#survivor's handbook

[dmtreasury]

Survivor's Handbook (Preview) Ruleset Expansion by Saga of New World

#saga of a new world #source linked #linked to source #survivor's handbook #ruleset #rules #expansion #expanded #settlement #system #lore #world building #player character #player characters #frontier #downtime

[the15thscholar]

Why am I up at 3 you ask? Great question. I just spent the last 5 hours writing a completely new post-apocalyptic boy scout ttrpg with a slapdash system I threw together that’s an unholy mashup between PBtA, Kids on Bikes, and Roll for shoes. It’s called Pioneer Ranger Handbook: Survivor’s Edition

I can make more posts about it if y’all are interested

#indie ttrpgs #ttrpg design #tabletop roleplaying #dungeons and dragons #powered by the apocalypse #boy scouts #Lead Pool system #Pioneer Ranger Handbook: Survivors Edition 2037

[eleftherian]

I do love lis, I swear, but if I have to deal with them teaching us to be ableist one more frickin time ima lose it

#grad school tag #my posts #library science #mslis #mlis #they’re teaching us about trauma informed approaches which like cool bet important stuff for librarians #but!!! #they’re telling us to use person first language #and in the pla handbook they gave us it literally has a trauma questionnaire where it asks (no shit) #if your mother was physically or sexually abused #but doesn’t say shit about the possibility of your father being abused #like hmmm #cis men can be abuse survivors too bestie!!! #cis women can be abusers!!! #jesus fucking christ

[sourholland]

WELCOME TO THE STYLE MASTERLIST

series based off of taylor swift’s song style

Summary → He’s the Quarterback of the Cincinnati Bengals, a worldwide heartthrob with an ego the size of Lake Erie—but does he have the heart to match it? You’re the Bengals newest cheerleader, desperate to prove how much you deserve your spot on the team. It doesn’t take much to catch the eye of Joe Burrow, however that isn’t necessarily a good thing when you’re told that any romantic relations between cheerleaders and players is strictly prohibited.

AN → Honestly this idea came to me pretty suddenly, it wasn’t very premeditated. I’m not sure anyone will be interested in reading it, this is me kinda testing the waters. I’m just going through a crazy sad breakup so I’m kinda just trying to get back into the things I love to do, writing being one of them. Also, I kinda just want to get my mind off stuff and who doesn’t love Joe Burrow haha. As always, let me know to be added to the tag list :)

Pairing(s) → Joe Burrow x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Strong Language, Alcohol Use, Mature Themes/NSFW Themes, Angst, Injury, Forbidden Love, More to Come

PLAYLIST

PART ONE - No Headlights

PART TWO - Good Girl

PART THREE - James Dean

PART FOUR - His Wild Eyes

PART FIVE - Taking Off His Coat

Teaser →

After a rigorous auditioning process with over a thousand girls trying to earn their spot on the Bengal’s Cheerleading Squad, only forty made the cut. Most returners, some new like yourself. You’d watched girls break bones, continuing to audition on them to have a shot on the squad. Many left in tears, cut and sent home with hardly any reason why.

There was a little bit of metaphorical survivor’s guilt after you’d made the team, knowing this wasn’t your dream like it was for some others. This was only a season or two commitment for you while you finished up your last year of college. Then you’d become a teacher, something you’d had a passion for over the years. Cheerleading was more so a hobby, you’d danced all of your life and had cheered in high school. This wasn’t going to be your livelihood, nor did it offer you the funds to live off of for more than a short while.

There were plenty of rules to follow, many of which had you questioning if this was truly what you wanted. The handbook they’d given you was thick, although some of the girls had told you that they’d lessened up on the requirements over the years after a lawsuit had been filed. In the end, it wasn’t so bad. Tedious, but still a very surreal experience.

From about April to the middle of July, it was practice twice a week from 7:30 at night to about 11. There was a separate facility used to work and condition through the colder months, just following the Super Bowl. Once pre-season truly began, the whole team moved practice facilities. This put you in the same place as the Bengals practiced, giving you more field time than gym time to get acclimated. It was different, especially due to the fact that players and cheerleaders were placed at an arms length most of the time.

The afternoon of the first practice at the new stadium, you’d all been given the talk. This was basically your coaches and executives way of saying that if anyone found out that anyone off the squad had anything more than a friendly, professional relationship with one of the players—they’d be either cut or sanctioned. It was bad for the image of the team, making it bad for those in charge.

It shouldn’t have been a problem.

That first night practice in August was tough, you were coming off of a sprained ankle and the heat was blistering even at 8 at night. Amanda, your head coach, sent you inside to grab some ice from the athletic trainer to bring back out to the field. There was a stigma around the coaching and treatment of NFL cheerleaders, but you’d mostly had a decent experience so far. Your coaches did care that you were healthy and equipped to cheer.

Adorned in a slightly baggy Bengals T-shirt and spandex, you walked through the empty halls of the mostly deserted facility. The players had just ended their practice about an hour earlier, you watched them all exit into the locker room. That meant that mostly everyone had called it a night, heading home. The cheerleaders stayed late because practice was meant to be after work or class, it wasn’t a full-time job.

The door to the athletic trainers office was slightly ajar, the light on. Pushing it open slightly, you stepped in with furrowed eyebrows and a curious look. On the large medical table, ice in hand, sat Joe Borrow still in his practice jersey and shorts. The office was empty besides him, trainer nowhere to be seen.

He was a good looking guy, you’d give him that. Maybe it was the fact that he was 6’4 or maybe it was the fact that he was really fucking good at his sport. He looked up at you and gave a friendly grin, laying the ice on his knee.

“Emily said she was heading home about a half hour ago, her kid was sick or something so she had to pick him up from the babysitter,” Joe told you politely. “I came in just as she was like walking out, she just told me to lock up the office when I was done.”

Someone was clearly a rambler.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I was just going to grab some ice.”

He nodded and went silent while you walked over to the ice maker, taking the plastic scooper and putting some of it into a plastic bag. He was still looking at you, making it obvious as you saw him from your peripheral. Twisting the bag, you felt slightly awkward just standing there in silence.

“I’m Joe,” he spoke again.

“Y/N,” you turned back towards him. “It’s nice to meet you.”

He extended a hand towards you, smiling as you took it and shook it softly. When you broke from his grip, he remained looking at you. He was definitely one of those people who looked you right in the eyes through the entire conversation. You didn’t know if this made you particularly uncomfortable or slightly excited.

“You’re a cheerleader.”

“Was that a question?” You chuckled, “I think that’s pretty obvious.”

“No, no. I was kind of just thinking out loud.”

He was easily flustered, that much was obvious. He repositioned the bag of ice and looked back up at you with slightly pink cheeks. This made you want to crack a grin, feeling like you were talking to a boy for the first time ever or something.

“I should head back to practice,” you told him, watching him slowly nod in understanding.

“Yeah, of course,” Joe smiled. “It was nice meeting you, Y/N.”

Let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list :)

#joe burrow smut #joe burrow imagines #joe burrow imagine #joe burrow #joe burrow x reader #joe burrow x yn #joe burrow series #joe sheisty #joe burrow blurb #joe burrow fluff #joe burrow fan fic #joe burrow fic

[theresattrpgforthat]

hello! I've played the fallout ttrpg (the one they had to pull the rights from when it was pretty much done so they called it Exodus instead), I wish it didn't suck so bad! Is there any system I could borrow that would fit with Fallout's setting? I love the world in itself, but Exodus was rushed and published half-baked

THEME: Fallout

Hello friend, I have quite a few games for you to check out today! Some of them are direct homages, while others simply just have elements that might remind you of the video game.

Rebels of the Outlaw Wastes, by Nerdy Pup Games.

Play misfit outlaws fighting against the authoritarian Powers That Be in a hyper-saturated, film-grained, retro dystopia. Save the future with the power of friendship, whoopass, and explosions! Features sticker-based character advancement, effortless cinematic vehicle action, and player-driven Ride-or-Die system usings d4s, d6s, d8s, d10s, and d12s.

This game is a bit more colourful and punk-rock, and a little less morally grey than some of the more popular Fallout games. The designer cites some pretty colourful inspirations, such as FLCL and Six-String Samurai, but also concedes that you can make the tone fit that of Borderlands, Fallout, and Mad Max. It depends on how you build your world - what tech was there before? What kinds of weirdness persists? What beliefs have survived?

You’ll make skill rolls that can be boosted by gear or your personal style, with anything above a 4 granting you a success, with bonuses for rolling even higher at an 8 or a 12. Badges are the representations of character growth, tied to the skills that you choose to improve, somewhat like how concentrating on certain skills in Fallout gives you access to perks. If you want a stripped-down basic idea of the rules for this game, the designer has a Pay-what-you-want playtest that you can download for free, just to dip your toes in the water.

Earth: After Death, by Hammer City Games.

Boasting deep and crunchy mechanics reminiscent of the golden age of 90s TTRPGs, Earth, After Death focuses on OSR-style gaming, dungeon and hex crawling, fast-paced combat, high lethality, and a unique and fascinating setting to explore.

There’s plenty to do: kill mutants, explore ancient ruins, get lethal radiation poisoning, find a gun that has infinite ammunition, use psionic powers to blow up peoples heads, replace your legs with tank treads, and more!

This is a chunky, old-school style game that takes care to mention that your level-up system is just like the advancement system in Fallout games. You’ll be dealing with mutations, ghost machines, bartering for gear, and hex-crawling through dangerous wastelands. The character sheets point to a lot of moving pieces, so if you like wrangling together a character that does exactly what you want them to do, you’re going to have a lot to play with here. It looks like mutation is also a pretty big deal in this game, with over 100 different kinds advertised on the game’s store page.

Right now just the Wasteland’s Handbook is available to purchase, but the kickstarter for this game will be taking off later this year. If this sounds like your kind of game, then maybe hop over to the website to get in on the first full edition as it releases!

Fallout: The Roleplaying Game, by Modiphius.

In 2077, the storm of nuclear war reduced most of the planet to cinders. From the ashes of nuclear devastation, a new civilization will struggle to arise. A civilization you will shape. How will you re-shape the world? Will you join with a plucky band of survivors to fight off all-comers and carve out your own settlement? Will you team up with pre-existing factions like the Brotherhood of Steel or Super Mutants to enforce your own ideals on the Wasteland? Ghoul or robot, paladin or raider, it’s your choice - and the consequences are yours. Welcome to the Wasteland. Welcome to the world of Fallout.

Utilizing Modiphius’ celebrated 2d20 cinematic role-playing system, the Fallout RPG will take players on an exciting journey into the post-apocalypse! Create your own survivors, super mutants, ghouls, and even Mister Handy robots. Immerse yourselves in the iconic post-nuclear apocalyptic world of Fallout, while gamemasters guide their group through unique stories and encounters. The 2d20 edition of Fallout is as close to the bottlecap bartering, wasteland wandering, Brotherhood battling excitement as you can get.

Modiphius gets the license to make a lot of games for different properties, so a Fallout game fits in alongside other big titles like Dune, John Carter of Mars, and Alien. This company uses their own 2d20 system, with a focus on inventory and Perks in an effort to make the game recognizable to any typical Fallout fan.

That being said, the game has come under fire for being poorly edited and inconsistent when it comes to finding the right rule. The company updated the game last year and released a Settler’s Guide book, so this might be something that’s a bit more read-able now. But if you want something set directly in the Fallout universe, this is your game.

WASTELAND, by MaelikGames.

WASTELAND is a simple tabletop RPG about adventurers in the world that has only recently became hospitable after a War that might not end all wars, but almost ended the world. You and your friends decide whether this world is bleak and hopeless, like the one in Metro, or somewhat whimsical, as in Fallout. 

Much of the inspiration from Fallout appears in the character options of this game. Arkanites are homages to Vault-Dwellers, Radkin are inspired by Ghouls, and robots are, well, robots. The talents also look like they are directly inspired by Fallout perks, such as Animal Friend, which allows you to turn hostile animals into allies. Gear and inventory are both very important in this game, which is something that I never find surprising in post-apocalyptic games, since having to track inventory feels like a pretty important thing in a game about scarcity. Your skills are also based on a percentage of success, because you’re rolling a d100, with the goal of rolling under your target number. If you’re looking for a game that can mechanically reflect much of what’s available in the Fallout video games, this might be for you!

Dystopia Rising: Evolution, by Onyx Path.

No one knows how long it’s been since the world was blasted with nuclear radiation and became infested with the undead. The survivors of the Fall were the first strain of deviation of the human condition and were able to make it through the rapidly spreading epidemic. Finding a community of decent size in this world is rare; finding one that has any concept of equality or morality is rarer still.

Oh, and people have the unnerving ability to come back from the dead, regrown from the very virus that destroyed the world.

This is a completely different world from Fallout and yet I think it might still be worth talking about in this rec post. Dystopia Rising has a rich, detailed world, with various factions and faiths, and your characters are differentiated by the Strains that have helped them survive. There are plenty of conflicting beliefs that can be the seeds for unlimited conflict, including various faiths in things like evolution or the preservation of humanity, strains that give you psychic powers, and a universal ability to come back to the dead so many times before you’re turned into a mindless zombie.

There’s plenty of opportunity to fight things hand-to-hand, but there’s just as many possibilities to politic your way out of tough scenarios, which is a hallmark of Fallout New Vegas. Not only that, there's no clear "good guys": this is a complicated world with complicated people. If you want a game that carries a lot of similar themes of Fallout but puts you in a new setting, maybe check out this game.

Games I’ve Recommended in the Past

Extinction Punk, by Extinction Punk.

Wastoid, by Jason Tocci.

#tabletop games #indie ttrpgs #game recommendations #dnd #asks #fallout #post-apocalyptic #bittersweet futures

[writersblockedx]

𝙎𝙪𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

Hi, Welcome to my supernatural masterlist! As this is the fandom I seem to have written the most for, it’s taken up around half of my main masterlist, so I thought it’d be easier to have a whole separate one where you can find every fic related to supernatural.

★ - Angst ☆ - Fluff ☆ﾐ - Series

Dean Winchester

★ Careful What You Wish For Dean’s been pining for his best friend for years now. Though, it isn’t until he breaks out from the Jinn’s dream world (in which she took the role of his girlfriend), that he comes clean.

★ Survivors Guilt When Dean returns back to the land of the living, he seeks out to locate his girlfriend. He finds her sitting alone at a bar; it’s obvious this time without him has changed her.

★ When Evil isn’t so Bad Dean was brought up to believe demons were nothing but the enemy, a monster to be slain. But when the Winchester Brothers find Y/n, a demon whose not so bad, his opinion begins to sway.

☆  Remedies for Insomniacs Y/n is notorious for getting herself hurt. So when she can’t sleep, Dean fixes up everything he can to ease her insomnia.

★The Soulmate Situation It’s written in every hunter handbook that to stay clear of ones soulmate; a rule of which Dean has lived by all his life. After Y/n fixes up Dean’s wounds, it becomes clear she’s more than just his nurse. The boy does everything he can to push her away.

☆ﾐ  The Side Effects of Curses While hunting a witch, Y/n gets a rather harmful curse placed on her. Slowly, the people around her begin to forget her existence - Dean is the last, and only, person who remembers, stopping at nothing to lift the curse. Part two When Y/n bumps into her forgotten friends on a hunt, they team up together, unaware of how they once knew her. Dean gets a hunch something is up and doesn’t stop until he figures out what exactly.

★ Lawless Y/n is assigned the impossible case of catching the Winchester brothers. When she finally gets her hands on them, a threat of which only they can solve hits. Y/n has no choice but to turn to them for help.

★ If It was a preference You had your own history with the Winchester brothers, in particular, Dean. So when the two bumped into you, accompanied by a new hunter partner, jealousy can’t help but grow.

★ That Grey Area When Sam and Dean discover that their fellow friend and hunter is in fact getting involved in witchcraft, they can’t help but take matters into their own hands.

☆ The Exception Y/n and Dean have been silently pining for one another since they first met. Though, things suddenly start to come out when the two venture on a hunt on their own.

☆ Bad Dreams When the mark begins to conjure vicious nightmares for Dean, it’s only a matter of time before his best friend finds out.

★  Places We Shouldn’t Go When Y/n suffers a panic attack at a crowded bar, the brothers do all they can to help calm her.

☆ Unwind After a long hunt, both of the brothers are tired and in need of Y/n’s comfort.

Sam Winchester

☆ Coffee Stains and Stolen Jackets Sam is utterly infatuated with a girl in his weekly lecture. When she comes in one day, wearing a coffee stained shirt, he offers her his jacket; it just so happens to be the start of something.

★ Places We Shouldn’t Go When Y/n suffers a panic attack at a crowded bar, the brothers do all they can to help calm her.

☆ Unwind After a long hunt, both of the brothers are tired and in need of Y/n’s comfort.

Casitel Novak

★ Healing Wounds Y/n usually sits behind the front lines, doing all she can to research the monsters that the brothers slaughter. When the girl finds herself shoved into the frontlines, Cass worries it may go south. When it does, he struggles to keep his feelings to himself.

--

If you’d like to get tagged in any future supernatural fics click here! Other than that, happy reading!

#superntaural #supernatural fanfic #supernatural x reader #dean winchester x reader #sam winchester x reader #castiel x reader #imagine #fanfic #masterlist

[love-me-love-my-weirdness]

The difference with the disorders of ASPD, psychopathy and NPD versus the 150-something other disorders in the DSM is that they function completely differently because they are PERSONALITY disorders and not regular disorders.

Personality disorders cause dysfunction with opinions, feelings, observations, empathy, perceptions and relationships. The way they see every event, instance, and conversation is coming from a distorted perception. They can be aware of this distorted perception but one of the main symptoms of these disorders is a lack of self-awareness and always believing one is right and never wrong, which is very common with cluster b disorders. Self-awareness is also a spectrum, not black and white as many people get wrong. They're not just "different" with their opinions and perceptions (everybody has different feelings and opinions) but they're maladaptive and unhealthy.

ASPD and NPD major/common symptoms from research (not just taking from the DSM I've been researching them for a decade now): revenge-prone (often from distorted perceptions but can certainly be from a non-distorted perception), entitlement issues, lack of empathy toward others, manipulation, deception, exploitation/supply-seeking, victim-complex and can't see fault in ones own behaviors chronically so- meaning they see themselves as perfect and don't take accountability for any little mistakes or wrongs, love-bombing then devaluing cycles which causes Stockholm syndrome, projection, possessiveness in relationships, extreme jealousy and envy issues in relationships or with peers, poor and abusive relationships.

While something like ADHD has issues with attention, focus staying on one task that isn't scary or bad, just distressing for the disordered individual. Anxiety disorders have symptoms like overthinking, feeling jittery or on edge, feeling distressed about the future, etc. Other disorders have issues with normal things that only distress the individual suffering from said disorder, they're not dangerous.

However, people with ASPD and NPD have symptoms that make them dangerous to themselves AND others, causing distress to both themselves AND others.

Yes, people with ASPD and NPD are certainly distressed as well from the consequences of their actions and lack of ability to love another person, thus making relationships unfulfilling. But they bring distress to people around them as well and just as much if not worse.

ASPD, psychopathy and narcissists are vindictive as a PERSONALITY trait and if you do your research properly - revenge as a maladaptive personality trait is a hallmark of ASPD and psychopathy, not just a one time thing like a 17 year old girl getting revenge with her best friend on her cheating partner (teenagers are impulsive and dumb they'd be more prone to this behavior than adults). But with personality disorders it is a pattern of behavior. And their revenge-seeking is an epidemic in the world of psychological abuse survivors because that's often what psychological abuse survivors complain of is the cluster-b persons vindictive behavior towards them for unrighteous reasons, that the cluster b thinks is righteous but thats the distortions and delusions they have. And part of that maladaptive trait is along with the lack of emotional (sometimes cognitive) empathy they don't have that line in the sand they won't cross, meaning they don't have limits on how far they're willing to hurt people making them inherently wrong for their behaviors.

Neuroscientists psychopathy and ASPD:

Dr Keel

Dr. Raine

Dr. Robert Hare 

Dr Kevin Dutton

Books: 

Handbook of psychopathy

Hervey Cleckley's original 1940's checklist that Hare basically admitted the PCL-R is based off of.

Npd:

Dr kernberg

Dr. W. Keith Campbell

Dr. Kraig malkin 

Dr. James Masterson

Dr Steve reed

Dr Elinor Greenberg 

Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen, a psychoanalyst

There is a lot of what you’ve said that I agree with. ASPD and NPD do indeed cause symptoms distressing to themselves and others. People with ASPD and NPD can act harmfully. Jealousy does play a large role in NPD (I’m not so sure in ASPD since this is a disorder largely based off apathy).

I have NPD and I’m acutely aware of the distortions in my world view. I know that that’s unusual. I’ve had years of therapy and several times of radical acceptance to get to this point. Egotypicals still perceive things in ways that surprise me from time to time but generally I have a lot of self awareness and I’m very interested in psychology and the concept of society.

I have very low emotional empathy (although my cognitive empathy works very well if I have the energy) and yet I disagree with you saying that cluster b’s “don’t have limits on how far they’re willing to hurt people making them inherently wrong for their behaviours”. There are so many things wrong with that statement.

The first is the not having “limits”. I have limits. Perhaps they’re implemented more by rational thought than emotional (like others) but they’re still there. I have a set of morals that I stick steadfast to and I’ve been told by many people that I am a person who holds my values and morals close and guards them tightly.

The second is “willing to hurt people”. This might come as a shock but that’s not a specific cluster b trait. Anyone and everyone are willing to hurt people. Neurotypicals do it all the time. Neurodivergents do it all the time. Everyone does it all the time. For example, you are willing to hurt a group of people with personality disorders by sending an ask that deliberately frames them in a negative way. A simpler example is asking what you would do for your loved ones. Would you steal, fight, manipulate, break the law? All of those classify as “willing to hurt people”.

My third issue is that you say cluster b’s are “inherently wrong for their behaviours”. What behaviours? Who’s wrong?

If I take that as I assume it was meant to be intended, what you meant was “cluster b folk are wrong and will always be wrong in their behaviours because of the previously mentioned reasons”. I just disproved the previously mentioned reasons so that point is moot. You’ve just taken a few traits of a disorder, spun a negative portrayal on them and decided that that means cluster b people as a whole are completely untrustworthy and unforgivable in every aspect.

If I was to take a different view on the statement, I could interpret the meaning as “people who willfully do harm are inherently irredeemable”. That’s a more solid point but one I would dispute anyway. That ends up tipping more into the moral quandary of questions such as “would you steal bread for your starving family”. I would say that no one is inherently irredeemable. Certain acts may be unforgivable but people themselves are not irredeemable.

People who willfully do harm with malicious intent over and over again (the ones “without limits”) are indeed not good people. However, assuming that the only people who do that or the only people capable of doing it are cluster b is not a good view nor a correct one.

Anyone can be a bad person. Anyone can do bad things.

Another thing you mentioned is vindictiveness. I wouldn’t phrase it like that. For all intents and purposes it’s very similar but it’s much easier to understand is describing it as the fight response. Cluster b folk are more inclined to the fight response. When they perceive threat, they lash out, which can cause harm to themselves and others. It’s something a lot of people do however cluster b’s take it to an extreme.

It’s not a petty grudge and it’s not a relentless pursuing of someone. It’s a matter of hurt and survival instincts.

There’s been a lot of focus on the damage disorders do to others and far less on the damage it causes the person themself. And for those who are trying to cope better and hurt less it’s much harder for them as it becomes easier for people around them.

At the end of the day, you have sent what’s effectively a list of “proof” that cluster b’s are inherently harmful and that’s that (although you completely failed to mention BPD and HPD).

I want to prove that you’re wrong. No one is inherently harmful. No one is beyond hope of at least trying for better. ASPD and NPD (and BPD and HPD) don’t cause people to be awful people. They make mistakes, they mess up and they try to heal just like everyone else.

I can acknowledge how my actions hurt people and work on them and be a good person. Anyone can. I can take accountability for hurting someone even if I don’t accept I was wrong.

Personality disorders are morally neutral and it might be harder for me but I can create healthy, caring relationships.

If you won’t accept the idea that we can then that’s not our problem. That’s something I sincerely hope you educate yourself on and get over.

#anon ask #npd #cluster b #actually narcissistic #aspd #bpd #hpd #ableism #narc abuse isn't real #trauma recovery #coping with personality disorders

[ukrfeminism]

A woman who is suing a rape crisis charity says she felt unable to speak at a support group after a transgender woman began attending the same meeting.

"Sarah", who says she was raped in her 20s, stopped going to the sessions, saying she became uncomfortable sharing details of her past with the group.

She says the centre could have offered separate groups, telling the BBC: "I think my case is about women's rights."

The charity, Survivors' Network says it plans to vigorously defend the claim.

It says male victims of sexual violence are referred to neighbouring services, but trans women "are welcome into all of our women-only spaces".

However, Sarah's lawyers claim that by adopting a trans-inclusive approach - and not providing a session for women who were born female - the charity, in Brighton, failed to meet the needs of all sexual violence victims.

Sarah is bringing the case under the Equality Act, claiming indirect discrimination as well as victimisation and harassment. She said: "I think women have sex-based rights and protections and these are under threat at the moment from trans activism."

She told the BBC she had been groomed and sexually abused when she was a child and later, in her 20s, a man she knew raped her. She did not go to the police.

Last year, she knew she was going to have to come into contact with the man who attacked her. "I was finding it really hard to cope and I was having increased anxiety attacks," she says. "So I decided to approach Survivors' Network for help."

She says she felt an immediate benefit from the group sessions. "We had either been abused as children or had experiences as women. It was a very safe space to speak about the feelings we had been through."

She added: "We spoke a lot about how we were manipulated and coerced by men. I can't tell you how much it helped me mentally."

Sarah says a new person attended a session, whom she understood to be a trans woman. She said the person presented as typically male, wearing male clothing. "I was a bit taken aback. I decided I wasn't going to speak that week because I wasn't comfortable."

"I don't trust men because I have been raped by a man. I've been sexually abused by men. And I just don't necessarily trust that men are always who they say they are," she said.

However, she says the person running the session asked her to speak to the group. "I felt manipulated and coerced into talking," she said. "When I left the session I had a panic attack, I was absolutely distraught."

Test case

Survivors' Network says it learned of the impending legal action on social media and it has not yet received any legal paperwork to clarify the details and basis of the claim.

It said all survivors, including Sarah, had been assessed and received a copy of the group handbook, which says survivors should only speak if they feel comfortable. It says there was no obligation for Sarah to speak in the session.

It added: "In both the assessment and in the handbook, it is explained that all women, including trans women, are welcome in the women's only group. The claimant was made aware of Survivors' Network trans-inclusive position prior to attending the group."

However, Sarah says she felt the presence of the trans woman in the group changed the atmosphere and discussion. She says she is not transphobic, but feels she now can't use the service.

"I think it's fantastic that trans survivors feel that there is a safe space for them that they can go and seek help. But for me personally, a mixed sex space doesn't work."

She added: "I think having just one additional group for women who are born female would be the answer."

In April, the Equality and Human Rights Commission issued guidance for organisations in England, Scotland and Wales.

It says that in certain places, such as hospital wards or changing rooms, providers can offer single sex services that "prevent, limit or modify" trans people from attending, if it is "a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim" and balances the needs of service users.

Sarah's lawyer, Kate Lea, says that while the guidance is welcome, it does not go far enough and clarification is needed from the courts. "We see this very much as a test case. We need further guidance in this area. We recognise that there are really difficult decisions to be made by service providers."

Meanwhile, Survivors' Network, which is funded by a number of bodies, including the Ministry of Justice and the NHS, said in a statement: "Continuing to deliver our services supporting survivors of sexual violence and abuse is of paramount importance and we want to reassure all our current survivors and anyone seeking support that we are still here for them."

[nonclassyparty]

Starring Role- ACT III (C.S; S.MG)

title;  look into his angel eyes, one look and you're hypnotized, he'll take your heart and you must pay the price  

summary:

We’ve all read about the infamous player who falls in love with the good girl that manages to make him change his ways…but what happens to the other girl? The pretty, popular one that has warmed his bed before the good girl came along and took him away.

Well, no one cares about her. After all, she’s just a side character.

It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart.

pairing: choi san x reader, song mingi x reader (for now lol)

wc: almost 14k

warnings (PLEASE READ!): this chapter contains mentions of food and heavy dieting, mentions of unhealthy eating habits. mentions of drug abuse and drinking

taglist: @joonsthethicc​ @cookiechristie​ @purenjuniverse​  @hwaist​ @littleparkseonghwa​ @hwasong​ @hwadump​ @hongshines​ @kitty4hwa​ @knisterlicht​ @flamingi​ @revehosh​ @gayliljoong​ @naiify​     @btshook​@atzcoke​  @circusjanreblogs​ @baguette-atiny​ @kpopnightingale​ @xosim​@raineadlr​ 

Buy me a coffee! 

act ii / masterlist / act iv

“She’d been in love with the man, and love is a scary thing. If not reciprocated, it can turn a person into a monster.” ― Michele Young-Stone, The Handbook for Lightning Strike Survivors

You do something you've never done before in your one year long "relationship" with Choi San- you start asking around about his latest conquest.

And by asking around, you mean that you ask Minjeong because she knows everyone and their mothers on your campus. From names to majors to the gossip that might follow them.

You try to do it as inconspicuously as possible because you can't have anyone knowing that some nobody piqued your interest, soon enough after that they'll start to ask why. And God forbid, people could come to the conclusion that you might be threatened by the girl San kissed.

Jennie and the girls would never let you live that one down.

You clear your throat, glancing at Minjeong from the corner of your eye. It's just the two of you at lunch in the cafeteria today and your little friend is munching the sushi she brought for lunch, completely clueless to your incoming inquisition.

"Hey, Jeongie..." You start, swallowing down the piece of salad you stuffed in your mouth before this, as you turn to her innocently.

"Yeah?" She asks, eyes meeting yours. Minjeong is pretty, in a cute sort of way. She's not the type of girl you would usually call hot but she has a brilliant smile and doe eyes that make her seem adorable when she laughs.

"Okay, don't look right away but.." That catches her attention instantly as she turns to you completely, immediately intrigued. Nosy ass bitch. "Do you see that girl sitting next to the vending machine? She's wearing a black hoodie."

Minjeong keeps eye contact with you for a second longer before subtly turning in the direction of the vending machine, pretending to read the drink labels on it.

The girl next to the vending machine, the one San kissed or whatever, has earphones stuck in her ears as she reads a book. She occasionally reaches over for a fry off of her tray which she stuffs in her mouth. Other than that, she doesn't really look up from the book.

Her hair is in a messy low ponytail, strands that escaped are tucked behind her ears and she's in a plain black hoodie. Alone once again. She's really a nobody but the moment she walked into the cafeteria and crossed your vision, your mood dampened significantly.

"I see her." She says quietly, face not giving away much when she slowly turns to you again.

"Do you maybe know who she is?" You question, voice light and unbothered. Making sure not to portray anything other than faint curiosity.

Minjeong nods in response, taking another sushi roll in her mouth, you try not to seem impatient as you watch her chew but your foot is tapping against the cafeteria tiles.

"That's Son Boyoung. She's a biology major."

"That's it?" You push, brows furrowing in slight annoyance. Usually, Minjeong knew a lot more. The juicy stuff like who the other person dated, what stupid thing they did while drunk, what embarrassing thing they posted on social media. Something other than just this.

But Minjeong just shrugs in response.

"I don't really see her around that often, I don't think she goes out or has many friends or anything. The only time I ever see her is maybe the library." She pauses, eyes narrowed in concentration before her eyebrows raise and eyes widen. "Oh, she's Song Mingi's friend!"

"Song Mingi?" It's the first time you hear of him. Minjeong gasps scandalously.

"Oh em gee! Y/N, you don't know Song Mingi?" She questions in a hushed voice. When you shake your head in response, she drops her chopsticks down and gives you her full attention. "Well, he's, like, this computer wiz or something. He's an IT major but most importantly, Song Mingi is fucking hot!"

You raise your brows, not really buying that he can be that hot if he's friends with the likes of Son Boyoung. Plus, you've never heard of him before. Hot people are usually popular. Minjeong is quick to continue.

"He's, like," Minjeong lets out a dreamy sigh, "Tall and just the right amount of muscular and has the best lips ever. And he's mysterious as well, literally no-one knows anything about him except for the small group of people he hangs out with."

"And Son Boyoung is in that group of people?" You ask with an arched eyebrow, not really caring about this Mingi guy much. It's probably overhyped bullshit as per usual.

"Oh, she's much more!" Minjeong leans in closer, "Word on the street is that Mingi is in love with her since, like, forever. They've been friends since they were kids."

"Woah, wait a minute." You pause her ramblings as you sigh, closing your eyes to recollect yourself. "You could've led with that, Minjeong."

"What do you mean?" You shake your head at her question.

"So, you're telling me that this, supposed, God of a man is in love with her? And he couldn't swoop her off her feet by now?"

"Well, it's just a rumor." Minjeong pauses, "But I'm, like, seventy percent sure he's in love with her because he had a project to work on with Chaeyoung, you know her right?" You nod your head even though you have no idea who Chaeyoung was. "She said that Boyoung called him in the middle of their assignment and he dropped everything just to go to her. Chaeyoung was trying to flirt with him as well!"

"He always gives Boyoung special treatment, it makes me kind of jealous." She sighs dramatically and you have to hold back an eyeroll, "And I don't think he ever even hooks up with other girls, at least not that everyone else knows about it. You'd think we'd hear stories about his hookups all the time with how many girls are after him but nothing!"

"Interesting." You hum, leaning back in your chair and letting your eyes wander to Son Boyoung, who still had her nose in a book.

"Right? Maybe he's gay." Minjeong says thoughtfully and you give her a bland stare.

"No, not him-" But you stop yourself, if you mention Son Boyoung one more time, Minjeong might be onto you. She's a bit of an airhead but you aren't being as sneaky as you initially planned. "I mean, maybe he likes her."

"You think so?" Minjeong asks warily, eyes fleeting to where Boyoung sat one more time. "She's kinda..."

"Right?!" You ask gleefuly, making her jump a little. "She's really not that special, right?"

So, you might've been projecting onto Minjeong a little bit right now, who obviously was talking badly about Boyoung with Mingi in mind.

You didn't know Mingi but you know San.

And San kissed Son Boyoung.

"I mean, she's pretty." You say quickly because talking down on a girl's appearance never sat right with you but the shallow, rotten side of you is squirming in delight. "But she's kind of plain, don't you think?"

"Definitely. She dresses weird, as well." Minjeong scrunches up her nose.

It's going to make you feel bad in the long run, the dissection of Boyoung's appearance and dogpiling on it along with Minjeong and probably a dozen of other girls who are after Song Mingi, but in this moment- it makes your heart hurt less.

If Minjeong agrees on this Boyoung girl being no-one special as well, then it's not just you! It's not the jealousy or bitterness speaking in your stead because someone else also agrees that this girl doesn't deserve all this special attention.

Maybe San lost his goddamn mind.

The theory of San having a couple of screws missing up there continues to be the only logical explanation when you're sitting in the library with Hongjoong the next evening.

Your pink laptop is set up in front of you with the rest of your material as you patiently waited for his friend to show up, so he can help you with the main assignment for Computer Science. Hongjoong sat opposite of you, scribbling notes down as he flipped pages of the book in front of him.

You've been spending more time with him recently as San has been completely ignoring you and you'd like to think Hongjoong is your friend. The two of you never hung out outside of the walls of the library, you never asked but neither did he.

"Hey." A deep voice interrupts your train of thoughts and your head picks up at the new presence standing right next to the table where you and Hongjoong sat at.

Your breath gets stuck in your throat once you recognize him as the guy who called Boyoung clumsy the day she bumped into you.

"Mingi! Dude, finally." Hongjoong exclaims in a hushed whisper, failing to hide his excitement at the newcomer as he pulls a chair for him to sit, moving his box to clear out the side of the table.

Wait a second. Mingi?

"Sorry, the TA wanted to talk after class so I got held up." Mingi says quietly as he sits down, eyes fleeting to you and nodding in some sort of greeting you suppose. You nod back, trying not to seem so shocked that Boyoung's friend is, coincidentally, the person that was supposed to help you with your assignment.

Maybe you took Minjeong's words a bit too lightly because fuck, Mingi was hot.

He was tall with broad shoulders covered in a sweatshirt and you couldn't help the way your eyes stayed glued to his hands, decorated with silver rings, as he pulled out his laptop out of the backpack that was hanging off of one shoulder when he walked in.

Tan skin, luscious lips, slim nose and dark eyes that were almost covered by the fringe of dark hair. If you weren't paying such close attention, you wouldn't notice the strands of dark blue in it weaved underneath the raven ones.

But you were mostly focused on his lips. Fuck, Minjeong was right about those as well. They were amazing.

Pretty, pink and plump.

You quickly dragged your gaze somewhere else clearing your throat which seemed to bring Hongjoong's nose out of his book.

"Oh, right!" Hongjoong points to you, "Mingi, this is Y/N. She's the girl who needs help with her assignment."

"Hey." Mingi just repeats, coolly.

"Hi." You respond back, pulling your lips in because you feel slightly awkward since you really do remember him from when you snapped at Son Boyoung a couple of weeks ago.

"Did you start your work already or?" Mingi asks, placing his backpack down on the floor.

Your eyes dart to Hongjoong, who is back to his own work, before you respond.

"Um, I started it but I'm already stuck. I only know the basics..." You drag out and he nods once again before quietly moving to sit on the empty chair next to you and turning his laptop around.

Half an hour later, Hongjoong is long gone saying he has an essay to turn in tomorrow morning and you're stuck with Song Mingi alone as you both try to work on your assignment. But it's quite difficult and you don't grasp it as easily and it definitely doesn't take long for his true colors to show.

"You're doing it wrong again." He huffs, moving your hand away from the mouse and taking it in his own hand. "This is quite literally one of the simplest tasks in the assignment."

"Oh..." You muse out, not really knowing what to say. The fact that you're not good at this subject was already eating away at you but now, he was just making you feel like an idiot.

"What 'oh'?" Mingi asks a little bit harsher and you turn to him, cheeks flushing. His brows are furrowed and he's looking at the screen with annoyance radiating off of him. "'Oh' isn't going to fix shit."

You pursue your lips, watching him click away and re-do your mistake with a clenched fist in your lap. You don't want to be rude because one; he's Hongjoong's friend and two; he's the one taking the time out of his day to help you.

"Where are your exercise books?" He asks as he presses the 'save' button, you bite your lip before turning to him again.

"There are exercise books?" You ask in a small voice, almost trying to act cute so he wouldn't get angry.

"Seriously?" But Mingi is dead serious and looking even more pissed off now. Your eyes fall down to the table, feeling like you're getting scolded by a teacher in middle school. "You know maybe if you spent less time planning your outfits and more time actually sitting in class and paying attention, you wouldn't be failing."

"I..." You mouth is ajar a bit as you let his words sink in before you're just filled with anger. "I'm not failing and I do sit in class and pay attention."

"Oh, really?" He asks almost mockingly and you have the urge to slap him. "Because I'm pretty sure professors are obliged to mention the material for the subjects they're teaching. The assignment is literally from those exercise books."

You clamp your mouth shut, feeling your cheeks turn redder by the second. Mingi hums, eyes dancing over your face for a second.

"Maybe your way of paying attention is as bad as your common courtesy."

Wha-

"Common cour- What the fuck are you even talking about, right now?" You snap in a hushed tone, being completely done with this guy.

Minjeong was wrong about him. He's not the mysterious, smart hunk she thought he was. Song Mingi was just a dick who thought he was better than you.

He thinks he's all that because he's hot and knows how to code stuff.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about or do you intend on playing stupid and acting like you don't recognize me from the day you yelled at my friend." He hisses back in the same way, his laptop already being pushed shit by his big hand.

It seems like your tutoring hour is finishing early today.

"Seriously?! That's what you're so pissed about?!" You chuckle in disbelief, looking around the almost empty library just to refrain yourself from blowing up on him.

The fact that he's being an asshole to you right now, all because of Son fucking Boyoung almost makes you scream.

"I have every right to be pissed about that. You embarrassed her in front of everyone that was there that day." He accused and you roll your eyes before turning to him.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic." You lazily waved off, "I merely raised my voice a little bit, she'll live."

Now it was Mingi's turn to let out a humorless chuckle of disbelief as he stared at you for a second too long.

"You're unbelievable, you know that right?" He breathed out, collecting all of his belongings into his backpack. You watch him place the backpack over his shoulder and get up from the chair in silence. "We're done for today."

Then he stops for a second before turning around to face.

"And by the way, I don't care what Joong said. I expect to be paid for these lessons."

And he's stalking towards the exit, leaving you with your mouth slightly ajar as you watch him leave before letting out a final chuckle of disbelief.

What an asshole.

Still, you're not all that bothered by his clear dislike towards you. Song Mingi was equally of a nobody as Kang Yeosang to you, why would you let him plague your mind for a moment necessary .

Especially when you have some fucking rich kids party coming up that Friday, which you really don't want to go to but you have to for the sake of appearances. If they sense that you don't want to run in their crowd anymore, you'll become prey.

You're not scared of any of them, far from it actually, but you know that Jennie and the rest of girls would quickly follow in turning their backs on you. And being an outcast would be easy if you knew you had people watching your back but you don't. You're all alone.

They're all patiently waiting for the moment you screw up, so you could be kicked off of the top and placed at the bottom of their fucked up food chain.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

That Friday, you sit in front of your vanity and carefully apply your make as you always do. The hinges on your face are tightly shut because this time, you refuse to see what hides below the surface.

It's peaceful despite the storm raging inside of you.

Until Jung Wooyoung bursts into your bedroom.

He looks entirely out of place as he closes the door shut behind himself and almost awkwardly looks around your room, ignoring your question.

When you just continue to stare at him with raised brows as if he lost his whole entire mind, he lets out a sigh and his head falls a little in somewhat embarrassment.

"Look, my parents sent me here to pick you up, okay? They want us to go to the party together." He explains, face portraying the annoyance you're feeling as well as you exhale shakily as if you're about to explode.

"My parents sent you to my room?!" You hiss with a glare, dropping the brush you were using to apply your highlighter loudly back to the small makeup table.

"I mean, yeah. You mom sent me up here." Wooyoung nods, slipping his hands in the back pockets of his jeans as he continues to stare around your room.

"Un-fucking-believable." You mutter being thoroughly done with your mother who never allowed any boys in your room but suddenly it's okay just because it's Wooyoung, grabbing your mascara and pulling out the wand to apply it to your lashes.

You pause when you notice his gaze on your face.

You turn to him, expecting for him to look away or fucking leave.

"Well, don't fucking stand there! You're stressing me out!" You snap rudely and he rolls his eyes, hands sarcastically going up as if in defence.

"Sorry, princess. Didn't know I caught you in such a crucial moment." He's quiet for a moment. "Well, what am I supposed to do then?"

You sigh, hand dropping to the wooden surface for a second as you turn to glare at him.

"I don't fuckin' know. Go sit down or something!" Because you know there's no way around it. You're going to the party with him, there's no getting out of this one.

With a hum, he walks over to your bed and plops down on it.

Once again, he looks as awkward as you feel. You haven't seen Wooyoung since the night of that party a couple of weeks ago and the last time you two spoke, you were very close to ruining both of your lives.

Not that Wooyoung and you ever had anything to talk about. But somehow, with that night in mind, your bedroom seems suffocating with him in it. Especially since he's not as hostile as he would usually be.

"Oh, shit. You actually do paint." Wooyoung sings innocently, observing your painting aisle set up next to the window with one of your current projects half finished, sitting in it. "I always thought that was another pretentious farce of yours."

You grit your teeth as you continue working on your make-up, refusing to give him the pleasure of riling you up.

"I always thought you were going to go into business like Seonghwa. I mean, your parents were sure of it." He keeps talking, before turning to you with head cocked in curiosity. "How did they let you go into art?"

"I'm very persuasive." You say stiffly as you dab your lips with a cherry red lipstick.

"I'm sure you are." He nods but his eyes are narrowed as if he's trying to read you. Your eyes meet his through the mirror and you pursue your lips but still keep quiet. "So, it has nothing to do with the summer you spent in rehab?"

"Shut the fuck up!" You hiss, head turning to him sharply with a venomous glare before you glance at the door in reflex from the fear of someone hearing him. No one can know that he knows.

Wooyoung follows your eyes to the door, getting the message that maybe he's not supposed to talk about that here. With a clenched jaw, "Fine."

You turn to the mirror again to finally finish your look.

A beat of silence.

"It's not something to be ashamed of, Y/N." The way Wooyoung says it, it's almost soft. A first for him to talk to you like that.

"Your shit isn't something to be ashamed of either, yet you're still hiding it." You throw back in a low voice and he holds your gaze through the mirror for a moment before his eyes fall to your carpet.

You watch him through the mirror, his face is stoic but his leg keeps bouncing up and down.

He clears his throat.

"I won't tell anyone, by the way." He's still staring at the floor. "So..you don't have to worry about that."

In Jung Wooyoung's booklet, this was his idea of an apology. For cornering you like that? For using it against you and scaring the shit out you? You don't know. But you can tell he feels at least a bit of remorse for that night.

You don't say anything in response but still, you can't resist the curiosity about the thing that's been eating away at you ever since that night.

You drop down the lipstick and turn to him, hesitantly opening your mouth.

"How did you find out?"

His eyes snap up to you and he leans back on the palms of his hands on your bed.

"I didn't." Wooyoung responds quietly, tongue swiping over his bottom lip as your mouth drops to tell him off before he shrugs. "It was just a rumor going around. Most of those end up being true when you're in our circles."

"I just said it without thinking because I was panicking and your face only confirmed it."

Your eyes fall shut at his admission, mad at yourself for making such a fucking rookie mistake.

"Fucking stupid." You whisper to yourself, standing up and heading towards your closet to pick out an outfit because you couldn't bare to sit in front of him anymore.

Wooyoung sits in silence as you flick through the options in your closet before deciding on a white flare dress with slightly puffed out sleeves. You disappear in your bathroom to slip into it and pull on thin black nylons underneath because it was nearing November now and the nights were cold.

You step into your Mary Jane heeled shoes and walk back into your bedroom, just running a brush through your hair as you're really not in the mood for this party or anything else that comes with it.

You grab your small purse from the hanger and check if your phone and wallet are in it. Wooyoung opts to just staying silent the entire time.

"Okay, let's go." You say and he jumps up with a sigh, heading out of your room.

Your mother escorts you out of the house as if you and Wooyoung were heading off to prom, you swear she would've asked to take photos of the two of you if you hadn't just grabbed Wooyoung's hand and pulled him through the house with a loud goodbye.

The party is just like any other fancy party you've attended over the years. Filled with fake smiles and pretending to give a fuck about what these people have going on in their lives since you've last seen them.

The only difference is that, now, you stick by Wooyoung's side.

When the two of you walked in together, almost no-one was surprised which is infuriating as it's equally as comforting.

You're surprised neither you or Wooyoung have wandered off to mingle by now but it seems like he hates these things as much as you do and yet, he can't allow his annoyance to show with anyone else but you.

Which is why you stay glued by him. It's a little bit easier to not have to wear your facade around at least someone here and you can share your discomfort and mean comments with him freely.

It's almost kind of nice.

"Oh, Kim Jisoo got a nose job." Wooyoung mutters next to you with a faint smirk and the fact that he almost looks gleeful not because of the nose job but because he can actually say stuff like that to someone now, makes you snort and you're willing to amuse him by playing along.

"Yikes." You try not to grimace once you catch sight of the girl. "Not even a nose job can make that bitch likeable."

Wooyoung snorts in response, inching closer to you as you both rest your backs against the wall near the balcony.

You wonder why he's not with the guys he usually hangs out with but then it dawns onto you that maybe those guys are his 'Jennie and the girls'. It makes you feel pity for him for a second and you have no space to pity anyone when you and Wooyoung are in the exact same boat.

"She's dating Yeonjun, now." Wooyoung comments quietly, careful of anyone overhearing. "I heard they're set to get engaged next year."

You shrug, taking a sip from the flute of champagne. "Good for them. They deserve each other."

Both rotten to the bone, you want to add but refrain yourself.

"You're okay with that?" Wooyoung scrunches his nose, cocking his head to the side as his eyes catch yours. "Weren't you, like, in love with him?"

An unladylike snort escapes you.

"Wooyoung, Yeonjun and I dated the same way you and I are dating now." You turn to face him, lazily fixing the collar of his blaze that got twisted before smiling bitterly. "It was all our parents. I didn't even have his phone number until the day he texted me that he's breaking up with me."

"But...it seemed so real." He furrows his brows. Your hand falls from his collar now that you've caught enough people glancing at the two of you and you smile at him, widely.

"I'm a good actress."

Wooyoung looks like he wants to ask more but he's interrupted by the buzzing from your purse. You fish out your phone, confused to see Yeji calling you.

"Hello?"

"When are you getting here?" Yeji was one of the rare friends you made in the art department. She wasn't rich but she was popular, a party girl and you liked her enough on a superficial level.

"I'm not getting anywhere." You respond confusedly because you have no idea what 'here' even entails, "I already had plans."

"Well, ditch the plans!" There is music in the background and loud cheering which can only mean she's at a party of her own. "San is here."

And you pathetically perk up at that, chest filling with that familiar longing and want that would make you do just about anything- even disobeying your parents' wishes.

"I'll be there." You respond quickly and she giggles from the other line.

"Are you coming alone?"

"No." You eye Wooyoung who busied himself with munching on a piece of chocolate cake. "I'm bringing some collateral damage with me."

And you hang up.

"What collateral damage?" Wooyoung asks with his mouth full and eyes almost innocent.

"You." You answer swiftly, not looking to see the glare that sets on his face as you push your phone back into your small purse. "Go get your car. We're leaving this snoozefest."

"I don't think I like this." Wooyoung shifts next to you as you both stand in front of the huge sorority house, you can hear music coming from inside and people occasionally spilling out of the door.

It's crowded, even for you who is used to these types of thing.

You turn to him.

"You've been to college parties before, Wooyoung."

"Yeah, but..." He hesitantly eyes the people drunkenly stumbling out of front door, "They're never like this, I think we should just go back."

The timid note in his voice is enough to cause even your eyes to soften, confused by his behaviour. Wooyoung is usually loud, confident and annoying.

"Hey," You softly call, hesitant to show him that you might give a fuck about how he feels. "I just need to see someone, we'll be out as soon as I do. You can wait in the car if you'd like but I think it's going to take awhile for me to find them."

"Promise?" He asks and you cock your head in confusion. "Promise we won't stay here for long?"

You stare at him for a second too long, wondering why Jung Wooyoung would believe any promise you make when even you know it might be a lie.

What if you actually find San and go home with him? Would you really turn that down after weeks of being ignored by him for someone like Jung Wooyoung? Someone who made your life hell since the moment you met him at the tender age of six?

You don't think so.

"Promise." You nod.

When the two of you walk inside, it's exactly how you would expect it. Drunk college students everywhere, sweaty bodies occupying the living room and dancing but on the verge of basically humping. Girls taking photos with their friends, guys trying to get laid and Yeji skipping her way to the two of you.

"Oh, he's cute Y/N!" Yeji gushes as she introduces herself to Wooyoung who stares at her with complete disinterest.

"Stay away from him, Yeji." You say with a snort as you give her a hug. Something tells you that she'll make it a mission to get with Wooyoung by the end of the night. "I don't think you're his type."

She pouts at him and Wooyoung laughs a very fake laugh before pulling you closer to whisper in your ear. "I'll stay with her while you find whoever you need to find, but for the love of fucking God, hurry."

"Okay." You nod before parting from them and continuing your way into the house.

You grimace as you push your way past the sweaty bodies and know that it will be hard to find San like this. You should've asked Yeji where he was but it was too late to go back now so instead, you decide to go to the kitchen which is less occupied to take a moment and think.

Resting your hands on the counter, you let out a deep sigh and thank God that there is a minimum amount of people here.

San wasn't in the living room. If he were, he'd have a crowd of people around him which would attract your attention. The only place he could be is upstairs, again.

You straighten out your posture, eyes falling on the open backdoor that lead to the back porch and you freeze.

....or San could be with Boyoung outside, again. Which he is.

You almost snort at how predictable this is getting.

You can see the two of them through the kitchen window which gives view of the backyard.

They're leaning against the wooden banister, bodies pressed close to each other and they're...talking.

San is smiling softly at her as he whisper something to her that makes her blush, before he gently tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear.

Even Boyoung, who you have usually never seen in anything but hoodies and ugly sweaters, is now in a tight dress stuck to her figure. Meaning she was invited here tonight.

...by San?

Your cheeks flush in...you don't know what. Heartbreak? Betrayal? Humiliation? You're not sure. All you know is that you feel like your chest is caving in and your back is breaking out in sweat as you stare at them with parted lips.

Boyoung says something to him and San throws his head back in laughter, if you listen closely- you're sure you can hear his pretty laugh even from the outside.

Tears well up in your eyes but you just can't look away.

Is she the new favorite? Or was this something else? Was there something more serious between her and San that you have been trying to create for the past year?

And that this nobody managed to do in less than a month.

"Oh, would you look at that." Your body goes rigid once a familiar voice echoes through the, now, almost empty kitchen. "How the mighty have fallen."

"What do you want?" You hiss, eyes falling to the counter so you don't have to look at her face.

Don’t let him giving you attention get to your head, you’re not anyone special to him. You’re just a little freshman who still doesn’t know what she just got herself into.

Seo Yeojin casually leans on the counter next to you, car keys dangling off of her fingers and jacket still on.

"Nothing, just enjoying the party."

You turn to her, eyeing her from her heeled boots to hair in a low bun.

"Aren't you a little too old for college parties?" You sneer, crossing your arms over your chest. She snorts but her eyes hold no offense.

In fact, she looks completely indifferent to you which causes rage to bubble up inside of you because she's actually looking like the bigger person here.

"I came to pick up my baby sister. She's a freshman."

"I don't care." You're quick to respond and she lets out a sigh, eyes falling to the floor for a second.

"You know, you can retract the claws. I'm not trying to fight." Yeojin says earnestly and you scoff, rolling your eyes.

It seems like by not giving her a response it gives her a right to continue speaking or something because she's quick to open her mouth again.

"San seems really happy with her. There isn't that cloud hovering over his head anymore, you know?" Your hands ball into fists and jaw clenches as you draw her eyes away from her and to the kitchen window again. San and Boyoung are still there, whispering amongst themselves, softly caressing each other. "You actually did hold out the longest from all of us, so I'm sure you've noticed it. I'm sure you know how fucking miserable he actually is...why he does the things he does to us."

"Stop talking." You whisper but she doesn't listen.

"He was fucking broken and each and every one of us tried to fix him, Y/N. At one point, you have to give up. Especially now when he seems to find someone he actually might have feel-"

"She's nothing to him!" You snarled, cheeks a deep red as you're that winded up, "She means nothing. She's just another girl to be added to his list and once he's bored, he'll come back to me. Like he always does."

But your eyes well up with tears and your hands shake when you're finished. You're so caught up in your emotions that you have no idea how much you sound exactly like Seo Yeojin did the day she cornered you in that bathroom.

If you were in her place, you would gloat in that fact. You would throw the words you said to her that day, in your own face.

The difference is that Seo Yeojin isn't as rotten as you are on the inside. At the time, you were convinced you were better than her but it seems like it's actually the other way around.

"That's not true." She responds calmly and there is fucking pity in her eyes. For you. Seo Yeojin, the girl you ridiculed and who's place you took the moment you walked into San's life, is pitying you. "And deep down, you know it as well."

"Everything you've said just..." You leered at her. "All of this bullshit. It's what a fucking losers says. You lost him, so now you're trying to convince me that I've done the same."

And Yeojin just smiles. But it's not a mean smile, not even a mocking one. It's a sad smile. The pity in her eyes doubles and it makes you want to curl up and die.

"I'm not a loser." She says with a shrug, "I'm just a girl who found someone that showed her what love is actually supposed to be like. And I can tell you right now, Y/N, that this...whatever it is you had with San, it's not it."

She leaves after that, disappears out of the kitchen and into the crowd of people in the living room while you're left alone.

The hinges on your face are close to coming off. The door is ready to fall and show everyone here what lies behind the perfect facade- the barely working mechanism covered in moss and spider webs, the rusty screws so close to breaking.

You're so close to showing everyone who Park Y/N  actually is.

But you can't do that. The door can only come off in the privacy of your bedroom, it's saved for your vanity mirror which has by now grown accustomed to it.

So you suck in a deep breath and will the tears away and with one last look at San still wrapped up in her, you will the tears away and leave the kitchen.

In the living room, a whole new disaster awaits you.

You try to look for Wooyoung and Yeji, pushing through the crowd of sweaty bodies before you notice a little group gathered near the empty fireplace all stuck between what seemed as some commotion.

Jung Wooyoung is in the middle of it.

You push through the crowd more forcefully to get closer to him faster when you notice just how small he looks in front of the bigger guy who looks at him with a mocking smirk and the eyes surrounding them.

"Just leave me alone." Wooyoung sneers and you know he's trying to look unbothered and maybe even a little bit intimidating but you can tell how his eyes coast over the crowd of people around him in panic and fear and you realize just how much you screwed up by bringing him here.

"Hey, hey." You say breathlessly, latching onto the material of his blazer. Wooyoung's watery eyes are still on the guy in front of him. "What's going on?"

"Oh, look everyone! It's Wooyoung's girlfriend!" The big guy laughs as he loudly exclaims to the crowd who seems to break out in whispers. You stare at him a little bit longer when you recognize him as Kim Namhyuk, the university's star football player and resident sleazebag.

"Y/N, let's just go." Wooyoung whispers but you're stuck staring at the guy opposite of him who attracted so much attention to all of you now. Namhyuk redirects his attention to you once he notices your sharp eyes on him.

"He's not going to fuck you, pretty girl." Namhyuk muses with a cruel smirk and you can tell he's drunk and by his blown out and red eyes- maybe even high on something. His eyes coast over to Wooyoung once again, growing meaner. "He likes dick way too much."

Gasps echo through the room.

"Shut up!" Wooyoung almost begs and you've known him since you were both kids but you have never seen him filled with so much desperation and fear. It caused an odd sense of protectiveness over him to wake up inside of you.

Because no-one fucking bullied Jung Wooyoung unless it was you.

Especially not a homophobe.

"Listen, fuckface, how about you go get jacked up on steroids and worry about the classes you're about to flunk this semester instead!" You exclaim loudly, hand wrapping around Wooyoung's wrist and turning around to pull him after you through the crowded space before Namhyuk's voice stops you again.

"Oh, come on pretty girl! Don't get mad!" You try to ignore him, especially when you notice that even his friends are trying to shut him up but he doesn't seem to care. Still laughing, "I'm sure if I let him suck my dick, he'll forget this even happened!"

You stop in your tracks and Wooyoung bumps into you.

You turn to Namhyuk again, trying to ignore Wooyoung's tearful eyes as he looks at you in confusion because all your attention is on Namhyuk.

And he seems to revel in it because he opens his mouth again, "I mean, I'm not saying I'm into guys but a blowjob is a blowjob, you know what I mean?"

He laughs it off with his friend who doesn't really find it that funny. Wooyoung grips the back of your dress. "Y/N, don't."

But it's too late.

Your fist lands straight into his nose before you've flung yourself on top of him and everything just goes to hell after that.

It might've been the anger you felt from seeing San with Boyoung that was festering below your skin that made you have so much power and anger inside of your small body but-

Namhyuk, a football player twice your size is on the floor. It's all foggy but you remember clawing at his face and his hands trying to protect himself. His friends are trying to get you off of him and it's only after there are scratches covering his face and a busted lip- that they succeed.

You shakily push them off of you as you stand up, your hair falling into your face from the ferocity of your attack as you watch him groan on the floor, you breathe heavily. Wooyoung grabs your hand to pull you back to his side as you stare at Namhyuk with a faint smirk.

He goes wild when he sees it.

"I'm going to sue you, Park!" Namhyuk screeches from the floor as he cups his nose, "I'll take every penny from you, you crazy ass bitch!"

"Just try and see what happens." You say quietly as you chuckle before turning around and letting Wooyoung pull you away through the crowded living room which only seemed to grow in the number of people.

Namhyuk is left on the floor in the middle of his tantrum and it's all white noise from there.

Wooyoung is pulling you out of the house and across the lawn towards his car. He's yelling.

"Are you stupid?!" "He will sue you!" "He could've killed you!" "What will your parents say when they find out?!" "You just messed it up for both of us-!"

It's your soft whimper that causes Wooyoung to cease with his shouting at you. The whimper is followed by tears until you're full on sobbing in the front seat of his car as he sits next to you staring with wide eyes and jaw dropped.

"Y/N....?" Wooyoung asks in a much quieter voice, before his face hardens, "Are you hurt?"

You shake your head in response as you cry, hands covering your face and letting the makeup smudge.

He sighs, head falling to the back of the seat.

"Look, I didn't mean to yell that bad. It's just...what you did was really stupid and I don't need-"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" You wail, barely managing to get the words out. Wooyoung looks at you like he doesn't know you at all. "It's my fault! It's all my fault!"

"I mean...it's...well, yeah, breaking his nose was stupid but-"

"No." You whine, tears sliding down your face, "I'm not sorry for ju-jumping on him! I'm sorry for bringing you here! It's all m-my fault! I should've listened w-when you said you wanted to leave! I had no place to even go to this f-fucking party and I'm sorry! If I didn't make you come then you wouldn't have had to he-hear anyone say something like that to y-you! I'm so s-sorry!"

And that was the truth.

The guilt hit you like a truck going at full speed the moment Wooyoung grabbed your hand to drag you outside.

You tried not to make it about you so hard but...

You brought Wooyoung here. You're responsible for this. Without you, he wouldn't have ever met any of these horrible people. He never would've been suspected to their prying eyes and mocking smiles as they tried to humiliate him. He would've never had to hear the words that asshole threw at him.

It would be easy to say that you were simply taking your anger from seeing San with Boyoung and from your conversation with Yeojin, out on Namhyuk. But it wasn't the truth.

The truth was that seeing Wooyoung so small and afraid with those vultures surrounding him as he cowered away- it filled you with rage you haven't felt in awhile.

You didn't have a lot of friends. In fact, you think you don't have any friends. Hongjoong would maybe count if you squint your eyes but other than that, you had no real friends. But it seemed like a newly discovered part of you wanted Wooyoung safe and protected.

That's weird.

"You..." Wooyoung starts, eyeing you like you've gone completely mental as he's trying to connect some dots it seemed. "You're crying because...you brought me here?"

You nod weakly, sniffling and Wooyoung snorts next to you. You bring your head up to look at him through the tears which only makes him want to laugh more.

"Y/N, I brought us here. I literally drove." You stare at him. "Also, I'm two years older than you so I don't think peer pressure had anything to do with this. And I do have a mind of my own so if I didn't want to go or walk into the house, I could've just ditched you, to be honest."

Your sniffles and hiccups slow down.

"So, like, you're not this horrible person you've convinced yourself you are or anything." Wooyoung adds. He looks awkward doing it, probably because neither of you are used to actually being somewhat nice to each other. "And it was actually kind of nice. What you did..."

You don't say anything back, only lower yourself into the seat as you look out of the window and the tears dry on your face. He might have a point, your face scrunches up in thought. Wooyoung looks at you with a quirked up brow.

"Are you okay now?" He asks through a cough, eyes going anywhere else but you as he waits for a response.

You shrug.

"Of course, I am. I'm a good person- you just said it yourself." His head snaps towards you as he chuckles in disbelief.

"Unbelievable. Were those tears even real?" Wooyoung asks with his mouth wide open but you can see a smile threatening to pull up.

"Yes, they were! I'm a mini Mother Theresa if you will." You sniffle and a couple of tears still manage to slide down your face, fingers tapping against the door handle, suddenly feeling a lot better once you got what was bother you off your chest and cried it out. At least one thing that was bothering you, that is.

"Okay, see, a good person wouldn't say that about themselves." He commented. "And I don't think Mother Theresa was famous for beating up fratboys at a sorority house."

You lazily wave off with a sigh.

You're both just sitting in Wooyoung's car, you can see people spilling in and out of the sorority house.

"So...I saw you talking with some girl in the kitchen. Was she the person you needed to see?" He prods, glancing at you from the corner of his eye.

Oh, right.

The image of San and Boyoung surfaces up in your mind, accompanied by the conversation you had with Yeojin and suddenly your good mood, no matter how fleeting and shaky it was, is gone.

"No. It doesn't matter." Is your simple response, hopefully enough for him to get that you'd rather not talk about it. You turn to Wooyoung, "Are you okay?"

He looks at you weirdly and you feel yourself blush.

"I mean, Namhyuk is an asshole I always knew that.." You stammer out, "And I'm not trying to find excuses for him, like, I literally just broke his nose but I never expected for him to be so...like that. So horrible, you know?"

Wooyoung chuckles.

"The worst part is that he's not like that." Now, it's your turn to look at him weirdly as Wooyoung starts the car.

"What do you mean? You know him?" You prod because you're as nosy as you are rich.

"Doesn't matter. But what if he sues you?"

"He won't." You dismiss easily as you watch the road as he drives before turning to him. "How do you know him?"

"How are you so sure he won't sue you?" Wooyoung avoids the question which makes you even more interested.

"Because he used to snort coke off of my back when I was seventeen." Wooyoung almost swerves to the other side of the street, you don't miss a beat before you repeat your question. "Wooyoung, how do you know him?"

"Y/N, what the actual fuck?!" Wooyoung freaks out, eyes wide but still on the road as he loudly chastised, "You can't just say shit like that!"

"Wooyoung..." You draw out and he glances at you before sighing, hands tightening around the steering wheel.

"I don't want to talk about it." He says softly but the sadness in his eyes doesn't go unnoticed by you. "Please just,... stop asking."

You slump in your seat again but eyes still on him. "Okay."

There is a moment of silence in the car, you check the time.

"We still have two hours to kill before we can head home." You press your lips together.

"We could go to a bar." He suggests before muttering, "Lord knows I need a fucking drink after tonight."

"You can't drink, you have to drive us back home." You remind and he groans, saying you have a point.

"Wanna go to McDonalds?"

"Sure." You nod, eyes glued to his side profile for a second too long.

It seemed like Wooyoung and you were more alike than you first thought. Both haunted by secrets and past hurt that neither of you were willing to share just yet.

Three days after that you come to the decision of paying Choi San a little visit.

Now, it was stupid. You were very well aware but the unknown between the two of you, how you stand with him now that all of his attention is on Boyoung- is starting to drive you insane.

And it's not like you only ever think about San. It's not! You have projects to turn in, midterms coming up, pilates classes and brunches your mother scheduled. You even start texting Wooyoung a little bit.

Your mom is overjoyed knowing that and every time she catches you smiling at your phone- she thinks it's Wooyoung, probably trying to flirt with you or something but in reality, he's sending you memes he finds on Twitter.

But then, all of a sudden, San would come to your mind and you just needed to know what happens next. Do you become the next Yeojin as Boyoung takes your place?

You were nervous as you approached the door of San's unit. A guy from the frat San was in was leaving the building and probably recognized you from all the times he's seen you around San so he let you into the building but you usually never showed up unannounced like this.

With a deep breath, you ring the doorbell and wait, praying to God that it's not Yeosang who opens it. Of course, luck is never on your side because that's exactly who greets you as the doors pull open.

"Oh, it's you." Yeosang huffs and with an eye roll moves to the side, opening the door wider to let you in.

"Hey." You greet, because unlike Yeosang, you actually have some manners.

"Don't be fucking loud." He says bluntly with a stoic face, already approaching the door to his room, "No one wants to hear you fucking."

And with that, he disappears closing the door of his room shut.

You're left in the narrow hallway alone and you wipe your clammy hands on your skirt, making a beeline to San's room.

Knocking on the door, you hear shuffling from the other side and the sound of the desk chair moving and footsteps approaching the door.

San stands in front of you looking as beautiful as always. Hair falling over his forehead, in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. His brows furrow when he sees you.

"Y/N." He utters, watching as you push past him and enter his space. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh," You squeeze your eyes shut, embarrassed by the excuse that's about to leave your lips. "I came here for my scrunchie."

"Your...your scrunchie?" San echoes behind you and your cheeks flush. He's looking at you like you're bullshitting him which you are. Well, you did forget a scrunchie at his place but you couldn't give two fucks about it.

"I left it here!" You respond confidently, licking your lips and trying to stop the rapid pounding of your heart. "I need it back. It's my favorite one."

"Well, do you know where it might be?" San asks, eyes roaming over his room like he didn't notice any of your things in it before.

"Uh, I'm sure it's here somewhere..." You drag out, bitting on your bottom lip as you gaze around his room as well.

It's messy but in an organized sort of way, his desk is filled with books and open notebooks with notes scattered around it. Clothes are pilled up on a chair next to his window which he uses to sit on when he smokes. The shelves next to it are still bursting with knick-knacks and among them, you notice your hot pink, velvet scrunchie.

"Ha!" You happily walk over to it and pick up your scrunchie and show it to him proudly, with a small smile. "Here it is!"

San only nods in response, observing you as you plop down on his bed with feigned innocence.

"So, what's up?" You ask, trying not to make the desperation for him as obvious. You doubt you're doing a good job.

"Just..studying." San answers quietly, he seems almost awkward standing by his door and it's confusing you.

You pat a spot on his bed, next to you.

"Why are you standing over there for? Come sit." And in two strides, San sits down next to you with his legs spread out as he leans his elbows on his knees, his hands intertwining in front of him.

"Did you need anything else or-?"

"How are midterms going?" You interrupt, scooting a little bit closer to him. He looks down to the small space left between the two of you but doesn't comment on it which means he isn't bothered by it. Which means you still have a chance. Right?

"Uh, good, yeah." He nods and it's so awkward. San looks so out of his element, like he wants to jump up and create as much distance between the two of you as possible and it brings a pang of pain to your chest.

"What are you studying?" You question again, gripping onto straws of any conversation and just hoping that you can spend some more time with him. It's been so long since you've seen him, since you've been with him.

You haven't been in proper contact with him since the night of the party where you caught him kissing Son fucking Boyoung. And the first time you see him after that, he's with her...again. But if things escalate between the two of you, as they usually would, then it would mean it's all good. It would mean she's just like the others, she doesn't mean anything to him.

Except she got to kiss him. And be held by him at a party filled by other options. He chose to be with her two times in a row now.

But whatever. That doesn't have to mean anything.

Maybe San just wants her in his bed that bad that going out of his way to kiss her is the only way to fuck her. She seems like a prude.

"Math. Error Control Coding." He carelessly responds, eyes roaming over his room again as if it's so fucking interesting. As if he doesn't fucking live here and isn't familiar with the layout of it. Why won't he look at you? "I don't think you know what that is,so..."

And there it is. The insinuation that just because it's math, it's automatically not your thing. Because you're stupid. Daft. Vapid. An airhead.

"Right." You whisper. You could let this upset you, you want to let this upset you because little to San's knowledge, your father had you attending math academies since before you entered high school. You won bronze two times in a row at the Korean Mathematical Olympiad. You were fucking smart.

But San didn't care before when he was fucking you regularly and actually bothered to respond to your texts so you'd be damned to bring it up now, when he barely gave you the time of day.

You have no other choice but to be the Y/N that Choi San is best familiar with.

"Are you stressed, Sannie?" You whisper, hand daringly running through his soft black hair. San turns to you with a sigh at the gesture and it's all it takes for you to climb into his lap.

"I can help, you know." You comment, lips ghosting over the freckles on his neck and pressing a kiss below his ear. "I can help you relieve the stress, San."

For the first time, San seems hesitant and his hands stay glued to the mattress as you continue to layer kisses over his neck. You feel like crying.

He's so unresponsive, so not into it as he usually was. And you have a hunch as to why. You know.

But you would only admit it to yourself over your own dead boy. She means nothing to him. She's nothing.

Son Boyoung is a mediocre nobody. She isn't the reason San is behaving like this. He wouldn't rather have her than you and she is not the reason why he pushes you away the moment your hand trails under his sweatshirt.

"I'm not in the mood, Y/N." He mutters, pushing you of his lap as he stands up.

You sit up on the bed, watching him as he sighs, pulling out a cigarette before opening the window to let the chilly air in. He doesn't look at you as he lights up the cigarette, only sits down on the chair not caring of the clothes pilled on it and you have to press your lips to stop the tears from falling.

He rejected you. Choi San just fucking rejected you. Holy fuck.

"You're not in the mood?" You ask sarcastically, fisting his sheets. He doesn't respond only blows out the smoke through the window.

"Okay, what is going on with you?" You cut right to the chase and San turns to you, probably surprised to see the way your voice takes a serious turn. He isn't used to it, you never use it with him.

"Nothing is going on." He shrugs but his careless attitude contradicts the sharp stare he gives you, "I just don't want to have sex. I'm allowed to not want to have sex with you, Y/N. I know you might find it hard to believe."

"Wha-" You gasp, chuckling in disbelief before, standing up to glare at him. "We don't have to have sex, San, but I haven't seen you in weeks. You could at least answer my texts."

"I was busy." Is his response. Simple and curt. It makes you want to scream.

"With what? Who?" You quickly attack because if he's going to dump you then you want him to do it to your face. You're too good to just get ghosted after a year of running after him and bending over backwards to please him.

"There you go again-" San huffs, rolling his eyes and flicking his cigarette. "It's none of your business."

"None of my business?!"

"Yeah, none of your business!" He snaps back at you for the first time ever. Your face is flushed from both the embarrassment of the rejection but from just the hurt and anger because this is unfair. "You don't see me meddling about who you're spending your time with, do you?"

"You are such an asshole." You whisper, blinking away the tears. You won't cry in front of him. You refuse. He already thinks you're a whiny little bitch, you won't give him a reason to think you're weak as well.

"Oh, am I?" San chuckles bitterly, "And why is that? Because I don't wanna fuck you? Princess doesn't get her way for once and suddenly I'm the bad guy?"

"You know why!" You snap loudly, hands balling into fists at your sides. "You know exactly what you're doing, San! You always did! I'm not stupid!"

By that, you meant that San knew you were in love with him. Of course he knew. Everyone who ever got involved with Choi San somehow managed to fall in love with him, one way or the other. Get trapped in his twisted games of push and pull until it left the other party broken and he just moved on to someone else.

"Well, if you're not stupid then you'd know what our agreement was about and you wouldn't be acting like this right now!"

Your mouth clamps up shut because you know he's right. Technically speaking, if you weren't in love with Choi San and you both still had the same agreement, you wouldn't give a fuck if he answers your texts or not. You wouldn't have bothered to go out of your way to visit him like this.

But you are in love with him, that's an undisputed fact.

He sighs, eyes falling shut as he takes a second to calm down. When he opens them, his dark orbs meet your own.

"Y/N, nothing is going on, okay?" He says quietly, he motions to his desk. "I'm just stressed and trying to pass my midterms."

San is lying. You know it. He knows it. It's bullshit.

But you're willing to play stupid once again, after all it's what everyone else expects of you.

So you feed yourself some more lies; Son Boyoung isn't the reason for your current predicament. She definitely isn't the reason why Choi San has, out of nowhere, turned into a model student apparently that even sex is something he turns down in favor of studying. And she certainly isn't the reason why he suddenly 'wasn't in the mood' to fuck you.

Lying to yourself brings nothing but pain in the long run and yet, it does comfort you for the time being.

"Fine." You hiss out, not being able to drop the bratty attitude no matter how much you want to. You grab your bag from his bed and head to the door with a huff. "Call me when you actually get your shit together."

"Yeah, whatever." He mutters behind you and you want to scream at the nonchalance that he treats you with.

You stalk down his narrow hallway, heading to the front door. Once again, the bane of your existence also known as Kang Yeosang, thinks that's the perfect time to refill his water bottle.

"Oh, well that was quick." He comments like a smartass. You don't miss the amused smirk on his pretty face, letting you know that he heard the yelling from San's room.

"Fuck off, Yeosang!" You snap as you fling the door open and stalk through it, slamming it shut behind you.

When you arrive home and fling yourself on your bed, you spend the remainder of the night staring at your ceiling where Miguel The Skeleton keeps dancing from one corner of the room to the other.

He has a cute little red bow wrapped around his neck now.

You watch Hongjoong copy something into his notebook as you wait for Mingi to show up in the library the next day.

Hongjoong's hair is split dyed, one half black and the other white and he's dressed in a colorful hoodie and has his big rectangle glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He's so cute.

"I like your hair." You say mindlessly and Hongjoong pauses with his scribblings. He looks up at you with wide eyes.

"Thanks."

"Why do you sound so shocked? It looks good on you." You chuckle, brows knitting together.

"No, I..." Hongjoong laughs, shaking his head. "I know it looks good on me. I just had a feeling that you genuinely didn't want me around and that I was just annoying you by being around you when you're in here."

You stare at him, taken aback by the honest answer as your mouth hangs open and cheeks flush before you recollect yourself.

"That's not true." You say because you genuinely have nothing to say back and Hongjoong looks amused, mostly by the fact that he seems to have made the moment awkward.

He goes back to his scribblings and you fish for something to say. You don't know how to convince someone you actually like them as a friend because you don't like most of your other friends and they already know it as well.

"Uh, Mingi ripped me a new one for not having the practice books last time, so...I'm gonna go find them." You scramble to already stand up from the chair and Hongjoong hums in response.

He was so weird.

You shake your head and walk away to climb up to the second floor where the Computer Science section was.

There weren't many people in the library yet, mostly because classes were still being held. With a hum, you grab two practice books- one which you recognize because your professor mentioned it (and you have a feeling Mingi is the type of guy to never let you live that one down) and the other because it looked like it could be useful as well.

You're about to turn around and leave the section but hushed whispers and giggles make you stop in your tracks.

"San, knock it off!" Your throat seizes up and as if you're a robot, your feet move you closer to the source of the sound.

"Why? You like it." It's his voice. It's San. You've heard enough of his whispers to be able to recognize them anywhere.

You look through the small opening between a row of books and the wooden shelf and almost drop the practice books from your hands.

It's San and Boyoung and God, you're really fucking sick and tired of seeing them together.

San's arms are wrapped around her waist, face tucked into the crook of her neck where he seems to be placing kisses as she tries to push him away through giggles and with threats that she definitely doesn't mean because she looks like she doesn't want to be anywhere else but in his arms.

"Someone could see us." She whispers through a sigh as San places a kiss on her cheek and runs a hand through her loose hair.

"So what?" He shrugs with a smile. You can see his dimples and you want nothing more than to be able to hate them and him. And her.

"Can you just..." Boyoung pushes him jokingly one more time and San steps away with a breathy laugh but doesn't take his eyes away from her. "Can you just get me that book? You know, the reason I brought you here in the first place?"

"Oh, I thought you brought me here so we can make-out." He says and relaxes against the shelves opposite of you so you get a clear vision of him. He's still beautiful.

"San..." She whines in a soft tone that makes San smile the way he never, ever, fucking smiled at you and you feel your heart break over and over again.

"When will you let me take you out on a date?" San asks quietly and you can see Boyoung's face flush a scarlet red. It makes his grin widen.

“No.” You answer simply. “I just came here to talk to you.”

“Talk to me?” He asks but by the teasing tone of his voice and the smirk on his face, you know what he’s playing at. San didn’t want to seem desperate for anyone, it always had to be the other way around. “About what?”

“Just, you know…stuff.” Shrugging, you pursue your lips slightly in thought before deciding to bite the bullet. “Like, when you’re taking me on a date.”

You take pride in knowing that you caught him by surprise because his head whips to you for the second time, his eyes wide, brows raised and lips parted. It all falls into the water fairly quickly though, once he lets a laugh leave him.

“A date, huh?” And he’s back to his fucking work, screwing something in under the hood. His arms have oil stains on them and you shouldn’t find it as attractive as you do.

“Yes.” You say with the most confidence you could possibly muster, not letting your eyes falter for even a second from him.

“I don’t date, princess.” And San says it so softly, almost as if he’s trying to spare you the humiliation. But you never wanted to be spared.

The tears drop voluntarily down your cheeks and you press your lips together tightly to stop yourself from making a sound but your eyes can't look away from them.

"You..." Boyoung shakes her head, tucking herself into his embrace which he gladly accepts by wrapping his arms around her. "You're doing stuff to my heart."

San let's out a louder laugh at that and she smacks his chest gently to shush him.

"You're doing stuff to my heart too, baby, which is why I'm asking you out on a date." He looks down at her with a cheeky grin, "Do you want me to beg?"

His thumb is grazing her cheek and he's looking at her so lovingly. Then he kisses her gently and you have to get out of there.

The hinges are flying out, the door is falling off and the broken mechanisms are out for everyone to see as you run down the stairs of the library and to your table to collect your stuff.

You're crying, hiccupping, sobbing and everyone is fucking staring at you but you don't care this time. They can stare.

"Y/N?" Hongjoong asks hurriedly as you pack up your stuff as quickly as possible, you can't speak through the tears. "What's wrong? Where are you going?"

Throwing your notebook in your bag, you stop for a second trying to regulate your breathing before turning to him. "Tell Mingi I can't make it today."

"Wha- Wait, Y/N!"

He doesn't get to speak more because you're already out of the door.

Aroma Mocha is empty when you show up. If you weren't a mess, you'd wonder how this place isn't out of business by now but this time, you were glad.

You sit in the furthest corner, open up your sketchbook and start drawing as the tears fall. You manage to order a coffee through broken sniffles and you don't even care that the waiter probably thinks you're crazy.

You don't know how long you sit there. It could be hours. But your coffee is gone. You're about to order another when a strawberry smoothie is pushed your way.

Hongjoong slides into the seat opposite of you, taking off his jacket as he takes a sip from his own cup.

Neither of you speak, you just continue adding final touches to your drawing and Hongjoong is staring through the window next to you. You didn't even notice it started to rain.

"Mingi told me he saw you here, so I came." He says and motions to the pink smoothie in front of you, "Figured you had enough coffee so I ordered you something sweet."

You say nothing.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Hongjoong sighs quietly, eyes dancing to the rain outside again. "I just thought it would be better if you weren't alone."

Your eyes pick up at that and you focus on him. He's so small and gentle, with a heart almost too big for his own body and an insight on other people's feelings that could be nothing else but a burden.

"You were never annoying me." You start and he turns to you, "Sometimes, hanging out with you at the library would be the best part of my day, so...you were never annoying. I like spending time with you."

He nods with a small smile, you even notice a little blush on his face.

Hongjoong feels like a person you could tell anything to and he would never judge you.

"I feel in love with someone who I knew I should never expect anything from but I still did." You sniffle, dropping down the pencil. "And I don't want to talk about it but you need an explanation to what you saw today so there it is. I saw something that made me sad."

"Okay, thank you." He responds softly, eyes falling to your drawing.

You nod and say nothing more.

He clears his throat.

"Is that your new project?" He asks, motioning to your sketchbook in front of you and the drawing on the first page.

"No." You answer, pushing the sketchbook across the table and towards him. "It's just something stupid."

"It's really cute." Hongjoong smiles, staring at the sketch of the skeleton. His fingers trace over the words you've scribbled down as a title of the drawing. "Miguel The Skeleton. Are you going to turn this in somewhere?"

"What?" You scoff, "Of course not, it's horrible. I just draw stupid stuff like that sometimes."

Hongjoong seems deep in thought after he hears you, eyes glued to the paper in front of him before he looks up at you.

"Would you like to meet a professor of mine?"

The next day everything is officially over.

You walk into the cafeteria and spot San sitting at his usual spot along with Yeosang and Yunho but this time, there is a new addition to the group.

Boyoung is with them. Laughing at something Yunho said and eating her lunch, innocent and completely clueless to what's coming her way. The way San looks at her almost throws you off balance.

The way San looks at Boyoung is the way you look at him. The way your brother used to look at his girlfriend. The way Yeosang looks at-

This idiot. This fool.

San was fucking in love with her.

You walk up to their table with a bright smile at the same time San's smile fades once he catches sight of you approaching them.

"Well, isn't this just lovely?" You quip, throwing your bag down on the table and sitting right next to Yeosang.

"Oh Lord, here we go." Yeosang mutters but as always, you ignore him because all your attention is focused on the couple in front of you.

San is staring at you with hard eyes, you're not stupid and you know he's trying to tell you to keep your mouth shut with how hard he's staring at you.

But San always thought you were stupid before, so today, you'll be fucking stupid.

You turn to Boyoung who almost seems to shrink under your gaze and it causes your grin to widen.

"I don't think we met before. I'm Y/N." You hold your hand out to her and she clasps your hand in her soft one.

"Boyoung." She smiles timidly, eyes returning to her lunch and suddenly the table, which was filled with conversation before you arrived, is quiet.

"So..." You lean on the table by your elbows as you innocently look around, "what are we talking about?"

"Uh..." Yunho starts but is quickly cut off by Yeosang. The pretty Kang Yeosang who never spared you of his words before, so he doesn't this time either.

"It wasn't about you, Y/N. So why don't you leave?" He crosses his arms and looks to your side. You giggle.

"Careful, Yeosang. I can easily make it about me." You say with an easy smile as you make yourself comfortable in your seat. Yeosang pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue.

"We were talking about how Boyoung eats actual food, actually. Unlike some girls who think salads and a cube of cheese is enough to get them through the day." He smiles at you, knowing you recognized the jab and probably expecting you to blow up.

But Yeosang should've known better today.

Because it's not him you're going to go after. Not when Son Boyoung, pretty, innocent and timid is right in front of you.

Your eyes skip to her and you meet her nervous eyes. You don't really know why she's so scared of you, you haven't done anything. Yet.

As you look at her with dissecting eyes, you wonder if Boyoung's mother cooks her anything she wants when she goes home for the weekend. You wonder if when she was a teenager, did her mom allow her to eat as much as Boyoung wanted despite knowing she can gain weight. You wonder if her mother calls her every day to ask her if she is eating well.

Unlike yours who encourages you to skip meals. Unlike yours who made you eat steamed vegetables when the rest of the family was having delicious food. Unlike yours who strips you down every Sunday and makes you stand on a measuring scale.

"Yeosang." San warns and your eyes fleet to him. He's glaring at Yeosang, jaw clenched and it causes your own anger to spike.

Because the only time Choi San stood up to defend you against his friends was when he was afraid that you would take your anger out on his new plaything.

Your eyes are sharp and your smirk widens as you tilt your head to the side, fixating on Boyoung again.

"That's a really nice sweater, Boyoung." You compliment with a wide smile, eyeing the cobalt blue sweater she has on, "Really pretty color."

Boyoung's brows rise in genuine surprise before a small, shy smile settles on her lips and her shoulders relax. "Thank you."

You know you're going to hate yourself for it, it will eat you up inside. You've played the mean girl enough times but it was always to people who have wronged you. This girl didn't fucking deserve it.

But if there was anything you learned from your own mother- it was how to be a vicious bitch.

"And you know it's a good color when it looks good no matter who wears it."

Yunho's head slightly falls as a deep breath escapes him.

Boyoung's smile fades and cheeks flush as you just keep staring at her with a, now obviously, mocking smile. She looks around the rest of the table, eyes watering as the silence ensues.

"Y/N." It's San, his jaw is locked and eyes set on you. "Don't do this."

"Do what, San?" You ask innocently, leaning across the table a bit more to look straight into his eyes. "I just gave her a compliment."

He stays silent, all of them do but you can tell Yeosang is angry as well.

"So, Boyoung," You drive your attention back to her who sits with cheeks deeply red. "You're not usually the type of girl San is into."

Your eyes asses her once more, glossing over each imperfection that you know she is already aware of. She seems like the type of girl who is insecure in her looks, despite the fact that she's pretty.

"Y/N." San warns but you ignore him. You know he doesn't want to make a scene but you're not going without one.

She will go home tonight and compare herself to you.

Turning to San, you shake your head as a small laugh escapes you. Like the two of you are sharing an inner joke. But San is glaring.

"You would hook up with just about anyone these days." You comment to San like she's not even here. San places his hands on the table to stand up but it's Yeosang that speaks.

"Alright, that's enough! You've made your point, Y/N." Yeosang's face is red as well and you wonder if he feels partly guilty for Boyoung's discomfort.

"Oh, my point?" You mockingly smile. "I haven't even started making my point."

"Y/N, leave!" San is quick to intervene but you turn to Boyoung who looks like a lamb brought to slaughter.

A wicked smile grows on your lips.

"You're not that pretty and you're not that smart either if you believe you have an actual chance with him, so the only logical option is that you're a virgin." Boyoung's blush deepens and she blinks away the tears, you chuckle. "Of course. Of course San would be into that."

"Y/N, enough."

Looking into San's eyes you see nothing but hate. It only makes you desperate to hurt her more.

"He always had a knack for ruining things." Giving Boyoung one last look, she's crying. "I advise you to find someone in your own league and stick to them. God knows you wouldn't have many options-"

"Get the fuck up." San says standing up from his own seat as he glares at you. He's angry, you can tell. And it might even scare you a little.

You stand up slowly, trying to seem unbothered as you place your bag over your shoulder. San grabs you by the wrist and drags you out of the cafeteria, every single pair of eyes stuck to you as you grit your teeth and try not to stumble after him.

When you're in the hallway, he flings you away so fast that you almost stumble into the wall. You turn to face him with a glare of your own.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" San hisses as he steps closer to you so he wouldn't have to yell.

"Is it over? Is it over between us?" You ask in a shaky voice, all pretenses falling away. San looks at you like you're actually stupid.

"Over between us?! There is nothing to be over with, Y/N, we were never anything!" He spits out, looking at you like you're gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

"How can you say that?" You whisper, tears lining up and ready to fall. "We slept together for a year, San! Even if it was just sex, when were you planning on telling me!?"

"I don't owe you shit." He says lowly, getting even closer to you and making you back up into the wall.

"You do owe me that!" You exclaim loudly, pushing him by the chest away from you. "I deserved to fucking know!"

You near him now, pointing a finger at him. "We slept together for a whole fucking year. I'm not one of your one-night stands, I deserved to know that I shouldn't fucking wait around for you anymore!"

"Wait around for me?" San asks, his voice gruff.

You take a deep breath before looking up at him once again.

"I'm in love with you." You whisper and his face falls.

Before he lets out a laugh. You just stare at him, watching him laugh as the tears roll down your cheeks, staining the collar of your blouse.

"You're fucking crazy." San finally responds and you feel something in your chest hollow out.

"Don't call me that." You whisper, eyes going to the white tiles of the hallway.

"What? Crazy?" He asks mockingly, "It's what you are. You're fucking crazy."

"I said don't fucking call me that!" You yell out and even San is stunned by the volume before he opens up his arms taking a few steps away from you.

"Look around you." He motions to the hallway and the people shocked by your scream as they pass by and whisper amongst themselves. "You say not to call you crazy but look at the scene you've created in here, in there."

Your wrap your arms around yourself, leaning your back against the wall for support as your bottom lip trembles. You're almost too aware of the eyes on you as they pass by.

San steps closer to you again, getting so close that it's almost too hard to breathe.

"You're not in love with me. If you were, you wouldn't have just tried to ruin the one thing that makes me fucking happy. You're in love with the idea of me, Y/N." San whispers, "You're in love with the guy you met freshman year on that balcony after going through something enough to traumatize you and I comforted you."

"That's why I thought that you might change your mind!" You cry out to him but his eyes are dark and blank, "That's why I thought you might care because you were so swee-"

"I only said what I knew you wanted to hear and what I knew would get me laid."

You look at him in disbelief, mouth opening to talk but nothing comes out and all you feel is complete and utter devastation.

"Do you really think I gave a fuck about your crappy artwork or anything else about you?" San hisses, brows furrowed as he pulls his hand away from you when you try to grab it. Latch onto him.

Yeosang and Yunho are the ones to put up the pink tombstone and they leave shortly after. San is nowhere to be found. No one comes to your funeral.

It says; Here lies Park Y/N, The Dumbest Fucking Bitch There Ever Was.

Next to your birth date, the day that Choi San breaks you apart in the hallway of the main building on campus is engraved as the day of your passing.

"Whether you're in love with me or not, I don't give a fuck. Stay away from me, from Boyoung, from my friends. Stay out of my life because we're done."

#san x reader #ateez x reader #ateez angst #choi san

[dmtreasury]

Survivor's Handbook (Preview) Ruleset Expansion by Saga of New World

[+ Advice in comments of reddit thread HERE]

#saga of a new world #survivor's handbook #link #links #source #sources #source linked

[be-gay-do-several-crimes]

The difference with the disorders of ASPD, psychopathy and NPD versus the 150-something other disorders in the DSM is that they function completely differently because they are PERSONALITY disorders and not regular disorders.

Personality disorders cause dysfunction with opinions, feelings, observations, empathy, perceptions and relationships. The way they see every event, instance, and conversation is coming from a distorted perception. They can be aware of this distorted perception but one of the main symptoms of these disorders is a lack of self-awareness and always believing one is right and never wrong, which is very common with cluster b disorders. Self-awareness is also a spectrum, not black and white as many people get wrong. They're not just "different" with their opinions and perceptions (everybody has different feelings and opinions) but they're maladaptive and unhealthy.

ASPD and NPD major/common symptoms from research (not just taking from the DSM I've been researching them for a decade now): revenge-prone (often from distorted perceptions but can certainly be from a non-distorted perception), entitlement issues, lack of empathy toward others, manipulation, deception, exploitation/supply-seeking, victim-complex and can't see fault in ones own behaviors chronically so- meaning they see themselves as perfect and don't take accountability for any little mistakes or wrongs, love-bombing then devaluing cycles which causes Stockholm syndrome, projection, possessiveness in relationships, extreme jealousy and envy issues in relationships or with peers, poor and abusive relationships.

While something like ADHD has issues with attention, focus staying on one task that isn't scary or bad, just distressing for the disordered individual. Anxiety disorders have symptoms like overthinking, feeling jittery or on edge, feeling distressed about the future, etc. Other disorders have issues with normal things that only distress the individual suffering from said disorder, they're not dangerous.

However, people with ASPD and NPD have symptoms that make them dangerous to themselves AND others, causing distress to both themselves AND others.

Yes, people with ASPD and NPD are certainly distressed as well from the consequences of their actions and lack of ability to love another person, thus making relationships unfulfilling. But they bring distress to people around them as well and just as much if not worse.

ASPD, psychopathy and narcissists are vindictive as a PERSONALITY trait and if you do your research properly - revenge as a maladaptive personality trait is a hallmark of ASPD and psychopathy, not just a one time thing like a 17 year old girl getting revenge with her best friend on her cheating partner (teenagers are impulsive and dumb they'd be more prone to this behavior than adults). But with personality disorders it is a pattern of behavior. And their revenge-seeking is an epidemic in the world of psychological abuse survivors because that's often what psychological abuse survivors complain of is the cluster-b persons vindictive behavior towards them for unrighteous reasons, that the cluster b thinks is righteous but thats the distortions and delusions they have. And part of that maladaptive trait is along with the lack of emotional (sometimes cognitive) empathy they don't have that line in the sand they won't cross, meaning they don't have limits on how far they're willing to hurt people making them inherently wrong for their behaviors.

People with cluster b disorders have danger behaviors, disregard the RIGHTS over others which is inherently abusive and cruel behavior, they have exploitative, entitled, and generally shitty behaviors make up a majority of their personality disorder traits. It's disorders that have to do with HARMING and disregarding other people whereas disorders like ADHD don't do that.

Neuroscientists psychopathy and ASPD:

Dr Keel

Dr. Raine

Dr. Robert Hare 

Dr Kevin Dutton

Books: 

Handbook of psychopathy

Hervey Cleckley's original 1940's checklist that Hare basically admitted the PCL-R is based off of.

Npd:

Dr kernberg

Dr. W. Keith Campbell

Dr. Kraig malkin 

Dr. James Masterson

Dr Steve reed

Dr Elinor Greenberg 

Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen, a psychoanalyst

Frank Yeomans

was this meant for somebody else? and are you trying to call me an abuser cause i have npd? im genuinely confused i cant process this much text at once sorry

#asks :D #anon

[sourholland]

based off of taylor swift’s song style

a/n → welcome to the first part of style!! if you guys enjoy this i can for sure come up with a more permanent updating schedule. like i said, i came up with this idea pretty suddenly. let me know to be added to the taglist, interaction is always encouraged if you like!!! it lets me know you guys want more parts

summary → he’s the quarterback of the cincinnati bengals, a worldwide heartthrob with an ego the size of lake erie—but does he have the heart to match it? you’re the bengals newest cheerleader, desperate to prove how much you deserve your spot on the team. it doesn’t take much to catch the eye of joe burrow, however that isn’t necessarily a good thing when you’re told that any romantic relations between cheerleaders and players is strictly prohibited.

warnings → strong language, alcohol use, mention of injury, nsfw content

word count → 4.1k

reblog and leave some comments if you enjoy!!!

SERIES MASTERLIST

Chapter 1

After a rigorous auditioning process with over a thousand girls trying to earn their spot on the Bengal’s Cheerleading Squad, only forty made the cut. Most returners, some new like yourself. You’d watched girls break bones, continuing to audition on them to have a shot on the squad. Many left in tears, cut and sent home with hardly any reason why.

There was a little bit of metaphorical survivor’s guilt after you’d made the team, knowing this wasn’t your dream like it was for some others. This was only a season or two commitment for you while you finished up your last year of college. Then you’d become a teacher, something you’d had a passion for over the years. Cheerleading was more so a hobby, you’d danced all of your life and had cheered in high school. This wasn’t going to be your livelihood, nor did it offer you the funds to live off of for more than a short while.

There were plenty of rules to follow, many of which had you questioning if this was truly what you wanted. The handbook they’d given you was thick, although some of the girls had told you that they’d lessened up on the requirements over the years after a lawsuit had been filed. In the end, it wasn’t so bad. Tedious, but still a very surreal experience.

From about April to the middle of July, it was practice twice a week from 7:30 at night to about 11. There was a separate facility used to work and condition through the colder months, just following the Super Bowl. Once pre-season truly began, the whole team moved practice facilities. This put you in the same place as the Bengals practiced, giving you more field time than gym time to get acclimated. It was different, especially due to the fact that players and cheerleaders were placed at an arms length most of the time.

The afternoon of the first practice at the new stadium, you’d all been given the talk. This was basically your coaches and executives way of saying that if anyone found out that anyone off the squad had anything more than a friendly, professional relationship with one of the players—they’d be either cut or sanctioned. It was bad for the image of the team, making it bad for those in charge.

It shouldn’t have been a problem.

That first night practice in August was tough, you were coming off of a sprained ankle and the heat was blistering even at 8 at night. Amanda, your head coach, sent you inside to grab some ice from the athletic trainer to bring back out to the field. There was a stigma around the coaching and treatment of NFL cheerleaders, but you’d mostly had a decent experience so far. Your coaches did care that you were healthy and equipped to cheer.

Adorned in a slightly baggy Bengals T-shirt and spandex, you walked through the empty halls of the mostly deserted facility. The players had just ended their practice about an hour earlier, you watched them all exit into the locker room. That meant that mostly everyone had called it a night, heading home. The cheerleaders stayed late because practice was meant to be after work or class, it wasn’t a full-time job.

The door to the athletic trainers office was slightly ajar, the light on. Pushing it open slightly, you stepped in with furrowed eyebrows and a curious look. On the large medical table, ice in hand, sat Joe Borrow still in his practice jersey and shorts. The office was empty besides him, trainer nowhere to be seen.

He was a good looking guy, you’d give him that. Maybe it was the fact that he was 6’4 or maybe it was the fact that he was really fucking good at his sport. He looked up at you and gave a friendly grin, laying the ice on his knee.

“Emily said she was heading home about a half hour ago, her kid was sick or something so she had to pick him up from the babysitter,” Joe told you politely. “I came in just as she was like walking out, she just told me to lock up the office when I was done.”

Someone was clearly a rambler.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I was just going to grab some ice.”

He nodded and went silent while you walked over to the ice maker, taking the plastic scooper and putting some of it into a plastic bag. He was still looking at you, making it obvious as you saw him from your peripheral. Twisting the bag, you felt slightly awkward just standing there in silence.

“I’m Joe,” he spoke again.

“Y/N,” you turned back towards him. “It’s nice to meet you.”

He extended a hand towards you, smiling as you took it and shook it softly. When you broke from his grip, he remained looking at you. He was definitely one of those people who looked you right in the eyes through the entire conversation. You didn’t know if this made you particularly uncomfortable or slightly excited.

“You’re a cheerleader.”

“Was that a question?” You chuckled, “I think that’s pretty obvious.”

“No, no. I was kind of just thinking out loud.”

He was easily flustered, that much was obvious. He repositioned the bag of ice and looked back up at you with slightly pink cheeks. This made you want to crack a grin, feeling like you were talking to a boy for the first time ever or something.

“I should head back to practice,” you told him, watching him slowly nod in understanding.

“Yeah, of course,” Joe smiled. “It was nice meeting you, Y/N.”

Walking out of the athletic trainer’s office felt somewhat like developing a crush in sixth grade of sorts. With hot cheeks, you could not get him out of your head for the remainder of practice. Whether it was his stupid hair or his stupid shit-eating grin, or his stupidly toned body.

The drive home was only a twenty-five minute stretch of turning back the interaction in your mind over and over with Phoebe Bridgers playing lightly in the background. Pulling into your apartment complex garage was when you’d finally resorted to telling yourself to leave it be and take a cold shower. This boy was not worth thinking too hard about.

You turned the key over and cut the vehicle off, grabbing your phone and cheer bag to head to the elevator. The walk up was somewhat somber after a hard practice with a racing mind.

By the time you’d made it up to your front door, you glanced down at your phone to check the time. There were several unopened notifications, nothing out of the ordinary at first glance. One immediately stuck out to you, though.

joeyb_9 started following you.

“What the fuck,” you mumbled to yourself, nearly dropping your keys as you unlocked the door.

There was a small part of you that was excited by this, he was one of the most sought after players in the NFL—who wouldn’t be a bit flattered? Only there was a small part of you that wondered why he was going out of his way to search up your instagram.

Setting your phone down, you resorted to making yourself a quick dinner. Watching your phone light up from where you stood across the kitchen making yourself a wrap was slightly unnerving.

Once you finally couldn’t resist any longer, you sauntered over to grab your phone off of the island. He’d sent you two DMs. One right after the other.

@joeyb_9: Hey

@joeyb_9: It’s Joe.

This boy was either extremely humble or just plain stupid. His ability to continue to tell you that it was Joe—like you wouldn’t know who Joe Burrow was.

@y/n.y/l/n: I’m aware

@y/n.y/l/n: Missing me already?

@joeyb_9: Maybe…

There was a slight pause in between his next message, you weren’t sure what to say to that. This was already pretty bizarre and very against the code of conduct you signed at the start of your cheer season.

@joeyb_9: Sorry if this is weird

@y/n.y/l/n: That you’re sliding into my dms lol?

@joeyb_9: Is that what this is??

@y/n.y/l/n: You use that on all the girls, Joe?

@joeyb_9: Would you believe me if I said no?

@y/n.y/l/n: Probably not lmfao

@joeyb_9: That’s fair, I probably wouldn’t either

This was the point in the conversation where you always wondered what to do. It also was pretty obvious that you were not the only girl Joe Burrow probably private messaged on instagram. He’d probably long forget about you by morning and the few hours of your stomach doing backflips at every message would cease.

@y/n.y/l/n: Alright, I’m headed to bed.

@y/n.y/l/n: Was nice meeting you earlier. Have a goodnight!

@joeyb_9: Goodnight, Y/N :)

The smiley face was only slightly scream inducing. He was a nice guy, but he was not just any guy. This was the type of guy that charms you straight into bed and is gone before you wake up. This was what you reminded yourself at least.

-

The next day was fairly simple, the thought of Joe escaping you almost entirely by lunch. Classes hadn’t yet begun, making it easy for you to go out with girlfriends and get your mind off of any failed talking stages or unattainable guys like Joe Burrow.

“He’s hot as fuck, though,” Lena said, eyes closed as she laid on a towel beside you.

It was a lake day, the heat beading down on the both of you as you felt the sun on your bikini clad skin. On your right and left was Lena and Sydney, both close friends from college. Lena had been your freshman year roommate.

“He is,” Sydney agreed. “Plus, I mean, you can’t say you didn’t think about it a little bit when you started cheering for the Bengals.”

“Okay, screw you!” You laughed. “It’s not some fucking erotica, I don’t cheer hoping to sleep with one of the players.”

“Kind of a turn on, though,” Lena hummed.

Once the three of you had made it onto Lena’s boyfriend’s party barge, you broke out the Mike’s Hard and Twisted Tea. This only led to endless giggling about Joe and pretty much any guy they’d heard you have spoken to since high school.

Living in Ohio had its faults, like the fact that there was no ocean. Lake days on the boat weren’t so bad, though. Sydney had a gift for taking hot pictures too. Her camera skills truly did capture your ass at its best, and your skin glowing.

“Post those,” Lena told you. “See if Mr. Joe Sheisty will like them.”

“He won’t,” you sighed. “He definitely was just fucking around last night.”

They both rolled their eyes and sat back as the boat bobbled a little. While the idea of entertaining Joe was slightly enticing, it was so against the rules and you really couldn’t afford to get kicked off the squad before the first actual game of the season.

The alcohol kind of skewed your judgement, though. Making it fairly easy for you to post the bikini pictures and keep refreshing the likes. You weren’t necessarily proud, but it was hard to resist the urge to match his energy of private messaging you.

A few hours after you made it home, the notification popped up on your screen. You were midway through stretching to work on your routine for your next practice.

joeyb_9 liked your post.

@joeyb_9: Would it be wrong to tell you how gorgeous you are?

This just about sent you over the edge. You’d thought your days of dms from Joe Burrow were done and the novelty would’ve worn off after he’d slept on it.

@y/n.y/l/n: Slightly wrong

@joeyb_9: Fine by me

Swiping out of the instagram app, you decided that you needed to continue your stretch and practice. There was a night practice tomorrow and you couldn’t afford to show up unprepared, this would only end in worse things than flirting with Joe.

Between ab exercises and strength training, you’d been able to glance down at your phone with no more texts received. Of course, you had left him on read. It was pretty obvious his intentions, though. At least it seemed it.

-

Practice was strenuous, it was only three nights of the weeks so the coaches made sure to push each girl to their limit each night. By the last thirty minutes of practice, your ankle was on fire.

They’d made you run through the stunting over and over again, launching you into the air and cradling you over and over again. The stadium lights were gleaming onto you, your face coated in a thin layer of perspiration.

Through your peripheral, you could see Joe leaning against the doorframe of the stadium support office. He was pretending to scroll through his phone, glancing up and watching every couple of seconds. The players had a practiced later tonight, but still had been done for over forty five minutes.

Every time they sent you up, you were reminded of your distractions. A coach would yell to point your toes, or smile bigger, or suck in harder. Physically, you were exhausted. Mentally, you had already checked out of practice completely.

“Did any of you see Joe?” Carolina asked in a hushed voice, picking up her things as practice ended, ready to head inside. “He was watching for like a half hour.”

“Really?” Johnna smirked. “Alright, which one of you is he sleeping with? I won’t tell, I just have to know,” she teased.

The girls continued to discuss it bashfully all the way inside. Joe was nowhere to be seen, making you wonder if he’d even been there to watch you at all. Truly, you were feeding your own delusions. There were so many girls on the team, he was bound to find interest in the group as a whole. That was sort of the whole appeal.

Just as you finished up showering in the locker room, you heard the ding of your phone. Another message from Joe.

@joeyb_9: Hey, I’m in the parking lot. Down for getting something to eat?

The overwhelming feeling of excitement and guilt passed over you. This was so against the rules, and this guy was such a player. It was not worth it, but a part of you didn’t care. You were only twenty one once, wasn’t this the kind of thing you did.

@y/n.y/l/n: Give me like 10 minutes

He liked the message, giving you some time to slip into the white dress you’d thrown in the bag. It was kind of wrinkled, the type of thing you’d put over a bikini leaving the beach. The true definition of a sundress. There were Birks at the bottom of your bag. The August heat was still very sticky and humid, even at almost midnight.

There wasn’t much else in your bag, you let your hair down from its claw clip and used the mascara in your bag to at least lift your lashes. Some Glossier cloud paint and brow gel and you were left with nothing else really. It wasn’t often you needed to do much to your face after practice. You mostly had the few things you did for morning practices before classes.

The walk out to his car was slightly dehumanizing, knowing how badly you were breaking the rules right now. He had turned his headlights off, inside dark and hard to see from an outside perspective. He’d messaged you that he was in a black Porsche, which was telling.

Once you opened the door and the small yellow light came on, you could see him in a white T-shirt and black sweatpants. His hair was familiarly slicked back, smirk on his face as he watched you step in.

“You’re going to bring me back to pick up my car, right?” You asked, knowing your car would reside in the parking lot until you came back.

“Yes,” he laughed. “I’ll bring you back to grab your car.”

The car smelled very fresh, you threw you cheer bag in his backseat. It laid next to his football bag, his practice jersey crumbled up and stuffed in carelessly.

He put the car in reverse and pulled out of the lot. It was a comfortable silence for about a minute before he began babbling about watching you practice. You’d never heard a boy so enthused to know about stunting and what it meant to be a flyer.

“What if they drop you, though?” He looked over at you. “Does that happen ever?”

“Well—yes. I kind of just have to get back up and try again or some other girl will take the flyer position. It’s not really something I can control.”

“That’s like crazy,” he mumbled, fully serious.

His radio hummed the sound of Pink Floyd, making you grin. He was a fan of older rock. That, you wouldn’t have guessed. Joe tapped his fingers along the steering wheel, smiling every time he saw you looking at him.

“Do you like Mcdonald’s?” He asked, ready to put his blinker on and pull into the drive thru.

“Yeah,” you chuckled. “Who doesn’t?”

He got up to the menu and glanced over it for a second, looking to you for what you wanted. As you told him, he laughed at you for not wanting a burger. This made you teasingly shove him in the arm.

“Welcome to Mcdonald’s. What can I get for you?”

“Alright,” Joe started. “Can I get a Double Quarter Pounder with onions, a large fry, and a large chocolate shake. Then can I get a ten piece chicken nugget and a large Dr. Pepper.”

“Will that be all?”

“Yeah, that’s gonna be it.”

Joe pulled up, still laughing about the fact that you went through a drive thru and got chicken nuggets on purpose. He slid his wallet out of his back pocket, giving you a funny look when you tried to hand him your card.

Pulling up to the first window, he gave the woman his debit card. You turned away from the window, making sure if she did recognize Joe, she would not be able to make out your face. While it was unlikely, it was just too risky. You did the same at the next window, Joe pulling the bag into the car and setting both drinks into the cup holder.

“Alright, I got a good spot to eat,” he said.

Cincinnati had plenty of spots you were unaware of, so when he continued to drive you out of the main part of the city, you were blissfully unaware of where you were. Either this was a ploy to murder you, or he just really liked surprises. After all, you were the one who got into his car.

Once he finally parked at the location, it was pushing one in the morning. It was a deserted lookout, a beautiful view of Cincinnati. The city looked lit up from this view, making your smile at that the gesture.

“The food might be slightly cold by now, but I really just wanted to bring you up here,” he said with a sigh as he sucked down the last of his milkshake.

“Here, have some,” you chuckled and handed him your soda.

The two of you ate, looking out at the city. The small talk was nice, he asked about cheerleading and you asked about football. Joe told you about his family and you asked about his hobbies. By the time you’d been sitting for a half hour, you were trying to throw french fries into his mouth without missing.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking,” you laughed nervously. “Why did you want me to come here with you, Joe? I mean, it’s all really nice and I’ve had a great time. Just why?”

He was silent for a moment, taking a sip from your soda. The question was kind of sudden, but you had to know. You’d only met a few days before, and this guy definitely had no trouble picking up women. So why you?

“Honestly, I just haven’t been able to get you out of my head,” he chuckled. “As stupid as that sounds out loud. I knew you might not go for this, but I thought maybe it’d be worth asking you.”

Your stomach flipped, his hair falling slightly into his eyes. The swell of his arms underneath that white T-shirt. This guy was insanely good looking, and maybe he was just saying what you wanted to hear, but you did really want to hear it.

Now, it wasn’t necessarily a good idea to look at him the way you were. It was impossible not to, though. Like clockwork, he was leaning into you full force and you let your hands go to his hair. His lips were hard on yours, desperate and hot. It was one of those kisses that wasn’t gentle nor rough, but completely and incandescently full of desperation.

Letting your hands slide down his body, you pulled at the white shirt, letting him know it was okay to run his hands up and down your torso. There was a middle console between you, making it hard to truly do much.

“Backseat?” You pulled away.

“Are you sure?” He asked, breathing heavy with swollen lips.

You nodded, he got out of the driver side and threw both bags in the front. Slipping back from the passenger seat, he got in through the back door. Immediately you’d both found each other again, bodies on fire. He let you get on top, straddling his thighs and kissing his throat.

Soon his hands found your breasts, leaving you to let our breathy whimpers. His lips were soon on your neck, sucking hard enough that it might leave a mark. You couldn’t find it in yourself to care, pulling his shirt off and letting him do the same with your dress.

Left in your underwear and bra, his fingers grazed overtop of the fabric. His name left your lips in pleas, making his erection grow increasingly more obvious. He was watching you rock back and forth on his fingers, the windows of the car steamy.

“Fuck me,” you breathed. “Please, Joe. Fuck me.”

He unclasped your bra, letting his lips trail from your pulse point at the throat down to your collarbone, then to the bud of your nipple. He played with the other with his fingers, leaving you a whimpering mess. He felt you grind on his clothed erection, sending him into a spiraling mess as he sucked harder and harder, fingers slipping underneath the fabric and inside of you.

Eventually, when you couldn’t take it anymore, you pulled at the waistband of his sweatpants and let him help you to pull them down his thighs. He wore white Calvin Kleins’s, cock very clearly erect and begging to be let out from the constriction.

He slipped his fingers out and took the hem of the underwear, tearing the fabric in half. This made you slap his arm, muttering something about how those were Aerie and expensive.

“I’ll get you another pair,” he kissed you again.

You sat up on top of him, aligning yourself and letting his length sink into you. There was sweat dripping off of both of you, burying your head into his neck.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he groaned. “Yeah, just like that. Good girl.”

It was like nothing mattered except for this moment, you weren’t thinking about the consequences of your actions, or why it was wrong. He steadied your hips and held your jaw, looking you in the eyes at each thrust until you both came undone. Neither of you had regulated breathing, the whole car smelled like a mix of sex and his cologne.

“Fuck,” you sighed, head dropping onto his shoulder.

Slowly, you got off of his lap and let the realization of what you’d just done hit you. Here you were, in the back seat of Joe Burrow’s Porsche, having just had car sex. Now you had no underwear as well.

He pulled his underwear and sweatpants up, looking over at you and pushing his hair back out of his eyes. There was something funny about the entire situation, making you nearly bust into a fit of giggles.

“Are you laughing?” He teased.

“A little,” you laid your head against the seat.

He leaned forward and grabbed the Dr. Pepper from the middle console, taking a long sip and holding it out to you. You were pretty sure this wasn’t one of the five love languages, but it worked nonetheless.

taglist - @cutegyrl927 @angelspovxo @humannoodlesoup @nikkisimps @kriss-harrington @wooahaeuji @teasandcrumpets

let me know to be added to the taglist

#joe burrow fluff #joe burrow x reader #joe burrow imagines #joe burrow blurb #joe burrow imagine #joe burrow smut #joe burrow fan fic #joe burrow series #joe burrow x yn #joe sheisty #joe burrow #joe burrow x oc #joe burrow blurbs #elle’s fics

[throatcutta]

The difference with the disorders of ASPD, psychopathy and NPD versus the 150-something other disorders in the DSM is that they function completely differently because they are PERSONALITY disorders and not regular disorders.

Personality disorders cause dysfunction with opinions, feelings, observations, empathy, perceptions and relationships. The way they see every event, instance, and conversation is coming from a distorted perception. They can be aware of this distorted perception but one of the main symptoms of these disorders is a lack of self-awareness and always believing one is right and never wrong, which is very common with cluster b disorders. Self-awareness is also a spectrum, not black and white as many people get wrong. They're not just "different" with their opinions and perceptions (everybody has different feelings and opinions) but they're maladaptive and unhealthy.

ASPD and NPD major/common symptoms from research (not just taking from the DSM I've been researching them for a decade now): revenge-prone (often from distorted perceptions but can certainly be from a non-distorted perception), entitlement issues, lack of empathy toward others, manipulation, deception, exploitation/supply-seeking, victim-complex and can't see fault in ones own behaviors chronically so- meaning they see themselves as perfect and don't take accountability for any little mistakes or wrongs, love-bombing then devaluing cycles which causes Stockholm syndrome, projection, possessiveness in relationships, extreme jealousy and envy issues in relationships or with peers, poor and abusive relationships.

While something like ADHD has issues with attention, focus staying on one task that isn't scary or bad, just distressing for the disordered individual. Anxiety disorders have symptoms like overthinking, feeling jittery or on edge, feeling distressed about the future, etc. Other disorders have issues with normal things that only distress the individual suffering from said disorder, they're not dangerous.

However, people with ASPD and NPD have symptoms that make them dangerous to themselves AND others, causing distress to both themselves AND others.

Yes, people with ASPD and NPD are certainly distressed as well from the consequences of their actions and lack of ability to love another person, thus making relationships unfulfilling. But they bring distress to people around them as well and just as much if not worse.

ASPD, psychopathy and narcissists are vindictive as a PERSONALITY trait and if you do your research properly - revenge as a maladaptive personality trait is a hallmark of ASPD and psychopathy, not just a one time thing like a 17 year old girl getting revenge with her best friend on her cheating partner (teenagers are impulsive and dumb they'd be more prone to this behavior than adults). But with personality disorders it is a pattern of behavior. And their revenge-seeking is an epidemic in the world of psychological abuse survivors because that's often what psychological abuse survivors complain of is the cluster-b persons vindictive behavior towards them for unrighteous reasons, that the cluster b thinks is righteous but thats the distortions and delusions they have. And part of that maladaptive trait is along with the lack of emotional (sometimes cognitive) empathy they don't have that line in the sand they won't cross, meaning they don't have limits on how far they're willing to hurt people making them inherently wrong for their behaviors.

Neuroscientists psychopathy and ASPD:

Dr Keel

Dr. Raine

Dr. Robert Hare 

Dr Kevin Dutton

Books: 

Handbook of psychopathy

Hervey Cleckley's original 1940's checklist that Hare basically admitted the PCL-R is based off of.

Npd:

Dr kernberg

Dr. W. Keith Campbell

Dr. Kraig malkin 

Dr. James Masterson

Dr Steve reed

Dr Elinor Greenberg 

Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen, a psychoanalyst

Get a diary girl cause what the hell is this 💀💀💀💀💀.

[gcldfanged]

I really want to explore some 'unpalatable' parts of recovery but I'm also afraid people won't understand it because they've never been though it? Like, I don't want to write about these things to be 'edgy', but because I NEVER see it get talked about unless it's very specific like Trauma Survivor's Handbook/The Body Keeps the Score type literature.

I want other people to read it and maybe be a little more kind towards others who have been victims and may be struggling with similar feelings, but I also know fandom's morality culture will probably burn me at the stake despite claiming to be supportive.

#◈ ooc

[ceph-the-ghost-writer]

🌙 Moon: Do any of your OCs have dark backstories or secrets they’re trying to keep hidden?

🥧 Pie: Which of your characters takes care of the others around them? How do they take care of themselves?

For the fall ask game :D

( @angsty-prompt-hole )

From the Fall-tastic Asks

@angsty-prompt-hole

🌙 Moon: Do any of your OCs have dark backstories or secrets they're trying to keep hidden?

But of course. (Content Advisory: passing mentions of natural disaster, death, murder, transphobia, scars, abusive parents/guardians, religious abuse, self-isolation/neglect)

Isaac: Saw his entire family killed and eaten by a werewolf. Said werewolf happens to be the patron of the department he devoted ten years of his life to. Carries the scars from this on his back along with a load of survivor's guilt/PTSD.

Renato: Grew up trans as the world was falling apart from a climate/magical cataclysm. Witnessed countless deaths, saw his own parents die as the ship they were on sank. Helped drown a man at 15 to protect his best friend, Oleander. Was manipulated into becoming a vampire and an agent for an oppressive organization by his sire/father figure.

Oleander: Also grew up trans as the world was falling apart from a climate/magical cataclysm, but it was made worse by her family being in an apocalyptic cult. Was forced into a conversion program when she confided having Gender Thoughts™ at 13 to her mother. Still bears a cross-shaped brand on the back of her right hand. Escaped and was adopted by the same vampire as Renato. Hunted down her remaining brothers and father after she turned. Regrets nothing.

Kinslayer: Had their soul mutilated by a god of light and order as part of an experiment to "help" humans. Is now the most powerful psychic vampire in the world, but is forever hungry and destined to self-destruct, taking the universe with them. Is on a quest to avert this fate, but time is running short.

Cassius Mergus: Was a middling vampire from the realm next door to Earth until he came to our world and started taking advantage of our limited magical knowledge. Befriended a brilliant alchemist, then murdered him to steal his idea of forming a network of supernatural cooperation. Turned said idea into an oppressive organization where he's at the top of the food chain. Recruited a ruthless necromancer, psychic vampire torturer, evil werewolf family, and *ahem* super cool poltergeist to aid him in his quest for power. Made infinitely worse by how Mergus is so damn likable in person.

🥧 Pie: Which of your characters takes care of the others around them? How do they take care of themselves?

Here's another area where Mergus excels, making him that much more effective at what he does. It's like he memorized the Evil Overlord Handbook. He treats all his subordinates so well that the majority blame themselves when/if he disposes of them. Mergus remembers their birthdays and children's names--and not even for nefarious purposes necessarily. He will use those bonds as leverage if need be, of course, but...he also does take a genuine interest in those around him, warped as it may be.

As for himself, Mergus enjoys nothing more than sitting by the fire in a cozy chair and discussing everything and nothing with a confidante. Who, these days, is usually his aide, Ayman. A human man who is honestly more like a platonic life partner at this point, and would gladly--maybe even eagerly--give his life for Mergus.

As for less villainous characters, Isaac is pretty good at going the extra mile for the people around him. When he's not, you know, isolating as a trauma response. He's definitely better at caring for others than he is for himself.

Ben Zebrowski, though, is a much more consistent example. This imposing vampire man with a foul-mouth and oft-broken nose sometimes gets called Babcia/Busia, Abuelita, Nana, or some other form of "Grandma" by the neighborhood (always behind his back, of course). The affectionately derogatory practice likely arose from a couple of things. 1) His go-to of feeding people, human or vampire, to show he cares. He practices cooking regularly in order to keep this habit up with the human side of that equation. 2) The fact he'll be deeply insulted if someone doesn't eat. Nobody makes this mistake twice. And 3) he will hound anyone who stubbornly tries to push themselves until they've submitted to being fussed over. Ben is Isaac's worst nightmare in this regard.

Despite some collective eyerolling, Ben's methods of caring have endeared him to his community. Thus, he never really wants for getting his simple needs met: blood, playing or watching some baseball with friends, and uhhhh lots of, shall we say, physical affection.

#thank you for the ask! #I'm pretty pleased this one involved both Mergus and Ben #whom I don't gush over nearly enough #dysthanasia

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: Sexualization of (fictional) minors/shipping discourse

Mod: batch 5 of these, so anons who need to can avoid the topic

1. if you have an opinion on shipping discourse/fiction purity/all that stupid BS, i just hope your dolls snap in half. don't care what the opinion is. go outside. shut the fuck up. get any other kind of life than the one you're living. you people -- all of you people, every single one of you people -- are literally the worst and most annoying people online and if all of you just up and vanished nothing, i mean nothing, of value would be lost. stop shitting up the doll blog for god's sake.

~Anonymous

2. Mini DDs are either hypersexualized or heavily child coded. Yes, there's overlap, but I have yet to see a nice MDD that isn't dressed like a toddler, a whore, or some combination of the two.

~Anonymous

3. Sorry to bring up this topic again. A reminder of how this all started, I guess, was with the Angelphilia doll. I went and looked and was genuinely confused... I'm sorry but as a CSA survivor who was abused from infancy to age 6, pedophilia refers specifically to pre-pubescent children... that doll does not look pre-pubescent, she looks like every other anime girl of an ambiguous high school age. It really bothers me as a survivor when people misuse and conflate terms. It's also really upsetting to see people equate fictionalized sexualization of post-pubescent representations of minors to actual, real abuse of children. Maybe this makes some of you uncomfortable but if it can be a tool to prevent abuse of real children, idc about fiction. Don't look at it if it upsets you or triggers you. Stop seeking it out. You are an adult now, you are not the victimized child anymore. Or, if you are so concerned, please get involved with a real organization that works in intervention and prevention of child sexual abuse and stop white knighting on the internet over fiction. Please. I wish there had been so many "concerned citizens" to intervene and protect me and the other victims of my biological father, as there are who make confessions about a piece of plastic.

~Anonymous

4. All we said was putting obviously underage characters in suggestive situations is fucking gross and we will block your disgusting ass if you post it, and sure enough the lolicon/shotacon defenders crawled out of the goddamn woodwork with their stupid little handbooks full of strawman arguments and smug fucking attitudes to scream at us to try to say we're the ones who need to touch grass or Let People Enjoy Things™ or whatever fucked up braindead holier-than-thou stance they're taking. God shut the hell up. I'm tired if seeing your disgusting asses showing up and defending this goddamn shit, you fucking pedos.

~Anonymous

5. I don't give a fuck about your issues, I still don't want lolicon in my fucking hobby and no smoothbrain pervert will make me feel otherwise

~Anonymous

6.Re: CSA

This hobby is full of Chicken Littles that see CSA everywhere. Most of you will never be reasonable about this. To the other reasonable people out there in BJDLand, do your own thing, and when one of these Chicken Littles starts squawking at you, go hard on them with ban hammers and legal threats for stalking and harassment. Scorch the earth around them so they will never bother you again. That, or make private places where you and other reasonable people can hang out. I know of a place already where reasonable BJD people hang out and you Chicken Littles can’t touch them. In b4 “Bait!” “You’re creepy Anon!” and so on. Go. Cry. Moar while being keyboard warrior slactivists.

~Anonymous

Mod: Reasonable People is doing a lot of heavy lifting here Anon, even as your neutral Mod I'm not sure that's the phrase I'd use for this

7. "Ch*ld s*x sells" is fucking disgusting, but to the right market, it is the truth. If you think that's not the case, you haven't been around long enough to see what most of us have seen. I've seen an entire fandom go to shit because the pedos flooded it and made it stigmatized to even be associated with the related media. It's sickening to watch go down in real time, and I absolutely refuse to sit by and watch the same thing happen in this hobby. At this point I'm convinced we're all yelling at the same person and their sock accounts anyway. But stop glorifying it. Stop normalizing it. Stop excusing it. Stop "boo hoo just don't look lol"-ing it. Stop "live and let live"-ing it. Stop "fuck you I'm a survivor and this shit is harmless so here's some shotacon I made hurrdurr die mad"-ing about it. Stop "I'm gonna accuse you of wasting authority resources on it because there's no victim involved lmao shut up"-ing it. Stop "lel touch grass and let me enjoy my lolicon"-ing it. Just stop. You're disgusting.

~Anonymous

8. Keep screaming at me all you want, I'm still going to call out and fight against lolicon in this hobby

~Anonymous

Mod: Batch post reply to a previous one:

9. "'It’s still just as gross as the real thing' This line, this line alone made you honestly the biggest asshole and I hope you're fucking ashamed. I hope you grow the fuck up and look in the mirror and see what a fucking dumbass you were saying this with 100% confidence."

I said what I said you fucking clown, die mad about it or go touch grass and fuck back off this blog where you belong

~Anonymous

10. I can't wait for the FCSAM debate to be over from this blog, there's too many dangerous and predatory opinions being given weight here and people are far too comfortable with their gross takes. Suggestive depictions of minors are fucking gross. Bottom line. If you disagree, you should be shunned.

~Anonymous

11. You know what is weord to me? I'm not seeing people screaming that your doll is LITERALLY THE SAME as REAL sexual abuse. Obvi that is dumb af. But we, as a group, need to understand that normalizing the sexualization of child features (yes, AP nono, YES panty shots of MDD) is not ok. The main point is that it validates and creates a safe space for pedo-like thoughts. Is that what we want?

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #Community Confessions