#this is a fix it

[manicmarsupial]

So Close

Another piece of the size-shifter Hosea AU I'm working on with a friend.

Agent Andrew Milton closes in on the Van Der Linde gang.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Agent Milton was having a good day. He was getting closer to eliminating the Van Der Linde gang. Although he felt it was too lenient of him to offer Morgan his freedom if he turned in Van Der Linde. To be honest with himself, he would have ordered Ross to shoot Morgan had there not been a child going fishing with the notorious gunman. He would have concocted a story about a fight and Morgan was shot in self defense. Both he and Ross would be rewarded. He could honestly say he kept his promise that the outlaw ‘won’t swing’. That plan went cock-eyed as Morgan was unwavering in his loyalty, a fact Milton both admired and cursed. If Morgan hadn’t been so protective of the little child, Milton would have rescued the poor boy from a life on the run.

Milton’s informant within the gang wrote to tell him the next camp spot was in Dewberry Creek, or so they were trying to convince the leader. Not particularly fond of staying outdoors himself, but an easily flooded creekbed in the open seemed rather stupid. If Van Der Linde were to actually consider it, Milton would seriously doubt the man’s intelligence.

Fortunately, Milton decided to take a look at the place himself. Luckily he did, as it was empty. Another letter received from his informant told him Morgan and some other deluded soul by the name of Charles Smith had found another place nearby called Clemens Point.

In hindsight, it wasn’t the best idea to have a bloodthirsty idiot like Micah Bell as an informant. While he had managed to convince Der Linde to rob the ferry, he’d also massacred most of Strawberry just for his guns. Milton wondered if he should have tried to utilize one of the ladies of the night instead. They were just whores after all. Playthings to please the degenerates. He could get them out of that life. The more he thought about it, the more he mentally kicked himself for not coming up with that idea sooner. But what’s done is done.

Admittedly, there was a time Milton would have gotten as many agents as he could and stormed the campsite, but he was no longer young and stupid. He had a family. If he did a reckless assault, he’d lose his job and his family would have no income. Walking straight into the lion’s den was only risking his and Ross’ own lives. If the savages opened fire, he’d die with honor. He would get a posthumous award and the agency would provide for his family. That was the worst case scenario. Either outcome he was surely to go down in history for breaking up a notorious gang without bloodshed.

Once again, loyalty screwed him over. He tried to persuade Van Der Linde to come quietly, even giving the rest of the gang three whole days to split up and vanish. Van Der Linde was willing, but Milton and Ross found themselves staring down the barrels of a dozen guns. Admittedly, Milton blew his top. He’d been more than generous with his offer of freedom in exchange for Van Der Linde, but these degenerates refused him. Next time, he wasn’t going to be so forgiving.

The disappearance of Bronte was the least of Milton’s concern, though there were more Pinkertons in Saint Denis now. More importantly, the Van Der Linde gang was going to rob the bank. The actual city bank. Bell had told him it was going ahead. The old man was going to create a diversion, and while the local law was distracted, Dutch’s boys were going to rob the bank. As Milton wrote back to Bell, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t contemplate not sending the letter telling Bell to wear something that stood out so his men didn’t shoot him. Bell replied simply: “white suit.”

Luck was on the agent’s side. He’s seen the old man pass by. Although it went against every fibre of his being to let the dynamite explode, it was imperative he leave it alone otherwise all his effort would be for naught. At least the old man was considerate enough to set it off in an unpopulated area.

As Milton sees the old man undoubtedly making an escape, the agent emerges from the darkness of an alley, resisting a chuckle at the theatrical side of it.

“Well, as I live and breathe, Hosea Matthews, conman and the co-founder of the Van Der Linde gang,” he drawls, mocking a hick accent.

“Andrew Milton...I’d say it’s a pleasure, but I’d be lying,” Matthews replies with fake sincerity.

If Milton has to resort to shooting this man, he would almost feel bad about it. Shame such a talent was wasted with degenerates.

Whatever way this plan went, either Matthews would be dead or Van Der Linde soon would be. Without the leader, the gang would fall. If Matthews dies, Van Der Linde would be so overcome with grief that he’ll destroy the gang himself. It was too perfect.

Milton’s brought back to reality by a chuckle that’s not his own. Matthews shouldn’t be laughing, especially when a gun is trained on his back.

“What’s so funny?” the agent demands.

“You really have cotton wool between your ears, Moron,” the conman laughs, the sound slowly getting deeper.

At first Milton dismissed it as a trick of the light, but it wasn’t. With every step, Matthews was growing taller. Milton hurries to fire his pistol, only for Matthews to whirl around, clamping a serving tray-sized hand around the agent’s own. The now rapidly growing hand clenches tighter. Milton restrains a scream of pain as he feels his fingers contort and crack around the gun. He’s yanked up into the air, pain coursing through his arm.

“Who told you about us?” Matthews thunders.

The impressive buildings of Saint Denis barely reach the giant’s waist.

“If I tell you, will you let me go?” Milton pleads.

“I won’t kill you. Deal?” Matthews smirks.

Knowing that’s all he’ll get, Milton agrees.

“Micah Bell. Since Blackwater. Set up the ferry job to catch Van Der Linde. Promised I’d keep the bounty hunters off his back ‘til Van Der Linde was caught. Give him a blank slate in return,” out of sheer panic, Milton can’t form complete sentences.

Matthews scoffs; the gust is almost gale force for Milton.

“I knew that bastard couldn’t be trusted.”

“Are you going to let me go now?” Milton stammers.

“We had a deal.”

Matthews rolls his eyes.

“I said I wouldn’t kill you. I’m holding up my end of the deal.”

Dark fabric walls ascend above the agent as Matthews releases Milton’s crushed hand, dropping him into a pocket. He counts what’s left of his blessings that he landed softly as the darkness suffocates him.

“Now you stay right there, Andrew,” Matthews laughs, patting his pocket with his enormous hand, slamming Milton against the giant’s body.

He feels sick, both from the pain of his smashed hand and the sudden rocking motion. Matthews’ footsteps thunder along the streets of Saint Denis, no doubt causing property damage.

“Ah, Miss Roberts. Would you like a lift?” Matthews booms, presumably asking one of the trugs.

Milton feels the downward motion as Matthews crouches down, causing the agent to roll forward in the pocket. He tumbles back as Matthews stands.

Milton can hear the muffled faint screams, recognizing Henry McDavy’s scottish brogue yell “I resign my commission!” The screams get slightly louder, followed by a shattering crash. Milton jumps as there’s a loud bang like a boulder falling. He hears more screams as the pocket tilts.

“I’ve caught our rat,” the calm tone of the thundering voice chills Milton to the core.

“How’d you know?” Dutch’s voice sounds far away.

Milton is almost blinded as light streams in, only for the shadow of Matthews’ colossal hand to intrude. He shuffles back to avoid the reaching tree trunk sized fingers, to no avail as he’s grabbed around the waist. His struggles are futile against the immensely strong fingers. He glances around, catching sight of Bell in Matthews’ other hand, wrapped in a fist.

“You didn’t mention Matthews was a giant, Mr Bell!” Milton shouts.

“He’s lying,” Bell snarls.

Unheeding of the argument, Matthews drops both back into his jacket pocket.

“Time to go,” Matthews’ voice rumbles above like thunder.

Milton glares across at Bell, the throbbing pain of his damaged hand nothing compared to the anger he felt toward the hot-tempered outlaw.

“You didn’t think vital information like this would have been crucial to my investigation?” Milton snaps,

“I didn’t know,” Bell snippily replies.

“He’s not exactly invisible like that,” Milton retorts.

There’s a jarring motion as Matthews starts walking. Milton uses the momentum to punch Bell with his good hand. Bell predictably fights back dirty, but Milton has experience. The two continue fighting while being rocked about.

Bell had bitten Milton on the arm several times and nearly chomped his ear off. Milton retaliated by breaking Bell’s nose and knocking out some of the outlaw’s teeth. The agent staggers as a cool sensation and a feel of vertigo make him dizzy and sick. When light stings his eyes, his honed reflexes help him avoid the giant grasping fingers. Bell, with his frantic flailing, manages to sink his teeth onto one of the digits. The enormous hand quickly withdraws.

“One of them just bit me,” Matthews laughs, the resonating sound rattling Milton. 

He doesn’t have time to avoid the hand again and ends up enclosed in a fist. He tries not to vomit as he’s rapidly brought up to the immense, craggy face of Matthews. The giant gives a frighteningly large smirk before looking at some point behind Milton.

“Hey Dutch, got a present for you,” Matthews bellows, dropping Milton into Dutch’s waiting hands.

This was decidedly not a good day for Milton.

#Red Dead Redemption 2 #this is a fix it #and a 'screw you agent moron' #Agent Milton #Arthur Morgan #Jack Marston #Hosea Matthews #Andrew Milton #Dutch Van Der Linde #Bill Williamson #Lenny Summers #Charles Smith #RDR2 #Micah Bell #John Marston #Abigail Roberts #Javier Escuella

[sunbentshadows]

Hey all, you know how internet searches suck now? When the results are awful, full-of-AI, death-of-the-internet levels of bad?

Start appending date constraints to your searches - "before:2023".

My results have gone from 90% AI bullshit to ~60% usable - which frankly at this point is a huge improvement.

#information death of the internet etc #legit this has been SO SO helpful #shout out to mastodon infosec server for this one #before 2022 we did not really have the AI-content-farms because. the tech did not exist to the public. #and you can knock back the date if need be #obviously this does not FIX the problem but #me.txt

[bookwyrminspiration]

god I would be UNSTOPPABLE if I was capable of consistently initiating tasks. just you wait. you'll be waiting a while but just you wait

#executive dysfunction #shitpost #every day I get stuck in waiting mode for SO LONG and SO MANY TIMES #that one time I tried adhd meds it fixed it but then I. was like no I am going to be scared and not continue taking it <3 #and also. I simply did not like the psychologist and did not want to have to go back #so. rawdogging the world <3 #man if I could start a task right now...then you'd see...then you'd all see....

[yeehawpim]

a comic about fix-it fanfics

#original comic #fanfic #fix it fic #fandom #dr who #bbc sherlock #avengers #my comic #my art #been thinking about the truly dumb amount of time I've spent reading fanfic #i started writing fix-it fic like a couple months ago and I Get It #teenage pim was a dumbass

[imperatoralicia]

I get a lot of entertainment thinking about how containers are used in video games sometimes.

#video games #elder scrolls #morrowind #baldur's gate 3 #skyrim #i think having to visually see how meager those 5 coins are #sitting loosely in that big old wooden chest #makes me rethink whether i really need to steal them haha #update: i fixed the egg

[fixing-bad-posts]

please fucking vote

#fixingbadposts #fixing-bad-posts #fuck donald trump #fuck trump #please vote #vote #democracy #american politics

[cemeterything]

sore throats might be the stupidest response to illness i've ever experienced. oh you want to eat? drink?? breathe air??? TEN THOUSAND KNIVES ATTACK

#🐉 #where the FUCK is the engineer!!! fix this!!!

[marleysfinest]

hello please can I sleep in a studio ghibli bed it’s urgent

#I just know sleeping on one of these mattresses is gonna fix all my problems!!!!! #studio ghibli

[dee-the-red-witch]

Oh look, just as fast and dirty as any other April 1st gag bit. Matt, Staff, Automattic, etc, FIX YOUR HEARTS. And do some work on the real problem on here.

#boop #boop paws #boop o meter #april fools 2024 #tumblr staff #photomatt #transmisogyny #transphobia #fix your hearts

[langernameohnebedeutung]

Lae'zel's character and her entire situation at the beginning of the game becomes so much more funny when you find out she's 22. It makes so much sense. Imagine you're 22 and you're exposed to this dangerous toxin or chemical or something - but not to worry, you learnt that this can be easily fixed, you just need to dial 911 real quick. Common knowledge. Everyone knows that. You learnt that in kindergarten, it's up there with fire alarm drills.

But the people you're stuck with have no concept of modern medicine and when you say "let's go to the hospital" they will say shit like "i think they kill people at the hospital" and "we should ask this swamp lady" or "this guy over there told me about this homoeopathic healer kind of guy but he got abducted" or "this random bard wants to help" and "I'm not going to dial 911 because I don't want the government to know my home address" or "maybe we should consider a deal with Satan". And then a bunch of them KEEP consuming the chemical because it makes them "stronger". One guy might explode for unrelated reasons. You have a few days before this situation is getting critical and suddenly they're solving crime and doing general charity for the community.

And FOR SOME REASON you still try to help these idiots and you STILL want to help them get the cure even though they all keep insisting the "doctors" at the "hospital" might try to "kill them" and they don't have insurance. And you keep telling them to just. go. to. the. hospital. before the time runs out and you all die very horribly of a very treatable condition.

And also you're 22 in a foreign country and you're responsible for shepherding this gaggle of idiots who are all ranging anywhere from 24 to 240 years old.

#you have to consider the fact that she has no reason to doubt or question the Creche as the easy fix for her problems. #Go there. Get Purified. Done. #and she even wants to make sure that this lot gets treated too. Honestly she is so good to them by Gith standards it's insane #baldur's gate 3 #lae'zel

[auckie]

https://x.com/MorePerfectUS/status/1765391777580912958?s=20

PLEASE GD IF YOU LOVE AND WANT TRAINS

#so excited that the Amtrak is adding #new routes looking to reach 160 new communities by 2035 #new trains to the NE too #doing this by making coaches have fixed seating meaning there’s alternate forward and backward facing ones #so they can operate as push pull trains with less turnaround time #thehre debuting #2nd gen acela and airo trainsets #so excited anyways take a look 👀

[edwardbonnets]

how to ask the demon you've been smitten over for 6000 years to dance: an angel's guide

bonus:

#goodomensedits #goodomensgifs #good omens #good omens s2 #good omens spoilers #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #userkristi #userlauren #userstede #userisaiah #userelio #userhani #my gifs #edit: the old caption has been fixed!!! changed it to 'we' like god (neil gaiman) intended #EDIT EDIT: NEIL GAIMAN HIMSELF REBLOGGED THIS POST AND CONFIRMED ITS NOT 'WE' BUT 'YOU DONT DANCE' LIKE I HAD ORIGINALLY OKAY #im returning to my roots #(aka making gifs but adding my chaotic commentary and editing to it) #i wish i was at home i'd be able to use a better quality video but im also ~impatient~ #hopefully no one beat me to the punch #because this scene is genuinely one of my favorites like look at azi look at his smile im gonna fucking cry :'))))) #like michael sheen!!!!!!!! michael sheen i am banging at your door like a wild chimpanzee #the ACTING CHOICES #the way you can literally SEE his thought process and excitement over asking crowley to dance i am in shambles i really am

[junglejim4322]

Me at the beginning of this year: I’m so gonna fix my life dude this is gonna be the year everything changes I’m not gonna let anything slip through the cracks it’s time to live

Me approaching the end of March:

#still gonna fix it apparently it’s just going to be more difficult than I thought okay. keep believing in me

[e-102]

i cannot stop thinking about the scene where peter b turns around like he just realized miguel is genuinely insane it is so funny

like ohhhhh. okay. yeah he’s gonna maim that 15 year old.

#kiwi talks about life #fix later

[badolmen]

People against piracy fail to realize that no, I can’t just ‘buy it.’ They stopped making DVDs and Blu-Rays. They’re barely offering digital copies for download. I am not spending money I could use for food or bills to pay for a subscription service just so I can always have access to a beloved piece of media. Especially not when the service will remove media on a whim without concern for how the loss of access to that piece will make its artistic conservation nigh impossible.

For example, I recently learned that Disney+ had an original film called Crater. It’s scifi, family friendly, and seems cool - I would love to buy it as a holiday gift for my little brother! But: it’s exclusive to D+ and THEY REMOVED IT LITERALLY MONTHS AFTER ITS RELEASE.

The ONLY way I can directly access this film is through piracy. The ONLY available ‘copies’ of this film are hosted on piracy websites. Disney will NEVER release it in theaters, or as something to buy, and it may NEVER return to the streaming service. It will be LOST because we aren’t allowed to purchase it for personal viewing. If I can’t pay to own it, I won’t pay for the privilege of losing it when corporate decides to put it in a vault.

So yes, I’m going to pirate and support piracy.

#ra speaks #piracy #media piracy #pirate to make hondo ohnaka proud #obligatory ‘don’t fucking pirate small authors/artists works wtf dude’ statement. #anyone who’s seen my media bitching before knows I’m a hype man for indie films this ain’t about them #this is about corporate streaming services killing physical media bc sales numbers are less impressive than number of streams #edit: USAmericans stop telling me to buy DVDs and blurays at Walmart. think outside your borders for a hot sec. fun thought exercise. #your experiences are not universal #edit: WHO GOT THIS TO 100k. I JUST WANT TO TALK (this post is my second to hit 100k woahg.) #in other news: fix your fucking posture. drink some fucking water. and go the fuck to bed if it’s late bc it’s for me rn. peace and light.

[greelin]

we have to start lighting landlords on fire. i’m so serious

#fixed it.