#ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

eboni >> dahlia in case yall not aware

#well friends i greet you with my real name #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

future husband's gonna have to tolerate my death wish jokes and morbid humor otherwise we won't be able to work.

#I'm sorry my love im just trying to cope #would be even better if his humor was as dark as mine #when you think you're getting better but you're getting worse #like a sharp fucking decline #so much so that I don't want to talk to anyone about it #at this point i wear myself like a bad omen #death of peace of mind alright #dahlia's last two brain cells #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

oh the realization that i want someone to be obsessed with me is about to one of the most self-destructive ones i had.

#like how insecure do you have to be to reach that level #I can't even stand my own existence #what makes you think someone else will #to the point of obsession? #hell nah #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

how's everyone doing?

#ebonirants #ik im mia but like i guess that's how i am on social media these days which isn't so bad haha

[sadkidwarexpert]

just hit me that the year bangtan all comes back from the military is the year I graduate med school

#it's joon's onions im not crying #bts #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

tomorrow is back to uni for me, second semester, hella nervous, got a lot to prep for it, it's especially tough after bring holed up at home for 2 weeks straight and not seeing the outside lmao. there are so many thoughts in my head, so many demands just nipping at my brain matter than i just want to turn my head off but alas the season of conscious loneliness is upon us again and thou must withstand.

#here's your reminder that if you're trying to get yourself out of your comfort zone #do it gently and slowly #it doesn't have to be violent #and drink your water #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

i just watched weak hero class 1 twice over the past 3 days, and now I'm watching D.P. and literally three actors from there are in and it's just so funny.

#kdrama #weak hero #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

no decent sleeping schedule lasts more than 5 days with me that's for sure. It's 5am, I need to be out by 8.30am, at this point it's called a NAP (from 6 to 7.30 that's a 90min full cycle so uhhh it could work)

#ebonirants #oh the misery

[sadkidwarexpert]

so my lips are dry and cracked and swollen because of mouth breathing and i also got sick? It's 7.24am and i still haven't fallen asleep (it's the weekend so it's fine) and i am about 17 lectures behind in internal medicine, my body is sore all over from a single set of workouts on Wednesday and at this point i am so overridden with anxiety that it feels like i drink it by the gallon.

#i need to get this out there otherwise ill lose my shit #sickness is mild for now #ebonirants #why did i get into med again?

[sadkidwarexpert]

some of you may have noticed the fact that i deleted all the posts in my blog, and the reason for that is something most of you won't be able to understand nor accept, but i trust that you respect it as a personal, religious choice of mine that i intend to uphold, hence why my activity on the site will change. I will no longer be reblogging any kpop content, will no longer be writing any fanfiction, and won't be accepting dms and asks related to those topics.

The content I'll be posting will still be my writing but something I'm more comfortable with and that aligns with my views. That being said, I understand that if you follow me solely for SVT content, you might unfollow, that's entirely up to you, everyone is entitled to curate their blog experience according to their wants. My style in writing won't change, it just won't be about romance or relationships, the angst and darkness remains haha.

Those of you who follow me to be mutuals or friends and like my writing for itself rather than it being svt content, i don't think you'll see any difference, those who followed for the content specifically, well, i understand how my decision could upset some people but still it's my blog and my well-being and peace of mind so do with that what you will.

The layout and theme will be updated as soon as i have the time, I'm very busy rn for anything so yeah.

I appreciate your understanding and respect.

- eboni

#ebonirants #important announcement #seventeen

[sadkidwarexpert]

hopping in to say that I'm studying for my exams, and I'll hopefully be back with some content by the end of june or something. i miss writing so much and i think i might have some ideas. my lovely friends here, you're on my mind and im sending you love.

#ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

16.03.23

#ebonirants #just had to put this out there

[sadkidwarexpert]

why is the best response i have to decline in mental health is disappearance and isolation? At the same time it's not like I owe anyone to get better or do I? Even after coming back on whichever platform or in irl I'm not better I just come back because I'm lonely and realize that it's pointless. What's really frustrating is that I don't understand how to DEAL with this, I have exhausted all coping mechanisms possible, I'm legit just holding onto patience and faith in God. Dude, I wish I could answer "oh I'm fine, I'm alright" whenever im asked how im doing but the fucking reality is that my definition of 'fine' is: stable enough to do a maximum of 2 tasks while ignoring the 100 others, and for me to hit the actual threshold of 'fine' would be a goddamn miracle. And omg, when people say "hey you're doing what you can, take it one day at a time, you're doing well, it's okay to not do things, even a little bit is good progress", my dear love, how can i explain to you that it's never enough in my world? never enough in my career choice, which i blame myself for chosing, never enough in the way i exist, and so far away from help that i desperately need. No matter what I'm never enough, and that's just the truth.

#mental health #ebonirants

[sadkidwarexpert]

so hello everyone, i am back, things are still as complicated as they were and probably worse. as for life updates...i finished my pediatrics rotation and now am in internal medicine. writing wise, nothing happened, no stories, barely any poetry, but you still love me if I just shit post right? I have been logged out of here so apologies for not talking to anyone. how are yall?

#i am aware of what happened to moonbin and have been trying to process it as well. #ebonirants #don't know how i feel about being back but whatever i guess

[sadkidwarexpert]

Need some time and space for a while, to everyone who thought of me or texted me, I'm sorry I can't get back to you, life's just fucking weird rn and I'm not feeling too great.

#ebonirants #until next time.

[sadkidwarexpert]

I live to make the worst decisions possible and devour the consequences with my bare hands every single time

#i ate but at what cost #help plz someone take me out #ebonirants #also unrelated but jeonghan=theo and mingyu=intak prove me wrong