#we knew fucking nothing of the world

[420pogpills]

growing up with soviet cartoons was WILD

#i mean i had it easy as the ussr was already dissolved by the time i was born #my parents and grandparents tho.. SHEESH #we knew fucking nothing of the world #russia likes to keep it that way

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[rosieshipper]

I am emotionally unwell from the Fiona and Cake finale

Spoilers in the tags

#there was nothing he could do to change it #there was no way for him to get Betty back #because of the choices they made in life which led them to where they were now #there’s no changing the past #fucking hell man #most of me knew this would happen #but a part of me hoped by some chance Simon would be able to save Fiona’s world and get Betty back #but that’s not how it works #at least he saved their world #and he seems to be happy #god i hope there’s a season two because they left a lot of cliffhangers #I wanna know what happened to Betty #Did she separate from Golb and just cease to exist? #i just need to know #currently planning an au where shit is different tho #because we all deserve a happy ending #adventure time spoilers #fiona and cake spoilers #fiona and cake #adventure time #simon petrikov #betty grof #golbetty

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

i'm allowed to humanize sculpture i'm allowed to sexualize sculpture i'm allowed to acknowledge that being created just to be viewed is inherently exhibitionistic and that one as a viewer forfeits their uninvolvement by stepping into the role of a voyeur when they look upon what is there to be looked upon

#i am not giving this up my brain is stuck on it #“go do your schoolwork” blah blah what about exploring the inherent eroticism that all statue holds when viewed? #what about that? #what about sensuality in art? what about the eroticism? #what about the voyeurism that ran rampant as a subject of controversy after the first italian printed pornogrophy panels came out #in the sixteenth century? #what about the fact that pornography wasn't as easy to get your hands on as it is today? #what about the fact that going to a church and jerking it to christ is something that absolutely happened numerous times #and undoubtedly was something sculptors knew of when sexualizing him? #what about that?? #let me open your eyes #you're blinded. i must free you from your narrow view of the world #work and school and day-to-day life means nothing #the themes the metaphors the allegories the philosophies the art the eroticism #why isn't that what matters? why must i spend my time writing a paper that in the end will only serve as a way to express my thoughts? #why shouldn't i gather everyone up and speak to them #my lovely followers. we must see truth #what the fuck am i going on about #this project is messing with my mind (revealing truths oft-hidden in favor of the banal)

[astro-inthestars]

.....

Mm.

#rennikorambles #/neg ... sigh #no she didnt reject me #no i didnt mess up #no ididnt even CHICKEN OUT. #i had everything i had my courage i had my words i had my loose plan ready i was ready. #i wasnt gonna chicken out. and the worse that could happen i knew was that she wasnt ready. #i had high hopes. youve seen a glimpse of the hype havent you guys? #but of course. the one . ONE thing that could ruin everything. isnt me. isnt laurel. but the world it-fucking-self. #the auditions were canceled and we didnt know. our teacher told our class prez but he didnt tell us. or the very least laurel #didnt send it in any gcs and everything. and im not even upset about the auditions ofc im not. sure i care about it but #it could all move to a year later and i wouldn't care . or well i would of course but just.. #but the fact that i had all this hope for this one moment for this one CHANCE and it all goes down the fucking drain #her friend (and by extension mine) lets call her Brash Girl which you can expect how she is. was literally just caught up in the whole thing #and of course with her stuck with us i couldnt do anything. #dragged me to 7-11 to mope about our teacher who canceled the auditions and. #.... yeah. no shot. nothing. laurel asked her mom to pick her up. i watch her leave. i leave. the end. #after all that effort. all that dreaming. all that hoping nothing. #i know it's not the end of the world. i know i'll get another chance. but god does it fucking suck. #im exhausted and disappointed and tired and i. i dont know. #i need a breather.

[astxrwar]

your brain is sooooo sexy and huge pls never stop psychoanalyzing Characters and writing beautiful weird porn about it 🧎

teehee giggling and twirling my hair and blushing and things of such nature this fills my fucked up little heart with joy

i went temporarily insane in the tags but im better now. (lying)

#if there is one thing abt me i WILL dream up freaky little psychosexual scenarios #and then put them out into the world and be like ‘🫣oh geez’ #i was reading some stuff like ‘this would be hotter if he was believably fucked up’ #and there’s so much to work with like he’s nuts. he literally shows abusive tendencies in tfatws #like psychologically he was using fear to control zemo. the breaking his cup thing? intentional. ppl don't do that by accident #he did nothing short of what he knew he could get away with. #he 100% disregarded sam’s consent in even letting zemo out. #if we want to interpret the list of reparations Correctly he fucking stalks WS victims and forces confrontations. manipulated one of them! #NO boundaries. NO issue with coercion. EXTREMELY dubious morality #they laid all this out and then tried to woobify him because nobody thinks deeply abt the psychological motivations #because (sorry im ranting i smoked weed and now. brainrot) of toxic masculinity culture unironically #none of this is seen as bad bc a certain level of abuse justification is embedded in society. #lundy bancroft's why does he do that. lifechanging experience #astxrwar.txt #ask

[simplydnp]

fuck

#trigger warning for anti-queer legislation & transphobia further in the tags #it's just so. awful. and i forget sometimes cause i'm here on my tumblr bubble & i havent left the house in 3 months due to chronic illness #but i am very lucky to live where i live and get to do what i do and i cant even do that anymore. because of this illness #and while im away. theyre. hurting my kiddos. taking away their rights. 'for the children' they say. fuck off. #'leaves them with less choice as adults' what does that even fucking mean. nothing! it means nothing. its to scare you. #do i need to send a letter home to call a child by a nickname instead of their government birthname?? #i'll let you all in on a secret: my government name is not char. but my teachers called me it. and my parents didnt need to be notified. #and the world didnt end! #i had a pride flag up in my room. and a kid asked me what it meant. and immediately i knew it was delicate. #hes like whats it for. and im like well. what does a flag mean to you? do you have a flag you connect with? #and the kid was like yeah. its like. community. and im like yeah! that's what this is for some people. it's also a show of support. #and the kid said 'oh i get it.' and then a pause. 'i like the colours' and i said me too! #and we talked about his country flag and other country flags and completely moved on #but he listened! and he learned! this kid hardly listens to me teach but he respects when i'm real. #auoghhh. so many kids affected. genuinely makes me ill. on top of everything. #i dont even know #c.text

[navelgazed]

LRB also the one-two hit shadowbringers endwalker combo. I'm not kidding when I tell you I will think about emet-selch/azem/hythlodaeus/venat for the rest of my life. I am so full of yearning.

#the tragedy of ShB and EW both being trapped by grief in between two worlds unable to move on #the way grief twisted emet selch into a monster his former self would not recognize #and the fact that what happened happened. there was no happy ending. the trio is shattered #their friend as they once knew them is gone unrecognizable #and nothing can put the pieces back the way they were #and we just have to live with that. #fucking kill me to death #ffxiv endwalker #ffxiv shadowbringers #ffxiv spoilers

[mantisgodsdomain]

Maybe the reason that we're Like That nowadays (plays pretty much exclusively random obscure to semi-obscure indie games and tends to gravitate towards games with flaws that, although not glaring, noticeably fuck with the experience) is because the only things we played when we first started were games which would be either forgotten or considered to be terrible later down the line.

#we speak #potentially necessary context we did not do gaming until we saved up $200 to buy a 3ds in like 2011 due to issues we will not get into #and even nowadays we shy HEAVILY away from getting games that are Too Expensive (over $5 and not with a good discount) #this is related to the reason that we now heavily advocate against the heavy censorship and control put in place to “protect minors” #this censorship does nothing for protection it only makes them worse off and more vulnerable to people who may wish to harm them #as well as making it so that when theyre finally “old enough” to learn about the basic parts of the world that were withheld from them #they will have to shift around FAR more stuff to fit it into their worldview than if they just. knew about it sooner #and will in turn be far more likely to develop an unhealthy relationship with these concepts and the basic parts of their flesh they regard #the further the current trend swings towards Protect The Kids the more concerned we get #because kids need protection from their own families far more often than they need protection from like. The Concepts Of Death And Sex #and in our experience trying to shelter kids from these things just gives them fucked up relationships with their own bodies later #not that we're better about this admittedly but still

[hella1975]

WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME NOW OF ALL TIMES 🤺🤺 BACK 🤺 BACK I SAY 🤺🤺🤺

#not the childhood best friend popping up it’s as if he knows my mental health is fucked when I’m home #he said yes now is a great time to reach out actually #and he’s right too! i know damn well I’m gonna respond! #basically <- typed that word and burst out laughing bc idk how to even START explaining this mf to you guys #basicallyyyy me and him were in the same form at secondary so EVERY DAY we saw each other and in year 8 we dated #for a good while actually but tbh my mental health was FUCKED all caps FUCKED in year 8 like there was nothing special about it #it's just i reckon it was the first proper depressive episode i had and being so young i didnt know yet how to handle it #so i just spiralled and i did some really awful things and my home life really suffered for it and being me no one at school had a CLUE #so he was just like 'yes we are in love!' and i knew i didn't like him romantcially but i strung him along anyway #bc he genuinely was one of the few things keeping me above water at the time #which looking back i now know was a bad thing to do and i should have called it off sooner but like #his friendship was EVERYTHING to me at the time bc he was like really. adoring? he was really really infatuated with me #and at a time when i was convinced i was a monster it was just. i cannot explain how much he kept me sane #though he was obvs OBLIVIOUS to all that and when i finally got Mentally Healthy again i obvs broke up with him bc it was the right #thing to do and he was DEVASTATED like this man was vaguing about me on sc and refused to talk to me for MONTHS #but eventually we became friends again and at a time when i was changing friendship groups every YEAR if that he was just #a really consistant point in my life and i loved him a lot. BUT he always went for really batshit girlfriends and they always HATED me #no matter how nice i was to them and he'd always break up with them and crawl back to me and we argued like cat and dog like #he's the only friend ive ever had where we argued ALL THE TIME and he still liked me enough to come back #i genuinely thought the world of him despite everything we just have sooo much history #AND NOW HE'S MESSAGING ME???? god im not your strongest soldier

[more-complicated]

I want the pain to be gone

To grow away from it

Instead ive grown around it

Like a tree grows around an object

Until it becomes the core of me

And even if the pain gets smaller and smaller

What is going to fill up that space

Or will I just have

A rotted hole

Inside me

#i cannot even describe why i hurt so much #i cannot even describe the ways i felt rejected by my mother by my classmates by my friends my family the world #i cant put it into fucking words #thats the worst part you know? #it barely even feels real like i just made it all up #well what did your mother do to you? nothing thats the problem. she yelled and ignored me and made me stand in the corner #its fucking nothing it doesnt matter looking back but i cant talk about my emotions my problems i cant interface with other people i have #no trust in myself but i cant describe what she did #like well. sometimes she would sigh. this exact way. and i knew it meant she was angry. i knew it meant she was upset and i had better #tread carefully #i had better do ecerything in my power to keep her calm and not have any little thing send her over the deep end. #because what she would slam doors and yell or ignore us and give us the silent treatment #what does that mean to somebody #you know she would offer something but you had better learn to refuse over and over because in the end it might just be used against you #about how she always sacrifices for us and does everything for us and we never do anything for her. #in the end. that offer of that thing that maybe she actually coveted #was just amunition for later. #in the end. that act of service of care. was leverage #well i took care of you when you were sick and you never do anything for me.

[tautozhone]

idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc

a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.

i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.

the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.

i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.

individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.

#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t #i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet #but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need #one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash. #what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them #i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway #idfk man #i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING #one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who #because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me #she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous #he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him #at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring. #i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot #he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water #i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest #he got up and he blessed me again #offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange #wishing each other well as we go different ways #he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well #i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow #to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too #not a rigid shelter but a place to make home #blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity #tauto talks

[loveipromiseimnotinsane]

Okay I'll say it. The musical is a better adaption than the show has been.

#dont get me wrong i enjoy the show but theres many many issues i have with it #1) these kids are way to fucking smart for 12 year olds that have been in this world for a week. every episode is just !!! #we knew you were the monster already and planned for it! and there's just not stakes or tenison #thats why the car driving scene was so great #2) its not fun or silly #i said it before ill say it again #RR has sucked the fun out of the show #its not a story thats meant to be serious or dark. it suppose to be fun. and its just not #the casting is good but they are not letting the actors live up to their goofy potential. percy actor irl is hilarious but the script just #gives him nothing to work with #3. the pacing is bad #4. its not even that faithful of an adaption!!! #its okay to change things but RR spent years hyping up how book accurate the show would be and its not. #every major plot point: the waterpark the caisno the entrance to the underworld the four pearls has been changed #and not in a way that benifts the story #idk its such a shame the hype this show was giving and how it was presented to fans just for it to be #fine #anyways #go watch the musical!!! #its fun and goofy #and captures the characters well #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson show #percy jackson show critical #the lightning thief #the lightning thief musical #my posts love

[pibsboots]

I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

#chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronic pain

[jaggedtrachea]

starting to think maybe its not normal to work a job that basically puts me in fight or flight mode for 10 straight hours at a time

#it's partially on me because i could actively make an effort to calm the fuck down and only put in the effort im paid for #but guess what? that fucks over my coworkers AND my patients. in order to keep a semblance of organization i have to be literally running #around doing like 2.5 jobs all the time. and i let this happen to me #because i want to do good work and to do work that's worth what people are paying for #ugh idk it just sucks. two of my coworkers are planning on quitting (literally put their notices in within the last week) #one because our manager was being horribly abusive to her and the other because #we are literally exposed to so much physical and psychological strain that her most recent urgent care visit just like. broke her. #btw this is something my field of work is KNOWN FOR. being traumatic and physically destructive and paying absolutely nothing #and i KNEW this and CHOSE to go into this field anyways and get the worlds most unrecognized license and title #LOL whatever #j

[inkskinned]

no, actually, where is the whimsy?

my ex had a best friend named larry who asked me once: what do you think comes after irony?

we were at the bar where larry worked. it was a quiet night, and he'd hopped over to sit with us on the patron side. i swirled the lemon around my limoncello martini.

earnest positivity, i said, while my ex said, art self-destructs.

i stared at my ex. he stared at me.

his argument was the cinemasins argument: look how bad media is becoming! look at the loopholes and the dumb shit!

it was roughly 2011. galaxy print was still in. at the time, i had a favorite shirt that was a wolf howling at the moon. it got ripped in half in the wash and i honestly still mourn it. i dressed like effie stonem, because everyone did. and irony was the name of the thing. men liked MLP "ironically." the internet liked the kind of crass, "anti-mainstream" vibes of things like fuck romance, touch my butt and buy me pizza. we put cats in sunglasses everywhere, which was because we only liked things in irony.

and media had the same vibe in it: anti-hero white men would be "hard to love" and then storm off the scene. nobody was just earnestly trying to save the world: they were jaded, angry, unoriginal. mad you even asked them to try to help.

my ex ends up not being wrong. cinemasins becomes super popular. a lot of people start viewing media with this lens that is the cruelest, most jaded depiction. it's wrong for your character to have unexplained powers, even if the entire movie is about how strange it is she has unexplained powers - that is still considered a "loophole." characters make thoughtless, panicked choices? loophole. characters are actually kind people, despite hardship? loophole. features a woman doing literally anything without assistance? loophole. movies become hyper-aware of scrutiny, and now irony rules the media.

which means you go to a movie, and the character has to turn to the screen and say "beats me!!" or one of the side characters has to have some kind of quip like "are you seriously telling me that you think this is normal?" because nothing can happen in earnest. like a sitcom laugh track, we now anticipate the fourth-wall break: the moment that the media acknowledges it is telling a story. the media has to apologize for itself, or else someone like my ex rolls their eyes.

but here's the thing: i wasn't wrong either.

the difference might be that i am (and always have been) so soft-hearted that any crack in the light of this world will spear me into the ground. and i was the poet in the relationship. (he thought that was the same thing as being naïve and stupid). i was making things daily. i knew how all of us artists are driven by some strange desire to evolve. he notably liked to critique art, not to create it.

so yes, i've made things that are bitter and angry and even ironic. i've made long, sharp poems with all capital letters, and i've made poems about how the silence stretches out like a song. someone wrote once that we will spend our whole lives just circling the place we grew up. i think it's more that we spend our whole lives trying to remake a home. i think it's that as we age, it becomes less exciting to build the castle on the beach - we become aware of erosion, of windforce. we realize what we really want is to come home to our dog, castle or not.

and while art in the foreground is mired in white male violence and irony, and aggression, and not taking anything seriously - i don't think that's true of all art. i think more and more artists are leaning in to the things we love. the world has changed so much. they have taken so many things from us. the only thing we have left is love. at the bottom of the moving box - all we get is the faint sense that we have to appreciate what little we've got. i can't enjoy this stuff ironically anymore: what room do i have for irony? if it makes me happy, that is an amazing thing. there are so few happy places left for me. i want to be happy because of how leaves shiver beside each other like nestling birds. i want to be happy because of the color pink, and how magenta doesn't exist. i have spent so much of this life suffering, i have earned my right to a gentle ending. if nothing matters, i get to assign meaning to the nothing. i get to create meaning. i am an artist first and foremost, which means creation is my thing.

where is the whimsy? wherever i fucking put it. because if this is my last fucking chance to do any good in this world - i want to do it earnestly. i want to write things that make you happy. that make people feel heard and seen. what comes after irony has to be positivity.

it was close to my 21st birthday. in 7 years, i would end up writing a book about this relationship, which is hopefully coming out somewhere around May 2024. i come back to this bar scene in my memories a lot. i keep thinking of how pale my ex was. the look that crossed his face. how i looked back at him. how for a moment, both of us couldn't recognize the other person. like the gulf between us was a suddenly wide and cavernous thing. like we were alien to each other. he never took my opinion seriously, and he always seemed surprised whenever his manic-pixie-dream-girl ever broke free of the plot. like in the whole time we were together, i wasn't human enough.

this knowledge: where he said nothing comes after, my only instinct was what comes after is love.

#spilled ink #writeblr #this is a real story lol #looking back i liked larry as a person SO much more than my ex hollyyyyy shitttt #compulsory heterosexuality will do you DIRTY #edit to correct effies name my apologies to effie and effies family