plural-aita

[plural-aita]

AITA for not adding PluralKit/TupperBot to a server and not saying exactly why?

I run a server entirely disconnected from plurality/DID. I am also someone with DID, but I really prefer to keep that information relatively under wraps, as I'm paranoid that that information could be used against me.

Recently-ish, someone came to my server and seemed like a cool person. They were open about being plural and after a while asked me to add PK or TB. I really don't like PK or TB for a number of reasons, I can't be in any server with it because it makes me feel like I either have to use it or I'll be seen as confirmed not-DID or whatever instead of just leaving it open ended/not having to disclose. I was also really worried that I would be 'outed' so to speak if the bot was in my server because I had some info in there abt my sys from before I found out I didn't like it. So I refused and said they could absolutely continue signing off their messages the way they were but that I didn't want more bots in the server. They got really upset and said it was an accessibility request. I said that they didn't seem to have any issues signing off posts before they requested the bot be added. They went off on me about how I was pluralphobic and could never understand what it was like to have DID, not knowing I do have it, and eventually were booted after some ad hominem attacks by my co-mod.

AITA here? Should I have just swallowed my discomfort about the whole bot situation?

#thanks for the addition #also good info to know

[plural-aita]

AITA for trying to convince the host we're not really plural?

I know how that sounds, but given all of the context, I don't believe I was wrong to do so.

So a little backstory. We're a mixed origins system. We have low to no amnesiac barriers, occasional emotional disconnecting but nothing beyond that.

While I haven't been here long, I can easily see the reason I formed.

When we first discovered our plurality, it was liberating at first, but now I believe without a shadow of a doubt it has been nothing but negative for our mental health and social life.

We feel less comfortable interacting with people offline now because we're terrified they wouldn't accept us if we told them.

We've become unmotivated to participate in what used to be healthy and close friendships.

We've been hiding away in our room and going out less.

We're distracted at school.

It seems like plurality is also becoming a hyperfixation, but we can't talk openly about it, so that's made us withdraw even more.

We also have depression, and I think withdrawing from life like this is very obviously dangerous for us especially.

Now, due to our lack of amnesia, smooth switches, and the fact that a lot of us are ultimately relatively similar, we're really not that different from a singlet.

Our life was better when we thought we were a singlet, so I thought if I could just convince the host (who we'll call C) to ignore all of this plural nonsense, life could go back to how it used to be.

I don't know exactly how I did it, but somehow I forced C to be frontstuck with me. I pretended I wasn't there at all, and when I thought, I'd use "I" to refer to both C and myself.

To be honest, I also believed we weren't really a system at first, and only later on did my motivation more become about getting the host to pretend we weren't.

C started to panic when he realized he couldn't hear any of his headmates, and had persistent thoughts about how we'd been faking. He did start to believe it, too, until I slipped up and used "you" instead of "I" to refer to him.

Long story short, I got confronted by C, whatever I did to block off front got undone, the entire rest of our system shows up in the headspace to get mad at me, and I ran off.

I still do believe that we'd be better off as a singlet, and that it would be possible for us all to fuse back into one with some effort. I think that would be ultimately the best choice.

And nothing's improved either, we're still unmotivated to talk to people we're close with, we're still shutting ourselves off from the world more and more, all because we're a system.

(No TLDR because I want to make sure people actually understand the whole situation before voting.)

So, AITA for trying to convince the host that we're a singlet?

#plural aita #plurality

[plural-aita]

WWBTA for acting like our current host went dormant?

So we (16ftm) are a system. We had a minor (in our opinion) falling out with someone over a mistake (we thought we were being genuine but it was only a joke. We get our own feelings and perspectives on things wrong a lot). They knew us before we realized we were a system. Would we be the asshole if we went up to them and introduced ourselves saying "Hi! Im [alter]. I really like your outfit." And if they bring it up wed say "Oh, were a system and that was our last host. He went dormant a while ago, and we dont really have memories of before that." The thing is, the "old host" is still here and still the host. He's the one who wants to talk to this person, but is too scared to step over a boundary, but is comfortable basically lying to this person (for the record i think hed be the asshole). So would he/us be the asshole(s)?

#plural aita #plurality

[plural-aita]

AITA for not being open to my plural best friend about questioning endogenic plurality? (tl;dr at bottom)

I've been questioning if I was a system for a few weeks after my friend realized she had OSDD. I'm mainly tackling the research alone with the guidance of a few people online, but I usually tell my best friend this sort of stuff, I mean it's pretty important.

Recently (as in a few months ago), me and my friend got into a fight about endogenics. She didn't really try to say they weren't valid but I'm strictly pro-endo and she basically said she didn't support them and sent me a lot of clearly anti-endo resources (including the infamous carrd) so I just really don't feel comfortable telling her that I'm questioning endogenic plurality, at least not until I'm sure.

I don't know, she shares everything with me so I feel like I'm betraying her trust if I don't tell her this very major thing. I don't inherently think she's anti-endo, more endo-neutral, but me being endogenic would force her to take a stance. Maybe it's my anxiety speaking but I'm worried she'll take an anti-endo stance. Doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about not telling her.

So, AITA?

-🐺🪐🐚

#plurality #plural aita

[plural-aita]

aita for looking for friends from a specific source?

me (21x)- part of very tiny system. 2 of us. other member (21fluid) is (mostly) not a fictive (complicated), nor myself. see people looking for sourcemates all the time. is it an asshole move to try to befriend someone from a specific source. am hyperfixated on the source. if it is please tell me why. makes me feel like an asshole but can't really explain it so asking advice.

know this blog is mostly intersystem drama but we mostly get along BUT this seems like ok to ask here anyway. if not no worries.

#plural aita #plurality

[plural-aita]

AITA for leaving our partner system knowing that they're suicidal?

tw: mentions of detransition, suicide

The host of our partner cannot stand that our host detransitioned and has been threatening to kill themself because of it. None of the frequent fronters want to continue medical transition as those were the goals of the previous set of frequent fronters and it would make us dysphoric and suicidal. Our partner system has been experiencing a system collapse because of it—their host was forced to go dormant to keep them alive , but he'll be back again eventually and will end our relationship and kill them. Our host only managed to convince him to go dormant along with her so the rest of us can live, but he's stubborn and will eventually return. I am now de facto host and I don't want to deal with any of it. I wanted to just live in peace with ny husband, but with the way things are going, we're just not meant to be together. AITA for leaving our partner system knowing that they're suicidal?

#suicide tw #self harm tw #plural aita

[plural-aita]

AITA for not adding PluralKit/TupperBot to a server and not saying exactly why?

I run a server entirely disconnected from plurality/DID. I am also someone with DID, but I really prefer to keep that information relatively under wraps, as I'm paranoid that that information could be used against me.

Recently-ish, someone came to my server and seemed like a cool person. They were open about being plural and after a while asked me to add PK or TB. I really don't like PK or TB for a number of reasons, I can't be in any server with it because it makes me feel like I either have to use it or I'll be seen as confirmed not-DID or whatever instead of just leaving it open ended/not having to disclose. I was also really worried that I would be 'outed' so to speak if the bot was in my server because I had some info in there abt my sys from before I found out I didn't like it. So I refused and said they could absolutely continue signing off their messages the way they were but that I didn't want more bots in the server. They got really upset and said it was an accessibility request. I said that they didn't seem to have any issues signing off posts before they requested the bot be added. They went off on me about how I was pluralphobic and could never understand what it was like to have DID, not knowing I do have it, and eventually were booted after some ad hominem attacks by my co-mod.

AITA here? Should I have just swallowed my discomfort about the whole bot situation?

#plural aita #plurality

[plural-aita]

aita for making nsfw references in a call where a little was present?

this happened a while ago, so the details are pretty fuzzy. i mean all of this in good faith and am open to constructive feedback.

about a year ago i was in a discord call with some people im no longer in contact with. i was dating one of these people, we'll call T, and watching a movie with him and one or two other people in the call. i'm a singlet and T may have been a system (its complicated and i'm not exactly sure what was going on- he told me about having a mass dormancy and how he think it might've just been his severe unmedicated psychosis making him think he was a system. anyways.)

at some point, a person part of a system, i'll refer to them collectively as S, joined the call but wasn't active in the voice chat, so i figured they just wanted to watch quietly and i kept talking to T. the movie we were watching was rated r, so i would make lots of jokes and references to sex and swear a lot, it's just the kind of person i am. during the call i got pinged by T in a text chat (cant remember if it was dms or public) that therw was a little in the call. this threw me off, and T told me to check the vc text chat, and when i went through i saw that S was texting sporadically, but i didnt see a lot to suggest that they said something there about switching alters.

i got kinda uncomfortable at that point and i think i paused the movie and tried to tone down my jokes to more middle school stuff since i didnt know the little's boundaries or how to interact properly in a situation like this. i also wasnt really close with S since they were more of T's friend and they would switch to an alter i'd never talked to before for days on end, which made it difficult for me to connect with them when their host did front (which didnt happen too much).

i think S eventually left the call and we returned to our more mature commentary, but i did feel bad for continuing my inappropriate jokes when T informed me that a little was present. i guess i was expecting the little to be more of a tween aged kid but they ended up being closer to 6 with very VERY babyish interests. nothing against any of that i just wasnt at all prepared for it in the moment

was i the asshole for being a bit dense/slow and awkward when this occurred?

#plural aita

[plural-aita]

Sorry I'm so slow to post sometimes y'all, I mainly use tumblr mobile and don't check this ask box often because honestly I do not get very many asks.

[plural-aita]

AITA for not wanting to watch a fictive's source?

little story: a fictive (he/it, ???) who is responsible for clearing the air for our psys came to front because we got into another sticky situation of miscommunication. I (any, 20) recently had a terrible anxiety attack and I was still recovering at the time. we had the air cleared up, but to keep the air cleared up even more, it wanted to watch its source with me. I won't be disclosing the source for privacy reasons, but for all I can say, it's something that I personally dont enjoy for many reasons. it was made by an awful creator and the plot sucked so much, and I'm sure the characters are nice, but I don't share these opinions with the fictive that was in front.

here comes the AITA part, despite me not liking the show, I've never seen it myself (and neither has the other headmates). I lied and said I've already seen it and don't plan to rewatch it for my sake. it hurt his feelings, and I do feel bad for saying no, but I cannot stand the show by how dull the writing was. I have admitted my opinions on the show, I wouldn't lie about that. I wish I could clear up the situation more and try to bond with them over it, but it felt like eating a bag of stale Skittles, honestly.

so, AITA for not wanting to watch its source? despite having the ability to try and fix a minor inconvenience?

#plural aita

[plural-aita]

For the anon that recently asked if they were an asshole for sharing their pro-endo views with their headmates, this blog is a no syscourse zone and is firmly supportive of all system types, and I don't want to open up the comments to be a syscourse debate.

Your mod is quoigenic (in the 'fuck your binary' sense), and you are never an asshole for promoting compassion and understanding for those who are different from you. Never.

#syscourse tw #syscourse dni #plural aita

[plural-aita]

AITA for maintaining my singlet spouse has to apologize directly to one of us? (tw groping, tw sex)

We (bodily nearly 30) are plural and our ages, species, and time spent fronting vary considerably. The alter in question will be referred to as ⚱️(she/they, ageless). ⚱️is nonhuman, think dnd warforged. She is a delight, but fronts rather infrequently and tends to struggle with human norms. Things like basic fashion (which, girl same), tone, the minutia of body language. She is, without meaning to be, rather mechanical. It's okay, we're autistic and it just kinda gets read as that.

Set dressing out of the way, Our Partner, let's call him 🧸, is well aware of our plurality and is in committed relationships with several of us. He however, imho, fumbled the ball dealing with taking ⚱️ to a social gathering recently.

⚱️ is absolutely friendly, and will happily chat! And almost all our close friends are aware of her and know she's just a little different. These are not close friends. 🧸 found a little corner away from the socializing entirely to play MTG with the party's host (only other person we really knew there). Just kinda leaving ⚱️ to the metaphorical wolves.

In addition, in attendance is someone who groped us *Twice* in high school. Not fantastic, unsure why 🧸 keeps hanging around her. But that's another post entirely. ⚱️, however is mostly nonplused. She didn't exist at the time, didn't happen to her, ya know, dissociative barriers.

We'll call groper 🐼. 🐼's sense of humor is... Just kinda being mean and people find that endearing? I don't. But ⚱️, rather than being annoyed like most of us would be, thought she was doing something wrong. 🐼 at one point called ⚱️'s outfit "Homeless Witch-core". And, again, most of us would just think she's, pardon my language, a bitch. But ⚱️'s takeaway was that she was human-ing incorrectly.

🧸 does dick all in response. After ⚱️ stated she felt like she was doing something wrong and apologized for overstepping her role, 🧸 did goose egg. ⚱️, who previously was making real strides in attempts to mask as more human, starts to shut down, falling back on harsh mechanical movements. Only speaking when spoken to. Doing only what she's told, barring chores. Asking for nothing. Barely eating unless absolutely necessary for function (which is extra weird, cause she loves experiencing new foods!) Tucks herself out of the way as much as possible, like a roomba setting itself back on its charging stand when not in use. All of this is happening while ⚱️ is still fronting mind you.

🧸 does nothing. Happily still gets laid (yeah, I certainly have opinions on that one.).

⚱️ eventually leaves the front and just. Hasn't really been okay sense. Firmly believes she's at fault for trying to appear human. Thinks she's faulty. Has, on multiple occasions, tried to get her closer in-system friends to examine her inner workings, to see if something is broken or needs replaced.

So, more than one of us, seeing ⚱️ in this state, think 🧸 should apologize to her. He knows her well, was informed how she felt, and just left her to fall into all of that. Didn't try to help. All while happily (for him) getting play.

Are we TA for telling him should apologize to her directly?

[plural-aita]

AITA for thinking I'm a system but not acting on it?

I (15M) have multiple people telling me I may be a system. They've pointed out my symptoms to me numerous times. I agree, I may be a system. But, I also suffer from psychotic episodes, so I'm worried thats all it is. I've also, admittedly, been pushing back against the idea. Recently, I've been trying to reach out to hypothetical headmates, but I've gotten nothing. I go back and forth on if I'm a system or not. But as of right now, I have no plans to act on anything, if that makes sense.

AITA?

#plural aita

[plural-aita]

AITA for giving my queer platonic partner christmas gifts early?

this is a lighthearted and super userious post, but i (17NB) am an alter in a system and i am dating an alter (16X) in another system. we have a lot of alters between us who are dating each other, and my system is notoriously bad at keeping gifts a secret. as it’s almost Christmas, the host of my system (17M) was hanging with his boyfriend (17M), host of the other system, and was talking excitedly about coming up with the perfect gift idea. his boyfriend teased that my system wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret until christmas. we had planned to do a gift exchange with our singlet friend in two weeks, but were also going to do our own slightly more romantic gift exchange with each other before then.

now, the issue. for context, my partner-not-partner system really loves minecraft. part of the gift we got them was a minecraft spider plushie that we’ll call “spiderbox” for the sake of clarity. when spiderbox arrived at my door, my only reaction was a look of disappointment. spiderbox didn’t look how he did in the advertisement. he was small, had creepy eyes, and hollow legs. seeing how horrible he was, our host knew he had to say something, so he dejectedly told the situation to his boyfriend, and said, “also, one part of my christmas gift for you looks bad compared to the picture, so expect that :((“

his boyfriend sent a happy jumping cat gif and added, “what does that mean? i know i will love it regardless” however, he did not know the caliber of disaster he was going to face opening this gift…

hours later, my queer platonic partner and i are hanging out. when we got to my room, i foolishly pointed out the unopened packages containing my partner-not-partner system’s christmas gifts and that gets it excited to open the presents. remind you, it is three weeks before before christmas. being excited to see its reaction to the gifts, i agree to give it to it early and thankfully, it loves spiderbox unconditionally despite his flaws (of which there are many).

here’s where i may be the asshole. as i gave my three part gift to my qpp, i’m reminded of what its host had said to his boyfriend. he wanted to save the gift for the gift exchange! it was supposed to be a surprise! my partner has suggested that to make it up for it, i could just give them ALL minecraft plushies (it has around 100 known alters) and we do a gift exchange every week before christmas.

now, down in my despair, i ask you all a question: am i the asshole?

#plural aita

[plural-aita]

AITA for trying to keep my brother alive?

💔

(Sorry for the long post)

Some background: I am the host of our system, our partner system and us have multiple family ties and romantic ties as we have multiple system members married or partnered to one another, or otherwise consider ourselves family. My brother, P, was their long-time system host, though he is currently no longer host.

The trouble started a week ago when I was discussing our lives in the future together with one of my husbands, T, and talking about how we would be legally married and potentially having kids. I was excited about the idea, as we had been planning to live together and be legally married. P, who was host at the time, switched out, and we were discussing it together. He is already making a great sacrifice being legally married to us, as he is gay and we would be presenting as female/feminine. The thought of being married to a woman, much less having a family with one, sickened him. I understood and said that it was alright, that we didn't have to have children, as it would not do if both parents did not want to or could not love them.

My husbands (T and D) and I had never seriously discussed having a family before, so I did not know that having children with them was something that I deeply wanted. I became depressed and ended up going dormant for a bit. P decided that he was getting in the way of our plans for the future, and because he considers himself unable to be happy, he decided to go dormant in order for T and D to co-host.

Everyone in both our systems was mourning, as he was such an important part of our lives. I managed to convince them to take him out of dormancy. I discussed our plans for the future with P, I wanted for everyone to still be together, as we are a family, and I could not imagine living without him. On the other hand, I could not handle being so close by and unable to have what I longed for, to be married to my partners and having a family of our own. I said that I would always support them and be there for them, as family does, but I could not live together with them.

I was, once again, depressed about it and ended up going into dormancy for a bit. P decided to go into dormancy again, citing that everyone's plans were ruined if he continued to host and that in the long run, everyone would be happier without him anyway. We spent a few days without him, and it was hard on everyone. My father, S, who is the gatekeeper in their system, felt that he had betrayed his son by choosing me over him, even though the choice for P to go dormant was not his. My mother, A, who is the gatekeeper for our system, was inconsolable and only wanted to have her son back. T was P's best friend, and he mourned him as well; he began hallucinating that P was still co-fronting with him at times.

Inevitably, A had a mental break and ended up giving me to one of our persecutors in another layer so that I would no longer be host and we would no longer have to follow my wishes or plans. She also became angry and tied up our littles, two of our brothers, when they protested against me being given away. She convinced a member of their system to bring P back from dormancy, as I was no longer around, and he did not need to be gone for us to be able to live together. Members from another layer came and got her settled, freeing the littles and retrieving me from the hands of the persecutor.

P and I discussed how to go about fixing things. I suggested he go to another layer, as he would still be active and no longer need to host. He agreed and went to a layer of his own, where he is the gatekeeper and would not let anyone enter. He promised to keep in contact and continue to talk to us and everyone in his system, but he has been miserable and contemplating dormancy again. He feels abandoned and lonely but will not let anyone in to talk to or visit him. We have been trying to get him to stay up, as he is part of our family, and we would be miserable without him. Currently, he has left to go to another layer with F, his father in source whom he had previously left as they have had a strained relationship. I do not know P's whereabouts currently and none of the others in either of our systems wants him to stay with F, as F is violent and cruel to members in their system and has been previously to P. P and I discussed how to go about fixing things. I suggested he go to another layer, as he would still be active and no longer need to host. He agreed and went to a layer of his own, where he is the gatekeeper and would not let anyone enter. He promised to keep in contact and continue to talk to us and everyone in his system, but he has been miserable and contemplating dormancy again. He feels abandoned and lonely but will not let anyone in to talk to or visit him. We have been trying to get him to stay up, as he is part of our family, and we would be miserable without him. Currently, he has left to go to another layer with F, his father in source whom he had previously left as they have had a strained relationship. I do not know P's whereabouts currently and none of the others in either of our systems wants him to stay with F, as F is violent and cruel to members in their system and has been previously to P.

I want P to stay up, and I want him to be with us, to continue to be part of our family and active in his system, but he sees no way in which us being together in the future and him being around can be compatible. Am I the asshole for wanting to keep my brother alive?

[plural-aita]

WIBTA for never telling anyone that I’m a system?

I’ve known I’m some flavour of system for about 5 years, but didn’t think about it or explore it until 2-3 years ago. Been pretty alright since then, but I’m starting to realize it’s going to cause problems. I would, honestly and really, prefer not to tell anyone in our real life. Not any long term life partner, not even if we’re romantic/sexual with them (I’m aroace spec, so not a guarantee). But some of my parts are young — they’re not *literally* young, due to the way we work, they have the same brain capacity & knowledge & etc as the body. And so we consider them capable of making adult decisions, even if most of them prefer to align with the age they identify as/feel they are anyway. But there are a few that are interested in things typically seen as adult, things someone “their age” shouldn’t usually do. If a partner knew, there’s a solid chance they might be upset or squicked out, even though the part isn’t a child in the same capacity as singlet children.

To be clear: we aren’t avoiding telling people because of this. It’d just be a consequence. We wouldn’t be at risk if we told anyone, especially not close partners. At the very worst, they’d ignore it or be neutral about our system. We’re confident it would not be dangerous for us, and we don’t fear any negative repercussions. Our system is just something that’s core to us, very individual and personal, and not something we see as anyone else’s business. The only person in our real life we’d ever want to tell is a therapist, but we don’t have access to one atm. Should we tell (some) people anyway?

Singlets are welcome to answer too (if there are any here) — we know other systems will be biased, but we didn’t want this on the main AITA blog. Also, we’re alright being called a system, but prefer not to be called plural/multiple

#plural aita

[plural-aita]

WIBTA for asking for my partner to front when she talks to me?

Let's... break this down a little. I'm in a system and don't front a lot unless prompted, while my partner, who we'll call Amy (she's an adult, we're all adults, further information kind of irrelevant) is in a smaller system and will pop up to comment on things periodically, but as far as I can tell doesn't actually front a lot either. This system doesn't really indicate who is/isn't fronting, which can be frustrating, but that's their choice and I'm not going to get on them about it.

Amy and I have a specific chat set aside for just us to talk in, and I leave her messages sometimes or try to start conversations. These aren't urgent, I'm not demanding immediate attention or anything, they're sort of intended to just be there for next time she's around, and when she replies, I basically always get called up to or near the front to respond. Thing is, in my system, we can all reply to messages pretty readily and front without much difficulty--but our partner system works long hours and is frequently busy or exhausted, and they're just not as clear or attentive when talking when not properly fronting. As a result of them being really tired all the time, they basically don't practice with fronting and switching, so it's basically just the host handling everything all the time, and it's hard for others to front on a whim. Again, I'm not going to get on them about that--that's not fair and not any of my business.

What ends up happening is that our partner system will see my message, call up Amy to respond, and she will--but it's usually brief and doesn't have a lot of thought or care put into it, since she's not fronting, is basically asleep, and is really busy, generally only having a few seconds to think of a response while at work. I usually respond to her message afterwards, and generally don't get replied to for a few more hours, at which point I get another brief message that often doesn't engage with a whole lot of what I'm saying and is more of an idle acknowledgement of an attempt at communication.

Thing is, I don't mind that the system's busy! I don't mind that Amy isn't a terribly frequent fronter! I don't mind that it takes hours for responses sometimes, because that's just life! I really genuinely do not mind those things. What I do mind is her replying to me without really putting a lot of thought into it. I know she's busy and it's not easy for her, but I'd really rather that she just not reply until she's able to front for an actual response/conversation instead of, like, a "yeah that makes sense" after a long paragraph asking for feedback on something after she agreed to read and give feedback. I'm not just dropping big stuff on her out of the blue--I usually ask if she's down to talk about something and she agrees but then this happens and I just don't know what to do about it.

Would I be the asshole if I asked her to just wait to respond until she has more time and ability to read, front, and think about what she wants to say? Am I being unreasonable? I guess I'm just not that good at communication and I'm terrified of misstepping. I have a personality disorder that makes me overthink things and struggle to identify my own feelings, regardless of whether or not they're fair to have, so that's complicating things. Help me out, plurals of tumblr--is this the right move?

#plural aita