#astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

“why do you HC bucky as desperately wanting to feel needed” well you see

Steve. pre-serum. scrappy smart-mouthed 5’4 zero brain cells. always sick and asthmatic and losing everyone in his life and Bucky took care of him! loved him! loved to take care of him!

and then one day steve didn’t need somebody to take care of him anymore. and he started taking care of Bucky (saved him the first time, then the second time, essentially brought him back to life!!) and bucky started needing him and he never really stopped needing him and he hated himself for it and for not being able to do things for Steve the way he used to. and then steve was just. gone. and now he’s alone. and he feels okay only when he’s being useful to people and Proving Steve Right about him being good under the decades of abuse trauma.

he is absolutely not comfortable with the side of himself that Needs people that badly, he’d gone most of his life being the caretaker and not really knowing what that even felt like, and it’s easier to allow yourself to need to be needed than it is to just. need. they’re both basically the same thing but it’s an extra step to assuage his pervasive self-worth issues and feel Secure in caring about people because he really just feels like a burden unless he’s being Useful.

#:) #what he needs is that ‘it’s rotten work/not to me. not if it’s you’ dynamic #that’s ‘blunt force trauma’ but it’s mutual. two insecure morons who need each other for better or for worse #i LOVE writing my little stories. its like playtime but for adults #astxrwar.txt #bucky barnes #steve rogers

[astxrwar]

bucky would be so mad about daylight savings time. that shit didn’t exist until 1968 and it makes NO sense. after the decade as winter soldier there’s no way dude doesn’t have an extremely perilous circadian rhythm imagine having it disrupted on your BIRTHDAY of all days

#astxrwar.txt #bucky barnes #blorbos in my sandbox o’clock

[astxrwar]

HELLO EVERYONE I LIVE!!! i finished my first big lab project and got GLOWING reviews so im basking in that after pulling 14 straight days of having to go into lab to check on my experiment + hoping to start back on DOB as soon as possible!!!

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[astxrwar]

the whole “put your age in bio or get blocked” makes ZERO sense to me first of all where is ye olde internet anonymity second of all do y’all not remember how we all brazenly lied on every “are you 18+” website entry thing since we were old enough to have unsupervised internet access

#if there r kids out there they r lying to you!!! #like what is it accomplishing. they’d lie. we all lied at one point #i simply don’t get it #well ok additionally im not going thru all 2k+ of you. i have Life Obligations #astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

miguel’s claws working like cat claws and coming out reflexively when he stretches.

#brain goes brr #astxrwar.txt #miguel o'hara

[astxrwar]

bouncing around in DOB doing the sex scene because makes brain go brrr and I had to conduct some Very Important Research into the history of male underwear to decide if bucky is a boxers or boxer briefs guy

#boxers. they were standard issue in the army in the 40s #The More You Know! #im a boxer briefs dude. boxers are like... a second secret pair of shorts #they're not underwear they're so baggy i simply don't get it #astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

the writing mood of googling "synonym for (x word)" and having every thesaurus website interpret the meaning of the word a little differently and thus generate slightly different synonyms, and yet None Of Them being the way I interpret the word (the Correct way) and none of the synonyms encapsulating the Mood i am going for

#im kind of sort of joking re: correct way slkfdsjs #also kind of sort of not. #astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

i see the “army vet bucky” modern au alternatives for the winter soldier trauma and raise you “life-altering motorcycle accident survivor turned (recovered) painkiller addict bucky”. i think this might be too niche but there’s so many parallels psychologically wrt: the lack of choice inherent in the neurobiology of drug addiction particularly in ppl who started off just taking what was prescribed to them for their pain in like the 90s/early 2000s (when pharma execs Lied about the neurological impacts). the way you kind of lose all that time despite still living it and having the memories, how sometimes the memories feel like they belong to a different person once you get sober. how it separates you from everyone else in your life who Didn’t suffer like that. it’s Compelling. imo.

#bonus points if the motorcycle accident involved tony’s parents. who died. #in my head it’s not his fault like maybe he was being stubborn and not letting a car overtake him on a back road #and so they gunned it like 90mph and ended up clipping howard + maria’s car in the oncoming lane #and bucky would have his left arm damaged. because. narrative parallel reasons #and then tony hates him because he’s a manchild with misplaced anger (said with love. but it’s true) #anyway all this to say the central dynamic im thinking of is #this bucky x stark!(implied adopted)daughter!reader #for the ‘ oh my god your dad is going to KILL me’ factor. also age gap. because. well. #imagining if the ages are canon-adjacent tony is like 50-55. bucky is late 30s and RC is ~mid-early 20s #i have so many thoughts abt this i’ve been fiddling with it in my brain for a minute now #astxrwar.txt #i need an ideas tag #like not WIPs but just. Thoughts. #luke’s brainworms #2/29- i made one lol

[astxrwar]

DoB!Bucky takes a while to come out of his shell in a (more. not entirely. they’re both still freaks) normal relationship dynamic but when he does he’s annoying (affectionate).

>>makes you jump and screech and scramble to the other side of the bed because he Keeps Poking You In The Ribs With His Ice Cold Hand (more effective in winter. 2x damage)

>> you can get revenge but only when he’s not paying attention. if he knows it’s coming he will pointedly not react at all. also you’re not getting your hands back if you put them under his shirt or something. he’s trapping them there.

>>wants to shower with you but complains that you turn the water up too hot. ://

>> will sometimes just lie on top of you. like a big cat. gets back from missions and does this. will also pull you on top of him sometimes but he prefers to be crushing you into the mattress/being the “weighted blanket coded” partner. it makes those crossed wires in his brain Happy because you’re Very Safe like that. smothered under 200lbs of super soldier utterly untouchable

>> gotta hold hands in public or he gets sad/anxious. partly just loverboy brained partly winter soldier ‘easiest way to make sure you’re safe is if we’re literally attached at the hip’ brained. would never admit this even under threat of torture but you can tell.

>> don’t kiss him too much if you’re lying in bed or watching TV or any other close-proximity-activity unless you want to not be doing that activity anymore 🫡

>> will sometimes just gently stroke your face and stare at you if he’s awake while you’re sleeping.

>> weirdo. (affectionate)

>> likes to cook for you / is a nuisance when you cook because he’ll be all up in your space. like sit downnn dude!!!

>>loves being asked to do things for you. Simple stuff like bringing you a drink or whatever. satisfies those winter soldier wires crossed in his brain

>>sits on the floor to watch TV a lot. Likes to have you sit right behind him and mess with his hair. will sometimes (often) fully stop watching TV to just tilt his head back and stare at you adoringly. Bucky You Are Missing Essential Plot Elements Now I Have To Rewind!!! AGAIN!!

#astxrwar.txt #fic; drops of blood #brainworms because i’m sick and this is all i can manage unfortunately #thinking about him and not about my joints that hurt sooo bad :/

[astxrwar]

what if….? you hated tony stark the way we all would if this mf was real + then the zombie apocalypse happened and y’all got stuck together and you realized much to your distaste he is an actual human being + maybe that stanford professor who was like “true free will doesn’t exist we’re shaped by our environment and have little say in that” was kind of right and have to reckon with the concept of restorative justice when there’s no society to really give justice to anymore.

angst! one-sided enemies to lovers! im going to have fun. only a Touch of realism bc the type of guy he is would imo not be redeemable irl but that’s fiction babey

#he’s like my guilty pleasure character. #but fr all of marvel is like *military propaganda vomit* #so. whatever. #astxrwar.txt #wip tag #fic; in the flesh #< maybe. get it bc zombie au #tony stark drabble #tony stark x reader #tony stark

[astxrwar]

now here’s one thing i could never do: mafia au. i just don’t know enough about organized crime and like how would you even start researching that. if anything i think i could see prohibition era bootlegger bucky tho

#me @ myself: NOOOO!! NOOO STOP COMING UP WITH AUS!!! YOU HAVE ENOUGH!!! #astxrwar.txt #luke’s brainworms

[astxrwar]

i will not correct all the virology/vaccinology misinformation in that post. I will not correct all the virology/vaccinology misinformation in that post. I will go outside and look at the sky and have peaceful thoughts and leave them to be wrong. i am capable of this

#'oh if you get vaccinated not in your delt it's like not getting avaccine at all" AHHHH!!! NO!!! #“guy with 200+ vaccines his body just thinks we're in a way crazier pandemic” not how it works. #ppl not understanding why the guy who got 200+ vaccines was actually a fucking godsend for the field of vaccinology in the first place #I HATE POPULAR SCIENCE JOURNALISM!!!! AUUUUGHHH #astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

losing track of who’s been return-booped if you get two from me it’s simply because i am booping with reckless abandon atp

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[astxrwar]

some of the transmasc! mig hcs rub me the wrong way. ranting transgenderishly abt it. sorrie

1. why are so many ppl defaulting to giving him top surgery scars. look at his body shape, his hips are narrow and his shoulders are broad and he’s over 6’5 lmao. dude would have been on blockers then T as an early teenager. you don’t need top surgery then. unless you construct a narrative where he went off of T for like… at least a year (but probably longer) without getting a complete hysterectomy first then this makes no sense.

it just feels like ppl dont know that much abt transmasc experiences we r not all the same and top surgery scars r not just a thing you slap on to trans someone, not all of us require top surgery + cis guys get top surgery too? just giving uneducated

2. also the fact that it seems like it just doesn’t ever occur to ppl that trans men get bottom surgery. ig that’s an in general issue but why does it seem like every hc’ed trans man character always has a pussy. plenty of us have dicks bro it just feels fetish-y. plenty of us only pass on surgery bc it’s A Lot but it’s 2099 so that’s going to be less of an issue,,, specific to miguel like. why is nobody giving him bottom surgery scars like the fact that there’s not an equal or even rly existing rep for that in a world where getting it would be INFINITELY easier makes me uncomfy it’s rly giving ‘trans men as men-lite” energy

3. also for written content same deal why is nearly every trans guy hced as one who doesn’t get bottom surgery and why is there always SO MUCH focus on specifically using the word pussy. like bitch! an example of a common thing for transmascs: i dew naught even write fem!RC content using that word i avoid almost all fem-genitalia words bc they’re extremely uncomfy to me, and that phenomenon amongst trans men is even more common than trans men who have had bottom surgery. so we have an excess of content focusing on ‘guy with pussy’ and very little if any content even just recognizing a significant amount of trans men r not okay with that terminology n often do not even like engaging their natal anatomy beyond their dicks (significant number of us also use this word and not the other one! btw!!) during sex. n ppl don’t want to write abt this bc it doesn’t fit the fetish!! im doing murder!!

4. i saw someone ranting wrt trans!mig abt how ppl make male characters transmasc to make mlm ships “less gay” wrt: sex and its just like. im going to kill u too! trans men get bottom surgery bro trans men have dicks! plenty of the ones that don’t just straight up do not do PIV! way to hit the nail on the head wrt fandoms seeing trans men as men-lite lmao and way to miss the opportunity for criticism of fandom transphobia by just. validating that perception of trans men.

idk im just so tired where is my trans miguel no top surgery scars (bc he clearly got T at puberty onset) + with bottom surgery scars content :/ arm scar from the nerve + torso scar from the graft, it’s 2099 they’ve probably perfected skin expanders atp so it would just be like. one scar instead of the scar + stretched area but like. i digress. can we please have trans men with dicks content Ever? the abject lack of it kinda feels like left wing version of rw “c*ntboy” fetishism lol. im going to make some myself bc it is an outlet to deal with my Frustration abt this and explore how all trans ppl have different transitions narratively and counter the reductive fandom goggles perception of us. in general i wish the majority of ppl just didn’t do trans hcs until it stops just being a clear and obvious extension of fetishization and stereotyping. throttling ppl biting and maiming and tearing

also like there’s so many ppl who just think trans men who get bottom surgery r gross but won’t admit it and they especially shan’t see the light of heaven and should stop even thinking abt trans men at all <3

#it just feels like. ‘omg guy with pussy 😍😍’ #and im killing u with a big rock if u think this way abt trans men #bc not only do men get bottom surgery a lot of us dont use that shit at all even if we dont! #just. sigh. the way that i feel like trans fetishism is two-pronged #comes from ppl who profess to hate us but also from ppl who profess support. and like. why. be normal pls. #astxrwar.txt #miguel o'hara

[astxrwar]

ik nobody cares about quentin beck anymore but im so invested in this atp i need to be Restrained. I love writing Fucked Up Beyond Repair dynamics way more than normal ones can you tell

if anyone has requests for other characters im down to hear them on the condition that they're deranged. Nothing crazy but like yknow that quote that's like "every happy family is the same but every unhappy family is unhappy in a different way" it's like that but with "fucked up relationship dynamics". they're so fun sljdfjlfjs

#me putting all the things that are Wrong With Me into my little stories like. teehee #tentatively exploring an idea for a deeply fucked bucky x new enhanced reader thing but i forgot a lot about how TFATWS went lol #and I don't really want to re-watch it because it wasn't that good. :\ #i may just write it anyway and play fast and loose w canon god knows I've done that before #astxrwar.txt

[astxrwar]

hm. thought too hard about 50+ y.o. gray-haired senator bucky. have to lie down

#astxrwar.txt #bucky barnes #that post that’s like ‘how old sre you anyway’ ‘old enough to be your father’ *changes background to love* ‘really sweetheart?’ #yes. really. #old men. sorry. hornyjail.jpeg #the deets are independent journalist doing a biography #w elements of hero worship. but only in the beginning. and bucky being very used to people wanting to hear about steve #but not about him. so he’s kinda into it. im disregarding peggy!cap bc it doesn’t fit the #~psychological elements~ of the narrative #i saw old man buck in what if and went ‘would.’ #also im just on a flustered n easily overwhelmed!RC x guy who gets off on the power differential kick rn. shrug emoji #almost want to take it a step further with pointed and intentional teasing re: age gap via ‘kid/kiddo’ but #did that once and pretty sure it made ppl angry enough that there’s a vaguepost out there partially abt me 😭 #oop. #anyway