#thanks for letting me ramble anon i love you

[maybege]

What If - Part 4

Summary: Mandalore approached and you cannot help but feel like something is about to go terribly wrong.  

Pairing: alpha!Paz Vizsla x omega!fem!Reader

Wordcount: 6.2k | Rating: E (18+ only!)

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics, explicit sexual content, size kink (Paz is big-big), (semi-)public sex, oral sex (m receiving), unprotected sex, creampies, knotting, cockwarming, dirty talk, praise kink, Angst with a capital A, fluffy fluf

As we say in German “Was lange wärht, wird endlich gut” which is what I am using as my excuse for why this took so long. The truth is: depression is a bitch, real life is a bitch and creativity and time for writing are like the same side of two magnets that do not want to even go near each other. Anyway, we made it!!!

There are a few people I gotta thank for this. First and foremost the iconic, the brilliant @mostly-megan who not only suffers through all the random AU ideas I have (and there are a LOT of them) but also brainstorms with me. The Ragnar Scene and also a very (very!) lovely scene towards the end of this part would not exist without her and for that, I am very grateful. Then, of course, the ever-present, ever-lurking genius that is the Boba Tea Anon who is in the Paz trenches right there with me and encourages me in everything I do (even if it is just a – I promise one day I will do a Lord Huron Paz piece!). Also, a very special shout out to Neyo (@galacticgraffiti) who gave the Mando kids their names, suffers through The Horn Knee with me and is always there to cheer me on. And then, of course, all you Paz girlies (gn) who make me feel like a sane person while I ramble about a faceless man who appeared for a total of 23 minutes (if that) and is – canonically – dead anyway. You make sharing my writing worthwhile in the first place and I will be forever grateful for getting to share my writing with you.

And with that – on to the last part (and the new canon for me lol). Please let me know what you thought in a comment or a reblog!

masterlist | crossposted on AO3

There was a certain impatience to him you had not expected at the last meal. When the announcement came that you were approaching Mandalore, Paz – who had spent the dinner between you and Ragnar – had pulled you into his lap, his arms like iron around your body. Ragnar had wandered off to the front with all the other foundlings, expectantly looking up at the clan leaders.

You had turned your face into Paz’s neck, trying to get his scent on you. You could not believe how you had only known this man for a few days – a week, at most! – and yet his scent was the only thing that seemed to calm you down. And it was no different for him.

The alpha’s hand immediately found your scent gland and you shivered as the soft leather brushed over your skin. It did not take long until he pulled his gloves off, settling them into your lap, before resuming his motions.

The nervous energy in the room was palpable but it was practically radiating off him and it inevitably affected you as well. Where you had been excited, if a bit reluctant, a few weeks ago at the prospect of reclaiming Mandalore, now there was only a strange sense of dread in your stomach. One that even the alpha could not dissolve.

“When you wake up tomorrow, some of us will set foot on our homeland for the first time in too many years,” Briggs announced, his serious gaze roaming over the packed hall, “I cannot promise you it will be easy. I cannot promise we will all wake up to the sight of Mandalore. But we will die trying.”

You could see Ragnar looking back at his father who tilted his head. A gesture meant to be reassuring but only resulted in you questioning whether Paz would be one of those dying. You shifted nervously, causing Paz to tighten his hold on your waist.

“Calm down, love,” he rumbled quietly behind you, “It will be alright.”

Forcing yourself to nod, you gripped his large hand tightly, trying to burn into your brain what it was like to touch him,

“Rest well and rest assured that tomorrow will mark the start of a brand new era,” Briggs raised his glass, “And let us toast to our home!”

“To our home!”

Everyone lifted their glasses and the conversations resumed, a constant background roar that reminded you of the countless fates that were tied to the success of this mission. A strange feeling started in your chest, and not the kind that Paz’s presence usually caused.

You shifted again, watching as the crowd dissipated and the foundlings were walked off to bed. Their excited chatter moved down the hall and something cold clenched your heart when you watched Ragnar wave at his father.

Immediately everything quieted down. With everyone returning to their own conversations and the hall being considerably more empty now, Paz did not waste any time. His hands landed on your thighs and you managed a wobbly smile.

 “What is going on in your pretty head?” he asked you, his fingers skimming over your thighs, “You’ve been squirmy all evening.”

“Who says something is on my mind?”, you popped a berry into your mouth, grimacing at the sudden sour taste.

“True,” he laughed, “You might have just spent dinner thinking about when you can finally sit on my cock again.”

“Paz!” you gasped, “you cannot – I mean – what if –“ You glanced around with flushed cheeks, relieved to see that no one had seemed to hear his indecent theory.

He laughed again and the sound made your heart and body melt. “I will never tire of making you flustered,” he murmured, his big hands pulling you closer, “Though I actually would not mind having you cockwarm me tonight, sweet omega,” his fingers brushed the underside of your breasts and you shivered, “I would be lying if I said I could ever get enough of you.”

“I actually had something similar in mind,” you admitted shyly, slipping off his lap and enjoying the way his hands followed you and his body leant into you. As if he wanted to keep touching you, as if he never wanted to let you go. Your heart skipped a beat and you smiled.

“I … would like to try something?”

He leant back, his legs spreading with the movement and your teeth dug into your bottom lip at the sight of the obvious bulge in his pants. “Oh yeah, omega, and what would that be?”

You made a few steps away, making sure that your robe (a dark blue, just like his armour) swished around your form as enticingly as possible. Paz’s head turned to follow your movement from your place in front of him to a chair in a dark alcove, dressed in shadows where you knelt down right in front of it.

The big alapha hummed, rising to his feet, knowing exactly what it was you had in mind. “I think I can get behind that idea.”

From the other sounds that were floating through the cantina, you knew that illicit things were already well underway. Most of them likely more graphic and adventurous than what you had in mind. Still, you felt a little nervous at the prospect of sucking Paz Vizsla’s cock.

But for some reason, this was exactly what you needed. You wanted to bring him pleasure, so much pleasure.

You watched as he pulled off his cape, folding it expertly before motioning for you to stand. He dropped it on the floor, his hand steadying your elbow as you sunk down on the soft fabric. “Don’t want you uncomfortable,” he announced, before sitting down in the chair.

He looked big like this, bigger than usual. And oh so confident it already made your panties wet. His knees spread, the trunks he called thigh caging you in and you watched with bated breath as his fingers undid his codpiece, expertly freeing his cock.

He was already hard and dripping precome, the knot at the base slightly inflated and you squeezed your thighs. It was not like you had never seen his cock before and it certainly was not as if he had not fucked you before. Yet, the sheer size of him and the thought of taking him in your mouth overwhelmed you a little.

Where were you supposed to start?

But when one big rough hand closed around his shaft and Paz started to jerk off right in front of you, you could not help but to simply … dive in.

Opening your mouth as far as it would go, you closed your lips around his tip, one hand struggling to fit around him. The grunt he let out, paired with a twitch of his hips, had you smiling around him.

“Stars above,” he cursed, “Warn a man next time, won’t you, love?”

You looked up at him, teary-eyed, while your tongue licked the underside of him. Or at least the part you could reach. He was heavy in your mouth, heavy and big and he tasted of something that made you want more. Slowly, you moved forward trying to take more of him but soon enough, he bumped something at the back of your throat and you sputtered.

Before you could panic about breathing, Paz had pulled out of you, his large hand cupping your cheek while the other was still wrapped around the base of his cock. “Deep breaths, omega,” he soothed you, his hand leisurely stroking himself, “You are doing so good for, trying to take it all.”

“You’re so big,” you marvelled, wrapping your hands around him, “I want it all, alpha, I – Paz, I really want it all.”

“Want my help?” he asked, “Might have to be a little rougher, though, sweet omega, and I can smell how much that turns you on but I need you to tell me – Are you sure?”

You nodded eagerly, darting your tongue out to lick at him. “I am sure, alpha,” you murmured, pressing a kiss to the tip, “I promise.”

“If it is too much, tap my thigh three times, understood?”

You nodded again, shifting on your makeshift pillowed. Your thighs were already drenched at this point and you wondered whether you could come just from sucking him off. It seemed like you would be able to do a lot of things when it came to Paz.

His grip on your face loosened just the tiniest bit. “Open up for me,” he ordered, pulling your face towards him, “There we fucking go. Gorgeous.”

“I will never tire of this sight,” he groaned, “You struggling to take my size, trying to be so good for me,” he shifted, his hips surging forward and you smiled with pride when you did not gag this time, “Can I go deeper, love? Is that okay?”

With your position between his legs, your jaw wide open around him, you could not really nod. But Paz seemed to recognize the excited twinkle in your eye because you could hear the grin in his voice when he muttered a “Stars, you’re perfect.”

You took great care to keep your breathing even and through your nose, experimentally swirling your tongue around him every time he pulled out of your mouth. His thrusts grew heavier, his hold on you tighter and you swore you were this close to coming just from the sheer sight of his shaft covered in the sheen of you.

It was not long before he came in thick spurts on your tongue. You struggled to swallow it all, your throat working overtime as you did your best to swallow around him. “Good girl,” he praised you, “My good fucking girl.”

Your heart jumped in your chest as you licked him clean, not quite ready to let go of this intimacy.

His hand came to your chin, gently scooping up some of the come that had spilt from your lips. “Here you go,” he offered his coated thumb and you sucked the digit into your mouth without hesitation. You could never get enough of his taste.

“Let’s retire for the night, love,” he suggested, “We have a long day ahead of us.”

*

By the time you got settled in your bunk, you knew it was only a few hours before everything would start. Before you had to say goodbye.

Paz had excused himself, leaving you to get ready for bed alone before he appeared by your side, dressed completely in his armour.

“Are you okay?”

“Said goodbye to Ragnar,” he explained, sitting down on the little cot, hunching his shoulders over so he would not hit his head.

“Oh.”

Somewhere behind the curtains, someone snored.

Paz grunted when he laid down, his giant arm reaching out and pulling your back to his front.

“Is this okay?” you asked quietly, “It’s a tight fit.”

“It’ll be okay,” he murmured, grunting when he pulled the curtain closed, “I will not spend my last night without my calmer.”

“Aren't you uncomfortable?” you asked, your voice small, “With – with the armours and me and all the …”

“I will not spend my last night without my calmer,” he repeated, leaving no room for doubt. It took a bit of shuffling to turn you around but when you finally were facing him, you already felt much better. You tucked your face into his neck, breathing in his scent as he wrapped both arms around you.

Your heart was squeezing so hard in your chest that the emotional pain became physical.

What if this was his last night? What if you would never see him again?

And what if you did? Would it ever be like this again? Would he want to keep you as his calmer (or more?) when Mandalore was finally reclaimed?

Paz shifted, his large hands running over your back until one settled at the back of your neck.

“I got you,” he rumbled, “You’ll be safe, omega, I promise.”

You swallowed away the need to tell him that it wasn’t your safety you were worried about.

 *

The next morning was worse. It barely qualified as morning and you were sure you had not found any sleep. You had just been shifting all night from side to side, desperately burying your nose in his neck to soak up every little bit of his scent that he could give you.

You were not sure if Paz had slept either but when the alarms sounded in the room at the same time, it took him a minute to get up. Everyone was shuffling around the packed room silently, most of them already dressed and armoured. Ready to descend to the surface of Mandalore.

Despair was clawing at your insides. You felt like you were watching something from the outside that you knew would fail. That you knew would destroy everything you held close to your heart.

And yet, you watched helplessly as they lined up, preparing to board the ship that would take them into the atmosphere.

It was silent – eerie – as if everyone knew something big was about to happen. And you couldn’t move from his side. You couldn’t even if you wanted to. You needed to be here with him.

You watched as Paz double-checked his weapons and your mouth quirked up as you remembered how the man had seemed like a weapon on his own the very first time you had seen him. And how true it was, now that you saw guns and rifles packed to every piece of his armour that could carry it.

Your smile fell just as quickly as it had appeared. Would this be the last time you got to see him?

You had been scared a lot of times in your life. Like when your parents had taught you how to swim and you had been convinced you would sink to the bottom of the sea. Or when you had taken a bad fall in one of the hiding places and scuffed your knee. But that childish fear of creatures and heights was nothing compared to the existential dread that settled in your stomach.

It wasn’t fear that something could go wrong it was fear that you knew something was going to go wrong.

And could you really risk this?

“You, uh, you will come back, right?” you whispered, already hating how needy you sounded. But you needed to hear him say it. You needed Paz Vizsla’s words to be the ones to tie you to the hope of a future together.

“Someone already scared for me?” Paz tilted his head and while you knew this was supposed to be a joke, his voice did not sound very light. Like he knew it too. That feeling.

“Well, I mean you have Ragnar,” you shrugged, pulling the cloak closer around you, “And I mean your tribe needs you, you are a great warrior and –“

“Exactly,” he interrupted you gently. You watched as he approached you, his steps heavy and measured and you swallowed. “I am a great warrior,” he repeated with his fingers under your chin, tilting your head up to look at him, “Which is why I will come back to you.”

“But –“

“Listen to me,” he whispered, his hand cupping the side of your neck, scenting you so gently your eyes fluttered close, “I vow to the stars, I will come back to you, love.”

That was the last thing he said to you before he boarded the ship.

*

If somebody asked you what happened during the time you were waiting, you would not be able to tell them. As soon as Paz embarked on the with the scouting group, it felt like time stood still. You barely knew what you were doing. You were pacing the entire length of the ship it seemed, Ragnar keeping you company for a few of those pacing trips before he distracted himself by playing with the other foundlings.

You tried to approach your feelings rationally. You had spent a lot of your time these past few days in close proximity with Paz. He was an alpha, you were an omega, obviously there were some biological components that could have contributed to your feelings for him.

But that was exactly it. Your feelings …

At the thought of Paz not coming back, it felt like your heart ripped into two. You could not fathom a world without him in it and, more importantly perhaps, you could not fathom your life without him in it. You wanted him to come back and when all the tribes settled in their parts of Mandalore, you wanted to be as close to him as now. You wanted to spend your evening with him and Ragnar and you wanted to know what his days were like, what his role was in his clan.

Whether he wanted to keep you in his life as well.

Waiting was pure torture. Communications were cut and all that remained was the cold silence of the ship. You avoided the cockpit and strategy meetings, Briggs (thankfully) seemed to understand your reluctance and did not press you on the matter. Until Axe Woves came to warn the ship of the Imperial that had settled on the planet and the fight that had broken loose.

That was the meeting you had insisted on attending, hoping that – in whatever capacity – the stoic alpha might drop some comments about the people on the surface.

“Is,” you swallowed, “Is he well?”

The beskar-clad man, much to your frustration, said nothing at all.

Which was not very helpful.

The fight continued and troops were dispatched and you stayed, keeping the foundlings safe and quiet. In fitful dreams, you heard yourself confessing your love to him just before he disappeared never to return again. You woke up with cold sweats until you crawled into his bunk, pressing your nose into his pillow and willing yourself to think of a future in which he came back to you unharmed.

Sometimes, you could hear Sluice and Chants converse about what to do if it all failed. Whether to settle back in Nevarro was another possibility or if the tribes should stick together to find a new home.

All you could think was that you would not leave Paz on this planet.

You could not leave him.

It was morning when the announcement came. You had buried yourself in his cot, his sheets pressed to your nose as you took trembling breaths when the PA system stuttered to life, the mechanical voice echoing through the empty hallways.

You had retaken Mandalore. The air was breathable and you could safely land on the surface to meet the victorious troops.

The joy and excitement that spread through your entire body could not be described. Nothing could happen to wipe the smile off your face as you frantically searched for the one good dress you wanted to wear when you saw Paz again. You wanted to please him and kiss him and tell him you loved him. And maybe, if you were very lucky, he loved you too.

Stars, how you hoped he would.

But that elation stopped short when you set foot onto Mandalore. You could not even look at the surrounding landscapes, the fallen home of your ancestors – when you spotted the group but no Paz. A quick glance around did not reveal him either and suddenly the feeling of dread was back again.

Briggs was standing there too, and you knew the man long enough that when you saw his eyes getting glassy at your sight, he did not need to say anything anymore for the tears to fall.

This was it then.

You always wondered what it would feel like to live with a broken heart. Now you knew.

The pain in your heart was unbearable and you suddenly wished that you had never left the bunk this morning. That you were still curled up in his scent and his blankets without the knowledge that the alpha you wanted to spend your life with was dead.

“Where is my buir?” Ragnar asked somewhere behind you and you could hear it in his voice. How he tried to sound strong but he was just a child. A child without his father.

He made his way to the front and stopped by your side. You put your hands on his shoulder.

“I am sure he will be fine,” you assured him, not believing your own words, “He – he must have … another mission somewhere, right?” you looked to Axe Woves who avoided your gaze, “Right?”

Ragnar grabbed your hand. “Bu said if he is late, I need to distract you.”

“What? Why?”

“Because we're family,” he said it so effortlessly, “and because I know he will come back but you might worry and you shouldn’t worry.”

You were not sure what happened first: the stopping of your heart or the break in your breath. Paz told him you were his family? Ragnar considered you … his family?

“Do you wanna play a board game?” the boy asked and the breath rushed back into your lungs, “Bu taught me a few games for when I wait for him to come back.”

“He did?” you asked, your voice faint as you followed him back to where someone had set up a small open-air cantina at the ramp of the ship. You ignored the looks Briggs and Chants gave you. Ignored the way that Bo Katan bowed her head as if to pay respect to you as if you had something to mourn.

Not now, you told yourself as your heart cracked in your chest. Maybe tomorrow you could bury yourself in Paz’s bunk, breathing in his scent until there was nothing left but your own grief.

Tomorrow, you promised yourself, Tomorrow I will know he is dead.

*

The sun was setting over the mountains and Ragnar made no sign of stopping the game anytime soon. He had patiently explained the elaborate card game to you before dealing the cards. And then he had continued to play with you the entire day. Sometimes, people joined you for a round or two. The first had been Din Djarin – the man with the green baby. He had not said anything but you could feel the sadness coming off him in waves.

Then there had been The Armourer who had stayed for only one round, occasionally speaking to Ragnar about his helmet ceremony (the first having been interrupted only a few weeks prior). She was followed by Sluice, Bo Katan and finally, Briggs.

“Mind if I join?” the older man had asked, only sitting down when you nodded.

“Not at all,” Ragnar spoke up, relieving you of the to find the energy, “Do you know the rules?”

Briggs had left after two rounds, his warm hand on your shoulder the only indication of what he had come here to say. My condolences for your loss.

The tears had burned hot in your eyes but you forced yourself to keep playing. Ragnar won most rounds and the one he did not, you were fairly sure he lost on purpose. “No worries,” he assured you with childish wisdom, “Sometimes it takes a little longer to get the rules.”

“That is okay,” you forced yourself to smile, “How about we take a break for some food?”

“Good idea!” the boy jumped up, “I will get some of the berries and you stay here and watch the cards!”

Before you could protest, he had raced to the small buffet table.

You both welcomed and feared the moment of solitude this afforded you. It allowed you to take a deep breath, to let your shoulders and your guard fall. Maybe even a few tears if you were quick about it. You did not want Ragner to see you like this. He seemed to be determined that his father was alive and well – that he would return – that you could not bear to be the one to break his heart.

“Bu!” Ragnar shouted and you whipped around immediately. It took you a moment to find Ragnar but when you did, he had his arms wrapped around the legs of a large man. A man dressed in dark blue armour.

 “Paz,” you sighed, feeling tons lighter. Ragnar threw himself at his father who caught him though you did not fail to notice the way his legs almost buckled.

Stars he was hurt.

A new wave of panic washed over you and you did not realise you had stood up until the stoll toppled behind you. Several pairs of eyes were on you but you only cared about one.

Paz set Ragnar down and whispered something to him. You watched as the boy nodded, skipping off to Din and the Armourer. And then Paz walked towards you. Though walk seemed too weak a word for the way his heavy steps came closer and closer, his looming figure soon right in front of you.

Paz was right in front of you.

“You,” he growled, taking your hand without slowing his stride, “Come with me.”

“Paz, what happened?” you asked, trying to look him over, “Are you hurt? Did – Were those Imperials we spotted on the radar? Axe Woves and Briggs and – oh stars, we need to get you checked out and wait – are you bleeding? Where does it hurt maybe I can –“

A door swished open and you glanced around in confusion. This was not the infirmary. This was not even a proper room if the cleaning supplies on the shelves were anything to go by.

“Paz, you need – oh!” your hands gripped his shoulders tightly when he lifted you onto a surface. Was it a table? A counter? Stars, you could not bring yourself to care. Not when he was standing in front of you, panting like he had the fight of his life behind him.

Which he probably did.

Your heart clenched again, from fear or joy you could not tell.

His large hand fiddled with your dress and with a rip, your entire front piece was hanging off you in tatters.

“Alpha,” you cried, moving your hands from his shoulders to his chest, “Alpha, are you all right? I was so worried.”

The big man stepped between your open legs and you took a deep breath. The smell of adrenaline burned your nose but you could not help but notice the arousal that was in the air as well. He was angry and determined and the way he did not even look at his hands when he tugged on his belt made you glad you were already sitting down.

“Keep calling me that and I will be,” he grunted, opening the snaps of his armour and finally his fly.

Your eyes were fixated on his hand around his cock. “Pull down your dress,” he instructed instead, “I want to see your tits.”

You hurried to do so, almost ripping the fabric entirely in the process but you could not care less. Not when you had your dream of an alpha standing between your open legs, getting ready to fuck you. The ruined fabric pooled around your hips and the cool air made your nipple pebble. But then Paz was right there, the bulk of his body between yours and you could feel his cock against the inside of your thigh.

He pushed the tip of his cock against your folds, slowly circling your clit and you whimpered. Why did everything he did feel so good? “Ready?” he asked, spreading your wetness around and you found yourself wishing that you could see. That you could see how big he was against you, how his hand gripped himself, how his brows might furrow in determination and the set of his lips as he pushed inside you.

But you could not have everything in life. And for this moment, the feeling of his cock stretching your walls was enough. He was here, he was alive and he made you feel so stars forsaken good.

“Fuck,” you sighed, “Paz …”

“That’s good, huh?” he grumbled, slowly pulling out before pushing back in. You could feel your walls ease around him, your juices covering his shaft and the gland on your neck pulsed with the need to have him scent you.

He remained still for a few moments and you took a deep breath, breathing him in again and trying to get yourself to realize that he was alive. Your alpha was alive.

Paz started to move, then, and slowly pushed inside you again before building up a steady rhythm that had him deep, deep inside you. And all you could think, between bouts of pleasure, was that he was alive. Paz was alive.

“Fuck,” you whispered, your hand shaking as you gripped the edge of the table, overcome with emotion, “A-alpha, I was so scared. “

A particularly hard thrust had your hands fly around his neck. “I was protecting you,” he replied, his voice shaking, “You were never in any danger, omega, I would not allow it.”

“I wasn’t scared for me, you di’kut,” you cursed as you hastily wiped away the tears streaming down your face, “I was scared for you!”

Paz grunted at your admission, pushing inside you again and pulling you as close as he could with the armour in the way. “And I was scared of never seeing you again,” he confessed into the darkness between your faces, “That I was breaking my promise to you.”

“Wh-What,” you gasped, feeling his cock grow inside you, “Alpha, what is happening?”

“Oh fuck,” he grunted, “Sorry, ‘mega, sorry, I didn't mean to – oh shit, love, you gotta stop squeezing me.”

Easier said than done. In fact, it seemed impossible. Because as soon as you realized that it was his knot swelling inside of you, all you could think about was what it would be like to be knotted by him. Which turned you on beyond belief.

The mental image of him filling you up to the brim, the giant size of him staying inside you, made your walls flutter and your high approach so much faster. Paz’s movements did not stop and you could feel the ring at his base growing and growing, catching on your entrance with every thrust and making you yearn to keep him inside.

“Alpha, will you – Can you – oh!” he hit that spot inside you again that made your blood sing and you fell back against the wall, completely at his mercy.

And then the light went out.

Your body tensed with fright and you squeaked, thinking something had gone horribly wrong. But Paz did not seem deterred and you faintly remembered that the light switch was somewhere on his side of the room.

There was a sound you could not pinpoint, followed by a loud clatter and then his hand was at the back of your neck, pulling you to him and you squirmed at how he folded you in half, his cock still nestled deep inside you and then he was … kissing you.

You gasped, the feeling of his lips familiar against yours and everything you had dreamed of.

“Fuck it feels good to fill you up,” he murmured, the praise making your cheeks warm.

Your legs were still trembling around his hips and you tightened your hold around his neck. Your nose bumped against his scent gland. Add that to the feeling of his smile against your shoulder and even retaking Mandalore could never rival the feeling of being scented by him.

“That good, huh?” he teased you, his lips moving against your skin.

He had some stubble that tickled your sensitive skin and you gasped, the sensation opening you up even more.

And then he pushed inside you one last time as you came around him. The knot at his base swelled with no signs of stopping, locking you together as he filled you up. You shivered at the feeling of him twitching inside you, spurts of come filling you up in a way you had never experienced before, increasing the pressure inside you that made your walls clench. He continued to rut against you, causing your clit to rub against his pelvis again and again, prolonging your peak.

After what felt like an eternity, you came down from your high, relishing in the feeling of him still pulsing inside of you. It was strange, something you had never experienced before, but the closeness made you sigh contentedly against his lips.

Paz was quiet save for a few grunts, his hands grabbing your hips, keeping you as close as possible.

“I’ve never been knotted before,” you admitted between kisses.

“Really?” Paz asked, his mouth pausing on yours, “How does it feel?”

“It feels kinda nice, alpha,” you whispered, pulling his face closer to yours again.

Paz did not say anything for a moment, his laboured breath loud in the small room. Then his hands cupped your face and you could feel his eyes on you and you wondered if he was able to see you despite the darkness. Probably not, after all, it was his visor that usually enabled him to do so. But he made you feel seen with how his thumbs brushed over the apples of your cheeks, still wet with tear tracks or how his lips softly landed on yours.

“I don’t think I told you yet,” he said against your mouth, “But you are beautiful. To me, you are the – the most stunning omega I have ever seen. When I was down there – when I … I dreamt of what it would be like to see you with my own eyes.”

A flutter started in your chest. An awful flutter of hope that had you thinking of futures beyond the next few days. He could not mean what you thought he meant, right?

“But you helmet –“ you started, trying to rationalize away the hope in your voice.

But Paz had other plans. “I want to court you,” he said, sounding as determined as ever, “Stars, I want to properly court you, love, whatever that entails for your clan but I asked Briggs and –“

“What?”

“I wanted to make sure that I did everything right,” he explained, his hand warm on your back, “So I asked him about any customs I might have to know, that last night before we left and – and for a second there it looked like I would never get to ask you. But I can, love, I can ask you now. Will you let me court you, ‘mega? Will you let me spend the rest of my life with you and Ragnar and all the other foundlings the stars let us have?”

“You – you want children, too?” you asked, feeling like the breath was stolen out of your lungs, “M-more than Rganar, I mean?”

You could feel his smile against your neck, the tip of his nose buried in the valley beneath your ear. “Course I do,” he confirmed, “Ragnar is the biggest gift of my life, I won't say no to that joy again.”

A laugh bubbled up in your chest and you could feel your walls clench around him. Paz moaned, his cock twitching inside you. “Is that a yes, then?” he asked carefully, his hand wandering up to cup the back of your neck. He moved away from you,

“Yes,” you breathed out with the biggest smile on your face, “Yes, Paz.”

The scent that surrounded you made you euphoric and you realized that it had been Paz all along. That sweet scent that made your heart beat faster and a smile appear on your lips? Paz fucking Vizsla.

“Open your eyes, mesh’la,” he asked you quietly, his breath warm on your face, “Look at me, sweetheart.”

And you did. Your eyes blinked open and it took you both an eternity and a second to get your eyes used to the seemingly blinding light of the storage room. But then your eyes met his and you saw Paz Vizsla for the first time.

He had dark eyes, just like you had daydreamed, and his hair looked just as soft as it had always felt. It was matted to his forehead in places and he looked … exhausted, like he had not slept in days. There were bruises on his cheekbones and you could see some dried blood and dirt on his jaw. But all of that was overshadowed by the brightest, biggest grin on his face.

It made the corners of his eyes crinkle and you could not help but smile back, absolutely in awe of the man in front of you. What were you supposed to say the first time you saw the face of the man you had fallen hopelessly in love with?

“You are handsome,” is what you settled on finally, carefully brushing your fingertip over his crooked nose.

He huffed out a laugh, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “Thank you, my love,” he rumbled and your heart skipped a beat at him calling you his. Because you were, truly, whether you had realised it before or not, his.

“I love you,” you blurted out, feeling oddly shy.

“I love you too,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, “There is no version of this life in which I do not love you.”

“You will have to tell me about your scars,” you whispered, your eyes roaming over his face, catching on one that cut through his eyebrow, “Every single one.”

“I will,” he promised, kissing you again, “We have a lifetime for it.”

#maybege writes #paz vizsla x reader #paz vizsla x fem!reader #smut

[dottcre]

i cast spell of overshare. tell us about something you did this week (waves my magic wand at U)

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU 💗 i can literally talk forever so i’ll put it under cut

i went to the aquarium a few days ago (bc as i said i like animals) and the ticket i bought came with entry to this other place called something along the lines of a rainforest exhibit and it was in a mall.. AND THE CREATURES WERE ALL JUST OUT ?!-??/! THE PEACOCK AND PARROTS WERE JUST ROAMING AROUND.. THEY HAD ACTUAL SLOTHS JUST HANGING OUT AND A SUPER COOL GARDEN AND INDOOR WATERFALL AHH AHSJSBS

AND IN THAT SAME MALL THERE WAS LIKE 3 DIFFERENT PET SHOPS WHICH ALL SOLD CATS AND I WAS ARGHSBDJSBS. there were literally baby kittens and they were SO SMALL. i dont think i’ve ever seen an actual baby kitten irl before but those were SO CUTE AHEHEKSNKS………… AND ONE OF IT WAS TRYING TO PAW ME THRU THE GLASS SO HARD AND I WAS SO UEUUEUEE..

#SORRY IM SO #I WAS MELTING OVER THE CATS FOR LIKE TWO DAYS #THERE WAS EVEN A BABY MAINE CAT AND THOSE ARE MY FAVOURITE RAHHHHAHDISNS #thanks for letting me ramble anon i love you #@ letter from a dove #@ from nonnie !

[silverwhittlingknife]

In issue # 110 of Nightwing (1996), why did Dick look irritated (and clench his fist) when Tim told him that Bruce considered adoption (which Tim rejected obvs), especially since Tim's dad was killed (and Dick knows that)?

ANON YOU HAVE ASKED ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE ISSUES OF NIGHTWING OF ALL TIME <333

Very short answer: it's the trauma

So the thing is, this is a heartbreaking issue that requires a lot of footnoting, because the emotional undercurrents are BIG and POWERFUL but the dialogue is deliberately understated?? and Dick and Tim are often not saying what they mean?? or just straight-up lying to each other?? and they're TALKING PAST EACH OTHER because

they both suck at communication

they are not even TRYING to communicate their actual problems - like, if Tim straight-up said, "A bunch of people I love are dead and I keep having nightmares about how it's my fault and I'm guilty and miserable and lonely and avoiding Bruce and I came to your city because I was reeling and I missed you and I didn't know what else to do and now I'm scared you're mad at me," that would crack through Dick's determination to keep his distance because Dick's whole thing here is based on the conviction that Tim is fine, but of course Tim doesn't say any of that, and Dick can't read his mind. And Dick's not quite as determined a liar as Tim so Tim is able to figure out a little more of what's going on with Dick vis-a-vis insecurities, but Tim's still completely missing what a colossal mess Dick is right now, and again: this is because he's not a mind-reader and Dick doesn't tell him! And doesn't want to tell him! And doesn't want him to know! So Tim thinks that Dick's maybe acting this way because he's mad at Tim, and he tries to solve the problem from that angle, even though that's not at all what's going on and actually Dick's miserable and traumatized and mad at himself

I love it so much

So the short-ish answer to your question is, Tim's correctly guessed at some of Dick's insecurities here. Dick's not mad that Tim's in the city, but Tim's right that the adoption was a big deal to Dick, and he's right that Dick's a little threatened by the idea of Tim getting adopted too. (This wouldn't normally be the case! But Dick was kinda uneasy about Tim in the early days when his own relationship to Bruce felt very shaky, and right now Dick's feeling like he's lost Bruce again, and when he's insecure about himself he tends to slide into seeing Tim as a rival - both in vigilante terms and in terms of a connection to Bruce.)

And probably the main reason Dick's so stunned - and a bit angry - here is because Bruce didn't tell him, and although this is very different from Bruce not telling him about adopting Jason... it's still jabbing at those old wounds.

BUT THE LONGER ANSWER is important! Dick loves Tim, a lot!! SO MUCH. He watches Tim sadly from a distance and thinks about how much he loves him in this very comic! So why isn't Dick more enthusiastic about the potential adoption? Why is he skulking around in alleys being miserable and self-destructive and avoiding Tim so determinedly that Tim's convinced he's offended Dick somehow? What's going on???

Well, Dick's life has been imploding.

So to really answer your question, we have to back up a bit and get the context of what's going on with Dick and Tim prior to this comic.

I started writing about this and it got way out of hand, so below please find a guide to my four-part manifesto about Nightwing 110 and what's going on and why I think it's great:

Background: Dick + Tim + Trauma Conga Lines

Background: War Games Aftermath

Nightwing 110

Fix-It Fic Ideas

rambling manifesto is below the cut

Background: Dick + Tim + Trauma Conga Lines

Images: a reporter is shot and killed in front of Dick in N 93; a few days later, Darla is shot and killed in front of Tim in R 129; a blood-covered Dick turns from Blockbuster's body in N 93; a blood-covered Tim stares at his father's body in IC 6

Timeline-wise, we're in The Bad Year for Dick and Tim. Dick's life has been FALLING APART. Blockbuster figured out his secret identity and started murdering his entire supporting cast: Blockbuster hired someone to attack Haly's Circus, blew up Dick's entire apartment building, and shot a reporter in front of Dick. In the climactic confrontation, Catalina Flores killed Blockbuster and raped Dick.

More or less simultaneously in War Games, Tim's life has ALSO been falling apart and his supporting cast has been getting gruesomely murdered. In quick succession, Jack figured out Tim's secret and Tim had to quit, Steph got hired and fired as Robin; Steph accidentally started a gang war; Darla got shot and killed in front of Tim during the gang war; Steph got killed by Black Mask; and Jack Drake got killed by Captain Boomerang.

It's a grimdark time in DC comics.

Background: War Games Aftermath

Dick's slowly recovering in the Manor as Bruce recaps recent events to him (Batman 634)

Now, Dick's actually part of War Games - very briefly. A day or two after Blockbuster's death, Bruce calls Dick for help, and Dick comes to Gotham. Dick and Tim briefly interact but Gotham is in flames, they're both freaking out, and they don't really help each other - Tim tries to tell Dick about Darla, and Dick shuts him down (not realizing Darla is actually Tim's friend); Dick has a panic attack in front of Tim and Tim drags him out of danger but gets snappish instead of worried.

AND THEN, midway through the gang war, Dick gets shot in the leg and ends up in a coma for a while. By the time he's recovered enough to wake up and walk around, Steph's dead, Jack's dead, the funerals are over, and Tim - who's avoiding Bruce - has moved to Blüdhaven.

Here's Dick trying to get answers out of Alfred in Nightwing 99 (Alfred and Bruce aren't telling him anything, either because they can't stand to talk about it or because they're worried about impeding his recovery):

Somewhere around here - presumably whenever he first learns about Jack's death? - Dick calls Tim, who doesn't pick up, in IC 7:

In Nightwing 99, it's implied that Dick leaves the Manor almost as soon as he wakes up, after confronting Bruce:

Dick can't bring himself to confess Blockbuster's death, but obliquely admits his own distress: "…Bruce, I'm lost." Bruce wants to solve things by throwing themselves into The Mission in Gotham: "It's just you and me again, Dick. But there's plenty of work to do." As he talks, Dick grabs his crutches and leaves. He confronts Catalina, arrests her, and tries to turn himself in... but Amy doesn't let him. As he's walking out, angry at Amy and at himself, a prisoner offers him a card.

Meanwhile, in the Batcave, Alfred's stunned to discover that Dick's abandoned his costume:

In Nightwing 107, we learn that Dick has ditched everything and apparently joined the mob - or is he undercover? Dick ultimately comes up with justifications for what he's doing, but a lot of what he's doing is punishing himself and hiding from his life. He's in Detroit for a while, but then has to go back to Blüdhaven, where he sees Tim...

...and now we're caught up with Nightwing 110.

Nightwing 110

I haven't had a chance to see Robin in action since the beginning of the gang wars in Gotham. It seems like just yesterday he was an earnest little computer geek too smart for his own good. He's still too smart for his own good and he can still kick butt with a search engine, but now he's a full-fledged superhero, to boot. Wonder if he knows how good he is? Not just at the fighting, but at keeping the whole thing on his terms. That's really hard to do, and Tim - he's been through so much, and weathered it so well.

Dick's been staying mostly in Detroit rather than Blüdhaven for various reasons, but one very important one is that he's been avoiding Tim.

Dick and Tim's relationship always suffers when Dick's self-worth issues get in the way, and this is probably the most dramatic moment AND IT'S SO SAAAAAD *wails*

From very early on, Dick has had a very high opinion of Tim, and - like Bruce's conviction that "you're better than me, Dick" - this is

very heartwarming and an expression of Dick's faith in Tim

very important to Tim, who tries really hard to impress Dick and (like Dick) hangs a lot of his self-worth on being needed and useful

a source of many sweet moments

but also

a source of problems in their relationship, because Dick's high opinion of Tim and low opinion of himself means he consistently underestimates how important he is to Tim, wonders if Tim would be better off without him, and sometimes thinks that keeping his distance is good for Tim so that Dick doesn't bring him down... and meanwhile Tim interprets Dick's distance as disapproval or hostility

When Dick's down on himself, he'll continually compare himself unfavorably to Tim - Tim questions more, Tim's better with Bruce, Tim's got better computer skills, etc. etc.

And that's what's happening here, when Dick watches Tim fight from a distance:

Dick: Still, Timmy played it through nice and clean. Disarmed the perps, protected and avoided the cops, kept any civilians from being shot... God, I love that kid. Too much to let him see me like this.

This isn't a neutral assessment of Tim's skills. This is Dick castigating himself. The implication is: Tim plays it nice and clean, Tim kept civilians from getting shot... unlike me. Elsewhere in this arc, Dick's been convinced that he's "poison."

He can't bear to see Tim because he's certain he'll only bring Tim down.

... There's a problem with his plan, though. Tim's spotted him.

Narrator voice: they were not okay

I LOVE THIS PANEL SO MUCH

Tim spots Dick before he can sneak away, and chases after him. At first he tries to tease light-heartedly - "Look at you! Back on your feet!" - but when Dick looks away grim-faced, Tim sobers and we get a bit more of his actual worries. (Tim will sometimes fake cheerfulness when under stress - both Babs and his friends comment on this in War Games and in Teen Titans.)

Now they catch up. Tim asks Dick if he's okay. (Dick says he is. He's not.) Where he's staying. ("Some people" are the mobster family.) Dick asks Tim how his step-mom is. (Tim says she's okay. She's not. She's had a breakdown.) How school's going. (Tim says school's okay too. Actually, he's dropped out.)

And now at last we've looped back to the panels at the top! Dick tries to retreat, and Tim - convinced that Dick is mad at him, which is really not the case - tries to figure out if Dick is mad at him for coming to Blüdhaven without permission, or about Bruce's offer of adoption. (Tim's self-worth issues mean that Tim's convinced that Dick is mad at him about something, as opposed to the truth, which is that Dick is spiraling and it has nothing to do with Tim.)

Dick (turning away): We - we shouldn't be talking like this. Tim (fake-cheer, acting as if Dick means "we shouldn't be talking with you in costume and me out-of-costume"): Well, go get your gear! Dick: I can't do that. Tim (more serious now): You're not mad I'm, like, in your city or anything? Dick (shocked): NO! No. I'm honored. You have more of a right to be here than I do. Tim: Is it the adoption thing? Dick: The what? Tim: 'Cause I was a little worried about that. That's kinda part of why I said no. I mean, that and the uncle thing. I was just thinking it wasn't really all that long since he officially adopted you, which was kind of a big deal, emotionally or whatever, and to me you're like totally his son and I don't wanna step on that or anything.

Dick (whirling): What are you talking about, Tim? Bruce is going to adopt you? Tim (hands up): No! I mean, he was. But he's not now. I've got this uncle… So I don't need, you know, anything really… from Bruce, or… You, uh. You didn't know. I'm sorry, I figured he would've talked to you about it or something. Dick (turning away, jumping off the balcony): Yeah, right. Fat chance. Tim: Well anyway, it's not gonna happen, so you don't have to worry about it... right?

Dick's unnerved by the adoption offer mostly because it drives home his distance from Bruce - he didn't know Bruce was offering this, and since Dick's been thinking of himself as Estranged from Everyone Forever, it feels like Tim joining Bruce's family - replacing Dick - instead of Tim joining Dick's family. So he reacts badly - EVEN THOUGH!!! AGAIN!!! DICK LOVES TIM A LOT!!!

So Dick emphasizes the distance he's trying to create: tells Tim that whatever he does is up to him and Bruce, not Dick, because Dick's withdrawing from everything. Actually, Tim should forget that he ever knew Dick:

Dick (pulls his hood up, turns away): Look, Timmy, I'm sorry. I don't care what he does. If he can be of help to you, you should take him up on it. I wish I could offer to help you myself, but I can't. I'm not part of this anymore. This whole thing… I'm out. Tim: Yeah, right… Dick: From now on, it'd be better if you forgot you ever knew me. Tim (echoing what Dick said): ...Fat chance.

Tim's hurt by this, and he's been pretty oblivious about what's going on with Dick, but he's not an idiot, and after a moment of hesitation he correctly figures out from this ramble what Dick's not saying, which is that Dick's feeling like he's worthless to Bruce, that Bruce doesn't value him, that he's lost that relationship. So Tim impulsively tries to reassure him that Bruce does need him... but Dick's in a lousy headspace and it doesn't work:

Dick's walking away. Tim chases after him again. Tim: Hey, uh-! Remember how I once told you that Batman needed a Robin? Well, that's still true, but even more than that, he…he needs you. You know, not like every second or whatever, but at the end of the day, he needs to know you're still on his side. It's…important. Dick kicks over a newspaper stand. Dick (glaring): YOU- ! - you have no idea how much of my life I've wasted believing that was true. Dick pulls up his hood again and walks away.

(Side-note: forever wonderful to me that both Dick and Tim use "need" as a synonym for "love." Issues: they have them.)

Fix-It Fic Ideas

I have spent a lot of time thinking about potential fix-it fics for this comic (TRAGICALLY AFAIK NO ONE HAS WRITTEN ANY, FEEL FREE TO BE THE FIRST). An idea that I offer free to a good home:

A bit after Dick leaves, Tim winds up in trouble and gets injured and Dick has to rescue him (how does Dick find out about it? I dunno)

Tim's injured so naturally Dick's gonna take him back to his home with his stepmom and/or uncle

. . . except the uncle is an actor and not a very convincing one; Tim's entire edifice of lies collapses

Dick realizes that Tim is not actually weathering things well

Dick still thinks that he's poison and terrible and awful and (insert self-hating monologue here) BUT Tim living on his own after his dad is murdered is so bad as far as Dick's concerned that clearly SOME kind of intervention is necessary

Tim insists he does not need an intervention

Dick's sense of responsibility and worry over Tim now force him to carve out time from his major project of hate-myself-and-feel-bad to try to look out for Tim

Dick insists that Tim stay with him until his stepmom is better

They share an apartment for a while

They are both still super-super-super traumatized

???

eventual hugs and healing on both sides

profit

Alternate fix-it:

Tim follows Dick back to the Tevis' house like the little stalker he is, and then introduces himself in disguise as Alvin Draper

Dick's furious and frustrated but can't do much about this without screwing up his own disguise

Tim's determined to figure out what's going on with Dick partly for altruistic reasons and partly because he's also running from his own life, but Dick doesn't figure out the second part until way later

Dick's so frustrated with Tim being here when Dick told him to go - plus wrapped up in wondering what Tim knows, and being paranoid about what he might figure out, and hating being observed - that it takes him a while to start wondering questions like, "wait, shouldn't Tim be in school"

Dick and Tim are pretending not to know each other - or pretending to have a hostile relationship, or something - so any real conversations have to be in snatches in secret

Dick tries to bluff/threaten Tim into leaving (for his own good!!) but it doesn't work

Slow crawl toward mutual awareness of trauma which they're both super-self-conscious about - Dick hears Tim crying at night; Tim hears Dick's nightmares or sees another panic attack

??

At some point it becomes increasingly obvious that they know each other / that their story about their relationship is fake, and when the mobsters confront them, Dick says yeah, he lied, actually Tim's his little brother, and he gives some kind of stylized version of the truth which doubles as an emotional speech to Tim who gets all choked up and hugs him

and it's very touching and emotional because remember Tim HASN'T been adopted so they're NOT brothers and Tim was worried maybe Dick didn't WANT to be brothers but Dick CONSIDERS him a brother so ;_;

??? i don't know what happens next. do they quit the mob? does Dick now explain his mob-infiltration plan to Tim?

meanwhile off-panel Bruce stops Deathstroke from blowing up Blüdhaven, well done Bruce

oh wait or maybe Cass does??

anyway Dick and Tim have hugged so then there's a happy ending

In Conclusion

IN CONCLUSION Dick and Tim should hug more and this comic proves it. Look at them! They both need hugs! They're standing so close to each other! THEY ARE MIRROR IMAGES OF TRAUMA AND BAD COPING MECHANISMS they need each other and they don't know how to say it - they want to help each other and they also don't know how to say it - they don't know how to talk to each other or to anyone else - Dick lashes out and Tim lies and they both isolate themselves and withdraw into depression loneliness even though they could help each other! and would want to help each other! but they won't ask for what they need because they don't think they deserve it and they don't realize how important they are to each other

i just think they're neat. i want to study them like bugs and rattle them around in a jar until all the masks come off and they can actually see each other clearly

#dick grayson #tim drake #dick & tim #long post #i LOVE this comic SO MUCH #the way they echo each other's phrases?? #the miscommunication?? #the tragedy?? #the fact that underneath it all they both still love each other and they're TRYING?? #ask tag #i know a lot of this wasn't really about your question anon but thank you for letting me ramble <33

[sp00kies]

Question If Camp Camp (Once the show gets picked up for season 5 again) hired you as a guest writer, and you got to write like a few episodes max, what would you write about?

CAMP CAMP ASK OMG??? EVERYONE SHUT UP

Anyways

If I were to write some episodes, these would be the ones!

- first and foremost, an episode that dives deeper into Max’s home life. The show itself and the wiki implies that his parents are negligent and that they didn’t really want him around, so maybe having an episode that explores more about it would be good!

For example, seeing as in the show he noticeably shrinks whenever someone raises their voice or a hand, maybe he does this again but this time, people notice and they try investigating.

Another episode I would write would be more jokey, but still

- One, an episode that brings back Neil’s and Harrison’s rivalry. Mind Freakers was so good in terms of exploring their characters and how they view things (magic and science), and it’s too good to leave behind!

The episode could have them seeing “abnormal” things and the rest of it could be them trying to explain why it’s science or magic.

- Two, an episode that explores more on Nerris’ identity. While it’s basically confirmed that she’s non-binary, an episode that has her really finding herself would be sweet and fun!

- And finally, Gwenvid episode. That’s it. That’s literally just the episode. With a side of Neil Squared or Nerrison.

#sp00ks’ screaming #asks #camp camp #thank you anon for letting me ramble frfr 🙏 #I love this silly show sm

[actualbird]

So you know how the MLs have like a designated animal? If you were to assign MC one, what would it be?

A FOX A FOX A FOX A FOX A FOXXXXXX!!!!! this is mostly because i saw this awesome fanart of fox!mc (and cat!marius) by the artist Fuuloong on twt. but the more i thought about it After seeing that art, the more set i was on The Fox for mc cuz it FITS

like.....

the general symbolism of foxes can include cleverness, wit, resourcefulness, independence. all very mc rosa qiangwei traits.

despite the fox's playful connotations/symbolisms, in the Literal Reality sphere, this is Not an animal to be trifled with. it is still an incredibly capable predator animal. which, again, is very mc coded to me. shes a positive, sometimes playful person, but when push comes to shove she is extremely capable and holds her own

foxes are red, mc's jacket is red :D

it's super fitting with BOTH of luke's associated animals. if we're going by luke as a german shepherd, theres the whole Fox and The Hound kinda contrast thats fun (and also uh.... heartbreaking if you think about the disney movie The Fox and The Hound). if we go by luke as a raven, foxes and ravens are BOTH linked to mysteriousness, mischief, and being a Bad Omen. theyre bad omen buddies!!!

so yes!! to me, if theres any animal i'd associate with mc, itd be a fox :D

#thank you anon asks today letting me ramble about animals all day jkHVAKJFHVASHFA I!!! LOVE!!!!! ANIMALS!!!!! #asks #anon

[nancywheeeler]

PLEASE share some of your favourite books!!! of all time And ones that you discovered this year!! (also only just noticed your header… i love those two <3)

omg anon i would love nothing more!

books of all-time: the secret history & the goldfinch by donna tartt, the haunting of hill house & we've always lived in the castle by shirley jackson, the night circus by erin morgenstern, the immortalists by chloe benjamin, lincoln highway by amor towles, say nothing by patrick radden keefe, the collector by john fowles, never let me go by kazuo ishiguro, tell the wolves i'm home by carol rifka brunt, the night tiger by yangsze choo, the shadow of the wind by carlos ruiz zafon, in the woods & the likeness by tana french, and the bell by iris murdoch.

i'm sure there are some i'm forgetting; i'm sorry to those books!

i try to read a broad range of genres & sub-genres, but my soft spots are magical realism, the promise of an ambiguous and bittersweet resolution, family sagas (or a codependent pair of siblings who are all the other has in the world), novels strongly influenced by classic literature, and unconventional murder mysteries.

and this year, i have favorites for all of the above!

magical realism: the house of the spirits by isabelle allende; ashamed i had not read this classic before, but i arrived at the party and i never wanted to leave.

also recommend: the light pirate by lily brooks-dalton

bittersweet: the memory police by yoko ogawa; more like bittersweet from beginning to end, and haunting. so very haunting.

also recommend: we all want impossible things by catherine newman (if you read the blurb, you'll understand why this is bittersweet, but it is also the funniest book i read all year)

family saga: tom lake by ann patchett; my book of the year, a beautiful exploration of mothers and daughters, our town by thornton wilder, first loves, and the summer stock theater scene.

classic influence: the historian by elizabeth kostova; brilliant take on dracula and vampiric folklore.

also recommend: state of wonder by ann patchett (a heart of darkness, but with women in the amazon!); demon copperhead by barbara kingsolver (tbh i felt it follows david copperfield a bit too closely, but her writing! oh her writing!)

unconventional murder mystery: i have some questions for you by rebecca makkai; not too unconventional, but it has some great takes on the true crime industry.

and since those are all fiction, i'll also add, for non-fiction, that i really loved the wager by david grann, the extraordinary life of an ordinary man by paul newman, and the premonition by michael lewis (great for anyone interested in what america's pandemic response was supposed to be, how it was developed, and why it went so wrong in 2020)

alright wow, this got so long—i'm so sorry! i'd love to hear what everyone else's favorite books they read this year are!

#ask #thank you so much for letting me ramble anon! #and god yeah do i love and miss maeve and amiee <3 #book recs

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[misteria247]

Oh btw, the Digital release of Mutant Mayhem is coming out on Sept 1st

*BREAKS OPEN PIGGY BANK IN A DRAMATIC FASHION*

TIME TO SAVE SOME MONEY FOR A DIGITAL COPY OF MY FAVORITE TURTLE SQUAD YES-

#oli talks #ooc #muns ramblings #mindless ramblings of a madman #asks #anonymous asks #ask and you shall receive #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #tmnt #rottmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles mutant mayhem #tmnt mm #tmnt mutant mayhem #ANON I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW ABOUT THIS OHMIGOSH

[emsprovisions]

gus!!

Send me a character

character: GUS GUS GUSSSS!!!! I love him so so so so much he is my PRECIOUS

ship with: Matt hehehehe <3

brotp: Hunter, Willow, Vee, and Luz

general opinions: Where do I begin? Gus is perfect (end of essay 😂). I will admit he wasn't my favorite character from the show until about last October, after TTT aired, but he definitely is now. He's just so damn cool. Like, you have this 12/13 year old hanging out with people 1-3 years older than him and he not only holds his own but he's the coolest fucking 13 year old I've ever seen. He's so so smart and powerful, he's mature, and he is way way more than just the comic relief or whatever stale takes I've seen about Gus online. There's nothing wrong with being funny, and there's nothing wrong with using humor to cope with trauma. He's still a young kid going through puberty, and being stuck in the human realm (when it's been his dream to see the human realm) hits him the hardest out of everyone. But people take that scene and really infantilize him over it. He's a single child with a single dad, which makes him a lot like Luz in a way (and I bet they have some shared traumas they can absolutely bond over with losing a parent), but just because he's dependent on his dad and missing him does not make him a small, weak child. He's a kid, yeah, but he's a damn tough kid, and if you're sad, you can bet your ass he will be the first one to try and make you smile. If WAD doesn't have a gus-centric focus y'all will see me on the news! also only Gus would be able to train matty let's be real here LMAO but I love Gus so much and I think he's very relatable to us former-gifted kids, who always felt pressure to surpass everyone's expectations of our skills in school. He has an incredible support system in place with Willow and Hunter, I love their dynamic so much, he really deserves friends like them and Matt!! Because, while yes I do ship Gus with Matt, I hc that they build up such a strong and solid friendship first, which is how any great relationship should be :) Anyways yeah, Augustus Porter is awesome <3

blog rate: 100000/10

#sorry not sorry that this got long #i love gus #i could talk about him all day #thank you for letting me ramble about gus anon #gus porter #toh #ask game #answered asks

[buildoblivionthenwewilltalk]

For the questions…. 👁👁

Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Oooo thank you!!!

So I’m currently working on a prequel to my ASOIAF R+L=J au Dragon’s Cradle - basically a Ned lives AU where Jon leaves the Night’s Watch before swearing his vows because word gets out about who his real daddy is.

The OG story was just a fun one shot where Ned has a mini crisis seeing his adopted son come back to Westeros after many adventures with some dragons and a queen in tow. This fic is also from Ned’s POV- following what went down at the Night’s Watch when Ned mysteriously arrives at Castle Black after Jaime attacks him and his men outside littlefinger’s brothel.

It’s going … slowly 😅 I wrote the first one just for fun and with the intention not to worry too much about continuity/ canon … but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it 😂 the hardest bit is figuring out what bits of timeline I wanna keep and what I can play about with - I’ve basically been using AGOT and the ASOIAF wiki like a textbook 😂 Keeping track of where we are plot wise while trying not to make it a history lesson is a little frustrating but dammit we persevere 😂😂😂😂

I really love exploring what it means for Ned to live in this scenario - my dude was literally doomed by the narrative, so finding out how this guy (who blindly wandered into Kings Landing with no idea what he was getting in to) understands, justifies and lives with his choices is a good challenge.

I quite like Ned as a character - he’s always led an unlikely life despite appearances and lives constantly in the shadow of his Father, Brother and Sister - let alone his best friend, the literal King. He loves his children - he loves Jon - but there’s a real distance between all of them that means he can be careless and naive (leaving his pups to face the consequences). This fic is a Ned whos only just realising how far his family has spread across Westeros - Jon is the only one he thinks is ‘safe’ from the coming war, and he’ll do whatever he has to to keep him there (even if it means revealing some long kept truths 👀👀👀👀)

I also just love writing little 14 year old Jon - he’s trying so hard to prove himself but he has so much to carry on his shoulders. There’s some good direwolf content and lots of Aemon, Mormont and Sam Tarly (My best boy!!!!!!!!!)

And you can’t beat a good RLJ reveal conversation- I never get tired of reading them and I hope I can put my own spin on a classic Jon Fic trope 😂

#thank you for letting me ramble anon I love you 😭😭💕💕💕 #I’m over half way now and I’ve written the tricky bit #hopefully post … soon 😅 #asoiaf #Jon snow #lovely people #anon #ask #fic #dragons cradle au

[sp00kies]

Tell me, in full detail, what ur hyper fixated on RIGHT NOW.

im talkin, THE LORE. THE CHARACTERS, THE FAVORITE CHARACTER. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! 1! 1! 1! 1! 1! 1! 1! 1! 1!!!!!! 1! 1! 💖

Long post incoming. You have been warned.

I HAVE SO MANY FIXATIONS RIGHT NOW AHHHHHHHH. But y’know? Imma do all of them because I’m built like that 💪

TF2

The fucking LORE AND CHARACTERS MAN. They all have so much character and traits to them…… also the fucking lore is so wild bro.

Abraham Lincoln was the original pyro. Yes, 16TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS THE ORIGINAL PYRO IN TEAM FORTRESS 2. And he invented rocket jumping!

It amazes me how the community has kept it alive for so long. Not to mention that the game released on the 10th of October, a DAY before I was born! I’m the same age as this game and it’s like one of my all time favorites. It’s destiny y’all.

As for favorite character? MEDIC ALL THE WAY

Adventure Time / Fionna and Cake

THIS FUCKING SHOW MAN AAAAAAAAAAA

The story is beautiful, the relationships are realistic and beautiful, the L O R E. A simple mistake made the Lich inevitable in ALL UNIVERSES, MEANING NO ONE IS SAFE FROM HIM. Not to mention that he has his own universe where he successfully wiped out all existence, except for BMO. BUT EVEN THEN BMO ENDED UP DYING ANYWAY.

Simon and Betty’s relationship is devastating but beautiful and the endless love they still share for each other gets me in the feels EVERY TIME.

I’m so excited for season 2 coming out next year. The ability to be normal is OVER.

Favorites are Simon, Betty, Fionna, and Jake. I love them to bits.

HLVRAI

First hyperfixation of 2020 and it came back. This whole series is comedy gold. The characters rub off each other and the memes that came from this. “HELLO GORDON!!!” is permanently infused into my brain.

Plus this and TF2 made me meet one of my long time online friends/online brother so I owe it a great deal. Wayne is a comedic genius, you guys. This series had me pausing the videos because I kept laughing too hard.

No joke, y’all like need to watch it. All acts and parts are on YouTube, watch it now. Do it, no balls. You won’t.

Legit all of the characters are my favorite but Benrey has a special place in my heart.

Five Nights at Freddy’s

I want you to ask my friends about which movie this year I was most hyped for and they will tell you because I literally did not shut up about the FNAF movie.

FNAF has been my longest hyperfixation, ever since it came out. My family will tell you which game I love because I do NOT shut up about this franchise. Hell when the first trailer for the movie dropped, my whole family asked me when I was gonna watch the movie because they knew DAMN WELL that it didn’t matter how it was gonna happen, I was going to watch that movie. And I did on opening day!

FNAF is so important to me, you guys have like no idea….. this franchise has helped me so much, and I fucking LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS OMG!!!!!!

Favorite character of all time is my boy Lefty. I love that bear.

#sp00ks’ screaming #asks #anon thank you for letting me ramble about my fixations #I love these fandoms so much……. #fuck it imma tag them #tf2 #adventure time #fionna and cake #fnaf #hlvrai #long post

[euphraisette]

college au hcs college au hcs !!!

we always talk about les amis studying what they canonically study but what about cosette and eponine !!! (even though i have no knowledge about how college works in america, forgive my british self)

- cosette 100% does something in social sciences like anthropology but then has a dual degree with something that seems random like classics or art history but it makes sense for her despite everyone thinking its cliche that the new money girl that came from a very poor background but elevated socially with her dad majors in anthropology especially since she’s dating marius and ep’ and everyone’s like « oh yeah she’s dating pontmercy of course she’s into social studies » but it goes so much further than wanting to right the wrongs of society !! she wants to understand why people are the way they are and how povs clashes between metaphysical and physical experiences and she loves debating and getting everyone’s opinion and every point of view she can on every event which is why she loves history as well because everything is factual and it allows her to be grounded in something and to have the stability she needs. also she has a greek mythology and ancient politics hyperfixation so it was just the obvious study path for her

- eponine on the other hand is a woman in STEM ill always be an engineering ‘ponine truther !!!! she either does mechanical or electrical engineering because she likes building things and feeling useful and she always pitches the best ideas in her group projects and assignments!! she gets internships so fast and every factory wants to hire her for their internship she’s literally THE woman in STEM !!

Okay I am OBSESSED with these thank you for sharing anon <33333

Cosette has ALWAYS been a dual major in my heart, I've always felt she would go into law or something adjacent after Valjean told her the story of her mother right as she's deciding to leave home to go to college, and from that point on she's determined to become a public defender of sorts to make sure people get help the way Fantine wasn't able to, but she also loves history (i'm obsessed with the greek mythology thing wow) and decides to make that her other major in that and hopes to someday retire from being a lawyer and work in a museum. her minor is either dance or theatre because she's been taking ballet since she was a kid and she's really good, realistically she could go join a company or something but she wants to LEARN (plus in my head all of the Amis are doing SOMETHING in the arts, even just recreationally, and that how they mostly all met)

I LOVE Ep as a kickass STEM lady yessssss I love it. Personally I'm leaning towards her getting into like cyber security or something, since (because of her parents) she knows how people hack and steal money really well, and she even though she doesn't really have the money or a formal education background the school just lets her in once they see how proficient she is and they try to keep plausible deniability by not asking too many questions a la frank abagnale jr. She really likes what she does and likes feeling like she overcame her shitty background to do something really useful in stopping criminals from hurting people, but mostly she's in it for the money. she wants to buy a big ass house for her and gavroche to live in and a few guest rooms for everybody, with more than enough fine clothing and furniture and food whenever they need it, never having to worry about going without and doing it all on the up-and-up. That's really Ep's biggest dream, is to be successful and provide for herself and gavroche without having to resort to crime the way her folks did when she was young, as a way to prove to herself that she's better than them (everybody already knows she is)

#thank you for sending this and letting me ramble about my hcs anon i love you #hcs

[sysig]

Okay but that dating sim gif is SO GOOD. Like, WHAT??? It looks like something out of a real life professional game, and now I want to play it, lol. It's very very cool and well done, I loved all the details! The expressiveness and the transitions, the sudden change in Edgar's eyes and the lighting around him!! He even blinks, like??? Truly, animation goals. You're such an inspiration to me! It blows me away that you did that in such a short timeframe!

Haha, thank you very much! ♥ I also really want to play a Vargas dating sim, every time I chip at the concept I get a new smattering of ideas hehe ♪

You got me anon, that’s what I’m able to do in the sweet spot between “Just enough time to get the framework of what I have in my head” and “Not enough time to overthink the details” - it’s a system that works pretty well for me :D

The time crunch gives me that little burst of energy to get what I’m able to see in my mind onto page and canvas, while also still missing a few of the things I’d want to come back and get right next time - I’m sure you noticed the barren bookshelves and maybe the lack of door frame lol, but those are important signifiers for growth! Maybe next time, I’m able to draw a bit faster, or remember more details, and I’ll have noticeably improved ✨ That’s my goal anyway haha

If I’d had just a liiiiiittle more time, I definitely would’ve made an homage to Zarla’s Ghosts’ blink animation. Two frame blinks are all well and good, but that bounce brings me so much joy ♫

#Requestober #Vargas #anonymous #It does make me happy to hear you enjoyed it so much ♪ I'm quite proud of it too! Don't let me little comments convince you otherwise! #I just know where I'd like to next improve >:3c Which is also an important step! #I feel like I'm preaching here but fjslkajfd art improvement is important ot me lol - it's great to fail upward #Even though I was under time pressure so I wasn't Fully able to get what was in my head out I got Most of it out #And because I was able to get Most of it I can now come back and improve on the bones any time :D #If I was able to spend more time on it ♪ I really do think I could make something Really cool >:3c #Actually you wanna know a fun fact about the blinks? Lol #They were a spur of the moment decision - originally his closed eyes were only meant to be for that final expression #But then I was like ''Hmmm. I bet I could animate on twos for a couple simple blinks. I bet it would add a lot'' and I think it did :D #Literally just copied his closed eyes onto a separate layer it looks super janky in my files ✨ #There's like a marquee in the back of my head going ''If it was in an actual game program I could make a loop that would seamlessly tran-'' #Lol I really love the back end of game design I think it's super interesting even if I'm still very green to it ♥ #Anyway anyway anyway #Thank you again anon <3 It is very appreciated ^^ And thanks for giving me an excuse to ramble about it lol ♪

[theydoctor]

I love your Richy Guitar gifs~ It's kind of weird seeing Farin so mopey but he's just so pretty, I could look at him for hours <3 Thank you for your hard work in the gif mines and have a nice day~

OMG THANK YOU THIS IS LIKE THE SWEETEST THING EVER 🥺

YOU HAVE JUST COMPLETELY MADE MY DAY ILY AAAHH <3333

#please who are you i swear i'll tag you in the upcoming gifsets omg thank you so so so much!!! #this is just so sweet i'm gonna cry #also until thursday there's gonna be one gifset of this movie at 15:30 every day! #15:30 CET btw #gosh i need to screenshot this ask print it out and hang it over my bed #so i can look at it every day #please anon this is the best thing ever #you have my undying love and loyalty now <3 #if you have any gif requests please let me know!! i'll do them for you as soon as possible i promise!! #charlie rambles

[catfishofoldin99colours]

You wanted an excuse to rant about charcoal in food, Here it is

MWAH ANON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3

(slight warning; lots of talk of eating, food, nutrition and slight mention of diet culture, from a biological scientist perspective and not a dietician perspective)

ok so. the primary function of charcoal when eaten is that it absorbs lots of chemicals. i can't remember exactly what the list is or how it works cos I'm not a chemist but generally, charcoal absorbs lots of stuff that is toxic to animals like parrots, chimpanzees and humans. this also includes stuff like medication so you shouldn't eat charcoal, activated or not, if you're on any medication or have even taken painkillers, cos the charcoal will just absorb it and render it useless.

now this aspect of charcoal does indeed have a function in biological organisms, namely the 'absorbing toxins' part, it's not just a diet fad that's cropped up in the last however many years.

bear with me as we detour to animals that only eat plant matter, herbivores. plants are the primary source of food for most food webs in nature, and we literally would not be anywhere without them. however, they are not very nutritious or filling, so anything that exists entirely off a plant diet has to eat LOTS of them to get the nutrients they need to survive and exist.

(this isn't to say vegetables AREN'T nutritious, they ARE, you should definitely eat your veggies, they just don't contain things like lots of iron or protein which is in animal products)

this is why farming is so environmentally destroying, because it takes a huge amount of space to grow all the grass needed for all the animals you have (namely cows and sheep pigs and chickens, though you can feed chickens and pigs scraps and other things including meat, but not if they're gonna be turned into pork chops or chicken dinner themselves which is another topic I wanna yell about sometime, it's really funky). this is also why lots of herbivorous animals have multiple stomachs, because they need to extract AS MUCH NUTRITION AS POSSIBLE from what plants they do eat, and having multiple or chambered stomachs helps do that.

anyway. plants are hugely versatile as a diet because there's so many of them and they're literally all over the world, but given they don't actually have a ton of nutrition in them, you sometimes have to make weird leaps to get what you need out of a plant-based diet.

one of these leaps is eating toxic plants. animals like chimpanzees and parrots eat plants with toxins in them, because those plants also contain the nutrients they need to survive and live. however, because they can't eat the plants without getting poisoned, they need to get the toxins out.

cue eating charcoal! or sometimes, clay. eating charcoal in small bits absorbs the toxins in the poisonous plants without losing the nutrients they do get out of them! boom, everyone's happy and healthy and alive :D

now humans, on the other hand, are not herbivorous, we are omnivorous. say what you want about vegetarians and vegans, we evolved as a species to live off multiple sources of food, several of them being animal products like meat, eggs, dairy, etc. the important thing about eating animal products is that because they came from living organisms that were huge collections of stuff they'd already eaten, they have a LOT of nutrients that you will not get from eating plants!

one specific reason for this is that every protein in our body that we need to have to survive is made up of some assortment of at least 22 different amino acids. some proteins use lots of amino acids, some only use a few, but our body can only produce 20 of them by itself; we don't have all 22, and we need to get the remaining ones from stuff we eat. this is why a plant-based diet is difficult to manage if you're an omnivore, because you are literally depriving yourself of things you need to LIVE. (also I'm not sure if its still 22 amino acids or if the number has changed but that's what I learnt, please correct me if I'm wrong!)

this is why vegetarians and vegans need to be careful of their iron and protein levels and find supplements if they intend on doing these diets. you can avoid meat and animal products if you really want, but your body evolved to survive off meat and eggs and cheese and things like it, so you need to try and manage that artificially if you're not going to eat the things that have those in them.

now whats important to know is that while animal products have tons of nutrients in them, herbivores are literally not built to digest them. if you feed a horse meat it will literally die because it can't digest it and it will probably rot in its stomach (and horses can't throw up so it can't even get it out of its body). therefore, herbivores HAVE to resort to wacky methods like eating toxic plants to get the nutrients they need to survive.

humans have no such caveat. we evolved to eat meat, we can get the nutrients we need from meat, we can survive on a very varied diet that includes plants AND meat, and we never ever need to resort to eating toxic plants for survival because anything helpful in toxic plants is already in stuff like meat and eggs and cheese and dairy!!

let me emphasize that again: WE DON'T NEED TO EAT TOXIC PLANTS BECAUSE THERE IS NO NEED OR BENEFIT WHEN WE CAN GET WHAT THEY COULD POTENTIALLY PROVIDE FROM MEAT AND OTHER ANIMAL PRODUCTS.

if you can see where im going with this, congrats, gold star, I love you. if you can't, hold tight while I keep yelling and also gold star for reading this far, I love you too.

charcoal absorbs toxins. animals that NEED to eat charcoal eat it because they can only live off toxic plants, because they can't digest meat to get the nutrients they need to survive. ingesting toxins is paramount to their survival and they had to find a way to manage it to survive that way.

humans do not need to ingest toxic plants, because any nutrients they have are found in meat and we could not possibly need to resort to eating toxic plants as a species to survive.

THEREFORE

the claim that eating charcoal 'rids your body of toxins from your diet' is bogus, stupid, lazy, dangerous and just flat out misinformation made by diet companies to sell you products that don't work, will never work and are literally fucking useless to you, BECAUSE WE DON'T EAT ANYTHING THAT IS ACTUALLY FUCKING TOXIC.

if you eat regular human food - yes, that includes processed and deep-fried shit, food with msg, sugars, carbs, literally anything that humans across the globe have eaten for years and not horrifically died from - YOU ARE NOT INGESTING TOXINS.

preservative chemicals? sure! artificial flavouring? yep! lots of excess sugars? absolutely! microplastics? it's possible!

but unless you are actually going out and eating hollyhock, cigarettes, plastic itself or molten rock, you are not eating anything that would kill you. there are no toxins in your diet of store-bought biscuits, there are no toxins in that Chinese takeout, there are no toxins in that can of soup that's good to sit on the shelf for four years. there are no toxins in regular human food, because your body evolved to draw nutrients from plants, meat, eggs, nuts, fruit, cheese, fish, vegetables and so many other things, so you never ever had to eat toxic plants like our distant animal cousins.

charcoal products like idk yoghurt or ice cream or coffee or milk are largely harmless, sure (unless you're on medication, then it will just negate the medication completely and fuck you up that way) but they're socially a money-grabbing lie that profits off of harmful weight loss and diet culture and plays into the ideas of 'bad' foods, which is what contributes to eating disorders and self-esteem issues.

i'm not saying you can't eat charcoal stuff. if you want to eat charcoal stuff or put it in your food for fun, sure, go ahead, its kinda kooky and fun and admittedly not harmful unless you're on medication; just be careful with it and you'll be fine.

im saying that the idea that you NEED to cleanse your body of harmful toxins is stupid and unsound and literally based on nothing. your body already cleans itself of harmful things - your kidneys filter your blood all the time and take anything that's not helpful out, and your liver literally takes alcohol out of your blood for you. your body is built fine the way it is, and your diet is fine the way it is. you don't need to ''''cleanse'''' yourself of anything, and anyone trying to tell you that is trying to sell you something at the cost of your self-worth.

(this got very long i apologise but I am very passionate about it hjgfkdls;a hope it all makes sense!)

#biology #science #this was so fun i loved doing this thank you anon for letting me ramble

[kiwiorcore]

tomii hi!! hope you're good and i just wanted to know what you thought about the whole hamilton to ferrari thing? i still don't know much about f1 but even i felt like this was really important 😭 and i love reading anything you say too lol so it's better from you than anyone else 🫶🏽🫶🏽 also unrelated but please talk about tennant's macbeth i'll send another ask if i have to, i'm so curious!! love you and i hope you're doing well!!

hii! sorry for the late response

honestly i don’t think the reality of lewis moving to ferrari has well and truly set in. it’s just a bit confusing for me why he’s doing it cause merc doesn’t stink that badly and ferrari isn’t that good either. i don’t have anything insightful to say it’s just kinda like ‘wait is this seriously happening?’

spoilers for david tennant’s macbeth under the cut i guess??? can you really spoil macbeth?

so my drama teacher chose this production for out live performance review and oh my god was it good. like where do i even start

the staging was so good i loved it so much. i liked the like glass enclosure they had behind the stage. it was such an interesting staging decision. the lighting as well was sooo good. it’s such a joy to analyse. the live music they had added so much to the production it would have not been the same without it

someday i wish to be like max webster because only he could’ve come up with the idea to use binaural sound for the whole production. the witches at the beginning??? i jumped i loved them so much

david tennant was so good for the role of macbeth. he’s got a very insane look about him and he plays macbeth really well

on the topic of macbeth, cush jumbo played lady macbeth so well. i loved lady macbeth in this actually. everything about her made her feel like and outsider from her northern accent when the others had scottish accents and the fact she was the only one wearing white. just ugh i love it

malcolm and macduff had bigger roles in this production than others. i wish ross did as well because i love moyo akande but oh well. the time she was on she was really good she’s literally my idol

the actors playing malcolm and macduff must have had bills due during the scene ross comes and tells macduff his wife and kids are dead because that was the make gut wrenching thing i’ve ever watched. noof ousellam (macduff) portrayed macduff’s emotions so well and ros watt (malcolm) really convincingly made himself seem as if he was on the brink of tears

speaking of ros watt, omg ros watt. i loved everything about him. his physicality during the 2nd prophecy, his pleading with macduff, god everything was perfect. ros watt was perfect to play malcolm especially considering he’s smaller than the rest of the cast. just delicious. he’s got those big sad eyes that i love

noof ousellam as well. big massive sad eyes like that’s baby girl (he’s over six feet tall). when he was all up in malcolm’s face shouting, dear god i loved it. my little pea brain starting whirring. something about their height difference does it for me.

this is getting long so let me finish quickly. lady macduff, her screams were fucking bone chilling. the porter was so funny. his actor does really well in comedies. banquo was so fit omg. the child actor they had playing like all the children (and he died so many times poor kid) was surprisingly good as well

i desperately want to write about this version of macbeth/the cast (the guy playing donalbain has a podcast called putting it together and his interviews with the other cast members are really good) but i fear no one actually gives a shit

#sorry for the extended yap #you can really tell i loved ros watt and noof ousellam #i really want to write about them but like no one gives a fuck sooooo #when the recording comes out prepare to be fucking sick of meee #anyway the lewis to ferrari news hasn’t set in and i fear it won’t set in until i see him in a ferrari racing suit #do i tag this f1 tomfoolery? #thank you anon for letting me ramble i love you too #fic material #lowkey #i need an arsenal acting au stat #tomi.txt #🫶🏽 anon #anon asks