#which i feel is also a disappointment and that makes me feel bad

[theminecraftbee]

okay you saying Three and Grian would clash makes me wanna see a multi-dimensional smash up where they meet

I MEAN SAME, one of my most self-indulgent desires is this, and i'm trying to remember if i've talked about this before on the blog or just rambled to my friends about it, lol. because it would be INTERESTING. there would be a lot of emotions going on there, it'd be messy!

because like, okay. so on grian's end: three is very clearly the bad ending, to him. this is the ending where the watchers erase grian and leave behind a strange little weapon who does stuff like "starts following orders when stressed", which is like, in grian's mind, the opposite of grian's behavior. and yeah, sure, three insists it isn't grian, but that doesn't make that not fucked up to grian, and probably also like... i don't know how good grian would be at seeing past that, you know? (bonus points if this grian is, himself, a standard "grian is a watcher who left" construction, because, you know, woof.)

but meanwhile, three like, has known identity hangups about grian. three would already be in a frustrated state of "i am NOT grian though" like, from the jump. but three would ALSO be forced to look at the version of the world where grian stuck around. and in some ways, three would look at that and see all the things its existence prevents, which would suck! but it would ALSO be a scenario where... so the thing is, the only version of grian that three knows is the posthumous version. the version that got lionized in death. this idealized image of the man. and i feel like three would see grian and find him... disappointing, in comparison, because ANYONE would be! but that'll also sure be a Thing.

(additional bonus points: grumbot. things that are DEFINITELY on the list of "things three didn't do in its own timeline and if mumbo did three treated wildly differently", and also on the list of "so do you think the human weapon with identity issues might identify with that robot or what" and also given that the rift remains one of the easiest crossover excuses on hermitcraft, oh man, oh boy. anyway.)

how would this end? I DON'T KNOW. i haven't managed to actually WRITE this self-indulgent thing although i have looked at all my friends with wide sad eyes about it in case any of them do, lol. but rest assured I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS GREATLY.

#answered #solving counting sheep talk #iconicanemone

[eisforeidolon]

Destiel has definitely soured my opinion on Misha especially since he continues to feed into it. It would not be so bad if he didn't make everything so sexual in relation to this ship. It seems like out of the entire cast Jensen is definitely the one who is sexualized the most and destiel fans continue to act like that is ok because JA and Misha are friends. Not one of them care how Jensen might feel if he knew they look at him at this sexual fantasy to make their ship cannon. These people are not his fans no matter how much they like to claim they are. The ship only bothers me because the fans seem unhinged. Maybe if they shipped for fun instead of trying to make a statement that none of them even believe in other fans would take them more seriously.

Yeah, the hellers have annoyed me from the start, even way back when I shipped D/C in fandom over their disregard for other fans, the show, the actors, and basically anyone who didn't see their ship as an important cause/inevitable canon rather than just a fanon ship. But there also just came a point where I could no longer give Misha the benefit of the doubt either. Not because he's talking about shipping, or even specifically a non-canon ship? That could be fine! It's because of the specific way he talks about it and how a certain loud, batshit part of the fandom reacts to what he says.

Hellers want to pretend, despite everything Jensen has consistently said over the years about not wanting to talk about shipping in general and specifically not seeing D/C as any part of his character's canon story? That it's no big deal to keep dragging him into it. Actually, he's really into D/C and RPF of him and Misha - or it's at least a-okay because they're friends!

We'll ignore the part of that which is obviously deluded self-serving fetishistic bullshit. But it also pointedly ignores that there is a world of difference between joking with someone versus making someone the butt of your jokes. Especially regarding a subject you know they want no part of. Especially when you so specifically do it where they aren't present or active. The way he talks about the ship frequently treats Jensen and/or Dean like a subservient sexual object. It's often pointedly about laughably trying to make himself sound dominant. It's often pointedly crass and vulgar. It's often dishonestly contradictory to what Jensen and others have publicly said about the ship. They want to pretend like it's friendly banter/ribbing between him and Jensen, but it clearly isn't. It doesn't have the right tone, context, or level of interaction for that. It's him performing to his audience at Jensen's (and the show's) expense. As I've said many a time in regards to Misha, with friends like that ...

The thing is, both sides of that coin are about treating Jensen like a blow up doll. Any opinion or feelings he has don't matter, he's just a vehicle to project onto in the hopes it will get them what they want. In the fanatic shippers' case, the ship made canon. In Misha's case, continued money and attention. Funny how right when he needs to re-open Cameo for extra funds, this is how Grifter McQueerbait spent a J2-less con, huh?

Which is why Misha gets no benefit of the doubt from me. He doesn't care about his supposed friend getting called a homophobe for not playing along. He doesn't care about any of his other coworkers or the network who were very good to him getting similar blowback accusations from his lies and sly imprecations. He sure as hell doesn't care about his fans as he keeps setting them up to be disappointed over and over and over again. Hell, he doesn't even care enough about any of it to be consistent from con to con, because he changes his story according to his mood and whoever else is on stage.

Hey, if he keeps getting money and attention for it and someone else always faces the consequences, why change? Friendship? Integrity? Being gainfully employable? Pfft. Who needs it! There's $$$ to be made right now, baby! So I also just think he's a fucking idiot. Although I'll give him this, I didn't think even the hellers were daft enough to keep signing up to be fleeced this transparently with the same recycled material 3+ years post-show.

#anti misha #Jensen is not your blow up doll #long post

[vestaclinicpod]

Audio Drama Sunday - 28th April ✨

Happy Audio Drama Sunday! I started two new shows this week and fell in love with both of them!! 

👻 @tellnotalespod (S2E8.5) ohhhhhh I’m so emotional. The end of this series is going to make me cry so many happy tears, I can just feel it. 

🌲 @hellofromthehallowoods (149) With the description this week, I think I truly realised just how scary-looking the pig man is 😰 Things are looking decidedly down for Shelby and Clem. Eek. God, Valerie!!! She’s such an interesting character because you can literally connect the dots of her trauma but still be slightly disappointed by the consequences on her behaviour! And the poor Mr Greenstreets ☹️ Raj is very Syrensyr coded?? Vincent as a grief counsellor makes me wonder… about who or what Voltaire is…. 

Also, I want the Auditor to be Polly so bad and I want Nikignik to get out of the interrogation by bargaining to reunite him with Yaretzi and Mort - PLEASE. 

🧳 Travelling Light by @monstrousproductions (19) I loved seeing our Traveller stand up for themself!! It’s always so fun to see characters who are usually soft gain a backbone of steel because their core values are tested. And the discussion of the nanobots was so interesting!! The laws on nanobots elsewhere when they are literally required for survival makes the entire person illegal. And we all know that’s not right!!! 

👁️ @malevolentcast (41) I’m thinking that maybe Rafters was an exception that proves the rule… Alexander the owl was creepy as anything and I hated the way he seemed to be guiding them towards the crack in the wall. Now we’re in a possible parallel universe, it feels like all bets are off and I’m scared to even consider what might happen to John and Arthur now! 

⚔️ @camlannpod (8) OUGH. Oh my god. Can’t they just have FIVE MINUTES to RELAX?? I actually snorted out loud at: ‘you’re good with an axe, right’. Pere is a little shit and I love that for them. Morgan!!! 🫨 And Dai!!! I’m so hopeful that starting down this path will lead to good (or, at least, a whole load of shenanigans for S2!) 

🖥️ The Magnus Protocol (13) It’s very interesting to me that we were able to listen in on Sam and Cecilia’s date… how did that work? There’s something here about gambling and chance with this story and the previous one about the dice rolling?? I’m connecting the dots (I’m not connecting shit). 

🌞 Small Victories by @wgc-productions is so good, I wish I’d started listening years ago. I love the 90s sitcom vibe and the intro/outro are so unique. I absolutely love shows that centre around character studies. Marisol’s story is so gripping and I love how the writing takes us right inside her brain as she justifies every decision (good or bad). It’s so clear how loveable she is and how much people around her want her to be okay (mostly), but don’t know *how* to get her to that place given the shit they’re dealing with themselves! I got up to 1.09 so . . . bit of a cliffhanger there!! I’m very excited to see how the story progresses. I’m rooting for you, Tiny!! 

🧋 I started @hinaypod and it’s safe to say that I’m in love already! Listening has given me the same amazing feeling of listening to Desperado - the sensation that the creators have opened up a door to a brand new world and I’m so happy to be in it! I adore Mari. Even from episode one, she has this quiet self-confidence in herself and her skills which is so refreshing. I also really like the horror writing here and I’m really looking forward to delving deeper into this story! 

Hope everyone has a good week! 💙

#audiodramasunday #tell no tales #hfth spoilers #travelling light #malevolent spoilers #camlann #tmagp spoilers #small victories #hi nay

[moeblob]

I just really like him tbh!

#honkai star rail #trailblazer #hes a good boy your honor........ i love him.... #VERY stressed right now in my life and i feel like i keep not doing fanart and that stresses me out more? #cause i feel like people would prefer to see fanart on this blog #DESPITE the MANY times that MANY people told me hey man its your blog post what you want #its not that easy for my brain that lives off of validation and appreciation and stuff idk man #i just ............ feel like........... a weird mental obligation to posting fanart #but then im super burnt on fe stuff so i have been dabbling in other fandoms #which i feel is also a disappointment and that makes me feel bad #theres literally no point to these tags im just stressed and getting that out there #gotta go lie on my floor next to my cat bc shes struggling healthwise which im not gonna lie #is the majority of my stress right now

[puppyeared]

Atla live action 😐

#thats my honest reaction 😐 #to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid #like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat #or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already #good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive #to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil #i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better #but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because #it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak #and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but #come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and #makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality #i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was #IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys' #and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall #AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think #plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS #a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason #im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your #audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small #thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small #its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers #i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang #anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and #rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz #netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub #no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same #ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me #i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing #yapping

[hollowflight-propaganda]

I think it's time I change my bio to say it's been 11 years since I started to watch Ninjago.....

Gosh. Where's my senior discount on the lego sets, huh?

#I actually don't remember exactly when I picked up ninjago. I just know that it was april or may cause it was nearing the end of- #the school year #anyway this show feels like it's my best friend in all honesty. it's been with me for so long and at my loneliest #and to think that I've grown up alongside it. it's so weird #I have such a clear memory of like when just about anything happened for this show #s3 finale? I was sick but I still tuned into watch and CRIED #s5? I watched nearly every episode when it aired on cartoon network in my parents room cause my dad was using our other tv at that time #s8? watched it weekly in my grandparents basement and It Was A Ride #s11 finale? got to the episode at like. 6 am before I had to go to school and felt utterly disappointed there was no kai and zane fight #seabound? watched it weekly that one spring and IT WAS ALSO A RIDE #and that's not even touching the hours upon hours of fan works I've looked at #just. it's been such a long time. over a decade of my life that I've been attached to this show. and at the same time it feels like no- #time has passed at all #I actually first watched the show cause some classmates were talking about it and I wanted to be friends with someone so bad so I started- #to watch it and I Very Quickly surpassed their love of it #what a ride huh? now we're at a point where I can look this show and say it's genuinely good (THANK YOU DRAGONS RISING!!!!!!!!!!) #ok I'm done reminiscing. time to think about the newest scenarios in which to make kai suffer >:) #ninjago #phoenix prattles

[craycraybluejay]

Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.

#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape #or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil #unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them #which would be bad #but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell #i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her #but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this #its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently- #-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like #i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp #its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person #bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing. #even though i know im ok the way i am #i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya #cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again #i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people' #like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out #and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger #because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me #i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers #which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation #i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it #i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between #being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark #i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out #i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper #or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill #be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check #i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest #someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark

[deus-and-the-machina]

I feel like I keep seeing this happening but it frustrates me when a popular show gets hyped up then has some mediocre writing and people act like it's now become to worst thing ever. girl people stuck out for goddamn supernatural this is nothing.

#this is mainly about yellowjackets like yeah the second season wasn't perfect but it was also not as bad as some people claimed #I get you're upset nat died but that doesnt make it bad writing why are you getting upset at the explicitly dark show for not giving a #character a happy ending and there was the thing with the actor wanting to leave as well but outside circumstances aside I thought #the parallels of nat letting javi die for her vs not letting someone do that for her again were interesting #idk I just hate that it didnt take much for people to sour on the show like cmon it wasn't THAT bad #plus like. we still have the teen timeline she's still gonna be around as a character and ngl im more interested in that so maybe it doesnt #bother me so much but yeah. I cant really recall the last time people weren't upset about a character death and I feel there's a knee-jerk #reaction of calling it bad writing which I even agree with sometimes so im disappointed but not surprised. #siren says #writing stuff

[katyspersonal]

Okay okay I will stop talking about it I promise, but it is hard to explain how much strain, weight, fear and stress I've been under over one particular problem for a few months, and how strange the means of my liberation from it were. I've spent the whole week, or even more, crying, and I've fallen into extreme self-doubts and guilt. This time it was too much to bear and I wondered if I was in the wrong after all.

But like.. just very specific words and attitude removed ALL of that weight in a flash. Not only I felt much easier and free, but also I saw with my very eyes that I WAS right, I WAS in the right place and DID the right thing. I can't describe this. I knew that I would feel better and move on if I open my heart, but I didn't know in which way. Like.. imagine grabbing a saint (affectionate) from the local church (derogatory) trying to speak and getting "Oh wait no you haven't sinned, we just don't want heretics walking near our pure place 👍". It is like, disappointment and loss of all self-doubts that escalated for months, but also relief from fear and perceived hatred that kept sipping my HPs like a permanent status effect. And confidence in my purpose. I feel like I just can't share about it in a way that makes sense, but I experience genuine relief from pain and self-doubts so rarely that I can't keep it inside. It was a quick hurt to heal the permanenthurt, you know, kinda like how fixing a broken shoulder requires wild pain but it's quick? This was the biggest HUMANITY RESTORED moment I've had in a long while.

#personal #no context #vagueblogging #also no I won't stop making BB comparisons lol #this fandom is basically the healing church (the 'cool kids' that try to be leaders of the fandom- #-way too hard) the scholars (neutral/friendly quiet guys just doing their thing but- #-very often intersecting with the church) and the vilebloods (the rebels that say stuff church hates but- #-tend to attract most of the scholars ghjgjgj) #(ironically this division also perfectly matches the characters which factions tend to love) #this is way too funny to the point I can't stop describing things this way even in BAD situations #let alone the closest to good news Ive had in a while #(I am a very miserable person don't mind me) #like.. I knew I'd feel easier I just didn't know by what means #but yes I needed it. I know it doesn't sound flattering considering the “disappointment that heals” but- #-it really isnt it and isnt personal. it is just that everything FINALLY felt into right places. instantly. #and I still think he is kind as much as he could be my opinion hasn't changed

[haunted-xander]

It's fun to see how easier some things are as an experienced player rather than a newbie. I had SO much trouble with the snowboar king the first time I fought it, but here it's far less intimidating bc I actually know what I'm doing lol

#this is my alt in case that wasnt clear lol #i remember i beat it in co-op with my lil sib the first time and it was still hard #we kept swapping between whos going back to the heater just outside the area to make sure he doesnt disengage #like granted i was also lower ar & with low lvl unit the first time but still #(i also have better characters this time lol layla carries fr) #i did this while procrastinating on all the Big Quests btw. didnt feel like doing heavy story stuff so i explored dragonspine instead lol #anyway. playing from the beginning again has been fun! #especially bc it lets me use characters i dont have the time or energy to invest in on my main rn #like layla amd faruzan #(keqing & dehya too tho i dont have those on my main at all lol) #(also speaking of which) #(hot take: dehyas kit isnt nearly as bad as people say it is) #(sure its far from ideal but shes still perfectly usable) #(its fine shes fine even if her kits disappointing) #(anyway i should. stop probably.) #layla #keqing #bennett #dehya #genshin impact #xander rambles #video clip

[moe-broey]

At the risk of revealing I know very little about things in general, I really don't understand why Nintendo is shutting down online support for the 3DS/Wii U? Or that like, they can even Do That? Cause like, to me it makes sense that they'd have control and the say-so on the eShop, that's like, something they run as a company and Yes it absolutely sucks ass they nuked it for profit but like. Idk if I'll even phrase this right LMFAO but it seems like something they run themselves so it makes sense that they have complete authority over it. It's in their jurisdiction.

But like??? In my mind, if you have A Device that can connect to the internet it just. Should? Like I don't need a phone plan/data to use my old phone as a Youtube running device, as long as I'm connected to the internet. Like, the internet is a third party almost, one that you pay for personally and separately from any device you can use it with. I don't understand how Nintendo can intersect that and cut it off for their devices, specifically. Like, even if they have servers??? Idk how any of that works tbh I was just under the impression that if you have a device that you own and internet access. It's just those two things. Maybe it gets more complicated when it comes to games like Splatoon, but still....

#nintendo 3ds #wii u #no idea like. how else to tag this LMFAOO #i know jack about shit. full disclosure. #but like are they just being the apple of the gaming industry or am i missing something?????? #any which way it's a huge bummer. and it's gonna make some games like entirely unplayable actually #LIKE. yeah there is a single player campaign in splatoon that's a platformer. #but it is seriously SUCH a small part of the game. it is Not the main point of the game. so like as far as platformers go #you will be getting WAY less out of it than like. any dedicated platformer game. mario. sonic. ect. #WAIT DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET TO BUY CLOTHES TOO...... #you don't even get to play dress up with your inkfish. unbelievable. unplayable. #and like. personally i only own splat 3. but i do feel like this is still devastating news and a premonition of things to come long term 💔 #and don't even get me started on pokemon LMFAOOOOO #also hearing the bad news in how it effects 3DS FEs but i'm actually not super familiar w the online stuff there #it WILL be disappointing to not be able to add more avatar charas to your roster for funsies. i gotta get that sorted. #SAD.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness. #COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying. #even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat! #my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week. #I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T. #I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind. #<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

[slippery-minghus]

i want to paint, but autism is hungry and needs to be fed 8hrs of skyrim a day

#i'm trying to set up to paint bc i want to!! but every bone in my body says no #i'm gonna feel sad and disappointed in myself if i don't paint because i want to actually *do* something #and not spend this whole weekend having barely even scraped the surface of what i truly genuinely wanted to do #and instead just burn away the time looking at skyrim #i'm not even really having all that much fun playing it!!! but i can't break away from it #which isn't always a bad thing especially on week days but? on a long weekend where i want to enjoy myself?? #and i can't because my brain won't let me??? not fun!!! #painting is so boring and understimulating and my brain is way too foggy right now to think about mixing colors and layering #(secretly i don't even want to paint i just want to feel satisfied at creating a thing!!) (my brain is too fried to hold a thought long #enough to do the physical action of painting! it sounds wayyyy too daunting and taxing right now!!) #but if i spend this whole weekend having sat on my ass doing nothing will i feel rested? no!!! #but if i spend all my energy doing A Hobby will i feel rested? also no!!! but then i'll at least have something to show for it #i'm riling myself up and i feel like i ALMOST could make myself paint right now #but as soon as i think of what it will feel like to sit here and focus and move my hands to do the painting my brain screams NO #and sure i can argue i'll feel better if i do it i'll be glad if i do it and it'll be easier once i start #but this isn't the walk i took yesterday (that i was glad i took but still felt like garbage after) #i WANTED to take a walk. i was just struggling with the level of exertion i could manage (walk my neighborhood or drive 30min to the park?) #my brain is latching on to 8hrs a day of skyrim bc that's all i have the energy for #work has been killing me #and it's so painfully bright in my apartment but i can't close the curtains bc i need all the sunlight i can get #i WANT to have the energy to paint and enjoy it but i just don't.... (but i feel like if i Give In to the exhaustion then i'm #no better than my mom who just sits around all day refusing to live her life bc she refuses to take care of herself. #and calls sitting perfectly still—instead of actuvely managing her condition—'not letting her disability win') #(so i don't want to be that. i don't want to waste away like my mom bemoaning how i Just Can't when i totally can!!! #i could push through this exhaustion and hype myself up but the only thing i'm going to be thinking about is Am I Done Yet? Can I Rest Now?) #and i can't convince myself that 'just paint for 30min' is worth it bc mixing paint and setting up is Just So Much #enough that 'just 30min' is a lie and not a legitimate out if i need it to be #i need to commit or not do it. and i just can't......... my eyes hurt and i'm tured and i just wanna play my game #and all this indecision and feeling like i'm wasting time is just making me want to cry. im gonna close the curtains and boot up the xbox;( #personal

[codenamesazanka]

I feel for Shoji. I really do. And I get where Shoji is coming from.

Shoji doesn’t have seemed to forgive his town, only let go of his resentment. Shoji wants to make the world better. Shoji understands the anger and pain the heteromorphs feel, he doesn’t at all deny their feelings or experiences; he only wants them to channel it into something less chaotic and more productive. He doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, and he knows neither do the rioters. He’s got an eye out for how heteromorphs will be represented and portrayed, and it’s a somber, realistic take.

Most of all, though, he’s not trying to solve the discrimination issue, he’s just trying to stop the rioters, especially because he cannot afford to let the revolt be exploited by a Demon King trying to usher in a thousand years of darkness. What can be said in a situation like that? If I was in his shoes, trying to find a way to stop a revolt, I don’t know if I can. I’ll probably resort to rhetoric too, appealing to emotion. Please stop. This is a hospital. There could be collateral damage. No one wants that.

(This argument probably would’ve worked better if it didn’t seemed like such an underhanded move by the Heroes. The facts are:

Kurogiri is at Central Hospital. He has to be there because it seems that’s the only place they can do recovery research on him.

Heroes knew AFO will try to retrieve Kurogiri.

Heroes knew about a “call to action,” that a group of heteromorphs are going after the hospital.

They knew the hospital will be targeted by the riot specifically because Kurogiri is held there—

But for some reason they decided not to move Kurogiri elsewhere and make AFO redirect the mob, now nor they they decided to evacuate the hospital despite having days beforehand to do so.

Perhaps the Heroes underestimated the number of heteromorphs that would join in the fight. They can point out Kurogiri is in the Research Building that’s separate from the Patient Ward so maybe the mob would spare that part of the hospital. They can even say the Heroes were hoping the heteromorphs would refrain from attacking the hospital because they trusted in the heteromorphs’ better natures, which is nice of them! But, objectively, planning-for-worst-case-scenario-ly, goal-is-minimizing-the-amount-of-damage-ly, this-probably-won’t-happen-but-let’s-be-extra-careful-ly they really wanted to risk that? Apparently they did.)

But Shoji’s words still ultimately fall flat for me because he’s not actually proposing any change at all, not a hint of it. The rioters are there because they want something, anything to change. Shoji essentially tells them to endure nobly, without promising anything will be different at all. He’s just a kid, sure, he can’t make any promises, but unfortunately he is a Hero student (soldier) representative of the establishment. When he took up that mantle, he’s gotta answer for the system that had promised it would protect and save its all citizens but failed to do so. (In fact they might have enabled viewing heteromorphs as more Villainous.)

What happened 30 years ago? Did the massacres finally stop? The massacres that happened because non-heteromorphs felt like it, they felt uncomfortable around heteromorphs? Fast-forward to now-ish, and villages are still tormenting their heteromorphic citizens because they feel uncomfortable. I guess that’s improvement, because Shoji, Spinner, and PLF Speech Guy aren’t dead. But the scars left on Shoji and PLF Speech Guy are on their faces, their heads; the people that hurt them seemed to have felt free enough to not care about head injuries or leaving eternally visible scars that reminds them of what they did. The moment society collapsed after Jaku, all that old latent hatred came back. All Ordinary Woman wanted was safe shelter and was denied that over and over again. What on earth has ‘not being avengers’ done? The core of their bigotry and the unspoken allowance to unleash that remains.

(I saw a Japanese tweet that observed how a system that allows shelters to refuse heteromorphs probably means there are no laws that prohibit heteromorph discrimination in the [HeroAca] world. Makes sense, especially if you consider that these are government-and-Hero-schools-run shelters, as Best Jeanist proposed? Maybe there are also private shelters, but Ordinary Woman said she went to several and all of them rejected heteromorphs and there has to be at least one government-and-Hero-schools-run shelter in those attempts.)

I’m not saying the heteromorphs should rampage and destroy a hospital and be avengers - and in the end, they didn’t! It’s just Heroes gotta give them a promise of change, to especially if the Heroes believed in the mob’s core inner goodness. The heteromorphs are doing their part; what exactly are the Heroes giving back?

Overall, things are framed as inspiring when it really isn’t, and i really think the manga should acknowledge how Heroes risked the lives in the hospital either out of hopeful but calculated strategy or astoundingly stupid incompetence. And give the heteromorphs at least one solid promise of change.

#the town I grew up in had an active neo-nazi group #and made the Southern Poverty Law Center Hate Crime Watchlist several times #Nothing specifically bad happened to me or my family #but needless to say it was not a fun environment to be in #I get Spinner #but I also get Shoji #in fact i agree with Shoji more than Spinner #if only because I think destroy everything (Spinner’s choice) would probably be ultimately bad #or rather #I’m more in sync with Shoji’s feelings of positivity #than Spinner’s empty desolation #which is exactly why #the writing around Shoji disappoints me even more #at the very least make the speech and hospital and stuff practical tactics #instead of some kind of inspiration and moral gotcha #nalslastworkingbraincell #mha #bnha #HeroAca

[sovonight]

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#ohhhhhhh i really do dislike the tonal shift in bg2/tob so much........ and by that i mean mostly in xan's mod 😭 #i mean maybe the sense of betrayal and disappointment is immersive but it really leaves me with No idea what to do with him #in my version of radri's story. like. do i do my best even with all the parts i find ooc? do i cherry pick what i want and forget the rest? #and even after all my complaints i keep thinking back to his author. the fact that somehow this is the *intended* experience #currently feeling like the necromancer who resurrected their wife and is convinced she came back wrong but who just never truly knew her #i keep going back to 'estel'amin'. the fact that xan named charname his hope--and then quickly stopped using that name for her #once her bhaalspawn nature continued to affect her life after the conclusion of bg1 #so--basically--i'm to assume that he changed his mind? she's no longer his hope; his light; and if she is it's rare #he just calls her beautiful now; something far more shallow #and the fact that in tob he vacillates between subtly criticizing her for her nature which she has no control over #(and which in radri's case she has never even willingly given in to)-- #and attempting to comfort her after her nature makes bad things happen to her & around her #--but then his comfort is once again undermined by the aforementioned shallow compliments #it's coming across as 'i love your body despite what you are in spirit' and really isn't a great look at all #look maybe i'm crazy but in bg1 i got the impression that he was able to accept and move past it fairly quickly #like 'ok you're a bhaalspawn so now let's move into problem solving. obviously i have to quit my job and travel with you full time' #but in bg2 he spends most of his time lamenting about how hard it must be for her to live like this #while also pointing it out as a personal flaw of hers. as if she'd had any say in who her father was #like there are npcs literally shouting 'i hate all bhaalspawn!' and here he is--supposedly her closest supporter-- #also subtly saying 'i hate bhaalspawn' right to her face #when literally as a neutral alignment and as a companion of 1-2 years-- he should actually have THE most nuanced take on her??? #in bg1 he says murder is unavoidable in the life of an adventurer. then in tob he comments that charname kills everyone haphazardly-- #--as though in another jab to her nature. meanwhile as a constant companion he should know better than anyone that it wasn't so simple #idk. i'm almost feeling gaslighted by the narrative in a sense #because when everyone else talks about xan in bg2/tob--including charname via the dialogue options/written internal dialogue-- #they say that he's ~gray~ and calm and collected and emotionless etc #meanwhile he's literally the most emotional guy in the game. like. he's freaked out SO many times #so?? how am i supposed to take anything here genuinely?? how am i supposed to engage??? SIGH #anyway today's my first day at my new job and i have to wake up in 2 hours & im certain that i'll be too nervous to eat today #my goal for today is just to not be fired 👍 12 hours from now it will be over...

[todayisafridaynight]

I genuinely can never thank you enough for the past year. I can't express how much it's meant to me to be understood and have my energy reciprocated with someone on the same wavelength. Although I've been in the fandom for quite a bit longer than most people writing in, and longer than you, even, I can't remember the last time I felt this welcome and motivated. A TRULY embarrassing amount of my work's just been fueled by "oh Snap's gonna wanna see that," and of course that circle's expanded since then, but it probably wouldn't have had I not met stream chat through you, aaaaaand if I'm honest you're still up there... lol...

It's always, always a highlight of my day to see your your work, your posts, and your responses, whether they're to me or to others, and it's always a highlight of my week to be able to make it to streams! You're a huge inspiration for me, particularly in terms of your work ethic across the board. I always come out of streams energized and feeling like I can actually finish things, and usually this is hubris, but it's gotta count for something.

Not to be dramatic, but you kinda changed my life, no exaggeration. I still really can't see myself the way I was two or three years ago not just calling it quits after some of my Gaiden experiences... lol... but I'm still around, and like always, I wanna be able to write in and interact as much as I used to sometime soon. Thanks for everything! I hope RGGS continues to deliver so we can stay in touch :3

i cant thank YOOOOU enough for the past Xsome months or so. feelins ABSOLUTELY mutual in that i wasnt sure anyone else would really be into talkin bout rgg as you and i have (or would be willing to read my. miles-long scrolls of bullshit LMAO) so it's been real fun gettin to know you an everyone and chattin !!

most bafflin thin to ever to think i have good work ethic, i feel like ive been behind everyone for the past couple weeks and even with the things i do make it's really not up to snuff. it's always nice to hear that's not supposedly exactly the case :) I Suppose :^)

rgg community (like any community lbr) can be. An Experience, esp for someone with a position like yours. so im glad i can make it worth to hang around somewhat LOL

regardless, i always look forward to you next ask or the next time you leave tags on a post i make. if i ever bother making a post again ☠️☠️

#fave #snap chats #I DID SIT ON THIS ALL DAY OOPS #i got a bit busy with some stuff...... also i always try my best to write a sufficient response cause ill feel bad if i dont </3 #mad funny youre stoked for me to see stuff And I Am Always Stoked To See Stuff cause i got a similar sentiment towards you #i mean i TRYYYY not to get too in my head bout it since then i get paranoid but i always do hope on the downlow like #'ah man. hope this is funny. hope masu likes it. hope im shot for this one' VERY NORMAL things to want :) #so funny tho. funny timin of this ask i feel like ive been disappointin people an particularly yous #which 'snap that doesnt make sense please be happy with yourself for three seconds' which. NO?? no. impossible #but i do get worried im disappointing or being too annoying or yk. just being a pest or not being adequate #so it's fun/ny gettin this ask today all that considered LOL #I MEAN I KNOW EVERYONE BEEN NICE THE PAST DAY OR SO YK SO NO REASON TO THINK IT #i cant avoid thinkin a it... my number one bully is myself he Will Not leave me alone no matter how hard i try to complain to the board #the board also bein myself. i cant excommunicate myself from myself-- #REGARDLESS. very cool that i give you motivation :) esp after streams :) #every time i finish a stream i feel like i made an ass out of myself. ALWAYS HAVE FUN. but i feel at the cost of bein obnoxious #tho i guess theres no point stayin round if i was. lest its like Last Resort kinda deal then TRULY i am sorry im The Last Resort #ILL STOP WHINING FOR FIVE SECONDS TO SAY thank you :) for everythin :) both just chattin with me an all the work you do for the community #it truly is a lot and indescribable and its very cool i have someone like that who likes what i do. you do be the beyonce in walmart to me #to reference that post i rb'd last night LOL its still hard for me to understand but ig i dont have to understand it #i think i mentioned this before but i remember when id draw for persona (cringe ik) id mostly draw adachi (this is relevant Trust) #and this one mate one day was just 'snap its really nice how much. love you bring to the adachi community' #which is a hilarious thing to say since adachi sucks but POINT IS im glad i. i THINK im kinda doing the same thing now still #thats the consensus ive gotten the past couple asks.. lol.. its nice bringin people together and havin a fun and welcomin space :) #ILL WRAP IT UP HERE THO before i make people throw up. i kept this ask hoarded long nuff.. ill just hoard it in my chest cavity instead #once more thank you forever and always :) when we inevitability branch off to other things i'll always treasure all you've done for me