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fandom-space-princess · 3 years

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fic writer interview

tagged by @sinaesthete - thanks boo 💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

18. Somehow. I only started posting them in January, which means I've been averaging more than 2 per month?! Granted, most of them are one-shots, but still. Bonkers.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

79,889. I have contributed one novel's worth of questionable fandom content to the greater ecosystem. Joy unbounded.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

The only fics I've published where anyone else could see them (or finished, for that matter) are for Supernatural. Others exist. I may even dredge them out into the light one day. Especially the Dragon Age ones, when DA4 comes out and inflicts some inevitable violence upon my poor little heart.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In descending order:

- Wayward Family: (T, 31589 words/26 chapters) Sitcomnatural, aka Seven Fools In A Bunker AU. Stream-of-consciousness first drafts from the beginning of the year, when I was starting to catch up on the show again after having dipped out sometime around season 6-7ish originally. I honestly expected zero readership for this, and was pleasantly surprised that so many people responded so well to it. Because I was definitely still knocking the dust off my writing skills at that point, lol. Maybe one day I'll go back to it and make it better - there's definitely stuff I'd do differently next time around.

- Some Live Like Orpheus: (T, 6193 words/1 chapter) Adam rescues Michael from the Empty, featuring Adam as Orpheus and Michael as Eurydice, with special appearances from Jack and the Shadow. The first thing I wrote that I was really, genuinely pleased with myself over.

- Vox Celeste: (E, 1909 words/1 chapter) Midam smut. PWP, in fact. Lyrical, pretty smut (or at least, that's what I was going for), but all the same.

- The First Day of the Rest of Your Afterlife: (T, 4558 words/1 chapter) Sequel to 'Orpheus'. Michael and Adam having their happily-ever-after together. This might be the most utterly self-indulgent fluff I have written. I love it.

- Two Weddings and an Engagement: (T, 7812 words/1 chapter) Written for the tumblr Midam wedding day. The Love Is Requited, They're Just Idiots - truly the most trope of all time. Featuring background sabrileena, because I am a joyful polyamorous disaster bisexual and I think they should all get to be, too.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Uh. To my great shame, I mostly don't. I always want to - the fact that people take time to comment on my writing is not lost on me as an act of love involving effort, and I can't express how much it means to me. I read and cherish every single comment I get. But interacting on AO3 takes a lot of spoons for me for some reason - and usually I just. Don't have it in me.

I'm working on it.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't write much angst, because I am first and foremost a cinnamon roll in need of fluff and comfort. But it does happen occasionally. I think the angstiest fic is Reliquary - more of a ficlet, really, since it's only about 600 words. But they're 600 words of Major Character Death, and I made myself cry writing it, so probably that one.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Nah. Not really my jam.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No direct hate! The closest I've gotten was someone getting rude about characterization, which was more funny than anything else. What a strange thing to pick a fight over.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Quite happily, yes. I find physical intimacy to be very fulfilling, personally, and writing about my characters having those experiences themselves is fun.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge...?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also not that I'm aware of.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not. I kind of suspect I'd be a nightmare to co-write anything with. My writing brain works when it wants to work, not when I want it to work necessarily. And I have no way of predicting when that will be.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I have a terrible time choosing favorites of anything, so I aggressively multiship. That said, in spn? Michael/Adam. Very closely followed by (exclusively S5 & earlier) Lucifer/Sam.

Outside of Supernatural, it's kind of a tossup. Probably the DA2 OT5 polycule (Hawke/Anders/Fenris/Isabela/Merrill). I'm aware this is a ship for insane people; I will not be accepting criticism at this time 💀

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

As of now, I actually plan to finish all my current WIPs! Pyrphoros was in very real danger of ending up in WIP purgatory for a while, but fortunately or unfortunately for everyone involved, Sin read the first chapter and gave me a pile of compliments. So now I am honor-bound to finish it (<creature brain> Friend liked fic must write more fic must please the Friend </creature brain>). It's getting worked on, bit by bit around my other projects, but still. It's happening.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm decent at getting emotions across? I'm also good at vivid visualization - in my head, I can usually see very clearly what I'm trying to describe, and I feel like that's helpful in getting it down effectively. Beyond that, I'm honestly not sure what you'd call my strengths.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I have close to zero control over when I'll have both time and motivation to write. Some of that is just the reality of balancing a more-than-full-time job with my hobby. Some of it is the executive dysfunction. But it does mean that when I'll finish anything can be... unpredictable.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I can't do it, and I don't love reading it. If I have to go looking for a translation somewhere in the notes, it wrecks my immersion in the story. No shade to people who do enjoy it; languages are gorgeous, and translations are imperfect at the best of times. Often the language something is written in is inseparable from the tone and cultural context it is meant to convey. But if given the choice, I don't seek it out.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Like I said, Supernatural is the only fandom with anything published. I think the first fandom I ever actually created anything for was Buffy. (Is that cringe? Yes. But consider: I live free of the shackles of shame. I am cringe, and I am happy).

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably one of the mini Midam week ones from earlier this year. Tie between Radio Silence and Every Day's Most Quiet Need, both of which turned out much better than I expected.

Not tagging anybody this time because my brain is currently scrambled eggs, although if anyone wants to do this please consider yourself tagged and feel free!

#long post #thanks for the tag this was fun!#tag game #fsp speaks

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im-da-bronx · 4 years

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Executive dysfunction life hacks, loopholes, and shortcuts

By me, your local adhd disaster

Some of these I am currently not doing but that’s more of a funds and location situation b/c I’m living with my parents

Get one of those roomba vacuums that plugs into a station. That way you only need to empty it once a month, and you don’t have to worry about remembering to vacuum.

Get one of those air filtering systems. I’ve heard that they suck the dust out of the air (less cleaning, yay!!) and it’s supposed to be really good for people with allergies and asthma. These, too, only need to be emptied once a month or so.

PAPER PLATES. PAPER PLATES EVERYWHERE. You WILL thank me, when you don’t have a pile of dirty dishes piled up in the sink. Yes, have regular dishes, but save those for special occasions, and use paper plates and disposable cutlery for everyday.

If you can, set up your bills to be paid automatically, top priority, every month. That way you don’t have to worry about forgetting to pay them, and you don’t have to worry about not having enough money, because you pay them FIRST, and then use the rest for other expenses. (Is it obvious I have no clue how banking works?)

Keep a wastebasket in your room. That way you can throw out all of the food wrappers without having to trek all the way to the kitchen/bathroom/wherever, and having a trash free bedroom is a must.

Try to do your laundry once a week, because if you’re anything like me, you’ll have only gone through three or four outfits, and it’s way easier and less time consuming/stressful/requires less spoons to fold three shirts, two pants, and six pairs of socks than folding a months worth of clothes.

NO DUMPING LOCATIONS. Try to not have a beanbag chair/steamer trunk/desk/whatever in your bedroom, because you WILL want to dump your laundry and assorted things there to deal with later. DO NOT. I do not have one, but I want to get a desk for my bedroom, and I will be getting a slanted drafting desk, because if it’s flat, I WILL dump things there.

Avoid over-complicated neurotypical organizers. If you’re not going to hang up your shoes every time, then just get a big bucket to dump them in. You will not be tempted to dump not-shoes into your shoe bucket, because shoes are gross and dirty and you don’t want your things dirty. **This comes with the caveat that you might wear the same two pairs of shoes over and over again, simply because you can’t see your other shoes.**

If you take medication every morning, put your Flintstones vitamins (or equivalent) right next to your medication so that you don’t forget to take it. I know that I forget to take my vitamins, and it’s really not good because I’m borderline anemic, and I’m not getting enough iron.

On that note, DRINK WATER. I will forget to drink water, so I try to make it fun. I’ll drink out of a dollar tree chalice, or a pirate’s rum bottle, or I’ll take shots or smth. If you can’t make yourself drink water b/c of the taste or smth (which happens), try to drink Gatorade or other flavored electrolyte juices (my go-to is fruit punch Gatorade, which is great until you brush your teeth and think you’re bleeding)

If you rely on packaged snacks to eat, try to buy healthier snacks, such as granola bars, trail mix, fruit cups, etc., b/c they’ll have nutrients that you need, and b/c sometimes the flavor mix up from ‘sugary junk food’ to ‘salty trail mix’ or whatever can be satisfying to those of us who get bored with repeating things. You don’t need to completely cut out junk food, b/c any food is better than none, but it will make you feel better if you’re in the mindset of, “I’m gross, I don’t eat healthy, I don’t work out,” b/c then you’ll be like, “wait, I ate a fruit cup today! Fruit is healthy!” And fruit is tasty and has water and vitamins.

Facial wipes. Sometimes (most of the time) I’m in a rush to leave or I just don’t have the energy to pull out the face scrub and completely wash my face, so facial wipes are a must. The ones I get act as a cleanser and makeup remover, and they don’t require rinsing afterwards (though I prefer to rinse my face if I can). These are great, because if you’re self concious of acne or oily skin, but can’t bring yourself to completely wash your face, these will make you feel fresh and clean.

Wide toothed combs for my friends with crazy curly hair. When I had mono (AVOID AT ALL COSTS) I would roll out of bed (often already partially in my uniform) brush my teeth, and use one of these on my hair. It was a huge change from before, when I would take a shower every single morning, and spend at least ten minutes on my hair and appearance every day. The trick with these (to not brush your curls out completely, but also avoid tangles and rats nests) is to start from the bottom with DRY hair, then wet your hands and run your fingers through, dampening the curls enough to re-clump and re-curl them, without making your hair dripping wet.

If you have to/like to wear makeup, but don’t like that it costs so many spoons, try to figure out why. My makeup routine used to take 30 minutes for just the basics, but recently I bought a kabuki brush (so soft!!) and it took 10 minutes to do my makeup. I then realized that my routine before consisted of 50% makeup application, and 50% washing my hands a million times b/c I had a super small sponge applicator and I’d use my fingers a lot.

If you have hobbies that require a bunch of supplies, but organizing them is a pain, get a giant plastic tub and dump everything in there. That way you don’t have to worry about “my paints are over here, but my canvases are over there” because giant tubs can fit a lot. I recently did this with my knitting and crocheting stuff, and it’s great, because while, yes, I really liked the baskets I had them in before (pretty woven reed ones), they weren’t conducive to stacking, and I had so much yarn that it would fall out and roll everywhere.

If you have trouble getting out of bed, try sleeping with a pet. When my dog would sleep with me, I’d have to get up to let her out in the morning, which was a mental “hey, be aware, you have to get up soon” when I went back to bed. DO NOT RELY ON THIS METHOD, use it as more of a guide/reminder, unless you have a specially trained service pet.

Try feeding your pets treats at the same time every day, coinciding with your ideal mealtimes. That way, they know it’s time for them to eat, and they’ll remind you, and you’ll remember to eat. **this also works with children, in that they’ll make you make them food, and you’ll be reminded to eat**

Slippers are great for of your feet get cold easily/you don’t like dirty feet/you don’t have the energy to put on shoes. Be aware, though, that if you don’t like dirty feet, or if your feet get really cold, you should wear socks with your slippers, because if you don’t, your feet will get really sweaty (gross) and then, b/c your feet are damp (ew) they’ll get EVEN COLDER (no)

Lists are good. If you’re like me, though, and you need about five separate lists (one for your daily routine, one for chores, one for your daily goals, one for your weekly goals, one for things you’d like to do eventually, one for ideas you want to look up, etc) get a day+week+month planner. If you’re like me, you won’t want to use a 2020 planner if you’re beginning it in July (b/c my brain is weird and doing that is just Not A Good Idea, though it isn’t Banned) so if you’re weird like me get one without any dates in it (or ambiguous dates, like the month and day, but not the year or specific week day) so you can start anytime, or plan ahead and get the yearly one in December.

Reward yourself!! If you know you did everything you’re supposed to in a week, buy a Frappuccino or an ice cream, something you don’t get very often. If you’ve been putting off watching that show, but you went for a walk two days this week, watch that episode! *try not to make the rewards too vague/far off or too close, because you either won’t do it because “I’m never gonna get one” or “why should I, it’s RIGHT THERE”

Put music on while you’re working/cleaning/etc. upbeat music will get you dancing, and hey you’re standing up, so you might as well take these shirts those three feet to the hamper.

Use the “fuck it” method (I’ll try it, and if it works, nice, if it doesn’t, fuck it, I gave it a shot.)

If all else fails, throw your phone away (social media is a huge distraction, I spent an hour writing this instead of doing other things)

Please feel free to add on to this!! I am always in need of finding new ways to do things, as I either forget, or realize there are too many steps to doing a thing, and my brain doesn’t like it.

#adhd #funny #relatable #executive dysfunction #adhd life hacks #neurodivergent life hacks #executive dysfunction life hacks #spoonie help #spoonie life hacks #here you go #im sorry its so long #i tried to make it funny and break up the text so it wasnt such a chore to read

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lhs3020b · 3 years

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The Wooden Spaceships, by Bob Shaw

The Wooden Spaceships is the sequel to the first Land/Overland novel, The Ragged Astronauts. It's set about a generation after the ptertha-driven migration from Land; civilisation on Overland is at least stable now, if not entirely-comfortable. Unfortunately "comfortable" isn't what Toller Maraquine is looking for in his older years. Apaprently he hasn't learned any lessons about getting what you wished for, because bad news arrives on Overland in the form of an airship from Land! That's right, apparently there are survivors on Land, and they're not very happy with their neighbours.

My thoughts are under the cut...

TWS is a bit of an odd book. It's really two main stories, somewhat awkwardly joined together. There's the plot with the attempted invasion by the New Men - briefly, the children of people who proved to be unusually-resistant to pterthacosis, who apparently are either immune or are tolerant enough to the disease that they've managed to live to adulthood. The New Men, sadly, have learnt nothing from their parents' folly and may actually be worse people; their survival seems to have convinced them that they represent a sort of superman who are destined to rule the universe. I suppose a more-sympathetic interpretation might be that they're the products of a collectively-traumatised society, and are dealing with said trauma by projecting all their negative feelings onto imagined enemies on Overland. That said, regardless of interpretation, their actions are not sympathetic and King Rassamarden is clearly a psychotic nutjob.

Also, it's worth noting that they are the New _Men_. While presumably New Women must exist, we never see any. This was an interesting ellision given that TWS is generally a step up relative to TRA for gender stuff. TWS is still quite bad, don't get me wrong, but there has been some improvement. Berise is a plot-relevant female character who actually gets to do stuff, the Kolcorronian king's key adviser is actually his wife Queen Dasseene and there has been some progress on the social front. The Air Corps has been opened to female applicants and it's implied that society as a whole has got a bit more equal. (That said, let's not go too far with this - this is still a society where an aristocrat can have innocent people executed on a whim, as we see with the Sergeant Gnapperl subplot, so Overland has a long way to go before it could be described as a genuinely-civilised society. It may have got a bit more egalitarian one way, but it's still a monarchical despotism ruled by the threat and fear of absolute force.)

Toller, of course, ends up involving himself neck-deep in the war with the New Men. This has the effect of cratering his marriage to Gessalla. In what is genuinely a moment of awesome from her, she tells him that while she's glad he's still alive, she's had quite enough of spending every day wondering whether today is the day she's going to have to bury her idiot husband's corpse. It's stressful and unpleasant, she's lost quite enough in her life already (literally including her homeworld!) and if he can't settle down and sort himself out, then they're through.

Toller, of course, can't deal with this. His marriage thus collapses, and that leads us onto the second part of the novel.

Incidentally, before we get to that, allow me one small tangent. We're halfway through the trilogy, and Toller has entirely forgotten his previous wife. After she disappears halfway through TRA he just - forgets? un-persons? has selective amnesia? goes into denial? refuses to take any responsibility for his own actions? - her entire existence. Toller, you were MARRIED to this woman! Seriously, what a cad! We never find out anything about what happened to Fera at any point in the series. Even in the third novel when a return to Land happens and Shaw could have tied the plot-thread off, but we get nothing.

(Since we never find a body, I've decided to invoke headcanon. Like Toller's father, Fera was one of the rare people who are entirely-immune to pterthacosis. As such she actually survived the implosion of Ro-Atabri and the end of civilisation on Land. After some confusion she eventually moved into an abandoned princeling's palace and has been living out her days in comfortable luxury; she spends her time either walking by the river or reading books - a hobby she recently developed - and occasionally she has been known to take lunch with some of the more pro-social New Men, so she's not entirely without society either. She mostly keeps away from them, having made a reasonable judgement of their character, but that said the odd social do can be refreshing. All considered it's not the worst situation she could have ended up in, and she's certainly managed better than virtually everyone else in Kolcorron. When the Overland exiles' return to the planet happens in "The Fugitive Worlds", Fera - still alive, though an old woman by then - sees the balloons and discovers that she simply has nothing to say to the people who abandoned her to her fate 50 years earlier. As such she decides to avoid them during their visit. In the abstract she supposes that it's nice that society has survived over on Overland, but really, neo-Kolcorron's antics are just Not Her Problem Anymore, so why even bother?)

The second part of the novel concerns a group of Overlander colonists who have recently arrived in a remote area of the planet, newly-opened to settlement. (One oddity of the novel is that for a planet whose population still must be less than a quarter of a million, nonetheless people are spread quite widely across Overland.) The area they've arrived in is fertile, has a pleasant climate and even pre-existing houses, built then abandoned by the last group of prospective colonists. You see, unfortunately, it appears to be haunted.

Bartan Drumme, the semi-leader of the group, is mainly there because he's trying to court his would-be bride Sondeweere. Amusingly, Sondeweere has his number and is quite-blatantly stringing him along, mainly to annoy her domineering uncle. Bartan is of course entirely-blind to this - honestly, Land and Overlander men all seem to run at a permanent +10 to Oblivious - and the "romance" proceeds in exactly the dysfunctional manner that you might imagine. Unfortunately, what would have been an amusingly-cringy romantic dark comedy gets interrupted when the new arrivals in the Egg Basket region start falling ill. Bad dreams, disturbed moods, sleepwalking, full-on psychotic breakdowns - all is not well in the Egg Basket. It quickly becomes apparent that the region is being influenced by some sort of external force. The sensible people leave; the less sensible people cling on and meet with various misfortunes.

(If there is one moral to the Land/Overland trilogy, it seems to be "if you see any hints of trouble, pack your bags and leave NOW, because things will only get worse, and don't expect the government to do anything even minimally-useful".)

Anyway things go from bad to worse, the Egg Basket's mini-society essentially collapses, and then Sondeweere gets abducted by aliens.

Yes, you did read that right. A spaceship turns up and hoovers her up. In context it's not quite as random as it sounds, but it is still quite random.

Anyway this leads Bartan to a decision that he wants to retrieve her from Farland, the third planet in the Land/Overland system. He teams up with Toller, who is now deep into the rebound stage following the implosion of his marriage. Along with Berise and some other acquaintances of Toller's, they construct a spacecraft capable of travelling outside of Land/Overland's mutual atmosphere and set off for Farland. Technically they're under commission from the King; honestly, I got the sense that the King and Queen have simply had enough of Toller's antics, and see this as a convenient way of getting rid of him.

Then reality ensues and they almost die, because nobody on the ship knows anything like as much about either outer space or basic Newtonian physics as they think they do. In fact it turns out no-one has any grasp about continuous acceleration, and they've been running a continuous halvell/pikon thruster-burn for entire days (somehow without running out of fuel, either - apparently the specific impulse on the pikon/halvell reaction is something insanely high?). By the time Sondeweere becomes aware of the ship's situation, it's running at over 100,000 miles per hour and is barely days away from reenacting the Chixculuub meteor on Farland.

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention - Sondeweere was abducted because her nervous system had become host to an alien parasite (the same one that was causing mass psychosis in the Egg Basket) and she now has superhuman intelligence and telepathic powers. And also, a far better grasp of modern physics than anyone aboard the titular wooden spaceship from Overland. Fortunately, Sondeweere is able to take charge of the situation and arranges something close-ish to a soft landing on Farland - the crew don't enjoy the experience, but they get to walk away from it, and that's about as good as it gets in aerospace incidents!

Anyway my review here is a bit forced, but that's because the last 40% of the novel also feels a bit forced. The pacing is off and the narrative makes some rapid jumps. Honestly TWS's problem is that it's actually not one novel but rather two separate novellas that have been welded together in a particularly-awkward manner. A lot of things aren't really followed up or tied off properly. The fact that Farland is inhabitable and also inhabited turns up quite late in the book and is dealt with in what I felt to be a bit of an unsatisfactory manner. I was also intrigued to find out that all three planets orbit within 42 million miles of their sun. Apparently the star must be some sort of K dwarf, I guess - no, in fact it may well even be a brighter M dwarf, because this is roughly the orbital radius of Mercury! This is odd because the sunlight is never described as being pink-ish. The only thing I can think of is that maybe nuclear fusion also behaves differently in Land/Overland-verse? Perhaps not only is Pi equal to 3 but perhaps smaller stars are hotter and brighter than they would be here? Or maybe everyone's so used to the pink sunlight that no-one thinks to remark on it at any point?

(Canonically they do fuse - in fact Sondeweere actually has a go at explaining nuclear fusion to Bartan and the others at one point, which was thoughtful of her, though sadly the Overlander males remain as obtuse as ever so the effort may have been wasted.)

Anyway overall, I think this book suffers from a bad case of "mid-trilogy syndrome". I'm glad that female characters are handled better here, and I was cheering for Gessalla when she told Toller to fuck off. The extra expansions to the universe were interesting, and it was also interesting to see the gradual consolidation of colonial life on Overland. Madcap as it was, the interplanetary voyage to Farland did have some "big-picture" excitement too. That said, however, the books minuses were continued dropped plot-threads from the previous novel, unevenness in pacing and perhaps also just having too many ideas in a small package.

#Bob Shaw #The Wooden Spaceships #Books 2021 #LHS reads

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i7scenarios · 5 years

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(1/?) Hello! Okay... whew. I’ll start by saying I had a really hard time typing this up and made an ordeal of it because I struggled to actually write anything positive about myself (which I think must be telling of my personality lol!). That being said, I’m really excited to see what you have to say. I apologise if it seems overly negative or if I didn’t give you much to work with despite how dang long this will be! ( I’m embarrassed about the length. I am SO sorry!) Okay here I go pfff 🙈

(2/?) I guess before I inevitably say anything heavy about my personality (pff) I will tell you about my hobbies. I don’t have many outside of playing i7 and watching anime to be honest (I’m probably super boring). I have a very obsessive personality and tend to spend long chunks of time with just a few hyperfixations and will be content with those same things occupying my time. (For example, I’ve been watching [Musical+Anime] Touken Ranbu for like... hours a day since June last year 🙈).

(3/?) I do love watching new anime as it airs though, especially because it’s something routine week to week and gives me something to look forward to or something I know will be there. Aside from that I do play a few video games (mainly animal crossing and harvest moon, but I also like persona 5, the BNHA game, and other rhythm games like hatsune miku). I love to sing very much, but I don’t think I’m good at all haha. I also love to create things when I have the energy or drive to do it.

(4/?) I’ve kinda lost motivation to do anything, but I used to loooove making AMVs and drawing and generally being artistic. At least now I still do artistic things like make funny/dramatic Instagram videos or occasional cosplay! I used to be an actress and dancer (though I was kicked out of hip hop because my movements were “too fluid” LOL so I stuck with ballet) and still enjoy dancing, but not... the professional way I used to lol.

(5/?) I had to quit because of compound injuries, and then I got real chubby haha. I think by now I must have lost all of my skill in both dance and theatre (I still very much have the theatrical and entertainment driven mindset, but I don’t think I could ever get on stage again.) I love to read as well... less books and more manga now though. I don’t often have energy to do it (I struggle really, really hard with executive dysfunction in both self care and hobbies ^^;)

(7/?) Tying in with that, I love to collect things! You know this probably because we’ve done box splits together before hehe, but I have a very treasured collection of goods that I recently got a glass case for. Decorating my home and displaying my figures (which I only this past year started collecting) or posters/straps/etc is something that really brings me joy, and I guess I do consider it a hobby. Does napping count because I’m also an expert napper! Hehe okay enough of hobbies I think.

(8/?) As for my personality.. I’m a very loyal person, although sometimes to a fault. I rely heavily on my intuition for everything, but mainly when it comes to people and determining the depth of relationships. I’m super contradictory to myself tho, so I will have no trouble cutting people from my life if I’ve decided I don’t need them anymore, but then I’ll have people that I allow to walk all over me or that I will allow to have a hold on me long after I’ve managed to get away from them.

(9/?) I know that I am a handful and people only have so much patience. I don’t want to force anyone to deal with me for very long. It really doesn’t matter how good someone is to me or how much they express unconditional love.. I can’t quite stop thinking that I’ll be abandoned sooner or later, and that affects every part of how I live. I struggle to allow myself to accept love and kindness because I don’t think I deserve it, and I don’t want to get used to it because it won’t last anyhow 😅

(10) All that being said, I guess I do crave affection and love... though I tend to be a bit of a tsundere about it. Okay I’m a massive tsundere unfortunately LOL I’ll just admit it. I’m afraid of it, but I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I’m very soft and easily hurt even though I try to be tough... I’ve experienced a lot of various abuse at the hands of men and my mother throughout my entire life, and I try to say that I’m immune to things by now, but I’m not 🙈

(11) I’m very much a crybaby and I probably always will be. (No really. I cry at the drop of a hat!) But yeah.. because of all that stuff, I find it difficult to speak to men sometimes, and I have mild touch-aversion especially with men (this is probably why I find so much comfort in seiyuu and 2D boys, but this isn’t a therapy session lololol). I DO like physical affection like hugs, but I’m a little slow to get used to it I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Ironically though, I do get lonely very easily.

(12) I like to be alone, but I also get incredibly sad quickly when I’m alone. I’m introverted and picky about who I can spend extended physical time with. My only close friends live rather far away from me, but as long as I can text or be on the phone with them I’m okay! So...I CAN enjoy physical alone time as long as I can still be in contact with loved ones even when we can’t be in the same room (if all that makes sense. I’m rambling).

(13) I’ll try to get my bad traits out of the way quickly and end with a couple positive things about myself.. ah I’m sorry. Let’s see.. I’m very easily annoyed. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of my mental illness or if it’s just a negative trait I have, but I’ve been like that as long as I can remember. I’m very picky and particular about most things, and if I feel out of control in a situation I WANT to control, I tend to snap and lash out.

I pair you with .....

Momo!

Momo is very sensitive to your past trauma, even if you have a hard time being physical with someone, Momo’s upbeat personality and nature are like a warm hug itself. The fact you were injured and had to stop dancing is something Momo can relate to. He struggled really hard when he got injured and his career in soccer was over. You understanding that pain means a lot to him. He is totally cool with you being an anime/game fangirl. After all, after his loss with soccer, he found Re:vale to fill that void and became a massive fanboy himself ^^. He loves to sing with you, helping you with lessons like how Yuki helped him. After all he struggled a lot when he started as well ^^ Momo is extremely loyal and is always thinking about others over himself. You can trust him fully, and know that he isn't going to go anywhere. He will always show you the brightest smile when he sees your face

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adhdbuzz · 4 years

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(Quick note - I have copied this over from my main blog - this is my content...)

ADHD, Neurodivergence, Identity…

I want to start blogging about some of my experiences with mental illness and neurodivergence. Two words, that before this year, I would never of used in relation to myself.

One of the most fascinating and somewhat crippling aspects of learning you are neurodivergent, is becoming so hyperaware of your thoughts, actions, personality, wondering what’s you and what’s your diagnosis, (or what you are imagining/projecting because of your diagnosis). I likely drive my friends mad talking or joking about it, but it’s hard to articulate the complete upheaval that learning this about yourself creates. Suddenly your entire history and personhood is re-defined. You have to change your narrative. I spent most of my teenagehood and childhood feeling removed/estranged from the people and world around me. More than feeling an ‘outcast,’ I felt myself an alien. I believed (and felt that others believed), that I was incredibly lazy and did not have the drive to puruse my passions and potential. This left such a hole in my heart and self-confidence. Imagine that you have this great love for something - or many things, but can’t even motivate yourself to take one single step toward it. You lose interest in every hobby you’ve ever taken up and you don’t understand why you can’t just do the thing. It seems easy for everyone else? What am I missing? So you compensate. Suddenly (and very briefly), you are really into note-taking and study blogs and watching countless hours of videos on how to get organised and ‘change your life’ and you imagine what kind of person you could become. Or you start every new year or semester with the goal to just stay on top of things, just remember, just write it down - everyone else does it? Why can’t you? Inevitably, that falls away.

What happens when you can’t maintain this? When suddenly those three assignments are due, you’ve dropped out of your class/hobby, you’ve missed another opportunity, avoided another goal and heard another person tell you, ‘you just need to get organised…’ ‘ you’ve got so much potential, you just need to apply yourself!’ “I don’t understand how you forgot/didn’t do the thing/didn’t write it down!”

I don’t think I can ever effectively describe the impact that this has had on me. There is something so devastating in not understanding there is something different about your brain during the really sensitive, formative years of your life. Because you end up spending so much time trying to work out why you are not like everyone else, why you struggle with things that most people find easy, why it is a constant battle to stay afloat, to have people angry with you/criticising you for something that you both feel should be in your control, but neurologically isn’t.

ADHD is so severly misunderstood. It’s invisible and it is crippling. The image of the little boy in class who can’t sit still or stop talking is such a prevalent and damaging stereotype. Before I got my diagnosis and before I even had looked into ADHD, I spent hours researching what could be wrong with me and doing online ‘tests’. These ranged from anxiety, to depression, Bipolar, PMDD and Personality Disorders, (strangely enough, ADHD often exists alongside other mental illnesses and I was diagnosed with co-morbidities…) But I think this gives a degree of context to what undiagnosed ADHD feels like, because it’s not someone who wont shut up, or sit still. To me it feels like everyone else got a manual on how to be a person and I didn’t. Often times, it’s the depressed, anxious, struggling teenager or young adult, who feels so inadequate, who feels like an alien, who can’t even trust their own passions or interests. Who is in a constant battle to meet the expectations of themselves and those around them. Who’s socially awkward or uncomfortable, who’s disocciated, who can’t follow a conversation, or instructions, who suffers in loud spaces, who struggles with small talk, strangers, shopping centres, keeping themselves and their space clean, uni work, school work, chores, family, friendships, relationships, their identity, their passions, there interests, their personality, regualating their emotions

ADHD is so exhausting, because it’s a constant battle to just meet the base line. Every thing you do from the moment you get up, til the moment you are asleep (and even then) is impacted by it.

Say you have an assignment, and a couple of chores to do on one day. Not a big deal right? Ok so you set an alarm for 8am, except your brain didn’t turn off until 4am the night before, so you get up at mid day, you go to put the washing in, but you forgot to turn on yesterdays load, so you do that first, you go to make a morning coffee, you check the time, it’s 12.30 - where did half an hour go? I just got up?! (Time-blindness). You make your coffee and drink it while checking social media, which sucks you in, because your dopamine depleted brain craves stimuli! You check the time, its 1pm, you tell yourself you’ll scroll for ten more minutes, and that ten minute excuse repeats a few times. It’s 1.30 and now your angry, because why didn’t you have the self control! (Hint: you have a disordered executive function). You put your mug on the sink, promising you’ll come back to it later. You go back to the laundry, you realise you forgot to turn the dryer on. You go to do your assignment, you clear your desk, open laptop, but now you don’t know where to start - you can’t naturally prioritise tasks, or break down the individual steps that need to be done in order to complete an assignment, you must do this with the ‘skills’ you have actively had to learn from a coach, internet etc. It’s like trying to bake a cake with no measuring cups, or recipe! So now you are looking at the assessment outline, and what you’ve worked on already, and trying to close last nights 200 tabs of hyperfixation. You read the outline 5 times without actually reading it, on the 6th you try really hard, you’re fidgeting in your chair, it’s an almost physical pain having to sit there and read it. Your eyes feel glazy, there’s too many words and they look like a big smudge on the page. You quickly check messages (dopamine hit), you come back to the outline. Its been half an hour, you still haven’t started. It’s about 2pm, you havent had lunch or breakfast. You go make a tea and come back. Maybe you need backround music? You spend another 20 minutes finding the right playlist, except its not right because it’s either too stimulating or not stimulating enough. You find another playlist, or you go down the rabbit whole of some movie soundtrack you’ve been meaning to look at. It’s 2.45. The washing! You go back and finally get yesterdays load in the dryer and start the load you meant to do today. Might as well make another tea now that I’m up. Might as well check Facebook now I’ve been interrupted. I’ll start at 3.30. 3.30 rolls around, your sibling gets home from school. Noise, talking, lunchbox rattling, bags being unpacked. Distraction. The noise is painful, your executive function (the impaired part of the ADHD brain) is also responsible for emotional regulation. Suddenly you are so fiercly angry at the noise being made in the rest of the house. It’s so over stimulating it feels like sandpaper on your brain and ears, you feel sick to your stomach with rage, you are crying, sobbing. All because people in the other room are talking. You lay on your bed trying to calm the overwhelm and increasing stress at not having done your assignment. It’s 4pm. Mum asks why you left your mug out, or didn’t do the dishes (you were too busy thinking about doing the washing!) She notes the machine still going and tells you that you wont have time to put it in the dryer tonight, you’ll have to do it tomorrow. But you need those clothes for tomorrow, you’re having breakfast with a friend. You’ll have to reschedule. You message your friend, and repeat the standard script “god I am so sorry, I’m such a mess, can we do later in the morning? I’ve got to do chores…” they can’t reschedule, you cancel. You sit back down with the assignment. You fidget. It feels like a physical pain to have to sit there and force yourself to do it. You’ll do it tomorrow. You pack up, and get ready for bed, removing the pile on your bed back to your desk. Your sheets are unmade, it’s uncomfortable and you feel agitated. You’ve forgotten to brush your teeth, or clean your face. You scroll online, or hyperfocus on a new hobby, project, idea, that wont interest you tomorrow, until 3am. You set your alarm for 8am…

This is just one small example and snapshot of ADHD and the impact of Executive Dysfunction. Here are a couple of examples/descriptions of how it feels from the ADHD subreddit.

“Schrodinger’s ADHD: Everything is interesting and boring at the same time. Every subject, every hobby.”

‘The Two ADHD Moods: I can’t do it / I can’t stop doing it. The two types of ADHD time: Now / Not Now The two ADHD memory modes: I literally can not recall the words that just came out of my mouth / I can recite the opening paragraph of every single magic tree house book.’

I also want to talk Neurodivergence, as this is another misconception when it comes to ADHD. In the way that Autism, Tourettes, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia are all forms of neurodivergence, so is ADHD. ADHD is not a behavoural issue, but a neurobiological developmental disorder. ADHD also has many overlapping traits with Autism, (not to be confused as the same, ADHD is not on the spectrum). These include, sensory overwhelm/sensitivity, memory issues, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, interrupting conversation/trouble waiting in turn, issues reading/recognising social cues, stimming, perseveration, (getting ‘stuck’ on or repeating a thought, topic or idea, even if the conversation has moved on), and avoidance/trouble with eye contact.

To be clear, ADHD is not on the spectrum, a distinguishing feature between these neurotypes is the cause of the symptom. For example someone with ADHD may not recognise social cues due to inattention/overwhelm/impulsivity, where as someone with autism may struggle to interpret these social cues.

It is important for ADHD to be recognised as a neurotype, and not a behavoural issue. When discussing ADHD traits with a neurotypical person, the response is often along the lines of ‘well everyone is a little distracted/unmotivated/lazy/forgetful/late sometimes.’ My response to that ‘Would you say that everyone is a bit ‘socially awkward/shy’ sometimes to an autistic person? Or ‘everyone has trouble reading sometimes’ to a dyslexic person?’ I imagine the answer would be no, as it is understood that these traits are a consistent, uncontrollable and debilitating.

The more I have learnt and read about ADHD in the context of neurodivergence, the more I have tried to recognise the ways I hide or detract from my symptoms, by ‘masking’. This has included, taking on certain personas or feeding someone elses assumption about me as ‘the messy one,’ ‘the disorganised one,’ ‘the chaotic one.’ In the past I have almost embraced these stereotypes about myself, as it gave me a sense of identity, a framework with which to see and understand myself. Frustration and anger masked over-stimulation/overwhelm, I was not able to recognise the root of these feelings and I also learnt to fidget/stim in the ‘right’ way. When engaging in small talk with someone I am unfamiliar with, I often resort to mimicing or imitating how I have seen other people interact, speak etc and I am conscious of eye contact, (too much, too little?). I catch myself looking at people/staring too much and am constantly trying to gauge what the right amount is, where else to look, etc. I struggle a lot with taking turns in convesation, as I don’t always know where to interject, or I worry I will forget the thought, this has led me to just stay silent instead in conversations and present myself as serious, or elusive.

That’s really all I have to say for today. I think overall ADHD is far more complex and challenging than it is perceived to be, and these stereotypes are so harmful to people who have it and are trying to navigate not only their symptoms, but a world that is not understanding nor knowledgeable of the limitations and struggles of ADHD or neurodivergence.

I have a lot more to say on all this and will try and write more about this going forward. DM/comment etc if you have any thoughts or criticism of anything I have said. Disclaimer, I am still learning and may make mistakes regarding information, or discussing other neurotypes !

Here are some links you might want to check out if you have/think you have ADHD or you have a friend or family member with ADHD. I also highly, highly recommend the ADHD subreddit!

ADHD explained simply:

https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/

“ADHD is a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.

“’Attention deficit’ is, some experts assert, a misleading name. “Attention deregulation” might be a more accurate description since most people with ADHD have more than enough attention — they just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.”

Comorbidities https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/comorbidities/ “The majority of adults with ADHD have a diagnosed or undiagnosed comorbid psychiatric disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.1-3“ ADHD and Autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/ “A growing number of genetic studies support the notion of at least some shared causation between autism and ADHD. But imaging studies comparing brain structures and connectivity have yielded a confusing mix of similarities and differences. And some behavioral research has highlighted the possibility that outwardly similar features mask distinct underlying mechanisms. Inattention in a person with autism, for example, might result from sensory overload, and apparent social problems in someone with ADHD may reflect impulsivity. Perseveration https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

“(Kids) who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way over and over again. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything. It’s like they’re stuck in a loop that they can’t get out of.”

ADHD and social skills https://chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/#:~:text=Social%20Skills%20in%20Adults%20with,their%20inattention%2C%20impulsivity%20and%20hyperactivity.

“Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by “playing grown-up” and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ADHD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize “something” is missing but are never quite sure what that “something” may be.”

ADHD and stimming https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/repetitive-behaviors-in-children-with-adhd-stimming-fidgeting-and-what-these-actions-may-mean/

“Many believe that stimming and fidgeting is reserved for those on the autism spectrum. However, it is now known that children with ADHD are just as likely to use repetitive body movements to self-stimulate. In fact, autistic stimming and non-autistic stimming are different. The main difference is that those with ADHD typically only use stimming for a short period of time while they are trying to concentrate. For example, someone with ADHD may stim for under an hour while those with autism will stim for several hours at a time. While stimming and fidgeting are typically seen as tapping or rocking, there are many other things that children with ADHD do to self-stimulate. There are actually five different variations of stimming, which include olfactory, vestibular, visual, tactile, and auditory.”

#adhd #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

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autpunk-blog · 7 years

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oops, i think i’m autistic

this is a text for people who have just realized, or are beginning to wonder that they might be autistic. i will try to give you some keywords and language to describe and understand your experiences.

this will not be about pursuing a diagnosis or getting external help. these can also be very important steps, but in this text i will only try to shed some light on experiences that are often silenced by the neurotypical mainstream.

autistic burnout

being autistic is as wonderful as it is hard.

the fact that you are just now considering that you might be autistic can mean that you are experiencing what we call autistic burnout. it can occur together with or independent from a classical burnout. autistic burnout often includes the loss of abilities and increased visibility of autistic traits.

the long text “help, i am getting more autistic” explains many things that can lead to showing more autistic traits, like increased outside expectations, stress from other sources, autistic burnout and others.

communication

being autistic means that we struggle with neurotypical communication, both verbal and nonverbal.

we may avoid eye contact, we may not be able to read faces. we may not be able to understand or use facial expressions, body language or tone of voice in the same way neurotypical people do.

many of us use scripts to make communication easier. that means we have specific words or sentences that we say in specific situations. like saying “good morning” to your coworkers, we might have a script for “what to say when people ask me how i am doing” or “how to explain my health problems to doctors” or “how to react when someone is feeling scared”. some of us come up with scripts on their own, others use phrases they have heard or read somewhere else (this is also called echolalia).

we may use autistic body language that is very different from neurotypical body language. we may react very differently to any stimuli. many of us laugh or smile when we are distressed. many of us move rapidly when we are happy. these are just some examples - we are all wonderfully different.

our social interactions are markedly different from non-autistic social interactions. many of us prefer to be direct and honest over hiding our points in words that mean something else. we often use parallel conversations were 2 or more people talk to each other, but everyone is talking about something completely different.

social difficulties

those of us who are usually verbal may experience “going nonverbal”, that means losing the ability to speak for an amount of time. many of us struggle at keeping up conversations, finding the right words in the right time and getting other people to understand us.

many of us have a hard time trying to understand concepts that are important to neurotypicals. this can include problems with understanding abstract words or lacking the ability to understand other people’s intentions.

many of us have prosopagnosia, that means being faceblind, which means we cannot remember and recognize faces.

many of us have alexithymia, that means we cannot identify and name our emotions, even though we feel them very clearly.

our social difficulties often makes us susceptible to manipulation and deception. when we try to understand and mimic social rules, we are not always successful.

sensory experiences

many of us have difficulties with sensory processing. we may get overwhelmed by loud noises or bright lights. touch may be very unpleasant or painful to us. we may have sensory hyper- or hyposensitivities. we might struggle to remember images or sounds. we might have trouble interpreting what we are seeing or hearing, even if we do not have vision or hearing impairments. (another keyword is “auditory processing disorder”.)

we might be very sensitive to taste and smell - or we might need intense tastes and smells to feel comfortable.

many of us experience synaesthesia, that means we associate different senses with each other. numbers may have colours, sounds may have shapes or feelings may have directions.

stimming

many of us crave controlled sensory input. the act of giving ourselves this controlled sensory stimulation is called stimming. stimming can be thousands of activities - it can be rocking, pacing, clapping, fidgeting, chewing, touching or looking at good things, there are acoustic stims, vestibular stims, taste and smell and pressure stims, the possibilities are endless! stimming is wonderful and natural.

thought organization

we seem to have a different kind of thought process than non-autistic people do, but there are huge differences between the ways autistic people think as well! some of us think mostly visually. others cannot think in images at all. some of us think in words or echolalia, others don’t use words in their mind. there’s an amazing variety in the ways our minds work.

many of us have executive dysfunction. it can be hard for us to do even simple tasks. we may have to re-learn the same thing over and over again. we may get overwhelmed by tasks that are too big for us. we may have trouble figuring out the single steps that make up a complex task. we may struggle with initiating tasks or switching tasks.

on the other hand, many of us experience hyperfocus, where we just sink into whatever we are doing, completely forgetting about the outside world for hours on end.

routines

one of the ways we deal with both sensory processing difficulties and executive functioning problems are routines. having routines means doing the same thing in the same way always, it means having a reliable reference and a frame that gives our lives shape.

familiar surroundings and reliable planning are important for many of us. we may plan ahead meticulously. many of us react very strongly to change in routines or plans. having things and surroundings stay the same can be very important for our functioning and wellbeing.

special interests

being autistic often also means having one or more special interests. special interests are things that we get very excited about. we collect information on our special interest, or we have the need to do it as much as possible. it’s more than just a hobby - it’s a special and wonderful hobby. we may have the same special interest for all our lives, or we may have many different special interests, each only lasting a few days. we may find ever new things or come back to old favourites or we might be simply too tired to have a special interest again.

emotions and empathy

some of us do not experience empathy at all, others are hyper-empathic, others experience it only partially. empathy has many different aspects: you can “feel what others feel”, you can try to “put yourself in their shoes” to imagine what you would feel in their situation, you can react to their emotions with your own emotional response. however, all of this requires you to read their emotional state first, which can be very hard for us.

one of the misconceptions about autism is that we are supposedly “emotionless”. the truth is, many of us are extremely sensitive. we can develop ptsd from experiences that others would not even classify as traumatic.

another myth is that we are unable to lie or understand irony and sarcasm at all. while it is true that we often struggle with detecting irony and sarcasm, most of us can still understand the concept and use it.

it is also untrue that we lack “theory of mind”. we are well aware that other people have different thoughts than we do, which is exactly the reason why it is hard for us to guess what other people may be thinking or feeling.

stress reactions

many of us respond to sensory overload, emotional overload, routine changes or other stress factors with shutdowns or meltdowns.

meltdowns are an explosive stress reaction that can range anywhere from “i am upset” to “i am endangering myself and/or others” or “i am destroying objects”. meltdowns can be internalised or externalised.

shutdowns is when we go silent and become very calm. we may freeze or drop on the floor. we may dissociate.

sensory overload, shutdowns and meltdowns can happen several times per day or once every couple of years. severity and frequency can change for any given person over the cause of their life.

there is no one way to be autistic

autism is just the way our brains are wired. we still have unique personalities.

we come in all shapes and sizes, in all genders and sexual orientations, we exist in all races and cultures. we don’t grow out of autism. we are autistic from before we are born and stay autistic for all our lives.

our autistic traits are also influenced by other neurodivergences. personality disorders, ptsd, adhd, ocd, schizophrenia, and everything else can influence the way we experience or display our autism.

it is important to recognize that there is no hierarchy between different “types” of autism. people who were diagnosed in childhood are not generally better or worse off than people who were never diagnosed. we experience different kinds of ableism: dehumanization and dismissiveness.

functioning labels - that is, labelling autistic people as “high functioning” or “low functioning” - harm everyone. they are being used to deny “high functioning” people the help they need and to deny “low functioning” people their independence and humanity.

while it is true that some of us need more support than others, this does not mean we “function” at a different level. this classification is based on ableist notions about what abilities a human being must have in order to be seen as fully human.

autistic people often have very asymmetric skill development. only very few of us have real splinter skills, but many of us are far better in some areas of competence than in others.

if it just so happens that the things we are bad at are the things required for everyday living, we may get labelled “low functioning” - regardless of what we are actually able to do.

autism is not a one dimensional condition. there are hundreds of things we can be very good or very bad at. some of us have intense sensory sensitivities, others have strong social difficulties, yet others cannot cope with the slightest change in their routine. some of us are very musical, others excel at maths and science, yet others prefer to play volleyball.

autistic culture and identity

autistic culture has been existing probably as long as any kind of human culture has, long before the term autism had been invented.

we have always been a part of society. with our contributions we enrich humanity. we are teachers, artists, engineers, nurses, cleaners, designers, professors, bus drivers, activists, politicians, parents, doctors or therapists. capitalism likes to exploit our special skills while at the same time refusing to meet our special needs.

we are friends, we are family members and neighbours, we care and we help and we work in our own ways. not everyone of us can work in a way that is rewarded financially.

while it is true that being autistic can be a severe disability, or that this anti-autistic society can be very disabling for us, many autistic communities are seeking to establish Autistic identity outside of pathologizing medical definitions.

#lhmod #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #long read #autistic culture #autistic identity #resources #functioning labels

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oagoeihhouuwip-blog · 7 years

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