#then she decides to bring pain into the fact and say she hasn't got the energy to argue | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

quitealotofsodapop · 3 months

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[Once Mac learned that Wukong got possessed trying to take down LBD, the shadow monkey almost 99% decided that he wasn't going to lose his King to that bony biotch. And depeneding on how messy the Samadhi Fire ritual goes, the last thing Wukong says to Macaque is along the lines of "You ruined everything!", and Macaque doesn't want those to be the last words he hears his King say…] + [And soon Macaque started to remember how much him and Wukong discussed Having a family once the war on heaven was over, and how much they both wanted to be parents…]

he spent this whole time trying to put the... whole thing with Wukong on hold until he was free from LBD's control. keyword being trying, ofc. things don't really work like that when you're tasked with hunting the other monkey in question and his friends down, so he accidently made things worse and know he's trying to reign everything back in long enough to have even a chance to fix it.

[Its also around the time Macaque really has it sink in that; "Oh sh-t. I attacked the Monk and fought Wukong when he was pregnant. No wonder he killed me." He isn't sure how to build himself up to discussing this fact with Wukong yet, but he'll get there.]

it's probably something he decides to bring up shortly after the whole s4 debacle. Between the fight from right before ep 1 to the world almost ending again, he doesn't want to risk his death potentially being another surprise argument that gets out of hand or risk another world ending event getting in the way of any substantial healing again. he knows disagreements are normal and even healthy in any kind of relationship, lest the relationship be codependent, but he'd rather not fight about that.

[Red's hair is ruined with baby monkey drool by the time someone gets Yuebei off of him.] + [Nezha, angry flames flaring up: "You mean to tell me that you were "with Stone Egg" during the ritual to separate the Samadhi Fire!? She could have suffered the same fate as Ao Lie!" Wukong, guilt-ridden: "Yeah. Don't remind me. She kicked me non-stop for days afterwards."] + [Yuebei: *tries grabbing Nezha's skates to test the "spicyness"*]

Wukong is laughing at Red the whole time.

Ne Zha def feels a bit guilty about his first reaction being to bring up Ao Lie's death, probably knowing how Wukong feels about it.

and aww no, no I'm picturing Wukong so in pain from Yuebei's distress that he's basically bedridden. I imagine he'd spend this time resting with Ao Lie until they both recovered (atleast on the surface) while the other pilgrims fuss over both of them.

Ne zha can only squawk indignantly when Yuebei manages to get her mouth around one of his rings, immediately trying to pry it from her little jaws. with him and Wukong combined it takes 10 minutes and the promise of a lot of fruit to get her off. luckily the rings aren't perpetually on fire.

[And the dragon's last words to assure his friend that he never blamed him for the accident, nor his baby. Ao Lie was just sad that he'd never be able to meet the cub in this lifetime. He just wants Wukong to stop being so hard on himself for it. If only the dragon he tell him that in person.]

Scroll of memory! Ao Lie already broke the mold by interacting with Mei, he breaks it again when MK + Macaque are scroll diving for Wukong by telling him to pass on the message to the king that his stance on the matter hasn't changed.

[He def makes an awkward apology once they run into eachother at the start of S3. He refuses to let Wukong get into danger or exert himself tho - Nezha's a momma's boy at heart after all.]

Wukong insists it's fine, and that Ne Zha couldn't have known that he kept it from basically everyone, but Ne Zha still feels bad about everything regarding the ritual. he intends to make up for it by doing whatever he can to protect Wukong and his little one now (even if Wukong insists its not nessecary)

[Spider Queen hears the sounds of a thousand knuckles cracking and realises that she's looking at the person who might as well be the Monkey King's Mama. SQ ain't even mad by the end of it.] + [And although SQ kinda trusts the demon a little more, she's far more hesistant to step on the Monkey King's toes than before if his Mama's gonna respond. SQ is a lot more scheming for the rest of S2.]

I love the mental image of Guan Yin using their hundred hands to aid in their righteous beat down

Spoder Queen knows she kinda deserved this, she did put a heavily pregnant person who is practically made of magic in a magic draining web. she was basically asking for this.

she will take this loss with the dignity and grace of the queen (believes she) is and not bother Wukong again (yet) she promises- please don't punch her again.

[LBD almost in the same fashion it tried absorbing the Samadhi Fire so many years ago - guess his baby found the ancient demoness "less spicy".] + [BTW I love the art you did for this scene!! Stone Egg had enough of LBD's nonsense and was Hangry, and Bama had spoken some sense into Baba, and now Nom NOM NOMNOM.]

she is very icy!

and I'm glad you like the art!

[Oh gosh Macaque realising that the baby looking like him brings Wukong joy too would make him cry even harder. He almost cost his mate everything by risking the world over his own debt to the Bone demon. Mac would gladly have died all over again if it kept the baby safe.]

Macaque is an inconsolable sobbing mess of emotions for a while after first meeting Yuebei, for a lot of reasons. and imagine how hard he cries when Wukong first names her out loud officially calling her "Sun Yuebei Xing" for the first time, Yuebei being a moon inspired/adjacent name. he's practically wailing at one point.

[She plants a big kiss on Yuebei's forehead, forgetting that her lipstick stains. Her husband chuckles, still teary-eyed, at his wife's embarassment at planting a big kiss mark on the baby's head.] + [MK is having unknown instinctual urge to curl up with Yuebei (his honorary sister) next to the other monkeys. Pigsy laughs that MK did the same with his fave plushie for years.]

Wukong laughs at the befuddled chirp Yuebei makes when PIF kisses her.

he would also very much welcome MK into his nest with his sleepy little family.

[Also, Mac is def the kinda guy to use exaggerated versions of the Brotherhood's voices when narrating villain characters in Yuebei's books. The little raspberry noises (or "Boos" as Mac likens them to) she makes at the voices encourages him even further.]

I love this. He so would. Wukong would be laughing his tail off the first time he hears Macaque voicing a villain with an over exaggerated Peng voice, Wukong actively encourages him to do this as well.

[And considering Yellowtusk is the only one with the sense to feed and bathe the hostage infant, he's not surprised when she turns on Azure and Peng specifically.]

I'm now thinking of a scene where yellowtusk manages to get Yuebei away from the others long enough to give her bath, and she's fussy about it but baths with her Baba and Bama in the mountains hot springs were usually fun and calm and she felt better afterwards so she didn't put up much of a fight when Yellowtusk tried to get her into the water. anything that reminded her of her parents is comforting right now. but she's crying the whole time and chirping for her parents as she's very far from home and with no one she recognizes, but this elephant is giving her fruit and cleaning her as best he can, so maybe he's okay? she ends up clinging to his trunk like how'd she would cling around her parents neck, and thats how he got his sore trunk during Yuebei's "tantrum". it wasn't her getting mad at him the same way she got mad at Azure and Peng, she was just scared and clung to the first person she felt was safe with, her uncontrolled baby strength leaving it's mark despite him being the only one she didn't really feel threatened by.

kinda sad note on Yuebe missing her parents, but I feel like she'd have seperation anxiety after the s4 debacle. she needs at least one of her parents in the room with her at all times when she's awake or she's wailing at the top of her lungs.

[Some of Peng's feathers are stolen too (Yuebei had a mouthful of them) and Macaque and Sandy turned the feathers into a cat toy. Mo and Yuebei both adore it.]

this is amazing Macaque would so let Yuebei keep a "trophy" of her victory over Peng in the form of a baby appropriate toy. he also is def never letting Peng live down that they lost to a baby if they ever meet face to face again. hell, they day he got Yuebei back he was ragging on Peng for their loss before the bird could even be peeled off the ground

Sequel to this Slow Boiled au post.

[he spent this whole time trying to put the... whole thing with Wukong on hold until he was free from LBD's control. keyword being trying, ofc.]

Yeah, Macaque is having a not-so-fun time trying to get used to being alive again, being still in love with his former mate (who killed him), having his soul indebted to a omnicidal Bone Demon, his former mate having a baby etc...

After finding out about MK and the Stone Egg; Mac was sorta half-hoping that he could duck LBD enough to slowly absorb the whole Wukong situation, maybe meet up with some old allies, get some answers, that sort of thing. The Mayor kidnapping him really threw those plans out the window.

[it's probably something he decides to bring up shortly after the whole s4 debacle. Between the fight from right before ep 1 to the world almost ending again, he doesn't want to risk his death potentially being another surprise argument that gets out of hand or risk another world ending event getting in the way of any substantial healing again.]

It's def a super awkward thing to approach, especially with Yuebi literally just being born and stuff.

Wukong now knows that Mac knows, and is super guilty for not having told him back then. At the same time, Wukong is confused why Max seems so... ok with it suddenly??? Like;

Wukong: "Dude, I killed you." Mac: "Yeah, and I attacked you while you were carrying a baby. Lets call it even." Wukong: "You didn't *know* at the time!" Mac: "Don't matter. Lets just drop it ok?"

Mac does have his own super complex issues regarding the whole "being killed by your former mate"-thing, but in his mind - he really could have killed Wukong and Yuebei if he hadn't been careful. He also knows that in his heart-of-hearts, he wouldn't have even considered fighting Wukong had he known about the Stone Egg ahead of time. He ultimately doesnt want to open up any old wounds Wukong has from the incident since he's been living with the outcome of that fight far longer than Mac has.

Bumping around Wukong's memories in S4 really dredges Mac's buried resentment and confusion about the last fight to the surface. Questions like; Why was Wukong protecting the monk that hurt him? Why was Wukong going on this Journey and not returning to his throne? Why did he hide the Stone Egg from the world?

MK is politely trying his best to let Mac vent to him about what happened between him and Wukong, but ofc they quickly stumble into MK's shared history with the Monkey King.

Lots of hugs, peaches, and family counselling is required afterwards, not doubts about that.

[and aww no, no I'm picturing Wukong so in pain from Yuebei's distress that he's basically bedridden. I imagine he'd spend this time resting with Ao Lie until they both recovered (atleast on the surface) while the other pilgrims fuss over both of them.]

Ao Lie and Wukong are quickly panicking over eachother while their other bros are forcing them to rest after the Samadhi Fire Ritual. Wukong was in so much pain that he was convinced that he was going into labor, or that he even lost Yuebei as a result of joining in the Ritual. Eventually though, the Stone Egg calmed down. Ao Lie's pain did not.

[Ne zha can only squawk indignantly when Yuebei manages to get her mouth around one of his rings, immediately trying to pry it from her little jaws. with him and Wukong combined it takes 10 minutes and the promise of a lot of fruit to get her off. luckily the rings aren't perpetually on fire.]

Yuebei mistook the rings as chew toys and liked the shiny gold colour. It takes Nezha a solid minute of apologizing to Wukong for his past behavior to notice that the little monkey cub has clamped her mouth over one of his skates. Wukong is laughing hysterically, especially as Nezha tries his best to gently remove the ring from Yuebei's mouth without activating it. Luckily all it takes to distract the baby is for Experienced Dad™ Pigsy to pull the oldest trick in the book.

Pigsy: "Got your nose, mooncake!" Yuebei, drops ring: :O! Nezha, quickly picks it up: "How did you know to do that?" Pigsy, still holding Yuebei's "nose" as the baby grabs at him: "You'd swear MK was half-garbage disposal from how much stuff he tried to eat as a toddler. Stealing his nose always worked." Wukong, a little wistful: "Tell me more, please?" Pigsy: "Sure thing. Guess little monkeys aren't much different from little MKs." *gives Yuebei her nose back*

Nezha makes note of hiding anything flammable whenever he visits the monkeys.

[Scroll of memory! Ao Lie already broke the mold by interacting with Mei, he breaks it again when MK + Macaque are scroll diving for Wukong by telling him to pass on the message to the king that his stance on the matter hasn't changed.]

Oh gosh... Imagine this though... Wukong trapped in the Scroll, busting on through his memories. Suddenly he hears a familar voice...

Ao Lie: "Wow! She really did make us all wait, huh?" Wukong, frozen in his tracks: "What?" Wukong: (*slowly turns to see the memory of Ao Lie, far older/frailer than what Mei had seen, standing by and watching the memory of Yuebei's first day of life.*) Memory!Ao Lie, smiling: "She's a perfect little pup... Mei was right on the money when she called her a ball of cuteness! She really looks like you! The blue eyes are a little unexpected, but considering that your mate dragged himself out of Diyu to be there - I guess anything could have happened!" Wukong, lip quivering: "No... you're just that memory curse. Ao Lie never got to see her! You're not real!" Memory!Ao Lie, frowning: "Why are you so stubborn to admit that it wasn't your fault? I really truly never blamed you, or her." Wukong, crying: "Why were you so ok with it? Because of me, the Samadhi Fire it... hurt you." Memory!Ao Lie: "I would rather die protecting my family than live and let them be hurt in my stead." (*quietly moves to hug Wukong*) "That includes you and your pup, Wukong. Always has." Wukong: (*now sobbing, hugging Memory!Ao Lie tight*)

Eventually the Memory!Ao Lie has to remind Wukong that he has friends to reunite with in the present. Wukong hesistates to leave Ao Lie alone again - the memory reassures him that he'll be fine as long as his pilgrim brother lives his life without the weight of the Ritual upon his shoulders. And to make sure to spoil Yuebei in his stead.

[Wukong insists it's fine, and that Ne Zha couldn't have known that he kept it from basically everyone, but Ne Zha still feels bad about everything regarding the ritual. he intends to make up for it by doing whatever he can to protect Wukong and his little one now (even if Wukong insists its not nessecary)]

Ofc Nezha feels like garbage for treating Wukong's actions during the Ritual as a failing.

Wukong thinks he has it bad with DBK, PIF, and Pigsy forcing him to rest? Imagine how stubborn Nezha is when he's worried over the Monkey King.

[I love the mental image of Guan Yin using their hundred hands to aid in their righteous beat down] + [she will take this loss with the dignity and grace of the queen (believes she) is and not bother Wukong again (yet) she promises- please don't punch her again.]

Spider Queen isn't sure who she's afraid of more; the spooky ancient bone demon pretending to be a little girl, or the 1000 Armed Bodhisattva that just whooped her hard (but mercifully let her live) for hooking the Monkey King to the power-draining Spider Mech. Spider Queen makes sure not to directly target or interact with the Monkey King or his protege if she can for the rest of S2.

The Spider Gang has nightmares of Guanyin coming to beat the rest of them up like she's a Jojo stand.

[she is very icy! and I'm glad you like the art!]

It's really great art!!

Also LBD's soul probably tasted like shaved ice with a hint of chalk. Lots of it, but pretty bland. It filled up Yuebei at least!

[Macaque is an inconsolable sobbing mess of emotions for a while after first meeting Yuebei, for a lot of reasons. and imagine how hard he cries when Wukong first names her out loud officially calling her "Sun Yuebei Xing" for the first time, Yuebei being a moon inspired/adjacent name. he's practically wailing at one point.]

Aww ohoho! Macaque makes so many joyous squeaking/hooting sounds during Yuebei's arrival. To hear that Wukong has named her his little "Moon Comet Star" just makes him cry harder, especially with how casually Wukong names her. Like he'd had it it long before this moment, before he even knew that Macaque was back in his life.

I think in older Chinese traditions, the parents typically wait for the Man Yue (30 Days) celebration to publically announce the baby's name. But I bet Wukong is just so happy that he tells everyone Yuebei's name long before that time.

Nezha insisted on being at Yuebei's Man Yue to bless her, as that's his whole Patron God of Children thing.

[Wukong laughs at the befuddled chirp Yuebei makes when PIF kisses her. he would also very much welcome MK into his nest with his sleepy little family.]

There's def a bunch of photos of the incident with Yuebei looking at PIF with the most confused doe-eyed look ever, a huge red kiss mark on her head. The Princess looking embarassed and adoring all at once. It's PIF anf DBK's fave baby photo of Yuebei - besides the one where she tried eating Red Son's hair.

MK is very tired after the battle, so the gang has no problem just letting the kid rest in the nest with the monkeys. t

[I love this. He so would. Wukong would be laughing his tail off the first time he hears Macaque voicing a villain with an over exaggerated Peng voice, Wukong actively encourages him to do this as well.]

Heehee, Macaque finally agrees to read Yuebei a kids-friendly version of JTTW at MK's insistence, and when he gets to Camel Ridge, he pauses before looking towards Wukong for confirmation. At Wukong's excited nod, Macaque grins evily.

Macaque, narrating: "In the kingdom of Lion Camel Ridge, there lived three Great Demon Kings." Macaque, exaggerating the real voices: "Azure Lion! Yellow Tusked Elephant! And the Golden-Winged Peng!" Yuebei: *blows raspberry at the villains!* >:P! Macaque, normal voice: "Yeah, boo! These guys sucked!" Wukong: *laughing hysterically!* MK, sitting cross-legged on the floor: "Did they really sound like that?" Wukong, trying hard not to cry from laughter: "It's closer than you think!"

Macaque also deliberately exaggerates the voices of their allies like PIF and DBK so Yuebei doesn't accidentally associate their voices with the muddy past shown in the book.

[I'm now thinking of a scene where yellowtusk manages to get Yuebei away from the others long enough to give her bath, and she's fussy about it but baths with her Baba and Bama in the mountains hot springs were usually fun and calm and she felt better afterwards so she didn't put up much of a fight when Yellowtusk tried to get her into the water. anything that reminded her of her parents is comforting right now. but she's crying the whole time and chirping for her parents as she's very far from home and with no one she recognizes, but this elephant is giving her fruit and cleaning her as best he can, so maybe he's okay? she ends up clinging to his trunk like how'd she would cling around her parents neck, and thats how he got his sore trunk during Yuebei's "tantrum".]

Awwww..... :(

Yellow Tusk brings up the matter shortly after their takeover. Their former ally's cub is very fussy (especially since Azure has had her for about half a day now) and is starting to smell... ripe. Peng takes one sniff and recoils in disgust. Azure is clueless and isn't sure if monkey cubs work like lion cubs or not. Yellow Tusk has the sense to ask the remaining servants for help with tending to the infant - a group of seven brave orchard maidens stepped forward to run the baby a bath and prepare her a meal. Yellow Tusk is sure that he recognises them.

Baby monkeys instinctively cling to whatever is nearby - especially in situations where they feel scared or unsafe. So when the elephant gently put Yuebei in the warm bathwater and offered her mashed fruit, she instinctively clasped around his trunk like it was the arm of her parents, making sad hooing sounds as she sucked on her fingers. Yellow Tusk felt his heart break at the sight. He simply cannot fathom harming her in any sense of the word.

Azure must be mad to think that Sun Wukong won't kill them all to ensure this child's safety.

[kinda sad note on Yuebe missing her parents, but I feel like she'd have seperation anxiety after the s4 debacle. she needs at least one of her parents in the room with her at all times when she's awake or she's wailing at the top of her lungs.]

Absolutely.

Baby monkeys are already super clingy - the trauma of Yuebei's kidnapping during S4 only intensified this. She fears that if either of her parents leave the room, that they might not come back. Considering it was her parents arguing and "something" (aka the Scroll) taking her Baba away preceeded her kidnapping...

The first few times it happens, Wukong and Mac + the extended fam are terrified and aren't sure *why* Yuebei is so distressed. Eventually they figure out it's her anxiety, and are able to at least keep a clone posted to ease the worst of her worries when the others babysit. MK thankfully is one of the figures that Yuebei is calm around, and while she loves her uncles and aunts; Yuebei still starts wailing after a few minutes of realizing that she can't find her Baba or Bama.

It takes a long time for the baby monkey to be comfortable to not have her parents in sight. And considering how worried and overprotective that Wukong and Mac can be of her, they aren't in any rush to force her independance.

[this is amazing Macaque would so let Yuebei keep a "trophy" of her victory over Peng in the form of a baby appropriate toy. he also is def never letting Peng live down that they lost to a baby if they ever meet face to face again. hell, they day he got Yuebei back he was ragging on Peng for their loss before the bird could even be peeled off the ground]

Imagine the smug look on Macaque's face as he sees Peng reduced to a chicken burger on the ground by a *baby* with not even a tooth in her head. Mac would make a show of picking up his baby girl and kissing her all over while commenting in baby-talk; "Did you have fun with the birdy and kitty, moonlight? Yeah? Do you want Bama to take something to remember your little play date?"

And before Peng could make a snarking comment, they squawk! at the feeling of feathers being removed. They look up and see Yuebei playing with a handful of golden feathers. The Shadow Monkey grinning like a cat who's caught a mouse. The celestial bird faints from embarassment.

Macaque has one of the feathers preserved as a bookmark. It brings him great joy.

Again tysm for being so invested in this au!

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mydetheturk · 6 months

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shy kiss please!

This is very very late but!!! Kissies from Razlo!! (his big emotions also got away from me a little but he's just so !!!)

Razlo paces back and forth, nibbling on a nail. He's stuck in a fierce internal debate with Livio.

Well she ain’t gonna kill you, Livio mutters. Razlo gets the impression that were Livio the one piloting right now, he'd be sitting in a chair with his head tipped back, whole form slouching.

Razlo paces a bit faster.

“What if she just, like, stabs us with her cane?” Razlo blurts out. Why is he nervous??? It's not like Elendira hasn't impaled him before – it's not like he doesn't dream about it some nights, waking up in charge, skin tingling, the phantom feeling of yarz long nails embedded in his lungs.

Raz.

“Shut! Up! Livio!” Razlo squawks. “Quiet time! Go! Go be quiet in our head somewhere!”

Livio laughs at him before dropping into the cracks and crevasses of their mind. Jerk face.

Razlo's not nervous, nope. Not at all.

His hands are just shaky and his palms sweaty and his heart keeps fluttering over the fact that Elendira the Crimsonnail, coolest, most badass, angriest woman Razlo's ever met, kissed him!!!!

Him!

His loud, shouty face! On the lips!!!!!

And now he kind of wants to kiss her again!

Razlo buries his face in his hands and makes a noise like a deflating thomas. He can't be a coward about this. He can't! She's just. She's just. She's so pretty, and a little delicate and soft, and throws her head back when she laughs, and touches him so, so softly that it makes Razlo want to fucking melt into a little puddle of Tri-Punisher.

He's gonna die. He's gonna die and leave Livio permanently in charge and all of his hard work keeping them alive will go down the drain cause Razlo has died of “This woman who has actively tried to kill me is too damn hot and I want to hold her hand.”

Oh fuck he wants to hold her hand.

Razlo decides that pacing the tiny room back and forth is not helping his state of whatever and starts making laps around the Ship. He knows when and where Elendira has what the doctor assigned to her calls “physical therapy so you don't lose your internal goddamn organs” and Elendira calls “punishment from an old bastard for living.”

(Razlo won't admit it, but he likes the cranky old doctor, someone the lady in charge pulled out of cold storage after the fucked up puppet guy had attacked this place. Turns out the old doc had been a surgeon back in the day, back Before, and was used to cranky paramilitary groups. Where the fuck the lady in charge found this guy, Razlo has NO fucking clue.)

Razlo tries not to pass the room where Elendira's going through more exercises and stretches more than once or twice or maybe three times. Livio's gonna laugh so hard at him when he finds out and then Razlo's going to have to kick his ass and then where will they be? Back to square one again and healing from a self inflicted black eye????

Razlo finds himself right outside the door when Elendira comes out, gritting her teeth against the pain, a little sweaty and holding onto her cane so hard her knuckles have gone white.

Impulse kicks in.

Razlo places his hand over Elendira's, cupping her hand against the cane.

“Razlo?” she says warily, eyes flowing from where Razlo is touching her hand and up his arm to stare at his face.

Do it now, you idiot, before you chicken out!

Razlo carefully – oh so very, very carefully – cups Elendira's cheek with his hand and gently – stay gentle!!! – tips up her face and kisses Elendira.

She makes a slight, startled noise. But she brings up her other hand and rolls up slightly on the balls of her feet and cups the back of his neck and kisses Razlo back.

She kisses back!!!!

Razlo might explode! Honestly!!!!

He startles and Elendira startles and both of them come back swinging when the doctor (who Razlo might hate a little now (no he doesn't)) clears his throat and raises his eyebrow. His single blue eye crinkles with amusement, but Razlo flushes and pulls back from Elendira and he bolts.

Kissed the pretty lady – who kissed back!!!!! Razlo's gonna Die Happy, sorry Livio!!! – and now he's gotta go! Got things to do!

If Razlo has to make some things up to do so he can do them and hide until either Livio rises again or his face stops burning, he's gonna do it. Maybe laundry! He can figure out laundry.

Razlo only pauses briefly when Elendira makes an affronted noise at something the doctor says. He's far enough away that they're hard to hear, but he's tuned to her now. Like those flora that follow the suns.

Razlo can’t turn back now, nope. He flushes anew and runs. He's not a coward, he just has a sort of working sense of self preservation and he recognizes that noise Elendira made. He can’t stay because if he stays he's gonna melt and he'll have to explain to Livio why they're dead and it'll be because Razlo thinks Elendira is Too Pretty and he died of exposure.

Like those flora that follow the suns. They'd definitely die of exposure if they weren't in the safety of the Ship's gardens.

Razlo's going to go re-clean Livio's Double Fangs and his Punisher and maybe Elendira's crossbow until he's got his head back on again. It probably won't work. It definitely won't work. But holy hell is he going to pretend it works until he's not beet red anymore.

(Kissed him back! He's gonna die! Of Happy!!!!)

#trigun #trimax #razlo the tri punisher of death #elendira the crimsonnail #livio the double fang #crimsontrip #kissies for razlo agenda #post trimax #elendira lives fics #tbh all my kissies for razlo fics are elendira lives fics #myde writes

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lunathebee · 2 years

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Pairing: bf!Steven Grant x gf!fem!reader

Warning: fluff, awkward Steven

A/n: @spicydonut25 come and get yo bf! Hes out there acting crazyy

Summary: Skating with Steven = super fun, would recommend doing it again.

"Y/n! Love! "Look at what I have" Steven is excitedly showing you an advertisement poster. He just got home from work and hasn't even taken off his jacket yet.

This is nothing new to Y/n as Steven frequently brings home anything he finds interesting. She was perplexed as to how her boyfriend could find so many things when he only took one route to work every day.

Maybe next time, her boyfriend will even bring home a puppy from nowhere. Y/n sighs in defeat while looking at what is on Steven's hand.

"New skating... open... free tickets" You mumbled out a few words while reading the poster carefully.

So this is what gets Steven so excited. He must really love ice skating, but... what about you?

"Baby, it looks interesting, but I don't know how to skate. I can't even stand straight on ice!" Y/n's face is full of nervousness while looking at Steven.

She have known him for years, but doing embarrassing things in front of your boyfriend is a no-no. No girl would put themselves in a situation like that.

Steven (being the affectionate person that he was) pulled Y/n close and encouraged her it would be a fun experience, plus he would help with the skating stuff too.

How can Y/n say no to that?

===☾︎ ☾︎ ☾︎===

"All right, now h-hold on to my shoulder, I'll guide you love." Steven is stuttering while trying his best to not laugh at how you look.

Your whole body shakes like a leaf, legs wobbling and face sweating. Steven didn't expect you to be this scared, but your grip on his shoulder proves him wrong.

"Slow- slower! I can't keep up" Y/n said while looking down. She feels like a new born baby learning how to walk for the first time.

It had only been 15 minutes and Y/n was already cursing and crying inside. Everything hurt, her legs, her foot, her back, everything!

Steven doesn't look any better, his face full of concern, and despite the fact that his shoulder hurt from your constant gripping on it, he decided to say nothing to make the situation less awkward.

After taking a few good looks at your face, Steven decided it was time to let you sit down for a bit and have a rest. It hurt him to see you in pain. "Let's get you to those benches, yea? Don't worry, you're almost there, love."

Maybe Y/n were right, this isn't a good ideal, Steven feels guilty for pushing you out of your boundaries. But the worst has yet to come.

"STEV-" *tHUMP* "Ouch..."

It all happened so quickly. Steven slipped on ice; and while he tried to wave his arm around to get the balance back, his hand accidentally hit Y/n, making her fall backward with a loud *thud* sound.

"Oh my...are you alright, dear? Oh my, I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? Please say something. You're okay, right? Technically, people can't die from a fall like this, but- heY! This is serious how could you laugh!" Steven's rant was cut off by the sound of your laughter. And even after helping you get up, you still won't stop laughing.

He thinks the fall must somehow damage your brain while you just think he is a dork and the whole situation deserves a good laugh. Of course it hurt like hell, but it is not worth fussing over your boyfriend.

"I'm okay, I'm okay! It only hurt a bit, but I'm hungry now. Can we go get something to eat?" Y/n tried to change the topic so Steven wouldn't get worried anymore, but he kept looking at her with two hands fidgeting.

"Stevie baby? Something wrong?"

"Well I wanna help you soothe the pain... but that means I will also touch your butt and I don't want you to think wrong of me! I mean it in an innocent way, I would never touch your butt without your consent-"

"STEVEN!"

"OKAY LETS GO EAT THEN"

Y/n can't help but let out another laugh, maybe their home won't need a puppy, there is already one standing in front of her here.

#steven grant x reader #steven grant x you #steven grant x y/n #steven grant my beloved #marvel moon knight #moon knight fluff #moon knight imagine #moon knight x reader #steven grant #jake lockley #marc spector #oscar isaac

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callmelyc · 11 months

Text

#2023JuLance

Week 2: Future

Tw- canon temp character death

Canon divergent

If you had told a younger lance he'd be in this position then lance would tell you you were lying. He hadn't even blinked before pushing Allura out of the way, taking the hit of the ion cannon.

Lance had barely heard his own screams over the buzzing in his ears. He couldn't feel anything yet everything all at once, the pain crawling through his veins like spidering lightning bolts.

The moment everything went dark he knew.

And it was his greatest relief...

-1-

He feels like he's floating then suddenly he's not.

The next time lance opens his eyes it's to the sunlight crawling through the windows. He blinks away the tiredness of his eyes to look around which does nothing to alleviate the confusion. Gray walls, hospital floors, fluorescents on the ceiling. This room looks like earth architecture, it looks...human.

Lance goes to sit up but is stopped by a heavy weight on his chest, what he doesn't expect to see when he looks down is a familiar mop of black hair. He fights his other arm against the IV tubes to shakily prod at Keith watching in awe as the other man just snuggles more into lances side.

"He fought the entire hospital to be in here ya know-" a voice says from the door bringing lances attention to the man standing there casually with crossed arms "he's still in recovery too but he insisted he be at your side."

Lance almost missed the man's words, he's much too distracted by the fact this man is /human/, but blushes at the smirk sent his way anyways.

"T-thats Keith for ya..." lance chuckles awkwardly turning his attention back to a sleeping Keith. Deciding he needs a distraction lance brings his free hand up to gently play with the black strands fanned across his side "always so stubborn"

While lance can't see the guy he feels the man's eyes watch him for awhile. Lance tries his best to act like the guy isn't creeping in the doorway before realizing he's moved, stepping in and holding out his hand with a kind smile "we haven't officially met yet, my name is Adam I'm one of Keith's adoptive guardians."

Lance shakes it with shocked surprise, he can't remember Keith having mentioned this before "lance-"

Adam smirks "I know, all of you are bigshots. kinda hard to miss the names"

Lance chats with him for a bit after that and decides he really likes Adam, he's smart, hilarious and sounds like he gives shiro a run for his money. But when he leaves lance is left alone with the confusion again.

He doesn't know where he is or how he got here, yet when he starts running his fingers through Keith's hair he has a feeling it's all gonna be ok.

-2-

The floating sensation is back, this time dizzying with a sharp snap back to reality.

"LANCE!" A door slams and heavy footsteps sound up the stairs "if you aren't ready I swear!"

Lance turns in his childhood bedroom only to come face to face with his sister Veronica. There's no time to feel his confusion this time, no time to be prepared for what he's looking at.

He doesn't even feel the tears spilling from his eyes, isn't even aware he's crying until her face falls in worry "Leandro what's wrong?"

"Vera-" his voice comes out so watery and broken but lance doesn't care because it leads to a hug from her. An embrace he hasn't felt for years since he became a part of Voltron. A hug he could only imagine in his dreams light-years away from the real thing.

So he burrows into the hug, nose pressed to the top of her head and arms wrapped around her so tight he might die if he lets her go. It feels so real, so tangible it only makes the tears run faster and a sob breaks free from his throat.

His sister feels so /real/.

She still has her signature scent down to her usual shampoo, the one he could barely remember the smell of anymore. The room smells like home, the temperature feels just how he remembers it and its all so much lance feels like he's drowning. But he's so so relieved...he's home...Veronica is /hugging/ him.

"Leo?" She ask again voice clearly worried "what's wrong, did Keith cancel?"

Lance sniffles , pulling back from the hug so he could look at her face. What he sees is an older Veronica than he last remembers, one with worry lines and dark circles, yet she still glows like a sunny day. He doesn't understand how this is happening-

He doesn't want it to stop...

Fighting to reign in the tears all the while ignoring how this shouldn't be possible "cancel?"

Her eyes grow confused "the date? He's coming over to meet Mami still right?"

"I-"

Veronica watches him for a while before seeming to decide on something "oh! Are you nervous? Don't worry Leandro we won't chase off your alien boyfriend-"

Lance squeaks in response unable to form words at that but she continues onwards ignoring his turmoil.

She keeps talking all the while lances mind races with /Keith boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend/

He snaps out of it when a hand pats his arm confidently "so don't get all worked up over it alright? You love him and that'll be enough for everyone else."

As she drags him down the hall, lances mind is short circuitng for another reason.

'did she just say I love him?!'

Veronica wasn't enough to have prepared him For seeing his family again, they all shared a similar worry to her when he burst into tears before she explained lance was just scared. To which they all so Lovingly reassured lance that they'd do anything to make sure he was happy after everything he'd been through. With every hug he strived to remember each of their scents and their faces that had grown blurry in his memory.

When Keith gets there he gives lance a small gift and a very sweet kiss lance thinks he'll remember forever. The best gift of the night though, is watching Keith sit at his family's dinner table smiling right alongside them.

When Keith's eyes meet lances they sparkle with amusement and so much affection lance can't help but smile back just the same.

-3-

The floating is the only gentle part of it this time, he's nauseous and feels like he's falling right alongside that floating sensation. Then, again, he's snapped into reality.

His eyes come into focus to the view of an Arizona sunset. Colors wash over the rock formations in beautiful brush strokes of orange and red but nothing is as beautiful as Keith is in this moment.

Keith is looking off into the distance, head resting on one knee he has pulled up and he looks so relaxed lance doesn't want to break the silence. So he leans into Keith, resting his head on the other man's shoulder.

Together they watch the sunset disappear leaving way for the stars to sprinkle the sky.

-4-

For the first time the floating sensation is exactly the same as the previous time. He's floating, nauseated, yet falling at the same time. When he snaps to reality this time he's at an altean dinner table.

Sitting around the table is his entire team but older. shiro with grayed hair, pidge with longer hair, hunk having grown into his features, coran and allura looking almost the exact same then there's Keith. Keith who sits next to him with an aura of joy and contentment he's never quite seen on him before.

And when Keith smiles at him it's exhilarating.

Someone makes a playful jab about them getting a room, Keith replies in rapid fire causing laughs to roar through the room. It's a happy get together, lance has never seen his space family so relaxed but all he can focus on is Allura.

Allura who is dressed like a queen, allura who has a strange glittering glow about her. He first thought it a trick of the light but with every time their eyes meet her glow becomes more prominent.

No one comments on it, lance thinks he's the only one who can see it.

It reminds lance a lot of when she'd healed the balmera or healed anything at all. It unnerved him just the same as the floating did.

Before things fade away this time Alluras stare changes, it's more serious, more focused on him and her glow is the brightest he's ever seen.

-5-

If lance thought the floating staying the same was unnerving before, he was right. It was the calm before the storm because this time there's not a drop of gentleness. He's tossed around, it feels like crash landing in one of the lions but zero gravity, it feels like being body slammed into reality.

So when he wakes this time it's more startling, lance thinks he might not stick this time yet the hands gently holding his bring his mind back down to earth.

Lance is face to face with a Keith that's looking at him so Lovingly he thinks he might just die again. Everything in his peripheral is white paired with shades of red and blue. The softness in those cosmic eyes and gentle grip grounding him are enough to make lance crumble but then he realizes Keith is speaking.

"You once said I was like the future...." Keith says and it's so /soft/ lances heart swoops "but I think, our futures lie within each other."

Before Lance can do anything there's a sharp pull, he looks down and sees his hands are glowing just like Allura had been, then he's torn away from a Keith that's holding back tears of joy.

This time when lance opens his eyes he doesn't feel the floating, the confusion or the sense of displacement. All he feels is overwhelming exhaustion and phantom pain climbing up his left side. Before he can even gather his bearings he's crushed in a relieved hug by an Allura that's not glowing.

There's tears in her eyes when she says "thank Alran-" and everything after goes so quickly.

Lance is thrown in a pod just to make sure, tears are shed, the clone shiro betrays them, the castle Is damaged,Keith comes back-

He has half a mind to ask allura about everything he saw, about how real it felt but then he'd have to explain why Keith was the center of every dream. Lance decides he's better off not knowing.

At least...not yet.

-+1-

After all these years it's finally here, their wedding day. Lance had poured over every excruciating detail down to the color of the buttons on Keith's suit jacket and it was perfect. This was the best day of his life.

Spending these last ten years with Keith had been a dream come true, they had confessed sometime after his return from the blade and stayed inseparable ever since. Keith was everything he could ever want and more- and oh God lance was gonna cry before he finished his vows!

He feels Keith squeeze his hands in support despite fighting off the tears himself, lance reaches out to wipe one away before finishing his speech "Keith, every path has lead back to you and no matter the distance I'll follow you across the universe because you're my guiding star."

Keith chuckles wet and fond before starting his own vows that make lance cry almost instantly with how sweet they are. He's a mess by the time Keith closes with "you always said I was the future...but I think our futures lie within each other."

/Click/

After dancing the night away they walk hand in hand along the shore in a peaceful silence. Suit pants rolled up to let the waves roll across their bare feet and jackets left behind to enjoy the cooler air. Perfect for thinking, perfect for remembering.

Lance remembered once that Keith explained the space whale to him and how the flashes of the future felt like dreams he couldn't touch. Lance had never told anyone about the future he saw, how real it felt, how he could feel all his senses in them so vividly.

He thinks now he finally understands, he's lived this all before, if only briefly, but now it's his to hold. So he looks at Keith pulling his husband to a stop.

"What is it?" Keith questions gently turning to face lance and rest his hands on the other man's hips.

Lance wraps his arms around Keith's shoulders with a smile "I think...our futures actually lie together."

Note: this is based on a 1am trying to sleep "what if" (pic attached of the rushed note idea) and is in a canon divergence au where the lotor bit doesn't happen, lance is really close to Veronica, they arrive to earth just as the Galra do which is why they start in the hospital in lances future snippets. Things are altered a bit to for the rest.

#lance vld #vld lance #voltron #klance #keith x lance #lance mcclain #julance #written for twitter so sorry for any punctuation mistakes #im in a rush so i will change things to be actually italicized later #hope this idea isnt too crazy and makes sense

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awkwardgtace · 6 months

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Ooooo idea:

The rumors of the dreams that connect borrowers to their loved one is still true but they mistranslated it into thinking it’s only romantic love - it could be familial and friendial (?) love! So Ian and Mik could have one since they secretly are yearning for a brotherly connection so magic poofs them a landline to each other

ok i got distracted again by other things lol. Time to respond!! Honestly this sounds like a really good idea. I have some ideas for again maybe why they're different. Since I did plan for it to include QPR and other relationships (Caprice in Melody and Kyrie's dreaming of soul mates story doesn't have one cause currently I don't have anything for him planned like that. Of course if I change then he'll change too.)

Imma do a little dump of my current lore considerations so I'll actually put it under a readmore this time :D

So this actually started something for me that I'd already considered.

I was thinking sort of about kids in this au and how since it's not always common for borrowers to be able to meet how they survive. Plus the pain and phantom feelings left behind from the dreams.

My thoughts on this became well... they can have kids. The dream is a special space that's almost physical. Just enough that it's harder, but two people capable of it can wind up having one get pregnant. It's just rare enough borrowers don't talk about it. Usually there's such a push to 'keep borrowers alive' perfect partners than can have kids will seek each other out.

So going with this let's just sayyyy Mikhail's father was a borrower, his mother a human. Father is aware the mother is human, doesn't care. Has been planning to go find her. She isn't completely sure these dreams are real, but she loves the man she met in them...

Then she's pregnant. Father finally says where he is, things are rough when she realizes the dreams are real and he fits in her hand. Terrified about their own child. Considers all the options together they decide to make this work.

Mikhail is born human size. His mother's sister is the only one aware, only other human that has met Mikhail's father. During the first night Mikhail is home after being born. He shrinks down to the size of a borrower baby. They realize the risks involved.

Same kind of background to his usual size shifter universe. Something goes wrong his parents die in a fire, as best he can remember he thinks his size shifting is how they died. (fun fact in both it isn't his fault at all. They nearly survived because of him, but his energy ran out and they protected his borrower sized body at the end cause their son)

So all of this to say, what happens to a half borrower that should have these dreams? Well... they don't function entirely the same. Now it connects to more bonds than it's supposed to. Not unheard of. Those borrowers Kaya learned about in the first story that used stairs to avoid climbing had dreams like that. The side effect of being half human; a sturdier body and heavier build. More effort to climb that copying human stairs made more sense.

All of this now comes to where Mikhail should have the dreams. Of course his aunt knows about them, but Mikhail hasn't shown interest in anyone his whole life so she doesn't think to bring it up. Suddenly he's having conversations in his dreams with someone who has some similar experiences. The longer they talk the more he feels a bond... feels this new person is almost like a brother.

All until a borrower that he'd known was in his house gets stuck and there he finds the brother he dreamed up. The one he thought was a pure figment of his imagination. Only there's Ian scared and begging for his life from the evil 'human'.

ok I went off but you gave me ideas and lemme talk about something I was already playing with. Even sorta hinted at with the borrowers that aren't built as light as Mira and Kaya :D

#awkwardanswers #gt #g/t #oc:Ian #Oc:Mik/Mikhail #smolcomfycat #sorry this took a while #games are distracting also holiday lol #i called my free time too soon haha #but yes the answer and my ideas of why and how they're different

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dysiver · 8 months

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Oh Dys, I'm still in mourning. This is misery!! What is left in this world if my king didn't even get to go out with a bang. What the absolute shit? Gojo shouldn't go out like this man, this is disrespectful. GG, let me buy the rights to jjk so I can revive my bb boi and he can pull some shit with the fraudkuna/megumi mess and then he can rest with his bf by his own choice. If my king goes out, it has to be because he got bored of living in the world where he's already god and he wants to be romantic and shit and decides to die on his bf's anniversary death date, not some shit like this. Let him be the arrogant little asshole that I love even in death, not some fraudkuna bootlicking humbling shit like "he wasn't even going all out on me" And that picture haunts me. Doing him dirty like this man? I don't want to see my man cut in half GG. Now everything is ruined and I'm in shambles and I'm so angsty as fuck that I don't know how to bring myself to watch or read this week's issues 😣 As you can tell, I'm both a simp and I'm heated so I am sorry for the rant dys. I have already literally shaken my friend so badly in anger, betrayal, sadness, disbelief that she passed out on me and now I have noone else to rant to 😔 Thing is, she is even worse off then me. She is in denial and still hasn't processed Gojo got the Toji-outfit curse treatment and got cut in half. Man, You right. This week ain't it for Gojo si- fans. Even the anime? Idk how many episodes I have to wait until I see a glimpse of him again after the sealie-do has been done 😭 I'm in pain :'<

honestly, that's still what upsets me the most LOL the way they killed him. I was ready for Gojo to die since the beginning of the fight, all gojo fans knew this, but we were having fun and booing sukuna the whole time. It is just so damn disrespectful LOL to get a fucking off-screen dead, it is legit so fucking annoying.

Like for example, Rengoku is still my favorite Demon Slayer character, by far, no one has come close to him even tho some other characters are better written, and that's because of how he died, what he did, and how it went down and it looked even better once it was animated, it make everything feel so fucking whole and made me like him even more. The way he died, mattered a lot, it make his death sad, it make people sad.

I'm not even sad that Gojo is dead, I'm fucking pissed off LMAO! I'm pissed off because we got some afterlife speech with "sukuna wasn't even really trying." bullshit while sukuna was crawling around and crying for help the whole time, like ???? you expect me to believe that gege??? cuz that's not what the fuck you wrote LOL so quit trying to make me suck that dick cuz I'm not swallowing that bullshit.

I know a lot of people are saying Gojo isn't really dead, and there are lot of theories that have evidence backing them up but I'm still never going to get over how gege wrote an off fucking screen dead for one of his most hyped characters all cuz he doesn't know how to fucking write the fucker.

Do you know what other writers do? They cripple the fuckers to keep them from being so OP. All gege had to do was cripple Gojo (which technically is part of the theories going around) and if he DOES do that, I'm still gonna be annoyed that he wrote that shit off screen even if Gojo is alive.

Nothing will fucking make any Gojo fan get over the fact that this shit was done off-screen. It is so fucking cheap.

#jjk #jjk spoilers #gojo

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rogeriswater · 9 months

Text

Don't Leave Me Now

xxxvii

tags for this chapter: p.o.v change, billy being an asshole as usual, near cheating, mentions of abuse

~m.r~

It was the beginning of our next tour. This was mostly going to be an English tour, as well as select parts of Europe. And this tour was a bit different than our previous tours due to the fact that our spouses would be joining us, which is a first. Billy was rather pleased when I told him he could come along. Olivia was helping me bring all my bags outside to get ready for when the van got here to pick up Billy, Ronnie, and I. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" I asked her.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I'll be fine. Besides, someone is going to have to stay behind and watch the house"

I smiled at her, and gave her a hug. "I'll still be sending you your pay every week"

Ronnie joined us outside, carrying her camera bag. "Pup, you sure you'll be okay going on this tour in your condition?" She asked me.

"Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't get on a stage and sing" I told her. "Besides, I'm not due until the very end of September and the tour will be done by then"

Ronnie nodded and then she stared intently at my face. She cupped my face and then ran her finger along my bottom lip. "What happened to your lip?" She asked. Shit, I didn't do a good job of covering up the split lip.

I removed her hand from me. "I was chopping vegetables and got a little too careless with the knife"

Ronnie's eyebrows furrowed. "Okay, but how—"

"Look!" I quickly interrupted her when I saw the van coming. "The van's approaching!" I went inside the house to go and get Billy. "Honey!" I called out for him. "The van is here!"

"I'm coming!" He called back to me and I could hear him coming down the stairs. I flinched when he stopped in front of me, even though he wasn't making any moves to hurt me. He scanned my face. "I'm sorry that I did this to you" He apologized, gently touching my lip. "You didn't tell anyone, did you?" I shook my head. Then he smiled. "Good" He leaned in and kissed my lips, causing me to wince from the pain.

We made our way outside where the van was parked. I saw Peter Watts and Alan Styles, two of our roadies, putting our bags in the car. "Hey Mags!" Alan greeted me.

"Hey Al! Hey Pete!" I greeted them.

"Where's Roger?" Peter asked me. "We thought for sure he'd be waiting out here with you"

I glanced over at his house. "Let me go get him" I walked over to his front door and knocked. "Rog, the vans here. We've got to go!" Nothing. I tried knocking again. "Roger! Let's go!" I knocked a third time and nothing. I sighed. Luckily I knew where he kept a spare key. I lifted the flower pot and took the spare. I unlocked the door with it and made my way inside. "Roger?" I called out again but no answer. I decided to check his bedroom, see if he was there. The door was open slightly and I heard sobs coming from inside the room. I pushed the door open further. Roger was sitting on his bed, crying into his hands. "Oh, Roger, what's wrong?" I cooed as I sat beside him.

"She doesn't want to go with me" Roger cried.

"Did Judy say she didn't want to go with you?" I asked.

"Well she hasn't moved back in with me yet, so no, I don't think she wants to fucking go with me!" Roger snapped at me, causing me to flinch. His face softened when he saw that he scared me. "Oh, sunshine, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you"

"It's okay" I told him.

Roger sighed and looked at the ring on his finger. "You know, part of me still does love her, but I don't think there's any part of her that loves me"

"Of course she does, Roger" I said. "Would she have married you if she didn't?"

Roger laughed a pained laugh. "That was before she realized what it's like actually being married to me"

"Roger, don't do that to yourself—" I said but he kept on going.

"I'm the kind of guy who's probably gonna end up with five different ex-wives in his life" He began.

"Roger, you won't have five ex-wives" I told him, taking his hand in mine. "You'll only have one, but then the next woman you marry will be with you for the rest of her life" I told him. I hope that he new I was talking about me.

Roger smiles and then rests his head on my breasts. "You know the right words to say to make a man happy and his dick hard"

"Don't be naughty, Roger!" I say, gently pushing him off of me.

"I can't help it, sunshine!" Roger says with a chuckle. "When it comes to you...fuck" He leans in and brushes his lips against my earlobe. "Believe me, it's not just about sex with you but it's hard not to want sex around you"

Hearing that sends a rush through me. Roger just makes me feel so desired. It doesn't help that I've been such a horny little bitch lately due to this pregnancy. "Roger, please don't make me want you right now. The van is waiting for us" I told him.

Roger smirks. "Got you all hot and bothered, do I?" He leans in to kiss me but he stops. His eyebrows crease in concern and he runs his thumb gently along my bottom lip. "What did you do?"

"Oh, I had a little mishap with a knife as I was chopping vegetables" I said. I could tell Roger didn't quite believe me, but he didn't dare press it any further. "Let's get to the van, yeah? It's waiting for us"

~r.w~

I wasn't too convinced that my sunshine hurt her lip from an accident in the kitchen. I bet it has something to do when I saw her running out of the house with her face all bloodied that one night when she ran across the street to Fred's house. I feel like Billy might have had something to do with that, but I didn't want to press Maggie about it. If he ever did something like that to her, I'd want her to come talk to me about it.

Maggie and I get on the van with the others. While I'm hoping she was going to sit next to me, of course she took her seat next to Billy. I was hoping he wasn't coming along. He gave me a glare as I walked past him and Maggie. I found an empty seat next to Ronnie. "Hi Roger" She greeted me. "Someone doesn't look too happy"

"I'm obviously not fucking happy if he's here" I said, motioning towards Billy, who was busy kissing Maggie now. I wonder if he was doing that just to rub it in my face. "Steve found out about Mags and I, and now he's got us on a tight leash"

"I'm sure she's not happy he's here either" Ronnie assured me. "She'd rather be with you"

"Why didn't Sandy come?" I asked.

"She had a modelling gig in New York. Why didn't Judy come?"

I rubbed my hands on my thighs. "I don't think she wanted to be stuck with me for seven months"

"I'll try to keep Billy away from Maggie as much as I can, alright?" Ronnie said.

"Thanks, Ronnie" It was nice to know I have a good friend like Ronnie to count on.

...

Our first stop was in Chesterfield. We got to our hotel and got our rooms. Ronnie and I were made roommates, and we would be for the rest of this tour. I didn't mind though, however, I would've preferred to be with Maggie but certain circumstances didn't make that possible. "I'm sorry that you're stuck with me" Ronnie said.

"Oh, I'm not—"

Ronnie waved her hand. "Roger, I know you'd much rather be with Maggie"

I sigh. "I'm sorry"

She gave me a smile. "It's alright. I saw a bar in the hotel lobby. I'll leave you be for a bit and go grab a drink or two"

"Actually, could I join you?" I asked.

"I don't see why not"

...

Ronnie and I went down to the hotel's bar. We took a seat at an empty booth. "I just realized that you and I haven't spent quality time together like this" Ronnie mentioned.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose you're right"

"Do you want anything to drink? I'll go get them" She asked. I told her my drink of choice. Ronnie left for several minutes, and when she came back, she set a bottle of beer in front of me, and colorful drink for herself. "I think someone likes you" Ronnie said.

I turned my head to see who Ronnie was referring to. A blonde woman, closely resembling Maggie, was making eyes at me. I turned back to Ronnie. "It would seem she does" I said, taking a sip of my beer.

"Aren't you going to talk to her?" Ronnie asked me.

"I'm not talking to another girl that isn't Maggie" I stated firmly.

"Roger, I'm not saying you have to sleep with her. I don't think Maggie would be too upset if you just went up to her and said hi"

I sighed. "You're going to keep nagging me until I do, aren't you?"

Ronnie smiled mischievously at me. "Yep!"

I grabbed my beer and got up from the table. I made my way over to the woman who was sitting at the bar. "Is this seat taken?" I asked the woman, gesturing to the empty seat beside her.

She looked up at me. Her red lips curled into a smile. "Please, sit" She said. Her accent was American. She must have been visiting. I sat in the seat. "I'm Nicole, by the way"

"Roger" I introduced myself.

Nicole brought the straw of her drink up to her lips. "So, what brings you here Roger?"

"I should be asking you that" I said to her. "You're the one with the American accent"

Nicole chuckled. "My boyfriend brought me here to see some band he heard was doing a tour"

That piqued my interest. I raised my eyebrows. "Yeah? Which band?"

"It's one I've never heard of before, but he's mad about" Nicole explained. "It's called Pink Floyd or something like that" I almost laughed. If only she knew who she was talking to. "Honestly, I think he just wants to get with their lead singer" Nicole sighs as she runs her hands through her hair. "He never shuts up about her"

"I don't blame him" I said. "Maggie Fox is quite the stunner"

Nicole raised an eyebrow. "You've heard of them, then?"

I smirked. "Indeed I have. I'm actually going to their show tonight

Nicole smiled again. "Perhaps I'll see you there then" She pulled a pen out of her purse and grabbed a napkin. She wrote something on it and then handed it over to me. It was a room number. "Come see me after the show"

"What about your boyfriend?" I asked.

"We got separate rooms" Was all she said before leaving the bar.

I grabbed the napkin with her room number and brought it back over to the table with Ronnie. I sat back down with her. "So, what did you two talk about?" She asked me.

I put the napkin in front of Ronnie. "She invited me to come to her room later"

Ronnie's smile faded. "You're not going to, are you?"

"No fucking way!" I said, now feeling guilt for even talking to Nicole in the first place. "I'm not doing that to Maggie"

"Good, because then I'd have to murder you" Ronnie jokingly threatened me. "So, at least tell me this girl's name"

"Her name is Nicole" I answered. "Funny enough, her boyfriend dragged her here all the way from America just see Pink Floyd"

Ronnie chuckled. "Did you tell her that you're, in fact, Roger Waters, bassist for Pink Floyd?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "I didn't. She's going to be in for one hell of a surprise"

...

Our show tonight was at St. James Hall. I was in my dressing room, getting ready when I heard a knock on my door. I opened the door, and I was happy when I saw that it was Maggie. I couldn't help but notice what she was wearing. It was a shiny, see through dress. She had a pair of shorts on underneath and her tits were covered, but fuck, if it didn't still make my cock begin to throb. "You look fucking sexy as hell" I told her.

"Even if I'm getting fat?" Maggie asked as she stepped into the room.

"Sunshine, you're not fat" I assured her. "Trust me, there's nothing sexier to a man than seeing a woman pregnant with his child"

Maggie smiled and sat down on the couch, crossing a leg over her knee. Even in stockings, her legs looked fucking sexy. She beckoned me to come closer to her, which I did. "You know why I'm here, yeah?" She said suggestively.

I chuckled. "I have a pretty good idea"

She began to unzip my pants. "Having Billy here isn't gonna stop us from performing our before show ritual" Before she could get my pants off, there was another knock on the door. Maggie cursed and then she quickly went to hide behind the couch.

I walked over to the door again and opened it. Just my luck, it was Billy the asshole. "Have you seen Maggie?" He asked me.

"No, I haven't" I lied. "She isn't in her dressing room?"

"She was" Billy said. "Then I leave for five minutes, I come back and she's gone"

"I'm sure she's around somewhere" I said.

I tried to close the door but he stopped me. "Wait, can I get your opinion on something?"

I sighed, and invited him in. "I suppose" I was only agreeing to this to keep him distracted long enough to give Maggie a chance to leave the room without being seen. I brought him over to a part of the room where he wouldn't see her. "What could you possibly be wanting my opinion on?"

"It's about Maggie" Billy said. I already had a feeling it wasn't anything good to say about her, and that's why I was relieved when I saw her leave.

"What about Maggie?"

"I don't know if you've seen what she's wearing tonight, but it's quite revealing" He said. Yeah, I saw where this conversation was going.

"And?" I raise an eyebrow.

"She just...shouldn't be dressing like that"

"A man usually likes it when his wife wears things like that"

"Yeah, in private only for the husband to see" Billy scoffs. "But parading around in skimpy outfits like that on stage in front of how many people?"

"And...?"

"It's just going to give people the wrong idea about her"

I glared at him. "And what idea would that be?"

"That she's a whore who sleeps around with other men" The way he just said it casually and without a single thought angered me. I wanted to punch him in the face right then and there.

"She's not a whore!" I defended her. I don't think I've ever heard a husband speak about his wife this way, ever. Even I would never speak about Judy this way.

Billy just started to laugh. "You don't have to cover for her. I know she sleeps around when I'm gone. I doubt that baby is even mine"

It broke my heart hearing the way he was talking about her. That he was just so careless of her. These weren't the words of a man in love. These were just the words of a man who wanted a pretty decoration for his home. "Then why don't you just leave her?" I asked.

"Because she's mine and she always be" Billy said rather darkly. "She can sleep around all she likes. At the end of the day, she still belongs to me" He pat me on the shoulder like I was his buddy, but right now, I was the furthest thing from. "Anyways, back to the outfit thing, I was hoping you could talk to her and see if she'll wear things that actually cover her up"

"Look, I can't tell her what she can and cannot wear" I said bluntly. "Frankly, I don't give a fuck what she wears"

"That's because you want to fuck her" Billy snapped at me. "Just talk to her. She'll listen to you" To my relief, he left. I was astounded at all that he had said about her, but was I surprised? No. Maggie would have to know all the things he said about her but I would tell her after the show. I don't want her getting distracted during the show.

...

I found it really hard to focus and play during the show for two reasons. One: all those things Billy said about Maggie just clouded my brain. Two: Maggie and I didn't get to have our pre-show ritual. I kept messing up. The audience didn't seem to notice, but my bandmates definitely did. I guess having Maggie suck my cock before every show really did help me play better. Once we finished our last song, took a bow, and walked off the stage, Steve approached me. "What happened out there?" He asked. I'm guessing our dear manager also noticed my mistakes.

I shrugged. "Guess I'm just distracted"

Steve sighed. "Just try not to be distracted on the next show, yeah?"

When he walked away, then Maggie approached me. "Is everything okay, sweetheart?" She put her hand on my cheek and I melted into her touch. "You've never messed up before"

"I guess our pre-show rituals do help me perform better" I smirked.

Maggie giggled and bit her lip. "Well, we can still do our after-show ritual"

I didn't even bother making sure no one was around when I was leaning in to kiss her. However, our lips didn't get to meet as someone had called out my name. "Roger!" To my surprise, it was Nicole. She brandished a backstage pass around her neck. "When you told me I'd be seeing you at the show, this is not what I was expecting"

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Maggie asked, and I could sense some jealousy in her tone. I shouldn't smirk at that but I did.

"Oh, I'm Nicole! I met Roger earlier at the bar today"

Maggie gave her a forced smile. "Nice to meet you, Nicole. I'm Maggie"

"I can see why my boyfriend never shuts up about you" Nicole says. "Let me find him and bring him over!" She left us to go find her boyfriend.

Maggie turned to me, crossing her arms over her chest. "So, who is she, Roger?" I could tell she wasn't trying to sound jealous.

"I went out for drinks with your sister earlier and I met Nicole at the bar" I explained. "Nothing happened between us"

"Do you want to fuck her?" She asked me.

I was hurt that she would even ask me that. "No, Maggie. Absolutely not" I put my hand to her cheek. "I can't imagine myself being like that with any other woman but you"

"I mean..." Maggie paused, unsure of whether or not she should continue. "If you wanted to..."

I knew where this was heading. "Sunshine, please, don't even finish that sentence"

"Roger, let me finish" She said. "If you want to fuck her, then I'm not going to stop you" Why was she even saying this!?

"Maggie, I don't even want her!" I protested.

"I don't want you to be lonely just because I'm stuck with Billy, okay?"

I shook my head. "I'm not lonely. Your sister is my roommate"

"Roger, you know that's not what I mean" She said softly. She sighs and takes my hand in hers. "Billy has me on a tight leash, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to sneak away from him. Believe me, I want to, but—"

"I understand" I told her. Tell her, Roger. Tell her what he told you. But for some reason, I couldn't tell her. "You sure you won't be upset if I have sex with Nicole?"

Maggie smiles and shakes her head. "No. Besides, I know at the end of the night, I'm the one you love"

I return her smile. "You know it, sunshine"

Nicole had come back, only this time, she had her boyfriend in tow. She introduced him as Chris. Chris and Maggie got to talking, though I know she was doing it just to be polite. "You know, that offer to come to my room still stands" Nicole said.

I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. But, it's not like I was interested in having sex with Nicole. I could just talk with her. "I'll take you up on that offer" I said.

...

Nicole and I made our way back to the hotel and she brought me up to her room. "Here we are" She said as we walked inside. The two of us sat down on the bed together. "So..."

I forced a smile. "So" It already felt wrong being alone with another woman like this. Maybe I should just leave. This evening had other plans in store though. Nicole put her hand on my face and pulled me into a kiss. And I felt...nothing. Her lips were too chapped for me. They weren't soft and supple like Maggie's were. I kissed her back, however, just to make her happy.

Nicole pulled her face back and she had a pleased smile. "That was nice"

"Yeah" I muttered. I was trying my best to feign interest in Nicole. She didn't seem to notice that my interest wasn't genuine.

She pulled her shirt off over her head, revealing her breasts to me. Normally, the sight of a nice pair would be enough to get me going, but she wasn't doing anything for me. There wasn't even a stir in my pants. Maggie's tits were hard to beat. "You know, I've never fucked a rock star before" Nicole purred, attempting to seduce me. She got down on her knees in front of me. She tried to undo my pants but I stopped her.

"Can we skip that please?" I said to her. Sucking my cock was a special privilege that only Maggie got. "I just want to get straight to the fucking if you don't mind"

Nicole seemed disappointed. "Oh, alright then"

"From behind if you don't mind" I know that was rather demanding of me, but if I was going to get any enjoyment out of this, it's easier to picture Maggie when I'm not looking at another woman's face. Nicole took the rest of her clothes off, and I took mine off as well. She got on the bed on her hands and knees. I got behind her. "Just give me a moment" I said. I wasn't hard enough to enter her. I took my cock in my hand and stroked it until I got hard.

I could tell she was getting impatient. "Roger, we don't have to do this if you don't want to" She told me. I ignored her and entered her. She let out a moan. I began to thrust. I thought fucking her from behind would help me imagine Maggie, but I couldn't. This wasn't the pussy that was made for me. Maggie's cunt had a certain warmth and snug feeling that no other girl could replicate. I put little effort into my thrusts. What was the point of I even wasn't getting any pleasure from this? At least Nicole was enjoying it, but I just couldn't do this. I gave up and pulled out of her. I got off the bed and started getting dressed. Nicole turned around and sat on the bed, staring at me with a dumbfounded expression. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"I can't do it, Nicole" I said. "It's nothing against you but if it's not with her, it doesn't feel right"

I thought Nicole would be mad, but instead, she seemed sympathetic. "It's Maggie, isn't it?"

"How did you know?"

"When you were on stage, I was watching you" Nicole began to say. "And I saw how you were looking at her. I've never seen a man look at a woman with so much love in his eyes"

I sighed. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Nicole"

Nicole shook her head. "You didn't disappoint me. I understand, Roger. You're a man who can't get enjoyment out of sex unless it's with the woman he loves. I think that's rather sweet"

I gave her a smile. "Thanks"

"Now, what are you still doing here with me when you should be with that beautiful woman of yours?" Nicole said. I didn't waste another minute before dashing out of Nicole's room.

...

I found myself in front of Maggie and Billy's room. I didn't give a fuck if Steve saw me waiting outside her room, and scolded me for it later. I don't give a fuck if Billy answers and decides to beat the shit out of me. I just need Maggie. I knocked on the door. I was relieved when it was my sunshine who answered. "Roger?" She seemed surprised to see me. "I thought you were with Nicole"

I peeked into the room. "Is Billy in here?"

"No, he's down at the bar and I feel like he's gonna be there all night" She told me. That was the only answer I needed before I barged in and took Maggie in my arms, giving her the most passionate kiss I could give her. I picked her up and carried her over to the bed. She was a little heavier due to the baby, but not so much that I couldn't lift her up. I gently placed her on the bed, and then got on top of her. I broke the kiss, just so I could stare at her heavenly face. Her blonde hair was spread around her head like a halo worn by an angel. "You're supposed to be with Nicole"

"I couldn't do it" I said. "I can't have sex with another woman unless it's you, Maggie. That's how much I love you"

"Roger, that's both the sweetest and hottest thing that I've ever heard" She told me. There it was. That stirring in my pants. Maggie was the only woman who could me hard just by looking at her. I began kissing her neck. "Mhm, you didn't let her suck your cock, did you?"

"Fuck no, darling" I said. "You're the only one who gets that privilege" I got off of her and stood on my knees. "Speaking of which" I put my hand on the zipper of my pants.

"No, let me" She insisted. I smirked, taking my hand off of my zipper. It was soon replaced with her own. She looked at me with those sultry eyes as she pulled the zipper down and pulled out my cock. "Pretty as always"

I chuckled. "God, I love you so fucking much"

...

Let's just say I was more than satisfied when I went back to mine and Ronnie's room. I tried to be quiet when closing the door, but I woke up Ronnie anyways. She turned on the lamp on her bedside table. "It is nearly four o'clock in the morning, Roger. Where have you been?" I didn't answer her, I just gave her a smile. "Please tell me you weren't with that girl. I'll fucking kill you if you were"

"I was with Maggie" I answered. "I tried to have sex with Nicole, I'll be honest, but I couldn't go through with it"

"Did you tell Maggie?" Ronnie asked.

"I did" I said, sitting down on my own bed. "I don't think I'm interested in sex with anybody unless it's with Maggie. I'm telling you Ronnie, when her and I make love, it's just—"

"I don't need to hear the details!" Ronnie said.

"Sorry, it's just, in the early days when we were just starting out, before I ever met Maggie, I would jump at the opportunity to have sex with any woman that just looked my way" I said.

"And what about Judy?" Ronnie asked me. "She's your wife, Roger. You can't go without having sex with your wife"

I was hoping that Judy would get bored of our sex life, in turn becoming bored of me. If that happened, then she wouldn't want to stay with me anymore. I just didn't want to be the one that initiates the divorce. I didn't want to be the heartbreaker because I knew she still loves me, at least a little part of her anyways. If I could slowly make her fall out of love with me, then she'll be the one to leave me. "I don't think she wants to stay with me anyways" I said. "She didn't even want to come on this tour with me, which is why I'm stuck rooming with you, no offence"

"None taken"

Those memories of seeing Maggie running out of her house all bloodied flooded my mind. I think her own sister deserved to know. "Ronnie, there is something I want to mention, but you can't tell Maggie that I told you this"

"What is it?"

"The night she returned home from staying with me, I saw her running out of the house with a bloodied face" I said. I could see the colour drain from Ronnie's face. "Maggie hasn't said anything to me, but there's only one way she could've gotten all bloodied like that"

"I'm going to kill the fucking son of a bitch!" Ronnie seethed. She got up to leave, ready to find Billy but I stopped her. "Roger, let go of me! That piece of shit hurt my sister!"

I held Ronnie by the shoulders. "You have every right to be angry with that fucker, believe me, I am too"

"Then let me go beat the shit out of him!"

"Ronnie, no" I said softly, trying to calm her down. "Besides, if anyone is going to beat the shit out of him, it's going to be me. And that's only going to be when Maggie tells me"

Ronnie sighs, sitting back down on the bed, putting her face in her hands. "Roger, I've witnessed my mother being abused. I know how it works. Maggie is never going to tell you. Hell, our own mother tells us she's not being abused, even when we see that asshole beating the shit out of her"

"Maggie is different, Ronnie. I know if she's going to tell anyone, it's going to be me" I assured her.

"And how can you be so sure that Maggie will be any different from my mother?" I know Ronnie didn't say that to be mean or angry. It was coming out of a place with fear.

"Because, Maggie is the strongest woman I've ever known. I trust her, and you should too"

Ronnie wiped her tears from her face. "You're right, Roger" Her hand grabbed mine. I knew it wasn't meant as a romantic gesture, but rather coming from a place of comfort. "Roger, promise me, you'll do everything you can to keep her safe from him"

I squeezed Ronnie's hand in return. "I promise, for as long as she's with me, I'm not gonna let anyone else hurt her" I've made many promises in my life, and I've broken my fair share of them, but that was the one promise I would keep close to my heart until the day I die. For as long as she is with me, Maggie Waters will have nothing but the love and affection she truly deserves from the one person who truly does love her with all my heart. And yes, I did call her Maggie Waters. She may not be my wife yet, but she will be soon.

#roger waters #roger waters x ofc #roger waters fanfiction #pink floyd #pink floyd fanfiction #maggie robinson #dlmn #my oc

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meili-sheep · 2 years

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diluc event / hidden strife spoilers below!!

Alice's letter to diluc left me a crying sobbing mess i can't do this

I'm just gonna drop it here, feel free to not answer or read this ask if you don't want spoilers, the letter is below:

To the heir of the Ragnvindr Clan,

I apologize for sending this letter without notice. You may not remember me, but we've met a few times.

We've met near the square, when I sat at the table adjacent to yours in Good Hunter, and I've seen you in your tavern. You were always busy with a great many things, especially back when you were much chattier than you are now. You spoke cheerfully and often with your brother and friends then. It's probably no surprise that you did not notice me then, but I've always had my eye on you, child.

I recall with crystal clarity how my little Klee once made a complete mess of your vineyard while she was trying to catch Crystalflies there... But you didn't get angry. In fact, you personally escorted Klee back and even gave her a few bottles of fresh grape juice.

Now I think that might jog your memory, yes?

Klee recently told me she "hasn't seen that strange man with the red hair in aaages," so I decided to look into it out of curiosity.

My deepest condolences regarding your father.

In many of the stories I've been told, you are the model knight: proud, driven, a knight of noble character and lineage. But I know that you're gentler than you appear. If you weren't, you wouldn't have treated Klee the way you did.

And since you helped my child out, I hope you won't mind if I treat you as if you were my own.

Therefore, I sincerely hope that you will leave the dark place you are presently in, and that you will not wallow in greif and remorse. Partings are most painful things, but they also encourage us to grow. A bird that has lost the roof over its head will fly further than others of its kind.

Go out and see the world. That's the best course of action I can envision. Only by feeling, observing, and listening, can your heart be healed.

Parents all wish that they can accompany their children forever, and the skies, seas, and stars all bear witness to that oath. Everything that was your father now finds new life with you. That which you will experience in this world may have been things that your father experienced once upon a time. I hope the wind will bring you all manner of wondrous things in your journeys to come.

In any case, keep your chin up, young child.

Let me start by saying that this is the most tender, heartfelt letter in this mondstadt.

The path of wallow and greif,,,diluc was literally spiraling in all that guilt and pain, all alone. He lost his father, his brother told him he's a spy, he's been betrayed by the knights and lost all his friends.

This letter was exactly what he needed, he was in a dark period and then someone showed up, even by a letter, and kinda pulled him out of it with tender words and genuine understand.

This is the guidance one needs during a period of greif, Childe didn't have this guidance when he was all alone in the abyss, Ei didn't have this guidance when she lost all her loved ones. Those two, without support and guidance lost themselves and made decisions hurtful to themselves and others.

Diluc got the guidance that prevented him from ending up like these two.

I can imagine sitting on the floor of his room and crying over the letter because yes, someone held out a hand for him.

I can't so this anymore..

-🦋

Here is the thing that stricks me.

Diluc's mother is never mentioned, so we can assume he'd never had a mother-like person in his life. I love Adelinde, and I know she cares for Diluc, but I feel she would try, but an unintentional professional boundary would keep her from acting too motherly.

And in that letter.

He got something he's never had before. That motherly care. Alice has no reason to be reaching out to him with this much concern and affection. Because there isn't any way, he thinks of helping Klee out more than just doing what he normally does.

I also want to imagine that after she got his letter back. Alice stopped by the manor to help Diluc ready. To make sure he was ready to go out into the world and do it safely. Like she even gives him a tent and teaches him out to do some basic cooking over a campfire. And even goes as far as to talk him out of stone gate before sending him off into the world.

And it just really ended up as the little hope Diluc had to keep himself going.

As for Childe and Ei. I don't think their stories would have really changed much with a letter like Alices. Mostly because Childe's trauma was totally accidental, and in some ways, the abyss fundamentally changed him as a person. I think his family still did their best to love and support him. It was just something beyond most mortals.

And Ei. Unlike Diluc and Childe, Ei was not a child. And she still had Ye. She had her people. And I sort of put her alongside Kaeya where I understand her actions and that she, in a moment of trauma, made a selfish decision that resulted in causing harm to others. And I don't think anyone reaching out to her sooner would have changed anything. She needed to want the change herself.

#sorry #alice is Diluc's mother figure now #i don't make the rules #diluc ragnvindr #diluc #diluc headcanons #alice #alice genshin #alice headcanons #childe #tartaglia #ei #raiden ei

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200daystoanything · 6 months

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The Imminent End

November 14th, 2023

Day 1 of the Journey to the Beginning or End of Anything at All

(I write this blog five days later)

I needed a kick in my ass, something to motivate me to do what I needed to do. Our family's mission has been bottlenecking to these moments right now, where I just had to put the pieces in place, so we could go and finally relax for the next 6 months. It had been two weeks of saying we would be gone from my mom's property in 2-3 days. I was done, my husband Banjo was done, our 10-year-old son Jethro was missing contact with other kids, our 15-month-old Jazzlyn was doing just fine, my mom AKA Yaya, was enjoying our company more than I realized. We had been saying how grateful we were for her putting up with our 40-foot school bus in her driveway and our personal belongings taking up space in every single nook and cranny of her house and property. But when we left, when we finally left (the 17th), she was obviously stricken with sadness at how a part of her heart would be taken with us when we took our little family of four south for the winter.

Banjo's mom, a beautiful, powerful, magical woman, the matriarch of our family and traveling caravan of do-gooders, passed away during her second open heart surgery on December 27th, 2023. She was 57 years old. It broke our hearts and we are still mending every day from the void she left.

I know, I know, there is a lot of broken hearts right now, isn't there? Yes, the beginning of this journey is certainly a painful one, as are the beginnings or ends of most things in this life.

So, you know what we are dealing with at this point. Where we are coming from. We acquired most of Mumzee's belongings when she passed and we had been trying to transmute - a fancy word Mumzee liked to use a lot - the feeling of being overburdened by things, to the feeling of gratitude for the opportunity to organize, bundle and disperse these beautiful things that she and we, had spent our entire lives collecting.

Trying hasn't been good enough... we want to change the world. We already have, as we cannot help but to exist and change the world around us, but we need to make big change and quickly.

So, there I was, staring at the piles and piles of things we decided we wanted to work on for the winter, to relax and finally enjoy ourselves. I need something to motivate me to do this thing I've been doing for nearly a year... and there it came. A message on messenger from a dear friend.

"Yo. WW3 is imminent now. We need to have a plan in place for nuclear fallout."

This message was the beginning of a series of thoughts being thrown back and forth, as my emotions got progressively more intense.

I have spent my entire life, feeling it in my bones, seeing the end of times in dreams monthly, that I might in fact, witness a catastrophic end to mankind in my lifetime. I have also spent my entire life wanting to make great change, remove mass amounts of carbon dioxide from the air, encourage recycling habits in corporate locations, clean trash from oceans and save wildlife from dying by manmade materials, etc.

This wasn't a shock. I'd heard people speaking about this, slipping through the cracks of FB algorithms and in conversations about politics and the levity of the decisions being made in the warzones. But there I was, looking at our escape vehicle, our home, and I was in shambles. I was shaking with anxiety and going back and forth trying not to lose my damn mind. This wasn't the first time I had found myself, with my OCD tendencies, displaying this type of behavior over the last 10 months. I reacted like this for about an hour.

"I need to bring at least a bow and some arrows." "Where is that excess supply of first aid body wraps?" "I need to buy my family a supply of food in case the country start rationing their food." "I don't even know how to sail..."

"I need to calm the fuck down or I am going to hurt myself." "But what if nothing happens and the threat of a world war is just that? Like it has been for years. A threat. Talk. Fear." "Where is my brain going? I have always believed that I manifest my reality, so if I carry on like this, will my thoughts spill to the next person and so forth, and my fears actually create a war?!

Okay, so if my thoughts create my reality, I can create any future I want... I am reminded of my 200 day blog. Every day was a coin toss. I die soon, or I live out my life. Doing that blog really caused me to take action.

What if..."

Well, obviously today is Day 1. In my previous blog I think I had planning to start a few days later, I don't quite recall. Why would I start this on any other day, but the day I received the news? A radiant beam of information appeared before me and I had the opportunity to believe it or to not, and to live my life as such.

Time to reel the family into this.

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lolosrollercoaster · 8 months

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Grief is fcking weird.

TW: DEATH, GRIEF, MENTAL HEALTH ETC (take all the TW and run away from this now, I rambled and went to it all and the last thing I want is for this to trigger someone. I only wrote this to express myself not to hurt anyone with my pain). Welp. Let me just start this off by saying - If anyone ever finds this - It's 7:51am and I haven't slept a wink... it's also the 1yr anniversary of the death of my favourite person... which is probably why I haven't slept a wink. So if this gets super incoherent then let it - because I just need to ramble for a moment. I tend to prefer creative writing to this blog/letter/diary type of style, and man is that probably why I suck at dealing with certain things (read: most things). In fact its probably one of the reasons why I've been so fucking frozen in time for almost 3 years, guess all the years of overthinking amplified and brought things to a complete halt. so yup - I've been completely stuck. And there hasn't been enough media, enough imagination or creativity etc to get me to do anything. Was it the pandemic? was it my penchant for overindulgence in all of it that finally stopped working as a coping mechanism and became one of the beams that now holds me down joining the rest of my collapsed psyche that now pin me to the ground? honestly who knows - but maybe I'll address that in another post- because today is about one issue, and that is GRIEF. what a fun little word - and yet so bad at encompassing what it can mean. I mean I feel like we're honestly just starting to get each other despite the fact that I think I've had it in my bag all these years. And man can it mean so much even in the same context if it's with different people? like you think you know what to expect but really (trust me) you don't. I feel like it should be in the human starter kit - the manual - that you absolutely don't know anyone until you've seen them grieve...or even worse- had to grieve alongside them. Like the fact that you never have felt closer yet farther from those people that share this common loss. Oof - if you had told me the whole "anger" part could mean "you're never speaking to this B*tch again" and part of it is mostly because you're angry on the behalf of someone who is already gone or because they made you bring that negative energy to them during their last few hours? I would've thought you were exaggerating. But nope - here I am, 365 days later still thinking - ONE DAY - I will let this person know how fucked up they are- but not today - because the person who died was my abuelita, and the b*tch is my tia - and honestly I can just see my abuelita being mad at me for being mad at my tia. Actually that's a lie - my abuelita could hold grudges when necessary, but she never got mad at me - I think she'd be more disappointed which is somehow worse. But see, anger, grief, rage? they make no sense. Because here I am still pissed af at my tia, a whole year later, and still I haven't called her a b*tch to her face - because my dead abuelita wouldn't like it if I said it. Even if she was actually being a b*tch ( that being said I'm human - so of course I've vented to everyone I know and gotten reassured) and everything she did prior to my abuelita's passing was cruel, stupid, wrong, and absolutely not ok (glad I can at least say that with certainty).

But anyways - Grief is cruel - and aloof, and odd. Grief has pulled me further from my mom than closer to her. More resentful. And it's funny because it's like it's brought out every quality I know my Abuelita would not want out of me. Honestly I might be in my villain era (or at least it feels that way - since I've decided to be strong and set boundaries - and enforced them... in a family where boundaries are non-existent... I might as well be).

But see the grief of her death came at me at the worst possible time. I know, come on universe? can't you check my calendar before you set me up for another one of these eternal redirections/world flipping moment/life "lessons" - and can we please discuss a maximum quota per decade? or at this point per year? I don't think I have the bandwidth for anything else at this point. (please don't take me typing that as a taunt or invitation! I'm good, I swear!)

You see, for some reason I guess the universe decided 2022 ( a year of my favourite numbers) was meant to be my most tested year yet - so much so that it started off with a serious accident for my dad, which happened on the day I was home after quitting the job from hell, on the first month of the year and didn't truly let up from there. By the 3rd week of 2022 I was catatonic - see, I guess 2 can play at that game and my brain+body+soul all collectively decided I needed a time out... so I just clocked out. for a month (?) I still cant tell you. but I guess I had what y'all call a little mental/nervous breakdown? ... anyways by march I was talking again, so I guess that's good - I mean at least basic communication, I wouldn't say I was out in the world, nope that took some more therapy, and A LOT of convincing from pretty much anyone who could try. And of course, given that I was bed bound, and not actively taking care of myself everything afterwards felt pretty much exactly how you'd expect it. Which was incredibly demoralizing - feeling like a zombie, unsure as to why you're alive to find that what little you appreciated about yourself is also not in shape atm - had to cut off all my hair, so that was fun... then more little issues came up, dental problems, and health problems, etc. Oh and on top of it all I had finally caved and filled one of those little mental health assessments (obviously had to lol I had stopped functioning- that was probably not a good indicator). And that led to seeing how much stigma still exists in the medical field for patients. Truly loved that. (I've worked on my mental heath for years but never fully put it all on "paper" fearing the stigma. preferring to have it be known but not written down for fear of how it could affect me - and unfortunately not even 6months later I got to experience it - gotta say it was also lk just the full meal: super fun & humiliating, y'know? even worse than what my overthinking brain had dreamt up so 11/10! great job to all involved!) But anyways, grief! that was also something I gained from my mental breakdown! who would've thought! ... definitely not me!

so anyways, I'm unemployed, living @ my parents house - parent's who definitely don't know how to deal with my mental health, they didn't know for the first decade, maybe its too much for me to expect them to know now going into the 2nd one 🤣 but yeah - idk they somehow kept me alive and here, so they definitely did something right. I gotta give props there! this is one crisis they didn't purposely start and stuck through to the end and provided what I actually needed at the time so 🎉 ( I know I sound like an asshole, but this whole mental breakdown and previous # of mental shithole years have provided me with an insane amount of introspection and reflection on my childhood which... surprisingly 🙄... didn't give me less to be angry about but more 🎉 I'm still unraveling it all, but I've definitely got enough content to keep a therapist employed for a while.) WHICH is a fun next point... access to mental health services ... why is is so fucking hard? man also so expensive when you're employed, even if you live in a country with "universal healthcare". The therapist my mom helped me get with (yay mom!) was with a service that didn't charge me too much, based on a sliding scale, and well I was unemployed and mentally broken, so income was low (thanks for 2021 Lolo for keeping some savings) so at least I could afford it ish but it turns out they worked based on "goals" and my goal in March was to get up from my bed... and hopefully make it outside my room, then eventually outside my door to actually breathe non-recycled air... maybe actually see some other human beings outside of the ones that live with me (or see them more often at least!) eventually be sort of a functioning human again.

And then my teeth got fucked and my abuelita was sick all at once - and my family is not in this country, so we thought ok - lets fly home (10+hrs air journey)... and also lets bring my 13yr old pupper - because my abuelita loved her, and this might be her last chance to go home and see that fam. Also she has separation anxiety and all 3 of us were going (yeah I'm also an only child, unless you count the pupper as my sibling, which sometimes we do). So anyways - here we go - Four anxiety ridden overthinkers on a sad journey to see their fam - it was as insane as it probably sounds - my mom thinking about her mom, in denial of the situation, and also forgetting she had promised to take responsibility for the puppers, me trying not to break down again bc ppl, airports, anxious/stressful parents who always freak out during travel and turn to you for calmness but now you're the stressed one - overwhelmed pup bc its a long ass air journey and she doesn't love being confined to a carrier and would rather be on our laps or roaming the cabin.... yup. Also I needed a root canal - so I was in PAIN. But my tia is in dentistry and it would be a much better job + price back home anyways so it was worth the craziness.

And then I got home - and I saw her. And I lost it. And my dad lost it and that's also when I knew ok well we're fucked. Because my mom is the one that had kept it together this year - she was the one who had to care for us and now it was her rock who was about to leave her. But my mom was in DENIAL. See my mom believes in miracles, but to the point where she expects them to happen regardless of reality and if there's one thing she was never going to do was give up hope in this particular case. But that also meant we had absolutely no idea how it would hit her once it happened - and as much as my abuelita and my mom taught me to believe in miracles, I unfortunately couldn't see one here. See life beat me into becoming a realist, and I worked in healthcare for a while too so there was only so much my brain would allow me to deny or have any type of hope.

Hell, I thought I would be able to handle it better because I'd seen death now more than once. But nothing prepares you to loose your favourite person, specially not when they're suffering and slowly withering away. And I think that's what pisses me off the most still. I held the hands of strangers, I sat with them through their worst times, their last few days. But from the moment I saw her - I knew I couldn't. And in some act of bravery, or dumbfuckery - I did it again - I talked my brain into compartmentalizing it, into rationalizing it, into ensuring I would be present for her. I don't regret that, don't get me wrong - I would hate myself more if I had walked away that first day and never gone back. But in shutting myself off from my feelings regarding it - in minimizing it - because I just told myself "how could I do this for strangers and not for her?" I shut myself down emotionally enough to survive it, but I think it might come back to kill me later.

You see, I make myself useful - because I was taught that's what I should do. so I did. I helped wherever I could, I drew knowledge when I needed it from people who had it, I became the voice of reason when necessary. I organized and learned all I could about what she was going through, I researched what it could all mean. That was the hardest- knowing she was like this because she fell through the cracks of a broken healthcare system. I helped by learning and arming myself with what I could to fight for her, to do what I could to make things better, or less painful for her if possible. But it still didn't feel like enough (and yet it all felt like way more than too much). And then we finally had to bring her into a facility - you see my grandfather was also a victim of the healthcare system - in his case a mistaken dose of a medication not meant for him meant instead of going home that day... he went to a funeral home instead. So of course my family, my mom, my abuelita all feared ending up in a situation like that again. She never wanted to die in a hospital, but even in her pain I think she did it because she didn't want us to deal with what it would entail for her to die at home. So she agreed and asked to be taken to the hospital. And to make it about me again - "everything happens for a reason" is a sentence I hope to never hear again because what do you mean the one they sent us to was the one I was born in (not the usual hospital she would've been sent to, but that one was too full so they sent us to my birthplace) and in that same building 48hrs later after being admitted almost to the minute - she took her last breath ....( just 2months and 1 day before my 26th birthday) So 25yrs, and 10 months after I took my first one in that same building. I now know 2 dates/events to the minute.

my birth and her death.

I'm not angry about that - I'm just confused but not mad - I just still don't understand the meaning of it all if it is supposed to have one. I do remember the last ~14hrs of her life. Since I was the one who was by her side for most of them. So much for that schedule I made (she needed to have someone with her at all times), some would've thought I made it on purpose to get her all to myself one last time. And I don't think I regret a single minute of it -even if it was one of the most painful nights of my life. if not THE most painful. I remember my mom coming to take over and my abuelita looking like she was doing better - like she was giving me permission to go - but I didn't, because I still had stuff to do, I was doing some paperwork for her, and then trying to get an extra visiting pass for my cousin, and then, and then... and then... I found the chapel - by chance, took a wrong turn ended up in that hallway. (you should know, my abuelita was one devoted woman, and the only reason I still had some faith in all of that - but she never pushed, she wasn't a fanatic, she just had true pure faith and it was so pure she did witness miracles and had them happen to her and around her and all of us.) And I sat down and I prayed. I hadn't done that in years. but I did - and I just said one thing: "if its her time, and that time is now - then don't let me or my connection to this hospital be what holds her here. I don't want to be the reason she suffers, I don't want to be what's holding her here if it's her time. I'll figure it out, I'll deal with it all, just please don't let her suffer any more. She doesn't deserve that" And 30 min later she was gone.

My mom held her hand in the end. I saw her face because of course I had to come back for something I forgot and I walked in as she was taking what I now know were her last breaths. I didn't run to her - I'd said my goodbyes in a way when I switched with my mom - I ran to switch with my cousin who was outside so she could go in and say hers.

she didn't make it.

I barely walked the 5 steps outside to my dog's carrier (who was there waiting for me as we exchanged) before my mom called only saying"she's gone" and I dropped.

if you asked me what happened after that I'd tell you flashes of it. I wailed. my dog wailed. I still feel guilty for that - she saw me drop and probably thought I'd been shot or something.

** Oh yeah I forgot to mention we had to extend our trip but my dad couldn't stay bc of work so he had to go home, and it was now just my mom, my dog and I (with the rest of our extended family of course). I eventually managed to start calling ppl - because right - we're the ones that know. my phone was at 16% and dying fast. I'd forgotten to charge it the night before, more focused on her care and not messing any of it up. I remember calling my cuz and just wailing "she's dead" then "sorry gotta hang up and call the others, my phone is at 15%" before hanging up. Still glad she doesn't hate me for that.

my dog stopped breathing and her tongue went purple/blue for a second on the taxi back to her home. we don't know what it was - grief, anxiety, the hand sanitizer my baby cousin was sniffing to keep from throwing up. it was only a second but my life flashed before my eyes again and I somehow got her back with some type of crazy cpr. My mom only found this out a few days ago - she was in the hospital with the body arranging it all. I helped pick out an outfit for her to be put into.

I helped my 19yr old cousin who lives where we live get plane tickets and helped her break the news to her mom (my tia) who was on holiday in Europe... they were supposed to come see her on Oct 4th, but they didn't make it in time. I heard their flight home kept getting delayed and she passed out in the airport.

I had nothing to wear - not that it mattered -but at one point they offered I could wear a set of her shoes and it kinda felt wrong - like why would I wear her own shoes to her funeral. it just felt wrong.

her funeral turned into 4 days of viewing - waiting for my poor cousin and tia to arrive because we couldn't get them there any faster. I don't know if it made it easer or harder to delay it. I stopped sleeping the moment she went into the hospital and didn't start again until ....still unsure. maybe a week after? when exhaustion took me out. I helped organize the funeral, deal with them trying to overcharge us, informing ppl, etc. I even managed to get her interred where she wanted her final resting place to be before our flight back (which when we'd managed to push it we'd changed our return date to Oct 15). I pushed to make it happen so my mom and I could leave knowing she was finally where she had to be. I stopped crying maybe 2 days after she died? ... I only cried 3 more times after. one being when I was a pallbearer.

My mom went... I want to say insane but that feels mean. She definitely did not handle it well, and absolutely pissed ppl off, also said some horrible things that she didn't take back - and hasn't taken back to this day.

I can't say how I was, but I do know I wasn't that bad? I think I spent more time ensuring my relatives saw me as an adult and separate from her so I wouldn't loose relationships than I did trying to offend ppl for no reason, so that was a win. and as far as I know I haven't been blocked by anyone yet - so clearly I did something ok.

I wish my dad could've come but with his health scares + being 70 + having done the journey there and back already it kinda made sense as to why he couldn't - rationally I know that. Irrationally I'm still mad I was left to deal with my mom on my own.

we got back and halloween no longer felt joyous (it was my favourite holiday). I still dressed up for her because she loved that. Apparently she always told my baby cousin that Aurora from tangled reminded her of me so I dressed up as her and watched the movie again and cried it out with my parents.

My dog survived the journey home and actually is now more of a fan of airplanes - we survived somehow.

(my biggest fear was my abuelita and dog dying at the same time, leading to my mom either dying or breaking down like I did and then me having to deal with it all on my own practically. I was sure I would not survive that.)

I tried to talk to the therapist I'd been seeing, he told me I had to reapply to the program... because its goal based, and when he took me on the goal was to get up from bed and leave my house. which I had. Grief however was a different goal and I had run out of appointments for this session set.

I stopped going to therapy.

**somewhere around here was when I had my first stigma filled experience with a GP I went to for a health problem I had. My birthday sucked. despite a bit of a time difference - my abuelita was always the first call I'd get that day. I didn't have enough time to prepare for that one since it happened so soon after. I decided to make my birthday nonexistent. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for and I definitely had nothing to celebrate. I didn't even feel like myself.

I got a job, it was supposed to be a good one. I was excited. I would start it in the new year.

Christmas - sucked. It is(was?) my mom and abuelita's favourite holiday. Not last year. We didn't even put up a tree.

New Years Eve felt like more lk YOUR YEARS GRIEF. I rang in 2023 half conscious as the absolute train wreck of a year finally hit me - and I could not stop crying or being angry or passing out from crying so hard then waking up again to be annoyed again.

And that's when it hit me I had two types of grief.

I'd completely lost myself.

and

I'd lost my true North Star.

see the one thing that questionable therapist got right was that I'd become such terrible people pleaser my entire identity crisis was happening because of it and it had helped push me into that freaking mental breakdown. I had no sense of self bc I would make myself whatever or whoever I needed to be to fit into where I needed to fit. so much so that now I had no idea what part of any of it was actually me and what was just me adapting to survive.

fun, eh?

And then my favourite person, the centre of the most joyful perfect memory in my mind - died. aka the unthinkable.

And now here I am 365 days later - with a fuckton of unfelt grief because I just COMPARTMENTALIZED IT LIKE A PRO. To a concerning degree according to just about everyone who knows me or asks about it. I mean I can't talk about it, or her. I can't read things about grandparents, or death, I definitely have almost broken down at seeing numbers like 82 (her age) anywhere. But nope, I somehow kick it back - shut it down. it almost feels like when you're about to sneeze and then you just don't? y'know that feeling? that's the closest I can compare it to. My eyes start to fill with tears and then suddenly they're dry as a desert and <I'M FINE> (read that like Ross in that one scene in friends). Anyways what's happened in the rest of those 365 days? had a job, left a job (toxic environment - so yay!) put some of that money in savings, spent the other. fought a lot with my mom. Went home by myself this time - took cuz who's my fav adult and also the one who took care of my abuelita all throughout that last year on a much deserved vacay with the liquidated vacation days I got *thank god for our birth country's currency being devalued. I feel terrible about it for my people but since I don't live there it makes it easier to do things like that one - visited Abuelita for Mother's Day. didn't cry. So clearly still repressed af.

but what's new.

Saw Beyonce at the Renaissance Tour with my friends- of course we got tickets back in February so I only realized months later that it was on my abuelita's birthday - but hey - Virgo's groove almost got me to cry in her honour since Bey asked all her Virgo's to get up and dance.

Saw a couple of plays. (Mom got a volunteer gig there and can get me tickets, also she thinks it's a bonding thing. it is kind of fun as long as it's not forced.)

Tried to challenge myself to reading 200 books - pretty sure I've only read 3 so far. BUT I'm trying and that's what matters, right?

also there's a fucking recession apparently? and finding a job is SO FUCKING HARD. that I'm spiralling harder than before. it's been fun - I'm so unmotivated and idk how to fix it. I'm back to hermiting tbh. Also my financial anxiety is at an ALL TIME HIGH. because I only calculated to have fun off work for a couple of months, and it's been more than that - I was so hopeful that I'd get a new job a lot quicker than I did.

Also for another healthy form of *🤡DEALING🤡* we're about to go to Cirque du Soleil with my parents- because we couldn't get tickets for another date (quite literally. these were the only left and we got a special deal with my parents' job). and isn't that funny? or fun. Y'know back when I had lk hopes and dreams, and I was a naive little girl I used to have these ridiculously grand ideas ahah like having acrobats at my wedding ... and that was when I'd only heard about cirque du Soleil which I'm actually only seeing for the first time today. But I don't think I ever thought "HEY- here's a thought - lets watch them for a deathaversary instead since you're so into the dark side nowadays"

But y'know what? I'm just going with the flow at this point.

Because apparently that's grief. And that's life. And that's the universe.

anyways if anyone has a treatment for repression - I'll take it - because this constipation of feelings has me down bad.

also pls pray for your girl to find a job. Her mental health is in the shitter bc living at home is not ideal when they're part of the reason you got shit mental health.

I pray to one day be a mentally healthy individual and actually maybe hopefully have a healthy (or as healthy looking as possible) relationship with my mother. and maybe even my father . but that shit aint happening with all of us under the same roof. that's just a fact. Despite how bad the real estate market is out there, in this case braving it is a life saving measure.

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myrcenegirl · 9 months

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i treated myself to a salad tonight... but at what cost :(

well office life continues to be fun. things have gotten in a weird spot with how busy it is but its been decent so im trying to hang in there! i did my shadowing today and i was a little nervous but tbh like.... im way better than a shit ton of people lmao so yeah i said i was more nervous than i really was lol and ofc afterwards the class said i was helpful and the trainers said i was just amazing and one of the trainers was someone who trained me so she was really like happy to see how much ive learned so even though it was a little nerve wracking the important thing is to remember to show (while being humble ofc) as many people as possible how capable i am so that way when the time comes for me to move to a different department everyone will be happy to have me join their team (besides the jealous ass haters) securing my opportunity to get out of this fucking customer service hell! and i got confused about the weeks and thought i was seeing my mom tonight but its next week lol i was excited. but easy day tomorrow im pretty sure so thats nice. but omg my first call while shadowing was a complete one off situation i had never encountered before BUT wouldnt you know it i just naturally did the exact right thing and then another call i lied a patient saying i was going to DM a doctor when i always just say that and then tell the person they left for the day lol but i was being watched so i couldnt BUT after sweating my ass off trying to figure out how i realized i have two monitors and i can switch the slack over to the one that isnt being shared and say i did the thing off screen BUT omg it was painful i was like shit shit shit how do i get out of this i have trainers watching me too!! and then i finally realized and got out of it perfectly fine hehe :3 but im really missing drugs and spending money and drugs i want drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and messy girl hasnt been so bad but omg the micromanaging has come into full swing like god damn what is it about joining a company and then right after THATS when they decide to start doubling down on EVERY SINGLE metric and form of monitoring to make sure you are working every god damn second of the day with zero allowance given to the lowest rung of employees :) so thats fun honestly if i wasnt one fucking week away from insurance and i didnt still have hope that i was going to get out of customer service i would be looking for another job now like that shit is not for me and WE get to feel the consequences of a company that hasn't properly managed their man power its great. and the girls are NOT having it and its even worse on their end because they dont even have all the facts like my manager has said multiple times that they have started a new requirement for managers to walk to us and check on us if we are taking too long after a call and they dont remember hearing that and so this whole time theyve been thinking that the managers are just breathing down their necks more than usual for a power trip and so theyre even more mad than me lol well theyre not because no one can be angrier than me but they have more volatile anger because theres ignorance involved lol and they are getting idk theyre starting to turn on the manager a bit because his ass is suuuuch a little by the books boy and so hes on top of all his new manager duties which make our lives hell so its hurting the manager relations. and im trying to help them understand that THEY have been told to do this now because I dont want them up and quitting well idc about messy girl but damn like pregnant girl straight up had attitude with our boss because he was checking on her and its just yeah shes being micromanaged as if she isn't here every day working doing good work so lets bring micromanaging into that situation. like im really trying hard to be polite when the managers have come up to me to check when im taking too long because to suggest that IM NOT WORKING? that deserves violence honestly so im really trying to be chill as possible although hey if i start snapping then maybe they will see that this shit is ridiculous

#fuck the 4096 character limit stupid cunt!

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tiredthingbehindyou · 10 months

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Getting Inside People's Heads

This is an entire conversation me and some of my friends had. I've condensed the multiple messages into one.

MENTIONS OF: Abortion, murder, police brutality, school shootings

"I like to being up moral dilemmas and make them question what they thought they knew." -Me

"You bring up moral dilemmas? Like... ethical conundrums? Is this why you want to go into psychology?" -1 (Psychology student)

"Give me an example." -2

"Killing the Joker from DC. Why shouldn't we?" -Me

"Well, I'm not entirely against it. But to answer your question, theoretically killing the Joker means taking a life, which would make us little better than criminals. Not to mention, the legal and ethical ramifications of doing so... it's not as simple as 'he deserves it.'" -3 (law student friend.)

"Then why not fight against the death penalty?" -Me

"...good point." -2

"That's a different story. The Joker deserves the death penalty for his crimes. No one can argue that without being accused of kinning him. The problem that comes, however, with who is responsible for deciding how he should be punished. The system isn't perfect, but it's better than one person making that decision on their own." - Law Student

"Sounds to me like ur afraid of what would happen if you blew his brains out. You may be a Christian and not want to kill people, but I'm an atheist. So gimme the gun" - Psychology Student

"I got one out back in my shed. Make a portal to DC and let's hunt that son of a bitch!" -2

"In the Dark Knight movie, he kills 23 people. More than 30 died by his orders." -Me

"Hey, (Psychology student), would you actually shoot him in the head?" Law student

"With a smile on my face." -Psychology student

"If anyone were to say that 'you shouldn't be happy in causing pain' ...I bet they'd be singing a different tune if it was someone they cared about who was killed. You'd be out for blood. Emotions are too complex and a messy ordeal" -Me

"You're just saying that because you're a writer." -2

"...no comment." -Me

"It's okay to dislike someone. Even hate them, in some circumstances. But taking pleasure in hurting someone isn't. Even if they're the worst person in the world." -4 (Parental figure who was sleeping)

"Many people have said that they would gladly kill dictators without hesitation. Yet, nobody has tried to change their view points. Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Khan are just some examples. We all know what Hitler and Stalin did. Genghis Khan raped so many women that 16 million people are his descendants." -2

"Okay, I see where you're coming from. But there's a subtle difference between Hitler and the Joker. Hitler was very much a real person, who did a lot of terrible things in real life. In contrast, however, the Joker is...something else." -Parent

"We're talking like we are in the DC universe." -Law

"The Joker is also a real person in this theoretical conversation who has done terrible things in real life. Do you really think that if he got the chance, he wouldn't become a dictator and kill millions of people for his own sick pleasure?" -Me

"Oh." -Parent

"Joker is a real person in this chat right now, and his crimes aren't imaginary. The fact that he hasn't tried to conquer the world (yet) doesn't change that he has hurt others." -Me

"He looks like a Jerry." -2

"STOP SAYING EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A JERRY!" -Psychology

"I didn't. I said a snake looked like a Judgemental Shoelace." -2

"And this conversation is an example of how I get into people's heads. Before me, you never would've thought about killing the Joker, would you?" -Me

"'No.'" Law and Parent

"Mayhaps." 2

"You do get in people's head. It's kinda scary to be honest. You'd be a good politician." Psychology

"True. I look pretty, have great hair, and am gkod at lying." Me

"Also! Superman could be considered scary. He can literally crush someone's skull in his hand with ease!" Law

"What about Wonder Woman?" Parent

"She's an intriguing character. A descendant of the gods. The gods, if they do still exist, didn't care for mortals in the myths. And how would a woman who was raised thousands of miles away on a hidden island react to modern times? I haven't seen her movie, so I cannot give a definite answer." Me

"WW...is a complex character. I'll give you that." Psychology

"Most beings who use emotions are. And Wonder Woman almost always uses her emotions. I'm not saying thst's a bad thing, considering her moral compass. I'm just saying that with her, her emotions usually triumph over her logic." Me

"You're not exactly wrong... She does use her emotions a lot. Probably more than she should. She's also incredibly compassionate, though. That's a trait that comes partly from emotional thinking. Her compassion for the innocent has let her do some remarkable things." Parent

"Killing for violence and killing for necessity are two very, very different things. Both can be argued in court however." Law

"Can we move on from this discussion? It's getting a little repetitive. Go back to the Joker part." 2

"Killed without hesitation and without mercy." Me

"...Jesus Christ and his mother. That was fast." Parent

"Same." 2

"I mean..." Psychology

"He's responsible for the deaths of over 30 people. I have no blood on my hands (human at least). No sweat off my back." Me

"Why is he irredeemable? He's a bad guy. Like Darkseid." 5 (The youngest who is just getting into DC)

"The bar is set a bit high for that, tiny." Me

"I'm not tiny!" Newbie

"You're 5'0." Law

"He had a therapist and turned her into his sidekick. Harley Quinn eventually left him for Ivy after realizing she deserved better. They're cannon." 2

"I like to study people and topics that people often use to play the devils advocate. It's easy to get in people's geads when the topic is a controversial issue." Me

"Creeeeeeeepyyy." 5

"Shut up. You collect animal skulls. Yku don't have a leg to stand on." Psychology

"Abortion being banned! Go!" Law

"It's a woman's right to get an abortion." Parent

"The woman is the one that carries the child. It's her body, her choice. The government can't tell her what to do with her own body." Me

"Death penalty." Law

"Dead." 2

"Some people don't deserve to live." Me

"No one's life can be fully defined in a black-and-white manner," Parent

"Anyone deserves a chance to prove their worth. People change as they grow and learn, and we should give everyone a chance to prove that they've changed. Plus the death penalty can lead to innocent people being executed." Newbie

"Okay, I'll give you that. I just don't agree with it." Me

"Climate change." Law

"Get rid of the old white men who only want more money than what they know what to do with." Me

"Kill Bezos/Zuckerberg?" 5/2

"I'm actually starting a cult about that." Me

"Bitch, you start a cult about everything." Psychology

"And?" Me

"Gun control." Law

"The Constitution was written back when Britain was truing to take control over the 13 colonies. Majority of people do not deserve to have guns. I'm going to say two words that explain why, are you ready?" Me

"School shootings." 5/2

"Yep." Me

"School shootings are proof that certain people shouldn't own guns. Not even for self defense. Guns make killing incredibly easy." 2

"Yeah. It's a lot harder to kill a room full of people with a knife than it is with an automatic assault rifle." Psychology

"Immigration." Law

"Come into the country legally and I don't give a shit." Me

"Damn." 2

"I agree with that." 5

"All the topics (Law) has brought up are things I agree with. Do something else, (Law)." Me

"Fine. Argue for police brutality. I'm not saying you have to agree with it, and I hope to God that you don't." Law

"Okay... You've seen the videos of the BLM protests, right?" Me

"Obviously." Everyone

"I'm saying that the protesters have turned violent and have looted stores, set fires, destroyed government vehicles, and stolen those vehicles as well." Me

"Why the fuck do you sound like a politician when you argue?" Psychology

"Dunno. Anygays, what I just did was not give you all the information. That's what a lot of news stations do."

"Dumbasses." Law

"The BLM protests start peaceful. It's rhe cops who throw tear gas and threaten the peaceful protesters. It's the 1st Ammendment right to have a peaceful protest. Right, (Law)?"

"Can confirm here." Law

"So, if I'm understanding this right, what you're saying is that the police are a corrupt force who don't respect human rights, and that some of those in the BLM movement have started to act violently and destroy property as a response to this police brutality? But you also believe that police brutality is an issue?" Parent

"That's about it, yeah." Me

"Shit, you're good." 2

"Things aren't black and white. There are so many shades of grey. And it's not just black, white, and grey. Some grey's are lighter and some are darker." Me

"I'm so thankful that you aren't in debate class with me." Law

"No, I'm a lesbian theater nerd. You're safe...for now~"

#day time writes #words #police #abortion #civil rights #group chat #night time writes #enjoy this shit #this isn't even all of them #we've had conversations about weirder shit

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aheavenlyrush · 1 year

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how would you show yohan's coping in island? would you like scene where it shows clearly yohan deciding to pretend to be ok? or scene showing he took the butler's advice to heart too much? it would be nice to see scene where he try to put on happy face to meet miho. or for miho to ask yohan if he wanted to talk but he could quickly say no and that he is ok and will focus solely on her.

ooh thanks for asking this so i can talk about a show pretty much none of my followers are watching sdjkghdf~~

i can understand him compartmentalising and trying to act okay, everyone deals with grief in a different way, but this really just seems like they don't want to spend time on his grief so he's gonna act the same way he did before everything went down. i'd honestly love to see just small instances of his happy-go-lucky mask falling off when no one's looking. like he's smiling at miho and being a cute dongsaeng and then when she leaves, his smile falls and his face is just blank. or when they go to sleep in that small house and everyone is dozing off his eyes are open and he's just staring into space, and when they wake up he hasn't moved or closed his eyes and he just gets up and gets going like nothing's off and he had a good night's sleep but sometimes he gets dizzy because he's not really sleeping and he's not eating well either. or when he's cutting wood and then he just keeps doing it. and doing it. and his hands are getting raw and the wind is cold but he doesn't notice and then miho gets there and he's like noona this is for your bath :-) and she looks at his hands and there's small cuts and flakes of dried blood everywhere and she takes his hands in hers and is like what is this?? and is actually concerned about him the way she was when she decided to find his brother and bring him to the place of his childhood trauma and said "you have me". and yohan laughs it off and goes for his winsome smile but you can see it's off and when he turns away from her miho frowns at his back.

i realise i'm writing a whole essay now skgjhdfg i just think this show has so much unused potential is it because they cut scenes or what? it's so disjointed at times and things are dropped with no explanation. the way miho didn't even ask yohan about him getting almost killed by lust demon van? hello? she wasn't curious at all as to what happened there? not to mention the fact that yohan's brother quite literally digged his claws into yohan's abdomen, sliced it open, threw yohan off, yohan fell to the ground and spat out blood but now he seems... fine? it's not like he's a lust demon how is he a mere human and somehow physically okay now with just a few scrapes to his face and some blood on his robes? girl.....

ohh and one more thing! i know part 2 is gonna have more action and i need yohan's fighting to have a desperate edge to it now. i want him to be reckless and a little crazy because he just got his brother back and then lost him right away. his brother was turned into a lust demon and for what? what did he ever do to deserve it he didn't choose to be an orphan or be turned into a thing to harvest organs from and then be turned into a demon?? i want yohan to be bitter i want him to blame himself for it i want all his grief and anger to bleed into the way he fights and i want him to not care about whether he lives or dies because what does it matter!! it doesn't anymore!!

i love pain i love misery i love it when characters are dying inside please give me this :3 i am asking so nicely i swear :3

#ask #anonymous #island spoilers

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the-land-of-eternal-winter-novel · 2 years

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Chapter 36 — The United Family

Žydras spent many days in the vicinity of the hospital, so that he was near his family. Sveta didn't yet go see her mother-in-law law and the others, seeing the dangerous situation caused by the revolutionaries. She hid somewhere for the following few days, instead. Žydras was sitting on a bench in the hospital garden, lost in thought, when he was approached by his father.

"I'm so sorry."

"What for?" he said, taken aback.

"I'm sorry I caused you so much pain by leaving. While it's true that your mother and I got divorced due to our differences, it's also true that I've been very selfish and greedy in the past. I thought I could make it up to you by inviting you to family parties, but I suppose you can't put a patch on a deep wound. I just wanted you to know that I care for your well being, as I care for Melynė. There are so many ways in which I failed as a father, but this doesn't deny the fact that I love the both of you."

"I always thought you just saw me as a mistake from your youth..."

"There are many mistakes I've made during the years, but I could never say about a person that they're a mistake! Even if I got on bad terms with your mother, I don't think the time with her was wasted. Much less can I think that of my own child!"

Žydras didn't feel very convinced, but he thought about his relationship with his father and realised he often acted like he hated him for no reason at all. The more he thought about it, the more he saw that he had been proud as well. Now, he hugged him.

"I forgive you... Please, talk to Melynė and step-mom as well..."

"I already have. And my wife is quite upset with me, but we're getting better, I think. At least Melynė is healing well."

Žydras talked a little longer to him, then spent time alone again. Although his father had his own faults, he realised he himself had been needlessly rebellious and unforgiving. He said a silent prayer, asking God for forgiveness for everything he treated his family unfairly, and for having run away without so much as a notice to his mother, among other things, then he thanked God that he reached home un time and that his sister was alive and recovering well. He concluded by praying for Gintarė, so that she would be able to reconcile with her own father, and that they would meet soon enough.

In her own right, Gintarė was spending good times with her father. When she was alone, she thought about her whole life, and how she would never have been able to gain the experience and maturity that she had, if she lived the spoiled life her father could've offered her. She then thought how she would've never been involved in the revolution if she hasn't lived where she did, and that she wouldn't have been able to help as many people. Lastly, she thought about the people she wouldn't have met, such as Mantas, who she wanted to investigate about, and, of course, Žydras. She realised that her life, although very hard, hadn't been purposeless, and that she didn't need to feel as if she had wasted it entirely.

She further reflected on her life, seeing that she had been full of hatred towards almost everybody she met, and when she met people she was on good terms with, she pushed them away, never being able to trust them. For too long had she lived miserably, now not because of poverty, but because she became convinced that everybody had abandoned her, even God. Now, however, she felt like she had been born where she was and in the situation she was so as to bring awareness to the corruption among her, which she wouldn't have felt the need to do if she had been born in a more privileged position. And even when she thought that this reason wasn't convenient, she at least thought that every event in her life lead her to experience the revolution and every aspect that came with it, including meeting Žydras. She thought that pain builds character and the like, but when even justufucations such as these didn't encourage her, she just decided to let go of the past and hope for a better future, which already seemed to have begun.

She thought about how her father was actually a loving parent, who cared about her and searched for her every single day, while she thought he left her for good. She regretted that she wasted so much energy on hate and misery, and wished to let go of them for good this time. She had less doubt now, so she tried to pray to God. She apologised for having been so hateful and vengeful throughout her life, that she refused to forgive for so long, that she treated everybody as an enemy, and other such sins. She prayed that she would have a new heart, and that she would be able to pursue things such as peace, forgiveness and friendship from that day forward. She also thanked God for finally having found her father, and she also prayed that Žydras would reconcile with his parents. Reflecting alone, Toivo had a similar epiphany, realising that he had been punishing himself for a mistake made 26 years prior, thus robbing himself of peace of mind. He also prayed, thanking God for bringing his daughter home, but now finally trusting that it wasn't the guilt-ridden charity giving that erased past sins such as having an illegitimate child and losing her, but only the Grace of God, and such was the fact of finally meeting her again.

Gintarė spent a very pleasant time with her dad, recounting various memories, and seeing many beautiful sights in the country, but, one day, she had a conversation with him, which made her reconsider if she should really stay with him or not.

"After I die, you'll be my heiress." her father explained. "And you'll be able to live here peacefully with your husband and children, when it's the case, of course."

"That sounds like a dream..." she responded, "but I'm not sure whether I can stay here forever."

"Why not?"

"I have a duty to help the ones who suffered like me. Or, at least, that's what I think is my goal in life. I was involved in a revolution before I got lost, and I still want to help my people, whether by fighting or other means. It wouldn't be right if I relaxed here in my mansion while there are still people out there who need help. I'd love to stay with you, but right now I must go. But I'll come back one day, and I'll even introduce you to someone..."

"I see..." he drooped. "I really wished you'd stay here for good, but if you must go, then go... I'll always be here. This time you know where to send letters, so please do me this favour and write me often. And I look forward to meeting that person you're talking about."

Her father was disappointed she was leaving so soon, but he knew it was the right thing to let her go, so he hugged her goodbye, gave her money, food and clothing for the road ahead and accompanied her on the docks, until he couldn't see the ship in the distance anymore. She also felt sad to leave him, but she knew she had a more urgent job, especially now that she read in the news about Mantas. She was going to convince Žydras to help her expose him, hopefully losing him followers. As she arrived home, then took the fastest sled to the capital, Gintarė still thought about how she was going to meet her father again, so that all of them, him, herself and Žydras, could be together in the long term.

In the meantime, Ingrid was spending time with her siblings, enjoying peaceful moments. She learned that the conflict between the twins had been solved, and she even got to talk to her mother, whom she told that she forgives, but their interactions didn't go particularly smoothly. Ingrid tried her best to get along with everybody, but her mother would still make snide comments about her. Ingrid learned to ignore them, and went about her own business. One morning, however, Olaf had learned of the situation in the empire, updated with the news of what Mantas had done. In the news report, both Akim and Anatoliy were mentioned. While Olaf was thinking about whether or not they should have feared a coming war, Ingrid only thought about how her husband had been alive this whole time.

"I have to go back, now!"

"Why?! Don't you see the news?"

"Exactly; Anatoliy is still alive and he's somewhere out there. I must go meet him."

"You can't go through a port from the empire, I doubt they'll even let you."

"I'll go to my brother-in-law's place, then. He's the king in a smaller country neighbouring the empire."

"Are you sure you're going to be safe?"

"At the very least I now know how to shoot... But I think we'll be safe if we all gather at my brother-in-law's place. But most importantly, I really want to meet Anatoliy again."

Olaf helped her prepare for the journey and fared her goodbye. Ingrid boarded the ship confidently, hoping for the best, now that she had been motivated by the good news found in the papers. She finally held Oleg, and told him, optimistically:

"We're going to go see daddy very soon!"

Oleg jumped with joy, and Ingrid couldn't resist kissing his cheeks and snuggling him as he laughed, finding him adorable.

"Why didn't we go see him until now?" he asked at one point.

"I didn't know where to search for him yet, sweetie. But it's good enough that we're going now, isn't it?"

"Yeah." he smiled like a ray of sunshine.

#the land of eternal winter #my novel #draft 1 #chapter 36

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