#which is really fucking scary

[inniave]

finally got that second opinion surgery consultation scheduled. i'd thought well maybe i can get away without it but the pain is getting worse again :/ consult is mid-may so it's just a matter of pain & ptsd management until then

#though i think i'm doing a little better ptsd wise this time around because it's a woman doctor #which is still scary but not the same yk #she's the only woman jaw surgeon in town though???? i looked and looked and looked #there's like 20 men :/ #anyway #using every coping skill in my book #and i do have a nice little getaway planned at the state park between now & then so i'm looking forward to that #get to just sit and watch the lake #and i'm doing all my somatic trauma processing i can as the feelings/flashbacks/sensations come back #and hoping that maybe this can lead to a resolution of some of these things #even if it's hard #my brain will dissociate rather than deal with but we've done so much grounding work cant dissociate to same degree so kinda #being forced to actually process & work on #which is really fucking scary #but i know there will be an other side #and maybe things won't feel so heavy once we get there

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

he is just. so shaped. so so so So shaped.

#im Attempting some new tactics #it doesnt really show! but i am! #starting to fuck around w/ watercolor brushes... #holding him up like a little bee and saying I Just Think He's Neat! #< i jest! i think much much more about him #that i cannot share without devolving into an incoherent mess! #so. i just think he's neat :]c #scribble salad #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #frank frankly #im also trying... to do... (dramatic thunderclap) BACKGROUNDS #i know i know. very scary. they're still very messy #but... i like objects? i like Things? i like to look at a page and see put together clutter! #maximalism babey! #which is deadly when you're an artist methinks. but. whats one more agony added onto the rest! #it will be a while until i figure out how to Accomplish that put-together clutter.... #im still bad at colors! im trying to swim before i can walk! Yikes!

[haunted-xander]

What's there to be afraid of?

#i think her 3 years w thancred were a special kind of hell but i think thry had good moments too #i mean ryne very clearly admires and looks up to him even when hes fucking everything up #and shes never shown being scared of him #at most shes nervous or anxious #the closest to her being scared of him weve seen is right after we save her from capture #and shes nervous when she admits she ran off bc she didnt think thancred would let her go #but thats just being worried about ur parents scolding u which everything has felt at some point #that said i do think she recognises that thancred COULD be scary #and probably is to some people #but shes never seen him that way #tho tbf her point of reference is ran'jit who is far more intimidating than thancred could ever be #so really i think her scale of whats scary or not is kinda skewed #ryne waters #thancred waters #final fantasy #final fantasy 14 #final fantasy xiv #ff14 #ffxiv #art #my art #xanders art #digital art #fan art #xander being insane about ryne

[tariah23]

This is such a harmful sentiment to push considering that you don’t necessarily have to be “attractive,” (beauty is subjective, yada yada) in order for men to want to harm you in the slightest… like man, what…

#the lady talks about being followed and harassed and so on as if every woman and girl in the world regardless of their age and #‘good looks’ #hasn’t experienced this and will continue to #I hate when these girls especially ones who are conveniently attractive talk about stuff like this under the guise of speaking for all #women while x-ing out most women #this easily leads into the realm of ‘you’re too ugly/fat to be assaulted ANYWAY-‘ #talk that I see spread by misogynists and bird brained women like it’s such a natural thing to even say it’s actually rly scary #especially when it comes to the assault shit which is usually about power and control anyway #they don’t care what you look like #you could be covered up head to toe and someone would try to hurt you just because #I hate when women like this go online thinking that they said something open their mouths I really do #rambling #tw assault #got dudes in the comments going ‘she’s not even pretty anyway she’s like a 4 out of 10’ #completely missing the message (as if they care) and see #these are the kinds of people that stuff like this attracts #stuff like this coming out of a woman’s mouth especially is so dangerous #I don’t think I’m the most good looking person in the world and I’ve been followed sm times I had to run away from a guy once and luckily #my bus was right fucking there!!! #then the guy who was harassing me years ago at a bus stop and forced me to hug him and touched my butt and no one else was around to help #me… #and he kept on trying to get me to go back to his apartment around the corner like that was so #the man who followed me into the store as I was shopping and I noticed that he kept on staring at me #then tried to holla and he looked way older than me and I think he was a pastor or something too he had a nice car and tried to get me to #come with him #sm more incidents over the years like this is crazy pls don’t say stuff like this and act like it’s normal #someone in the comments said that people like the woman in the video think that being pretty will free them from the patriarchy and like… #YEAH 😭 #it’s so obvious too lmfao #these be the same women calling themselves ‘girls girls’’

[tradingjack]

These were the concept pages I drew for my original writer in the @vashwoodbigbang event! Unfortunately they have disappeared on me 😅 and also bc god hates me I guess, the day I was supposed to post these, yesterday, saw me dealing with first a wifi outage and then a whole electricity outage so. That was fun lmao

Details about the drawings below since. I don't know if my writer will ever post the story, unfortunately 😔

So this was originally coined as a stardust au! I believe it was primarily based on the movie that came out in the 2000s (?), though I believe my writer was familiar with both the movie and the book it was based on. Honestly, it doesn't pull much at all from the story itself, just the general concepts of stars.

In this version, Vash is a star, and he decides to try and find his long-lost siblings (Knives and Tessla). In his search, he comes across a planet he hasn't visited before, and while he's descending to it, he's shot down by something mysterious that causes him rather permanent injury (not new; I believe he'd already lost his arm previously and he has all his scarring from travels to previous planets, this specific technology is just new to him).

He manages to crawl some distance from the resulting crater and is rescued by the odd pair of anthropologist Milly and journalist Meryl, who are tracking fallen stars on their planet in order to research them. Vash is horrified to learn that stars on this planet are rather brutally searched for and used for their power, so he tries his best to keep his real identity as a star secret.

In the next town, he learns about Star Cultists, who are the leading experts on stars. Our dear Wolfwood is one of them, and though he's a priest under the head of Chapel, he seems pretty jaded about the whole thing. He also spends some time poking fun at their visitor Vash when he stumbles on the doorstep of the church.

Unbeknownst to all, Chapel is the one who shot Vash down, and he suspects Vash is his target. When Vash, Milly, and Meryl skip town, Wolfwood is ordered to tag along with them against his will, and he begrudgingly forces himself into the group with his usual grace lol.

Through some shenanigans, including an interesting fight with Livio/Razlo who is a martyr (a human who ate at least part of a star and became consumed by it), the group all grows closer to each other. Naturally, Wolfwood and Vash hit it off with their usual ideology clashing and homoerotic team fighting. The tension comes to a head when both of the boys are drunk and attempting to stumble somewhere after getting kicked out of the bar, and with the help of liquid courage, Wolfwood admits to Vash that he's what's known as a "Star Eater:" a human that has consumed part of a star, and by some genetic luck, isn't consumed by it and instead gains some superhuman abilities so long as the magical tattoo (i forget what it's called off the top of my head fuck) that forms around the presenting star isn't broken.

Vash is understandably horrified. Wolfwood is confused by Vash's rejection bc he isn't aware Vash is a star; he's under the impression Vash is just some very talented guy Chapel really wants to feed a star shard in the hopes he becomes part of their superhuman cult.

Vash sobers up and manages to drag a very drunk and eepy Wolfwood to their hotel.

The next day is the turning point; the star cultists, including Chapel, catch up to them and confront Vash. Wolfwood has to learn very quickly that he'd been Wrong and Vash, in his panic, flies to where it feels most safe; the city's Star (storage area?? Idk). He ends up cornered there and, in his panic, accidentally goes nuclear trying to escape and blows up half the city in a column of flame. While he's barreling across the desert in an attempt to get away, he's trapped by a net the star cultists set up, made of the same shit used to shoot him down at the start, and he can't escape it on his own.

Luckily he's found by Wolfwood first, who's decided he owes it to Vash to try and fix his fuck up, and using his superhuman healing, he manages to free Vash. Both are exhausted and ultimately rescued by LR, who's been tailing them.

Tbh my memory's kinda foggy... my writer only managed to share up to that first LR fight, so I don't remember exactly what's supposed to happen between here and the fight at the orphanage?? I remember Vash somehow finds out what happened to his siblings (a hella long time ago, Tessla was consumed by the people of the planet and Knives, in his rage, fuckin just annihilated everything, turning it into a desert planet, and has been laying dormant for the most part since then) and also we learn that martyrs gain better control of themselves, and the crystal growth consuming them stops, when in proximity to enough additional star power. Vash, as a star himself, allows LR to easily think as they did before they ate a star shard when in close enough proximity.

Anyway, fight for the orphanage, Vash shows up in time to see Wolfwood getting his shit rocked and his magical tattoo (I'm so annoyed I can't remember what it's called. My mind is supplying sharingan and i know that aint it) shattered by Chapel, who accomplishes this by running Wolfwood through with his cane. Vash, believing Wolfwood's dead (bc like. Lmao it's pretty hard to live getting impaled, like, fully), loses his temper and basically obliterates Chapel. He moves on from Wolfwood's body to try and dismantle the entire Star church so Wolfwood's orphanage can stay safe. In this process, he confronts a Doctor Conrad, who was behind the whole thing, the remains of Tessla, and somehow Knives?? I think Knives, sensing Vash's anguish, just tried to fuckin nuke everyone, and Vash stops that. I feel like Knives dies in this process somehow... I think it was by saving Vash from something Conrad made??

By the end of it, Vash is wounded and exhausted, and ends up being saved by Milly and Meryl, I think.

When he recovers, it's to find he's lost his ability to leave the planet; while still functionally a star, his power has greatly diminished, his hair is black, and he can't even hide his wings anymore. Last I knew, my writer was actually merciful and let Wolfwood live! Albeit as a martyr (thus the wolf form with the uncontrolled star shard bursting out of the hole in his chest you can see on Wolfwood's page lol). Luckily he's got Vash around, so he gets to keep his mind, if not his human form.

With Knives dead and the star cultists mostly dispersed and no longer able to fuck with the planet, the story ends with our characters getting to experience rainfall on the planet for the first time in centuries.

.......

I like the story :P I imagine it'd be a lot better written out in actual novel form by the person who'd actually thought it up than my shitass, too-long summary lol.

Honestly my writer was communicating up until like, a month ago?? And then they just.... disappeared :/ which is weird bc I checked with my mod for this event (shout out to mod sana, @pushclouds, you're an amazing mod and I appreciate the heck out of you) and they submitted literally every check-in. Honestly I'm more worried for them than anything, if anyone knows what happened to @lohikaar I'd appreciate anything you can tell me. I hope they'll publish this story whenever they can, I'd still love to read it in its entirety.

Additional shout-out to @priellan for beta-ing the story they shared with us, and for overall being a super supportive team member :D

Also they did assign me a pinch hitter writer since we have no idea wtf happened to my original writer, so I'll be doing more drawings :D priellan agreed to beta for them too, which I'm super happy about! And thanks again to mod sana for your hard work and arranging that so quickly!

An admittedly strange first big bang experience, but I don't think it was overall bad, and I'm excited to work on more stuff with my new writer :D if you read this far goddamn. Thanks lol. See you again for sure on January 1st! (I'll try to post other shit between then and now hopefully)

#vashwood big bang #my art #stardust au #man im. idk. it really feels like the universe was against me on this one but fuck the universe I'll do what i want #i deserve to make silly little drawings of queer silly little guys. i think ive earned that this year. good god #anywayyy will be making more #and fr like. if aster does see this im not angry! im not even really disappointed i know shit happens #really i'd just like assurance that you're alive and well at this point 😅 #feel like we've been through some real scary stuff this year #trigun #fanart #primarily based off trimax tbh #still plugged a lot of christianity into this one dont worry #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #werewolf??? ig????? it's not technically a werewolf but also shit dude i was looking up werewolves as references so #vash x wolfwood #ik there's really none in the drawings but that was a focal point of the story #which the concept pages are about

[ravenbirde]

a travelling cat with a house on her back for a new d&d campaign about giant kingdom politics :3

checkers is a calico voadkyn (catlike firbolg) peace cleric/mercy monk! her design is partly inspired by a folk tale i heard a lot as a kid called kasa jizō :]

#i’m very attached to her if u couldn’t tell . which is scary bc this is supposed to be a high fatality campaign o_o #her build is also really fun. i fucking love monks #in literally our first session she had a yuri moment. so she’s rly special to me as u can imagine #my art #oc: checkers #dnd #dnd monk #dnd firbolg #dnd voadkyn #<- do NOT look up the official art of this. it’s terrifying #dnd cleric #peace cleric #mercy monk #forgotten realms #dnd art

[birdricks]

ok heres this. how i interpreted his fears at least

#rnm spoilers #most of them r said pretty plainly but whatever LOL i love lists #interesting how u can see mortys Main fear of relying on rick right from the start #not sure abt the ‘rick putting them in danger one’ #its in tbat little loop of Rick Fears #which im not quite sure what to make of. so thats the closest i can get #its definitely smth hes doen a lot. so theres that #SCARY IMPLICATIONS of morty having overcome his reliance on rick. or at least his fear of it #like in conquering the hole alone hes realised he doesnt really Need rick. #like maybe one day therell be a time he gets in trouble and rick Wont bail him out. or cant. but hes ok w that now? #hmmmm. intersting. very curious to see where that goes #themost painful one for me is being responsible for ricks sadness #liek thsts so fucking rough. #GETTING PERSONAL…. like i know how it feels to be a kid and feel responsible for the emotions of adults. it sucks balls #itd be interesting to see if All of these fesrs have been conquered or just the reliance one

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando S1E5 - “Mission Accomplished”

#i think last ep was better for the more cinematic shots #this ep was definitely more focused on the racing itself as opposed to more personal stuff #which is very okay ofc!! dakar is so interesting but seriously scary as fuck #in this ep he flipped over in his car and was fine but even tho i know in the present hes fine it was still terrifying #in this ep he was either very focused or acting like a little gremlin overall very fernando LOL #god i love his eyes sm hes so expressive and cute #they did this montage at the end of the ep with all trhe stuff he did in 2019-2020 god what an impressive era #bro really took a break from f1 and excelled in practically everything #like watching this its so clear rally is just completely different from single-seater yet he got 13th????? my man! #i hope they do more seasons bcs this was such a cool view into his life and him as a person #im guessing netflix with their dts wouldnt be too happy with his camera crew being there sighhhhhh #cause god could you imagine?? thered be such good happy nando content AND SO MUCH UNDRAMATICIZED STROLLONSO #fernando alonso #fernando s1e5 #fa14 #formula one #formula 1 #f1 #dakar rally #we do a little bit of f1 #fernando(show)

[luck-of-the-drawings]

two wrongs WILL make a right! ive got another lease on life, and im using it well, who cares if this is all fucked up cause we're all GOING TO HELL! IM JUST WILLIAM WHO SHOULD BE DEAD, HAD TO FOLLOW THE THREAD, thought he was just chillin! now he is a villain! HES ALWAYS SUCH A BUMMER, HE WANTS TO TRUST HIS BROTHER WILLIAM IN A HALLWAY BY HIMSEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi pd spoilers #william wisp #RRAAHHHHGH I KNOW THEIR LIL PARODY OF MICHEAL IN A BATHROOM OR WHATEV WAS SLIGHTLY COMEDIC. LIKE WIWI IN A HALLWAY #HAHAAA HIS NAME IS WIWI ISNT THAT FUNNY. ISNT THAT FUCKIN FUNNY. AND YYYEEEEEEEEEEETTTTT!!! #WILLIAM IS SO FUCKIN SAD DUDE... ESPECIALLY DURING THE GRAYSCALE ARC. HE REALLY THINKS HES BETTER OFF DEAD. #HIS FIRST DEATH WAS AN ACCIDENT! AND THEN HE WAS SADDLED WITH ALL SORTS OF POWERS AND RESPONSIBILITY HE DIDNT FUCKIN WAANT #AND IT TURNS OUT HES STILL DEAD! HIS BODY IS ROTTING AND FALLING APART AS WE SPEAK!! THATS SO FUCKING SCARY!!! #BUT THEN. OOOHH BUT THEN HIS WONDERFUL FRIEND DAKOTA TELLS HIM. ILL GIVE YOU MY HEART SO YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN. AND IT WORKS!!! #WILLIAM ACCEPTS LIFE AND REJECTS THE WISP POWERS AND FEELS SO SO THANKFUL TO HIS WONDERFUL BEST FRIEND DAKOTA. #A DEBT TO REPAY EVEN IF DAKOTA WILL NEVER CASH IN ON IT. HES JUST A PERFECT HERO LIKE THAT.. BUT WILLIAM.. OHH ROTTING LIL WILLIAM.. #EVEN WITH NEW BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH HIM HES STILL DEAD INSIDE. HES STILL USELESS. POWERLESS. SELFISH AND IMPULSIVE AND STUPID AND JUST. #NOT A HERO. WHICH IS FINE! IF ONLY HE WAS A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO RETURN THE FAVOR TO DAKOTA THOUGH. BUT HES NOT. HE DOESNT THINK SO. #WILIAM REALLY BELIEVES THAT HE IS FORSAKING EVERY GIFT OF LIFE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN. HE THINKS HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT HES TOO SCARED TO DIE #JUST FAR TOO SCARED.. OF EVERYTHING.... WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT BRINGS US HERE. I GUESS THE GOOD NEWS IS THEYLL FORGET. #HE JUST WANTED TO TRUST HIS BROTHER. HE WANTED TO HAVE A BROTHER AND FIX THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND HONESTLY? #I THINK I WOULD DO THE SAME THING IN HIS SITUATION. MAYBE USE MY WORDS BETTER BUT YKNOW. THATS HIS BROTHER!!! #OKAy okay william makes me sooo EMOTIONAL but now ill mention the ART #THIS WAS Aboutthe time i actually figured out how to draw the white streak in williams hair. IT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH ORIGINALLY but imPROU #AND THE SHARP SPIRALS!! I LOVE THE SHARP SPIRALS. I LOVE DRAWING HIS HAIR JUST IN GENERAL... I JUS LOVE DRAWIN WIWI... #OHH And xavior... poor xavior... theyre still looking for cantrip arent they? they have no idea where she is..and DAVID YOU BIIITCH #david bell is such a good fucking antagonist. he COMPLETELY believes himself to be in the right and bizly plays him SO WELLL!! #BECAUSE HES SMART!! AND SMART PEOPLE CAN LOGIC THEIR WAY THROUGH ANYTHING! THATS WHY SMART PPL FALL INTO CULTS TOO! #BC A SMART PERSON CAN FIND A GOOD WAY TO JUSTIFY ALMOST ANYTHING TO THEMSELF. DAVID IS SMART AND THATS SCAARRYYYY... #IM So excited to see the consequences of williams actions carry on into season 3. i hope they contact allen and exavior and do. idk. someth

[clownattack]

my midterm/absolutorium is over and now i can actually. celebrate my bday lol i was too buried by uni bs this month to unwind.

i got like three diff pieces of cake from my fave pastry shop bc I DESERVE IT AFTER BLOWING MY PRESENTATION/DEFENSE OUT THE PARK (according my my classmates/prof but also ME MIETTE!!! IM SO HAPPY I DIDNT CLAM UP LIKE I DID DURING THE ONLINE PRESENAYSH AUHJA. And the prof cadre actually??? Seemed interested and asked me questions abt the process etc. Which is not on brand, usually they seem disinterested in what ppl are presenting and only a few projects get their attention. NGL after working my ass off beading these skulls i feel JUSTLY REWARDED. HARD WORK PAID OFF. And as per uj they couldnt believe i make them all by hand lmaaaaooo anyway zen right now after beinf so stressed last week & the weekend i can actually relax. enjoy my term break. make some clay critters

also the pics are kind of ehhh bcs the artificial lighting was super intense and kind of took away the softness/dark colors from the skulls esp :c i dont really want to upload hi res pics of these things until im finished with my masters 100% and hopefully have my degree. The red skull esp looks kind of miserable compared to rl/vids/proper documentation but i dont want to upload now. idk maybe i will once i rest and think abt it? ANYWAY THE CAKES

#maybe one more skull ahaha... #i have 7 already i dont need more but i want to make a pink/white oyster mushroom looking guy #BUT LIKE!!!!!! #IM SO HAPPY PROFS ENGAGED WITH ME #one showed me some art jewelry pieces as inspo/reference after i stepped down #since i mentioned i want to make jewelry annex inspired by memento mori jirly #and another one actually remembered me from last year??? HUH #He remembered the skeleton i made and said hes really looking forward to my masters being done / final presentation #which btw i will have to find an actual solo gallery space and organize the whole event #which #not scary at all #sweating #but for now im just elated by the validation and praise from everyone LAMOASDASD #ill fucking take it #like the skulls are sick ok #i didnt make pics of the whole set up #the kintsugi and delft one was on the grrrround #i dont really mind tho bcs yeah #for a gallery space the light quality was not good #i can make better pics in the studio/at home lol #i actually cant wait to make a proper post abt all this :'c #its been like 3 years of sculptures at this point that i havent posted abt #im so happy the live presentation impressed peeps #bcs yeah i was so stressed b4 the online one AND IT SHOWED #i said /actually/ so much and my voice wibbled #idek why i think it was exhaustion #ok im off to get my fucking BABA TIME #uni #gpoy

[hylaversicolor]

what is the bloody ocelhira lore …

you know when you're at a nightclub trying to assassinate some guy for pennies bc you're so broke but your informants have double crossed you and suddenly you're in the bathroom getting your shit knocked around by this asshole's six bodyguards and then your dickhead work partner who you had THOUGHT had abandoned you at the previous club shows up and shoots one of the bodyguards in the head and so you start brawling and punching bodyguards as well and it turns into a massive barfight and there's broken glass and blood everywhere and you and your asshole partner are just down and dirty in it bc you accidentally punched him in the jaw in the frenzy of the situation so he backhands you across the face and now he's on top of you with his fingers squeezing your throat and this terrible light in his eyes and there's broken glass digging into your back and you didn't mean to moan like that my bad. and also earth wind and fire is playing the whole time.

#ask #mgs #ocelhira #the idea of kaz being physically attracted to ocelot (mutually i think) since day one (which makes them both so mad) #but not really being like oh i need to Fuck him until she sees him get Scary on the job. #and she’s like yesss i knew you had it in you. while her eyes are rolling back in her head #my deep inner world of ocelhira lore

[anti-transphobia]

Everyone posts about how Stardew Valley is a cozy LGBT+ inclusive game but NO ONE mentions the lack of a platonic option for the bachelors/bachelorettes. Which would be good for aspec people and also just more pleasant for many casual players I believe but that's not even the point. I just want to become best friends with everyone and not only does that require me dating everyone at once and feeling like a sleazebag because of it (ik the bad cutscene can be avoided but I know in my heart they'd be hurt if they knew) BUT it also means the women flirt with me!!!!! Constantly!!!!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach. Truly ruining the characters I liked

#this post is not that serious or meant to be an Analysis or a Discourse Post or a Hot Take or whatever #i just think the dating thing needs to be handled differently #i should be able to Not Date characters and still get 10 hearts with them #also ive never made it far enough in stardew valley to marry someone and this is the first time i could even date someone #and ive heard that the flirtatious comments dont stop once you're married which is. really awkward for me #i mean i could probably handle the guys flirting with me while im married but id hope being married would be an off switch for it #its just awkward to have ppl im not actually dating and only gave a bouquet to so i can be their friend be called my bf/gf when. they're Not #i seriously need to find some kind of mod to fix this once i finish getting all the girls up to ten hearts #i will deal with the stomach churning grossness of the flirting for a while so i can see everything #but then I'm DONE!!! I'm DONE!!!! I just want my friends back!!!! #maru and abigail and haley !!! my buds!!! #NOT emily shes scary and NOT leah because we just didn't click and DEFINITELY not penny because i fucking hate her #penny sucks. penny dni #but yeah the flirting feels gross because im gay and repulsed by women romantically/sexually #and even though i did open myself up to this by playing the game. because i dont want it it feels like its being forced on me #which makes it feel even WORSE than normal #and its like. not only do i feel like I'm stringing along these characters #but i feel like my friendship with my favourites is ruined :(

[chiropteracupola]

I like when books have Maps and Charts in them and I think that all books should have such things.

and books which already have them? I think they should have More Maps and Charts.

#em is posting about temeraire #I do not know Where anything is or Who anyone is or What anything is and hypothetically these things should be explained by the book #but also I would like a Little Help and Visual-Spatial Understanding #what I am wishing for at this time is a Big Fucking Brick of a Book which has Maps and Illustrations and Scale Drawings #which. I do have one of those for the aubreyad and that's how I got informed about ***** ******** ***** ** * ******** ******** #so it is not entirely a Good and Fun thing to have one of those #but also I have 'if it's bigger than a horse I can't conceptualize it well' kind of brain which is Hard with both ships and dragons #hey waitaminute I just remembered the fact that my very second piece of Polished aubreyad art (circa 2020) has dragons in it #y'know what lacking this maybe I will try to go back to the Very Scary Bookstore sometime soonishly #and see if they still have that copy of the hornblower companion... hardly anyone goes into that bookstore so I think they very well might #(very nearly everything about that bookstore frightens me but they have really neat stuff there! real copy of porto bello gold! #the hornblower editions with the scratchboard covers! lynd-ward-illustrated master of ballantrae!)

[da-proti-toku-grem]

my mom found this super detailed online test that helps you find careers that you'd probably like according to your answers (ofc we know that it's just a test and it doesn't mean you have to study what they give you, but i just can't find anything that i like and i'm running out of time, so we were like, why not yk) so, i took the test and after 30 minutes of answering questions you know what i got? biotechnology. the same career that i chose last year and the one i dropped out of in january.

idk if i want to laugh or cry tbh

#i mean it gives you more than one option but this was the one with more compatibility #and the other ones are also a big no for me so... #god idk what to do with my life #and atp i can't help but start thinking (again): did i drop out bc i didn't like the career or bc my mental health is SO bad #i think it's a combination of the the two bc yeah i probably would've enjoyed the few months i did at least a bit more if i wasn't depresse #but i REALLY didn't like it #tho then again i don't know what changed bc it WAS what i wanted and then i got there and i went NOPE almost immediately #and like i know your opinions can change and that is good that i dropped out if i realized that's not my thing #but i can't help but wonder if it is really not my thing or is my brain just not letting me enjoy the things i like? #bc every option i've been looking at to start next year is like... No #i can't find anything i think i might enjoy at least a little bit #i found this university that i gives you the possibility of doing the classes and exams online and everything #and that would be to study 'translation and interpretation' with english & french (& spanish ofc) #and since i'm already bilingual in english & i've a certificate in french (not bilingual but is smth) i would be able to skip some subjects #which is good i guess and i like languages but it's also like the opposite of what i've been doing my whole life bc i studied science in hs #and then again idk if i'll like it or not #and i know i won't know if i like it or not until i try it out and everyone is like 'well if it's not your thing then you drop out again' #which i mean is true i Can but god i don't want to go through all this again i need at least a bit of certainity or i'm gonna go insane #also i've been searching for so long w/o findinf anything that my parents are already saying #'well if you don't want to study you'll have to look for a job' #and if the thought of studying a carreer is already scary #if i have to look for a job rn (there are not many options here if you don't have a degree)...... #the thought itself makes me sick :/ #i just don't know what to do and i'm so fucking tired i just want to curl up in bed and not do anything for at least 2 months #(am i having another existential crisis after that panic attack 3 days ago or did the existential crisis not stop since january?) #(probably sooner) #(i guess we'll never know........) #venting #maca speaks

[artist-rat]

have realised i've felt like my art should only stick to certain niches... you know? but how i'd love to not stress it so much 👉👈 thinking i'd love to do even more backgrounds! also want to start drawing prehistoric beasts and more animals in general! also perhaps more furry art?? want to share more abt d&d campaigns, more random meme redraw bullshit etc etc. mayhaps, if i get to it all😳 MAYBE

also just rly on the verge of starting to talk more... i genuinely love minding my own business but the allure of sharing random things is starting to get too much!! (might start on twitter tho bc it's already on fire anyway... maybe i could yell about creatures and stuff there while keeping my tumblr a bit cleaner since this is my main platform... idk!!)

#rat.pov #extremely torn bc i'm genuinely super private but on the other hand really crave silly lil interactions with ppl... #and i rly mean just random rambles and commenting nice things on ppls art etc. which is like what.... most ppl just do i guess #idk why it's so scary to me lol #also i dont mean this all as in i want to stop drawing fandom stuff i just mean adding more stuff that i like :) and not being so #stuck on thinking what i can and what i can't post. just being sillier. where's my fucking whimsy

[pepprs]

ok. moving out update. today i:

talked to my beloved ex supervisor / mentor (<- SCARY!!!!!) to ask her about her experiences living by herself esp as a short woman (which is not a big deal except for how it is + how my parents think it is) and get her advice abt how to navigate that experience psychologically and practically. i asked her if we could talk abt this very impulsively on thursday after not having the courage to do it for almost a year btw (<- BRAVE!!!!!!!!) and i was still too scared / embarrassed to ask her some stuff abt safety / self defense lol but it mostly went really well!

started making a budget and determined that a) i may be getting overpaid somehow (😳) b) i may be getting double or even triple charged for my health and life insurance (😒) so now i need to call hr on monday and figure all of that out. and also c) i suck at math but we knew that. but i forced myself to figure out what i did wrong so that’s an achievement

made my first ever student loan payment 😀🔫

booked a tour of one apartment and attempted to book a tour of another (the same place i was looking at in may) but their website was glitching out and then they didn’t answer when i called to schedule it over the phone which. hm. 😒 but yeah the tour(s) will happen mid week next week and im going to ride the shuttle to the apartment complex(es) and back to campus to see what that’s like too!

posted on local subr*ddit asking for recommendations for those two apartments + other places in the area. haven’t gotten anything back bc i just made the post but 😎👍

read a bunch of old journal entries from 2021 to remind myself of what it was like to move onto campus and how i pushed through my family’s hurt and disapproval to live the way i needed to. haven’t finished reading it all yet but i will tomorrow (while also doing my stupid homework 🙄)

#purrs #i really hope im not being overpaid lol. because if i am being overpaid that means i can’t afford to move out 😍 but my paystubs #are saying thats how much im making every week and it is… significantly more then im supposed to be making which is absolutely not a bad #thing i just don’t understand why it’s happening + want to make sure it’s supposed to be happening so that i don’t depend on an error that #would devastate me when remedied yk. but yeah. also i haven’t factored car stuff into any of this yet sooooo erm. we’ll see what happens #anyways uhm this is kind of crazy like. i am really making a concerted effort to try to move out. SOON. and my family doesn’t know. #chuckles im in danger but also….. tess pepprs epic girlboss redemption arc i think. i am doing big scary things and i can do them. fuck yeah #like. i don’t have to live like this anymore. i can change it TODAY. i have that power. i have done my time. i’m ready to fly and no one can #stop me. i will not be held back anymore. i’m going to live the life of my wildest dreams and i’m on the brink of beginning it.