#we were very very poor growing up but on the friday's my mom got paid she would bring home pizza and we'd play —

[willowser]

willow I did not know you were such a gamer lol

idk if i've said this before, but my original intention with this alias was to be a streamer LMAOOOO

#and do let's plays but just saying that feels like a thing of the past lmaoooo #now i will occasionally make stupid videos just for my friends he he #i get it from my mom actually !! #we were very very poor growing up but on the friday's my mom got paid she would bring home pizza and we'd play — #— all night long on the n64 she won in a dr pepper contest LOL #my favorite memories #i care about video games way too much sorry #✿ ask willow #✿ refrog

[not-poignant]

hello! *peruses unasked flower asks* ummm, if you could give me a Canna, Cock’s Comb ehheeh, Common Boneset, Norwegian Angelica and Rosemallows please! :)

(Okay I love that little eheh at cock's comb tho)

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

*

I do! A giant 'RESIST' in capital letters down the inside of my right wrist, that I actually got long before any actual 'resist' movements over the past few years. I got it around my 21st birthday (actually like a year later) mostly to mark all the things that I'd already survived at that point, and how much of my life philosophy is based off a position of resistance - resisting wanting to kill myself, resisting the darkest paths, resisting my own body when it grows tumours, and so on.

As it's aged, its lost some of it's sharp corners and stuff, but I still like it, though I mostly forget its there now. I'd like to get more tattoos at some point, but money is a big barrier, they're not cheap! (Which is good, because hopefully it means tattoo artists are being paid well).

*

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

*

I don't really know. I use Times New Roman the most while writing (I know, I know), so I guess that's my favourite because I'm voluntarily staring at it for hours and hours every single day. I hate Calibri and often have to force-change documents to another font to be able to edit them, if they come to me in that font. But I also used to write in Calibri, until I had the revelation that I hated writing in Calibri, lmao.

When I was a teenager, and had far less fonts to choose from, I was a passionate fan of Courier New and that's still my favourite font to set poetry in, which I think is an 'old habits die rather hard' thing, lmao.

*

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

*

I'm looking forward to thunderstorms, whenever they next come.

I'm looking forward to going down south with my mother, though I'm apprehensive about it too, and hope it goes well. I expect it will be exhausting, and an experience, and worthwhile. That's the end of July.

I'm looking forward to a week to myself and I'm not sure when I'll get one.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow (at least right now).

I'm looking forward to the next time we go to Kumo and have more of those Japanese souffle pancakes because souffle pancakes.

I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight.

*

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

*

I've always had...an interesting relationship with my mother. Though it's very good now. But there are lots of long stories I'm going to cut short here and say that around 11 or 12 years ago I was fed up, and sent Mum a lengthy email (because I couldn't trust I'd be able to speak clearly in person without breaking down and crying) saying that if she didn't get on board with acknowledging the PTSD and where it came from, and didn't confront her own demons in that, I was going to walk away from her and our relationship for good, and I already had my estranged relationship with my father to prove that I wasn't bluffing.

In retrospect, this probably sounds like an incredibly cruel thing to do, but I can't describe to you the years before that, my childhood, the things that led to me making this decision. Only that when I made it, I didn't know what else to do.

But then the most amazing thing happened, and unlike about anyone else in my family at the time, Mum got therapy, and she got help, and she faced her demons, and she decided that she was going to learn about her child instead of doing what she'd been doing in the past. And from there we grew a real relationship. And quite a few years ago now, we started catching up once a week, every (usually) Friday morning.

She's one of my best friends now, I love her to pieces, her bravery and courage in being willing to face up to some hard truths (including - among others - that my father and her husband was abusive), as well as her sheer strength recently going through breast cancer with such humour and grace only a short period after I went through my own cancer journey, like, she's such a role model to me.

I could never have expected that. I loved my Mum growing up, but I never felt like she knew or saw me as a person, which I don't actually blame her for, she sure was Going Through It herself, in a way that I could not appreciate fully as a child, because she protected us from those realities that she experienced and suffered through as best as she could. And now I think she really does try, as I try to meet her where she is in turn. And we see each other as people, not as family roles, and that to me...has an ineffable, lovely quality. Which is, incidentally, why I'm taking her down south for her birthday, so we can spend even more time together.

*

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

*

I don't know that I have one. Oh wait, I think...I do, so let's just preface this first though.

The problem I have here is that I've had a life full of depression and PTSD (no literally, my post-trauma started showing in early childhood), and both things can actually cause memory loss or poor memory coherence (unless the memories are traumatic! Do not recommend).

However, I have a glimpse of a memory between me, Glen and Putu, shortly before Putu was bound to leave for Melbourne (for good, he hasn't come back except to visit), where we spent the whole day together, except a break in the afternoon for me to sleep, because true facts - I cannot get through a day without sleeping for several hours in the afternoon.

There was something so golden and perfect about that day. I remember startlingly for me, sitting on the couch and tired and sore (we'd spent the day going to dim sum and then later walking around Kings Park) basking in a feeling I couldn't recall having felt before, and then I think I turned to Putu and Glen and said with some amazement, 'I think I feel content.' And Putu and Glen were like '...yeah...and?' and later I had to admit to Glen I'd never felt the feeling before. Golden and soft, like a cloud.

I think I've felt it once more since then, but I don't remember when. And I don't think I'd felt it before then, either. I would not wish my brain chemistry on anyone. But I'm very glad I got to share that moment with Putu, who is a very close member of my chosen family, for all that I don't get to see him very often anymore.

I can't strongly recall the feeling of the emotion itself. I remember describing it to myself in my head, in complete sentences, and those are the sentences I'm sharing to you now, because my verbal memory is much better than my emotional memory (I have quite serious alexithymia, which would surprise no one, but it's better than it used to be).

And I am relieved that my brain did actually hang onto the moment, mostly because I chanted to myself like a prayer: please don't forget this please don't forget this please don't forget this remember your position on the couch remember where Putu is sitting remember where Glen is sitting remember what you said and remember the time of day and remember what came before.

And, now, I do.

*

From the flower asks meme!

#asks and answers #memey goodness #personal #incidentally telling myself to snapshot a memory like that doesn't work #i remember words far better than feelings #and my memory formation is like #REALLY good in medical settings #and really not great if i'm just having a good time #though that being said i believe i've only felt contentment a handful of times #amazingly it's enough to mostly keep me going until the next time #it's just that 'the next time' has been a few years now #and i'm starting to think it won't happen again #but here's hoping it does #five lights on a very long string #are sometimes all it takes to keep you looking for the next one

[bambigoose]

Puppy Love - Tyler Seguin

The iron gates look like something straight out of the medieval ages, the intricate detailing never fails to take Mia’s breath away during the day despite their imposing stature. She’d moved into this community by per chance a little over a month ago and the judgmental stare of Mrs. Fredrick glaring at her currently stopped being intimidating on day one. That miserable old women had no problem letting Mia know she didn’t belong, not like she needed to be told, her older Chevy Equinox stuck out like a sore thumb in a neighborhood of range rovers, Cadillacs, and even a few Ferraris. Mia however knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Her mother was an angel and let her live with her until she was twenty six while she was working the nurse supervisor third shift at the hospital, paying off her student loans, and saving every cent she could with hopes of being able to buy a condo. Mia paid rent of course but it was about half of what she would have paid anywhere else.

Five months ago while searching on Zillow, in bed trying to fall asleep after her shift, her house popped up. It had been posted eight minutes ago and she immediately requested a showing saying she could do it that day while shouting for her mom to call out sick and come with her.

Four hours later, Mia was in love. It was a perfect little two bedroom house with an extra room in the basement that could make it three. Her mom had turned the house upside down searching for a reason it was on the market so cheap besides the fact it was about four times smaller than the average house on the street. Finding nothing despite checking every crack and crevice throughout the entire house, both Mia and her mom had their excitement grow. While having a discussion with the relator about the previous owner who passed suddenly at their summer home in Minnesota and their children were just trying to close everything quickly. Mia immediately put in the offer.

She met Mrs. Fredrick three weeks later while the woman continually walked her fancy poodle with her nose in the air around the entire street. Clearly she had less of a problem with the people moving in a little further down the street on the same day. Clearly they had money, based on the two moving trucks and friends luxury cars helping them move in. Of course according to Mrs. Fredrick his ugly dogs would be a problem in the neighborhood, but that was minimal crime compared to Mia moving in with only her three best friend’s and mother’s older cars.  Her nose went even higher seeing them unload a lawn mower, “You’re lawn will never meet the standards of the neighborhood.” The evil witch of the west finally disappeared after Mia just shrugged and stared her down.

Now she just took satisfaction watching her face scrunch up every time she pulled through and waved at her. She could only imagine the rumors she spreads about her being gone all night long most times. Pulling into her driveway, with her decently up kept lawn, Mia placed her head on the steering wheel and sighed. It was a long shift last night and in typical fashion she put off grocery shopping until the very last minute, forcing herself to have to go this morning in order to eat at some point today.

Stepping out of her car, Mia mentally debated whether to just lie down on the couch in her scrubs or expend the energy to walk upstairs to her bed and change into sweats. Opening her trunk, sleeping on the couch was looking even more appealing staring at all her bags. Resigning herself to making multiple trips, she headed in with the first one full of frozen foods, a habit ingrained in her by her mom. ‘Don’t let the frozen go bad in all this heat.’

On her return to the car she thought she could hear jingling as she past the driver’s door but she wrote it off. Turning around the tail end she was greeted by a chocolate lab whitening around his nose and tail wagging a mile a minute in her trunk laying on the cool spot where the frozen food was had just been.

Mia melted on the spot. “Hi baby! Where’d you come from?” She asked leaning down accepting the slobbering kisses all over her face. Her Golden Retriever used to do the same thing before he pasted, if someone opened a car door while he was outside he’d jump right on in. “Where’s your family buddy?” Pushing down a little hard while rubbing his ears, she got an even more enthusiastic tail wag and a tongue rolling out of his mouth.

“CASH! Where are you buddy?”

She heard shouted out from up the street, as his ears perked up. “Cash, is that your name buddy?” Getting one last lick he took up off the street, “Bye bud!” Mia laughed grabbing the last of her groceries before slamming her trunk door shut.  

**

Daylight savings was the ban of Mia’s existence. All she saw was darkness during the winter months; she might as well as move to Alaska with their twenty-one hours of darkness. A surprising winter blast had hit Dallas the past few days in October so she took a deep breath bundled up in a sweatshirt and scarf. All her winter clothes were still in the attic and she couldn’t convince herself to pull them down just for a few days.

Closing and locking her door she headed out into her usually abandoned street. Tonight though she could hear whispering toward the end of her driveway, “Gerry you gotta calm down bud, how are you still this hyper.” Looking up she could spot a man in what looked like a suit with a dog walking across the street from her house.  The dog appeared to be dragging him along popping from flower bed to flower bed smelling everything. Mia giggled quietly to herself, unlocking her car. The click and lights turning on brought their attention to her.  

The dog was clearly an excitable yellow lab, Gerry she believed it was called. The tail was wagging so hard she wouldn’t be surprised if his handsome suited owner would have a bruise on his knee tomorrow morning. “Gerry no.” The command was useless, Gerry had already taken off across the street at her legs, his poor owner practically running in order to not end up face planting on the ground.  

Mia dropped to her knees and readily accepted the puppy loving. The lab was so excited he was bouncing in place, weaving in between her legs before settling on her feet, head leaned back against her knee with the puppy dog eyes. She continually waved off the apologizes his owner was giving. “Hello love! Aren’t you just the most adorable puppy ever?” Scratching up and down his sides the lab start talking to her. Little yelps and excited yips coming out of him each time she rubbed him down. “Shh… gotta be quiet buddy. Mrs. Fredrick will come out and yell at me and your dad. She already hates me enough as it is.”

“Ahh… you’ve met the wicked witch too”came from the suited man, mischief shining in his eyes eliminated by the street light. Sharing a laugh he reached out with his hand extended, “I’m Tyler.”

“Mia. Would it be offend you to know I prepare to refer to you as the puppy father?”

Surprised laughter left Tyler, his eyes crinkling while his face scrunched up. Mia dropped his hand, not realizing how long she had been holding on. Last thing she ever wanted to do was make someone uncomfortable like that, her anxiety was rising just thinking about it. “Well I’ll just have to refer to you as the beautiful nurse.” He says pointing to her ID badge.

“Your daddy is a flirt Gerry.” She says leaning back down to his level getting a slobbering lick all up her face. “Your dogs clearly enjoy slobbering all over me.” She laughed.

“Dogs?” Tyler questioned, trying to think back if he had meet the cute neighbor before. The boys commented on her every time they saw her. The yard work in the yoga shorts and tank top was a particular favorite of the team, especially when working on her flower beds.

She looked up at him locking eyes, “Yes, Cash visited the trunk of my car just last week.”

Tyler went white, he was sure Cash had only taken off into the woods a bit, not all the way down the street and into someone else’s car. “I am so sorry. I can’t believe he…”

Mia cut him off, “Oh he was a love. Not to worry, my last name isn’t Fredrick, your cute dogs and their puppy loving kept you out of trouble.”

Tyler smirked, “Will the cute dogs and puppy loving be enough to get me a date with the pretty nurse?”

Mia looked down towards Gerry, “I don’t know buddy, should I go on a date with your daddy?” Unbeknownst to Mia, Tyler was actively regretting not listening to Jamie and teaching his dogs silent commands. He was banking on Gerry’s excitement and mentally promising him treats should he get him this date. His hopping paid off, Gerry licked her in the face. “I think that means yes.” Mia laughed. “Well puppy father, my next day off is Thursday, but you have a game the next night. Would it work if we do something before your curfew?”

Tyler’s eyes widened like saucers. “You know who I am?”

“If by that you mean know you’re the man with a ton of puppies that lives up the street and happens to be particularly skilled in hockey, then yes but I mean everyone has to be good at something right?”

Tyler release a breath, “And what are you particularly good at?” he joked.

“Loving on puppies, napping, and walking out on conversations so I’m not late for work.” She counted off on her fingers. “I’ll see you Friday?” she questioned.

Tyler smiled, “Come up around five? I’ll order us in something, that way you’ll stay for the entire time. Can’t disappoint the dogs by walking out on them.”

Mia beamed, “So what you really mean is I get to eat and go on a date with the puppies. You clearly know that way to a ladies heart sir.” She scratched behind Gerry’s ears “I’ll see you and your brothers on Friday for our date buddy and I guess we’ll let your dad tag along.” She waved goodbye, hopping into her car and reversing out of the driveway. Tyler watched her go until the tail lights disappeared.

Mia was finishing up her yard work Friday afternoon, she checked the clock sighing, there was about fifteen minutes before she needed to head in and shower for her date with Tyler tonight. She ran into him the next day and numbers were exchanged. They had been talking all week, him sending her different pictures of the dogs every day with reminders not to disappoint them and Mia was excited for tonight.

She grabbed her water and sat down on her steps with her eyes closed and face turned to the sun basking in the warmth. After a moment she felt something wet against her knee. Eyes opening she laughed seeing Marshall, the only Seguin dog she had yet to meet at her feet. “Did your dad send you down here to remind me about tonight huh?” She leaned forward and scratched behind his ears. Marshall galloped up the stairs and leaned against her side, “You’re just a cuddle bug, those young ones trying you out buddy.”  

Throwing her arm around Marshall she pulled out her phone, muting the music and opening the camera. She flipped the camera around and snapped a quick shot of them. Sending it to Tyler Lost dog?

Jesus, I’ll come down and get him.

Petting his side Mia looked at Marshall, “You wanna go home buddy or should I tell your dad I’m stealing you?” Marshall shook out his body and leaned heavily against her. Mia chuckled, “Staying with me then I guess.”

Nope. He’s mine now. He’ll escort me to yours later :P

You’re trying to steal my children.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

“Come on buddy. Let’s get cool inside the house yeah?” Mia called standing up, Marshall following behind her closely. He was practically attached to her hip. She almost tripped over him heading up the stairs. Sitting down on the edge of her bed she tapped the side next to her. Needing no further invitation Marshall hopped up and curled up almost in her lap. “You keep doing this I’m going to call you cuddle bug.”

Slipping out from underneath Marshall she gave him another ear scratch before heading into her bathroom. She made sure the doors to both rooms stayed open in case Marshall changed his mind and wanted to get her attention to leave. She showered quickly, debating what to wear throughout the duration. It was a first date but it was also only at his house. Her anxiety was spiking slightly in worry. Taking a deep breath she told herself he thought you were cute in baggy ugly scrubs everything else you own is better than those.

Rubbing a towel through her hair, Mia throw it up into a messy bun before brushing her teeth. Deciding just to do light makeup she was finished in just a few minutes. Returning to her room in order to check in her friend she paused in the doorway smiling. People say depressed people tend to have more blankets and pillows on their bed, in which place she must be denying the truth but Marshall does not seem to mind at all. He had all but tucked himself under her fluffy blanket, leaning up against her pillows with the ceiling fan circling slowly above him. He raised his head to look at her with a tiny tail wag when she headed to her dresser. "What should I wear cuddle bug?" Marshall was zero help, he just continued to sit there staring at her.

"So jeans and a tshirt with a pullover sweater sounds good then." Slipping into her clothes she nudged Marshall off the bed. "Let's go cuddle bug. Time to see daddy and your brothers." Mia would swear she saw Marshall sigh the same way older siblings do when resigning themselves to watching their little siblings for the evening. The duo walked up the street together never further than three feet apart. That would continue throughout the rest of the night. Tyler had to fight the dogs in order to weasel his way next to Mia on the couch.

…..

Mia sighed pulling into her boyfriend's driveway. Tyler and her had seen even less of each other lately. The hospital had been all hands on deck as the flu ripped through the area leading to a higher than normal admit rate and the Stars were in the middle of the season. Tyler's coach had harshly called out him and Jamie not to long ago so they were practically killing themselves at the practice rink.

Tyler had tonight off and Mia felt awful cancelling their plans to go out at the last minute but truthfully Tyler was relieved. Both of them could use a night on the couch with the dogs and food brought to them.

Turning off the engine, Mia waved to Mrs. Fredrick who of course was even more disgusted with her and Tyler now that the were dating and committing sins staying at each other's houses most nights. As per usual Mrs. Fredrick stuck her nose back up in the air huffing away with her miserable poodle.

Unlocking the door Mia laughed hearing thuds through the hallway. Pulling her phone out from the back pocket of her scrubs she started recording. The post on Instagram was the most liked of the year. Tyler and the dogs rushing down the hallway all but tripping over each other was one of the most hilarious things she had seen in a long time. The best response to her caption which puppy missed me more was Jamie's posted seconds after it went up.

The one with two legs.

#nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fic #nhl hockey #tyler seguin #tyler seguin imagine #dallas stars #dallas stars imagine #hockey writing #hockey fanfiction #hockey imagines

[aonrivers]

Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 01

Recently I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For nine months I read articles and expectations of things to happen and to come, but honestly nothing prepared me for the truth of it all. Sure my friends told me some stuff, but nothing like what I experienced.

I’ve decided to write the nitty gritty of it all along with tips for new moms that I wish I had too. This is going to be major TMI, but when you've given birth, nothing seems like TMI anymore - especially because in the labor room you've got about ten people you've never met before (yes, even your doctor) staring at your asshole and your crotch. With introductions out of the way, are you ready? Here we go!

Part 1 of IDK how many...

Truths about being pregnant:

1) First and foremost... Officially remove negative people in your life the moment that stick says positive. This is Tip #1. I planned on doing this for months before I got pregnant but being pregnant pushed me to do it sooner. I was tired of being stressed out and having negative things told me by certain people in my life and I wasn't going to have it continue during one of the most stressful and most beautiful times of my life. I closed the door on many friendships during my first few weeks and even though it still bugs me that I had to do it, I'm glad I did and recommend others to do the same (even when you aren't pregnant). 2) Tip #2 I can offer is either before or during your pregnancy, plan a vacation. I was on vacation when I got pregnant and planned a trip with my best friend when I hit mid third trimester (would've been sooner but 2020 was a hellish year for the world). 3) I bought a belly book after a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant. My friend recommended it and it was really cool to document every week and my thoughts and post my belly bump pictures, but then second trimester hit and the book was wrong... I ignored it until the third trimester hit and it was wrong again. What was wrong with it? They claimed my trimesters started in certain weeks that were 2-3 weeks off. I Googled my trimesters and checked multiple sites - the book was wrong. So I finally said screw it and created my own. I bought a scrapbook (use a Michael's coupon, that shit is expensive) and I began to craft my own book. 4) A huge suggestion: take those belly bump pictures!! It sounds silly but it's super cool to have. Not only do you get to see your belly growing, but you can put those pictures in your scrapbook like I did. I took the same pose in the same place every Friday. Then I found a really cool app that you could put words on your images and ended up doing that for my Instagram posts. 5) My 3rd tip is make sure you have a really good relationship with your doctor and they believe in the same things you do. I think this is important because I wasn't happy with the thought of being pregnant with my normal doctor then I ended up not being happy half the time with the doctors I went to while pregnant. I wish I had that doctor patient relationship you think every pregnant lady has. I kind of had that with my crazy, beady-eyed doctor I had seen for thirteen years, but when it came time to have a child, she just didn't align with me. She was pro everything I'm not and became a little too radical for me. Be who you wanna be, believe and think what you wanna believe and think, but don't push that shit on me - and that's the direction she started going. So in the end, I left her and went with my friend's doctor... Who happened to have 5+ doctors and a midwife.... Midwife was cool and maybe two of the doctors, but the rest I wasn't a fan of. I didn't even know the doctor who I gave birth with and it was very impersonal with the doctors I saw during the checkups. For example: one doctor would come in, glance at me, talk to me while staring at the computer screen, then leave. I also didn't get ultrasounds done with them, only heartbeat checks. It just wasn't a journey with them like I thought it would be and should've had. Now speaking of those sweet black and white first photos... 6) Sonograms are beautiful things to have. I got a nice picture frame for my second trimester image and have it on my dresser with a cute doll and my childhood music box. Treasure these little pictures. Take pictures of them to keep and reprint because the ink will fade on the ones the tech gives you, but for the love of God, hide your personal information when you post them. Sonograms say your name and birthdate, along with where you got the picture taken then more information on your child. It irks me to no end when people post this online. Especially on Twitter, which is a public forum. Shit. I didn't even post that on my private Instagram. 7) Next Tip: Call insurance to confirm multiple things, such as: what's covered during pregnancy/hospital stay/postpartum, if the hospital is covered, and if your Pediatrician is in network. Just because the office says "yes we take Aetna/UHC" doesn't mean they're in network. 8) Something that I will be telling everyone I know who is pregnant (which honestly isn't many) is scourge the internet for those pregnancy sites. Most sites and stores offer sample boxes. If you start a registry, they send you one too. Try: Amazon, Babylist, BuyBuyBaby, Walmart, Target... The list goes on. Check What To Expect's website for a list of all the sample box sites. I got about ten boxes that all had great stuff inside: bottles, pacifiers, breast milk pouches, diapers, lotion/shampoo samples, wipes, pads, and a few other smaller things. I honestly haven't used any of it, but plan to soon. 9) A great tip my friend told me was to go on those breast pump sites and check to see if your insurance is covered. My insurance ended up covering up to $300 for a breast pump. Of course I went with a $300 breast pump and paid an extra $30 out of pocket to have a few more parts included in my purchase. It was a great idea and is highly recommended for new moms to take advantage of! (I went with Spectra for a few reasons... It's definitely quieter than the Medela pump (the hospital had this one), and there's a nifty nightlight on the pump handle with two settings. It's super useful and I actually use the nightlight feature every night...) 10) Another great tip is to make that baby registry and share it!! People you don't expect will buy stuff. I used Amazon and got a bunch of perks. After my shower, I bought the rest of my stuff with the discounts Amazon offers. It was 2 bulk orders where both had 15% off entire order. I also get discounts on diapers for a year or, I think, the equivalent of $600 spent. Both perks were extremely helpful. 11) FYI, pregnancy is ten months, not nine. They tell you this in articles on The Bump and What To Expect, but I figured I'd say it anyways. 12) You won't miss your period during this time. I sure don't. 21 years so far is long enough for me. 13) The nausea is real and it sucks. It gets to the point where you don't wanna try for baby number two because you're just so over it after being sick for three months straight. 14) Nausea doesn't mean you're hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up the only food that doesn't make you sick. You can just have that knot in your throat all day that's teasing you about having to throw up. Not fun. 15) Being tired is also real and I have no idea how working moms-to-be do it. I work from home, so taking power naps was easy to do. Most of the time, I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it took about three months to find out why... (see next number) 16) YOU'RE NOT ONLY GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE YOU BUT A FREAKING ORGAN TOO!! That's right folks. The placenta isn't just chilling inside you waiting for the day you get pregnant. It's growing right alongside your little baby, taking your nutrients and energy so it can form and power up your little embryo/fetus. 17) If you're a vivid dreamer like me, the dreams are definitely weird. They tell you this, but for me, my dream self becomes pregnant too. I literally went through my dreamworlds pregnant. 18) Boobs hurting is an understatement. My boobs hurt so badly from the hormones and getting ready for milk that I didn't even wanna touch them when I was showering. 19) Your boobs become hideous. I have small breast - a nearly A has been my measurement in the past, but becoming pregnant, I became a large B - probably going into a small C cup. And not only did the boob itself get bigger and veinier, but the nipples got bigger and darker (confirmed by my friends, doctor, and websites that women experience this change). I honestly don't recognize my boobs anymore. I also don't even know why I wanted bigger boobs growing up. They suck. It's not the backaches (I didn't have any while pregnant, surprisingly), it's the fact that when you sleep on your side, that boob gets crushed and goes numb. 20) Boobs leak as they start forming that first collection of milk aka colostrum. So be aware. Being braless is great but those milk stains aren't cute. And it's not like a normal wet spot either where your nipples are. It's a wet stain with a milky ring around it making it totally unattractive. 21) Your nipples will become numb aka no stimulation. At least for me. My nipples are still numb but I guess it goes without saying why (think about it). 22) On websites, they will tell you that your cervix swells and some women enjoy sex more with their new closed off vagina, but not for me. It hurt to do anything down there. My husband and I had one position available and when the bump got bigger, we became celibate. And boy does the guilt take over... So expect this to happen - you're not alone if it does. 23) Your sex drive may be gone. As I said above, I swelled up down there and it was very painful having sex. With that, the sex drive was killed. My poor hubby suffered through these nine months and continued to suffer after birth because- well I'll get to why suffering continues after birth later. 24) Craving food may not happen for you. I didn't crave anything unusual. The only thing I ate on a daily basis were two English muffins with butter. On weekly basis I had three scrambled eggs on those two English muffins. This occurred maybe 2-3 times a week. Other than that, my "cravings" were the same. I wanted Taco Bell and all the other normal stuff I ate when not pregnant. 25) Paranoia for what you're eating will definitely hit you. Guilt will too. Paranoia because you're checking Google to see if you were allowed to eat that pasta with garlic sauce; and guilt because you're eating crappy junk food and feel like you're depriving your baby of nutrients. But like my friend told me, your body provides the baby what it needs and to stop being paranoid. Also those prenatals pack a punch in vitamins. 26) This isn't really nitty gritty or a tip... it's just something I personally did while pregnant and that was - I stayed away from the foods they tell you to like the high mercury fish and cold cuts, but I ate hot dogs and medium cooked beef. But those meats were cooked 170°+ which they recommend if you wanna eat your normal foods. You can also eat cold cuts but it's highly recommended they're warmed up. These meats contain listeria which is something we can defeat by ourselves but our little babies in the womb have difficulty in doing. Another thing I did in regards to food was I stayed away from foods I was allowed to eat but made me sick when I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't want to deal with the sickness. 27) Sleep however tf you want to sleep and that's exactly what I did. Sleeping on my side is not something I do when not pregnant and certainly didn't happen while pregnant. That is, not until the last month or two. I'll elaborate... I'm a back sleeper. I slept on my back and felt my baby every night tucking into one side of my belly because it was comfortable for her. It wasn't until those last months where the weight of my baby was actually pushing on my spine and yes you can feel it. It's a heavy pain that forces you to side sleep. 28) Those pregnancy pillows are shit. Seriously. They're bulky and annoying. My friend bought me a super nice one that went under the head, down the back, and cupped between the legs and I used it for five minutes. I'll find use for it one of these days - maybe gift it to my friend who is due in April - but right now it's just taking up space downstairs. I tried the slanted pillow for my belly. That lasted a month. What did it for me was that silly "As Seen On TV" pillow. It's that white, guitar pick looking pillow you shove between your knees to keep your legs leveled and your spine straight. That's literally the only pillow that helped me when my belly got huge. My bed worked out in my favor cupping my bump. 29) Being pregnant in the summer isn't that bad. Granted I had AC/Central Air the entire time. But seriously... You know why it also wasn't so bad? I could wear tank tops and dresses. Those were my maternity clothes. I bought maternity leggings for $4 when Kohl's had them on sale. They sucked. The belly piece went over the belly nicely, but the back road my back fat in a very uncomfortable way (and I don't really have back fat). Also, flip flops were my Godsend. When my feet swelled, flip flops were all I wore. Can't do that in the colder months! 30) I basically became a heater. Probably because I gained 4lbs of blood and water and a baby and whatever else was going on in my body. I normally sleep with a fleece blanket and a comforter; even in the summer. I could only use my fleece blanket while pregnant. I was surprisingly warm enough. Which leads me to the next sleeping factor... 31) Sleeping naked was a must. Here's why... Besides being hot all the time, waistbands hurt me and shirts bugged the crap outta my body. 32) Being commando all the time was a must. It was super nice being commando. I didn't have to worry about a period making a grand entrance and the waistband and around my thighs weren't hurting. 33) A nice buying tip: the baby grows super fast. And if your baby is born in the fall or winter, chances are the stores only have summer clothes. So make sure you get those larger outfits for the months to come! 34) Ask for larger clothes for that baby shower. It'll help down the road. 35) Shaving stops when you can no longer see down there and when you can no longer bend comfortably to shave your legs. Of course that didn't stop me before I went to the hospital. I cleaned up the best I could from the belly button down, but still managed to miss that one spot on my damn kneecap! 36) Back to baby... Flutters start being felt really early. Feels like gas but it's the baby. They say 16 weeks but I was feeling the flutters at 12 weeks. After the flutters came the kicks and jabs, and the constant wondering if I had a mini Mike Tyson in my belly. Especially when my belly would convulse like she was using my organs as a punching bag. I came across only one random article that explained what that was... Hiccups. Yes, the baby gets hiccups in utero and if your baby is like mine, the damn things continue outside the womb annoying your little bundle of joy like your own hiccups annoy you. 37) Sometimes you'll panic when you don't feel the baby moving much. Babies in the womb still need sleep I was told. If you get no movement at all within 24 hours no matter what you do then definitely call your doctor. (Your doctor should tell you this during a visit.) 38) I was told this: babies hear you and mostly everything around you outside the womb. This is true. My baby would move from her comfy right side to the left just to get closer to where my husband was talking to her. 39) Third trimester is when everything starts getting real, possibly painful, and definitely the feeling of "I'm over this". They mention this on those websites and they're not joking. 40) Every night I popped two tums just to keep the acid reflux down and the heartburn away. They say major heartburn means you've got a hairy baby and they weren't kidding (more on this later). 41) Waddling actually does occur. At first I felt like I was just doing it because I'm pregnant and subconsciously I'm making fun of pregnant ladies you see in movies. But you really do waddle and wonder if your walk will ever be the same again. (Spoiler: it does.) 42) My feet and legs swelled by my 8th month. They were slowly swelling into the third trimester but it was super noticeable towards the end. But I also ran into a health issue which I'll get to later... The swelling actually hurts. It feels like you're walking on water bags and on top of that, the bottom of your feet feel like you walked all of Disney World nonstop for a week straight. Do yourself a favor and put your feet up and rest. I hardly did this. I just had so much stuff I wanted to get done and I don't like asking for help, so I did everything myself until it got to the point where my husband or mother-in-law were yelling at me. 43) Getting a cold while pregnant sucks. Coughing and blowing your nose is kind of hard because you start to worry that your upsetting your baby. Plus, now you gotta think about medicine. What's safe and should you even bother... Luckily your doctor gives a list of safe medications. 44) Swelling in the feet could be something completely different than just the normal "things to expect in your third trimester" so be aware and prepared for problems that can arise that you weren't expecting. Like what happened to me. Even though those monthly appointments turned weekly get annoying, especially when you gotta drive thirty minutes to your appointments, they're not pointless. In week 38 I had protein in my urine and my blood pressure was high. The protein was not a UTI like what I got when I conceived back in December. That protein was a glimpse into something pretty scary if not caught early during pregnancy. It's called pre-eclampsia. Luckily I was two weeks out from my due date so inducing me wasn't too big of an issue. My baby was fully grown. Only way to get rid of pre-eclampsia is to remove the placenta - hence the early birth of my baby. But some mom's aren't this lucky and lemme tell you something. This was something that was never brought up to me during my doctor visits or on the websites I visited. They don't tell you that pre-eclampsia can happen at any point or that it could come back, and possibly worse, in your next pregnancies until you've been tested positive for it. I was in the hospital for five days after giving birth. My kidneys, heart, and platelets were all affected. Thank God I'm cleared now, but knowing about this ahead of time would've been nice. I could've looked for signs which were massive swelling in legs and feet (luckily I had no headaches or blurry vision). But like I said, I was tested positive late in the game. Some mother's aren't. Part 02 will go into labor and the TMI things that go on when you're admitted into the hospital.

#pregnancy #birth #nitty gritty #blog #post #postpartum #childbirth #child #mother #new mother #mom to be

[countessgreytea]

I stumbled upon a forum and started reading through some MM threads.  One anonymous poster had some interesting things to share in a thread from late September 2018: 

So, I volunteered/worked for the DOS during the end of her toronto years and the transition. I don't like to bash black industry because I feel it's vital for us to make our own opportunities and grow our own wealth, but this tea is absolutely true, and then some. Certain power players would absolutely fawn over her when they met her with her ex husband and when she went to audition would literally laugh in her face. I will defend her against anyone calling her a hooker. That's absolutely untrue. She made a lot of her extra money by befriending fashion people and ultimately getting paid for appearances at dinners/red carpets. She was an opportunist, but honestly if it were a dude, we wouldn't be judging him the way people judge her. I can honestly say that the relationship timeline given to the public regarding Harry is false. If you find that interview with her ex's mom and read between the lines, you'll see it. She has historically not been great with timelines. If people have questions I can answer a few. I'm still in touch with her because I've moved on to work for her friend who is very much in touch with her.

.....

So she and CV (the ex) were as good as engaged even around the end of April - they were both at my birthday dinner. CV is engaged to a singer and they have a baby on the way - that's how ready he was to start a family. He's a really good guy. Even now when I go in to one of his joints and he's around we chat and he offered his family vacation home for me to take my mom for a week. I don't often say this about white men, but I really respect him, he reminds me of my dad. It's a little hard to believe now, but she was more of an earthy Cali girl pre-prince, so they weren't super serious about a formal engagement. CV was totally head over heels and the only reason they were waiting was bc meg really wanted to branch into movies and do something meaningful before settling down with kids and moving into a travel/food show. "Think Bourdain meets Nora Ephron meets hippie chic" is what I wrote in my notes when we were writing up a proposal. I was actually really excited about it, I was going to work on the show. Priyanka Chopra has sorta copied the idea and but changed it so she meets famous people lol. (I have PC tea too, someone point me to a thread and I'll post). Prinze was seeing someone. I hope you'll respect that I won't spill bc that could get me into real trouble. He and nutmeg actually met in the run up to invictus, she "wanted to help" but this is code for wanted to make connections. When they met sparks flew and basically she was like damn issa prince and made her moves accordingly. There was a month between the breakup and the first date and the breakup actually wasn't "final" it was "just a break." She said she was feeling like she was in a rut. From date #1 onwards it was a whirlwind. It was really lovely to watch two people fall in love but very tough bc I knew what had gone down prior. As far as I know she is not pregnant, she is doing IVF though and it has caused a little bloat. That's why her clothes are rarely fitted. She'll be pregnant towards the end of the Aussie tour if all goes as planned. She is very calculating but I really respect her game. For example, that story about the corgis laying at her feet was planted bc white people love anything to do with dogs (I mean, so do the rest of us but white people don't have great attention spans, let's be totally real). She has a natural strategic intelligence from her mother. I cannot say enough wonderful things about her mother. Oprah and Iyanla got nothing on her, imo. This prince thing is the first time ms.meg did someone dirty since I started working for her. She secured the bag, so good for her, I guess.

.....

Made moves - set up the Wimbledon appearance and "happened" to be at the soho house hotel so prinze and her could see each other again. It's a hotel that the public doesn't have the same kind of access too. 

.....

about the engagement interview, and the corgi anecdote:

Oh girl, you don't even know what I did for that interview. Just because Harry told the story doesn't mean it wasn't planted. They planted in the interview so that people would go "aww." Think about the placement of that anecdote - right after they spoke about meeting family and how they'd spent a lot of time together in the past 1.5 years. The story was to push that narrative over the edge by associating it with a sweet story.

.....

Someone replied that MM was in Mexico when PH was in Toronto ahead of IG:

My girl, this doesn't mean we didn't reach out and get in touch with the invictus team. The Internet issa crazy thing!

.....

Whether PH knew about CV:

I actually don't know much about this side of the story - I worked for the DOS, not the prince. I never had access to her personal texts or anything. From what I felt though, I don't think he knew exactly how serious they were

.....

Sure! Auntie Dee has been through a lot in her own life. People haven't looked much into her own childhood, but there was family tension and abuse, but she never let that get her down. She was quick to compliment on good character "thank you for your honesty" "thank you for your grace" "i admire your strength." She really is crazy about yoga though, she says it helps preserve the body. She is not at all judgmental to people who do yoga the first time, including myself, and doesn't like that white women culture vulture yoga from Indians - she is fierce about respecting heritage. She loves gardening. She is lowkey a very strong Christian...idk how that fits with yoga tbh but she's cool with it. She is completely self-made and raised up several black women and other women of color in her professional life (yoga and social work and other artistic endeavours)

..... About the article with CV’s mom : “Mrs Vitiello surmises that Meghan and Cory had been apart for about three months before she first met Harry.”: 

Regarding that Daily Mail article: the specific wording is surmised. The meaning of the word surmise is to suppose something is true without having the evidence to confirm it. I know the person trying to poke holes in my tea won't believe it, but that specific word was fought over and eventually money was paid in order for that specific word to be used.

.....

I could be wrong here - I'm definitely not in her inner circle anymore (professionally there is no real room for upward movement, I started working for her blog so I could eventually work in digital publication and PR). I also know nothing about IVF - I just heard from my boss (her friend) that it causes bloat and it's really unfair that people judge her. I know for sure she is on IVF bc she needed an injection during her trip to Toronto and her PPOs were unhappy and my boss talked about it a lot.

.....

There are a lot of royal "rules" that the family must abide by that aren't normal for you and me, including medication. The physician must be present alongside the assistant to ensure that the shot has not been tampered with, etc. Remember, British royalty goes back to the days of people poisoning each other regularly, there are still archaic rules. I don't know more than that, I'm only peripherally in her life anymore. 

.....

someone asked about PH/MM’s dynamic:

I only saw the beginning, until the move to London. They are both demonstrative, but just from knowing her, I can tell she's a little more cautious in public - she doesn't want to seem too American/gauche. She'll probably relax as she has kids and sinks into her role, you know? It's tough to be totally yourself when you have so many eyes on you.

.....

Do the BRF like MM?

All I've been told is that they love her but they way it's been said seemed like the person who said it was trying to convince themselves as well as me. From emails and coordination purposes, "the firm" aka the staff took to her really well and Prince Chuck liked her a lot too. 

.....

What happened in Toronto with photographers before PH made his statement?

People were trying to break into her house and get onto the Suits set. She jetted to London one evening and eight hours later the statement had been released. It was released like 6 AM ET, I believe. 

.....

Her husband, as far as I know, was not a good dude. She never went into specifics but the person who worked for her prior alway said to forward any emails from him to her lawyer. Their relationship was not good. 

.....

About Suits, and were other family members at her wedding:

She speaks to the women and Rick, not so much Patrick and Gabe but was genuinely on good terms with everyone. I think she misses it, she tries to be normal by going about doing the same things she did in Toronto but I don't think it's the same. It's okay, she's a princess, she'll survive. Other family members were there, yes. 

.....

Oof, where you got all this sourness from? No bankruptcy, no jail (though she did work at correctional facilities). I think the living with her dad thing was just because of proximity to her school. I believe she spent Friday to Sunday evenings with her mom. 

.....

Her offering help with IG:

So she was not volunteering the way you or I would volunteer, but she was reaching out to ask whether she could lend her knowledge of Toronto and relationships with people there to help make things run smoothly. It's not really work, it's basically just talking lol. All these celebs who say they are the UN ambassador for whatever just go on paid vacations to poor folks' homes and film themselves being selfless aka playing with kids and then "lending their support" aka throwing a bit of money or "having high-level conversations." They were both in relationships at the time they first connected and the time they first met. She was looking to see if there was an opening for her, if that makes sense. The "first date" they talk about combines their first meeting and then the actual date after he expressed interest (they broke up with others to date, but remember, DOS told her ex that it was a break because she felt she was in a rut and not feeling connection with him). They definitely were texting a lot before the real first date.

.....

I never heard anything about this - if it's true, my apologies to the poster. I did not know everything about their lives. Doria did not strike me as someone who would file for bankruptcy but I know that many people "aren't the type"

.....

As far as I know Kate is cordial to DOS but you would really expect her to make more of an effort. There seemed to be some jealousy/distrust apparently. 

....

is she close with doria?:

I think they played up the closeness a bit during the "courtship" but from what I saw, they certainly became closer during that time too. I can say that she had been taking care of her mom financially when I was around.

.....

I know when she gets angry she tears up and gets very quiet. 

#mm #mmphbi #meghan markle #mine

[kylorenpunk]

Well I challenged @masonjar828 to do this ask meme like 200 years ago and he challenged me back but I’ve been busy so here we are. 

200: My crush’s name is: don’t have one. men suck. 199: I was born in: Mickey Mouse’s lair aka Orlando 198: I am really: trying not to make a self deprecating joke rn 197: My cellphone company is: Not being disclosed bc I don’t need stalkers 196: My eye color is: brown 195: My shoe size is: 8. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be taller than I am bc of that shoe size 194: My ring size is: Uh no idea. Maybe 9? 193: My height is: Five foot three inches 192: I am allergic to: A couple of antibiotics but that’s it  191: My 1st car was: 1995 Honda Accord. RIP Goldeen. 190: My 1st job was: Technically I was an assistant for an occupational therapy clinic that paid me under the table. My first paid job was a pool attendant for a hotel.  189: Last book you read: My professor’s shitty textbook.  188: My bed is: currently unmade.  187: My pet: doesn’t exist. Bro is allergic to the entire animal kingdom 186: My best friend: I have multiple and love them all very much  185: My favorite shampoo is: Just recently bought a new shampoo from OGX (coconut curls I think?)  184: Xbox or ps3: xbox 183: Piggy banks are: Not a bad concept. I have upgraded to using mason jars to save money  182: In my pockets: Not wearing pockets atm. Usually I only carry my phone tho 181: On my calendar: Is a bunch of doctor’s appointments 180: Marriage is: Fantastic with the right person 179: Spongebob can: ??? do whatever he wants? idk what op was thinking 178: My mom: is great and shouldn’t have to deal with my shit 177: The last three songs I bought were? I haven’t bought music in over two years. Spotify is my life. 176: Last YouTube video watched: I watch so many a day that I forgot what I last watched.  175: How many cousins do you have? 5 on paternal side. 3 on maternal. But I’m hispanic so it’s def more than immediate family  174: Do you have any siblings? 1 and he’s a pain but I love him 173: Are your parents divorced? nope. fun fact. I used to think divorce was normal as a child and wondered when I would get a second set of parents.  172: Are you taller than your mom? No I’m like 4 inches shorter 171: Do you play an instrument? is mayonnaise an instrument 170: What did you do yesterday? future job training and watched my brother [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: Lust at first sight  168: Luck: kinda 167: Fate: sure 166: Yourself: a lot more than I used to  165: Aliens: why not 164: Heaven: in a way 163: Hell: sure 162: God: the catholic in me says yes 161: Horoscopes: yes and no  160: Soul mates: tough question. 21 year old me would have said yes. 23 me is on the fence. Maybe for other people but I don’t really believe it for myself.  159: Ghosts: I love ghost walks so I hope they’re real 158: Gay Marriage: Of fucking course 157: War: No 156: Orbs: Isn’t this the same as ghosts? 155: Magic: No  [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: Either one has it’s benefits 153: Drunk or High: Never been high so I guess drunk  152: Phone or Online: they mean the same thing now 151: Red heads or Black haired: dark hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: hot  148: Summer or winter: summer 147: Autumn or Spring: spring 146: Chocolate or vanilla: depends. rn I want vanilla 145: Night or Day: day 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: doesn’t matter. I feel more myself with straight hair tho 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald’s  141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk  140: Mac or PC: pc. Apple is a peice of shit.  139: Flip flops or high heals: heals 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: this is a weird question 137: Coke or Pepsi: depends on whether it’s a can, glass or on ice 136: Hillary or Obama: lol was this made in 2008 135: Burried or cremated: not sure. i wanna say burried tho 134: Singing or Dancing: I’m bad at both 133: Coach or Chanel:  neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who 131: Small town or Big city: small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target  129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: ben stiller 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure. my hands never last 127: East Coast or West Coast: east  126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas bc I can see my family 125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers 124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags despite the fact that i’ve never been 123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don’t give a shit about sports [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: dumb 121: George Bush: dumb 120: Gay Marriage: I’m hoping for a day where the LGBTQ+ community is no longer discrimated against 119: The presidential election: dumb 118: Abortion: No woman should be denied a right to abortion  117: MySpace: yeah this was made in 2008 116: Reality TV: dumb 115: Parents: great wonderful  114: Back stabbers: dumb 113: Ebay: useful 112: Facebook: kinda useful 111: Work: a necessity 110: My Neighbors: I don’t talk to them 109: Gas Prices: could be lower 108: Designer Clothes: I don’t care 107: College: a scam but education is worth it 106: Sports: depends on the sport 105: My family: great wonderful 104: The future: idk [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: yesterday 102: Last time you ate: when I started this thing 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last month 100: Cried in front of someone: Two weeks ago 99: Went to a movie theater: going tonight 98: Took a vacation: three years ago. going soon tho 97: Swam in a pool: I don’t even remember.  96: Changed a diaper: never 95: Got my nails done: a year and a half ago 94: Went to a wedding: a year and a half ago 93: Broke a bone: never 92: Got a peircing: three years ago 91: Broke the law: probs when I was underage drinking 90: Texted: yesterday [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: all of my friends 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: free food and family 87: The last movie I saw: toy story 4 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: starting my career job 85: The thing im not looking forward to: taxes being taken out of my paycheck 84: People call me: Karina, Kari or Rina 83: The most difficult thing to do is: let go of someone in your life 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope 81: My zodiac sign is: cancer 80: The first person i talked to today was: no one. Update my boss just called lol 79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade lmao 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: uh recently I think  76: Right now I am talking to: Romantic? no one Normally? No one lmao  75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I’m grown but I’m not disclosing my job on here 74: I have/will get a job: already have one 73: Tomorrow: I’m working 72: Today: I’m cleaning 71: Next Summer: No idea 70: Next Weekend: no idea 69: I have these pets: no I don’t 68: The worst sound in the world: styrofoam 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mother 66: People that make you happy: family and friends 65: Last time I cried: Thursday 64: My friends are: cool great wonderful 63: My computer is: working 62: My School: I’m graduated 61: My Car: I need to wash today 60: I lose all respect for people who: have no respect 59: The movie I cried at was: toy story 4 58: Your hair color is: brown 57: TV shows you watch: Sabrina, jane the virgin 56: Favorite web site: twitter 55: Your dream vacation: new york 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: wisdom teeth 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare 52: My room is: a mess 51: My favorite celebrity is: chris evans 50: Where would you like to be: on vacation 49: Do you want children: yes 48: Ever been in love: three times. Ironically only one was with someone I actually dated 47: Who’s your best friend: I have multiple 46: More guy friends or girl friends: good mixture of both 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: makeup 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: a few 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: hell no 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: not a physical list 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: no disclosing 39: I would like to move to: the smokey mountains 38: I wish I was a professional: MUA [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: lifesaver gummies 36: Vehicle: hondas 35: President: obama 34: State visited: TN 33: Cellphone provider: ATT 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: i can’t choose 30: Actress: cant choose 29: Singer: can’t choose 28: Band: currently little mix 27: Clothing store: rip charolette russe 26: Grocery store: publix is the only acceptable floridian answer 25: TV show: jane the virgin 24: Movie: high school musical 23: Website: twitter 22: Animal: meerkat 21: Theme park: busch gardens 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: soccer  18: Sport to play: none 17: Magazine: n/a 16: Book: eragon 15: Day of the week: friday 14: Beach: n/a 13: Concert attended: hannah montana? 12: Thing to cook: beans 11: Food: rice 10: Restaurant: taco bell 9: Radio station: n/a 8: Yankee candle scent: n/a 7: Perfume: anything fruity 6: Flower: rose? 5: Color: pink or blue 4: Talk show host: ellen 3: Comedian: n/a 2: Dog breed:  black lab 1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  wouldn’t you like to know

#ask meme #personal shit #why do i curse myself with these #sorry mason

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Rebuilding a Broken Mind, an Orphan Sanders fic

Word Count: 6484

TW: swearing, only a little bit, death mention, murder mention, doctors? patton is a veterinarian, idk if doctors is a trigger but you know better safe than sorry, i wrote thomas as bi and married to a chick but hes dead so like? also patton is pan and likes a chick. patton gets overwhelmed and cries a lot.

Notes: This is my orphan au and i cherish it they’re all such goods.

Pairings: uh none really, thomas and valerie, patton is crushing on my OC.

Summary: “Oh! Um, hi! My name is Patton Sanders, nice to meet you! Um, I’m 20, a veterinarian, and well, I’m an orphan.” Patton lost his parents when he was 15 and had to raise himself and his three younger brothers on his own. hes 20 now, and hes got a job and hes starting to get his life together. Of course with reminders of his parents constantly surrounding him, it makes it hard to really move on.

Oh! Um, hi! My name is Patton Sanders, nice to meet you! Um, I’m 20, a veterinarian, and well, I’m an orphan. I have three little brothers named Virgil, Logan, and Roman! They are so super awesome! Virgil is the sporty guy at his high school, he’s 17 and the captain of like, all of the schools’ sport teams! Logan is my little genius! He’s only 14, but he’s a whole two years ahead and in high school with Virge! Roman is my theatre kiddo, he’s in every arts program at his school and knows how to play just about every instrument at only 9!!! Now, as for me, I’m nothing special, I just try really really hard, so my brothers are safe. I triple timed high school and college so that by the time I turned 18 I had my degree in veterinary medicine. Logan claims I pulled an Aaron Burr by doing this, which I don’t fully understand, but I assume it’s a cool thing. I only did what I had to though, we were already orphaned by the time I started high school, which meant we had no money for college. My high school said that it would pay all my college expenses if I followed the guidelines set, and so I super dashed through school. I managed to ace just about all my classes with some help from my friends and siblings. But that isn’t what this is about. I’m not the focus in this story, I’m just the narrator and eyes. This is a story about 4 kids forced to grow up far too fast. This is a story of the children of the most amazing people. Because when it comes down to it, we’re broken minds, struggling to put ourselves back together.

               Now, to start, we have to explain what happened first. Our parents, Thomas and Val Sanders were out at a college play that a friend of theirs was a part of. Unfortunately, they never made it out alive. One of the people attending the play started a shoot-out with about 5 others helping him. Nearly the whole auditorium was killed. Including them.

We had no living next of kin, so a family friend took us in for a short while before dropping us all off at the orphanage. I will never forget that day. I remember them letting us grab our important things from our old house. I remember crying while holding all my siblings close. I remember having to be dragged out of my home. I remember the looks of pure pity from the orphanage staff. I remember them trying to separate me from my brothers. I remember almost punching them. I remember the name of the staff member who was the only one to understand and let us stay together, his name was Terrance. I remember hugging him before we were ushered off. I remember the confusion from Roman when we told him we weren’t going home. I remember Virgil carrying him around telling him that this was home now, with faux excitement and a plastic smile. I remember Roman thinking mom and dad were still coming back, and none of us having the heart to tell him otherwise. I remember Logan not speaking at all for the next month. But most of all, I remember the broken parts that got littered everywhere we went.

I was 15. Roman was only 4. We were broken beyond repair. At least, I thought we were. I thought for sure that we were going to go straight from the orphanage to the homeless shelter. But I did it. I managed to do something, and it changed our lives forever.

The day before I turned 18, I went through with my plan. I have friends named Joan and Talyn who already had a house due to Talyn’s parents having money to spare. They let us stay with them for as long as we needed. We brought all of our things over and we explained the rules of this new situation. My bros were quick to follow instruction. The next day we officially moved out of the horrible child prison we were owned by. I was already well into my job as a vet tech and was able to fully become a veterinarian the next month due to my boss seeing that I was at least twice as competent as the resident vets. And so, it began.

It was bittersweet when we got our own place, as Joan and Talyn had grown to adore my little brothers in the short year we lived there. But I had finally earned enough money to rent a house, plus the orphanage contacted me, telling me about a very large inheritance we apparently had, which was somehow enough to buy said house. We ended up moving in and used the money I earned for beds and a couch.

Over the next year we bought more furniture and accessories as we saw fit. At the present moment, my room is bright blue with animal posters and pop culture references sprawled about randomly. Logan and Roman’s room is split in half. One side is meticulous with dark blue and black walls and a few nerdy posters, mostly of doctor who and Sherlock Holmes. The other however, was messy as all get out, had musical posters everywhere and usually had the mess all the way up to the metaphorical line. Logan never complained unless Roman’s things crossed it. Now Virgil confused me. I was planning on him sharing a room with me, but he refused, claiming that I needed privacy and rest since I was working full time and he wasn’t. All he wanted was a couch, some bedding, music, and some makeup. Because I’m a stubborn mule, whenever he lets me buy him things, I buy him the most bestest makeup and all his favorite albums, as well as some of the best headphones sold. He gets mad at me, but he deserves the world and more.

Okay, now we’re in the present! So, I might as well start the actual story now. Ok well then. Its Friday morning, today the big game at the high school is happening, which means Virgil has to leave early for practice. By early, I mean about the time that I leave for work which is 6 am.

I get up and make food like I normally do, only doubled because Lo and Virge usually sleep for another half an hour. Ro always gets up with me because I’m his ride to school. Virgil has a motorcycle that he drives himself and Logan to school on. I start up some friendly conversation as we eat, Virgil still groggy from sleep.

“are you ready for the game today? Isn’t it against the school rivals? I hope you guys beat them again, but I’m sure you will with such a good captain!!!” I wink at him as he chuckles.

“yeah, we’ve got this, if anything, I’ve got this, and that’s really the point. Yeah, it’s our rivals, the panthers, today. Not that they’ve ever been a challenge. We’ve swept the floor with them for countless years. And thanks for the poorly concealed compliment. Do we have anymore coffee?” he rambles off answers to my questions.

“yeah, but I don’t get paid til tomorrow and there’s only a cup worth left. Proceed at your own risk.” As soon as I say it, Logan zooms to the coffee and brews it for himself, cackling maniacally (giggling cutely).

“HAHAH!!! You will never get a drop of the saccharine nectar!!! Tis mine, forever and always!” he brushes his hair back with his hand and smiles at us. Roman beams and stands up in a fighting stance.

“thou shalt not loot this poor pauper of his deserved libation!!! Come at me thy villainous fiend!” and quickly the two start playing mock sword fighting. Me and Virgil laugh as Logan gets vanquished and the cup of coffee gets given to V. Logan ends up stealing some still, to my amusement.

We end up splitting up as the kiddos go to school and I head to work. I walk in, put on my coat, and then the place blows up. There is a half dead dog on my table and another 2 that are at least stable waiting. I’m apparently the only actual vet that showed up today. Great. Today’s gonna be fun.

 I’m not gonna go into what happened at work, because honestly, not much happened. It was an average day at work, but now is time for the interesting part!!! So, the big game at the high school is happening today right? Well, let me talk about it!

So, I go and pick up Roman from school and head over to the high school while asking Ro about his day. He learned a healthy amount of animal and plant biology, so I talk about some of the things he didn’t understand and made a few biology puns which were received quite well luckily! When we get to the school, I call Logan to figure out where he had stationed himself. We meet up and find a nice spot on the bleachers. Not long after, the teams came out and started playing. Virgil is easy to spot, not to mention the announcers are constantly shouting about him as he keeps running the ball the furthest of either team. The game is pretty average for the most part, up until the very end. Virge takes the win but not a second after, he gets tackled full force to the ground. I stand up and look over the crowd as I see him up again, shoving the other guy away. The guy gets up close to his face and I think Virgil is going to punch him-oh god please don’t punch him. The guy gets dragged away by the referee and Virgil has a bunch of teammates coming to check on him and I feel much less on edge. I shouldn’t though. As soon as I think it’s done the announcers go quiet and the stands go crazy as Virgil uppercuts the guy and then knees him in the stomach.

“what just happened there?! Kyle, why did Sanders just risk his high school career like that?!”

“Fitton insulted sanders’ younger brother.” Oh. Oh no. Oh HELL NO! Logan stands up and looks in the direction of the guy and visibly shudders. Oh, he’s lucky that V got to him first. Oh, I might be going to jail guys! The rest of this story might be told from prison!

“Logan, do you know that guy?” I ask calmly. He looks at me before turning away.

“um, yeah. He uh, he’s an ex of mine…” I tense up. He’s never told me about him having been in a relationship! He tells me everything! Ugh, that’s not important right now…

“is he a freshman? I haven’t seen him on the team before.” Lo nods.

“yeah, we met at the local library. I didn’t tell you cuz I didn’t think you’d want me to date someone and um, never mind… Anyways, we broke up cuz he was trying to pressure me into doing um, bad things.” I twitch. Oh, I might kill him. I shake my head and take Roman’s hand and start walking down towards the team to pick up Virgil. We get down there and I check up on Virgil, checking for medical issues; he very well could have gotten another concussion. I get distracted when Virgil hisses at something behind me.

“oh, calm down parselhead. I wasn’t even coming over here for you” I hear in a low drawl behind me. “how’s it hanging bookie?”

“first off, I’ve told you what that actually means and that that nickname bothers me, please cease this instant, and second, I’m doing fine how are you Loki?” I hear Logan say calmly.  I tense slightly and turn around with an angry look on my face.

“Logan you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I know for certain I wouldn’t if I were you.” Logan looks at me but shakes his head.

“I can converse with an ex and still be civil about it Pat. It’s no problem.” he smiles softly at me, but I can’t help the anger that swells in my chest seeing the huge smirk that this guy is wearing.

“yeah Patton we can be civil here, no need for this hostility. Anyways, I’m doing fantastic Logan! Thank you for asking! I even have a new boyfriend, one who doesn’t try to keep me a secret.” His voice is contradictory to his words.

“it was two years ago, and I was twelve and still in an orphanage, I didn’t need my older brother worrying about me anymore than he already did. Plus, I barely understood my emotions, how do you think I would deal with my brothers’?” Logan crosses his arms and looks up at him accusingly.

“I dunno, I sorta thought you were enjoying the relationship, but you just ended it for no reason, citing your brother as too intimidating to cross, and neither of them look that scary to me.” He says and I look over to Logan in confusion. He walks closer to him and starts talking again, harsher than before.

“you and I both know that wasn’t what happened. You got pissed off that I didn’t want to go smoke and bang you arrogant prick. Also, I’d watch what you say about my brothers if I were you.” He just smirks while he backs away.

“okay then, I see I’m no longer wanted here. See you round bookie.” He walks away, and Logan shakes his head and face palms.

“every fricking time… I try to be civil but he always… ugh never mind it doesn’t matter. V are you okay? I don’t know what Loki said, but I can almost guarantee it was a lie. Also, he has a ridiculously hard skull, don’t ask how I know that, are you bleeding? Concussed?” Logan looks up at Virgil with a worried smile.

“yeah, I’m sure it was a lie, didn’t make it any less enraging. And no, I’m not bleeding or concussed. You dated him? How?! He’s such a prick!!!” Logan laughs.

“I don’t know, he was interesting. He told good stories and listened to me when I needed to vent. He’s also an incredibly good pillow. Really, he was just, the person I needed at the time, I guess.” He shrugs. Virgil is still watching him leave with an angry glare fixed on his face. I decide to change the topic.

“hey guys, you want pizza for dinner tonight? Food for champions!” the other three smile and cheer. V changes out and we head home, and I hand make three pizzas from scratch the way that we usually like it. Dad loved pizza and he said my pizza was the best, so I usually make it for celebrations or as a pick-me-up. It seems like its serving as both tonight. While its baking I make a couple of announcements.

“okay, so I’m going shopping tomorrow morning, but when I’m done with that, I thought we’d go visit Joan and Talyn? They have some presents for you all.” All three of them look up from what they were doing with wide eyes and smiles.

“YEEEEESSS!!! JOAN AND TALYN ARE SUPER AWESOMAZINGSAUCE YAAAAAAYYY!!!” Roman screams. I giggle as Roman jumps around and hugs me. Logan laughs along with me as he pulls Roman away.

“calm down Ro, Pat is cooking, you can’t be that close to the hot oven. I’m excited too, yes Ro.” Virgil looks at me questioningly.

“why do they always get us gifts? It seems like every time we see them, they have stacks of presents for us.” I shrug.

“well, I sort of introduced my lifelong friends to my 7, 12, and 15-year-old brothers who were sort of helpless at the time. They like me, but they adore you guys. Some kind of cool grandparent syndrome I guess.” Virgil laughs loudly at this as the pizzas beep. I pull them out to cool and tell some more puns to pass the time. The evening goes on without a hitch, we play a round of word association games as we eat our pizza. I pack up the leftovers in lunch bags for the 4 of us and then clean up the kitchen. As I finish with that, Roman shouts for me to tell him a story.

I tell a story of a brave prince who has to protect his kingdom from a fierce dragon witch. The dragon witch had stolen away the princes soon to be bride. The prince fought through many trials to save his fiancé, however he was beaten to it by another beautiful princess who had won the maidens heart instead. The prince was of course fair, as the princess had fairly bested him, and so he went on a mission to love himself before he went around looking for a fitting bride-or groom, again. Roman sleepily cheers and snuggles into a black cat plush V gave him.

The most difficult to get to sleep is Logan, who just wants to read all night. He changes to a different book just as I walk over to his desk. “Lo, you need to go to bed. You want to be well rested for tomorrow kiddo. You can read your book tomorrow, I promise the ending won’t change, and it won’t leave without you.” He yawns, he has had a long day.

“if I go to sleep will you sing for me? Please?” he looks at me with puppy dog eyes.

“of course, Lo. Bookmark your page and go get ready for bed and I’ll sing for you.” He smiles and rushes off to get ready. He’s back in a few minutes.

“can you sing dads old lullaby? If not its ok but-” I cut him off.

“of course, I can Lo.”

“somewhere there’s someone who wants you to be

How they want you to be, their opinion

They’ll paint you the colors that they wanna see

And to them, its Monet,

But to you, it’s a gray, silhouette

So, pick up a pencil, a stencil, a crayon,

The picture is not finished yet

You can let someone else tell you your story,

You can let someone else tell you what’s true

Or you can set yourself free,

Climb the tallest highest tree,

Or maybe sit back and take in the view,

You can let yourself, let yourself do

Anything.”

By the time I finish the chorus, Logan is sound asleep, snoring softly and cuddling an owl plush. I get up, tuck him in, turn off the lights, then head into the living room. Virgil is laying on the couch with his headphones on full blast. I grab his sleep meds and a cup of water and hand them over to him.

“hey, you shouldn’t listen to your music that loud, it could damage your hearing. You don’t have to listen to me, but I just wanted to let you know. I worry about you guys, you know?” he smiles and takes the meds. He turns down the volume on his headphones and nods.

“sorry Pat, I didn’t realize they were that loud. And, we worry about you too. You do way more for us than you have to. Anyways, thanks for the meds and sleep well okay? Don’t stay up all night again.” I giggle and nod before giving him a quick hug and going to my room.

I do a few pieces of paperwork that I wasn’t able to do before the end of my shift and send a quick text to my vet tech Elenora, checking in on her, as she’s been off on vacation and she’s supposed to be getting back tomorrow, and she has some things she needs to pick up at the office. She’s also absolutely amazing and sweet and beautiful and I love talking to her so so much. But that’s beside the point. After I get all of that done, I check the time, realizing that its now 11:45 and I should have been in bed an hour ago. I quickly fall asleep soon after luckily.

The next day is super-duper hectic so like, hold onto your horses, this is gonna be a wild ride! Okay okay, so I get up at 8 and go shopping, blah blah, tons of coffee because my boys and I have a problem. I unload everything by 10 which is when the kiddos are waking up. Virgil apologizes for not waking up to help but I wave him off as I start to make a small lunch because three meals a day, but Joan and Talyn are probably going to take us out for lunch knowing them, so I don’t want us to lose our appetite, that’d be rude! Anyways I set out the 4 plates and eat mine before going to take a quick shower. By the time I shower and change, all three of them are conversing around the table. I smile fondly because, hey, I helped raise these fantastic kiddos! LOOK AT MY BROTHERS!!! Okay, I’m good now. I walk up to the table and they all smile happily at me before going back to their debate.

“listen, if you have straight caffeine you die, therefore this stuff is totally deadly and like, we’re slowly killing ourselves by drinking it.” Virgil says, being devil’s advocate per usual.

“well yes but that’s like chlorine and sodium!!! They are both deadly elements on their own, but together give us salt! Not to mention that even too much water can kill a human! And! Another point, coffee is a natural occurrence just like water!!! In reasonable quantities, coffee is perfectly safe!!!” Logan rants passionately making me glad that I invested some money into speech and debate for him. Roman grins.

“but if water, coffee, and salt could kill us, does that mean that the world is trying to kill all life on it?!? are we living on a death rock?!? LOGAN IS THE WORLD GONNA KILL US?!?!” his grin slowly gets sadder and more scared as he continues. Logan flinches slightly.

“I mean, technically humans have been killing the earth for years so I wouldn’t put it out of the question that that is the reason that everything on earth is potentially deadly to humans. That would make sense… gosh darn it why do you always send me into steadily collapsing bouts of existentialism?” Logan shakes his head likely jumping into one of his existential crises.

“do I want to know the opening remarks?” I ask and they all shake their heads no. I grab a mug and make myself some creamer with a hint of coffee. Heheh!!! Caramel coffee is very good, but caramel mint coffee is even better! Roman runs off to get changed right as Logan goes to take a quick shower. V asks to change in my room which I am totally ok with because of course!!!

Oh! I should say what we’re wearing shouldn’t I? okay okay, so I wear my favorite pair of khakis, which are quite worn from wear. I wear a pun-ny shirt about dogs, and a tan cardigan with black white and purple plaid shirt underneath. I also have some nice black boots. When Roman comes out, he’s dressed in a red theatre shirt, white jeans, and a white fluffy coat, with his favorite white fluff boots. Logan comes out with his talk nerdy to me tee, black ripped skinny jeans, a black fluffy jacket, black boots, and a snap back. Virgil ends up wearing his nirvana shirt, black ripped skinny jeans, leather jacket, and black converse.

Logan sneaks up behind Roman and puts one of his Disney caps on him. Roman gasps because Lo never shares his hats. He tries to give it back but Lo tells him not to. “I got that one just for you Ro, keep it.” I think RoRo almost cries as he dashes into a cute embrace with Lo. Logan giggles as he sees his baby brother smile. It really is the best feeling ever when you can be the cause of a smile.

Soon after the scene of pure wholesomeness, we head on our way to Joan and Talyn’s house. We are greeted by happy faces and a stack of gifts. This is normal I guess, like V mentioned, they always have piles of gifts for us.

“hiya!!! Glad you could make it! We decided to make a big meal instead of going out, I hope you guys don’t mind?” Talyn grins sheepishly. “and we also invited a couple more people. Sorry we didn’t tell you it was a surprise!”

“a surprise? Who’s here?” I ask, looking around them both to see. There are more gifts than usual. And they’re gift wrapped. Oh gosh what did I forget? Wait… what month is it? oops. I might’ve said that out loud.

“its January Pat.” Joan states simply with a growing grin. Oh god, it’s my birthday soon isn’t it.

“happy early birthday Patton-cake!” Talyn yells happily. Yup. Oh, I’m an idiot. I facepalm.

“I’m glad Joan called me on Monday, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten your presents from us and brought them over!” V smirks as we walk in. of course they were all plotting against me, I should have known! As I walk in, I see Leo, Jamahl, Dominic, Dahlia, Kenny, Derionna, Rafaela, calypso, and oh god, how did they get Elenora?!? I don’t think I’ve ever even talked about her to them!!! Not to mention that she must be horribly jetlagged!

“oh my god no way!!! I love you guys so much aaaa!!! How do you even know Elie?!?” I say as I go around giving hugs to my friends from back in high school that I’ve missed so much.

“dude, Els is in a bunch of my classes. She never shuts up about work, so it was easy to find out that you guys knew each other. Not to mention her constant fawning over ‘doctor sanders’” Elie punches Joan in the arm.

“listen here bean boozled, are you gonna keep outing me or are we gonna start this party? I estimate the time between now and when I fall unconscious from exhaustion and jetlag is t minus 4 hours.” She states matter of factly. God, I love her, I’m so far gone.

Joan and Talyn attack me with a hat while I’m fantasizing, and they laugh mischievously as they drag me over to the table.  Joan’s saying something in one ear and Talyn’s saying something else in my other and I’m confused as heck, but all my friends surround me as well as my baby brothers and start singing at me. I don’t even comprehend what they’re saying because my brain can’t remember the last time I had a surprise party, and its actively making me remember my 14th when my dad and mom threw me a giant birthday bash and it was all day long and we fell asleep in a pile on the couch and before I can stop it all the voices start freaking out and I touch my face and I finally notice that I’m crying, and gosh I just ruined it of course gosh darn it they all went out of their way to make this and now I’m just sad and crying. I feel a thud and finally pay enough attention to see Roman hugging me tightly and apologizing. I pat his head and smile at him before kneeling down and reassuring him.

“Ro Hun, it’s not your fault I’m crying, I just remember mom and dad that’s all. I was caught up in my head but I’m fine. I promise ro. Do you wanna help me blow out the candles?” Roman smiles widely and nods. I pick him up and we blow out the candles together. The others all smile and cheer. Joan stands next to me with a smirk. Oh gosh they’re going to have me do something dangerous and I’m gonna agree because its going to be fun and d a n g e r o u s.

“you realize we are stealing you tomorrow to go barhopping right? Els even offered to dd for us! I mean of course, she’s sorta still underage for a few more months, but yeah, you, me, Talyn, and els are going to have birthday bash part two and its going to sick as Fu-” I cover their mouth before they can finish their swear.

“my baby brothers are here!!! No swearing!!! It’ll hurt their poor innocent ears!!!” I see Virgil and Logan give me a skeptical look before I gesture at Roman and I see their eyes widen in realization, before they nod furiously in agreement. Roman obliviously drags Logan off to play with the bubbles that Joan had gotten to keep the little ones occupied. I uncover their mouth and shoot them a look before giving it up for a smile as I hug them.

“thank you for this Joan, it’s kind of you. You didn’t have to really, haven’t even seen you guys in a few months!”

“that’s exactly why we did it. We don’t need a reason to give the littles gifts, and if we have a reason to give you gifts you won’t turn them down. You never have been one for spontaneous presents, but you know what, I love ya man, and you deserve to get shit on your birthday you oaf. I always felt bad that you wouldn’t let me help you and the kids when we were still in high school. God its been so long now, we’re old pat! You know my mom always tells me that they’d be so proud of you whenever I tell her what you’ve been doing. She actually wanted me to give you something, its wrapped in the pile of gifts.” They winked and nodded over to the living room where far too many gifts in my opinion, were sitting. The rest of my friends were there too, keeping themselves entertained one way or another, and I saw that Logan and Roman were running around outside chasing bubbles.

I go over to the stack and feel immediately intimidated. I hear the door open and Roman and Logan come inside. They sit behind me and I grab the first present that I can reach. The wrapping is purple plaid and Virgil’s name is scrawled on the tag. I open it up and look at my brother with a mocking look as I pull out a pale blue lab coat with dog face emojis.

“oh my gosh you dork I love it!!!” I pull it on quickly, seeing how it fits and beam at him.

“I’m glad. You’ve got another one somewhere from me” ugh of course that’s how there’s so many gifts.

I grab the next one with the same wrapping and rip it open only to see a new surgical kit, which I had been desperately needing to get but had been avoiding. They’re ridiculously expensive and I haven’t had the money to spare. I don’t know how vee could have managed to get that much money, and I don’t understand why he would spend it on me. I feel tears welling up in my eyes for the second time today, and launch myself at Virgil, picking him up and twirling him around. I see Elenora look at the tools out of the corner of my eyes.

“holy crap how did you afford these? This set is worth almost a thousand!” Virgil gives a feeble look as I set him down.

“I’ve been saving up for a few months, no big, you had mentioned you needed a new set a while ago, and I know you wouldn’t let anyone give you one. You can’t give this one back otherwise it’d be wasted so ha I win.” He ends with a smirk, and I punch him in the arm for calling me out on my OCD about work.

I grab my next gift which is a deep red with a matching bow. I peel off the paper and see a Pooh bear onesie and I smile down at it before laying back to smile at Roman who is giggling loudly.

“Lo helped me find it!!! I know you love Pooh, so I thought you’d like it!!!”

“he had tried to get you a size that fit him at first it was really quite adorable. We got him a Tigger one to match but we told him he had to keep it hidden until you got yours.”

I reached out for a hug and instead Roman kissed my nose then pushed me back into a sitting position. I huffed dramatically before grabbing my next gift, from Logan. I rip open the striped paper and see a book called animal madness, about animal mental health, and I feel my smile widen. There’s another book, by Jackson galaxy called total cat mojo and I might have squealed a little bit?

“LOGAN, I LOVE THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOSH OH GEEZ THESE WILL BE SOOOOO HELPFUL!!!!!!” Logan smiles and chuckles softly.

“I had imagined so, you have said that a couple of your patients have had mental issues more than physical and you’ve seen them more often due to their owners not knowing how to treat them, I hope the books hold deeper insight than google.”

I give him a big hug, and then grab the next presents, opening one after another all very sweet but also rather irrelevant gifts including coffee, cooking ware, and fandom stuff. I eventually get to Elenora’s gift though, which I was slightly scared about opening if I’m being honest? It could be anything, what would she get me? I open the rose gold box that holds a few different items. The first I notice is a necklace with a four pawprints on them, each a different color, red, navy, cyan, and purple, and each with me and my brothers’ names. I smile softly at it as I put it on. The next thing in the box is a new stethoscope that matched my light blue theme at work. After that is a build a bear Alolan Vulpix plush with an absolutely adorable cloak and a spare outfit. I squeeze it and it sounds so cute??? I’m so glad I share my obsession with Pokémon with her it makes work that much more enjoyable. The next thing I pull out is a dual sapphire and ruby pop head set and I let out a laugh at it, she knows me so well, I had mentioned I loved their characters and that they reminded me of my mom and dad once offhandedly, and yet she’s gotten me ruby and sapphire things three times now. I pull out a gift card to pizza shop I adore, and the last item in the box is a card that says read later, so I throw a glance her way as I put the card in the pile.

I thank her, and give her a hug, before turning my attention to the last present remaining, the present from Joan’s mom, who was basically my second mom growing up. I pull apart the wrapping hesitantly, and I almost let out a choked sob at what is in the package. It’s a letter from my parents. I cover my mouth as I grab the letter and read it.

“dear Patton, we hope this letter reaches you in good health, and that we are still in contact when you reach 21.” I make some odd strangled noise and my eyes start filling with tears. “no matter how our relationship is, we have a present for you. Patton cake, we know you’re only a year old now, but when you get this, we want you to know that no matter what we love you so so much and we want you to be happy no matter what. So, if you’ll forgive us if we’ve hurt you, we want you to have this glass and drink. Your mom made that glass right after you were born. She believes that the essential gift for a 21-year-old was a wine glass and a nice red wine. This wine is the same one I had on my 21st with my father and I saw it fitting to share it with you. I love you so so much son, and I hope you know that you’re in my heart wherever I am. The same goes for your mother. You know me and how paranoid I am, so this will probably be given to you by my best friend who I don’t doubt will grow close to you. In case anything happens, not that it will.” I don’t think I can breathe anymore oh my god this is from my dad- “but anyways ill stop rambling” no dad please keep talking don’t go please! “happy birthday Patton, you make me and your mom so proud. I love you so much” I wheeze and double over, I can’t breathe my dad, it was almost like he was there again, my dad was there and I-

I open the wrap on the glass, the crystal glass has an imprint that has the words “you’re capable of anything” and me and my parents’ names inscribed in it. Etched in, not just printed, its won’t fade, it will always be there. I look up at the roof to stop my tears, and to hopefully tell my mom and dad I love them if there is an afterlife. I wish I could see them one more time and be able to say goodbye. I can’t, but god it hurts so bad, I miss them so much its not fair they should have been able to come home they should be here they should have been here to see Roman and Logan and Virgil grow up it’s not FAIR GOD DAMN IT!!! I need to calm down, its in the past its over I can’t change it I can just keep going. I take a few deep breaths and wipe my eyes. I set down the glass and look at Joan.

“Joan, I need you to thank your mom for me, I-I owe her so much for this I can’t even properly explain just how much this means to me. If she ever needs anything let me know, I will do anything to help.” Joan nods and smiles at me softly.

I breathe a few more deep breaths before standing up.

“now, that’s enough of that. There’s cake and games!!!”

#tw swearing #tw cursing #tw death mention #tw murder mention #Orphan AU #my writing #my fanfiction #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #joan and talyn #others but just mentioned #my oc #elenora #lots of crying

[royprichard]

Pittsburgh, PA - October 25, 2018-November 1, 2018

Thursday, October 25, 2018 - travel day. Rhonda has already been in the Pittsburgh area since she is training a person on SAP for her company. She flew up there on Sunday and was the reason we were making this trip in the first place.

Terry and Mama were driving from Jewett to Dallas and were to meet me and Rhonda at the Pittsburgh airport. I was leaving from Houston and was crossing my fingers that week didn’t have any travel issues.

As I waited in the terminal, I began to text to Terry my status. Things like, “I’m at the airport”, “Let me know when you begin boarding”, “Are you at the airport?” Because Terry is pretty good at texting back, I began to worry that something had happened when I got “radio silence”. After a period of time I finally got a message saying “We’re boarding the plane. I’ll tell you what happened when I see you.”

My flight was fine and I arrived in Pittsburgh to see my mom, Terry, and Rhonda sitting at Starbucks laughing their fool heads off and being silly. Between the three of them, I finally learned that during the TSA pat down two step, somewhere in the airport, Mama had lost her boarding pass. She swears TSA must have stolen it from her. Terry blames Mama’s new traveling companion she has non-affectionately named “Winston”. Winston is Mama’s small carry-on luggage which Terry denies Mama needs for the trip. It’s just another piece of luggage Terry has to worry about.

We gather together in our rental car and go to the hotel. They gave us rooms on the thirteenth floor. I didn’t know hotels would use a 13th floor. Isn’t that unlucky or something? We got on the elevator with a man and he asked “What floor?” We answered “13th”. He looked at us funny, turned to the floor buttons, turned back and said “This elevator doesn’t go that high”. Of course, we were in the wrong elevator. As we were leaving the correct elevator for dinner, a guy seeing me and three women said to me “You sure are lucky!” Boy did I laugh. Actually Mama said, “I don’t think he believes that!”

October 26, 2018 - Friday morning we ate breakfast at Denny’s and found out the pumpkin spice can and will be put on every item on the menu. I ordered us some pumpkin spice hush puppies and they were good. We drove around Pittsburgh’s downtown area, looking at Heinz Field, Three River Stadium, and the bustling downtown folks as they walked the streets.

Our plan was to travel to New Wilmington where we had signed up for the “Simple Life Tour”. There is a huge Amish community in New Wilmington but they are a very private group. The woman who gave us the private tour is not Amish but has run a restaurant for 30 years in New Wilmington. After meeting several Amish and becoming friends with them, she noticed one of the most frequent questions she received at her restaurant was “how can we see Amish people”. She asked her Amish friends if she could bring people to the area and meet them. Now she has a growing business.

We sat in a Honda Pilot and Susan, our guide, gave us insightful information about the Old World Amish community in New Wilmington. We drove through their community and she told us why they think the way they do. We stopped at 3 Amish houses where they use their first floor as a grocery store, or a bakery, or a quilting store. Although it sounds like just a way to get tourist to spend money on Amish things, it was very interesting. They all have white houses with blue doors. The houses are huge with three floors, the second floor is their meeting place, large enough for a hundred Amish to meet as a church which they do every other Sunday. The third floor is the living quarters. We were not able to go up to see the second or third floors.

After we drive back to PIttsburgh, we decide to go to the casino in Pittsburgh. Rhonda sticks close to Mama and we go throw some money in the slots. I think everyone ended up with winning except Rhonda that evening.

October 27, 2018 - On Saturday, we woke up to a messy driving day. It rained, not hard, but I had to drive with the windshield wipers on all day. We drove east out of Pittsburgh to New Haven to visit Marion. She is the wife of a man who was in the service with Daddy. They have kept up with Mama and Daddy over the years, even though they live far apart. We met Marion for lunch and had a nice visit. She showed us her apartment and her grandkids.

We drove through the Allegany Forest to arrive at our hotel in Olean, NY. The road took us through the forest and mountains. We went past the observatory where it is claimed to be the darkest sky in the US so you can see many stars. We seemed to be the only people on this road. Not many fellow travelers.

October 28, 2018 - The next day, Sunday, we traveled to Jamestown, NY to see the Lucy and Desi Museum. Since we grew up watching “I Love Lucy” it was a must. We had a good time highlighted by filming my mom doing the Vitameatavegimen commercial with bottle and spoon and fake backdrop that the museum had set up for those who wanted to give it a try. Terry and Rhonda both filmed it, so we’ll need to share that on social media when we get back home.

We were driving to Niagara Falls, Canada and when we got to the border crossing, the border guard asked for our passports. As he scanned on passports, he asked why we were coming to Canada and where we were going. Of course, I had lots of help in the car to tell me. After I said Niagara Falls, then I told him we were going to go to Barrie, Ontario. He asked, “Why Barrie?” I said I just picked it off the map. No special reason. He laughed and said, “No one just goes to Barrie. We don’t even go to Barrie!” He gave us our passports and smiled. “Have a nice trip!”

Niagara Falls was next. After checking in to our rooms, we decided to eat at Outback. This was our first challenge with Canadian money. Food was expensive. After the meal, we took Terry and Rhonda to the Ferris wheel and let them ride. Afterward, Mama and I were dropped off at the casino. Terry and Rhonda were going to take the car back to the hotel and we would call them to pick us up later.=

After we exchanged our US money for Canadian, we began throwing it away to Canada in the slot machines. After a while we decided to leave and I pick up my phone to give Terry a call to pick us up. There are about four texts and several voice mail messages. I had the car fob in my pocket for the rental car and they were unable to start the car without it. Apparently they noticed it after Mama and I had gone into the casino. Terry got out of the car while Rhonda drove around. Terry was trying to find us, then she said she almost got lost in the casino and couldn’t find the front door. We had gone into the bathrooms so that is why she couldn’t find us. She finally gave up and her and Rhonda went to the hotel and texted me and messaged me frantically. I didn’t see a reason to call them since they couldn’t come get us. I told Mama to take a seat at the front of the casino and I would walk the two or three blocks to the hotel, get the car and take her to the hotel. As I got outside, I noticed it was raining cats and dogs. Plan B. We hired a taxi, road two blocks, and paid 8 Canadian dollars for the ride. Those new-fangled cars without regular keys will mess you up every time.

October 29, 2018 - Monday was the day we planned on taking in Niagara Falls. We paid for a tour which included “Behind the Falls” tour. It involved walking through man-made tunnels to get to viewing areas where part of the falls cascades over the rocks in front of you. You can feel the power of the water as it thunders down. After going to the obligatory gift shop afterward, we got back on the bus to travel down to view the whirlpools. Another photo op and then a stop at a rest stop with, yes, another gift shop. Then we got on the bus and went to the falls, again. We donned our red plastic ponchos and queued up to get on “The Hornblower”, our boat that would take us into the falls, or at least as close as we could get. Rhonda and I went up top and spent the entire freezing ride outside being showered and blown by the mighty Niagara. Terry was on the level below us and Mama set up shop inside, getting a laugh at watching everyone outside taking pictures of themselves and the falls until we got close enough to douse everyone with cold, wet water and wind. She said they began to stream indoors, out of the freezing wetness. I really enjoyed the falls, but summed it up when Rhonda and I were laughing at getting pelted with cold, wet water from the falls. I turned to her and shouted over the pounding of the water, “Just think, we actually paid $100 for this!”

After drying off and getting packed again, we drove to Barrie. Yeah, why would anyone pick Barrie? After checking in we ate at the Swiss Chalet. Our waitress brought us our food with four bowls of some sort of liquid content. I asked what it was and she said it was their special sauce which they eat on everything. It looked like loose brown gravy and had a cinnamon flavor. I’m not a big fan! The waitress asked if we had ever tasted it before and we shared that we were from Texas. She asked what in the world were we traveling to Barrie for? Barrie apparently needs another Public Relations firm to work on their image.

October 30, 2018 - We woke the next morning to a hard freeze in Barrie. After I got the ice off of the windshield, we began traveling south back into the US. We drove back on lesser traveled roads through farmland and rural communities. It was raining again but the not too hard. We entered the US without any trouble after we threatened Mama not to say anything from the back seat when the border patrol officer asked us questions about re-entering the US. She really wanted to talk to the officers, for some reason. I think she wanted to flirt for awhile.

We drove through Detroit commenting on the poor road conditions and quite a few dilapidated older buildings. It was a long day of driving, so when we got to Dundee, Michigan all we did was find our hotel, go across the road to Bob Evans for dinner. Terry said she LOVES the place. We kept seeing Bobs Evans Restaurants throughout the north and we finally stopped to eat there. I have yet to convince everyone to stop at Tom Horton’s. Not sure what they serve, but they are EVERYWHERE!

October 31, 2018 - Wednesday is here and it is October 31, Halloween! We are driving back to Pittsburgh where we will fly back to Texas. We travel through Cleveland, Ohio and make a stop at the Rock and Roll Museum. We spent 2 hours on the first floor of the museum, reading and listening to our musical history. It is a fun, entertaining place to go. I had placed enough coins in the parking meter for two hours and when I told them I was going to go put more in, they told me they were ready to go. It was fun and I would recommend the stop for lovers of music.

We drove into Pittsburgh at the 5 o’clock quitting time and it was still raining enough that I couldn’t turn my wipers off. I was determined to ride the Duquesne Incline and our GPS took us directly through downtown. The traffic was horrible. Especially where four lanes of traffic merged on one of the bridges and EVERYONE needed to be in the exact opposite lane they were in. It was a fruit basket turnover. We finally made it through and went to Duquesne incline. Because there were several flights of stairs, Mama stayed in the car while we travelled up and took photos. Before we left the parking lot, Terry tried to get into the wrong car. As we were laughing about that in the restaurant over lunch, Mama told us that she had gone into the wrong bathroom, earlier. More laughs!

We all made it back home and will hope to go somewhere together in the future.

[mleighsquickspot]

M’L Short

Mystique...

I wasn’t born, I was created. I was created by the mind of a vengeful woman in order to get revenge on a non caring man. My story begins a few years ago when I was eighteen and just another young girl going through the motions of growing up. My name is Sosha Carson or rather that’s my name now. Before, my name was Theo Lanett and back then being naive and some what unaware was bliss.

Tracy: (Theo’s mom) Hi honey. How was school?

Theo: (coming in the front door) Hi mom, it was fine; where’s dad?

Tracy: Still at work I guess.

Theo: (looking her mom in the face) How are you doing today?

Tracy: (nodding) Ok, I guess. I’m a little tire, but I did eat some and got myself clean for the day.

Theo: (smiling) Did the nurse come by today to help you?

Tracy: Yes! He worked with me a little, and then he told me to just get some rest.

Theo: (nodding) Ok, well go lie down and if you need anything I’ll get it for you; just let me know.

Tracy: Ok honey.

My mom went to go lay down, while I went to my room to do my homework. Later that evening my dad finally came home, while I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner.

Mason: Hi sweetie, boy to day was a long day; I’m beat (giving Theo a kiss on the forehead). How was your day, and how’s your mom?

Theo: (looking him in the eye) My day was fine, and mom is tired; she’s resting now. I made dinner and there are leftover’s on the stove.  

Mason: (nodding) That’s ok; I grabbed a bite after work. Well goodnight sweetie (walking out of the room).

Theo: (still staring) Goodnight daddy.

As I finished in the kitchen, I walked through the down stairs level to see if anything else needed to be straightened up. Everything looked in order so I went to the stairs to head to my room. When I got to the top of the stairs I could hear my dad in a panic, speaking to my mom in a loud voice.

Mason: (shouting) Tracy, Tracy can you hear me?

The door swung open and my dad ran out of the room and grabs the phone on the hallway table. He dials 911 and tells them to come to 1884 Carson street as quickly as then can; he screams that my mom is not breathing. While this was happening; I ran into my parents room and started doing CPR on my mom, I try to talk to her letting her know to hang on and that help is on they way. Yet, by the time help arrived it was too late. My mom was gone and there was nothing that could be done for her.  A few days after my mom was laid to rest; my dad started getting weird phone calls at every time of the day. I found it odd, but my dad didn’t.

Theo: (on the phone) Hello! May I ask who this is? (Giving the phone to her dad) there’s a Ms. Decarlo for you.

Mason: (looking a bit surprised) Thanks honey, I got it. Hello, why did you call here? I asked you not to. (Whispering) No, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. Please, I’ll see you when I can, and don’t call here again.

Theo: (looking puzzled) Who was that daddy?

Mason: (trying to act normal) Oh! That was just…just don’t worry about it sweetie.

For the next few weeks, the calls continued and after a while I noticed that I was spending more and more time alone. My dad had begun working later and later; at first I thought he was just trying to cope and also dodge the numerous phone calls. Yet, when he started being out later and later the calls became less frequent and almost stopped. Then one day as I was walking home from school with a few friends one of them pointed out that my dad was in a restaurant with a woman, as we passed by. Now this was no more than three months after my mother’s death, and at first it seemed innocent enough; until they began kissing each other, I knew then that something more was going on. That night I stayed up and waited for my dad to come home so I could ask him about his new friend.

Mason: (coming in the front door and the light turning on quickly) Theo, honey what are you still doing up? It’s a school night and you need your rest.

Theo: (staring at her dad) I know I just wanted to wait up for you, to make sure you came home alright (smiling).

Mason: (trying to look normal) Ok, well I’m home now; so you head on to bed.

Theo: (looking innocent) Oh, dad I had a question to ask you. I saw you today on my way home with some friends, and you were with a lady; who was she?

Mason: (looking shocked) Oh, she was just a co worker; we had our lunch break at the same time so we decided to go together to that restaurant.

Theo: (under her breath) Does he think I’m stupid or something? (Out loud) Ok, well that explains it then, well good night daddy.

Mason: (looking relieved) Goodnight!

The next day was Friday and this up coming weekend my dad had a business trip so I knew I would be alone in the house. That afternoon when I came home I found a note left for me on the kitchen counter “Theo already left on my trip, there is money on the table and I will be back Sunday night, have a good weekend; be safe and I love you, daddy”. After I read the note I knew what I had to do, my dad was acting strange and I had to find out why.

Theo: (at home standing in the living room) Where would he hide what he doesn’t want someone to know? (Looking around the room) I know the basement room.

There is a spare locked room in the basement that we once used as a storage space. But, later my dad turned it into his secret den.

Theo: (walking down the basement stairs) Whatever he’s hiding must be in his computer or file cabinets. (Looking around the room) Where is that key? I know; it’s in the beer mug on the bar.

I did find the key to the room in his antique beer mug on the bar and I made my way into his unknown room. Thinking back I think I’ve only been in here once or twice and it was always while he was here.  I knew whatever I needed to find to answer my questions would be in here.

Theo: (talking to herself) I’ll start with the cabinets. (Opening the first one)

What is this, it’s a recite to a café; there are two orders on it and he paid with his card.

It went on for hours that way; I found so many recites for dinners and lunches that he always paid for. I found thank you cards from different bed and breakfast places, motels, bars, you name it I had one. I followed the dates on the pieces of paper and they went back for almost three years.  As I found more and more the rage in me grew to an unbearable level that by the time I got to the computer my questions were answered. On the computer, which by the way his pass word was my mother’s name; I found even more, it made me sick.

Theo: (looking at the screen) There are so many of them, names and pictures of women he has either meet or wants to met. (Scrolling down) The dates on these begin the very day mom was told she was sick, how could he! (Slamming her fist on the table).

After all I had seen and read I knew that my mother must have known what was happening and was willing to put up with him and his lies, up till the very day she died.  After I left the room, I went to my bedroom and sat for a long time. All I could think about was the night she died; how he looked when she passed, so loving and concerned and desperate at the thought of losing her. But, I just kept running across the thought of how could he do this to her and to me? There was no way of knowing who he touched and then the thought of him coming home and touching us. That night, packed whatever I could carry and took the money he left for me and stayed at a friend’s house.  But, before I left I printed all I could about the type of woman he liked and what he was looking for in a woman. This information was to be used at a later purpose.

The weekend came and went, and I knew that he would be looking for me. So, to not get my friends in any trouble; I stayed at the neighborhood hangout spot where runaways would hide from their parents and the authorities. I stayed there for a few days trying to figure out what I wanted to do with what I now knew. I would see him from time to time as I traveled the streets; passing out fliers to everyone he could, trying to find me…

Mason: (giving out fliers) Please, take this sir. Miss excuse me, have you seen this girl; she’s my daughter.

Theo: (watching from across the way) Good luck, but you won’t find me because I no longer exist.

Seeing him so heartbroken and desperately looking for me, would have been sweet if I still cared about him at all. As far as I was concerned I was dead to him and he was dead to me and then it came to me; those who search for a certain type of woman should be very careful in what they look for.

Some time later a new lady appeared on Mason’s wall of women on his computer. Her name was Sosha Carson; she was supposedly twenty one with long raven hair, blue eyes and a cute smile. When he saw her picture he forgot all about looking for me and devoted all his attention to trying to meet her. They corresponded for a few weeks, finding out all we could about each other…

Sosha: (typing) Any kids?

Mason: (typing) I have a daughter.

Sosha: (typing) So, are you married?

Mason: (typing) Recently widowed.

Sosha: (typing) Oh, you poor man, I know what you need.

Mason: (typing) What do I need?

Sosha: (typing) You need someone to make you feel better; I can make you feel better.

Mason: (typing) What could you do to make me feel better?

Sosha: (typing) Lets met and you’ll find out.

Finally it was time to meet. They decided to meet one weekend at a small intimate bed and breakfast; where they could be alone with no interruptions. It was the perfect situation.

Mason: (texting) So, I’ll be there to night and we will have the whole weekend to get to know each other.

Sosha: (texting) That sounds great; I can’t wait to meet you in person. I think we will have a lot to do.

Mason: (texting) I’m sure we will, see you soon.

That night he arrived at 6pm on the dot. He came with a bag of cloths, as well as a bouquet of flowers. When he got to the room and knocked on the door; it opened to a beautiful room lit with candles and soft music was playing in the background. A female voice came from the adjacent room…

Female voice: Hi, come on in and get comfortable; I’ll be right with you.

Mason: (locking the door and placing his things down on the bed) Ok! (Talking to himself) This is going to be a night to remember.

He was still getting situated, unaware of the movement around him. Instead of being greeted with the beautiful young woman he was expecting he was instead met by a wet cloth over his face that knocked him out dropping him to the floor. When he awoke the room was no longer lit by candle light, instead it was now dark with the only light coming from behind him showing him the outline of a young woman; while he discovered that he was tied up in a chair in the middle of the room.

Mason: (sitting in the dark looking at the outline on the wall) what the hell is going on here? (Trying to free himself) Sosha, where are you and what is the meaning of this?

Sosha: (the outline on the wall) What’s wrong Mason; I thought you liked the thrill of meeting anonymous women in these kinds of places.

Mason: (struggling in the chair) This isn’t what I had in mind. Can you please untie me and turn on the lights so I can see you?

Sosha: No, I think t like things better this way, keeps things interesting.

Mason: Look, I think this was a mistake; I need to leave, I have t daughter back home I need to find.

Sosha: You told me you were a widow with no family. You know (yelling) I hate liars; they make me feel a little on edge.

The next thing he heard in the darkness was the sound of a gun being loaded and as he watched the outline move towards him he felt the barrel being placed to the back of his head. He promptly begins pleading for his life.

Mason: (pleading) Please, don’t hurt me; I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll give you whatever you want.

Sosha: (whispering in his ear) The truth about who you are and what you’ve done is what I want Mason.

Mason: (breathing hard) What you want to know, I’ll tell you everything.

Sosha: How long have you been meeting other women like this (pressing the gun to his head)?

Mason: Ever since my wife became ill and we started to drift apart.

Sosha: (pressing the gun tighter) I said cut the crap, you started this when you started drifting apart, I doubt that.

Mason: Ok, ok, just when she became ill. I couldn’t be with her in that way so I started meeting young women I met on the internet; I know it was wrong but I just… I was only thinking about myself and not my family.

Sosha: And what about your daughter?

Mason: She ran away a few weeks ago, I think she found out about me and couldn’t take it. I was trying to find her, but then I met you in the chat rooms.

Sosha: Well, I’m not sure about that, the dealing part I mean. So, tell me; do you know how many there have been?

Mason: No! I lost count after the first year, my wife was sick for more than five years; so there have been plenty of them.

Sosha: Did you ever tell any of them that you loved them?

Mason: No! It was never like that with any of them. I wasn’t doing it for love, just physical pleasure. When it began I never touched any of them and then went home to my family.

Sosha: Well, thank you Mason, I think I know now all I need to about you; at least enough to make my decision.

Mason: (the gun moving from his head) So, what now? Will you let me go?

Sosha: (still behind him) I think you are fine where you are for now. I’ll just do some cleaning up before I go. Don’t worry about a thing, we will never meet again.

The last thing he feels is the wet cloth over his face once again and himself drifting off to unconsciousness. When he awoke he found himself still in the chair but free to move.  He was drowsy and sick and he couldn’t find his wallet, but he eventually pulled himself together enough to stumble away from his location and make it home without being seen. By the time he gets home his life was in shambles; he just didn’t realize it yet, it was a step by step process that in the following days; ended a once seemingly normal man’s life.

His run in with the woman named Sosha had left him with more than just a night je would rather not remember. As she promised they did not meet again but she would haunt his life until his dying day. As you know when he awoke he couldn’t find his wallet, well she did mail it back to him; but of course she had kept a record of all his information so she could open new cards in his name and max them out. She also cleaned out all his existing bank accounts leaving him with nothing. For some unknown reason he was fired from his job, when his boss found out about his secret life; along with three other male co workers. Sometime later while living in a whole in an hole in the wall motel, he found out that one of his many encounters had left him with a little gift that he could never get rid of; and would eventually end his life. And as if adding insult to injury he was never able to find his little Theo, who he was never able to make things right with.

Years went by and eventually Masson Lanett did lose to his karma and passed away, alone and broken. Theo Lanett never returned to the life she once knew, I took over. I now run a service scaring the shit out of men who don’t seem to care who they hurt in their process of seeking physical pleasure. I am Sosha Carson, I wasn’t born I was created; now looking back on it not so much by a vengeful woman seeking revenge on a non caring man. But, by a broken heart that carries a picture of what her life once was before her eyes were opened.

image: Mystery and Crime Reading Group from smsa.org.au

Let me know what you think and pass the thought along.

#short #story #stories #shortstory #shortstories #mleigh #mlshort #Mystique #questions #thoughts #conversations

[tessiepessie]

All I ever wanted was the world

Read it now on AO3 !!

Thanks to @wordshakerofgallifrey for be so kind <3 and to @anastasiaheadcanons​ because after sending that ask I decided to write the story.

                                             First things firts

When Kate left her apartament five minutes later than in a normal day, she had to run to catch the bus. At her fast steps, she didn’t see the old lady carrying a basket with fruits who was opening her store. The basket fell, rolling on the floor, and leaving a mess of apples that stopped the steps of those who were running to their jobs, and Casey’s mom told him that a good man was one who always helped his neighbor if he had the chance. That’s why he had to stop and help old Livia from the store, but he couldn't catch the last sneaky apple which ran into the street and scared a weak young cyclist who stopped so quickly that jumped from the bike and crashed into a taxi whose driver didn't see the red light because of the man with a cellphone in his hand who kept asking him for directions to the nearby library.

“Someone call an ambulance please!”

People gathered around the young man on the ground who was blinking quickly trying to keep himself conscious. The blue of the sky was hidden behind curious eyes that moved and lips that formed words, but he could not decipher what they said to him. He would be late for his classes, maybe he had to take the bus, did he have to take an exam today? So many questions and he was so tired… Maybe he should close his eyes for a minute.

The blurry faces in front of the man in the floor, went slowly into dark and the last thing he heard was someone asking for his name and the sound of an ambulance.

…

“Okay pretty ladies, get ready quickly. We have rehearsal!”

Lily clapped her hands fast, chasing the girls who, with total laziness, took their bags and walked to the camerino. The only one that was ready was Anya, with her white tutu and ribbon in her hair, she got nothing to envy to the Broadway stars. She was on stage warming-up while the cast was getting ready. So professional, Lily wished that the rest of the cast were like her, always on time and the first ready to perform. Most of the people who performed here did it as a hobby, so they didn't really try hard to make it the best show of their lives.

Seemed like that rehearsal would be a long one. She should take her vacation while she still could, Or sell the theater. Or drink a shot of vodka. Whatever works.

“Anya, why are you wearing your costume?” “I want to get used to moving in it… and I look pretty” This girl… “Okay… Everyone take positions! we start in five!”

Working in a community production was not the big dream that Anastasia had when she was five and decide that one day her name would be in some Broadway production, but at least she was doing what she loved. Even if most of the audience was made up of seniors at the matineé.

And of course, this wouldn’t be permanent. Someday she would be in Broadway oh! she could be in Wicked! or maybe in a new and exciting show. She would wait for her moment. Even if it took ten or twenty years.

Just one shitty production at a time.

…

These 24-hour shifts would be the death of him. His thoughts were not coherent by the end of his shift, and he was pretty sure he'd been staring at the wall of the break room for the past ten minutes without blinking. Dmitry wondered how much longer he could live on a diet of coffee and Red Bull before he had a heart attack. It probably wasn't healthy, but he was a nurse, not a nutritionist.

Just a few hours more and he would be sleeping at his comfy bed till the world collapses (lies, just till Vlad came to make him eat something else than sugar).

“Do you have plans for this Friday?” he needed to talk, or he would fall asleep right then and there. “My sister has a presentation with her company. We are all going to see her as a family to support her penniless career.” Maria was melted on the futon, they started the shift together so she probably was as tired as he was. No judging. “At least she does what she loves” “Hey! I love my job too, but I love sleep more”

Being friends with Maria was easy, even when she came from a crazy rich family that paid for her college tuition and he would be in endless debt for most of his life. Still, they had the same age and they started their internship at ER together. After a few weeks, they spent most of their spare time at the cafeteria sharing experience of the moody doctors and funny stories of the patients. Maria was a breath of fresh air in this shitty work and he couldn’t ask for a best partner.

They were friends.

Kind of.

They don’t usually hang out on their days off why would they? they probably see each other more than they see their families. He didn’t know where her apartment was and he knew a few thing about her family, like she had a bunch of siblings, and she wanted an insane numbers of children. But she was the only one who was friendly with him and didn't make fun of him for being a nurse, and sometimes, they go for a drink when the day was especially awful.

“Come on. I'll get you a Snickers. I need sugar”

Dmitry and Maria were halfway to the cafeteria when the stretcher came in through the emergency door. There goes my food.

Running fast, they caught up with the paramedics. Apparently, a taxi didn’t see the red light. The patient was young. They didn’t know his name yet, and even though the impact wasn't that big, he wasn't waking up.

“He's my brother!” Maria said, almost screaming. “He is hemophilic!”

She was pale and she looked like she would faint in any moment. She was frightened, and of course she was. If her brother didn’t get medical attention quickly, he could die.

Her hands were shaking when Dmitry took her away and led her to an empty room.

“Blood type Maria?” “AB, he is AB.. How did this happen to him?” she looked like she would cry in seconds and right then, he didn’t have time to deal with tears. “Call your family. I’ll be with him. You can’t deal with this in your condition. He is going to be okay, trust me.”

But honestly, he was not sure.

…

On Friday they had their first show, but most of the dancers were stumbling and the lead girl forgot her lines constantly. This was a disaster, why was she even trying?

Lily wanted to scream.

Oh, but she knows why she was doing this, but who cares (she cares). Also, they already had the cast, and the scenery was ready. They sent all of the invitations to the important people and she pulled a few strings, so with a bit of luck, the press would be here, she can’t cancel now. This would be a joke but a joke that she would be proud of, yeah… right.

“Okay okay. Everyone, we are going to have a brief recess, and then we are going to try this again.”

Anastasia’s cellphone had five missed calls when she took it. Maria usually didn’t call when she had shift. That’s weird. And she knew that she had rehearsal today. Weird, weird, weird.

“Hey Lil’s….” but her godmother was at phone looking very pale. What’s going on? “Sweetheart, we have to leave. Now. Go for your stuff, no time to change clothes.”

Her phone started ringing again. It was Olga. Weirder.

She didn’t say “hi” which was unusual because Olgas was the politest person alive, maybe Tatiana could fight the crown. She didn’t say hi, but the words that she heard made her blood cold. It was something about and an accident and Alexei, and honestly, she didn’t care for the rest.

She was running out of the theater before the call ended.

…

Maria’s coffee was cold and her tears were dry now. The surgery started an hour ago and Dmitry didn’t say anything yet. She knew that this took time, but still. IIt was her baby brother in the OR, she couldn't just relax.

The only thing that stopped her to run into the surgery was Olga holding her hand. She had a rosary in her closed fist over her heart. She was praying, just like her mother used to do it. Maria stopped believing in god long time ago, but she found the prayers relaxing. It makes her feel safe and maybe, He was listening.

Lily and Anastasia came together. Her sister was still in her costume and hurried to hug her while Lily stood awkwardly, looking at the people in the waiting room. At least Anya wasn’t crying. She always was stronger than her.

“What happened Mashka?”

What happened? What happened was a stupid driver didn't see the red light, even though red was a pretty obvious color that everyone knew meant stop. What happened was, for ABC reasons, Alexei got scared for an apple... yes, an apple, and he jumped from his bike because obviously that was his only option and he ended up cashing with the taxi. That's what happened. And now he was in surgery.

Half an hour ago, Dmitry ran by with two bags of blood into the OR. He didn’t say a word to her.

Anya didn’t sit with Maria, Olga and Lily. She just walked in the alley. Sometimes on her tiptoes, sometimes not. She’s still wearing her ballet shoes. If she just sat there, everything would be more real and and this can’t be real. She hated hospitals since Alexei born. Most of his childhood was between white walls and the smelt of antiseptic, this can’t be happening again.

But the last time that they came to an hospital was when she had seventeen and that ended with everyone wearing black. Hospitals were only bad news. She didn’t know how Maria could work here.

She didn’t know how they can stay here and just sit until someone br them news.

Lily could use a drink now. Damned hospital with their damned sober policy, and she couldn’t leave either. What kind of ruthless woman would leave these poor children alone? They may not be family by blood, but she had watched them grow. No, Lily could be an alcoholic-ish and moody woman, but she wasn’t ruthless.

She had never been good at dealing with people who were suffering, what could she do? Pat them on their backs? Maybe she could offer to go for coffee or something to eat if the surgery took longer, but for now it was enough to sit next to them and wait.

Still, the damned surgery looks like would never end.

Till it ended.

Maria was the first to get in her feet and rushed to Dmitry, who looked tired but at least he was smiling and yes, he may be an asshole sometimes, but he wouldn’t dare to be an asshole in this situation.

Anastasia hold Maria’s hand tightly and Olga put a hand on her shoulder. They waited for her to make a move, but it wasn’t necessary because exhausted Dmitry was getting anxious and couldn’t wait for her to speak

“I told you he would be fine.” Maria and her sisters felt how suddenly they could breathe again. “Yes, he could have needed blood, but wasn’t too much, it was more for precaution. He had an hemorrhage but the doctors worked quickly so it wasn’t much the damage. I guess, the doctor would be more clear. Now, if you excuse me, I need to move him to his room...” Suddenly, Dmitry looked perplexed to Anastasia for the first time, and then to Maria. “Why does she look like a doll?”

Anya at her side made a little snort while she stand straight crossing her arms over her chest. She looked proud and taller than she really is… Is she up on her toes?

“Because I was in rehearsals, and why do you care?”

Dmitry smiled and Anya mimicked his smile while Maria thought Jesus Christ.

“Come on,” Maria hurried him, taking his arm. “I will help you with Alexei,” she said rolling her eyes. ...

Alexei opened her eyes in a bright white room and felt a bit dizzy. His head hurted a lot and that was the only part of his body that he could actually feel. Everything else was numb and he was thirsty.

He felt like a car crushed him… Wait.

Oh, the apple. Yes. He remembered now. This would be a funny story in the future, but he is pretty sure that he is in trouble now.

His family is going to kill him. Maybe he should back to sleep.

“Look who is awake.”

Or maybe not.

There’s a young man beside his bed. He is smiling even when when he looked like he didn’t slept in days. Maybe he should sleep.

“Who are you?” The guy helped him into a sitting position and wow, now everything hurts and then, approached him a glass of water. Nice guy, Alexei already liked him.

“I’m Dmitry, your nurse” “Nurse? where’s the pretty blond? there’s always a pretty blond nurse in the movies.” “First of all, the only pretty blond that I know is your sister, gross. Second, we are in 2018, men can be nurses, so... let it go.”

Shit, he is in Maria’s hospital. Whatever was the reason she wasn’t here, he knows that at any moment his family will come in the door. For a 21-year-old man, Alexei was a bit scared of his sisters.

“Maria is out there?” “Yes, with an old lady who looked pissed and your sisters.” “Do they look mad?” “Nah, your sisters are just worried. They are talking with the doctor, so they should be here in no time.”

The first came in was Anastasia. She slap his forehead knowing that Olga would scold her (and she did it). Then Olga kissed his face like she did it when he was a child and Lily squeezed his cheeks. Yes, they were just worried, but that didn't stop them from asking questions or Anya from mocking him because seriously Alexei, you gave us the scare of our life just for an apple? such an idiot.

In a corner, Maria was talking with Dmitry. She couldn’t be more grateful to him, seriously. He acted with total professionalism and took good care of her brother when she was a crying mess. Another person probably would scream at her and she would hardly be able to pull herself together, but he was patient and let her be with her family. He was such a good friend. He even offered to stay a few more hours taking care of Alexei while she went to her house to shower and sleep for a couple of hours until she returned to the next day's shift.

She would think of something to return the favor.

“Why you didn’t tell me that your little sister was a prettier version of you?”

Hell no. Not on her watch.

“Because it’s information that shouldn't interest you.”

“Why?!” Dmitry sounded offended.

“Trust me, you are not her type. Actually, she has a really shitty taste in men and you are… you.”

“But I’m a good guy, I could be an improvement in her love choices.”

Seriously… what a day.

“Give me a break. I’m going to finish a few things before I left. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

It wasn’t a no, but a maybe. Still, he probably didn’t have a chance with her sister.

#dimya #dimya fics #ship: dimya #ff: All I ever wanted was the world #modern au #modern settings #ao3 #anastasia the musical #anastasia x dmitry #dmitry x anya

[peruvianshorties]

one

We live inside four brick walls, which are inside four other white walls we’ve been taught to call the sky. Lima isn’t even white, white is too bright, too pure. Lima’s grey, like a rat, or like the gravel that gets stuck under your shoe. Lima’s always busy, always mean. That’s how I see it now at least. 

It all started when I was sixteen, and my teenage God-complex didn’t see the harm in any of my actions. I was defiant, intractable, just overall awful. My parents didn’t love me. My mom wanted me to marry rich, and get our family out of the hole we were stuck in. She schemed, trying to get her boss’ son to fall in love with me, but I hated that man. He was in his late-twenties and smelled like the inside of a combi on a busy Friday afternoon. I was in love, but with Jaime. He was about to turn eighteen, and he wasn’t in love with me, but he pretended. No one had ever told me what it means when boys look at you in the ways they do. No one had ever taught me what it means when they touch you below your skirt after school. I thought physical contact was a synonym for care and endearment. Jaime taught me the latter wasn’t true, and that some of men’s looks are to be feared, and that no one should touch under my skirt. 

A few months after the first time his skin met mine, I knew something was off. I vomited and cried, and my period was gone. I asked my friends what it meant and they knew what I didn’t. I was pregnant. I didn’t understand. So I told my mom what I recently discovered and she looked at me. She looked at me with a look no daughter should ever receive. She grabbed my hair and pulled my head to the ground and up and then back to the ground again. I wailed for help, which alerted my dad. My dad didn’t stop my mom, because as soon as she saw him walk over to us, she said in the most solemn tone I’ve ever heard to this day: “La niña está embarazada.” My dad never cried, never laughed, never hugged. He was a dad, he knew his role and he never broke character. That day I saw him chuckle, as he looked away from me and left the house still in his pajamas. This prompted my mom to put some of my clothes in a plastic bag and push me out on the streets. I was left cold and alone - well, not completely alone. It was late at night, I couldn’t stop shaking and banging on the glass door of my parents’ house. I thought of sleeping at the door, but my side of town wasn’t the safest, and I didn’t know when my dad was going to come back. I was scared of what he would do to me if he saw me. I had to leave.

I dragged my body to Jaime’s house. I had never met his family, even though we had been together for a solid 4 or 5 months. We spent a lot of time at his house, but I left before anyone got there. It was a little after midnight when I knocked, and he opened the door, shocked to see me. He closed the entrance behind him and asked what I was doing at his place. I told him everything, and his expression shifted the more I talked. Once I was done, he told me to wait a minute, which was actually around 10, after he went back inside and came back. He handed me 100 soles and told me to fix it. “What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked naively. 

“Get rid of it? Move away? I have a whole life here, you can’t ruin me like this.” I felt life leaving my body. I walked away before he could go back inside or say goodbye. I walked without knowing where I was going. I walked until it was daytime. I hadn’t registered what was going on around me, I had no clue how long I walked, or where I was, only that it looked prettier and calmer. I sat down on a bench in the first park I noticed, and I looked at people walking their dogs as my tears warmed my face. 

“I’ll never let my kid have a dog.” I decided as one of the dogs came running towards me, wagging its tail. It was a mutt, brown with black splatters all over its body. The poor dog looked like it had never bathed, which I noticed was probably true after it got close enough for me to smell it. The dog tried to get me to pet him, it looked at me with its head tilted to the left and its tongue out but I shooed him away. Dogs were too happy and too energetic all the time, I liked looking at them but not having them around. But I was thinking about my kid’s future, which made me realize I wasn’t getting rid of my child. 

Lima has never been kind to me. People refused to help me. I walked around this polite looking area I stumbled on for a few hours after I met with the dogs. There was a market a few blocks down the park, so I went there to get something to eat. I was a very skinny sixteen year old. I didn’t have much to eat growing up, my mom used to tell me that’s why I never grew tall enough. People at the market thought I was way younger than what I actually was, and I used that to my advantage. I walked up to a few stands and begged the owners to let me eat an apple or to take a water bottle, but they all shooed me away as if I was the dog I’d seen before. They all shooed me away except La Senora Rosa. I asked for her help. I told her I was homeless, pregnant, hungry, and she told me to sit on the chair next to hers. “I was once a mother too, I’m old now, my husband is dead, I have no one to help me with my business here, how about I make you a deal?”  She said in her slow but confident old lady voice. She was old, her back was all bent, legs shaky, face lined, skin covered with bruises and freckles, sometimes you couldn’t make out the difference between both. She wasn’t a sweet old lady, she was rough, but she had offered me a place to live in exchange for my work so I accepted her deal. 

When we first met at the market she seemed mean, her voice was hoarse and her words sharp. She softened as the months passed and we grew closer. She transfigured into the mother figure I always dreamed of, compassionate and loving. She took me shopping for baby clothes, she paid for my hospital visits, and even though neither one of us had a lot of money, we still had a great life. When my daughter, Marianita, was born she went to work alone. 

Marianita was six months old when Rosa went to work and never came back. It was a regular Wednesday, we all woke up at 6:30 AM, stood from our shared bed and as Rosa showered, I made breakfast in the tiny kitchen/dining room as my baby slept. Then she’d wake up with the smell of scrambled eggs and orange juice and wailed to be fed. Rosa ate her breakfast and walked to the market. We lived a few blocks behind it, it was very convenient. Our apartment was small, the outside was dark green that hadn’t been washed in years, which made the color stand out less, and made the building look like all the other grey buildings around. Inside, the apartment was too cold during the winter, and too hot during the summer. It was smaller than the house I grew up in, but that didn’t bother me. There were only two rooms, the kitchen, which consisted of a stove, three cabinets above it, a round table and three chairs Rosa’s husband had built when they moved in. Then our bedroom, it had a queen sized mattress on the floor and a few blankets. There was one closet (also built by Rosa’s husband) where we put all our clothes. Finally, we had a bathroom next to our bed. It had a bucket since the actual shower was broken and we didn’t have enough money to fix it, and it had a toilet. We made it all work. Until that day, of course.

Rosa was old, her vision was decaying, and so was her coordination. Walking to work alone was getting more and more dangerous, but she wouldn’t tell me. That day she left the house at 7:14 AM, and walked to work like she always did. This time, however, was her last. Maybe she was too small for the driver to see, maybe she tripped and fell, maybe he did see her but just didn’t care. The latter would be very on brand for the city’s character. I got the call from Mr. Quispe, whose shop was next to ours at the market.  The next couple of months were just me and my daughter, walking in and out of police stations, trying to find the man who hit her. Cops here, they don’t care about people like us. After a few months their calls eventually ceased, and Rosa’s killer was never found. I tried to pressure them into doing something, I was told to get a private investigator, so I talked to one. This man told me there was nothing he could do for me almost immediately after I walked into his office, then I heard his laughter after I left. I dropped it after that.

[tina-incambodia]

Things that make my heart sing

That make it worth it… 

We had a day off on Thursday, November 9th, to observe Cambodian Independence Day which celebrates Cambodia’s independence from France in 1953. The protectorate, which encompassed the Indo-China region, merged with Cambodia in 1867 and was actually requested by the king of Cambodia at the time to avoid a territorial threat from the Vietnamese. Under the treaty, the French had control of trade, foreign relations, and the military; the Cambodian monarchy was still allowed to exist but with little power as more of a figurehead than anything else. Cambodia was viewed, by the French, as a buffer state between Vietnam and Siam as well as a tax revenue source and little attention was paid to its development. As a result, while the French were pumping money into the systems of Vietnam and Siam, Cambodia remained stagnant and mostly poor, suffering under heavy taxes.  It was only in the early 1900s when the French began to develop the country economically and structurally, simultaneously implementing an assimilation program which inserted French language and culture in the country side. This is why, my “ta,” or grandfather, and many elderly across the Cambodian rice fields, are able to speak French. In the mid-1900s, Khmer nationalism began to grow among the educated elite, with literacy still very minimal in regards to the majority, and small independence movements were established. During World War II, relations got quite complicated towards the end, Japan gained control of French colonies and urged Cambodia to declare independence, they didn’t quite reach their goal as their essential support, Japan, surrendered in the Great War and the French returned to power. Eventually, the French allowed for political parties and elections while the King tried to negotiate for full independence. Under the elected assembly, Cambodia created a constitution which proclaimed the King as a constitutional monarch. From here, Cambodians, with much negotiation and compromise, slowly gained autonomy. After a few years with some independence from the French, things got sticky in Cambodia, King Sihanouk dissolved the assembly and exercised direct rule. He demanded full independence from France and in 1953, after much deliberation and influence from the rest of the western powers, French granted full independence to Cambodia, Vietnam, and Laos. So thanks to French colonialism, the “White Man’s Burden,” and King Sihanouk, I got the first Thursday of the school year off.

I slept in, as I do whenever I can, and after 3 days of begrudgingly waking up at 5:30, a routine I will just have to get used to for the rest of my life, I was ecstatic to have a free morning. I guess when I decided I wanted to be a teacher way back in middle school I didn’t consider that fact that I love sleep and school starts way too early. When I finally awoke, I was in a slump; being in a foreign country as I am is hard enough, never mind under the circumstances of a recent heartbreak, and a new born nephew I haven’t met…. So I spent time alone in my room, eventually emerging to shower. My little sister saw my face, my eyes swollen and my nose red. “Are you sick?” she asked. I went with the simple and mostly true answer, “No, just homesick.” And in my still vulnerable state of mind, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t hold back the few tears that formed so quickly. As privacy hardly exists in Cambodia, what you say to one person will surely get around to the many. At dinner last night, my older sister and I were eating alone. “Koi told me you were crying. Don’t cry. Don’t be homesick. You don’t have to be homesick because this is your home. You have a home here. You have a little sister and a little brother and you have me. This is your home." 

It’s hard to be here. And it would be so easy to go home as Peace Corps makes it so. I’d just have to get on a plane and then my name would appear in the weekly update email, "Kristina Diogo is no longer serving with us. We wish her all the best and thank her for her service.” But there are these moments; they don’t last long so I have to hold on to them real tight. Moments like when my sister tells me, “This is your home,” that would make leaving so hard and that make staying a whole lot easier; moments that fill my heart.

This Friday marked the end of the first week of school for me. The students still have school on Saturday but me being a volunteer and all…. I also volunteer to take Saturdays off. All week I sat in classrooms and watched English teachers and their students. There are over 2,000 students, grades 7-9, almost 200 hours of English classes a week, and 7 English teachers. I am one volunteer. I’d like to work with every student, every teacher, and be present in every class, but, let me reiterate mostly for my own recognition, I am only one volunteer and I cannot do it all. The handbook says I work 20 hours a week. So out of the 200 hours, I pick 20. I am overwhelmed with the task at hand…. choosing which students and teachers I am able to work with. It seems unfair that I just get to choose and, in a sense, leave the rest behind. I walked to the front of the class to introduce myself. At the end of my little speech, the teacher asked the students, “So, do you want her to teach you English?!?!” Students replied with a loud and excited, “YES!!” He asked again with more enthusiasm, “Do you want her to teach you English?!?!” This time the students were louder, “YES!!!” Marking another moment to fill my heart and make staying here a little easier. I am overwhelmed with the daunting task of teaching around 60 students in a hot classroom but I am also overwhelmed with these kids’ eagerness and love.

In another class, the teacher attempted to sing, “If your happy and you know it,” as a part of a review, suggest by the textbook, of what students learned last year. He couldn’t quite get the tune down. I silently repeated to myself as I sat in the back of the class, only there to watch, “Please don’t ask me to sing. Please don’t ask me to sing. Please don’t ask me to sing. No, no, no. I am only here to watch.” And as he walked over to me, the class of 45 turned their heads, “Can you sing this?” “Right now?,” I replied apprehensively. "Yes.” Well, I guess I am singing today. I walked to the front of the class and reviewed the, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, say hoo-ray,” and then sang a solo to an entire class I had just met 30 minutes ago. Welp, the American can sing. At least I hope that’s what they were thinking. A nervous white girl signing a nursery rhyme in a shaky voice was their first impression, in probably their entire life, of a U.S. American. But yet, another moment to fill my heart and make staying a little easier. 

Moments like when the baby at the cafe, the one I’ve been watching as he learns to walk since I arrived, no longer scrunches his eyebrows and cries when the strange looking girl says hello, but instead gets real happy and giggles. And when his mom and dad know how I like my coffee. Moments like when I am on a long bike ride and along the road a woman I have never met invites me to sit and feeds me corn and fried bananas, just because she wants to sit and talk. Moments when my little sister tells me she’s worried about me as I leave to go into town alone for the night. Or when my little brother rides on the back of my bike so we can find a spot to watch the sunset and eat fruit together. And when I teach him checkers on board drawn in chalk on the table and he beats me on the second game when I thought I’d have to let him win. And when he is more than willing to work on my flat tire with me or fix a broken bungee cord. Moments like when a few girls in the school yard, I’ve never met, stop me to take selfies with them instead of staring at me from afar and giggling when I say hello. Moments when my older sister, who has been working non-stop day and night, stops her own work to sew a skirt for me and with no measurements taken, it fits perfectly. When she tells me she knows I’m different with my tattoos and pierced ears but she loves me all the same. Moments like when the women at the market still ask me what I am eating for breakfast every morning and we all laugh together because they know I eat the same thing every day. Moments like when I bike out to my family’s home in the rice fields to share a meal made with such great love and we all sit together and feast. These are the moments that fill my heart, and there are many more; that make staying a little easier and would make leaving so much harder. This week will mark the end of my second month here at site. Every day I have experienced moments which ground my heart and soul in this little village. So, I miss home and I cry about it sometimes, but this is my home. I don’t need to be homesick. This is my home. Every day I know I will continue to have moments that make it all worth it. I will hold on to those nice and tight and eventually, maybe, going home won’t cross my mind, ‘cause I’ll already be there.

#peace corps #peace corps cambodia #home #homesick

[wayfaringmd]

Life, Death, and Forgiveness

Sorry I've been absent, Tumblr.

My dad died on Easter Sunday. 

Wait, before you get sympathetic, let’s back up. I had spent a total of about 2 hours with my “father” in the last ten years. I quit calling him daddy/dad/father years ago and would just refer to him as “the sperm donor” most of the time. My parents divorced when I was four after my dad cheated on my mom. We moved away to my mom’s hometown and my dad lived about 3 hours away for most of my life. When I was little I’d see him for a few days at Christmas and a few days in the summer, but as I got older I saw him less and less, partially by choice, but partially because he never came around. He never paid child support and his sister actually hated me because she volunteered to pay it for him at one point, and I guess his irresponsibility was somehow my fault? For existing?

My dad was bipolar. Not the Tumblr-defined I-have-mood-swings-sometimes-so-I’m-probably-bipolar bipolar. He was the drives-6-hours-and-shows-up-at-your-doorstep-at-9pm-when-you-haven’t-seen-him-in-6-years-wanting-to-take-you-shopping type bipolar. He was the 2-hours-late-to-his-daughter’s-wedding type bipolar. He was an alcoholic and couldn’t hold down jobs well despite being skilled in a trade. He cheated on both his first and second wives. He had several arrests for DUI and possession. I distinctly remember having whiskey-spiked coffee spilled all over me in his truck once when we nearly had a wreck from his erratic driving. I was maybe 6. 

I never invited him to my high school, college, or med school graduations. He told me he was coming in high school and then no-showed. In college I told his sisters I didn’t want him there but he still threatened to show up like it was his right to be there. I notified my college police of his intentions because I didn’t want to deal with him. In med school he was explicitly not invited but he showed up anyway. He caught me in the hallway after the ceremony with my mom and grandparents. He thanked my grandfather for raising me and said about ten words to me and left. I didn’t even recognize him at first. That was the last time I saw him. 

His memorial was this past Friday. There were more people in attendance than I expected, but it was still a slim crowd. The preacher who was supposed to speak actually no-showed. Luckily there was another preacher in the congregation who sort of knew him and he offered to stand in. It was awkward. 

I am not a fan of dishonesty in funerals. Don’t talk about how nice and loving a person was when they had conflict with every member of their family. My aunt actually stood up and said, “even though he didn’t know how to show it, he really loved his family.” My sister wanted to stand and call BS on that statement. And don’t make him out to be a glowing faithful Christian when he hadn’t been to church in years and didn’t even own a Bible. Let’s call him what he was: a sad, sick, mentally ill man who didn’t know how to have healthy relationships and who died alone in his bathroom. His life and his death were pitiful. Let’s not sugarcoat it. 

My sister and I spent the weekend going through his apartment, though we didn’t get there before another family member had raided it and took all of his valuables, which we have since demanded back. We sold most of his furniture and gave away his clothes and linens and his enormous pantry full of food to his apartment neighbors.  One old lady down the hall requested his vegetables growing in pots on the patio. I took his 3 orchids, a tv, and the one picture he had of me (at about 2 weeks old). I didn’t really want anything. It sort of felt like stealing, even though legally I am his next of kin. 

Our time going through the apartment taught me a lot about his life over the past few years and confirmed a lot of things I had heard about him. He was an alcoholic. Empty vodka bottles and a court summons to appear for a hearing for a DUI were evidence enough of that. He was in very poor health. The expired Chantix and Nicorette patches proved that at least around 2014 before the meds expired, he had tried to quit smoking. From his unused insulin in the refrigerator, the glucose tablets tucked into every nook and cranny, the 6 blood glucometers and innumerable packages of lancets and test strips, I deduced that managing his diabetes was not a priority. But he did have splenda and sugar free jello in the cabinet. So that’s something. The tissues full of blood in the trash can, the CPAP, the nebulizer, the canes and walkers, and the seven grocery bags full of empty and expired drug bottles painted for me a picture of a dying man trying to survive. 

I imagine some of you readers may feel that this post has been very crass and unloving. Sorry. I didn't cry at his funeral and I haven't cried over his death at all. I don't miss him. What *does* sadden me is the thought of another human being dying alone and without any strong connection to another person. The condition of his life saddens me. He was the picture of the type of person who I try my hardest to help at work- the person with limited resources, complex medical history, and a troubled mind. But I had no interest in helping him, and that worries me. I mourn the absence of a father-daughter relationship in my own life and for my sister as well. I think I have forgiven him for his abandonment, at least more so than my sister has, but forgiveness is usually a process that requires repeating over and over, so maybe this post is a little part of that process.

#pardon my gut spillage #family #death #feels #mental illness

[realrhythmskrp]

DISPATCH, (04/08/17): Mirage Media has officially released information about main rapper, main dancer, and main vocalist, Song Areum, also known as Aria, on skyLectric’s official website! Aria is a ‘91 liner and has been beloved by fans since her debut in 2012. Find out more about Aria below!

I, SONG AREUM, have read and understand the terms and conditions as my position of SKYLECTRIC’S MAIN RAPPER and agree to honor the standards that are to be expected of me as an employee of MIRAGE MEDIA.

OOC INFORMATION

Preferred name: Elli

Pronouns: she/her

Timezone: EST

Other muses: Jo Dahye

IC INFORMATION

Faceclaim: Kim Hyuna

Name: Song Areum

Stage name (if applicable): Aria

Idol concept: Aria is considered the seductress of skyLectric, known to give off a dangerous aura when performing, yet maintaining a level of sexiness that appeals to male fans and labels her as a ‘girl crush’ to female fans. Her minimal activity on social media and quiet yet calming presence on variety and reality shows makes her appear mysterious as well, and while it does draw fans in and make them appreciate the few times that she is more personable, it makes her an easy target for hate and rumors. For the most part, Aria doesn’t mind– at the end of the day it’s all a part of the job, and being able to let loose and act outside of her actual demeanor certainly makes her days more interesting. The one thing she dislikes is having to solely appeal to male fans, but as she comes to terms with her sexuality, she sees this as both a blessing and a curse.

Birth date and age: May 12th, 1991 / 25

Company name: Mirage Media

Group Name (if applicable): skyLectric

Group Position (if applicable): Main rapper

Strengths: STRONG RAPS: Aria’s intention was never to rap, but since debuting she’s been motivated to improve her abilities after growing sick of having a few weak seconds of rhymes. When her group isn’t promoting and she isn’t busy with a drama, she’s more than likely rehearsing and meeting up with rap coaches, and has displayed her growth through various videos posted on social media and features on other people’s tracks. Despite her claims that her rapping has improved over the years, skyLectric’s music doesn’t allow her to show this and she doesn’t see a solo debut for herself in the near future. DANCE: She’s not skyLectric’s dance machine for no reason. Aria has basically been dancing for as long as she could walk, from dance lessons, to her dance crew in New York, to training for six years. She’s often creating choreography, both for her own practice videos and for skyLectric’s performances, and one of her biggest post-idol goals is to open a dance studio. STAGE PRESENCE: When Aria performs, she easily attracts all eyes to herself. No matter the song (even the songs that she hates), she looks as if she’s having the time of her life. Paired along with perfectly timed eye contact with the crowd, plus a few winks, grins and poking out of her tongue here and there, eyes often gravitate to her when audience members are unfamiliar with the group as a whole.

Weaknesses: CONTROLLING STREAK: It’s not an exaggeration to say that when working with Aria, it’s her way or the highway. When it comes to topics that she feels confident in, she’ll argue to hell and back trying to prove her point. This often leads to conflicts not only with her group members (mainly her leader as she talks over her commands), but with producers as well, and especially choreographers. SEEMINGLY FRIENDLESS: Aria’s limited social media presence means that she has very minimal opportunities to interact, both with her fans and other fellow idols. On one hand, this works out for her mysterious image, but on the other hand, it makes her look as if she’s not comfortable with anyone but her group mates. She keeps a small circle of idol friends, but there’s never anything to show for it besides offhanded mentions on shows. In a business where networking plays a key role in exposure, Aria can’t be bothered to force a smile on her face and interact with people she doesn’t care to interact with just because their high profile will help to benefit her. This has only made it easier for people to spring up rumors about her being an unlikable person and make up conflicts for her, all because there’s not much evidence out there to prove otherwise. FANSERVICE: As a person that prefers to show her appreciation and affection towards people with subtle actions, Aria often struggles when it comes to the direct (and almost obnoxious) acts done to show appreciation to fans. Either she misses the mark and barely gives more than finger hearts, or she’s over the top, leading to cringe worthy videos of it being passed around and being mocked for it.

Positive traits: Resourceful, Motivated, Protective

Negative traits: Stubborn, Blunt, Spiteful

PERSONAL HISTORY

“congratulations, it’s a baby girl.”

may 12th, 1991 at 9:32 in the morning. areum aria song took her first breath in mount sinai hospital, bringing much happiness and relief to her anxious parents. the apartment that she grew up in might have been bare of possessions, but for what they couldn’t provide financially, they made up for with love. even as a young child, aria was always aware to some extent that her family was poor– it was obvious in the way that her parents never seemed to be hungry around dinnertime, how stressed they looked whenever they opened the mail, or how her birthday and christmas time was always less extravagant than what she saw on television or heard about from her friends. they had less, but that was okay. it could never stop her from wanting to get more for herself.

“we practice on wednesday, friday and saturday. you should come down, when you can.”

aria is ten years old when she found her first love, and no, it wasn’t a person. a local community center in her neighborhood hosted dance practices, and as a way to stay out of her parents way, she signed herself up in a heartbeat. as it turned out, she was a natural, starting off with tap and jazz before eventually branching out to whatever form she could find. by age thirteen, aria leaves the community center with a few other members to form a dance crew called nuAGE, and they start uploading their choreography and routines to youtube.

what started off as friends goofing around eventually picked up traction, and within a year nuAGE had thousands of youtube subscribers. busking in times square and coney island soon turned into paid gigs, and soon dance turned into more than just a hobby for aria. she was young, with years ahead of her, yet she was already debating whether or not this was going to be her future, or if she should soar a little lower.

“bkb entertainment is holding global auditions. why don’t you give it a try, see what they think of your skills?”

truthfully, aria wasn’t entirely sure why she went– even as she was in line, she still considered sneaking off every now and then before her name was called. she hadn’t told her parents, they would be expecting her home by sun down, she had tons of homework to do, yet even with all the excuses, she still managed to stay in the waiting area until she was called back. maybe it was just fate, or maybe her being more foolish than she ever thought she was, but in the end it paid off. aria soared through her audition, and by age fifteen she was packing her bags to move to seoul and train under bkb entertainment.

her training under bkb lasted for all of two years before she decided not to renew and find a different, better company to train under, all she wanted to do was dance and they were far too restrictive and controlling for her tastes. after months of nonstop searching she chooses to sign with mirage media, and from then on out she soared, quickly finding herself as part of the lineup for a predebut group not even a year after she started to train there.

“mom, dad… i think i’m gay.”

adulthood hit aria like a ton of bricks, both with new responsibilities and realizations as she finally got closer and closer to her actual debut. one, that she was woefully unprepared for her new role as a rapper that had been forced upon her. two, that despite her reassurances that she was fine, there was a part of her that was still bitter over the fact that she was passed over the opportunity to lead her group. and three, perhaps the most important of all– aria was absolutely, without a doubt in her mind, not straight. it had taken her years to grasp this information, and much longer to build up the courage to tell someone.

her parents were the first people that she came out to, over the phone after she warmed them up with her debut announcement. they hung up on her, and they haven’t called back since. ‘fuck ‘em’, she’ll say when anyone asks her about them, her face looking as nonchalant as ever when deep down the memories drive a knife into her heart.

she hasn’t told another soul since, and at this rate, she doesn’t plan to.

“hello, i’m aria, skyLectric’s passion! please treat us well!”

as always, things begin to look up, mainly because aria refuses to stay in the dumps. she might not lead her group, but she’s established herself as a pillar of support for the other three (along with their previous potential members), and that’s good enough. rather than settle with being yet another mediocre idol rapper, she pushed herself to at least show some sort of improvement over the last five years. naturally, she has her complaints here and there, but as long as she can still get on stage and dance her heart out, she’ll never have a day without a smile on her face.

#ryt:accepted #ryt:mirage #ryt:skylectric #rytaria

[the-record-columns]

Oct. 30, 2019: Columns

Watching TV with Sgt. Valentine

By KEN WELBORN

Record Publisher

When I was a small boy living with my parents in an apartment on Hinshaw Street in North Wilkesboro, there was an older couple living upstairs who had become very close to my mom and dad.

Their names were Stella and Isaac Valentine, Sergeant Valentine, to be exact; who had been through the Spanish American War, World War 1 and World War II.  To say he was a career soldier was an understatement—he got angry when he was told he couldn't go to Korea. 

Stella was like a grandmother to me, telling me often that, when I was a baby, she pulled me around in a little red wagon, and, like my mother, Cary, Stella would often remind me that she named me Kenneth and that I was a perfectly darling child.

I grew up on Hinshaw  Street in the 1950's, and the Roy Cashion family, who lived in the house just below our apartment, and the Valentines upstairs, both had televisions. I would often watch cartoons on Saturday mornings with the Cashion girls, but most evening television I saw was when we would go upstairs to see “...The Sarge,” as Pa would say.

It was on these evening visits that I saw and came to love such shows as “I love Lucy,” “The Jack Benny Show,” “The Ed Sullivan Show,” “The Red Skelton Show,” and “The Jackie Gleason Show,” all for just pure fun. For action and drama, we had James Arness (and Miss Kitty) in “Gunsmoke” and Broderick Crawford in “The Highway Patrol.” An aside to Broderick Crawford; in 1949, he starred in the movie about he life of Huey Long, “The Kingfish” of Louisiana politics.  The movie was called “All the Kings Men,” and it was a classic, and actually makes me thing a bit about the bitterness in politics today.

Moving right along, a couple of the shows were the most memorable to me “The Jack Benny Show,” starring the oldest 39-year-old man on the planet was some of the best dry-wit humor I have ever seen.  Benny, along with his gravel-voiced sidekick Rochester, dealt with Benny's vanity and legendary penny-pinching-miserly ways through some wonderfully hilarious routines.

However, I suppose it was “The Jackie Gleason Show,” that I liked the best of all, and that was because of the classic skits Gleason and Art Carney produced called “The Honeymooners.”  While I rarely ever admit that a computer has any use— except to stress people out who are writing on a deadline—if you take time to look up those old Honeymooner episodes, you will truly be entertained and amazed. Gleason played a hard-luck blowhard New York bus driver named Ralph Kramden, and Carney was the perfect straight man—along with Audrey Meadows as Kramden's long-suffering wife, Alice.  Week after week Kramden got into one scrape or another while usually trying to get by with one scam or another by pulling the wool over Alice's eyes, only to ultimately be busted and looking foolish.  No matter the circumstance or the plot of these skits, however, they always wound up well with Ralph holding Alice in his arms and ending with his trademarked line, 'Baby, you're the greatest!”

Now, for the thing that brought me to this column to begin with—the late Muhammad Ali.  This may seem like a stretch, but switch gears in your mind to anytime you have seen Ali in the news in the past several years—a shaking shell of what he used to be.

When I would go to the Valentines apartment with Dad on Friday nights to watch television, there was a weekly program called the Gillete Cavalcade of Sports—the Friday Night Fights.

Boxing.

The old Sarge loved to watch boxing, and it was his TV, so we all watched with him.  Even back in those days, long before medical issues were ever being raised, my daddy The Preacher wondered aloud about the point of boxing matches.  I cannot honestly remember exactly how he would put it, but it was to the effect of; “If the object of the game is to injure the other player to the point of being unconscious, what is sporting about it.”

On the news during the coverage of Muhammad Ali's death in June of 2016, I heard it noted several times that he had taken 29,000 blows to the head during his boxing career.

Yes, 29,000.

Palestinian leader sentences 7-year-old Palestinian boy to death 

By AMBASSADOR EARL COX and KATHLEEN COX

It seems paying salaries to terrorists is more important to the Palestinian Authority (PA) than continuing to pay for the highly successful, though incomplete, leukemia treatment for a 7-year-old Palestinian boy in Israel’s Ichilov Hospital.

Since his diagnosis in 2015, Majed has been receiving cutting edge treatment in Israel by Israeli specialists but the heartless PA recently ended his treatment. The family of Majed Muhammad Majed Ah-Sha'er has appealed to PA President Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, to change his decision but as of today, it remains the same.  Young Majed is being used as a political weapon against Israel. In keeping with their “victimhood” narrative, the PA is claiming that young Majed could die and they are blaming it on Israel! 

The Palestinian Authority is currently facing a dire, but self inflicted, financial crisis due to a decision by PA Chairman Mahmoud Abbas to drag the Palestinian economy into an abyss.  Rather than use the revenue in their coffers to pay for much needed medical care for Palestinians like Majed, the PA would rather direct their financial resources to preserving the PA's policy of encouraging terror by rewarding terrorists and their families with generous salaries.

Israel put an end to the Palestinian “Pay for Slay” program by withholding the amount ($138,000,000) the PA admitted to using from the tax revenues collected by Israel on its behalf, to pay salaries to terrorists.  The PA views terrorists as their soldiers and therefore they claim to have a responsibility to pay terrorists and their families who are acting on behalf of the Palestinian Authority by fighting the enemy - Israel.  So, in order to make up for the shortfall in revenue needed to pay the terrorists, the PA has decided to cut medical payments to Israel for the treatment of those Palestinians who need medical care beyond that which is available in Gaza or the West Bank.  

Israel has collected more than $138,000,000 in tax revenue on behalf of the Palestinian Authority but the PA is refusing to receive the remaining tax money.  They want it all or nothing without regard to the hardships this creates for Palestinian people like Majed and his family. Such decisions have little impact on Palestinian leaders, such as Jibril Rajoub, who recently received medical care at the same Israeli hospital where young (though poor) Majed was receiving treatment.  

Abbas' decision to refuse the tax revenues from Israel is based on the PA's basic principle that the terrorists - all of them, without distinction between stone throwers and murderers, between members of Fatah or Hamas or Palestinian Islamic Jihad or the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, and so on - did not carry out acts of terror but only did what the PA "ordered them to do" therefore they are soldiers and deserving to be paid.  

Israel is willing to give to the PA the funds it is withholding if the PA will agree to stop their “Pay for Slay,” or “murder for hire,” program. Thus far they have refused.

 The Palestinians would rather send young Majed and others like him to early graves rather than stop paying murderers to kill Jews. This is pure evil. 

Banjos, Gold and a few Ghost Stories  

By CARL WHITE

Life in the Carolinas

The room was filled with visual displays of history and the sounds of Bluegrass music. I found myself in the midst of the long running weekly Friday night Bluegrass gathering with an audience of enthusiastic toe tapping fans.

I’m also a big a fan of Bluegrass music and the culture that defines it.  A few years back, during an on location production trip to Leatherwood Mountains in the Blue Ridge, I had a long conversation with Jared Shumate. I had been considering producing a program about the culture of Bluegrass music for some time. I wanted to hear Jared’s thoughts because of his work as an associate producer on Life In The Carolinas.  More than that we had the common experience of growing up in the foothills of North Carolina where great Bluegrass music is common place. It was during that conversation that the decision was made to launch The Bluegrass People, which can best be described as a living organic documentary project; it has a growing national and international following.

Over the years I have made several trips to Gold  Hill NC for different stories, including the Friday night bluegrass event at the Montgomery General Store, run by Vivian and Hoppy. Vivian Hopkins is a business owner, an author, musician, road scholar and the President of the NC Bluegrass Music Association. Most important, she has become a wonderful friend and has worked with me on many projects, including The Bluegrass People.

Gold Hill is a charming historic destination with a definite place in history. It was once said by the mayor of Charlotte that he hoped that one day Charlotte would become as prosperous as Gold Hill. It is noteworthy that his wish did come true.   The reason for the area's great wealth was due to the fact that Gold Hill was a successful gold mining community that predated the great California Gold Rush. Nearby Reed Gold Mine, established in 1799, has the prestige of being the first gold mine in America.

The dirt streets from the past have been paved. However, a wooden boardwalk on each side of the street gives you a sense of days gone by. It looks a bit like a movie set, but the buildings and the people are real.

I discovered that there are many ghost stories relating to the time when Gold Hill was thriving. The area was home to thousands of miners, hotels, salons, brothels and a few churches. There are stories of fits of rage with love gone wrong, business dealings gone afoul and just plain horrific accidents that cost the lives of many. So if there were to be a place with a good offering of ghost stores, Gold Hill certainly has a past that fosters that notion.

I had the opportunity to produce a TV special on the subject of the Gold Hill’s history and ghost stories, and there were things that happened that I have no answer for. I did not feel fear or threatened in any way, but I do understand why these ghost stories have survived the passage of time.

I love discovering places that have many sides to them. You know, the kind of place where every time you visit you find something new.

Gold Hill has given me several gifts. I have enjoyed music and the family-like spirit that represents an important part of the wonderful culture of this region. I have learned more about American history and how gold was a game changer for so many.

I have walked where some of our ancestors walked and where some say they still do.  

Carl White is the executive producer and host of the award winning syndicated TV show Carl White’s Life In the Carolinas. The weekly show is now in its eleventh year of syndication.   For more on the show visit  www.lifeinthecarolinas.com and join the free weekly email list. It’s a great way to keep up with the show and things going on in the Carolinas. You can email Carl White at [email protected].  

[onlinemarketingcourses]

So, I have some big news – I QUIT

So, I have some BIG news…

I am going to open enrollment for each of my online courses one last time (on December 14th)… and then, I intend to never sell these courses again.

Or, in other words:

After this final enrollment, I am quitting online courses.

(And don’t worry. If you already invested in one of my courses, you won’t lose access. The website will still live on. I’m just done selling them after one final enrollment period).

“Why? ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!”

No.

I’m not crazy.

“IS THIS A SCAM? A TRICK? A GIMMICK?”

Absolutely not.

It’s real.

“OKAY TELL ME EVERYTHING.”

Sure.

Here’s the full story…

The Golden Years

I started Social Triggers in 2011.

I had the worst haircut.

The worst handwriting.

And the worst video quality…

…but things still went great.

I had no idea how I planned to make money, but I didn’t care. I just liked sharing cool content, psychology research, and applying it directly to online business.

I wrote. I had a marketing podcast before podcasting was cool. And I filmed YouTube videos.

And I built a following pretty damn fast. Millions of visitors. Almost a half a million email subscribers. And I was making millions of dollars.

It was so strange, too. I grew up poor. My dad was in jail most of my life. My mom was on welfare. And I was surrounded by drug addicts who would steal money from my mom. Things were pretty bad.

And now, I was an “internet guru” teaching other businesses how to start and grow their business. And it was working. Like crazy.

It was the golden years for Social Triggers…

And Then Something Went Wrong In 2015…

I didn’t spot it at the time.

However, look at the facts:

I published a video on YouTube in September 2015, and then I never published one until March 2017 – almost a 2 year hiatus.

I released this infographic on Facebook in November 2015. It went super viral. People ended up stealing it and pretending like they made it, but this is literally how I felt at the time… even when business was going great.

And even though 2016 went on to become my best year in business, I felt more and more burnt out.

Enter 2017.

I Felt Burnt Out – BAD

I finally realized I was suffering from burn out, and I knew I needed to do something about it.

So, I started experimenting with new business ideas and business models.

1. I experimented with a social skills course, and even though I loved teaching it, I didn’t thinK I could scale it. So I killed the project.

2. I launched a fitness coaching program. This was out of left field, of course, especially for me, so I partnered with a fitness expert to deliver it. This also went well, but I didn’t think I would find that business interesting, either.

3. I began researching physical product businesses. I talked to the owner of a childrens’ toy company, and thought about partnering up with them to bring children toys to market. I also talked to an apparel company and thought about marketing clothing.

4. I launched a high end mastermind where successful business owners paid $25,000 to join for 6 months for both business advice and coaching.

5. I hired a new videographer to create videos, and then proceeded to make… almost no videos.

Even though this sounds like I was all over the place, I can tell you that, it’s because I was all over the place. I was experimenting, and trying to find something else I could do here at Social Triggers that would alleviate the burnout.

None of it worked.

And that’s when I realized it’s because Social Triggers was a great business…

…but I didn’t understand WHY I was doing it.

Sure, I enjoyed helping business owners, and watching them get results is absolutely amazing, but I felt myself wanting to do something bigger. Something more important. Something that could impact more people, in more ways.

And quite frankly, build something that could become a huge business that regular people would know about.

But Then I Got Lucky After One Conversation…

So, there I was. It was the end of summer of 2017, and I was telling my friend about my problems at his lake-house in Connecticut.

And he said, “So, let’s start a new company. I’ve been thinking about getting into the health and wellness space. You interested?”

“But I don’t have an audience in that space, but I have an idea. I’ve been talking to another friend about doing this for years, and maybe now is the time to do it.”

So, I called her up, and within about 2 weeks, I co-founded a new company called Truvani, where we sell health and wellness products (like protein powder, marine collagen, turmeric, bone broth, etc).

We kept the company lean, at first.

We had a crazy idea to use high quality ingredients in our products… it’s crazy because even the companies who say they use high quality ingredients had lower standards than we had… and I wasn’t sure if it would work out.

But still, by November 2017, we pre-launched our first product – a turmeric supplement. And things went very well. So well, in fact, that I finally felt alive again.

LOOK HOW MUCH FUN I WAS HAVING:

First, I truly believed in our mission – creating high quality supplements, with real food ingredients.

Second, the challenges associated with a physical product business were exciting.

And finally, I felt like I had some new things to talk about for Social Triggers.

So, I Did Something Even Crazier…

I started 2018 strong. I started a daily vlog where I wanted to take people “behind the scenes” of my daily life of running 3 separate companies – Social Triggers, Zippy Courses, and Truvani.

Like I didn’t have enough on my plate already, but whatever. I jumped and planned to figure it out as I went along for the ride.

At first.

I published one video every single day. There was no real “purpose” behind the video a day ordeal other than the fact that I’ve always been a creative at heart and felt like I had something to say.

We did cool videos, too.

I played chess.

I taught random business and life lessons from the park.

I told the story of the Empire State building being built in a year.

But all the projects began to add up. It was too much work.

It Became Too Much – And Then I Had To Get Honest

When we began shipping our first Truvani product, and launched it to the world, I realized something…

Starting a business like Truvani was invigorating. I was doing something that I believed mattered for the world. And I was having a lot of fun doing it.

…but the work from all of my businesses began to pile up.

I had a daily vlog. Social Triggers. Zippy Courses. Truvani.

And it all came to a head when we started shipping our first product from Truvani at the end of February 2018.

We began shipping it, and launched it again, and everything went so well, that I was left thinking, “Wait a second. Truvani has some real legs here. Maybe I need to focus on this 100%.”

And the work was becoming TOO MUCH, but I thought I could handle it.

And Then I Got HUGE News

I found out I was having a baby.

So, there I was.

I had Social Triggers, Zippy Courses, Truvani, a Daily Vlog, and a new baby on the way.

I had to get real.

I quit vlogging on the drop of a hat. I didn’t have the time, and something had to give.

And then I thought about axing Social Triggers, as an online course business, and just focus on Zippy Courses and Truvani.

…but would I really do that?

Social Triggers?

My reputation.

My personal brand.

My business.

Would I really just walk away?

I wasn’t so sure.

Social Triggers was my baby. And now I would be going dark. I’d disappear from the public eye, and go “behind the scenes” in a different company.

I was still an owner. A co-founder. But I wouldn’t be the Derek Halpern that everyone knew and loved (and maybe hated).

I Deliberated About This Decision FOR MONTHS

I loved Social Triggers, and I loved my new business. But things started going so well at Truvani, that the work kept piling up.

We launched our first product in February 2018. We launched another in May. Another in July. And we were changing peoples lives for the better around the world through this new company and our new products.

I slowly brought over all of my employees from the Social Triggers information business into my new company Truvani.

I stopped creating new content on a regular basis.

And to be truthful, my heart was all in on Truvani, and Zippy Courses, but I wasn’t ready to admit it to the public yet.

Then My Daughter Harper Was Born…

Her name is Harper Halpern.

She’s pretty cute, if I say so myself.

And I plan to dress her exactly how I dress.

Black sweat pants. Black t-shirt. Sparkling shoes.

She doesn’t fit in them yet, but I have them ready!

Now…

One of the things I believe in most is taking decisive action, and it’s an example I’d like to set my daughter as she gets older.

Winners don’t hem and haw. Winners pick a direction, and go in that direction.

…And it’s time that I do the same thing.

Social Triggers, as a publisher of online courses, will no longer exist.

I plan to take things back to the beginning.

I’ll publish content when I have something important to say, but I won’t be actively looking to turn everything into an online course.

I’ll just share cool content. Psychology research. And other stuff that I think you will find valuable. But I won’t be trying to sell the content.

So…

You’ll get content with no strings attached.

So, while this may be Goodbye to online courses…

…You’ll quickly find that I still have a big mouth ;-).

If you’re on my email list, you’ll still get emails.

Just no more “online course sales” after this final sale.

If you want to learn more about the new company I co-founded, here’s the link.

Check Out Truvani

If you want to see the “behind the scenes” of my new life…

…I highly suggest you follow me on Instagram.

GO FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM.

And if you want to hear more about when I launch my courses for the last time, look for an email from me on Friday.

ALSO – THE SALE IS LIVE.

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