbling something beyond her hearing.

“What's this about?” Alya whispered, careful not to tip Miss Bustier off to their conversation.

Marinette opened her French Literature book sliding Alya the Envelope.

“Read,” she whispered back.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as her friend opened the card, silently reading the words on the page.

“Secret Admirer?”

“Seems like it…”

“We are so finding out who they are.”

“There are over 100 people in this school.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.”

“It will take forever to find out who.”

“Luckily your admirer is planing 13 more notes.”

Marinette didn’t know how to respond so she stayed silent focused on the chalkboard.

——====+====——

“He likes you…”

“What?”

“He likes you.” Kagami said again in a much clearer voice, “You didn’t know?”

Marinette stared back at Him then at the anonymous Valentine’s letter in her hands, Marinette had suspected that the letter had been written by someone she knew but she never suspected it was Adrien, she opened it rereading the words carefully written on the page.

The words had been committed to her memory, they weren’t originally a quick google search proved that but it didn’t demean the emotions they were trying to convey. She studied the cursive handwriting, it didn’t seem like Adrien’s, his was messy so he could get his idea’s and thoughts out quickly and he normally didn’t write in cursive but that didn’t mean he didn’t write it, she wasn’t a handwriting expert its just she had never seen it so… neat and she couldn’t get past it.

“He mentioned liking someone,” Kagami continued, “I didn’t think… I thought he was just saying it to be kind, It didn’t cross my mind that he was being honest.”

Marinette looked up over to her, a single tear slowly fell down her cheek before a determined look spread across her face.

“Why does he like you?”

“I… I…”

“What makes you better?” Kagami was almost yelling, “Why does he find you more interesting more than me.”

“I… I don’t know. I really don’t know…”

“He’ll be mine…” Kagami angrily muttered before storming off.

Marinette stood in place still in shock at the outburst. Her eyes stayed focus on the door Kagami had left through, her mind replaying everything she had said.

“Marinette?”

She looked up at him, his face was full of concern, “Adrien…”

“Are you okay? Kagami she seemed-“

“Angry?”

“Yeah,” he motioned to sit down next to her, Marinette nodded her head, “Did you want to talk about it?”

“You probably should ask her,” she snapped back.

“I…”

“It’s okay, just a little in shock at her outburst, sorry.”

“What was it about?”

“This silly little card,” she said trying to downplay it, “she thought you wrote it but stormed off before I could tell her that it didn’t match your handwriting.”

She watched his face, watching for something to tell her she was right and Kagami was wrong, but it gave nothing away as he looked down at the card.

“May I?” he asked reaching for the card.

She shrugged, “Sure,” and handed the small white rectangle card over to him.

He carefully inspected the letter, he mouthed the words as he read, she was now pretty sure he wasn’t the one who placed it in her locker that morning.

“Hmm… I don’t know, Good luck trying to find out who,” he handed her back the card.

——====+====——

Saturday and Sunday weekends, her favourite days of the week, days to relax, to design and to spend time with her parents. She was a little surprised not to see two cardboard letters show up on her doorstep, she was disheartened, she was actually looking forward to the little notes with the silly little poems so when Sunday came to an end she reluctantly sent Alya a text.

-_-_-_-

A+ Blogger

No sign of Secret

Maybe he’s given up

That sucks

I was rooting for him

you seem to have miss placed your trust Al

he was probably just going to lead me on…

bet he didn’t think 13 days in advance

-_-_-_-

Marinette slowly walked into school heading towards her locker to dump her extra layers and spare books, lunch was a boring affair she was about ready to turn and walk back home, her locker door squeaked as she opened it, her eyes fell upon a single white envelope, maybe she was wrong maybe this guy was more determined than she thought, she inspected the envelope again, her name neatly written on the front again it was slightly different, handwritten. She opened it, the same rectangular letter, but different words. She read them again, the words singsonged in her head, she knew what was happening, she was falling but she couldn’t be, she loved Chat, how could she fall for random letters on rectangular pieces of paper.

You have come into my life

And it changed with a blink of an eye

You have blown the roof

To let me see the blue sky.

I can praise you for a whole day

But my love for you so great

That I need many days to say.

You could be the one,

the one I’ll stay with till I die.

You are the greatest in every way,

and I’m not telling a lie.

Out of every person in the world,

you are the best.

In every location on the planet,

from the North East South and West.

You are so beautiful,

even from afar,

please stay the same,

you’re perfect just the way you are.

I love your laugh and your smile.

While your voice is all I ask for,

It can make me so happy to hear.

You’re simply everything I adore.

There’s nothing I would change.

You’re just perfect for me too.

I do not see any flaws.

There’s nothing left for me to do.

Three poems for you to make up for the weekend

-Your Secret Valentine

She slowly pushed the paper back in the white envelope and let out a sigh, she needed to get her thoughts together and school was most defiantly not the place for that she turned to leave but collided with a body.

“Oh no, I’m… So sorry,” she fell to her knees to pick up the books they had dropped.

“Marinette it’s fine.”

She looked up and a wave of relief washed over her, “Adrien… I didn’t realise it was you, sorry, I should have been looking.”

“It's okay I’m used to you crashing into my life.”

“Very funny, I… I have to go.”

“But class,” he protested.

“I… I just need to go.”

She waved goodbye and headed to the nearest secluded area to transform, the red spotted suit was covering her body in seconds, she leapt onto the nearest rooftop and ran, she tried to stick to shadows, she didn’t want to cause panic among the streets below. Her mind ran over the words on the paper again and then over everything she loved about her partner, she had plans for valentines day, but the small voice in her head asked her if she was going to follow through with it if she was brave enough to tell him how she felt. The person, her secret admirer was telling her even if… she laughed, he was braver than she was, she was pretty sure it was a boy but to be honest she wasn’t sure. Their words rang in her head, "I can’t say I love you. But it’s hidden deep inside of me,” the words that had started her down this rocky path, who were they and how had they managed such an impossible feat in such a small about of time with such little effort, many had tried before, the simple little Valentine’s card, she had had several appear in her locker over the years, each with their own cheesy pickup line or poem, none of them were original and usually gave themselves away in a matter of hours, this one… puzzled her. They were playing it close to their chest not letting anything away.

Wooing her, this was stage one of his plan, then… then slowly tell her about himself, and by the end she would have 14 letters, 14 letters that would tell her exactly how he felt, she had almost caught him on day one, he panicked, he was afraid to admit it so he had hidden for two days unsure of his plans, missing some important steps in his plans but he could quickly adjust, it was easy to make it seem like it was actually part of the plan it just meant some things had to be shifted around.

Kagami had thrown him for a loop, he hadn’t known she had felt that way about him, keeping it hidden just like Chloe. Marinette had blinded him to the other girls around him, he failed to noticed blushed kissed checks thinking that it was just the makeup or the instructor pushing them a little too far never that they liked him more than a friend, he felt horrible… Kagami was a friend, a good one at that, although he didn’t really know much about her, she was good at fencing, she had a lot of pressure from her family to succeed, he knew little about her family, only having met her mother briefly. Maybe it was the rose he gave her a while ago when he had felt lost and confused around Marinette.

And here he was again circling back around to Marinette. He was saddened that he wasn’t a poet using others to author his feelings towards her, it felt like a cop out, that he wasn’t being 100% honest but he and Plagg agreed that the horrible attempts of original poetry that now sat hidden among his other books upstairs should remain confined to the pages they had first been written on and he should never try poetry again, Plagg had made it clear that if he had to read another word of Adrien’s failed attempts that the small Kwami wouldn’t hesitate to destroy half of Paris. Adrien had saved pages upon pages of other poets works, it was hard to narrow them down into 14 letters, they all said what he wanted to tell her, he tried to avoid the longer ones, his calligraphy practice wouldn’t hold out for that long, his fingers hurt only after a few words but it was all worth it for her, his sweet Marinette. He stared back at the slowly flowering Rose, the florist had assured him it would bloom on Valentine’s day, it wasn’t a red rose but a delicate pink, the colour had caught his eye when he passed it on the street, it now sat among two other roses, red and white, love and purity, they were in bloom and would reach full in a few days. A poem had caught his eye, it had led him to buy them adding them into his ever-growing plan, he couldn’t help but wonder over to them breathing in their sweet scent, he had forgotten how many times he had done so. He stared back at the slowly flowering Rose, the florist had assured him it would bloom on Valentine’s day, it wasn’t a red rose nor a pink, the colour had caught his eye when he passed it on the street, it sat among two other roses, red and pink, love and friendship, they were in bloom and would reach full in a few days. A poem had caught his eye, it had led him to buy them adding them into his ever-growing plan, he couldn’t help but wonder over to them breathing in their sweet scent, he had forgotten how many times he had done so.

He returned back to his computer with a heavy heart, he needed to narrow down what poem he was going to use for tomorrow.

There it sat, her white envelope waiting to be opened, she almost tore it out of the envelope.

If I Thought

If I thought for just one moment that this would be my last breath,

I'd tell you I'll love you forever, even beyond death.

If I thought for just one moment that your face would be the last I'd see,

I'd take a million pictures and save them just for me.

If I thought for just one moment that your voice would be the last I'd hear,

I'd listen attentively and promise not to shed a tear.

If I thought for just one moment that your touch would be the last I'd feel,

I'd embrace you and know that this has all been real.

If I thought for just one moment that my heart would beat its last beat,

I'd thank the Lord for allowing us to meet

-Dana Schwartz

You’ve probably figured that the words I use aren’t my own, I tried to write an original for you but it couldn’t compare

-Your Secret Valentine

She pressed her back on the locker next to her's as she read.

“Lover boy’s still keeping the charade?” Alya asked.

Marinette nodded her head as she continued to read.

“So you’re really going to get 14 of these?”

“I guess so…”

“Let me see.”

Marinette handed her the rectangle card.

“Loverboy has it bad.”

There was no denying it the boy really did have it bad, Marinette almost felt sorry about being in love with Chat, and even more so as she returned to her locker each day to find a new letter within, Alya had lamented to her that her investigation into the boy had dried up with absolutely no information to aid her, but still the small white envelopes came, sometimes they would be there in the morning waiting for her before class, somedays it would show up after lunch others she would have to wait until the end of the day to read. The 14th was approaching quick it was 4 days away, Marinette had 10 envelopes safely tucked away in her diary at home and she was patiently waiting for number 11 to join them, she opened her locker and spied it sitting neatly in her messy locker, it was the first thing she grabbed not caring about the books she would need for class and opened it.

I have heard your request but that comes at a cost: losing one poem that I had reserved for you…

‘His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,

His hair is as dark as a blackboard.

I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,

The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.’

-Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

This poem tells you two things about me but can you guess what?

-Your secret Valentine

Her eyes grew wide as she raced off to find Alya, calling her name in the bricked hallways.

“Alya!”

“Woah, calm down.”

Marinette pushed the card into her best friends hand.

“Read,” she commanded and her friend obliged.

“Well, this most certainly helps… How many days-“

“4, you have 4.”

“That's all the time I need,” Alya replied snapping a photo of the card before handing it back to Marinette.

Her best friend had purposely left her out on her plans to find who was leaving the cards as to not ruin the fun for her, Marinette didn’t want to know who was behind the cards unless they wanted her to but it didn’t stop her curiosity, occasionally listening in to some of Alya’s theories none of them helped much as she seemed to throw things at the wall to see if they would stick. Marinette didn’t have to commit this poem to memory, she had loved the Harry Potter books when she was younger, Ginny had written it about Harry however there was still the question of why this was today's poem, "This poem tells you two things about me but can you guess what?” Two things, it wouldn’t be the simple Black hair and Green eyes, although one of the features could be, but the second… She highly doubted it was the divine part everything so far had indicated that he wasn’t narcissistic and the last line was completely out of the question, so that left the ones above, just two little lines that gave almost nothing away.

The puzzle had stuck with her all day she stared down at the card exhaustedly, theories had come and all had been debunked, her copy of chamber of secrets sat on her desk, the poem was on page 178 but the number had no meaning behind it, she let out a frustrated groan and hit her head against her desk.

“Maybe you’re looking too far into it Marinette,” The Red Kwami softly offered.

“So he’s trying to tell me he likes Harry Potter, everyone likes Harry Potter,” she responded bluntly.

“And quite a lot of people have black hair or green eyes, he didn’t say anything about it being groundbreaking,” Tikki snapped back sarcastically.

“Sorry Tikki…”

“I understand. Are you going to do anything for Chat on Valentine's day?” She asked changing the subject.

“Maybe, I’m… Still a little unsure Tikki.”

“Just follow your heart it’ll lead you down the right path.”

She smiled at her Kwami, “Thank you Tikki. You always know what to say,"

To Be continued tomorrow

If I Thought - [ x ] Other Poems - [ x ]

<—Previous Drabble Master List Next—>

#adrien agreste #Adrinette April #marinette dupain cheng #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Miraculous #Notes for You #SwanSongWrites #I keep drabbling on

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wisdomrays · 5 years

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People of Action and Scholarly Ones

QUESTION: What are the lessons today’s believers should draw from the following Divine message:

“Believers should not go forth to war all together. But why should not a party from every community of them mobilize to acquire profound, correct knowledge and understanding of the Religion, and warn their people when they return to them so that they may beware (of wrongful attitudes)” (at-Tawbah 9:122).

ANSWER: God Almighty first reveals that it is not correct for all believers to simultaneously go on a military campaign and take part in war. Then He states that a party should stay behind to gain insight into the spirit of religion and that when their people come back from different fronts, these learned ones should guide them with fair exhortation, feed them with religious knowledge, and teach them what they should know; this is because those people who engaged with the enemy during warfare may have failed to receive the religious education they need.

State of the learned ones and success

In the early period of Islam, since believers told people the truth, and represented and expressed justice, they faced attacks by the antagonists of religion. In such a situation, believers could not say to the enemies coming to exterminate them, “Come on, let us sit in the mosque and discuss first.” Even if they did, those enemies, who were fixed on grudge and destruction, would have tried to demolish that mosque and bury the believers therein. In order to stand against such demolition, they fought to protect their chastity, honor, religion, home, and flag.

After the demise of the noble Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and during the time of the Rightly Guided Caliphs, may God be pleased with them, similar problems emerged and Muslims had to engage with enemies in different places. During the time of Caliph Abu Bakr they had to fight on eight different fronts in order to repress the cases of apostasy in different tribes. Besides, the Sassanid and Roman empires, which were the super powers of the time, also had their eyes on Muslims. Since they accosted Muslims at every opportunity, Muslims had to fight defensive wars against them in different parts of the world.

In such a situation, had everyone attended war without any exception, there would have been a serious gap in terms of religious education. In the verse mentioned above, God Almighty commands that a group of people should stay behind for scholarly purposes in order to compensate for the lack of knowledge in those who return from war. Thus He pointed out that Muslims must definitely retain their learned state and attain the horizons necessitated by the conditions of their era. If believer fail to attain such a state and horizons, it is not possible to stand against attacks on different fronts anyway.

Cultural envoys

As for the conditions of our era, when knowledge and power of discourse came to the fore, continuing to exist as ourselves will be possible by means of the power of knowledge, pen, and discourse. Therefore, the devoted souls who are the cultural envoys in our time should take their values to different parts of the world—not with weapons and brutal force, but with knowledge, wisdom, love, tolerance, and goodness. The way of peace and love opens the way that leads to hearts, whereas brutal force causes grudge and hatred to rise from the dead. For this reason, unless you remain under invasion and have no any other way but to fight, no solution should by sought through force. As for the issue of using force, it should be evaluated within a perspective of defense or eliminating an inescapable danger.

It is for this reason that the most important duty to be fulfilled with respect to Islam and humanity is going to the four corners of the world, taking our cultural values there, and in the meantime benefitting from different patterns and colors wherever we are, as far as they do not contradict our essential teachings. By coming into contact with different people in the places they go, the devoted souls will both serve as honorary representatives of our cultural values, and they will receive the beautiful sides of those cultures and present them to their own people. However, as they will be predominantly busy with their pursuits of peaceful action, they may not be sufficiently nourished in terms of knowledge and spirituality. Then, it is necessary to edify individuals well-versed in the values of our spiritual heritage, who know our essential sources better, and thus who will help those in the field of peaceful action be nourished as is necessary. Those who undertake the responsibility to deepen in correct and profound knowledge and comprehension of Islam should constantly flow like a pure freshwater spring, nourishing the altruistic souls running in the field, who should in return take what they will from that source and complete their scholarly equipment.

Scholarly ones open to both physical and spiritual disciplines

By referring to acquiring “profound, correct knowledge and understanding of the Religion,” the verse points to the fact that those who stay behind need to be equipped with knowledge pertaining to faith, Islam, and to ihsan, or perfect goodness. Together with that, the sound functioning of these values, their easily being welcome by a society (perhaps of a very different cultural background), and their being liked and valued, depends on correct discernment of non-religious realities and rules as well. Therefore, besides religion, it bears much importance to master the natural sciences, which constitute the basis for most modern sciences. It is important to carry out research in this respect, and behold appreciatively the creation displayed in nature.

While learning religious disciplines on the one hand, modern sciences should not be neglected either. He pointed out that a student’s endeavor would soar only when these two are found together. Excluding one of these two will mean leaving the other devoid of wings. One should neither make concessions from learning religious disciplines, which are the light of the heart, nor ignore modern sciences, which are the light of the mind, reason, and judgment.

In addition, this verse emphasizes the importance of love of knowledge and research. Therefore, one must make very serious efforts in order to master both the religious and modern sciences, and remain like a “student” until the end of their life. The Arabic word for student (talib) means “seeker” of knowledge. No matter whether a person studies religious disciplines or modern sciences, if that person is utilizing the essences distilled from those studies for the sake of knowing God and maintaining a sound balance, then that person will be treated as a true student or seeker of knowledge. So what does such a treatment mean? As the Messenger of God stated, God Almighty makes the way to Paradise easier to one who sets forth demanding to acquire knowledge.

Seeking knowledge is very important and the benefits a scholar can bring to society are great. Thus, one’s society is responsible for supporting seekers of knowledge and doing what they can for them. It is very difficult for someone dedicated to knowledge to devote time for anything else. Accordingly, some Islamic scholars stated that even if they wear expensive clothes and the threshold of their door is made of gold, it is still possible to give alms to seekers of knowledge, because the vitality of a nation depends on such mastering of knowledge. If this cannot be done, the nation will collapse and disintegrate. Due to this stagnancy, some cracks emerged in the Islamic world in the fifth century after the holy migration. With the recession in the 13th and 14th centuries, a complete break down and disintegration happened. We have not been able to straighten up since.

Dignified contentment and remaining under obligation

In response to people’s support and care, seekers of knowledge must do their best in terms of being worthy of such kindness and must not waste a second of their time. Through very serious planning, division of labor, and a discipline of mutual helping, these seekers must be completely focused on this task. They must devote all of their energy to the task so as to be deserving of the people’s regard for them—even if that means sleeping only four hours if necessary and devoting twenty hours of the day to studying. Who knows? When they study with such seriousness, maybe God Almighty will grant them in two years what another person can attain in ten years.

Incidentally, let me share how I feel about one issue: I feel heartbroken for those who go abroad for a PhD, but cannot finish that in even ten years. While the dire need of our country for qualified people is obvious, God will call them to account for wasting so much time. Time is the greatest capital for a human. If a person has taken such a path once, they should persevere, exert their brains, make use of all arguments they can make use of, benefit from all sources they can, and if possible, they should even finish their PhD before the time determined for them.

I wish to underline one more point concerning scholarly ones: Dignified contentment is a very important principle for those dedicated to scholarly pursuits, with respect to the honor of both knowledge and learned ones. Actually, the path of the Prophets is also based on this essential. In many verses of the Qur’an, it is stated that they said,

“I ask of you no wage for that (for conveying God’s Message); my wage is only due from the Lord of the worlds” (ash-Shuara 26:127).

In this respect, scholarly ones should not be obliged to anyone if possible, in any phase of their lives—neither while they are students, nor when they become teachers, or teacher of teachers…

May God forbid, if one does not have this feeling of dignified contentment, and if that person carries out certain tasks for the sake of some returns, such as becoming a manager, director general, MP, minister, or prime minister, then such a person cannot be saved from being obliged to other people. Unfortunately, the concessions they make on account of being obliged will not only cost them dearly, but cost their nation as well. In this respect, those who engage in scholarly pursuits must arrange their lives in accordance with the principle of dignified contentment. They must use the means of their fathers if they can, or they must make a modest living with their own means, if they can. They should live frugally, never becoming obliged to anyone and never having to make concessions.

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geldris · 6 years

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Happy Birthday @bertazsleepyhead ! Your friendship has been so dear to me these past few months. You are so genuinely kind, endlessly talented, and you are much sweeter than I deserve! I have such trust in you and enjoy annoying you every day! I can’t wait until we possibly meet and get European beer together, but until then, I’ve FINALLY completed something escalin! I hope it brings you a percentage of the happiness you’ve brought me by being my friend!

“Science, Magic, and Something More”

an Escalin fanfiction

”Do you have a purpose for collecting these?” Gowther ponders; his voice is monotonous and bland as always, but Merlin can swear his tone changes just a tinge with curiosity. Curiosity was the only ‘emotion’ he experiences, if it could even be called an emotion. Perhaps that’s what made them so similar.

She smirked, her lip twitching as she kept her hand steady, the thin needle she held weaving into the fabric below. “A purpose for collecting,” she peaks at what he’s referring to: an entire shelf of eyes in different shades and sizes, “eyes? Well, it could be said that most of my collections are superfluous. But I think research for the sake of research is reason enough, don’t you agree?”

His lips purse slightly as he seems to consider this. Merlin wonders if he was considering it, wonders what those churns in his head really processed. She’d love to dive in with a few tools, but even she wouldn’t dare; her companions received a restraint from her inquisitiveness that she held for no others. All she can do is attempt to keep him emotionally stable: one day, perhaps, love and heart will return to him. But not yet.

“Merlin,” his voice cuts through her thoughts, but her hands never stop. Rarely does she get distracted from her work. She hums in acknowledgment, keeping her eyes down.

“Do you think,” he poses thoughtfully, “we will ever be a full seven again?”

Her fingers slow and then pause, her eyes widening only a fraction before returning to their passive state. Yes, six of the sins they were now, and in relative peace. But that left one out there still. She kept distracted from thinking of him: for all she knew, he could be dead. But she doubted it. Though no science nor magic she’d encountered through her plentiful years had proven such a feeling so, she still suspected she’d know if something were to happen to Escanor.

“Perhaps,” she settles on, and then gets back to work. A steady hand, a needle through fabric, a magic pulsing through her veins. Work is easy. Thoughtless, sometimes. “Maybe even sooner than we suspect.”

A tilted head of pink locks eyes her curiously, “what makes you think so?”

“A feeling.”

“That’s all?”

“Sometimes, that’s all there is,” she rises from her work again, approaching the doll. She gives him a motherly grin, with just the usual hint of mischief. “Sometimes feelings are even more accurate than science or magic.”

“I’ll note that.” Gowther says, and Merlin knows he’s being quite literal. Emotions are but a study to him. If she was being honest with herself, they were foreign to her.

In the evening he heads off into the dusk and into the city. Merlin is left in her lab, surrounded by books and collections, and finds rest on her folded arms as she fades into sleep. The back of her eyelids are a shade of orange-brown she hasn’t seen in a decade. Her heart yearns for an emotion she has forgotten the name of years before: much like Gowther, she just can’t quite understand it.

— —

In the perils of war, he returns. She’d heard that he had, but had been away from the tournament, the fighting, for just a while. Now she was back. And he was back. At long last, they were seven again.

It’s four hours into the afternoon, and he is descending forms. Still, the sun is high. He is shining golden armor and steel muscle. Tall and buff but not unusually so. Confident, but with just a crack. She notes this all in bullet points in her head. Her favorite area of study: endlessly changing, unable to be understood.

He is covered in the blood of an enemy, stained in it.

“It doesn’t suit you,” she says. They’ve hardly shared multiple lines of dialogue, little introduction, only a few lines of reunion.

“What’s that?” He questions, shocked. His confidence wavers.

“Blood,” her nose wrinkles, “you’re too gentle for such a thing.”

He laughs, loud and hearty, “Merlin! We’ve long battled together. You’ve seen me like this before.”

She hums. She has. “Yes, but it’s not your preference.”

“No,” he wavers, a shake in the boisterous pride. “And honestly,” he confesses, a soft voice from a large man, “it brings me no pleasure to be at war.”

That made two of them.

“You need a bath,” she states blankly. “I have one at my lab. Come.” And she walks away before he flushes, knowing he’ll follow. She’s knows he’ll follow. It’s a reliable constant.

It’s not a long walk to her residence. It’s a silent few minutes, except for the clank of his blood stained armor.

Her residence is as always, a clutter of oddities and magic. Immediately, she turns, her hands out and demanding. “I’ll give your armor some upgrades in the meanwhile. Go wash.”

He is still blustery and embarrassed, much like his night self. He seems to defy his day and night norms when around her. She notes this all.. for science, of course.

He washes in the bathroom, and she lays his armor out on a table, fiddling and tinkering. She’d needed to custom make this set for him, so it didn’t explode or suffocate him whenever his body changed so rapidly.

She works, and he’s in a fresh set of clothes observing her books. The afternoon wears on, his muscles slowly become smaller. They are nearly the same in height. She pays this no mind: his ability is an enigma, but there is no form in which she is unsure of his company.

He’s looking through her shelves of books and she’s just come to realize she’s stopped moving, observing him.

“You don’t carry much outside of technical books,” he ponders out loud.

“Is that surprising?”

“Not exactly.”

She waits for him to go on, but he doesn’t. Nonetheless, her hands do not go back to work. It takes a minute of flipping through shelves with a careful eye. “I prefer, as you know, fantasy. Poetry, the more emotional pieces. But knowledge, well… you are of course so brilliant to have all this information stored away. Books like these are of much more use.”

“All those books and yet there’s still much even I don’t know.”

“Oh? I doubt that!” Escanor smiles. It’s partially in jest, and mostly in comforting reassurance. He always seeks to reassure her.

But why her? She knows she’s beautiful. And yet he sees beyond. Regardless of her mystery, her walls, her mischievous nature. This man, this genuinely good man, has found so much affection for her. All the books in the world and it doesn’t make sense.

What does she feel? No. She never entertains such thoughts about her emotions. She drops the question before she begins to answer it.

She stands from her seat, walking over to the shelves beside him. She pretends to glance at them thoughtfully, truly seeing nothing.

“I wish I knew what went on in your head,” he chuckles, low and soft, a huff of warm air against her cheek. “I can see the gears churning. What are you thinking?”

Her automatic response tells her to say no. Secretive, to the point. But she promised more. “If you must know—“

“And I must!”

Her lips twitch, “I was thinking about how complicated you are. I’ve mastered science and magic, and yet, around you I feel something. And no study could explain the feeling.”

He pauses, swallowing. She respects how quickly he recovers, humming. “Is that good or bad?”

“Neither. Wonderful, in a way. Frustrating to the mind that wants an explanation for all.” She turns away again, takes a seat on her chaise, leaning back against the cushions.

He sits by her feet. Still tall, at this hour. Slimming, but not at the end of the day. The dusk light still shines through the window. His hand reaches out, and she holds her breath. His fingers gently touch her hair, tucks dark strands behind her ear. There’s a tremble that could be either of them, or both.

“Poems,” he begins, “try to use words to convey the feelings that we cannot explain to ourselves.”

She hums, at peace. “And you write these poems about me.”

“Yes,”

“Are they about love?” She questions to the air, an inner thought the slips from her tongue.

He hesitates, pausing mid breath, and she realizes what she’s asked him to confess. Something they both know, and yet dared not say. Her eyes widen as she goes to pull the question back from the tense air.

“They’re all about love,” he confesses, but there is a confidence in his voice. More confident than she’s ever heard him, at this dusky hour. What a curious man, an endless enigma. Her wide eyes take him in.

“Read another to me,” a gentle command.

So he does. A poem about the colors of berries, an ode to her.

“A mystery you are,” he finishes, “the greatest sorceress in all Britannia.” And his words come to a close, his gaze on her as he waits for response.

“Perhaps we are both enigmas,” is all she states, though her tone is nearly sad. Here he is writing odes to her beauty, and here she sat knowing nothing of the heart.

Moments pass in silence. “There are feelings I don’t believe I can convey,” she pauses, “but I cannot write poems.”

“I’m sure you could!” He reassures, “your brilliant, and —“

“No,” she leans up from the lounge so they’re sitting side by side, there legs lightly touch. “You think very dearly of me,” she says, matter of fact.

“Oh, well, I-“

“Why do you think so dearly of me?” Her head tilts, and she wonders if this is how Gowther feels when he is so genuinely confused by others emotions.

His eyes widen, and he needn’t say anything at all for her to know he’s prepared an endless book, a poem that goes on, about all the reasons. The thought makes her feel something in her chest and under her skin, warm, glowing.

“I’m going to try something. It may be foolish but… I want to understand.” She needed to understand.

“I can’t write poems. I’m not good with words, emotions. I think I must,” her voice becomes a whisper as their eyes meet, and she tilts her head naturally “find another way.”

She doesn’t close her eyes when they kiss. She is too startled. She’d kissed before: oh, many times. Her life has spanned too long to not try things for curiosity sake. But it had all been science then.

This was something more. She didn’t know what it was, only that it was overwhelming, and she was a woman who was infrequently overwhelmed. Her eyes softly close. She gives in.

She kisses him, and she expects fire. But it is not flame, or passionate explosions, or even sparks. No, it is just warmth. Warmth and joy and the color of orange swirling beneath her closed eyelids.

After a few seconds of surprised paradise he gasps, and that breaks their lips apart. But she stays close.

“Merlin, I-“

“I feel,” she begins, but she cannot continue on with words she doesn’t know. “I feel.” She simply repeats. A statement.

He nods because regardless of his poems stating she’s an endless enigma, he tends to understand her on a level few others do. “There are somethings we can’t explain,” he repeats, “even brilliant people like you. Science nor magic… all the studies in the world… we cannot be taught. We just have to find it ourselves.”

“Yes,” she agrees.

“I think I’ll call it love.”

#nanatsu no taizai #escanor #escalin #merlin #nnt fanfiction #mine

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snowbellewells · 6 years

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Run to Me (in the Dead of Night)

(Here is Chapter One - the first regular chapter after the prologue - of my CSSNS fic! Thank you for all of the like and re blogs I received last week; I hope you will enjoy this newest installment as well. I also appreciate your patience, as Killian didn’t appear until this week. Anyway, I still don’t own them, and this is still very much a divergence from early season two (many things go differently and various characters will continue to be portrayed differently than they were as the show went forward) I genuinely hope you will like this, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.)

by: @snowbellewells (TutorGirlml on ff.net)

And for sure, once again, THANK YOU so much to @wingedlioness for the breathtaking story banner I cannot stop staring at!!!

~ chapter one: out of the shadows

The next morning found Emma calmer again, though still a bit shaken by the sense of something lurking and possibly tracing her steps, seemingly proven by the cry of that wolf the night before. She had opted not to share her misgivings with her newly reunited mother and father however. Even as she knew they would be desperate to listen and help her, reminding her for the 90th time that doing just so was all they had ever wanted, they were also a perfect fairytale couple almost sickeningly in love at having found each other again, and so nonsensically optimistic that Emma wasn’t sure she could handle them both blindly reassuring her that everything would be fine and that she was worrying over nothing. Real life wasn’t some children’s story or Disney movie - at least, hers had never been. And so she simply avoided getting platitudes and chipper comfort, no matter how well-meant; she didn’t want to snap at them for trying to do their best.

Instead, she had quietly woken Henry with the promise of a special breakfast for the two of them at Granny’s. The opportunity for sweet French toast and their favorite hot chocolate with cinnamon, plus his mom all to himself, which had been rare since the chaos of the curse breaking, had her bright-eyed boy grinning and dressed in minutes, ready to go. The excitement of them sharing a secret had his big, brilliant eyes twinkling with glee; he almost bounced where he stood, his enthusiasm more than could be contained in his small ten-year-old frame. Needless to say, it took only minutes to get him out the door and down the street, skipping along at her side and talking as fast as he could draw breath to sustain the torrent.

Henry only truly paused once they were seated with plates of sugared, fried toast dripping syrup and butter and steaming hot before them. Emma chuckled to see him start shoveling forkfuls into his mouth as fast as he could, grinning at her around the battered bread confection as she finally snuck a few words in edgewise to ask what he’d been studying at school and how his friend Paige was doing now that she knew she was also Grace and had a father named Jefferson to split her time with as well as the adopted family she had always known.

Only as Henry began to detail the science experiment with tiny maple shoots his class was doing, did Emma glance up at the ring of the bell over the door at Granny’s entrance. The tall form filling most of the doorframe and blocking a fair bit of the early morning light through the glass for several seconds, made her breath stall in her throat. She was frozen, unable to blink, for fear the vision before her would disappear. The dark headed stranger; scruffy, wiry, and clad in full dark denim and black leather, stared back at her with a stunned sort of recognition, even as Emma knew she had never laid eyes on him before. There was no way she would forget a man who looked like that. No matter how uninterested in dating, romance, or potential heartbreak she was, Emma certainly wasn’t blind or oblivious, and no red blooded female could see this guy and not have their heart rate kick up a notch or two.

It wasn’t until the man shook his rather shaggy mop of hair slightly, almost as though trying to clear his head, that the overpowering connection of their gazes broke and Emma felt herself draw in another breath, looking down in embarrassment at the flare of heat blooming over her cheeks. She knew that meant her fair skin bore a bright and telltale blush that she didn’t want detected. When she again chanced another look up through her lashes, the man had dazedly moved to the counter to place an order and was speaking unheard to a smiling Ruby. There was something a bit off about Ruby’s stance, even as she smiled gamely at the new customer, that Emma couldn’t quite figure, almost as if the wide grin were showing her teeth more than conveying a welcome. However, she didn’t have long to puzzle on it before realizing that her intense focus had snagged her curious son’s attention. She could feel Henry grinning at her as much as actually see the spark of playful curiosity in his eyes as they roved from the stranger near the entrance and back to her with interest, back and forth like he were observing a tennis match.

Sighing and shaking her head, Emma couldn’t help a rueful laugh at her own expense, chest practically heaving and mouth hanging open in awe like a woman on the cover of one of those cheap bodice-ripper romance novels. Henry leaned forward, his eager amusement obvious as he whispered across the table to her. “Who is that, Mom?” he questioned, completely oblivious or simply ignoring her consternation. “Do you know him?”

Emma shook her head at her easily excitable little schemer, hoping he wouldn’t draw attention to them with his not-so-whispered queries.

Henry did stay relatively quiet, thankfully, but nudged her hand on the table with his own. “You should go talk to him,” he urged.

Before she could object or try to steer her son back toward eating his breakfast and getting to school on time, Emma was startled once again when the newcomer crossed to their table with three to-go cups somehow balanced between his hands. Coming to stand before them, the man’s blue eyes - even more arresting up close - twinkled at first Emma and then Henry as his hip jutted in a decidedly rakish stance, and he held the proffered gifts out for them. “Hot chocolate with cinnamon,” he explained with a playful wink, and then an encouraged smile as Henry’s face clearly transmitted his delight. “The lass at the counter assures me it’s your regular order.” Pausing to wet his lips uncertainly, almost as though battling nerves, he then added an almost courtly and old-fashioned bow. “By way of introducing myself - Killian Jones, at your service.”

Emma had tilted her head suspiciously, studying this Killian’s words and actions when he chose to approach her with her son, but she trusted her gut as well as her instinctive lie detector and read nothing false or dangerous in his intentions. Sensing it to be a truly considerate and well-meaning gesture, she gave Henry a small nod and reassuring smile when he looked to her for confirmation it was alright to accept the treat.

Emma took her own beverage from his hand as well, and only when her skin brushed his with a shiver did she notice the stiff, immobility of his left appendage. She had to admit that she was both curious and struck with a pang of regret for whatever must have happened to him, but it didn’t affect her nearly as much as the lurch of powerful attraction in her stomach immediately upon their fleeting contact.

“Thank you, Mr. Jones,” her son spoke up brightly, scooting further into the booth they occupied in order to make room, even before he asked, “Do you want to sit with us?” Emma shook her head again, wondering if that hadn’t been exactly what Jones hoped to achieve, though she couldn’t truly be upset at her son’s politeness, nor his friendly, accepting character.

Killian chuckled good naturedly, happy but also struck by a pang through his chest at just how long it had been since he had been welcomed by anyone with such ease and enthusiasm. He hoped his humored response had covered the accompanying flinch of pain, but he pressed forward just in case. “Please, just Killian will do nicely. Mr. Jones was my father; you’ll make me feel old. As for joining you both, I would like nothing more, lad, but I do believe I heard your mother speaking of your lessons commencing as I approached?”

It was Emma’s turn to laugh lightly then, her face practically glowing and her eyes crinkling as she joined their exchange. “He has you there, Henry! Nice try, kid, but we’d better get you to school before you’re late.”

Henry groaned, clearly much more interested in whatever new developments might happen in his absence than in attending class, but he dutifully finished his last bite of French toast, gathered his backpack and drink, and moved to stand. “Walk with us at least?” he asked hopefully, eyes trained with accuracy on the man he had clearly decided to make his newest friend.

Turning to search the stunning blonde deputy’s face for approval, Killian felt the blood drain from his own visage, and the strength from his limbs, so caught up in the visceral attraction that pulsed between them once again. It was as though he couldn’t look away, the connection, the pull between them was so strong. The force of it left him completely adrift, merely scant comfort found in the fact that - if he weren’t mistaken - she seemed to be affected in much the same way. He had only meant to ascertain if she would be opposed to his accompanying she and her boy on their way, but he might as well have suddenly turned to stone, a mute statue, for all that he could voice any of his thoughts.

Seeming uncertain for only a second, she then gave him an almost shy smile. As if reading his eyes and his as-yet-unspoken question, she agreed with her son in a carefully casual lightness. “Sure, come along if you’d like - the more the merrier.”

It didn’t take a genius to see that this was going out on a limb for her; Deputy Emma Swan’s offer wasn’t half as nonchalant as she wanted it to appear. He could sense the way her pulse quickened, the light blush that tinged her cheeks, and the idle tension as she crossed and uncrossed her arms over her torso while awaiting his answer. An outcast himself - lost and alone for most of his life - Killian could recognize another with similar defense mechanisms. Even without the clues his heightened senses could detect from her bodily response to him, the kinship he felt warmed him beyond any simple animal magnetism he had ever encountered.

Scratching behind one ear nervously, he offered both mother and son a crooked smile before nodding gratefully. A chance to actually join in with those around him, be a part of something, was tempting despite its never having worked out well for him before. “Aye, I’d like that.”

Their little trio was just moving to the diner’s exit when a slight man with a cane swept in, a wave of fear and expectant energy covering the place with his arrival. Mr. Gold, the pawnbroker, though all were also aware that he was Rumplestiltskin - the Dark One - one of the most powerful magic users ever and not to be crossed, eyed everyone in the establishment; his beady, sharp eyes coming to rest on the three facing him, stalling where they had been on their way out.

Emma tried imperceptibly to move so that her body at least partially shielded and hid Henry from view, but Gold merely sneered silently as if to remind her that such efforts would be futile if he decided to strike, before coming to rest on the man at her side. The smaller man’s eyes glinted cold recognition, narrowing as they centered on Killian Jones with a malice that made shivers of foreboding tingle across the back of Emma’s neck. No words were spoken, but it was a stand-off all the same, and one she found herself suddenly desperate to break up. “Can I help you, Mr. Gold?” she asked while attempting to stare him down and stepping forward to draw his focus to the deputy badge clipped onto her belt.

The sinister hiss of his smooth, oily words was disconcerting, but Emma didn’t flinch, wouldn’t allow herself to show weakness. “Funny you should ask that, Dearie,” Gold intoned almost gleefully, looking for all the world as though he really was savoring whatever he was about to unveil. “You do owe me after all.” Emma cringed slightly at the remembrance of her agreement to return him a favor in exchange for Cinder-freaking-rella to keep her baby. “But let’s wait for your colleague to join us… Oh yes! There he is. Good morning, Sheriff Humbert.”

As if on cue, Graham stormed through the door at that very moment; a man on a mission, though he drew up short at Gold’s positively jubilant greeting, immediately on the alert. It was clear to Emma, who had come to know him fairly well by that point, that her friend had entered into the diner with a purpose - something on his mind - but he certainly wasn’t going to broach it with the Dark One standing nearby like a sinister eavesdropper.

“Good morning, Gold,” Graham said with a nod in a friendly enough tone, but his eyes were wary as he watched the powerful imp who owned half the town, both literally as a landlord and figuratively as broker of the many whose deals he held over their heads.

Gold smiled lazily, his gaze encompassing their audience in the other booths and at the counter of the diner, Henry, Emma, Graham, before narrowing in once more with open hostility on Killian Jones. The wide, mocking smile vanished for a second as a truly monstrous glimmer passed over his face, then rippled and vanished so quickly that Emma had to wonder if she had only imagined it.

Bringing his focus back to the sheriff and deputy, Gold made an ostentatious gesture with his hand, twirling it up like the announcer on a game show or a magician flourishing before unveiling his favorite trick. “Well, now that we’re all present…” he drawled with pleasure, “what I want from you is quite simple.”

Emma narrowed her eyes more shrewdly, still attempting to put Henry as out of sight and mind from the troubling deal maker as she could, feeling her breath stopper up within her throat at the slight movement beside her which caused her to realize that Killian Jones, whom she had only just officially met and who owed her nothing at all, had shuffled enough closer to her side to aid the effort, effectively shielding Henry behind both their bodies. He’d done it so subtly that Emma herself wouldn’t have registered the stealthy shift if it hadn’t been for the way the fine hairs on her arm stood at attention in awareness of his proximity - electricity erupting in the air between them so strongly that she couldn’t ignore the sensation.

Emma shot a quick sideways glance in his direction, only to find his light, sea blue gaze already directed her way, waiting to receive her response. She had meant to be surreptitious, not intending to give away what he had managed so smoothly, but as their eyes met, she couldn’t help the sharp breath she sucked in at the impact, stunned and muddle-brained by his effect on her. Hoping to convey her gratitude for his help in protecting her son, Emma attempted to funnel that emotion into her expression, and to her relief, a warmth stole across Jones’ striking features, laugh lines crinkling briefly at the corners of his eyes and a warm, comprehending smile pulling his lips up briefly as he nodded to her before turning forward to face their common foe once more. Still, somehow in that brief exchange, a bit of the pressure within Emma snapped. Her shoulders fell slightly from where they had been pulled high to ready herself in what Ruby jokingly called her “fighting stance”. The easy communication she had just experienced, ready comprehension without even needing words, was incredibly rare. The sense that another person understood and valued the thoughts and opinions they read from her had possibly never been so clear before - certainly not with such ease or strength. Though she didn’t have the time to work it out just then, or to weigh why it excited her and bolstered her courage instead of making her want to run, Emma filed the knowledge away, hoping for the time to examine and savor it later. A sense of kinship, of belonging and effortlessly understanding another person, was more welcome than she would have expected.

Pushing the whirl of emotion aside, Emma returned her gaze to the deceptively frail-looking older man in his sharp, tailored suit before them. Now well aware who he was, despite knowing only a fraction of what he had done in the realm where she was born, and all he was capable of doing, or had already done, to those she held dear, Emma knew the small, unassuming facade for what it was. Even when he appeared friendly and jovial as he did now, there was an undercurrent of danger that accompanied his mere presence, and she refused to be taken in or caught off guard.

Speaking up clearly and directly, not allowing her unease to show through, nor hesitating to meet him head-on, Emma stared right back into reptilian eyes that glimmered with intelligence and treachery, biting out, “Well, let’s have it then,” she prodded, inviting no grandstanding or tricks, just the plain truth. “Clearly you wanted an audience, so here we are. What is it you’re after?”

“Ooh,” Gold mocked a shiver of intimidation, “very bold, Miss Swan. So brash, so self-assured.” A truly fiendish grin of delight stretched across his face, showing the glint of his teeth as he paused deliberately before warning, “I’d be a bit more careful of your tone though, Dearie. Remember, I’m not the one who’s indebted here.”

Judging by the abrupt hiss of air through clenched teeth that she heard to her left, Killian Jones had recoiled at the threat in that statement nearly as much as she had. Either shocked, angered, or displeased by the news that Emma owed this villain a favor, she wasn’t sure which and she couldn’t risk a glance at him to see. Instead, she grit out her response to Gold’s admonition with a near growl. “Well, that may be true, but I certainly wasn’t aware of all the details in the fine print, was I?”

“A deal’s a deal,” the Dark One simpered almost playfully at her, “doesn’t matter if one later decides the price is too steep.”

Emma continued to glower back, fists clenched at her sides, uncertain if she could even move from her defensive stance she was so frozen, so torn between rage and embarrassment at the bind she had locked herself into before knowing any better.

It was Graham who broke through the increasingly heated staredown. “Gold, tell us what you want and be done with it. This isn’t the Enchanted Forest, nor have we any need of the theatrics.” The firm, commanding tone her friend could pull off but rarely employed gathered everyone’s notice. Emma caught him making eye contact, even as he spoke, with his adopted sister over their heads to where Ruby stood behind the counter. He must have been able to communicate his instructions well enough to her, as soon Emma heart shuffling and the squeak of footsteps on linoleum flooring at her back and realized that her brunette friend was almost certainly ushering diner patrons out the back entrance as stealthily and swiftly as possible. Emma held her breath, knowing the exits wouldn’t escape Gold’s notice. However, he seemed untroubled by them, and so the five of them stood in a sort of motionless tableau until the vacated diner was eerily silent and emptied of all innocent bystanders.

Giving one final titter of mirth, a sound that truly set Emma’s teeth on edge, Mr. Gold, mentor to the Evil Queen herself, finally stated his business and laid all his cards on the table. “The maid in my employ back in our realm - Belle French - is still missing, despite Regina’s curse breaking, memories being restored, and reunions happening left and right. She became rather invaluable to me during her time in the Dark Castle - good help is so hard to find, you know.” He said the words flippantly, endeavoring mightily to seem nonchalant; unconcerned one way or another, merely wishing to reclaim a stolen possession, but there was a fervency behind the light words, a tightness in his face as he spoke, that set off Emma’s sense of a lie. This maid meant more than he wanted to reveal. “She was unfailingly dedicated to her work and possessed of a ridiculously overdeveloped sense of honor,” he continued. “She would have returned to her duties for me if she were free to do so. Therefore, I can only believe she has been taken. Someone is holding her against her will. And I want her found. Immediately.”

This last was leveled with ringing authority, the implied consequences for failure unspoken but abundantly clear.

“And how do you know she was even brought over to this land with the curse?” Graham questioned smartly; Emma duly impressed by his quick thinking and completely logical argument.

Gold’s gaze narrowed further still, his focus so intense on the Sheriff and former Huntsman that it made Emma want to flinch away from its burn though not even trained on her. Eventually however, he nodded succinctly as if he had found what he needed and moved on. When he spoke again, his voice was once more smooth, assured, and certain he would not be denied. “And excellent question, Sheriff Humbert. Perhaps your former keeper trained her loyal dog a bit better than I realized.”

He paused, a knowing simper on his pointed face as he watched Graham stiffen, an involuntary shudder rippling visibly through his frame.

Emma bristled on her friend’s behalf, not sure what exactly Gold meant by his words, but easily able to see they had upset and shaken Graham’s resolve to an uncanny degree. She took a step forward, intending to break into their exchange and a hand coming to rest on Graham’s arm in support, but Gold continued before she could speak. “Let us simply say that I know she is in the land somewhere. I would feel it if she weren’t. That is all any of you need know.”

“So we’re just supposed to take your word for it?” Emma bit out harshly, not at all liking his assumption of control, nor the way Graham had still hardly moved since Gold’s veiled insinuation. “We should expend all our department’s time and resources on your wild goose chase, even though the whole town’s in chaos right now?”

Gold sneered at her, undeterred and unwilling to acknowledge any claim as more pressing than his own. “You would find you truly regretted going back on a deal with me,” he intoned, voice eerily calm but all the more troubling for it. “Not to mention,” and his gaze trained on Graham once more, staring him right in the eyes as if to make sure the Sheriff caught every word. “He owes me even more than you do, Deputy Swan. Our good Sheriff might well decide he didn’t have the heart to do otherwise.”

Graham snapped his eyes free of the almost hypnotic serpent’s stare Gold held him in, turning his head abruptly and clearly battling within himself for a moment, before finally rasping in a voice that sounded as though it had been drug over gravel that of course they wouldn’t leave an innocent young woman to suffer, and they would do all they could to locate this Belle French.

Emma found her eyes going back and forth between the insidious businessman and her boss, aghast at Graham’s seeming compliance with the demands and trying to decide what was going on between the words spoken, clearly something Gold could use as leverage on her friend that she wasn’t privy to. Not that she minded trying to help someone genuinely in need - that wasn’t the point - but she bristled at Gold thinking he owned the sheriff’s department and could control them as he did so much else. Still, she bit her tongue, waiting to see what would happen and trying to trust that Graham would explain further when he was able.

Seeming to sense that he had gained their acquiescence, at least begrudgingly, and the upper hand, Gold’s focus slid once more over to where Killian Jones stood at Emma’s side. The newcomer’s eyes never wavered from their aggressor, on his guard and vigilant, as if expecting an outright, physical attack, and Gold seemed equally intent, sizing up his quarry patiently. “And you,” he nearly spat, a flicker of fire in his eyes that truly made him look for a fleeting second like the demon she had heard so many claim him to be. “Seeing you here, now, when my Belle is gone, makes me think you had something to do with her disappearance,” he continued, drawing nearer as he spoke.

Killian tensed, a muscle in his jaw working at the sinister accusation leveled against him. Emma held herself back only because she was still determinedly trying to keep herself somewhat neutral in her official capacity, and physically between their foe and Henry. Even so, she had to grit her teeth, burning to step forward and defend the man next to her. He had just arrived in town, how could he have had anything to do with the disappearance of Rumplestiltskin’s maid? She knew what it was to be doubted at every turn, mistrusted merely because she was new to a place, alone, and didn’t belong anywhere with anyone else; it wasn’t right or fair, but she had burned with the feeling more than enough to sense her defenses rising on Jones’ behalf.

Next to her, Killian’s eyes narrowed at his accuser, no longer a twinkling light and mirthful blue, but dark as a stormy sea, his right hand fisting and opening repeatedly as he held himself rigid, clearly wanting to step forward and strike out in retribution for the uncalled for slander.

The pawn shop owner studied them both, not missing a single detail: how close they stood to one another, how hard Emma was working to maintain a semblance of control, and how intensely Killian was struggling to keep himself in check. Somehow, even taking that all in, an insidious, evil grin stretched over his thin lips, as if pleased with the turmoil he had wrought.

When Killian did speak, his voice was a dangerously low rumble from his chest, a warning to back off, as he would defend himself and his own. The mere fleck of light remaining in his cerulean eyes flashed like lightning with his words. “Think what you want, Crocodile,” he countered, Emma’s brow furrowing in confusion at the strange moniker, and not for the first time wondering just what volatile history lay between this intriguing man beside her and the Dark One. “I may be guilty of many things - plotting to see you pay for all you’ve done to me amongst them - but make no mistake, I’ll not hide in the shadows when I strike vengeance against you. You will know it was me. Kidnapping some former member of your household staff brings me no closer to my aim.”

If possible, Gold’s countenance grew even more disturbing at Killian’s gritted words. Right before their eyes, his face seemed to darken in rage; for a second, Emma would have once again sworn that his skin nearly sparkled as if covered in glittering, truly reptilian scales and eyes turning almost yellow, before the vision dissipated and she blinked, wondering if the effect had been in her mind both times. The roar of his next words did make Emma flinch back though, their timbre almost inhuman. “You filthy cur!” he railed, taking a step closer to Killian, hand raised in a manner that made Emma fear he was about to strike Jones down where he stood.

To his credit, Killian didn’t even blink. Gold’s whole body seemed to shudder with a wave of power from within, as if the frisson was bursting to escape and barely contained in its slight, unassuming vessel. Pivoting to face Graham, his face close and eyes hard on Storybrooke’s lawman, the Dark One’s next statement chilled Emma even further. “I want Miss French found, Sheriff. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll begin with that mongrel right there.”

His finger pointed at Killian could not be mistaken, even as Emma watched, tensed, expecting some blast of dark magic she still knew very little about to spew forth and set him on fire or turn him into a toad - whatever horrible curse the imp could imagine, she supposed. Thankful that no such destruction occurred, her heart still sunk, even as she floundered for another course of action, at the slippery wizard’s next words. “He can feign innocence all he likes, but that degenerate cannot even deny that he has gone after her before, merely to injure me. I want him brought in for questioning, Sheriff. Consider it a part of the debt you owe me.”

Shaking her head, appalled by the swift turn of events, Emma gathered herself to strike back at the spiteful man, fruitless as she knew it was; to argue with Graham, to remind him they didn’t answer to Gold, nor have to do his bidding without real evidence, but it was as if she had suddenly gone silent and invisible, watching it all unfold around her. Fumbling without even looking, she gripped Killian’s hand in her own, almost as if she intended to hold onto him so he couldn’t be taken away.

And though Killian returned the pressure warmly, the rough calluses of his fingertips and palms somehow making her stomach flip when they brushed against her smooth skin, his eyes were grateful but resigned when she raised hers to meet his solemn stare. “It’s alright, Swan,” he murmured, so quietly she didn’t think anyone else had even heard and making her heart rhythm stutter at the unexpectedly beautiful nickname. “I’ll go with Sheriff Humbert.”

She opened her mouth to argue, but he shook his dark head minutely. “On this score at least, I’ve nothing to hide. And, at any rate, with whatever he has over you and your sheriff, my freedom isn’t worth anyone’s life.” He stepped forward, offering his wrists for Graham to cuff.

Graham, for his part, looked ashamed, clearly reluctant to take this man in on no grounds whatsoever beyond a villain’s word. “No need for that,” he mumbled, barely meeting Jones’ eyes, and both avoiding the gloating evident on Gold’s vindictive face. With a mere firm hand on Jones’ arm, the sheriff led the other man out of the diner to his waiting squad car.

Gold exited as well, watching with the satisfied air of one whose job is done, then he bowed to Emma like some magnanimous ruler and turned to leave, heading back up the street to his shop.

Henry was pulling her arm before the chime on the door at their backs had ceased its ringing. “He can’t just do that, can he? Not here in the real world! We’ve got to help Killian!!”

Emma quickly gathered Henry close to her, delving her hand into his soft hair and holding his body tight to her own for fear he might run after the Dark One in childish haste and fiery need to right all wrongs he saw.

She didn’t know what she was going to do just yet, but she would get to the bottom of this. Of that she had no doubt.

Tagging: @cssns @kmomof4 @laschatzi @searchingwardrobes @wingedlioness @whimsicallyenchantedrose @resident-of-storybrooke @therooksshiningknight @jennjenn615 @spartanguard @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @linda8084 @bmbbcs4evr

#cssns #cs canon divergence #cs au mc #ouat werewolves au ff #run to me (in the dead of night)#chapter one

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