#what would Jack Aubrey do

[doctorcrabby]

Doing a 24 hour race and what is going through my head endlessly, for hours and hours and hours?

“oh the year was 1778, how I wish I was in Sherbrooke now…” Well, it got me through 😅

Also at about 16 hrs in I was seriously considering bailing altogether and my brain went “but what would Jack Aubrey do?” and the response was “He would never do anything this ridiculous in the first place!”

#ultrarunning #jack aubrey #24 hour race #aubreyad #too stubborn to know when to quit #what would Jack Aubrey do #wwjad

[lurking-latinist]

⛵

#I also keep seeing modern au aubrey-maturin art #that makes me wish I could draw and thereby contribute #unfortunately I can't even *write* modern aus generally. but I like transferring character dynamics from place to place in my brain #and I feel like I could do a university AU very nicely if I could do AUs at all #because I have had rowers in my class with as far as I could tell jack's exact personality #(unfortunately it has to be a US university AU because (a) that's what I know and (b) afaik nobody else does randomly assigned roommates) #(and I cannot pass up the opportunity for randomly assigned roommates. #OR RATHER #for 'you seem more or less human - quick let's request each other so we don't have to go into potluck' #I think that works best) #(but maybe they are both international students anyway. that works fine. & therefore extremely alarmed by potluck [can't say they're wrong] #sophie is a sorority girl. english major I think. and I can see her so clearly #(she's the part I want to draw) #she's not that into the high-octane social schedule her sorority expects her to have #but her pushy mother was a member and it is Unthinkable that sophie should not be #and a lot of the other girls are sweet :) so it's fine :) she says #feel like she has roommate issues (unlike her original self she is able to live away from mrs williams so this makes up for that) #so she's always over in jack and stephen's room. people who know her tangentially sometimes gossip about which one she's actually dating #(at that particular moment it is actually neither of them she's just hanging out with stephen) #diana freed from the shackles of 19th century womanhood creates even more and weirder drama than in canon #idk I just want to see the plot of post captain played out over text message #don't ask me HOW idk HOW i just want it #stephen is a biology major/pre-med obvs. if he can survive organic chemistry #jack is some kind of engineering major. I think he'd enjoy that with the math. diana has changed her major 7 times #(I don't know whether to put jack in rotc. I don't think it Actually actually fits - he's in the navy in canon because he's in the navy #not bc he's Inevitably Military In All Worlds. he would not want to do that if he didn't get to sail #but at the same time I find it hard to picture him not belonging to Discipline somehow. #it's more than a disinterested passion for cleanliness that drives him to wash stephen's mug for him that has had coffee and ramen in it #(and NOT in that order) #in the bathroom sink

[the-dog-watch]

Whimsical, chancy, female, lunar: yaoi and yuri in the Aubrey/Maturin series

the inherent yuri of the sea and the inherent yaoi of the sailor is the most ancient queer solidarity

- twitter user caranthirs. I would link to the tweet, but their account appears to be suspended (RIP)

This essay was born from a discussion prompt asking about the relationship between yaoi and reality. In answering I was reminded of the above tweet. Tongue in cheek as it no doubt is, it’s always really resonated with me and my own personal experience with yaoi, yuri, and queerness, such as it is.

First of all, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that there’s something kind of fruity about the ocean. A great deal of boat media, which is a term that I’m using to encompass everything from Moby Dick to One Piece, from Muppet Treasure Island to the Titan submersible implosion incident of 2023, is intimately concerned with this. One thing I’ve always been intrigued by with boat media is the inherent constraint, the inherent loss of control; even in our modern day, the ocean is an unpredictable element, and to this day it has depths that are literally unfathomable to science. There’s a certain powerlessness one has to give oneself over to to board a boat, and of course there’s timeless romance, endless stories and art and music associated with the sea.

I’ve been to the ocean maybe four times in my whole life, and I’ve always lived in an area of the United States that’s about as inland as it’s possible to be on the planet Earth, but I’ve long been fascinated with boat media, though I was not always conscious why I was drawn to it. When I was growing up I had a persistent autoimmune disorder that destroyed the vision in my right eye and from a very young age I was forced to sit still for various eye exams, procedures, surgeries. Because I was so young when all this started, I never exactly rebelled against it; if I was a fish, then this near-constant constraint placed on me was the water that I swam in. I was a kid who lived in my head a lot, and my head was filled with fantasies of escape. I used to make up stories and tell them to myself before bed, a kind of self-soothing ritual that saw me off to sleep. In more difficult times in my life, especially as an adolescent, this quite literally got me through the day; I would look forward to my little bedtime story, and sometimes not.

The stories differ greatly, but the one thing they’ve all had in common is they’re always about at least two characters who are trapped together, undergoing some kind of external trauma or abuse or privation, and together are trying to escape, but they never succeed. The reason for that is that the stories have no ending, by design; the “end” comes when I fall asleep. Sometimes there are self-inserts, but usually they’re about other characters, usually male characters. For a long time I didn’t exactly understand or think much about why I identified so strongly with these stories, which were sometimes original and sometimes elaborate works of fanfiction, sometimes erotic and sometimes not.

I was something of a late in life yaoi adopter; I was immersed in Western media fandom spaces and I viewed a lot of slash fandom initially with contempt, but based on what I’ve described above it’s maybe not greatly surprising that I became a big yaoi fan when I was around 19 or 20. I found it both enticing and alienating at once; I was a cis girl but I felt like I was a failure as a woman, and reading about or trying to identify with women didn’t always do it for me. There was something about viewing male as the default that was attractive; I remember as a kid, pre-internet, I would consciously look for books about male protagonists, though as an avowed feminist I felt obscurely ashamed of this.

Shame was an essential component of all of this, by the way. Both eroticized shame and the more down to earth, un-fun kind. There was always the question in the back of my mind: did I wish I was the man, or did I desire the man? There were similar questions about my attraction to women, which were even more disquieting in what they did or did not say about me: did I desire a beautiful woman, or did I want to be a beautiful woman? Shame was inextricable, and constant; shame about my nascent queerness, shame over how poorly I performed my own gender, and shame about being into all this yaoi shit in the first place. I had internet friends by this time, but I didn’t tell any of my real life friends about my online activities. I had an absolute horror of being seen as the type of straight girl (or bi girl, as I identified at the time) who fetishizes real life queer men.

Currently, I’m in the middle of reading Patrick O’Brian’s Aubrey/Maturin series. I fucking love it, and something about it has helped me square some of the circles involved here; discussing these books, with other fans online and with unwilling victims loving friends and family members has led me to reflect on some of the above in ways I never have before. It feels freeing in a way I never even knew I was constrained. To bring it back to the quote from the beginning, and also add a passage from the eighth novel in O’Brian’s series:

“‘With the wind as it lies, I believe we may look for them the day after tomorrow,’ said Jack. ‘But tell me, Professor, is not this a most prodigious wearisome ride you are undertaking?[...]’

'No doubt,’ said Graham, ‘but the sea is an uncertain chancy whimsical female lunar element: you advance one mile upon its surface and at the same time the whole body of water has retired a league. I prefer the honest earth, where my advance is absolute, however arduous…” - The Ionian Mission, ch.11, paragraph 50

This character, a haughty diplomat our protagonists are forced to deal with while battling it out with the French in a Grecian port, is not very important in and of himself. Unlike the two principals of the Aubrey/Maturin series, he is no seaman and has no affinity for shipboard life, and his uneasiness while onboard the ship is tinged with a misogynist mistrust of the Mediterranean itself. I prefer to take a horse, like a man, he seems to say, but you and Maturin, feel free to stay here in your gay little boat. 

(Sidenote/fun fact about Jack Aubrey: he has pretensions of being a horseman whenever he’s on land for any length of time, but he is in fact really bad with them and while riding is frequently unseated nearly but not quite as often as Stephen falls out of the fucking boat.)

That is one and this is another of the many, many ways Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin get kinda fruity with it; our two main characters are differentiated from landsmen (lubbers!) in this way throughout the series. The sea is dangerous, of course; Jack and Stephen, who face naval battles, sickness and disease, shipwrecks, storms, and volcanic eruptions on their voyages throughout the series, know this better than anyone.  As different as Jack and Stephen are, as different as two men can possibly be, what unites them is a niggling, persistent discomfort with life on land and this, coupled with their very great affection for each other, is why they choose to sail with each other over and over again. Though they came to it by different means, each of them finds that their true homes are on the sea, and with each other. 

The essential yaoi of the seaman, the essential chancy, lunar, yuri element of the sea…. There’s something about it that makes me smile. Yeah…the ocean. She’s a little gay with it. Who isn’t?

#jack aubrey #stephen maturin #aubreyad #the ionian mission #Thoughts On Yaoi #this is something a little different than normal #more of a personal essay vibe to this one #thanks for reading if you do. would love to hear what you think :3

[thekenobee]

if you smoke weed at sea does it make it seaweed

#Aubreyad #i think that's what Jack would say to Stephen #seeing him chewing on coca leaves #and doing laudanum #and opium #you know the usual #Jack Aubrey #Stephen Maturin #master and commander #my thoughts #on #seaweed

[sunnys-sonata]

Save me 🥲

#omori au #sunnys sonata au #literally the only reason i haven't posted anything about the au in a while is just because I'm losing it over every single character #and most of them aren't even important/canon to omori canon or they just have a miniscule appearance/role #there are so many side characters and jokes With these side characters it's not even funny anymore #i dragged characters from completely different universes that have a tiny tie to omori into the sonata verse bc i thought it would be funny #Little Jack from the old OLD Halkenna verse is in this verse- Omoboy is in this verse- there are characters that had NO screentime in here #there are plots for fights that aren't on the main storyline. there are alternate endings that were literally never touched on anywhere #not even in the disc server where i jot down my ideas #i have aus of aus and literally for what #honestly I think the funniest bits of side plot I've developed have to do with rococo having to deal with sbf making summoning circles #either that or just the clone hearts all roaming around the world being a weird family and also being an obstacle to the main group #everything else is just very scattered development changes and add-ons to characters i already had planned. both main and side characters #Shattered Omori got a very. dark? design change. Hero and Aubrey were both slightly tweaked. The Twins's fused form was HEAVILY updated #that fused form had a lot of notes added to it.. how their emotions work. how they speak. their height. abilities. basically everything #i. actually just have a lot of notes for the twins lol #what can i say. i think they're neat

[seaoreos]

the funniest thing about being bi and having a self-shipper partner + qpp who are both mainly/exclusively attracted to men is that when they see a neat woman they immediately look at me and go ‘bee you should selfship with her’ I love it

#sea thoughts #I’m some form of Demiro I think so crushes are hard to come by and especially ones that stick #so it makes me kinda sad in a way bc I wanna have fun and kiss fictional guys too! #I mean I already kind of do. Moxxi Borderlands is… c.cool #and also Holly and Butler :o) it’s polyamory btw. So cool #also I kind of wanna make an oc to kiss Mama amnesty?? That would be fun. I like her #why do I have like. A specific thing for women with thick southern accents who have butch swag. #I could also kiss Aubrey n Hollis too methinks. #also weirdly enough I have the instinct to ship my adventure time oc Princess wizard with raggedy princes?? #she deserves someone who will listen to her poetry #I think it’s pretty neat :o) #also the Mad Moxxi kissing would be ESPECIALLY FUNNY considering my boys selfship with HANDSOME JACK LMAO #The image of two couples walking side by side and the one person from each looks over at each other in absolute disgust with the #bisexual flag overlayed on top of them and an arrow pointing to them that reads ‘exes’. It’s that #the oc concept I have is a . I don’t remember the name for mushroom specific biologist rn but they’re that #That almost fucking died and fused with a sentient mushroom colony. Normal Pandora moment #they met Moxxi (before almost dying) because they went to her bar for (and guess what) #A PLACE TO WORK WHERE THEY WOULDNT BE BOTHERED LMAO #THEY JUST LIKED THE BG NOISE AND WERE LIKE “ok well I mean. It’s moxxi’s. People are here for… reasons. If I just sit all the way in the #back here where it’s dim people will leave me alone.” #And I think they end up staying til closing and moxxi almost misses the fact they’re there before she’s like “???who tf is this lanky littl #nerd doing WORK back here?? AT MAD ME’S?? HELLO?” #ohbmu god they’re rhack but yuri and less toxic. That was on accident. Oh my god #anyways something something a line from a fic I read once #”the only people allowed in the back room at Moxxi’s were either very generous donators or people who were as cute as a button” #Um. Yea #If you know what fic it is don’t look at me #I’m 18 now I do what I want. Bitch #Anywaysss back 2 work

[harlowcomehome]

The start of forever:

Series link.

A/N: The engagement fic is finally here! Thank you for being patient. This is a lengthy one! ◡̈

Jack helped you onto the private jet, grabbing your hand with his free one as you walked up the narrow steps. Things between the two of you had been a lot more calm now that you had your own place and had settled into it.

Neelam, Chris, Urban, and Clay were already seated and ready to leave when you two had finally boarded.

“Aubrey really hooked us up!” You giggled as you looked around the private jet at the custom leather interior. You had never been on a private jet before and were blown away at the opportunity presenting itself.

“Aubrey huh?” He let out an unamused chuckle knowing you only called him that to garner his attention making both Clay and Urban laugh to themselves too knowing how territorial Jack could get over you.

“Aubs. Aubrey. Drizzy didn’t tell you we are on a first-name basis?” You giggled as you sat down in your seat with Jack beside you. He seemed tense, flexing his jaw as you two took your seats. You noticed he seemed off all morning, wondering if he hadn’t been sleeping much. You knew he wasn’t used to taking time off, and had been incredibly overwhelmed lately chalking it up to that.

“You know I was joking right?” You reassured him leaning over to him and taking his hand in yours, giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. “What time did you get to bed last night? I don’t remember waking up when you got in” Your face wore a look of concern that he knew too well.

His demeanor changed quickly, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to himself. “Yeah, you were out cold! Snoring and all” he teased squeezing your ticklish knee and making you jump, you felt your cheeks get warm as the rest of the jet crew giggled along at you both.

Neelam was on ring duty, she had checked her bag dozens of times, worried the ring box had suddenly grown a pair of legs and gone missing. It wasn’t until Jack had given her a look of disapproval that she realized it might be obvious of her.

Looking back at everyone’s behavior this day was something you had taken note of later but in the moment you had no idea that this trip was going to significantly change your life.

••••

Jack had rented a romantic oceanfront private villa for the two of you, while everyone else stayed in another nearby.

“Baby, this is beautiful” You were nearly speechless as Jack set your bags down in the room.

“You like it?” He hid his enormous smile behind his hand. “I was hoping you would.”

“I love it!” You smiled as you took the room in, you had stayed in a lot of hotels with Jack but this was by far the best.

You were just getting settled when he pretended to receive a text, reading it out loud only hoping you wouldn’t want to look at his phone to verify. “Something came up. Hope everyone still has a good time” Jack clicked his tongue, pretending to be upset as he threw his head back.

“He’s not coming?” You scanned Jack's face for reaction, wondering if he was going to change his mind about being on vacation.

“Guess not, but that means we have more time to ourselves” Jack grabbed you by the waist and pulled you onto the bed, hovering above you as you lay underneath him. Drake had never planned on coming, he helped Jack with the private jet but otherwise, it was a ruse to get you here but that was a story he’d tell you much later.

“What about the song though?” You looked up at him, your eyes set on his lips as you waited for him to lean down and kiss you.

He shrugged before he kissed you, hoping it would also distract you from asking more questions as his stomach was already in knots. He was trying his best to keep you from noticing but it didn’t help that you knew him a little too well.

“Let’s not talk about work. Do you want to try out that pool?” Jack got up from the bed to open the blinds revealing the private pool on your patio.

“Thee Jack Harlow is willingly getting in a pool? Someone alert TMZ” you teased as you followed him to the window, wrapping your arms around his waist and leaving kisses on his bare back.

“I’m on vacation mode now” he blushed, trying to find ways to pass the time, knowing he only had to successfully get through the next few hours.

As you got changed into your bathing Jack sent a quick text to Clay, who was on “Layla duty.” Jack knew you’d want her there and she agreed to FaceTime your family who couldn’t make it in person. Hiding that from you was giving him excruciating anxiety and a wicked stomachache.

“I’m going to get in babe!” He rushed outside trying to hide his nerves, even when his voice cracked a bit.

“Okay, I’ll be right there!” You fixed your hair a final time before following him outside. He was leaning against the lip of the pool with his back toward you, looking at the ocean. You decided to snap a quick picture of him for memories sake before joining him in the heated pool.

“This feels so good” You playfully splashed him as you got in making him shutter as he didn’t expect the water to hit him, droplets dragging down his back.

“Don’t start. I’ll take us both underwater” he warned with a smile as you wrapped your legs around him. The two of you bobbed around in the pool together for a bit.

“Thank you for this” you sighed, looking over at the start of a sunset, his eyes still on you, taking in your beauty.

“For what?” He hummed, still distracted.

“Everything” You took his face into your hands, leaning in for a kiss. His kisses felt more desperate than usual, he was noticeably breathing hard in between, as his hands explored your backside.

“I love you, you know that?” He whispered as you kissed him once more.

“I love you too handsome. How long do we have until dinner?” You wondered what his urgency was about, your intuition telling you something was going on with him.

“Oh shit! Dinner” he pretended to forget, leaning over to grab his phone and check the time. He put his acting skills to the test, pretending to be frustrated by something he read on his phone. “Urban needs my help with something, while you shower I’ll go see what he wants” he rolled his eyes hoping to really sell it.

“Don’t you need to shower?” You laughed, wondering why he was so jittery, watching as he quickly changed into a lounge set of clothes.

“I’ll just take one in Urbans room” he shrugged, his mouth suddenly drier than usual. He gave you a fast kiss before you could ask any other questions and rushed out of the room letting you get ready.

Jack had rushed over to the restaurant he rented out meeting Layla, Urban, Clay, and his managers, Chris and Neelam. The color was completely gone from Jack's face as Layla gave him a big hug, she could feel the nerves radiating off of him.

“Hey! It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be amazing” Layla held his arm and made sure to make eye contact.

Jack nervously swallowed, “I know! I’m just— this is all happening so fast. Neelam, do you have the ring?”

Neelam nodded, showing Jack the ring box to ease his mind.

Clay and Urban exchanged looks, a quiet understanding from both of them. They knew Jack had never known a love like this. You had completely changed his life and on top of his career budding and growing at a rapid speed it was overwhelming but in the best of ways and sometimes that was intimidating.

Jack had arranged a beach-view dinner with a floral walkway, the finishing touches were almost complete, he just wanted to make sure he put a hand in it. He had placed the shimmery silver tablecloth on the table with shaky hands. He moved the flower arrangements and candlelight to where he saw fit, standing back and admiring the large three-foot-tall “Marry Me?” marquee sign he had paid way too much for.

Clay walked over to his older brother laying a hand on his shoulder as Jack turned to him and smiled. “You’re still FaceTiming Mom and Dad right?” Jack needed to be reassured that everyone knew their duties.

“Yeah, and Layla is calling Y/N’s family when it’s time. Don’t worry” Clay smiled knowing that would be the follow-up question.

“What if after all this she says no? Wouldn’t that be wild?” He smirked as his eyes widened to show he was only joking.

A boisterous laugh escaped from Jack, it was what he needed to lighten the mood.

He was worried that for some reason you might say no, and he had no idea why. You had spent the last year and some change talking about this exact moment, late nights intertwined in bed as you spoke about future kid's names and plans for the both of you. A part of him felt like he didn’t deserve you, he didn’t deserve a love like this on top of all his other major successes. Why was he so lucky? Why him?

“But seriously bro, I’m happy for you” Clay and Jack weren’t usually emotional with one another but he knew this was a special circumstance.

“Thanks, Clay, that means a lot” The two of them walked back into the restaurant as everyone was talking amongst each other.

“I just need to go shower and then it’s go time.”

Urban handed him his key card to his villa. “Your suit is in the closet, cologne on the counter.”

Neelam handed him the ring box, Jack thanked her before turning to the room. “I’ll text Layla when we are walking this way. Thank you guys” he left quickly, worried you were growing suspicious.

As soon as Jack left the room everyone started to discuss the events that would follow. Clay, Urban and Layla sat at the bar together while Neelam and Chris talked about logistics.

“I can’t believe my best friend is getting engaged” Layla broke the awkward silence before ordering herself a fruity mixed drink.

“Same” Urban mumbled as he looked through his camera settings to make sure he was prepared for the dark lighting. He wasn’t sure how to act around Layla, the feelings he had for her still confused him and now that she was seemingly going to be around for the rest of his life he didn’t want to complicate things more.

“I always thought I’d get married first if I’m being honest” Clay laughed as he threw back a shot of tequila.

“Same” Urban repeated earning a slight smile from Layla.

Layla's phone chimed making the entire room come to a standstill as all eyes were eagerly on her.

“Jack said he’s going to the room now to get her and we should all get in position!”

••••

Jack was vague about dinner, telling you it would be formal wear and that was the only detail he was willing to share. You had recalled FaceTiming Layla for her opinions before committing to a dress, and now that it was on you, you knew you had made the right choice.

Your phone vibrated against the marble counter as you finished putting the finishing touches together, quickly clasping your necklace on before answering his call.

“Is it dinner time?” You were starving and ready to get the night going, earning a chuckle from your soon-to-be fiancé.

“Hello to you too!” He laughed into the phone once more. “I’m around the corner, are you ready?”

“Yeah! I’ll meet you down the hall!” You hung up, grabbing your key card and a small clutch before taking a final look at yourself in the mirror.

Jack was eager to see you, his heart nearly jumping out of his chest as you walked toward him and down the hallway. You were always breathtakingly beautiful to him, but knowing what tonight entailed made everything that much deeper.

He took you into his arms, before pulling back and making you do a twirl for him, you were wearing his favorite color and a pair of heels he had bought you recently.

“You look beautiful, as always” he hummed before leaning in to kiss you.

“You clean up very nice yourself. Something about this suit really brings out your pretty eyes” you playfully giggled as you took his clammy hand in yours.

He blushed at the compliment and was worried you could hear his heart beating, the thumping was ringing in his ears as he subtly patted his suit jacket for the ring.

When you got to the restaurant you noticed the ambiance immediately, dim and covered in flowers. Jack had beads of sweat forming on his forehead as your breath hitched. You noticed a few photos blown up of the two of you, from when you started dating to now.

“Oh my—“

Jack started to speak, as he continued to hold your hand. His voice was shaky but he knew it was now or never.

“As we enter the room you’re probably immediately aware of what’s going on.” A nervous pitchy giggle laced with emotions came from his chest.

He guided you down the walkway, speechless as you realized what was happening.

The moment was surreal, you felt like the wind had gotten knocked out of you, in the best way possible. Layla and Clay were waiting at the end of the walkway with their phones up, Layla waved to you as you held back tears.

“Oh my gosh, Layla! Hi,” your voice cracked earning small giggles from the room.

Urban was capturing photos of the two of you as Jack walked with you to stand in front of the marquee sign.

“Jackman- baby, is this real?” your voice trembled as you stood in front of him. He smiled and nodded before clearing his throat to speak.

“From the moment we met on that rooftop, I knew my life would be forever changed with you in it. People always talk about that immediate instantly feeling of knowing when you found your person and with all the blessings I’ve had in my life, I didn’t think I’d be one of the lucky ones until I met you.” A tear fell from his eye, that you instinctively wiped away as he continued to speak.

“Waking up next to you, makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. Being with you has not only made me a better man but a better friend, son, artist, and person and hopefully I’ll be an amazing husband if you’ll have me. I want to choose you today and every day for the rest of my life.” His entire face was blushing, as you were fully crying now as he got on one knee.

“Yes! Yes!”

“Wait baby, let me ask the right way!” He couldn’t hold back his laughter as he pulled the ring out from his suit jacket pocket.

“Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, will you marry me?”

You were ecstatic, your cheeks hurt from smiling, your eyes stung from crying and you couldn’t have said yes any faster if you tried.

“Yes! Of course, I’ll marry you!” You squealed as the room roared with clapping and cheering. Jack slid the ring on the correct ring finger, standing up to kiss you as fireworks went off in the distance.

“Holy shit, we’re getting married?” You gasped in shock as you took another look at your finger.

“We’re getting married” he nodded, knowing this feeling was indescribable and that you were in shock too.

“You’re my future husband” your voice cracked as you kissed him again, he used his thumb to wipe your tears as you pulled away.

“You’re my future wife” he repeated back to you as the two of you held eye contact, the room was full of noise and people you loved but for you both, it felt like it was only the two of you.

#Jack Harlow #Jack Harlow x reader #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow blurb #Jack Harlow fanfic #Jack Harlow series

[aestheticaltcow]

What Happens in Vegas Doesn't Always Stay in Vegas

A four-part series about a drunken mistake and realizations starring our favorite neurotic chef.

Part 1 - Those are legal?

“I’m sorry, what do you mean ‘I’m married’?” Ellie questioned the FBI agent in front of her. “Well, with Jack’s security clearance, we took his marriage license application very seriously. Elanor Marks, you’ve been married to a man named Carmen Berzatto for the past eight years.”. Ellie turned to look at Jack, who was just as dumbfounded as her, “You two got married in 2016 at Quickie Vows in Las Vegas.” the agent handed Jack a folder. “Here’s all the information, sir.” Jack nodded without saying anything. 

“How did you not know you were married?” Jack laughed as he got into bed that night, “I didn’t think those Vegas weddings were like real marriages.” Ellie sighed, sinking deeper into their mattress. Jack frowned, realizing just how upset his fiance was, “Hey, get over here.” he opened his arms. Ellie sighed and scooted closer to him in bed, “This is one of the things I love about you, Ellie. You’re spontaneous and eclectic. You love life and have never said no to anything.” he kissed her head making Ellie sink deeper into his chest. “When I met you in Germany, I knew you were goin’ be my wife one day. This whole Vegas marriage thing is just a hiccup. I’ll call Bren, and we’ll get all of this figured out… you’ll get your spooky October wedding, I promise.” 

Ellie opened her locker the next morning and shoved her backpack in before sitting on a free chair to change into her non-slip shoes. “There she is, the blushing bride.” Ellie rolled her eyes at her friend’s greeting. “Hey, Maddie.” “You good?” “I’ve been better…”

Maddie shot her a quizzical look. “Wanna talk about it?” Ellie sighed “Do you remember Carmy Berztto?” “Wow, that’s a blast from the past…” “Yeah, that’s what I said… we’ve been married since that Vegas trip.” Maddie was lost for words, “You know what I have to feed my sourdough…” she awkwardly laughed, scratching at the back of her neck. “Lunch break?” Ellie laughed, knowing Maddie wanted to know what had happened that trip “Yes. I have so many questions.”

“CAB, you’re like the best.” “I don’t know ‘bout that, El.” Carmy laughed, taking another swig from his bottle of tequila. Ellie snaked her arm around his waist as the two walked down the Vegas strip. The two found themselves separated from the main group of friends they’d come to Vegas with; it wasn’t something unheard of for the two of them. “You’re a kid but got the fuckin’ James Beard! You’re the best.”Ellie hiccuped. Carmy rolled his eyes, “You’re only like a year older than me, babe.” Ellie giggled and playfully hit his chest. 

The two ended up sitting on the edge of a fountain, exchanging stories of childhood trauma and fears of the future between kisses. “My mom used to call me a whore back in high school-” “You’re my whore…” Carmy whispered as he kissed down Ellie’s jawline, making her giggle and hit his shoulder “You’re so stupid.” “Fuck I love you.” Carmy laughed, burying his head in her shoulder nipping at her collarbone. Ellie giggled and gently tugged at his hair “I fuckin’ love you too.”

In New York, this evening would end in sex on the kitchen floor or the ratty old couch in Carmy’s bare apartment. In Vegas, it was a different story. Neither Carmy nor Ellie realized who’d suggested it, but they found themselves at Quickie Vows. They both went through the motions, thinking it was the funniest joke in the world. The two returned to the group’s Airbnb and went to the backyard to get into the hot tub. The next day, Ellie got the call she’d been waiting for.  She was going to Europe to be a commis chef. After a quick stop in New York, Ellie was off and thought she’d never be back in the States, at least until she met Special Agent Jack Aubrey.

The two met in Germany five years ago; it was love at first sight for Jack. Ellie took a couple of months to warm up. He was everything Carmy lacked; he actively made time to be with her. They weren’t together out of convenience; Jack was proud to be seen with her. He encouraged her to be herself and grow as a person. But of course, Carmy needed to make one last appearance before Ellie could live happily ever after.

#carmen berzatto #the bear #carmen berzatto one shot #carmen berzatto imagine #carmen berzatto x you #carmen berzatto x reader #carmy the bear #carmy berzatto #the bear fan fiction #the bear fan fic #the bear imagine

[earthtoharlow]

Previous Chapter

SERIES MASTERLIST

THESHADEROOM

liked by 975,085 users

theshaderoom: Look who’s back! #Y/NY/L does her first interview since leaving social media for over a year! Y/N talks about becoming a mother and dating #Drake and ex #JackHarlow

“Sometimes, I look in the mirror in the mornings and just say to myself “Oh my God! Bitch you’re someone’s mother!” It’s hard work, but I love every part of it. “

Y/L continues “it doesn’t feel like work though, having Ariel has made me look at the world with a new set of eyes. This sounds spiritual, but I really do feel born again.”

The rapper/model couldn’t hide the smile on her face when asked about Drake!

“Aubrey, brings me so much peace. After everything that happened in my last relationship, the idea of a new relationship was out of the question. Starting a family with him has made me finally understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else. He was always meant to be the one for me.”

Additionally, Y/N reflects on her past relationship with Rapper Jack Harlow.

“I’ll be honest, the day his Vogue feature came out. I immediately called him. What people don’t understand is that I was with him for 2 years, we were planning our whole lives together. I won’t go into details about our conversation but after that I sat back, watched, and cried while letting them have their moment. Which hurt a lot but I’m grateful for it because now I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with.” Click the link in our bio to read more!

view all 14,689 comments

user: aw I’m really so happy for her

user: something seems fishy about them idk

user: see how y/n can do an interview and not talk shit about Jack Harlow?! Even though he deserves it!!

user: Drake can’t keep a women so they’ll be broken up soon

user: I know Jack and all his baby mamas shaking and crying

user: no wonder Stacey is jealous of Y/N

user: she’s so mature because if my ex was slamming my name in interviews I would raise hell!!!

user: she seems to be in such a great place mentally!

user: damn she’s really a mother

THATGIRLSTACEY

liked by jackharlow, haileybieber, kimkardashian, justineskye, chrissyteigen, oliviaculpo, neelamthadhani and 783,529 others

thatgirlstacey: that look when bitches can’t keep your husband name out their mouth

view all 5674 comments

user: girl, you need to be worried about if Jack had another baby on you

haileybieber: 🤦🏼‍♀️ tell me about it

user: yeah y/n is weird

user: so y’all can talk about her but she can’t?

user: y/n didn’t say anything bad about you or your relationship

user: you lucky y/n didn’t drag tf outta you both

kimkardashian: sending you love 💕

user: ok enough about y/n girl you look good af

user: bitches stay jealous

jackharlow: love running their mouth 🙄

user: you ain’t broken up with him yet?!!

user: you won, you got the man! Leave y/n alone

JACKHARLOWSOURCE

liked by 5,790 users

jackharlowsource: Jack Harlow and Stacey James-Harlow at the “White Men Can’t Jump” movie premiere!

view all 635 comments

user: my parents

user: damn sorry to hear that

user: they’re so cuuuute!

user: Glad to see they’re still together! I was getting worried especially with reports saying they separated!

user: she’ll never leave that man, same tbh

user: he was never that happy with Y/n

user: goals

CHAMPAGNEPAPI

Liked by yourinsta, icespice, partynextdoor, chubbsview, Beyoncé,SZA, urbanwyatt, druski, and 1,425,116 others

champagnepapi: I would clear a whole town for you 🤞

view all 836 comments

celeb: that’s twin!

celeb: love y’all!

celeb: now when something happens in Kentucky we know who did it 🤣

yourinsta: don’t play bout mine 💕

celeb: wipe that white boy like a snotty!

celeb: yeah they need ass beat

YOURINSTA

liked by selenagomez, saweetie, dojacat, sza, summerwalker, urbanwyatt, flomillishit, 1dessdior and 678,367 others

yourinsta: For him it’s whatever with whoever 🤞

view all 8,457 comments

saweetie: I know that’s right bby!

user: goals

user: yeah fuck Jack and his wife!!

selenagomez: 💕💕💕

user: love seeing you so happy

user: between Drake’s post and this one, I think Jack about to get touched 😵‍💫

SZA: 🤭 kill bill

TMZ_TV

liked by 996,468 users

tmz_tv: Details are scarce, but according to a report on Hollywood Unlocked Jack Harlow was celebrating the release of the White Men Can’t Jump reboot when he was punched in the face.

According to a source, the celebrity-filled after party was going well until Jack Harlow reportedly acted rudely towards wife Stacey James for unknown reasons.

A few guest tried to intervene but the situation got worse. He was confronted about his behavior to his wife and mother of his child.

The source told Hollywood Unlocked that a physical altercation occurred between the guest with Harlow leaving with a “bloodied nose."

view all 13,678 comments

user: HOLY SHIT

user: ovo crew definitely jumped him

user: deserved

user: imagine getting jumped in front of your family I’d cry

user: drake said he’d spin bout y/n and he meant that

user: I think this is just karma

user: what a dick

user: omg can someone check and see if he’s okay

—————————————————————————-

AN: damn that’s crazy 🤪 I’ve missed toxic Jack so much so I wrote this up! Next part of this AU series probably won’t be up until Father’s Day because we still have to find out if Jack had another baby 😳 so much drama

Tag List:

(message me if you'd like to be added or removed)

@heavyhitterheaux @hoodharlow @neon-lights-and-glitter @babiefries @toocriticalharlow @mace23477 @jackmans-poison @dstark-0706 @harlowsbby @itsyagirljaz @leftapricotprofessorlover @laylasbunbunny @ilyangelsxo @comehomeimissyou @minkookie95 @harlowcomehome @jackharloww

#jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x y/n #jack harlow reader #social media au #jack harlow instagram au #jack harlow #toxic

[aduckwithears]

Let's Talk Laudanum - a GO meta

Hey all - I'm gonna preface this one with a tw/cw for opioids, death, suicide, and substance abuse ok? It shouldn't be too heavy (just canon typical), but I don't want anyone surprised.

Ok! I've been watching some of the Good Omens s2 behind the scenes specials, and in the "Grave Danger" clip it mentions that Laudanum is "...a very intense kind of alcohol, or like ethanol, that would kill somebody…" which is not actually true. In the show itself we see the bottle:

Which confirms that laudanum is a combo of Opium (45 and 1/2 grains per ounce) and Alcohol (40%).

It also says Poison and CMOT Dibbler... The poison angle (is it poison? well yes... if you take enough) has been covered in another post by @queerfables who talked about the make up of laudanum as well. CMOT Dibbler is a great nod to Sir Terry of course :)

What do I want to add? That yes, laudanum is in fact an opioid, and was actually an incredibly popular and over-used drug in the 18th and 19th centuries, both in real life and maybe more importantly in novels of the time. Proceed under the cut!

In my non-duck life I work in a field with some familiarity with opioids, so I also want to add that while yes, opioids can make you loopy, they are ultimately a soporific (meaning a sleep aid, a downer, a relaxant), a pain reducer, cough suppressant, and a respiratory depressant. That last bit is why they can be deadly in the case of an overdose.

So let's get back to laudanum. Yes, it was used post-surgically, but quite often would also be prescribed to (predominantly) women with various aches or pains that their doctors couldn't (or wouldn't bother) investigating. Subsequently women would become addicted to the opioid, needing more and more to achieve the desired effect, leading to eventual death or any of the other mental, emotional, or socioeconomic ills of addition.

Given the above and the era's fascination with the "sexiness" of wasting diseases such as consumption (hmmm, cough plus pain, perfect for treatment with laudanum!) laudanum was also a little bit of a romantic drug. It was also popular in novels of the era such as those in the Gothic Romance genre. (A quick peek at Wikipedia turns up lots of examples... though I'm sure a literature expert of the era would have lots more to add.)

All of which to say! The Resurrectionists as a minisode is channeling some pure Gothic Romance (think Mary Shelley's Frankenstein - pub 1818, etc) so laudanum is the PERFECT poison for Elspeth to pick. It dulls pain and at sufficient doses suppresses the respiratory system to the point of death. Without the modern miracle of Narcan or naloxone, death is all but assured. Of course, then, enter Crowley.

You know what laudanum doesn't do? Give you an Alice in Wonderland experience and make you specifically shouty about people not killing themselves. Now, this could be how opioids affect demons (it's possible), or the more entertaining option is that Crowley has no clue what laudanum is or isn't supposed to do, saw the poison and alcohol label, and decided to have a bit of fun while doing some deniable (the laudanum made me do it! honest!) good. It's also handy that he doesn't need to do mundane human things like breathing. So he gets to sing about Scotland, save the human, and get hugged by Aziraphale - pretty good day... until he gets Lightning Sanded to Hell.

I'll just add here that the laudanum plot line works well if we are taking the minisodes at face value... OR if we are reading them as Aziraphale's version of events of the past, especially with the literary aspect.

Bonus: If you've made it this far, maybe you'll come along with me on a little cross-fandom jaunt.

I'm also a massive fan of the Aubrey/Maturin series - Patrick O'Brian's books set in the early 1800s and starring Captain Jack Aubrey and Doctor Stephen Maturin. If you've read the series or even watched the Master and Commander movie you may know... those two characters have their own odd couple thing going on and quite a collection on AO3 :) . Anyhow. In the books Stephen is hooked on laudanum for a good while, mostly to dull the pain of a love that cannot be acted on. That's actually what got me started thinking about this post since there are certainly some parallels there.

Thanks for sticking with me on this ramble!

#good omens meta #the resurrectionists #laudanum #tw opioids #tw substance abuse #tw death #1827 #good omens s2 #good omens 2 #the resurrectionists minisode #a duck talks #gos2 #good omens #aziraphale #crowley #tw suicide

[thethirdromana]

Ten Dracula covers, rated

The original first edition cover. Reminds me of Aubrey Beardsley's controversial Yellow Book, which I'm guessing wasn't a deliberate choice. There would have been a paper cover as well, which I can't find an image of. I enjoy the lack of information this cover is giving me. It's Dracula by Bram Stoker, what more do you need to know? 5/10.

IN HIS LIZARD FASHION. Points to the illustrator of the 1919 edition for choosing this iconic scene. Minus points for the gravity-defying cape and an oddly stout, comfortable-looking Norman castle. 9/10.

It's Whitby Abbey! When you think about it's a bit odd that Dracula is so strongly associated with Whitby when not all that much of the action actually takes place there, isn't it? I think I will deduct points for Dracula standing on top of the Abbey like Jack Harkness in Torchwood. 6/10.

The first of the Lucy covers, from 1927. I have so many questions about this. Why are her boobs so pointy? Why is her arm... like that? Why does Dracula have a Hitler haircut? 4/10 but thank you for trying.

More Lucy from Arrow Books, 1974. The most important thing to know about Dracula is that Lucy has shapely legs, apparently. The low quality isn't helping, but I have further questions about this one. Is that supposed to be a stone circle in the background? What is the lump on Lucy's right-hand side? Definitely in the wrong place for a boob, but I can't see what else it could be. Further minus points for the fact that Lucy appears to have a perm. 3/10.

Dracula the dandy! From the Modern Library, 1932, though the illustration is originally from a 1928 edition. I am deeply disappointed that they didn't include the straw hat. 2/10.

The 1933 Irish language edition. The yellow eyes! The cowboy hat! The cute bat ears! The fact he seems to be standing at an 80-degree angle! The adorable wolves! The tufts of hair implying a decidedly wacky haircut! It takes the Modern Library idea and makes it BATSHIT. 12/10.

It's never a good sign when you can't tell who a book cover is supposed to represent. I mean, I'm guessing it's Dracula given the bat-cape, but I'm not sure why he's gazing out from the top of some kind of deeply troubled tree like Caspar David Friedrich meets 80s romance novels. And what, exactly, has happened to his feet? 1/10.

Dracula as St Peter? 3/10, mostly because of its fascinating theological implications.

(yes I know they intended to imply Satanism but this is more fun)

YES YES YES. I don't know where this cover comes from but it's the most book-accurate by far and I love it. The hairy hands, the fingernails, the moustache - why settle for less?! The knowledge that this Dracula is about to be walloped in the face by a shovel-wielding solicitor at this precise moment seals the deal. 100/10.

#dracula daily #dracula #cover art #edited to replace images so they're a consistent size

[randomfoggytiger]

Scully and Matters of the Heart: S1-4

Scully's thoughts on love and relationships.

Fire

So, she shows up knowing the power she has over you and then she makes you walk through fire, is that it? ...Mulder, are you sure you don't need me to help you out on this one?

Gender Bender

Hard to imagine in this day and age someone having sex with a perfect stranger.

Lazarus

We dated for almost a year.... But it was always hard for Jack to relax, it was impossible for him, really. He was always so intense, so relentlessly determined.

Tooms

Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone else but you.

One Breath

Mulder? I had the strength of your beliefs.

Firewalker

["He stopped taking his pills. Yeah, he said that they were polluting his brain. And, he said I was polluting his body.... I just want to go home, now."]

Where's home?

["Anywhere but here."]

Aubrey

Things must be difficult for you now. I've had... feelings for people I've worked with. Inner-office relationships can be complicated-- especially when he's married.

Fearful Symmetry

["Whatever... connection he and I had was over long ago."]

But you asked him, anyway. To help you.

D.P.O.

Well, you don't have to be afraid anymore. You and your husband are safe as long as we can count on your testimony.

The List

Woman gets lonely. Sometimes she can't wait around for a man to get reincarnated.

2Shy

You're more than a monster: you didn't just feed on their bodies, you fed on their minds.

War of the Coprophages

Her name is Bambi? ...Her name is Bambi?

Syzygy

["Must be Detective White."]

If that's the reason we're sticking around, that's your business.

Jose Chung's From Outer Space

["...For, although Diana Leski is noble of spirit and pure at heart, she remains, nevertheless, a federal employee."]

Avatar

["He lives under this misguided notion that silence is strength. He's built a wall to keep everyone out."]

Including you?

["Especially me."]

Is that why you were separated?

Home

["I can tell you don't have no children. Maybe one day you'll learn the pride... the love."]

Unruhe

Why did your sister kill herself, Gerry? What did your father do to her?

The Field Where I Died

["Dana, if um... early in the four years we've been working together, an event occurred that suggested or if somebody told you that we'd been friends together... in other lifetimes, always... would it have changed the ways we looked at one another?"]

Even if I knew for certain, I wouldn't change a day.

Paper Hearts

["You do this full-time-- telling people this kind of news?"]

No, sir, not full-time.

El Mundo Gira

He didn't kill her, Mulder.... Mulder, I know you don't want to hear this, but I think the aliens in this story are not the villains but the victims.

Never Again

This circle: it usually starts when an authoritative or controlling figure comes into my life; and part of me likes it-- needs it, wants the approval-- but then at a certain point along the way I just... y'know.

Memento Mori

For the first time, I feel time like a heartbeat: the seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The numinous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not in youth but only in its passage. I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me, knowing that you will read them and share my burden as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart-- look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you-- is a comfort to me now as I feel the tethers loose....

Kaddish

And through all this he hid the ring?

["Even after the war, he hid it. Even from my mother."]

Why?

["Because to him it was a dead relic from a forgotten place. Until the day I told him I was getting married; and for the first time in fifty years, he took out this ring. He said he felt his village was being born again. He knew how much I loved Isaac."]

Unrequited

Mulder, what she has is a simple... hemorrhage brought on by her emotional state.

Max

["Can I buy you a drink?"]

No, it's okay-- I'm with somebody.

Synchrony

Lisa, if you're leaving anything out-- if you're hedging the truth, you could be held accountable if Jason committed a crime.

Small Potatoes

No, I'm seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder.

["Is that a good thing?"]

I like it.

Elegy

I mean, maybe in some drug-addled way she was trying to kill happiness-- Harold's happiness. His love for those women. Trying to destroy something she never thought she'd have again.

Demons

["Why shoot herself and her husband?"]

I can't say definitively; but judging from an almost identical suicide... I believe that the victims were suffering....

Gethsemane

Hey, look, just because I haven't bared my soul to you or to Father McCue or to God doesn't mean I'm not responsible to what's important to me.

["To what? To who? This guy Mulder?"]

Thank you for reading~ Enjoy!

#txf #meta #xf meta #mine #Scully #xfiles #x-files #the x files #S1 #S2 #S3 #S4

[thekenobee]

Part ∞ of ∞ most likely

#aubreyad memes #aubreyad #jack aubrey #stephen maturin #Patrick O'Brian #does anyone would like to be update on my Stewpid memes- if so then let me know in the comments! or reblogs #gosh I feel like a Ytber #but i dont have YT #i mean i dont have an ACCOUNT #i mean I do - you know what i meant #aubrey/maturin #aubrey maturin #age of sail #meme #master and commander #thekenobeeedit #my memes #DebauchedSlothPosting #books #master and commander: the far side of the world #m&c #in case you needed some cheering up <3

[basiatlu]

For the sleepover asks!

Your digital art is stunning; do you do any non-digital art and if yes what mediums do you use?

Do you have any headcanons about Luna?

If a celebrity were to play you in a movie, who would you cast?

1. Um you are so kind Ty Ty and I used to! Not so much anymore as it tends to be messy/take up space, takes more time. I used to consider myself a Jack of all trades sort (‘mixed media’ is a kinder way of putting it)

2. Luna Headcanons, ahoy~!

3. Self-cast? Lol I’m going to cheat and say a fusion: of Aubrey Plaza and Rebel Wilson

#ask game #sleepoverrrrrrrr #shushbosh

[nattinatalia]

Urban Wyatt x Reader Instagram AU

Liked by urbanwyatt, neelamthadhani, cozane, selenosunni, iluvsarahii, and 7,245,876 others

yourusername The main attraction 📌

View all 1,800 comments

neelamthadhani My favorite Harlow child 🤩

yourusername Am I really? Because you posted saying curly boy was your favorite.

jackharlow Jealous are we???

yourusername No, fuck off.

bo_jangless My fly girl 😘

yourusername 😊😌

urbanwyatt Way to give me credits 😒

yourusername 😭😭😭

•

Liked by urbanwyatt, jackharlow, claybornharlow, loganpaul, and 5,986,345 others

yourusername Happy 25th birthday to my amazing boyfriend, my best friend 🥳 I can’t wait till we make babies, but until then, we can continue practicing while I swallow them 😜☺️ I love you 😘❤️

View all 1,800 comments

urbanwyatt I love you

urbanwyatt Yes on practicing because we don’t have time for them right now!!!

yourusername 😊🤞🏼

claybornharlow WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK????

claybornharlow DELETE THIS CAPTION NOW

yourusername NOOOO

jackharlow Damn I didn’t even get a birthday post. & he’s your best friend ? Since uhh when? Fake ass

yourusername You’re not my man so why would I?

jackharlow WAIT PAUSE

jackharlow WTF?????!!!!!

jackharlow You’re so annoying bro can you stop.

yourusername 😁 I can just block you and Clay if that makes you feel better????

claybornharlow Why am I getting involved into this???

yourusername Didn’t you just leave a comment saying to delete the caption????

neelamthadhani Jack & Clay stop getting involve in grown folks stuff.

jackharlow Grown? She’s the baby 😒

claybornharlow I know you’re not telling us to stop acting like children when you literally act like a toddler when fans get too close to Jack.

yourusername AY YOOOOO!!!!!!

druski I know Jack and Clay having a seizure with the caption 😭😭😭

urbanwyatt They called me trying to make me delete her post.

yourusername Bunch of idiots

•

urbanwyatt added to their story

•

Liked by yourusername, neelamthadhani, druski, cozane, selenosunni, djdrama, and 7,356,876 others

urbanwyatt I wanna see some ass.

View all 1,800 comments

yourusername Baby, can you do it like that, from the front to the back 😈

mamamaggie Not the lyrics to your brothers song Y/N, now you’re being evil. I like it 🤭

jackharlow They are both annoying mom, can you make her stop?

claybornharlow Mom!!!!! Can you stop instigating?????

mamamaggie NOOOO

yourusername 🍰 I’ll always show you some ass, come here and let me sit on you real quick.

urbanwyatt 🏃🏼 🧎🏼‍♂️

druski Did you have cake for your birthday?

urbanwyatt The entire thing 😋 🤤 I dived into that!!!!

druski I’m talking about actual cake you nasty.

urbanwyatt Ohhh,,,, just a slice.

yourusername 🙈 lmaoooo

•

Liked by yourusername, cozane, selenosunni, neelamthadhani, and 5,886,456 others

urbanwyatt Birthday behavior!!!!!

View all 1,900 comments

yourusername BAAABEEEE!!!!!!!

urbanwyatt What???

cozane Not the head pic

selenosunni Prepare to d** Urb 😭😭

druski AYEYOOOOO

urbanwyatt Why are all of you acting like she’s actually giving me head? She’s just laying on ny lap.

neelamthadhani That’s what giving head is called now????

yourusername 😭😭😭😭

claybornharlow I’m sick and tired of you both.

jackharlow MOM mamamaggie you’re gonna allow this?

mamamaggie Outta pocket with this post Urban!!!!

yourusername HE DID IT NOT ME!!!!

urbanwyatt Okay little miss “idgaf what they have to say, post it.”

yourusername Don’t call me out 🙈

urbanwyatt Don’t throw me under the bus. You clicked post.

yourusername 😭😭😭😭😭

champagnepapi Baby Wyatt’s will be running around in no time at this rate!!!!

jackharlow NOOO ABSOLUTELY NOT

claybornharlow Aubrey, don’t put that out into the universe!!!!!

yourusername Something we can agree on!!!! We don’t want kids… not right now at least!!!!!

urbanwyatt One day though 🤞🏼🤭

mamamaggie I can’t wait to have grand babies 🥺

jackharlow Here you go 🙄

clayborbharlow But she don’t be saying this to us.

yourusername Because I’m the favorite one.

jackharlow You’re the favorite because you’re adopted.

claybornharlow Yea because she felt bad for you, that’s why you’re the favorite.

yourusername AND WHAT ABOUT IT???? IM STILL THE FAVORITE OVER YOU TWO!!!!

mamamaggie I have no favorites. I love the three of you equally!!!!!!!

yourusername LIES!!!!! But I’ll allow it since I know Jackman and Clayborn will probably call you crying.

jackharlow No I wouldn’t!!!!! 😞

claybornharlow You should’ve left her in the dumpster where you found her mom.

mamamaggie CLAYBORN!!!!!!!

yourusername Jealousy is a nasty disease, you should get that checked out.

user Im starting to think Jack and Clay really don’t like Y/N

urbanwyatt They love her actually, this has always been their thing.

mamamaggie Don’t let their little spats under the comments fool you. My kids love each other very much, My boys were happy when y/n came into our lives. The three of them are inseparable and will forever have each others back. They just love to annoy one another. But they really do care for each other.

yourusername Mom, don’t blow our cover now !!!!!!!

jackharlow 😭😭😭😭😭

claybornharlow Idk what shes talking about, I can’t stand her annoying ass.

yourusername You know what? I don’t have time for this. I have better things to do, like sit on my boyfriends face. K byeeeee ✌🏼

jackharlow Y/N HARLOW!!!!!!

claybornharlow 🤦🏼‍♂️

mamamaggie Ahhh, never ending cycle with my children!!!!

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[baabaapinksheep]

Kendrick-Drake Beef Playlist

(Disclaimer: All accusations between the two artists are alleged. As of 5/9/24, there has been no formal investigation regarding allegations of sexual trafficking, abuse to minors, illegitimate children, or domestic violence. Viewer discretion is advised.) Out of the loop? Here's the track list of disses in order:

1) Control (Big Sean ft. Kendrick Lamar & Jay Electronica)

Infamous enough that former President Barack Obama was asked who would win a rap battle between Kendrick and Drake. He chose Kendrick Lamar.

Bout who's the best MC? Kendrick, Jigga and Nas I'm usually homeboys with the same n---a I'm rhymin' wit But this is hip hop and them n---as should know what time it is And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big KRIT, Wale Pusha T, Meek Millz, A$AP Rocky, Drake

2) First Person Shooter (Drake ft. J Cole)

First response from Drake after Control dropped, this time featuring J Cole who completed the ultimate trifecta of today's popular rap artists.

Love when they argue the hardest MC Is it K Dot, is it Aubrey or me? We the big three like we started the league But right now, I feel like Muhammad Ali

3) Like That (Future, Metro Boomin, Kendrick Lamar)

Second response after FPS. Kendrick refuses to share the crown with Drake and J Cole and challenges them for the top spot.

Think I won't drop the location? I still got PTSD Motherfuck the big three, n---a, it's just big me N---a, bum, what? I'm really like that And your best work is a light pack N---a, Prince outlive Mike Jack N---a, bum, 'fore all your dogs gettin' buried That's a K with all these nines, he gon' see Pet Sematary

4) 7 Minute Drill (J Cole)

J Cole decides to beef with Kendrick after being called out in Like That. He quickly disowned 7 Minute Drill and days later apologized to Kendrick Lamar during a live show. Allegedly, after hearing that the beef between Kendrick and Drake was serious, J Cole bowed out of the beef because he thought it was a friendly competition.

He still doin' shows But fell off like the Simpsons Your first shit was classic Your last shit was tragic If he wasn't dissin' Then we wouldn't be discussin' him

5) Push Ups (Drake)

While J Cole ducks for cover, Drake moves forward with the beef, though it's also a collective diss to Rick Ross, and Metro Boomin. This is also where he drops Kendrick's fiancee's name, Whitney and makes fun of his height. You won't ever take no chain off of us How the fuck you big steppin' with a size-seven men's on? This the bark with the bite, n---a, what's up? I know my picture on the wall when y'all cook up Extortion baby, whole career, you been shook up 'Cause Top told you, "Drop and give me fifty," like some push-ups, huh

6) Taylor Made Freestyle (Drake ft. Tupac AI and Snoop Dogg AI)

Second shot at Kendrick, this was released on IG. Drake uses AI for this track, using Snoop Dogg and 2Pac to taunt Kendrick. 2Pac's estate demanded that the track be taken down as it was an unauthorized use of 2Pac's voice. Drake eventually took the track down, but the damage was already done.

Dot, I know you're in that NY apartment, you strugglin' right now, I know it In the notepad doing lyrical gymnastics, my boy You better have a motherfuckin' quintuple entendre on that shit Some shit I don't even understand, like That shit better be crazy, we waitin' on you

7) Euphoria (Kendrick Lamar)

Kendrick officially warns Drake that he has dirt on him. Euphoria is also a hit show about troubled girls, which Drake is a producer of. This is also the infamous track where KDot demands Drake lose his N-word privileges.

I make music that electrify 'em, you make music that pacify 'em I can double down on that line, but spare you this time, that's random acts of kindness Know you a master manipulator and habitual liar too But don't tell no lie about me and I won't tell truths 'bout you

8) 6:16 in LA (Kendrick Lamar)

While waiting for Drake's response, Kendrick shocks the hip hop world with a second shot a couple days after Euphoria, exactly on 6:16am (PST). This track is meant to spook Drake. Kendrick gloats of how he got his hands on a mole in Drake's entourage and they're feeding him scandalous information about Drake.

But let me tell you some game 'cause I can see you, my lil' homie You playin' dirty with propaganda, it blow up on ya You're playin' nerdy with Zack Bia and Twitter bots But your reality can't hide behind wifi Your lil' memes is losin' steam, they figured you out The forced opinions is not convincin', y'all need a new route It's time that you look around on who's around you Before you figure that you're not alone, ask what Mike would do

9) Family Matters (Drake)

A few hours after 6:16, Drake finally responds to the beef. He ups the ante by taking shots at Kendrick's family and drops that Kendrick beats his wife. Drake also threatens other artists who may be siding against him. This is also the most he's said the N-word in his song, taunting Kendrick for revoking his N-word privileges in Euphoria.

When you put your hands on your girl, is it self-defense 'cause she bigger than you? Your back is up against the curb, you diggin' for dirt, should be diggin' for proof Why did you move to New York? Is it 'cause you livin' that bachelor life? Proposed in 2015, but don't wanna make her your actual wife I'm guessin' this wedding ain't happenin', right?

EDIT: This post on reddit believes that Family Matters was the whole reason for the Euphoria drop. This is pure speculation, however, so decide for yourself the validity of these receipts!

10) Meet the Grahams (Kendrick Lamar)

Not even 45 MINUTES after Drake drops Family Matters, Kendrick responds, robbing Drake of his temporary triumph. He straight up lays waste to Drake's entire family, offering to be Adonis' mentor because Drake's a deadbeat dad, calling out Drake's parents for raising him terribly, and revealing that Drake has another illegitimate child, this time a daughter he's been hiding for eleven years. He also warns the female listeners that if they like Drake, they're exposing themselves to a predator.

Dear Aubrey I know you probably thinkin' I wanted to crash your party But truthfully, I don't have a hatin' bone in my body This supposed to be a good exhibition within the game But you fucked up the moment you called out my family's name Why you had to stoop so low to discredit some decent people? Guess integrity is lost when the metaphors doesn't reach you

11) Not Like Us (Kendrick)

24 hours after Meet the Grahams, Kendrick drops a new diss track, this time actively calling for Drake's life, saying he has fake street cred, called the people in his entourage pedophiles, and releasing the track just before everybody hits the club on a Saturday night just to rub salt in the wound. He calls out Drake on behalf of 2Pac and promises he has at least five more diss tracks waiting, knowing that Drake hasn't had the chance to respond yet. He also mentions Family Matters, which meant he wrote his responding diss in less than 24 hours.

Let me break it down for you, this the real n---a challenge You called Future when you didn't see the club Lil Baby helped you get your lingo up 21 gave you false street cred Thug made you feel like you a slime in your head Quavo said you can be from Northside 2 Chainz say you good, but he lied You run to Atlanta when you need a few dollars No, you not a colleague, you a fuckin' colonizer

12) The Heart Part 6 (Drake)

Also 24 hours after Kendrick's last diss track, Drake finally drops a response. He addresses some of the allegations, including purposefully feeding info from the mole to Kendrick about a daughter that doesn't exist. He takes a few more shots at Kendrick's relationships, implying that his partner Whitney hasn't denied the accusations of domestic violence. He also clowns on Kendrick's sexual abuse as a child and blames that on his witch hunt to prove Drake was a pedophile. He ends the diss saying that he was tired of the whole beef and he didn't want to fight with an alleged woman beater. As of 5/9/24, THP6 has more dislikes than likes on Youtube.

My mom came over today, and I was like, "Mother, I— Mother, I—, mother—," ahh, wait a second Wait a second, that's that one record where you say you got molested Aw, fuck me, I just made the whole connection This about to get so depressing This is trauma for your own confessions

_____

This is the BARE BONES summary of the long, bitter history between Kendrick Lamar and Drake. This doesn't even cover it all. This is just about the disses. I recommend looking up the history between them for more context in other places.

It's 5/9/24 and 3:00pm (PST) as of this post. Updates will be posted accordingly.

#kendrick lamar #drizzy drake #kdot #hip hop #kendrick-drake beef #euphoria #family matters #6:16 to la #not like us #aubrey graham #push ups #taylor made freestyle #meet the grahams #drake diss #kendrick diss #the heart part 6