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honey-beann · 7 months

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I'd Burn Every Soul I Knew (If I Thought the Fire Was Warming You)

rk boys (Nines, Connor, Sixty) x Reader

Chapter "One" - In Medias Res

Word Count: 3,169

Welcome to the first part of my new series, the title of which is listed above (and is also a quote from an unreleased Hozier song lol).

This series will be all three rks x reader, except unlike a normal series, we'll be starting things off randomly from the middle! As the series goes on, we'll go both backward and forward in time to give exposition and make sure there's clarification in various parts! I'm super excited for this, since I've never done anything like it before, and I hope you all enjoy!

Note: For some initial context, know that the boys were never detective androids in this universe, but were rather created for another purpose entirely :)

"We shouldn't leave her alone right now, but she needs to get cleaned off and warmed up, so do you want to stay out here with her, or go draw a bath?"

You could hear Connor's voice distantly, as if he were underwater or several rooms away, and the thought made you scowl, the idea of being any closer to alone than you already were instantly causing your anxiety to spike.

Damn, you really had gotten too used to having them all around.

In front of you, you could scarcely see a thing despite your eyes being open, your vision unfocused and blurry as you tried not to look too closely at either of the men in front of you. You had no interest in taking note of just how blue their usually white shirts were the way you had on the car ride back to your apartment.

"A bath? Have you been paying any attention to her since we got back? She's half delirious, you're basically asking her to pass out and drown in there if she takes one now."

Sixty's voice sounded even further away than Connor's, and you buried your head in your hands at the sound, a persistent and gnawing reminder of the one voice you hadn't heard.

"She needs a bath, Sixty. Put her in a shower and she could end up falling over, which is a far more likely outcome with her in the state she is now."

You heard Sixty scoff in response before footsteps that you felt more than you heard faded away as he presumably made his way towards the bathroom.

Connor on the other hand, walked towards you so gently that you scarcely would have noticed him if it weren't for the way he said your name, quietly and with caution, as if afraid you would shatter at the sound.

You shook your head indignantly, not wanting to look up and see all of the blue blood that had gotten on him earlier, desperate to escape to a reality where none of this was happening.

Connor sighed, his hand coming to rest gently on your shoulder as he spoke,

"I changed already, you don't have to hide."

He murmured, his tone ever so slightly amused but mostly just cajoling as he tried to persuade you to see the truth of his words for yourself.

Slowly, as if the speed of your actions might change the outcome, you lowered your hands from your face, slowly allowing your eyes to glance over the room a few times before finally coming to rest on Connor, who was giving you what you imagined was supposed to be a supportive smile, that just so happened to look much more like concern.

You sighed shakily, murmuring a gentle thanks in response to his thoughtfulness regarding his bloodied clothes. You hadn't expected to be so upset by them, but then again, you'd never expected to see them at all, much less on your androids, and far less from them.

It was a staggering experience to see that they truly weren't invincible. You wished you'd never had to find out at all. At least not the hard way, not like this.

Connor hummed in response to your soft words, reaching down wordlessly to tug at the hem of your shirt, pulling the white button up out of your dress slacks with ease before he raised a questioning brow, asking without words if he could keep going.

You nodded.

It would be far from the first time Connor had seen you mostly or even entirely naked, in fact, they all had at this point, having taken care of you for so long.

You were better now, less weathered by pain and illness thanks to their lingering support, but you couldn't help but almost wish the suffering back to take away the dull ache of fear and uncertainty in your chest.

You had only just finished questioning whether or not the constant discomfort would truly have been worth it when you realized that Connor had removed all but your undergarments from you, folding your stained clothes over his forearm before he took a silent step towards the laundry room just down the hall.

"Don't."

You said, your voice quiet but stern, causing the android in question to halt all movement almost instantly. He turned to face you soon after, his head tilted slightly but his expression one of patience, as if he were willing to wait all day to find out what you were thinking.

You sighed shakily,

"I want you to burn them."

You said, watching as Connor's brow rose before he looked down to the clothing in his hand, clearly not understanding.

You elaborated.

"I don't want to see them again, I couldn't bear to be reminded of..."

You trailed off, but Connor took the opportunity to nod in understanding regardless, placing the clothes on a nearby breakfast bar stool before he approached once more.

"Okay, if that's what you want then I can do it while you're resting later in the evening."

He reasoned, not giving you any time to argue about details before he switched topics entirely.

"Sixty just notified me that your bath is ready. Is there anything you want to bring in with you?"

He asked gently, and you shook your head, far too eager to have the remnants of today washed from your body to care about your comfort.

When you entered the bathroom, Sixty was waiting for you, his hand skimming across the top of the water as he checked the temperature to make sure it was the way you liked it.

"It should be between 99 and 102."

Connor stated matter of factly, causing Sixty to hum dismissively in response.

"I know."

His gaze shifted up from the water's surface to where you were standing.

"Any better?"

He asked, his words brief but their meaning heavy, as per usual when it came to him.

You shook your head silently in response, reaching your hands backward to unclasp your bra as you did so.

Suddenly, without warning, Connor's LED lit up a bright yellow, and he straightened up a bit, brow raised, before making eye contact with Sixty, his tone calm despite how obviously little he enjoyed saying what he was about to say.

"They want someone to come down and answer some questions about Nines. Can you stay with her?"

Sixty seemed to falter for a moment, hand no longer skimming the top of the water as he contemplated the meaning behind what Connor was saying.

If he was considering leaving you here with him alone, than the situation was likely dire enough for it to be worth soothing their emotional human companion.

He nodded.

"Where else would I go?"

This reaction immediately caused Connor to shake his head in response.

"No, I don't just mean at the house, I mean here in the bathroom with her. She has some bruising on her ribs that I didn't notice earlier, so she shouldn't be left alone in the tub."

Sixty's gaze shot over to you, scanning your body for signs of injury until they landed on your left rib cage, where they lingered for quite a few moments before he finally nodded again.

"Yeah, we'll be fine. Just don't let Nines find out or he'll blow a fuse."

The joke was in poor taste, but Connor did little more than roll his eyes in response before his focused returned to you, his hand reaching over to unclasp your bra for you before you could find your way back to earth after hearing that Nines was bad enough for the medical staff to need some questions answered.

Still, out of little more than habit, you shrugged the garment off of your shoulders before shimmying out of your underwear, stepping over them afterward with a blank expression as you worked persistently to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror.

Connor noticed this, and shot a glance towards his successor before he nodded to the both of you in farewell.

"I'll be back soon. If you don't hear from me for a few hours, assume everything is alright. I will keep you updated on the important things."

He promised, reaching over to offer a hand for you to hold as you stepped into the tub before finally letting go a few moments after you were sat down, his eyes trained on yours as he did his best to convey that everything was going to be alright with his actions alone.

It did little to quell the growing anxiety in your heart, but you appreciated the effort nonetheless.

Meanwhile, Sixty reached forward to turn the water on once more, filling the tub further now that you were inside of it in order to ensure it was at the perfect temperature for you in the moment.

Connor and Nines rarely let you choose things like this, since the warmer the water the higher the chance of you feeling faint afterward, but Sixty was always far more concerned with your comfort the very second you were experiencing it than he was the future. From his perspective, he could fix whatever issues your body threw at you as long as you actually bothered to tell him what they were.

In fact, in his eyes, it would be worth it to rend his artificial skin from his artificial bone just to ease the unwavering pain in your eyes.

Just to make you smile.

Whether or not he really knew that he felt that way, was an entirely separate issue.

And the only one he was truly concerned with, was whether or not you did.

That, and the way your eyes stayed fixated on the now slightly blue tinted water that you had sunk your body into, afraid to look up and see your reflection staring back you, to see how the life giving vitality of another had changed it.

Sixty sighed at the sight of your obvious struggle, knowing all too well the feeling of being unable to look at oneself in the mirror.

Or, to see yourself so physically in another who was so clearly superior.

He got up without a word, and, making a show of it so you knew what was about to happen, flicked the light switch off.

With that persistent glow from overhead gone, the only thing illuminating the room was his LED, which made it nearly impossible for you to know whether the blue in the water was the light, or the blood of a loved one.

"Can you get in with me?"

You voice rang out so suddenly and with so little warning that Sixty paused as he stood near the closed doorway, his mind searching for an easy answer that would not come.

He was not usually the one you went to for comfort, Connor knew your heart best, Nines your mind, and that had left Sixty with your body, and he had learned to understand that with as little physical interaction as possible.

The sight of his hands resting upon your skin unsettled him, as did the way you trusted him so easily, as if you weren't so readily aware that he had been built for violence, brutality in the cases where it became necessary to protect you from some unknown evil that you had grown to fear but never to name.

It confused him, how comfortable you were with hands that had maimed and killed so many and gently touched so few.

Confused him, and left him wishing he were capable of holding you the way that the others were. So gentle, not for fear of harm but rather to convey a message of understanding, of comprehension far beyond what Sixty worried he could manage.

Built to look so similar, it was a shame to be so different.

He wordlessly got into the tub behind you, watching and undressing on approach as you scooted forward silently, the water sloshing around your fragile form as you made room for his threatening presence in that way no one else ever did, or he imaged ever would.

You knew his intentions regardless of his still mouth and tensed hands, always so good at seeing, so good at understanding.

Blessed be the hands you touched your monsters with, blessed be the eyes you saw them through.

If he could make them permanent fixtures on this earth he would, but instead he knows he'll simply have to shed his own consciousness the very moment you do the same.

Loyal brute, loyal fool, loyal follower, anything if he is yours.

Everything if he is yours.

He settled in behind you so easily that it almost felt like he belonged there, a thought so foreign that it did not even register until long afterward, while he was watching your hair dry by the smoldering flame of the tinder you had provided Connor with earlier.

The air had smelt of thirium when he realized it, burning gore and rose shampoo, which came from where you stood beside him.

He had thought of the petals of the flower as he stoked the flames rising off of your still burning shirt, thinking of the way that they all folded together so perfectly, so completely, that he could surely be nothing more than the thorn on your stem.

But then he had thought of the bath tub, and the way that your back had felt slotted against his chest as the warm water lapped at his synthetic skin, and how your hands had felt on his arms as you used them to keep yourself from slipping slightly on the slippery porcelain while the water settled.

Even as a well fitted thing, he had still caused a disturbance. When did he not?

But the future was still unknown for the moment, so he did not think about these things as he settled into the water behind you, instead choosing to ask if you were comfortable, only to be met with silence when you simply nodded, head tilted back in what the android took as a request, a gentle invitation, to make sure it was clean.

Sixty ran a few gentle fingers through your hair, doing his best to de-tangle what he could without hurting you before he began to cup water into his palms, using it to cleanse your locks of any dried thirium that had begun to grow thick and clotted there, so ironically similar to blood for all that it was not.

When he was done with that, he found the bottle of shampoo that he liked the scent of best beside the tub, and massaged it into your scalp, being careful not to pull.

He truly did know your body best of all, no matter how frightened of it he was.

You leaned into his touch slowly, as if hesitant to do so, and he said nothing about any of it, choosing instead to warn you to close your eyes as he used his hands to gather water once more, rinsing your hair of anything that had remained stuck on after it's de-tangling earlier on.

Your body came next, and you stood for that part, shivering in the cool air as it came in contact with your warm body, allowing him to not only feel your frailty, but also see it even clearer than he already had.

It was remarkable how much power something so fragile had.

Once you had been thoroughly cleansed of any traces of the day, Sixty was cautious in turning the light on again, eyes trained on your reaction thoughtfully all the way up until he had you wrapped in a towel and leaving the bathroom entirely, bound for your small room of soft robes and a plush mattress, one he had picked out (with the help of his "siblings" of course. Nothing ever got past them otherwise).

Sixty's thought regarding his counterparts had him faltering slightly as he guided you over to the edge of your bed to sit you down as he searched for clothing comfortable enough for you to sleep in later that evening.

He had seen the exhaustion in your eyes, and if Connor had been here, he would be insisting that Sixty was keeping you awake for all of the teary tired present in your gaze, but the younger android knew better. He knew you would fight it off until Nines either walked through the door himself, or was carried through in a bag of miscellaneous parts by his predecessor.

Not wishing to dwell on that thought, he soon settled on a large t shirt you had bought him at a concert a few years prior. He hadn't particularly enjoyed the music, didn't even really know how to back them, but you had seen him looking at it and bought it without a second thought.

So giving no matter how much was taken, he worried you might one day lose yourself to the pull of selflessness.

A selfish concern to be sure, how ironic.

Helping you get dressed with particular care being given to your bruised rib cage, Sixty was sure to scan your vitals multiple times throughout the process, always convincing himself that it was more for Connor, who could see the live data, than it was for him.

He was a liar, but he didn't need to admit that to himself, much less to the world.

Once you were finally comfortable and ready to relax for the evening, Sixty silently followed you out into the living area, setting you up with your favorite blanket on the couch (despite pretending to be surprised when you mentioned to him that it was your favorite when he laid it over top of your still vaguely shivering form) before he tried to think of something you could eat.

He had just come up with a few ideas to present to you when he noticed your shoulders shaking as your head rested heavily in your hands, and without a sound, he approached, sitting down beside you.

He let you cry for a little longer after that, so unused to comforting you in favor of his counterparts that he was rather unsure of what to say until finally, he simply said the only thing that came to mind.

"He's going to be okay. None of us are ever going to leave you, not as long as you need us."

His tone was firm and far less compassionate than the one Connor or even Nines may have used, but it must have done the trick, because you looked up at him weepily soon after, eyes wet and hands shaking as you took a deep and unsure breath.

"So you'll always be here?"

You all but wheezed, so desperate for comfort that the straining in your lungs was nothing if it meant receiving reassurance from someone.

Sixty responded without hesitance, his tone deadly serious as he spoke,

"We are yours. We won't leave unless you ask us to."

Connor called about Nines exactly 9.86 seconds later.

masterlist

AO3

#dbh x reader series #dbh connor x reader #dbh nines x reader #dbh sixty x reader #rk900 x reader #dbh x reader #s: I'd Burn Every Soul I Knew (If I Thought the Fire Was Warming You)#dbh series 0 cop edition

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total-drama-brainrot · 2 months

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Hmmm what would happen if rice krisp Alejandro meet psycho!noah? Would he still try to hypnotize Noah? Fear?? Or would the two come together and be a train wreck waiting to happen?

Well, the whole point of p!Noah is for him to be pretty indiscernible from regular Noah towards the other contestants, so I Imagine rk!Alejandro would try the same song and dance just to be met with someone who's far too unstable to be hypnotised. After all, the whole concept of hypnosis stems from hypnos; the state of semi-unconsciousness that leaves a person susceptible to suggestions and/or the implantation of hypnotic triggers. For someone like p!Noah, who's eerily smart and extremely manic (underneath the façade of slothfulness), I doubt he'd be able to fall into the initial trance that snagged rk!Noah. And he'd have no reason to reveal that he's immune because he's fucking insane, so there'd be no story.

Though, if p!Noah had any idea just how messed up rk!Alejandro is in the head, they'd get on like a house on fire. Until rk!Alejandro inevitably tries to control/possess him in other ways; then p!Noah would probably bite one of his fingers off or something.

Though that's assuming p!Noah is and always has been The Noah of that universe. If rk! and p! have been swapped during the events of the fic? That's a different can of worms.

Because, from Alejandro's perspective, the person he's weaved a web of triggers and suggestions into in an effort to practically craft himself The Perfect Boyfriend Subordinate is suddenly bereft of his triggers? And the charged animosity between them is just gone? As if Noah's just forgotten what's transpired between them entirely. He'd be oddly offended.

So of course he confronts p!Noah about this, even going so far as to try his failsafe trigger to send (who he assumes is rk!)Noah into a full trance, and yet the nerd before him just strikes him with an unimpressed stare and a raised eyebrow.

...I'd continue, but I really don't want to spoil anything for the upcoming chapters of the RK fic. 😳

#a bit of a lacklustre answer but it's the realistic outcome of rk!al and p!noah meeting #can't believe i'm discussing crossovers of my own aus at. like. 4am #very cool /pos #total drama #td noah #td alejandro #rice krispies fic #psycho!noah au #silly hypotheticals #replies #cw hypnosis #tw violence

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honeybyte · 5 months

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📷🎵🍪🙃🧸🦋🧡🐸🌿🎤🌸!! Sorry for so many, hope your day goes well!

no no dont apologize! i really appreciate these, thank you !

what's set as your lockscreen?

oh i dont think you guys are expecting this but

pin ups of Yarrow and Grimm by @keymintt! im obsessed w these, sometimes i unlock my phone just to stare tbh

Last song you listened to?

Hellhound by DeathbyRomy ft Jazmin Bean!

if you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

you know those really fat sugar cookies w the cheap frosting you can get like 20 at a time at a grocery store? i'd be one of those

weird fact?

we have gila monsters out here, and if you dont know what that is, they're one of the most poisonous reptiles in the southwestern united states. but they're genuinely so chill that if you're bitten by a gila monster, it's Your fault

favorite place to nap?

either at the foot of my bed or in the very corner of our couch, as long as i have a v plush blanket

describe yourself in 3 words

answered!

a color you can't stand?

oh man, i dont think i have one i genuinely hate. im on v tentative terms w purple if i had to pick but its not that i can't stand it, its that half my house is purple so im around it more than i would like to be

describe your aesthetic

oh clothing wise im definitely goth w an emphasis on natural elements and silver (fern prints, bug prints, snake embroidery, etc). living wise, im v bright and colorful, and definitely a maximalist. if it's a lil trinket or perhaps an object, i want it in my room. also, most of my room is yellow (yellow/orange walls, yellow quilt, etc)

describe your favorite outfit

oh man, if we're going elaborate its:

fern print shirt dress w a waist tie and m-line cuts. fishnets. studded platform boots. gold leaf collar pins. beetle set (bracelet and earrings), studded leather bracelet, studded leather watch. black fedora if im In it

is there a song you know all the lyrics to?

Cold Love by RKS, and Hell and You by Amigo the Devil

best compliment you've ever received?

every 70+ yo woman who's told me she used to wear boots like mine whenever i wear a pair of platforms. i dress goth for the grannies that relive their youth when they see me

#ask #THANK U !!

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majimemegoro · 1 year

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Hello Ms. Majimemegoro! I saw that you're playing Lost Judgement now, so I have a few questions I'd like your opinion on (feel free to answer as seriously/un-seriously as possible sgsggdsds this is def for fun)

1. Why do you think RGG Studios decided to name the generic boss fight theme song in LJ as "vore"?

2. In Soma's theme song "Viper", there are at least 2 (3?) instruments playing. Obviously Soma can't be playing his own music since he's busy doing the stabbing, so do you think he outsourced the job to his RK lackeys? Or does he only trust Akutsu to play all instruments? He is a very competent subordinate after all!

3. What is your opinion on this detective?

For me, Nabe-san's the hottest man in the entirety of LJ hands down, but also he ruined my Hard mode streak because my controller wouldn't respond to his QTEs and I had to switch to Easy for his fight only, which I'm still bitter about

4. Which do you side with (aesthetically or morally or whatever), Black Leather Jacket with Cigarettes, or Brown Leather Jacket with Vapes? (follow up question: does your mom agree?)

1.Why do you think RGG Studios decided to name the generic boss fight theme song in LJ as "vore"? I saw the full name is vorarephilia and i was like 'oh but thats just latin, i wonder what it means'

ok. no further comment.

i think soma has no boss theme, that wonderful terrifying slasher music was in my mind. a reflection of my mental state.

3. What is your opinion on this detective? Well I think he should be friends with Date-san because they are both gruff slightly rumpled but competent detectives whose hearts are in the right place. I don't have strong opinions with him really but my SISTER. well she thought this dude had mad chemistry with Yagami. and also with her.

4. Which do you side with (aesthetically or morally or whatever), Black Leather Jacket with Cigarettes, or Brown Leather Jacket with Vapes? (follow up question: does your mom agree?)

aesthetically kuwana's outfits suck, he has a big baby head, and vaping is yuck. i also find his voice in the dub really annoying. finally I think he is, frankly, an idiot.

*BIG SPOILERS ALSO MENTIONS OF BULLYING AND SU*CIDE* there's room for nuance and im not categorically opposed to vigilanteism in principal. But there's one thing I can't get over: out of people who kill themselves, a certain proportion of them will have done so partially in response to someone who was harming them in some way—emotionally or physically or whatever. but only a specific subset of these harm-creating people are going to be called 'bullies': and that's kids. Kuwana is choosing to go after specifically children whose behavior led someone to su*cide, and not adults whose behavior did the same. WHat the heck kuwana!! did you even think this through !! hes a deranged little man. i can appreciate that in a character but sadly coupled with his lacklustre aesthetic this is an L for him on all sides. and my mother:

"This is easy! Black and brown leather jackets are both fine, but more important to have a vintage/used one! Cigarettes - you actually know what they are doing to you. Sorry, vapers, but to me those look stupid, like sucking on a great big ball point pen. Plus, popcorn lung."

After i gently suggested that the question was supposed to make her pronounce on yagami vs. kuwana, she said the following:

"One. *disparaging tone* Kuwana's voice.

"Two. Yagami is cute but in a mainstream way that's a bit irritating.

"Three. Well I might get in trouble for saying this. But I like the way his jeans fit and the way he walks. They did... a good job on that.

"Four. Yagami is better in every way.... except when he's dancing and he SMILES."

she also drew a picture of yagami getting hit by a car <3

#lost judgment #meme #rgg #kuwana jin #yagami takayuki #lost judgment spoilers #theres so many anecdotes i havent told you guys about haha #its so fun to play video games with people and shoot the breeze #memecomradeoriginal

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zach-is-here · 9 months

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Barbenheimer

7/21/23

It's Oppie-Barbz Day! I could barely work due to my pent up excitement for Oppenheimer as I counted down the minutes until 4:00. I was so excited, I got worried my car was going to break down. My car did NOT break down and I met up with my scheduled date (RKS). A little bit to our surprise, we had actually signed up for a double date with the cuties next door :) Josh/Torin had already seen Barbie at 10 with nothing but glowing reviews for the hyperextended Ryan Gosling fan cam, but now it was game time. Reagan and I got dressed up for the occasion, but J and T couldn't commit to the bit.

MOVIE REVIEW TIME Oppenheimer: Good

Even though me and R were blown away with the Nolan flic, Torin defiantly stated that the Barbie movie was superior (despite sleeping through the first 30 mins of Oppenheimer). It gave us even more excitement for the Margot Robbie foot film.

To pre-game, R and I had dinner at the Taproom - not before a little walk around the armory talking about Nolan movies. At dinner I was scammed on a grilled cheese, R got her classic mushroom burger, and the fries were excessively – no, ridiculously – salty **YUCK**. Afterwards, we went for Ice cream (Kilwins vanilla for me, cake batter for R) and watched local band New American Cuisine play some songs in front of Ben and Jerry's (those no good lying hippies - we get into that further w/ Chuck).

BARB TIME BARB TIME BARB TIME! The crowd was wild, the girls were slaying, and watching the movie was so fun because of the people – vox populi.

MOVIE REVIEW TIME Barbie: Good, but not Oppie good (Sorry T).

With the double feature wrapped up, and the clock past midnight, I was ready for bed. But not before some final Barbie tunes in the car with R :)

I almost crashed my car on the ride home because I nearly missed a turn because I was sooooo sleepy.

#barbie #oppenheimer #sleepy #barbenheimer #movies #love this movie #dennys

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snapshots-of-the-young-egotist · 1 year

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youtube

I kid around a lot but I am serious about needing two things for certain: the mountains and the beach. There are several things I want to do in Boone while I'm there and the first is to stop by The Comeback Shack. . Then drive down a few memory lanes.. aka drive around the town - literally - around town- (because it's a circle..) ah I'm actually laughing about this because Iykyk.. but there is one particular street I must drive by. Simply for the fact that it is one of my favorite places in the world now. Its serenity on a sunny day captivated me and made quite an impression on me in my youth. So many years ago.. The trees cast these marvelous shadows against the window shield, and the road winds at a certain angle- and if you drive too fast, or are even remotely distracted- it'll take you straight downhill. I like to think about the value in that all or nothing sort of state.

I put this song here because in 2015 I reconsidered how I was living my life. I listened to RKS all summer. I attempted to reconstruct what my version of reality could look like, if I took other people out of the equation and only committed to myself. It was a profound time for me. I did quite a bit of soul work. Quite a bit of healing. Got invited to a mediation hosted by the very Swamji I dreamed of 6months prior! I did so many things for myself that summer. Just to kind of prove, not only was I capable of the discipline to navigate whatever trajectories the path before me throws me to, but that I was capable of making others see the value in what I would like to bring forth. My first dose of relaxation came in the form of receiving an offer to publish a transcript I submitted. Now, that in itself was an eye opening crash course in "Be in the world, but not of it." . And, "Nothing you do in life is important. . But it is very important that you do it." What I mean by that, I did not want to continue down the path I felt uncomfortable on. So after meditating I only had the same ideas come to me about how to make money while still being completely free and available 24/7. . Cue my anxiety and throw in a little runners high for the motivation to finally summon the courage to submit my work, and bam- I got exactly what I wanted. I got exactly what I wanted and it still did not feel right. Why was that?! It is because, it was what I wanted, but it was just a version of what I wanted. Meaning, I had other options. Many more publishers to shop this around to. Not in an egoic way, like, "I can have any publisher I want!" No. What I am speaking of, is the fact that the we all have choices to make sometimes that will change the entire trajectory of our lives. If something is a little off, it doesn't mean you are supposed to ignore it and expect it to go away. . (It never will) Instead of ignoring the feelings when you recognize something is off, it is much more helpful to ask, what is a better version of this outcome? So for me, I could see myself giving parts of myself away to a publisher that saw something in me. Something enough to give me a chance, right? Right.. but just because one or two or a few people see our value and would like to afford us recognition of our value, we must also be astute to our value. We must know our value well enough to place borders around our standards, but not our potential. I've held off on completely finishing what I think will be a great book. I know one thing; once I get this one going, maybe I can branch out to the collection of children's books. Anyways- I just kind of feel the need to bring the energy full circle and go back to the place that taught me so many things.

Deviating from expressing my gameplan. . the beach situation has me a little thrown atm. . On a whim I decided myrtle- but like- in that, "I need a beach desperately" kind of way.. that only a place like Myrtle Beach could deliver on.. The thing is, it will be Stella's very first time at the beach. I'd rather take her to like Sullivans Island or Kiawah. Idk.

60day update- after my phone was definitely stolen and then returned I decided I'm not going to get to enjoy my laundry mat day anymore. Although I had to go to Lowe's for a carpet cleaner, and reminded myself to get a belt for the dryer- guess what I did not do while I was there?! So that's great. I will do that tmrw and I will have at least one thing to be accomplished abt. So that and some spray paint for the mini-projects I need to finish- weather permitting. i think, so far, the biggest takeaway I think I've gotten with this challenge, is that things really can change in just a single moment. Not like, an actual single moment- but like, many moments - are are suddenly realized in a moment-

one moment today caused me to reconsider why I am suddenly ready to do things that apparently I have had time for in the past. I'm really spring cleaning right now- everything around me- including myself, my mind, my body- all of it, ya know? .. so I'm really digging here and I have been all year. So I keep having these run ins with the past. Some of it is pleasant. Like, opening a suitcase and seeing old clothes I haven't seen in a while.. that's pleasant. But some other things I run into, are not so pleasant. I like to think I refrain from suppressing much, and that is exactly what allows me to bring forth the proper balance into my life. But sometimes, some things, cause you to recognize something for what it is. Or, what it is not, and never could be. Something is really looking and I cannot make out what it is to save my life. It's so subtle- but something is on the way- and for several months now, I've only been made aware of this because it's energetic signature is so profound, I can't not feel it. Can't not expect it. . I also can not put my finger on it! Honestly I think it's going to be something good, but then when I meditate on what it will be, there is cause for concern. So I'm stranded. The only thing that I'm allowed to know, is that something is on its way. Whichever way it goes, preparing is pivotal in casting a strong foundation- within the mind and within emotions. Mastery of those never sits idle for too long.

I have got to stop being so afraid to make decisions. I say that, and go to employ my decision making skills, and something always goes awry.

I think what usually causes my discomfort is the expression of dismay in someones face when they do not like what I have to say.

this is a lot and I am a lot. There is a lot going on right now. I have a lot of projects in my mind and in reality and I just love that I get this quiet little space here to kind of just dump everything that I am trying to sort out.. or need to sort out .. but don't want to forget to sort out. What I should really be doing is putting my appointments here as a reminder so I don't miss anymore of them!

I guess before my birthday I will schedule that schtupid eye exam and get those schtupid glasses that I swear to God I will either lose or break by way of Stella stealing them, or me dropping them and then stepping on them in my haste to pick them up..

ugh and ah

that's right

I'm repulsed and excited

but mostly sleepy

#Youtube

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linernotesandseasons · 2 years

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Let me tell you a little story. A story about rainbows… & kittens… & surprises! This story starts 12/52015 (6.5 years ago!?!) @lailelila wants me to meet her friend @stephtoocool! We make a mix for our drive to Staunton State Park, the first song Steph adds is “Devil Like Me.” I’m hooked (pic 3) Fast forward to March 2017, Lila & see RKS @globehalldenver (pic 4). I’m struck by how weird and fucking CATCHY this music is. All folk & stomp & mumbly, messy, yell-y, goodness. Now it’s summer 2018, my little sisters @annarose_jones & @rebeccajmcbride go to @bellyupaspen w/me (& @madeleinemoriah!) (pics 5&6). RKS has one of my fav albums of 2018 and we dance & sing & scream & sweat along! Building memories. We laugh hard in the car on the way home. Like summer will last forever. The next summer the magic repeats at red rocks w/best concert friends @indie_indian & @michaelddemarco (miss you both!) & @lailelila and more dancing & singing & screaming & making memories (pic 7). Spent my summer riding high. In preparation for big concerts I’m excited about, I like to make playlists based off of setlists. In my RKS setlist digging I uncovered something. THIS IS A BAND AT THE TOP OF THEIR FUCKING GAME! Over the last couple months of shows/tour they have played EVERY SONG in their catalog (sure it’s only 3 albums plus some singles, yeah I know lots of jam bands that play completely diff sets every night, but for a band like this, w/3 albums, to mix it up every night the way they do… is special!) • So… Last night was incredible. Finally dancing together again! A communion & celebration w/past & future versions of myself. Where I’ve been, where I am, where I’m going. Who I’ve been, Who I am, who I’m gonna be. Teenage Matt would’ve fucking loved dancing & screaming to these songs w/35 yr old Matt. If the multiverse is real, there are portals that open to me at live shows and when the lights go down, I go versejumping to wherever i want. Galaxies & Universes, Space & Time & Magic are simply chord progressions & lyrics, melodies & electric guitar. Lights dancing & full moons. & time as we know it… Stands still. Am I gonna be at Red Rocks for night two?… You fucking bet I am. (at Red Rocks Park and Amphitheatre) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cf7vE-6FJGd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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lyricsarepoetry · 3 years

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everything must go

make way for the kingdom come

#the contrast between cheap corporatism #and religion #this song deals with how truly american that is #to water down reverence and worship #organized religion ruined spirituality #and catholicism ruined what good there was in organized religion for me #and the united states drained every ounce of beauty out of catholicism #holy war #rks #7/16/21

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catdotjpeg · 3 years

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i don’t know how to say these things in a nice way because my nerves have been fried for quite some time and i’m basically running on empty right now but i wanted to write about anti-asian sentiment, and more specifically, how people can address it.

there are a lot of posts with a lot of notes going around coming from very well-meaning people about how we can combat anti-asian sentiment by fighting cultural appropriation or stopping insults about food and whatnot, and i understand the impulse, but the fact is this: anti-asian sentiment is rooted in white supremacy, in colonialism, and in imperialism, and those things cannot be stopped by simply teaching people to say our names correctly.

if you want to end anti-asian sentiment, we must end white supremacy and imperialism. if you want to end white supremacy and imperialism, you must learn about the histories of white supremacy and imperialism— not only in asia, but across the world. it is crucial that we, as asians, unite ourselves with other colonized people to fight these systems. i invite others to move past the badge of allyship and truly learn what it means to commit yourself to the fight against white supremacy and imperialism, and then do it.

now, more specifically: when we think about the 8 people who were killed in atlanta this week, we understand that they were targeted because of their asianness, yes, even knowing that all who died were not asian— but they were targeted also because of their class, the line of work they were in, their migration status, their gender. the women who were murdered were at particular risk because they were working-class migrant women who worked in a massage parlor, and who may have been s*x w*rk*rs. this is absolutely crucial to understand! you cannot understand their deaths as being separate from war crimes committed by the united states in vietnam, or from the sex tourism industry in southeast asia.

even when we think about the spate of attacks on asians on the street, or at the train station, or on public transit, who is being targeted? the majority of these attacks are on working-class, low-income migrant elders. there are other attacks, still, that i have heard that have targeted asian women specifically. these, too, are acts of violence tied to white supremacy and imperialism. so understanding this-- if a white man approaches me, or my sister, or my migrant neighbors with intent to harm us, what good does it do if he is educated about how to pronounce my name, or if he knows how to use chopsticks respectfully?

these are just some thoughts i am having that i think are missing from the conversation, at least on this website. thank you for reading if you have gotten this far. i hope this makes sense. i truly pray for the downfall of imperialism every single day.

if you are looking for places to learn more, or to donate, please check out the following organizations. i am in new york, so some of these orgs will be local to me, but i have tried to include national orgs i know of that are doing good work. thank you.

Nodutdol -- donation link for NYC-based community organization of Koreans in the US against war and militarism

Desis Rising Up and Moving (DRUM) -- donation link for NYC-based org of South Asian and Indo-Caribbean working class people fighting for economic justice

BAYAN USA -- USA-based alliance of grassroots organizations working towards national democracy in the Philippines. there is a donation link on their website. this is the overseas chapter-- the main organization is in the Philippines.

Red Canary Song -- donation link for US-based grassroots collective of Asian migrant s/x w/rk/rs

Butterfly -- donation link for Toronto-based Asian and migrant s/x w/rk/rs network

Atlanta-area spa shootings fundraisers -- GoFundMe donation links for families affected by the Mar 16 murders

#nico.txt #ok to reblog #stop asian hate

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herrlindemann · 2 years

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METAL EDGE - January 1998

Just how far should a band go to win over a crowd? Rammstein go further. Some nuisances breathes flames, Till Lindemann sings while engulfed in them. And that’s just to open the show. With only a handful of American dates under their belts, the buzz surrounding German industrial metal giants Rammstein is spreading like wildfire, propelling their Sehnsucht debut to gold status only six months after its release, and earning them the second headliner’s position on Korn’s Family Values Tour. That may seem a bit ironic for a band whose lyrics hammer from brazen metal imagery to treading a fine line between sweetly erotic and disturbing sexual extremes. Then again, when the song titles in question are smash single and MTV Buzz Clip “Du hast” — which translates to English, “You Hate” — and the more provocatively penned “Küss Mich,” “Tier” and “Spiel mit mir” — “Kiss Me”, “Beast” and “Play with me”, respectively — the risk of being too risqué is lost. Rammstein are from Germany, sing in Geman, and according to guitarist Richard Kruspe, who joined me on the phone from his homeland with a translator for a pre-Family Values interview, they write their music in German, as well. Write music in German? Whether listening to their pair of tracks on David Lynch’s Los Highway soundtracks—edits of “Rammstein” and “Heirate Mich”, their American unveilings— or any of the tracks of Sehnsucht, they slam with all the eerie forbidding of a militant strike, twisting American metal and industrial with their foreign flair, for results that crash between hollow hauntings and throbbing mayhem. Live, the six imports from the other side of the crumbled Iron Curtain detonate more explosions than an air raid, and spew enough sexual imagery to dement even the sickest set of Family Values. Behold, America, the wrath of Rammstein is upon us…

PG: Were you expecting to get this big, this fast, here in America?

RK: Yes, we knew right away! (Laughing) Of course, we didn’t expect this. Everybody told us in the beginning that this would never happen, and the project would lead to nothing. But we always stuck to what we were doing, and it was a big surprise that with German lyrics and German music we would make it anywhere, especially in the United States. We feel very honored and proud.

PG: Do you have any plans to sing to American audiences in English? Or will you continue in German?

RK: In the history of Rammstein, there was one time when our record company asked us to translate at least one of our singles into English because they were afraid that they wouldn’t work in the U.S., and we were, of course, curious to do that and listen to the songs in English. The fast was, the U.S. DJs, at radio stations, refused to play the English song, they wanted to play the original German song. That was when I understood that you couldn’t jump from one language to another, because it does change the song. The German language is very important to go along with the music, it fits the music, and is an important part of the picture.

PG: Do you feel odd singing lyrics to audiences that can’t understand them?

RK: It was funny to perform in the U.S., hearing people sing along and knowing that they probably didn’t know what they were saying. But it was fun for us to hear people not singing, but shouting the lyrics. The audiences were emotional, and we were touched by that. It reminds me of back when I was a child, singing along to English songs, not understanding what I was singing, but just singing along because I had to. The same thing is happening now in the U.S., so it’s very nice!

PG: What songs were you singing?

RK: (laughing) AC/DC… « TNT, » « Highway to Hell »…Songs with key words that were repeated throughout the entire song, like our « Du Hast » and « Sehnsucht ».

PG: I was amazed by the extreme sexual content of the lyrics when I saw an English translation. The lyrics are only in German on the CD sleeve too, do you think fans realized what the songs are about?

RK: It come across on an emotional level. The people who sing along get the message, and of course they’re interested in what they’re singing. We believe that the people that are interested enough will translate the lyrics.

PG: So it’s like a humanitarian mission. You’re compelling the American youth to learn German by enticing them with sexual lyrics?

RK: (laughing) It would be very nice! But we’re a band which is trying to awaken interest in Rammstein. If fans are interested in learning the German language, because of the subjects themselves, that would also be very nice.

PG: Wit the sexual content of lyrics, especially the incestual songs, do you fing it ironic you’re on the Family Values tour?

RK: Those lyrics have different questions which occur within them, not only about incest and sexual situations, but they’re love songs in extreme forms. For me, live is all about relationships, between woman and man, you and music…The lyrics aren’t scandalous, they’re just love songs from extreme angles. It’s written and sung in Rammstein’s language to express the extremes of life. There is no link lyrically to the Family Values tour, it wasn’t intended to be ironic, it was just coincidence, a matter of timing.

PG: Overseas, some of America’s favorite bands, including Metallica, have reportedly asked not to perform after Rammstein, due to your spectacular live show. Are you aware of that happening at all on Family Values?

RK: There are several bands on the Family Values tour, and in the beginning, when we were asked to do the tour, we were told we’d be playing in the beginning. We said that would not be possible for us. We didn’t want to come over to the United States and play in front of empty halls (while audiences are filing in). Due to the success we are having now, we’re second headliners. We’re happy to be second headliners, because when you headline a tour like Family Values, you’re responsible for the whole evening. The second headliner doesn’t have those responsibilities on their shoulders, so you can experiment. It’s easier, there’s not as much pressure, so we’re pleased. If any band has to say that they will not play after Rammstein, it is just due to insecurity about their own performance.

PG: This is your first real tour of America. Are you looking to turn a lot of heads and steal the show?

RK: This is a Korn tour, and Rammstein are very happy to be invited to play with them. A lot of fans will attend the dhows just for Korn, and we’re aware of that fact. The essence of an evening like this isn’t for people to walk out saying that someone played the best, but for the to leave the venue and say that they had a fantastic evening and saw five great bands with five great performances. The goal for Rammstein is, being on the Korn tour, to be able to play for so many people and play as well as we can. Hopefully the other bands will do the same and it will be a smashing evening for everybody.

PG: What do you think it is about Rammstein that appeals to American audiences?

RK: If I would know why our success came so out of the blue in America, I would put together 10 bands and send them on the road, but it’s a mystery. The chemistry in the band is so essential because you have six characters onstage which are able to link the music and the lyrics, which fit together, to the public, the audience, and there is no f.cking way for the audience to turn away. They have to look at the stage because there is a singer who is able to express, in a very visual way, the songs with the lyrics, and each and every member of the band has a way to bring the message to you. In the end you are a part of it. Possibly, that is the reason why nobody can escape, and that is why everybody becomes hooked on Rammstein. For me, that is why Rammstein are the first metal ‘boy group » band in the world.

PG: “Metal ‘boy group’ band?”

RK: By that I mean, it’s not a normal band where you have a singer and the band behind them. With Rammstein you have six people onstage and each one of them is part of the visual aspect of the show, as you would have with a boy group band. You can watch anyone on stage and be satisfied by them.

PG: A heavy-metal answer to the Backstreet Boys?

RK: Yes. (Laughing) That’s a common term here in Europe, ‘boy group’. Also, Rammstein are very unique in a visual way. That makes our show unique.

PG: What are the influences that make Rammstein what it is?

RK: The thing is, we have six very different characters with different musical backgrounds. We were all friends, in different bands, and were unhappy with the bands we were playing in. There were six different meanings when you asked us what music meant to us. We were looking for a new style, one that would be both satisfying to play and listen to. That was our goal when we started. What’s also very important to know, it that grew up in former East Germany, behind the Iron Curtain, and the music that we could listen to was very limited. There were a lot of musical styles and bands that never got released in East Germany. That made us like a white piece of paper that wasn’t really influenced by anyone.

PG: So you weren’t listening to any of the American metal bands growing up, like KISS?

RK: Even in East Germany, you got the information coming across, and big bands, of course, you got information about. You didn’t have records at all though. You had to make tapes from second or third copies. KISS, for example, was an absolute phenomenon. They represented capitalism in its purest sense, and every child was KISS infected because they were so big. Kids wrote KISS on their notebooks, and if the teachers saw it they could get kicked out of school, just for having it written on their books. When I saw one of their videos in the U.S., it took all the illusions away from I what I thought they were about when I was a child. I used to have a poster of them in my room as a child, and when I was 12 years old my stepfather tore it down and into a thousand pieces. I was up all night trying to put it back together, and you can be sure it was hanging the next day. When I saw their video, my illusions faded away, of course you can’t keep the sentiments you had as a child because your imagination is so much bigger than the reality is.

PG: Were there any other American bands you listened to?

RK: KISS was a phenomenon, and you could read about them in a lot of magazines, even in East Germany. I tried to listen to other American bands as well, and as I got older I got really, really into one band, Big Black, a great industrial band.

PG: How about today? Any current bands you like?

RK: I listen to a lot of different bands now, but I’m not particularly a big fan of any one. I really like bands that do their own thing and have their own special way, like Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Suicidal Tendencies, Pantera…Bands with a unique style and a unique face to them.

PG: How long will you guys stay in the States? Is Family Values it, or will America have another chance to see you?

RK: I just hope to survive this tour! (Laughing) It will be the longest tour we’ve ever done. After the tour the most important thing, for me, will be to write another album. Of course, we’ll have to come back though, because America is like a second girlfriend…We’re in love, so we’ll have to come back.

PG: A second girlfriend! How does the first girlfriend feel?! (Laughter)

RK: The first girlfriend is Germany, and we’ve known each other for a long time. She can do without us for awhile!

PG: A lot of American bands can’t sell in America, but do well overseas, and the opposite is true for a lot of European bands. How does Rammstein manage both?

RK: We know magic! (Laughing) I don’t really have an answer for that because the only thing I know is that it’s happening! If it stop happening, we’ll question what we’re doing wrong and fix it, but so far it’s been perfect.

#Rammstein #Richard Kruspe #Till Lindemann #Paul Landers #Flake Lorenz #Oliver Riedel #Christoph Schneider #interview #1998 #*#*scans

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florrickandassociates · 3 years

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TGF Thoughts: 5x10-- And the violence spread.

So, that’s it for season five. I’m still trying to sort out how I feel about the season as a whole and Wackner’s arc. I’m hopeful that writing this will help me decide.

This episode has a Previously, and it’s rather conventional. I’m guessing it’s here to bookend the season, with conveying information being only a secondary objective.

Did we see Rivi scream, “You’re done, Wacko, you’re done! Canceled! Canceled!” in the last episode or is that new to this previously? I feel like I absolutely would’ve had things to say about a) Wackner being called “Wacko,” which has been RIGHT THERE this whole time, and b) the use of “Canceled,” which is a thing Rivi would never say but is VERY thematic (you know, cancel culture and also Wackner having a TV show and also this being a TV show that’s wrapping up* Wackner’s arc).

* The way things end this episode, I’d say we’re done with Wackner. The Kings have said they aren’t sure about the plan for season six, so never say never, but I think that if we see Wackner again, it will be as part of a different arc.

I went back to 5x09 and while we do see the same shots of Rivi screaming, whatever he’s saying in 5x09 is in Spanish. So either he was saying this in Spanish or the dialogue here is totally new.

I’m a little sad that I knew in advance Robert King had directed this episode, because I want to know how long it would’ve taken me to guess. I’d like to think this first shot, of Diane flopping down on her bed in a very pretty floral print dress, then Kurt flopping down in the opposite direction, would’ve given it away. We usually don’t get shots that are both striking and kinda balanced unless RK’s directing.

This also has some big season three opener vibes—the scene where Diane turns to Kurt and says, “I’m happy,” thus jinxing the entire season.

Diane and Kurt are about to go on vacation, which means, of course, that Diane and Kurt are definitely not about to go on vacation. I’ve watched 12 seasons of this show; I know all the tricks!

If I didn’t get it from the initial staging of the opening shot, the camera panning to Diane and Kurt’s suitcases and then back would’ve been another clue that RK directed. He ALWAYS has the camera in motion.

I love that Diane’s travel outfit is a dress you could wear to a fancy party and a statement necklace. Of course it is.

And if I needed evidence that RK and MK wrote this episode (which I didn’t; it is a finale so I knew they wrote it), Diane quoting Waiting for Godot is a clue there.

I really should read Waiting for Godot, shouldn’t I?

“Wow. Educated and a good lay,” Kurt responds. I know that the political stuff between Diane and Kurt can get more than a little murky, but banter like this reminds me why they stay together and why politics never drive them apart. Also, it’s really nice to see Diane and Kurt have some fun banter that isn’t about politics.

And Diane making kissing noises and asking Kurt to meet her halfway! This just feels like I’m spying on someone’s private life and I love it. Not in a voyeuristic way, since this is actually a little uncomfortably private, but in a, “ah, yes, these do feel like real people” way. This is the kind of “a little goes a long way” character moment I always want more of, and Kings episodes ALWAYS include stuff like this.

And there it is. The phone rings as Diane and Kurt are about to start out for the airport. Diane thinks the call must be for Kurt, but it’s for her. It’s a very flustered Liz, informing her that STR Laurie’s execs are on their way to the office for a surprise visit.

If the Diane/Kurt scene didn’t tell me that Robert King directed, I almost certainly would’ve gotten it from the sudden cut to Liz, walking through the hallways and doing a million things at once with a ton of background noise. No one loves chaos the way Robert King loves chaos.

This episode STRONGLY reminds me of the Wife season five finale. It is equally chaotic and also spins a ton of plates. But, mostly, the similarity I see between the two episodes is that they are both extremely fun and captivating to watch because of how much momentum they have, but everything just feels slightly hollow and not exactly focused on the thing you want to see.

(Shout out to my friend Ryan, who messaged me the 5x22 comparison before I could message it to him!)

I decided I should rewatch the first few minutes of 5x22. I am now 15 minutes into 5x22 of Wife and 2 minutes into 5x10 of Fight. Oops.

Apparently, STR Laurie planned a surprise visit because they heard RL was dysfunctional. You don’t say!

I felt like 5x09 concluded with STR Laurie being won over by Allegra and the RL team, so this is a bit of a surprising place to start the episode. But, since Diane seems surprised too, I’ll allow it.

Now Liz and Diane have 90 minutes to agree on a financial plan! Kurt’s on the phone with the airline before Diane even hangs up with Liz.

Diane is determined not to lose out on her vacation and asks Kurt to change the flight to 8:00. “Kurt, we are going on this vacation if it kills me!” is a line I would worry was foreshadowing on basically any other show.

The RL/STRL PowerPoint template is pretty ugly. They want to call 2021 their best year yet, thanks to the deal between Rivi and Plum Meadow Farms we saw last week. Even though we saw champagne and signatures, the deal isn’t done yet because Plum Meadow can back out if Rivi goes to jail.

RK also loves close-ups more than any other director on the show; I do not love close-ups.

The Plum Meadow deal is such a big deal that for the quarter, they go from $45 million to $5 million without it. They should just not say numbers. I can believe it’s big enough to take them from a modest profit to being behind projections or whatever, but I can’t believe that they have $5 million in other business and $40 million on this one deal.

It seems that Rivi was arrested. I don’t think it is ever said in this episode why. I assume the arrest relates to his behavior in Wackner’s court, since there were police officers there, and I suppose that Rivi is a big enough deal the police would actually take him to real court, but are we not going to address the weirdness of Rivi being arrested in a fake court where his employees are being tried, then taken to a real court by the same people who just an episode ago were disillusioned with real court? This seems like a plot point.

Carmen on a frantic phone call in the backseat of a car feels very 7x22.

Who is James that Carmen has in her contacts!? And why does everyone always put Liz in their contacts as “Elizabeth Reddick” when everyone calls her Liz?

Carmen calls Marissa to go argue in Vinetta’s court since she’s on Rivi duty. Carmen doesn’t take Marissa’s job in Wackner’s court seriously and then notes that this instruction is coming straight from Liz, so Marissa falls in line.

Wackner’s case of the week is about rural Illinois wanting to form its own state separate from Chicago. There’s a farmer who feels like his tax money is only going to the big city and he wants it to stay in his community.

They’ve just now added stage lighting to the set of Wackner Rules, dunno why they wouldn’t have done that earlier!

I don’t know what standing you’d have to have to bring a case about wanting to divide the state in two to court, or if this is even something a court would or should decide, but, sure, Wackner and Cord, go for it. There are no rules!

This map splitting Illinois into two new states that Cord is holding is a dumb prop because Galena, where this farmer is from, is in the same section as Chicago. Do I pause every reference to Chicago on this show and then google information to see if the writers bothered to look it up or pretend they’ve ever set foot in Chicago? You know I do.

“Secession!” the audience screams. Does the audience of Wackner Rules really want to see this?

A Good Fight Short! And it really is short: “Stop this obsession with secession and breaking up the Union. It’s boring and it’s dumb, end of song.” I feel like that’s the thesis statement for this episode, or one of them (that this episode seems to have about ten thesis statements is kind of my problem with this episode, tbh). This episode is very much about danger of things becoming too fractured—the COTW, the copycat courts, the firm drama—and I feel like the writers come around to just saying no, this is enough, we need structure and consistency.

But more on that later. MUCH more on that later.

Marissa is swearing more because “the world has required it.” She notes this to Wackner as she calls him out on the secession case. Cord barges in.

Take a look at the employee of the month poster on the back of the door at 5:39. Then at 5:40, look at what’s in the box just to the right of the center of the screen: it’s an employee of the month poster with Wackner on it! Cute easter egg. (Would Marissa definitely notice this and have questions? Yes. Is this here as a cute easter egg for eagle-eyed fans? Almost certainly.)

“Insane is just one step away from reality if you get people to believe, and you know what makes people believe? TV.” Cord explains when Marissa asks how they can possibly be litigating this case. That’s thesis statements two and three, folks. The first is that if you get people to believe, then anything is possible, which sounds like a tagline for a Disney movie but is actually super dangerous; the second is that reality TV is a way to persuade people and change opinions.

So we’ve got: (1) Factions are bad. (2) People are persuadable and the rules don’t actually matter. (3) Reality TV changes minds. Let’s see if there are more.

(Yes, these theses do kind of add up to a whole—The rules don’t matter, so if you persuade people, through reality tv, you get factions of people believing their own sets of rules and facts—but what I'm interested in tracking throughout this episode is how well the writers actually bring these theses together.)

(And this is setting aside that key themes in previous episodes, that I think many of us were looking for resolution on, included outlining the flaws with the extant “real” justice system and exploring the role of prison in the justice system. From this episode, I don’t think the writers ever intended to really tackle either of those issues. That’s fine—I'm not sure that TGF has something to say about prison abolition and I don’t want a thought experiment where the writers actually try to fix the legal system—but feels a bit disjointed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but 5x08 and 5x09 needed to do a better, clearer job of setting up this finale. The key themes of Wackner’s arc were always present, but they needed to slowly narrow the scope so the resolution felt inevitable and clear. Instead, we spent time on things like parking spaces (when we could’ve had a real plot about how Wackner’s court gains legitimacy through violence, incarceration, and playing on people’s frustration with the real systems) and Del’s focus groups (when we could’ve instead done a plot about Wackner gaining fans who wanted to use his methods to do ill). Everything I just mentioned in the parentheticals is in the show! It’s not subtext! We see it all! We see Cord use violence and prisons to enforce Wackner’s rulings; we see the cops turn to Wackner out of frustration; we see that the people drawn to Wackner Rules and to Wackner’s court are increasingly sounding more and more like right-wing populists! I can’t be too hard on this arc because, again, all these ideas are there. I’m not coming up with them on my own!)

I’m just saying: this ending would’ve been a lot clearer and a lot more interesting had the writers focused on what I mentioned above instead of the distractions of the last two episodes.

Whew, that was a ramble. Hope you’re ready for more rambles.

On a similar note, I’d like to reiterate my problems with how the writers used Marissa after the private prison reveal. I don’t have much more to say than what I wrote last week, but it’s another example of the same problem. Marissa objecting to Wackner’s court because she notices what it’s becoming and how Cord plans to use it for political gain (two Illinoises (??) changes the Senate and the Electoral College...) always was going to be part of the endgame. Marissa only seriously objecting after the fourth or fifth line Wackner crosses feels bizarre.

Cord does NOT like that there is another court, and wants to protect Wackner’s IP. Wackner, as we saw last episode, does not feel threatened by the other court. In fact, he seems to be excited by it.

I love Liz questioning Diane’s outfit like it’s unprofessional. It’s a little low-cut and showy, but I don’t think unprofessional is the word I’d use for it.

Now they have 45 minutes to decide The Future Of The Firm and Diane wants to be considered a name partner. Oh, that debate is still raging?! Every time I think it’s done it comes back, which should probably be a sign to Diane that her options are to leave and start something new, jettison Madeline and the others, or step down. Staying on as name partner and calling it a black firm is just not an option.

“Diane, there is a split in the firm that...” Liz starts, before asking some associates to leave the room. Ha! The reveal Liz and Diane aren’t alone is a pretty fun touch.

“The Black equity partners don’t want to be in your work group,” Liz informs Diane. “Because they think they’ll be punished by this firm?” Diane asks. “No, that’s paranoia. We don’t punish here,” Liz responds. “Of course you do. My fracking client. My union client. The Black lawyers who work on those cases—they're considered traitors” Diane says. “Because those CEOs are racists,” Liz counters.

Lots going on here, and I’m not sure I understand it all. Why would the equity partners—who are partners—feel like they’re being punished by being in Diane’s work group? (And also what does a “work group” mean and why haven’t they talked about it in the past?) When Diane starts talking about the lawyers who staff her clients, she’s not talking about equity partners; she is talking about associates.

And people are giving associates shit for working on Diane’s clients whom they happen to be staffed on!? That’s sad, though believable.

“So what do we do? Only bring in clients who can pass the racial smell test?” Diane asks. I mean, actually, yes. IF the goal is to be a black firm and to have that designation mean something in moral terms rather than marketing terms, then yes.

“It’s okay if you’re a drug kingpin like Rivi, but it’s not okay if you want me as lead attorney?” Diane says. Also, yes. Diane makes good points here.

“Diane, this is not about you,” Liz counters. Um, sure, but it has to be about something, Liz. Unless you’re trying to build a firm you don’t control that makes 88% of its revenue from a drug dealer (40 million out of 45 million this quarter = 88%; I told you they shouldn’t give me numbers) but happens to have black people in charge, you have to grapple with this question. I don’t think anyone who’s fighting for the firm to be a black-led (not owned, bc STRL) business is the type of person who thinks that having a black-led firm that does all the same shit as any other firm is in itself a good thing, so you NEED to address your client list. Madeline is anti-Rivi, anti-Cord, anti-Wolfe-Coleman (the rapist guy), pro-social justice, and pro having a black led firm.

“I mean, why... why do white people personalize this?” Liz asks. “Oh, now I’m just a white person?” Diane responds. I... don’t know what to do with this! Liz is right that Diane is taking this personally; Diane is right that Liz needs to deal with the rest of the client list. But no one is saying the things that REALLY need to be said: That all their decisions are meaningless in the shadow of STRL, and that deciding to be a black led firm isn’t the end of the discussion if they haven’t decided what types of clients they want to have.

“What happened, Liz? Last year we were intent on an all-female-run law firm,” Diane starts. Oh, THIS AGAIN! Diane never learns, does she? She never seems to realize that no one she’s approached with this idea is NEARLY as in love with it as she is. She probably still wonders to herself why Alicia—who partnered with her at the end of season seven basically just because it was the easiest, most frictionless thing to do—didn't seem more committed to their firm.

“Diane, there is history here that we are trying to...” Liz says, but Diane cuts in to note that women (women like Diane Lockhart!) have history too! In fact, she’s spent “35 years fighting gender discrimination to get to this position.” “And we have spent 400 years fighting racial discrimination to try and, you know...” Liz starts, before cutting herself off to get back to the ticking clock.

Sigh. Just talk about the actual thing instead of talking around the thing, guys. Diane is obviously deserving of A name partnership, in the abstract. This is an undeniable fact. And while Diane is definitely making this about herself rather than the big picture, I don’t think Liz trying to trump Diane’s 35 year career with the history of black people is going to win her any arguments? Like, just say what you mean and say it clearly. What Liz, I think, wants to express is that Diane’s individual accomplishments aren’t the issue here and everyone thinks she’s deserving (though Liz suggested Diane was not deserving a few episodes ago, which I didn’t understand then and don’t understand now). The problem is that Diane is trying to fight a battle that’s about something much larger than herself with, “but I'm a good lawyer!”

And that’s KIND OF what Liz is saying here, if I add all her sentences up and read between the lines, but, again, why not just say it?

“Alright, now we have 43 minutes to fix race relations, gender relations. STR Laurie’s gonna fire our asses, and you know it,” Liz says. I am curious what that would look like. Wouldn’t that just mean that STRL wouldn’t control them anymore? I’m sure being fired would be bad and all, but wouldn’t it free them from the contract they wanted out of last year?

“Let’s split the firm down the middle. I hire half the lawyers, you hire the other half,” Diane suggests. What does this mean? Why are you hiring your employees? Huh?

“You hire the white associates, and I hire the black associates?” Liz confirms. This seems like a very bad idea that would make things a lot worse and open them up to lawsuits! I also still do not know what they’re even talking about. And I don’t know why Allegra isn’t a part of this conversation.

“I’m not saying it’s good. I’m just saying it’s what we’re left with. It's what we can agree on,” Diane says. I really wish I understood what “hire” meant in this context because I don’t understand why they have to split anything or why this has to be done now and I don’t understand why this would possibly be a good solution. Can you imagine the backlash when people realize all the white people report to Diane and all the black people to Liz and that people were taken off of the accounts they’ve worked on for years to accomplish this? And this must be something that the employees would know about eventually; otherwise they could just randomly assign half to Liz and half to Diane.

I’m sad Madeline isn’t in this episode because I feel like we needed to see more of her POV as well as the associate POV. I don’t really understand the divides at play within the firm or what the staff and other partners are asking for, but I suspect it isn’t this.

Hallucination Jesus is back, and at least there’s actually a point to him this time (he shows up when Jay is in Vinetta’s court and reminds Jay that Vinetta will rule based on her religious beliefs). I still dislike the hallucinations.

Jay advises Marissa, who is Jewish, to talk a lot about Jesus in her defense.

Charmaine Bingwa is really great as Carmen, and obviously she is not fluent in Spanish, but it’s so funny to me that the only time you can hear that she’s Australian is when she’s trying to say Oscar like she’s speaking Spanish.

"I know you’re hiding something when you speak English,” Rivi says to Carmen. Heh.

“Community court” is such a nice, unthreatening term for referring to Wackner and his copy cats. Thanks for that, Carmen!

It’s a smart plan to mention Jesus a lot, I guess, but Jay and Marissa both should’ve realized that Vinetta is too smart to tolerate obvious pandering. I’m a little surprised Jay doesn’t get up and argue since Marissa is, obviously, not familiar with the New Testament.

Marissa wins this round with facts and logic.

Why is the judge who was handling Rivi’s previous charge now in bond court? Make it make sense.

I like that Carmen calls out the ASA for swearing hahaha

Why... would this Matteo kid just casually mention he was holding a gun, omg.

In Vinetta’s court, you can be charged with murder and tried because... you had a gun and also there were murders at other times. Coolcoolcool no problems here.

Community courts for civil cases? Sure. That’s basically arbitration. Community courts for criminal cases? Bad, bad, bad idea.

Vinetta’s reasoning: “Those murders happened on our street, and the police haven’t convicted anyone because they don’t care. We care. This is self-defense. And how is it different from your court?” Aside from the whole imprisoning people in her basement thing, Vinetta’s not wrong. I almost brought this up last week but hesitated because I couldn’t remember the details enough to decide if I wanted to recommend it, but there’s a book I read a few years ago that seems relevant here: Ghettoside by Jill Leovy. Again, been a while so don’t take this as a wholehearted endorsement or anything, but from what I remember, the central issue at the heart of the book (it’s non-fiction) is that a poor black community (I think in LA?) doesn’t trust the police (in part) because the police don’t solve murders, and then with no way of getting justice through the court system, there’s more violence as a stand-in for justice. https://www.vox.com/2016/8/26/12631962/ghettoside-jill-leovy-black-crime

I’m not sure if that’s QUITE what Vinetta is saying but it seems similar, and it’s a decent point (though not a justification for her court). Why should she trust the system to improve her community when it’s ignored her community for years?

I like that the writers chose two very different, very understandable characters for their community courts. It’s easy to see why Wackner and Vinetta feel the need for alternative courts; it’s easy to see why others would trust them. This arc doesn’t really work unless there’s a legitimate frustration with existing systems...

Marissa calls Wackner’s court a “joke,” which she should understand by now isn’t the case. (Marissa’s smart; she knew it wasn’t a joke the second she saw David Cord get involved.)

Vinetta accuses Wackner of copying her court, which alarms Marissa. This isn’t addressed again, and I don’t know if it’s true! I could really go either way on this. On the one hand, I absolutely believe that Wackner saw/heard about it, liked it, and did it himself without thinking much of it—and if this is the case, then the ending where Vinetta gets in trouble for violating Wackner’s IP is a lot more of a gut punch. On the other hand, I don’t really feel like the seeds for this were planted. We see Wackner innovate a lot and try new things and he has an explanation for why he does everything—how much of that is Vinetta? And Vinetta clearly watches the show and likes it or she wouldn’t have recognized Marissa, so it’s a little hard for me to just believe her claim when literally all I know about her is she has a court that looks like Wackner’s and she is aware of and feels positively towards Wackner rules. Also, Wackner knows about Vinetta’s court (from Marissa) and sounded excited about it last episode. Sure, he didn’t necessarily know which one it was, exactly, but I assume if he’d copied the idea and then heard about a case involving people from the exact same community where he found the idea... his reaction would be different. So IDK. My reasons for doubting Vinetta’s claim are probably based a little too much in things I’m not meant to spend that much time paying attention to.

“I fucked up. It’s in the same court, but now it’s a murder case,” Marissa tells Diane. I do like hearing characters admit when they fucked up!

Diane hears that STRL is delayed, so she heads out to help Matteo. When she goes to change into her pantsuit, she finds that she’s grabbed Kurt’s bag by mistake. “Of course. That makes sense,” she reacts.

Diane pushes her flight to the next day, also telling Kurt, “And yes, for some reason, I took your suit instead of mine, so fuck it.” I love it when the characters feel like real people.

I am not sure why Kurt is getting to the office when Diane is leaving or why Kurt is there—to pick Diane up on the way to the airport, maybe?

Carter Schmidt walks into RL at the worst possible time, threating to blow up the Plum Meadow deal. Another 5x10 to Wife 5x22 similarity: he’s in both episodes.

Liz heads out to help Carmen with Rivi, and then STRL arrives. Oops.

Credits!

One thing about Wackner’s court that should definitely be a warning sign even though it seems noble: he ignores just about every warning sign, like this rowdy crowd screaming WE LOVE YOU WACKNER or the potential interests at play in a case about secession, because he thinks his fair judgement can overcome these obstacles. If the world worked that way, there’d be no need for his court in the first place.

Is anyone representing the State of Illinois in this trial? If not, then... how is it happening?

Dr. Goat, some dude who claims to have some hidden historical document about how Illinois is actually two states, is clearly making stuff up and yet Wackner indulges him and Cord. I feel about this the same way as I feel about the Devil’s Advocate: That Wackner would not allow this to go on for more than five seconds before calling bullshit and therefore there is no reason I should have to sit through it.

Why is some guy screaming, “No taxation without representation” like dude you absolutely have representation. But of course, I’m expecting him to be logical, and the point is that he is not.

Dr. Goat’s Latin phrases—shock!-- don’t actually translate into anything like what he said. Even though this information is verifiable by a quick google search, the crowd starts screaming “Liar!!!!” at Marissa. If only I could say this felt unrealistic.

Wackner asks Dr. Goat to bring in the document.

“You look like you’re heading to the beach,” Vinetta says to Diane, who looks like she’s heading somewhere but definitely not to the beach. Vinetta asks where Diane was headed on vacation. Diane says she’s headed to Lake Como, and unnecessarily clarifies that “It’s in Italy.” She assumes Vinetta doesn’t know that... but Vinetta does.

“So you’ve been there before?” Vinetta probes when Diane says it’s beautiful there. “Just once. We don’t get away often. We thought we’d splurge,” Diane says. Vinetta stares at her and smiles, and Diane hits her head on a basket that’s hanging in Vinetta’s kitchen. If I just write out the dialogue here, it sounds like a perfectly average conversation, but everything about this conversation is so charged: Diane is afraid to look like a wealthy white woman; Vinetta’s pleasantness is pretty clearly also a way of sizing up Diane.

Vinetta shows Diane pictures of neighborhood children and young adults killed as a consequence of gang violence. You can see she’s not trying to do anything other than help her community, even if her methods are highly questionable.

Diane argues that Matteo should be given over to the police; Vinetta disagrees: “The police haven’t arrested anyone for those murders, any of these. Since the BLM movement, they’ve pulled back from our streets. No one’s coming to help. That’s why I started this court. It’s not a joke to us.” Wait I’m sorry did Vinetta just blame lack of good detective work in black communities on... the BLM movement?!?!?! Is there any foundation to this!? Why can’t it just be that the police weren’t actually doing a good job of policing/finding justice and were being antagonistic towards the community instead of being helpful and no one trusted them?? That explanation is literally right there.

Jay suggests the Jesus strategy, again.

“It’s women! We could just move on, install men,” STRL guy says. I don’t know if he’s joking, but ugh. Also, what is RL if it has neither Diane nor Liz? A bunch of lawyers who will all promptly quit when they see their bosses get fired and a few opportunists?

Kurt is watching golf in Diane’s office, and the STRL people love it. Of course Kurt accidentally makes friends with them.

Court stuff happens. It’s not good for Rivi, and then Liz and Carmen come up with a theory: Plum Meadow is stalling the deal so they can find Rivi’s more stable second and make a deal with them instead.

Wackner giving Dr. Goat a single point on his stupid little board, for any reason related to his obviously fake totally unverified document, is dangerous. Why would you signal to a crowd that’s clearly not interested in fact that they have a point? That’s basically egging them on.

I know Wackner’s judgment is obviously not 100% sound—need I remind you of the PRIVATE PRISONS?-- but I thought it was more sound than this.

Wackner shows off his knowledge of paper and proves that Dr. Goat’s document is a fake. Why... did he just give Dr. Goat a point???

Or is he moving the point from Dr. Goat to Marissa?

Dr. Goat sounds like a fake name I would call a character in my recaps long past the point of anyone other than myself remembering the joke. (See: Mr. Elk)

“The truth is ugly. The only thing uglier is not pursuing it,” Wackner tells Marissa. How is taking on a case about very obvious falsehoods, funded by someone with a vested interest in the case, that gets people riled up, some noble pursuit of truth?

STRL and Kurt are now drinking and discussing hunting, while Diane’s arguing for Matteo in Vinetta’s living room. Vinetta is—as was always obvious, sorry Jay—far too smart to fall for this patronizing bullshit. She screams at Diane and plays back a recording (on a baby monitor) of Diane coaching Matteo to lie about his faith.

Soooooo yeah no you can’t do that, that is bad, recording conversations between lawyers and their clients is not good even if it leads to you exposing their schemes...

Then Vinetta places Diane under arrest, which obviously isn’t going to end well for Vinetta.

Liz and Carmen suggest a post-nup to Rivi to see if Isabel is planning on turning on him.

“I’m going to have to kill her,” Rivi says sadly. I don’t think Rivi will ever kill Isabel because we already did that with Bishop.

I’m going to assume that Diane chooses to stay in basement prison instead of calling one of the many, MANY, MANY people she could call to get her out/take down Vinetta because she doesn’t want the situation to be publicized or further deteriorate. That said, it’s really not clear why Diane just accepts being sentenced to basement prison with a cell phone.

Love the STRL man looking at that picture of Diane and HRC. They’ve gotten so much mileage out of that photo.

Wackner’s court has no rules, but at least since it has no rules, I can’t complain about how its rules make no sense!

What is this, debate practice?! Ugggghhhhh I can’t deal with this case for much longer.

Marissa takes a breath, then decides to pursue a strategy she knows could blow everything up.

“Then why care what Judge Wackner decides? Why should you defer to him? Why defer to anyone?” Cord says that’s the point—the people have decided to trust Wackner. “So if you don’t like this court’s decision, you’ll just start a new one?” Marissa asks. “I guess,” Cord concedes.

“So then why does this matter? This court?” “It matters only insofar as we continue to agree that it matters,” Cord says. “So if you don’t like Judge Wackner’s rulings, you can just ignore them and create a new court?”

Good point, Marissa. Good point. (Does this count as a thesis?)

“I’m guessing that I will like the way the judge decides,” Cord says. Well, that’s basically a threat.

Wackner takes a break and heads to chambers—without Marissa.

Kurt goes to visit Diane in basement jail. He’s granted a conjugal visit, which means Matteo gets moved up to the bedroom so Diane and Kurt can have some alone time.

Diane is staring at an image of Lake Como in her cell. I thought it was odd she brought a printout of her vacation destination with her, so I LOVED the line where she explains that Vinetta printed it out for her. COLD. (You know who also would’ve done this if they’d for some reason had a basement prison? Bree Van de Kamp. You know what show DID do a basement prison arc I’d rather forget? Desperate Housewives!)

I love how Diane responds to basement prison by making jokes non-stop.

“I thought the craziness would end with 2020,” Diane says. Nope.

Kurt brought alcohol; Diane brought pot gummies.

I love that Kurt has never had pot before. I was going to say that I bet Diane’s had a few experiences with recreational drugs when I remembered we had a whole damn season of Diane microdosing.

Christine and Gary’s acting and their chemistry really bring these basement prison scenes to life. The writing and directing are really sharp, but it’s the actors who make these scenes something special. You can tell Diane and Kurt love each other a lot. You can tell they’re disappointed about their vacation and exhausted by the chaos of the day. You can tell they’re in disbelief over this situation but also find it funny.

Didn’t Rivi and Isabel have an adult daughter who died of COVID a few episodes ago? Weird she isn’t mentioned in this scene. Maybe from a different marriage/relationship?

Isabel called the SA’s office because she thinks Rivi’s a threat? I think this is a power play.

Heh, Carmen saying, “Shut a black woman up!?” in disbelief in court. Love it.

Isabel instead flips her story and supports her husband and fights for his release. With no intervention from Plum Meadow, this gets the judge to free Rivi. I don’t really understand what’s happened here or why. I get the resolution, but I don’t get why Isabel called the SA or why this went away so quickly. I still don’t even get why Rivi’s been arrested.

Diane and Kurt put up Christmas lights for ambiance and talk about how they never go on vacation.

“I wanna see the pyramids on this coast!” drunk & high Kurt insists, hilariously. “I mean hemisphere. I like the Aztecs. They, they care about people.” I’m not going to transcribe the rest of the dialogue because it loses its magic when you’re not watching the scene.

After some fun banter about travel and movies, Diane changes the topic. “I should quit, shouldn’t I? That judge upstairs? She looked at me like I was the most entitled white bitch on the planet. And that’s the way they look at me at work.”

Kurt tries to say that’s not true, but Diane knows it is: “Yes they do. I’m the top Karen. And why do I care? I mean, I... I could find another firm. I could quit. I can’t impose my will on people who don’t want me.”

YES. I see a lot of debate over what the “right” thing to do is here. But I think we are long past “right” and “wrong.” At a certain point, this stops being about absolute moral truths. If Diane doesn’t have the respect of her partners and employees, that is a very real problem for the firm and for Diane. How can she continue to impose her will on a firm that doesn’t want her, all the while claiming to be an ally? (The back half of that sentence is the most important part.) Forget whether or not Diane “should” have to step down. Forget what’s “fair.” If the non-Diane leadership of RL thinks the firm should be a black firm, and the employees of RL think so too, and Diane just doubles down on her white feminism, she’s creating an even bigger problem for herself and ruining her reputation in the process.

Kurt stands up on the prison cot and warns Diane she might make a decision she’ll regret. This scene is so cute. Why can’t other shows do drug trips where the characters just act silly and have great chemistry? Why does it always have to be some profound meditation on death whenever characters get high?

“I think I like starting over. I like the chutes and ladders of life. I mean, I want the corner office, but then I wanna slip back to the beginning and fight for the corner office. I mean, I think maybe it’s better that I don’t get the top spot,” Diane says. LOVE to hear her admit this. I’m not sure I would’ve come to this conclusion on my own, and it sounds like it’s a bit more about how the writers like to write (you know, the “we love our characters to always be underdogs”) than Diane, but... you know what? I believe it. I fully believe it. Diane LOVES to fight, LOVES to feel like she’s in the right, LOVES power plays and to be making progress. She LOVES winning. The fact that she isn’t just choosing to retire right now, even though she’s past retirement age and has a great reputation, is in itself enough for me to believe that she would find it fun to repeatedly start over.

Plus, it’s a fun new direction for the show to take in season six, because they’ll get the same sense of conflict without the actual conflict. This season’s arc was firm drama and resulted in a firm name change... but it didn’t feel like a knock-off of Hitting the Fan. Diane trying to work her way back into power (I assume by becoming a better actual ally, otherwise doesn’t she just end up in the same exact situation?) should also provide conflict without being repetitive.

Hahahahahaha Kurt immediately reacting to this serious statement by being incredibly silly and horny and then Diane singing “I Touch Myself” to him, man, I love these two. I want to know the story behind this song choice.

Wackner emerges from his chambers. The score is tied. Wackner calls Cord corrupt and notes that they can’t just decide to call Downstate Illinois a new state based on his ruling. Now it’s thesis time!

“I was taken by Mr. Cord’s arguments of individualism. So much of our country has been built on people finding their own way, not being held back by bureaucracy. Yet, if we only follow individualism, that way lies chaos. And that was not the point of this court. Or at least not my point. Judgment for the defense. There will be no Downstate Illinois.”

“If we only follow individualism, that way lies chaos.” is probably the clearest of the many theses of this episode. To recap, we have:

(1) Factions are bad. (2) People are persuadable and the rules don’t actually matter. (3) Reality TV changes minds. (4) Institutions only exist when we collectively agree they exist (5) Individualism = chaos.

But let’s put a pin in this for now and let the chaos of individualism play out.

The crowd does not like Wackner’s decision, and decides that an appropriate way to express their displeasure is to make anti-Semitic remarks towards Marissa and then start throwing chairs. What nice people.

As the crowd goes totally 1/6 on Wackner’s court (thanks for pointing this out to me, Ryan—I cannot believe I didn’t make the connection myself!), the door slamming into the desk finally pays off since Marissa and Wackner are able to use it to keep the crowd from reaching them.

They immediately turn to the police, or they would, if they could get service. I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that as soon as things get bad, they want to involve the existing system.

Wackner Rules is, somehow, still taping in the midst of all the chaos. I don’t know if I think they’d air this, but someone certainly would. (I wonder if any of the cameras we see in these scenes are actually the cameras filming the other angles of the riot.)

Cord shakes his head and walks out, unharmed.

“You think they’ll kill us?” “I think they might,” Marissa and Wackner fret.

“My dad said the whole world would be a better place if everybody realized they were in the minority. ‘No matter where you are,’ he said, ‘Make sure you keep an eye on the exits, and make sure you’re closer to the exit than the Cossacks are to the entrance.’” Marissa says. Love Eli Gold coming through with thesis number 6 (and maybe thesis number 7).

“Your dad sounds a little paranoid,” Wackner says, correctly. Remember how I mentioned I accidentally wound up watching 5x22? Eli calls Alicia and responds to her hello with, “DISASTER!!!!” I miss him.

“He was, but he wasn’t wrong. He said, ‘Stay away from parades. They’re cute until they’re not. And don’t trust any pope who was Hitler Youth.” “What’s that law called?” “Godwin’s Law. My dad said anybody who argued for Godwin’s Law has never been near an actual crowd. Crowds love you, they hug you. Then they grab a gun and try to kill you.”

“Why? Why do they do that?” “I don’t know. Hate is fun. It’s clear-cut.”

I really like all of this. It is a little preachy, but it isn’t wrong and it’s self-aware. And, more importantly, it’s in character. I absolutely believe that Marissa would tell lots of stories about Eli in a moment of extreme stress. It’s nostalgic, probably comforting, and it also helps her feel like she’s on the right side with the right arguments. So, even backed into a corner, she’s still a winner: she has theory on her side.

Wackner speaks a foreign language (I do not know what language but I wish I did) and says, “A guy could get killed doing this,” which makes him and Marissa laugh as things crash around them.

Idk about you all, but I couldn’t really get myself to actually worry about their safety during this scene. Maybe Wackner’s, just a little, but I got the sense we were supposed to focus more on the chaos and destruction and monologuing than on the actual danger. That’s not to say the stakes didn’t feel high, but rather to say that this didn’t feel like an action sequence where you don’t know what’s going to happen next. The point was to watch the court fall and think about why it fell, not to worry about if Marissa would live.

Diane and Kurt are woken up by sirens and loud noises. The cops arrive and are shocked to find professionally dressed white people in a basement cell. They let Diane and Kurt out with compassion, but scream, “don’t you fucking move” to the people on the floor.

“It’s okay, they didn’t do anything,” Diane says. This is, as I theorized earlier, probably why Diane just sits there until her punishment blows over instead of escalating things.

If the cops weren’t there to free Diane, why were they there? Why, because they like David Cord and David Cord has gotten Chicago PD officers to protect Wackner’s IP.

If I had to say one thing in favor of Vinetta being the originator of the community court idea, it would be that it’s SUCH a gut punch to watch Diane and Kurt walk away from their bizarre little adventure as Vinetta gets arrested in the background, and it hits ten times as hard if Vinetta’s only being charged because some white guy is claiming IP that’s actually hers.

(I think Vinetta is probably, at this point, actually being arrested for imprisoning people illegally, but, still.)

“Pfft. Some judge,” one of the cops who adores Wackner says of Vinetta. Racist much?

Marissa and Wackner emerge from the backroom. “I think I better get back to work,” she says, meaning her RL job. "Me too,” Wackner says, grabbing a Copy Coop apron. He’s an employee of ten years.

I don’t think this lands as well as it’s meant to. I think the point is supposed to be that Wackner’s just some guy—not a billionaire, not an academic, not a judge, not a lawyer—with an idea. But it’s a little too neat. And it doesn’t explain how Wackner financed his court initially, nor does it explain why he has basically unlimited access to Copy Coop space and resources. I’d buy it if he were the OWNER of Copy Coop, but I have so many questions about him being an employee.

Diane tells Liz she’s actually going on vacation this time, and they laugh about how Kurt bonded with STRL.

“I want you and Allegra to be name partners. I’ll be an equity partner,” Diane says. “Why?” Liz asks. “Five years ago, when I hit rock bottom, this firm took me in. So I don’t like the idea of splitting this firm in two. And I can’t lead if no one will follow.” “And your clients?” “We’ll manage them together.” YES! I love this. I don’t love it because I necessarily think it had to go this way, but because it’s so refreshing to see Diane say that she actually is willing to take a step back because she cares about the firm and the people there more than she cares about being a name partner. This isn’t something we usually see. When we hear “this firm took x in” it’s usually being said incredulously against someone who’s decided to leave and steal clients (cough, Hitting the Fan, cough).

It’s been pretty clear for most of this arc that Diane and Liz like working together and they like their firm, but that no one (other than Diane, I guess) is willing to let RL lose its status as a black firm, and that the employees and equity partners weren’t going to be satisfied until Diane stepped down. Diane really had three options: Stay and piss everyone off and claim the whole firm for herself, quit and go somewhere else and totally abandon the good working dynamic she had, or step down and put her money where her mouth is.

Also yeah the clients were never actually going to be an issue! They were only an issue because Diane intentionally went about informing them she was stepping down in a way she knew would make them worry!

“I think I need to prove myself,” Diane says. I’m not sure that’s the key issue or that she can ever prove herself fully, but we’ll worry about that next year.

“I missed you,” Liz says. “I’m here,” Diane replies. “I know. Thank you,” Liz says.

Diane decides she’s going to move downstairs so Allegra can have her office. I think there’s another office on this floor, since she, Adrian and Liz all had offices. This feels a little bit like Diane’s in love with the idea of making things difficult for herself and maybe hasn’t fully grasped the point, but, you know, I’ll take it.

Diane tells Kurt her decision and he asks if it was the right thing to do. She says she doesn’t know—but she says it with a smile. Kurt notes he’s going hunting next month with the STRL folks and will put in a good word for her. Ah, yes, because STRL still controls all of this and all of this is moot! Thanks for the reminder Kurt! Diane says she wants in on the hunting trip. Of course.

And the elevator doors close. Remember how closing elevator doors was a motif earlier this season??? It’s back!

Then we get a little coda with Wackner Rules airing a new episode that’s just violence and destruction. This sequence seems to straddle the line between being there for thematic reasons for the viewers and there to show what happened in the show’s universe, but I think it’s main purpose is theme, so I will not go on a full rant questioning why Del would want to air this.

A white blonde lady in an apron watches the destruction of Wackner Rules. She looks concerned. “That was violet,” she says with dismay. And then we see she’s holding a guy in a jail cell in her kitchen.

And then we see other courts, as America the Beautiful plays. One’s in a garage debating kicking someone out of the neighborhood; another is across the street about the same case. There’s one in Oregon about secession. There’s one among Tiki Torch Nazis deciding only white people can own property. There’s (inexplicably) one about pronouns. There’s one with arm wrestling, one that happens while sky diving, and a bunch of others. It’s pretty ridiculous, and not necessarily in a good way. It feels at once like the natural extension of the Wackner Rules show and like an over the top parody you’d see on another show. Tiki Torch Nazis screaming “only white people can own property!” is the opposite of subtle writing. Tonally, this sequence feels more like the zany humor of Desperate Housewives or the insanity of BrainDead than anything TGF has done before (and TGF’s been plenty surreal), and it doesn’t quite work for me. It feels like it is trying to prove a point in the corniest, most on the nose way possible. It almost feels like it’s parodying its own plotlines.

On my first watch, this ending for Wackner left me stumped. I knew the writers were making an argument against individualism (Wackner’s speech + the repeated references to The Apprentice) and cults of personality. But I couldn’t figure out a real life analogue to Wackner’s court, and since this ending was so obviously trying to be About Something, that bugged me. Sure, that last sequence could be an argument against people making community courts, but WERE people making community courts? I didn’t see the urgency.

And then I talked to @mimeparadox. And as soon as he said that it was about factions and people playing by their own sets of rules beyond the justice system, it clicked. I’d been looking for Wackner’s plot to be a commentary on the legal system. It is much broader than that. It’s a commentary on the weakening of democratic systems (the Big Lie, etc.), more broadly, and Wackner and his common-sense approach are just a way to get liberal viewers to go along for the ride.

Now that I understand the point, or what I think is the point, I like this conclusion. Circumventing the system leads to chaos; that’s why we have institutions and bureaucracy, and I think the show is arguing that these institutions should still be respected despite their flaws. The many theses of this episode all come together to make this point (though the reality TV stuff is a little more tenuous and I'm a little shocked we got through all of this without any commentary on social media?): If we stop having a shared belief in institutions and instead follow individual leaders (whom we may learn about through reality TV), the rules will stop mattering and we’ll end up with a fractured country and widespread violence.

But, and maybe this is just about me being upset I missed both the obvious 1/6 parallels AND the point of the arc the first time through this episode (my defensive side feels the need to also note I first watched this episode at like 5 am when I was barely awake), I don’t know that I actually think this episode does a great job of driving its point home. There are SO many moving pieces to the Wackner plot and SO many references. There are so many threads we never return to from earlier in the season, and there’s so much that strains credulity (like Wackner taking Dr. Goat seriously for more than a split second). It’s pretty clear what the themes are—even though I’m saying I missed the point my first time through, I've hit on all these themes separately in past recaps and posts—but, I dunno, something about this episode just feels scattered. Maybe it’s all the moving pieces, maybe it’s all the moments where it sounds like the characters are voicing related ideas that don’t quite snap together to form one coherent picture, or maybe it’s that Wackner’s plot gets two endings (the actual ending + the coda) and it’s up to the viewer to put together how they relate.

I really don’t know. At the end of the day, I think there was a little too much going on with Wackner and that the writers needed to use the episodes between the private prison reveal and the finale to narrow—not broaden—the scope of what they were trying to do with Wackner. But I also think that what they were doing with Wackner was really, really smart and original. I don’t think I can overstate how impressed I am that the writers took an idea that sounded, frankly, awful when I first heard about it and turned it into something captivating and insightful that I was happy to spend nine weeks watching.

Overall, a few bad episodes aside, I thought season five was the strongest season of TGF yet. I haven’t seen this show be so focused in... well, maybe ever. Having two overarching plots that received consistent development and felt like they were happening in the same universe at the same time REALLY helps make season five feel like a coherent whole, and I can’t wait to rewatch it.

#tgf thoughts #the good fight

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wrctings · 4 years

Text

Bill Guarnere x Reader | Not without you

i really wanted to write about bill (of course all my respect goes to the real veteran, this is only based on the show) ❣️ warnings: cursing, strong language

It is with an irritated grunt that you hoist yourself upon one of the stools facing the bar, the heavy sigh that erupts from the depths of your irked mood shattering the frisky and overly-joyful atmosphere that came with off-duty nights of such kind. Under different circumstances, you were certain to have wholeheartedly relished in whatever celebration your friends were engaged in, either joining a heated game of darts — always resulting in the trade of many packs of cigarettes before a crowd of sprightly figures —, or partaking in an often drunken yet dedicated rendition of a song you do not always know the precise lyrics of. But on that evening, even as you recognise many bright faces that you trusted unquestionably and would be sure to spend a good time with among the swarm of uniforms, the exuberant force that would have pulled you straight to them had been receding due the very cause of your acrimony. Namely, Bill Guarnere.

Even though the black-haired man has not yet noticed your coming in, busy downing a beer to Joe Toye and Babe Heffron’s cheering, you had made sure to pinpoint his exact location so as to contrive better ways to escape from the Sergeant’s attention. If you weren’t going to enjoy your night as plentifully as you would have without the incident that had caused your rancour, at least you would rather do so out of sight from the one who ruined it for you.

“Why the long face, Sergeant?”

You dismally swing around your stool, meeting George Luz’s playful grin. As he takes a better look at your indeed disheartened expression, your friend sits beside you, repeating in his best Cpt. Sobel voice:

“Sergeant, if you disobey a direct order by not telling me what’s going on, I’ll cancel all of your weekend passes. Forever.”

With George’s sudden materialisation and comforting humour, your spirits raise slightly and you even crack a smile, catching the gleeful twinkle in the soldier’s eyes. And yet, even with the effervescent talking pounding against your eardrums and the strong wafts of alcohol intertwined with smoke inundating the room from all parts, synonymous to the parties you took such delight in after days of combat and agonising battling against your own fear and torment, you still don’t feel like leaving your corner. In addition to this, Luz’s casual kindness only increases your resentment toward Guarnere.

“What the hell is a weekend pass anyway?” you shoot back, half-amused. Ever since Easy Company made their jump in Normandy, weeks ago, Toccoa Camp and Captain Sobel’s tantrums have seemed so far away. ‘Going back’ now refers to Albourne, which, although not quite being home, nonetheless became a place whose name resonated with a sense of warmth that is always welcome after days of duty.

George makes his pint of beer slide toward you on the surface of the bar counter, as though attempting to cheer you up differently as he notices that your state of mind hasn’t grown much merrier. “Drink up, Y/n. What’s the matter with you? Go get shit-faced while you still can,” he encourages you in a manner not at all subtle.

“Thanks, George.” You comply, thankful, and take a gulp from his drink — the stream of alcohol prickles the inside of your mouth, its hardly-resistible appeal already enticing you to take another sip. “I won’t give this back to you, you know that, right?”

“How dare you, Sergeant, this is United States army property!” The man doesn’t lose an occasion to impersonate Sobel again, this time succeeding in extracting a laugh from you.

“There you are!”

Your attention then gets drawn by another silhouette emerging from the mass of clustered soldiers, striding toward Luz and you while clutching an empty pint of beer in each hand.

“Hey, it’s Joe Toye himself!” George heartily pats his friend on the back. “Coming back for more?”

“Hell yeah,” the other man approves, slamming his load of glasses upon the piece of furniture before him. “Get me another drink, will you?” He shouts toward the man behind the bar, signaling for the private to get him a refill, before turning to you. “So, what are you doing here?” he inquired, bemused. “Why aren’t you out there partying? By that time of the night we’re usually third-wheeling for you and Garno.”

“What?” you almost choke on your beer, staring at Toye in bewilderment.

“Cut the crap, Y/n, we all know about you and Bill,” Joe rolls his eyes, smiling slyly. “He won’t stop looking around any chance he gets, so you better get your ass up there before he loses it.”

“Well why don’t he? If he likes replacing me so much, why don’t he j*rks himself off on his own.” Your stark reply startles both your friends, though Luz interrupts the bitter trail of thoughts that is already running through your mind again.

“What the hell happened back there?” he asks incredulously, taken aback by the sharpness of your tone.

“Shit, I think I know what this is about,” Joe sighs, even ignoring the beers that were just delivered to him. He frowns, trying to piece back together what he thinks may be the reason for your tartness. “Last time we were out fighting Guarno went outta his way to do something Y/n was ordered to. He got yelled at by Lipton for that. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen you with us ever since. Not when Bill was around, at least. Is that what’s going on?”

“I—”

“Y/n,” George cut you off insistently, having payed attention to the story. “We already got Krauts tryina kill us, it ain’t gonna make it any easier if some of us turn against each other. Let’s go have fun, okay?” he beseeches you and Toye, glancing at the bustling room.

“Fine, but he ain’t off the hook,” you consented on reflection, seizing the pint that you’ve monopolised from Luz as you hopped off your chair. Now that your friends are by your side, the prospect of facing Bill doesn’t seem as tedious — wickedly tempting, even. You want to come clean with him, to spit out every ounce of anger you’ve been harbouring in his face, or simply ignore him until he isn’t able to take it any longer. Either way, you want to hurt him as much as he hurt you, belittling you in the line of duty without an explanation, without a single word to explain what was going on. If he can push you around this easily, making you look like you aren’t able to handle the situation on your own, then you have nothing to do with him anymore.

“Just try not to kill him right away,” Joe swiftly turns around to give you a quick smile as you follow the two men through the room to the clinking of glass. “We still need men to fight the war, remember?”

Alongside Toye and Luz, you find your way toward the table Babe, Guarnere and Johnny are established at, drinking and talking loudly while their sentences are punctuated by sniggers and exclamations.

“I found some friends of ours who got lost, had to show ‘em the way,” Joe announces humorously as your party stops in its tracks, greeting your fellow paratroopers. You act carefully as to ignore Bill’s gaze, only giving Johnny and Babe a pleased smile, and keep on standing by Luz without coming any closer to Guarnere.

Though a small part of you is itching to witness the puzzled look that makes its way upon the Sergeant’s face when you don’t return his salutation, you refuse to yield to further temptation and join George and Babe’s discussion instead. You hope to make Bill understand that as long as he doesn’t apologise — or at least tries to vindicate his action, if it is possible —, you are going to act as if nothing had ever gone down between you two. But the truth is, some things have gone down between the two of you, which makes it even harder to stifle the painful feeling that you’ve been carrying around ever since your return to England. The faded touch of Guarnere’s lips still haunts yours, the dimmed feel of his hands still runs along your back. Yet the desire to feel them again is checked by the flashing picture of him departing on the double as you and Carwood exchanged a dismayed look, Bill shouting that he could take care of it just as you were about to obey Lipton’s command. Does he really deem you unable to manoeuvre NT? You don’t know how to else construe his gesture — he must have known what he was doing, because you have never ever since anyone else behave this way on the front line. In the field, you do as you are ordered to, without questioning whom your CO delegates tasks.

“Hey, Y/n! D’you remember how that song Babe was hummin’ in his sleep went? When we were in the truck.” Guarnere’s voice however reaches you at last, and this time you have no choice but to finally set your eyes upon him with a glare, sparing him none of your displeasure.

“No,” you answer curtly, shifting your attention back onto whatever Luz is saying. But you do recall how the song went, and your heart falters a little when you imagine Bill’s optimism dying out, the man’s speech growing quieter. If only you could resent him as intensely as he upset you.

You keep your interactions with Bill’s corner of the table to a minimum throughout the evening. Although you have eventually relaxed enough to actually take an active part in the chattering all around you, mostly laughing along and sharing anecdotes with Babe and Luz — who are further away from Guarnere —, your pride is still hurt from the latter’s lack of account for his actions. You had confided in Bill how arduous it had been for you to find a place in the army, let alone rise through the ranks, so his carelessness digs particularly deeply into your sensitivity. He, of all people, should have known how hard you tried, and yet he had disregarded it by treating you as if you weren’t capable enough.

“Well, boys, some people care about a good night’s sleep, so I’m heading off,” you finally declared after finishing your second pint of bear, stretching your arms out before you depart.

“Already, Sarge? Who knows when we’ll get another night like this,” George tries to change your mind, slightly wavering from tipsiness and exhilaration. “C’mon, we ain’t gotta jump tomorrow.”

“Yes, George, but I feel like you’ll end up jumping from tables in a few hours, and I don’t wanna break my neck joining ya,” you joked, patting your friend on the back. “Good night boys, take it easy.”

“Yes Ma’am,” Babe chuckled, contradictorily taking another sip from his drink. “Good night, Y/n. Don’t let the drunks hook up with you on the way.”

“There’s no chance.”

You spin on your heels after wishing your friend to have a good end of night, then heading toward the exit the room while navigating between the tables and inebriated groups of soldiers stumbling by, and disappear inside the corridor meant to lead you outside the building. As the English family that you are quartered with lives nearby, sneaking into their house this late at night isn’t a problem as long as you remain discreet.

When the door closes on you, the buzzing sound of the bubbling men you left behind is still ringing in your ears and the faint smell of smoke hasn’t quite dispersed yet, echoes from the on-going party reverberating in the empty corridor. The aftertaste of alcohol is still burning your tongue, but you shiver, away from the warmth of the packed room where elation is chasing the Battalion’s fears and concerns away — far, far away.

However, you don’t get much time by yourself as the thumping of footsteps arising from the direction you left draws your attention, making you turn around to get yourself acquainted with whoever else is roaming the hallway. You cannot help but scowl as you recognise the man: you didn’t know whether you expected anything from Bill, but now seems to be the time to find out.

“Y/n, wait,” he calls out for you, so you stop — now could be the time to finally get everything off your chest. As he levels with you, Guarnere’s expression appears defensive, worked up. “What the hell is going on with you?” he asks abruptly, and your eyes anchor into each other’s at last. Your anger swells, enlarged by his unawareness.

“What the hell is going on with me?” You snap in response, the muscles of your body stiffening as you attempt to keep yourself steady.

“Yes, what’s your fucking problem!” he immediately retorts, eyebrows severely knitted together. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m sorry Bill, I thought you were too busy trying to prove everyone how tough you are and how good you are and doing other people’s jobs!” you bite back, unable to quench your outburst of rage. “If you think I’m only worth fucking, you better get the hell out of here immediately. Go get laid with someone else, because I was clearly mistaken about you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” You can see that Bill is still mad, but confusion mixes in with his aggressive comeback as he tries to make sense of your answer. “I don’t fucking get it!”

“Oh, cut the crap. Like doing my job in my place is not a clear message! I’m perfectly capable of getting TNT on my own, Guarnere,” you stated in a more controlled, but deadlier tone. “I don’t need you to think of me as someone in need of your assistance.”

“Fuck, this is why you’ve been acting so weird?” He understand with a movement from the head, jaw clenched tightly, but his gaze then sets back onto your face.

“Yes, that’s precisely why,” you start again before he gets the chance to defend himself. “If you really think that I can’t handle things on my own in the field, then you’re wrong.”

“I didn’t do it because I thought you couldn’t!” The dark-haired man exclaims indignantly, the modulation of his voice stronger.

“Then what is it? Why the fuck is it, Bill, because I don’t understand!”

“I didn’t go out there because I thought you couldn’t handle it!” He repeats, driven by a virulent impulse. “I did it because that field was brimming with Kraut artillery, and I couldn’t stand the goddamn thought of seeing you collapse among all the other dead bodies!”

His words hit you so forcefully that your next sentence gets caught in your throat, leaving you speechless for the first since Guarnere has joined you. I couldn’t stand the goddamn thought of seeing you collapse among all the other dead bodies.

“That’s right,” The Sergeant continues less harshly, catching his breath. “I ran for that TNT instead of you because I didn’t want you to get killed. There, are you happy now?” Too taken aback to come to your senses right away, you process what Bill is saying. You’ve never heard him confess that he cared about you this much before, though your affection and attachement toward each other have been undeniable. “Don’t ever think that I might consider you a lesser soldier than any of the men in this company,” he goes on, intensely looking into your face. “I damn well know what you’re worth. And...” he hesitates, somewhat flustered, but finally opens his mouth again. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

As Bill speaks, the violent emotions that had previously got a hold of you evolve into something else — something even stronger. Something that drives you to him, that makes you want to stand by his side before the entire world, that reminds you more than ever of all the times you have looked at him, and seen a form of reassurance that you never found anywhere else. He takes a step toward you.

“You can’t die for me, Bill. You can’t. I don’t want to lose you either. But we’re done being stupid now, okay?” you whisper, unable to yell anymore while tears are threatening to well up as you cup his face in your hands. All that you feel at once completely throws you off balance, seemingly both emotionally and physically. “There’s enough fighting out there already.”

“We’re done being stupid.” Guarnere’s voice is now barely more audible than yours, and his comforting touch is soothing you down when he feels like it is safe enough to get closer. “I don’t want to do this without you,” he says.

You kiss, his hands running through your hair as you let yourself go to him, pressed against the comforting steadiness of his chest, the fabric of his uniform filled with the warmth of his body. After such a tumultuous night, exhaustion doesn’t take long to descend upon you, but what hits you most is another sudden realisation — you are falling in love with Bill Guarnere. You have been for days.

The dark-haired man takes you into his arms after your lips break apart, hugging you tightly as he kisses the top of your head, and holds you closely. “Do you wanna go to sleep?” he murmurs, feeling you fully lean into him. “I can walk you to your house, or I know a spot where no one will walk on us.”

“Let’s do that,” you approve against his torso, before adding: “I want to be with you.” You want him to know how much you care about him too.

“Okay, then come with me. No one should be able to find us.” He takes your hand, leading you through the dark, and is cautious to make sure that you aren’t seen.

Later that might, when you finally fall asleep, it is by Bill’s side. And, long after your eyes are shut and sleepiness has taken you both into its realm, you can still unconsciously feel the man’s heart beating inside his chest, pressed against your back.

#bill guarnere #bill guarnere x reader #bill guarnere imagine #band of brothers #band of brothers fanfiction #BoB #writing #bandofbrothers #band of brothers imagines #my writing

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