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#that i should have had it harder. that it wasnt possible for it to be like that
elftwink · 1 year
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one of the most infuriating things that happens in discussions about trans people is like, when a transphobe talks about how its just SOOOO easy to access gender affirming care, it's so easy to get on hrt or get referred for surgery etc... some of you dense motherfuckers respond to this by saying "no!!! it's not easy!!!! its so hard!!!" & listen. i KNOW that it IS HARD for many of us. and in many places it's getting harder. but tell me this: isn't the goal, eventually, to make it easy? not just easier than right now, but genuinely easy for a transgender person to access the care they need on whatever timeline they want, no matter how fast or slow? so if you spend all your time right now combating transphobia by insisting that transition is difficult and taxing and traumatizing, what are you going to do if and when it's none of those things? if there is no endless suffering and million hoops?
when someone says "it's too easy to transition" in order to justify their own transphobia, and you say "no it's not", you're also saying "if it were, your feelings would be justified". which is already kind of a terrible implication without taking into consideration that what most of these people mean by "too easy" is "possible". they mean that you can transition and they don't want you to. point blank. when you say it's difficult, they think "good. it should be harder". it will never be difficult enough to not be easy to them.
i am literally so sick & tired of all of us throwing each other under the bus in order to advocate for a future that is fucking miserable and awful. when someone tells you their nightmare scenario is transgender people being happy, you should not be responding to that by reassuring them that actually, transgender people are miserable and always have been and always will. when someone complains about how easy transition is you should say "good". we are never getting out of this fucking crab bucket if we're not only pulling each other down but also telling other people that pushing us back in would be fine if we were a little closer to the top.
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iamsherlocked1479 · 4 months
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Happpy New Year
Stephen Strange x Fem!Reader
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Word count: 1.7k
Warnings: explicit content 18+, slut shame, chocking
Description: Stephen doesn't like that you recived a compliment, he doesn't like that somebody would even consoder they had a chance with you.
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Most people are drunk right now, you’re not denying that you were, of course nobody leaves a Stark party completely sober. All beat it, most of the guests haven’t left yet, they were currently counting down to midnight last you heard the ball will drop in 10 minutes, but you couldn’t care right now. You’re currently pressed up against the padded wall of what looks like a gym, technically you hadn’t left Stark Tower yet, with your legs neatly parted over Stephen's shoulders as his tongue glided through your slick folds. 
“Oh fuck steph- we’re gonna miss the countown, we have to- shit.” Your eyes squinted shut and your hand tightened in his hair as he drew you closer to an orgasm. Your statement was thoroughly met with a grunt and a quick “I don’t care sweetheart” as his tongue continued to lap its way around your clit.
This had all started because Thor complimented your dress, he meant no harm of course only stating that you should belong with the Asgardian gods. But like always Stephen was jealous, he hated that a man would even consider himself worthy of being able to see you the way he did, a goddess in your own right. So after that one incident, at exactly 11:49pm Stephen had enough of the looks you were getting, even though you only had eyes for him, and proceeded to pull you into the nearest empty room and show exactly how only he could make you feel.
“Shhh, sweetheart, don’t want anyone hearing those sweet sounds you make for me.” He said, snaking his hand up your body to cover your mouth as you came. He lifted your legs off his shoulder and pinned you between him and the wall. You could taste yourself on his tongue as he kissed you, your hands continued to work on the buttons of his shirt as they had done earlier before he dropped to his knees for you. “Ah, ah sweetheart” he grabbed your wrists and moved your hand to his tight trousers where you palmed him through his clothes, “we gotta do this fast, i want all the others to see me kiss you at midnight.” He purred as he spun you around, tracing his cock between your folds before pushing you against the wall with a deep thrust. 
You didn’t like jealous stephen, but you loved the way he fucked, he was normally so gentle and kind making sure to touch and kiss you everyway possible before slowly drawing out orgasm after orgasm. But jealous Stephen, he fucked hard, he wasnt one for yelling or arguing, so he would take out his frustrations by pounding into you, he wanted to prove how fast he could make you cum how only he could make you feel that good. 
“You’re mine you know that right?” He purred as he sucked and nibbled at the pulse point on your neck leaving a purple mark for all to see. His cock had the perfect curve making it rub right against your g-spot in this position.
“Steph- please, i know im yours, fuck” you cried as his hand snaked around your neck bringing your head to his. He squeezed slightly, not enough to make it hard for you to breathe, but enough for your hand to clamp onto his wrist and walls to clench around his cock.
“Did you like the way Thor looked at you?” He moved his free hand to pull your dress down just enough to expose your tits to the world. “Did you want him looking at these?” He groaned with his cock twitching inside you. He grabbed on one of your tits, roughly massaging it in his hand and pinching on the nipple. “You know you’re so beautiful, I know you know every man smart enough wants you, admit it you like the attention.” He hissed, kissing your neck and thrusting even harder causing a pile of weights to tumble to the floor. “Tell me sweetheart, do you enjoy the attention?”
“Ye- shit, yes stephen. Fuck.” You moaned, your legs shaking at the overstimulation. He spun you around so that you could see yourselves in the mirrored walls, one hand gripped your chin and pointed you towards the mirror, while the other clung around your abdomen holding you in place as he kept himself inside you.
“Look at you.” He hummed in satisfaction, you looked at what you saw, your dress creased, tits popping out over the top of your dress, mascara running down your face, legs shaking, “look at us” you looked at him through the reflection, eyes darkened, hair stuck with sweat to his forehead, shirt falling down his shoulders and his trousers down only just enough to get his cock out. It was a sight to see, yet a sight you and stephen both loved to see, he loved showing you what he can do to you, and you loved that stupid dumb sarcastic smile of his. 
His arm that wrapped around your waist slid down to your clit as he continued pushing inside you, his fingers played with your clit using his precum that dripped from you as a lubricant, adding to the pleasure. You squeezed your eyes shut as you could feel that knot tightening, threatening to break as your insides fluttered. Stephen moaned at the sensation of your walls clenching around him.
“Open your eyes” he demanded “I want you to watch as I make you cum, i want you to realise you’re a slut, but you’re my slut.” He grunted as he felt himself drawing closer to his release, his fingers now frantically swiped up and down your clit and with his cock still hitting your g-spot, the sensation became unbearable and the knot snapped, this felt different your felt yourself dripping onto him and creating a small puddle on the hard gym floor. Your knees buckled and you melted to the floor where Stephen set you on all fours, still making sure you can see yourself in the mirror. He kept himself inside you as you slumped, trying to catch your breath
“You see that, that's how good I can make you feel. Tell me what you are.” he said, giving you a single hard thrust causing the sound of skin on skin to echo through the dark room.
“Yours.” you said through breathless moans, this landed a firm yet satisfying slap on you ass as he sped up his motions.
“My what?” he said “speak up” he said moaning, following his own ecstasy
“Your slut.” you cried out, holding yourself up as you could see in the mirror that he was completely lost in the chase for his own orgasm, so you angled yourself that you were pushing yourself onto him every time he entered you. “I’m your slut stephen, yours and yours alone, my pussy is made for you.” your words only encouraged him as he moaned with the satisfaction that the lesson he had been trying to teach you had finally sunk in. 
“That's right sweetheart, your mine” His trembling hands practically vibrated as he gripped the fat of your hips turning his knuckles white. You looked in the mirror, the smell of sex filling your nostrils, you looked at the sight behind you, his biceps straining through the sleeves of that white dress shirt you loved so much, his muscular chest shining with sweat. That was the man you fell in love with, every inch of him, even his salt and pepper temples he hated so much, you loved him.
“Say it again sweetheart.” he begged, he was so close.
“I’m your slut Stephen. I want you to fill me up, make your slut drip with your cum Stephen.” you called out with a victorious smile as he came, strengthening his grip on your waist. His body caved on top of yours as he littered your shoulder with kisses.
“Did you fuck out that atitude?” you asked with a giggle
“I don’t have an attitude.” he stated, sitting back on his knees and watching his seed drip from you. “I just like to make my opinion clear.” he smiled when you jolted as he pushed his cum back into your sensitive hole.
“I think you did.” you got up and put your underwear back on, which had been left at the door, the face he pulled when he realised you were just going to keep his seed inside you almost wanted to make you do it all again, but you did have a deadline to meet. You watched as he buttoned up his shirt and tucked himself back in place. “You know I love you and only you right?” 
“Of Course i do.” he walked over and kissed your forehead “i just wished other people understood that.” he clicked his fingers and your makeup and hair neatened themselves up like nothing had happened and linked his arm into yours.
“It was just a compliment Stephen, Thor didn’t mean anything by it.” you laughed to yourself as the hum of the party grew near
“You don’t know that for sure.” Stephen joked back as he grabbed two glasses of champagne and handed one to you.
“I know you’re jealous.” you looked at him and he rolled his eyes
“So what if I was?” he smiled “Sometimes i think you prefer it.”
“So what if I did?” your brow quirked, he opened his mouth to say something when you were interrupted by the rest of the guests beginning to count down and stephen lead you to the balcony where the others where
“3… 2… 1… Happy new year!” Stephen pulled you towards him and locked his lips with yours with a passionate kiss, you had to grip your glass so that you didn’t drop it on impact, he pulled you closer to him, allowing you to rest on his chest before finally parting.
“Happy new year sweetheart.” he smiled and gave you another peck
“Happy new year.” you smiled back
“Now correct me if i’m wrong but we need to go home, i haven’t seen you naked since last year.” he pulled your wrist
“That joke wasn’t funny last year and it still isn’t” you gave him a pity laugh
“Then why are you following me?”
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A/N: I have to say i might have gotten a little carried away with some of the language there, but im not appologising, this was based of a dream i had a few weeks back and i thought i'd turn it into a lil end of year gift for you all because in january i will have bneen posting for two years which is crazy to me because this year we have grown from around 50 followrrs to 250! which is even more crazy so, hope to get back into the swing of things next and hope you all have a great new year love ypu all sm! <3
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pupsclawz · 11 months
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Gone
Part II
Pairing: Jenna Ortega x Reader
Warnings: Drug abuse/overdose, (attempted) suicide, dark themes.
Word count: 743 words
Summary: You were having a breakdown when you decided you finally had enough. (You didn't die in this one... Or did you?)
a/n: I know I said I wasn't gonna post but I just had a burst of inspiration. This one is a bit dark so. Warnings are above. Also, Jenna isn't in this ch just yet but it will be a JennaxR fic. I also tried to make this realistic as possible (Im sure I failed). Anyways no beta, I hope ya'll enjoy! Edited: Basically the old a/n said that this Jennas name wasnt mentioned in this chapter. My brain decided that it wasn't Jenna in this ch but someone else. Uhhh sorry for that but yeah!
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You sat at the edge of your bed smiling as silent tears streaked down your face. These past few weeks had been hectic and overwhelming, and every single suppressed thing came crashing down on you. 
“You aren’t good enough.”
“You’re a fucking failure.”
“You can’t even do shit right.”
“No one cares about you.”
“See? If they did care, they’d be here. Where are they?”
“You don’t even know what to do with your pathetic self”
“Fucking coward! Just tell someone,”
“If they knew, they wouldn't believe you. Look at how many times you’ve told them something only to be brushed off,” 
Your body shook as you were racked with sobs, more tears streaming down your face. You couldn’t help but believe the voices. 
With shaky hands, you reached forward, grabbing a bottle of pills on the nightstand. You read the label and warnings on the bottle. 
“They’re not gonna miss you when you’re gone,”
“You’ve done nothing for them so, they’ll probably be glad that you’re gone,”
“It’s not like you mattered anyways. Your grades were always low, you’re the lazy one, you can’t even follow simple instructions!”
“Now look at you! Jobless laying around all day like you own the fuckin world!”
“You’re worthless! Ya fuckin disappointment!”
With trembling hands, you slowly grasped the cap of the bottle as you pressed down and slowly unscrewed it. You looked down at the pills bouncing around as you gently shook it, ruminating on what you should do next.
“You’re a disappointment”
A disappointment. That was all you were. Ever since you were a child, everyone’s expectations about you, including your own, was always high. While you did fine for most of your childhood years, these recent ones only got worse. You seemed to fail on anything that you do. Every fucking thing that you were told to do just wasn’t good enough. 
“You’re worthless!”
Your hands trembled more and more as the voice kept echoing in your mind. The sound of the pills reaching your ears was barely enough to keep you grounded. Being told that you were worthless while seemingly trying harder than most was infuriating. You tried so hard to do everything in your power to be enough for them and yet they still didn’t appreciate you or your efforts. 
With the final thought, you looked back down at the bottle before downing every single pill left inside. You swallowed what you could while spitting out the rest as air became a necessity. You fell forwards onto the floor in a coughing fit trying to get some air.
You sat on the floor with your back against a wall as you waited for the silent and peaceful bliss to arrive. 
It was about 25 minutes later when you started to feel the effects of the drug. You felt as if the whole world was spinning (Technically it is) and your stomach felt like it was being stabbed over and over again. A few moments later, you began to feel drowsy despite the pain. You curled up into a fetal position, letting yourself drift off; Awake but not fully.
You were startled out of your trance as your phone began to ring. You blearily looked up before clumsily scrambling to get it. After a few minutes of trying you finally had the ringing phone in your hands. You read the name before you answered the phone, not registering who was calling.
“Hey y/n!” A feminine voice sounded through the phone.
You just groaned in response, feeling worse than before.
“Hey, you okay?” The girl asked in a worried tone.
You were about to speak when you audibly threw up, vomit spraying all over the place. You clutched your still aching stomach as you coughed, trying to rid your throat of vomit. 
“Y/n! Are you okay? I’m gonna call the ambulance, try to stay awake!” The girl yelled through the phone, her voice clearly panicked.
You let out a loud groan as you let your body go limp, waiting for the suffering to end and the relief to begin. 
It was a couple of minutes later when the ambulance arrived. By that time, you were laying on the vomit covered floor unresponsive with a hand clutching your stomach. The EMTs quickly got you onto a backboard as they moved you toward the ambulance. The flashing lights of the ambulance was the last thing you saw before you completely lost all consciousness...
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gothlute · 5 days
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Since you said it was okay to send you asks about Lute (and I really wanna talk about her ajshgs): do you have any headcanons for her as a character, fallenwings and/or guitarspear? :)
Also, as a doodle idea: fallen angel Lute!
I love this so much!!!!
Okay so the fallen angel Lute doodle will be done a bit later since I ordered a graphic tablet and I wanna draw it on it. I'll tag you!
Ive already made a post about Guitarspear headcanons too :D I might post more if I get ideas!
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Lute headcanons.
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• Metalhead & likes goth music
• Had an emo phase, obviously, tho she won't admit it
• She's REALLY into music, either listening to it or making it. Adam and her make music together! She can sing and kinda play drums (tho she's a begginer)
• Her favorite bands is Type O negative
•Her favorite colors are black and red
• Super picky eater, and so is Adam
• High IQ, and possibly autistic, she gets told to get tested a LOT but she doesnt want to
• Is SUPER good at make up, she does her eyeliner super fast
• Very very good at strategy games. She's overall very smart and learns fast. The kind of kid to learn how to read super early and then get pissed at other kids because they can't do it
• Super serious most of the time, but the most unhinged mf with Adam because she trusts him deeply. She actually makes almost as much dirty jokes as him when it's just the two of them
• Both bi and homophobic : she was raised in a SUPER religious family and feels attraction to girls but is deeply ashamed of it.
• Had a situationship with Vaggie, but had too much internalized homophobia for it to work. She's SUPER bitter about it
• Pretty interested in mythology
-She's pretty muscular and very strong, she works out a LOT and pretty much all gay exorcists have/had some sort of crush on her (and everyone's aware of it except for herself)
• Wears a band shirt and black sweatpants like 50% of the time when out of uniform
• She would LOVE the Saw movies. They have gore, interesting lore and she'd love to learn about all the traps (she would wanna try them on demons LMAO)
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Now let's dive deeper into the Lute and Vaggie part.
Fallenwings headcanons (sorta)
!!CW interalized homophobia
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I don't believe Vaggie and Lute dated. I do think they had something going on though.
To begin with, I think Lute is bisexual, with INSANE. amounts of internalized homophobia and religious guilt. She's plain homophobic, and thinks it's a sin, while ignoring the part of her that likes it. It has been easy at first because she wasn't into ONE specific girl.
But when she started liking Vaggie, everything was way harder. Her feelings were too hard to ignore. She felt genuine physical attraction, to the point where training with her was getting hard. Everything was complicated.
And Vaggie felt this way too. She started flirting with Lute, and even though she felt painfully guilty about it, she gave in.
They kissed a copious amount of times (never in public), slept together almost as much, and genuine feelings were developping for both of them.
But Lute's self hatred was only getting worse, and it was getting in the way. She would rather die than make their relationship official (though let's be honest you'd have to be blind to miss the sexual tension during training), and Vaggie had to constantly remind Lute that it was okay, that it didn't make her a sinner.
She didn't believe it.
She sometimes pushed Vaggie away when she initiated any contact, even chaste and friendly, and got very cold and disgusted to talk to her. Because after all, she's gay.
Vaggie tried to be as understanding as possible, but it was getting too far.
Her and Lute got into an argument.
Vaggie was like "this is stupid, you insist that we hide when we see eachother, you seem uncomfortable and it's clear that you don't really like me SO we should probably just stop". She wasnt that mad just a bit annoyed and sad
Except Lute took it very badly, and got VERY defensive and mad, because Vaggie was right. She got mean and lashed out on her, Vaggie left and they just...stopped talking
Basically, Vaggie thinks Lute used her to "try it with a girl" while Lute had actual feelings, and she HATES Vaggie because she let her see her weaknesses and thinks she's disgusting for making her fall for her!! She was a lesbian after all.
+ She betrayed heaven and it was OVER. It was the proof Lute was waiting for, proof that Vaggie was just a filthy sinner, disgusting, that she deserved to rot in hell, and that Lute's little phase was over, probably a test from God she passed.
Sometimes, Lute still dreams of the filthy sinner, of her sweet words and the warmth of her embrace. She still feels all warm when seeing two girls kiss, she still gets jealous. But she knows better than to indulge in those feelings now, she's a warrior.
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khaleesiofalicante · 2 months
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tbh dani i dont give a fuck about the clave or alec or david or (th eone i never understood or care for) kincaid (like bro even gabriel killed his demon father all he had to do is out his dad or take a stance against him but he wants the damn glory and feels tied to his destone and no i am not willing to hear anything in support of this familywho somehow is still more powerful than lance), nor do i care about that bitch victoria( bc no matter her mental problems I HATE HER), or that asshole fucking hope he gets mauled kyle,
I only care about max and lance and david (and yes that is right i really dont give a shit about arthur either)
I think its obvious i am high on this chapter's feelings, idk i feel strongly for accountbaility where its due and revenge in general but esp for lance. Though i had hoped lance would burn idris or get revege by killing people , bc arthur got hurt i wasnt that mad like i was mad bc of teh reasoning behind it and bc i hate kyle but it was sort fo his fault did he think it wld be all lalala land if he goes to idris that littel shit anyways, BUT BUT GWEN ?!? DANI , wow wow i am speechless but in a mad kind of way. i dont accept this. nope no no no
how much is that family esp lance and david going to hurt, i just want a proper revenge for them at teh end, like people begging for thier/them for forgiveness sort of, i know they are never going to be apert of the shadowworld but i had hoped it alawys had shadow demons over them, i hate them that much
i also dont like that kincaid was so easily able to defeat lance and people celebrated it, I loved lance in this ch like wooo go off boy, and wow max being all powerfull and manipulating blood was sooooo cool, go be badass baby, also arthur should be grounded for a decade or so or even for life, i hated how kincaid downplayed lance and arthur relationship like idgaf whether arthur CHOSE you or not, lance is superior sorry kid.
I also HATED RAFE , but that is normal for me now, i havent liked him in lbaf for a long long while. i hope they lb family just cuts all of thier siblings and cousins off, like no contact and they fucking realize or feel how much that family suffered , like of wow you didnt have sun for 20 years big deal bro, there are places on earth which doeasnt have that for 6 mnths every year since eternity. they DESERVED THAT isaid what i said, i am just getting bored of rafe and his reasoning like oh NOW you decide to fight harder what does he want congratulations?!
the idris people and kincaid deserved the bad thinsg happening to them for me, like i feel it isnt enough, also madeline srsly you knew abt lance being david kid and possibly inheriting the demon blood, did you think it was a good idea to go to idris when pregnant with your husband like i think you vicariously consented to the liability and possibility of damage when you also knew david can do shadow demon shit.
so yeah i am beyond reason in this fic when it comes to hating idris and all living being there and only support lance and david and max ( yes i am deliberately leaving arthur his idiotic naviety that kincaid cares about him when it comes to him vs his own family or so called destiny he is irritating me , like sir he doesnt give a shit about what he said to you idk why he believed kincaid's promises.)
i just want someone to lecture them after locking them in a room preferably alec i have no hope for rafael in this fic he is beyond any hope for me and so is kincaid so
😘thank you for teh rollercoaster of the chapter bye. But i hope you give vengeance to lance and his family against idris. 👿
This was A RIDE lmao.
I love when y'all take it personally and get emotional (shows me I am doing my job 😎)
I can't promise you anything. But I can tell you that I believe in happy endings, but I don't think everyone gets one. A story where EVERYONE gets their happy ending doesn't make sense to me. Some people do and others do. As to who will get it and who won't is entirely up to (in this scenario, me lmao).
So we shall wait and see :)
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boxwinebaddie · 3 months
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URGENTT ADVICE FROM UNCLE NINA NEEDED!!
ok so I know you work with kids; even if theyre not as young as the ones I work with, and I have a situation I need some advice on. I'm 15 and I volunteer to work with kids that are troubled/their parents don't or can't have them home right away. (D.A.R.E) And there's this kid who has become my little buddy, he's nine years old and today I was at my little volunteer job and he started fake moaning so ofc I let him know not to do that; and he didn't stop so I repeated myself. That resulted in him asking why, so I said "Do you know what that means?" And he said yes. But then I was like bro no way so I said what dude thats crazy then he was like im just kidding but then he asked me what it meant and I was like, "ask your mom." Then he started making inappropriate jokes and I continued to let him know that it wasnt appropriate, Then he asked if I had a boyfriend so i was like nope and he was like oh I thought you would have one so I said thanks, but it really concerned me. I don't know what I should do, I talked to my mom and she said to just keep correcting him and he'll learn and not to tell the deputy I work with because that'll just get him in trouble and to only do that when it becomes too extreme. I agree with her but I want another opinion to see if this would be the correct thing to do.
thanks so much:D
hi, my friend! i apologize if this is brief and a bit jumbled -- i am still a little out of sorts, but you did say Urgent, so i wanted to respond!
that...is an unfortunate situation. and a tricky one. i do agree with you and your mom, though. i think you should definitely use your next interactions as an indication of tone w/ the kid you're working with, see if he mellows out or is still not listening/not respecting your boundaries. i think it might even be wise as a final warning to be like, hi, this is making me uncomfortable, this is your last warning before i speak -authority figure- and while not telling that deputy, perhaps mentioning the possibility of consulting that deputy will deter the kid.
most importantly though, i just want to caution you and say please don't let that drag out too long. the biggest issue i found with my new job is i did not set boundaries well enough or firmly enough and that's why i got hell handed to me in a handbasket, like if that child is saying something uncomfortable to you and you are like "hm, that was weird, i didn't like that, but maybe it'll be alright" that is not alright and you should not feel like that.
at the end of the day, those kids need support and while getting in trouble is very unpleasant, if that is how that kid is going to learn not to conduct himself in that manner, then he is better off for it.
but yes, i would go ahead with the corrections but if you notice it getting Worse ( and not even like massively worse, i think any amount of it escalating/you not being listened to is cause for action )...i would speak to the deputy but also maybe see if there is a gentler way in which your friend can go about speaking to the child?
either way, i will say sometimes you have to put up that hard wall, it sucks but it's always easier as a teacher to start stern and get sweet, if you stat sweet and try to get stern, that's muuuch harder. so tldr, give the kid grace for now, but if it gets worse, i would say something and i would say something sooner rather than later.
i am...not very wise, but i hope this helps?
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freegiselle · 7 months
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My wife hates my dressing. She put up with it for awhile but it scares her.
How did you tell your wife? Did she find out or did you tell her? Does she help you buy things?
I would love to chat with you if you would like. I have nobody to talk to about my dressing and desires. A friend would be nice.
Hi, sorry to hear about your wife. This is tough topic... I did tell her, very soon, few weeks after my first attempts. I had always wanted to try pantyhose and stockings, but I thought it wasnt for me, because of all the hair made it seem just uncompatible, ugly, it wasnt something for me. As soon as I gathered some courage waxed and my legs, something clicked, it wasnt just the nylons, I wanted more, to look pretty, and try everything! It felt so good looking at the mirror... and yet later I felt so bad, I was still in denial, it had to be just a kink or fetish. I guess it was the fact that I hated the possibility of being trans (still do in some degree) Wife and I had been by that time exploring not entirely heterosexual stuff, so I thought i should bring the issue. It wasnt well recieved. She, like myself, hates that i could be a transwoman. How could i blame her for felling the same as me, it was hard to admit we where being transphobes, and even harder to stop doing it. We love each other too much, there is too much at stake for us to not make efforts to understand and grow. We still have ups and downs, but we are stronger than ever. I cut the full dressing to just myself, with some exceptional ocassions, and her PJs which we share. Sometimes she buys me things, but not often, I have more than enough for what I need!! And I can always use her stuff. It isnt always easy to not be able to dress more femenine everytime I want to, but Im quite happy the way I look. I like my long hair, my cute nails, and the only thing I regret is not removing my body and facial hair sonner(because white hair cant be lasered out!!) Im sure people wonder when they see me, but Im mostly happy where I am right now without publicly transitioning and just being very, very androginous. The hormones are tempting, but Im not ready for that. Am I a transwoman, nonbinary, genderfluid or any other tag?? I really dont know, and honestly I dont care that much. I wish many diffrent things that are apparently not compatible, but then, sometimes they are!!
Regarding being friends, the more I can offer is being friendly, but usually Im too overwhelmed to answer most my dms
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bridgyrose · 4 months
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Is it possible to get a reaction of the rest of team WBY for finding out that Ruby is in fact still alive and joined Salem after a news report of the fall of atlas in the vampire au where Ruby was turned by cinder? Or perhaps in the Salem’s vessel au where Ruby confronts Qrow about what he really does when he goes on missions like Salem suggested.
(Alright, some more of the Ruby turned vampire au. There's... a bit more set up I really should do for this)
Ruby stayed quiet as she walked through the Atlas streets, keeping to the shadows during the short hours the sun was around. Everything about Cinder’s plan to bring Atlas down felt off, almost as if there was information missing about how they were going to obtain the relic and how they were going to use it. And on top of all of that, she still wasnt sure how they were going to infiltrate the academy. Beacon wasnt hard for Cinder to get into, no one knew her. But Atlas… Cinder was known by face due to her actions at Beacon and Ruby, while she was able to clear her name a bit, was a dead woman as far as anyone was concerned. 
“What’s your position?” Cinder asked over her earpiece. “You know we dont have much time for this.” 
“I’m outside the academy now,” Ruby answered quietly, watching a group of soldiers leave Atlas Academy while another group entered. “This isnt going to work.” 
“As long as you follow my instructions, you’ll be fine. Besides, your job is to find the maiden in any way possible.” 
Ruby sighed and turned off her earpiece once Cinder went quiet, quietly going over her own part of the plan. Sure, Atlas Academy was busy enough that she could sneak in without issue and few people would recognize her. But on the other hand, if she was caught, then everything she was working for would fall apart. Her team could be hurt by Salem or even by Atlas once they found out her death was faked. 
Still, she didnt have much of an option if she wanted her friends and family to be safe. She closed her eyes to focus as Cinder taught her, shifting into a small bat and made her way into Atlas, keeping towards the ceiling to remain out of sight. After hours of flying around, listening to soldiers, desk workers, and Ironwood, she finally found where the winter maiden was being held. Though, following Winter through the hallways to slip into the room and hide until she was alone was much harder than she thought. 
Ruby shifted in a shadowed corner, turning her earpiece on once more, voice shaking as she spoke. “I… I found her. Now what?” 
“Turn on your scroll’s beacon and I’ll find you.” 
“And then what? She’s deep in the academy and the second you get those powers, we’ll get caught.” 
“Leave that to me.” 
“But Cinder-” 
“You will trust me and let me do my job. Do you understand?” 
“Fine…” Ruby said as she pulled out her scroll and turned on the beacon to let Cinder find her. Just one mission, that’s all she needed and she could be done. She could finally relax, watch her teammates in the shadows to keep them safe, and no longer have Salem breathing down her neck. She listened to the seconds tick on her scroll as she waited for Cinder to come, freezing as she watched the secure door open, coming face to face with a huntress with icy blue eyes and a scar across her left eye. 
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yang sighed as she put her daughter to bed, pausing as she saw a picture of herself, Ruby, and Blake on the wall above the crib. Her heart ached a bit as she stared at the picture of her sister, thinking back to how Ruby had acted just a few short years ago. Sure, Yang believed Ruby when she said that she wasnt part of why Beacon fell, it became harder to believe it over the years after watching Ruby pull away and become less present in their lives. 
“Everything okay, Yang?” Blake asked, putting a hand on her wife’s shoulder. “You said putting her down would be quick.” 
“She’s fast asleep and laid down without a fuss.” Yang finally looked away from the picture on the wall and to Blake, giving her a sad smile. “Just thinking about Ruby.” 
“I miss her too. We can go visit her grave-” 
“We both know it's empty.” 
“But it’ll help. Its been a few months since we’ve gone to see her anyway.” 
Yang let out a soft sigh, knowing Blake was right. Even if the grave was empty, it still helped to visit and talk to her like Ruby used to do with their mother. “We can go in the morning and take Bella with us.” 
Blake smiled a bit and leaned against Yang. “In that case, now that she’s asleep and we have a little time on our own, we can sit down and watch a few shows without getting interrupted.” 
Yang nodded and gently walked Blake back out to the front room, sitting down with her wife and trying to relax as her mind calmed. She flipped the tv back on with the remote, a small smile crossing her lips as she pulled Blake close and pulled a blanket over the two of them. It was finally going to be a quiet night, just the two of them. 
The tv flickered for a moment as the Emergency Broadcast system took over, cutting every channel off from its programming as Weiss came up on screen. Her hands shook as she held her side and the faint sound of grimm alarms could be heard behind her as she spoke. “People of Remnant, Atlas… Atlas needs help. Grimm are swarming the streets and our army isnt enough. We need help evacuating as many people as we can. I dont know if this message is getting out-” she paused for a moment as she stumbled on camera, almost cursing under her breath as she caught herself. “-and I dont know how much longer we have, but its time for the world to know about a war that has been taking place in the shadows. There’s a woman who controls the grimm, known as Salem, who orchestrated the fall of Beacon. Cinder, and the former huntress Ruby Rose are assisting her-” 
The broadcast cut out, going right back to the programming that was showing before. Yang slowly tried to relax herself as she felt her entire body clench at the idea of another city, another academy, falling to the grimm. The fingers on her mechanical hand clicked as she shook as she held Blake close. Hearing Ruby’s name casted more doubt into her, no longer sure what the truth was or what Ruby’s role was in all of this, but all of those memories of Beacon falling she had pushed away had started to come back. Ruby slicing into Pyrrha with her scythe, killing Penny to save Cinder… everything that could’ve been explained with Emerald’s semblance all now made more sense that Ruby had been working with Cinder the entire time. 
“Everything will be fine, I’m sure its just someone using Ruby’s name,” Blake said as she slowly got up. 
“You’re going to Atlas, arent you?” 
Blake nodded. “They need huntsmen. And if Ruby really is alive, is there helping bring down another school… I need to be there for Weiss.” 
Yang stood up and pulled Blake into a kiss, hugging her tightly. “Promise me you’ll come home in one piece. For me and our daughter.” 
Blake purred into the kiss. “Always. I’ll always come home to you.”
Prev
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lywnx · 8 months
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hello!!!! I'm thinking of starting commissions and was wondering if you have any advice? I don't want to do anything super serious yet, my skill isn't good enough yet, but I figure for 7 bucks someone somewhere may want something I'm willing to draw.. idk you do comms and your art is very pretty so I figure you'd be a good person to ask
AWW thank you!! this is gonna be a bit long sooooo!! more under the cut!!
the first thing is to not undercharge your work. some artists start by selling their work for 1usd, 2usd and think this might make others more interested bc its cheap right? but thts not how it works. the price you put is how much your comm is WORTH. when i first came back to instagram (with NO following) my prices were $10 for a bust, $15 for a halfbody and $25 for a fullbody. keep in mind i worked faster back then but my quality wasnt the same that it is today. so generally u should aim for similar prices, this way youre not losing too much and not underselling yourself. even if it doesnt take long to draw, people are still paying for ur knowledge and time. doesnt matter if u take 20 mins or 3 hours. n its likely to get peoples attention too, since a $15 piece might be better in quality than a $1 piece right? once youve got a stable income, you can start by upping your prices. i always like to tell people to keep a difference between prices since each piece is very different. a fullbody by me costs $95 today, for the fact the composition takes a bit to create, its a more complex piece, etc. so dont go with 15 - 20 - 25. try to go with 10 increments at the very LEAST. 'oh but i am not getting as much comms anymore!!' ur working less for more money. now ur taking ONE $40 commission instead of 3 $15 commissions. another thing is, giving how all social medias are not fit for artists right now, things will be a bit harder. when i first started i had access to twitter and instagram algorithm wasnt so bad. nowadays, differnt story. but do NOT let this stop you. take advantage from all sites available to you, promote your art everywhere. a good tip is to be present online. interact with your public, others, share their works, create a community. this is what matters the most. this is what will get you far. i also reccomend discord serves tons (u can join mine! its on my carrd), as u can reach even more people. try to keep ur social media as active possible. but also REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS. ur mental health is also important and burnout is something serious. no matter how hard this can be, u got this. remember, that artist that gets $300 in a comm also had to start somewhere. u can do this.
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scouts-thingsandrps · 9 months
Text
Incorrect Across the Spiderverse Quotes
Hobie, texting: Miles, will you please go to sleep?
Miles, texting back: What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up?
Hobie, yelling: I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!
Hobie, texting: Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon?
Miles, texting: I’m trying
Hobie, yelling again: TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH
Hobie, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky :)
-
Miles, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.
-
Gwen: I feel so burnt out.
Ember: Don’t worry, it'll be over soon.
Gwen: Are you gonna... assassinate me?
Ember: Well not if you’re expecting it.
-
Gwen: If I run and leap at Hobie, they will most certainly catch me in their arms.
Gwen, running towards Hobie: Coming in!
Hobie: No! I’m holding coffee!
Hobie: *Drops coffee and catches Gwen*
-
Lyla: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASNT. NOBODY IS LAUGHING.
Lyla: *pulls up a graph* THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SONGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! IVE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY!
Miguel: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst.
Lyla: CONGRATULATIONS! YOUVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERES A MEDAL! *pulls up a horrible ms paint drawn star that says "you need help*
-
Pavitr: I wish I had more enemies.
Hobie: I’m sure you will someday, honey.
-
Gwen: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
Hobie: And here we have a capitalist.
Miles: Did you just-
Pavitr: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.
-
Pavitr: What does “take out” mean?
Gwen: Food.
Miles: Dating.
Ember: Murder.
Hobie: It can be all three if you’re brave enough
-
Miles: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Hobie: Several traffic violations.
Gwen: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Ember: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Pavitr: Also, that’s not our car.
-
Ember: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
Hobie, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?
-
Miguel: Peter! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.
Peter B.: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.
-
Jessica: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am.
Miguel: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING!
-
Jessica: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Miguel: I don't want your advice.
Jessica: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
-
Miguel, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?
Jessica: Tea.
Miguel: Wrong. It's coffee.
-
Miles: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
Hobie: Unless you're home alone.
Miles: Why are you like this?
-
Hobie: *mixing different alcoholic beverages together*
Gwen: What are you making?
Hobie: A mistake.
-
Miles: *makes Pavitr a cup of tea but puts salt in it*
Pavitr: *sips tea*
Miles:
Pavitr: *finishes tea*
Miles: Didn't it taste bad?
Pavitr: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.
Miles, tearing up: Oh, okay.
-
Pavitr: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!
-
Hobie: Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.?
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Miles (42): Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing?
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Miles (42): How the hell are you still alive?
Ember: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.
-
Gwen: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?
Pavitr: It’s just you.
-
Gwen, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?
Miles (42): It means like in hand-to-hand combat.
Gwen: Ohhhh-
Miles: Both of you get out of this kitchen.
-
Ember: *is looking at ‘how to spot a narcissist’ websites*
Gwen: What are you doing?
Ember: I’m learning how to blend in
Gwen: I regret talking with you sometimes
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snarlesofthesewers · 7 months
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how'd snarles and snatcher get feels for eachother? Curious.
excuse my bad writing and wall of text (also things in this are definitely subject to change as im still working things out) first i wanna say this all takes place after hat kid enters the sewers, escapes, completes the rest of snatchers contracts, defeats him again as I've mentioned before snarles absolutely despised snatcher but also found amusement and pleasure out of annoying him snarles would go out of their way just to get snatchers attention by triggering his traps and picking fights with him whenever possible but as snarles continued to do this they started to become rather attached to his company at some point snarles would instead start leaving "gifts" like dead animals and flowers at his doorstep snatcher thought it was strange but accepted it anyways because the things snarles kept bringing were ingredients commonly used in his potions i should also mention that the only reason he knew snarles was the one leaving all these things at his house because once while snatcher was brewing potions he ended up seeing snarles spying on him from atop a tree branch. anyways yea occurrences like this became a lot more common until they isolated themselves for about a week and snatcher who had just been getting used to snarles's routine gifts and random pestering started to miss him i mean its not like he had anyone other then his minions to keep him company in that old forest right? and sure the minions were nice and all but he had a harder time really connecting with them since they only really ever followed his orders and did his chores so snatcher ended up wandering around the forest hoping he would catch snarles but of course nobody was there just the dwellers and subconites and the occasional crow but not so much as a sign of snarles they seemed to have just poofed out of existence but as much as snatcher wanted to go on looking for them he had to get back to work its not like those souls are gonna steal themselves right? but then snarles just kind of showed up again like nothing had happened except they began acting very differently instead of the usual insults and trying to claw snatcher to double death they began complimenting his looks and attempting to get uncomfortably close whenever he spoke eyes always locked staring hungrily whenever he was visible snatcher obviously weirded out by the sudden behavioral change in snarles started to actually try and talk to them after basically just trying to ignore him pretending he wasnt there snatcher started by asking questions usually relating to where the hell snarles even came from those were always met with silence and a smug grin then snatcher tried to ask about what snarles was even doing this time he was met with a response with snarles saying something along the lines of "isn't it obvious? I'm toying with you.. messing with you... you intrigue me... you're quite cute when you're angry I cannot resist" "oh and before you even ask me why how about you tell me something. do you ever feel lonely living alone in these woods? do you ever just feel starved? I want you eviscerated and yet here I find myself coming back to you because of that soul crushing emptiness"
i forgot the other half of what i was gonna write but at some point snarles just kind of started showing up at snatchers house and would be asleep in his chair when snatcher returns from whaever the heck he was doing and he tried to get rid of snarles at first but then just kind of accepted that he would keep coming back and that he kind of enjoyed having company and yea then they started bonding and snarles's crush worsened and was no longer easily hidden but yea I still need to figure out a whole lot of shit as you can probably tell
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organicclownfarm · 1 year
Note
Funny how just bc Rowling is a bad person everyone just says harry potter is shit lmao, if she wasnt problematic everyone would still think hp is great and im saying this not even being a fan of that series
honestly i straight up can't disagree with half of this. i think if joker rotflmao had never joined twitter or learned to shut the fuck up a lot of us would HAPPILY view it through rosy nostalgia goggles and the red flags would just look like flags. shit, some people still do REGARDLESS of terfany's unhinged hateful bullshit.
when her insane manifesto dropped, that knocked a lot of peoples rose colored glasses right off and had us looking back at the long list of questionable ass things she added to those books and the world they're set in; how badly she writes the maybe 5 people of color in the ENTIRE series including but not limited to giving a character who is meant to be chinese two korean last names, naming a black man "kingsley shacklebolt", making the two indian characters 2-dimensional props. the way she wrote about a slave race who is often graphically abused but are so stoked about their own slavery that one of the heroes talking about how she thinks they should have rights is played for laughs. the fucking antisemetic caricatures. lycanthropy as a metaphor for aids while there is a character who makes a point of attacking and infecting CHILDREN. the list goes on and on. i could be here all day.
and thing is? a lot of these issues were being spoken about and criticized well before she became an out and proud bigot. the bigotry was baked in on a near atomic level and showed in nearly every page. if it wasn't racism or antisemitism, it was classism, if it wasn't classism it was disdain for welsh irish and/or scottish people or even people from different parts of fucking england, if it wasn't that it was fatphobia, on and on and on.
but like. even if u were to somehow make all of that vanish, you would STILL be left with messy and often inconsistent worldbuilding, a lot of poorly done character development, absolutely no research and it shows, plot holes, occasional pacing issues, and straight-up plagiarism.
harry potter and the world around it was, if anything, a fun sandbox. it was an easy world to place yourself in and play with and imagine as something better than it was. a lot of us loved it not just for the nostalgia but the POTENTIAL so much of it had, because it did have a lot of potential that a better author might have been able to realize.
i myself think i might have still enjoyed the world to this day if jkr never opened her mouth! it's possible to enjoy or even love a thing and still be critical of it or even if u don't love it, you can discard the canon entirely and make ur own little world out of the scraps. but after a certain point u just gotta cut your fucking loses and take the L and say "yeah this wasn't ever good i was just 9 and needed the escapism".
like death to the author or whatever but not when the author is v much alive and proudly using her royalty checks to campaign to make life even harder for a marginalized group in her country.
and i am saying this as person who's special interest for YEARS was hp and the hp world, who bought and re-read the books as an adult just before jinkies ratlicker decided to. y'know.
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youmustfixyourheartt · 8 months
Note
What's the season four beef
ok!! i can finally get to this ask
really i think my main problem with season 4 overall was the pacing. the way the story was being presented made it rather hard to focus on a lot of the characters, focusing on statements about the dark instead. while this was necessary for the whole story arc regarding the dark ritual, that in and of itself was very....anticlimactic and dragged out far longer than it needed to be. it didnt provide much character growth, to my knowledge, other than to show jon's dependence on statements as a source of energy. however i feel as if this could have been done in a different way, placing focus on the characters to do so.
the season, also because of this, makes it rather hard to empathize with many of the characters. while i felt bad for melanie, i wasnt really able to see all the events leading up to her eventual resignation from the archives and thus her quitting didn't have much of an emotional impact on me. while the way she quit WAS horrific, it was harder for me to be as invested in it as i think the podcast intended.
i did end up liking daisy more this season because of the focus we got on her arc. her fighting something that is so utterly engraved and consuming her as a parallel to jon was genius, and the whole episode in the buried really really got me. i was terrified for a character i previously felt had herself under control. this really bums me out because if they were able to do this with daisy they could have done it with melanie or basira.
i understand as well, why not much focus was put onto martin as a character this season. perhaps as a narrative device to further him from the cast, thus imitating the lonely. however i could be reading too far into it, but if it was a narrative device it's genius! i did like jon and martin meeting in the lonely and the "i really loved you, you know" moment, however it lost a lot of the weight it could have had again, because the pacing this season was so heavily focused on the dark ritual and not really anything other than that for a majority of it.
to me, the focus this season should have been more about the characters as characters and their relationships, while still maintaining the stakes of possible world ending rituals and a new entity possibly emerging (which the extinction is its own can of worms and this post is already long enough). this is especially because jon has Literally Just Woken Up From A Coma of SIX MONTHS. we did get some post coma interactions but really it felt as if jon could have spent any time in the hospital and the result would have been the same. season 2 was able to accomplish this in the way of us the listeners caring about sasha enough to be scared when she got replaced! the stakes of the fears were still at play, and the statements themselves were still interesting, but we ALSO got a look into the archival staff and as a result became attached enough that their deaths shocked us.
TL;DR: the magnus archives is a podcast full of interesting characters as well as a fascinating world building system. the characters in this show are all very unique from one another, and this allows you to care deeply for them. however, season four as a whole got too wrapped up in itself it forgot what made it scary and what it was trying to say. you can throw all the horrors in the world at a group of characters, but if we dont know them as people or are given the opportunity to care about them, we aren't going to be scared for them.
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lqvcrz-inc · 2 years
Text
1:50 A.M. || Choi Seungcheol. [ warnings : death, lots of 30 second repetition, i didn't proof-read this...]
"Seungcheol 🫶"
30 seconds. thats how long it takes for a life to change. thats how long it takes for a life to end, for a life to start.
30 seconds. thats how long it takes to miss a call. to ignore a call.
you stared as the caller i.d disappeared.
"Seungcheol 🫶"
you were mad at him. some would even say you hated him at the moment. why should you answer? the last thing he said to you was how much he wished you were never a part of his life. how much he wished you would disappear. your own boyfriend, saying how much he wanted you gone. saying how much he wished you would leave. if you were being honest, you wished for the same thing. you wouldn't care if he disappeared either.
until he did.
you jumped as your phone began ringing for the third time that night.
"Seungcheol 🫶"
you hit the red decline button and threw your phone on your bed. the bed you two shared. the bed where he first said how much he loved you, how much he needed you. you wondered how much of your relationship was a lie. how many words he said that he didn't mean. how many times you've held hands where he thought about how much he wished you would disappear. how many times he would hold you in his arms when you broke down where he wished you would just shut up and leave him alone.
"Seungcheol 🫶"
you grabbed your phone. of course he would call a fourth time, he was persistent. you wouldn't answer. he didn't deserve your time. he didn't deserve to apologize to you. but you answered anyways. it hurt too much to ignore him. you couldn't let 2 of the happiest years of your life go to waste.
"what the fuck do you want?"
silence. there wasnt anything but a song playing on the other line. your song. the song you two would listen to all the time. the song he played for you when you first met. the song that was playing anytime you two got into a car together. the song he played anytime you two fought. the song he played as an apology.
"what the fuck cheol? you think that's gonna work? wow. this isn't some small stupid argument you can just come back from. don't call me back until you get the balls to apologize to me like a fucking man."
and you hung up on him.
that's when you heard the sirens. thats when it hit you. it hit you harder than anything had ever hit you before. you prayed that the conclusion you had just come to in your head wasnt reality. you hoped and prayed to god that it wasn't what you were thinking.
you grabbed your phone and ran to your door. you pulled on your jacket and slid your shoes on before swinging the door open and running out of the apartment. you ran towards the sounds and the lights. you didn't stop running until you finally saw the ambulance. the ambulance and the police cars.
the gasp left your mouth before you could register what you were seeing.
fire. it was on fire.
you ran towards the scene. you got as close as you could without the police telling you to stay back. you knew who's car it was faster than you liked. you didn't want to know who it was. you were hoping it was just the same model. maybe it was just the same color? maybe they had the same stickers on the windshield.
these were the things you hoped for. these were the things you wished were true. these are the things you thought would be reality.
that was until they pulled him out of the car.
that was until you saw his face. until you saw his hair, his clothes. until you saw him.
it was seungcheol.
you didn't know it was possible to scream as loud as you did. the emotions you were feeling, you didn't know you could feel them. every moment after that seemed unreal. it all seemed like it should have been a dream, suddenly you didn't know what to do, suddenly every plan you had for the future that included him came crashing down like a building with a poor foundation.
you couldn't do anything, you couldnt move or yell. the only words that left your mouth were "this isn't real." because it shouldn't have been. this had to be a dream. you fell asleep after he left. you fell asleep and now you're having this horrible nightmare.
you watched as they dragged his body onto the road. you watched as they checked his pulse. you watched as the paramedic yelled that he wasn't breathing. you watched as they rushed around, grabbing anything that could possibly save him, grabbing the stretcher.
you knew it was too late. he was gone. the man you loved, your boyfriend. the only thing you could think was that you should have answered. if you would have answered, maybe you could have saved him. maybe you could have helped in some way. you could have gotten him out. if you would have answered, maybe your heart wouldn't be breaking into a thousand pieces. maybe your brain wouldn't be racing with thoughts of his lifeless body.
"clear!"
the defibrillators were against his bare chest, trying to bring him back. but it was too late, he was gone.
30 seconds. 30 seconds is all it takes to ruin somebodys life, for someones future to end, for someone to lose all meaning, for someone to regret saying things they didn't mean.
30 seconds. 30 seconds is all it takes to realize you didn't hate them, you were just mad.
30 seconds.
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Chapter 7 - Long days, short nights. Episode 1.
Evan: The following week was a mix of diving in Andy and denying my growing feelings for him. I was falling for him, and deep down I already knew. The days were long and hard to get through, trying to keep my distance, but at the same time wanting to be there for him as a person to lean on. The nights were always too short. The time where we truly came alive. Once everyone had gone to bed and were sound asleep, I felt relaxed enough to give into my desire to be with him. We were quickly growing into lovers, there were still no sex between us, but it was getting harder to deny the thought crossed me at least a couple of times per day. Could I? Should I? Once I had ended up letting him unbotton my pants as they had become too tight in the groin area from kissing him, but when he had let a hand slide inside my open pants, fear had once again overwhelmed me, and I had ended up leaving him alone and sweaty in bed. Not my finest moment I have to say, specially cause I following had locked myself up in the barn, drinking till I had passed out. A night I would really like to rewind now as I lay here thinking about it. He was so perfect, gentle, patient, and I just stuck my tail between my legs and ran. I was suddenly scared of a guy I had called my best friend the past 14 years. And for what? Had he touched me more than he did, I would have figured I liked it. And so what? Really? It all seems stupid and childish now. But then again, I do still hide. There's still things I dont dare to do. There's still things he doesnt dare to do. Im still new to this, and so is he. A few days after Christmas we had all driven accross country to the new town we had all decided to settle down in. For reasons I still havent gotten around to explain, we had to uproot our life and start over, lets just call it witness protection for now, although its far more complicated, and half of the people that ever were to hear about it, probably wouldnt believe much of it anyway. But the new town looked nice, at least what we could see of it since it was all covered in snow. And my new house was located up a mountain side, right next to Congo and Andy's. We had used a few days getting settled in, Andy's parents had had to sleep in a guestroom, as the house they were supposed to take over had been slightly delayed, so Andy and I still had to keep a great distance in the daylight. Not to mention I still didnt feel like sharing much with Congo anyway, let alone letting him see Andy and I kiss. I preffered everything to stay as invisible as possible, but what wasnt invisible was my growing desire towards Andy. It was New Years eve I finally gave in. It was just past midnight, everybody was at a great mood, dancing, singing, the new year had come and we were all alive and well. We had managed to put a bad year behind us, and come out on the other side. So to say that we were celebrating were an understatement. I had been deep in conversation with Andy's dad for a while, talking about when Andy and I were younger, all the funny memories were being tossed and turned between us, and the mood was high.
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not urgent, please feel free to take your time or ignore entirely if you feel like it! <3 /gen
so I just started solo recovery from anorexia, and in the few days it's been since I began, I've been eating three meals and snacks and not really feelong guilty for it. that's good, and I'm proud of myself for it!! but I feel like I should be having a harder time with it or it means I wasnt really sick. I know that isnt true, and that I was plenty sick, but I was just wondering if maybe you could provide some validation/reassurance?
also, do you have any advice for judging how much to eat? I'm kind of worried that recovery will lead to consistently overeating, but I dont really know how much I should be eating, so I dont know how much is too much
thank you for everything you do on this blog, it's been immensely helpful in even just making the Decision to recover, and I'm very grateful <33
Your ED is valid and you should be proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to heal! There can be a number of things that can cause the healing stage to vary. It is often typical that anorexic people will struggle to eat again just because they've spent so much time feeling like they're controlling all the difficult things in their life through food restriction, to the point where it mingles with OCD-like food rituals and compulsions. So they become scared to eat "normally" again because letting go of the compulsions feels like letting go of that control. Others struggle to eat larger portions because their stomachs have shrunk, and so eating more can be painful and bloating, which adds to their negative body image. All of these struggles are valid, but it's also possible for you to have had a restrictive eating disorder without developing these problems (or at least, without developing them YET.) That could make it easier to stop restricting.
However, I would recommend being careful. I experienced having latent restrictive-eating problems emerging down the line some time after I thought I had stopped restricting. Just because you're starting on the road to recovery doesn't mean that you're cured. If therapist-hunting isn't an option for you right now, I might suggest you examine some of the factors in your life that may have led you down the road to restricting. (If you wanted to talk to me a little bit more about that, I might have some advice more specific to your situation. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the development of an ED. A lot of times, avoiding things like diet/fitness articles can help, or just avoiding diet culture in general, as well as photoshopped images like the ones in magazines. Do people still read paper magazines? When I was in my prime restricting years it was paper magazines, but now they might be fully online. Either way, the images are super photoshopped.) Take a little time to do internal work for yourself and give yourself a little self-love in the specific areas where you're struggling mentally. Make a practice of this, and you'll have a stronger line of defense against ED resurgence. If you have the option to work with a skilled therapist on this, I highly recommend that.
As for worrying about portions - practice intuitive eating as much as possible. Try to eat whenever you're hungry. Make sure to focus on and enjoy every bite, and reflect on how your stomach and body are feeling from eating until you feel full. If you feel good from nourishing your body, reflect on that feeling. Your body deserves to feel as healthy and good as possible, make sure you always reflect on that. I tend not to give specific portion recs on this blog because different bodies need different things and I worry it will trigger others' EDs, but if you want specific portion advice you could try contacting a nutritionist. But generally, getting a varied, full-nutrient diet and then eating till you feel full. Best of luck! Let me know if there's more specific advice I could offer.
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