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badjokesbyjeff · 7 hours

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There were three race horses; ernie, bill, and ted.

the three of them were good friends; they enjoyed racing each other and generally won and lost to each other equally. every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. they would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.

one season, bill wasn't doing so well. he rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. one night, at the bar, he talked with ernie and ted about it.

"you know, guys, i just can't figure it out," he said. "everything's fine at home; the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits - nothing could be better. maybe i'm just getting old. if things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."

the bartender, a big llama from peru, overheard the conversation. he looked around, to make sure nobody else was listening, then said, "hey, pal, i got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." he reached under the bar and pulled out an unlabeled bottle of beer. "here, drink this; i guarantee you'll start winning again. come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. if it doesn't work, i'll give you double your money back!"

bill looked at ernie and ted, who only shrugged, then drank the contents of the bottle. "oh, just one thing," the llama said, "it'll make your ass itch, but that's okay; it's just a side effect. don't worry about it." the three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.

over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. his racing times did improve! he was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with ernie and ted. bill was ecstatic, and thanked the llama profusely.

"hey, my pleasure," said the llama.

a few weeks passed by, and ernie started slowing down. after losing three races in a row, he sobbed to himself, "i just don't get it. my life couldn't be better. i can't believe I'm getting old! they'll send me to the glue factory if i don't get back in the groove!"

that evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer. "okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch - but don't pay it no mind. it's just a harmless side effect."

"no problem. it'll be worth it to get back in the groove," ernie said.

a few days went by. ernie's ass did indeed itch, but after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top three with bill and ted.

at the bar one evening, ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.

"i just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" ernie said. "you're sitting on a gold mine, there!" the llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.

a few more weeks went by, and now ted started slowing down, losing races. he, too realized that he'd be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improved.

"say," he said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "i think i need to try that mystery beer too. they'll ship me off to the glue factory for sure if I don't start winning again."

"no problem," the llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "here. come back every night, and i guarantee you'll be back in top form again, or i'll give you double your money back."

over the course of the next few weeks, ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top three with bill and ernie. he pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "you know, my ass itches a lot; it's almost unbearable. but i can't thank you enough. they would have turned me into glue by now if it weren't for you. anything you want, let me know and i'll see what i can do."

"no problem," said the llama, "i make this beer at home using an ancient inca recipe. it's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."

"i'm not kidding," ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."

"well, now that you mention it..." the llama began -

right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. he was obviously depressed.

"barkeep, give me something strong. i'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe," the greyhound said.

ted looked at the greyhound, then at bill and ernie, and said, "hey, look! a talking dog!"

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

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thealexandriaarchives · 1 day

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I can't stop staring at Feyd-Rautha's walk here and what it implies about his fight with Paul now that I'm able to stop just comparing it to Timothy's killer body work matching it (or vice versa).

Villeneuve takes the book canon, that the Harkonnens took the Atredies's morbid heirlooms of an oil painting of grandfather's death and the bull's head with his blood still dried on his horns to hang above the arena as trophies to the next level: making Feyd-Rautha the victorious young matador with the guards dressed as bull-minotaurs, circling to play banderillos and sink banderillas into the backs of the Atredies bull if it gets too close before the final faena has Feyd-Rautha pulling his opponent past him in the close, intimate passes that show off his athleticism and skill before his false blade is exchanged for the one that will be used for the killing blow and oh my god there are whole schools of thought on coming forward to meet your opponent vs waiting for them and killing with a single blow to the heart and honoring the fight and if anyone who knows how to make gifsets wants make one about this to I'd LOVE to rant more about the breakdown of these two fights and how Feyd is 1001% Matador Machismo but my point to all of this is:

Look at that Sand.

Look at his feet dig deep and kick it up as he strides out into the heart of that arena. Is it a rhythmic walk? Oh yes. Confident. Powerful. In the book this will be his 100th arena kill as he comes of age. This is his natural habitat. Where he learned his skills, for us to parallel with what we saw for Paul in Part 1.

This matters, because it's one of the main premises for why the Fremen are so Good At Fighting. When everyone is trained to fight with shields (stun then slow) and bulky armor, and on flat, solid ground with lots of cover, it's easy to be fast and silent and terrifyingly effective against them. Gurney Halleck is shown to be one of the best fighters in the franchise and the film makes a point of showing how his (recognizable) footsteps are not suited to move quickly, lightly, and with stability on sand like they are on solid ground.

Only... Bullfighting rings aren't sandy. They're fairly hardpacked. Earth for the bull and Matador to maneuver in quickly. There is a layer of albero traditionally layered on top, a chunky yellow clay dirt that serves aesthetics but also absorbs blood quickly. The idea the sand may not be white because... With Giedi Prime who knows?! Is Fantastic.

Paul Muad'Dib became the only Atredies to be recognized as Fremen, to see his father's dream of Desert Power recognized, to fight as Fedaykin, to be recognized as the Mahdi, the One Who Points The Way, and it is made clear to us from the opening words of a Child's History of Muad'Dib that Arrakis was his Home, and yet every major one-on-one duel he had from Jamis to Feyd-Rautha was on solid ground, giving him an advantage that made him respected as a fighter among the Fedaykin right away as part of his training.

Feyd-Rautha was the one Harkonnen who may have learned combat primarily or even exclusively with sand beneath his feet, and he died on Arrakis on the polished stone floors of a palatial residence, still trying to play by Matador rules.

thank u for coming to my Ted Talk

#dune meta #feyd rautha harkonnen #paul atreides #dune part 2 #burn after scrolling #dune #dune 2024 #feyd rautha #house harkonnen #feydpaul

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thatoneluckybee · 2 days

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sbg textpost (just one)

all the screenshots are of the same post. I felt like many textposts. I want to torment my mutuals. :3

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. It's a seal.

#:3 #sbg #Sbg textposts #School bus graveyard textposts #fambles #Bee makes things #Tylenol post #Shenanigans #school bus graveyard #ashlyn banner #taylor hernandez #logan fields #aiden clark #tyler hernández #ben clark #taylor hernández #tyler hernandez #pharmaceutical reckoning

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vintagepresley · 1 day

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I don’t want to be this person. But I feel like that new Elvis confessions account on here is just a gateway for people to start drama and spew their hate for people in this fandom and how others choose to love Elvis or how they write about Elvis and to basically shove down our throats how to be an Elvis fan “the right way”.

I just saw one of their recent posts about basically the fandom not being the same and how people don’t care about him and how people used to talk about his music and movies. Now people in the fandom only care about writing smut about him and don’t even know his songs or movies. Then saying how calling him “big daddy” is disgusting.

Huh? What? I don’t know what part of the fandom this person is on but we are constantly talking about his music and movies. I feel like most of the people in this fandom have seen all of his movies. But also some can’t depending on where they live in the world so it could be harder for them to watch them. He’s got so much music to listen like you can’t be mad if EVERYONE hasn’t heard every single fucking song. There’s actually some people who just joined and are still learning. It’s not that serious. Stop acting like you weren’t once new to being an Elvis fan.

Why are we acting like people haven’t been writing so much smut stories about him since 2022? Before I even joined the fandom here I was literally reading soooo many smut stories about him around that time. I don’t think that’s changed. There’s so many different stories besides smut. If you don’t like smut guess what? DON’T READ IT BABE. Keep scrolling. There’s so much variety when it comes to Elvis fanfics. It’s not just smut.

Then onto the big daddy thing. That didn’t just become a thing. It’s been a thing for the past two years. How is it disgusting? Lmao. It’s never that serious and honestly no one is being disrespectful when they use that term. That man has big daddy energy. That is never a bad thing, lol.

I swear. People don’t know how to just enjoy things and not taking things so seriously and constantly complaining about literally everything. Why can’t people just enjoy things? I feel like I constantly speak up about this because I’m so tired of people telling people how they should love Elvis or how there’s a wrong and right way. I’m so tired of people making others feel like they don’t belong here. We all love and respect Elvis. We all love learning about him in every aspect of his life. So many of us do so much research and constantly read books on him because we DO see him more than just a “pretty face” more than just an “aesthetic”. He’s a huge part of our lives and we all in some way have a story about how he’s impacted us or what he’s done for us. Doesn’t mean we can’t joke about things or like make unhinged posts. Life doesn’t always have to be taken so seriously.

Lighten up. Elvis would be bothered by how uptight some of you are.

Thank you for coming to my Elvis ted talk. ☺️

#elvis presley #elvis #elvis fandom #elvis fans #start being kinder to each other in this fandom

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professionally-bewildered · 1 day

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“Buck misunderstood the assignment”

“Buck should have kissed Eddie”

“Tommy is getting in the way of Buddie”

“Buddie should happen at the bachelor party”

NO!

NO!!

NO!!!

Let Buck have his turn with Tommy, they clearly care about each order and want to see where things go. Obviously, you can’t deny that Eddie & Buck have chemistry, but Eddie needs to have his own journey, apart from Buck, nothing can happen between them until they both are ready. And the people that are coming for Lou and Oliver, for “ruining Buddie”, need to SHUT UPPPP!!! And must I remind y’all, that Buck is IN A RELATIONSHIP right now. A happy one, so let him and Tommy have their time, and let Eddie have his own separate journey. Eddie is also dating someone as well (🤮🤮🤮). If and when Buddie happens, it needs to make sense for the characters and audience, if it just happens out of the blue, it will kinda defeat the slow burn of it all, and will be messy and thrown together. If we want Buddie, give it time, so that it works, and stays true to the story. Let BuckTommy have their time, let Eddie have his journey, and LEAVE THE ACTORS ALONE!

Thank you for coming to my ted talk 🙏

#buddie #eddie diaz #911 #911 abc #911onabc #evan buckley #bucktommy #tommy kinard #lou ferrigno jr #oliver stark #ryan guzman

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lady-raziel · 1 day

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just seen your post re monica lewkinsky &... I totally agree with you. Her Ted Talk is amazing & how she is living her life is.... I'm actually in awe of her. So thank you, sincerely, for your beautiful words.

to speak genuinely, for real: i cannot even put into words how much respect i have for monica lewinsky. i will never, ever, forget the slow realization of learning more and more of what happened as i grew up and coming to the sobering discovery that this was the story of how a whole country decided to place the blame on one young woman and then slutshame and destroy her life instead of really question what role those in power, including the president of the united states, had played in events. everyone had decided to sacrifice one woman, regardless of the role she played or bad decisions she'd made, and string her up so everyone could point their fingers in shame, and to laugh. it was despicable. and it's made worse by the realization that in the end, any of us could be monica lewinsky. not just other young women in politics, but any of us who could find ourselves in a situation where because of the power and privilege of the other party and because the societal stereotypes everyone will jump to reinforce, we could be the one laid out at the altar to die.

after all of that, and everything monica was put through, it would have been totally reasonable for her to hide away in a fishing village on a remote island somewhere and never speak to anyone ever again. but instead, despite it being hard, despite people still judging her when they hear her name, despite the fact that we as a country don't deserve it, monica lewinsky has chosen to devote her life to speaking out against the very things that were weaponized against her. to choose to help people who had tried to destroy you and change the system in order to create a world where it won't happen to others, instead of becoming solely bitter and angry forever-- that is a testament to strength. so many people preach in favor of a better world when they are the ones suffering, but choose to enact vengeance when their voice is finally the one being listened to. to do the opposite is the most radical act of all.

and if that wasn't enough, monica is able to speak honestly and even make jokes of her own about her whole situation. after all those 1990s TV talk show hosts beat her over and over with sticks, practically on a daily basis, she is finally able to look them in the eyes and say, "you've had your fun. now it's my turn."

It's one of the most goddamn inspiring and compelling things I've ever heard. She's incredible.

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tirralirralirra · 1 day

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something I love about having read/watched frieren and dungeon meshi concurrently is getting to see that, despite their similar broad genres (fantasy, DND-esque settings, failure op elf girls /lh), they are two very distinct stories that ultimately achieve the same* thematic goal through different narrative means.

like you have frieren's contemplative, almost slice-of-life style storytelling that focuses on how the connections between people make an impact, and how it's beautiful to cherish the memories of those we love, even the small ones (especially the small ones), and that being alive is so, so beautiful because of those things. Then juxtaposing this with the overall narrative of a literal journey to a land beyond in order to meet with the dead, while not losing focus on those that are alive. Frieren as a story takes time to explore the small things that make life beautiful (fields of flowers, the beauty and not the power of magic, stargazing and sunsets with your friends).

and then you have dunmeshi's tight narrative arcs that are built around urgency (saving falin, first from digestion, then from...chimera-ization), but also continually return to the same concept as a core tenet to both the literal narrative structure around meals and the overall story: to eat is a privilege of the living. That there is joy to be found in eating because it means you are alive, that you survived. That taking time to take care of yourself is honoring your life. That death is a part of life through the acts of killing monsters to eat, and that the dungeon's condition where a soul remains tethered to the body is unnatural.

For that last bit, I love how we're just introduced to the concept in the beginning as a bit of world building, something you might just take at face value of, "oh, I guess this is how this works in this story", and over the course of the story the characters start to interrogate that reality, culminating in Marcille's realization at the end that they took death for granted because of the dungeon's condition:

[ID: Manga panel of Marcille looking down in thought and saying "Look, this might sound a little weird, but...I think the entire point of this journey we went on....was learning how to accept death.]

(Panel is from the ehscans version, will update with official eng when the final volume releases)

I also love that the story takes the time to say, look, you can be in a hurry, but you still need to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, What will you achieve in the service of yourself or others if you don't take care of the most basic qualities to survive first? The most recent episode is a good example of that with the focus on shuro vs. laios, and then there's this reinforcement of the idea by the end:

[ID: Dungeon meshi manga page showing Laios, Chilchuck, and Senshi shouting "A balanced diet!!" "R-regulating our daily rhythms!!" "And moderate exercise!!" respectively, followed by the three in various poses in front of the word "VICTORY" and Laios saying "If we watch these three points...we'll naturally work our way to strong bodies!!"]

Anyways this is all very disorganized and I have other things I need to do and I could write a more cohesive, actually organized thought piece on all of this with like, coherent points, but I don't really like to delve into literary analysis on my fandom account. it just lives in my head, rent free. thank you for coming to my ted talk tumblr. don't expect to see more of this, lol.

*I say same goal, which is not to say the only goal. stories can have more than one theme, it's ok if you disagree with me on this, but please bear in mind that I'm speaking very, very broadly.

#dunmeshi #dunmeshi spoilers #frieren #frieren spoilers #esque thoughts #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #meta esque

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aesthetictarlos · 9 hours

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I'm renowned (that's not true, who cares about me lol) for being a Buck&TK friendship truther ever since the crossover aired, so in my head Buck called TK right after the kiss to rant about Tommy and how cute his cleft is (I literally wrote a fic about this) and he's keeping him posted (TK teases him because he can't stop talking about Tommy and Buck teases him back telling him that he can't stop talking about Carlos and they're literally married).

All of this to say that in my head (and probably in my AO3 if I manage) Buck and Tommy will visit Tarlos in Austin so they can have a double date and Tommy and Carlos can team up to tease dumbass and dumbasser (because Carlos will absolutely get along with him, he told me). And then TK will get a bit emotional seeing Buck being THIS happy and settled in his skin and they'll share a brotherly hug and I'll cry my eyes out. (And then TK will tell him that he was right, Tommy's hot and Buck will pretend to be annoyed and I just love them okayyyy)

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

#evan buckley #tommy kinard #tk strand #carlos reyes #tevan #bucktommy #buck and tommy #tarlos #tk and buck are besties i make the rules #buck and tk friendship truther #allie imagines things #allie rambles #im rambling again and im not sorry at all

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aclockworkfilmsnob · 3 days

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While Dune is (still) often misread as a tale about a hero doing the right thing, to view it solely as a warning of charismatic leaders is also misleading.

At least for the films, Paul isn’t really a bad guy for most of the story. Sure, he acts on impulse and is sometimes selfish. But he’s a kid. He’s lived a sheltered existence his whole life. The only friends and family he’s ever known were taken away from him in one fell swoop.

He clearly knows that exploiting the fremen is wrong and is even critical of his father (easily the most morally-sound Atreides in the series) for what he interprets as manipulation. He resents what his mother and the Bene Gesserit did to manipulate them into waiting for a messiah and constantly makes it clear that he doesn’t believe in these things.

Yes, he fancies himself a leader and a hero. But it’s not because he wants to be a God. He wants to be like his father. Noble, kind, heroic and honorable. But he never received the proper training. He sat in on one meeting at a time when he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be Duke.

His biggest enemy, aside from the Harkonnens and the Bene Gesserit, is the ignorance that comes from his youth. The same thing happens to Chani. Paul tells her he can’t go South. He knows what will happen if he does. But she, despite being very intelligent in knowing the danger of an outsider like Paul, believes that the power of true love will get them through any conflict.

Like Jessica, Paul becomes corrupted by the water of life. Any selfish intention he had before is accentuated by the poison. By this point in the film he’s basically a supervillain. In many respects Paul is just as much a victim of exploitation as the fremen are. He had no choice in how Jessica raised him. He didn’t choose to become a target for the Reverend Mother, who purposefully turned the Harkonnens against the Atreides because he was deemed to dangerous.

Paul is a bad guy by the end of Dune Part 2. It’s scary that people don’t see that. His “lead them to paradise” line after he digs his army into a deeper hole than he could have ever imagined clearly demonstrates that he intends to use fear and promises of peace to motivate the fremen to do whatever he wants. But he doesn’t get to this place because he’s always been evil to the core. He got there because he too was a victim of circumstance.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#dune #denis villeneuve #Paul Atreides #film analysis

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antlerqueer · 10 months

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i have a pet peeve of people calling taissa "the femme one" between her and van because i thought it was a given that taissa performs femininity specifically for her career.

#maybe its bc i used to perform femininity for my career #and would if i had her career #yellowjackets #also it feels heteronormative to call taissa femme but only when she's with van #that's all thanks for coming to my ted talk

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soulcluster-moved · 9 months

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the part where he meets varania and danarius appears and his expression just falls

after the whole debacle with varania is over and he says he's alone and hawke says 'I'm heree' and he just stares so longingly at hawke, hand on their face, and doesn't say anything before turning away

#ooc #the muse is coming back easier than i expected #*chuckles* im in danger #I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN #fenris is too much of my kind of muse tbh #that's all thanks for coming to my ted talk

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omegapheromone · 10 months

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Listen I don't normally post anything not safe for work/tumblr but I apparently just. Am having a really strong heat for seemingly no reason and basically my brain isn't working right and it's like... my own skin feels uncomfortable and my body is just. A mess really.