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nataliebuckleyromanoffharrington · 2 years

Text

My Detka - A Letter

→ Pairs: Natasha Romanoff x f!reader

→ Summary: You snapped your fingers at the Endgame 5 years ago. Natasha, your wife, who hasn't moved on, writes a letter to you.

→ Warning/s: Sad, grief, death.

→ Universe: Marvel

→ Setting: 9pm, yours and Nats room

→ Genre: [S]

→ Note: This is a Natasha version of the one I did a few days ago on Nat's 3rd death anniversary.. Although I did copy some parts and change a few ones on the way to the end.

→ Meaning/s: (y/e/c) = your eye color. (y/h/c) = your hair color. (y/s/c)=your skin color. y/n/n=your nickname

Masterlist (F) • Taglist • Masterlist (M)

To the love of my life, y/n,

5 years. 5 years since I last heard your voice, see your smile, taste your cooking, feel your warmth. 5 years since I last said my I love you to you. 5 years since I lost my smile, and I don't care because you're not the reason behind it.

I never once thought that I would be writing something like this in God who knows when. From the very first moment we met, when you entered the big doors and my eyes met your (y/e/c) orbs, I knew I'll end up with you 'til our last moments on Earth, 'til our last breath.

But.. it didn't go as planned.. you went first.. Why? You promised me we'll die together..

Hope. Love. Such simple 4 letter words, yet it's so powerful and has many deep meanings behind it.

Scientists may say that soulmates don't exist and that is made up, I agree with that. Then I met you. Y/N/N, I hope someday we'll say Hello to each other again, feel one another's warmth, feel safe and loved in the presence of each other. You taught me so many things that I didn't know I needed to learn, you were like my teacher. You taught me how to open up easily, you taught me how to move on from my past.

Honestly, you were the only person I've ever felt free with, I can cry on your shoulder and chest as you whisper sweet words, I can trust you with secrets, I can be open to you, I can let my feelings out with you. Being with you makes me think that it's only the two of us in the world.

When I watched you close your eyes slowly with a smile, I couldn't register that. I felt limb, I felt numb. I rested my forehead on your heart, breaking down in front of the team as they kneel in sympathy and empathy. No one could ever feel the same pain I'm going and went through. The pain of losing my wife. I felt like an enormous part of me disappeared with you, you were my other part.

You were our light. Our joy. Our baby even though you're 29. But now, as I sit on your chair in your office, my only light is the lamp that's illuminating the office.

I was raised and taught that feelings such as love is for children and for the weak, yet we had the greatest love there was. At my age, I never knew I would fall so hopelessly in love with anyone.

It's hard to move on. It's hard to accept the fact that I have no one to call home from now on, that I have no one to make me feel loved again. It's hard, but I'm starting to grow on my own now. And it happened because of you, you taught me how to live even without you.

There are billions of people in this world, yet we found each other. Some people could say that it's just fate but surely, is fate that cruel to keep us apart like this? is fate really that cruel to keep my happiness away? Malyshka, I would do anything to have you beside me, wether it may be 1 minute or two hours, hell I would even sell my soul to the devil. Because you made me feel things that only you can make me feel, and that's loved and enough. Fuck Fate. It took the most important person in the universe away from me. Everywhere I look, it has a memory of us.

I find these things rather sappy, I know you know that. Poems, love letters, love songs, gifts, I always thought that you could show someone your love for them using those. But now, as I sit on your chair, I see it in a different perspective. I guess everything on this paper is the things I left unsaid. You don't know how much I love and care about you, but now that you're gone, it feels as though I didn't say enough to make you stay, and it's killing me.

It sent me into an undesirable and complicated spiral of negative thoughts. How am I going to live without you? How am I going to move on? What did we do to deserve this? How will I ever watch the sunset, sunrise, the moon and stars on the hill without memories flashing back? How will I ever listen to our favorite songs without it bringing memories back? Who am I going to call home from now on?

Hopelessness. Numbness. Pain. I feel like giving up. Everything is pointless, living is pointless without you, well except writing this. I don't know why I can't help but keep writing how much I miss you, how much I can't move on.

All of this is dried black ink on a stupid piece of white paper, meaningless and useless words covering the white page. Some may say it's not special but to me, they mean the world. All the love I still have for you on this paper. To think about it, it's quite funny.

No matter how much the team and my adoptive family try and help me, I still feel numb and lonely. Loneliness has been my partner in the evenings, in the mornings when I sit there and eat breakfast, when I sit in the library and read, when I'm on boring missions but it makes me feel your love again. Loneliness makes me feel you again, funny right? It makes me think of all of our kisses, hugs, giggles, your sweet and loving voice whispering sweet words to me or just feeling your presence again.

Sometimes it leads me to your part of the closet, where your hoodies rest, where your sweet perfume lays, where our hidden pictures hide. I always sleep with your hoodies on, it makes me feel as though you were here, hugging me tightly like your life depends on me. But then I'd wake up without you. Sometimes I'm grateful for the loneliness, yet sometimes it feels like it's eating me.

We had everything we ever wanted, because it's each other that we ever wanted. I could sleep on the hardest bed, I could eat the most disgusting food if it means to be in your arms again, to feel your warmth and presence again. With you I felt like the world has stopped.

You were such a beautiful and wonderful person with a tender and soft heart. You were tough and bold but deep inside you're all fluff. I loved everything about you. The way your (y/h/c) would cascade down your (y/s/c). The way you would always make my food perfectly. The way your cheeks would turn red whenever I flirt or give you a compliment. The way you would drag me to every tourist spot we have a mission in because you love and appreciate the culture you're surrounded with. The way your smile would reach your eyes. The way your lips would automatically smile when I enter the room. The way you love staying up late, watching movies and cuddling. The way your (y/e/c) would glisten under the morning sunlight and night moonlight. The way you got so into book that you started writing one, which you didn't get to finish and publish. The way your arms would always be wrapped around me at all times. The way your eyes would light up at good news. The way you would always make me a peanut butter sandwich after missions. The way you would always mark every Sunday as the Barbecue day, and every Thursday is international food day where you would cook a dish from a certain country and it would always taste good But most of all, it's the way you would put others before yourself, making sure they're all okay and happy.

You were the most kind and selfless person I've ever met. You were everything nice. You were the light in my darkest times. You were my blanket on cold nights. You were my pillow when I need to cry. You were the brightest star in my pitch black world. You were the cause behind my smiles and laughter. You were the one behind my successful missions. But now, I don't have a light in my darkest world, I don't have a blanket on my cold nights, I don't have a pillow to cry on, the brightest star has faded, the cause of my smiles and laughter is gone, but you'll always be the one behind my successful missions and my smiles and laughter.

It was hard seeing how the team reacted to your death. Moments we shared together felt as though it was just the two of us in the world, it almost made me forget how many people love and care about you. You found a family that loves and cares about you so undesirably much.

I'd never thought I'd turn my reality into a dream, because I can only be with you in my mind, until the very last moment of my life until we reunite. Our story has been this long that I've never expected it to end this way, if only we could turn a few pages back and rewrite the ending. Wanda always told me, "It doesn't matter how the book ends, read it again with the same smile and giggle" and she's right, looking back at our memories, I learned that people leave for a reason. Sometimes I lie here, wearing your hoodies as your scent remains there as if you were hugging me tightly like your life depends on me and I would close me eyes and memories of us flashback.

We would always make comments about how the other should cope if something bad happened during a mission. Though, I never expected it to happen so soon. You always told me to close my eyes and I'll be there with you because I will always have our memories in my mind. But now that you're gone, if I try it, it saddens me more, because I have to turn to darkness to find you, when you were the brightest person in my life.

Lila, Nathaniel, Cooper, Billy, Tommy and Morgan is all grown up now. It was painful to tell the kids that you won't be coming back. They cried all night after we told them the news, you were their favorite aunt out of all of us. You know, I've been trying to move on but I can't, everywhere I look has a memory of us. The team is dissolving after the Endgame. Vision, Loki, you and Steve is gone... Bucky, Maria, Fury, Sam, Wanda, Strange, Thor, Clint, Bruce, Tony, Pepper, Happy, Yelena, Melina, Alexei, Carol, Shuri, King T'Challa, Laura Peter, Aunt May, the kids, me... None of us have moved on. We'll avenge you, Detka. Just wait.

So, my dearest wife, y/n, I will leave it here because it hurts too much to continue. I will always write to you, every day to let you know what I've been doing. I know that we will meet again and finally enjoy the rest of our lives together. I hate the fact that you gave me so many good memories that you became the memory that kills me. You promised that you'll stay forever but I guess forever is just a word from now on. I hope you wait for me up there, I'll be there soon, I promise. I can't wait for that day but for now, I'll get by, thinking of you every moment. So, my joy, my love, my detka, my home, my hero, I will alway love you unconditionally always and forever, Y/N.

Love, Natasha.

A/N: Yey! Pain!

#natasha romanoff #avengers #marvel mcu #natasha x reader #mcu #natasha marvel #natasha romanoff x yn #yelena belova #melina vostokoff #alexei shostakov #avengers fanfiction

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lunaekalenda · 3 years

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Hi! I'm not sure if your requests are open, but if they are, can I request a Jean x reader angst where they get into an argument and he says something SUPER uncalled for? And reader's all like "wow ok" and walks away bc they don't wanna say anything uncalled for either, but Jean thinks that means reader is breaking up with him? So the next day he does a bunch of cheesy things like buys them breakfast, flowers, writes a tone of love notes, etc?

If your requests aren't open then I understand! And have an AMAZING rest of your day hehe ❤

they are, no worries! i hope you like it! <3

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jean x reader

“You should talk with him...” Jean turns around. His eyes are darker than ever. He’s angry.

“Mind your own business.” he says. You look at him, not flinching even a bit, even knowing you want to cry. His honey color eyes are still fixed on yours, and his breath goes fast. He’s nervous.

“Oh, fine.” you say, taking your jacket and leaving, slamming the door.

“Y/N, wait.” he says, but you’re opening the main door, leaving your shared apartment. He takes his head between his hands, running his hands over his hair. “Fuck.” that’s the only thing that leaves his mouth while he feels how the smell of your cologne disappears quietly. He messed it up. He said something he doesn’t thing, in the heat of the moment, and now you don’t want to see him again. That’s what he thinks. That you left him forever.

You didn’t, though. You just want to have fresh air, to think better about what he said. He was angry, you can understand that. But he wasn’t angry at you, then why pay it with you? You sigh. Jean isn’t like that. He’s always loving, caring and sweet, even when he had a bad day. He always has a smile for you. That’s why you’re not angry at him. You know he has just a complicated day. But you also want him to know that he shouldn’t pay it with you.

Later that night, when you arrive home, Jean is sleeping on the kitchen table. He has all the papers around and a glass of wine half-empty. You shake his shoulder quietly.

“Jean. Go to bed.” you whisper. He opens an eye a little and sees you.

“You’re home.” he says. But, after all, you just broke up with him, didn’t you? His brain knows you’re only there because you didn’t have enough time to search a place to sleep today. Also, all your things are still here. He moans quietly, getting up, his back hurting because of the bad position his body had. He walks to the bed, hearing your cute little steps behind him. He always liked how they sound. Maybe this is the last time he will hear them. He enters his side of the bed. He can’t lose you. He would make you stay.

“Good night, Jean.” You say, while you enter the other side, giving him your back. He sighs.

“Good night, y/n.”

Next morning, Jean finds himself tangled with you. He smiles. How can your bodies know the other that well? They arranged themselves on their sleep. He takes his arm carefully far from your waist and gets up quietly. He goes straight to the kitchen after changing his clothes. He decided to make it up to you, so he searches the recipe of the fluffy pancakes his mum sent to him not a while ago. Putting his earbuds on, he starts to cook.

You wake up feeling Jean’s place on bed cold, a pleasant smell coming from the stairs. You look at the clock. It’s saturday. Jean doesn’t work today. Then, why is he awake? You stretch yourself in bed and, under your pillow, you find a paper. You read it.

“Good morning. Please, come to the living room once you’re awake. I love you.”

Jean’s handwriting signs the note. Is now he leaving romantic notes for you? You change into your daily clothes and go down stairs, heading to the living room, but you’re curious. Opening the kitchen door quietly, you find your boyfriend. He’s dancing quietly to the music he’s listening, a plate full of pancakes in the side of the table, and he’s turning another pancake with the spatula. You rest your body against the frame of the door, silently enjoying it. He has cut also some fruits, put a huge amount of whipped cream on the side of the plate and made some fruit yoghurt as well. He is making such an effort.

He does this things sometimes, really elaborated and cute breakfast for you two on special dates as your birthday or anniversary, But today isn’t a special day. He turns around and sees you. A shy smile crosses his lips and you enter the kitchen, sitting on a chair.

“Good morning, Jean.” you say. He takes off his earbuds.

“Good morning, babe.” he answers. He then visualices what he said. Did he made you uncomfortable saying that? He’s so used to call you “babe” he didn’t even realize he has done it. He looks sneaky at you. You’re adding chocolate powder to your glass of milk quietly. It doesn’t look like it affected you.

“I... I made breakfast.” he says. His voice sounds shy for some reason. You tell him to sit on the chair next to yours and he takes the pancake plate. The strawberries are cut on heart shape.

“Jean, these are so cute!” you say, taking one. You put it on top of the whipped cream, eating it after that. Jean smiles.

“You have cream on your mouth.” You quickly wipe it with a napkin. In any other day, he would lean closer and take it off your mouth himself. But he wants to make things well, he wants you to forgive him. You also missed that kiss. He cleans his throat and you cut a part of a pancake, tasting it. He looks at your reaction.

“They are really good, baby, goddess” you say. He takes your hand and you look at him. He went from happy to serious in a second.

“Babe I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve how I treated you yesterday. Please, fogive me. I’m so sorry, I don’t want to lose you. Please.” He takes your hand to his lips. “I left early in the morning. I also....” the door bell rings. He goes quickly to the door, coming back with a huge lilac bouquet. “I don’t want to be without you. It was my fault and I don’t want to lose you because of something I said without thinking.” he says. He gives the bouquet to you. It has a little note pined to it. You take it.

“I love you.” it what it says. Just three words that make your spine tremble. He takes your hands again, you can see his pain on his eyes.

“Please, come back to me.” You look at him. Back? You put the lilacs on a near empty vase.

“Back? How back, baby?” you ask. He looks at you.

“We broke up yesterday. You left me, didn’t you?” You can almost hear his quiet and starting sobs. You laugh a little, caressing his cheeks.

“I didn’t break up with you, silly.” you say. “I just left because it hurt me, but I was planning to come back when I got calm. And I did, didn’t I?” the last phrase is almost whispered against his mouth. He takes your chin, his eyes scanning yours so close. You can even see the different tones of brown on his irises.

“Sorry for hurting you. I was angry to myself and I said that. You didn’t deserve it. Sorry.”

You caress his cheek again. You smile quietly.

“Accepted apologizes.” you say.

“Then, are we okay?” he asks. You nod twice, so slowly, that his lips brush against yours sweetly when he gets closer.

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stanninghigedan · 3 years

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黄色い車 / Kiiroi Kuruma / Yellow Car

So here we are, after the last translation I did last February, I'm back (??) again HAHAHA.

So I actually started translating this a few months ago and was planning to release this during Higedan's 9th anniversary. But obviously that didn't happen because of lots of things - got busy with the anniv project we did (please do give it a watch - we poured our heart and soul onto this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0YFRmPGa_M) so this took a back seat.

Now, you might be wondering - why did I plan to release this during Higedan's anniversary? Well, this song has Higedan's feelings when they left their hometown a few years back to go to Tokyo and become full time artists. These feelings are shown in the lyrics of the song, as well as through the nostalgic vibe the song brings. You can see through this song how much they loved their hometown and how it pained them to leave but they needed to so that they could do what they love to do. So, if they didn't leave their hometown, who knows if we would have known them and loved them now. Well, maybe we still would have found them one way or another, but I think them leaving their comfort zone was a big factor as to how we now know the Higedan we love.

So anyway, like what I always say - this translation might contain errors/mistakes/inconsistencies/inaccuracies - if you do see them, please do point them out to me so I can make the necessary corrections. Feedback will be greatly appreciated as I'm just doing this as part of me studying Japanese, so I'm really bound to have some mistakes. I do also hope that this translation will help in appreciating the song more.

---

「行ってきます」　この人生でもう何度口にしたのだろう

「いってらっしゃい」と言われるのも

今日で最後になってしまうんだな

妙に片付いた僕の部屋　もの置きになんかしないでね

窓から見える大山も　ドアを閉めてさようなら

旅立ちの音が窓の向こうから呼んでる

エンジンのくせしてバラードみたいに切なくて

困ってしまうよ

きっとこれから楽しい事たくさんあるよ

大して用がなくても電話して　たまには愚痴って笑おうよ

遠くに行くけど一度も忘れたりしないよ

辛くてもラララ歌って　どうか元気でまた会えますように

庭の端っこでいつだって出迎えてくれた広葉樹の

花が咲くのは見られないまま

出て行くことになってしまった

夕日と君に背を向けて　僕の未来は動きだす

バックミラーに映る街　目の奥に焼き付けた

色んな景色を見せてくれて嬉しかったよ

今度は僕が見せる番だから行ってくるんだよ

期待していてよ

きっとこれから楽しい事たくさんあるよ

大して用がなくても電話して

たまには愚痴って笑おうよ

素敵な思い出を今まで本当にありがとう

遠くからでも届くように　大きな声で歌うよ

ラララ

辛くてもラララ歌って

どうかいつまでも元気で

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"Ittekimasu" kono jinsei de mou nando kuchi ni shita no darou

"Itterasshai" to iwareru no mo

Kyou de saigo ni natte shimaunda na

Myou ni katadzuita boku no heya monooki ni nanka shinaide ne

Mado kara mieru Daisen mo doa wo shimete sayounara

Tabidachi no oto ga mado no mukou kara yonderu

Enjin no kuseshite baraado mitai ni setsunakute

Komatte shimau yo

Kitto kore kara tanoshii koto takusan aru yo

Taishite you ga nakutemo denwa shite tama ni wa guchitte waraouyo

Tooku ni iku kedo ichido mo wasuretari shinai yo

Tsurakutemo rarara utatte douka genki de mata aemasu you ni

Niwa no hashikko de itsudatte demukaete kureta kouyouju no

Hana ga saku no wa mirarenai mama

Dete iku koto ni natte shimatta

Yuuhi to kimi ni se wo mukete boku no mirai wa ugokidasu

Bakkumiraa ni utsuru machi me no oku ni yakitsuketa

Ironna keshiki wo misete kurete ureshikatta yo

Kondo wa boku ga miseru ban dakara ittekurunda yo

Kitaishiteiteyo

Kitto kore kara tanoshii koto takusan aru yo

Taishite you ga nakutemo denwa shite

Tama ni wa guchitte waraou yo

Suteki na omoide wo ima made hontou ni arigatou

Tooku kara demo todoku you ni Ooki na koe de utau yo

Rarara~

Tsurakutemo rarara utatte

Douka itsumademo genki de

---

In this life, how many times have I said "I'm going?"

As well as call out "see you later!"

Will today be the last time?

My room's become unusually tidy; please don't turn it into a storage room

Seeing Mt. Daisen from my window, I closed the door (and said) goodbye.

The sound symbolizing the start of my trip calls me from the other side of the window

The engine's (sound is) like a ballad - it's painful

It's become annoying

Surely, from now on, there will be more and lots of fun

Even if there's no reason, I'll call - let's laugh and complain (at each other) every once in a while

I'll be going far away, but never will I forget you - not even once

Even though it's hard, I'll sing lalala's Praying that you'll be lively/healthy/well when we meet again.

At the end of the garden, a broadleaf tree always greets me

I won't be able to see its flowers bloom

(Because) I had to leave

Facing away from you and the setting sun, my future (starts to) move (forward)

This town being reflected in the rearview mirror has been burned in my mind

Bringing me to see many sceneries, that made me so happy

(But) this time, it's my turn to let you see such sceneries, that's why I went away

Look forward to it

Surely, from now on, there will be more and lots of fun

Even if there's no reason, I'll call

Let's laugh and complain (at each other) every once in a while

I'm truly grateful for all the beautiful memories we had (until now)

Even though it'll come from far away, I'll sing in a loud voice, hoping this (song) will reach you

Lalala~

Even though it's painful, I'll sing lalala's

Hoping that you're always lively/healthy/well

---

Translator's notes:

Mt. Daisen - can literally be translated as "big mountain", but Mt. Daisen is actually a famous volcanic mountain in the Sanin region. Located in Satocchan and Chanmatsu's hometown, Tottori Prefecture. (pic from https://www.tottori-tour.jp/en/sightseeing/844/)

#Spotify #official hige dandism #official髭男dism #higedan #kiiroi kuruma #黄色い車

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maggielindemanns · 4 years

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all mixed up - an elu social media au

summary: it’s simple really - eliott meets a guy at the bar, that guy gives him a fake number, and that fake number just so happens to belong to lucas. the rest is history.

[EPILOGUE PART THREE]

[EPILOGUE PT 2 || BONUS]

taglist: @that-one-meh @a-french-disaster @fallout-of-my-chair @menamesniall @iamshannonmcfarland @yesyoutubeisruiningmylife @yackgrace @moschinobra @xomywonderwallox @jacwena @awake-dreamer18 @noritagrace @lost-inside-fantasy @myverybigmoodboard @ariavds @ididntgowithgrace @laurenkmyers @sunshineyou27 @nanidice @orangefizz4 @blanxkey @bodizzy @q-branchminion-nr43 @nova-on-standbi @boysrunaway @anothergayhpblog @mlhalbertt @valenschmidt @skamchokehold @mostlysh1tposting @lucassdemaury @oceanicinception @yellowballoon @fallinglikeafoolforyou @bluronyourradar @painfully-oblivious @alwayskissmeatnight @katzen-kinder @howlingsaturn @luxandobscurus @anotherplaceintheuniverse @aly-kazam @quint-cssential @rynnsama @vlm2002 @grey-mist-exist

[note: putting it up here w everything else bc this one is long so it’ll be under the cut and i am SORRY . this took so long i was not at my home and i have one lil baby bonus thing i wanna post (later), but i just wanna say another thank you to all of you, like...just finishing out the writing process of this universe today really put me through Emotions LMFAO but i really do just wanna thank you guys one last time for every single thing, the support and love i’ve gotten with this au has been nothing short of incredible and heart warming and honestly my whole world like cannot even express how much this au and you all mean to me so . sadly, here i am to do this 🥺 without further ado, the final part for amu, epilogue part 3 🥺💛]

JAN 11TH, 12:32 AM

Eliott couldn’t sleep. It was officially anniversary day, their six month anniversary, and rather than sleeping peacefully in Lucas’ arms, he was watching the slow and steady rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathed. Hair was falling onto his forehead and his eyelashes were casting a shadow onto his cheekbones, thanks to the soft white light of the streetlights peeking through the curtains. To Eliott, he looked nothing short of ethereal, but he always thought that about Lucas.

His thoughts were the very reason why he couldn’t sleep, however. School was starting up in a matter of days, graduation was around the corner, and he was yet to hear back from any internships he applied to last week while at his parents’ house with Lucas. The pressures of life to come were hitting him so very hard, and the timing was just not good.

“Why do you think so loud?” Lucas mumbled in that usual sleepy voice, the one that made Eliott want to hold him forever and never let him go. He opened his eyes when Eliott took too long to give an answer, and that made Eliott smile.

“Why do you listen so hard?” he countered, and Lucas tsked at him, starting to smile back.

“You’re an ass.” He reached over and touched Eliott’s face then, thumbing over his cheekbone and his lips. “Pretty though. What’s on your mind, Lartigue?”

“Too much.”

“Talk to me. I got time.”

“Remember all those internships I applied to with you?” he asked. Lucas nodded. “Nothing back so far. Graduation is in a matter of months. My senior year is going to end and I’m probably going to be stuck at the video club if no one gets back to me. I don’t want to stock DVDs and check things in and out forever, I wanna create and live life as a true starving artist.”

“Eli,” he sighed, “you will get something, don’t stress.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then...you’ll keep trying ‘til you do. And I’ll be with you every step of the way. Even if it takes years and we end up having to use twisty ties as wedding rings and live in your tiny college apartment forever, I’ll still support you and your dream. You deserve it, so.”

Eliott just smiled at him, feeling overwhelmed with the amount of love for the boy laying beside him. Lucas always seemed to know what to say to make him feel better and put a halt to the quick spiraling of his thoughts. His gaze was unwavering and his eyes were bright as he scooted closer to Eliott until they were basically nose to nose.

“I love you,” was all Eliott could think to say. Lucas’ face softened and he kissed Eliott’s nose, feeling like ‘I love you’ back wasn’t sufficient for what he felt for Eliott. Of course, six months didn’t seem like a long time, but to Lucas, it felt like a lifetime of loving Eliott. Of learning everything about him, including what he needs to hear in times like this. And he really did love him more than anything.

“I love you too. More than you know, Demaury. Let’s sleep, yeah?” Eliott nodded at that and Lucas turned over, Eliott snuggling close and pressing a kiss to Lucas’ shoulder.

“Twisty ties,” Eliott whispered, and Lucas simply closed his eyes.

“Shut up.”

•••••

JAN 11TH, 11:54 PM

“This tastes like fizzy glitter water, Eliott,” Lucas laughed, and Eliott laughed even harder, almost spilling his own glass of cheap champagne. They decided to save the drinks for home after spending the night out at dinner so they could come back to Eliott’s together, the rest of their night spent drunk on cheap champagne and wrapped up in each other.

“It is champagne, stop. Glittery because it’s...the shimmers of our love in it.”

“What are you even saying right now?” Lucas asked him, and he shrugged, downing the rest of his glass and pouring another.

“I don’t know, baby. But I do know this - I love you so fucking much, happy six months.”

“À ce soir,” Lucas said, smiling and holding up his glass. Eliott clinked his glass against Lucas’ and they sipped, smiling at each other like goons. Lucas felt warm and happier than ever honestly. Warm, happy, and so very in love.

About an hour after that, it was almost midnight. Lucas felt thoroughly blissed out after being loved on like he just was, still feeling phantom sensations on his hips, thighs, and face where Eliott grabbed on him the most. He shut his eyes for a second, feeling like he still was catching his breath, and he could feel Eliott staring at him without even looking to confirm.

“Why are you staring at me?” Lucas mumbled, and Eliott laughed, shifting next to him and putting his finger on what most likely was some kind of bruise starting to form along his jaw. The thought combined with his touch sent a chill down his spine.

“Because you’re beautiful.”

“You’re corny, be quiet now.”

Eliott chuckled as he shifted some more beside him, laying on his back, and they did indeed sit in a comfortable silence for a bit before either of them said anything.

“Let’s do this forever, Lu,” Eliott spoke quietly. “Maybe you should just move in with me, like...for real.”

Lucas opened his eyes at that, turning his head to find Eliott looking up at his ceiling, blinking slow. He searched his face for any sign of it being a joke at all or if he was going to continue saying anything else, but he didn’t.

“I’ll consider it. Okay?” Eliott started grinning at that and gave him a short nod.

“Okay.”

••••••

JAN 18TH, 6:52 AM

To say Eliott was nervous about today was an understatement. He didn’t have class for another three hours, and yet he couldn’t get himself to go back to sleep now that he was up. He decided to quietly and carefully slip away from Lucas, who was with him more often than not these days, and go take a long shower to just...think.

He’d been standing in the shower for quite some time, how long exactly he wasn’t sure. The plan was to stand here until it got cold or something and try to not look like he’s thinking about everything under the sun before he went back to Lucas in his room.

When he did make it back to his room, a towel around his waist, he saw that Lucas was actually gone. His side of the bed was made up and the only trace that he was even here was the fact that his drawer was slightly open and a t-shirt was half pulled out of it. That, and the note left on the bed, and Eliott grabbed for it as soon as he noticed it, beginning to read.

eli,

i had class at 9:05 and it’s day one, so i didn’t wanna be late. i’m sorry to just leave this note :( i love you though. i know the last few days have been a little hard for you, but take it easy today, okay? you’re brilliant and whatever needs to get done will get done. i know it. don’t stress. make that your mantra or something.

i made toast and eggs, both in the kitchen. eggs might be cold by the time you read this, but still better than the ‘UOD’ you made me way back when.

i love you, and good luck today. <3

-L

p.s. don't go looking for your brown jacket i stole it bc it’s cold <3

Eliott first looked to his closet, seeing that it was indeed open and a hanger was peeking out, as if he ripped the jacket off of it in his rush to go. The thought made Eliott smile, and he grabbed his phone before making his way to the kitchen to eat, his only thoughts now being how much he loved this boy and always would.

•••••••

JUNE 21ST, 4:33 PM

“Just need a height on Demaury and then we’re done,” Sof told them, filling in for Eliott’s wingspan on the cap and gown sheet.

Lucas had been going around him with a tape measure for the last 45 minutes, debating with Sof and Yann about numbers not sounding right. When Sofiane kept asking ‘well, whose best friend is this?’, Lucas always countered with ‘whose boyfriend is this?’ as if that made him more correct than anyone, and Eliott couldn’t help but smile. In the end, they got it done though, and Eliott was now holding the top of the tape measure for Lucas while he brought it to the floor, looking up at him once he got a measurement.

“What?” Eliott asked. “I was 181 centimeters last time I did this, did I shrink?”

“Nope. 183. A whole two centimeters taller.” Lucas stood back up and booped him on the nose, making him roll his eyes.

“Aw, he’s growing so big and strong, how cute,” Yann teased, and Sofiane laughed, shoving his shoulder and telling him to stop. Lucas wound the tape measure back up with the push of a button then, throwing it at Yann after.

“Can’t believe you losers are graduating next month,” Yann mentioned casually. Sofiane and Eliott looked at each other, seeming a bit sad about the idea, and Lucas gave Yann a look that screamed ‘fix it, now’. “But, you know, you guys will be great adults, obviously. You’re great,” he added hesitantly, “I’ll miss you guys.”

“Yann, just stop talking now,” Lucas sighed, making Sofiane laugh. Eliott just smiled, hugging Lucas from behind and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll miss you too, Yann-y boy,” Sofiane teased, pinching his cheek. Yann pushed his hand away, mumbling about hating that Sof called him that.

“Me too,” Eliott agreed before looking at Lucas. “I’d say you too, but I see you all the time.”

“And that won’t change.”

“Ew, please don’t be gross in front of us,” Sofiane groaned, and Eliott started kissing his cheek repeatedly just to be annoying, making Lucas laugh as he accepted the love.

Lucas didn’t say it, but he was going to miss all of this too. And he couldn’t believe he only had not even a month left of this either.

••••••

•••••••

JULY 11TH, 8:46 PM

“Yours looks better than mine,” Lucas pouted, and Eliott looked at him unamused.

“Lucas, this is my degree.”

Lucas flicked paint off his paintbrush at him and Eliott flinched just a little, starting to laugh. They decided to spend the night in for their anniversary, following a Bob Ross tutorial on some of Eliott’s unused canvases together. Some candles were still burning from their candlelit Chinese takeout dinner they shared, and they were using Eliott’s TV to play the tutorial on. It was all fun and games until Lucas looked over and saw that Eliott’s was like a perfect replica of what was onscreen.

“This is my degree,” Lucas mocked, and Eliott gave him a look before pausing the video. Lucas started laughing and leaned over to press a kiss to his bare shoulder. He then looked at him, not saying anything.

“What now?” Eliott asked, feigning exasperation. Lucas dropped his paintbrush into their jar of water and turned to face him, hugging his knees to his chest. “Uh oh, am I in trouble?”

“Why would you be in trouble, no. I just. I considered.”

“Marriage or the moving thing?” Eliott teased, and Lucas smacked his arm gently.

“The moving thing, idiot. You’re not funny.”

“What’s the verdict, Lallemant?”

“I...guess you can call me your roommate. I’ll move in. The answer’s yes.”

Eliott got visibly excited and immediately got up in lieu of giving an actual response, walking away to his room, and Lucas was beyond confused.

“Eli?” he called out, “where are you going? This is the part where you shower me with kisses and you tell me we’re gonna bang on every surface to celebrate!”

“Wait, wait, wait!”

“That was a joke, Eliott.”

He came running back in and sat in front of Lucas once again, putting a small, maroon box in his hands. A spike of panic rose in Lucas, feeling like he knew what this was.

“Eliott, I love you, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be a husband yet…” he told him, his voice gentle. Eliott started laughing right in his face, and Lucas’ whole demeanor changed. “Fuck you, why are you laughing?”

“No, it’s not funny, baby, I’m sorry—“

“It’s not funny, yet you’re laughing at me.”

“No! Lucas, just. Open it, please.”

Lucas was giving him a dirty look as he opened the box, and when he saw what it was, his face softened again.

“This is...this is for here, isn’t it?”

“This is a key for here, yeah. I was gonna bring it up to you later and give it to you as your gift, but you just kind of beat me to it so I’m giving it to you now. If you want a custom one, I’ll get it for you if you hate it, but I just want you to have keys for what is now ours,” Eliott rambled. “Well, it’s always felt like ours to me, but—“

“Eliott,” Lucas interrupted, looking at him. Eliott took a deep breath and Lucas scooted closer to Eliott, kissing him just once before looking in his eyes. “I love you. It’s perfect, everything. Especially you. Thank you.”

“And I love you.”

•••••••

#skam france #elu #elu social media au #elu fic #elu au #lucas x eliott #my fic #skamfr #skamfr fic #skamfrfic #amu #i never post at this time but i needed this out into the universe asap LMAO

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viscountessevie · 3 years

Text

To Lady Paige, With Love [Part 2]

Main Pairing: Eloise Bridgerton x FemOC! Paige Crane [Reference to Past! Marina Thompson x Paige Crane]

Series Summary: A WLW Rewrite of To Sir Phillip, With Love - featuring my OC Paige Crane, Phillip's twin sister. What happens when Eloise Bridgerton writes to Phillip after the death of his wife but her letter gets intercepted by his twin sister who loved more Marina than he ever did?

Chapter Summary: After corresponding with Eloise for over a year using her brother's name, Paige is mourning Marina's first death anniversary. All Paige wanted was some peace and quiet but little does she know, she's in for a rude awakening

Trigger Warnings: Grief, Brief Mentions of Previous Death/Suicide Attempt, Depression & Anxiety

Part 1 - Prologue: Take Me To The Lakes

Chapter 1: Right Where You Left Me [February 1823]

5:48pm. That time would haunt Paige for the rest of her life.

'Time of death: 5:48pm.' the doctor had said. The moment Marina was officially pronounced dead, Paige screamed. She could still hear the echoes of her own scream every night she spent in Marina's room, sobbing herself to sleep. It had been a month since she died. Paige truly understood what Marina felt and went through.

The grief, pain and sadness was all consuming. She was drowning in her own emotions. It made her want to throw herself into the lake and join Marina. At least drowning in the lake was tangible. It was a tangible way to match the melancholy she was feeling. Through the pain, Paige had learnt that when people take their lives, they don't get rid of the melancholy, they simply pass it on. Paige had become a victim of Marina's pain being passed onto her.

She knew that everyone was dealing with the loss on their own but she was just so angry with Phillip and the children and even the staff. Pretending like Marina was never there. The worst part is, she couldn't fault them for it. Marina wasn't there, at least not mentally present. The last month has eased off her anger. She nearly bit Phillip's head off when he came back from his business trip the day before she passed.

"You should have been here! I may love her but she's still your wife!"

"I had a very important specimen to pick up, you know that, Paige." He said gruffly. She was so sick and tired of him using his experiments as an excuse to neglect his family.

"I know that!" She snapped at him, "These trips are getting ridiculous. You can't keep using them to run away from your responsibilities. You made a commitment to her and your children. You completely abandoned them!" Her voice cracked with anger. Now Phillip was getting frustrated with her and snapped back at his twin.

"Do you think I wanted to carry those burdens? I had no choice in the matter! I had to be the one to clean up the mess George left behind!"

She stepped back at her brother's outburst. He never yelled. He refused to be their father. She knew she had crossed the line. She softened her expression.

"I shouldn't have yelled, I apologise. But so help me God, you will not repeat that to her or the children. They are our family, Phillip, 'not a mess George left behind." Her voice was low, laced with a cold fury.

"She's resting now but you should go see her. I'll give you two some privacy." Paige made her suggestion sound like a demand. There was absolutely no reason why he should neglect his duties as a husband now. She wasn't going to let him off the hook for it. She quickly slipped into the room to kiss Marina's forehead. She allowed Philip in and headed off to tend to the children.

Then there was that dreadful conversation where Amanda openly admitted that she was glad her mother was gone. Paige knew on an intellectual level that's not what Amanda had meant. She meant she was happy her mother was happy even if it meant she was gone. But emotionally, it destroyed Paige to hear that.

It was exhausting to feel like the only one who truly cared for Marina. She had all these emotions welled up inside her, screaming to be let out. Yet she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone. The children played and carried on as per normal. While Phillip had stopped taking his trips to avoid the children, he has hidden away in the Greenhouse more often. He refuses to talk about her. What else could she expect from her twin who represses the slightest hint of human emotion. God forbid he let himself feel sad.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that everyone processed grief in different ways. She needed something to get her mind off things. On cue, Miles came in to deliver the mail. She gestured for him to hand them over and he took his leave.

She flipped through the envelopes, none addressed to her. Of course no one would write to her and the only person who would, died. She was about to put down the pile when a name jumped out at her.

From: Eloise Bridgerton No. 5, Bruton Street London

She remembered Eloise like it was yesterday. They spent some time together during their first season. She came as a package deal with Penelope Featherington. So when Marina had struck up a friendship with Penelope, Paige found herself spending a lot of time with the two of them. The four of them were quite the formidable group during that first season. Paige remembered how many suitors Marina had received. Unable to deal with her jealousy in a healthy manner, she did what she did best, ran away from her emotions. She poured herself into a friendship with Eloise. Somewhere along the way, she had developed feelings for the clever Bridgerton. She recalled how she did her best to repress those feelings. Even though at the time, Marina and her were nowhere close to courtship, Paige still felt like she was being unfaithful to her.

There was just something about Eloise that had drawn Paige to her.

She shook her head rather violently, as if trying to shake those memories away. How could she be thinking of that when she's supposed to be grieving Marina? She set down the letter, leaving it for Phillip to read it later when he finally comes out of hiding.

She stood up to head to Marina's room to mope. It almost seemed like she had taken Marina's place as the Romney Hall's living ghost. What was the point in living your life when the person you wanted to spend it with was gone?

But rising questions about Eloise's letter stopped her. For one, why was it addressed to Phillip rather than her? She knew it had been well over a decade, but had Eloise forgotten her already?

Her plan to mope for the day had been abandoned and she picked up Eloise's letter once again. She picked up the letter opener and impulsively ripped it open.

Sir Phillip Crane —

I am writing to express my condolences on the loss of your wife, my dear friend Marina, I remember her fondly and was deeply saddened to hear of her passing .

Please do not hesitate to write if there is anything I can do to ease your pain at this difficult time .

Yrs,

Miss Eloise Bridgerton

***

Oh. She was just as lovely as Paige remembered her. This was too kind of a letter to delay it's response. Paige went to her room and sat at her desk. She pulled out her stationary kit and fetched herself some parchment and a quill. She quickly penned down a response.

Dear Eloise —

I hope you remember me from your first season. Marina was a dear friend to me as well and I thank you for your kind note on behalf of Marina. It was thoughtful of you to write asking after us.

I offer you this flower attached as thanks. It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet.

Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

Sincerely -

She stopped short before she signed it off with her name. She had finally stepped out of her moment of impulsivity. Insanity more like, she thought to herself. She felt awful for invading Eloise and - by extension - Phillip's privacy.

She couldn't send this! How was she going to explain it?

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

I am absolutely mad and stole my brother's mail because I used to fancy you when we first debuted together in our first season.

Yours Sincerely, Paige Crane

That would certainly go over well. She would be lucky not to be locked up. She stared at her original letter and ripped it up. She detested the thought of Phillip striking up a friendship with Eloise. Deep down she knew if he became as enamoured with her as she once was, he'd make her his wife. It might have only been a month but she knew her brother. He needed a mother and wife for the children. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was already planning to look for one.

He had already taken Marina from her. As twins, they grew up sharing everything, starting from the womb. Everywhere Paige went, Phillip was there. They even had parallel careers. She just wanted this one person to herself. It was selfish she knew but she wanted to keep her London past for herself. Even if it meant never letting Phillip see the letter and responding on her own.

She rewrote another note without a second thought:

Dear Miss Bridgerton,

Thank you for your kind note on behalf of my wife. It was thoughtful of you to take the time to write to a gentleman you have never met. I offer you this full bloom flower as thanks.

It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet. Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

When it came to signing off, she hesitated for a moment at her dishonesty. Then the anger of having lost most of her life and identity to Phillip came up. That was motivation enough for her to scribble the last line of the letter:

Sincerely, Sir Phillip Crane.

***

Letter Correspondence From March 1823 to March 1824 Between Paige Crane & Eloise Bridgerton

Dear Sir Phillip -

Thank you so very much for the charming flower. It was such a lovely surprise when it came attached to the envelope. And such a precious memento of dear Marina, as well .

I could not help but notice your facility with the flower's scientific name and seemed to be knowledgeable about its properties. Are you a botanist?

Yours, Miss Eloise Bridgerton

Eloise’s response had come quite quickly in a week. It was no easy feat hiding the letters from Phillip. He was the Lord of the house after all. Paige was lucky enough to have a friend in Miles. She had been the one to stop Phillip from being let go. She had named him her personal assistant instead. She coyly asked Miles for a favour and requested that all of Eloise’s letters be directed to her. He looked at her with utter confusion when she asked.

“Whatever are you up to, Miss Crane?”

“Miles, you know you can call me Paige. We are friends, aren’t we?” She had a mischievous shine in her eye that told him she was up to something.

“I suppose… that doesn’t answer my question, Paige.” He said her name pointedly. She chuckled at him, he was hilarious. She knew she made the right choice keeping him employed.

“Friends trust each other. I promise I will tell you everything down the line.” She shot him a look of promise. That fixed the issue of being found out was solved easily. All she had to do now was enjoy the correspondence.

She still had not been able to break her habit of crying herself to sleep in Marina’s room every night, but these letters took her mind off the grief momentarily. She couldn’t thank Eloise Bridgerton enough for that. She read back Eloise’s response and grinned. Eloise was as charming and eloquent as always. She was clever enough to pick out Paige's interest in plants just by her rambles. Paige also noticed how Eloise was clever enough to end her letter with a question. What a sneaky lady, now Paige had to reply. Not that she was complaining. She was rather happy to have revived this old connection.

She pulled out her stationary and penned her reply. She stuck close to the truth while using Phillip's qualifications. Just because she wasn't allowed a formal education at Cambridge didn't make her any less knowledgeable than her twin. She devoured his textbooks during his University days. She most likely would have beat him to an honours degree in Botany had the fairer sex been allowed to study in Universities.

She followed Eloise's lead and ended her letter with a question as well. She vaguely remembered Eloise’s interest in humanities but she wanted it confirmed from the lady herself.

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

Indeed I am a botanist, trained at Cambridge, although I am not currently connected with any university or scientific board. I maintain my own garden at Romney Hall, in my greenhouse. Are you of a scientific bent as well?

Yours , Sir Phillip Crane

The reply came another week later. She smiled at being correct in her assumption. They started going back and forth every week, until a year had passed.

Dear Sir Phillip —

Heavens, no, I have not the scientific mind, I'm afraid, although I do have a fair head for sums. My interests lie more in the humanities; you may have noticed that I enjoy penning letters .

Yours in friendship,

Eloise Bridgerton

My dear Miss Bridgerton —

Ah, but it is a sort of friendship, isn't it? I confess to a certain measure of isolation here in the country, and if one cannot have a smiling face across one's breakfast table, then one might at least have an amiable letter, don't you agree?

I have enclosed another flower and a book for you. This flower is Centaurea cyanus, more commonly known as the cornflower. They are a personal favourite of mine, especially for its vibrance in colour. They are actually grown as a weed in cornfields, hence where it derives its common name from. Quite beautiful for a weed, wouldn’t you agree?

As for the book, I would like to share a piece of my literary heart with you. You will find a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein in the package. I regard it as a brilliantly complex novel that tackles the existential questions of creating life in such an nuanced manner. I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

With great regard, Phillip Crane

Even though it was a friendly exchange of letters, Paige considered sharing her favourite flower and novel a way of elevating the friendship. They were a part of her identity. A part that she was willingly giving away to another to cherish and hold. It was a big step for her and that terrified her. She was scared of developing feelings for someone else. She could not bear to go through it again.

She knew no sane woman - despite being a child of Sappho - would give up the security of a husband and run off with another woman. Most of the sapphic women Paige knew were far too caught up in the social norms to ever step out of their comfort zone into a realm of possibilities of a free life with her. She knew she got lucky with Marina and that Phillip didn’t care enough for Marina to be bothered with their love affair. He also loved his sister enough to be happy with his wife, even if he didn’t understand how she could love a person who seemed to be made of sadness. Paige knew he never understood, but he didn’t have to. Marina and her understood each other and that’s all that truly mattered until the end.

While Eloise has never stated whether she felt that way about women, she did seem like a child of Sappho. The way she had interacted with potential suitors during that first season, or rather the way she didn’t. She hid away from every suitor that came her way. At times, she would pull Paige away to the lemonade table to avoid them, whenever Penelope was too busy dancing with Colin. The way she scoffed at marriage. She just seemed content in her independence. Paige had admired that about her.

As always her next letter did not disappoint:

Dear Sir Phillip —

Thank you for the book and flower, I truly appreciated them. I have always found sharing books recommendations with companions is like giving them a piece of yourself. So I thank you again, for gifting me a piece of yourself. I promise to cherish it.

And I have read Frankenstein before! It truly is one of its kind. I could go on for hours on end about how much I love this book and how brilliantly crafted it is. Perhaps, should we ever meet, we could discuss it over tea one day.

The cornflower was wonderful, thank you. I do love how it seems to shine a brighter blue in the sunlight. I think it might be my favourite flower as well.

Yours, Eloise Bridgerton.

A dreamy sigh escaped Paige’s lips as she drank in Eloise’s latest words. Paige had never felt more seen and understood. Eloise expressed the sentiment of Paige’s intent with the book and flower exactly. Paige might have used her brother’s name, but she knew in her heart Eloise knew her - even if it was not by her given name. She found the line about meeting and discussing the novel over tea, a rather bold choice. Was Eloise inviting her to tea?

She sighed when the sobering truth hit her. Eloise wasn’t inviting her. She was inviting her brother. She knew what she had to do - politely shut her down.

Dearest Miss Bridgerton —

You took the words right out of my quill. Those were my exact intentions when I thought of sending my favourite flower and book over to you. I am very much honoured that you cherish an important part of myself. I truly appreciate it. Truth be told, I appreciate you and our friendship.

Perhaps, one day. Tea does sound lovely.

What mischief have you been causing as of late? I am always excited to read your recounts of your daily adventures.

Yours as always, Phillip Crane. * Over the next few months simply flew by for Paige, the letters giving her a reprieve from her grief. They talked about anything and everything under the sun. She learned everything there is to know about Eloise Bridgerton. They exchanged childhood stories, more books between the two of them - Paige found out that Eloise’s guilty pleasure was Jane Austen’s romance novels - and held full conversations of various academic subjects. Her most prized possession was Eloise’s old copy of Persuasion filled with Eloise’s notes and thoughts on the book. Paige’s heart soared the moment she received it. It was Eloise’s version of giving Paige a piece of herself. She hadn’t read Persuasion before so she was glad for the recommendation. The botanist couldn’t help but laugh as she read the novel. Anne and Captain Wentworth’s story seemed to mirror hers. Their 7 year separation felt rather familiar to having not seen Eloise since their first season.

Before she knew it, a year had passed. She was startled when she saw the calendar on her desk when penning her latest letter to Eloise. 14th February 1824. It was the day Marina attempted to kill herself a year ago. Tomorrow would be a year since Marina’s last good day. And two days from now, on 17th February 1824, Paige would have to be met with the sobering reality of Marina’s death anniversary.

The holidays had been hard as it could be. The empty chair Marina had previously occupied was staring at Paige while her family carried on with their jovial Christmas dinner. She couldn’t understand how they could simply get on with their lives while she felt like a piece of her was missing. Yes, Marina was not much for festivities but sitting beside her and enjoying the food they cooked together was the highlight of Christmas. It was the only time Marina felt well enough to help Paige prepare the feast.

Marina’s birthday had been the hardest to deal with of course. She would have been twenty and eight then. Paige visits Marina's grave at least once a week. It calms and soothes her intense moments of grief. Sitting by the grave on Marina's birthday was a new kind of pain. Knowing that she was taken from the world far too early. Knowing that she should have been there right beside Paige. It was the hardest Paige had cried since Marina had died.

She had no idea how she was going to deal with her death anniversary.

She just knew she needed time to herself. She looked down at the letter she was going to write and found big splashes of tears all over the parchment.

"Blast it!" She cursed and crushed the paper, tossing it into a nearby bin. She was furious with herself for forgetting. For allowing herself to be happy when she didn’t deserve it. She wiped her tears angrily and quickly scribbled one last letter to Eloise.

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

These letters have brought me such comfort over a very difficult year. I cannot thank you enough for it, Eloise Bridgerton.

I do regret to inform you, I would like to pause these letters for the month. I require some time to process and mourn Marina's first death anniversary. I'm sure you can understand it will be a rather difficult time.

Thank you for understanding and do take care, Miss Bridgerton.

Yours, Phillip Crane

Paige could barely get through the letter without feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for abandoning Eloise so abruptly. Feeling guilty for using her as a distraction from her grief over Marina. Most of all, she hated how she can't seem to remember the smallest things about Marina. She was forgetting her love's memory and it was driving her mad. She tried her best to conjure up how she smelled, the sound of her voice, how she was. Paige found the little details escaping her. Memories slipping through her fingers. She detested this. She didn't know how she had gotten to this point.

She had allowed her corresponding flirtation with Eloise to soothe her pain. But her pain was the one thing she had left of Marina. Letting it go meant letting go of Marina. Paige absolutely refused to do that. If she forgot Marina, there was no one else to keep her memory alive. Phillip and the children certainly didn't care for it. Marina would be lost to history.

After delivering the letter to Miles to be mailed out, Paige found herself in Marina's room. She laid on her bed, aimlessly and feeling vacant. She was sure if someone walked in they might mistake her for Marina herself. Paige felt her melancholy creeping up her throat. It threatened to choke her, snuffing all the light out. She sat up and tried to breathe. She was feeling an unusual amount of panic rising within her.

She got out of bed and looked out the window. The lake was in perfect view. Of course, that’s where Marina had gotten the idea, She thought to herself bitterly. She looked up at the sky, imagining her lover was up there somewhere happier. Somewhere calmer, where she had found peace.

“I’m right where you left me, Rina.” She whispered softly. It had been a while since she spoke out loud to Marina but it had brought her so much comfort in the early days of dealing with the grief. For a moment, she could pretend Marina was still there. Then she didn’t have to deal with the all consuming guilt and loneliness that came with losing the love of her life.

Marina might have been the one who died but Paige felt like the ghost. Spending most of her days in Marina's room, sitting still in a corner, almost like she was the one haunting it. She heard what the staff said. Something along the lines of, "What a pitiful sight." And "She deserves better than to replace Lady Marina's disposition." They were valid in their concerns but Paige couldn't care less. This was the way she knew how to grieve and mourn and she'll be damned before she lets anyone dictate the way she feels.

Looking into the reflection of the lake from the window, she could still remember the day Marina walked into the lake. It was terrifying how crystal clear the memory was. It felt like she was frozen in time - forever cursed to be twenty and seven - forced to relive the last few days of Marina's days. The memory of her walking into the lake, Paige having to rescue her, staying by her side the next three days and the moment she died. They swirled around Paige's mind constantly. It was particularly worse since it had been a year.

She was paralysed, unable to find the will to do anything else. So she went back to bed. She sat there, silent and frozen in time. The servants walked past all day to ask her if she was alright. She barely managed a nod.

She swore she could hear a hair pin drop at how silent everything was. Deep down she knew her life stopped the moment Marina had died. Eloise's letters may have made her feel like she could move forward. However, the gaping hole in her heart today proved otherwise.

Everybody moved on. She couldn't. So she settled and stayed there, dust collecting on her pinned-up hair. She knew everyone expected her to find a new purpose or a fresh start. She could have tended to her own garden like Phillip was doing in his Greenhouse on this day.

Yet all she found the energy to do was sit and stare out at the lake. She stayed right there for the next two days. She just wanted the next worst few days of her life to pass her by so she would not have to deal with them. Just until the 17th had passed.

Of course as the saying goes, there is no rest for the wicked. All Paige wanted on the 17th of February was some peace but little did she know, a certain Bridgerton would be making their way to Romney Hall.

It started out like any other day. Except for the Crane household, there was a somber remembrance of Marina’s first death anniversary. Paige was relieved that she didn’t have to share the burden alone and that her brother had the decency to acknowledge it. He didn’t bother reminding the children but they were young so she let it slide.

Since the staff had honoured her request of being left alone, around noon Paige dragged herself out of bed to get herself some lunch. Marina would have wanted her to mourn respectfully, not join her up wherever she may be. Paige was on her way back to her room after picking up her meal of roasted mutton with rice and gravy - Marina’s favourite dish - when she overheard a curious conversation between Gunning and her brother.

"Sir Phillip," Gunning said, clearing his throat. "We have a caller." "A caller?" Phillip echoed. "Was that the source of the, ah..." "Noise?" Gunning supplied helpfully. "Yes." "No." The butler cleared his throat. "That would have been your children." "I see," Phillip murmured. "How silly of me to have hoped otherwise." "I don't believe they broke anything, sir." "That's a relief and a change." "Indeed, sir, but there is the caller to consider."

Phillip groaned and Paige immediately knew what he was thinking. Romney Hall hadn’t received callers in years. He was probably wondering who on earth would be calling on this day of all days. Paige didn’t think much of it until she passed the front door on her way up to her room when she spotted a familiar face on the other side of the door.

Eloise Bridgerton.

What in the devil was she doing here?! Paige mentally screamed to herself. Gunning and Phillip’s conversation had faded to the background, drowned out by the mental grind of Paige’s mind. She snapped out of her melancholy and had to come up with a way to cover up the consequences of her actions. Just when she needed it, Miles walked past her. She immediately grabbed him. He looked surprised and a little violated if you asked him.

“Miss Crane! What on earth?” “Miles, how many times must I repeat myself? Paige is perfectly fine. I apologise for grabbing you, I am in need of your service.” She said guiltily, looking over at the front door.

He gave her a curious look, “What did you do now, Paige?” He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

She shot him a glare, “I would snap at you for that but you are quite right to ask. I think one of my letters to Miss Bridgerton might have been misinterpreted as an invitation to come over to Romney Hall.” She gave him such a pitiful pleading look, he had to help her.

“How can I be of service, Miss - Paige?” He corrected himself the moment Paige shot him a murderous look. “I need a plan. If the truth comes out, neither of them will forgive me.”

Miles had never seen her so panicked and scared before. For someone who detests her brother, she really did love him. Her blooming feelings for Miss Bridgerton had become apparent over the last few months. He gave himself a moment to think of a plan.

"Yes, sir. She's here to see you, after all." They both heard Gunning say to Phillip.

Paige looked at Miles with wide eyes. They had officially run out of time. This was sealed by the sounds of Phillip’s footsteps making their way to the corridor Paige and Miles were hatching a plan in. Before Paige could push Miles to distract him, her dear brother had brushed past them and opened the door. She cursed to herself and watched helplessly as the two strangers who had technically never met interacted. She made her way to stand quietly behind her brother, listening to every word. Paige's heart nearly stopped when she heard Eloise's voice after all these years.

"Sir Phillip?"

#Bridgerton #TSPWL Rewrite #Bridgerton AU #Bridgerton fanfiction #OC: Paige Crane #Marina Thompson #Eloise Bridgerton #Paige Crane #Phillip Crane #TW Grief #TW Mention of Death #TW Mention of Suicide Attempt #TW Depression #TW Anxiety #Spotify

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xnchxntmxnt · 3 years

Note

Hey this is for your matchups which again yayyy congrats on nearly 200!! Anyways for my matchup:

1-3) My nickname is Em, she/her and idm who you pair me with

4) I'd describe myself as shy at first then once you get to know me I'll open up, an overthinker and I like to be organized

My hobbies are writing, I really love it alot, I also like to draw if I get time and I love music alot too

In a partner I'd look for someone who makes me laugh and who's patient

For dealbreakers it's pretty general but I couldn't be with someone who doesn't consider other ppl's feelings

5) I don't have an aesthetic but I like pastel aesthetics but then I also like dark aesthetics and light academia so it's a mix I guess

6) Colours to describe me would be teal blue and silver, well according to you anyways

7) Right now I'd say my favourite song is Tru Luv Street by Awfultune or Fight Night Champion by Cyberbully Mom Club

8) Idk about a specific genre but some artists I like rn are: Awfultune, Carpetgarden, Cavetown, Clem Turner, Cyberbully Mom Club, Girl in Red, Joji, Lorde, Matt Maltese and Twenty One Pilots (sorry that's alot)

9) Ooh and I wanted to include that my favourite book is Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Thank you in advance and also ily, you deserve all the love and more!! <3

EM MY BELOVED I HAVE DONE IT

@sugasfanfics this was so fun wtf like-- ugh i love this

ANYWAY i know i already kinda spilled the beans but im gonna match you with....

✧𝐴𝑘𝑎𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 𝐾𝑒𝑖𝑗𝑖✧

AGASHIII

and no it's not just because you're already in love w him i have good reasoning behind this because i said so anyWAY

✧𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡✧

how you met, for in case you cant see my fancy text

Cafe

C a f e

But like

A cafe specifically for nerds

This is just my like 2nd dream job okay but like hear me out

They have coffee & tea & a bookshelf full of old books and a chalkboard

You can write all over the chalkboard

You write super tiny and just let a little mini vent out in the corner because you’re stressed out and need to get everything off your chest

BUT you come back the next day and there’s a little note in the same little corner

Your message is gone

But instead is a little note from someone

“If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know”

And an Instagram username

So you give it a shot and you’re like why not talk to this random person Y’know maybe make a new friend if anything just thank them for the offer

You message him and start talking (and low key stalk his page just to see what he’s like, or maybe that’s just me being a snoop) and he’s actually really cool! So you guys meet up and get coffee and actually start talking all the time it’s really sweet

✧𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠✧

general headcanons

When i think of akaashi, I think of stars

When i think of you, i think of picnics and for some reason, water

Like the ocean

SO EVEN IF ITS NOT THE OCEAN

Your ‘spot’ is by this lake where he took you on a date one time

Maybe for an anniversary or something

But you guys did a little picnic dinner thing and were out when the sun went down so sat and stared at the stars

You buried a rock there and both of you like to stand on that spot where the rock is when youre there with the other

Or send the other a picture like “hiii baby look what i found” w your shoe in the picture

Bokuto is your #1 shipper high key

Like he thinks you two are so cute

He loves you so much too like

He and akaashi are kinda a package deal so like if ur dating akaashi ur dating bokuto just with less kissing (bokuto likes to kiss your cheek or forehead) (after making sure this was ok with akaashi of course) (ur his girlfriend of course)

But anyway just bokuto

He’s so sweet

And so clueless

You two will be walking together and then he’ll just walk up behind you and sling his arms over your shoulders

If youre holding hands w akaashi? He’ll put his hand over both of yours

God now i wanna write a fic but anyway

Bo is just the sweetest and is akaashi’s #1 hype man when he’s worried about a date

He’s ur #2 bc im ur #1 sorry to tell u

Bo totally tried to coin the platonic soulmates thing i love you kou but gtfo my em

Im arguing with fictional characters

ANYWAY

When akaashi is stressed he likes to wrap his arms around you and lay his head against your neck

He’ll never admit it out loud because he thinks its weird but he thinks you smell nice

When he’s starting to overthink too much + spiral he just will grab you and hug you until all the bad thoughts go away

When he thinks to of course

When he doesn’t, there are times you gotta find him and calm him down

Which he loves so much

Sit him down on the floor so he feels more grounded and hold his hand (or hook pinkies that's so cute i jhbflebf) (not the time spencer gtfo)

That way ur not crowding him but you’re still there y'know

And sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes you need to talk him down, sometimes you just sit in silence

Eventually he will lean forward into you and hug you because he doesn't want to talk, but he wants you to know he’s okay

Rub his back, kiss his head, you’ll both be okay

He’s really good with you too

When you’re stressed out he might push a couple buttons but he means well

He just wants to know who made his star upset (he calls you his star or darling convince me otherwise)

So he pushes buttons until you finally talk about it because obviously it’s bothering you why wouldn't you talk about it?? He just wants to fix it??

Sometimes this gets more irritating, sometimes it helps, it depends on the day

But even if you do get into an argument, expect to hear from him before the end of the night apologizing because he feels so bad for arguing with you that he doesn’t even care what the argument was about he just wants to make sure you still love him

I think im getting off topic but tbh this part is always just me rambling lol

Another thing I think of when I think of akaashi is rain. I don't know why but i do

You have to at least know OF the notebook & the rain scene to get this

I don't know the book lol i just know this much and i'm a dork so we’re using it & some quotes just a heads up

But just imagine its pouring and you’re bored and text him like “i wish i could see you but its raining & we didn't really make plans & i don't want you to get caught in the rain anywhere”

This mfer

RUNS ALL THE WAY TO UR HOUSE

JUST SHOWS UP

OUT OF NO WHERE

And being the freakin

book nerd he is

He texts you and goes “I wrote you 365 letters.”

And then just “(come to the door and I’ll finish the quote)”

So you bolt to the front door

And there he is

Soaking wet & smiling like an idiot

“I wrote to you everyday for a year.”

To which you start laughing and barley are able to make out a “it wasn’t over’ (which is the beginning of the next quote) before kissing him

And this jerk pulls you out in the rain with him because WHAT is more romantic than kissing in the rain

Nothing

Anyway he ends up with a cold but you give him some of the clothes you probably stole from him to get into dry clothes and you cuddle under the covers with tea

After you smack him (playfully of course) because “you IDIOT keiji it's pouring out here!!” “I wanted to see you too so i ran over” “you're impossible”

Anyway yeah #emkaashiotp

✧𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐼𝑑𝑒𝑎✧

a date idea

Bookstore

I'm really good at naming places aren't i

Anyway

Bookstore date

But do something fun where the two of you have to go through an aisle and find a random page and read it in the like

How do i explain this

Make it sound suuuuper sexual without it actually being that way and not laugh

Whoever loses buys lunch

Lets just say you lose a lot dear im sorry (he insists on buying anyway, sometimes he wins that argument)

You’re smiley :) (guys her smile is so cute ebflbejfb em ILY)

Oh also doesn’t matter if he bought lunch or not he always gets you something

Whether it be that book you decided you couldn't get this time or a little trinket that reminded him of you, or sometimes it’s just ice cream

It’s all very sweet (hahaha pun)

He always walks you home and gives you a little kiss when he drops you off

Doesn’t leave till you’re inside & he knows you’re good

You make him promise to text you when he gets home

Which he does, without fail

✧𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦✧

zodiac compatibility

Sagittariuses are very intelligent, fair-minded & honest, similar to a Libra’s cleverness & rationale. Because of this similarity, trust is a huge thing in these relationships. It can be all or nothing, but finding balance is important to keep both people happy. Luckily, Libras are very good at this. From everything I’ve seen, these signs together have a very high compatibility and can have a very long-withstanding and healthy relationship.

✧𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐✧

aesthetic

✧𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡✧

playlist

House of Gold - Twenty-One Pilots

Lvr Boy - awfultune

A Shitty Love Song - Jye

Darling Get Up - awfultune

Something Just Like This - Alex Goot

✧𝑅𝑢𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑈𝑝✧

runners up

Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi

#//ᴍᴀᴛᴄʜᴜᴘꜱ

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retphienix · 3 years

Text

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

#Retphienix #gaming #video games #gaming liveblog

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kaeyas-beloved · 5 years

Text

I Believe In You {Midoriya x Sister!Reader}

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*Was Listening To The Sad OST While Writing This*

*TW: Mentions of Death & War. Also sad Izuwu T_T*

"I'm sorry Izuku!" My mother cries, falling forward and bringing my crying little brother into a hug. Now they're both crying while I myself just lean against Izuku's bedroom door frame, a few tears leaking from my own eyes.

Izuku just found out he was quirkless only mere hours ago, that's all it took to utterly crush his life dream of becoming a hero. A sorry was not what Izuku needs, I know this and I know mom knows this too... but yet that's all she could do, apologize for something that was in no way her fault.

I'm not sure how much time has passed with just my brother and mother embracing each other and crying but mom soon breaks the hug, standing up. She starts to walk out of his room, sniffling, but stops beside me and leans in so only I could hear what she had to say.

"Can you talk to him, he needs you now more than anything (Y/N)" she whispers. I glance at her and nod, knowing I need to take up the roll of talking to him since she couldn't at the moment. "Thank you..." mom whispers, continuing to walk away, probably to the couch or to her room.

I take a small inhale of air, trying to think of what to tell Izuku. My mind races for something I could tell him put ultimately I just say screw it and walk over to stand beside him. Just as I'm about to open my mouth to say something, Izuku presses the pause button on his video, stopping it at the part where All Might's face takes up the whole screen, sniffling.

"I-I can become a h-hero like y-you r-right (Y/N)-chan? I-I can be a g-great hero like you too r-right?" My heart just shatters at his heart broken voice and I suppress the urge to cry. I spin Izuku's computer chair around so he's facing me only to be met with a still crying Izuku. I frown and pick him up off his chair, carrying him over and setting him in my lap as I sit down on his bed.

"Of course you can Izuku, I see no reason why you can't be" I whisper to the small, fragile boy. He gazes up to me with tear stained cheeks, no longer crying, but with a confused look.

"B-but I'm quirkless, I can't be a hero like All Might or you..." he whimpers out, lowering his head as tears start to form in his eyes again. I lift his head so he's looking at me, chuckling a little while wiping his small tears away.

"Who said you can't become a hero?" I question, though I know who but I just want him to answer.

"The doctor, Kacchan, everyone in my class... They all say I should give up, that I should stop trying, that I can't do it..."

"Are you going to listen to them?" I inquired. Izuku gives me a quizzical look so I restate my question, "Are you going to listen to them? Are you going to give up?"

Taking a moment to think over what I'm asking him, Izuku just shrugs, "maybe..."

"Nope! Wrong answer Izuku!" I smile down at him, "do not let others lead your life, it's your life for a reason..." I pause a moment, debating whether or not I should let this information slip past my lips or not. Maybe I should, Izuku needs to hear this...

"I want to tell you something Izu. People are going to tell you that you can't do it, whether it's because your weak or quirkless or not smart enough. I know you know this, but listen, you can do it. Want to know why I think you can?"

"Why..." he whispers.

"Because when I was your age... I was told the exact same thing, that I could never be a hero, but look where I am now! I proved them all wrong, I became the hero that I wanted to be! I did that by not listening to those who told me other wise. I pushed through, I set goals for myself and I set morals that I would stick by and every time I did I became stronger, more confident in myself, and so can you! You can become the No. 1 Hero that you want to be Izuku!"

When I finished my little motivational speech, my small, 4 year-old brother is left speechless with floods of tears streaming down his eyes, but in no way is he sad. Embracing me tightly, Izuku stands up on my lap and leans his head into the crook of my neck, crying but I can hear him say something, something that puts a smile on my face.

"Thank you (Y/N)-chan, you're my hero and the best sister ever..."

We stay like that for a little bit until Izuku finally lets go, wiping his tears away. He hops off my lap and goes to the head of his bed, climbing under the covers and laying his head on the pillow. He lets out a tiny yawn and I chuckle, the poor boy having tired himself out. I stand up from where I was sitting on the edge of his bed and walk over to his computer, shutting it down. Pacing back over to Izuku's bedside, I turn on his All Might nightlight, lean forward and give his forehead a kiss.

"Good-night Izu, sweet dreams little hero-to-be" I murmured. Turning to his bedroom door about to head to my own room to retire for the night, I halt in my steps by the quite call of my brother.

"(Y/N)-chan, I have a question..." Looking at him, I nod to him as a way of saying that I was listening and to ask his question. "W-what's a moral? You said you have those but, what are they?" I hum in though as I walk back to kneel beside him, pondering the best way to explain this to him without confusing him. What the hell am I talking about, he's a smart boy, he'll understand.

"It's a little hard for me to explain but it's like what a person believes is right, it's like something they live by." I try to explain. A small 'oh' leaves Izuku.

"What's a moral that you have?" If I'm being honest I was a tad taken aback by him asking me that. I nevertheless smile and think of my answer.

"Well, I actually have a few. Like a villain is not born, they're made. No one is born to be evil, something has to happen to them or they were raised that way, and were never showed the light and beauty of the world around them. But two of my favorites have to be that a true hero isn't measured by his strength or how many villains he defeats, but by the strength of his heart and his will to be a hero. The second one is that a hero isn't born, they're made, meaning that it takes hard work for them to get to where they want to be, which is to be a hero of course. I know for sure that I had to work hard to get to where I am now, but you, you'll have to work extra hard, but I believe in you Izuku and when you become a hero, you'll be letting the world know that you did it. But to do that you need to go to bed silly!" I flash smile at him and he smiles his big, bright, pure smile back.

"Will you train me when I'm older (Y/N)-chan!? Please!?" Izuku pleads and I laugh.

"Yes Izuku I will and I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise. But you gotta go to bed first!"

"Okay! Good-night (Y/N)-chan, I love you!" Izuku laughs with a smile as he closes his eyes, falling asleep within moments. A smaller smile crawls onto my lips and I stand up once more to my full height, tip-toeing so I don't wake Izuku up. Just as I'm about to close the door I whisper out,

"I love you too Izuku, my little brother. I believe in you..." What I didn't know was that he heard what I said and that those words would stick with him on his journey to becoming a Pro Hero.

--------(Time Skip, Izuku is now at UA and 15 years old)--------

The words my sister said to me when I was told that I couldn't become a hero 11 years ago has got me through so much and has gotten me to where I am now, at UA High, the prestigious school for heroes-to-be. Even while she isn't here with me now, I know that she is watching over my every move.

"Settle down students" Mr. Aizawa sighs, hopping into class dressed in his favourite yellow sleeping bag. At the sound of the very, and always, tired teacher's voice, Class 1-A did as told and settled into their seats as they all ended their conversations and such, ready to focus on the lesson for the day.

Well, all but one. That being Izuku Midoriya.

"As some of you may know," Aizawa began, "today is the anniversary of the War of Pros, a war between many Pro Heroes and Pro Villains worldwide. So, as some of you can guess, that'll be the lesson for today."

As Mr. Aizawa was setting up the projector to show a slideshow featuring some notes, videos and pictures, his dark and sleep-deprived eyes made eye contact with Midoriya's. At that moment, the usual stone coldness of Aizawa's eyes shifted to one of sympathy. Midoriya could tell what his teacher was thinking, so he merely nodded, letting the Pro Hero know he was okay sitting around for the lesson. Nodding back, Aizawa continued with the planned lesson.

"The war ended quickly, with it only lasting 3 weeks, and some of the greatest heroes served in it. Who knows what heroes from Japan fought in it?"

Right away, Midoriya's hand shot up, making it quite known to the class that he knew what the answer was. Aizawa was quite surprised but didn't show it.

"Midoriya?"

Clearing his throat, Midoriya answered, "All Might, Endeavor and... (H/N)." Many caught the hesitation with the last Pro Heroes name, but paid no mind to it. Except Bakugou and Aizawa, because they knew the reason behind it.

When I was 10, (Y/N) was assigned to partake in war overseas along with All Might and Endeavor. At this time, my sister moved up the ranks to be the No.3 Pro-Hero in Japan, meaning she was one of the strongest there was and one of the more fit ones to go to battle. This war was classed as a triple-S level war, so Pros from all over the world, such as America, came to assist as well. It was chaos and destruction between villains and heroes alike, many were injured but only one Pro-Hero was killed.

My sister...

"Right..." Aizawa replied in a monotone voice, like always.

Aizawa was the same age as (Y/N), they went to school together and were in the same classes. As for Bakugou, despite being the nerds older sister, Bakugou still knew the Pro deserved respect.

As the dark haired teacher continued on with the lesson, Izuku Midoriya was stuck in his own thoughts about his sister and the day he and his mother were told of her death.

The day my mother and I found out was the worst day of my life, it greatly out weighted the agony and sadness I felt when I found out I was quirkless. My mother cried for months and wouldn't even go anywhere close to her room, avoiding it like the plague, but only because every time she would be near it, she would burst into tears.

When my mother was finally ready to go into (Y/N)'s room we found letters in her desk drawer. One was addressed to mom, one to All Might, one to Mr. Aizawa, one to President Mic. Then there was a stack of 7 addressed to a group that (Y/N) was apart of called the RFA. The last letter was for myself. Mom mailed the other letters after she read her own, but I read my letter later that night.

When I read the letter it seemed to have meant to be for me to read before she left, (Y/N) must have just forgotten to give it to me before she left, she did leave 2 days earlier than she was originally suppose to.

~~~~

Dear Izuku,

Hey there little buddy! I know you don't like that nickname all that much but meh :P

Now onto some serious things... I know, I know, there's no fun in serious things but I gotta! As you know I have to leave for a little while to go overseas, but I'll come back as soon as I can! Then we can go back to our usual of training and goofing off okay! I promise, pinkie promise Izuku!

And if you ever miss me you know what to do right? Yell out the window as loud as you can so I can hear you 'Goddess 606 help me!' or you can call on my friend God 707, he'll be there for you too if I can't be :)

Like I said Izuku, I'll be home as soon as I can be, so just keep training while I'm gone, then when I get back I'll test you, so be ready!

You can do it Izuku, go beyond, Plus Ultra! I believe in you!!

~Love your sister, (Y/N) Midoriya~

~~~~

"Even though a life was taken that day in battle, her sacrifice was not in vain. Can anyone tell me why?" Zoning back into the lesson, Midoriya hears Aizawa ask the class another question, and with no one else raising their hand, whether it's because they don't want to answer the question or no one actually knows, Midoriya reluctantly raises his hand once more.

Hesitantly, Aizawa calls on him, "Midoriya..."

With clenched hands that tremble slightly, Midoriya answers through his teeth, "Her sacrifice wasn't in vain... b-because her finally attack won th-the war..." Midoriya couldn't hold them back any more, his tears of sorrow and hurt. Hurt because his sister promised to come home, yet she's not here, with him and cheering him on! Not here with him sparring, not here helping him grow, not here with him every step of the way like she said, like she promised!

The sudden noise of a chair scrapping against the tiled ground caught everyone's attention, except for Midoriya, who's still crying in his seat while his fellow classmates gave him sympathetic looks before the noise occurred.

"Oi, Deku..." The rough and raspy voice of Katsuki Bakugou sounds out in the quiet classroom. While the pitch of Bakugou's tone seems to not have changed, to everyone that knew the young boy, they would catch the softness in it. Marching over to his desk, Bakugou lifts Midoriya by the back of his collar and sets him on his feet.

Calming down just enough to talk coherently, Midoriya mutters out "w-what is it Kacchan? I-" before being pulled into someones embrace, Bakugou's. Class 1-A and their teacher are shocked to their core, no one expecting him to comfort his childhood rival. Before Midoriya could sputter out anything, Bakugou began to talk.

"Now listen here shitty Deku cause I'm only saying this once, (Y/N) wouldn't want you to be this upset over her, she'd want you to continue living your life and become the hero she knew you could, no um, become the hero that you can be. Don't think I didn't see you and her training all those years ago! Now don't let her hard work go to waste shitty nerd and brighten the hell up, it's what she would have wanted!" Bakugou's tone held so much sincerity and truth that Midoriya couldn't help but cry more, not in sadness, but in content. He should have realized that if his sister was still here that she would have been disappointed in how he's been living his life, in sadness and despair.

"Th-thank you K-Kacchan!" Midoriya cried, hugging his friend just a little tighter, Bakugou returning the tight grip.

"No problem nerd..." He whispered, tone gentle.

The class sat shocked yet eternally happy that Bakugou dropped his pride to comfort the very emotional green haired teen, showing a side of himself that very few would ever get to witness and experience. Smiling faces filled the quiet classroom as 1-A just let everyone calm down, to regain composure of their feelings so they could return to the lesson.

Suddenly, frantic and heavy footsteps could be heard from the hallway just outside the classroom, catching many off guard. Bakugou and Midoriya parted, positioning themselves into a fighting stance, ready to defend themselves and those around them.

As the classroom door slides open with much ferocity, the entire of Class 1-A is thrown into shock, but in three of them, other emotions bubble in them. Aizawa, Bakugou and Midoriya all hold a sense of sadness, relief, confusion and pure joy at the face that has appeared before them.

Lowering their fighting stances, Izuku staggers forward, tears beginning to brim his emerald coloured eyes.

"(Y-Y/N)...?"

(Y/N)'s POV

"(Y-Y/N)...?" Izuku whispers, voice shaking though thick with emotion. As I lean against the door frame to the classroom, clutching the side of my stomach, I can see the tears in his eyes. In my little brother's eyes. Eyes that I thought I'd never see again along with his atrociously messy green hair, his distinctly familiar voice that despite him being older, is still recognizable.

"I-Izu-uku, I told y-you I'd c-come home" the arm that wasn't holding my injured side reached out to him, my body leaning off the only support I had at the moment. Izuku rushes forward, the tears that had been accumulating finally running down his cheeks as he wraps his arms around me, myself doing the same as I let go of my injury momentarily.

His tears start to soak my tattered, torn and slightly burnt shirt but I could care less. All I care about is being here, home, with part of my family.

"H-h-how a-are you-u he-here. Th-the n-news said you were d-dead" the small green haired boy hiccups, clutching onto me tighter, like if he even loosened his grip a fraction I would disappear forever. His fingers claw slightly into another wound of mine, causing me to wince though Izuku doesn't let up.

"I know, I know. I never died, I was kidnapped by those I was fighting back then and only now was I able to escape. But I promise, I'm here, I'm okay and I'm never leaving you again. And hey, I see you made it into UA! Told you that you could make it!" I smile.

Izuku only seems to sob louder and harder. His tears aren't tears of sorrow any more but more like tears of happiness.

In that moment, we both knew that everything was going to be okay. That neither of us would be absent from each other's lives ever again.

I was home and someone I care about most is happy.

Everything is finally alright.

#midoriya izuku #bnha izuku #mha izuku #bnha izuku midoriya #izuku midoriya #bnha #bnha fanfiction #izuku x reader #izuku x you #bnha midoriya #bnha midoriya izuku #midoriya x you #midoriya x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya x sister reader #platonic x reader #sister reader

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rosaetae · 5 years

Text

the chrysanthemum effect | 3

[this chapter is apart of the chrysanthemum effect]

☇ “Keeping your flowers, keeping your pain— it’s already everything you need to move on. How do you move on from things if you’re not willing to accept them?“

➣ pairing: taehyung x reader

➣ genre: hanahaki!au, model!taehyung, weddingplanner(ish)!au

➣ word count: 3.9k

➣ summary: the hanahaki disease has become a stigma in this world where if you had it, you are looked down upon. her flowers were white chrysanthemums and they have been for the past two years. she was in love with someone who obviously didn’t feel the same way, and this was her way of moving on— along with the people in her life who had to conform around the hanahaki disease.

You open the door to Kang Eunmi's building, greeting Yuna at the front desk. She gives her usual friendly wave at you as you smile at her, walking towards the elevator to reach the tenth floor.

Out of the elevator, you walk past Eunmi's partners in their assigned cubicles into Eunmi's office. Eunmi, as one of the best wedding planners known, is an always busy person, and you were lucky to even be able to work alongside her as her assistant. You had your own little desk area in the same office as her because she used to hate making a call just to get you to come into the office.

"You're early," Eunmi remarks as she removes her reading glasses to give you an eyebrow raise. You give her a small smile as you glance at how she had her hands interlocked underneath her chin.

"Class cancelled," you explain. "Is it alright if I just do some homework here before my shift starts?"

She nods. "Without a doubt. As long as you finished the assignment I gave you."

Kang Eunmi may be a frightening figure in the building, but you know she's only doing it for respect. She lives with the mindset of "better to be feared than loved" although you are sure that she is capable of both, if she could only just feign a smile or two.

"I did," you say as you scurry to grab the anniversary book and paperwork you put in your bag, walking over to hand her the assignments. "The paperwork is filed in alphabetical order by last name and the anniversaries are organized by expenses. Mr. Rettner wanted to prioritize the anniversaries by price."

Eunmi gives you a smug curl of her lip. "You always make my job easier."

"I try."

Eunmi begins to look at the anniversary book as you walk back to your desk, the nerve wracking feeling of having to ask Eunmi a favor building up. It's not that you were scared of Eunmi (partially), but it was because it seemed something out of place of your work area.

"Hey, Eunmi," you began after the taunting voice became too much. You hear her hum in response. Hoseok, you owe me a lot. "I know how busy you are."

"As so."

"But, I have a friend," you began, fidgeting with your fingers. "He's Jung Hoseok. The son of the Jungs'. He invited you to his charity event tomorrow night and he was wondering if you're going."

Eunmi looks up with piercing gaze and it struck you cold. "Ah, yes. Jung Hoseok? I saw the invitation in the mail. I wasn't planning to go, but seeing that he's so curious as to my presence, this is quite interesting. Why is he wondering?"

"Well, you never really RSVP'd to his event, and he knows I work for you, so he was wondering—"

"No, I don't go to those events anymore," you hear her say, having your blood run cold at the sharpness of her tone. "No personal opposition to the purpose of them, but every time I go to one, another thirsty rich couple with cocky close minds come after me and ask me to plan their weddings. As if I should be grateful to plan their wedding."

As you hear her scoff, you slowly nod your head, only for her to continue. "And they always happen to be the couples that get engaged for two months and break it off. You know me, I plan people's weddings when I know the relationship is going to last."

Nodding, you hum in agreement, biting your lower lip from saying anything else to her. She then looks up from her laptop and blinks at you. "Why? Does Jung Hoseok need me there for some reason?"

"Yes...." Your voice trails off as you began to fidget with your fingers.

"What for?"

"He may have mentioned your presence at the event in the process of trying to convince someone else to be there," you state vaguely.

Her sharp eyes were filled with confusion, and you were silently wishing she would just say no so you didn't have to go through her questioning. "Ah, so he needs me there for someone else."

"Pretty much."

"And who is this someone else?"

"Jeon Jungkook and Annie Yu."

"Ah," Eunmi says, already catching on. It was quite frightening as to how she can make sense of a situation in just a click. "So Jung Hoseok wants me to plan their weddings?"

"Yes?" You shrug . "Maybe?"

Eunmi raises an eyebrow, before she looks down at her own paperwork. "How long have they been engaged?"

"Two months, I'd say."

She snorts. "I'm sure they can find someone else."

"But, you are one of the best."

"And I'm also strict on which weddings I plan for. If it's for the sole purpose for the sake of publicity, I don't want anything to do with it."

You nod, not wanting to push any further. The sharp tone in her voice already made you feel small. "It's alright, I told Hoseok that you'd wouldn't go."

"That's not what I said," Eunmi says after a momentary pause. "Will you be attending this event?"

"No, I have— uhm...."

"Nothing," Eunmi finishes for you, with a smirk. "Clear up your schedule for that night. We're going to the event together."

Your eyes widen. "What? You'll actually go?"

"I'll only attend if you are my plus one. Doesn't mean I'm going to plan their weddings, though."

Staring at her in awe, you purse your lips.

"Not that I'm disagreeing, but why me?"

"Because you don't have any fun anymore," Eunmi rolls her eyes as if it were obvious. "You're either studying or working with me or both. Usually I don't take note of these type of things, but it's quite sad, ___." The way she looked at you with sympathy makes you furrow your eyebrows at her assumption that how you keep your priorities straight was considered 'sad'. "Not that I'm against your work ethic, but darling, I think you should have more fun. You can't possibly say that working and studying is considered 'fun'."

Lips pressed together, you marvel at her, as if she was looking straight through you.

"Am I wrong?" Eunmi asks, to which you could shake your head at. "Great, we're on the same page. You're going to the event with me."

"Do I have to?"

"You're my assistant. I need you to make sure that this couple isn't as whack as the ones for publicity."

"I don't—"

"It's alright if you don't want to go. I have better things to do on a Saturday night anyways."

You sigh, staring at her in awe as she sent you a wink that made you want to groan loudly. Instead, you give in. "Fine."

"Brilliant," she chuckles triumphantly.

And so, here you are. Eunmi was already fitting in with the luxuries. You marvel from right next to her to see her being recognized by others, some she claims to have met at weddings or have already planned their wedding, but even then, you felt misplaced in the sea of riches and the privileged.

"You really need to socialize," Eunmi mutters to you the minute the person she was engaging in a conversation with has met with another person.

You were clutching your bag, wearing something a bit more formal than you're used to, and all these faces were unfamiliar and that little part of you just hoped that there were celebrities on their way knowing how close Hoseok is to most of them just to have some excitement to the event.

"I would, but talks about the economy and government isn't really my style," you retort back with a sarcastic smile to which Eunmi gives you a look.

"___?"

Turning around to hear your name, your eyes light up when you see that it was Hoseok who called for you. Seeing that his expression was in confusion, you immediately remember that you forgot to tell him that you were attending as Eunmi's plus one.

"Hi, Hoseok," you smile and his face goes from a sort of confused look to a sudden realization that almost seemed like he wished you didn't come, but you shrug it off, thinking you were looking too deep into it.

"What are you doing here?" He sounds worried and confused.

"I forgot to mention that I'm here as Eunmi's plus one."

Perking his ears to the sudden name of Eunmi, you point your finger at the elegant and chin high figure that is your boss, already amidst in a conversation about organization or business to a man in a grey suit.

"No way," Hoseok gapes, his mood completely making a turn. "You actually convinced her?"

"To come— only the exception that I come with her," you confirm. "So, I'm still on the hour."

"You really pulled through," he smirks as you nudge at him. Chuckling, he pats your arm thankfully. "Let me buy you a drink, yeah?"

"I'm on the hour, Hoseok. I shouldn't even be talking to you," you smugly say, but he lets out a half-hearted laugh.

"Right, but at least let me buy you a drink for being the best sugartits out there for helping me out on this?"

You question at his sudden urgency, moving his hand gently from your arm. "Hoseok, are you alright?"

"___–"

He was cut off by the sound of your name being called. As so, you peer over at Eunmi who had waved you over. Apologetically, you look up at Hoseok who was awaiting your answer that he hoped was a yes. "Maybe later. Duty calls."

You smile at him as you leave to find Kang Eunmi talking to someone as you stand beside her.

"Perfect timing. Here is my business card. If you ever need a wedding designer, give me a call and I can link you up with him," Eunmi says with a smile that you can already tell was fake, and following suit, you reach into your bag with a nicely decorated business card you helped designed for Eunmi.

The man in the grey suit nodded. "Thank you, my fiancé has been dying to find a wedding designer, but too many things on our plates right now. Thank you again."

And soon enough, the man in the grey has departed and so has Eunmi's smile as she looks at you. "I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."

"You and me both," you respond.

"You should be having fun," Eunmi nudges. You give her an odd look, at the way she was giving you a some sort of 'encouraging' look. "You're not just here on the job, you know. If I just showed up here to just pass around my business card, I could've easily done that myself."

"Then why am I here giving out your business card?"

"Just that one, and now you don't have to anymore," Eunmi laughs as you furrow your eyebrows at her. "You're my plus one. Go. Have a drink or something, I won't get mad. I'll call you when I need you."

You blink at her— this new side of persona that was figurative to an older sister was something wholly foreign. She tilts her head to the side, her arms crossed. In that moment as you were trying to comprehend this unfamiliarity, you suddenly felt your stomach tighten.

Not a good time to throw up flowers, right now.

"What are you waiting for?" She enunciates. "Here, how about this. Go and grab both of us a drink. Sparkling chardonnay, white wine, whatever. Just none of that hard liquor stuff that—"

"Kang Eunmi!"

The sudden sound of your boss's name startles both of you from Eunmi's litany of preferred alcohol. What you suspected was someone who Eunmi probably knew considering the way the stranger had said her name, but when Eunmi turns her head, you see her eyes light up in familiarization.

You follow her line of sight, only to wish you hadn't.

"Kim Taehyung," she declares. "What a pleasant surprise."

Though for you, this was a surprise anything but pleasant. Your eyes immediately widen at the sight of him and you found yourself looking away hastily before he could take a good look at you.

"I didn't think I would see you here," he says as you silently curse yourself for not recognizing his voice in the beginning. It's almost been two years and his voice hasn't changed the slightest.

"I'd say the same for you," Eunmi replies followed by a chuckle.

And then in the midst of their interaction, you hear Hoseok yell out Taehyung's name, a sudden relief waving over your body when you notice that Taehyung turns around to find the origin of who called his name. Seeing that Taehyung's attention was somewhere else, you took that time to nudge at Eunmi.

"I'm gonna have that drink," you offer before you're forcing yourself to get lost within the crowd, not forgetting the face she made before you did.

Your mind was all over the place as you ungracefully dance around the rich and the known, eliciting sloppy excuse me's and sorry's to get your way to the blurry part of the room which you thankfully found was the bar.

Finally, you found yourself sat on one of the tall black chairs with a bartender behind the marble counter tending to other people as you begrudgingly plop your elbows on it, needing some water to clear your throat. You bring your hands to your temple, feeling the need to shield yourself before he somehow gets near you again.

You silently curse at how idiotic you are to not consider the option that of course, he would be at the event! He's Hoseok's friend! He's now a model! He's considered a well-known figure! Why couldn't you have known that he would be at the event?

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

Just then, in the corner of your eye, you see someone sitting beside you.

Shutting off your degrading thoughts, you quickly guard your face and turn your body the opposite direction.

"Just a water and a glass of champagne," the person says, automatically recognizing that voice to be Hoseok.

You remove your hands from guarding your face as you turn over to see just who thought it was beside you, a sheepish look on his face as you narrow your eyes at him.

"I didn't warn you," Hoseok immediately starts, knowing exactly what you were going to say. He must have saw the sheer fear on your face as you saw Taehyung right in front of you again.

"Yeah, no shit."

Hoseok puts his hands up in defense at your passive aggression. "I didn't think you were coming! A little heads up would've been nice."

Suppose if you gave a little heads up, it would've been better. But seeing as to that wasn't helping your current situation, you turn away from Hoseok, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath.

"It's fine," you tell yourself as you see the bartender put the drinks in front of you. You grab at the glass of water and gulp it down. "I was just taken aback, that's all."

"I'm sorry, ___. If anything, I can call my chauffeur to give you a ride home," Hoseok offers as he flinches at the sound of you slamming the glass onto the marble counter, almost as if he was sure you were to break it.

The idea of leaving sounded marvelous.

"What about Eunmi?" You were considering it. Hell, you were going to take his offer if it meant you weren't going to be at the event any longer.

"I can tell her that you needed to go home. A roommate emergency, maybe?"

You shook your head. "It's fine, I'll let her know. Thanks, Hoseok."

"Mmhmm," he hums as he immediately pulls out his phone, making a phone call to which you turn to the bartender, asking for a refill.

As the bartender in the suit pours you another glass of water, you turn back at Hoseok who gave you a thumbs up and hung up his phone. "Mr. Lee should be outside in a few. I'll walk you out."

"No, it's alright," you shake your head, not wanting to have any attention towards you when you're being escorted by the host of the event himself. "I'll be fine. Black Porsche?"

He scoffs, as if offended. "Bentley. You sure you'll be okay?"

You wave him off as you get off of the stool. "I'm sure."

Finding your own way out, you were relieved to feel the crisp breeze of the autumn air land on your face, an escape from the stuffy room that became too hard to breathe in. You step down the marble stairs onto the sidewalk, sending a quick text to Eunmi about a vague roommate emergency you had to tend to.

Walking towards the loading zone, you shove the phone back into your back pocket while waiting outside for the car that was black and a Bentley. You hug the blazer you were wearing tighter to your body, your mind rewinding to the moment in which you saw him for split moment up close.

You notice that your feelings for him didn't seem to change a bit as he still had a way of making your heart beat faster.

Closing your eyes to the sound of the cars driving by, you let out a sigh, wondering how on earth the days will be like knowing that he's there. You were bound to run into him any day, you just weren't sure which day you were ready for that to happen—

"I thought I saw you."

Startled, you open your eyes to the voice of the stranger, your eyes trying to focus under the night sky only to realize that the stranger was anyone but a stranger, but the star that shine so bright under your night sky.

Kim Taehyung was approaching slowly, hand in pocket and a calm expression and you swore the reason that you couldn't breathe weren't the chrysanthemums.

His lips had curled very slightly at the sight of you as he stood beside you, your whole body immediately freezing over.

"It's been awhile," you hear him say. Your eyes meet his again as he looks over to you, the silent one who ran out of words when before there were thousands of things you could've said to him. There was a sort of nuance— that odd aura in the atmosphere that was wistful in terms of familiarity, but lacking in comfortability.

What do you say to him? A simple 'hello'? A friendly 'how are you'?

What do you say as a proper greeting that's not yelling at his face for closure or even asking the usual why? Why was he talking to you? Why was 'it's been awhile' the only thing that comes to his mind? Why was it so hard to breathe— so hard to think? And why, oh why was it that every time you try to get angry with him, you can't?

Two years, and you still can't even answer why you couldn't be angry at him. And why you couldn't yell at him. Two years, and you still can't properly move on from him.

What do you say to someone you couldn't get over in two years and counting?

"Shouldn't you be inside?"

His eyes wander over to the building that held the big charity event, letting it linger before they make it settles back onto your form, a little smirk playing on his lips that you can even tell under the city night.

"Not when I saw a familiar face leave. I thought it was you talking to Eunmi."

Pursing your lips, you nod, hugging your blazer tighter. "Did you just come outside to see if it was me or not?"

He nods.

"Well, it is. And it has been awhile," you say rather quietly, not knowing what to say to the first time you have seen him in almost two years. "I heard you got signed under an agency."

"I did, yeah."

"I'm really happy for you," you state, eyes searching for the Bentley. "I remember you used to talk about working your way into the fashion industry."

You saw him shift his position to face you entirely in the corner of your eye. "You remember that?"

Arching an eyebrow at him, you turn to look at him with a skeptical look. "Of course. It was your dream, wasn't it?" And just before he opened his mouth to answer in subtle surprise, you finally saw the familiar black Bentley drive up front. You give him a small smile before walking over to the car where Hoseok's chauffeur spun around to open the door for you. "That's me. It was nice to see you, Taehyung."

You didn't miss the look on his face— the same look that he gives when you cut him off too early, as if he had more to say to you. You sit inside the Bentley, catching the way Taehyung waves at you, you release a breath you didn't realize you were holding, sinking down on the leather chair as you close your eyes and clench your stomach.

"Mr. Lee, do you, by chance, have a paper bag?"

"So... you saw him?"

You nod. "More like he saw me," you sigh, repeating the usual— removing your jacket to let Doctor Wren hear your heartbeat. It was the next morning, and you had to e-mail your professor that you weren't going to his two hour lecture because you had an emergency. "Though, it was partially my fault. I went to event when I should've known he would've been there."

"Don't blame yourself for not knowing things you should've known."

"Still," you sigh as you exhale. "It could've been avoided. And I wouldn't have to be throwing up in my friend's Bentley."

"And what type of friends do you know that owns a Bentley?"

"Ones that know Kim Taehyung, apparently," you make a face to which Doctor Wren chuckles quietly. "And I should've known better that if he was back in town then he would've shown up to his friend's event."

"There's nothing you can do from where you stand in this situation, ___. It was just an unfortunate event that you got wrapped up in," he says as he removes the stethoscope from his ears. "I remember when I saw her while I was out with Sungjae. It was slightly awkward and I blamed myself for putting me and my husband in that situation."

He writes down something and looks at you through his glasses. "But the thing is, ___, I couldn't blame myself for that unfortunate situation that, of course, would happen to me."

"But you didn't know she would be there," you point out but he snorts.

"Neither did you," he retorts, referring towards Taehyung. "That's the difference between what you already know and what you should've known. You didn't know he was going to be there until you saw him."

Pouting at him, you narrow your eyes at his genius brains. It's these situations that you knew he was right, and he also knew he was right.

"You know, you could use this way as a mechanism to fully move on," he suggests, your eyes lighting up to the idea of that. "Find some closure and properly move on in your life, I guess you may say."

"Doctor Wren, that's not... bad," you ponder at the thought.

"Ya, I know," he chuckles. "And it looks like your vitals are fine. I'll run some tests, though, just in case— since you haven't thrown up for awhile, but for now you're all good."

"Thanks, Doctor Wren," you say begrudgingly as you hop off the tall bed.

"Mhm," he hums, writing something down on the clipboard. "Words of advice. Don't keep blaming yourself for all the could have's, especially when series of events unfold to where you do have to see him again. Happens for a reason, right?"

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blake-bellamyblake · 5 years

Text

The bet.

I was new in town and oh boy don't I just know it. The amount of stares I received for being the new girl at school was getting ridiculous. There was the usual crowds the jocks, the popular girls, band geeks, and.. well.. there was me.

I was never good in social situations so fitting it was never my strong point. Nor was I ever desperate enough to make myself fit into these stereotypes. I live with my older sister as my parents died when we was little! She had no choice but to look after me. Her names emma and we are the complete opposite of each other! She's into all the new fashions and trends, plans her outfits religiously the night before, where as i really just shove on any old thing in my wardrobe at last minute. emma recently got a job working as a receptionsist at the yellow tower? Or was it the white tower! I really should start to listen. So here we are, where my story begins at hemlock grove!

**It was the usual day at school boring lessons and sitting by myself at lunch time. This repeated for the next 3 weeks. Untill I met letha. She was blonde, skinny and my god was she beautiful. We became really close and exchanged numbers. We would text each other all day and night. We really hit it off. I always thought to my self why did she befriend me?

letha introduced me to them. Roman godfrey and Peter Rumancek. Meeting them was the biggest mistake of my life. Let me rewind the story a bit.

It all started off great, 3 new friends we did everything together. I met them as letha was having a small quiet gathering at her house. Her mum and dad went out for the weekend so we had the place to ourselfs. I arrived first at letha' s house she gave me my go to drink vodka n coke, Helps with the nerves. She told me she had two other friends coming over. Never in my mind would I thought it would be boys. I mean I wasn't a virgin or anything i had my fair share of trouble when it came to boys. And trouble was soon to find me again.

********************************************

Flash back

Letha: "Y/N this is roman, my cousin.

Holy shit

he was breath taking. Tall, dark and handsome. Definatly handsome you thought to yourself.

"hi roman nice to meet you my name's Y/N" you replied back hoping he didn't notice you staring wide eyed at him.

Peter came walking through the door way moments after. Phew. This was awkward.

We all exchanged pleasantries and chatted away like we'd known each other for years.

The drinks was flowing and the drinking games began. truth or dare like we were 15 year olds again. I should of noticed or realised something was up at this point but couple of drinks is enough to wipe out my "somethings not right here" part of my brain. I should of seen the smirk from Peter. Moments later roman and Peter left the room leaving me with letha.

*************

Peter: so I've got an idea...more of a bet really

Roman: go on?

Peter: I bet you can't, get Y/N to fall in love with you

Roman: and why would I want to do that? She's not exactly my type.

Peter: scared she's gonna resit you?

Roman: not a chance! I'm in! How long do I have?

Peter: 4 months.

The boys returned back to the living room and the game of truth or dare continued. You kept noticing roman staring at you from the corner of your eye. What's his problem you thought

Peter: Roman! Its your turn..truth or dare

Roman chuckles realising what Peter is trying to do. Dare he replied.

Peter: umm I dare you.. to umm.. kiss...... Y/N.

You nearly chocked on your drink upon hearing your name. WHAT. Oh god.

You couldn't make eye contact just sat there silent I mean you wasn't going to dismiss the idea but infront of everyone glaring. Awks

Your palms became clammy as you saw the tall silhouette walking towards. Oh god. Oh god.

Roman knelt down infront of you asking for your permission to go ahead.

You just nodded your head as he slowly made his way towards your lips. He surprised you. He held your face gently as he kissed you. He moved away to take a breath before coming back for more. Looking at him you didn't think it would feel like this, you imagined in that split second it would be rushed and rough.

Peter and letha started giggling and cheering behind you which made you come back to reality.

Letha: okay guys let's get on with the game I don't want to see you two necking on all night. She laughed

You felt you cheeks flush. Holy shit that was amazing.

Roman sat beside you instead of returning back to his seat. Your hand was touching the floor as you knelt on your knee' s watching letha and Peter get dared numerous of funny stuff.

You could of sworn he kept gliding over your hand on purpose. Was he trying to get a reaction out of you? Or was this just the alcohol. Probably the alcohol you thought.

Next day:

You Had just gotten off the bus when you saw Letha run up to you and gave you the biggest hug and whispered something in your ear, you wasn't able to catch what she said so you made a mental note to ask her later. Before she dragged you off to first period.

You was sat next to a lovely guy called james and you helped him with the science questions as he repeatedly told you he didn't understand no matter how hard you explained it to him. You spent the majoirty of the lesson laughing together untill you both had tears in your eyes. The Bell was just about to go so you packed all your belongings up And that's when you saw him. glaring at you from the doorway. Eyes fixated on you which made you nervous seriously what is his problem and that stare!

Roman: Who was that

um james, he's really nice you replied

Roman: ok well fuck him, I'm taking you out tonight be ready for 8, wear something hot babe He winked as he said 'babe'

Y/N: What? Wait roman

Too late he had disappeared into the crowds. What does this mean you thought and babe seriously you rolled your eyes and rushed off to go find letha to tell her what just happened.

Y/N: you never guess what ... you began to say

Before letha interrupted you "he likes you Y/n" she spat out all giddy

What? Is all you managed to string out.

Roman! He likes you. he wouldn't stop talking about you after you left and kept asking me places where he should take you.

You didn't know what to say you just sat there trying to take it all in. He likes me? You kept repeating in your head HE LIKES ME you tried to play it cool and act like you wasn't interested. Lies all lies. You was beyond bursting with excitement.

School ended and you and letha rushed back to your house and raided your sisters wardrobe in preparation for your date.

8pm soon arrived and there he was standing infront of his red car wearing black skinny jeans and A white shirt. Fuck! Your knees nearly bookeld at the sight of him.

"wow you look beautiful Y/N" Roman stated as he held the car door open for you. Wow what a gentleman. He took us to a restaurant which he had booked out for just us, a nice romantic candlit dinner it was perfect. I mean I knew he had money but I didn't think he was this rich.

The rest of the night was perfect you didn't want it to end. He dropped you off and walked you to your front door.

Night baby he winked before planting a kiss on you.

*******

Since that night you and roman had become inseparable. You began dating not long after your first date it was just coming up to 4 months. Things were perfect and you was the happiest you've ever been. Roman was the perfect boyfriend and was forever complimenting you and showing you affection. You had no reason to doubt him right?

Soon came around our 4 month anniversary and roman had planned a weekend away. Nothing warmed your heart more when roman took hold of your hand and gently looked at you, it was almost like he was nervous. You laughed at the thought of roman being nervous he always acted so in control.

Y/N I wanted to bring you here to make it a night to remember, to show how much you mean to me! I never thought I would ever... Umm. ..I never thought I could.

What's wrong roman. you cut him off? Why was he stuttering over his words.

Roman: I'm in love with you Y/N

Those words made your heart flutter, you thought you was going to be sick from bursting with happiness

Y/N: I love you too roman godfrey

With hearing you say it back to him he threw his arms around your face kissing you over and over, slowly at first then getting more passionate.

************************

On the return home you rang letha and told her everything that had happened and how roman had confessed his love for you. She was so happy for us! Spent the night chatting untill you both fell asleep.

After school you went round to Romans house as you did everyday. It got to the point you didn't knock anymore you just let your self in, you spent a short while talking to shelly and Olivia before heading off to find roman.

You walked down the many corridors of the godfrey mansion before over hearing talking it was roman and Peter.

they hadn't noticed you hovering around so you decided to hide and see what kind of stuff boys spoke about. Lame I know

You wish you didn't.

Peter: I can't believe you actually won man

Peter: What did she say when you told her you loved her? Peter began laughing. Oh come on roman don't go all quiet on me now.

Roman: Peter stop I need..

Peter cut off roman before he could finish.

You best not be going soft on me now you agreed to this bet.

What. The. Fuck. You felt as if your heart was gonna split in two right then.

" what bet" you came from hiding behind the door. " WHAT BET" you didn't realise you had began shouting.

Peter with a smug look on his face declared" I put on a bet with roman to see if he could get you to fall in love with him"

Roman looked paler than ever, just stood there staring at you.

The tears began falling from your eyes as you rushed out the door.

"Y/N WAIT" roman screamed chasing after you " BABY WAIT"

you stopped and turned around " dont ever call me that again roman" you exclaimed!

Y/N please let me explain, roman said in a low voice

"Explain what? That you did all this for a stupid bet! I love you roman" the last few words were more of a muble as your voice became shaking as the tears kept pouring.

" I did at first ...do it as a bet, but I soon fell in love with you Y/N that part was all true, I know you don't believe me right now but your the only person who's ever made me feel like this. I forgot about the bet with Peter untill just then when I told him about our weekend away and that I told you I loved you" Roman pleaded his voice now becoming as weak and pathetic as yours.

You noticed tears slowly falling his cheek.

" I can't forgive you Roman, it's over.. we're over"

And with that you ran down the corridor and out of the mansion running as fast as your legs could take you. Running anywhere as long as your now weakened body would take you.

Roman watched you leave as he fell to the floor his heart was truly breaking! He really did love you. He knows he should of told you about the bet, but how could he?

*******

This was the day roman godfrey broke my heart in two.

#roman godfrey imagines #roman godfrey #roman godfrey x reader #romangodfrey #hemlockgroveimagine #hemlockgrove #bill skasgård #bill skarsgard #romangodfreyimagine

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