#why should i have to!! i’ve loved this show since 2019

[ragazza-paradiso]

okay, my personal thoughts on the jury vote/televote drama (as unbiased as possible):

i understand people’s disappointment when their favourite doesn’t win. i also understand how that disappointment can turn into frustration when it turns out that was the most popular entry with the general public, yet it didn’t result in victory.

for me, the presence of juries in the contest is non-negotiable. i think they help to recognise aspects of the songs that very often get overlooked by the viewing public - composition and vocal ability being the two most important. i think of estonia from this year, a song and performance that most definitely deserved the love they got from the juries to push them up the scoreboard. i think of albania 2018, switzerland 2021, portugal 2022 - all entries that deserved to be recognised, and were not given that by the televote.

all of that is not to say the jury is faultless. i agree with most, that the criteria the jury is told to judge upon should be modified/expanded. i think they should drop the focus on commercially successful songs to help level the playing field for songs in languages other than english (or popular languages like italian or spanish). they should also include people from more diverse musical backgrounds to appreciate alternative forms of music like rock, jazz, folk and music with ethnic elements etc. they could also make the juries larger (i think just doubling the size to 10 people would already make such a huge difference).

i think the biggest change the EBU needs to make regarding the juries is to be much more transparent. the general public has no idea why the juries exist, or what they are even judging on. each show the presenters should explain the criteria the juries judge on. because i’ve seen so many comments on social media over the past 12 hours which seem to fundamentally miss the fact that the juries judge based on criteria which is given to them by the EBU. they do not simply sit down and make a ranking of their favourite to least favourite.

the big point for me is that the jury vote is NOT supposed to be representative of the public vote. there would literally be no point to it if it were. therefore the jury having different scores, and ultimately a different winner than the televote, does not in itself mean that there is a problem with the juries. if you ask me, it means that the juries are doing exactly what they are supposed to do. they recognised the song which best fit the criteria they were asked to judge upon… tattoo.

and i would also add that tattoo was immensely popular with the public as well, it came second in the televote. and the juries placed televote winner cha cha cha in fourth position. so the argument that the juries are out of touch with the european public (at least when it comes to the top spots) just doesn’t add up.

since the juries were reintroduced in 2009 we’ve had 4 types of victories

• where the televote and jury vote agree on a winner (2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2017)

• where the televote winner has won overall despite not winning the jury vote (2011, 2018, 2021, 2022)

• where the jury vote winner has won overall despite not winning the televote (2015, 2023)

• where the winning song has won neither the jury vote nor the televote (2016, 2019)

so, in the 14 contests with the 50/50 jury televote system, only twice has the jury overridden the televote to decide the winner. the televote has overridden the jury vote double as much. in fact, the majority of times (8 times, if you include the 4th category since on both those occasions the winner came 2nd with both televote and jury vote) both have agreed on the winner. overall, the televote has gotten their winner to win the overall contest 10 times out of the 14 contests since the reintroduction of the jury.

therefore i find the conclusion that the jury is tainting the results of the contests’ winners not based in reality.

now, all of that is simply the opinion of one girl who likes eurovision. you can take it or leave it. i don’t think this will change anyone’s mind if they are dead set on the juries needing to perish in hell fire to atone for their sins against euro pop music. but more so i wanted to explain my reasoning behind still valuing the juries as an important part of the contest.

and, two last very important notes:

• käärijä not winning the contest doesn’t mean that he’s lost. it doesn’t mean that you can’t go back and watch his performance a thousand times and revel in the joy it gives you. it will always be there. music is subjective, just because a certain song wins a certain contest doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the best. he has thousands more fans now and you can always support his future career.

• being disappointed with the results of the contest however does not give you the right to send abusive messages and hate towards other contestants. käärijä himself said after the final yesterday that he cannot complain about the rules and he was happy for loreen. this is the same guy who was so distraught when he received one hate comment that he deleted all his accounts on social media. he wouldn’t want anyone to be doing the same towards his fellow artists. the contest was about being united through music, and sending hate won’t change the results, and it won’t make you feel better either.

#i may add some more onto this later but yeah this is my more coherent thoughts #if anyone wants to discuss more about this feel free to message me :)

[handmadehazefromtheheart]

The Re-Opening Of Handmade Hearts

It’s been an icy hot minute since I wrote a proper update, but I won’t complicate this one. The update series started with the presence of a workspace and the first shop opening; the second post was about the progress and success so far; the third was almost a year later because so much had happened, and I’d moved, and the store was on standby, and I was getting married, usw.

I’ve since not only moved countries, but I’ve also moved my main storefront from Ko-Fi to the Artisans Cooperative. (But you’ll still find patterns on Ko-Fi.) Like I have from the start, I do the math and show my work in the description of each item listing in a breakdown of the price: In bullet list form, I state the material costs, the platform fees, the time I’ve estimate I could most efficiently take to complete one of each item (which will almost always be less time than it actually took), and the wage per hour that I’m paying myself. If you add it all up, it’ll equal the price in the listing — minus a tax based on your area that the marketplace adds automatically.

There are six fixed shipping prices based on size and location, with the least expensive being within Germany and the most expensive being anywhere outside the EU. I’ve got two different sizes of box, but I really should get me some envelopes and offer a cheaper no-tracking alternative for certain (very small, mostly not-yet-existing) items.

Here are the listings so far!

(Photography by @ablondpanda)

I’ve done the math, and I have made just shy of 370€ in earnings in the time I’ve had Handmade Hearts open. I haven’t been able to work since 2019, so that’s 370€ in earnings within the last five years.

Ouch…

Ouch…?

Well, I have chronic depression, but I’ve managed to carve myself into an optimist; I’ve not had the chance to really grow yet as an indie seller, so having earned anything — not operated at a loss (at least within business expenses; general life expenses is another beast) — is a bright shining star to me.

My parter and I are waiting on job applications and government assistence. In the meantime, I’m hoping to gain more eyes and start making at least one sale every month in the middle and/or latter half of 2024.

I’ve yet to sell anything through the new storefront, so I’m trying to get more eyes on it. I’m considering opening a secondary storefront with Products With Love, a Germany-specific handmade marketplace, to get more eyes that won’t have to pay more than seven euros on shipping for any given thing.

Shipping is, unfortunately, not something I can do for free. To take a moment for personal politics: I really think mail should be one of those things governments work together to pay for and make free on the most basic level, like public infrustructure, roads and such. It shouldn’t cost $24 for me to send you a snake shaped neck pillow if you’re in the US.

That said, it does cost me 23€ (which is $24.53 as of writing this) to send you a snake shaped neck pillow right now. I want to emphasize that because it’s so common when shopping online to find something “underpriced” whose shipping is blown way up for profits, and I think sometimes it’s become habitual to assume that’s the case when shipping is over what Amazon would consider normal.

Another thing people do is including the shipping price within the price of the item to artificially remove shipping costs. That’s something I don’t do because A) I like transparency, and B) that would increase the platform fees you have to pay, increasing the overall price for no reason.

Ultimately, I hope that the way I do things helps people be more mindful of why things cost what they do.

To close out...

In preparation for posting this update, I’ve uploaded my tenth listing on the Artisans Cooperative marketplace. For my trans siblings, and for the pedants who have noticed that none of my wares have hearts on them:

#trans pride #actually autistic #ko-fi #artisans cooperative #crochetblr #crocheting #small business #shop small #disabled #disabled artisans #blog post

[legjames]

(a rant about good omens season 2 and why people should stop being awful to neil gaiman)

okay i’ll say it. I LIKED THE ENDING, OKAY? (after the comedown from the initial shock, of course)

it was messy and horrible and sad and depressing but it was so real. crowley and aziraphale’s relationship isn’t neatly tied up, they aren’t treated as the generic queer couple who never argue; it was so deep and personal and beautiful and messy. i’ve seen quite a few comments declaring both of their actions to be out of character and i simply have to disagree with you. crowley’s kiss was desperate and acted as his final attempt to show aziraphale how much he cared for him, how much he wanted to spend eternity with him. aziraphale is and has always experienced some crazy religious trauma which really does explain his actions around the kiss and why he chose heaven over crowley. they are messy characters. i mean, the whole show is about human nature, good and evil, right and wrong and how we, as humans, are always making mistakes. why can’t an angel and a demon make a few mistakes too? i know we all wanted the big romantic kiss but you’ve got to admit that the angst was pretty insane.

i only say this because i’m seeing a lot of hate projected towards neil gaiman and the rest of the production team which is so unbelievably unfair. i know the ending was a shock but surely the pain and raw agony only highlights how wonderfully written it was? i’ve been a good omens fan since the tv show came out in 2019 and of course it’s annoying having to wait another few years for a possible season 3 but i really do think this season was spectacular and painful and just… wonderful. please stop saying the show is queerbaiting. it’s not. we get our love confession, we get a kiss - it’s just in a different context.

#good omens #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #guys please stop being awful to neil gaiman #so much angst and pain but we live

[penny-hartzs]

this is going to be long. i saw ur post about j0sh/rachel and the whole wild “grooming” allegations and i have to say it comes 100% from people shipping rachel with tom and wanting to feel validated by finding a reason to “dislike” her current partner. and we need to have a conversation with twitter’s obsession w white boy x biracial or woc real life shipping.

tom is their white boy of the month. also, if josh was white and a blue eyed conventionally attractive man you’ll see the allegations wouldn’t even exist cuz they would have not problem w the couple. might u, tom is also the same age as josh. i find a bit of racist too but i won’t go there. them just not considering josh attractive enough to be w her so she should be w her white attractive co-star instead.

i’ve been following rachel since 2019 when she was announced as maria in wss because i am a musical girlie and she’s been friends w josh ever since then. 3 years of friendship and 2 years of relationship. rachel is a very friendly. you can tell she befriends people very quickly and isn’t shy about showing that love to friends. the same thing she does w tom now she’s been very vocal to her other friends she holds dear as well. her legit best friend for ages is a man.

those people suddenly being so concerned for rachel want josh to be a ped0 so badly to the point of exaggerating the whole situation. and doing that just shows they want ppl to deliberately hate on josh and ship her w tom. it doesn’t come from a genuine concern. out of all the post i’ve seen wanting to claim she was “gr0omed” they want to make it seem like they started dating during wss when they started dating two years later (late 2021). and i was there to see their friendship to relationship turning point. rachel was 20. both were consenting adults. and josh was also 24/25 not “almost 30” like some say to exaggerate the situation. they have exactly a 5 year age difference. (both born in may).

i feel like so many people see age differences and scream so bad because 21 being the drinking age in the us has twisted their minds. they want to paint rachel as a little girl that had not agency about the relationship she gets in. as if she and her family haven’t been close to him for 3 years prior. i even saw someone say “hope rachel has a good influence in her life that can advice her” girl u dont know those people. why are u making some wild allegations like this. allegations that can ruin someone’s career and entire image. they have been in what it seems to be a really good relationship for 2 years now. rachel’s family is very close with him. and they are very private despite being “public”. they seem to share when it’s needed but keep the relationship mostly to themselves. josh isn’t very active on social media and frankly, i feel like since he is starting his movie career he doesn’t want to be known as “rachel’s bf” cuz people are already calling him nepo bf and that he gets roles only cuz of rachel and he is really talented. and the whole “he doesn’t even support her publicly like tom”. first, tom replied to a post made on his own account about his current co-star. and josh not only isn’t that active on social media but he doesn’t have enough star power yet. they also seem to have two different love languages. rachel is very vocal/physical. he seems more chill. the most important thing is that he was the person with rachel when she was getting mass hated and the fact she even has to clarify (in her 2023 appreciation post) that her bf was there for her is wild cuz people are too chronically online these days and measure love with public postings. and most people didn’t know she was in a relationship until the tgh press tour lmao.

another wild thing i saw from people is saying “they’re in different life stages and that’s weird” well, not really. they’re both in their 20s and embarking in acting together. they both got their first acting job in wss. they’re on the same train and live a life very different from ours.

i get people feeling weird over the fact she was 17 turning 18 when she met him and he was 23. but that doesn’t necessarily meant she was gro0med. not every age different comes from an abusive environment and it’s really weird. and i literally have met people that have been friends for a while and naturally felt in love and have been together for ages. like let’s find ourselves an honest concern to yell about truly.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, you gave me some new perspective on Rachel and Josh's relationship I didn't have and also thanks for sharing your opinion with me!

People on twitter and tiktok shipping women with their male costars is certainly not a new phenomenon but I've been seeing it grow insanely popular these last few years: from Halle Bailey and Jonah Hauer-King, India Amarteifio and Corey Mylchreest, Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya, Rachel Zegler and Tom Blyth and so on and so on. It doesn't matter that most of these people were/are in relationships with others (and are pretty vocal about it), we're still going to see fancams of the co-stars posing on the red carpet together (with a romantic song as the musical background) and tweets about their 'natural chemistry' are going to go viral again and again.

I think it's absolutely fair to talk about racism when stans are rooting for a woman of color to break up with her boyfriend (also a man of color) and get with her white co-star, but the thing is, most of them know it's wrong, so they come up with other reasons to justify the hate towards their fave's partner: Halle Bailey's boyfriend makes it easy for them, but Josh and Rachel seem to keep fairly to themselves so they had to dig deeper. So on the one hand, I think the weird allegations Josh is receiving right now are based on the simple (and idiotic) fact that people want Rachel to be with Tom. On the other hand it opens up a huge topic of conversation about age gaps in couples, and especially in Hollywood. I personally believe that five years apart is a perfectly appropriate age gap between a couple and I have no idea how Rachel and Josh are supposed to be in 'different stages of their life', since they are both upcoming actors, starred in the same successful movie and are in their early and mid twenties. I dont understand why it's even an issue for anyone and tbh I find it disheartening that Rachel has such lovely things to say about him and seems to genuinely love him very much only for her fans to call him a groomer and wish for them to break up. Grooming someone is a serious, dangerous thing and if online users keep using those words for situations like Rachel and Josh, they'll end up losing all meaning. Lastly, I know social media is a huge part of our lives, but I still find it completely stupid to judge anyone's relationship on their instagram and twitter activity. Have we learned nothing from those men who post their wives on their main page while simultaneously sending dick pics to models?

Let's end it with a pic of them, because they're cute and it's almost christmas

#rachel zegler #i probably had more to say but my brain is mush #josh andres rivera

[mino-diabolik]

Five Years of Mystic Tsukinami

This August it’ll be five years since I created Mystic’s blog. And since I’ve reached the 500 followers mark not long ago, I thought I’ll compile a few fun facts and others about the blog and how Mystic’s character developed through the years into the rampant, chaotic-horny, grinning Founder you all know today! ✨

Origins

I started this blog in August of 2018 thanks to the encouragement of a good friend and fellow Kino-lover, @munarisblog! I only interacted with the Hispanic community of DL’s fandom at the time, writing in Spanish all the time.

I’m not very sure when, but as friends started being less and less active, I turned to putting out content in English and getting myself out there by sending the first ask/starter to other blogs. Through which I acquired incredibly mutuals and people I very much consider friends today ✨

Designs

The first ever imagery of Mystic’s design I had to show for was manga-clips and Picrew depictions, as it was what everyone was doing back in the day.

The manga clips, I used even up to a few months ago, but the Picrew avatar is very, very old. So, if you recognize it: Congratulations, you’ve been in this hellhole for quite a while LMAO

I later received the opportunity to obtain a proper sprite for Mystic! It being made for me by the talented @/lavendel081 ✨

I believe these were introduced some time in 2018/2019. Don’t quote me on that, though. I’m not quite sure, but pretty confident it was very early on. I’m still greatly thankful to Lavendel for offering to make this sprite of Mystic for me back then.

Moving to the present, summer 2022, I got in contact with Lavendel once more in order to properly commission new sprites for Mystic. The finally product—which, fun fact, were coincidentally done by Mystic’s birthday on the dot lol—are the Mystic you interact with presently.

As for Mystic’s other forms, I’ve only shown his wolf form. Which I will present here in both their past and current versions—

I’m the future, I plan to make (at least) a sprite for Mystic’s owl form :D

Character Development

I was going to say I didn’t mean this as in dumping trauma on him, but that’s a lie lmao

In the beginning, Mystic was very much a flat character with very little interesting attributes to him, besides the fact he was an OC descendant of the Tsukinami. His personality was very much based on Shin’s back then, aside from a few aspects that would be considered extremely out of character today.

Early-Mystic used to be extremely shy and easily flustered, being (and forgive me for the wording lmao) a virgin who had no experience in love whatsoever. That is to say, Kino was his first-everything back in the day. Not to mention, he was your typical prince-boy that never had to lift a hand for why he wanted. That is to say, he was pretty whiny.

The current version of Mystic I have today is the abso-fucking-lutely opposite. Sleeps around, trauma based off past relationships, flirty, emotionally-unavailable, outgoing—you get it.

Not to mention, a lot of his backstory is based off the very vague notes I had of him during his early stages. Back then, I knew he was a prince, but truly had no clue where I was going with the Owl Clan and their lore. What you see today is the most detailed his backstory has ever been.

Routes appearances

Oh my god, I cringe just thinking about it. The very first version I wrote of Mystic’s LE route is very much what I described of his character during early-stages (refer to the inexperienced, easily flustered virgin fellow). It was a mess. He was so boringly weak, I could have made him a human and there (mostly) not had been much difference.

The Mystic I’ve depicted in his (in-progress) Dark Fate route is the kind of character Mystic is presently, and who is much like the canon that should be followed.

This post isn’t all that impressive (I’m still considering making something else that includes my followers/community), but I thought it fun to make something that could trace back to the very beginning. I’m really thankful for those that have been here for a long time, but also you guys that have just arrived months, or even weeks prior.

I’ve met incredibly writers and characters through Mystic, with whom I hope to be able to continue interacting with ^^

I’m not very good at this kinds of speeches, so I won’t stretch this out any more;;; Thank you once more, and stay tuned for more! ⭐️😈⭐️

#diabolikloversoc #mystic tsukinami #danny #500 followed special

[enigma-absolute]

when u get this u have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite mutuals (non-negotiable, positivity is cool!)

Both you and @choasuqeen had sent me this at roughly the same time, so I guess I’m gonna have to answer this with ten things instead, which is fine!

I was able to cut, sew and stitch on a collar on to my Steve shirt in time to wear it out to my local convention with Blue in hand! Here's one of many photos!

2. Still can't believe I'm saying this, but I managed to rope in three friends to help me sing a cover of 'The Rainbow Connection' for a friend's belated birthday present. I genuinely still listen to it because... wow. It genuinely made both my friend and I tear up when we listened to it together over discord.

(And honestly, we could all do with a bigger choir together...)

3. I'm actually kinda proud of how far my art's come since I started keeping sketchbooks. Looking at the shelf on my right from 2019 to now (though I started in 2013), it's nuts how much I've drawn in those years.

4. On the topic of sewing and sketchbooks, I'm actually kinda surprised I still have bookbound my own sketchbooks, and now they sit in wait to be used someday, ready and waiting in their drawers until I choose the next to go ham with.

5. ...oh my god I still can't fully grasp the weight of having written my show's complete pilot episode, complete since last year for Honours. I know I usually talk and think about it in a very light manner, but dude! I have LORE for that story in SEVERAL notebooks, building and retconning and rewriting as I've gone. I did that??? I DID that?????!!!!!

6. If I really like someone international and online (PLATONICALLY), I'm the kind of woman to mail them physical gifts. The fact that I've sent so much mail and have a minor hoarde of envelopes and sealing wax should say something. This only comes at a certain level of closeness though, since, well, of course. You don't go exchanging physically addresses that easily.

7. Something I hadn’t noticed myself until someone had pointed it out to me is that I’m very outwardly silly in front of my friends. And why shouldn’t I be, I love it! I love that I can say or do something that can make my friends laugh; that I have the lack of care to just do a family guy death pose in a video games shop, get a lab coat for a Beaker Bit, or even have the dumbest grin and cackle while everyone else is done at another dad joke I can think of on the spot.

8. It’s hard to believe it now, but me ten years ago on this hellsite didn’t really have two cares about fashion aside from emulating her idol at the time. Now? I’ve developed some tastes and aesthetics, and while I still have a way to keep growing, I’ve found multiple styles and dream outfits and even outfits I own that not only work in comfort, but also style. Velvet green flared pants? Gold jeans? Bright blue overcoat? Vests? YES.

9. Now that I think about it, I’m… actually kind of impressed with my range of voice acting and impressions? Yes it’s very silly and often for the bit, but I’ve had people compliment my Kermit the Frog voice before, and even if I can’t reach the octave Columbo is at, I can still do the vibes.

10. This is off the back of having a psychology appointment recently, but... I'm kinda proud of how far I've come, honestly. From a lost and lonely and scared girl stuck in NZ to someone about to get a teacher's aide job (hopefully, pray for me y'all!) at her old school's sister school for kids on the spectrum - WITH a Bachelor's and Honours in Animation. In Australia. Who would've thought? I sure didn't. But now I'm here.

#enni answers #rose-red-ink #choasuqeen #I’ve increasingly implied that I’m bad with chain mail ask games #pma #this tag is for me don't worry

[magireco-minibang]

ABOUT AND FAQ

What is a Mini Bang?

The Magia Record Mini Bang is a fandom event for writers and artists, with the goal of creating collaborative work based on and inspired by the mobile game Magia Record (and its spinoff media).

Participating authors will each write a fanfiction of at least 5,000 words. Once the authors have decided on and submitted summaries for their work, the stories will be claimed by artists and matched. As the author works on completing their work, they will collaborate with the artist. Then, each artist will create at least one piece of accompanying fanart.

Once we reach the deadline, all fic writers and artists will 'reveal' their work, resulting in a 'bang' of MagiReco fan content.

PLEASE DIRECT ANY QUESTIONS NOT ANSWERED IN THIS POST TO OUR ASK BOX.

Alternately, you can contact @abarero at any of my linked social media accounts (twitter, tumblr, or discord).

How Does it Work?

Once signups open, authors will have until early April to complete a MagiReco fanfiction of at least five thousand words. A month into the writing period, they must submit an anticipated summary of their piece, and closer to the end of the event, they must submit a draft showing that at least two thousand words have been written.

Before the summaries are submitted and artists are selected, you must keep the contents of your fics secret. This is because we want the artist/author selection process to remain anonymous. You may discuss your piece with close friends or your beta reader, but not on social media or in the official discord. Once an artist is assigned to your work, both artist and author may freely discuss their works in progress on social media, discord, etc.

A month into the event, summaries are received and posted publicly for artists to see. Artists then go through and pick the TOP THREE summaries they would like to draw art for most. We will do our best to get artists the summaries they prioritize highest, but it's very important they select three, because unfortunately giving everyone their number one pick is likely impossible.

Artists will be allowed to tell us pairings, squicks, triggers, tropes, ratings, characters, etc that they refuse to draw for, and they can also inform us if there are any participants they are not comfortable working with (we will publish a list of all participants before this date).

Once the posting period begins in early April, participants may post their works at any time throughout it. Collaborating art and fic should be posted at the same time, so you will need to work this out with your partner. You can, but are not required to embed your art in the fic. If it makes you more comfortable, you are welcome to post the art separately and link it in the fic (and the artist must link your fic in the art post). Or you can do both!

All of these will of course be reblogged to this blog!

Who is in charge here?

Mod Abarero (she/her, cis lesbian): This is my first time running a bang, but I've run several large fandom projects before. I’ve been playing MagiReco since August 2019, survived playing on both the NA and CN servers until closure and still play regularly on the JP Server. This project is part of my yearly goal to spread my MagiReco love to the fandom.

Tumblr: @abarero

Twitter: abarerokitty

Discord: Abarero

At this point in time I am moderating this by myself, as I don't anticipate it being too large for me to handle, but on the off chance it does, I will add a second mod.

FAQ:

What can I write?

Whatever you want as long as it’s Magia Record. There is no rating restriction (but you must be CLEAR about the rating when submitting your summary, and participants under eighteen cannot write or draw for mature fics). Alternate Universe is acceptable, as is crossover as long as the focus is primarily on the MagiReco cast.

Finished fics must be posted on A03. If you do not have an A03 account and need one, let me know.

Finished fics will also be added to a MagiReco mini-bang collection.

Why secrecy?

To keep things fair. Writers who are well known or prolific are more likely to get artists flocking to their summaries. This way both writers and artists get an equally fair shot.

Can anyone participate?

Yes, absolutely. Just sign up.

What happens if there are more writers than artists?

In this admittedly likely scenario, there will be a section of the artist signup form that asks if you are willing to complete art for more than one fanfiction.

If you are, please select 'yes' and let us know (tentatively, this does not have to be set in stone) how many you think you can do. It is perfectly fine if you can only do one.

There will also be a section for if you are willing to 'pinch hit' i.e. complete a piece of art if someone drops.

Can I do something that isn't art? Cosplay, gifs, graphics, or fanvids?

Yes you can! However, there will be a section on the form for writers for if they'd prefer only art, or they'd be willing to collaborate on another medium. Please do sign up though!

Can I sign up as both author and artist?

Yes. Definitely. Just fill out both forms.

CONTENT GUIDELINES:

• ALL work must have sensitive content labeled.

This includes the standard A03 labels (Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage), as well as anything else you may deem necessary. Please do not just label something 'dead dove, do not eat!’ You must explain what the dead dove is. All pairings present must also be labeled.

• As mentioned earlier, mature content is okay, but participants under eighteen cannot write or draw for it.

PROCESS:

1. Writers and artists both sign up. Writers begin drafting their fics and preparing their summaries.

2. Writers submit summaries. Artists select their top three favorite summaries, and they are assigned one (or more) fic to draw for. They are given the contact information for their writer.

3. It is required that participants join the official mini-bang discord to help communication between artists, writers and mod.

4. Once the deadline comes around, you are free to post your fics and art! If your story is a chapter fic, you do not have to post it all in one go, but it MUST be majority posted by the time the posting period has ended. (If you have a longer fic and want to space out chapters on a weekly basis starting in April, feel free to do so.) The goal is to try and have it mostly finished by the final posting date of May 1st, 2024.

CHECK-INS:

There will be two check-ins.

1. First check-in is one month in, when you submit your summary and acknowledge to us that you have contacted or been contacted by your artist.

For artists, we ask you to acknowledge to us you have contacted or been contacted by the author.

2. Second check-in is one week before the due date. At this time we will ask to see at least two thousand words of writing. It is okay if it is in 'draft' stage and not polished or beta read. For artists, we will ask to see a preliminary sketch. This CAN be rough.

SOCIAL MEDIA:

As noted, please do not discuss your bang on social media until you have been assigned an artist.

You will be asked to provide at least two forms of contact in your signup form.

PLEASE join our discord. The link will be provided to all participants on acceptance into the bang. I cannot ask for this enough, because it will make it so much easier for us to do check-ins and for you to collaborate with your partner. There will also be channels where you can brainstorm with your fellow creatives.

#!modpost

[glindaselphie]

so I wanted to put my perspective on the show out there as someone who is a big fan of both it and the books it is based on! I’ve seen a few of these around and just wanted to put mine out there.

now bear in mind: the show is what got me to read the books. I started season one in 2019, enjoyed it, went out and got the books mid way through, finished book one before s1 had even finished airing and finished the entire trilogy quickly after that. they have been my absolute favourite books ever since and so the show will always have a special place in my heart for that reason. the only other familiarity I had with the story was the film and had I not started my journey with the adaptations, perhaps my perspective might be a bit different.

I do understand - and sometimes agree with! - people’s complaints about things. I agree that I do think we should have got more of marisa’s violent side for example. I think what we did get was excellent - those scenes of her torturing the witch? I shudder thinking about it tbh - but I also do think more of it would have helped with a lot of people’s complaints about her characterisation.

that said? I do think her characterisation in the book is a tad inconsistent and I can see why they did flesh her out a bit more the way they did. yeah it takes away some of the mystery of her but I do think that mystery would have been difficult to properly translate on screen imho. I also do think they wanted to give her a more concise arc from season one to season three, and I do think it works well. I do think they still could have done stuff like having the monkey ripping up bats for example, but in their defense I think that may well have been due to change of scenery for those scenes and maybe they thought bats being there wouldn’t have worked as well.

I know marisa isn’t the only one that’s a tad different from the books too but she’s the one I see talked about most. I also see people criticising LMM’s portrayal of lee which I also understand. personally I don’t think he did a bad job character or acting-wise but lee is meant to be an old man so he is quite a bit different from how he is in the book on that basis.

that said? this show will always be my favourite and these books will always be my favourite! because personally? I think they compliment each other really well!

adaptations are never going to please everyone and tbf this isn’t pullman’s show, this is jack thorne’s. he is essentially just a fan of the books same as you and me and his perspective on the characters may well be different than other’s. the show is essentially just an officially produced fanwork - which is basically what most adaptations are tbh - and the same way some may like certain fanfics and others might not, I can see why there are mixed views on the show.

overall I quite liked the portrayal of the characters that the show did! I think the show captures the heart of them, their arc and the story very well and I can tell that the people who made it have a lot of love for the original works ❤️

#HDM #his dark materials #marisa coulter #sir philip pullman #jack thorne #laur.txt

[dafukdidiwatch]

As much as I think this is a brilliant idea to liveblog and would absolutely love to do it, I have unfortunately already seen Epithet Erased. I remember watching it since Dec 2019. I’ve watched it so many times on repeat that I mentally watch all 7 episodes. I manage to get a Giovanni Plush when they were on sale. This was a Pandemic Comfort Show for me and my sister when 2020 happened. I absolutely recommend this show every chance I get because it is incredible and amazing and everyone should watch it.

So yeah, sorry about not liveblogging it, but here’s some of my opinions about the show:

Ramsey Murdoch is my favorite character, I have a preference for rat bastard con men

I actually really disliked Giovanni when he first appeared. I thought he was just annoying Team Rocket. It took me to his and Molly’s heart-to-heart before I turned. Now he’s tied for Second fav

My sister’s most hated line in the series is “Why does your knife have a bat taped to it” which makes me laugh

I have never NOT quoted Indus whenever we go see dinosaur anything

In fact, we use a lot of quotes from this show all the time. “They Tried their Bargain Bin Best” “EVIL! Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil!” “Let me do my goddamned job”

Indus is also Second Fav. You can’t argue with stupid or himbo, and my man has both. He’s just way too earnest to hate even a little bit

Coupon Boy has top tier epithet power just for the sheer audacity of it being an actual decent power while being stupid as fuck

Ramsey’s line “Am I having an aneurysm what is happening” almost broke me which was bad because I was working at my old job when I first watched the series, so I had to really try not to laugh by my coworkers

I’ve nicknamed the mystery Red Robe dude at the end of the series Barry Bluejeans because why not, TAZ lives in my head rent free

Not sure what Epithet I would have if I pick one, but I would definitely rather it be more Creative than anything. I like being versatile and clever overall. 

I love figuring out powers based on single words, because it makes it my mission to come up with as many abilities as I can for it lol

Redwood Run is my favorite part, since it has all the coolest characters interacting with one another and the best action scenes (Zora, Howie, Percy, Ramsey, Giovanni)

I got a headcanon that the Epithet Erased world is either A) how things started out when Quirks first appeared like in MHA or B) the American version of how we would have treated Quirks

I have a whole ass thing on detailing the power-structure of Quirks vs Epithets vs Devil Fruits (If I can find the time to actually write it lol)

Absolutely feel free to shout at me about anything Epithet Erased related because I love this show with all my heart and will Absolutely chat your ear off of things

#dafukblog #dafuk-answers #epithet erased #love this show so much #love all the characters and intro music and outro music and everything #ask #if I could wipe my mind so I can have a fresh rewatch of this show I would #epithet #powers #idk give me a word and I will detail you what type of abilities the epithet will give you #why not that would be fun

[translationandbetrayals]

Howl's Moving Castle, BPD and why representation matters.

I remember watching Howl's Moving Castle for the first time at a very young age (my father raised me and my brother watching Ghibli's films religiously) and immediately feeling some kind of understanding of the character in a way I've never did before. I have struggled with emotional disregulation all my life, being called dramatic and even hysterical since I was a child. So, the first time I saw Howl having the "temper tantrum" moment over a small inconvenience was something that made me think "he's like me" really quickly. Obviously, as an eight year old, the thought wasn't really developed much further, and my attention was more drawn to the beautiful scenery and this idea of everlasting love that many young girls dream about. However, as I grew up re watching the film over and over again, things started to click.

The first time I received a pre diagnosis for BPD I was around 14 years old, although my first official diagnosis wasn't until I was 19, since you can't be diagnosed with a personality disorder before you are an adult.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Borderline Personality Disorder is a a "pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts". To receive a diagnosis, one should typically meet at least five out of nine symptoms.

Cluster B personality disorders are some of the most stigmatized mental illnesses, especially by their depictions in popular media. You get characters that fall under the "unstable villain" category, or somewhere closer to the "manic pixie dream girl" trope, both harmful stereotypes that affect the way people perceive patients that have BPD. One should also take into account that mental health issues are just starting to become more normalized topics of discussion, so most people in the past only had films and TV shows to form a mental image of what mental disorders look like in real life.

Please note that further on, I will be discussing mostly headcanons, as this character has never been confirmed to be neurodivergent and probably never will. So, this is just my opinion as an anime fan and a person with BPD, and you're totally entitled to disagreeing with me.

Going back to my personal experience, I remember watching the film in 2019, shortly after receiving my official BPD diagnosis, so the topic was really present in my mind at the time. I found that the way I related to this character was heavily linked with his emotional complexities, but I also felt a sense of comfort by watching him develop as a human being in a supportive environment. I quickly realized that the thing that made Howl different from other characters I related to was, precisely, that he was mostly presented in a really positive light. He was, after all, charming, loving and protective of his found family. He was complex and nuanced, but genuinely loved as well. This solidified him as one of my all time favorite characters, and now I'd like to discuss his personality traits linked to BPD criteria.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Howl exhibits this one frequently during the film. From his constant questioning about his role in the war that he's forced to participate in, to the depressive-like state in which he is portrayed while laying in his bedroom, with Sophie trying to get him out of bed. A lot of people with this disorder often feel like life has no inherent meaning when they're not engaged in risky behavior, not being able to really explain the source of this lethargy that prevents them from doing things or even be excited about daily life events. This emptiness comes from deep within and can be the reason why they seek filling the void with all sort of what could be considered as harmful behavior patterns.

Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality. Transient, stress-related paranoid idealization or severe dissociative symptoms.

Somewhat linked to the first symptom, Howl does fluctuate between complete disconnection from himself and his body, and high paranoia about losing himself to the horrors of war, and also being harmed by the queen and her curse. This might be a reach, but I also see it in the way his heart is physically separate from his body in the form of Calcifer. One can feel as if their emotions are so out of control that they seem to be someone else's, or that they act separately from one's will. This dissociative state also prevents patients from actually realizing how harmful their decisions and actions can actually be.

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

This is one of the most obvious throughout the film. He can appear completely numb in one scene, then frantic in the next one, then happy and loving towards others, then enraged. As emotional disregulation happens very often to people with BPD, these intense and changing emotions drains us of our energy, and is extremely hard to manage without proper medical aid such as behavioral therapy. Some people do look at some sort of bright side of this experience, where we feel happiness and joy just as profoundly as other emotions.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as plunging headfirst into relationships—or ending them just as quickly.

This one doesn't need a lot of explaining. Howl constantly seeks Sophie's reassurance and is totally willing to change his lifestyle and his home just to make her comfortable enough so she doesn't leave. This can come across as sweet, genuine displays of his love for her, but in real life, a person with BPD can lose themselves in the process of avoiding their loved ones leaving. The constant gifts and changes with only Sophie's well being in mind wouldn't be sustainable in a world without Howl's magical powers, after all.

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Here we have the iconic green slime meltdown scene. He, quite literally, cannot cope with the idea of his hair changing without his control. This comes across as his vanity coming to life, but I feel like there's a deeper sense to it. When he says he sees "no point in living if he can't be beautiful" he means it: he has built a great part of his identity around being perceived as pretty. This is really common among people with BPD, where the lack of a stability in identity can be overcompensated via physical appearance and presenting oneself as desirable. He acts like the world is ending because for him it is, not because he cares more about his looks than anything else.

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-harming behavior.

I'm including this two symptoms together because the way they're portrayed overlaps a lot. The way Howl acts around participating in the war comes across as just a way to endanger himself, as he explicitly says that he's not interested in the political implications of the conflict. However he keeps going into battle, transformed into the monster-like shape which Calcifer keeps pointing out as dangerous and that it could be potentially irreversible. His sense of duty towards a country is also absent (he, quite literally, plays a part in both sides) so one can only speculate what are his true motives to expose himself to deathly situations. To me, it is just the idea of danger that is appealing, these impulses to self harm whenever the opportunity arises.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

This one I also see in his monster shape: full of wrath and estrangement from everything he holds dear. When the transformation is complete, he's no longer himself, just a terrifying form of anger. People with BPD sometimes do feel like their emotions, especially rage, makes them a completely different person, harmful to themselves and others as well.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting").

For this one, you have to read a bit between the lines. At the start of the film, Sophie talks with her sister about Howl and his desire to "eat beautiful women's hearts". A lot of people with BPD jump from one relationship right into a new one, partly because of this seeking of filling the emotional void they feel, partly because of their impulsiveness. Earliest versions of the DSM referred to this as being promiscuous, and although this can have quite misogynistic undertones (as a majority of people diagnosed with BPD are women or assigned female at birth), risky sexual behavior is also a part of the symptoms that can be present in the disorder. Of course, this film is rated PG and I'm only analyzing the character through my own experience with the disorder, but this is a subtextual hint that I can see.

Even though the following two topics aren't considered diagnostic criteria, it seems important to mention them as they are commonly shared experiences among people with BPD.

First, a complex relationship with family and the idea of it. People with BPD often grow up in dysfunctional or hostile environments, one of the speculated causes of the disorder. As they navigate towards adulthood, the once neglected or abused child develops somewhat of a mixed-feelings type of relationship with families, some of us reject the concept as it brings up painful memories, and some of us become especially protective of or likely to "adopt" vulnerable children in our environments, as we see ourselves in them, and we're offered the chance to be the adult we needed but didn't have.

We know that Howl comes from a background that is, to say the least, neglectful. He raises himself in his uncle's cottage, and then he's placed under Madame Sulliman's care, a woman that is exploitative towards him in many ways. We know little else about his family background, at least in the film. However, as he becomes an adult, he quite literally adopts Markl, a young boy, as his apprentice. Towards the ending of the film we see that they have a bond that can only be described as familiar, he's protective towards Mark, and in the final scenes we see the characters acting like a happy family. This is one of the more positive aspects that can stem from the disorder, and that the film portrays in a really positive, wholesome way.

Second, the concept of a "favorite person" or FP. A FP is a person who someone with BPD relies heavily on for emotional support, seeks attention and validation from, and looks up to or idealizes. This is very different from having a best friend or a partner you love deeply, as FPs become the center of the person's life and directly influences their mood, their behavior, even their sense of self. One feels as if they simply cannot live without this person, not in the romantic sense, but quite literally. This leads to an intensification of symptoms such as impulsive behavior and fear of abandonment.

Sophie is, by all means, Howl's favorite person. Taking the whole time travel trope aside, he falls really quickly and deeply for her, and as I've mentioned before, changes his whole perspective in life because of this love. He tells her that the new most important thing in the world for him is now to protect her, and goes to war a last time just to fulfill this purpose. Sophie also has the ability to directly influence Howl's mood in a way no other character can. The important detail to note here is that, where this can be a toxic or obsessive behavior pattern to people with unmanaged BPD, here Howl learns how to navigate this newly found love and all his other emotions in a healthy way, after his heart is back on his chest. This is not automatic, he expresses the burden of this new heart, but he will gradually become accustomed to it, and this leaves you with the feeling that he's actually growing and evolving as a character, rather than things magically solving themselves when the star-crossed lovers get together.

So, why does any of this matter? Well, to me it does because of a few reasons. But this is the main one: I'm not the only person that has noticed this similarities between Howl's character arc and this disorder. Many neurodivergent and mentally ill people tend to look at characters that act similarly to them and think to themselves "hey, that's me". This innocent gesture of identifying oneself in media is really common, but for groups of people that are often marginalized, stigmatized or isolated, it becomes a sort of coping mechanism. Our experiences don't appear in your regular happy coming of age film, and we're too often forced to identify with either the villain or the really, really morally questionable characters. So, to see yourself in a character that is as loved as Howl (one of the anime community's official heartthrobs) can be really healing. After all, he's one of the good guys, and he gets his happy ending.

To conclude, I really recommend you go watch this film if you haven't already, and if you happen to watch it again in the future after you read this post, I hope I was able to give you a new perspective.

Sources used in this post: 

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder#:~:text=A%20pattern%20of%20intense%20and,reckless%20driving%2C%20and%20binge%20eating. 

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/ 

https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/borderline-personality-disorder-dsm--5-301.83-(f60.3)#:~:text=The%20DSM%2D5%20describes%20Borderline,American%20Psychiatric%20Association%2C%202013).

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/

https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-diagnosis-42517

Melián Trujillo.

#Anime #personalstory #essay #submission

[mostspecialgirl]

Insiders (2023) - redrawn from 2019

(rambling under the cut)

thank you tumblr for compressing my image down to disgusting crusty poop pixels on the app

i love to do a new big reference piece for my babies every few years, and the time has finally come due… and WOW !!! LOOK AT THAT IMPROVEMENT !!! everyone looks Normal And Alive and Non Bugeyed !!! everyone is a little less pasty white (im talking about you, tanith) !!! i think they all show a lil bit of nice personality in their faces now too which is lovely for me. i love to see my children happy. now to write about each of them

angelo’s line art has the least effort into it here and i was GONNA redraw him but honestly if anyone is going to look like a scrunkly little bug IT IS GOING TO BE HIM !!!!!! It’s been a minute since i’ve drawn his body-saws and on a whim i made them red AND !!! IT WORKS !!! I’M A FAN !!! i think he’s due for a main-outfit change though. not sure. i struggled with finding him a natural-looking skin color too because i’ve slowly made him as a person less undead-corpse-like and i think i’ve found a good spot. for now.

i pulled the perfect angora out of my mind and honestly i am shocked at what i have created. she looks so sweet and kind and innocent here (as she should) that to any unfamiliar observers you’d be hard pressed to tell she’s a big lazy gross vulgar piece of shit rat of a fishwoman. and that is EXACTLY how it should be. i have lost the plot for too long, giving her more sharp edges and a hunched back and wild expressions, but the standard angora really should be deceptively pretty. because that’s my girl.

Mila looks great as always. What more can I say? She’s always perfect. I had fun giving her lips for the first time!

AMPH … MY ADISHESHA … (slamming my fist down) I’ve finally perfected him… isn’t he pretty? isn’t he so pretty? I chose to draw him in his naga/incarnated form instead of the shadow form this time because i wasn’t lazy. I decided to throw a big coat on him, originally intended to be more lab coat-y, but influenced by how fucking cold it is outside i allowed myself to give him a big fur collared one. because if you can’t tell i love giving characters though. i think it worked out well for AMPH here, and now I have to be putting him in all sorts of cowls and capes until the end of time.

TANITH !!!!!!!! GGGGYRRRRAAAAHHHHH!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL !!!!!!! I’M FERAL OVER THIS!!!!!! LOOK AT MY IMPROVEMENT !!!!!!! it’s been a hot minute since i’ve colored her, but i changed her palette in my mind a while ago AND looking at it here ? existing ? i’ve done it again. My lovely little sword daughter … i know i JUST doodled her but christ something was in the water here because SHE LOOKS SO GOOD. this is the best ive drawn any of them. i gave her some nice clothes this time instead of her usual big t-shirt because i realized i only gave her that in the past because i didn’t know how to draw clothes.

speaking of “best ive ever drawn any of them” somnus … THIS IS HIM … i’ve gotten close to capturing him in all the times i’ve drawn him but i think i’ve finally pinned him down here. and of course, he’s hitting the same pose as his wife because they’re cute like that. i ripped his colors straight from the solo reference piece i made for him a while back which has held up quite wonderfully.

FINALLY !!! SETH IS HERE !!! HE HAS ARRIVED IN PROPER INSIDERS GROUP ART !!! he looks pretty good here. i think he could still look BETTER, but for the purpose of having a nice group reference piece he looks pretty great i think. I struggled pinning down some colors for his clothes and was pretty lazy with the Purple Under His Hair That Glows BUT WHO CARES !!!! LOOKS GOOD TO ME !!! LOOK AT MY HANDSOME SON !!! i also decided to stick his full name on here that i’ve kept vaulted up for the reason that i’ve never had to put it anywhere before. if you know why he has “-zoe adamiel” as his chosen full name, congrats, you’re a huge fucking nerd.

eventually, i’m probably going to tack daisy, kane, sampi and demiurge onto the right side of this piece, but that’s for another day down the line. thanks for reading!

#insiders #oc #oc art #original character #original characters #oc design #oc designs #mostspecialgirlarttag #relicverse #sinai clan #angelo rust #angora heta #mila sinai #amph #tanith #soma somnus #seth-zoe adamiel

[plural-aita]

AWTA for not understanding if why we’ve been blocked by a friend?

I (me alone) sent a similar story on AITA but this is a more of “did we handle this properly” question rather than “did I handle this wrong” question. For context I’m part of a system and I have a host who we’ll call A (M18). A became friends with two people who we’ll call S (M20) and C (GF21) way back in 2019. They knew our body’s sister who we’ll call D (F20) and as such they were all friends with each other. However because of Covid and A being rather weird at communication they sorted of stopped communicating.

Last year however A and D started talking to S and C again. They started to become a friend group and also added the edition of C’s cousin who we’ll call L (NB16). Unfortunately however A never told them we were a system as they found out around mid 2020 when we started to lose touch with them. On top of that A tells people they trust that we are a system. First we confessed to S who we told could tell us if they have an issue with any headmate including or whatnot if one occurs and we’ll try our best to fix it no questions asked nor arguments will happen. We also said they could ask for whoever is fronting whether or not they think it’s A or not. Eventually however we spilled to D and C we were a system since we were in person and questions could be asked if they were any (reason we didn’t tell D sooner is because we rather scared she’d reject us). We gave them the same speech and told them the exact same thing. L was never told since the plan was to tell them the next time we see them in person.

However problems arose when a rather rude headmate fronted. S and L were talking about a show they were watching and this headmate said some rather nasty stuff about that said thing. S and L didn’t like this as it was rude and included flawed logic. Because of that headmate S and L didn’t want to be friends. A eventually fronted (since they were gone in the innerworld) and apologized for the system as whole for the headmate but both S and L said they wanted distance for now. We had to spill the beans about being a system to L of course since it was that headmate who said those things. We did talk to D about this but all they asked was if we apologized. C was talked to too and they were okay with being our friend, but they told us they were going to give everyone in the system including A “tough love” for that headmate’s actions.

We understood until we noticed when A vented to them C was being rather biased for S and L. They told rather rude things ranging from assuming S and L felt unsafe around us because of that headmate and trying to say it’s not our fault but then literally saying our fault us for “not making it clear who’s fronting.” We couldn’t make it clear since L was in a groupchat with us and as I’ve said L didn’t know we were a system until that instance. Also DMs exist they could’ve asked as we told them they could. They also stated they knew we made S uncomfortable more than twice but he didn’t say anything because he hates confrontation and is too nice to say something. If that was true S should’ve said something to us not C since A told them they could. We would’ve understood and changed our behavior. Also keep in mind S is 20. He is an adult and should know to have an adult conversation with us since we’re also bodily an adult.

Basically I just want to know if I’m thinking about this wrong or if I’m in the right. Did we handle this situation wrong?

#plural aita

[beautifulhigh]

On grief, feeling what we feel, and taking a step back

I’m writing this having literally just finished listening to an interview my cousin did on a radio show about grief, about the way we feel when we lose a relationship that isn’t romantic or familiaral. Losing a friendship, a collegiate relationship, having to say goodbye to someone close to you.

I have thoughts that I want to get out so they’re under the cut. Trigger warnings for death, grief, depression & anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and a whole bunch of other misery.

Part of why I’ve been feeling so lost recently is because the end of February is the anniversary of my best friend, and then her birthday is 1 March, so basically that week I end up whirling myself up into grief and solemnity and rememberance. Brina was Jewish, had meningitis, and so within the space of a week I’d gone from getting the first message that she was sick, to coming home from her funeral. It felt like, in that week, I didn’t have time to process it.

It was also the start of some epic shit at work, shit that would eventually push my anxiety into depression, into suicidal thoughts and self harm. It felt like the first domino to fall in my life: I lost my best friend, I lost my confidence at work, and it felt like I was losing everything. It felt like everything was coming for me and for a while I considered letting it win.

I’m getting to the stage now where I look back on that time and see it as something I couldn’t have changed, couldn’t have prevented. There was no way I could have stopped what happened, the sequence of events. I got help. I got out of teaching and while I missed it for a bit I don’t now. The timing of everything that’s happened in my life since I resigned summer of 2019 has been a stepping stone to get me to here.

And I mostly like here, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Losing Bri hurts, but not like it did in that first year. When I would pick up my phone to message her only to remember as our thread got further and further down my list. I remember my phone breaking and I nearly had a panic attack because I thought I was going to lose all those messages. God bless Samsung and their autoback up and transfer.

I’m getting better at focusing on her memory being a blessing. Listening to my cousin talk in that interview about grief and how it doesn’t care whether you were family or in love or knew them for three score years and ten. Losing someone is still losing someone and you still have things that were yours, that you feel like you don’t have anymore.

It still hurts, it’s going to hurt for a long time to come, and it hurts more when people don’t see and recognise that pain. For those people still in my life who see me dealing with it - or trying to - and to then brush it off or try to push it away? I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. This is my grief, my pain, my sorrow and my joy. You don’t have to come and sit with me in it but if you do I’ll tell you stories about dropping radios into canals, and wrong orders at restuarants, and sneaking backstage at a panto.

At that point something kicked off at work - someone was getting upset at how I was treating them, I was upset at how they were treating me, and in the “discussion” that was organised to deal with it it became very clear they weren’t interested in hearing my side of things. They told me that I don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and I should think about how my actions could be taken, and when I tried to say “you have a point, here’s my story” I was talked over and shut down. It made me feel like my life, my thoughts didn’t mater.

This year I spent those Serious Days™ in Los Angeles. I got to meet Emma in person and I had the most amazing time. And so dealing with them felt easier and I was happy and I was making all the memories they say you should.

Then I got on a plane and I came home and I crashed. Big style. I didn’t want to go back to work because that last day I’d been shut out of a conversation. That anxiety made me pull back and not say much and even then it felt like anything I did say was coming with a side of “oh shut up Jen”. Because I was wrong about something (even when I wasn’t), because it wasn’t my place to say something (even when it was an open discussion). Because I was shutting people out (even when I was offering up something that no one else knew or hand experience of).

I felt lost, I felt alone, and I was honestly scared because my anxiety was bubbling up and those awful dark thoughts were back in my head. Because who actually wanted me around?

I even started to lose my place in fandom: I’d express an opinion on something and have someone reply with an essay about why all my thoughts on this were wrong and rude and oh my god I can’t believe you would attack us like this do you just hate people? I’d say something and get an “well ACTUALLY” response. Even when it wasn’t, everything started to feel like an attack and I needed to do something before I, well, did something.

It’s why my parting comment before my mini semi hiatus was to be kind to yourselves. Because I want to believe that those who said and did things towards me these past few months weren’t coming to attack me. I want to believe that words on a screen without tone feed into our own interpretations and understanding of things and this is why things were not taken the way that they should have been.

Probably on both sides.

I’m literally tearing up as I write this, and for once that’s not internet hyberbole. Because I’m still not OK, but I am better than I was. I miss my friend and I will always miss her and I need to get better at sitting with my grief all year ‘round so that the week in February/March doesn’t slam into me.

If someone isn’t going to listen to me, then that’s on them. If they won’t hear my side of the story then I can’t make them. It could be they don’t care, it could be that they’re not ready to. If when I get to say to someone, “hey this thing upset me” they don’t apologise? I can’t make them. “I’m sorry if” isn’t an apology - there’s no if when someone literally tells you how they feel. If they don’t think they did anything wrong then that isn’t my fault. I need to get better at believing that and not thinking that somehow I’ve fucked up.

It still feels like it. It still feels like I’m fucking up everything I touch and so hey, maybe I shouldn’t touch things like ever and maybe I should just fuck off...

I want to try and find my space in this world. I want to take up space and not only feel OK that I’m taking up space but to understand that I am allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to like things people don’t and I’m allowed to dislike things people like (with all the usual caveats about people getting hurt etc etc but seriously - if you read this and go WELL ACTUALLY then you haven’t been paying attention to what this post is trying to say. Fuck off of you want to willfully misinterpret it). I’m allowed to say what I think and what I feel and I am not only allowed to have people in my life who will care about that and respect me for it, but I deserve that.

I deserve people in my life who are willing to listen to how I feel. I deserve people in my life who apologise without any hesitation or attempt at equivocation when they upset me, whether it’s intentional or not. I deserve to feel what I feel and think what I think and not be made to feel bad or less because of it. I deserve to have the time and space to express what I’m feeling so it doesn’t end up coiled so tightly in my body I feel like I need to cut it out.

And I want to be here. In every sense of that phrase. I really, really do. But sometimes it’s really fucking hard.

I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I can’t make people be kinder to me - and god so many of you are already more supportive and loving and amazing than I could have ever hoped - but this is where I’m at. This is what has been happening to me. With me.

I’m OK, I haven’t relapsed. I was closer than I would have liked when I started this semi hiatus and I have only gotten better as a result. I’m stabilising on my meds so there’s another good point. I know I’m kinda around but I’m not back-back yet, and listening to my cousin talk about grief and relationships this evening made me realise that if I don’t face it, sit with it, live with it and deal with it, then this will just come around and around and around like the worst fucking merry-go-round there is.

Jen

x

#jen and her broken brain #an update of sorts #semi hiatus posting #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: death #tw: grief #tw: self harm #tw: sucidal thoughts

[airyucat]

Hello again, tumblr. It’s a fitting that that my first post back comes from a place of deep pain. I used tumblr a lot in grad school, some of the most painful years of adulthood. It’s not that I don’t trust my loved ones, but it’s that I still have intrusive thoughts that I let become thoughts. But this animation also comes from a place of deep gratitude. I wanted to add more outlines to the video, but if you’re in it, how dare you not give up on me >:c How dare you always support me, no matter what I’m going through. Absolutely rude (am I supposed to specify sarcasm here). If you’re in the video, I love you inexplainable amounts. And if you’re not, or you’re wondering if you are, I probably love you too. But I have a constant feeling of a valley bigger Valles Marineris cut through my being. Loved one prove to me they love me over and over again, and my stupid scientist brain collects stupid evidence and puts together a stupid hypothesis and runs simulation upon simulation on why this is wrong actually, why those people don’t care about me, why they’re lying to me actually. I have far away friends on other states and countries, so we try and plan online events, that get cancelled or where 2 people show up and can only stay for 15 minutes. If you truly cared about me, why don’t you call, or message, or reach out, of your own volition. Why do I have to wait until I’m cracking and deseperate and seek you out in pain for us to connect? I left an online group I loved - I let one person ruin it for me - and there went a big piece of my life. And people who said they still cared about me, why should a hi every now and then be enough? We used to move mountains with tremendous conversations, but now I just get a Merry Christmas in response to me saying it. I have friends here, in norcal, that live 2 hours away by driving, and 3 hours away by public transit. It’s exhausting, I often need to spend the night if it’s a late event, and I’m so far away that there are events I miss by not knowing about them. I’ve known them forever, but like, not as long as the full time I’ve known them. I met some before moving to Michigan for grad school, others when visited norcal but lived in michigan and then socal. So I was MIA physically from their lives from 2012-2018

Trauma led me to move back to norcal at the end of 2018. I got a job in SF, and my now spouse, Tai, and I moved to a cheap area still far from friends. It was supposed to be temporary, but I’m bad with money, and weddings can be expensive, and it’s hard to save up when a pandemic hits. But, in late 2018, everything felt broken, awful, horrible. Honestly that time and the year before felt like “what if our whole polycule that hadn’t even formed yet fucked up every thing every where all at once.”

So, 2019 was the year Tai and I took time to ourselves fix serious issues in our relationship, which meant we were distant from everyone, no matter the distance. We got cats at the start of the year though, two of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The end of 2019 was when we we finally reconnected back with our poly partners, and started reaching out to friends. And then, well, happy happy 2020 pandemic. Mid-2021 was spent reconnecting for me, but disconnecting for Tai, for similar reasons. “If you truly cared about me, why didn’t you reach out until you found out how bad things were.” I like to think we’re both decent at masking though. As a kid, before my dad starting ripping up all my art, he ripped up the ones where I drew sad faces. Because you’re not supposed to be sad, ever. Early 2022 I lost my one of my best friend’s dad. He felt like my dad. How sad was I allowed to be? I still don’t know, and next month it’ll have been a year since.

Did you know that a wedding at Disneyland and another wedding at a Hindu temple are really, really hard to plan? That’s what almost half of 2022 was. The weddings themselves, in May, on our anniversary, and the honeymoon, wow. Breath-taking. Especially for all the adlibbing we ended up doing (no rehearsal needed). 12 years since I met Tai. 11 years since I asked them out. 8 years since I proposed. Took us long enough.

My favorite pictures are the ones with or of loved ones, particularly our polycule and wedding party. I generally never get nostalgic, but I cry thinking about all the people that supported us. A lot of them are outlines in the video. My chest physically hurts knowing I will not be able to express how damn much I love them. People from all those three groups above? Didn’t matter how long the drive was, or the plane costs and delays, or the wallet-draining hotels, buying Indian and Disney-bounding clothes, spending a day in weather that was too hot for them... they did it. For Tai. For me. They did it. Side note - I’ll never forget that my (white) girlfriend taught me how to tie a sari. If you ever feel like an outsider to your cultural roots, remember me. And after the wedding... it was back. June, July, August, September, October, worse worse worse feelings of being excluded, people not wanting to be around me, doesn’t matter how false those feelings were. You can know something logically and not know it. Tai withdrawing from everyone. Accidental emotional neglect - if someone’s masking well enough, you don’t know. You can’t know. You can’t. And it matched my self narrative anyways: I’m disgusting and people don’t want me around. It solves everything; no one can kick you down if you’ve already done it. Emotions compounded by feeling unskilled in art, drained by my job’s commute and miniscule amounts of time off, Kaiser giving me scraps of therapy once every 8 weeks... My mental health pludged. October. Went to Europe with my girlfriend. Met some internet friends IRL. Covid finally got its claws into me, but my symptoms were just a sore throat, and I thought, maybe I was climbing up mentally. Maybe I got this! Halloween. My fave holiday. Sat around the apartment and did nothing. November. My birthday. It hit. It always hits hard. I can mitigate it with a party, and I did two weeks later, but having friends in their 20′s makes me wish I didn’t spend half of those years rotting away getting a PhD. I guess I can slap a Dr. in front of my last name now. 32 is the age one of my fave webcomic writers ended her long-running comic, and had plans but not really, and I think about her a lot, now that I’m that age. What am I going to do? I’ve got 10 months left to this age.

We went to a convention that emotionally hit Tai bad, and now they really really really won’t reach out to our friends. And I started trying to see friends more and talk to them more and... burnt myself out a little I think, because if you feel excluded and think people don’t want you there and aren’t used to interactions without a spouse or partner, seeing friends more isn’t a magic cure. It’s helping I think... I hope. I had to also come to terms with the fact that I’m probably never going to move to Hawaii, or have kids, or buy a house of be a Cool Internet Artist™, and might never be able to retire. Everything felt like it was crumbling. And then I drew this ...last week? It feels like a million years ago, but the new year did just happen. Here I am now. I’m going to keep trying I guess. I don’t know why, really, but here I go. I’ll try and be on here more, and just, share more. Take things out of my head and plop them down, and hope that the void yells back every now and then. Love, Airyu (Agni)

#cw gore #cw vent #cw depression #animation #procreate #art #artists on tumblr #animators on tumblr #animator #indie animator #personal vent #vent

[riddlerosehearts]

your post about mailee says everything i’ve felt about how this fandom (and many others) treat female characters, especially in the context of sapphic shipping.

i could never personally get into mailee due to the annoyance that is it’s fandom. the constant bashing of certain sapphic ships by proclaiming them as toxic (as if that isn’t the appeal) was so annoying to see in 2020 that it sadly left a sour taste in my mouth.

it also just fits into the most boring stereotypes of cute and fluffy sapphic ship!! something that tends to be the case nowadays.

but even with all that aside it’s obvious why mailee exists. they’re a side pairing for more popular ships and oh what a surprise, it’s a mlm ship leading it. i can’t deny that zukka fans mostly contribute to mailee content because they do but also how deeply annoying it is to see this pattern of wlw side pairing for mlm over and over again.

especially with atla of all shows. a show that actually has a complex female character whose unintentionally lesbian-coded but people will not bother exploring her queerness because shes “mentally ill” or “too much” or “she doesn’t need that rn” or whatever excuses people come up with.

it’s a shame to see all this play out but i’m not surprised. at the end of the day it’s always going to be mlm or f/m at this point.

oh wow i'm glad to hear i'm not the only one feeling this way!! like i mentioned in my previous post, i honestly don't really like mai, but i've tried to get myself to over the years. in 2019 i had rewatched the show and thought "hey, mai and ty lee are kinda cute together, i still don't love mai but maybe i could if i try to think more deeply about her character and see if i can find some meta and fics and such that flesh her out and examine her good points. maybe ty lee could be someone who really understands her and brings out the good in her". but mailee was very much a rarepair back then and i could only really find fluffy drabbles to read. i like fluffy drabbles and all, but they just weren't what i needed in this case. so then in 2020 the show gets put on netflix, i come back from a tumblr hiatus to see there's been a massive fandom renaissance, and now mailee is so popular it's getting to high numbers on weekly fandometrics lists! great!

so then i again look for content about them and see that a ton of it is either zuko-centric or zukka-centric with them as a side pairing at best, and zukka just isn't for me. i have a close friend who ships it so i understand the appeal, but i'm always and forever a zutara stan. i could've multishipped (i do reblog cute fanart of them on occasion) if i didn't keep seeing things from the zukka side of the fandom that really frustrate me, this being one of them. and every time i choose to dive back into the fandom and see if things have improved it's still the same, i should not have to go through 53 of the most kudos'd fics in mailee's tag before i find a fic about them especially since they have less than 1/5th the amount of fics as zukka in the first place, and it just makes me sad that this is an issue in almost every fandom. i may not like mai, but you would really think the people making shippy content involving her would like her and be willing to actually focus on her in said content!

as for the constant bashing of other more "toxic" f/f ships and unwillingness to examine another female character's complexity and potential queerness while using her mental illness as an excuse... i believe i know exactly who and what you're talking about it's an issue with certain mailee content for me as well. see, even though i've loved ATLA since i was a kid and have been on the internet just as long, i used to always dismiss the concept of tyzula because i myself never appreciated azula enough and wasn't interested in ships with her (and because frankly i really hate how azula's voice actress sexualizes the ship). but on my current rewatch of the show i've started loving azula a lot more and now like to imagine her redeemed and happy, repairing her damaged relationships with her family and friends and maybe even falling in love. i've realized that part of the appeal of tyzula for me is that while, yes, azula's entire dynamic with both mai and ty lee is toxic and messy during the show, i don't personally think it always was. i think the three of them were genuine friends until things gradually got fucked up because of how ozai's treatment of azula fucked her up. and i think that if azula were to have a redemption arc, the 3 of them could salvage what once was and have a healthy friendship again.

a lot of mailee fans do not seem to agree with this, though, because i've seen several metas and headcanons that rely on the idea that the two of them were always just afraid of evil, nasty azula and that they can bond over how much they hate her. i am not here for that, and yeah, i'm also not here for the whole "this ship would never work because [insert character] just isn't ready for a relationship, i ship them x therapy!!" thing fandoms love to use as a way to demonize certain ships. mentally ill people can be in happy, loving relationships and they can go to therapy while in said relationships. they can even use therapy to--gasp--figure out how to keep their mental health issues from getting in the way of continuing to have healthy relationships! this happens in real life and i fully believe it can happen in a fantasy cartoon for children. also, i know some people use the comics to justify the idea that mai and ty lee have just always hated and been afraid of azula, because apparently it's implied in those that they were fake friends? but fuck the comics, they're OOC and horribly written lmao.

this ended up being a much longer reply than i initially intended but yeah, all this is to say that i 100% agree with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts, anon. sapphic ships and the female characters within them deserve just as much space in fandom as m/m and m/f ships get, to be fully explored and appreciated in their own right and even to sometimes be complicated and imperfect.

#asks #anonymous #oh man i'm sorry this is so long and i'm sorry to shippers if this appears in your tag #that's why i censored the names in my initial post #anti mailee #anti zukka #not... really?? more anti these ships fandoms than anything #but idk tagging it just in case

[burnwithtears]

just another rina breakdown

Okay I’m gonna put my thoughts out here real quick

Is it totally possible that EJ and Gina are going to have some angsty drama with jealousy and miscommunication just to solve all of it by the end of the season and live as a couple for the rest of the show? Suuure.

But if that's the intention all along, I think it's just bad faith to use Rina as a "plot device", going so far as to add it to the trailer as bait, knowing this ship's got a huge fanbase. Ricky and Gina got shippers since before EJ and Gina even spoke in season 1 (me!!!!!!! being clowned since 2019!!!!!!), and the showrunners know that. So if these scenes were added just to stir unnecessary drama and then drop Rina again (and their friendship) after midseason, like it happened in s2, I'll be PISSED. With the showrunners (and with capitalism lol). They could use another character to add jealousy to P*rtwell's relationship without making half of the fandom riot in rage for being deceived.

And, YOU SEE, people who ship Rina CANNOT BE CALLED DELUSIONAL if the showrunners keep giving us content and hints that something might happen! Like in so many TV shows I've watched before, slow burn IS a thing!!! If P*rtwells wanna be mad we're still here, hoping for a relationship, they should be mad at the writers for giving us ammunition 😂

But nowwww, some random thoughts of why I believe Rina is coming back:

- There was absolutely no payoff for the first 6 episodes of season 2 regarding them. the elefant IS STILL IN THE ROOM.

- EJ saying things are gonna be perfect for him and Gina has the same energy of Ricky saying everything is perfect between him and Nini. I love it for me

- One of my main complaints last season was the abrupt change of tone in episodes 206 and 207, with Gina still pining over Ricky for 6 episodes and then suddenly not. In my head I was like "okay she's just replacing one white boy with another and acting like she's over Ricky", which could be why there were no more scenes of them (because she just couldn't be near him without everything coming up again). I wanted AT LEAST their friendship restored, and IT LOOKS I SHALL GET IT YASSSSSSSSSSSSS. And now we'll see: is she tRULY over him???

- (answering my own question from above) I don't think so. Her lines give me the same energy of EJ's line klfjhlfdhslkdjglj

- (that being said, she better get that damn lead or i swear-) (99% of chance there will be drama about it)

- I know people dislike the thought of all 4 main characters dating each other at some point, but most teenage TV shows go for that, so, yeah, well

- (Disney is waaay too coward to give me Ricky/EJ and Gina/Nini, but Rina is definitely NOT knocked out of the table)

More random thoughts/headcanons that might as well become canon:

- after two seasons, Ricky might finally develop a passion towards theater, by working with someone who brings up the best in him byeeeeee

- THE CAR????%$&?%$?&?%*?$&?#?¨?¨??¨@? A PROM??%$&?$%&$¨?#¨?#?&??#&?# okay i'm good we're good everything's FINE

- Anna and Kristoff’s actors being forced to rehearse lines together oof OOOF yes

- Rina happy feels so good huh

Anyway, as long as these two are interacting normally (being goofy with each other, understanding each other without a word), given everything they represent to each other, and with just. SO. MUCH. TENSION. in literally ALL their scenes together, I shall always ship them.

#hsmtmts #rina #ricky x gina #ricky bowen #gina porter #a clown? maybe #but a clown for THEM #so much mispelling #im so sorry