#this was. never this frustrated in my life LMAO

[samarecharm]

Rotation was so abhorrent im actually going to go to turf to cool down

#chattin #SO bad #never in my life have i wanted to smash my controller against my desk #this was. never this frustrated in my life LMAO #like how did that happen? last night was not this bad!!! #this is the ONLY map i cant get a badge on #hazard level 165% and we still lost oh my god #all the idiots are at this level #someone had 2 kills in three waves and 5 eggs put in #what the fuck are u even doing #what are u doing in the game #bc ur hands are NOT on the controller im sure #it doesnt help that this map is just impossible for some people #its the most demanding map wrt ‘u need to kill shit’ #and people who dont kill shit get steamrolled #how are u even at the same rank as me 😭😭😭 #i think also. people dont know how to use hydra #so while its like an insanely good weapon #no one knows how to make it work. so theyre just dead weight on tbe team until they swap out #to which i say. why are u playing the rotation if u cant use the weapon #to slight me specifically. to make me cry real tears. i know it.

[hood-ex]

Gonna pull an Alfred tomorrow morning.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #60

#well except not effective immediately alskdja i'll prob work until the end of the month #goddd i dread giving the resignation though. like the worst thing to have to do as a people pleaser #but if i don't do it now i'll be stuck here forever so peace out alfred job #thought you would be fun and instead you were hell lmao. well. the cleaning and running errands part i enjoyed #the childcare aspect... yikes #like i've literally never expressed so much anger and frustration in my entire life than i have since starting this job in january #when my reiki teacher placed her hand over my heart chakra--she was like whoa... yours is really blocked like cement #and i was like dude yeah i know my heart and throat chakras are fucked bc i'm a nanny #and my reiki teacher was like OHHHH shit no yeah you gotta quit that job #and i was like yeah tell me about it lmao

[fooltofancy]

had the longest, most honest conversation about belief with my dad today and on the one hand god is it exhausting because they've gone to such an insane place christianitywise, but also? the fuckin growth this man has gone through just to be able to have that conversation is so. it's not comforting, but god is it something to be able to have that conversation period without shouting and tears and just. walking away from it so unfulfilled every time.

#also. also! he fucking apologized for a lot of past things that i had resigned myself to him never acknowledging outside of my mom #she's apologized for him so many times but she knows that doesnt count and we all just. accept that. #but he did it! without prompting!!!!!!! #like very openly and honestly and without any accusation #and then we talked about my brother and why it's harder for them to have these conversations and he LISTENED #idk im stuck between so exhausted and frustrated because their worldview is just. so heartbreaking! #and also so proud because this man has not been able to acknowledge anything for twenty five years of my life #and he's listening and he's trying and it's so important #.... it's also probably because he believes his kids are going to hell. lmao. #but u know what i'll take it. #like. he wasn't a good dad. he wasn't and he's known it but instead of curling in on himself like his mom did and faking it he's trying #it's too late for a lot of things but it doesn't matter less for that #NOW. if we could get past the belief that the world is ending in less than ten years. that'd be neat.

[shima-draws]

I had a conversation with my mom about commissions--she’s of the opinion that you shouldn’t have to wait super long to get what you paid for. I’m the opposite; I think artists should be able to take as long as they need to finish a commission, and I’m totally cool with waiting for months even for them to get back to me. Surprisingly enough I’m very patient when it comes to commissioning other people lol. Maybe I just think that way bc I’m an artist myself so I totally get the struggle. (And I also take time with my comms too.) My mom is not an artist so she doesn’t really grasp the amount of time and effort it takes, so she expects results immediately. Which like. I get that too? I dunno. What do you all think? Are you the kind of patient person who’s totally chill with an artist taking months to finish your commission? Or do you want it to be done within a reasonable amount of time, like 2-3 weeks?

#IDK she said that and now I'm stressing about it. LMAO #I put it in my TOS that yeah it'll take me a bit. Bc well. Real life happens #And sometimes it's hard to sit down and pump out art you know? #But some people don't understand that. Some people want what they paid for right away #WHICH IS FAIR. I'm not saying that's unreasonable #Scratches my head idk my anxiety's already high today so I'm worrying about this too now. Nfamkdasmdsa #Anyway to all my commissioners who have waited months for me to finish theirs: You have the patience of a saint. #And I appreciate you so so so much. #Especially to that one person who's waited for SO long now. I swear to god I'm going to finish it this week #There's definitely a line to be drawn with how long people are willing to wait #AND SAD AS IT IS TO SAY. I've crossed that line before. #Keeping a consistent schedule with life and art for fun and commissions is difficult for sure 😤 #IT'S A BALANCE. It's really a balance! #Shima speaks #Actually the biggest thing for me. Is I want to put the effort in #I don't want to half ass it. I want it to look GOOD #So I never try to force myself to do comms. Bc that's not fair to me or the person who commissioned #They deserve my best effort and my best work!! #The issue is that I'm not always in that headspace to tackle comms and put in the work that's needed #IT'S FRUSTRATING.....but I'd rather make people wait for something I put time and effort into #Rather than something half-assed. You know?? #So that's a big part of it too;; why people have to wait a bit sometimes #Rubs my temples #I'm probably overthinking this WAY too much lol. Sorry it's been a stressful day

[manasurge]

.

#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity #am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about #i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy #why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies #this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most #i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out #it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself #i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk #also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it- #- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop #i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me #not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE #no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me. #not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse #but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about #-everything lmao #stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse #delete later probably idk lmao

[stillcominback]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙻, 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙳𝙸𝙲𝚃'𝚂 𝙸𝙽: as a lot of you may know by know [ if you've caught any of my previous posts about it ], i'm moving with my parents back to california from texas -- where i've been for about 30 years -- because overall? it'll be good for me. i'm sick of texas for the most part, i literally can't afford to live on my own [ and honestly? i like being near my parents and would just have more security and better quality of life in CA ], and i just think sometimes a change is good!

i've been waiting to see if my job will let me keep my job [ and continue to pay me dirt, even! ] ... all i was asking is that i can live in california and work remote. well, the owner has decided he will not allow me to do that. is there a good reason? in my opinion: no. he's framing it [ in his conservative white man rich business owner brain ] that I'M the one making the choice to move because i could apparently just as easily stay in texas and get my own place etc etc etc. so it's on me! unfortunately, it's just not that simple, but i guess from a guy who runs a family business and has multiple homes, it's just hard to really grasp that concept.

i'm literally so furious and so heartbroken at the same time. i know it's not the best company, and yeah i guess, we can say this is for the best in the end? but that doesn't make it hurt less. i've been there for almost 11 fucking years. my ENTIRE career out of college. through ups and downs, i was always working my ass off and being a great employee ... shining reviews and reputation with literally everyone. it just hurts that that ultimately means nothing when i'm finally asking for something in return. i take the poverty wages, take the working in the office when i hate it for the most part, i've taken having to hear misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, every-phobic thing over the years ... then i ask for ONE thing in 11 years [ that's literally not even a big ask ] and it's a ✨no✨.

i feel so lost. like i don't even know how to be without this job, and as much as people tell me YOU'RE SO TALENTED! YOU'RE SO GREAT! YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING SOOOO MUCH BETTER! i wanna believe it, but my brain just ... doesn't. maybe it's imposter syndrome or just how fucking down on myself i feel right now. i still appreciate it because i literally don't know what i would do without my friends and family's support right now like ... even if i can't see it for myself, it means the literal world to me.

plus sides [ i guess ]: i should be able to keep my laptop [ but i'll lose adobe cc so ... i may need some recs or help on how to at least get photoshop cause idk how i'll carry on without it lmao ]; my manager who is a literal saint and one of the best people i know [ she actually pissed the owner off going to the mat for me lmao "he doesn't like to be questioned" ... insert the biggest eye-roll of my life ] ... but she said she would help me with literally everything from linkedin to my resume to a portfolio, and i know that'll be like everything to me while i just .... try to navigate all of this ON TOP OF trying to move.

ALSO: i think i can work until i leave, if that's what i want to do ... i'm still trying to figure all of this out because honestly? even though it's not much? i need the money. but then i'm also like i don't wanna do the owner any favors by having me work while they maybe start putting out feelers to replace me, yknow? BUT THEN AGAIN, i'm hurting my boss more than him [ and that's the twisted, frustrated thing about all of this ... it hurts us way more than it does anything to him but he still gets to make the choice for us ]. SO! i dunno! i may just use all my PTO and see how far that gets me lmao but i feel like at the end of the day, i have to look out for myself and maybe just trying to pull in as many paychecks as i can [ since we also don't have a hard 'we're moving!' date at the moment ] is the best idea ... even if the idea of going into the office and acting normal like literally makes me so ... 😤 but i dunno! my brain is a mess! afjhksdfda

SO YEAH. i just wanted to update you guys because i do consider you friends. whether we talk a little or a lot, i appreciate all of you so much and just wanted to keep folks in the loop with where my life and my head's at right now. not the best but ... just trying to keep it moving. honestly nooooo clue when writing is gonna happen here again??? i do miss / enjoy the distraction of plotting and talking about all this stuff so don't be shy, i just don't know when i'll have the time or capacity to just write here [ maybe once we move and stuff settles a little bit? ] -- but yeah, in the meantime, please come chat with me, let's plot dynamics and all that shit because it still makes me so happy and lets me take my mind on a little vacation lmao love you all, truly! ❤️

#** reblogging on some of my blogs to pass it around but! applies across the board: you can find most of my blogs in my pinned post here! ** #been on and off crying since like 4PM yesterday so it's been a ride lemme tell ya! #nothing like feeling like you wasted over a decade of your life at a job that never really cared about you #like MY boss does but stupidly she doesn't get to make all the decisions for HER own team #even though the owner is barely present and doesn't really know anything about us or the day to day so ... very cool of him #to make big decisions that can hurt a lot of people (and don't affect him one bit either way) #he just really doesn't seem to give a shit at all that it makes our lives so much harder for NO reason #it's just that he literally doesn't “like” remote working and doesn't want to set some kind of company-wide precedent #even tho i'm like moving isn't THAT easy lmao people aren't all just gonna mass exodus out my guy #(also we have a C-level employee who lives / works from new york but ... apparently that's SUUUUPER different because she lived there when #she was hired ........ *stares into camera*) #anyway!!! i'm just really frustrated and hurt and fucking terrified #and i appreciate literally anyone who bothered to read all this! lmao #i'll be around on mobile as per usual ❤️❤️❤️ #00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[myownpainintheass]

I love little miau miaus as much as the next person, but damnnnnn these emotionally constipated men need to put on some pants

#like bro #make an effort #i love them a lot but there is always a moment they start reminding me of my granfather #and it reminds me that every unhappy/resented/violent man started out as a little miau miau #(read: a person full of frustration pain and resentment that is going through shit and has no tools to cope/a victim of Things in any way) #sometimes getting better and improving one's life/situation is an act of love more for those who surround us (present and future) #than ourselves #AND ourselves of course #I will fight to be satisfied with my life and enjoy it as much as i can so that i will never become bitter and resentful #go to therapy guys #and be grateful for what you have #(why was this originally about kaz brekker lmao) #it is a gamechanger to notice you are not a victim #cause victims have no control #and we do #even if its just over our actions and perspectives

[tchaikovskaya]

I could/should elaborate when I’m not falling asleep as I am rn but like. I feel like for the people who you “mourn” who have died young and/or suddenly who you knew only in passing, or only casually interacted with, or were once close to but in the years between then and their death you barely spoke, etc etc etc, you arent actually mourning them or their presence in ur life (and now palpable absence) (supposedly) but just what it means to be a human on earth who has to grapple with inevitable loss and the immense weight of what a Person is and their footprint on everyone they interact with that is fleeting even tho there are several billions of us on the floating rock but none of those billions of lifetimes are ever overlapping 100%…. sigh :/

#context a student who graduated last semester (undergrad) died in a car crash like 500 miles away #and one of my fellow grad students/TAs and a few of his former profs are so upset about it and like……… #u barely knew this kid I mean of course I feel terrible that someone with his life ahead of him was snuffed out in the blink of an eye #but like…….. if u had never found out about this. or if this hadn’t happened and he went on to live a boring long life #he would mean next to nothing to u !!! u would be none the wiser! u would probz not even recognize his name in 10 years! why are u crying!!! #idk I would be less ANNOYED and hashtag BOTHERED by it if the same people didnt say such nasty derogatory shit about their undergrads #like every other time I talk to u about mundane news ur complaining about how ur students are all lazy untalented idiots #but now THIS ONE who was never meaningful to u before THIS GUY is SPECIAL to u…? u mourn him? #2 weeks ago if I showed u his student ID photo u would struggle to remember his name but NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING #NOW THAT HES GONE AND IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU #tldr if ur still reading lmao I feel like this stuff is always about yourself and almost never about the dead person #which is valid in its own way I mean I’ve literally cried after passing mangled cars and ambulances with people who defs aren’t gonna surviv #but it’s never been about their life’s overlap with mine and retconning some kind of memorable or emotional significance to it #idk why I’m so emotional about this in like 3 separate directions but it’s just so fucking frustrating !!!!!!! 🥲🤡

[rogueddie]

.

#y'all ever have to argue about something so insignificant #I have never felt so much frustration in my entire life lmao #getting a taxi would be better and easier for me. so I'm gonna get a taxi for an appointment thing next week. yes? makes sense? #I am being argued with. bc he doesn't want to get in a taxi. #my guy... don't come then #asdfdsa I'm losing my mind

[mattodore]

nearly two weeks later i've now officially finished writing and editing both of theo and matthias's questionnaires, have finished taking and editing both of their updated character pics, and am now putting together the actual posts for them

#river dipping #questionnaire lb #before you ask: no i didn't shave off any of theo's answers in fact i actually added a couple more sentences jkgfhkjf #matthias's is a little longer too but not by much #this honestly WOULD have been done yesterday if i hadn't went crazy in cas making the world's most MINISCULE changes to their sims #plus when i'm in cas something as simple as taking a new character pic for theo winds up taking three hours minimum... #LISTEN......... i don't know what happens i really don't i just black out i seriously should never look at mattodore in cas !!!! TRULY #...also then jerma went live streaming sorcery and i love watching him play it so i had to drop everything </3 #sawrryyyyy it's just that jerma is my silly little rabbit (your what?) my silly little rabbit (does he know you call him that?) no #..............anyway. i'm sure it'll take me like at least an hour to fix the formatting after i paste the answers into the new editor #...honestly might cave and read kmik if i get too frustrated lmao #seriously have been feeling actual pain trying to hold off on reading it like it's KILLING me.... my life force is draining away w/o dan

[kellystar321]

.

#aw man isat is getting complicated (by which i mean i reached two dead ends in act 3 and feel frustrated hfhgfh) #maybe i should just watch a playthrough. jace r. statlight is not a cool gamer and never will be </3 #i want to backtrack and get all the secrets and everything but im such a tired little guy with no time on his hands (<- siff voice lmao) #my sweet baby boy i worry for them extensively u-u #anyway i have finals and sht due soon. im really tired all the time. gotta wash the dishes tonight. #gotta do laundry tomorrow. finish my asl assignments. my papers are all due. #MY SHITASS UNCLE IS COMING OVER TOMORROW AGAIN I HOPE SOMETHING INEVITABLY DEVASTATING HAPPENS TO THAT MAN #urghhghh im so tired. wish life were a little easier. wish managing executive dysfunction was easier. #boygirl so tired all da time </3 #falls to da ground and languishes. #periodical life updates

[pussy-ache]

thinking about how my sister just got engaged at 27 to her first boyfriend ever and i just don’t have a good feeling about it

#i mean i’m not talking to her right now lmao. i did not even say congrats #but i’m still her older sister and i don’t believe she really has experienced enough of the world and of love itself to be tied down #at least in that way — technically speaking she’s already ‘’tied down’’ being in a long term committed relationship #but like. i know she thinks my mom had us when she was ‘’too old’’ #my mom had me at 35 and my sister at 38 #my sister criticizes my mother for that and has made comments throughout the years about how her friends mothers are all so much younger #meanwhile my mother lived an EXPANSIVE life in hers 20s and early 30s #she went out outward bound trips with hippy dippy granola eating fucks and camped out for months on end #she jumped out of planes and paraglided and rode motorcycles #she was a huge pothead and spent so much time at the beach studying tide pools and looking for horseshoe crabs #she even metal detected after storms to see if she could find unique lost beautiful jewelery and other items that were lost at sea #she was a PERSON and without those experiences would NOT have been our mother #i’ve explained this to my sister dozens of times over — your opinion of our moms age is based upon you not seeing her as a PERSON w/ a LIFE #and she does not care. she still believes my mom was ‘’too old’’ which is a ridiculous argument because having kids in your 30s is NOT. OLD #like even outside of my opinion of our moms life. my sister is literally just wrong across the board because 30s is NORMAL #she frustrates me to no end because our ‘’differences of opinion’’ are actually REALLY big differences like. stop dehumanizing our mom….? #so truly. honestly. this is just a big push to ‘’not end up like’’ our mom so she’s getting married earlier and will have kids earlier #now in my own right i don’t want to ‘’end up like’’ my mom either — ie in a marriage that is unfulfilling with a man who bosses her around #but the difference between her opinion of ‘’not ending up’’ like her is she blame MOM for everything #meanwhile in MY example i blame my father for being a piece of shit to our mother and vowed i would never be in that situation myself period #but that’s not putting blame on my mother. that’s me seeing my mother as a VICTIM of injustice and misogyny #meanwhile my sister just sees my moms decisions as a ‘’problem’’ to be ‘’fixed’’ #meanwhile i am consistently reminding myself that while my mother loves her children very much… #she inherently had to LOSE herself in order to have us and fashion a new version of herself - the ‘’mom’’ version to replace her real self #my sister doesn’t care to talk to our mom about the intricacies that come with all of this. i do. quite often actually. #my moms rule was that she was not getting married before 30. period. #the first thing i said when my mom told me my sister was engaged was #‘’i don’t even believe someone should get married period. but especially not before 30’’ #she agreed. because she TAUGHT us that! she TAUGHT us the importance of finding yourself before anything else #but my sister in her race to ‘’not be like’’ our mom is missing out on turning into a wonderful person for it?

[dandyshucks]

im gonna critique my own art real quick bc this is bugging me, I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID ??

COMPARING THESE. at first i was like wrow the face looks so great. and then i did the arm (i genuinely dont know how i coloured the arm FSDJKL i remember putting down the base colour for it but i do not remember doing anything other than that and the final touches of the arm hair HELP ???) and suddenly the face looked flat and kind of like... well, the colours look murky and muted in comparison i think. like the colouring looks kind of bad on the face now.

the arm colouring is just so much richer and lively, and i TRIED to fix the face but fdjskl everything i was doing was just making it worse so i had to give up and just call it quits BUT ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY

the arm colouring is just so much better than the face and it's making me GRGRHRHH i wish i could figure out what i did bc im pretty sure i was using the same palette as the face?? so maybe I just coloured it in with a different technique?

MAYBE the underpainting had smth to do with it actually, bc i originally had the sleeve base colour there (a very dark purple) but then decided to do his short sleeved hoodie so i went over that with the arm base and i had colour mixing set to 100 the entire time i worked on this bc im a fiend fdsjkl

also something sort of funny is that I used the same palette for both skin tones (like I used all the colours of the palette for both of them, just in differing ways), I think I have somehow accidentally achieved a pretty good skin tone palette even though like four of the colours I had added to my palette for reasons that have nothing to do with colouring in skin (i.e. for linework or as a background flat colour for sketching)

here i arranged them all nice bc i realized i'd been using all of these for skin tones

(i'm going to keep working on the palette though because I think there are definitely things missing and things that could be changed! but tbh i rarely even use the palette feature, this was just kind of a happy accident when i noticed "oh i have some colours up there from previous things that i could use for this maybe")

#once again i'd like to say i have no idea what im doing and i have literally zero formal training/teaching/etc HFDSJKL #everything im doing is just things that i figured out myself either by accident or thru observing other artists/observing real life #or sometimes thru seeing a written/drawn tutorial somewhere by another artist fdsjkl #so if i say shit that makes no sense then ... well u know why now HFDJKFL i never know what im talking about LMAO #but yeah this is bugging me fdsjkl its my biggest frustration with that piece RRGHGHH i wish i'd been able to fix it but i just could not #maybe one day i'll return to it and try fixing it again dsjfkl #dandy.cmd

[nomaishuttle]

i do fr need to work on differentiating between "actually middleclass" and "doesnt live paycheck to paycheck" lmao bc that is something i struggle with... obviously ik i have more in common with like. even somebody whos fr middleclass disney vacations every year. I know i have more in common with them than i do with bezos but god at least i dont have to see bezos being annoying in front of me every day KJANDJKLNLJD

#bc its like this. i obviously have way more contempt for a billionaire. obviously. but ive never met an actual billionaire yfm. and i Have #met middleclass ppl and A lot not all but a lot. are so insufferable and ikkkk not all of them or whatever but like. i constantly got shit #for being poor from middle class kids and like. ik im supposed to be class solidarity with them bc were all poor when compared to a #billionaire but goddd fucking damn they make it difficult . ik its like well the upperclass Wants the lowerclass and middleclass to be at #eachothers throats bc it means they dont pay attention to the upperclass walking over the both of them. i knowwww. but i can multitask #major in hating rich people minor in hating the middleclass... #THIS ISNT RLY RELATEDFTO THE LAST POST AT ALL i just have a lot of like. complicated feelings abt classism basicallyy. #like. i wouldnt wish poverty on anybody it fucking sucks. but as a kid i did sometimes fantasize abt swapping lives with my classmates who #had more money than me Not even bc i wanted to live their life but just so they would like. see the apartments i lived in and see the room #i shared with both of my siblings (weeman didnt exist yet lmao) and just like. look in the fridge. bc i just rly wanted ppl to get it lol.. #there was this one assignment that was like. wants vs needs and ppl kept putting needs as like. A big backyard. vacation once a year. my ow #personal bedroom etc and ik they were kids but it was like. insanely frustrating to have these kids who had like. never had to live without #Wants. yk. bc then i would just write down like. food. shelter. water. thats it lmao i even had clothes as a want instead of a need. and #they were making fun of me bc my list was so short and its like . look man i have gone without these three things on multiple occasions. yk #and now i try to be like. its good that there are ppl who have never experienced that i dont want ppl to have to experience that especially #like. that was in 4th grade lol. i was 9. i shouldnt have been worrying abt bills and stuff and none of my classmates knew anything abt tha #and thats a Good thing they shouldnt have. but theres this selfish part of me that wishes they did KANDJNS bc its so insanely isolating to #have ppl like. interrogating you abt why your shoes are so worndown or why your winter jacket is too small yk. and you cant say 'my family #cant afford better/new ones' bc they dont even understand what money is. yk. IDK. im just very sensitive abt these kinds of things KANDNW.. #perhaps a bit too oversensitive at times but yk. im working on it and im working on not being spiteful abt it bc like. yes it was isolating #but it was a good thing that the kids didnt relate to it yk. kids shouldnt relate to that and i shouldnt have felt that way bc no kid shoul #im also Ik i bring it up constantly but im still so mad abt that time my friends heard me say Yeah i have to go to court against my dad nex #wednesday . and they didnt say anything and then one of them went Ughhh my dad wont buy me the newest iphone hes buying me the newest #samsung instead But i have an iphone app that i spent 50 dollars on that wont transfer !!!!!! and then she endedup getting the iphone #anyways. sry ikk its grudge and i need to let it go but im still peeved... brinn there are people that are dying . #and also now i know that like. a lot of the other kids in my class Did understand and were just like. posturing. yk. a few of those kids #were from the same neighborhood as me lmao i was just too autistic to realize we werent supposed to be honest 💀 but yes. sry for this like #manifesto i am just thinking out loud..... well not bc this is text famously a written form of communication but we all understand. anyways

[irritablepoe]

one thing about me is that i'll freeze to death when angry. like i'm shaking and not from anger, it's just that i get so cold

#johnny's silly rambles #surely this is normal right? #or is it the lonely having a grip on me and making this all dramatic like “there's not warmth in my life *faints dramatically*” #but i mean am i wrong??? #lmao why use a tma ref but i've been thinking about this a lot recently but ANYWAYS #i hate being angry :( #i'm meant to be pet.. #he's not answering now too. ofc. he probably doesn't even know what he did wrong... #fuck off dude. i was angry at him before for pressuring me to do things i don't want (like using tinder or sth which... wouldn't make- #-much sense to me... if you were listening to me??? maybe??????? but he never listens.) but now it's just- argh i want to punch him #yeah another #vent #sorryyyy but i can't let this out anywhere else #if you're reading all this ily <33 #and dw i'm gonna be fine #just so frustrating to deal with all of them nowadays