#which is the worst feeling in the world.

[amerasdreams]

What are the chances anyone on here still respects or even likes me

I doubt anyone on here doesn't despise me, at least some.

I reallt shouldnt blare all my insecurities on here. Needing an outlet. I wasn't going to. :( bc tumrblr isn't emotional support. But I get in the mode where i don't care.

Then I regret it.

No one can take me seriously... no one can really want to associate with me other than watching a train wreck. So.

I either have to learn to become something

Or just. Resist putting my feelings on here. How.

Much nicer if I could make a persona that was proud and arrogant and stick to it

But I hate lying, so

I have to become something irl somehow. On my own. With no support.

#bc others dont know or care who i really am #maybe a couple #but not most #so what am i doing here #take a break #become something #then come back #at least get s house #not a trailer house bc ill have the same problem #become social #hahahahahhzhaha #yr #and or #do sth amazing #so u all admire me instead of scorn me #which is the worst feeling in the world. #😞 #go to anew tumrblr again #hahaha #try to become sth #hahaahha #if i put on only nice things #and resist any negative #maybe ill become better #and be worthy of having friends

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[cinnamonsly]

i don’t think there is anything worse in this entire world than desperately clinging onto a hyperfixation you’ve had forever that you know is slowly fading away from you

#and you know there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it either #literally one of the worst feelings in the world #yes this may or may not be about CCCC #like i still love the characters and album to death but my brain doesn’t have a frickin chokehold on them anymore like it did #which is honestly one of the main reasons for this massive art block rn #this isn’t to say CCCC/CJ art and content is going away. no worries about that #but i find it rly hard to draw stuff for things i am not currently hyperfixated on #ugh it’s a struggle. but i’m working on it #thanks for ur patience

[ghostlygunk]

sometimes i remember that ib fan twitter user tht was diehard insisting abt how mary did nothing wrong in the story and how garry was apparently in the wrong

#ib spoilers #SCRYBE.txt #i understand their angle though #mary is just a child and i do feel for her. her entire thing is very sad and i wish there was a way to bring her into the real world #without having to let garry die as well. #however with everything ib and garry have seen throughout the fabricated world #of COURSE garry's going to assume the worst when he finds out mary is also a painting. almost every living painting/art piece/etc. that-- #him and ib have encountered have wanted to harm them. fuck's sake the first time you see garry in the fabricated world is him-- #on the verge of death BECAUSE of one of those living paintings. of COURSE he is going to immediately assume 'oh shit she wants to hurt ib' #which she does indeed attempt to do when she finds out garry knows tht she's a painting #like it SUCKS. and i wish there was a better way but at that point she does actively want to hurt the two and actively tries to #in my ideal world there's an ending where you can save them both :( #i really wanna play the remake

[ducktracy]

compilation of my villagers bullying me. this will be a growing collection. these are all from today alone.

#‘but Eliza didn’t you start a new Wild World town on an emulator’ Yes #i’ve had this town for 4 years which is the best i’ve ever done LOL but my cartridge is showing its age and freezing and i don’t #feel like getting yelled at Resetti. but i dislike the controls for the ROM especially since my keyboard is weird #so we’ll make do. somehow #Purrl in my GC town was dumb like Purrl in my WW town i’m pretty sure i did a reset trick and cheated her in LOL #DUMB LUCK #which is what i’m vowing to stop doing by starting all these towns #‘don’t cheat or constantly delete your town to get good villagers’ is like the most basic thing you can do but my AC #perfectionism and neuroticism runs very deeply #when i was a kid if i got a villager i hated i would delete the town without question and would refuse to look at the screen. i hated Cesar #and Boone for this reason and them moving into my town is the worst thing that ever could have happened to me and it happened many times #because i was a RESETTING FOOL!!! #i love you deeply Animal Crossing but you have made me foster some incredibly odd neuroses #ac

[rotzaprachim]

one of the most bitter ironies from a certain flavour of western (usually American, British, French) leftist who’se decided to comment on the Jews Writ large and just suggest that Israelis ought to have just gone back to where they come from if they didn’t want to be murdered is that the US, UK, and France been hugely culpable in forcing massive numbers of Jews, along with other middle eastern refugees, from their homelands through colonialism and interventionist and destabilizing policies in Iran, Afghanistan , Algeria, Lebanon, Yemen, and so forth. It’s downright ghoulish to refuse to wrestle with the history behind why the vast majority of the worlds’ middle eastern Jews live in the state of Israel when YOU, as the major colonial powers of the region, are culpable for it

#No I don’t want to hear from Yankees about Jews dying as a form of solidarity from their own actions actually #Everyone should be an anti Zionist #An essential and I mean ESSENTIAL part of that work is mentally reckoning with WHY Jews live in the state of Israel to begin with #Because otherwise? Kinda feels like the worst forms of gaslighting #Sorry we destabilized your homelands to the extent you were forced to leave as refugees AND refused to reckon with creating a global world #In which you could be safe! #Here’s someone else’s land. As a treat #All you refugees can be unceremoniously dumped here now have fun guys!!!!! #As an Ashkenazi but also tagalog Jew: there isn’t nearly enough intersectionality on Jews themselves as post colonial victims or how the #State ideology was founded in the first place #It’s extra bitter to hear simplistic takes from western leftists about how the Jews can just go home like #A) where? Where too? #And b. I don’t want to throw them this bone #But the vast vast majority of Jews who don’t live in isreal live in other settler colonial states #Because we were. Moved there #But for some funny reason those tend to be the states they live in and they don’t consider their own passports sufficient cause of dea #death. Or something

[makotonaegiunderstander]

something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.

“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”

#makoto naegi #Danganronpa character analysis #Danganronpa #danganronpa thh #danganronpa future arc #I fucking love Makoto Naegi man. #I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known #he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said #he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky #he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did #if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world. #he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done #and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend. #I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though #post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do #it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to #and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc #he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions #I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse #and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate #and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable. #honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually #I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself #that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels #it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it #it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic #anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for #the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!

[sailforvalinor]

Idk if this is controversial, but studying for a English/writing degree at university shouldn’t make you NOT want to engage with writing or literature. Just a thought.

#the amount of times one of my literature professors presented us with the worst reading or interpretation (some of which were just plain #revolting) of a piece of literature almost as if she were expecting us to like it just because it was sensational and me and everyone else #going ‘um. no. sorry. not only does that make no sense but now I kind of want to throw up’ #I just came here to read some gothic lit and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now. (my fault for signing up for gothic lit I suppose) #her English survey class made me never want to look at the written word again #however I know this isn’t me having an issue with survey classes (although the rate they make you read at is kind of ridiculous and I read #fast: case in point for one of them I had to read Huck Finn in 9 days) #because I took American Survey from another professor and it was really challenging but probably the best course I ever took at university #I was not expecting to develop such a distaste for the academic world at uni but maybe that’s just my university (whenever I complain about #this my mom always tells me I need to watch Dead Poet’s Society lol) #siggggghhh anyway. hoping for some better classes with my exchange program (although none of them are writing/English as I’m almost #finished with my degree) #english lit #university #english #college

[technicalknockout]

rewatching carl

#taking this opportunity to ramble in the tags #i like this ep so much it's probably one of my favorites #it's so. it's. ghsdgjfshj. LOOK #compared to lets get shadowy ko was clearly more comfortable around venomous #ko was STARTING to think 'oh maaaybe he's not the worst dad in the world?' #and it gets thrown back at his face #i love the car scene. it has none of the show's usual bright colors or background music #it BUGS ME #which is GREAT because THATS THE EMOTION IM SUPPOSED TO FEEL #the feeling of 'it's all going downhill. darn' #and wow everything does go downhill so incredibly fast #it's like getting hit by three or four consecutive gut punches #and you feel terrible but WOW the episode is SO GOOD they sure know how to make me feel like crying! #yes i havent recovered. yes i know it's obvious. #*grabs passing stranger* CARL IS GOOD HERE'S A THREE HOUR TED TALK ON THE REASON WHY #incoherent ramblings

[madfantasy]

Helloz

I'm so grateful to be back online again, but I still have random connection

Lov ♥️🖤

Mani

#im not in the immediate vicinity- thankfully- we only got the electric issues #unlike the neighboring countries did have the worst of it- flooods nd deths #i feel missing being online- i know from how much im absent im already forgotten which is to be expected #i just--idk how to navigate that but just continue to draw tbh #the ones who always message me nd reblog my things always has my heart-- thank u precious dears #wish the world well

[meirimerens]

got the tldr of the vid that I'm Not Watching All That & somewhat amusing how the straw breaking the camel's back for people over James Somerton is his blatant and unashamed plagiarism (as it should be genuinely i don't think you can nor should recover from this) like he hasn't regurgitated for years vile, unempathetic, ahistorical and Purely Just Wrong information about gay history including about the fight for legal same-sex marriage in the US and the AIDS crisis. like an alarming amount of people truly heard his ass say "all the good fun funky artistic and radical gays died of aids and all those who were left were unfun stuck-up prudes and conservatives also the fight for legal same-sex marriage was an assimilationist ploy by the latter who just wanted big gay weddings" as if the gay men who survived the epidemic didn't literally lose lovers and friends and entire communities and long-term partners who they shared a life with and who were denied any crumb of this previous life at their death because there was no legal recognition for same-sex cohabitation and unions and their homophobic family could tear everything from the surviving partner thanks to this lack of recognition and let it slide.

some people out there were truly so eager to shit on the boring assimilationist prude gays who survived aids by being stuck-up prudes and who just wanted "big gay weddings" they made up in their minds to get mad at that they turned their brains off and let it slide. they could've used their smoothed-out brains for ONE minute & found out that surviving took 1) plain boring luck and 2) radical, loud, proud gay activists campaigning for safe/safer sex and the information campaigns they led, as well as the protests and demonstrations they undertook to make the government fucking care for once. and that legally-recognized unions [be they civil or religious] were a matter of survival for the partner left behind. some people out there truly let a business major with a turtleneck (possibly the definition of boring) passing himself off as cool and radical and an intellectual tell them homophobic bullshit. and did not blink. like OF COURSE this guy's gonna be a plagiarist. he needs to get his information from SOMEWHERE. because when he tries to formulate his own stuff it's complete fabrications or the frankensteining of multiple sources that he manages to misunderstand/misrepresent threefold over. trying to fit a knit sock over the foot with the inside out and wonder why that itches.

i know many people in his audience are likely very young and also likely american and as such did most of their growing up in a world where their country (1 out of 195. give or take.) had legalized gay marriage but i cannot even begin to describe 1) how Young legalized gay wedding is, even in ""the west"" and 2) how many. other countries there are. my country legalized same-sex marriage before the US did. i am not even 25 and i still remember the hordes of catholics marching down the streets chanting homophobic slogans, implying the only reason two mommies or two daddies would want to raise a child together is for nefarious, vile purposes. i still remember families having to drag their asses into court to argue that, yes, a woman who raised a child for its whole life with another woman she's in a long-term committed cohabitated relationship with should have the right to be considered a direct guardian even if she's not biologically related to the child, and spending thousands of bucks having to argue their case in court. this might be shocking to some, but there are countries where homosexuality is punishable by death. in others, not by death, but by imprisonment. in others, not by imprisonment, but by ""medical intervention"". in others, not by ""medical intervention" but by fines. and in some others still, you can be gay (yay!) but you still cannot get married or civil-unioned, and the very same shit that was discussed in the 80s is still discussed now. the right to stay a guardian of your partner's child if your partner dies or is ill, so the kid does not go into foster care. the right to inherit your partner's property according to married rights instead of having through long annoying time- and money-consuming legal processes. the right to arrange your partner's funeral or have a say in their medical choices if they're incapacitated instead of their (potentially homophobic) families.

like We Are Not There Yet. we are not in a world where any homosexual can truly, fully, wholeheartedly assimilate, whether you consider it a good thing or not. fun gay artists and boring uninteresting gay office workers die the same death that we all do. the one you don't wake from. and guess what. all types of homosexuals, regardless of which ones you pick and choose to be mad at, are affected by homophobic legislation. not just the ones you think should be spared because they're oh so fun. and oh so radical.

donate to the rainbow railroad org if you can. they help LGBT+ people escape state-sponsored violence. a singular nail on one of their members' hand does more activism and real-life good than any mfer making video essays could do in his entire life.

#also were the two gay male writers who died of AIDS who's shit you stole of the ''fun artistic gays'' or the boring ones? you seem to like #their stuff enough to steal. you want their talent their eloquence and their presence; which is missed; sooo bad you look stupit! #also gay people have always gotten married. privately; clandestinely; in secret; in shame often. #gay people have had commitment ceremonies for as long as we've had partners. #like even if some of us did want ''big gay weddings''. by all means cope and seethe that no one wants your hand in marriage #and to dedicate their lives to you as you do to them publicly; to the world's face. but that's a skill issue. #not making this shit rebloggable i'm just complaining about the guy. have disliked him for a while for this ^ & also his fabrication of #how Radclyffe Hall's trial actually went. like you can literally wikipedia this shit. #unrelated me and my dad have this joke where when i feel like my academic life is not too great/i maybe should have done something else #i go ''well i might have gone to the Unemployment Factory; but at least i'm not a Business Student [shocked face] [retching face]'' #and my dad hysterically laughs. all of the worst people he's ever met had been business students once. #anyways. allmother mother of all great priestess of dishing out Ls to the deserving #thank you for having taken this man down in such a glorious colossal blaze. CHEH! #neigh (blabbers)

[cookinguptales]

now that I'm done imagining a jar of peanut butter, can I just say that I love that Shane and Ryan have shifted away from traditional true crime to just shootin' the shit about weird-ass mysteries?

I always liked the "let's talk about weird mysteries" aspect of buzzfeed unsolved, but being real with you, I'm uncomfortable with true crime and the culture surrounding it. like... as someone who lost a loved one to a violent (and temporarily unsolved) crime, I've seen firsthand how internet theorizing can make a traumatizing time even harder and like. it's fucking rough, man.

I get that it makes money and all (which... is a whole other can of worms) but when you view human suffering as entertainment, it's so easy to forget about the real people who will actually be affected by what's put out there on the internet.

so I'm happy that Shane and Ryan seem to be leaning a lot more into "wow, some unhinged shit happened! how fucked up is that?" on mystery files. more of this, please!!

#watcher #mystery files #also like... anyone can make money off true crime if they're charismatic enough #which means that often those narratives end up mirroring real-life prejudices #I remember when my friend died people online were accusing his wife of doing it #solely because she was an immigrant #people kept talking about her shady accent and how she probably married him for his money and to get a green card or whatever #and how her wording was sometimes confusing so she must be lying #what money??? number one #she was ESL number two #but also this woman literally watched her husband bleed out and people all over the world were accusing her of murdering him #they figured out what happened later (shocker she was telling the truth the whole time) but it was so heartbreaking to watch #I hate that people feel entitled to the worst moments of strangers' lives y'know? #and to make MONEY off that... #bruh if someone ever tries to fucking make money off my murder while putting on makeup or whatever #I will haunt the fuck out of them #I don't even know if I believe in curses but I'll find a fucking way

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[aroceu]

my mindset toward myself has recently gone from "I'm an unlikable person" to "it is normal for not everyone to like me - as well as it is normal for there to be people who dislike me - when I am unapologetic about who I am" and honestly I love that for me

#😌 #I guess I'm usually used to bad stuff happening to me and feeling like I deserve it in some way just intrinsically based on who I am #which sure is the OCD superstition talking 💀 but anyway #it's definitely easier now that my life recently has just been at its peak where I'm now like #oh yeah!! im not the literal worst person in the world im just a human being!!! #but it's honestly so freeing to be in this mental state too... we love growth

[oh-hools]

valentibners thoyghts yesterday: i love my girlfrebd and i wish i wasn't so sleepy all the time

#hooly noises #i fell asleep in call before it even if it was 4am for her and like 3pm for me #i wiiissshhhhh i had much energy to do things for ppl i love. i would like to draw ppl things and id like to hang out #i feeeeellllll a little bit selfish all the time. i feeeeeeelllll like i rarely use what energy i have for anything other than myswlf #which you knowwwww isn't the worst thing in the world. but i feel like im always distancing myself socialllyy #because i don't respond to messages or i don't give people time or i don't let people know #--- #i think when my brain found out im not technically obligated to do anything socially ever it took it too far #prioritize feeling good and going to sleep. nothing else #little bit assholish. im a little bit shittty #but i hope it's clear i still love? #sorry! im still learning. don't look at me for too long #zzz