#why did i get into med again?

[sadkidwarexpert]

so my lips are dry and cracked and swollen because of mouth breathing and i also got sick? It's 7.24am and i still haven't fallen asleep (it's the weekend so it's fine) and i am about 17 lectures behind in internal medicine, my body is sore all over from a single set of workouts on Wednesday and at this point i am so overridden with anxiety that it feels like i drink it by the gallon.

#i need to get this out there otherwise ill lose my shit #sickness is mild for now #ebonirants #why did i get into med again?

[moeblob]

You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)

#moe talks a lot #i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry #and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds #LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO #shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds #BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER #i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up #i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong #after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before #YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain #oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older #and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds #holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang #sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat #but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like #welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant #anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain #im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake #but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry #anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering

[hellfyre]

everytime i look in the lilith tag I see so much hate and antagonism for her, like my god. we barely know much about her but some people are just desperate to hate on her while woobifying male characters and I can think of one word why.

#misogyny #the ending scene was complex but im on the train shes gonna be good in the end. #bc i refuse to have another stella that shit sucks #lilith is a representation of feminism and empowerment for women like beyond any fictional media #the fandom and shows portrayal of stella vs characters like valentino is a big highlight into the general misogyny that exists in fandoms #i mean fandoms have a general issue with women who are in the way of their fictional man #and again #that stems from misogyny but whateverr #lilith hazbin #hazbin hotel lilith #lilith #hazbin critical #lucifer is not some innocent man who did nothing wrong anyways #like this is obvious to people right the show is not too subtle on that #like yes hes growing and getting better #but some people would hate lilith ever being depicted as good or if she does end up morally grey as getting a redemption #i wonder what word to why that could be??? #azael ranting again #sorry im sick and on meds so i dont know when to keep something in the drafts lol #hazbin hotel

[howdidthisevenhappenanyway]

*taps microphone* so i’d just like to talk about all the little kids in coruscant who would absolutely be out of their mind with love and awe for the corrie guard, and their fire engine red painted armour

these kids

these kids would wait at their windows to watch them drive past their window on a scheduled patrol. they’d be so thrilled to see them in the market. or when Fox is standing next to Palpatine in the press in his extra red paint

their parent will be like ‘want to talk to them?’ and the kids will get all shy.

they might even draw pictures of them to give to them

because no matter what the adults think, abiut flesh droids or military police being given more and more responsibility (that theybwould see as power) as the war went on, but little kids know what’s up. they know how cool garbage men are, and fire men (with the shiny red paint), and other civil servants that adults don’t think are awesome but kids know

and you know, you just know that Sergeant Hound, with his cute mastiff and awesome bucket paint would be the absolute pinnacle of coolness to an eight year old coruscanti child

#I forgot to take my pain meds today and then did things so I’n stuck in bed in agony but I thot I’d write out the cute headcanon #that I’ve been thinking about for a while #how the adults would listen to the propoganda that makes civil unrest more likely #because palps wanted turmoil at home to make the senators nervous so they gave him more power #he would absolutely use the guard like a sledgehammer #adults would also know why the corries have mastifs and riot gear and why there were shock troopers posted on a republic planet #and about the raids that keep happening to innocent people #and all of the money and drugs and material goods and wven food and water that were being confiscated for the most flimsy of reasons #and the people who were being arrested never to be seen again #but the kids #would think they were so cool and act like they were celebrities #ok good meeting #I’m writing a winged clone fic and so you can imagine how much this is turned up to eleven when the corries have WINGS and can FLY #some kids would obviously think cody or rex or any of the other clones that ended up in propoganda next to obi-wan and anakin etc were #the best but they would get into arguments with the kids who were all about the corries #some autistic kid thinking hound is the height of clone existsnce #some other autistic kid thinking the logistics offocers were awesome #I just like thinking about it #coruscant guard #corrie shenanigans #corrie guard #commander fox #commander thorn #commander thire #commander stone #sergeant hound #clone trooper hound #star wars ​headcanons #fluff

[lesbiansanemi]

I hate when I’ll be complaining about some stupid bullshit a coworker does to other coworkers and half the time their response is to lower their voice and go “well…. You know…. I’m pretty sure they’re… on the spectrum, you know?” And every time I have a split second when I have to consider saying “you know I’m autistic, right?” just to make them vaguely uncomfortable for a few minutes and actually think about what they’re implying but of course I do not do that because the gratification is not worth a large sect of shitty coworkers knowing that about me and then talking about me like that every time I do something vaguely annoying or dumb but man…. It does get tempting sometimes

#like idk!!! sometimes the coworkers in question DO display some common autistic traits #but that is NEVER what is being complained about (at least not by me) so WHY are we bringing it up like that el oh el #like when I say ‘yeah I don’t like this coworker because of the shitty fucking things she did to my friend’ #the response should not be ‘well I think she’s autistic isn’t that so funny she’s so obsessive about stuffed animals it’s annoying’ #shut up shut up SHUT UP AND DIE #I don’t CARE that they talk too loud I don’t CARE that they’re bad a social cues I don’t CARE that they do ‘weird things’ #and it’s so. HFDJSJKSKSKS AAAGGHHHHH #whether they’re autistic or not MAYBE that’s not what should be getting brought up during a conversation like that when it has NOTHING to do #with it #also maybe we shouldn’t be doing shit like whispering ‘on the spectrum’ like its some awful terrible thing #just thoughts idk #and the thing is too is that even if I told these ppl I was autistic #they would 100% be the types that are like ‘oh? but you don’t ACT autistic I don’t think you are’ #like actually I got very good at masking for these reasons thnx #also you think autism = Sheldon from the Big Bang theory and nothing else #but I already learned my lesson cuz I told a coworker that I wasn’t sure about exactly twice #one of them went ‘oh THATS why you’re so dumb and don’t realize when other ppl don’t like you and take advantage of you’ #and then the other one went on a mansplaining spiel about how me being autistic was why adhd meds didnt work on me?????? #so yeah. never doing that again. haha. hahahaha. hahahaha…… #this actually happened a few days ago but it’s been Bothering me so much #I hate my fucking job…. #kaz rambles

[actualbird]

i swear to god the next time i think "oh i feel and function much better now, maybe i dont need my meds anymore" i NEED to remember that that is the DEVIL SPEAKING and that the REASON i feel and function better is BECAUSE the meds are IN my system and that the NEXT COURSE OF ACTION is NOT to REMOVE the from my system but to KEEP THEM THERE good god

#I AM SO SHARP AND PRODUCTIVE THESE DAYS IT IS INSANE I #I FEEL LIKE HOW I FELT WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO TOT SO SHARP AND CREATIVE AND WRITING AND ONLY NOW DO I RMEMBER THAT #THAT WAS ALSO WHEN I STARTED MY MEDS #THEN I WENT OFF THEM IN FEB-MARCH 2022 #IMMEDIATE DIP IN PRODUCTIVITY AND MOOD. AS IF. MAYHAPS. THE MEDS BEING IN ME H E L P E D #AND THEM NOT BEING IN ME DID NOT HELP #I CRACKED THE CODE. THE ANSWER IS THAT I WAS AN IDIOT #dootdootdoot #sorry for the capitalized yelling but this felt like the expanding brain meme for me. guys. guys ive Written #i /wrote and finished a fic/ #it's for a zine so i cant post it yet yall have to get the tot olympians zine (@olympianszine) to read this one #and then i sTARTED A NEW FIC AND I HAVE 1.5K WORDS oN THAT #and thats on top of everythng ive been working on for the nxx comp vol 2 and work and life #damn. what a good set of meds can do to a mfer. why was i so angsty about going on meds again i need this shit tf

[heartshattering]

5 AM

Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃

#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous #and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep #I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :') #way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip #I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home #(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh) #my best friend and I were having a conversation today #and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?' #and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too #BUT I also get what she meant #not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy' #and fun fact #a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!! #which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like #the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!! #and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes #(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me) #'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever #same with my mom's hallucinations as well #and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again #which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that' #fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything #like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds #and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well #which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up #I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today #didn't eat #took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all #had too much caffeine #stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking

[neverendingford]

skyglow:

(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)

#photography #Ford's Art #color says shit #it was either go on a twelve mile run or re-download grindr and get absolutely blasted so I went with the more responsible option. #b because damn I'm feeling it tonight. or at least I was before the run. I need to shower and then I'll cook dinner and go to bed satiated. #I did also jerk off under the bridge and then piss on someone's flowers on the way home. gotta get those animal instincts out somehow right? #anyway I've successfully vented most of my manic energy and a cold shower will finish it off and then we're good. #the mood meds have been helping a lot. last time I got hit with this kind of a mood I came out of it with huge bite marks and chlamydia. #and I haven't been feeling it nearly as bad this time so that's nice. more like a restless dog and less like a caged wolf thirsty for blood. #yes I'm making references to Call of the Wild again deal with it. #anyway sorry to anyone who sees this from the tags and not because you follow me. you didn't sign up for this lmao. #also. this is why I can't be a binary trans woman. this night photography shit is the most gay-man thing ever and I enjoy it. #I was doing it before my last boyfriend but he got me even more into it. #anyway bye I'm gonna go shower and then eat food. I've been hungrier more recently. #between the meds and the hrt my appetite is bigger and I'm gaining weight with the hrt fat redistribution which is cool and good. #I want to be a healthy weight and maybe even a lil chonky? we'll see we'll see.

[indestinatus]

why is life so hard

#for those who dont know i'm retaking med exams #because i didnt pass them last year #and im just so... sad #because it's never easy #why do all my friends get the life i dreamed of? and i stay here #1) i dont have a job 2) i live with my parents #3) my twin sister has a fianceé and lives in another country for gods sake #can you name a bigger disappointment? my TWIN sister #rock bottom. again. #i promised i wasnt going to let my emotions play such a big part again but #i just cant #it's inhumane #i do everything i can and i'm still dumb and i can't fix this #and it's not even that hard i'm just not good enough for this #sorry i needed to vent urgently #yes it's all i've wanted and all i've dreamed of #so i'll keep trying but wow. it breaks my heart #i studied so hard. for so long. i did everything i could. it's such a hard lesson #sometimes it's not enough #sometimes it doesn't happen because I physically can't push past my intelligence #i'm simply not intelligent for this #i know i'm victimizing myself but wow i wanted it so bad #i spent days dreaming about it and nights studying #and to see friends get positions i wanted just breaks my heart #always watching never participating #yes i've learned when I was 13 i was way less intelligent than my sister but still #this was such a different path from hers and i still couldnt do it #now i have no idea what to do because it's a fortune every year to pay for these exams #and i dont know if theres anything else i could do #sofia rambles

[voidmenace]

figured out what exactly happens when i get Too Into something and then feel like shit afterwards and i feel silly and also more than a little embarrassed bc its like. the only equivalent i can think of is fucking sub drop. like i need goddamn emotional aftercare or else im gonna feel terrible and like everyone hates me and overthink everything

i mean at least i figured it out! now i just have to go through the mortifying ordeal of Telling Someone so that way i can properly take care of myself and get help with taking care of myself.

this is so stupid. i mean its not, how i feel is valid and its okay to take care of myself and be taken care of, but my god i want to crawl into a hole out of shame and embarrassment anyways lmao

#menace speaks #in related news i get why one of my exes pulled away so much after what i’ve dubbed my limited life skizz freakout #bc god damn they were very likely NOT in the headspace to try and comfort me over something so trivial #and i didn’t know why i felt the way i did #just that i felt it and wanted to yell about it with someone i cared about to help decompress #and instead more or less got abandoned :D #thank god for my adhd meds bc im able to think a little more rationally now #bc lord almighty the Fear that ill get dropped over this again is sooooo real #but also #she’s not the same as them #and im also putting plans in place for when it inevitably happens again

[kotaerukoto]

I'm trapped between wanting to write something happy and low stakes and something full of conflict and character development

#mobile. #i flip flop between wanting to write Makoto happy and write Makoto suffering and losing his mind like a spinning blender #writing him genuinely smiling and being happy is just so good....but so is him in Protagonist Mode and his responses to horrible things #i'm back on my adhd meds and i'm getting used to it again so apologies if i'm incoherent or jittery rn. once work is over i'll try to hit #some drafts! #why did i write 'spinning blender' as an analogy.....

[obstinatecondolement]

Wish it weren't such a Herculean task getting my fucking meds organised every time.

#I couldn't go to my in-person appointment so had them send the prescription to my pharmacy #who then had to send it to my gp to rewrite it so i can get it through a government scheme much more cheaply #why don't I get the consultant to send it to my GP I hear you cry? #I asked and they won't do that #then the GP has to send it back to the pharmacy and I have to specifically tell them to fill it #if I assume they'll know to do this they won't #and I might have to get an entirely new prescription if a window of time on my original prescription has expired #because one of my meds is a controlled drug #so anyway I did ALL OF THAT #and my dad came home with only one of the meds I take and got very irate with me when I asked if they gave him the rest of my prescription #so I had to call the pharmacy back four times before they picked up the phone #at which time they took my number and told me they'd call back #they then said they never got a prescription for the other drug from my GP #so I had to call the GP and the secretary said he had apparently forgotten to do the second one #but they'd get it done for me today #so then I had to call the pharmacy AGAIN to let them know to expect it after lunch and to Please Fill It

[running-in-the-dark]

haha. my GP was soooo confused when I said I've been sleeping like 14-16 hours a day with the new medication.

my dude. that has been an issue for a good long while now! had the exact same thing on the previous medication!! and also her going '16 HOURS A DAY?? 😨' did not make me feel any better lol

#it would be funny if it wasn't so imfur8 #damn I hit enter. infuriating #anyway #she didn't understand that I'm taking the new meds because I can't sleep. and thought I sleep a lot and that's why I'm taking them #I mean I don't know how you'd word that any more clearly than I already did initially #but I just explained it all over again and then she seemed to get it. sort of. #but she wrote me a note for my uni so it's whatever #she's literally the exact opposite of my psychiatrist (who is great) #(and who remembers everything) #(even though he is definitely older than her so that's no excuse) #anyway got the note sent the note in an email now I can sleep #personal

[appreciatingtokrev]

the thing abt the pain my scoliosis/kyphosis causes me (mostly left side of my ribcage, then left side of my back, then left shoulder, then it slowly starts spreading to the right side + my hip, the more physical anything apart from lying i do the worse it gets) is that it started and worsened so slowly that i just. didn’t realise it. now it’s been a normal part of my life for a few years and. i hardly notice it. i hardly notice that half of my body aches. it’s normal. now that my knees hurt i’m truly aware of it for the first time in months, and— that’s not normal. it shouldn’t be normal that my ribcage & back hurt every day just because i go to school. what the hell. what the fucking hell.

#sorry for the chronic pain posting i am going through a realisation #i had zero motivation for physio plus it didn’t do shit so i quit after 2 years n told everyone it doesn’t hurt anyway #which was already a lie back then but it’s been getting worse. #fuuuuckk #this is Not Normal #why didn’t i realise that’s so stupid #i’m walking around hiding my foot pain bc ingrown toenail okay makes sense. i’ve got a doctor’s appointment. i can deal with it until then #THAT is normal. it is however NOT normal that my ribcage and my back hurt every day and have been hurting every day for like. 5 years #and i have not done anything ??? #but like what am i supposed to do #i only stopped physio 2 years ago and it never did shit. doctors say it’s not bad enough for a corset or surgery. imo it’s not bad enough+ #for pain meds. so what the fuck do i even do #especially bc ik physio is useless #also funny thing sometimes the pain in my ribcage gets so bad that breathing literally feels like getting stabbed for like a minute #then everything’s fine again. no clue why that happens but yeah it. does like once every few weeks to months idk #.....that is so not normal WHAT why is this normal to me ????? #scoliosis #kyphosis #chronic pain #☆—`elys rambles

[birdietrait]

i mean it’s no wonder i have so much anxiety about my health 😭

#birdie rambles #that whole period of my life was hell #no pun intended #bc i saw specialist after specialist and they were all like…yeah idk what’s wrong with you #and everytime i’d try going off of the meds the bleeding would start back up again #eventually it went away thank god #but they still don’t even know why it did that ?? #and then it took me a year to get diagnosed w pots #which tbh is quicker than a lot of people #it was just. not a fun time

[karinyosa]

transtape changed textures again and now i must relearn to bind well with them sigh. if god wants me to be a visibly titted man so be it

#me.txt #idk if textures is the right word but the material has changed slightly #can they not spend that time idk. making more skintones. this is like the second or third time they've done it since i started using them #which has only been like a year to a year and a half or so #i mean i think #and they've had 4 to 5 skin tones for as long as i've known they existed #like why did rainbow transtape and tattoo transtape come out before more shades of brown transtape #you can be doing better you know you can be doing better #literally the only people in their ads who don't get tape that matches well with their skin are people with med/dark skin #like come on #you cannot be that obtuse #idk maybe they're changing the material for important reasons that i just don't know about but i still feel like more skin tones should be #higher priority than it is #literally they just have 1 white 1 very light brown 1 med brown and 1 dark with no nuance in between #anyway idk if it's just the texture making binding hard rn it could also be my period #but i didn't have this issue with the previous material so i'm assuming that's what it is #again the material is whatever it just seems kind of unnecessary w the knowledge i have #like transtape came out with their own brand of packer before they came out with more skin tones like that's a whole new product #anyway