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studentbyday · 4 months

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30 days of intentionality

starting this challenge with the goal of taking it one day at a time. i have a hard time doing that these days. i spend more time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future than staying in the present, even if that's when i'm most content. not sure how i'll format my posts and most likely, i'll only do weekly updates bc daily ones are too overwhelming. i'll just go with the flow, trying to trust that everything will end up as it's meant to be and maybe i'll be more productive as focusing primarily on the present moment becomes a habit.

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1. suo gân (arr. john williams for the ambrosian junior choir): i believe that if everyone lived by the idea of global citizenship and so saw the humanity in every individual from every background, there would be no war. reading the news fills me with fear, sorrow, and anxiety, but i also feel the responsibility to stay informed. did some studying today, more than yesterday, but it was kind of uncomfortable with the state of global politics lurking in the back of my mind. i'm still a little behind on school.

2. souvenir de paganini (chopin): today is not so bad. i'm making progress academically, but i do need to make time for social activities soon or i will get lonely and lose what little motivation i have very quickly.

3. once upon a december (arr. emile pandolfi): sometimes in the face of events and issues much bigger than myself that i have no control over, i feel like my dreams are pointless bc i think there's no way achieving them or trying to achieve them could possibly empower me to make real and important change that can truly benefit many. who knows if the future would even allow me to get that far. there are many things that could change the course of our lives that we don't have control over. but if others in worse situations than me and others much better informed than me can still have hope, then so can i. i didn't do much other than pharmacology and a little bit of philosophy today. i made more progress in pharmacology than expected, but that's only bc i didn't do any psych work. i also earned a few more mastery points on khan academy's integrated math 1 (not a priority, i know, but i wanted an easy win) and started lab tasks. i'm far from done with that, i need to do a little every day... i don't want to let them down! 🥺 (note to self: lying in bed is maybe NOT a good study break activity bc that just makes me not wanna do anything else after that and it's very very very hard to get out of that procrastination rut once i let myself fall into it.) 4. let's stay together (al green): everything should be going well, except i'm easily overwhelmed, and this time, it wasn't in an openly frazzled way, it was in a tired and slightly defeated "what's the point?" way, so i didn't realize it as quickly as i usually do. after some bed rest, cuddles 🧸, listening to steve jobs' commencement speech, and a little yoga, i felt better. "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." was something i didn't know i needed to hear today. i modified my to-do list and found that the list of things i "must do" was nearly as long as the list of things i "want to do" 😅

5. kreutzer sonata, movt. 1 (beethoven): pretty sure i've mentioned some of these songs before but...they really fit the mood! sometimes i feel things so strongly that i develop a tightening in my chest that can only be relieved in a scream... since i can't actually scream and i don't actually really like the physical feeling of it, i scream through exercise and music 😅 beethoven is very nice for when i'm feeling very annoyed or angry, especially if it's an anxious kind of angry or if it's anger at injustice/inequality. i can't find a piano solo version that does the fiery spirit of the violin justice. so in the vague future when i actually play this, either i try (and perhaps fail) to replicate that on the piano, or i find a violinist friend who would want to play with me 😅 right now though, imagining how i would physically create that sound on the piano will have to be enough. the prevailing thought/feeling of the day: sometimes i just really wanna believe in the good in people and believe that i can trust (some of) them. i long for that feeling of safety in a broader irl community that i actually belong in. i'm surprised by how often i long for it. but then my negativity is reinforced by news and people's opinions on it.

6. violin sonata no. 1 in g minor, bwv 1001 (j.s. bach): stuff was done. i felt calm/chill throughout the day, but even tho i feel good whenever that happens, it usually means i don't get an extraordinary amount of things done that day (lol since when do i ever). i'm not sure if it's enough, as there is still lots to do and i'm pretty sure that it's just wishful thinking that i'll achieve all my goals for this week by its end. i need to cut down my goals list to the realistic rather than idealistic version as always (school, lab, and basic self-maintenance tasks) 😅 gaawwwdd i hope i can do this...good night.

7. waltz in a minor, b. 150 (chopin): today and yesterday i have been able to keep my phone time under an hour. the days are blissful (if not at least calmer) and focused. 📚

8. only mine (laufey): cuddles in bed while listening to laufey is so soothing 🧸 takes me back to my childhood listening to lullabies in the dark 🥺 motivation to study is hard to find today. i just want to relax 🥺 i'll just do one tiny thing and see where i wanna go from there...

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pupperish · 6 days

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I was today years old when I found out that in the 1999 version of HxH when Melody is talking about the Sonata of Darkness it briefly implies that Chrollo is the fucking devil

Like this absolute trip of an image is obviously Chrollo, right?

#tommybarks #HxH #while this image to so cool i prefer 2011 solely for adhering to the manga and not implying some absolutely insane stuff #but this image fucks #chrollo lucilfer #hunter x hunter #it's all the abnormality of an early AI generated image but it was make in the90s #and also it was made by real people so it's actually good

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leslutdepointedulac · 30 days

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Do you wanna know what's making me sad today? During the séance in Merrick, even when Claudia's telling Louis to kill himself, and she's hurting him in every way possible (both emotionally and physically), Louis was still more concerned for her than he was for himself.

"Merrick, don't let her go into uncertain darkness. Merrick, guide her!"

Even after he's been ridiculed and stabbed by her, he still can't bear the thought of her suffering. He still wants to protect her and ensure she'll be alright. No matter what Claudia does, no matter what she says, no matter how badly she hurts Louis, she will always be his little girl in his eyes.

And I suppose that's part of the problem, is that he still sees her as a child. But at the same time, he's a parent, and parents will always have an aspect of seeing their children as their babies, no matter how old they are. And they'll always have that instinct to love and protect them. Louis is simply a father loving and grieving for his daughter.

What also breaks me, is later that night after the séance, when Louis' talking to David. At the beginning of the book, it says how Jesse and David have heard the sound of music and bird song, but Louis hasn't, and this upsets him.

"Oh, I know it must be tantalizing," I said, finally. "It's so easy to conclude that we're coming close." "No," he said, turning to me politely. "Don't you see, David? You heard the music. I haven't heard it. Jesse heard the music. I've never heard it. Never. And I've been years waiting to hear it, asking to hear it, wanting to hear it, but I never do." His French accent was sharp and precise, as always happened when he was emotional, and I loved the richness it gave to his speech.

That night, in the middle of a conversation with David, Louis stops and looks likes he's listening to something.

"David, do you hear it?" he asked with mounting excitement. "David, listen!" [. . .] "David, listen to it. It's all around us." He rose to his feet, his left hand still pressed to the pain he felt. "David, it's Claudia, it's the music, it's the harpsichord. I hear it all around us. David, she wants me to come. I know it."

The way he goes from sadness to pure joy and excitement at what he thinks is a sign from Claudia is so sad, especially after everything he's experienced. For so long he's longed to hear the sound of the music, for so long he's been living in his misery, and now this one thing is what makes him happy. He's so deep in his own depression, that even after the events with Claudia, he's convinced this is her doing, and he's joyful about it.

He was gazing off, mesmerized and comforted, and his eyes were glazed and his face was softened and unchallenging. "I know that sonata. I remember it. And yes, she loved it, she loved it because Mozart had written it when he was only a child. You can't hear, can you? But you did once, think back on it. It's so very lovely, and how fast she plays, my Claudia." He made a dazed laugh. The tears thickened; his eyes were veiled in blood.

Louis immediately finds peace and comfort in hearing the ghosts of the past, like he can really feel Claudia right there with him in the flat. He also acknowledges how she loved Mozart so much because he found success at such a young age, and he realises how Claudia found solace in that in a way. She may have felt less alone in knowing that there had been someone else who, despite their young age, had seemed so beyond their years. And the way Louis refers to her as 'my Claudia', shows how he's still so immensely proud of her, and how he still feels nothing but love for her.

"I hear the birds singing. Listen. I hear them in their cage. The others—all our kind who know of her—they think of her as heartless, but she wasn't heartless. She was only aware of things which I didn't learn till so many decades had passed. She knew secrets that only suffering can teach. . . ." His voice trailed off. He pulled back gracefully from my grasp and he walked to the center of the room. He turned about as though the music were truly surrounding him.

Louis is aware of the fact that Claudia did what she did as a result of her suffering and her pain at being trapped, both in her child's body and by her fathers. It's like he can't bring himself to see any wrong in what she did. Louis knows that because of her predicament, it caused her to see the world in a way he wouldn't be able to understand, until he too has experienced great pain in his life.

Claudia was far more experienced in her suffering than he or anyone else could ever give her credit for. What she went through was a very personal and individual experience, that couldn't have been taught by her directly, but through Louis' own journey through life.

"Don't you see what a kindness she's done?" he whispered. "It's going on and on, David, it's getting all the more rapid. Claudia, I'm listening to you." He broke off, and turned again, his eyes moving over everything yet seeing, nothing. "Claudia, I'll be with you very soon."

He's so convinced that what he's hearing is Claudia trying to communicate with him. He genuinely believes that she's doing him a favour by giving him permission to leave this life, and join her in death. He's so desperate and so blinded by his grief and his love for her, that he's willing to do the unthinkable, in the hopes that it might please her and release them both from their hurt.

He stood still with his head bowed. His hands had dropped to his sides. He seemed infinitely sad and infinitely defeated. "Has it stopped?" I asked. "Yes," he whispered. Slowly he looked up, lost for the moment, then getting his bearings.

The second he can't hear the music anymore, Louis feels as though he's lost that connection with Claudia; the one bit of communication from her he felt he had left. The thought that he's lost her all over again brings him back down to the reality of the situation: that Claudia's no longer with him.

As for him, he stood as before, elegant in his faded black, a man dreaming, the blood dried in his eyes and giving him a dreadful look, as he stared off again, distant from my heated compassion, cutting himself off from any solace I could bring. "You'll meet me tomorrow," I said. He nodded. "The birds are gone now," he whispered. "I can't even hum the music inside my head." He seemed unbearably distressed.

There's nothing that David can do to reach Louis at this point. The only thing that can bring him any sort of comfort is Claudia, and having some form of connection with her again. Even after David tries to make him promise they'll meet, to try and convince Louis not to do anything, all Louis can do is vaguely acknowledge it before going back to what he previously heard.

He's heartbroken that after all this time of not hearing anything, he finally had what he thought was communication with Claudia, only for it to disappear again like it never even happened. That music and bird song were the only things bringing him comfort, and now it's gone, along with Claudia, lost to him once again.

#for the most part i'm not a huge fan of merrick #but the louis parts make it worth while to me #not just because i'm bias but because they genuinely are the best bits of the book #those parts are so poignant and so vital to louis' character #after all those years and he never forgot claudia #never stopped thinking about her now that she's gone #despite how heartbreaking it is the last few chapters of merrick are my favourites of that book *because* of the emotions that come with it #this whole section of the book breaks my heart and makes me cry tbh #louis de pointe du lac #claudia #merrick #vampire chronicles #tvc #vc meta #vc quotes #my vampire chronicles

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artscheese · 9 months

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Everyone say hello to Sonata!

He's an underdeveloped 1st level nightmaren who was meant to be more human like when wizeman made him, but it was failed and he was formed into this shadowy figure that he is today.

Some facts about him:

-His scarf gives him the ability to fly and the first and only maren to walk on two feat.

-He can make shadow puppets and can have the ability to make them come too life. He can also shapeshift into any shadow of an object and animal, even other marens as well.

-Unlike NiGHTS and first level marens, if a human dualizes with Sonata, that human can form into a humanoid like shadow

Umm,, yeah that's it! I'll probably write more soon

#nights into dreams #nights journey of dreams #nights sega #nights oc #fanmaren #shout out to you if you remember him from my twitter!#I really wanna write more #but my brain is like #“no I don't want to ”#But yeah I finally gave him a name!#portfolio

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mickimagnum · 6 months

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Devin's Dude Ranch: Episode Nine

*the episode opens with a shot of Echo Valley Ranch. It's early-mid morning and the birds are singing.*

Devin, in diary room (with a lot of energy): "Today's the day of our second challenge and I can't wait to see how the guys do! Can you tell I'm really excited about this one!?"

*the next shot opens with Devin standing in front of a stage area set-up in her backyard. the contestants are lined up in front of her.*

Devin: "Hi guys! Good morning. Welcome to our second challenge. I hope you guys are ready to give this one all you've got because frankly, I've really been looking forward to today."

Devin (continues): "I can see it on your faces: 'Devin, what the heck are we doing?'. Well, fellas. Today, you'll be putting on a talent show!"

*the contestants murmur among themselves*

Devin (continues): "I know you've all got special talents and I want to see them today. Whoever impresses me the most will win a solo date. Are you guys ready?"

*the contestants cheer in reply*

Devin: "That's what I want to hear! Alright, Houston. You're up first!"

*the next shot shows Houston sitting down at a grand piano, he begins playing Moonlight Sonata*

*Devin can be seen in the background with a smile slowly spreading across her face*

*Houston's playing is beautiful, though he does trip over a few notes here and there. he grimaces when he does but pushes through and finishes the piece.*

*when Houston finishes he stands, receives his applause and waits to hear from Devin*

Devin: "Wow. That was truly beautiful, Houston. You continue to impress me. Thank you."

*Houston places his hand over his heart, mouths 'thank you' to Devin then returns to his seat with a smile on his face.*

Stan, in diary room: "Hot damn. Is there anything that boy can't do? I mean, it wasn't perfect, but it was sure a hell of a lot better than I coulda done. I might be in trouble for this date."

*the next shot shows Albert on stage. he has a microphone in his hand and is performing a comedy routine.*

Albert: "I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, 'Man, that cat’s fat.' And it feels rude, you know, like, 'He doesn’t speak Simlish, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.' And they’re just… you know, they’re like, 'What are y’all feeding this cat?'"

Albert (continues): "You’re like, 'Whatever you feed a cat, dude. Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.' You know, he’s not like, 'Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.' And then they’re like, 'Well, y’all should do something.' You’re like, 'What do you think we’re not doing? Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?' He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, 'Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.' Just keep doing what you’re doing."*

*Devin & the contestants can be heard howling with laughter*

*comedy bit originally by Nate Bargatze - because I'm too high and tired to try to write actual comedy.

*when his bit is complete, Albert puts the microphone back and waits to hear from Devin*

*Devin wipes her eyes and composes herself*

Devin: "That is...*bleep*ing hilarious, Albert. Do your parents really have a fat cat?"

*Albert nods*

Albert: "Oh yeah. His name is Reggie."

Devin: "Well, I love Reggie. And thank you so much for making me laugh so hard my face hurts. I didn't know you were such a comedian, but now that I do, that's a plus in your column, cowboy."

*Albert runs over to Devin and kisses her hand before hustling back to his seat*

Houston, in diary room: "I hate to admit it, but Albert's bit was actually really funny. Now I'm worried. I really want this date with Devin."

*The next scene opens with Stan at the microphone. he's backed up by music playing through the stereo behind him and he's singing Cheeseburger in Paradise.*

*Devin looks on, half impressed by the quality of Stan's singing voice and half amused by his choice of song.*

Stan (singing):

"I like mine with lettuce and tomato Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer Well, good God almighty which way do I steer For my

Cheeseburger in paradise Making the best of every virtue and vice Worth every damn bit of sacrifice To get a cheeseburger in paradise Get me a cheeseburger in paradise I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise"

*the music comes to an end, and Stan squares himself in front of Devin, clearly proud of his performance*

Devin: "Stan! That was both entertaining and impressive. I didn't know you could sing that like! And somehow that song choice is 100% you. I loved it. Thank you so much."

*Stan nods to Devin, thanks her and returns to his seat, wiping the sweat from his forehead*

Handra, in diary room: "Stan was living his best life up there. He was being true to himself and I loved that for him. Way to go, buddy!"

*the next scene opens with Handra front and center. He's playing Hotel California on guitar.*

*Devin leans forward in her seat and watches Handra play intently*

*Handra plays perfectly, making each note of the song come alive as he strums the resonator guitar.*

*when the song is over, he sets the guitar down and looks to Devin*

*Devin takes a deep breath*

Devin: "Handra. Wow. That was incredible and so...moving. Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us. I had no idea you were musically talented. I'm very, very impressed."

*Handra beams at her, mouths 'thank you' before blowing her kiss and returning to his seat*

Albert, in diary room: "My boy Handra can play, holy *bleep*. I'm in trouble for this date. Man!"

Devin: "Guys, that was every bit as amazing as I hoped it would be. Thank you so much for showing me your talents. I am so impressed by all of you. Truly."

Devin (continues): "This was a really, really hard decision. But, at the end, I had to go with the person who surprised me the most with their talent."

Devin (continues): "And that person, is..."

Devin (continues): "Albert!"

*Albert stands up and looks utterly shocked*

*Winner picked by random name picker.

*he meets Devin at the front and the two share a quick hug*

Devin: "Congrats, funny guy."

*Albert grins and returns to his seat*

Devin: "Again, guys, thank you so much for today. I really had a good time and hope you did too. And don't forget - there are still plenty of chances to win solo dates with me."

Albert, in diary room: "I won. I'm going on a solo date with my girl. I can't believe it. And Mom told me I'd never get anywhere being funny. I guess I owe Reggie some catnip or something..."

Devin, in diary room: "I can't believe the talents these guys have been holding out on me. I mean, how amazing was today!? And I'm really, really looking forward to my date with Albert. I can't wait to spend more time with him and see if there's more between us than surface level stuff."

Houston submitted by @invisiblequeen Albert submitted by @bakersimmer James "Stan" submitted by @natolesims Handra submitted by @bloomingkyras

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#devinsduderanch #devin delaney #houston bloom #handra diaz #albert robins #james stanford #sims 4 bachelorette #sims 4 bachelorette challenge #echo valley ranch #chestnut ridge #sims 4 horse ranch #simblr #the sims 4 #sims community #ts4 #sims 4 love story #sims 4 story #sims 4 screenshots

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thepalmofyourfreezinghand · 1 year

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i actually love you’re losing me haha

but i got a little sad/frustrated at the thought that most people taylor’s writing songs about won’t ever get the chance to tell their side of the story. and it’s such a complicated matter, too. because while yes, i believe that singing/writing about one’s own experience shouldn’t be viewed as wrong, it’s hard to ignore the audience’s reaction to the songs.

i remember this one interview, i think it was from red era, when taylor was telling a story about a guy who after breaking up said something along the lines of “don’t you think about writing songs about me”. and taylor played it off as a joke, and i think she said that she replied i won’t, and then she did, with the sassiness that was on-brand for her back then, and which i loved. but this particular interview always was in the back of my mind whenever one of her exes was brought up within the fandom.

i remember that people would bring up this quote as an example of jake’s(?) assholery, and i get that, because trying to control another person’s way of expression is kind of an asshole move, but. it must be extremely frustrating for taylor’s exes to be painted as the bad guys and then be hated by thousands (if not millions) of people for years after.

and it’s not even the ‘rabid’ fans, so to speak. one of my best friends, a fellow swiftie, reacted with confusion and mild disgust(?; i’m sorry, not sure if that’s the best word for it haha) upon hearing that one of my comfort movies is one in which jake plays lead role. and she’s really rational and level-headed. granted, she’s probably not tweeting hateful stuff about him, but it still impacts her choices about which movies to watch, for example. and i imagine there’s more people like that.

i have this one song of john mayer’s that brings great memories, cause it was my camp counselor’s favourite and he used to play it for us on his guitair & sing, and i felt guilty listening to it for YEARS bc of what john mayers did to taylor.

i went on quite a rant, but what i mean is: the view that taylor only writes songs about her ex-boyfriends is *extremely* damaging and frankly not true, but it’s hard to deny that her songs impact (sometimes more, sometimes less) the lives of people about whom the song are about. the question is, should artist take it into account while creating, or would that impact the craft too much? i don’t exactly have an answer.

but i do understand why people would be afraid to start a relationship with taylor.

also, your blog feels very safe, so thank you for that :D <3

Okay, so... I'll get back to this when I'm not as frustrated with the fandom as I am today, but there are a couple of things I wanna say.

I need everyone who says "it's her story, she can say whatever she wants!" to please reflect on what such a blank statement entails and what are its consequences.

EXAMPLE A. Lev Tolstoy is one of the greatest writers that have ever existed. He was also a horrible human being who vexed and tormented his wife, Sophia Tolstaya, for years. I'm not gonna go into that here, but there was abuse, of all sorts, involved. Tolstoy crushed her spirit and made her life miserable while forcing her to bear more than ten children. Tolstoy is also the author of "The Kreutzer Sonata", a novella about the hatred of a man for his wife, which ends with the former killing the latter (described by him as "hysterical" and "mentally diseased") and which can be read as an ode to sexual purity. Did Tolstoy practise what he preached in the novel? Absolutely not. And yet, his word was taken as gospel by everyone in Russia, and people pitied Sophia. They thought that she was the woman portrayed in the novel and that she was making poor Tolstoy's life miserable, even though she went to great lengths to stop people from speculating and talking about it (she went as far as protesting the censorship of the novella in front of the czar). After the author's death, she was also despised by scholars and her entire persona was reduced to that of a frigid wife holding her husband back. It was only at the beginning of the 2000s that Sophia's diaries and two novels were finally published and studied. And they told the story of a woman who longed for a loving marriage and who was dying in her husband's shadow. It took 100 years for people to learn the truth about Sophia, because they'd only paid attention to Tolstoy's art before then.

EXAMPLE B. Hélène Devynck is Carrère's ex-wife. He is, without any doubt, one of the most famous writers alive, and arguably a top 10 writer worldwide when it comes to literary fiction and nonfiction. He is, again, an amazing writer (read "The adversary"). In his latest work, Yoga, he had a few passages where he wrote avout Devynck, even though in their divorce there was a clause that forced him to submit anything he wrote about Devynck to her, so that she could delete it, no questions asked. The story is long, but this quote from Devynck sums it up nicely: "I'm asking for distance. I don't want to be his literary object anymore. I just want to exist elsewhere".

So, to sum up: to every fan out there who's saying "she can do whatever she wants with her story! She shouldn't care about the consequences!", PLEASE remember that that's the same excuse used to justify what famous and powerful MALE artists have done for years: write about their female partners, make them a character in their story and delete their personality without any care for the consequences.

I don't have a solution. And I think that art should be as free as possible. But if you can't recognize the precarious position of "the muse", if you can read Carrère's ex-wife plea and still think that the author can do whatever the fuck they want, then I really don't know what to tell you...

#taylor swift #joe alwyn #you're losing me

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team-jpde · 1 year

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Time for more re-introductions of JPDE Characters and today it's all about the girl who started it all. The redhead. The cinnamon bun. The legend. Penny Polendina.

It's not an exaggeration to state that without Penny, there's no JPDE Sonata of Fire. There's no Team JPDE. There's no GalaxiA. I wasn't even into RWBY until a friend introduced me to Penny.

I fell in love with her design, her personality, her voice acting... Then Volume 3's finale happened. And I was like: HELL NAW! JPDE - Sonata of Fire literally started as an effort to give Penny what, in my mind, she deserved: a real team, close friends, love, a happy life (that was 7 years ago, holy hell).

Of course, it then became MUCH more but Penny was the start of everything. Because of that, no matter how much I may not like how the series has developed over the years, I will be forever grateful to RWBY for at the very least creating Penny.

In JPDE - Sonata of Fire, Penny survives the events of the Fall of Beacon but, ehm... I still put her through other wringers, especially emotional ones. Also gave her opportunities to show off her badassery, capacity for love, and... Gave her an existential crisis. >.>

Anyway, I can't wait to show you what other adventures she's going to go through in JPDE2 - Adagio of Darkness! I love you, Penny!

ARTISTS:

Amaco - http://amaco-illust.weebly.com/

Sa-Dui - https://twitter.com/MintSaDui

Chocojax - http://www.chocojax.com/

ArsonicArts - https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/6363154

#rwby #jpde #penny polendina #ruby rose #nuts and dolts #rwby fan game #rwby fan art #visual novel #renpy #rwby art #nuts n dolts #jpdespot #text

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detroit-grand-prix · 2 months

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letzte rose - ein ode an die pflicht

Toto Wolff x Susie Wolff Royal/Historical AU

Chapter Summary: After his time reflecting and soul-searching on how to resolve his loneliness, the Emperor decides to take his daughter up on an invitation for an evening out to the opera. When the curtain goes up, he realizes that maybe his heart hadn't been buried after all.

A quiet Monday afternoon followed a very busy morning, spent mostly receiving official guests in the audience chamber. Toto ate lunch alone, finding the need to decompress after a long morning of talking. As he sat and worked on the things he had set aside for the afternoon, he found himself feeling antsy.

“Maybe going for a walk would help”, he thought. He could stretch his legs, and clear his head. It had been three days since the gardener had given him the white rose, which was now on his desk, and his thoughts were buzzing after the epiphany he had come to, that maybe it was time to seek the companionship of another.

However, he didn’t want to bother with the list of names of eligible women his mother gave him, not yet.

Toto liked to walk through the gardens when he could. He loved the palace gardens, and both the Schönbrunn and the Hofburg had extensive gardens with a wide variety of trees and plants, statues and fountains. His ancestors who had built both palaces had clearly always valued the beauty of nature, and brought it in from the world over, including an orangery filled with fresh citrus trees from the Americas, and a palm house filled with plants and trees from the tropics.

The gardens at the Hofburg were much smaller than those of the Schönbrunn, but no less picturesque, but the way the biting November gales rattled the windows in his bedroom and study, plus the gloomy gray light, told him that today was best spent indoors.

So, he found himself walking the halls of the palace, toward the west wing that he rarely saw these days, aside from going to the chapel. It was clear from the reactions of some of the palace staff that it was a surprise to see Toto roaming the halls of this part of the palace at this time; even as they bowed and curtsied, he could see the mild shock on their faces as he acknowledged them with a nod.

He continued walking down the hallways, his mind feeling pleasantly vacant of thoughts, just enjoying the journey without having a particular destination in mind. He thought about making essentially a large loop around the building, but he was stopped in his tracks by the distant sound of soft piano music. It was hard to make out what was being played, but as he drew closer to it, he was able to recognize the piece as the first movement of a Mozart piano sonata he quite liked. It was number 11, he believed, in A major. Whoever was playing it was quite talented, perhaps one of the court musicians.

He was delighted when he arrived at the right room, and peeked carefully around the doorframe, not wanting to be spotted and end up interrupting whoever it was that was playing so wonderfully.

To his pleasant surprise, over the top of the music rack, he saw his daughter’s head, the dark blonde ringlets at the side of her head swaying gracefully with her movements as she worked her way through the bouncier, more upbeat variations. He couldn’t help but smile, unable to resist the temptation to keep watching from the side of the doorframe. Thankfully, the end of the piano faced the door, and while it obscured most of her from view, it likely obscured Toto from being spotted, as he didn’t want to interrupt.

So he thought.

— I can see you, you know — Rosi said, though she did not stop her playing, except to finish the first Andante grazioso movement before moving onto the Minuetto. Her voice sounded cheerful, like she had to stop herself from giggling.

Toto blushed as he stepped into the doorframe, making little effort to hide his sheepish smile from view as he walked into the room, sinking into one of the elegant chairs set up around the piano. Rosi continued playing, giving Toto a slight smile as he sat down. The room was set up for a private salon, but Toto was not sure the last time he had attended one. He knew they were popular with some of the court’s ladies, and his mother frequently played hostess to them.

It was open, but relatively small and plain in comparison to the other rooms near it. It was on the second floor, almost directly above the chapel. Toto’s mother had had it redecorated a few times, very obviously not knowing what to do with its interior, and it showed. The walls were covered with a green floral wallpaper and matching window appointments that Toto thought clashed horrendously with the rich red carpeting and reddish wooden molding and wooden paneling along the lower part of the wall, and the enormity of the paintings and tapestries of the room didn’t help it look any less stuffy.

But, it didn’t matter, he never came down to this room, and even now, he was too entranced by his daughter’s playing to notice the decor.

Toto sat and listened as Rosa finished the grand-sounding Minuetto movement, and moved into the dizzying quickness of the Alla Turca.

Rosi finished the last few chords with a flourish, and Toto applauded politely as she moved the bench back to stand and take a mock bow.

— That was wonderful — Toto said. He felt himself beaming at her with pride. Whereas Benedict had developed a talent and passion for sports, Rosi’s talents and sensibilities were firmly in things like music, and art. She had taken piano lessons from a young age, and while she had come to learn many instruments and had an impressive knowledge of musical theory, the piano was her passion — It’s been too long since I’ve heard you play, I think. So I am glad I decided to come this way.

— I was going to say — Rosi said, quietly playing something Toto thought sounded familiar, but couldn’t place it; another one of Mozart’s sonatas, if he had to guess — It has been a while since I’ve seen you outside of your office, aside for church and supper.

— Well — Toto said, with a smirk — You would have seen me at breakfast the other day, but you were with your aunt. So instead, I had the pleasure of only having your grandmother’s company.

Rosi giggled.

— Yes, she told me that she brought up the idea of you remarrying again, and that you… uh, did not receive it well.

— Oh, is that all she said about it? I’m surprised — Toto leaned back a bit in his chair as he cocked an eyebrow.

— Well, no… she said you had a bit of a tantrum about it — Toto laughed — That you stormed off in a huff and went to play with your horses, she thinks, just like you used to do when you were a boy.

Toto chuckled and shook his head.

— She’s not wrong, and I’m not proud of it. But, I’ve told her time and again that it’s not something I wish to discuss — Toto said, an air of concession in his voice.

— I understand your frustration. She started talking to me about the suitors she has lined up for me, all of these men that are handsome and charming and are a perfect match for me because, but all of them are probably twice my age and will see me as nothing more than the daughter of Emperor Christian.

She finished her playing by pressing a random assortment of keys, making a sharp, crunching chord, and turned on the piano bench to face her father with a sigh.

Toto was always impressed by his daughter’s acerbic wit and wisdom beyond her years. She may have mostly gotten Toto’s features — his square jaw, wide smile, shapely nose, high cheeks, and dark brown eyes, but there was no question that she got her intelligence from her mother.

He chuckled softly.

— You never know. I had not expected much when your grandmother arranged my marriage to your mother, but I would say that it worked out wonderfully. But, out of curiosity — Toto asked — And if you don’t mind my asking, I know this is not something we’ve spoken about before, but… what sort of man would you marry, if you had a choice?

— Hm — Rosi said, tilting her head back in thought. She was leaning with her hands on the back of the piano bench, swinging her feet back and forth gently as the toes of her shoes skimmed the top of the carpeting — I suppose I haven’t thought about it much. But, I would hope that he would like music, like me, you know, going to operas and concerts and the ballet. I’d want him to be intelligent, the sort of man who likes to read, has some curiosity… but, he should be kind, most of all.

Rosi’s eyes dropped back toward the keyboard of the piano in front of her. Toto knew that his daughter had seen many women of the court enter into marriages of obligation where a man would take a wife and, at best, ignore her, and at worst, treat her horribly. Toto certainly wouldn’t willingly marry his daughter off to some noble scoundrel to have her be miserable for the rest of her life, but without Stephanie, the matter of setting up his daughter’s future betrothal was mostly in the hands of Archduchess Johanna.

He wasn’t sure what to say, but before he could respond, Rosi spoke up.

— Speaking of operas, I know this is a long shot, but a friend of mine, Andrea, you’ve met him, but he goes by Antonelli, he’s one of the cellists for the company at the Kärntnertortheater, he says they have a new opera debuting next week. I know it has been a long time since you’ve gone to the theater, but… perhaps you’d like to go with me?

Toto blinked, surprised at the invitation, and trying to remember the last time he had gone to the opera.

He and Stephanie used to attend the theater frequently; both of them especially loved operas. Toto thought for a moment; the last one he remembered attending was the second premiere of Kreutzer’s Das Nachtlager in Granada… but that had to have been a decade ago, shortly after his wife passed.

It was his first time going to a public event after her funeral, but the experience of going somewhere in public without having his wife to speak to. He hated having to sit by himself in the imperial box, he hated the way he kept seeing everyone glancing his way. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t used to standing out in public; it was impossible to go anywhere as the ruler of an empire without attracting attention, but when he was with members of his family, the attention didn’t feel like it was trained so sharply on him.

Not to mention looks of pity and sadness that people gave him that night, his first time out as a widower, and without his children — made him uncomfortable enough that he decided it would also be the last. He could rule the nation, yes, but he couldn’t go out in public without someone by his side; the realization of which brought him great shame, furthering his disinterest. It was like he was trying to pull out a splinter, but only driving it deeper under his skin.

The timing of Rosi’s invitation felt like another sign. He couldn’t undo the last eleven years and face them with more bravery and resolve, but he could face the future with it.

— You don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course, I know you don’t really like… going out in public, not since mama died — Rosi said — But… I just thought, you know, maybe you would like to see this show. I’m told that it’s very funny. And that the lead soprano is very talented. I thought it might… cheer you up, and we could spend some time together.

Rosi took a long breath in and sighed, almost as if she was trying to steady herself before continuing.

— It is very fortunate that you’ve come down here, because I have been wanting to talk to you for a while, but you’ve been so busy that I haven’t been able to see you, but after I heard your argument with grandmother, I got a little worried that being so isolated for so long might be affecting you. I know it’s been very hard since mama died, but Bene and I have both been worried about you for a long time, and we just think it would be better if you got out more, like… you used to.

Toto’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

— I’m sorry if that was out of turn, but, I swear I’m just concerned for…

— You don’t have to apologize, my daughter. You are absolutely right, and I had actually arrived at the same conclusion myself after I spoke to your grandmother. I did some thinking to myself when I was in the Stallburg, and prayed to the Lord that He might send me some direction, and… well, I think it is time I stop hiding away. I think your mother is probably quite disappointed in me and would want the same — he said, remembering Phillip presenting him with the white rose; it was surely the sign he had asked for from Stephanie, her permission and reassurance that his life did not have to end with hers.

However, the meaning of the rose — to him, at least, would be his own little secret, one last inside joke between Toto and his dearest departed wife.

— Now — Toto said, abruptly, hoping to change the subject — Tell me about this opera.

— It’s called Martha, I think, and it’s by Frederich Flotow. He premiered another opera called Alessandro Stradella here in Vienna two years ago. I hadn’t seen it, but I heard good things — Rosi said, her voice full of delight — Apparently this one is a romantic comedy… oh, and the woman playing the lead, the soprano? She’s from England, I hear!

If there was one thing that Rosi had loved as much as music, it was traveling. She had loved it since she was a child, as her mother did. She hadn’t traveled widely since she was younger, but being at court afforded her the opportunity to meet lots of people that came to Vienna from all sorts of places, like the diplomats, artists, and musicians that came to the palace, or to perform at one of the theaters in Vienna.

When she was able, she loved to ask these visitors questions about what their home countries were like, what sort of food they had, what cities they had come from — really, all manner of things. Benedict had always been a bit more reserved, but Rosi was as outgoing as they came.

— England? Interesting — Toto said. It was not unusual for guest artists to come from all around Europe to perform; having so many well-known composers hailing from Vienna over the last century had turned the city into somewhat of a hub for music, opera, and ballet, but he couldn’t recall ever having heard of someone coming so far from the west in a while — I wonder how she’s getting on with the language, I’m not sure if most of the English speak German.

— I asked Andrea that, too, since they've been doing final rehearsals this week, but apparently her German is rather good. I imagine she would have not gotten the part if it wasn’t, the libretto is in German.

— I see. It should be a wonderful show, then. I’m sure we will enjoy it.

Rosi’s expression changed once more, going from excited to pensive.

— Father… are you sure you want to go with me? I know you haven’t gone to any events in a very long time, and I know a big premiere like this will draw quite a large crowd, and I know you’ve never loved being in crowded places, so I don’t want to make you…

Toto was quick to get on his feet, walking to the piano bench without a word. He took both of his daughter’s hands in his. Rosi stood up to try and meet his eyes — a difficult task given how tall Toto was.

— What…

— My dear daughter — Toto said. His hold on his daughter’s hands was gentle, but there was a firmness and resolve in his voice that even surprised him — I would love to go with you, and I am so happy you thought to ask me first.

Rosi’s eyes widened, and a smile started to spread over her features that made Toto’s heart flutter.

— I know that I have neglected a lot of my duties in the last few years, both as emperor and your father, but I feel that God is giving me a chance to put all to rights, so I shall take it — he punctuated a statement with a kiss to the top of his daughter’s hand — Besides, you will be with me, I have no reason to be nervous.

A look of pure elation spread across Rosi’s face as she took her hands back, throwing her arms around her father’s midsection. He stumbled back a bit so as not to fall over as his daughter buried her face in the lapels of his jacket.

— Oh, papa! — she squealed — I’m so happy!

Toto did his best to hug his daughter back, but found it difficult to bend over much further, so he settled for affectionately patting the back of her head, careful not to disturb her hair that was tied into a neat chignon.

And so, on Thursday evening, Toto found himself seated in a carriage with his daughter for the very short ride from the Hofburg to the Theater am Kärntnertor with his daughter, flanked by a host of Imperial guards.

Ordinarily, he would opt to wear his military dress uniform when appearing in public. He was proud of his military history and even now, thought of himself first and foremost as a military man, but Philipp had convinced him to wear a more ordinary evening dress; after all, he said, he was not attending the opera as the head of state, but as a father spending the evening with his daughter.

It had been a long time since he left the walls of the Hofburg palace for an extended period, other than leaving to spend the summer in Bad Ischl, or to go to the Schonbrunn for state purposes, so it had been a long time since he had seen the way people stopped in the streets as the carriage went past to bow or curtsy. The way people looked at him — with shock or surprise — made him feel uneasy, but it wasn’t unwarranted, he supposed. He did his best to smile and wave in return.

The mood of the crowd inside the theater was a little different — the noise of the crowd rose to almost a buzz as people whispered excitedly as his retinue passed through the entry foyer on the way up to the imperial box, though they still bowed reverently, he noticed a lot of them were smiling.

He did his best to acknowledge as many people as possible, but by the time he and Rosi reached their seats in the imperial box, he felt a familiar anxiety creeping in. Rosi, perhaps sensing this — she was keenly observant — dropped back to walk alongside her father, giving his gloved hand a gentle squeeze as they ascended the stairs to their seats.

Toto felt a bit better once he and Rosi had taken their seats, with a pair of guards posted by the doors.

The imperial box was, naturally, the best seat in the house, placed in the dead center of the mezzanine, hung with scarlet buntings and curtains trimmed in gold. A set of doors in the rear of the box lead to a grand-looking reception room, where there would be a private reception for the cast and musicians following the show, along with

— Oh, there’s Andrea! — Rosi said, eagerly tugging at her father’s sleeve as she pointed into the orchestra pit just in front of the stage. — There, on the outside of the second row!

He glanced over and saw a young-looking man with a round, almost cherubic-looking face and a mass of unruly-looking dark curls on his head. He was deftly playing through his warm-ups as he noticed Rosi pointing him out, and shot her a small smile in return. He didn’t look like he was any older than Rosi was; Toto thought that he must have enormous talent to have gotten a seat in the Imperial opera company at his age.

He nodded in Andrea’s direction, and busied himself with looking at the playbill, trying to ignore the excited pointing and whispering of the parts of the audience that had doubtlessly noticed that the imperial box was occupied for the first time in a while. He browsed through the names of the cast, a few of which sounded familiar, probably from the newspapers, like the lead tenor, Mr. Erl, but his eyes kept going back to the line with the lead soprano billed.

— Fraulein Stoddart — he said quietly. Something about the name piqued Toto’s curiosity; maybe the fact that Rosi had told him that the lead soprano was an Englishwoman, though it could have passed for sounding German if he didn’t know any better.

Before long, the house lights dimmed and the audience fell into a hush, and the conductor came out to applause and to tune the orchestra. Toto felt a strange shiver of anticipation before the overture started; not only it had been a long time since he had been to the theater at all, it was the first time he’d been to an actual premiere performance. Operas he had been to before had all been performed for years, so familiarity with the storylines was simply common cultural knowledge.

All that the playbill had revealed was that the show was a romantic comedy set in England during the reign of Queen Anne, and very little else.

During the overture, a lone costumed French Horn player came out onto the stage, in front of the curtain, setting up a small stool as he played a lyrical-sounding solo before being comically chased off by an actor in an English police uniform.

The overture ended with applause, and the curtain opened a few moments later to reveal a set that appeared to be the bedroom of a wealthy woman. There was a full troupe of maids onstage, and two women in elegant gowns, the likes of which Toto had seen in paintings of some of his ancestors. There was a brunette woman in a sky-blue gown, and a blonde woman, sitting on a chair in the foreground, facing away from the audience, her posture such that she looked positively disinterested in anything going on around her.

The chorus of maids, including the woman in blue, started singing, and when he realized what he was hearing, his stomach dropped.

— You have been so strange, my lady, may we know the reason why? You have seemed to change, my lady, with each day that passes by. Why are you so discontented? Do you want for anything? You have all that life can offer, all that rank and wealth can bring — they sang.

If they weren’t using the term Lady, Toto thought they may as well be singing directly to him.

He turned his head to quickly glance at Rosi, but she was focused on the stage, but his emotions made another violent turn as the lead — this Ms. Stoddart — finally began to sing about the flowers and gifts she had been sent.

The moment she turned her face to respond to the chorus, there was a sudden squeeze on Toto’s heart. Her voice was heavenly; it was rich, full, and clear, and it rose over the orchestra with ease. He was unsure if her dramatic hairstyle was a theatrical wig or her natural hair, but it glowed like spun gold in the stage lighting.

— Leave me — she sang — Let me be blessed by loneliness. My joy be shared, I bear my pain alone!

By the time the introduction ended and the chorus of maids dashed offstage, Toto felt like his mouth was dry and his heart was pounding, but not in a way that made him feel uncomfortable.

No, it was something else.

He was enthralled. He was alive. He was in love.

#f1 fanfic #f1 au #f1 historicial au #f1 royalty au #series: lezte rose #toto wolff fanfic #toto wolff x susie wolff #f1 rpf #f1 rpf fic #my writing #my fanfic writing

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 1 year

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Oh No! Here Comes Trouble: (more) Headcanons

Look I have no excuses left. I’m trying to channel Guangyan’s academic success and only succeeding in channeling Yiyong’s. They practically owe me a season two at this point for making me the OnePer of my own life.

1.) Chuying has gotten…well. A tad bit “cautious” now, never mind her coworkers’ gentle comment about her being “totally fucking paranoid,” because they didn’t have to scrape Yiyong’s broken body and Guangyan’s broken heart off the floor of a museum, leaving their own broken confidence behind, now did they? Its not really a problem. Until it is. Until she clotheslines one of Guangyan’s little college friends who’s running towards him and looking shady about it (who looks happy at school on a Tuesday? Villains. Psychopaths. Pastry chefs. Bad people, that’s who). It’s possible her boss was right to force her to go to therapy. She will not be telling him that. She maintains overcaution is best (Yiyong had laughed when he’d heard about it and Guangyan had looked suspiciously gleeful at the sight of his supposed school friend’s cartwheel through the air), so it’s fine.

2.) Yiyong’s first case post coma two (ugh) is a dead violinist trying to locate his lost sonata that it turns out his fake friend stole and killed him over. After the case is settled, Guangyan waxes on about some dumb movie called Coco and forces Yiyong to watch it. It’s after one of Yiyong’s PT sessions, so they sit in Yiyong’s bed for it. There is approximately no room and Guangyan keeps hissing about how certain people treat their guests, but they eventually create a blanket fort, largely by accident, and settle in to watch. Yiyong’s mother joins them partway through, smelling like dye chemicals. Yiyong is not upset by the story. He isn’t. He’s upset by his mom’s worn out voice as she asks random questions about the film like Yiyong knows things, he’s upset about the stupid plotting because the stupid kid doesn’t feel like he can follow his stupid passion and is missing his stupid family, he’s upset by Guangyan’s very soft hands that keep wrapping around Yiyong’s arm (annoying, clingy, he makes no move to stop him) during sad moments. So that’s why if he cries a little, it’s because he’s upset about those things.

3.) Yiyong’s mom and Guangyan’s dad have a “what the shit are the kids up to” drinks session a few nights a week. She’s convinced him to try her favorite beer. Neither of them really have many friends, but they have some very strange young people in common and a lot of silences in their lives where there used to be more people. One of their favorite drinking games involves the number of times the kids will text complaining something predictable about each other, or whether Chuying will send a vague, panicked text about something they are definitely not supposed to be up to.

4.) Guangyan has a terrible, terrible day. Everything goes wrong. He oversleeps by fifteen minutes, he gets two questions wrong (wrong???) on an exam, he drags his feet in dejection on the way to lab work and gets scolded for being “almost late,” and one of his classmates tells him he “doesn’t look great today.” In a fit of frustration at his own imperfections, he sends Chuying and Yiyong a rare introspective text wondering if he’s just the absolute most worthless, useless person ever. Chuying sends back about fifty inspirational Pinterest posts about how you’re ❤️special as you are❤️, and follows these up by threatening to come over and beat up whoever made him think this (he declines carefully). Yiyong says nothing in the chat, which he expected. But. He comes home and finds that Someone has drawn a picture for him, crumpled it up and thrown it through his window (based on the dirt on the outside, the toss failed several times). The drawing is rendered in sunset colors, and it’s of the teacups ride at the amusement park. It’s beautifully drawn, with careful detail down to the design on the teacup. In the forefront, two figures are whirling around in a teacup. One looks a little grumpy, the other one is alight with joy and shaded in with soft pastel. The caption simply reads, “The Most Worthless, Useless Day Ever.”

5.) The trio go on expeditions together—not just for cases now, but because Chuying saw a cool festival, or Guangyan needs people to come with him to this horrible networking event (and later regrets this deeply), or Yiyong gets that distant look in his eyes and needs to start walking. He likes that his people, his two people (and his high school friends, if he so chooses) will go somewhere, anywhere with him for no reason. Even just to sit on a bench somewhere. He thinks a lot on these walks. About how Chuying needs to stop second-guessing herself these days, because something hurts in his chest to see the mighty OnePer flicker with doubt; about how Guangyan always gets the same look in his eyes when he’s overworked himself and is about to fall asleep on Yiyong’s shoulder (he’s not entirely ready to examine why he always waits around on late study nights with anticipation for those moments); about how much he wishes he could have introduced them both to his dad and grandfather. He thinks about how his family is here and not-here, all still with him one way or another, and how he’s probably going to start drawing that comic again soon (after all, he did have that one reader, why not dream big?).

#whomst #oh no! here comes trouble

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