#which irt to my previous post

[niishi]

Sanji is such an outlier in the group it makes me worry so much

#i have theories about that too #mostly that i get from like... #okay this is what we know about sanji #and heres things we know about zoro as a person #that we dont know about sanji #example: zoro likes cats so Sanji as his parallel would like dogs #oda is VERY meticulous with making sure they parallel each other like thos #so what we know about zoro is hes dedicated and loyal #which means the opposite has to be true about sanji #u feel me #sanjis loyalty even before wci has been flimsy #hes put them at stake plenty of times bc he has stronger loyalty for girls #which irt to my previous post #if theyre trying to guide them #then sending sanji to peachy makes more sense #bc if the prophecy worries about sanjis potential to betray or be disloyal to them over a woman #then sending him there to try to change the way he views women would make sense #one piece theory

[jahiera]

I think there’s a definite problem though with the amount of art and fics being HEAVILY Astarion with cis women. That reeks of his queerness being erased. There should be a healthy balance of Astarion with different partners, but the “default” in the fandom is always him with a woman. As a gay man it’s very frustrating.

Okay so. in however much any of this matters. 1. Shoving this under a cut for people who are tired of seeing the discourse (I am too, I tend to scroll really really fast past it.) 2. I know the fandom discourse machine looooves super firm and snarky opinion jabs summed up in 169 words or less but I am literally incapable of not elaborating so. sorry YOU asked. since it’s also probably relevant, Im coming at this with the Mega Dyke with the fuck around and find out perspective irt my life experiences and queerness. I don’t generally care about niche queer internet discourse and I don’t generally care about fandom discourse, so you can tell how bored I am at work rn that I’m deep diving into this. tldr yeah you’re not wrong I agree that astarion’s queerness is erased in certain spaces but that has nothing to do with being attracted to women. my funny hot take is once again that astarion is a he/him evil femme to me so. let’s MOVE.

I received the second one within the first few minutes of the first, and I’m goingggg to proceed on good faith and with the idea that I think we’re all in agreement for the most part, because I think we are. But I’m going to address the most obvious thing that. I don’t really…. think is necessarily the point in this. first of all, I empathize that it suuuucks to not see as many works made for your main pairing of choice (there’s generally a deficit for literally everyone BUT astarion to boot too.) however ultimately fanworks are exactly that: fanworks, and they’re made For Free and posted by a Fan Author who has done this As A Hobby, “a problem nobody is addressing” in this context is……. you are one google doc and keyboard away from writing what you want to see in the world. or, I don’t know. encourage + comment + follow up on fic authors that write what you enjoy. fic is not paid content and the fic authors in bg3 are writing for themselves and what they put out, that they wrote for FREE, is up to them. I once again empathize with not seeing as much of a specific thing as you would like, and I definitely empathize with seeing a popularization of specific characterization that makes you want to scream, cry, throw up, etc. which brings me to what I can actually comment on and critique here. (general note: if you proceed to misread me on the basis of “people can do what they want!!” I assure you. you can do whatever you want forever. I do not care. I am not mad. I am minding my business 90% of the time. do I like domstarion? no. but it is NOT my concern nor my judgement.)

“That reeks of his queerness being erased. There should be a healthy balance of Astarion with different partners, but the “default” in the fandom is always him with a woman.” <- so! now that we have “it’s all for free man idk what you want me to say here” out of the way. we CAN critique something real in this that I do agree with. the sort of…. honestly kind of fascinating (derogatory) trends of what I’ll call Straightifying astarion for lack of a better word.

this brings me to the point I kind of offhandedly made in the previous post, about how there IS nuance to be said on astarion’s queerness getting erased. I do actually agree with you that in some spheres of the bg3 fandom, his queerness has been heavily sanitized and he’s become something of a placeholder for Sexy Vampire Boyfriend romance tropes. he’s mostly there to be a stand-in for a sexy dom vampire man; MANY of his complex character traits that have literally Nothing to do with romance have been basically entirely removed to serve a specific idealized idea of him that suit the scene. it’s frustrating! I find it frustrating. I also agree that within this specific Brand of Mischaracterized Astarion, he’s been so……….. reduced down to this that his more overt queerness is basically entirely removed. however, the issue is not that he’s with a woman in this? the issue is that the writer is not incorporating a sort of.. overarching queer lens, for lack of a better term, to the characterization they’ve got going on. you can write whatever you want forever, but it’s not written in a vacuum, I agree.

Since these are all popular straight romance tropes, he falls directly into the pit of Sexy Man (straight) very quickly, and his attraction toward others (let alone, good god, his complex relationship to sex, sexuality, desire? good fucking luck finding something thoughtful in there about that) tends to fall by the wayside as a result. It is what you would expect but it’s not without room for critique in what I think we’re aligned on; which is seeing astarion’s queerness erased is maddeninggg. And it is EXTREMELY frustrating to see if you’re someone like me, or possibly yourself, who’s into 1. really analyzing characterization and 2. really into exploring queer dynamics in writing + lit + media many different formats. THIS—the sanitization, the removal of astarion’s queerness—this is what is irksome as a queer reader.

however. the issue I’m seeing is that ^^^^^ this brand of mischaracterization is 1. being conflated with simply that he’s with women, and 2. the frustration of having less content (understandable) is turning into a very WEIRD dialogue in which the extreme of “well actually he wouldn’t even want to fuck women!!” is the stance to take (very weird) (kind of misogynistic) (kind of also reeks of continuing to talk about women as sex objects that astarion would not or would want to fuck) (astarion himself doesn’t even want to fuck for about 90% of his romance so maybe we should talk about that too) — rather than that it would be nice if his queerness would be addressed more openly and with more nuance and clarity than it currently is in That Particular Sphere Of Astarion Characterization. and, of course, the idea that it would be nice if he was portrayed with other kinds of partners! which I agree with and equally appreciate.

but there is no default. literally, there’s no default. what you’re seeing is what people are making of their own tavs, and maybe you would like to see more of another kind, but it doesn’t hold up as an actual fandom critique. what holds up is when we dive into how people write him; how do they write his personality, what traits are being exaggerated and what traits are being ignored; IS his queerness remembered within the text at all? and beyond that, how is that queerness treated when it is written? because I’ve seen the other extreme in which it’s The Homophobic Gay Stereotypes That Maybe We All Agreed At One Point Were Equally Offensive To Exaggerate To The Point Of Horror. half the discussion I see AROUND his queerness amounts to “omg he’s such a slutty flamboyant little fag” but in a quirky haha internet way. very “fruity is a nice alternative to saying queer!” “calling a gay guy fruity in the real world will get you punched out.” vibes in here sometimes and it is EQUALLY weird.

anyways. Astarion’s a multifaceted character which means the first thing everyone did was pick one or two traits to exaggerate and cling to and these color the entire reading of his character rather than taking in the whole. i agree that means his queerness got put to the wayside in some formats of him, and that’s deeply unfortunate + very frustrating. but fanfic is free, so I’m not with you that there’s a Problem That Needs Addressing so much as that’s what people are creating, and you should add to what you want to see in the world.

I’m not going to go on a tangent about how “oh let m/f be a thing!!” because I ALSO agree literally no one needs to be told “m/f is okay to do ❤️” we live in the real world here. and it’s really mindboggling how in some iterations he’s been turned into Straightstarion rather than his CANON QUEERNESS being applicable in every format of every relationship dynamic he could ever possibly be in. However. However. the answer to that is not? acting like the baseline attraction to women is the problem. if the way you’re talking about attraction to women feels rooted in upset about not relating to it and feeling like you’re forced to either relate to it or simply not engage, I do Get It, but at the risk of opening up an entirely different can of worms that needs an entirely different essay to address, gay men are not immune to misogyny and if the language used while talking about women is also objectifying or belittling women to some extent or acting as though attraction to women makes his queerness lesser. newsflash. that is still misogyny (and biphobia). it is not about defending straightness here, it’s entirely that reducing women down to sex objects even in the conversations about not seeing women sexually is alive and well (and repulsive), and that’s what I mean when I say I can hear the “lol I don’t fuck WOMEN that’s DISGUSTING” behind some of the other side of the conversation here. also this is an entirely separate essay but queerness will almost never exist in an easily consumable binary and trying to type him by his character traits is also. kind of weird. just as a thing.

#critical / #this feels like such a I will die on any hill. I am going to forget about this now #like again I’m not even disagreeing with some of you but other things in here. it’s a little bit deeper than that #or as deep as fandom discourse is anyways. #now that the high of soap boxing has worn off as I write these tags I’m like good lord. #I will NOT let inanities ruin this game for me. #sorry that’s once again not really directed at you anon but in general #good faith! we keep good faith!

[poppadom0912]

The innocent detective - Part 4

Warnings: Mentions of violence, injuries.

Summary: It's your first week in prison and you already feel on the verge of death.

A/N: Posting this today because I'm too deep in my Jay Halstead feels and writing is my coping mechanism. Please enjoy and lets try not to cry while we grieve.

Previous Chapter / Series Masterlist / Next Chapter

*****

You knew what to expect going into jail. Not only had you heard stories but you'd been told several times what happened to anyone related to the police once they got in.

It didn't help that you'd been a police officer and then detective for so long that your name had gotten around. Even without hearing your name, the women you passed by easily recognised you, practically smelling the police off you.

So, when you were suddenly ambushed, being beaten by women who you either put away or someone in your unit did, you weren't completely surprised.

You did your best to defend yourself but you were more than outnumbered and it wasn't before long that you were struggling on the floor. You didn't try begging, you didn't scream for help but you did try to fend for yourself.

Eventually, the guards came and pushed everyone off you, helping you up and whispering in your ear that you were being taken to protective custody where life was supposedly going to be better, easier and safer for you.

The first aid you was given was pathetic. Doctor or not, anyone could've done a better job. The open wounds were still oozing with blood, a few gashes still pulsating and you definitely had a concussion but the first aider simply pushed you away, claiming he was done and you could be taken away.

It was the second or third day of being in prison, you lost track because of your poor attempt of keeping a sleeping pattern but you had a visitor. Rudely being woken up, you limped in between the guards as they walked you to the room with phones, chairs and a glass to separate you from the outside world.

Entering the room, you took notice of not only the increased heat but a familiar man sitting by himself. His eyes sweeping across the room, abruptly stopping when they landed on you.

Sitting up in the chair, Jay clenched his jaw and followed your slow movements, waiting for you to get somewhat comfortable in the chair before grabbing the phone and talking into it.

His eyes remained solely on your face, inspecting the bruises and scars that spread to your arms which he could only see because your jumpsuit was short sleeved. By the looks of what he could see, your body must be littered in bruises and cuts.

While Jay was angry, he was also relieved to see you. It had been two days since your sentencing and he'd been restless, having not seen you and not being able to talk to you on said day.

"Hi." You whispered, your voice a little hoarse from not speaking for what felt like ages. Seeing Jay brought you so much joy that your eyes started to water but you blinked it all back, forcing yourself not to break down.

"Hey." Jay reciprocated your smile but his was stiff, almost as though it was forced but he was struggling with all of the sudden emotions he was facing.

"How are you?" You asked, taking note of the dark circles under his eyes. He obviously hadn't been sleeping and the only reason for that could be you.

"I'm managing." Jay very subtly lied. The past two days had been torture. One, you'd been taken away from him. Two, IRT was still doing their due diligence and making sure the rest of intelligence was clean and didn't lift a single finger in the murders you commited.

You smiled, grimacing at the pain when your lip burned because of the cut you had; you forgot that was there.

"And you?" Jay asked, gauging your painful reaction. What he would do just to hold your hand, bring you some comfort in a place that was void of anything remotely nice.

"It sucks." You said truthfully, finding it useless to lie. "I've been jumped, the food sucks and they seem to hate periods."

You tried smiling it off, hating how serious this conversation was when you were given a warning by one of the guards, you had around five minutes left of the visit before you had to go.

"I love you." You whispered into the phone, refusing to break eye contact with your boyfriend. Most police that went to jail usually never made it out alive and if that was true, you never knew when the last time you saw Jay would be.

Today could easily be the last time you saw him and even if you couldn't touch him, you could let him know how much you loved him.

"I love you so much." You bitterly smiled, biting your lip in attempt to keep in all the bubbling tears trying to surface.

Jay took in a deep breath. It dawned on him what you were doing and he hated every single bit of it. For your sake though, he'd do what was best. "I love you too."

"Let everyone know I miss them and that I love them as well." You licked your dry lips, your hand shaking when you saw the guards moving towards you in the corner of your eye.

"I'll see you soon." Jay promised, not tearing his eyes away from you even while you were escorted back into your cold cell.

Jay would see you soon because over his dead body would you not come back home.

Series Taglist:

@samanthavitale

@lovearynacemn

@itsdesiree86

@sorry-i-spaced

@enchantedblackrose

@mads-weasleyy

#one chicago fic #one chicago imagine #one chicago fanfiction #one chicago x reader #jay halstead x reader #chicago pd x reader #jay halstead #jay halstead fic #jay halstead fanfiction #jay halstead imagine #chicago pd #jay halstead x y/n #jay halstead x you #jay halstead x imagine

[actualbird]

is the mattress on the floor so bad tho 😭😭 i grew up just having it on the floor. still do because i move around a lot and have fallen off the bed so often i would probably break my neck and die if the mattress was higher than like a foot (....lukes previous bed was kind of cute tho maybe i just have bad taste 😔)

irt luke and mc's bed on the floor in their anniv 3 home

anon im so sorry in advanced because the response im about to type is probably way too much infodumping than you were expecting but, just to preface all of this, nah having a mattress on the floor Is Not Necessarily Bad and especially in cases like urs where falling off is a risk, having it on the floor is a great workaround!!!

that being said.........There Are Some Cons To Having a Mattress On The Floor :(

note that i said "mattress" specifically because thats honestly where the problem comes in, because there are many other different types of sleeping materials that can (and should!) be put on the floor for a floor sleeping arrangement, but mattresses Specifically (and uhh just to be clear, definition of mattress for this post is a bed/bed portion created with Fabric and filled with some kind of firm material as the guts) but like NOT TO SAY THAT IT'S THE WORST THING EVER LIKE full disclosure a good 65% of why i rag on luke having a palette bedframe (and later on just having it on the FLOOR) is cuz sometimes it just heals my heart to make fun of my fave. it's like how i'll always slander his blocky xmas partyland event sweater even if at this point he's definitely worn Worse Sweaters (like his mr butterfly kisses cards sweater....what WAS that) but making fun of the blocky xmas partyland sweater is just so much fun now that i cant let go of it

but in addition to "making fun of my baby beloved loserboy luke pearce is fun", i also have a One Subjective Reason for being averse to beds on the floor + Two Objective Reasons + just to round it out, a bunch of Good Ways To Have A Floor Sleeping Arrangement

Subjective Reason On Why Luke Floor Bed Irks Me: doesnt maximize storage space

so this is subjective, it's wholly just something i think personally. but man not having a bedframe is nerfing one's self at a whole bunch of storage space!!!

in small spaces especially!! in smaller living spaces, maximizing space Vertically (shelves, bunk beds, raised types of structures, loft designs, etc) is a much more efficient way to go about making more space into Usable Space. and luke's original home, the third floor above his antique shop, is pretty cramped. the kitchen is right next to his bed and hes got a bunch of objects just strewn around on the floor and god god i wanna clean his room so bad because LUKE. WE CAN FIX THIS. THINGS DONT HAVE TO BE ON THE FLOOR AS A POTENTIAL TRIPPING HAZARD, BUT IF THE REASON THEYRE THERE IS CUZ OF A LACK OF STORAGE SPACE IVE GOT A SURPRISE FOR U........BEDFRAME! which leads to space Under the bed to use for storage or whatnot

Objective Reasons On Why Luke Floor Bed Irks Me:

can leave u more susceptible to dust (bcuz ur closer to the floor, where dust gets) and thus activate allergies. this can be avoided by regular cleaning of course but just be careful cuz yknow when u sweep the floor around bed, clean the bed right after too cuz who knows how much dust or whatnot had gotten stirred up and landed on the bed. n

i live in the philippines and the weather is often very humid and wet here and if where you are is also very humid then BEWARE BEWARE BED ON FLOOR MIGHT GET MOLD. mattresses are big chunks of usually absorbent material and if it's on the floor it is Not getting as ventilated as a bed on a bedframe (since air can pass under and around it easier) and if ur not checking ur mattress regularly, funky stuff can grow compleyely unbeknownst to u.

But There Are Obviously Good And Great Floor Sleeping Arrangements

im no bed expert or whatever but based on my general knowledge and experience, what makes Mattresses not suited for the floor is the fact that theyre Chunks, and Chunks tend to absorb things around it and keep it inside to create all sorts of problems and evils. to battle that, Chunks generally should be elevated via bedframe just so they have more surface area to breathe instead of absorb.

so Chunks dont do great directly on the floor. but yknow what does? MATS!!!!! FLAT PLANES!!!!! examples!! banig (philippines), tatami (japan), and probably MANY MORE BUT THESE R THE ONLY TWO I CAN REMEMBER AT 5AM WHEN IM WRITING THIS RESPONSE

these r not Chunks these are Planes and also by virtue of being made from Dried Materials (palm leaves, rice straw, etc) and also built for asian climates (tend to be humid and wet for significant portions of time) theyre less likely to absorb and create problems. obviously theres still Upkeep and Cleaning involved but in general, yknow, still better

tldr: modern mattresses are not engineered for a bunch of the problems that the floor can pose. Mats Were Made For The FLoor so theyre Built To Withstand General Floor Problems. of course, every person will have different sleeping needs and sleeping problems to solve, so there is No Single Correct Way To Be Doing This, it depends on u and ur lifestyle and sleep-style. but also i just want luke to maximize his living space. let me in there i gotta clean his room plEASE PLEASE

again, im sorry for this response. u unknowingly activated a portion of my brain that has too much passionate knowledge on the mundane

#but yeah luke and mc shld be fine with their floor bed provided stellis' weather doesnt give em problems but god what IS stellis' weather- #and thats a whole other ask response entirely and i think i shld stop and have a coffee first #asks #anon

[voiceofsword]

sry to bitch in your inbox abt this but im so glad you pointed out how so many modern enstarries Dont read the stories and base everything off fandom perception.. i saw these users joking about which character would say slurs and someone was ADAMANT rinne would and tho i knew it before it Really struck me then

a) none of them have ever engaged with this text in any meaningful way, ESPECIALLY not the first games' stories, because surprise! characters in es! did Canonically use slurs! and back then Nobody Liked It. we didnt joke about it. most people i know completely stopped paying attention to the characters who did until they apologized. (tho ofc its more a problem w the writing than the characters, but still. we were young. we had the spirit.)

b) people really like using rinne as a punching bag because they dont read the stories and know literally nothing about him except funny drunk drugs gamble man "fuckboy" who harasses niki and the other bees and its. infuriating.

i dont understand how anyone can claim to like a media without ever properly engaging with it, i dont understand how people have fun misunderstanding characters so drastically, and i also think joking about slurs has gotten wayyy too normalized where people feel comfortable saying these things about these characters they allegedly like. and characters like rinne (with a constructed mask of obnoxiousness and such) are the perfect target for these people. which SUCKS. all of it sucks.

NEVER BE SORRY!!!! i hope this is alright to post i thought your ask was good and insightful and i'll add onto it a little bit with my own thoughts (heart emoji)

yeah um ! was definitely a ride. i wouldnt recommend it to everyone but at least we have hindsight and things like slurs and general offensive terms/behaviors can be warned for, so that much is nice. i remember being really upset about a few of these, and then getting back into enstars earlier this year and reading a few of the more current stories + !! stories i was happy to see that the writing has developed CONSIDERABLY in terms of this especially after beasts. something ive noticed a lot of newer fans do (referencing my previous post irt the feeling morally superior) is that if you like a specific character for whatever reason youre actually a horrible person because that character said something awful once. of course youre allowed to dislike characters for whatever reason but dont tell other people they should perish because they like them (as if liking them means you implicitly agree with said views, more often than not One line in a miriad of stories that you might not even have read). but like you said, characters making ignorant comments (an unfortunate occurrence, although rare, it still happens) is not a reflection of 2d pixels on a screen but rather a team of writers..... idk. its a complicated situation. i see both sides and i think people are justified in liking or disliking but this is a game about idol boys (and girl) got dam

yeah i hate how people treat rinne a lot. like because characters like him and eichi are villains that means everything that they do or say is, at worst, a straight, physical threat to everyone around them, or at best, an annoyance that can make the fandom feel justified in making them the butt of reoccurring jokes. idk what else to say about him that i havent said already but its also 3 am now and i SAID i was gonna go to sleep an hour ago but i think i might just be a filthy liar

ALSO its probably because enstars is long, there's a lot to read and although tl's arent necessarily hard to come by you actively have to seek them out. again i understand how this might be a nuisance but instead of sitting down and listening to summaries or analysis ive noticed that a lot of short form consumption content lends itself to people just. posting the most reactive interpretations, and people playing a game of telephone with said information until a lot of the fandom has come to accept this misinformation as true. LIKE SOMEONE ON TIKTOK SAYING HAJIME AND WATARU WERE RELATED? IDEK IF THAT WAS A JOKE OR NOT? and yeah the use of slurs is like ridiculously normalized now im not one to say whether people can or cannot reclaim slurs and people are free to do as they like if they can. i see this one thing specifically with tatsumi a lot where people jokingly bring up how said character is homophobic or make homophobic comments towards characters even if theyre being like. excited or happy. and idk. personally it makes me sad. like maybe its fandom culture now maybe im old (is 23)

WHY WOULD RINNE SAY SLURS HES LITERALLY GAY AND IN LOVE....COME AWN NOW

#i prommy i will stop putting walls of text on everyones dashboards soon and ill get to actually posting drawings and reblogs...maybe #im not posting this one under a readmore bc i dont think. its That long in comparison to my other posts? #but if it is i might add it retroactively? can i even do that #we'll see i guess LMAO #mimthinks

[yj-98]

irt previous post also ik its silly bc like. <- guy who draws mostly portraiture (which is fun to me. i like drawing portraits) so where am i gonna be fitting in stuff that has meaning or whatever . again its all arbitrary shit my brain comes up with.😭

#its like . id love to do More than portraits. id love to do big involved pieces and comics and stuff . throw in some imagery and allegories #but girl that is more brainpower than my poor head has ever been able to put together coherently more than once in a blue moon

[addictiedtocrimedrama]

Just like my previous post/poll this is for a kahoot I'm making which is about CMBB. Just for a little bit of context below the cut is info about each character in the poll and which eps they appeared also please note I got the info from Wikipedia.

David Rossi - Rossi appeared in the first episode of season one "The Harmful One". In the opening scene of the episode, Rossi is at the FBI firing range with Jack Garrett. He later reappeared in the season two episode "Il Mostro", in which he aided the IRT while they were on a case in Florence, Italy.

Penelope Garcia - Garcia appeared in the third episode of season one "Denial". In the opening scene of the episode, Garcia is looking for her octopus coffee mug that Russ Montgomery took. She later returned in the season two premiere "Lost Souls", in which she helped Monty track down victims' families while the IRT were investigating a mass abduction in Tanzania.

Emily Prentiss - Prentiss appeared in the season two episode "Type A", in which she aided the IRT track down an unsub active in New York City and Taiwan.

Mateo "Matt" Cruz - Cruz appeared in the season two episode "La Huesuda", in which he called Jack regarding information about his son, Ryan.

Related Posts:

Who is your favorite CMBB character (main character ver.)

Who's your favorite UnSub from CMBB (season 1 ver.)

Who's your favorite UnSub from CMBB (season 2 ver.)

Who's your favorite CMBB character (minor/recurring characters ver.)

#criminal minds beyond borders #criminal minds #criminal minds evolution #emily prentiss #david rossi #penelope garcia #mateo cruz #tumblr polls #kahoot

[insecateur]

just a post of thoughts and headcanons about lysandre's team bc i've been thinking about that and now when i think about stuff i'm like "oh i can post about it on tumblr dot com"

lysandre's team is by and large royalty-themed which makes sense of course! no particular order to tackle them in just vibing

pyroar is the pokémon usually associated with lysandre in official merch and the likes. his hair was definitely styled to be reminiscent of a mane. the imagery is straightforward: lions are associated with kings. there's the whole "king of the jungle" thing ofc but also lions are associated with english royalty in particular. the lion association is probably also what influenced him having a 4:1 female/male ratio of scientists.

i tend to write litleo as being lysandre's first pokémon, given to him as a child as a family tradition. this would be how malva got hers as well.

the nickname "Orléans" probably doesn't require much of an explanation; it's a name associated with the french royal family. if you want bonus lore about it though, i actually partially stole it from a movie called Marquis which is about a talking dick and involves terrifying puppets, one of which is a lion named Orléans. i have not seen the movie.

gyarados is lysandre's mega-evolved pokémon. i find this fact fascinating for many reasons, some i will explain shortly. magikarp's japanese name is koiking and its design is definitely kingly. interestingly, it mostly loses these attributes upon evolving, which might make it seem like an odd choice for a royalty-themed team. i have shared some of my thoughts about lysandre's gyarados in a previous post, but i will touch on a point i haven't discussed yet (here at least. i've talked about it a bit on twitter.)

even disregarding shipping opinions, it's plain as day that lysandre and sycamore were created as counterparts. thematically, they are linked respectively to death, despair, pessimism, destruction, the color red (yveltal) and life, hope, optimism, creation, the color blue (xerneas.) imo the fact that lysandre's key pokémon is blue and associated with the opposite type to his other main pokémon (water vs fire) isn't a coincidence. we can only speculate what it means, i suppose, but i find it very interesting.

i tend to write magikarp as being lysandre's second pokémon, usually because his litleo caught one and lysandre rescued him as a result. (him having a cat and a fish is also kind of funny...)

the nickname "Charlemagne" probably doesn't merit an explanation either. he's a frank king. it's a long name, which fits a long pokémon.

mienfoo/mienshao is an ermine, which are linked to royalty because of the fur, mostly, although it also relates to heraldry. it's definitely lysandre's most underrated pokémon imo.

i haven't actually written about how lysandre and mienfoo met much! i tend to see him as being his most recent pokémon. rescued by sycamore and kept at the lab, he takes an interest in lysandre. maybe i'll write about it in more details someday.

the nickname "Pyrrhus" comes from King Pyrrhus of Epirus from which comes the term "pyrrhic victory." it also means "red-haired" so there's that. i don't think either of those require much elaboration.

it's not the first instance of murkrow/honchkrow being linked to a team leader, and it's pretty unsurprising, considering honchkrow's whole deal is being at the head of a murkrow gang. in french its name even contains the word "boss" (and in english, of course, there’s “honcho” in there as well.)

the link with royalty isn't as straightforward at first, but my personal theory is that it relates to Odin and his crows. there are a lot of references to norse mythology in pokémon xy, most notably irt the legendary trio, so it doesn't seem that far-fetched. Odin is tied to death, war, and royalty (among other things.)

i also have never written about lysandre meeting his murkrow. i like to think they ran into each other in some of his later travels, maybe before he met sycamore in lumiose.

the nickname "Léon" doesn't actually have any interesting story behind it! obviously it relates to lions, but i was actually thinking of the fact that in french people say that a peacock's cry sounds like "Léon"... how this relates to murkrow/honchkrow, don't ask me, but it stuck.

that's most of what i had to say on this subject, heehoo. i'll leave you with this old drawing.

#samthoughts #i don't know who these posts are for but i'm having fun writing them and that's what matters to me rn ngl

[neganium]

1 and 7 for the ask meme 👀

Hrmmmm. If I answer the first one, nobody would know what the hell I was talking about, anyways... But uh. I have a good one, I think; particularly bc this apparently became canon in an even more obscure sequel series to Kaitou Joker, Kaitou Shounen Jokers (Kaitou Boy Jokers); it's a nextgen story, so right off the bat we're in dangerous territory of potentially ruinous proportions. These kinds of things are always very hit or miss. The biggest issue I have with it, though (other than characters from the previous series barely making cameos at all, in spite of presumably being at least tangentially relevant to the plot as legacy characters, and one of my absolute favorites apparently not appearing at all, even so much as a mention as far as I am aware), is that to facilitate the existence of who is basically the main character, i.e. the previous titular character's son, they paired said character off with a a girl who is basically his sister in the original narrative. 😬

Like, they are not blood relatives (as far as is told, which, the manga in particular isn't really heavy on details bc the author wrote it by the seat of his ass nearly the entire decade-long run, barring a couple of exceptions; really the anime is a lot better irt a cohesive storyline), but like... I remember reading somewhere (and this is hearsay, so like... idk man, it's apocryphal at best but) that the author himself once described them as being like brother and sister, as opposed to a romantic relationship. And then he went and shoved them together for some kind of comphet nonsense, even tho there were at least a few other characters he could have potentially paired off with him if the comphet bullshit was really mandatory (including one that old posts in the tag speculated was the most likely suspect before the series properly released, but instead got paired with a character who is like 8 in the main series when she herself is clearly closer to Joker's- the main character's- age, which isn't clearly defined but is estimated to be somewhere in his early to mid-teens due to a comment by the author; bc Bee Puns, ig); but no, set him up with his own goddamn sister, why don't you. Fucking nasty asses.

As for seven, ah... maybe?? I have a lot of issues with Astro Boy nowadays. I don't outright hate it, tho, I don't think. Then there is uh, Roppu-kun? I barely know anything about that one, but it was kind of soured for me after a random falling out with the one other person I knew who also liked it (at the time, anyways; I suspect they were being petty about smth I said to them in private, about how they were behaving publically- as in, I got blocked, and it took me a few days to realize it LMAO). Pretty neutral towards it now, tho.

Honestly after learning something about my more recent obsession, Kaitou Joker (or more like, confirmation about something I was beginning to suspect/dread; went into that a bit on the catchall sideblog iirc), it came dangerously close to killing that for me. It still has the power, actually, if I think about it too much... Shit's already pretty tainted, after learning about what just the fans liked to do to these characters. Yick.

If I am not entirely coherent rn, it's bc I'm pretty seriously sleep-deprived and therefore having a hard time keeping my run-on sentences in check. Apologies.

#nobody else I'm friends with proper outside of the one server gives a shit about KJ or my salt irt it #but damn if that'll stop me from word vomiting about it‚ I suppose

[areyouafraid]

trump opinions

i have a lot of complicated feelings abt donald trump for one he is an objectively evil man and i want to make my stance clear on him first and foremost hes a racist, xenophobic, imperialist, capitalist pedophile & serial rapist; i am NOT a centrist i dont want anyone walking away from this post taking away anything irt my feelings on him besides that i think time in alcatraz would be too lenient a punishment for him i think he needs to be slathered in peanut butter and thrown in a ring full of starving dogs and the footage of him being literally torn limb from limb broadcast on national tv, i think what he did to those girls on little saint james is enough to warrant him being executed by firing squad and knowing that they saw him not only getting away scot free but also being president of the fucking united states in spite of it because hes rich and white makes me hope he gets an inoperable cancer in his brain.

i think the fact that he was elected in and of itself, the fact that the electoral college (infernal invention to begin with) overrode a majority vote in front of the entire country in favor of literally one of the most hated men in modern times, should have pushed democrats way left but that would have required them challenging their beliefs about america. also the average us president is a racist, xenophobic, imperialist, capitalist pedophile & serial rapist and literally the only difference between trump and any of the other fucking american figureheads is his willingness to voice his opinions. it pisses me off that trump has become a sort of boogeyman not because he isnt evil but because hes like almost this cartoonish caricature of american policy that democrats now have someone to posit as the Big Bad and make their own incredibly racist capitalist warlords look "morally upstanding" in comparison, the fact that im still seeing people insist you vote for biden makes me want to scrape my face off on the tar. it doesnt matter to them that biden's politics are not meaningfully different from trump's, it doesnt matter that obama's presidency (under which biden was VP) laid the groundwork for trump's aggressive and bloody immigration policies and that obama and previous presidents are responsible for not codifying the laws that the trump administration would later overturn, it doesnt matter that biden is actively funding an alt-right ethnostate's imperial crusade and genocide of the indigenous people of the levant, it doesnt matter that biden has his own library of sexual abuse allegations under his belt and that he was a segregationist in recent memory. because democrats are not leftists, they dont give a fuck about progress, they care about saving face for the state, their modus operandi is dodging threats to the status quo and maintaining enough plausible deniability that any american president can be falsely posited as the face of empowerment and social progress while ordering drone strikes and maintaining military bases in overseas countries. biden smiles for the camera and shakes hands the way hes supposed to its all a fucking puppet show and no one gives a fuck as long as they feel like the peace is being kept. got away from me a little bit here but like i feel like donald trump's election peeled the facade back on what a fucking evil and rotten country america is and maybe thats part of the reason he's become this mythical figure to democrats despite not really being meaningfully different from any other president in terms of his beliefs and policies

again it lkinda got away from trump for a second but his cult following is another thing. like yes trump is in his own right a cult leader but it's like... he's not a bill gothard. he's not a joseph smith. he's not a jim jones. because donald trump is a very obviously unintelligent man and hes also either senile or the years of cocaine use and medical cocktails have fucked up his brain to the point of being barely functional. and i mean its not like there havent been cult leaders or fundamentalist juggernauts that were incredibly stupid or insane. look at mark driscoll or kenneth copeland or fuck honestly even people like charles manson or roch theriault. but trump lacks charm. do you know what i mean? he lacks grace or prose. hes not well spoken he can barely string together a fucking coherent sentence. i believe the only reason hes gained the following he has is because of the power afforded to men like him by our society. i mean fuck even elon musk has a similar thing going on despite the fact he is also observably unintelligent and has an incredibly unlikeable personality. donald trump grew like a weed out of the poison soil of reagan-era economics and we all know money is power in america. honestly i cant even believe he was able to like, apply to run for president. there's not a point where you're like, considered psychologically unfit to hold a position of power? can literally anyone be president? can i be president? fucks sake didnt jim bob duggar run for president... what a fucking nightmare

#my posts #donald trump

[embracesufferdestroy]

Journal

Irt the tags on my previous post: I have always struggled with reality/memory issues, of course. A lot of the time, especially when I was younger, like maybe 11 or so, I had this very strong feeling that I was lying about or exaggerating the things that were happening to me. I wasn't sure how to convey my feelings to my parents, so I basically just said something to the effect of "I'm a liar. I think I'm lying to you." And man, they held onto that for years. Any time I had a concern they would just tell me I was lying because I "admitted" to it.

Years later I was in a psych ward at 15. I had a complete nervous breakdown. I couldn't handle the stress of my own traumas, school, or what was going on in my head. When I was in there they threw the DSM-5 at me, diagnosed me with everything from bipolar to depression with psychotic tendencies to anxiety/general nervousness. They had me on 3, 4, 5, I can't even remember how many medications. It completely screwed with me, and I'm convinced that all that medicine permanently fucked up my brain chemistry in some way.

I don't remember much of my time there, but I did learn in my 20s that particular ward was shut down due to malpractice, which didn't surprise me. They were overloaded with patients, all the children were mistreated. They were over sedating 5 and 6 year olds. The youngest boy there was 3. They would keep the patients, children, away from their parents by moving them throughout different facilities without their knowledge. The final thing that got them investigated and shut down, I don't even really feel comfortable saying. I just feel really bad for the poor girl, and I think about her so very often. The nurses were straight bullies and my therapist, she did not like me. Whenever I couldn't speak, which I'm now assuming Alice was fronting back then (makes sense - that place was awful, triggering, and stressful) she would get mad at me and say I was being uncooperative & that if I couldn't share my traumas I didn't deserve to be there. If my stories or memories or feelings ever changed, she would call me a liar and accuse me of making things up again.

All that is to say at 15, I was called a liar again & a therapist reinforced this with my parents, which made me feel utterly helpless. I was somehow a liar, yet I was forced to be on several medications and had a litany of possible diagnoses. I felt like I went more nuts in there than when I went in. Afterward my parents made a point to make me feel guilty about ever needing to be there in the first place. Despite knowing everything I went through as a child, they didn't think I needed therapy at all and that I was making all my symptoms up. They completely took me off of everything cold turkey when I was 17, claimed I didn't need it. That sent me on a downward spiral that took a while to recover from. My parents took a lot of missteps when it came to dealing with my issues, and while I don't hate them for it now, I have never forgiven them.

I hated my parents a lot during this time in my life, I felt that they didn't care about me, and sometimes I still think they don't care. I have a better relationship with them now, and I am pretty close with my dad. I just don't think they understood me or knew what to do with me. It was much easier to declare I was some kind of attention hungry hypochondriac than to come face to face with the fact that I was screwed up, and that they screwed up by putting me in that ward in the first place

I also feel the need to clarify that my bio parents are divorced. My mom, the one I was raised with up until I was about 11, was the one that caused all my trauma. I haven't spoken to her in years. My parents, on the other hand, are my dad and stepmom. They are better people, and not malignantly abusive, but due to a lot of circumstances they were just kinda neglectful. The only reason I went into therapy in the first place is because I had a panic attack so bad in the gym I actually passed out & ended up at the hospital. I hate hospitals.

#journal #hospital tw #psych ward tw #child abuse tw #vent post #kinda #i dont feel any particular way about these events anymore #but i do find myself reciting them often for some reason

[livvyofthelake]

posting this for @juliechu but anyone interested in reading the bane chronicles (of shadowhunter fame <3) can take my recommendations and opinions as well xoxo

right so we know it’s a collection of 11 stories centered on magnus and his life and backstory etc, but the thing is that some of them really only exist to set up other pieces of the greater shadowhunter universe, which isn’t the vibe if you only watched the show and don’t plan to get involved beyond that (which u shouldn’t i can’t stress that enough). so i’ll just give a basic rundown of each story and you can skip ones that are more superfan-service-y

(disclaimer that i first read all this at age 13 and all of my opinions should be taken with that in mind. if i call something “good” that ends up not being good that’s because i was brainwashed in seventh grade to like cassandra clare’s writing ok luv n light)

what really happened in peru- this one is fun, it takes place across the 18th-19th centuries and gives a lot of insight into magnus’s friendships with catarina and ragnor which is great! 9/10, does not contain alec lightwood 💔

the runaway queen- personally i always found this one forgettable, it’s about like him meeting marie antoinette? 6/10, probably no shadowhunter chronicles lore required, but just like, weaker as a story ig. or maybe not idk i read this when i was 13

vampires, scones, and edmund herondale- this one immediately does require some level of investment in will herondale’s backstory (main character in the infernal devices). but other than that i think it’s pretty good, edmund is a fun guy, it’s magnus in victorian england, camille is there (i know she’s super annoying in the show but in the books she’s a bit more interesting and imo so much more tolerable, so this isn’t a downside). 6/10 again this one was never incredibly memorable to me i can barely recall the plot but still worth a read, for magnus <3

the midnight heir- again, it does immediately require some level of investment in will herondale and his and tessa’s tragic offspring (main characters of the last hours). but unlike the previous one you don’t really need the investment in backstory, because this is less of an explainer for things mentioned in the books (like the peru story or edmund herondale) and more of a setup for the last hours and james herondale first meeting magnus. it’s nice but again, without the investment in the characters being introduced it doesn’t pack a ton of punch yk? uhhh 7.5/10 still worth a read for magnus

the rise of the hotel dumort- literally just magnus during the 1929 stock market crash and also vampires

saving raphael santiago- basically required reading as far as i’m concerned idk how people walk around liking raphael and magnus not having read this <3 no need to describe the plot it’s all in the title 10/10

the fall of the hotel dumort- vampires having scandalous affairs with cocaine, 10/10. again camille is a big player in this one so if that’s a deterrent it may not be as enjoyable but honestly it’s still worth a read

what to buy the shadowhunter who has everything- again, required reading basically. it has everything: alec’s birthday, izzy and magnus being friends, a random funny demon… 10/10 a total winner! i will say tho the events of the books vs the events of the show do not line up very well esp irt magnus and alec’s relationship, so it could be slightly confusing but not so much so that it detracts from all the good stuff (i could go into heavy detail about how the show and the books differ with them but i won’t because i’m practicing restraint rn)

the last stand of the new york institute- this one is a game changer… it’s magnus during the time of the circle, so he’s interacting with clary and jace and the lightwood’s parents when they were their age… incredible 10/10 maybe that’s generous idc

the course of true love (and first dates)- another alec one <333 basically it’s all in the title, a definite must read!!

the voicemail of magnus bane- this one is like a fun little bonus story, BUT it could be spoilery. i honestly do not remember if redacted happens in the show (my memory of the show fully cuts off after the first half of season 3 idk why like i did watch it but. i might as well not have) so maybe you don’t even need to worry about it but if you really are dedicated to avoiding spoilers, and it seems like you are, i’d skip it for now

#sorry everyone for how long this is but you have to understand this stupid multiverse book series means so much to me #and yes. it IS embarrassing #beth.txt #tsc

[isaacsapphire]

The article about this incident everyone is arguing about is paywalled. Can you summarize or drop a pastebin or something? Thank you.

Whoops, you can tell I'm not a local because I didn't realize that was paywalled.

As best I can tell, in 2019 there was a MIRI reunion event at a retreat center called Camp Meeker in Westminster Woods in Somona. While people were still setting up for the reunion, before everyone had arrived, four to five people in black robes and Guy Fawkes masks were handing out flyers and acting in ways understood as threatening, including possibly blocking the exits with multiple large vehicles. At some point someone said there was a gun, but no gun was found. The police responded with a large amount of equipment, including a helicopter and a bearcat, arrested the berobed folks at gunpoint after they ignored police instructions, and evacuated a large number of people. An 8th grade school field trip unrelated to CFAR was affected by this incident as they were at the ropes course when the incident started. Part of the highway was shut down for several hours. The protestors refused to identify themselves to the police and were apparently identified by fingerprints.

For those unfamiliar with incarnation, they strip search you and generally check your nether orifices for contraband as a safety precaution (you'd be surprised what can be stuffed up there), so I'm guessing that's what the protester was referring to irt the whole, "You are complicit in my future sexual assault" thing. I think that some or all of the protestors are trans, so that probably didn't improve their anticipated incarceration experience, as prison is gender segregated and hence based on gendering prisoners, which can be an additional unpleasantness if you are ambiguously gendered or have a different legal gender than felt gender.

I'm going to post a link to all the different news stories on the event in hopes that some of them aren't paywalled. First one. Second one. This one focuses on the experience of the 8th grade field trip that was affected. This one details how much hardware the cops deployed. Mandatory Wikipedia article. Contemporary r/lesswrong post. And here's a contemporary tumblr post. Another news article. Short news article. Timeline wiki for CFAR that mentions both the incident under discussion and some previous drama.

Several links have further links, or information that will probably generate more details from searching.

#miri #cfar #less wrong #build god then we'll talk #oh geez i can tag asks now

[emeraldskulblaka]

Regarding the whole Robert Hallow and the Holy Men incident: I have received a number of asks from anons attempting to explain what happened. I decided to publish them under a “read more” to avoid clogging up people’s dashes.

tl;dr: I feel like everyone overreacted. The whole situation hasn’t been handled sensibly and I can only repeat what I’ve said before: set and respect boundaries, especially when it comes to celebrities of any kind.

Make sure to check the reblog(s) for more, and do not send me any more asks concerning this whole issue. I'm not part of any Discord group and didn't ask to be involved in any of this.

The post responsible for my involvement (check notes) x

Previous asks: x x x

Ask #1

The tad/rhathm discords dont have the exact same mods but theyre all part of the mod/inner circle clique on the tad server and are 'high up' in their social circles. I've seen several occasions where they've pressured others not in the clique to delete tweets @'ing the band in incredibly innocuous things and actively discouraging people tweeting asking abt Ruin in the name of "joey has anxiety" "dont pressure the band" "respect what you get from them". And yet they were deep in Robert's dm's the whole time 🧐 and follow anyone related to the band on ig including Joey's sister?? I honestly can't say I'm surprised it came to this because they clearly thought they were exempt from whatever boundaries they over-enforced with everyone else irt communicating with the band and its members and got upset when those boundaries got put back in place. (Sorry for the rant lol it all just seems so shady).

Ah, thank you for the clarification regarding the mods! While I don’t think following people on Insta is inherently bad, it’s important to respect rules you expect others to follow as well, no double standards. And in general, artists need to know how to deal with pressure from fans. Obviously, fans should respect boundaries, but a certain degree of professionalism can and must be expected (especially from Joey, who is the biggest “celebrity” of all of them. So yes, don’t bully people, guys, and don’t talk over them.

Ask #2

Re -RH the mods for the Discords aren't the same [I am in both].

Re - the TAD discord 'gaslighting' a small number of fans were told off for trying to dm the band directly when changes were made on the discord -

The change was removing a cursed channel that made people uncomfortable

A group then kicked off that it wasn't fair they couldn't post what they wanted and the word gaslighting was thrown around.

I dont participate in either because of all this mess

Gaslighting seems to be people’s favourite word atm even though nobody knows what it actually means -.- yeah, it’s a mess.

Ask #3

I was in the rhathm server and what happened was at some point someone came to the mods with accusations of gaslighting and manipulation and abuse. The mods decided they were uncomfortable with him being there and kicked him out and decided to close the server. They put up a message (which he couldn’t see, he was gone by then) saying they were closing the server and said they wouldn’t give details on what happened based on respect for the victim and the victim’s safety. Then Robert posted the crying video. And then he posted another video where he publicly outed the full first and last name of the victim who was trying to remain anonymous. Which was taken down by instagram pretty quick because a bunch of people reported it because of that. Which is when he made the “my side of the story” post. An artist then came to forward in the discord with stuff about him taking advantage of and not paying artists the way he should. There wasn’t really hate in his insta comments and he didn’t have access to anything in the discord since before the message that it was closing went out. There wasn’t any hate for him before either, everyone in the discord loved him. So i don’t know if there was a lot of hate in his insta dms or something but probably not? I don’t know where he was seeing all the hate he talked about. No one was telling him to delete everything or to stop making music or stopping anyone from making another discord. He just went and deleted everything of his own accord. This was just the discord closing and he blew everything way out proportion imo. And yeah it does look kind of bad from outside the server because all anyone else has seen is that everything is deleted and maybe what Robert said about his side of the story and him crying. But unless the victim herself decides to come forward and publicly tell her side of the story, which she shouldn’t be forced to do, then that’s all there is really is for the moment. (he does have someone there with him btw, his fiancee, so he’s not alone if you’re concerned for him)

Oh damn, they really did overreact, huh? I wasn’t aware of the video in which they outed that person, but that’s horrible and extremely unprofessional. I didn’t see hate geared towards them anywhere either, that’s why I was so confused yesterday afternoon - it all seemed to come out of nowhere. So thank you for the input - I have no clue about anything, so I’ll leave it at that. And yeah, I noticed another person present in one of their Insta videos, so I wasn’t overly concerned ;)

#robert hallow and the holy men #please don't send me any more asks about this #important: opinions expressed in asks and replies are not my own #I'm not judging anyone because I don't know how much of this is true #please figure it out without me #no idea why people thought it would be great to use me as a platform

[cloudmancy]

the thing about the callout post is that while I do agree that the account has made mistakes and could do better in owning up to their mistakes, I don’t think it was actually deserved to post a whole callout post to blast them to the entire fandom when it’s clear they’re trying do learn and do better (albeit taking some missteps). I feel like that behaviour should be reserved for those who are actively dangerous and harmful, and people who aren’t should just be talked to personally. (1/2)

hello! the reason why I made the callout post is because I was sick of seeing someone who repeatedly refuses to acknowledge and fix their mistakes on my dash. maybe the bar is low enough for you that their previous halfassed apologies to do better actually mean something but to me - the fact that they refuse to take down or stop writing smut of underaged characters + repeatedly stated that they don’t care about the comfort of minors irt their content is something that people who interact with them should know about, especially since there are many, many minors in this community. that is why I made the callout. people deserve to know if someone they’re interacting with has done and continues to do uncomfortable things, and from the looks of it a fair number of people agree. furthermore, they state that they want people to block them if they don’t like the fact that they write unrepentant smut of underaged characters; I am simply helping spread their message and speed this process along.

you will also notice that I provided direct, archived links to their posts in the body of my post so people reading the post could read peach’s words for themselves instead of taking my word for it. I am not responsible for the conclusions people draw. I am also not responsible for the harassment they received. I do not condone harassment and I would have told people not to talk to them in the callout itself if I had known what the reaction would be, which is a mistake on my part. as it is, I made two separate posts telling people not to send them hatemail. the purpose of the post was not to attack them but to spread awareness and boost the voices of people who have been uncomfortable with them in the past but afraid to speak up.

#discourse #ayda-agueforts #asks #the unintentional racism and hiding behind their whiteness as a shield is just the icing on the cake #for me and my friends who are poc and tired of their bullshit

[okimargarvez]

SOMEONE TO PUSH ME

Original title: Someone to push me.

Prompt: Luke wants to make his best friend happy again.

Warning: post 13x7.

Genre: funny, friendly, family, romantic, a bit sad.

Characters: Luke Alvez, Phil Brooks, Matt Simmons, Penelope Garcia, Roxy, Lou, BAU team.

Pairing: Garvez; PhilxPenelope.

Note: oneshot 57 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏😘🔦🐶🎵.

Song mentioned: L’alfabeto degli amanti, Michele Zarillo feat Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

SOMEONE TO PUSH ME  

* The greatest mistake that man can ever do, is to look far for the things he has inside him

Since Morgan is no longer part of the team, it rarely happens that once the unknown subject is taken, my phone rings again. Even for this reason I don't answer immediately, but I let the sound fill the room while I look without words at the name on the display. Alvez. What will he want from me? I force myself to pick up his call.

-…hello?- but I can't and maybe I don't even want to completely hide my amazement. On the other side of the line follows a brief silence.

-What, no one of your twisty jokes for me?- I hear him ask, as a spiritual protest. Even if I don't want to, he get a grimace out for me, that fortunately he can't see.

-Uh...- I sigh. -I...- I cut off a possible explanation that he is not required to know. -What do you need?- then suddenly the most catastrophic images passing in front of my myopic eyes. -Why did you call?- I ask with my heart in my throat, remembering the anguish of a few months ago, when I heard the crash of their SUVs in direct connection, without being able to do anything. -Something happened to...- he must have guessed it, because he says the right thing or at least one of the best.

-Breathe, Garcia, breathe.- he says in a quiet tone of voice that has the power to calm me instantly. -Nothing happened. Not yet.- he adds, however, after a pause, raising my doubts and confusing me even more. I can't focus on work, so I take my fingers off the keyboard and concentrate only on our conversation.

-What... could you be a little less mysterious?- I ask and while I'm waiting for him to answer, I imagine what he's wearing now, almost certainly something dark, because almost all his wardrobe is made up of black dresses, gray garments, as well as shades of red (dark), blue (dark) and a few exceptions. It shouldn't matter to me, but by now I've realized that denying it is useless. I decided to be sincere, at least to myself.

-Sorry.- he finally says after what seems to me a century, certainly only a few seconds. -It's just, I was wondering...- he sounds uncertain, insecure. -Are you free tonight?- then he shots all of a sudden and it seems so much an appointment request, but I know it's not, it can't be. So, I answer with a joke, as he asked me earlier.

-...wait for that the landing of the jet could be considered as a appointment?- I hear him laughing heartily. Everyone laughs at my wacky sentences, but no one has ever shown himself as genuinely amused as Luke. I can see his mouth open in his unique way. Better to focus on something else, before saying some worse bullshit.

-Do you remember my partner, Phil?- sure, his best friend. He talked about it one day with Matt, at O'Keefe, and I was sitting next to the former IRT agent. -That...- he begins to explain, but I know that he has not yet overcome the trauma of Cullen's case, even if the latter is still detained for his previous crimes, no longer in a maximum-security prison, but in a psychiatric one. Because he never recovered his memory. I'm not a profiler, like them, but I know how to connect the dots, and even if at the time I was even more cold with him than today, I guessed enough.

-Yes, I understand.- I say then to avoid him to feel again that pain. I know from personal experience that it doesn't matter how much time has passed. You can never overcome some things.

-Here.- he says, and I interpret it as a thank you. -I...- he still hesitates, probably assuming that my answer will be negative -...I would like to surprise him, he... needs a push, a reason that motivates him to keep trying.- he finally spits out, along with a big sigh. I just can't stop myself.

-Oh, Luke, what a sweet thing!- I exclaim, in an exaggeratedly honeyed tone. The time that elapses before he replies something makes me guess that he is rather surprised and upset.

-Yes.- he says, chuckling, while I reflect that this is our first private phone call that doesn't involve a case or a job. I also understand that he needs a little push.

-What can I do for you?- I ask, initially in an indifferent tone. -Do you want to introduce me? Is he cute?- I get straight to the point, though I don't think at all that the reason he called me while they are still flying is to get me to meet Phil. Maybe I make him mainly to arouse a bit of jealousy, and in fact, in his laugh there is some different nuance that I don't recognize.

-No, I didn't mean this.- he replies, when he stops laughing. -I know you... you love all the animals, right?- I don't think I need to answer, so I remain silent. -And therefore, uh, would you like to accompany me to choose a dog for my friend?- I can't talk. My mind, diabolically, transports me back more than a year, to the day I met Roxy. At that moment, when he had spoken the word dog, my brain had done as now: it had stalled, repeating that word endlessly. Dog. Because, with a dog by his side, Agent Alvez, Luke, was definitely more interesting... and less annoying. -Penelope, are you there?- his voice comes far, but he still has the power to bring me back to the real world.

-Uh? Yes, sorry, but when I hear the word dog...- I stumble, trying to explain, but then I understand that I could only make things worse. I blush (once again blessing the fact that we are not in a video call) and try to be professional or normal. -I’m. I'm here.- sigh. Silence, still silence. This is not what happens when we are facing each other, although he is notoriously taciturn, certainly not a talker... he is always different with me. But it is only because he must necessarily play the game.

Just when I'm about to ask him if he's still there, he revives. -So, are you in?- he asks. I hear a noise that could be interpreted with Luke scratching his head. But it could also be just a few sounds in the background. He's on a jet, after all.

-Sure!- I answer, this time without taking time or adding unnecessary details. However, good intentions are destined to have a short life. -But please, tell me you will get the dog from a shelter, among those unjustly abandoned.- I bite my tongue, but it's too late. Not that I'm ashamed of it, but I could have waited and suggested it to him personally.

But Luke rewards me with another crystalline laugh. -Something tells me that you know this world better than me.- he also winks, or at least that is what his tone suggests. It even seems to me that there is some mischievous nuance, but it will be my mind that makes me believe what I would like.

In any case, I reply in the same way. -Oh, Alvez, you will also be the owner of a splendid canine specimen, but the lady here is an active and voluntary member of all the shelters for abandoned animals of the state of Virginia.- here, I had not really intention to give him all this information or to seem vain. I don't like it, usually I never talk about this kind of stuff... in fact nobody on the team knows it. No one besides Luke, now.

-I never doubted that.- he chuckles again. -So...- he tries to say but my voice overlaps his.

-What time will you arrive here?- I ask, putting my hand over my mouth. Always too late, Garcia. It is useless for you to cry over spilled milk. And to talk to yourself, even if only in your mind.

-The landing is scheduled in about an hour.- he promptly replies.

-Perfect.- I let run my tongue over my lips and realize that they are dry. The hands, on the other hand, are sweaty. Damn, I can't let him see me like this. -I have plenty of time to consult with my animalist friends to find out who could be the lucky one.- I explain. Still too many details. Do I really think he might be interested?

-Great.- a break, that noise again. -I’ll se you later, Garcia.- he doesn’t give me time to replay, he hangs up before I can open my mouth. Maybe he accidentally crushed the shutdown button, or they are in a place where even the FBI's super-sophisticated technology can serve.

-See you later.- I answer to the nothing.

 It is certainly not the first time that I wait for the team with this fibrillation and agitation, but in the last half hour I have practically never been able to take my eyes off the clock display. Do my job, no way. Useless was the attempt of the rational part of me, which tried to convince the dreamer one that this was not a date, but only a favor done to a friend, to exaggerate. He has said it: I am a person who loves animals. That's why he chose me instead of Matt, Spencer or JJ, or Tara, or Emily or Rossi or... I can't take it anymore. I turn off the system, throw things in my purse in a disorderly fashion and type in the code (risking making a mistake). I walk nervously in front of the elevators, deceiving myself that they are about to appear, every time the doors open and are just any agents. Then, I feel like a tingling and I know it's them.

He is the last to go down. I greet others in a hurried way, a little too much, by my standards and certainly suspicious, especially judging by the way JJ looks at me. I'd like to be able to talk to her about this problem, but it would make it too real.

I head to Luke. -Finally, here you are.- without realizing it, I grab him by the arm and drag him towards his desk (in a glimmer of lucidity I must have thought he could have to take and leave something). He doesn't even try to protest or slip from my grip.

-Sorry, there was a little turbulence.- he only says and, again, I feel those strange nuances, while his lips bend into a crooked smile. That smile that can knock me out, if I let it do.

I keep yanking him, until I reach the goal, regardless of the others. -Hurry up, you have to see something.- he puts some papers down and sets them up in the drawer, so he nods that we can go. We walk side by side, closest (not as much as I would like) again in the direction of the elevators. More steps behind us.

-Hey, good night, Luke!- Matt voluntarily talks only to Luke, and it makes me laugh that they might think there's something more behind. A laugh not without a sad aftertaste. I wish it was like that.

Even Rossi gets to give him help. -Behave, you two, that tomorrow is a school day.- he warns both, going up next to Simmons on the second lift, leaving the other only for us. He joins me, shaking his head.

-But did you hear them?- he asks. But I am completely focused on not thinking about how close I am to him, his shoulder brushes mine and this every time we end up taking the elevator alone, while it hardly happens with the rest of the team, even with the girls. It is as if our bodies want, they must to be attacked. No, wait, Garcia: maybe your body has that desire, his's just an innocent victim.

-Yes, yes, it's not important.- I take out my cell phone and show him the screen. -Look. Look at this post.- there is a picture of a puppy of a Belgian shepherd breed, like Roxy, so small that he hasn't even opened his eyes. -Two months ago they found a pregnant dog, and...- I begin to explain, but I must have underestimated the thing or deluded myself that I was stronger -…and...- I stumble, while my eyes filling with tears.

I see wrinkles of worry appearing on his forehead. He has already seen me cry, but I don’t want to show him again this spectacle. It's too intimate, too personal... to share it with someone who, despite his words, will never cover that role. -Garcia, you feel good?- I nod, but my eyes are clouded.

I feel the phone is falling out. -Yes, yes, it's just...- he gently pulls it out from my fingers. I almost jump when his skin touches mine. I'm so ridiculous! -It's just...- I blink, freeing myself from the tears. It isn't a real crisis; I'm able to manage it. I congratulate myself.

-Is she dead?- he whispers sorrowfully, looking into my eyes.

I nod. I have to swallow twice. -She and two of the four puppies...- I spoke too soon. A sort of hiccup comes out that in reality is a sob, the signal that the storm is about to arrive. I feel my lips begin to tremble and I curse myself. But Luke doesn't seem to think so the same way.

-Oh, come on, come here.- he gently pushes me against his chest and hugs me. I rest my forehead on his shoulder, trying to wet him as little as possible. We both ignore the diiing of the bell that tells us that we have reached the last floor. His right-hand caresses my back softly and I could remain eternally in this instant.

We have already embraced each other, when Emily became head of the unit, but that was not a real hug. It was a quick and embarrassing squeeze. -Sorry, I...- I mumble, but I don't try to break away.

-There is no reason to apologize.- he replies in a calm and low tone, deep, like... like when he knows I'm in trouble. Even though he's the one who knew me less, he always knew how to understand when I felt bad. Making it all that much more difficult. - Do you think you can finish the story?- he asks, parting but pushing me towards the exit with a hand on my back, right where the scapula is.

-Yes.- I nod, take out a handkerchief and recompose myself. -Because of malnutrition only two little dogs have managed to overcome the critical phase.- I explain, again, trying to talk without hearing what I say, like when we have a really too macabo or splatter case for my taste. -One was adopted just yesterday, but this...- I point to the photo in the phone, which in the meantime has returned to me. -He is recovering, he has recently recovered the full motor capacity of his hind legs.- I smile, stopping in front of his car. -And then I thought that, since your friend is in a wheelchair...- I can't hold his gaze. -Maybe it was a bad idea.- I pull back.

But Luke shakes his head. -No, no, you're right, it's perfect.- he gives me a strong smile. -And he has a really sweet look.- he adds, looking at me, however, intensely, as if to suggest that it is my gaze, the sweet one. But again, it's just a figment of my imagination. Even if I think so, about his smile.

-Yes, I think the same.- I open the door and I get on board with difficulty, even though I always (always seems an extremely long and disproportionate time, it is less than two years, after all) dreamed that he did it, but in any case, I don't give him the time, to avoid recreating that embarrassment of that time that he had helped me get off the Bradenton sidewalk.

-So?- he asks, after a while we are on the road.

I turn to him and look at him as he drives. I look at the way he grips the steering wheel with one hand while tapping it with the other. I observe his concentration which I find, needless to say, extremely sexy. -So what?- I almost echo him.

Here comes that mischievous smile. -How did you call him?- I open my mouth to answer him in the same tone or pretend that I don't understand who we're talking about. Then I change my mind.

-What makes you think I already gave him a name?- he gives me a quick look, fast but sufficiently loaded with things. Things I'm afraid to analyze.

-Because I know you, now.- he answers and I don't deny. -I profiled you, did you forget it?- I imitate an ironic laugh.

Then Luke glances at me again and I give up. -I thought... Lou.- I'm tense more than when I was at school waiting to see the result of an exam or question on the board.

-I like it.- he says and I start breathing again. I seemed to notice something even now, but... enough, I have to concentrate on our mission. -Is it in my honor?- he has the courage to ask me. I roll my eyes, pretending to be annoyed.

-Oh, don't flatter yourself, Alvez.- here, the surname is the best thing, but he doesn't seem disappointed. In fact, even if it could be the diminutive of Louis, I could have chosen the name of the little dog based on an assonance...

Fortunately, about ten minutes later we arrive.

-Here we are, it's here.- I clap, excited, he chuckles as he turns. We go in, but I stop in front of any cage, unable to detach myself from all those sad little eyes that tonight will probably present me with the bill again.

A big hand lands on my shoulder. -Garcia, you can't look in this way at every animal that is here.- he makes rationally to note, but his hot breath hits some uncovered areas of my skin.

-I know.- I whine. -But how can you do it, how can you leave them here?- he makes me turn to him and nods.

-Better here than on the road.- he comments, pushing me forward.

-You are right.- I sigh, then I see a short woman, skinny and with short and dark hair. -Oh, here's my friend Victoria.- I hurry up and he walks next to me.

-Penelope!- she exclaims, quickly embracing me. -Is this the lucky future owner?- I see her green eyes flicker on Luke and something stings my stomach. I think they call it jealousy. She finds him attractive, who in their right mind would not think so? I also look towards the man, who smiles in a friendly way, but nothing more. Sigh of relief.

-No, it's his best friend. He's in a veteran's clinic, and... he has a similar story to Lou's.- Victoria opens her eyes wide when she hears me say the name, but she should have expected it.

-Lou? Well, it sounds good.- and so it is decided. -Are you sure it won't be a problem for the clinic?- she gives Luke a stern look. How many times have we cried together the death of a deceived animal of having finally found his family and "returned" to the kennel? It would be good if we understood once and for all that animals are living beings, sentient, not objects, plush. This is why Victoria asked this question with such seriousness.

-Yes, I've already talked to the director.- Luke replies though, and we both believe him.

Victoria nods. -Perfect, then, follow me.-

 Once in the car again, with the puppy in my arms, I give the best of myself. -Oh my God, oh my God, but how cute he is!- I chirp with a certainly ridiculous tone. -Have you seen how cute he is?- I ask him a hundred times, even though he has already answered yes and cannot turn around to look at me well. -He's the sweetest creature in the universe.- Lou seems to like the compliment and licks my face, until he utters a shriek of pleasure.

Luke laughs, his favorite activity when we're together. -I think Roxy and Sergio wouldn't agree.- he comments, teasing me.

-But they are adults, this one instead, it's still a little puppy.- I rub my nose against his wet tip. -How are you, love?- I ask him then, whispering. -You have suffered so much, but your life will change today.- Luke puts the brake and based on the red light that is reflected in the lenses of my glasses, I suppose we are stop at a traffic light. -You will be so happy and you will give happiness.- I tell him, then I feel a male look on me. -What is it?- Luke raises his arms and then the green light comes out.

-Nothing.-

Outside the clinic where Phil lives, Luke repeats the instructions, holding me (perhaps unconsciously) by the arm. -So, did you understand everything? When I say "in that spirit", you come in with Lou.- he realizes I'm looking at him strangely. -What is it?- he asks, making me blush, but I hide behind the puppy.

-Nothing, it's...- is that hearing him say from his voice, from his mouth, it's... no. I nod, to convince him. -Yes, I understood everything.-

 ** Because the world has disappointed even you

While I'm doing weight lifting, to keep the whole body active and not even allow the arms to soften, someone touches me and giggles. I would recognize that voice everywhere. -Luke!- I exclaim, surprised. -Hey, dinner’s not till Friday, what are you doing here?- I place the weight on the ground and he sits right in front of me.

He has a serious look on his face. -I know you've been struggling with your recovery- he starts -…and I, uh, I think I know why.- well, he's not just a profiler, it's my best friend first of all. If he can't understand me, who else could? I sigh, but I let him continue. -After I got back from Iraq, I faced some struggles of my own.- yeah, it was really a good time. I remember the calls of his family, the hope that at least he was been in touch with me. I really believed that we would lose him. Luke fought that war hoping to get killed. We have never addressed this topic, but perhaps we should. He fought for the guilt he felt for not being the one in a wheelchair. -And if it hadn't been for Roxy I don't know where I'd be.- I can't stop myself and laugh before his face.

-You're obsessed with that dog, man. You need help.- Luke nods, chuckling back. But then he turns serious.

-I needed something to live for.- he says, and it's the biggest admission about his "black period" he has ever done. A heavy break follows. I nod. -Someone to push me.- and another one, but this time there is something strange in his eyes. He turns to the door. -So, in that spirit, ah... I...- he bends his lips in a strange way. -In that spirit...- he repeats then, stronger.

-Now? Yeah, ok.- whispers the voice of a woman who appears shortly after. She has a little dog in her arms. I don't know if Luke is laughing like me more for the whole scene or for his friend. Blonde, with glasses paired with a pink sweater and a dress with a bizarre weft. She smiles and her joy is contagious. Luke reaches out and strokes the dog.

-Now this puppy is gonna need a lot of love and... some walks.- I understand where he wants to go. I nod, still incredulous that he could have done such a thing for me. It doesn't matter that we've known each other for at least twenty years. Luke is not the type for big surprises. Luke is the guy who cares but doesn't know how to prove it. The woman leaps cradling the dog. -Better get busy getting better.- I signal that everything is clear and as she approaches, I allow myself to look at her better.

-Hi.- she says, and even her voice matches perfectly with the rest.

-Hi.- I echo her. In her eyes there is not even the slightest trace of pity, she doesn’t see me as a poor paralytic. I think she simply sees me as the future owner of the dog.

-This is... Lou!- she exclaims, excitedly, as she hands me the puppy. I lift him, to look at his nose, and it's really cute. Able to melt the heart of a tough former ranger soldier like me.

-Hi, Lou! Are you going to be my buddy?- here I started talking in a stupid voice, like people do with children. I owe Luke an apology. -You gonna be my little boy?- I do some scratches on his neck and he answers me by licking my face. I can't hold back the enthusiasm. But I'm not stunned to the point of not noticing that Luke is holding his supposed friend by her side. I don't think I've ever seen him so close to a woman who wasn't part of his family. -Lou’s going to be my buddy!- while Lou continues to kiss me, I seem to see him move his hand on her shoulder, but still keep her close. They both smile, she looking decidedly at the dog, he... we have something to talk about, in private, I guess. - Guys, I think so!- the woman reaches out to caress him on the head. I high five Luke, who leans over and hugs me. -Thank you, brother.- I feel him nodding on my shoulder. -Thank you, man.- I kiss Lou on the head. To avoid ending up whining, I go for one of my favorite activities from day one in the rangers: pricking Luke. -So, Luke, you haven't improved at all. Do not introduce me to your partner?- I wink, raising my eyebrows, but I notice a veil in my friend's eyes.

-She is...- he begins to speak, but the woman precedes him, reaching me, holding out her hand loaded with colored bracelets.

-My name is Penelope, even if everyone prefers to call me Garcia.- it is soft, delicate and fresh. -We work together...- she adds, glancing at Luke. But already from the name or surname, I should have understood. That's why it seemed to me I already knew her! Because someone had talked to me extensively about her, whenever I asked "How is the profiler job going?".

-Oh.- I say in fact, meeting the gaze of Luke, who tries to electrocute me and mimes with his lips a "don't try" that doesn't seem at all threatening. Even Penelope has noticed this exchange of looks. She looks at her colleague, then at me, at Luke again and finally at me.

-What?- she asks, scrutinizing us in turn. -Is there anything I should know?- in the end she decides to opt for me, considering that Luke will probably remain silent like a fish. Smart, the girl. But of course, she is the oracle of the BAU, an absolute genius, the one without whom it would not be possible to resolve any case. Of course, they are not my words.

I raise my hands. -It's not up to me to decide.- I look at Luke, who merely opens his eyes. They go back to focusing on Penelope. -And how did that scoundrel get you involved?- she laughs, appreciating my joke, which was pretty obvious and bad. She's so generous, you know, she helped one downstairs and asked nothing in return, I hear Luke's voice echoing in my ears.

-Because I love all animals.- she answers with a serious expression. -I'm also a vegetarian!- then she blushes, I notice that she throws a quick glance at Luke, spreads her arms and then leans over to caress Lou, still on my legs. -Sorry, I don't think you are interested, I'm usually to rambling when I'm nervous.- she explains, giving me a smile that affects all the right points. How could I blame Luke? I've only known her for ten minutes and already I find her fantastic. She has something different from the other women I met.

-It's okay.- I say, touching her arm and catching a fire look from my best friend. -I like to hear you talk.- I wink and she chuckles. -Tell me something more about yourself, are you dating...- I start talking, not even I know if I'm doing it to make Luke jealous (and consequently to make him react) or because I'm interested in knowing her for myself.

In any case, my best friend disagrees. -Phil, I think we should go, it's late and tomorrow is a working day.- he babbles, trying to sound convincing and looking at Penelope hoping she nods.

-But if we've been here for just five minutes and it's only nine o'clock.- she protests instead.

I touch her hand, this time looking only at her. -Forget it, he has to run to his girlfriend.- she opens her eyes wide, then I hasten to add a detail. -I mean the dog, don't look at me like that.- I turn to Luke, who shakes his head with a strange, crooked smile on his mouth.

-Yeah.- he nods when he recovers. -And Sergio is waiting for you too.- he says in an annoyed tone, unable to mask what he is feeling, despite being one of the best in undercover operations.

I decide to help him. -Sergio? It's...- Penelope anticipates him.

-My cat.- she says. -My old black cat with a gray mustache.- she glares at her colleague with a dirty look. He seems in trouble.

-I'd like to meet him one day.- I smile.

-I'd like it too.- she replies and we keep looking at each other until Luke breaks the atmosphere.

He brushes her on the shoulder. -Garcia, we have to go, really.- she looks away from me reluctantly and rolls her eyes.

-All right, all right.- she turns back to me. -So, I hope...- this time I'm the one to anticipate her.

-I hope to see you again soon.- I reach out and she understands, holding out my cheek. I place a quick kiss on her cheek and feel her scent invade my nostrils. Luke stands with his mouth open beside us. -I am always here. And also Lou.- I wink at her and she smiles, stroking the little dog once more.

The third-wheel clears its throat. -Phil, can we talk a second by ourselves?- he asks. The blonde understands the hint and moves away a few steps. She seems confused, and I understand why. Luke is acting like a child who doesn't want others to touch his favorite toy.

He doesn’t notice, because he is too focused on me, but Penelope looks at him strangely for a few moments and this, more than anything else, gives me the definitive proof that no matter how good it would be, I can’t not even flirt with her. -Okay, I'll wait in the parking lot.- she greets me with her hand, and perhaps turns to the dog, but Luke stops her, grabbing her by the wrist.

He opens her hand and puts something on her palm. -Take the keys, I don't want that happens something.- he says only, with his eyes almost out of their sockets, and certainly unaware of all this. She says nothing and disappears.

-So, brother, what do you have to tell me?- I go straight to the point.

Luke shakes his head and opens his mouth without saying anything. I just wait. -What you must tell me!- he finally exclaims. -How did you behave with my colleague?- I burst out laughing in his face. Between brothers is allowed.

-Listen to him.- I cover Lou ears. -My colleague.- I imitate his voice. -That's the woman you told me about.- I accuse him, grinning. -Everything is clear. And now I understand why you're so obsessed with her.- eyebrow movement.

He tries to deny. -I'm not obsessed.- he glances at the window. From where you can see the parking lot. But of course not, he's just a little fixated. -And in any case, you're not her type.- he adds, muttering. It is too funny. I've never seen Luke taken in this way. It never happened that we liked the same girl, though.

-Uh, no?- I bend my lips in a strange way, to tease him. -She didn't seem of the same mind and... let's hear, what would it be, her ideal man? Like you?- he blushes to the tip of the ears.

-I didn't... I didn't mean this.- he replies.

Okay, I've had enough. -Man, you have to wake up.- I signal to him to approach and then I give him a push. He looks at me as if I've betrayed him. -If you don't, I'll take care of it.- I threaten him. He opens his mouth again. I didn't know my best friend had turned into a fish.

-What ...?- I spread my arms and bend my head to one side.

-Well, she's nice, pretty and I'm not afraid of catching a pullback or a “no, thanks”.- I simply say. I see him suddenly become sad. I sigh. -I know that I will regret what I am about to tell you.- everything he feels is intuitable just from the eyes. Not everyone could interpret it correctly. -I already had a woman in mind that I wanted you to meet, she is my physiotherapist, her name is Lisa and...- he silences me with a voice that is almost shrill.

-Phil.- his gaze is serious.

-Okay, sorry.- Lou starts to whine, maybe he's sleepy. -I see that the situation is tragic.- the last zinger. -Luke, brother, even Penelope feels something for you, she cares about you, it's so obvious that only you can not notice it!- Luke seems almost frightened by this perspective, rather than happy.

-She... she loves the whole team.- he replies, as a justification.

I nod. -Yes, but with whom did she spend Wednesday night, after a case?- I point out to him. He opens his eyes. -Don't look at me like that, I don't spy on you, I just read the newspapers.- Luke says nothing for a moment.

Then, without looking at me: -She did it for Lou...-  hearing his name, the dog (yes, he already understood that this is his name, I suspect that Penelope repeated it just a couple of times) tries to stand up.

-No, she didn't do it just for the dog.- he strokes his head and he licks my hand. -Now I have to take care of him, so I'll make this quick: take the opportunity or someone else will do it.- the last threat. I reach out a hand and he squeezes it. -Good night, Romeo!- I greet him.

-Good night.- he replies, but I could swear I heard him tremble.

-Oh, I forgot!- I have stopped him while he was already on the threshold. -If I find out that you didn't doing anything tonight, I'll talk about it with your abuela and we’ll see if she won't make move your ass!-

 *** This is the time to live you, to the last part of me and not ask me where and why, you just have to trust me

When I reach my car, I dread finding it empty. I know it's absurd, but fears are irrational, they don't follow logic. I open the driver's door and see her sitting there. -Hey, it took you a century.- she jokes, but I can't really laugh this time. -What did you talk about, maybe about me?- she also seems to notice that there is something different in me. -I’m joking.- she adds then, with a sorry tone and it breaks my heart. -Luke, you're weird.- she comments. I haven't turned the key in the ignition yet.

I force myself to turn around and look into her eyes. -Me? No.- but it was a mistake. Then I start the engine and decide to look carefully at the road. But out of the corner of my eye I can still see her.

-Your friend is really a good person.- she comments, and I nod. -I understand right away this kind of thing.- she adds and I can't help but wonder if she has thought the same thing about me when we met. Theoretically not, for the way she treated me, but since it was only a facade... -I feel it.- she puts her hand on the edge of the seat, which grazes mine while I put another gear.

-Yes.- I only reply, as I can't do much else.

But Penelope doesn’t seem willing to stop talking. -It's also nice, as I imagined.- I have nothing to add to this. -I suppose he's single.- I sigh. Is it right that I try in vain not to let them go out together? It's a rhetorical question. I already know the answer.

-Yes.- I confirm, reluctantly, feeling like shit.

Even if only in passing, I recognize the appearance of a smile on her face. I wish it were for me. -And by chance... he asked for something of me?- surely I don't have to put myself in the middle, but I can't, no matter how hard I try, I can't really facilitate the birth of a relationship between them. Well, they maybe would understand that they are not compatible as more than just friends. Yes, of course. It only took a few minutes for Phil to fall victim to her unique charm. And she seemed pretty involved too. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to let her help me.

I breathe in and out three times before opening my mouth again. -Garcia, we could... we could change the subject?- I ask her, hoping not to look too desperate. -I don't want to talk about it.- she looks at me for a while and then nods.

-Ok.- so she is silent, she says nothing and nothing interesting to say comes to my mind. After about a quarter of an hour, stopping at a traffic jam caused by a minor accident, I turn to her, who has a melancholy look, her head turned towards the window.

-Hey, is everything okay?- I brushes her leg, more or less consciously. I think back to the embrace we exchanged, just a few hours ago. -I'm driving too abrupt?- but I know the solution isn't that simple.

As soon as she turns, shaking her head, she manages to catch my eyes. It's scary how much power she has over me. Fortunately, I don't think she is aware of it. -No, no.- she feels obliged to reassure me. I think back to Phil's words, to the threat of talking to my grandmother about it. I quickly judge how well he would be able to do it.

-You are taciturn.- I comment then. One step at a time. -It's not something you usually do.- she doesn't answer, but keeps looking at me. -Is for what I said before? If you really care...- she stops me, much more bravely than me, or maybe it costs her nothing to do it, putting her hand on mine. I swallow. I hope she doesn't notice the turmoil going on inside me.

-No, it's not about that.- she then clarifies and lets me go because finally it seems that we are starting to move again. But why am I so damn convinced that otherwise she wouldn't have come off?

-Oh.- I feel the need to scratch my head. -So... what are you thinking?- I hasten to reasses. -If I have the right to know.- Penelope didn't take the opportunity to pull back. Which is bizarre, because in her place I would certainly have done it.

-I was thinking about...- she hesitates. -You know, while I was out the door, I heard you... I heard you say that thing to Phil and...- well, if I hadn't lived really extreme situations, now I would feel the need to vomit. -I'm sorry, I know my words don't count, but I'm sorry that you and him had to live such traumatic things and I know you voluntarily decided to enlist, or at least you, but...- I can breath again. She's not talking about our final discussion about her, but of earlier, when she was waiting for my signal with Lou. Late, I realize what she said, and something different, not fear, but... a sense of understanding, of empathy, absolute, which I think I felt only with Phil, before today. -It's just that I can't help but imagine you at that moment, all alone, disoriented and I know it's not my business, but...- I feel a lump in my throat. -Sorry, I really have to learn to hold my tongue in check, I don't do it on purpose, by now you know me, I let myself go when I'm nervous...- I force myself to react, because I can't really believe that all this apprehension doesn't mean anything.

-And why are you nervous, Penelope?- we look at each other for one second that seems to last a whole life. She seems to find the answer she was looking for in my eyes.

-Uh, I think a good definition is...- I feel in the air, yes, exactly in the air, and Phil would laugh so much at me, but I feel in the air that the next sentence that she will say, it will change the course of my life. -...is that I care about you and I love you.- I decide to follow her example and jump.

I signal the turn and I stop at the edge of the road. -Like to one of the team?- I ask her, turning to her and putting my hand on hers.

-What?- she replies with another question, but I understand that she doesn’t do it to avoid the question, she hasn’t really understood, she hasn't guessed the scope of my sentence.

Then I do something really unthinkable. A small thing, but not for me. -Do you only love me as a member of the BAU?- I interlace my fingers with hers.

Penelope falters, but can't take her eyes off mine. -I...- I think she's uncomfortable and that's not what I wanted. With the other hand I stroke her back.

-You don't have to answer.- I say in a calm tone of voice. -I'm sorry.- I add.

However, I feel her increase the grip. -No.- convinced voice. -I want it, I want to answer.- she makes a big sigh. -I love you more than as a colleague and even more than as a friend...- she finally says and I really find it hard to concentrate on what comes next. -I have... I have a crush on you.- yes, she has said it, there are no more doubts or spaces for ambiguity. -And I'm sorry that you had to find out this way and I know I wouldn't have the right to feel anything for you because I always treated you badly but I didn't want to, it was a way of curbing it, but it didn't work and it showed so easy, and I’m so sorry, I...- I move my hand on her mouth to gently silence her. I would have preferred a kiss, but first... first there are things I have to say.

-Penelope. Stop apologize.- she nods, like an obedient child. I'm dying to kiss her, but I have to check myself. -The heart goes where it goes, right?- it comes out instead. She takes it seriously.

-And love is blind, like luck.- she replies. Our hands are still intertwined.

-Yeah.- I begin to lean towards her face. -But it happens that I can see very well.- her pupils dilate. I don't want to prolong this torture for both. -I also have a crush on you.- I say then, then I realize I haven't said the right thing. -No, it's not the truth.- the sparkle in her eyes goes out instantly.

-I thought it was strange.- she also comments with a disillusioned tone and I understand that I cannot allow her to believe that I have teased or deceived her.

So, I take her face with my hands and caress her by moving only my thumbs. -Because I'm in love with you.- she opens her mouth. -Phil called me obsessed. And yes, we talked about you, practically only about that.- I answer the question that I previously avoided. She looks even more amazed. -He told me I had to wake up, otherwise...- this time she gets the matter right away.

-Wow.- she chuckles. -How is it possible that two hot military are into me and neither of them wants to shoot me?- but this subject is not particularly pleasing to me. I can't think of that bastard and I had need confession because of him. Apparently, it is also a sin wanting to kill those who are already dead.

-I don't want to talk about Battle.- I reply in fact, in a snarl.

She doesn't get scared, but looks upset. -You know?- she asks, turning to the window. I leave my fingers run into her blonde hair. Another thing that I don't know how long I've wanted to do. There are many, but I have to be patient.

-Yes, JJ told me about it.- I explained hastily. -But now I would like to address and in-vestigate another type of topic...- my voice becomes hoarse and she seems to realize what is about to happen. My hands are always around her face. The belt prevents me from moving, so I take it off. One of her hand rests on my leg and the other on my shoulder.

-Oh.- she only whispers. I bend down, leaving a kiss on her forehead, one on her nose, a series of kisses on her cheeks, I don't know why and where did I get this idea that only prolongs the wait, but then I feel Penelope increase the grip and reaches my mouth. I completely lose my mind, even if I can behave like a perfect gentleman and not like an animal in heat. Short kisses, longer kisses, wet kisses, dry kisses, sweet kisses and hungry kisses. I soon lose the bill.

It is she who breaks away. If it were up to me, I would probably have died due to lack of oxygen. -Luke...- she pronounces my name in a small voice. I think it's the most erotic thing I've ever heard. She begins to feel a certain problem, but I ignore it (or postpone it).

-What?- I ask, taking advantage of it to fill my lungs.

She bites her lip, then chuckles nervously. -Maybe I read too many thrillers, but... wouldn't it be better if we moved?- she looks through the windshield. It's dark, and it's starting to drizzle. -Someone might arrive and it would be embarrassing to explain... even if we aren't doing anything.- she blushes. I stroke her cheek, taking advantage to steal another quick kiss. I believe this will become a pleasant habit.

-Yes, you're right.- I hesitate on her lips, it’s like a drug. -It's that, hell, it was so long that I wanted to do it.- I sigh and we both end up laughing like two teenagers. -And probably I should have kept it for me.- I add.

-No!- she leans on my shoulder. -I like your being so... spontaneous. Without filters.- I see her smile, and it's so beautiful that it makes my heart beat faster.

-Oh well.- I reply. -I'm not very good at these things.- I confess. I keep saying things that I'd better don't say aloud.

But she looks at me, serious. -It also a lot that I'm off the grid...- she reveals. -But it doesn't matter, right?- I understand what she means.

-Right.- I echo her. With an inhuman effort I return to my seat and fasten my belt. -Where... where do you want me to take you?- I'm in no hurry, right? I can respect her time, can't I? -At your home or... - Penelope shakes her head.

-Luke, why do you have to tempt me so shamelessly?- it seems that I wasn't the only one who thought about it. -I am afraid of what might happen if I spend the night with you.- yes, I think I understand what she means. A passion like ours, held for almost two years, what kind of consequences will it bring?

I start the engine and enter the road again. -Chose freely, but remember that we don't have to do anything.- it is so. I just have to convince myself.

-No, we don't have to, but do you think we'll be able to hold ourselves back?- she asks, reading my thoughts. I already feel disappointment, even though I would not be entitled to it, given how the evening has evolved. -On the other hand... I'd like to see Roxy again, I miss her.- she rekindles all hopes and laughs at my expression.

-Didn't Lou be enough for you?- I ask, trying to dissemble.

-No, I'll never get enough of cuddling puppies.- she replies promptly.

-And the same for me, but of you.- I answer as determined and convinced.

-Wow.- is her reaction. -It's strange, beautiful but strange.- she touches my hand on the steering wheel. -I'll get a little used to it.- I hope it never happens, it's what I wish for both. I am convinced that it will not happen to me.

Later, we finally reach my apartment. I turn the key and let Penelope enter first. -Rox!- my girl immediately assaults her; it is so beautiful that now this sentence is like a multiplication, with interchangeable factors. -Love, how beautiful are you?- Roxy cleans her face and she returns her, filling her with kisses. -Listen to me, honey.- I hear her say solemnly, -From this moment on you have a very important task: you have to help Uncle Phil and Lou, you'll be a good sister, aren't you? I know you will be.- then she looks at me, from bottom to top. -You see? She has understood that I don’t love her less.- she points out, proud. -Why are you looking at me like that? You think I’m crazy, right?- I shake my head and bring her back to an upright position.

-No.- her face at my height, despite the difference in stature between us. -I think you're adorable.- she gives me one of her magical smiles and puts her arms around my neck. - And about me, how much you love me?- I ask, with a mischievous tone.

Her eyes flicker here and there. -I don't know, it's hard to quantify it.- she replies.

I nod. -You're right, but...- I'm going to say it, I have to say. I want to tell her before... before what may or may not happen. So she can understands that I really think so. -I love you.- she just squeezes her lips a little. -I mean it seriously.- I add.

-I love too.- she says, and I know that from this moment, whatever may happen, the world can no longer be the same. It will be a magnificent place. -But if this is a dream, give me five more minutes.- we laugh together, holding each other in a poignant embrace.

-It's all true.- I whisper in her ear, feeling her shudder. -And if it were not, I would like to stay asleep next to you.- we move to the bed, let's get back to kissing each other, then she collapses, as a consequence of all the emotions experienced during this evening. I stay for about a quarter of an hour looking at her. -What do you say, Rox, should I thank Phil?- the dog gives me a significant look. -Yup. Tomorrow I text him.- I also turn off the last light, I lie down beside Penelope, wrapping my arms around her body and I fall asleep at once.

-----------------------

TAGS: @martinab26​ @reidskitty13​  @thinitta​  @garvezz​ @mercedes-maldonado​  @shyladystudentfan​  @pegasus-scifichick​ @paperwalk​  @inlovewithgarvaz​ @the-ellen-stuff​ @astressedwriter​  @ilovecatswwehp​ @symphonyashley​ @jess-the-introvert​ @veronicafiore88​

#garvez #penelope garcia #luke alvez #criminal minds #cm #penelope x luke #luke x penelope #garcia x alvez #alvez x garcia #phil brooks #penelope x phil #lou #roxy #post 13x7 #dust and bones #BAU team #tiziano ferro #michele zarrillo #l'alfabeto degli amanti