badjokesbyjeff

[badjokesbyjeff]

the fact that op turned off rbs is very very funny to me. anyway i want this post on my blog too.

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man on the train has to poop. He goes to the bathroom but someone is using it. He goes back five minutes later, it’s still being used. He goes back again later, it is still being use. He can’t wait any longer so he drops his pants and sticks his fanny out the window. This happens just as the train is pulling into a station. The conductor on the platform yells out “Will the bald man with the cigar in his mouth please pull his head back in the window”

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Scorpion in Your Tent 

One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.

The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"

Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."

Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."

Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."

Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

My wife got carjacked last week. I asked her if she saw the guy. 

She said she got the license plate number!

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?"

The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? "

He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

I never told my wife I had an ex-fiancee 

One thing I never told my wife is that I had a fiancee before her. It’s a long story, so buckle up.

It was the year after I graduated college. I was dating my girlfriend, Stephanie, for a couple years and things were getting serious. At the time, I had my roommate, Joey, but he was a Craigslist roommate. We didn’t know each other very well. If you asked me how I knew him aside from Craigslist, the answer is I didn’t. He wouldn’t even tell me where he grew up.

Now, no shit, on the day I was going to propose, tragedy struck. I adorned our apartment with candles and even set up a nice glass display with framed pictures of me and Steph on top. Before Steph came in, Joey walked in and tripped. He actually shattered the glass display and got some in his face. Steph came in a few minutes later as I was on the phone with 911. Fortunately, Steph is a nurse, so she was able to patch him up as the three of us went to the hospital together.

Joey would recover, but he had some issues with glass on his face. He needed some cotton gauze inside his eye, which fortunately the doctors were able to save.

Clearly, I put off my proposal for the time being, but Steph and I agreed to get married. Our engagement was hush hush. Steph’s hours were wonky so she took care of Joey when I wasn’t around. And I should’ve seen the red flags, but I ignored them. They’d hang out together with and without me. They’d be in Joey’s room and lock the door.

One day, I came home and all of Joey’s stuff was gone. He moved out. Steph wrote a note. The note said, “We fell in love and we’re leaving together. Don’t try to find us.”

I didn’t listen and I searched, but true to the note, I couldn’t find them. I’ll never know what happened.

Suffice to say,

if it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe

I’d have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

There were three race horses; ernie, bill, and ted. 

the three of them were good friends; they enjoyed racing each other and generally won and lost to each other equally. every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. they would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.

one season, bill wasn't doing so well. he rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. one night, at the bar, he talked with ernie and ted about it.

"you know, guys, i just can't figure it out," he said. "everything's fine at home; the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits - nothing could be better. maybe i'm just getting old. if things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."

the bartender, a big llama from peru, overheard the conversation. he looked around, to make sure nobody else was listening, then said, "hey, pal, i got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." he reached under the bar and pulled out an unlabeled bottle of beer. "here, drink this; i guarantee you'll start winning again. come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. if it doesn't work, i'll give you double your money back!"

bill looked at ernie and ted, who only shrugged, then drank the contents of the bottle. "oh, just one thing," the llama said, "it'll make your ass itch, but that's okay; it's just a side effect. don't worry about it." the three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.

over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. his racing times did improve! he was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with ernie and ted. bill was ecstatic, and thanked the llama profusely.

"hey, my pleasure," said the llama.

a few weeks passed by, and ernie started slowing down. after losing three races in a row, he sobbed to himself, "i just don't get it. my life couldn't be better. i can't believe I'm getting old! they'll send me to the glue factory if i don't get back in the groove!"

that evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer. "okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch - but don't pay it no mind. it's just a harmless side effect."

"no problem. it'll be worth it to get back in the groove," ernie said.

a few days went by. ernie's ass did indeed itch, but after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top three with bill and ted.

at the bar one evening, ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.

"i just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" ernie said. "you're sitting on a gold mine, there!" the llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.

a few more weeks went by, and now ted started slowing down, losing races. he, too realized that he'd be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improved.

"say," he said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "i think i need to try that mystery beer too. they'll ship me off to the glue factory for sure if I don't start winning again."

"no problem," the llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "here. come back every night, and i guarantee you'll be back in top form again, or i'll give you double your money back."

over the course of the next few weeks, ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top three with bill and ernie. he pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "you know, my ass itches a lot; it's almost unbearable. but i can't thank you enough. they would have turned me into glue by now if it weren't for you. anything you want, let me know and i'll see what i can do."

"no problem," said the llama, "i make this beer at home using an ancient inca recipe. it's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."

"i'm not kidding," ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."

"well, now that you mention it..." the llama began -

right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. he was obviously depressed.

"barkeep, give me something strong. i'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe," the greyhound said.

ted looked at the greyhound, then at bill and ernie, and said, "hey, look! a talking dog!"

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Blind Date 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, ?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.

The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe asked again what Kim would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her weight correctly, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

Joe decided that Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a hand shake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Three retired surgeons were bragging about their accomplishments.

One doctor bragged that he had a patient show up with 2 legs missing from a tractor accident. He fixed him all up and he became the greatest basketball player of all time.

The next doctor bragged that he had a shark bite patient who had his arms bitten off. He fixed him up and he became a superstar NFL quarterback.

The third doctor laughed at them and said “Oh yeah? Well one time I had a patient arrive after being in a catastrophic car accident. The only thing they were able to recover was his asshole and a bag of Cheetos. I sewed him back together and he went on to become the president of the United States!”

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

A cowboy is captured by a native war party. 

As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says "in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?" The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse's ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later with a beautiful blonde on its back. The chief shakes his head muttering, 'white man.' He shows them to a teepee and leaves. The next day the chief comes to the cowboy and asks "what is your second request?"

"I'd like to speak with my horse please."

And so, the horse is shown to the cowboy, who whispers into its ear. The horse leaves, only to return with a curvaceous brunette. Again, the chief let's them use a teepee. "White man, can only think of one thing" he says. The third day arrives. The chief asks "What is your final request?" The cowboy, visibly frustrated, demands to see his horse again. He grabs the horse's ear and whispers harshly into it "Now listen here you stupid animal!! Posse!! Posse!!"

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters. 

One day, the three daughters told the farmer that they were all going on a date. So, the farmer, being the protective father he was, grabbed his shotgun and walked outside. Suddenly, a car pulled in, and a man stepped out it. He went up to the farmer and said:

“Hello, my name is Freddy, I am here for Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

The farmer called for Betty, the first daughter, and she came. The man and Betty then got into the car and drove off. About 30 seconds later, the second car pulled in. Another man stepped out of it and went up to the farmer.

“Hello, my name is Joe. I am here for Flo. Is she good to go?”

The farmer called for Flo, the second daughter, and the man lead her into the car and then went inside the car as well. They drove off.

Another 30 seconds passed, and the third and final car pulled in. A man stepped out it and approached the farmer.

“Hello, my name is Chuck, I am here for-“ The farmer shot him.

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. 

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

What we have in mind for now are black dragons, with low density silver glitter, silver enamel, so that the pride flag pops)

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man wakes up in a hospital bed right next to his friend.

His friend says to him "We're currently drowning in debt because the doctors just cured your amnesia!"

The friend then asks the other friend "Oh no! How are we going to ever pay the bills now?"

The first friend then has an idea.

"I know! Give me 100 dollars and I'll buy a bat, then I'll hit you on the head with it and we can claim your insurance."

So the second friend gives the first friend 100 dollars and he leaves the room. After a while the first friend comes back with a bat and he hits his friend on the head.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed right next to his friend.

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Johnny slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Johnny what's wrong.

"Well," replies Johnny, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Johnny, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Johnny, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p-nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Johnny, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Johnny slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy

[badjokesbyjeff]

Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia. 

After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.

Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.

“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.

“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.

“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.

When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.

“Any more questions?” Putin asked.

Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.

“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.

“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.

“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.

“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”

#funny #jokes #humor #lol #comedy