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#the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes

husbandhoshi · 3 months

Text

TO GROW LOVE (AND EAT IT TO THE CORE)

pairing: mingyu x gn!reader wc: 8.1k summary: your whole life, you've only wanted one thing. then you meet mingyu. suddenly you want too much, and you wish the summer never ended. notes: farmer!au, established relationship, angst/hurt/a little comfort

this is a birthday fic for my one and only cat @wuahae ! yes this is about half a year late but what can i say. all good things come with time. thank you for being so kind, funny, and thoughtful (and patient)! not a day goes by where i’m not thankful for our friendship :)

and a million thanks to hana @wqnwoos and jackie @97-liners for helping me with edits. literally you guys are insane writers and i will never stop looking up to you.

i. strawberries (the summer we were young)

When a strawberry is ripe, the seeds push out from the heart of the fruit, as if it's bursting from the inside out.

This is one of the few and only things you've learned by living in Seogwipo, where strawberry season comes like a supernova. The May sun, full and heavy, peels into summer, and the roadside farms open their doors, trying to catch stray vacationers from Jeju City on the other side of the island.

That being said, there are approximately two things to do here. One of them is farm. The other is pretend like you have a life, which is your childhood friend Yizhuo's favorite thing to do when she's back from university on summer break.

Today, this involved convincing her ritzy, too-good Seoul friends that they're missing out on this side of Jeju. (Missing out on what? You're not sure. Perhaps the chipped paint of the mural walls, or the endless flat-topped stretches of seagrass. Yizhuo isn't fooling anyone, but you've always liked stretching your legs out in the bed of her pick-up, even on the long drive to nowhere.)

Unsurprisingly, her friends quickly came to the same conclusion. Just one look at your local strawberry patch, with none of the glamour of the bloated tourist traps in the city, and they decided they'd rather spend the afternoon at the beach.

It was then, between the fragaria blooms, when you met Mingyu. He asked for your name, and the rest was history. Yizhuo and co. scattered like the grasping hands of an overripe dandelion and you learned that he was, one, the newly-graduated son of a pair of local farmers, and two, very, very attractive. Almost too much so, especially for a place like this.

Now he holds up a berry, a bright red murder between his fingers, and tells you to try it.

"You must be delusional if you think i'm taking food from a stranger," you laugh, perched on the fence bordering the field. It sprawls before you, melon stripes on the sunbaked ground.

"No, my name is Mingyu," he replies. "No idea who delusional is." His smile, all bright lip and snaggletooth, tears into the scarlet belly of a newly picked strawberry.

"We all know what happened to Persephone."

"Well, if the underworld was a strawberry patch, I wouldn't mind being stuck there for all of eternity."

"What're you picking all these for, anyway?" you ask, watching Mingyu struggle with his too-big straw hat between the vines. His woven basket bleeds over with little berries.

"Jam. I make it on the very first day of every summer."

"Why?"

"You ask a lot of questions for someone who trespassed on my farm. You're cute, but I won't let you off easy."

He laughs at how you balk, clearly red-handed. You're not sure how to tell him you don't think you were supposed to be here either. You don't do things like sit in the back of trucks, trespass, or talk to pretty farmer boys who take a fancy to you, but it's the summer before you graduate and you're not even sure how long you'll have to continue making bad decisions.

"Are you gonna take my first-born now?" you joke instead. The daylight runs down the rim of Mingyu's hat, trickles down his brow, and you wish you could pour the image of him into a jar and keep it forever.

"No, but I will invite you in for some fresh jam on toast. I baked a loaf this morning." and when you say nothing, he continues. "The strawberries are only good once a year. It's the best you'll ever have. Promise."

It's a whine and a half, and somehow you convince yourself this will be the last bad decision you'll make. You've been here long enough to know that good things don't come twice in Seogwipo, and he is unlikely to be an exception.

Yizhuo blows up your phone, you tie the gingham apron around Mingyu's tiny waist, and the basket turns to blood in the saucepan.

Mingyu is right. Love comes to you in that kitchen, high and red like the sun, and the jam never tastes as good as it does that summer.

ii. watermelon (hollowed out, like a magic trick)

"A good watermelon sounds like a heartbeat."

You watch Mingyu heave the fruit, small and striped, out of his grocery bag. It joins the array of egg sandwiches and banana milks you picked up from the store together earlier. (There should have been chocolate Pepero too, but you split the box on the walk).

You're on a picnic, sprawled out on the outcropping overlooking the water. The path up is basically right behind your house, but you had never cared to visit. It had always been the local makeout spot, a schlocky teen crawl for those with nothing better to do, and yet, with Mingyu stretched out beside you, it seems newer. More exciting.

You're still just friends, or at least that's what you told Yizhuo. But ever since you sat on Mingyu's kitchen counter and ate from his jam-covered spatula, you don't think you've gone a week without seeing him. It's been almost two months, which seems so long and yet not long enough—he makes it easy to be greedy.

"See?" He thumps the watermelon with the heel of his palm. "Try it."

You already went through this entire charade at the grocery store, right in front of all the local aunties, but you indulge him. There's little point to triple checking if it's still ripe, but you think he just likes hitting it.

"It sounds good," you say. "But how are we even gonna eat it? We don't have a knife."

"Watch this." Mingyu procures a coin from his pocket. "You didn't learn this in elementary school? I feel like everyone was doing it."

"Here?" you ask, incredulous.

"Yeah, here. I grew up here too, you know."

He holds the edge of the coin to the skin and slams his palm into it once more, so that it lodges itself into the rind, and begins dragging it around the fruit. You start to wonder if he bought the watermelon just to show you a party trick—not that you mind, though. The strain of his biceps peeks through his rolled up white tee, and you remember why he was able to stop you with just one look back when you first met.

"No way." The watermelon is so ripe, it bleeds around the incision. "I feel like I know everyone here. And I definitely would have remembered you."

"I was probably, like, two grades above you," he replies. "And my parents shipped me off to live with my cousins after elementary school. They said I should get out of Seogwipo and experience the real world."

"Good call. There's nothing here." You watch Mingyu spin the melon over to cut through the other side. The coin catches the sunlight, and it looks like gold. "I wish I left for university. The one here is so small."

"Really?" He pauses to show you his handiwork. The two melon halves roll over on their backs, their cut edge cruel and jagged. "Cool, huh?"

"Impressive," you say. "Honestly. I really didn't think that would work."

"I didn't either when I first saw someone do it. But I’ll try anything once," he replies, ripping open the packaging of the plastic spoon from the bag. "I can't believe you don't like it here."

"You do?"

"Yeah. A lot." He shoves the spoon in his mouth, and you watch the watermelon juice pool around his lips. "I missed home. The trees and the tall grass and the ocean. All the fruits. Everything. I learned to ride a bike, right down there by the water."

"Hm." He passes you the spoon. You don't want to hog it, so you carve out a piece bigger than you need. "Are you gonna work at the farm?"

"Maybe. Haven't decided yet," he says. "I think I want to be here, though. Maybe do something with food, but I want to be home."

"That's funny, because I think I’ve always wanted to live a different life. Or at least one somewhere else."

"You want to go to law school, right?"

"Yeah." Mingyu is right. The watermelon is all sugar, and you would almost feel guilty for eating it if it wasn't technically good for you. "I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer. It's something about the people watching, I think."

"That’s really cool," Mingyu says, mouth full but no less sincere. It's then that you notice your shoulders are almost touching, and your heart crawls back up to your mouth. "You know what you want. I admire that."

He makes it sound like a compliment, but you're sure it's a curse.

You think of your parents. There's a permanent wrinkle ironed into their foreheads, the paper crease of expectations and high standards. It's not that they didn't care, but their kind of care was a humbled sort, made heavy by a hard life. It didn't help that your big sister Seohyun went straight from Yonsei to work a big tech job in San Francisco and never once looked back.

But you can't blame any of them—wanting has always been a hereditary failing. Sometimes Yizhuo will catch you frowning at nothing, and then you remember that life isn't a performance and every day ends at the same time no matter how hard you work. But you don't know how to tell her that the only thing you can do sometimes is want, because otherwise you wouldn't really have much at all.

It seems like the exact opposite of how Mingyu lives—everything about him seems to pass like the seasons. Maybe that's why you can't seem to get enough of each other.

"Thank you. Really." You dig the spoon into your half of the melon. There isn't much left. "You're way too nice to me."

"It’s not hard to be," he laughs. "Maybe you're just too hard on yourself."

You're losing track of the distance between the two of you. You can almost feel the heat playing off his skin.

"Maybe."

It's then, under the veil of summer, where you meet Mingyu's gaze and, finally, things seem close to simple.

All you know are his eyes, heavy with sun, and then the slow, slow move of his lips against yours. He tastes like August, long and sweet, and for once you know what it's like to not only want, but to have, and to have again.

The ocean sings on the horizon, and the watermelon bellies weep.

iii. adzuki beans (or, the blood of a headless taiyaki)

Mingyu eats taiyaki headfirst because he says it hurts less.

"That makes no sense," you tell him, your pinkies linked. You never really liked holding hands, but yours fits so perfectly in Mingyu's and there's some girlish, childlike shine to it when you watch his finger search for yours after just a moment separated.

"What do you mean."

He breaks your gaze to eye a red bean taiyaki, like an unwilling predator sizing up their prey. It's the lamest, most embarrassing iteration of National Geographic you've ever seen, and yet you cannot find any fiber within yourself not deeply in love with the lion.

Fall is a forgiving place for your relationship to settle. You're now a senior at university and he's started his gap year. Gap implies he's in the middle of something, but in true Mingyu fashion, he leaves it up to fate, or chance, or something not nearly as kind (whim).

"Taiyaki isn't alive. And why would you want to pretend it is? Eating gummy bears would become an extinction event."

"It kind of is." He holds out the tail end of the taiyaki, the pastry almost explicitly flayed open, in front of you to eat. "Why does the Haribo bear have a face? Why do the gummy bears live in a gummy forest?"

"Great, so now I can’t even enjoy gummy bears without feeling like a serial killer?"

You dig your pointer into his shoulders, broad from all the time he spends on the farm. To think that his hands, big and weathered, were made to pick berries (and now wrap around your pinky finger) is bruising, if not ridiculously funny.

"It's a crime of passion. Gummy passion. Prosecute that."

He kisses your cheek and your heart almost squeezes into two.

The terrible thing about being with Mingyu is how seemingly endless his affection is. Now he's feeding you in public and buying the two of you matching socks (cat and dog, to be exact), although you'll admit it's a little charming, even if the neighbors do gossip.

He's sweet, too sweet, and his kisses stick to the back of your throat.

But you can't be fooled. There's an unsaid violence to the way Mingyu loves. (The meticulous spiral of the peel he carves when you ask for him to cut you an apple. The grind, decisive and cruel, of a knife against a cutting board. A pair of canines against your neck, your jaw.)

Even now, he bites the head off another unwitting taiyaki before stuffing it back in the bag.

"We're still splitsing, right?" he says, with perhaps 1% of his mouth available for speaking and the other 99% murder machine.

Splits, he always says before you share food. You never had the heart to tell him that it's in the same family as mines or sharesies or takebacks—silly childhood relics, ones that no one uses anymore because they don't mean anything.

This time, you don't hear him because you're thinking about the law school fair you went to before Mingyu picked you up. The future is so close, it scares you. A year from now, what ground would you be standing on? Would it smell like this—the peat, the thread-spool fields, the balm of the ocean? Would you still have Mingyu's finger wrapped round yours?

"Have you decided if you're staying at the farm?" you ask.

"Not really." He uses the back of his hand to wipe off his chin. "If my sister decides to take over, I’m actually kinda thinking of going to pastry school instead of getting a masters."

Mingyu had been toying with the idea for some time after you had talked about it on the outlook. It started off as a joke (September; a galette), then a what if (October; green tea mochi), and now it sits at a kinda.

"Kinda?"

The word gathers speed in the pachinko machine of your mind. You never liked being a kinda person. For Mingyu, it seems like a luxury of a word, but for you, it's really just another thing to hide behind. Kinda talented, kinda ambitious, kinda just there. You're always one foot in, one foot out of something better.

"Yeah, kinda. Why?"

"I dunno. What if we both end up leaving?"

"Maybe. You still want to, right?"

You would be lying if you said you didn't—it's what you always wanted. Seogwipo has been a sun-rot, too-small crutch for you, but you would also be lying if you said you weren't terrified that you'd eventually come back, limping like some doomed Icarus, unable to truly make it in the real world.

Then you think of the pockmarked farmland beside your home, lacy with the fall harvest. Even now, you can trace the endless blue of the coastline all the way there, cut through all the maybes and just let the sound of the ocean fold you into sleep like you were a child again. You wonder if Seohyun, all the way on the other side of the world, ever misses it.

"I’m not sure," you say, because, as much as you don't like it, it's the only answer you have.

"It's ok. You'll figure it out. You always do." He squeezes your cheeks together between his thumb and index, laughing at how they pillow out underneath his fingers. "Screw pastry school. I could come with you. Who else would keep you fed?"

Mingyu's complete and unfounded belief in you makes you feel something close to betrayal. How could he say any of that? With what proof? Only someone like Mingyu would be able to hold the wrinkled fruit of your unremarkable life between his palms and see something better than that. Maybe it's because he grew up on a farm. Either that, or he already cares for you too much, too painfully.

Secrets are easy to keep when they look like yours. At least here, in the pit of your stomach, you can keep count, take attendance of them, all your tittering, small anxieties. Some days it feels like your ribs are pressing out, but it's better than cutting everything loose to spill out over what little you do have control over.

You can handle a little pressure. You have to.

What concerns you is the hand Mingyu's got across your chest. With one look, he just might gut you. A twist of the heart-knife, and all those carefully wound insides carved out in an instant—maybe he'd pity you, but worse than that, he'd likely be disappointed.

For you, expectation has always stood taller than shame, and the idea that he sees something past you makes you want to run away.

"I could be a house husband," he says as easily as ever. "You'll be off saving the world, arguing with whoever, and I'll be there to run you a bath afterwards."

"Let's not get too ahead of ourselves," you reply, binding up the strange, hollow feeling in your stomach with a laugh.

There's a scared little girl hiding inside you, and whether Mingyu sees her or not hurts the same. A spade is a spade. You can only pretend so long.

You look at the taiyaki floating in their wax paper bag, blinded and wrought open by the same grin that now peels you down, and you're not hungry anymore.

iv. winter pears (rotten, outside your parents' house)

Mingyu's family loves Christmas.

You think it's because of the pear trees they have in the front yard. They stand bravely before the house, all emerald ash and wisdom in the December freeze. Run your palms over the knobs and it's like you can see into a sleepy visage of simpler days past. (Below its heart, carved: 1982, the year the farm was bought. Along the tangle of the roots: gyu waz here, in an unsure, childish scrawl.)

Winter comes to the countryside crawling on its hands and knees. On days it doesn't snow, there's a mist, boggy and clingy. You've come to realize the cold is more of a threat than a promise, and so the pear trees still bear fruit; the silvery branches hang heavy, faithful.

The first day of December, Mingyu's parents had tasked the two of you with decorating the farmhouse, a duty you took very seriously. You wrapped Mingyu up in string lights and watched him blink in and out like your own personal firefly.

It wasn't until you watched the rafters, the barn doors, the joyous vault of the ceiling all glow, like a spectacular firework, that you finally started to understand why Mingyu was so into the holidays.

It was in the yellow blush of the string lights that you had your first pear from the tree, which Mingyu insisted was a holiday tradition. We make poached pears, he said, mid-bite. You simmer the pear in syrup until it gets so soft, you can cut into it with a fork. Just like butter.

That same night, he kissed you, mouth hot and trembling and tasting of honey, and pressed you against the bark so hard, you could feel the grit of its veins against your skin.

You think December became your favorite month, and pears your favorite fruit.

So much so, that for the entire month, you try to put away your worries about law school applications to celebrate with Mingyu and his family.

You learn his mom makes the best hot chocolate (a cinnamon stick and a dogged devotion to the whisk), and that Mingyu has no clue on God's green earth how to ice skate. (He careens right into your chest the first time. You spend the next hour with him attached to you like a backpack—he manages to find the most impractical ways to do anything, which you somehow admire the most). On Sundays, Yizhuo ditches her Seoul friends and instead accompanies you to the mall two towns over, where she watches you compare different ties and watches and collagen creams as you decide on gifts for his family. (Lilac is so last year, she'd say, stirring the straw of a watered-down milk tea.)

It's not until the weekend before Christmas when you realize just how serious things have gotten. Your feet understand the meander of the dirt path to the farmhouse, your bones the scent of the yellow-skinned apple, the faded wildflowers. Your palms crave the plush of the rug they have in front of the fireplace. Hell, you can't even eat soondubu without thinking of the kind Mingyu's dad makes, with extra anchovies and green onion.

You don't think about what this means. There are ten days left in December and love poured from a full cup never seems to run out.

"Please let me carry some of those," Mingyu wheedles. "Oh my god. I'm like the worst boyfriend in the world."

"No, you are not." you make your way up to his doorstep, taking care to one-two step over the stray roots of one of the pear trees. It's second nature to you by now. "The moment I hand you a box, you are gonna start trying to figure out what it is."

He harumphs and plucks the big one off the top anyway, the one he knows you can't reach. "I didn't even know you were getting us gifts. You didn't have to."

"It's the least I could do. Who shows up to a holiday dinner emptyhanded?" You stop at the front door. "And stop shaking it," you laugh, using the tip of your boot to nudge his shin.

"Okay. Okay," he says, saccharine, adoring, before grabbing the doorknob. "Ready? Are you nervous? You shouldn't be nervous, right? It's not fancy or anything, if you were worried about that."

And that's the thing that wedges itself between your ribs. Mingyu and his whole family are like this. They love and worry and love again; it presses deep into you, fills you, and overflows.

So here you are, standing in your nicest dress and balancing a stack of gifts you hope will amount to something, never enough but something, to repay the people who you feel have loved you more than you deserve. It's all you really have. You do your best, and yet you know when that door opens, it'll all be washed away in a high-tide flurry of hugs and laughter and the familiar press of Bobpul's wet nose against your leg. They're just those kinds of people—they would be just as happy if you didn't bring anything at all, and somehow that makes you feel even more guilty.

"No, no," you wave him off. "I’m fine. Excited."

When Mingyu opens the door, everything goes just as you expected. His sister takes your coat, your gifts are whisked away to the tree (Aji has already figured out which one is his), and his parents descend upon you in a choking swell of warmth and charity.

We baked some fresh bread for your parents (—Thank you so much, but you really shouldn't have.). You look so beautiful in that color (—No, no, you flatter me too much.). Mingyu better be taking good care of you (—He is. He really, really is.).

The kitchen is gauzy with cinnamon, anise. They must be making their famous poached pears, which Mingyu remarks on, just like clockwork.

Dinner passes the same way. It bubbles over with affection, and you feel swallowed by an impossible yearning. This—a full table and a hand to hold underneath it—did you deserve this? And could you keep it?

For an instant, you picture yourself, years later, at this same seat. Mingyu would be fussing over the rice cakes, his apron still gingham because it reminds him of the day you two met. His parents, grayer but no less happy, bickering over the shade of tinsel on the tree. And the dogs, coiled at your feet like they are now. The vision laps at your bones like you're a raft in a storm.

You're pulled back into the moment when Mingyu squeezes your hand, grounding and insistent. "Mom asked how school was going. I told her I think you're basically the smartest person I know, and I’m pretty sure you're getting into whatever law school you want."

Mingyu's parents laugh, and they cut through their pears.

"Oh, sorry," you say. "Um."

Clink. Knife meets flesh, meets porcelain. Your cheeks are hot. You wanted to talk about anything other than yourself tonight. Clink.

"The top programs are a reach, but it'd be nice." clink. "I just want to get in somewhere."

"They’re all so far away," Mingyu's mom remarks. "So grown up. Any school will be lucky to have you. You'll get into all of them."

Clink.

"Or maybe you can stay here." You watch the prongs of Mingyu's father's fork disappear into the pear. "Keep us old folk company."

"No, no, I think Mingyu should take notes and get off his lazy ass," his sister says, teasing. "Going back to the city will be good for him."

"So you can, what, burn down the kitchen again?" Mingyu grumbles, and the whole table seems to boil over with laughter.

"We’re kidding," his mom tells you. "No matter where you go, I’m sure you'll do great. We can even throw you a party at the end of the year. For graduating."

Clink. Clink.

There's a horrible uneasiness writhing around in your stomach. It's pear and syrup and clove and a blackness, an anxious, selfish one that sucks up all the generosity of the evening and turns it into shame.

Mingyu's mom is talking about throwing you a graduation party, something you didn't even think to do for yourself, and here you are, thinking about the shaking moment you open your rejection letters and the lonely path you'll draw on your way back home.

It's ok. They missed out, Mingyu would say, pouring you a consolation drink, and then it would be over. You'd go home and sit on your bed and the trifold piece of paper would go round and round your head like it was in a washing machine.

Your heart, an inventory of tasks and goals and tally marks. Things you've taken and things you've owed. It's a soft, boneless excuse. Be grateful. Give them that, at least.

Clink.

Dessert ends before you can tell his family not to get their hopes up. Mingyu's mom sends you off with your loaf of bread and a kiss on the cheek, and the moment is gone.

"Gyu," you call out on the steps in front of the house.

There are words at the seam of your lips. You want to tell him you're sorry for worrying so much. For making the whole dinner about you and then very possibly having nothing to show for it when it matters. For the heaviness in your chest. Your cowardice. But none of it comes out.

Instead you watch Mingyu pull at the leaves of a pear tree, watching the frost-filigree they get at the end of the season. He looks over his shoulder and smiles at you, as if he's on the hazy cover of a magazine. His eyes bend so wonderfully at the corners when he looks at you, and it breaks your heart.

"You had fun, right?" he asks. "My parents like you a lot, you know. I think they really do."

But that's the problem, you want to say. You all do, and I have no idea why.

Some of the pears are beginning to rot now. You watch one drop off the vine, and it caves to the pavement like it was made of nothing at all.

v. wild barley (grows like weeds)

In March, you play house.

Your parents leave on a two week trip to see relatives, and Mingyu takes it upon himself to make sure you survive.

It's a kind, blinding charade.

(7 am, breakfast. You usually don't even eat breakfast, but you wake up to doenjang and a smile, one that presses itself to yours until you're wearing it on the long walk to school.)

(4 pm, the stretch between lunch and dinner. You're muddling through another useless club meeting when Mingyu sends you a picture of him in your mom's apron, making kimchi. Kiss the chef, he texts you. You promise to, over and over and over.)

It's good until it isn't.

That isn't to say that it's Mingyu's fault. In fact, it's never really Mingyu's fault, and that's the worst thing about your relationship. Sometimes you wish he was worse just so there was someone else to blame.

(1 am, a fridge-cold glass of water and a hand on the column of your spine. Can't sleep? He asks. Just had a weird dream, you say.

It's a lie. You're a liar.

You miss your parents and the first wave of acceptance letters comes out in two days. You're not like him. Sleep has never been a cure for the exhaustion you're feeling, and you have no way of telling him that however warm the bed is won't fix that.)

It's on a Thursday afternoon when you open your mailbox and see the tiny, thin envelope that you've been expecting for the past week. You don't need to open it to know what it says, and yet you do it anyway.

The sun is white, a ghost in the spring sky. The ocean bleeds into the overcast, the curly barley stands tall around your feet, and you let the worst letter you've gotten in your life fall upon your shoulders, word by terrible word.

Then you close it, pinching the seam shut, and draw up your brave face. Nothing left to do but be brave. You're convinced you've used up all the sadness in your relationship—spend in pennies and the well still runs dry. Mingyu will cup your cheek and call you darling, pouring into your emptying basin, holey and broken.

You see him now through the kitchen window, Venus in his clamshell of a kitchen. Galbijjim day, he had said this morning. Now, he waves at you, glittery with recognition.

Your throat feels like crumpled paper.

Mingyu smiles at you, hazy through the glass. Your cheeks hurt and your mouth is paper mache, but you smile back anyway.

///

The letters come one after another.

You know what the envelopes hold and yet you keep opening them. The little folder you keep stashed in your bottom drawer gets fatter every passing day because you can't help but revisit your misery, almost as if you need to remind yourself it exists.

Mingyu is none the wiser. Today he decides he'll put off pastry school for one more year. "It doesn't feel like the right time," he says, rolling a log of burdock kimbap up. "You know what I mean?"

No, you don't. You never really do.

You do know, however, that it would feel really fucking bad that, come the end of the year, to have nothing. All your friends would be going somewhere—even Yizhuo opened her acceptance to an MFA program in Shanghai yesterday—and you would be here, still, feet firmly planted in the muddy Jeju dirt like they always had been.

"Hey, don't look so disappointed." he jokes. "Don't tell me you're already trying to get rid of me."

You're not, you really aren't. But part of you wonders if it's just a race to the bottom. If you got rid of him before he decided he wanted to get rid of you, maybe it would hurt a lot less. One less letter for the folder.

"Never. But imagine if you picked up a French accent at pastry school. Then I’d consider it. Maybe."

You watch his knife rock back and forth on the cutting board as he cuts the kimbap.

"Some for you. And more for me," he says, in what you can only describe as someone attempting to speak French when they've never heard it before. "Unless you want more, mon cherie."

He brings the plates to the table, his grin nothing short of dizzying.

"I’m irresistible, huh? Still wanna leave me now?"

"You're gonna have to try a little harder than that, I think."

The words roll off your tongue, easily, traitorously.

You watch the kimbap disappear off of Mingyu's plate.

Going, going, gone.

///

Seogwipo is always dark at night, only kept alive by the glow of the moonlit sea.

You can't sleep. Again. And so you sit out on the steps in front of your house, letting the twilight wrap around you like a blanket.

You got your last letter back earlier today. You held your breath and tore it open like you would a birthday card with money in it.

Waitlisted.

It was surely better than a rejection, but some naive, child-eyed part of you thought that if you had just closed your eyes and hoped hard enough, things would work out the way you had planned. Tragically, it wasn't enough this time. You wanted and wanted and you thought maybe that would mean you'd come close to deserving it.

Your parents called today. After managing to sideline the issue of basically the rest of your entire life, they had finally cut through your sad little charade. No good news yet, huh?

No, but—

It was always like that with you. No, but it's not as bad as you think. No, but give me a chance. No, but I’m trying. I've been trying.

You wish things didn't come out of you so complicated. That you could be like Seohyun, who could go through school with her eyes closed and still graduate at the top of her class. Instead, you parade around your little failures, trying to convince people it all could mean something only if they squinted. See? It isn't so bad.

You think you're past the point of crying about it. Your stomach hurts, you're cold, and most of all, you just want to go back to bed. Plus, although Mingyu sleeps like a log, you think he's developed a sixth sense for whenever you get up too early.

Time to be brave, you've been telling yourself, although you don't know who you're pretending for anymore.

So you nudge the front door open—it's so old, it wails if you come at it with any more force—and, to your surprise, see the light above the kitchen sink turned on.

It's not very bright, but it's enough to make out Mingyu's broad silhouette, back turned to you as he makes a cup of tea. He's humming one of his made-up songs.

"Mingyu?"

"There you are," he says, turning around. "Just came out to check on you. And make you some tea."

The kettle whizzes. Your gut twists.

You still haven't said anything to Mingyu. To manage your own disappointment was one thing—you don't think you could handle another person's. And yet when he stands there, Pororo mug between his huge hands, you feel as if you are holding a knife, big and guilty and bloody.

"I-I'm fine, Gyu. Honest." you watch his expression flicker, unreadable in the persimmon lamplight. "Sorry you had to come out. It's chilly out here."

"You know, you can tell me what's going on. I won't judge."

No, no, no. This is the last conversation you wanted to have, with the last person you wanted to have it with.

You feel feverish. You think your hands are shaking.

"Mingyu, I swear—"

"Whatever it is, we can fix it. I know we can."

That almost makes you want to laugh if you didn't want to cry so bad. Of fucking course he would say that. Mingyu, who treats life like it's the watermelon trick he showed you on the outlook, wants to put a bandaid on this whole thing, as if that could come close to fixing it.

He'd tell you to curl up on the couch with a bad movie while he orders takeout. Kiss you on the top of the head. It's ok, baby. Just another bad day for the person who has the worst luck in the world. Another lump of problems for him to try and make better. If he isn't sick of you now, he sure would be soon enough.

"It’s okay," you say, steeling your voice. "It really isn't a big deal. Let's just go back to sleep."

You try to walk away, but the hardness in Mingyu's eyes roots you down to the tile.

"Stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Pushing me away," he swallows. "Like you always do. I know something's going on."

"I’m not, i just—"

"You just what? You can't help it?"

"No, I—"

"Because you like to know that you can? That you can say whatever and then watch me come back?" A fragmented, heavy silence thrums between you. He's looking at you like he's daring you to say something, anything. His gaze is black. "What am I good for if you can't tell me anything?"

There's that familiar, stinging pressure behind your eyes. You think you're crying, but you're not sure. Maybe you've been crying this whole time.

"Fine," you bite. Your blood feels like hot metal. "You really wanna know? I didn't get into law school. There. Happy now?"

Mingyu looks stung.

"W-why didn't you tell me?"

Because I thought you would stop loving me. I thought you would have finally had enough.

"Because it's not all about you, Mingyu."

The words, selfish and damning, burn your tongue. Mingyu is right. This is what you always do. You fuck up and then make everyone else hurt for it.

"I'm sorry," Mingyu says. His voice doesn't sound like his. Instead, the words seem to hang in the air, trembling and holding their breath, waiting for an apology you can't give yet. "I shouldn't have—"

"It's ok." You swallow hard, and it hurts. "Let's just go back to bed."

It's getting colder and colder. You think there's a little hole in your sock, right above the cat's whiskers.

Mingyu doesn't reach for you as he passes to get to the hallway. Maybe he doesn't know how to anymore.

The Pororo cup is left abandoned on the counter. You walk over and read the label on the tea bag—barley, because you have class tomorrow morning.

You pick it up, let the ceramic buzz between your hands with whatever warmth it has left, and hold it to your lips.

It's cold now, but all you can think to do is drink it. Erase all the evidence that tonight ever happened, and maybe it'll be nothing more than a bad dream in the morning.

There's honey at the bottom of the cup. It sears the back of your throat, but you drink until there's nothing left.

vi. the peach blossoms (without fail, bloom every August. I miss you.)

You broke up the next day.

Even now, you remember what happened. You had woken up early that morning to make your own breakfast because you couldn't allow Mingyu to give you any more of himself. Your hands could only hold, shatter, so much.

"Mingyu, I think we should...." You looked at the zigzags of jam on your toast, angry and uneven. "I think we should stop seeing each other. For now," you had added, as if that made anything better at all.

Somehow that seemed more merciful at the time. Really, you think it just showed your cowardice. If you were going to break his heart, you might as well have gone all the way the first time.

Maybe it was a good thing that Mingyu saw right through you. He always did.

"So that's it, huh? You're just gonna give up on us?"

"No, I just...need some time."

"How long?" he asked. "Be honest with me. Because you know I’ll wait."

"I don't know." You couldn't meet his gaze. His eyes reached and reached over that kitchen table and you denied him even that.

"Don't you always know?" he asked, pitifully, desperately. "Don't you want this to work?"

And you did. In fact, you don't think you had ever wanted anything more, and it was that that scared you. You had already lost law school—you couldn't let the only other thing in your life let you go. So you pulled the trigger first.

"We should just end things. I'm sorry. I can't give you what you need."

He packed his bag within the hour, and you think everything, from then on, froze inside you. You didn't move from your seat until your parents came home from the airport later that day and asked why there were two plates of toast still on the table.

You think you knew, someplace, inevitably, this would happen. You, who only knew hunger, had reached deep inside Mingyu and rooted out a love you didn't think you were worthy of having. And yet you still ate from the vine, bite after guilty bite, until you couldn't take any more. The only time he asked you for anything at all, you couldn't give it to him—such was the irony of your relationship.

Maybe you were doomed the moment the first strawberry hit your tongue, just like you had said, all that time ago.

About a month later, you got another letter in the mail. Chungnam National University Law School, it read. This one was fat, in one of those brown envelopes lined with bubble wrap. Somehow, miraculously, that position on the waitlist had turned into an acceptance. You held the package to your chest and cried, loud and with abandon, as if taking a deep breath after almost drowning.

Ironically, the first person you wanted to tell was Mingyu. But the good news you needed to save your relationship came too little, too late. Perhaps that meant it had no legs to stand on in the first place, but that didn't stop you from missing it. Instead, you told Yizhuo, and she drove you to Jeju City and treated you to dinner. "You should just call him," she had said. "Hey, don't look at me like that. He'd probably pick up on the first ring."

The city is swathed in August's crimson summer—peach season. The narrow streets are lined with peach trees, the fruits glowing like fat drops of sunlight. All you do these days is plan for your eventual move to Daejeon and the start of a life that seems newer and shinier than your own. But surrounded by the cicada song, the velvet treeline, the rain-soaked asphalt, somehow you think you're going to miss Seogwipo more than you think.

(Fickle, fickle heart. You always needed things to be taken away to really be able to appreciate them. Somehow, all that wanting had boiled down to something more satisfying, more filling.)

You wonder how Mingyu is. Now that you think about it, he seems just as much a part of Seogwipo as the farm he lives on. It was only last summer when you had first met him in the field, set on fire by the strawberry harvest. You think about him now, peddling around that ridiculous wicker basket to make jam. Maybe talking to another pretty girl, someone as naive, cruel as you had been.

Not long ago, you considered calling him to apologize, but that'd just be another thing to be selfish about. A little time and some warm weather, and I’m calling to finally wash my hands of you. That's what it would sound like, no matter what you said. Still, it didn't stop you from thinking of him, every flower, every season.

"You know, I always wanted to grow peach trees. But I think we've always been a pear kind of family."

Mingyu. If a voice could cut through air, it'd be his.

You whip around, half-believing you're hearing things. Certainly that would be easier, but you're learning that there are some things you can't run from.

And like a picture, Mingyu stands tall, golden, framed by the peach blossoms. Not a thing about him has changed. Not even the way he looks at you.

"Mingyu," you breathe. Unfortunately, none of the times you replayed your last conversation with him help you come up with something to say, because in none of them did you anticipate him coming back. "W-what are you doing here?"

"I live here, silly."

"No way," you reply, scrambling. "Crazy, because I live here too."

You both laugh nervously, a silly, bubbly thing, but you feel like you're going to throw up. It's only now that you realize you're kind of on the walk to his place. Seogwipo has never had places to hide.

"I...um." You try and disentangle the guilt from the nostalgia from the scent of the peaches and the warmth on his face. They all look the same. You missed him. "I got into law school. In Daejeon."

"I heard," he says. "Not surprised at all. I always knew you would."

"Thank you. I mean it." The cicadas buzz around you, as if they know they have an important silence to fill. "You're staying in town, right?"

"Actually, I decided to apply to culinary school. It finally felt right, you know? I'm leaving at the end of the summer, but it's just in Jeju City. I couldn't leave the island."

"Thank goodness. I don't know if you could tell, but I kind of always hoped you would. I don't think I’ve ever eaten better food." Your voice wobbles, but it gets there. "You'll do amazing."

Then time stretches and forces you to recognize, reckon with, the moment you're in. You wonder if he feels the same way you do—bruised, overripe. If there's still a space in his heart for you.

Deep breath. Life only gives you so many chances.

"Mingyu, I’m sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't make us work. You deserved better." Saying it feels like peeling the skin of your heart back. There's still a palpable distance between the two of you—you think that had always been there—but it feels more comfortable in a way it never did before.

"Don’t apologize," he says, easily, as he always does. Everything seems to flow off him like water, and you think that's the part of him you loved the most because it was the one thing you couldn't touch. "We loved each other. I think that much was true."

A jasmine breeze curls through the trees, sending the blossoms fluttering around you like ink in water. The very first time you met Mingyu, you thought the image of him, haloed with the sunset, was the one you wanted to keep forever. And yet, somehow, you don't think you'll ever forget the way he looks right now.

"Will you ever come back to Seogwipo?" you ask.

"I was gonna ask you the same thing—you were always the one who wanted to get out of here." He grins, ear to ear. "Of course I'm coming back. There's nowhere I'd rather be."

"Yeah. I think I know what you mean."

The sea, the clay dirt, Mingyu. Even yourself, clumsy and care-worn. You think, somewhere along the line, you forgot how to love. But you're learning—one step at a time.

"Friends," you say. "Let's be friends. If you'll let me."

"Thought you would never ask. Gladly. Always." The space between you seizes, like it's holding in a breath. Maybe one day, you'll think of closing it once more, but you like where you stand now. You can admire him better from a distance, without your fingerprints all over him. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, something he does before he gets ready to leave. But before he does—"I'll see you soon, okay? You better come back. Promise me."

For the first time, you see the honesty in his eyes and you really, truly believe him.

"Promise."

The Seogwipo sun is high and red in the sky when you wave Mingyu goodbye. It feels like you're coming to an end of a long summer, but you're not afraid. You watch the wind dance through the peach blossoms, their branches never searching, never wanting, and you finally feel as if you've arrived home.

#literally on my hands and knees begging for the tags to work #mine #mingyu #mingyu x reader #mingyu x you #mingyu angst #seventeen angst #mingyu imagines

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spidersmiceandeverythingnice · 1 year

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For me, the thing that hit closest to home with Nesta was the idea that she was being deliberately, but passively excluded from the Inner Circle.

When I was growing up - before I started striking out and having my own friends - I got a lot of "jokes" about how I ought to work for the CIA and become a spy, because I was so forgettable and unobtrusive. People said I was mysterious. But I dont really think I was - I think I was just shy and a little anxious. I was never outright bullied but I was also the kid that sat in the group, when plans were being made, and I was just - not invited.

So that scene - right at the beginning of Silver Flames - when Nesta walks into her sister's FIFTH palace, and sees that everyone she cares about has a portrait on the walls, except for her?? That type of exclusion was so so so sooooo specific that it almost gave me hope: Like there is no WAY someone would include that feeling in their book about mental health and not address it. If this book is about healing and self acceptance than it HAS to be addressed.

Except it was addressed by Nesta being terrorized and assaulted until she finally got on her knees and apologized to the people who'd threatened and literally beaten her to a shell of herself - because she wasn't good or nice enough to them in the first place.

Instead of accepting herself, and learning to love herself, Nesta accepts every single bit of abuse that's thrown at her and finally changes to fit the mold. Everyone is so happy and relieved at the end - Nesta is BETTER now! Now we can include her in our life because she has become what we wanted her to be in the first place.

It's disgusting. This is an ABHORRENT message to send about mental health and self love. This is legitimately hateful and feels like an attack. Like just a complete slap to my face. I spent my entire childhood questioning why I wasn't good enough to be loved or wanted by my peers - and I guess if I asked Miss Sarah she'd just shrug and say, "Maybe you were just too awkward and weird. Have you tried doing yoga or meditating to help yourself relax more?"

#acotar #a court of silver flames #nesta archeron #anti sjm #between this and tamlin sjm clearly thinks fhat love has to be Earned #and i.......... Hate That so much its unbearable

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picnicbitchsokka · 1 year

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zuko & sokka learn from each other in the best way possible - and here’s why

here’s the last paragraph from the famous “the prince and the fool” page iroh wrote to zuko talking about sokka

“Your experience with failure and your refusal to give up helped Sokka when he needed it most.”

sokka’s father, hakoda left him to protect his village, his gran gran, and katara

we know sokka can be really hard on himself wanting to prove to his father he’s worthy and this caused him to be brave and the protector

but he has also struggled dealing with failure at the same time

he hates letting the ones closest to him down. even at the day of black sun, he felt like he failed and let everyone down especially his father

sooo when zuko (mr. fail lord) comes along, in boiling rock, he tells sokka you’ll fail a lot in life. and it’s okay to fail over and over again before things work out

and sokka knows zuko never gives up. he listens to him cause he knows the words he’s saying are real and he’s not just rambling like he did about the silver sandwiches

post canon, i feel like when sokka was in certain situations where he knew there was a possibility of failure, he didn’t shy away from the idea as much

his bravery allowed him to take risks even though there’s a chance he might fail

sokka being sokka, he’s of course gonna want to succeed and win all the time…it’s just zuko who taught him that winning isn’t the only option. there’s failure too.

i’m literally praying this all makes sense

ok now for zuko, “And maybe you needed a bit of his foolhardy spirit to remind you that you are human too and trying to do the honarable thing doesn’t always mean doing the right thing.”

while zuko taught sokka how to deal with failure, sokka taught zuko to not be so serious all the time

notice how before boiling rock, zuko never really made…jokes

the only one he made was irohs and it didn’t really land as much as he thought it would sry zuko

it was after boiling rock is when we see him become more close and comfortable with the gaang, and—start making jokes and being sarcastic

hmmm who also makes jokes and is mr. sarcastic in the gaang??🤔 hmmmmm i wonder

he literally made a joke and the gaang laughed?????the gaang laughed. well except katara

zuko is learning he’s “human too” at the same time sokka’s learning that “being brave can mean failing”

they both bring out each others weaknesses and learn together how to grow within those weaknesses

now this is what i call balance

iroh does not miss.

#god this took a while #please feel free to add more if case i forgot something and i hope to god this actually made sense #sokka #zuko #zukka #atla #a good end to the 3rd anniversary of the prince and the fool #see u next year ;D

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twistedwonderlandshenanigans · 2 months

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TWST AU's - Feel Free to Ask About Them!

Legit have like 25 aus for TWST I'm not even joking and most of them are self indulgent and the list WILL grow sfhkldjfhksd

Coffeeshop AU (fleshes out Khan x Leona (this is a bad ship lmao they are NOT GOOD) and more sibling shenanigans between Vizzie and Leona)

Summer Camp AU (focuses around Sebek and Epel having been childhood crushes that reunite as camp counselours at a camp Viz and Leona run, there are Many Side Stories)

Pokemon AU (self-explanatory, I made teams up with my s/o and a bunch of bg)

Assassin AU (Students are all sleeper agents, operating under STYX as their test subjects basically, and they have no idea until one student's tech starts to malfunction.)

Prison AU (everyone has fucked up reasons for being in jail, they are All Prisoners, you'll notice in almost all my aus I have a shit ton of angst)

Circus AU (self explanatory, my LeoVil AU and Idikei AU)

Robot/MurderDrones AU in which Ortho's creation is the catalyst for STYX to make more androids for commercial and industrial use, and as they gain more intelligence Ortho would like to find a way to free his fellow bots from being pawns to the humans.

Rarepair AU literally put everyone's names in a wheel and just said Yep to every pair, very fun, have not fleshed this out at all lmao

Zombie Apocalypse AU pretty self explanatory except there are shit like blot zombies and varying degrees of those, Cheka grows into quite the little leader, I have not decided whether the ending is "happy" as in everything is resolved, or happy as in it's Actually Happy

Tattoo/Soulmate AU People with magic typically get into tattooing because they have the ability to make soulmate tattoos, but it varies depending on romantic, platonic/queerplatonic, familial feelings or other ones. Trey, Vil and Leona run a shop together, Deuce wants to join, Viz accidentally becomes his adoptive sister it's all fun and relatively low on the angst actually lmao

Monster AU hehe I've talked about this on this blog before, check out my pinned post!!

FNAF AU lmao this one has so much angst but you probably knew that already, inspired more by the pizzaplex/security breach than any other FNAF game, but a lot of the same type of lore

Coraline AU in which Viz gets to be Leona's big (half) sister for once. Falena is the eldest and treated with respect, everyone knows Viz isn't the king's biological daughter but they have to put up with her because the queen does, and Leona was the attempt between the king and queen to fix everything - it didn't work and he feels that. Ends up using an escape to another world to try and avoid that feeling, only to realize something much more sinister on the other side.

Biological Sister AU not super intuitive, seeing as above, Viz is Leona's half sister, but in this au she is also related him, just via the king this time. Don't ask me why I named it this, but it is what it is, she's taken in by the royal family early on and tries to bring it together. Idk it was a fun idea at the time.

Genderbent AU I wanted to explore Vizzie's trauma if she was around a bunch of other girls instead of guys and it goes Poorly but it's fun lmao

DnD AU b/c I've never played DnD and wanted to kinda learn so it's DnD inspired but the rules/roles aren't super strict but the worldbuilding is SO MUCH FUN (there are SO many dynamics all going on at the same time its GREAT)

Medieval Fantasy AU This is moreso my S/O's AU than it is mine but I wanted to talk about it because it also has a lot of fun worldbuilding in it that we did together (like the effects of OB and whatnot in this world)(also heavily inspired by DnD)

Arranged Marriage AU Viz and Riddle both have very overbearing, traditional moms and end up together against each others wills and have to unlearn their distaste for each other before they can start really working together to find ways to make each other happy

Greek God/Epic AU In which Viz takes on the Odyssey with Leona as her guide - he wants to prove himself worthy of the title of a God, and she will do anything to protect her people. It gets Complicated fast. (I actually have art I drew for this au lmao)

Poppy Playtime AU Really fucking depressing tbh, again, upon the perfection of Ortho's robotic aids (he never died, just severely incapacitated), all the other children that were used as test subjects were abandoned as half done projects and experiments that resembled toys

Dance AU I throw a bunch of the characters into dance. Vil, Riddle and Neige are on top but all three of them are having Gender Issues but in Big Denial about it.

Fairy AU My S/O also developed this one initially but I have a few different headcanons from them :D

And then I have 4 other aus I might take to Ao3 just because it seems people can filter tags better on there and uh. They Need Tags lmaooo

#v talks #twst #twst au #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst wonderland #twisted wonderland

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habeascorpseus · 9 months

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when i was in 7th grade, i had my first boyfriend. corny shit, i know. in many cases i dont think middle school relationships are enough to be classified as dating- but to this day, i do firmly believe our clumsy attempts at recreating the behavior of couples barely older than us did count. there was an emotional connection there. we had met in 6th grade and bonded over fnaf and minecraft 3 animations and all those other things that people still found found entertaining in 2014.

another notable thing in 7th grade that happened was that i had discovered i was transgender. well, i say "discovered", but it was honestly a long time coming. between my obsession with being seen as a "tomboy," my favorite song on the Kidz Bop 16 CD being Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" (but sung in a way to make it so much less about cheating that it really became more of a call to action to imagine life as a man) to the point where i manually would loop it on my cd player for hours, and my growing love for mlm shipping— i had been a certified egg since i was in 4th grade. but despite being raised around and parented with about a dozen lesbian and gay couples since birth, i didnt know whether or not my parents were transphobic or not. so, after looking through a list of trans identities, i decided to just come out as genderfluid to my parents as sort of a compromise to the intimidating rigidity of being a trans boy. and even though it wasn't entirely fitting to what i'd ultimately figure out about myself, i grew pretty attached to it.

back to the middle school boyfriend.

at the end of 7th grade— like, a week before summer vacation— i publically came out as genderfluid. while my ex, who i will from now on refer to as Lou, had initially taken it well, albeit with some confusion, over the summer, a much different series of feelings began unfolding. unfortunately, as middle school boys are wont to do whenever one of them begins to act even slightly against the norm, his friends began asking him if he was gay. "if michael¹ is a boy sometimes, does that make you straight, or bisexual?" are some of the things i later heard them ask. and since i, phoneless till the age of 16, was unable to talk to him throughout this relentless picking apart of his own identity, by the time we got back to school, things were... different.

¹ Michael is the name i went by irl for 3 years from 7th-9th grade.

for one, there were the jokes. he was a big leafy fan (and i really did try even back then to steer him away from that but its hard when youre a cringe nerd middle schooler) and back then "attack helicopter" jokes were kind of all the rage, so he began jokingly identifying as a toaster. then he made a toaster mask out of a cardboard box, spray paint, and duct tape that he brought to school and began putting on whenever i walked by him in the hallway. and then, and possibly worst of all- a simple html website shared between his friends called "what gender is Michael today?" which lead to a random generator of options like, "boy", "girl", "toaster", and "attack helicopter." all of which is kind of a lot to deal with when youre a middle schooler with a pretty rough time of it already, and suddenly your main bully is the guy youve effectively been in a relationship with for 6 months.

and now you may be asking: hey habeas, why this sudden autobiographical deep dive into the most traumatic period of your life? what spawned this? how is this story relevant to literally anything going on? well, that's where the next part of the story comes in.

that year, our sex ed teacher was a 5ft transgender man named Mudd. Mudd had a buzzcut, and a higher pitched voice, and small hands, but beyond all of that, there was nothing visibly different about him than any other boy or man in the school. in fact, the boys thought he was cool as hell. they were fascinated by the idea of transformation of the self into an unrecognizable body. they never misgendered him, even after learning his status as a trans man. in fact, they were comfortable enough around him to be transphobic towards me. and Mudd, like a good trans mentor, told them to cut that shit out, and told me that regardless of how complicated and occasionally contradictory my identity was, it was still me, and i needed to stand up for who i was as a person.

a week later, Lou called me a tranny, and in response, i punched him in the nose and promptly stopped talking to him.

so again, why is this relevant? well, I'm not sure how terminally online (or specifically, on twitter) some of you are, but recently there's been a bit of a tiff in a certain fandom about bi lesbianism. specifically, how it, as an identity, is harmful to both the bisexual and lesbian communities. which, one: nooooo....??? bisexuality and lesbianism arent separate so much fraternal twins, and I've already talked too much to include further definitions to prove it. but my argument is really less about its validity as an identity and more about the principle of there being limits to acceptance, even within our community.

like with my experience, people were fine when they were faced with binary identities. a trans man like mudd is cool, or a trans girl like Jazz Jennings (we watched a lot of I Am Jazz in homeroom) could be seen as normal, and more so, inspiring. but when i came in with an identity people found to be contradictory or "too confusing," it resulted in backlash. the entire definition of being "queer" is to be abnormal to what general society finds acceptable, and even then, some things are "too weird" to be tolerated. even amongst "weird" people. which i find to be a pretty troubling trend amongst queer leftist young people who's only real experience with an "lgbt community" has been online. here, we prioritize and find catharsis in labels and categories to the point where the "queer community" has become instead split between identities- the gays, the lesbians, the bis, the transes, the aros and aces and the whatnot. in the real world, it doesnt matter what flavor of queer you are, nobody's going to stop and ask before they call you a groomer and then legislate your freedom away. which is why we, as an online queer community, have to get rid of the notion that some identities are "too contradictory" or "dont exist" enough to be worth giving support and love.

im saying all this here... because, well, one: nobody wants to read a 40+ tweet thread about my personal brush with irl homophobia and how that radicalized me against community separation in general, and two: i am deeply afraid of 14 year olds on twitter with too much time on their hands. but also im saying this because it was infuriating yesterday to watch my entire twitter feed suddenly turn into a puritanical campaign against the very concept of someones identity and have the ability to say nothing. it disgusted me how quickly we turn against our own simply because the way they are is confusing to our tiny fucking peanut brains. and i know none of those people who went on that tirade will read this, but i felt like it needed to be said anyways.

don't let society's impulse to ostracize the confusing and strange win out over human decency. don't do conservatives' strategy to divide and conquer us for them. a person's identity not being comprehensible to you is not inherently an attack on who you, yourself, are. you are your identity and you should stand up for it, and you should stand up for others' identities too. punch your bullies in the nose.

long live the confusing, the contradictory, and most importantly, the queer.

#habeas speaks #discourse #oh no hes on a soapbox again guys look out #hey sqlumi if you see this ever i hope you know that i think youre cool as hell for giving a middle finger to the entire operation #sorry so few people jumped to your defense and that you had to delete your twitter ik how hard it is to build a following there #aaaaanyways #pinning this for a day or two just bc

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eyelessfog · 1 year

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Shelby frowns at the still blackened and dead stone of Glimmergrove’s castle. “This blows,” she tells no one.

“Thar’ she blows!” Agrees a familiar voice, and Shelby hangs her head.

“Shut up, Joe,” Shelby tells him. There’s a quiet gasp, and Shelby turns, panicked. “Don’t shut up, Joe!” she corrects, glancing between Katherine and Pirate Joe.

Katherine’s brows are furrowed, and her mouth is downturned in a sad frown, but Joe seems entirely unfazed by the idea of Katherine realizing that they’re not nice to each other.

“I thought you guys were friends now?” Katherine says, voice wobbly.

“We are!” Shelby tells her. “Promise! I’m sorry!”

“It’s true, we are. And!” Joe winks at Shelby. “Apology accepted.”

As she usually does when in the general vicinity of both Katherine and Joe, Shelby stops herself from telling Joe that she wasn’t talking to him.

“Right,” Shelby says dryly. “Anyway, what’s the occasion? We don’t usually all show up here at the same time if there wasn’t a party planned.”

“Oh,” Joe says, raising a hand. “That’s my fault. I made Katherine show me how to work her boats. Dropped in unplanned and all that. You know how it goes!”

Shelby makes a face. “And you actually gave him the tour?”

Katherine shrugs. “I like my boats. Not gonna pass up the chance to show them off!”

“Yeah! It’s fine,” Joe says decisively. “It’s not as if I’d steal them.”

Realization dawns on Katherine’s face. “Oh. I didn’t think of that.”

Shelby turns her laugh into a cough, and Joe doesn’t even make the attempt. Katherine, good sport that she is, rolls her eyes. “I’ll be back with you in a minute, Shelby." As she walks past them both, into her castle, she calls over her shoulder, "Play nice, please!"

Shelby watches her until she literally can't anymore, and then turns to Joe. "Hey," she says.

Joe grabs her hands and spins her around, then places his head on her shoulder so that they're both staring at the palace walls. "Hi, Shelby! What are we looking at?"

"Curses, 'n stuff. I'm trying to figure it out without bringing Scott into the whole thing, 'cuz he keeps making these really weird faces at me when he thinks I'm not looking." She squints at the wall. "And I just... I'm pretty sure the problem is that no one knows where the source is. It's not just on the palace, or just on the land, or just on Katherine. I don't- I don't know where to find the source."

"Aw, Shels, that sucks. How are you gonna know the source if you find it?”

Shelby looks over the palace again. “Well, I assume it’s going to be like a skulk catalyst kinda thing, right? With skulk, it feeds off of souls of the dead, and all that-“

“It does?” Joe asks, voice high with fear.

Shelby looks over at him. “Uh, yeah? This is like… the first thing you learn about skulk.”

“When you’re a witch,” Joe reminds.

Shelby considers this. “Huh. I guess. But yeah, it feeds off of soul, then starts spreading.” She can feel the grin on his face from where he’s resting his chin on her shoulder. “If you say another word, I’ll kill you myself. Keep your jokes away from my ears. Anyway, the catalyst has a certain feel to it. It has a bit of magic and a bit of biology that makes it a little different from normal skulk, which lets it grow. I need to find the skulk catalyst equivalent in the kingdom.”

Joe leans back, taking his head off of Shelby’s shoulder. “Hm. So should we be looking over there?” He points to the right, towards the darker side of the kingdom. “Since it’s starting from there and all that.”

Shelby looks over. “Huh. I think you’re right.”

“I always am!” Joe hums.

“In no universe. You’re so lucky you have such a smart friend like me to tell you when you’re wrong.”

Joe looks her up and down, brows raised. The grin on his face lets her know he’s teasing when he says, “Riiiight. After all we’ve been through, I’m sure you’re the smart one.”

“Grades don’t count!”

“I’d sure hope not! I never went to school.”

“You’re breaking down your own case, Joe. I went to witch school.”

Joe squints at her, and then shoves the rim of her hat down over her eyes. “I win!” he decides.

Shelby pulls her hat off and adjusts where Tortoise sits on her hair. “You can’t just bully me and then decide you’ve won the argument.” She places the hat back squarely on her head.

“I just did!”

“Did not.”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did-“

“Um?” Katherine says, and Shelby schools the grin on her face into something less wild. Joe, as it usually goes, doesn’t even try.

“Hi,” Katherine says. “I got changed and stuff, so we can go explore the kingdom if you want to inspect the curse.” She looks between them. “If I’m not interrupting something.”

“Only the dumbest argument I think we’ve ever had,” Shelby says, waving her off.

“And you’re still friends?” Katherine asks, just to be sure.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Joe says. “It was funny. I’m curious about this magic stuff though, so keep working! I’ll just be here. Observing.” He stands to the side, blinking big innocent eyes at them.

---

Shelby takes the lead as they walk over to the cursed side of the kingdom. It's strange, because even the sky feels a little darker, just by being in this area.

Shelby turns to Katherine. "How does the whole thing work? Like, does it grow sometimes, or does it stay the same, or..?"

"It grows sometimes." Katherine scratches at the back of her neck. "Around my birthday."

She avoids eye contact, as if afraid that Shelby or Joey will berate her for her birthday.

"So it's a yearly curse. 'Cause you said it appeared first when you were born, right?"

"Um. Yes."

"And it's on your arm, right?"

Katherine tugs her long glove off her left arm and holds it out. Black-grey skin that fades back to Katherine's actual skin colour at the shoulder is revealed, and Joe sucks in a breath. "Grows every year, at about the same speed as the curse on the land," Katherine reports.

"Hm," Shelby says. She holds Katherine's hand, looking into her eyes. "Does it... hurt?"

"I can't actually feel it. At all. It's numb."

Shelby's eyes widen. "What?"

"What?" Joe echos.

"My arm is numb, up to where the grey stops. I don't know why."

Shelby considers this. "Do you remember that time, when you wore the other dress and your hair was up and you had..." Shelby points to the base of her neck. "The thing on your spine. That I said was probably connected to the curse?"

Katherine absently touches the back of her neck. "Oh, I do remember that. It's why I changed my usual dress to one with a high collar."

Joey frowns. "That was you? Shelby, come on now."

Shelby elbows him. "Not the time, Joe." Joe ducks his head in apology. "Spines have a lot of your nerves in it. If your curse is effecting your ability to feel things by corrupting your spine and the nerves inside - Katherine! Katherine, this is bad!"

Katherine laughs nervously. "I- uh- I have a bit of time before it gets really bad though, wouldn't you say? We just have to figure out where the problem lies."

Shelby looks around the cursed half of the kingdom. "I... I have to assume that if it's starting over here, then the core of it all is on this side, right? Either in the middle of the cursed area, or at the very edge and working it's way over there-" she points towards the docks, "-without spreading in the opposite direction. But I can't figure out why it would do that."

Katherine bites at her thumbnail. "My parents aren't a big fan of the night. But I- well." She gestures to herself. "I am. Dawn and GlimmerGrove have historically held similar opinions on nighttime, and I just have to wonder the reason."

Shelby tilts her head. "Katherine, you sound like you have a theory."

"I do." Katherine looks up at the sky, brows furrowed with worry. "So. You know how when the moon waxes, it gets darker?"

#[written in stone]#katherine elizabeth #shelby shubble #shubbletv #joey graceffa #empires smp #empires smp 2

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a-wild-julibean · 1 year

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oopsie here's an unsolicited sae analysis post

Too lazy to add photos so you guys are going to have to survive with just text lmao (warning! long post!!!!)

I feel that sae's biggest issue is his relationship with failure. Like every gifted kid expected to perform, sae has no idea how to react when things don't go his way. Unsurprisingly, he's a control freak (rin says himself that the reason sae chose shidou is because he'd be able to control a "demon" nobody else could) so things always *have* to go his way, and when they don't, he kinda bluescreens almost.

The earliest form of sae failing to accept losses or just being wrong in general is when rin and sae are eating ice cream together. Rin wins and sae loses, but sae instead turns it into rin "losing" and sae "winning" by telling rin that he shouldn't waste his luck on something like that. Yet, it's clear in sae's initial reaction of disgust upon seeing the losing result that he doesn't truly believe that. He just hates losing *that* much and is a stubborn bitch so he then proceeds to never correct this belief over the course of literal years. Sae cannot in any way shape or form accept defeat and grow from it. He is almost like the opposite of isagi. He cannot consolidate and adapt.

Delusion time for a moment: there is kinda no basis for this interpretation, but i feel that the ice cream scene can be applied to sae and rin themselves. What i mean by that is, i believe rin is actually more talented than sae. Some circumstantial evidence for this includes: rin's very first play/moment on the field is him pulling off honestly a crazy move for a toddler who's never played. The smoke effect that represents ego is immediately present as well. Additionally, sae's egoist bible profile includes that he asked santa to show him his yet discovered talent, which then can be interpreted as sae believing he doesn't have talent (vs. rin who does). Or, it could just be sae joking lmao he's a pretty funny dude after all.

Basically, when looking at the itoshi flashback through this lense, a lot of moments are recontextualized. Sae immediately approaches rin after rin first plays and says he'll be the best *after* sae, almost as to reign in rin's talent so he never dreams something beyond what his brother can do. His cruelties could possibly stem from jealousy.

Sae is forced to contend with immense pressure from all around him while rin can mostly play carefree. Sae is japan's greatest treasure and therefore must perform for the sake of his entire country. Rin just obeys his instincts as a child and everything works out. He even mentions after sae leaves for spain that without sae, soccer is restricting essentially because sae paved a path for rin and took on that "restrictiveness" upon himself. So two things rin has that sae doesn't: talent and freedom. This obviously worsens after the spain trip.

(quick aside: cannot believe sae was sent to a foreign country alone that does not 100% love accommodating foreigners for FOUR YEARS. AS AN ADOLESCENT. LIKE THOSE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENT YEARS.)

Now we return to the point of sae being unable to accept failure and such. Unlike what we have seen from the blue lock boys, being faced with the world makes sae cower and fail himself before the world does. He deems being the best striker impossible and switches to midfielder without really trying his absolute hardest in order to become the best. Unable to learn and grow from failure and unable to accept a loss, sae basically self sabotages when he changes his dream. Once again though, sae's stubborn as shit, so when he changes his dream he goes all in on it.

Even still, when sae returns he isn't 100% on the idea. He goes to see rin, likely the first person he sought out after returning, basically just for some validation. After 4 years of being valued for nothing other than soccer, i feel that sae probably just wanted comfort from his brother that isn't really connected to soccer. Rin then proceeds to reject sae's new dream and boom every resentment bottled up between the two explodes.

When sae plays rin, his goal *is* to crush rin's dream like his own was. He desperately wants to prove to himself that his choice to change wasn't wrong by showing up rin, his "more talented" brother. He wins, but isn't happy about it at all.

I think we all know that sae doesn't literally mean what he says when he then tells rin to quit. A lot of it is projection and defense mechanisms. But once again, he cannot accept defeat or admit to wrong doing so he doesn't. And then, again, the stubbornness comes back to prevent him from changing later down the line. Sae still loves rin of course and watches over him in his own way (watch sae's reactions to rin during the u20 match for proof of this), but yeah. Older sibling moment!!! He is never wrong :)))))

lmao okay that's it thanks for reading!! remember sae did nothing wrong <333 (delusional)

#blue lock #bllk #character analysis #text post #analysis #itoshi sae #itoshi rin

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kiriwiwii · 1 year

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Hello! really love the siblings ones u did! if u don't mind can i req the same thing with Leo and Natsume with a fem!reader / younger sister? thank you and have an amazing day :D

Sibling Headcanons ♡ Leo Tsukinaga & Natsume Sakasaki

A/N: sorry this is really late😭😭 and it's kinda short but i hope you like it<3

❥ LEO TSUKINAGA

growing up with leo was extremely fun. leo never got tired of playing games and spending time with you,, i mean he is literally more childish than you-

he loved your toys more than you did tbh. you enter your room and all of a sudden you see a ginger head playing with your dolls on the ground. he says they give him inspirations.

are we sure you are the younger one here?

most of the time you spent with him was... pure chaos. you were constantly fighting with each other as a joke (or maybe not) and you guys were loud as hell. leo would be the one to be scolded every time since he's the older one.

still, you always listened to your parents and behaved like a good child. leo didn't tho and he kept getting in trouble--

you are surely not the younger one.

knights like you more than they like leo... they think you are incredibly cute and definitely more bearable than him.

you are a huge inspiration to leo! he always asks for your help when he does music. he loves composing with his little sister and you both have a lot of fun together.

and of course, we know that leo isn't all about mischief. he is aware of his own behaviors and he usually thinks that he is not a good brother to you.. he tries to become a serious and protective brother from time to time.

even though he is not good at it he loves and cares for you very much,, and he always tries his best to be a good big brother.

❥ NATSUME SAKASAKI

come to think of it, natsume would be an amazing brother??

we all know how he cares for his loved ones and since you are his dear sister, expect him to be a little protective. he would never want you to get hurt in any way.

he would curse them to death if anyone dared to upset you. ok maybe he is more than "a little" protective-

he is not too clingy but not that distant either. he is comfortable with sharing his feelings or ideas with you but he still doesn't share everything because he doesn't want you to be worried.

he loves hugging you and he's surprisingly not ashamed to admit it. i mean you are his cute little sister of course he is gonna show affection to you!

he teaches you everything he knows about magic. he loves it when you want to help him with his experiments and learn things from him.

he trusts the other switch members to take care of you when he's busy. both tsumugi and sora love you like you're their sister!

you can see the happiness in natsume's eyes when he sees sora and you hanging out. he joins you as well and sometimes you three just stay up all night playing video games together.

#ensemble stars x reader #enstars x reader #ensemble stars #ensemble stars headcanons #enstars headcanons #sibling headcanons #natsume sakasaki #natsume sakasaki x reader #leo tsukinaga #leo tsukinaga x reader #kiri writes ⭐

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mdhwrites · 10 months

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I believe the villains in Owl House got screwed over because Dana disliked writing them. Belos was stripped of his complexity, ignoring his lore, Kikimora was reduced to a joke, and the Collector was transformed from a malicious, cruel person to an innocent kid who only wanted friends. It feels like Dana doesn’t enjoy writing villains.

So I don't think it's that Dana hates villains. I think it's that the TOH writers had no interest in writing an adventure series. Because of how much time is wasted, even in S2B, purely on romance and schoolkids being schoolkids (Them's the Breaks still has no point to exist after all) and how the villains are barely there outside of something to beat at the end of an episode, it kind of feels like the crew just wanted to do a magical school show which makes the supposed claim that Hexide was Disney mandated hilarious.

This actually also goes for the characters too though. A real adventure show would care about its power levels, its tricks and tools and actually showing the growth of our characters as fighters, not just as people. TOH... doesn't. Willow's big gimmick when she's first introduced is that she is incredibly powerful but can't control it. Then THREE EPISODES LATER, in the first episode that has Willow in it for more than a minute, it's resolved. Period. Until fucking S3. At that point, she is all powerful. Luz is all powerful by the beginning of S2, literally three episodes after she got her last glyph. Arguably, by Young Blood, Old Souls because she kicks the shit out of the entire Conformatorium in that one.

Even before then, most villains show up, cause a slight problem and then are quickly defeated after the character moment that the show setup with the conflict is resolved because their purpose is not as villains, it's just for the sake of it being an adventure show. Even the creatures of the Isles are for this purpose. That's also why most villains in TOH get like MAYBE three minutes of screen time at most. This would actually be okay if interesting things were being done with the characters but... Well, Luz goes through the same lesson multiple times in S1 about not taking cheats for magic and listening to Eda, almost ALL of King's plotlines in S1 are just repetitions of "Maybe don't see people as disposable pawns?" until S2 it's all "FAMILY!" until he's unrecognizable from his S1 counterpart. Then Gus has shades of self confidence issues in ALL of his episodes and never anything else. Then in S2 we have Hunter who is just mostly there in his episodes and learning constantly, "Maybe... Maybe friends are nice?" rather than actually challenging his world views and making him grow that way. That's also why I claim the show actively ships him with every girl his age.

It ironically makes the fact that TOH is so split in its identity feel like a necessity for the writers to have had more than at best two season's worth of material. With how much they recycle plot points, characters, etc. like that, of course it wastes time because it has no idea what to do with the amount of time it had.

Ignoring Belos' lore though is a different problem that has to do with his role as the big bad clashing with this, because he can't just be a slight obstacle to be overcome or else he looks like a joke like Kikimora or the coven heads came off as, but also that... Well, the show was ending.

So because they had nothing to do in S3 to keep audience interest because S2 had wrapped up too much, they leaned hard into saying "We have a complex villain, we swear," to keep people theorizing and invested in the show until the third special came out and the show went "JK LOL! We need to wrap this shit already. BYE!" Like they KNEW they didn't have the time, it's ENTIRELY on them to have focused so hard on Belos and then pulled the rug out from under everyone but...

But that's also just the normal trick of TOH. Here's the golden guard. No wait, he's a sad but mad boy, let's wrap this up. Here's a bully character who has deep ties to wanting the status quote to stay and should have a dozen anxieties about liking Luz. Never mind, none of that mattered, she's actually a good girl and has no issues getting into love besides the basic question of 'will she say yes?' Here is the ex-coven head for the EC who got betrayed and hurt by Belos while trying to just be a good sister fi- ISN'T HER TRAUMA HILARIOUS!?

If Dana disliked writing the villains, frankly, that means she disliked writing 90% of the show because most parts of the show aren't actually any better than the villains. They just got more screentime.

========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

#the owl house criticism #toh critical

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slayerchick303 · 11 months

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In honor of Pride, here are some more of my Queer as Folk hot takes:

I hate the Jenny Rebecca custody battle storyline. For one thing, it's tedious as hell. Also, I don't believe Ben would support Michael in that bullshit. Ben is all about balance and everything in moderation. There's no way he would be like, "We know these 2 women are good mothers, but because they're no longer a couple, that makes me and Michael more qualified to have custody of JR." Like, no. When Hunter's mother came back, he was all set to send Hunter back to her without a custody battle before learning how she abused Hunter. Him supporting Michael in the fight for Jenny Rebecca makes no sense.

The way the show resolved Ted's self-esteem problems sucked. They literally made him have to have cosmetic surgery to have any confidence. It would've made more sense for Ted to have overall better mental health and realize his self-worth after becoming sober and having therapy. It would've been a much healthier message for society, too.

The show making Drew Boyd gay was stupid. The guy is obviously bisexual. He says he has sex with a million women as well as men. He also says he's attracted to and loves his female fiancee while he's having an affair with Emmett. He's not gay. Making him, as well as Hunter and Lindsay, binary sexualities is bi erasure and is straight up nonsensical.

Michael is often an asshole in season 5, and I hate how judgemental his character becomes. Yes, it's good that Michael doesn't bend over backward to defend Brian as much when Brian would never do the same for him. Especially since Michael often shielded Brian from criticism from others when Brian's choices frequently went against Michael's own values. A moment I especially hate is when Michael and Brian are fighting in the empty Babylon when Brian is trying to convince Michael to drop the custody battle for JR, because it'll fuck over Lindsay (which Brian is totally right about). Michael says that Brian needs to grow up because Brian doesn't want a monogamous relationship, to get married, or to have children. It's fucking bullshit. Brian is not childish for not wanting those things. Brian calls Michael out on being a judgemental, sanctimonious, twat. Michael used to defend Brian for having different desires for his life because Brian's wants are 100% valid. When Michael gets married, moves to the suburbs, and has JR/fosters Hunter, he becomes this dick who thinks that if you don't have the same priorities as him, you're immature. That's a horrible belief and a total change from the accepting person he used to be.

There could have been a much better ending to Ted revenge fucking the guy (Troy) who pity fucked Ted as a Pride "gift" in season 2. Ted's initial plan to tell Troy he's Ted's pity fuck now is awesome, and Ted falling for him is 100% on brand for Ted's character. Troy continuing to be an asshole and them breaking up, despite both genuinely liking each other in the show, makes me a little sad. I have an idea for a much better end for them. Troy immediately boasts to Ted about his hobby of sleeping with "losers" as a joke in the show and that he did it to someone in Ted's building (not realizing it was actually Ted himself). Instead of what the show did, as Troy and Ted spent more time together, Troy could have seen how well Ted treated people. It could've made Troy realize that what he used to do was really shitty. We could've even seen Troy run into one of his pity fucks earlier on his own and apologize, saying that he was horrible, lead the guy on, was sorry, and hoped the guy found someone who saw how great he was. Troy could've expressed to Ted that being with him made Troy want to be a better person (because Ted does that for essentially everyone in his life by being so supportive and kind, especially after getting sober). It would've been amazing for that final night at Babylon to go a different way. Emmett could still come up to ask if Ted had dumped Troy yet, only to realize Ted had fallen for him. Then, instead of what the show did, all of them could've seen Troy apologize to the random guy he wronged who came up to him about Troy ditching him. It would've been great if Troy said after that that he wished he could find the guy he did the same thing to in Ted's building so he could apologize to that guy too, and that Ted had inspired him to take accountability. The gang could see Ted admit that he was Troy's pity fuck there. Troy could sincerely apologize in front of everyone and say he'd understand if Ted never wanted to see him again and/or if all of Ted's friends hated him. The gang could give Ted and Troy their blessing, and Ted and Troy could end up together. After all, Ted's friend group forgave people for MUCH worse behavior (i.e. Blake nearly killing Ted).

What are your Queer as Folk unpopular opinions? Tag me in your post or put them in a reblog if you do this. Here is PART TWO:

#happy pride 🌈#queer as folk #queer as folk us #queer as folk 2000 #qaf #qaf us #qaf 2000 #qafamily #brian kinney #michael novotny #ted schmidt #ben bruckner #britin

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yuriririn · 5 months

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Someone Great

A/N: I haven’t written fanfiction ever since I temporarily gave up hardcore fangirling a couple of years back. I’m so out of touch, but creativity has been creeping onto me lately because law school is eating up most of my life.

Do you wanna guess who she'll end up with? :)

Prelude and part one under the cut! ❤

—

PAIRING | Park Jongseong (Jay) x reader

WC | 1.6k

GENRE | fluff, angst, slice of life

WARNINGS | explicit language

SYNOPSIS | I was told that I was going to love six boys in my life before I meet the one I'm going to love forever.

—

PRELUDE

Seven boys. I am going to love seven boys in this lifetime.

I went to a Chinese temple once when I was 10 because my mother was a hardcore fortune junkie and believed in these superstitions. She made (forced more like it) me come with her to see if I was going to grow up rich or something and while I myself didn’t believe in it, I let her do what she wanted because really at that point in life I never saw myself as anything or anyone once I reached my twenties.

Not sure if they still have this now, but I inserted a coin in what looked like a gacha machine and pulled out a piece of paper (I vividly remember that I pulled a number 15) which supposedly contained my future and how life would be like for me in terms of health, wealth, love, and everything else.

It said that I would meet and love exactly six men in my life before I meet the one for me. Back then I never obsessed on boys or the idea of dating in general, but as a young girl, it sparked my interest because the concept of love was something new. I kept that single piece of paper until I graduated college.

—

ONE. THE FIRST.

Everyone remembers their first. First crush, first date, first hug, the first hand they’ve ever felt, and the first pair of lips they’ve ever touched with their own.

His name was Park Jongseong. We called him Jay.

Jay was the perfect first love. He was handsome, kind, lit up the room whenever he entered, valued his friendships, and was the ultimate momma’s boy. I met Jay when I was 13. He was 14, an only child of a business man, learned how to drive at 16, and was the boy of my dreams.

He was tall, slender, had jet black hair that was often pushed back to show his sharp, manly features. He had a small scar at the top of his nose in between his eyes, and often had a cut in the middle of his lower lip. At first it made him look like a bad boy, someone your mother wouldn’t dream of you ever end up dating. But deep inside, he was kind, caring, and really embodied my love language (which is of course, acts of service). I dedicated literally every Taylor Swift song to him and thought that I was going to love him forever.

I vaguely remember the day we met, but I do remember the first time I went out with him. I was so impressed by how much he spent on me considering we were just kids and didn’t really get much for a weekly allowance (at least that was the case for me). He was every boy a girl could ever hope their first love would be. He treated me to lunch, held my hand in the movie theater, and I even got my first kiss when he dropped me home that one day.

“I’ve never done this before.” Because I really hadn’t yet. The closest form of intimacy I’ve ever had were hugs and hand-holding, and most of these didn’t even come from certain “significant others.”

“Just close your eyes.” He seemed experienced.

Was I supposed to feel embarrassed for not knowing where to put my hands? When should I open my eyes? Should I say thank you afterwards?

See, these are the things I wished they taught us at school.

And then, in the midst of all this overthinking, our lips touched.

My first kiss was memorable because we laughed it off immediately after. He asked me how it was and I replied with, “Felt like a rough wilderness, but I guess it’ll feel better later on.” He never let that go because it was the object of literally every inside joke we have among our friends.

Jay took care of me a lot. He made sure that I ate during lunch and that I received gifts every “monthly anniversary.” He took me to the movies, drove me around, even taking the long ways to places just so we can spend more time sightseeing. He would hold the door for me, carry my heavy bags full of high school necessities, and wipe the sweat off my forehead after cheerleading practice.

We had a lot of fun dating throughout those years, but when I turned 16, I got more and more exposed to school activities, boys in general, and learned more about myself and what I loved doing. Jay was extremely supportive in the things I did, and even if I didn’t get along that much with his mom, he continued to love me as though I was the only woman in his life.

One fateful morning, I woke up after a busy day at school (we stayed up until midnight for a runway where I had to represent my class and model for the students who helped design clothes based on a theme) and I’m not sure if it was due to exhaustion or the gradual turn of events between Jay and I, but this was something I will always remember even up to this day.

It was the day I realized that I was no longer in love.

Going back to that very day, I was so angry, frustrated, and even disgusted with myself for even thinking about dumping my dear boyfriend. My dear, sweet, caring, Jay who treated me like I was glass. But the hardest part of it was accepting the fact that I no longer felt the same. I no longer felt the heat of the sun in my body whenever we touched. I no longer felt the sweetness in the laughs that we shared. I no longer felt the butterflies in my stomach when in fact it used to feel like there was an entire amazon in there. Everything just felt so empty. Was that how it was supposed to feel like?

I forgot when and at what point I stopped loving Jay, but I knew that he did not deserve me the very moment I even started to doubt my feelings. The night before I finally admitted to myself that I no longer loved him was actually NORMAL. He picked me up from school, we laughed, shared stories, held hands, and even kissed before I hopped off the car when I reached home. Yet, I knew I couldn’t keep these feelings away from him. I couldn’t hide them in the depths of my young heart. I was just too small, and the feeling only grew more as I made every little thing that he did for me a big deal.

“Did I do something wrong?” He choked. I felt the shock from his voice. He sounded like he felt every kind of negative emotion all at once.

I took a deep breath and said, “I just don’t think I feel the same anymore.”

“All of a sudden? Have you been feeling like this for a while?”

“I don’t know.” I really didn’t know. I just knew that even if I was still so young at the time, I spent three years of my young age with Jay. It was my first time ever sharing a huge chunk of my life to someone else. Back then, it felt like a mini-forever.

It was a 23-minute phone call.

We broke up that night, and I cried myself to sleep for the first time.

It was my first heartbreak, and it wasn’t even for a guy who hurt me. He didn’t even try to hurt me.

Jay lingered for a while. I understood why he held such as a special place in my life and I knew that he was someone my young heart had to experience to know what it was really like to reciprocate a feeling. He was my first leap of faith, my dip in the pool before I dove in, the sweet sensation at the tip of my tongue before I took a bite. I still so clearly remember how he held me the first time we hugged, and the scar he had on his lip when we first kissed.

I was his first love, and he mine.

#blog #kpop #kpop bg #kpop boys #enhypen jay #enhypen #park jongseong #jay x reader #someone great #fanfic #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen fluff

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fleshadept · 2 years

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boy (2010) is not a horror movie. i feel like this shouldn’t need to be said, but i’m responding to this post:

specifically, this addition:

okay. what op is describing as “the narrative arc of a horror movie beat-for-beat” is rising tension in the conflict of the movie (boy’s fantasies about his dad vs. the actual reality) coming to a head before the climax. that’s literally it. their perception of boy as a horror movie is driven by the last addition. i saw the first part of the post a while ago and disagreed but didn’t feel the need to respond until the last part, because i just had no idea how anyone could read boy as a horror movie.

the last addition cleared that up. first of all, it’s distasteful to describe anyone’s actual lived experience as something out of a horror movie. second of all, you’re giving away your class upbringing, because anyone from a working class or impoverished family would never have seen this:

and been horrified. because children doing the dishes and helping each other around the house isn’t fucking abuse or neglect and it’s not “fucked,” it’s teamwork. it’s normal. what exactly is so horrifying about rocky drying off the dishes? why does the child putting silverware away in the drawer bother you? how old were YOU when you learned how to do the dishes? because personally, this could be a picture from my own childhood! as soon as my siblings and i could walk, my mom had us put our dishes in the sink or the dishwasher, then we learned to handwash as soon as we could, because my mom was constantly working to be able to support us on her own on a teacher’s salary.

“toddlers and preteens making meals for themselves and tucking the younger ones into bed” isn’t a horror scenario, i’m sorry. and it’s incredibly disrespectful and out of touch to claim that it is. if it was intended to be horrifying, the film would have framed it that way. but they framed it as the benign and normal thing that it is.

growing up impoverished, you kind of get used to some common discrepancies between lower class culture and upper class culture. one major discrepancy is the upper class belief that kids doing chores or helping around the house or being home alone while their guardians are at work is weird or abusive or out of line, and that line of argumentation has been used in the past to justify targeting specifically indigenous families with the court system to remove children from those families. obviously that wasn’t what op was going for, but the argument they’re making is intrinsically connected to that fact.

from a purely film analysis perspective, calling boy a horror movie is a misreading of the film that has no support within the text. all aspects of film language point to the above shot being a happy one: the frame is primarily pastel colors, they’re working together while watching a TV program they all enjoy, it’s very harmonious. earlier when boy was serving the food and kelly said “crayfish again?” in complaint, the joke was that crayfish is a delicacy in most places. when boy tells rocky they’ll swim in swimming pools all the time after they find the treasure, rocky says “i’ll just swim in the sea,” pointing out again that the life they have their is not only fine, but unique and nice.

this is a film telling an incredibly personal story on taika’s part. it’s a love letter to his upbringing and his home, as well as a dissection of it. it’s not a fucking horror movie.

#sorry if this came off as rude but op's post was lowkey insulting as hell #Anyway.#ignore this if you want idc #boy (2010) discussion group #cricket chirps #taika waititi #i honestly wouldn't have responded if the post didn't have a bunch of people in the notes agreeing #like come ON are you kidding me

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smiletimeisrunningout · 5 months

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okay more Baldur's gate things because I'm definitely adding my Lex (half elf, wizard, criminal past, supposedly into knowedge?? the summary is: she's a weirdo with a personal code and lots of tadpoles) to my multi and yesterday it was hilarious:

I saved the thiefling and that's all that matters to me/Lex (don't know what I'll do when I'll try a less 'gotta protect the underdog even though I'm supposed to be a criminal' person), though I may have skipped forward too fast for a level 3 character in act 1 by killing all the goblin leaders, including the one we could have apparently recruited if letting those innocents be slaughtered. No wonder she gets along with Wyll best.

I had Volo rip her eye out by accident when pushing him to go on with his crazy experiment to remove the tadpole so now she can see invisibility with her prosthetic one. No, I will not be taking criticism or questions at this time (I need to rp the after because she was impossibly chill about it and that's canon)

Lae'zel came onto her??? Is that how you say when someone basically tells you she'd like to jump your bones? which is literally out of nowhere because as much as Lex finds her funny in my head, they disagree about everything, but because Lex didn't run away from giant fights (which I HATED, I was forced to, and I'm pretty sure Lex didn't want to do given her background) she was into her???? Obviously if I rp I won't ask another rper to replicate that, just to know that Lex would keep her and the others forever and have weird adventures because FUN. Also Lex NEVER takes her threats seriously nor shows all that respect, mostly she makes smartass or amused comments, but also got in the way so Shadowheart wouldn't kill her and won't criticize her for her way to live.

Shadowheart woken Lex up at night when almost killing Lae'zel WHILE SHE SLEPT (after the artifact fight) and she was saying she'd claim La'zel had started changing, so while I interrupted the fight peacefully there is no way Lex specifically as a character would ever grow super close/trust her again? I headcanon Lex is fine with people keeping their secrets, she does it too, but betraying trust and companions and lying about it, and the 'attacking a companion while they sleep'? Against her code. Even if she feels affection for her, she hasn't forgotten that Shadowheart wasn't exactly joking when she said 'huh I'd kill you right away' after Lex told her that if she (Shadow) turned she'd tie her up and go find a cure for her. She tries not to disrespect her faith and supports her, let her keep the artifact (and saved her on the ship at the beginning) so she thought they were getting closer, but this crossed the line even if Lex will still treat her as a friend and defend her.

ASTARION IS SO FUNNY. I stand by the idea that 'Lex will insult/roll her eyes at him at all times, but violently protect him with her life, she feels she's the only one who can be like 'shut the fuck up, Astarion' and won't let anyone else mistreat him unless it's a friendly thing, even told the others to trust him when they learned he's a vampire. I like the idea that she's very "I'm not buying any of your crap" to him, while unable to stop smiling at him and secretly worrying for him. Also I feel that when he sensed that she wasn't about to suggest sex at the druids party he was like 'I want sex... NOT WITH YOU' only because she wasn't giving him the vibe she'd say yes, otherwise they'd probably be considering it, even if it's just casually? Astarion was shockingly offended by Gale's reveal because 'he didn't tell his FRIENDS he was dangerous' he used the words "friends", he focused on that, me as a player and Lex as a character are so intrigued by that, considering that Lex herself didn't feel that personally slighted by Gale not telling the truth in general, just not liking that he might die nor that he didn't tell them he could "erupt" (also, if there had been a dialogue option for it, she'd have been like "you didn't tell you were a vampire and tried to bite me while I slept??" She gave him permission to do it once because she's a weirdo and it hurt, but it was such a dangerous thing). By the way, she told Astarion she can suck the enemies' blood but not hers, because it DID hurt and because she's not going to give her literal blood to people. She kinda looks at him softly when they are not bantering so there is that, and she drank his wine so. Weirdest relationship.

Wyll got horns and she's into the demon look. No but seriously, Wyll is the one she effortlessly gets along with and she likes so much (because they are both heroic even if she's not supposed to be) even though I accidentally started romancing Gale. She still thinks so very highly of Wyll even after knowing about him making a mysterious deal with the devil, never knew she wanted to be heroic too until meeting him and realizing she was choosing to fight for others all the time, the way no one ever fought for her. So help me god if the others don't rally up for her if she gets in danger.

Karlack is going to be her best friend, I can feel it. But she just arrived and I don't know much.

We are in love with the dog.

I know nothing of Minthara, I killed her right away to protect the tieflings.

I have Halsin in my camp but considering I didn't directly save him, I don't know him much

I ACCIDENTALLY started romancing Gale to see if he'd respond well (when they performed a spell that bonded them a bit, so I reasoned she got a bit lost in it, and conjured the image of them having a romantic walk? she's weirdly sweet?) but I can feel that once he revealed his secret Lex pulled back because he not only hid it for so long, but can't deal with the 'sleeping with a goddess wasn't enough' which makes her think of how many tadpoles she put in her brain, even if she's still very friendly to him and kinda flirty, and I'm so curious to see where it'd go, but I think this was too big of a secret for her??

Karlack is going to be her best friend, I can feel it. But she just arrived and I don't know much.

We are in love with the dog.

I know nothing of Minthara, I killed her right away to protect the tieflings.

I have Halsin in my camp but considering I didn't directly save him, I don't know him much

We got Withers, Lex still can't believe a magical corpse is trying to get her money. He's is the equivalent of that guy in Spyro who asks you lots of diamonds to build bridges. It's hilarious.

Lex is shoving tadpoles in her head, she WANTS to be a cool wizard and I headcanon it's to protect herself because she lived a life of rejection and hunger, but in the end she's slipping into I NEED POWER TO SURVIVE. Yet she refuses to abandon companions who are a threat.

I literally made this post her unofficial about page in my multi.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #i can't wait to add her and rp her but I can't until I know the full story #or at least the full story in my playthrough

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dash-n-step · 1 year

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the weirdest part of going online is finding out that people (genuinely or not) spread the idea that "marche was wrong/the villain".

edit:

For FFTA, it's a surprisingly common take/joke that Marche is "the villain" for trying to undo the world of Ivalice, usually making him out as being mean or a violent unneeded reality check.

Considering, the game's plot is centered around whether this decision is right or wrong, it's not too surprising that people saw the conflict without understanding the resolution, but most of the arguments that paint Marche as a villain boil down to

The citizens of Ivalice are alive, so destroying the world is killing them

Doned can walk in the new world, so returning to the real world is basically crippling him all over again

In general, everyone's happier, Marche wants to go home just because he benefits the least from the new world, and he is forcing others to wake up

The issue is, most of these points are rejected within the story, made pointless through the existence of other games, or expanded upon in guidebooks or the radio drama.

The citizens of Ivalice are prisoners as well, subject to the whims of a boy king who is already being manipulated to enact unfair laws and a corrupt justice system. We see people from the real world turned into monsters, and we see people from the Final Fantasy world like Montblanc, none the wiser about the instability of their royals, or the very world they live in (Remember, the world was falling apart even before Marche started picking at the seams, he only ever figured out he could because of that).

Also, even when the game is done, the world still persists so "that version" of Ivalice is fine, with both real world (Mewt) and final fantasy characters (Montblanc) remembering it, even if the latter remembers it as a dream.

Doned issues within the game aren't just that he's unable to walk, but that he's hates all the treatments and being confined within the hospital. Whenever this issue is brought up, usually the idea that Marche's complaints being that thanks to Doned he's ignored by his mother, don't weight up to being unable to walk and that he's being childish. You know, the LITERAL ACTUAL CHILD who is being ignored by his only parent, and knows that he can't ask for anything because what do you say to take away time from someone who needs constant medical attention, and when he DID ask for things, he got scolded for it. There's also the issue that it implies that the best way for a disabled person to live is to simply get rid of their disability, it ignores that, at the end of the game, Doned grows to have a better attitude towards life and actually starts making friends and having fun. The issue wasn't that he couldn't walk, but that he was a child put in a rough situation that he didn't know how to face.

Almost EVERY "Marche is the villain" take usually hinges solely on Doned, and the complicated relationship between the brothers, and it never takes into account anything about Doned's need for emotional growth (because, again, these are all KIDS), just the idea that there's only one good way for Doned to be "fixed".

Continuing from earlier, not everybody in Ivalice got to live the "happy and fun life" the kids supposedly did: Mewt is STILL all alone in the new world. His "mother" is there, but isn't even actually her, his father has a job but he's in charge of a corrupt system. Ritz has a place where she belongs, but she'll never see her mother again, the same mother who dyed her hair because she was ashamed of it, until she finally learns she can be proud of it. Even Marche who DOES benefit from the new world and thus would have his own reasons to stay (as he's given the talent and prestige to lead his own clan and be a hero): the only reason Marche is able to get as far as he did was because people both from the real world and Ivalice agreed that things couldn't stay the way there were.

It's not like this was the "best written game ever" (and a lot of people who have an issue with FFTA's story are usually people who were looking for something more dramatic like the original tactics), however, a lot of the "Marche is a villain" or "Marche is the antithetical to all fantasy games" are usually exaggerations, a complete misunderstanding of the story, or are statements made in bad faith for the sake of a quick joke.

Happy Twentieth Anniversary

#final fantasy #final fantasy tactics advance #marche radiuju #doned radiuju #final fantasy tactics #ffta #ivalice alliance #long post #dashingposts #dashingreplies #dashingedits

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thedawningofthehour · 8 months

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Okay. I am all fed, Angel is placated for the time being, and I have my noise-cancelling headphones on to drown out the sound of the 24/7 news cycle my mother keeps on constantly. I'm sitting down to write out Tigerclaw's Tragic Backstory. Not all of it, because there is stuff I'm going to have him reveal in the story and stuff I want him to be mysterious about, but whatever we'll get to that. Uh, all the warnings.

(bean wait to read this until you're clocked in)

Ah shit, where do I even start? So our Tigerclaw was born somewhere between 1810 to 1830 in a rural mountain community in China. I know 2012 Tiger Claw was Japanese, but I do believe I explained why I decided to change that when he was introduced. (in short-tigers aren't native to Japan, and while it made sense in the lore of the show it bothered me immensely as a stylistic choice) I've researched and cobbled together information kind of sporadically over the chapters and I keep terrible notes, but I think this is generally where I've been assuming he grew up:

I know this area is technically in Sichuan when Tigerclaw said he's from Chongqing and I'd like to clarify-the last Yokai holdout in China was in Chongqing. He went there before the last of them emigrated to the Hidden City. And I may be misunderstanding this-forgive me this is an area of history and geography I didn't know much about going in and I'm still learning-but it looks like Chongqing and Sichuan were combined at the time? Chongqing wasn't its own province until 1997. Also they were still under the Qing dynasty and China didn't really exist as we know it today. I'm not sure what labels Tigerclaw would have used at the time, and I'm also keeping in mind that he was young and from a community that had a pretty small worldview. They fished and farmed, considering the region they probably primarily raised livestock. So Cass's assumption that they were uneducated in not far off. (if someone knows more about this specific region feel free to chime in, but that's what I've gathered so far) He probably didn't grow up hearing the names of his province or kingdom, just 'our village' and 'name of river we fish from' and 'name of town we go with Dad to trade stuff in.'

I don't have anything concrete for his backstory preceding his kidnapping. Kind of just an average upbringing for someone in that region. His community wasn't thriving or rich, but they got along decent enough. He probably lived in a multi-generational home, with his father's parents and potentially great-grandparents and aunts and uncles. He has at least one sister, who I described as being younger than him, (though I've been thinking about flipping that because I kind of like the idea of Alopex being a protective older sister) but considering the time period and culture they likely had many siblings and cousins. I generally consider them to have been older siblings, if not the eldest. Their abduction wasn't the big event that Donnie's was. Tigerclaw and Alopex went exploring outside town one day, as they probably did a lot, and their family just never found any trace of them again.

So Songpo. Again, I had absolutely no intention of Taishi Songpo ever being like...fleshed out. He was literally just a name thrown in to make the world seem a little deeper. His name is even a fucking joke-Taishi was a civilian title during the Zhou dynasty, and the title for a Mongolian lord at the lowest rung of the latter. So...a baron. I don't even fucking remember what Songpo was supposed to mean, when I look it up now all I get is adverts for brands titled SongPo.

But anyway. This bitch. Was also an alchemist with delusions of grandeur, but unlike Draxum he actually wanted to use his creations to rule. I have no idea what his end goal was-rule over the Yokai population in that specific region? Take over the humans as well and crown himself emperor of China? He probably didn't quite think 'world domination'-but it was a much bigger world back then.

A meme to break things up.

So this guy kidnapped like. A lot of kids. Mostly from various rural communities around the countryside. His methodology was a bit different from Draxum's-he'd keep and work with the kids for a few years before mutating them, partly because the mutation process is extremely dangerous to young (especially pre-pubescent) people as it's hard to predict how the whole 'growing' thing is going to go, but also to learn their talents and tailor each mutation to take advantage their natural strengths. Tigerclaw wasn't a tiger by chance-Songpo specifically chose to make him one because he thought that would best suit his skillset.

But apart from the whole 'raise children to be my loyal warriors' thing, Songpo was very far from Draxum. He was extremely cruel, and used a combination of physical abuse and non-hypnotic brainwashing to bind his servants to him. By the time one of his kids was mutated, they were terrified and in awe of him.

Tigerclaw was his favorite, but that was more of a curse than a gift. He was subject to stricter training and punished far more harshly than the others, and Songpo kept him close. He was constantly tested and interrogated for signs of weakness or disloyalty, and beaten when he fell short. After a while Songpo's paranoia grew to the point where Tigerclaw was rarely allowed out of his sight, forced to sleep in his master's bed with him, and was barely allowed to talk to anyone besides Songpo-not the other mutants or kids, not even his sister. There was probably a sexual abuse element there, but we won't get into that part. Songpo saw Tigerclaw as the pinnacle of his work and his exclusive possession. And in turn, Songpo was Tigerclaw's entire life.

I got the brainworms for this from the kind of plot hole that is 2012 Tiger Claw trying to resurrect Shredder in season 5. A lot of people have floated that question-because, yeah, it doesn't make sense. Tigerclaw is a mercenary. His loyalty to Shredder is dependent on his paycheck not bouncing. No disgrace in that, that was the agreement between them. He doesn't seem to particularly like his job-he hates Karai and dislikes the other henchmen-aside from Bradford, who he tolerates. He didn't even like the Shredder. He disagreed with him over practically everything and showed that he was willing to go against him, such as when Shredder prioritized killing Splinter over stopping the literal end of the world.

Like bro this was not a good look for you.

And I'm not excusing that plot point here. That was a dumb storyline. This might be a controversial opinion here but I think 2012 had shit writing and was riddled with inconsistencies. I still love it, I love it for its characterizations and its plotlines, but how they executed it all was...not great.

But I kind of dug where my brain went trying to craft a narrative that might explain that. Someone who was trained to follow, to obey, to maybe question orders for the sake of learning and improving but will follow them regardless. Someone who was molded into a slave, had every bit of the human he was ripped out of him, and when his master was dead and he was free he could no longer remember how to be a person, much less his own. He's been conditioned to be obedient, merciless, and to throw himself on a spike to serve his owner. And he is far too proud to admit that.

So he sells himself as a mercenary, unconsciously searching for someone worth his loyalty and obedience. Because that's what's comfortable for him. He doesn't feel truly at peace unless he's serving.

That takes us to Draxum. I won't get into exactly why he chose to join up with Draxum in the first place, but at the beginning he thought Draxum was just another Songpo and figured Galois must be his own Tigerclaw. Maybe lacking a few of the more horrific details, but a master and his masterpiece all the same.

And make no mistake, Tigerclaw is not weeping for his lost childhood. He enjoys his longevity, his abilities, and he's fine having traded his humanity for that. But he's also aware that that's him talking. He recognizes that Songpo was insane, that what he was doing was despicable and that no kid should have to go through what he did. It turned out okay for him. That didn't make it okay.

When he meets Cass and Gale, he expects them to be child soldiers. Broken, obedient things that Draxum plans on enforcing his will with. But that's not what he finds. They're kids. Maybe kids with too much on their shoulders, but kids with a father who tries to keep their loads light. Kids who do dumb shit for the lulz and tease the people they're supposed to be subservient to.

And Draxum himself, while he's weird and dramatic and possessive over his son in his own way, still cares for them in a way Songpo never cared about anyone. He pushes them to eat well and get enough sleep not for any effect it has on the work the do for him, but because he cares that they're healthy. He's mindful of their mental health and constantly builds them up because he honestly thinks the world of them. He encourages independence and personal growth because he wants his kids to develop into well-rounded adults, and it legitimately pains him that he can't allow them their freedom.

In Galois and to an extent Cass, Tigerclaw sees the person he could have been, the person he should have been allowed to be. He sees all the children he watched suffer at the hands of Taishi Songpo, the children he watched die, and thinks of how wrong it all was. And maybe Draxum isn't right, but he's right in all the ways Songpo was wrong. Galois is his father's masterwork, his right hand and most valuable asset-and he is his son before any of that. He is a teenager. A child. And so is Cass.

So yeah. Tigerclaw isn't mourning his own loss. But if anyone tries to hurt those kids, tries to force them to do any of the things he was forced to do, does anything to prevent them from having the happy lives they fully and completely deserve-Tigerclaw will carve out their lungs with his bare hands.

#i feel like i'm forgetting something but this is already 2k words #it's late and i promised bean #tigerclaw #good ol' uncle stripes #doth ramblings #it's a tag now i just decided

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