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huggybearsunshine · 1 year

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Another Love

[One-shot ficlet] Sam asks Dean about the endverse.

“You said a lot about you, bit about me,” Sam raised a careful brow, “but…”

“What?” Dean already looked a little more guarded as if he knew what was coming.

“Where was Cas?” Sam’s voice was gentle, and he wore an expression to match.

“Ah,” Dean looked away and took a swig of his beer, “Cas was… Cas was there.”

“I was?” Cas’ voice spoke from over Dean’s shoulder and the hunter’s eyes fell shut.

“Yeah…” Dean sighed, “Hey, Cas.”

“You never said…” then it seemed to hit him, “Never change,” he recalled as he took a seat with them at the table.

“Yeah… guess we’re doing this,” Dean rubbed his face with one hand and pulled a flask out of his jacket pocket, “I’m gonna need something stronger.”

“I was… I wasn’t myself, was I?” Cas assessed softly.

“No, but I was…” self-hatred dripped from Dean’s reply, and Sam regretted bringing it up.

It had been so many years, but he’d always wondered, and Dean finally seemed somewhat willing to open up.

“What happened?” Cas laid a hand upon Dean’s own and the hunter stared down at it with a look of regret.

“You, uh…” he took a swig of the flask with his free hand and then set it in front of Cas like an offering.

The Angel removed his hand to take it and accepted a sip if for no other reason than to comfort the man who offered.

“You were human,” Dean began, “And I think you were really sad,” he leaned back, looking away from the two at the table with him, “You didn’t show it, but I could tell…”

“Because of Sam?” Cas asked softly, having heard previously about the other hunter’s possession.

“Maybe, but seemed like it was mostly ‘cause of me,” Dean took another swig, “I think we were… I think they were together… the other us…”

Cas’ posture stiffened and Sam’s brows rose as he listened, mostly forgotten by the other two.

“I- he… the other me… I think he kept it a secret and I think it made you feel…” Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “You were always high or having meaningless sex…” a dark chuckle escaped him, “Think you took a page out of my book with the self-medicating.”

“Dean-“ Sam started, feeling responsible for opening what was clearly a still-healing wound.

“Let me…” he stopped him, “Just… let me get this out.”

Sam silenced himself again, sinking smaller in his corner.

“By the time I got there… He was ready to sacrifice you,” Dean met his eye for the first time since he began his story, “And you were going to let him.”

“Dean, that was not you,” Cas reached across to grip his shoulder, eyes begging for his words to stick, “Zachariah wanted to give you every reason to need to change that fate. You must know his fabrication was just that.”

“Yeah, but he did get some things right,” Dean’s voice wavered, “Didn’t he…”

Cas swallowed, hand loosening and sliding down his arm absentmindedly.

“Yes,” Cas finally affirmed, “I suppose he did.”

Sam’s eyes darted between them, breath held in fear of intruding on something he wasn’t entirely sure he followed, but he had a pretty strong feeling of what was being said between the pair.

“That was the worst case scenario,” Cas continued, “It doesn’t mean it’s what would have come to pass if…” the Angel trailed off as he sought out the right words to say, “If that had…” he looked terrified of his own thoughts, trying unsuccessfully to keep in what he desperately wanted to express, “That is not the man you became, Dean.”

“Nothing from that world actually happened, but I was always afraid I’d… ruin you…” Dean took another large gulp, “All the Angels said it! The moment you touched me in hell, you were lost! That I ruined you!”

“To them, you did,” Cas was now the one gazing down at the table and lost in his own thoughts, “But that is not my opinion of what happened.”

“It’s not?” Dean’s voice crackled under the strain of keeping his emotions from surfacing.

“No,” Cas’ lips tilted upward fondly, “You saved me, Dean… I was nothing of my own before you.”

“When your powers started weakening, I thought…” he shook his head, eyes falling onto the hand that still clung to his arm, “I was worried it was happening again.”

“No, Dean,” Cas sighed sadly, “You are not the one at fault for that.”

He leaned back and Dean found himself missing the warmth of his hand as it slid off.

“The Angels I killed weakened the Host- Heaven…” Cas explained, “I am suffering the consequences of my own actions, not yours…”

“So, do you-?” Sam hesitated, but powered through after a moment of doubt, “Do you two,” he paused again, unsure of how else to ask, “love each other?”

The other two men’s eyes met across the table, equally challenging and questioning.

Unsurprisingly, though, Cas was the first to answer.

“Yes,” he replied simply, holding Dean’s gaze, “I think you know I do.”

The hunter’s eyes broke under the attention, cutting upward toward the ceiling.

“What if it’s a mistake?” Dean avoided answering directly, and Cas’ fondness returned.

“I have made a lot of mistakes,” the Angel nodded, “But loving you was never one of them.”

That statement was apparently the line where Dean met his breaking point, as he went completely silent, just staring at Cas in shock.

Too many years of keeping it in made it near impossible in that moment to make even the smallest semblance of a sound.

“Dean,” Sam finally decided to butt in, “Now would be the time to say something.”

“Yeah,” Dean’s eyes darted between them, “Fuck…”

“Not what I meant,” Sam covered his face, now red with second-hand embarrassment, “I’m going to give you guys the room…”

He clapped Dean on the back as he passed.

“Don’t be dumb,” he added quietly before disappearing through the doorway, leaving the room in yet another thick silence.

“Dean,” Cas took pity and broke it for him, “It’s okay if you don’t feel what they did… I’m very happy with our life as it is.”

“Are you really?” the hunter finally managed, and the exhaustion in his voice was heartbreaking.

Cas took a deep breath, “Dean…”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he rubbed the bridge of his nose, “Cas, I stopped looking for women a long time ago…”

“I had noticed a… dip in your social, um… proclivities, yes,” Cas took the flask and downed a bit too much of it, “Sorry…”

Dean’s eyes lit in amusement, draining some of the discomfort from his posture.

“You never wondered why?” he furthered, catching Cas’ wandering eyes.

“I assumed you were busy and stressed,” the Angel floundered, “Also I know human men can have trouble sexually as they age-”

“Hey, that is not the reason!” he was quick to defend.

“Right, of course,” Cas back-tracked.

“Like, not at all, okay?”

“Absolutely,” a smile began to pull at the Angel’s lips again, “Understood.”

“I… I think I just had everything I needed already…” he glanced down before working his nerve back up again, “You know what i mean?”

Cas opened and closed his mouth a couple of times as uncertainty flooded his features, but Dean could only think how beautiful he looked when he was flustered.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is… yes,” the hunter added to further his point.

“Yes?“ Cas sought clarity.

“Yes, Cas,” he looked pointedly at him, waiting for the Angel to catch up.

“Oh,” his entire face fell flat.

“I’ve tried not to, believe me,” Dean furthered, “For your sake… but I’m just so fucking stubborn, and no matter how hard I tried to want someone else… It was always just you.”

“You think being without you is in my best interest,” Cas gave him a tilted look, reminding him of that first conversation in the barn all those years ago.

The hunter hesitated before chancing a glance, “I mean, it is, isn’t it?”

“That is not my opinion, no,” the Angel shook his head, “Dean, I know you think that loving you is a curse, but I need you to understand that, to me, it has only been a gift.”

Dean’s brows knit as he tried to make sense of how that could ever be possible.

“Whether you return those feelings or not,” Cas placed his hand back atop the other man’s own, “It will always be a gift.”

Dean was silent for a moment, letting the words sink deeper into him, hoping that if he buried them deeply enough, no one could ever take them away.

Not even himself.

Cas allowed him this time, until the hunter stood and approached him, never releasing the hand he had given him.

With a tug, Dean pulled him to his feet and Cas was close enough to count the freckles on his cheeks, see where his eyelashes went from light to dark, and smell the whiskey on his breath.

And his shook on an inhale before Dean’s lips met his own soft but assured.

All the Angel heard was his own gasp before everything else faded away. Only coming to in any real way when Dean’s hand slipped onto the curve of his neck and into his hairline.

A noise escaped him that he had no name for, but Dean seemed more than happy to elicit.

“Dean,” he warned as the light bulb in the fixture above them grew brighter and louder.

He pulled away and it returned to normal as a hand- his own, he noted- reached up to touch his lips.

Dean looked beside himself when the Angel’s focus returned to him, chest heavy with each breath.

“Are you alright?” Cas asked in fear that he had ruined the moment.

“Not even a little,” he answered on a laugh, “The lightbulbs aren’t going to be either.”

He pushed him into the wall behind him and the warmth of his mouth trailed down Cas’ neck before the entire bunker went dark.

“Powers draining, my ass,” Dean chuckled in his ear.

“I didn’t know I could still do that,” he pressed the words into Dean’s lips.

———————

@destiel-wings @destieliscanon5nov

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