#tw for negativity and general thoughts on anxiety and grief

[aster-rae]

I have a headache and can't sleep. What does my brain do? It rabbit-holes itself down into questioning the religion I was born into? 🙃 cool, I'm just gonna talk about the issues I have with Christianity so maybe I can come back to it in the future...or maybe God can use it against me when I die. 🤷‍♀️

⚠️ TW: Mentions of Emotional & Sexual Abuse ⚠️

This may get lengthy, but for context, I was born as the second child to a mentally unstable woman. I grew up, alongside my sibling receiving mental and emotional manipulation/gaslighting/abuse. This caused my own mental instabilities and disorders.

I usually have a very black & white pattern of thinking in most situations because of my BPD. Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around the way other people think/act. I have gotten much better at being open-minded as I've gotten older, it's taken a lot of work to get where I am... thanks to therapy and medication.

Anywhoo, being born into a white, middle-class family in the suburbs *usually* means you grow up a Christian of some sort. After all, it is the largest followed religion....but just because it's the most followed, doesn't necessarily mean it has all the answers.

Remember being a kid and at some point, an adult asked you if you'd "jump off a bridge just because everyone else was doing it?" Well that's kind of how I feel about our beloved Christianity.

Enter - ✨️Religious Trauma✨️

No, seriously. This plays a huge role in my confusion and struggle of faith, I will detail below.

Religious trauma actually worsens what my BPD already causes.

Negative thoughts/feelings about self-worth and capabilities.

Difficulties making decisions.

Depression & anxiety

Anger & grief - this is huge for me as most people with BPD suffer greatly controlling anger.

Sexual difficulty/performance/addiction - I was shamed as an 8-9 year old when I discovered my own sex organ. I was even taken to the doctor which made it more awkward and traumatizing.

Feelings of guilt or shame

Loss of identity - this is also huge for me as I tend to feel like I don't know who I am.

Co/dependency issues- both my sibling and I struggle with this. I personally, am dependent on stuffed animals for comfort. I always have a small stuffie either in my purse or car if I'm out in public.

I haven't even talked about inconsistencies in Christianity itself that my brain likes to zoom in on.

For example, my previous pastor would frequently say that if you are not a Christian when you die, you'll be rejected at the gates. Jesus will be there with his father (God) and he will either give you a "well done" or say. "I never knew you." and you'll be cast out of heaven for eternal suffering.

Okay buuuuut here's the thing, I thought God agape us. The word "agape" is the Greek word to describe the unconditional love God has for humans. All humans. Since we are supposed to be his creation after all....but if you don't "walk with God" good enough or you don't love him enough....that "unconditional" love is somehow gone? 🤔 sounds to me like emotional manipulation and gaslighting.

The entire last 17-ish years of my struggle with faith has been one steaming pile of emotional manipulation, grief, and gaslighting. Tell me how that's a good thing to follow. A religion in which you do nothing but question your own worth and fucking sanity? Sounds great! 🙂👍 /sarcasm/

What about people who aren't born into Christianity, or any religion at all? What if nobody "witnesses" to them because they grow up in a location/country where very few are religious? I guess they go to hell then, right? Eternally suffering for not being introduced to something out of their control? Yeah, that seems totally fair!

Let's not forget all the white supremacists that use Christianity to bolster their racism. Or just racist Christians in general because my own two parents have used the *N* word multiple times throughout my life, and there's plenty of evidence of racist Christians on social media. They out themselves with no shame, it's embarrassing.

Or the Christians that insist loving someone of the same biological sex is the worst thing to ever occur, simply because they can't reproduce "naturally". Guess what? I'm in a heterosexual relationship and we don't want to reproduce at all! Guess that makes us sinful.

I'm able to understand my mental instabilities and anger issues would not play well with a small child that would be dependent on me. In fact, it would be incredibly selfish for me to have a child I don't want. It would be incredibly selfish for me to continue the generational trauma that was imposed on my sister and I. I'm not going to punish a child I don't want for the sake of pleasing a God I have a love/hate relationship with. Fuck that. Also the pain and bodily issues that come with pregnancy scare the fuck out of me. I've already had my fair share of acid reflux issues, I don't want that amplified x1000.

I've only ever seen shit behavior from Christians to be quite honest and it doesn't help my faith....at fucking all. I stopped going to church at 16 because the "popular" girls in youth group gossiped about me, while I was in earshot of their words. My clothes, my pop-bottle glasses, my hair....my entire appearance was always a target to them.

I was also sexually assaulted on the way home from a mission trip by a guy named Miles. I fell asleep and felt him guide my head to his shoulder. He then continued to rub my crotch and thighs and placed my hand on his thigh, all while I acted asleep. He legitimately thought I was asleep....I was maybe 13-14 years old at the time. I never told anyone.

So yeah, here I am at 3am ranting about religion....and yet I'm sure I'll still crawl my way back to God like I've done for the last 17-ish years of my life.

I'm truly sorry if I've offended anyone, I'm just a depressed, angy potato and these are just my personal thoughts and built up resentment I needed to vent out.

#religious trauma #mental health #borderline personality disorder #emotional abuse #mental abuse

[a-very-fond-farewell]

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#keeping it real for a bit #tw for negativity and general thoughts on anxiety and grief #stay away if these things bother you #look after yourself #here I go.... #so. my anxiety has gotten worse and I cannot breathe #I can take only tiny puffs of air in quick succession and that’s it #my family is dealing with another emergency and it’s very possible that we’ll be mourning very soon #it would be the third time this year #my parents are basically freaking out and dealing with my issues not in the healthiest way #telling me I have to ‘get out of this slump’ bc life is harsh and I need to get used to it #bc they cannot handle 2 crisis at the same time. and I’m obviously young and healthy so I should just get on with the program #(they are telling me this in a positive tone... but their wording choice could be improved) #it’s not just this emergency that’s bothering me. I’ve been in a bad place since last year and my body cannot hold up anymore apparently #my parents are confused bc I was faking being fine so well they hadn’t even caught a whiff of my situation #I feel guilty bc our relative’s deteriorating health is clearly more important and I feel like I’m a burden #moreover. I’ll soon have to take sleeping meds again bc I cannot sleep #(I have a bad history with sleeping meds and their side effects so it’s also a bit triggering for me. but I’m fine) #the only free time I had for my hobbies was during nighttime... so I won’t have that anymore #I’ll write my fics when I will be able to. maybe I can squeeze some free time in between uni work... but I’m not sure #sorry for the negativity in the tags #this is not a call for help #nor me asking for suggestions #cake care of yourself in the meantime #sneaky niki

[soldouthaz]

sarah!! hellooo you, ris and rori are like my favourites (and i asked this question to them too) how do you view grief and shame? i'm currently trying to process both and keep seeing the emotions in a different light every day. no pressure if you don't want to answer! i hope you are well

ahh hey!!! that’s so sweet! I’m gonna put just a slight tw // grief here for anyone who may need it, and I’ll do my best to answer your question under the cut!! 

I'm not totally sure if you’re asking me just my thoughts on them in general or how to actually deal with those things, so I'm just gonna ramble for a sec and you can feel free to tell me it’s not what you’re looking for or just take what resonates! 

so grief and shame are both pretty heavy topics in my opinion, and my go-to with heaviness is usually to break it down into easier parts to deal with until I'm able to step back and look at the whole picture if that makes sense. ‘little griefs’ if you will ;). 

you asked how I view it in general though, so I'll answer that first! my own personal trauma response isn’t the typical fight or flight, and most people don’t realize that a big response to trauma is also to freeze -- meaning you don’t ever really process what’s happening and it sits on your shoulders for too long, creating painful triggers and a hyper sensitivity that could have drastic, lasting effects on how you live your daily life. both grief and shame, in my opinion, are necessary (absolutely not fun, but necessary) to processing that trauma in a healthy way and being able to not forget, but heal from it and continue living your life. 

like you said, they’re both incredibly complicated emotions that impact everyone differently, so there’s no one way to experience them! especially at this time in the world everything just feels kind of weird and out of touch (in my opinion!) and the only way I've gotten through it is to take it in bite-sized chunks like I mentioned earlier -- when one thing is bad in our lives we tend to take on a negative view of everything being bad, and often times that’s not the case! I'm not going to preach optimism here because sometimes it’s really, really difficult to be optimistic and that’s fine too. 

my advice would be to first and foremost let yourself feel - whether that’s anger, sadness, anything - and then ask yourself what the next step is or how you can make the situation better/easier on yourself. I've adopted that way of thinking the last couple of years and I can’t explain how much it’s helped me. but don’t rush yourself, and listen to your own cues! and, contrary to popular belief, I've found that distractions help too (so long as you eventually get a chance to process the trauma, even if in small increments!) so try to find outlets you can use like writing, reading, or getting involved in a fandom or interest as a way of passing time as well! (one direction helped me immensely and are part of the reason I was able to get through some difficult times in my life as well!). 

anyway, I'm rambling but grief and shame go hand in hand, and they’re normal feelings that, on some level, are part of everyday life. they’re big and scary sometimes but the most important thing is that you take them at your own pace and capacity. each and every feeling you have is valid, and I guarantee there are a lot of other people out there right now who are experiencing the same thing and asking the same questions. I'd be happy to link you to some resources for dealing with them if you’d like! 

just in case it might help, here are a few tips I learned over the years to help myself cope that might help you as well! : 

1. take a step back from yourself when you’re feeling upset, and instead of saying ‘I'm angry’ or ‘I'm anxious’, try to separate for a moment and take on the mindset of ‘I'm feeling ____, why am I feeling this way, and what can I do to improve it?’ this will help keep you centered, and improves your internal locus of control! 

2. noise releases anxiety and movement releases trauma, so if you’re feeling either of those and you’re able to, feel free to do either! sing or hum or yell and scream, or try dancing horribly to your favorite music and see if you feel more relaxed afterward. 

3. sometimes meditation can be overwhelming if you’re already anxious, so if that hasn’t worked for you in the past, you can also try emotion freedom technique tapping, or EFT tapping. a quick google search will show you how to do it, and if you experience lots of anxiousness or anything along the lines of ADHD etc, you may find it much more beneficial and you aren’t required to be completely quiet or still to do so! 

4. and the last thing that helped me immensely was getting it out of me -- by that I mean any way of releasing how I was feeling! so think talking to someone you trust or that has experienced the same things, seeing a therapist, or journaling! this one just depends on how comfortable you are with sharing :) I love these methods in particular because most times you end up finding out things about how you feel that you didn’t even know you felt! 

tl;dr: 

grief and shame are very normal and never much fun to deal with, but they’re necessary for healing from trauma and processing it in a healthy way. the fact that you’re even thinking about them is wonderful and means you’re halfway there already! the best thing you can do is just try not to freeze up and hold all of that on your shoulders because it’s definitely not something you have to do alone. 

please feel free to reach out again if there’s any way I can help or any other advice I can try to give! I hope at least some of this resonates with you! :)))) best of luck with everything and I hope you’re well! <3

#tw // grief #ask #about me #advice

[mitaikenhorizon]

45, 52, 59!

45. What are some things that annoy your OC? 

For Juno it’s when things aren’t thought through and planned, despite her own impulsive nature. Ideally she’d have a whole blueprint for every move she’d make in life but alas that’s not the case and it kinda drives her nuts. It’s a bit hypocritical but that’s just her thing, she sees flaws in herself constantly and seeing people act the same way sets her off. Other people should be better.

Ama’s annoyed by people not letting her protect them but that’s moreso of her being annoyed at how weak she feels to the people around her. She’s very self deprecating so it tends to boil down to “I annoy myself” and “I’m a burden to everyone around me I’m awful” but something less like That is probably being forced into social events...she can’t bring herself to say it because of her anxiety but her anxiety is specifically WHY she hates them.

Mira tries to be positive but man...man she can’t stand people who lie, for better or for worse. Over the course of her journey she’s more willing to listen and forgive, but she doesn’t take being lied to all that well, because she gives people her trust and they do this? Why?! Who are they to say she wouldn’t handle the truth without even trying, it’s a real blow.

Oooo I’m gonna put the rest in a readmore since it’s getting long and the next one gets kinda dark... (tw talk of death, and suicidal thoughts/idealization, and general depression)

52. What are some of your OC’s motivations?

Ama desperately wants a reason to be alive, plain and simple. Being thought of as worthless, a burden, and even told she shouldn’t even be alive since she was practically born by her father she thinks her life is only something to be used for someone else’s benefit. She was never the first choice, but she was meant to stay put just in case she was needed. Even after growing more on her adventures she is still quick to sacrifice herself in favor of someone else. She’s a kind person there’s no denying that, but in the back of her head she always thought to truly make up for...well being born, is for her life to end, lift the burden of herself from everyone’s shoulders, no matter how much good she tries to do. She still keeps her helpful nature, but eventually she does it for not wanting to add more bad to the world, and to show kindness to those who might not have gotten it before.

Juno is kind of similar to Ama in that respect, except Juno isn’t looking for a reason to be alive- it’s to atone. Her past in Othard’s forest and her doings as the wicked witch chase her down, and in turn push her forward. She believes she was guided to the stars, the scions- everything, as a way for her to atone. Healing magic to make up for causing harm, stopping Galemald once and for all instead of hurting her own, it was fate. But for most of her time on her journey she felt it was only temporary, a task, that once she completed it, she’d have no reason to go further...Thankfully, the more she goes on, the more she settles into the idea of maybe, once it’s all done she can start her new life officially.

Mira initially took Miounne’s advice as a way to see more of the world, to do good in any way she can. But she soon realizes it was just a distraction from her own grief, and keeping up a facade to be the big sister to everyone around her, to make her family proud...It’s only after reaching her lowest and being shown that same support she wanted to give others that she found her motivation again, but this time with more meaning. She wants to give it her all to have no regrets, to be a beacon for those around her, she wants to be a hero. Mira has always been a helpful and kind person at heart, but now she wants to use that as her drive- and not the ghosts of her past mistakes.

59. What does your OC think of him/herself?

As stated above Ama thinks VERY lowly of herself, she thinks she’s weak- both physically and mentally. She thinks she’s ugly, scary even. She was raised to think she was a burden, and that’s what she believes. A stepping stone for other people, people who deserve to be alive. She views anything she does negatively, that she could have done better, or what she did was selfish. Even if she’s helping someone, that’s just to make herself feel good isn’t it? She feels like she doesn’t deserve love. Someone pls help this girl.

Mira on the other hand, tends to view herself fairly neutrally. Her ego isn’t inflated by any means, but she knows she has strengths and she deserves to be proud of them. Also stated above, she sees herself as everyone’s big sister, whether the person likes it or not. Partially it’s due to her wanting a sibling herself, but becoming one to almost everyone she meets is just as good! People say she’s reliable, but that’s something she gets a bit embarrassed saying about herself, since to herself she seems a bit of a goof. Honestly in general, she sees herself as a very normal girl, when she’s actually quite extraordinary.

Juno thinks she is a stain on this very star- But no for real she sees herself as cold, distant, and uncaring when honestly she’s anything but. She does everything she does because she cares TOO much if anything, but she wants to give off the vibe of “I’m bad to the bone, I got secrets you don’t wanna know, don’t even think about it.” because she fears loss, and thinks if she pushes things away she won’t care. The one positive she sees for herself is that she’s very knowledgeable, but she sees it as a curse since that’s what got her in this mess to begin with.

#AAAA THANK U FOR THE ASKS #these were rly character heavy so this was FUN #but for real tho someone pls get these girls help #a nice cup of tea maybe #ama #mira #juno #asks #whitherliliesbloom

[brainboys]

[TOM HOLLAND, CISMALE, HE/HIM] have you seen QUINN WRIGHT around sedona? QUINN is a UNIVERSITY STUDENT/PART-TIME PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, but they’re also THE ENCYCLOPEDIA in the sedona sleuths, so you’ve probably seen them around the firehouse shed. they’re known for being QUICK-WITTED and EARNEST, but they’re also known to be GULLIBLE and IMPULSIVE. when they’re not at the shed, i can usually find them at the PIZZERIA. i can always recognize them by their untied shoelaces, a carefully curated pokemon card collection, adept fingers pressing away on a nintendo, the rush of exhaustion after being late and misplaced optimism. 

biography, playlist, pinterest board & connections.

the encyclopedia:  The brains of the group, they know loads of random facts that come in handy in the tightest of situations. They’re also probably the one doing the background research when needed.

B A S I C S :

name: quinn wright. nickname:  quinn. age: twenty-two. date of birth: october 11th. place of birth: sedona, ka. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him. sexuality: gay (not out).

P H Y S I C A L :

height: 173cm. build: slim. hair color: brown. eye color: brown. tattoos: none. piercings: none. preferred style of clothing: fashion is not a topic of interest to him,   so he tends to lean towards comfort over style.   he doesn’t go shopping for clothes often,   so he rotates between a few graphic t-shirts,   button-ups,   and light sweaters for the summer.   in winter,   he wears over-sized hoodies and sweatpants as often as he can get away with it.   he hopes people don’t notice,   but he only owns two pairs of jeans and slightly over-sized dress pants for emergencies. 

H E A L T H :

physical ailments: none. mental disorders: dyslexia,   combined ADHD & battling with depression.  smoker? no. drinker? socially. drug user? no. addictions: none. allergies: none.

P E R S O N A L I T Y :

zodiac signs: libra sun,   gemini moon. mbti: enfp-t, the campaigner. hogwarts house: gryffindor. positive traits:

quick-witted: quinn is known for being quick on his feet,  but that’s not only in a physical sense.    when someone pushes him against a corner,   whether it’s with a comment made to tease him or a new revelation during an investigation that throws them off,    he’s sharp with a silver tongue rapier and speedily familiarizes himself with information,   easily readjusting it into what he already has in a way that tends to get them out of difficult situations. 

earnest: this is a trait he had to learn,   for better or for worse.   it’s something he actively forces himself to be in order to get anything done.   since his mind tends to be scattered and he’s doing or thinking about doing five things at once,   and then something else,   he uses tactics he learned at therapy to focus on tasks he needs to get done and that includes having a lot of conviction for the things that other people can do with ease,   like sitting down for long enough to finish a rough draft of an essay without getting distracted for a whole day.   he applies this mostly to schoolwork and day-to-day necessities,   but when they’re working on a new mystery,   quinn sits himself down and does research on the background.   this is something he genuinely enjoys doing,   so he struggles less to focus on it. 

friendly: while he doesn’t stray away from the sleuths,   he has no problems making friends and talking to strangers outside of the group.   he can be shy with new people and prefers being around those who he already knows,   but if left alone at a party,   he’ll have a new friend group in ten minutes.

negative traits:

gullible: quinn really is this tiktok.   someone could tell him anything and he’d be like   ‘ ok yeah why not ’   even though it’s an obvious lie.   he takes everything at face value and rarely tries to see what’s behind people’s words.   people have told him to stop being so trusting towards others,   especially when they’re working on solving something,   but quinn really does the same shit over and over because it’s in his nature to just trust people and not think to question their intentions.  

impulsive: compliment him all you want about how smart he is,   the only reason he’s got so much knowledge inside of his brain is that he has no impulse control and if he suddenly has the thought that he needs to know something about how the future might look like with self-operated cars,   ways of murdering someone through poison,   the algorithm behind rubix cubes or literally any topic under and beyond the sun,   he’ll obsess over it for a few days.   quinn gets hyperfixations because of his ADHD and they range from videogames to wildly specific points in history. 

anxious: anxious counts as one of quinn’s primary moods,   and sometimes anxiety comes right in the middle of a perfectly normal day if anything goes slightly wrong,   like losing his favorite pen or realizing that he forgot to grab his lunch box before leaving the house that day.   since quinn tries really hard to keep a schedule,   he feels off whenever he forgets something on it and it brings down his whole mood.   in stressful situations,   quinn paces back and forth with anxiety,   whispering to himself and trying to catch up with his brain.   this usually means that he’s thinking really hard on finding a way to solve a situation,   though sometimes he’ll be so anxious that it impedes him from thinking straight.

love language: physical touch & words of affirmation.  hobbies: video games (lots of them), collecting pokemon cards, keeping up on scientific developments, researching the sleuth’s cases, running, murder mysteries and general mysteries, and whatever his new hyperfixation is. fears: not fitting in, failure, abandonment, needles.

B A C K G R O U N D ,   T D ; L R :

tw: mentions of cancer, death, and homophobia.

quinn basically grew up in queen’s pizzeria.    that’s where his mom worked when he was a kid,   so his dad would pick him up from school and drop him off there for the rest of his mom’s shift because he needed to go back to his own job and the pizzeria is where they allowed quinn to hang-out. 

he struggled a lot with school and was labeled as a problem child.   he hated doing school work and he fell behind in reading,   but when quinn entered high-school,   he was diagnosed with dyslexia and combined ADHD.    by that time,   his parents had already gotten divorced after spending quinn’s childhood poorly hiding their frequent fights.    his mom also got diagnosed with cancer,   and times were rough.

his dad remarried and quinn stayed with his mom throughout her illness.   at one point,   when the bills were too high even though he was working part-time at the pizzeria,   he convinced his mom to let him go off his meds and join a sports team at school instead.   it was to ease the financial strain off them,   and it only helped a little bit. 

quinn joined track and kept going to therapy.   his mom had ups and downs but mostly downs,   since medication would stop working after a while until they realized that they were only temporarily treating her cancer but they wouldn’t be able to cure it.    it gave them time to prepare for her death,   so they did.

his mom taught him what she could about living independently from her before she passed away,   though quinn doesn’t think that any amount of preparation could prepare him for the grief that came. 

he moved out of his childhood home and into his dads place with his new family,    a stepmom and two stepsiblings.   he lived in the basement,   which was his choice,   and quit his job at the pizzeria to focus on school and track full-time like he’d promised his mom.   his dad has always been high-key homophobic so at some point in high school quinn dated the first girl who said yes because he was having doubts about his sexuality and he was afraid of it. 

after graduating high school,   quinn decided to pick up his old job again during the summer between graduation and his new year at sedona’s community college and he’s been working there ever since.   he tries to ask his dad for as little as possible since he’s already paying for his tuitions.   quinn wants to build a career in biochemical engineering,   so he’s studying biology and hopes to transfer to the nearest university where they offer that degree even if it’s post-graduate. 

he broke up with his girlfriend after graduating high-school and honestly his dad’s going to be homophobic no matter what so forcing himself into a relationship he didn’t want was just toxic for both parties involved and he’d never do it again,   especially because he let it go on for so long. 

and that’s it for this part !   his biography has everything much more coherently laid out but tbh it’s kinda long so !!

H E A D C A N O N S :

quinn is really enthusiastic about pokemon so if ur thinking of a gift,   u can’t go wrong with anything related to it.   it’s been his favorite show and video games since he was a child so there’s a lot of nostalgia tied to it. 

quinn has a ton of game apps on his phone and he rarely uses social media.   whenever he’s bored and sitting around,   he prefers playing a game rather than scrolling through a feed.   he also carried around his nintendos...   the nintendo console depends on which game he’s playing but he’s often seen with the 3ds or switch. 

whenever someone interrupts him,   whether it’s mid-sentence,   mid-homework,   mid-whatever-task,   they’ll always get his ‘oh shit’ face because he knows it’ll be hard to focus on whatever he was doing again.   if his thoughts or sentences are interrupted,   he 100% won’t pick up where he left off unless someone reminds him. 

quinn’s often seen with headphones on because he prefers to listen to books since reading is a whole ass task that requires a lot of focus that he doesn’t have and dyslexia absolutely makes things worse.   when texting,   auto-complete is his savior. 

quinn has loved dinosaurs ever since he read jane yolen’s children's books in primary school.   if it has a dinosaur on it,   he’ll buy it. 

he hates the way alcohol tastes but he thinks that drinking is cool so he won’t tell anyone about it.    he honestly doesn’t even drink to get drunk because he’s a good boy but if holding a beer makes him look like he fits in,   he’s going to hold a beer.

quinn...    tries to fit in.   he’s friendly by nature but he doesn’t think that’s enough.   it might have to do with the comments his dad used to make about homosexuality that made him feel like he has to fit a certain mold or else he won’t be accepted by others. 

he’s known he was gay since high-school but he has only really dated a girl.   he’s afraid of being intimate with a boy because he knows that’s what he wants but he has been suppressing that part of himself and thinks that he still needs to suppress it because of his dad.   

the reason he got re-hired at the pizzeria is that the owner has a quinn-shaped soft spot,   not because he’s good at the job.   quinn has the tendency to be late on deliveries and anyone who tries to get free pizzas will get mouthfuls from him about how it’ll come out of his paycheck and please please please just pay for this pizza i swear i won’t be late next time....   but guess what ?    he’s late next time. 

anddddd i think i’ll leave it at that !!   i’m hella excited to plot with everyone so check out his wanted connections list n i’m sure we can work something out !!!!!!!!!

#i.

[jvnisms-blog]

♡♡          hey babes !! it’s ya gal charmi at it again, the mun of azami, with yet another chaotic child on my hands. meet jung woojin and find out more about him below the cut & hit me up for plots or like this and i will slide into your messages !! before you read on please be aware of these triggers: tw: eating disorder mention, tw: depression mention, tw: anxiety mention, tw: self harm mention, tw: parental death mention, tw: suicide mention, tw: domestic abuse mention. all of these are brief and very vague however i want y’all to be safe !! without further ado: 

BACKSTORY: 

was in and out of the adoption system most of his life and went to many toxic homes and families that were neglectful or abusive because he wasn't the perfect child they had dreamed of. at first thought he was never going to be fostered at all because he wasn't the ideal age or considered young enough really for many family setups to want him. 

was separated from his brother in the adoption system and has never fully got over it since they grew up closer than ever due to their circumstances and were more like twins. strongly believing for a long time they were the only ones who could look out for each other and make the miserable upbringing worth fighting through. he still believes he's the only one who can really protect his brother and tears himself apart thinking of how he might have suffered without him, if it was the same way he did. 

the father died of alcohol issues and early set heart failure. the mother decided in her grief and mourning she could not cope with the boys and got rid of them before taking her own life. both parents were fairly young when they had the boys, too young really. 

the boy grew up believing he was a monster and that he was far too violent for loving or to be loved. that he only brought destruction and damage everywhere he went. simply put he was too rough around the edges. 

was taught to believe that if he simply kept quiet and out of the way maybe his foster parents would love him more and he could make his life there more bearable.

his school and teachers did nearly find out but he always lied and covered it up well, in fact lying became increasingly easy because he didn't believe there was anything better waiting for him anyway, he did not want to be saved and a part of him still wanted to pray for the best in his foster parents, a sudden change. a part of him thought he was strong enough to deal with their violence bestowed upon him now. 

of course though this made him a very angry kid with a lot of secrets and a lot of pain he had to keep buried, a lot of the time he became too agressive with his friends and people who attempted to help him because it was all he knew, agressive spat out hurtful words and rash actions that are just a touch too brutal. a shove, words spat in faces. he's trying to be better though, he really is. he doesn't want to hurt or break things anymore. that's all. 

he's beaten up a lot, he tends to brush it off with a 'it happens' or 'it wasn't a big deal' when his ribs end up broken and he's taping them up himself etc.

some nervous dispositions that have stuck are things such as shaking a lot, folding arms in on himself and making himself appear smaller, biting his nails down over excessively.

abandoned foster child who fell prey to the system and came out worse for it because of it all is basically his whole niche. 

a lot of things become an argument even when he doesn't intend it, apologies can come out more like taunting. he can be sharp tongued and ugly with his words. 

in turn he's bad at accepting apologies even when he knows deep down things are his own fault. he struggles to find words that don't burn and hurt and take. he just doesn't know how to do comfort, he thinks he has the idea sometimes but he is scared to reach out and give the wrong touch, end up hurting more instead. 

he has an issue with touching in general. he doesn't let himself do it much, doesn't bestow it on others. he knows what he can be capable of how he can't control his own strength and he is terrified of himself.* biggest promise to himself is that he never hurts anyone even in the smallest way even when its justified in an emotional breakdown or when he is trying to keep himself from being abandoned once again. he won't let himself. 

' you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to the people who love them. are you going to do that?' even if no one else is afraid of him. he is afraid of himself.

' your hands don't know how to be gentle, think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. the fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. you wolf boy, you war machine. you wouldn't know how to hold something magic and not destroy it...' 

is littered in bruises and scars and burn marks. 

CURRENT LIFE: 

since moving to daegu he has slowly made progress, healed, gotten better. he has worked away at himself until he made himself more of a tragic masterpiece than a messy splash of unfinished painting and blurry mottled colours. 

he lives with four friends, close friends who have been with him through everything and taught him how to healthily feel not only happiness and love but also let go of and exhale all of that pain and anger and violence he could not control. that was not his own but haunted him. aching to be placed somewhere else than inside his body which was too small to feel such hurt and heartbreak.

he got therapy after many tries with many therapists who botched up he eventually found one who worked and helped him look for new hobbies which would channel and turn his pessimistic and negative energy and burdens into something more beautiful or better managed. he slowly learned to trust himself at least a little bit more once again. she also helped him on a journey of distance without isolation so he could understand he would not do the harm he always imagined he was the root of. 

when he leaves his family, it is in the middle of the night with packed bags and not much else to his name. he thinks it'll be easier on everyone that way, no letters or texts or calls. in fact he breaks his phone and switches it out for a cheap new one when he's ready to be contacted once again. there are no goodbyes.

he spends four years just crashing on his friend's floor of their apartment who are a couple who practically raise him and take him under their wing and simply accept him in all his flawed and closed off excellence, simply listening and accepting and providing a safe haven without expectations of any kind. 

he works on painting, writing, gardening anything that will teach him how to love and nurture better than he did before. to see beauty and nourish it instead of destroy it or twist it. he learns piano finding romance in the music. 

he got over his eating disorder and began cooking, become a rather skilled chef with his friends help and had more regular meals especially under his guidance when he couldn't cook then the other would do it for him. feeding him steadily every day to build his appetite back up again. 

he took more care to exercise and keep his body and health much more good, nothing amazing but finally the average. he also got a couple jobs all that would help him with communication and learning new talents or discovering his own further.

slowly he stopped flinching every time someone tried to touch or did touch him. small touches from his friends ease him along, an arm slung around his shoulders, a hand in his own, a gentle hug. he finds a makeshift home and love and happiness where everyone isn't trying overly hard to find a way to nurse it into him.

eventually recently he has came to a point where he can cancel his therapy sessions comfortably and flush those pills to help with that anxiety and unbearable sadness. somehow he learns how to breathe again all by himself without someone else coaching him through it all.

EXTRA: 

woojin is gay so romance plots are only applicable to other male muses however in the past before he knew of his sexuality he could’ve had an ex girlfriend or two!

potential romance plot inspiration heavily inspired by the poem yes & no by natalie wee. there’s a lot of flexibility on this one in terms of timeframing so just hit me up to discuss it more after reading the poem if you’re interested !!

the usual plots are of course up for grabs: childhood best friend, current best friend, ex’s, first love, friends he met through therapy, friends he met in the foster system, confidant, coffee fix partner, fake dating, study partner ( he’s studying music ofc and he specializes in production ), someone he writes lyrics for, someone he writes lyrics with or produces with, someone who makes him realize how amazing his lyrics actually are and how much potential lies within that talent as a career goal, his muse, i imagine he works a part time job as a waiter so do with that what u will maybe they can be work buddies?, also does babysitting every now and then for extra cash, etc. 

#daegu:intro #if u managed to read all this i am proud #if u managed to read all this and not cry i am even more proud #my soft broken bird baby boy #tw: anxiety mention #tw: depression mention #tw: eating disorder mention #tw: parental death mention #tw: suicide mention #tw: self harm mention #tw: domestic abuse mention

[daneanja-blog]

       ❝            GLOWING     dim     as     an     e m b e r   !            ❞

- ̗̀✰ •【 KATIE LECLERC / CIS FEMALE / 27 】announcing the arrival of her royal highness, ANJA HOLSTEIN, the PRINCESS of DENMARK. I’ve heard that she is SENSITIVE & NERVOUS but can also be CHARITABLE & GENTLE. ANJA is arranged to marry CAIDEN PICHLER. Rumor has it HER TUTOR TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. We hope you enjoy your stay at London !【 OOC: holly, 21, aest, she/her 】*

hi everyone ! i’m holly, and this is anja ! she’s a sweet gal and i would absolutely love to plot with each and everyone of you ! give this a like or message me here / on discord ( sunflower queen#1244 ) and we’ll plot some stuff !

tw: death, mentioned anxiety disorder, mild ableism* * anja is hoh, as am i ! i promise i write my gal respectfully :’)

about !

name: anja magdalene holstein positive traits: sweet, generous, understanding, open-minded, reasonable negative traits: too careful, unassertive, quiet, awkward, unsure interests: baking, reading, doing work with the unfortunate fun facts: hard of hearing ; loves children ; volunteers with the unfortunate citizens of denmark ; loves to write and read poetry ; history lover ; is known to spend all day in the gardens ; can easily make friends with staff and guards, but struggles with her peers aesthetic: modest clothes, old books, detailed maps, late night reading, stargazing, pastel colours, subtle jewellery, sunflowers, filled diaries, hair ribbons, sunrises, floral scents, working hard, annotated books, deep conversations, blushing cheeks, thick cardigans, lace socks, curly hair, thick blankets, handwritten letters, freckles, wicker baskets on bicycles, early-mid twentieth century pop music, photographs, clean sheets, daisies, lip balm

biography !

⏤ ♕ anja magdalene holstein was born the adoring second child of the danish king and queen, and when she was born, she was born hard of hearing. it took about three years before her parents realised she wasn’t a rude little girl at all, she just couldn’t hear them. she was given hearing aids and was allowed to sign amongst her family and staff, but when it came to public affairs, it was made quite clear by her father that she had to talk. she was made to do speech therapy which went alright, but it was never enough for her father. eventually, anja would come to disregard her father’s opinion of her hearing loss, but it certainly took a toll on the first decade or so of her life.

⏤ ♕ alternatively, she was given full permission to embrace deaf culture by her mother. the woman insisted on tutors on deaf history and dansk tegnsprog / dts ( danish sign language ) tutors so that anja could explore the culture as she should have been allowed to to begin with. thanks to this, anja’s best friend was her mother. she never felt safer or more wanted by anybody else than she did with the queen. at sixteen, the queen encouraged her daughter to become more seriously interested in royal affairs, to which she responded by taking an interest in the danish people, especially those in need.

⏤ ♕ one of her tutors, one that specialised in sciences and mathematics and other things she was awful at, noticed from an early age that the princess wasn’t great at socialising. she found her friends in the staff and wasn’t ashamed of it, but when it came to other nobles, anja was quiet and unsure. the man, handsome and charming, was quick to get onside with the princess, which worked out in his favour: he was more than happy to encourage her little crush on him, especially when it meant he was invited as a guest to parties and was given expensive gifts that he later sold. this went on for years until she was eighteen, heartbroken, and had him fired as a result.

⏤ ♕ of course, when her mother was assassinated, the princess was inconsolable. arguably, she took it the hardest of all her siblings, remaining melancholic and locked up in her room for weeks before emerging with no hearing aids and no proper clothes. she had lost her first real friend, her mother, and the one person she was sure she could rely on despite everything. now a girl that was already unsure of herself was entirely lost, drowning in grief and anxieties. the girl would only sign, which was her preferred language as encouraged by her mother, and did so in memory of the woman -- and to keep herself afloat.

⏤ ♕ when she had begun to get used to the grief, as the ache dulled and the throbbing lessened, anja threw herself into volunteer work amongst the people. the girl had already been called denmark’s darling for her soft nature, regal features, and strong values, but now this was a very fitting title: she began to spend time volunteering with the homeless, at deaf schools, with those affected by illness, wherever she can. it’s a great passion for her, and a fantastic distraction from her former embarrassment and heartbreak, her mother’s death, and her father’s looming presence. 

⏤ ♕ anja is a very kind, thoughtful woman, who is quite open to listening to people’s thoughts about the world -- it just takes a while to get close to her, if you want to know what she’s thinking. despite being entirely naive to romance and marriage and all that follows, the princess is looking forward to marriage, eager to get away from her father. she will miss her siblings, who she adores, but all she wants is a home where she can be herself without worrying about it for too long. and really, isn’t that what everyone wants ?

wanted connections !

✰ family ✰ friends ✰ best friend ✰ unlikely friend ✰ a childhood friend ✰ an almost-betrothed  ✰ an older brother-type figure ✰ someone she once had a crush on ✰ somebody who wanted to marry her  ✰ somebody she keeps meeting sporadically  ✰ literally anything you think would suit our charas

#buckingham:intro #death tw #anxiety tw #ableism tw