#this is messy but idk everything that happened

[topaziraphale]

"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,

The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"

Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.

What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.

#derpy speaks #good omens #good omens 2 #no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry #he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away. #meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving #idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse'' #at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?'' #doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once #he deserves that self respect #do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose. #everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through #but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing #is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭 #but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story? #is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter? #someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it #not queued

[eternal-reverie]

got the posting anxiety bad tonight

#click clack #ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go #ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog #BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me #because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art #like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public #and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot #a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement… #so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury #the original posts I put here #but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication #my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵‍💫 #all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen #dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄 #anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍 #I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself #and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences #maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog… #I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔 #idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art #just a slow drip until they are in the forefront #bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º＿º ) #I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨 #or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out #I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad #post order compulsion???? #the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts… #if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃

[616nightcrawler]

its like. hard to express to people why i love US-comics so much and why i enjoy reading them without mentioning how much fun it is to be in the online communities and be able to like. discuss the themes and meaning and complain about weak writing and bad characterisation to other people that’s like literally half the fun. i LOVE reading comics all the time but its so much more fun when you can talk about it with other people for like superhero us comics. bc theyre such an alive genre that’s basically always moving so we all read our little comics over the week and then we get together and bitch about it in a little online book club. like. it’s the best

#the life and times of brows #ive come to see online friendships in a pretty negative light after some pretty shitty encounters over the years #and toxic friendgroups and messy relationships and immaturity and EVERYTHING under the sun to make you jaded #but idk i just experience comic book fans (in my circle on tumblr) as a very pleasant community wtih chill poeple #and like not to be autistic sometimes its just nice to have relationships that dont have huge stakes. like just be casual friends #or even just acquaintences #fuck that word btw #and talk about comics! #which i love! #its so nice i always want to talk comics online #i want to be 45 with idk. a snotty teenager who hates me. and still hop on the PC and go eeyyy did you guys see what happened to nightcrawle #and my shitty teen is like UGH PARENT (woke parenting) COMICS ARE LAME #and im like no child... #and then cats in the cradle starts playing #and i get like really into comics about wolverine where hes like #i have a teenaged child and i dont understand them! #which he does weirdly often. #maybe the writers are projecting #but that's a story for another post #anyways. #yeah i love comics #also specified US-comics bc i mean like. xmen mostly but the whole marveldc mush of people its just its own thing #im in the BD fandom too and its like. a totally different vibe but also only about 11 people so

[red-heart-sunglasses]

girl help I got told that people listen to me (in a "they don't listen to me, they listen to you" kind of way) I'm not usually quiet and that i have golden retriever energy in the past two days ive literally never been told any of this before what fucking fictional character do I project this onto

#and also a Big Birthday is coming up NEXT WEDNESDAY #and all of this stuff isnt stuff im upset about #its just wild how rapidly things are changing #well its not really thag they're changing rapidly #ive been growing for the past three years #if not more #i think its just that its all becoming real now #and its a bit scary #not as scary as i think it should feel though #idk #i normally write fanfic or poetry when i have Big Feelings like this #but the feelings aren't messy and loud enough to make poetry out of if that makes sense #so i would write fanfic but i dont have any characters this would work for yk #it just feels like everything is ending and also beginning #which i suppose always happens #and now im just aware enough to notice it for the first time #feelings r hard #rambles

[stinkbeck]

everyone who has ever been like consistently kind 2 me... u literally have no idea how much it's meant 2 me.

#like i've been so desperate my whole life for kindness. if u never asked me 2 call myself crazy or change my memories for you #u truly have no idea how much u have helped me lol #like just the evidence that someone out there could give a shit about me at all without me editing my memories or experiences #... sorting back through everything i'm able 2 call myself a person finally because there were moments where people didn't make #me change my memories for them so i was able 2 remember the truth of the experience and not just tuck it away as some #surreal thing that shouldn't have happened. like i was loved briefly anyway. even though everything was so messy there was a person #or two who still wanted to just be friends and laugh with me even in all my flaws and inability 2 act like my life made sense #like i wasn't singled out with them. i was just another friend. that's really special. and idk i haven't encountered it often.

[vilsoo]

I NEED INSPIRATION TO CONTINUE GOD’S WHORE ITS BEEN 2 YEARS AND I NEVER FINISHED 😭😭😭

#( ♥︎ ) — messy talk. #i hate myself sm for this #i had the WHOLE plot figured out… #EVERYTHING figured out #and YET #my lazy ass cannot write it!!!! #🙂🔫 #smh vera #i was sososo dedicated to this series #but idk what happened omfg #maybe when jjk season 2 gets animated and i see toji animated #i will be a changed woman #djehfhehd idk yall #im just upset #this story deserves to be finished #it has sm potential #hopefully one day

[kyojurotchi]

someone give me a reason to continue reading the cruel prince cause i am struggling to find one

#im a little after book one of the first book but idk does it get better #it’s fine as a story but it just gets too messy it seems #like i feel like there was no development for jude or cardan in the first book like ifenuinely can’t see them liking each other after #all the shit he put her through and the shot she’s going through #if i had a rap it would be called mars bars #literally no development for the characters that were going to die before the coronation so it wasn’t impactful when everything happened #vivi’s bestie literally died and she’s like ‘such is life’ BRO

[tobe-sogolden]

.

#hm #hmmmmmmmmm #you know what i was thinking #this probably sounds way too conspiratorial or maybe other people were thinking it and i missed it bc i was mia #but does anyone else think about how j**** already tried to sabotage d*d once #by serving her those papers and making all the news stories about that rather than the film #and then think about what happened over the last few weeks #bc i remember reading whichever interview she said she that whole farce wasn't surprising to her and she left that rs for a reason #and i remember thinking damn he's not gonna like that and thinking he was gonna make promo so messy #and honestly i forgot he existed until this weej #and i was like wow i was wrong he didn't even try to stir up drama during promo #and then i was like hm 🤔 or did he #like i truly tried to avoid everything that was being said so idk where it was coming from or what exactly went down #but from what i understand it was all anonymous sources no? #which to me like...given the way the general public was eating it up you'd think whoever it was would've revealed themselves for the clout #like everyone would've been on their side #UNLESS it was someone who knows that being caught shit talking and spreading rumors about her would not be flattering for their image #and i cant think of very many people that applies to tbh #just interesting that's all #again that might be a little too conspiracy leaning for me #and is probably the result of my ocd brain STILL ruminating over this shit bc it bugs me and i want someone to blame 🤭 #i wish i knew how people just let shit go bc my brain physically will not let me when it's something that bothers me so much #anyways ignore me i need to get back to studying

[virfujiwara]

MESSI & LANA DEL REY????

#I dreamt river invited messi to the new river camp that was in this once controversial place for rich ppl #On the socials it was all Lana and Messi posts #Like edits and graphics and also emotional posts from the players who were gonna train with messi idk #This happened while I was waiting for the orchestra and choir to show up to do this play that was like a steampunk space opera #Everything was insane in this dream #I woke up when someone was telling Lana about this over an interview #I hope this makes sense tomorrow lmao #The ones making the edits and stuff was the river plate official account BTW #And the music was playing on the place #I'm not even gonna talk much about the controversy that was somewhat fake #Because supposedly this sucked because it was in this lake or river idk that was overflowing with yachts & also something about an oil spil #And everyone was outraged and they didn't want the space orchestra to go because it was a coverup story by the government #Or whatever #Everything was trying to be boycotted basically #But if you went there or were a local you knew everyone was just full of shit #Because the ones boycotting were like porteños saying stuff about the rich or idk #But the place was like for regular ppl and it was a place known for ppl going there on the weekends or holidays #Like just regular ppl and fishermen #And “the oil spill” was all a hoax #And yes the big boat was from the government trying to juice this place up but no one there was complaining #Like idk free entertainment #And the space opera thing was so important also because it had been years since they had funding to put a show and it was their big comebac #And my mom's friend had ran it many years ago #I love it social media was insane and ooc and fake pictures #AND also Messi and Lana del Rey × River Plate Collab of the century #And some other famous person but idk who I'm gonna say Shakira but probably not #Virfu dorimo #Long post

[biillys]

thinking about max and her having dark thoughts about billy and living with the guilt of it all when the worst truly did happen to him. 

like it wasn’t her fault and it’s never gonna be her fault but that doesn’t mean it isn’t gonna weigh on her specifically, especially those nights when she can’t sleep or when she has to catch the bus to school instead of getting driven or when she has to make herself dinner becos her mum’s never home now. 

and there’s probably always gonna be a little voice inside her head telling her she got exactly what she wished for. 

that maybe if she was a better sister, maybe if she cared more, maybe if she had done literally anything differently - maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. maybe billy would’ve survived, maybe he would’ve never been dragged into the mess in the first place.

but none of that happened, and instead he’s dead, and barely anyone even remembers his name, let alone mentions it. 

but then also thinking about how billy probably had similar dark thoughts about max, not necessarily in that context, but like. 

sometimes, on the shitty days, when he was fucking over it; wishing that his dad would just have a go at her, the actual problem, instead of him.

that maybe, instead of pushing him around for bringing her home late - pushing her around instead for being the actual reason they were late. he’s not asking for a fucking hospital visit, but maybe just something to make her fucking understand. 

he knows life isn’t fair, and complaining about it will get him nowhere - but god, sometimes the way she can do no wrong and the way he can only do wrong makes him wanna scream.

and when it finally happens, when he finally comes home one day to a subdued max and a tense neil, he wants to feel relieved. wants to be happy that it's finally both of them getting the full neil treatment, not just him. but instead he just feels guilty, like absolute fucking shit.

he tries to get her to talk to him, to give him a clue on what went down, but she's having none of it. pairs the bruise on her cheek with a miserable mood but doesn't complain once. does the dishes without being told and puts the garbage out even though that's usually billy's job.

billy doesn't sleep that night all. loses his appetite every time he see's the mark on her face.

the 2nd time it happens, billy's there to witness it. doesn't even realise anythings about to happen til it's too late. didn't realise his dad, who's let max run wild with her friends since the second the got to hawkins, all of a sudden has a real stick up his ass about max going out with them. turns out, she didn't either; she completely brushes neil off and gets ready to walk out the door before neil's voice rings out, stopping her in her tracks. billy knows the tone well, it's rooted billy to the spot, paralysed with dread and anger, more times than he can count.

max is at least smart enough to turn around and listen, which billy considers a win. she doesn't fight back like billy thought she would. was worried she would. hoped she would. instead, she let's neil have his shitty dad monologue, before she goes to push past him to hide out in her room. neil grabs her by the arm before she can get far, asks her if she understands. makes sure she verbally repeats the words to him before he lets her go.

if billy wasn't such a shitty excuse of an older brother, he could've stopped that. could've stepped in between, gotten himself involved, protected her.

but there's a phantom pain across his face, and flashing memories of his mom yelling at neil to let him go, holding up some frozen peas to his nose, telling him to stop involving himself when his dad gets like this, to keep himself safe, save himself.

and he knows this isn't the same, that he's the oldest now, the one meant to protect; but his own protector fucking left, and his idea of being a hero is messed up, and max is a big fucking kid that doesn't need her battles fought for her. max should know by now to listen to neil the first time, instead of brushing him off.

billy walks away.

(he never gets a chance to step in the third time.)

#was thinkin bout this at like 3am the other night and was like ill totally remember that! i dont need to write it down now! #anyway by the time morning came i forgot where i went with it #so this isn't completely like. the vibe. #but whatever. #anyway basically its the way both of them were stuck in this messy excuse of a patchwork family #and both of them constantly saw each other at their worst #and therefore couldn't help but think of each other in the worst light #becos they couldnt be a team in that house! they never had that option!!! #it was every man for himself in that place!!! which is exactly how neil wanted it!!!! #and maybe if they both made it to their 20s!!! hell!! their 30s!!! maybe then they could look back #ans be like! hey! shit was truly fucked! everything about our childhood and teen years were fucked!!! #but billy will forever be stuck at the tender age of 18 #and max will have to continue to age and grow without him #and theyll never get a chance to grow and heal together. to know each others real feelings towards everything that happened #with an adult perspective and not just an angry hurt childs point of view. so. #shits fucked. #m #nqff #at its core it's about the fact that any chance they had was taken from them and theyll never get a chance again. #im sick of this in my drafts so have it even tho its. missing something. idk what but it is.

[grosstown]

every gay friend group got the leader singer bassist lead guitar drummer and keyboardist

#karan wants to have a band soooo badly but the rest of his friends are sooo messy everything blows up in his fsce constantly #ocs #art #karan banarjee #ejiro oyinuwi #qinghua opyemi-hou #marwa darwiche #kamari saunches #blu-rae rastoder #ejiro is also nigerian idk what happened to her flag ??

[inspectorlyfra]

something i never see talked about with religious trauma is the idea that somehow you deserve bad things, even if you haven’t done anything bad. if bad things are happening to you, clearly you either deserve them or you’re “being tested for your faith”. either way when you are suffering it is always turned into a moral judgement. even if it's other people hurting you it's always your fault somehow, or it's on you to be a good example. you’re never allowed to just hurt. you never get support that isn’t accompanied by a lecture.

and as you recover from that trauma you stop pushing it onto others if you ever did, but with yourself? it’s much harder to unlearn. when you hurt for any reason you find yourself wondering do i deserve this? what did i do wrong? without even realizing it.

#idk. just thinking i guess #i hate the concepts of karma and deserving things #sometimes people deserve things either positive or negative #but when you try to extend Deserving into everything #it gets so messy #life does not have morals! things will be shitty and things will be great indiscriminately #stop making any and all experiences into moral statements! #things happen sometimes #dont try to justify it with religious concepts of morality

[oatbugs]

IM SO FUCKING PISSED RN . tonight was bad but good but bad

also ran out of tag space so rest of tags in rb

#the only other autistic person amongst my friends was like one of my closest friends and i just . ughh #basically we used to hang out a lot esp into sunrise etc and hed tell me abt his problems andnstuff and i just #had to delay my exam and thenfire and everything and i thought hed be there for me too and we all met up last night and i was like #hi i need to vent and he said . and i quote . get in line bitch . which was bad and also weird #he then proceeded to leave without a word after like an hour . and my other friends said he was just in a bad mood etc but whatever it felt #weird . and i texted him that night to check up saying hey u seemed a bit upset are u ok etc and he ignored it #while responding to stuff on the GC . and i was obviously upset bc he said that and proceeded to ignore the text etc #and what he said wasnt ok . anyway tonight we met up and he showed up super late and like . didnt talk to me the whole time despite making #direct eye contact and when we were leaving the bar i literally told him hey stop being a dick bro . like w a smile but like yh #and he kind of got rly upset and his first question was is this bc i talked to K and not you (K being one of the only girls in the group) #(who also treated me weirdly but whom i still care for a lot which he should Know) and i said no its bc you ignored my text after being rly #rude last night. meanwhile my friend with whom i had a kind of deal w for like . not smoking and stuff . took a long drag off a cigarette #and obviously i just saw it happen and his hair being too messy and idk it was like an instant heartbreak kind of moment like why would u #do this you said youd never smoke so i kind of just . looked at him and asked him why hes doing this and he looked back and kept smoking . #upsetting situation but the friend i was talking abt first took this as me walking away from him or whatever ?? like bro ? you see this #happening in front of you #anyway a bit later on into the walk i fall back w him and i ask if he wants to talk and he literally fucking #proceeds to say how he left that night bc his discord friends were doing smth better or whatever and he was standing behind me and i didnt #talk to him first and how he doesnt want to talk and hes sick of talking to people meanwhile im out here being a bitch #and as hes saying all of this hes getting louder so i tell him to not raise his voice bc our friends are in front of us #and i dont want this to be a fight i just wajted to talk to him and he blows up even louder like NO IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MY VOICE IM #TRYING TO MAKE A POINT and he keeps going abt how im being bitchy and he was just right there and i apparently ignored him or whatever . #and like i just let him talk bc i was like . hes not calming down so im gonna let him say whatever and then respond calmly . he then #proceeds to leave . just turns around and leaves w no chance for me to say anything #i had bigger concerns (i.e. drunk friend) but it was still so fucking confusing like ??? i texted u if ur ok and u ignored it why is it #now on me to approach u irl again ? what gives u the right to raise ur voice at me and call me a bitch ? #what gives u the right to be a dick to us but esp to tell me to get in line just bc ur friends are on discord and ppl are chewing too loud? #like what the FUCK bro. but anyway after that we went to a park and i talked to my friends friend and we had a lot in common and it was #like 1-3 AM but ppl kept coming and going and laying down and sitting on the swings and playing old music #and staring at the stars there were so so many stars . i checked up on my friend who smoked and made sure he was ok etc (S

[siriuslynephilim]

it should be studied the way i immediately start crying after masturbating like girl where is the serotonin i was promised

#i just. the memories won't stop one after the other like a messy movie #all that talk about sex and love and a future together #all that teasing at night like oh think of me when you do it #and actually thinking of her for a whole year. how do i just forget #and the teasing the joking about who would play what role but both of us knowing exactly what would happen #but it was fun to tease #and the quiz the teasing referencing the quiz to make a point #and sometimes the honest convos truly vulnerable ones no teasing pure love and want #and sending clips on pinterest and them saying one day #and just. the full comfort and safety. and imagining your whole life with someone and suddenly you have to think aboit other people becaus #well they're gone. and they always said don't have hopes for the future i can't promise and i didn't listen #i think ive moved on but really i don't think i have just have gotten good at suppressing distracting #it's been. a little over a month and still it feels like everything is falling apart my house of dreams and hopes is falling apart around #me slowly and im just sitting in the floor crying #i shouldn't have listened to that gracie song i just. i saw her story and i thought she was going to release it and idk wanted to listen #one last time the youtube live version #ab aise lag raha ki back to square one #i keep having these thoughts involuntarily i don't know how to mske them stop #i remember few weeks ago i was hanging out with my bestie and i miss you im sorry started playing on shuffle from her playlist #and i was like fuck this song she told me about it we loved it gracie was like our artist #and i was like ok ill be brave and listen to it i have to one day na she's one of my fave artists #but we hadn't even reached the chorus and my bestie was like no and changed it immediately she must've seen something on my face #cause a hundred memories flashed before my eyes in those 10 something seconds #can u believe. having so many memories with someone you just text. what the fuck man i can't even remember my syllabus they should fade #okay goodnight

[panictimesfour]

well. this romance repulsed nonpartnering alloaro might be getting a girlfriend.

how did this happen

#i said Never Again to romantic relationships #but if she asked i probably wouldn't say no #it's kinda weird and messy i don't really get it myself haha #but that would require her to 1) like me romantically and 2) confess and ask and idk if that's happening #but also with everything that's been happening... #hahaha idk #if you see this and you're her NO YOU DIDN'T YOU DID NOT #but also pls tell me lol

[pleasantdragontree]

My green flag is after a mental/ life breakdown I can literally bounce back quick and quickly make changes in ny life that will stop it from happening again

#sometimes you cant excastly stop breakdowns happening but i am sure to stop myself suffering for long #i hate who i am as a person?? straight into unfuck my life era with emails and apply for help #idk if i am actually a toxic/ crazy person i just think things go wrong when people get involved #when i am on my own/ around people i can unmask around i am the most independent and stable person in a room #idk if its my issue for everything when bpd is a person who is programed to protect themselves by trauma #im messy but aren't we all at 22?? i am a literal child of adulthood so are you