#spades on the bus on the way home from high school

[hwxnghyynjin]

Rose Coloured Lenses

Pairing: jaemin x reader Genre: friends to lovers!au, slow burn, angst, fluff, suggestive Warnings: swearing, alcohol consumption, implied sex, mentions of throwing up, Haechan is an asshole, slapping Words: 11,136

Life is unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen, whether it be the future or the present day, and that’s in both negative and positive situations. Life can go one of two ways: you try your best and work to the best of your ability, getting your dream job and living your best life with your loved ones. Maybe have a significant other and get married, have children (whether that’d be adopt or make your own). 

Or life can go horribly wrong. You don’t try and end up becoming this really shut off person to the world, constantly feeling worried about everything and not sure what to do with your life, so you end up turning to doing drugs to take the edge off, or drinking alcohol every night, waking up the next morning not being able to remember what you did due to getting wasted.

You never know the people who you meet in your life will be your best friend, your acquaintance, or your worst enemy. In this case, the brown haired 4 year old with chubby cheeks will, hopefully, end up being your best friend for life.

You saw the boy sitting in a sandbox, waddling your small self over to him. He had a bucket and spade, shovelling some sand into said bucket. It looked like he was trying to make a sandcastle, so you were careful not to scare him. 

The young boy felt someone in his presence, lifting his tiny head up to see a young girl with chubby cheeks and big eyes, who looked around the same age as him. He gave a big smile, like his mom told him to whenever he saw someone approach him. He smiled cutely, showing his teeth. You smiled back at him as you waved, introducing yourself in your small, high pitched voice.

The boy in front of you introduced himself as Na Jaemin, his cute high pitched voice ringing in your ears. He let you join him in the sandbox, moving your little legs into the box, sitting beside him. While everyone else was playing in the playground, you and your new friend were by yourselves, playing in said sandbox, trying to make sand castles.

You went home that day telling your mum about the nice boy you met, getting all excited about your new friend. Your mum smiled down at you, seeing you all happy. You were excited to hang out with your new friend when you go to school tomorrow, and for the future days ahead.

As you grew older and you hit the age of 12, you and Jaemin were finally both neighbours. You used to live a few minutes away from each other, but his family ended up moving right next door, which you absolutely loved. You went to the same middle school, catching the bus together, both of your mums seeing you two off each morning.

You were never seen without the other, unless you were home. Then again, you’d hang out after school too. Sometimes, you’d even have dinner together at each other's houses. Like for example, every Saturday, you either go to Jaemin’s house or Jaemin goes to your for dinner, and it rotates every week.

As you got older and got through high school, your mental health decreased due to exams and stress, and it put you into depression. Luckily Jaemin was there to help you. He didn’t really care about his own mental health since he cared more about you than anything else. Whenever you were having a breakdown, Jaemin was there. When you couldn’t handle studying and just wanted to get away, Jaemin was there, and he would take you somewhere quiet. You were thankful for Jaemin during that time in high school, and he was thankful for you too, but you never actually told each other that, but you didn’t need to.

As you both hit 18 and you were in your last year of high school, you couldn’t be happier. You couldn’t wait to graduate and apply for your university of choice, and hopefully get your dream job. Jaemin, however, wasn’t as excited as you. You could tell the moment you stepped out of your house one morning and saw him.

It was a warm, breezy Saturday morning during the middle of March and you were going to spend the day with Jaemin, as usual. You skipped out of the house, a smile on your face. That smile soon faded as soon as you saw Jaemin, who had a small frown on his face.

“What’s with the frown?”, you asked as soon as you were standing in front of him, Jaemin’s hands in his pockets. “Oh it’s nothing”, he said, not sounding convincing, making you frown. “Come on, you know you can tell me, you know? It’s obviously something since it has you frowning”, you said as you were walking along the pavement. Jaemin sighed because he knows you’re right.

“It’s just… it’s our last year in high school and, what if we don’t end up in the same university? What if I never see you again? You’re literally the only friend I’ve ever had and I don’t want that to end”, Jaemin said, his voice sounding sad. It looked like he was about to cry so you didn’t even think before you hugged him, startling him. But he didn’t push you away. In fact, he brought you closer as he ended up crying into the crook of your neck.

You stayed like that for a while, just standing there while Jaemin cried. His crying finally ceased, sniffles escaping him. He lifted his head from your neck and looked at you, his bottom lip quivering a bit. “You ok, now?”, you asked him, to which he nodded his head. “Whatever happens in the future, we won’t lose contact, ok? Remember the promise we both made?”, you said as you put your pinky out, making him smile.

He linked your pinkies together and said, “best friends forever”, and you both giggled. “Whether we both go to the same university, or different ones, I won’t forget you. You’re too cute to forget”, you said without thinking, making Jaemin blush. “Y-you think I’m cute?”he asked as you widened your eyes. “I uh- bye”, you said as you ran off, Jaemin running after you.

The day went on as normal, the incident of calling Jaemin cute long forgotten. You did nothing extreme, just went to the park and talked about anything that came to your mind. You have other friends, but none of them make you laugh or smile as much as Jaemin.

It was graduation day, and you were feeling nervous, yet excited. You were in the middle of getting yourself ready, your outfit laid out on your bed. You were sitting at your vanity table, putting makeup on when you heard a knock at your door. You gave the person a signal that they could come in, and the door opened, revealing Jaemin. He was dressed in a simple black suit, and his pink hair was slicked back. You would be lying if you didn’t think he looked handsome because honestly, when you saw him, your breath hitched.

You didn’t realise you were staring until you heard a chuckle, making you come out of your trance. “You were staring. You think I’m attractive or something?”Jaemin smirked at you, wiggling his eyebrows, earning a scoff from you. “No, I just have never seen you in a suit before”, you said. You weren’t lying, you’ve never seen him in a suit before. You did find him attractive but if you told Jaemin that, you’d never hear the end of it.

You continued doing your makeup as Jaemin sat on your bed, making sure not to sit on your clothes. He noticed the black dress lying on your bed, along with your black heel. “Have we unintentionally matched our clothes?”, Jaemin asked as he let out a chuckle, looking at you as you did your makeup. You then realised what he just said: you both are wearing all black to your graduation. 

“I swear I didn’t stalk you, I just love wearing black”, you said, still focusing on doing your eyeliner. “Babes, I’m messing with you”, Jaemin laughed, the sudden pet name leaving his mouth. That gave you butterflies in your stomach for some reason, but you didn’t think much of it.

You were finally done getting yourself ready, slipping on your black heels. You looked at yourself in the mirror and made sure you were happy with how you looked. You smiled and turned around, grabbing your graduation hat and robes, which were ironically black too. They weren’t all black though. They had stripes of red along the seams.

You both finally left to go to your graduation, Jaemin driving you both to the school. Luckily it was only a 10 minute drive, so you didn’t need to rush. Besides, the graduation doesn’t actually start for another 30 minutes, but it’s good to be there early.

As soon as you arrived, Jaemin parked the car and you both got out. You both walked towards the school side by side, people’s eyes on you. Whenever people saw you together, they thought you were a couple with how close you were, but you always told them that you’re best friends, nothing more.

Jaemin had his camera around his neck, you remember his words a few days ago that he ‘wanted to take pictures because it would be a nice memory’. The camera was given to him by his mum for his 17th birthday, and he was over the moon with it. She remembered hearing him mention something along the lines of wanting to start doing photography, and that gave her the idea of buying him a camera.

You walked into the school, seeing your other school friends all dressed up too. You smiled as you walked over to them, Jaemin walking to a different group of people to say hello. You greeted them with a smile, creating small talk before the graduation event starts.

You spoke to them for about 10 minutes, before meeting up with Jaemin again and heading towards where the graduation ceremony was being held. You went inside the hall where everyone else was going, and sat down in your designated seats. Luckily your seats were next to each other, which made you happy.

The ceremony went smoothly. Everyone got awarded a certificate for different subjects and clubs they participated in. Jaemin got awarded in performing arts and music, whereas you got awarded in English Literature. 

After you all got your certificates and celebrated by throwing your hats in the air, you went and chatted with your friends and your parents both congratulated you on graduating high school. They both hugged you and, without your knowledge, Jaemin took a picture on his camera. He thought you looked really cute, with your big smile and your robes on.

Throughout the rest of the graduation ceremony, Jaemin took lots of pictures on his camera, but they were mainly of you. Some candid pictures which he would treasure for the rest of his life. He hopes that you two would be by each other's side until you grow old, not wanting to let you out of his life. You’re too precious to him for him to let you leave. He hopes that you feel the same way.

A few days later, you and Jaemin are sitting outside your house, holding an envelope in your hands. The envelope will determine whether or not you have gotten into your dream university.

“You first”, Jaemin said, nodding towards the envelope in your hands. You opened it carefully, before pulling out the piece of paper that was inside. You glanced at it, and your eyes lit up. “I GOT IN”, you squealed out of joy, and hugged Jaemin. He hugged you back tightly, happy that you got in. 

“Open yours now, I wanna know if you got in or not”, you jumped up and down impatiently. Jaemin opened the envelope and pulled out the piece of paper. He looked at it and frowned. You saw him frowning, and felt yourself tearing up, preparing for the worst. 

“Oh no”, Jaemin sighed, and you felt your heart break. “I guess you’re going to have to put up with me a little while longer”, Jaemin smirked as he teased you, earning a light hit on his chest. “Yah, don’t do that”, you said, pretending to be mad at him. Jaemin could see right through you though as he softly smiled at you.

You hugged him tightly, glad that you’re going to the same university. You suddenly felt yourself start to cry out of happiness, crying into his shoulder. Jaemin then felt himself start to cry too, crying with you. You stayed like that for a while, just crying with each other. Both of your parents came out of the house, seeing the both of you crying. 

They were both about to ask you if you were ok, until you pulled away from each other and they saw your smiles. They immediately knew what that meant, feeling happy for the both of you. 

For the next few weeks, you put all your things in boxes ready to go to university. Clothes, makeup, books, all your necessities. If you end up forgetting something, you could always just buy something from a shop nearby the university building. 

It’s finally the day that you and Jaemin leave for university, and both of your parents are crying. They mention how much they are going to miss you and that they hope you enjoy your time at university. Thankfully Jaemin’s car is big enough to fit all your stuff in so you put both yours and Jaemin stuff in the trunk of the car, and some in the backseat. You both got in the car, and waved goodbye to yours and Jaemin’s parents, the sound of their voices getting quieter as Jaemin drove off.

The journey from Jeonju-si to Seoul is just over 2 hours, so you left pretty early in the morning to ensure you got there on time. Throughout the journey, you and Jaemin jammed out to music on the radio, turning the music up loud. You had snacks to snack on during the journey so you wouldn’t need to buy any food along the way.

You finally arrived, the university building coming into view. You got excited, a huge smile on your face. Jaemin found a place to park his car and stopped the engine. You both got out and went inside the university building, seeing other students congregating together. 

The whole day was just spent going round the building, a woman who looked like she was in her mid 30’s showing you where different rooms were, and where you needed to be for your specific course. You were going to be an English major, while Jaemin was doing performing arts and music, which were thankfully in the same building as each other.

You were shown to your dormitory, and you looked around your dorm room. It was bigger than you expected it to be, and it felt nice and cosy. As you were looking round the room, the door suddenly opened, startling you. You turned around and saw a girl who looked your age, her dark brown hair tied up in a ponytail. She seemed nice but only one way to find out if she is, is by talking to her.

“Hello, you must be my roommate. I’m y/n”, you said as you put your hand out, waiting for her to shake it. She stared at your hand for a moment, which made you feel awkward so you retracted your hand back. “I don’t do handshakes, I’m more comfortable with hugs. Are you ok with hugs? I’ve been told that I’m huggable”, she said, which made you smile. You’re glad that she loves hugs because you’re the same.

You hugged her and she wrapped her arms around you and she was absolutely right. The hug felt really warm and you felt comfortable. You pulled away from her and took a step back. “I’m Yeji”, she said with a smile. You hope that you two will be really good friends during your time in university.

In the boys dormitory, Jaemin looked around his room and was waiting for his roommate. The door suddenly opened and in came a boy who looked around his age. He had a mole under his eye and he had a sharp jaw. Jaemin was starstrucked seeing this individual, and he was kind of awkward when meeting new people for the first time so he didn’t think when the next few words came out of his mouth.

“You remind me of a samoyed”

Jaemin’s eyes widened as soon as he realised the words that left his mouth and he felt embarrassed. Luckily though, the boy in front of him thought that was cute and he smiled. His eyes turned into crescents as he made the cutest eye smile ever. 

“I’ve actually heard that a lot”, the boy said, making Jaemin look at him. “I’m Jeno by the way”, Jeno said with a smile. Jaemin notices that Jeno is literally the human embodiment of the sun, since he’s glowing, the sun coming in through the window and hitting his face.

“I’m Jaemin”, Jaemin replied back with a soft smile. He got more and more comfortable with Jeno the more they spoke, hoping they would be friends for a really long time. They both left their room to go and collect their things, getting to know each other more along the way.

You and Yeji also did the same, leaving your rooms and heading down together. You realised just how funny Yeji is as Yeji made y/n laugh without even trying, a huge smile on their faces. You reached Jaemin’s car and you smiled when you saw him taking his stuff out, grabbing your stuff from the back seat.

You’re not sure how long it took you to bring all your stuff to your dorm room, but you’re glad that everything is now in the room. You sighed and sat on your bed, before lying down. You would put your things away once you’ve had a rest, but also making sure that you don’t fall asleep in the process.

The first few weeks of university were easy. They were basically just introducing you to your course and preparing you for what you were going to expect to learn, and so on. You were glad that you didn’t go straight into the course since it was all new to you, so you felt less stressed about everything.

Well, they say that the more you progress, the tougher something becomes. And they were right.

You’re now in your third year of university, and you’ve not long turned 21. Jaemin threw you a surprise birthday party, and Yeji and Jeno were there, along with other people who you have spoken to. To say you got drunk would be an understatement. You got so wasted, you couldn’t even walk in a straight line. You were thankful that Jaemin and Yeji helped you back to your dorm. Once you were in your dorm room, you immediately went to the bathroom and threw your guts up. 

You don’t even know how long you were throwing up for, but it felt like an eternity. Yeji rubbed your back up and down, moving your hair out of the way. You eventually finished throwing your guts up and brushed your teeth, then drank a full glass of water and took some painkillers. You didn’t even bother getting changed as you flopped on your bed and immediately fell asleep.

When you woke up, your head was killing you as you winced in pain. You realised you were in different clothes from the night before. You also found out that you didn’t have any makeup on anymore. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead. Here’s a glass of water along with some painkillers for your headache”, Yeji said as she gave you the water and the pills. You put the pills in your mouth and took a big gulp of water, swallowing the pills. After finishing the glass of water, you noticed a bouquet of roses in a vase on the window sill, the red catching your eye.

Yeji looked at where you were looking and smiled. “They’re from Jaemin. He called me as soon as you fell asleep and gave them to me. Said he wanted to give them to you after the party, but you were too wasted”, Yeji said as she giggled. You mentioned in your first year of university that your favourite flower was roses. 

You also thought that someone else might have found out about that as, every Valentine’s Day during your time at university, you received roses from a secret admirer, which you thought nothing of. That was until Valentine's in your third year though. A random boy with honey skin and moles on his neck gave you a rose, smiled and ran away from you. You thought it was cute and kept the rose, but you didn’t see him the rest of the day. Hell, you didn’t even know his name.

“What time is it?”, you asked as soon as you got up, trying to find your phone. You looked everywhere, being unable to find it, until Yeji handed it to you. “It’s 10am”, Yeji said casually, making you widen your eyes. “And you didn’t bother waking me up?”, you said feeling rather annoyed, but Yeji just shrugged her shoulders.

“You looked peaceful so I didn’t want to wake you up. Plus we don’t have lectures until 1pm”, Yeji said, making you sigh out of relief. You were worried that you ended up missing your morning lectures, until Yeji reminded you that you have afternoon lectures on Thursdays.

“What do you want to do before lectures start? Because there’s this really cool cafe that’s just opened near campus and I want to check it out”, you said as you entered the bathroom, going to do your usual morning routine.

Since it was warm outside, you opted for a cute blouse and a pair of shorts. You put some light makeup on and put your hair into a ponytail. You grabbed your purse, phone and keys, and left your dorm room, Yeji following behind you.

Luckily the cafe was within walking distance so you didn’t need to get the bus. Plus it was a nice day out so the walk was nice. You reached the cafe, opening the door. The little bell rang, making your presence known throughout the cafe.

You looked around the cafe, seeing a couple of people scattered around throughout the cafe. University students drinking their drink of choice as they type away on a laptop, a young couple sitting in a corner holding hands while smiling at each other, a frantic looking businessman who looks like he’s on the verge of a breakdown as he quickly types something on his laptop. Apart from that, it was rather quiet since it’s midmorning. 

You both went up to the counter and the barista took your orders, grabbed a breakfast sandwich as you both paid for your orders, and went to sit down near the window. You both started eating your sandwiches, making sounds of content as the taste of bacon and egg hit your taste buds. 

As you took another bite, the sound of the barista announcing that your orders were ready, Yeji getting up to collect them, thanking the barista and heading back to your table, giving you your drink. You finished chewing the food in your mouth, swallowing it before taking a sip of your iced coffee. The caramel iced coffee hits your taste buds, making you smile in content.

You finished eating the rest of your sandwich, shoving the rest of it in your mouth. The sound of the bell rang, indicating that someone else came into the cafe. You turned around, your cheeks full as you chewed the rest of your sandwich, and your eyes widened as you saw who walked in. You nearly choked on your food, but thankfully stopped yourself.

The honey skin, the noticeable moles on his neck. He was wearing all black and his hair was fluffy and messy. It was the same guy who gave you a rose on Valentine’s Day. You didn’t realise you were staring until the guy looked at you, giving you a smirk and a wink, making you turn around.

“He’s the same guy who gave me a rose on Valentine’s Day. Only, he was shy then. He seems different now”, you said, now looking at Yeji. “That’s him?”Yeji said as she pointed at said guy. You nodded and she sighed, sitting back in her chair. You looked at her confused, wondering what the sigh was about.

“That’s Lee Haechan. He used to be this sweet, nice guy. That was before his ex broke his heart, and now he’s kind of a heartbreaker. He’s a massive flirt”, Yeji says, you turning around to look at him again, seeing him collecting his drink and paying the barista.

He looked at you before leaving, giving you a cheeky smirk and winked at you again, and left the cafe. You know you should listen to what Yeji said, Haechan being a heartbreaker and a massive flirt. But you just can’t help the butterflies in your stomach. You’ve never felt like this before. Well, if you’re going to be honest, you have felt like this before, but you sort of pushed that at the back of your mind since you’re sure that the person doesn’t like you back, so you forgot about those feelings.

You and Yeji both left the cafe, heading back to your dormitory. You drank the rest of your iced coffee, the breeze hitting your face. You couldn’t seem to take Haechan off your mind, no matter how hard you tried.

You reached your dormitory, heading up to your dorm room to collect your things you needed for your afternoon lectures. You made sure you had everything before leaving, locking the door behind you.

You reached your class, going inside the room and sitting in your designated seat. Yeji sat beside you and got her stuff out, following suit. You were a bit early so you just had a casual conversation. You mentioned how Jaemin texted you before, asking you if you wanted to hang out after your classes.

You notice someone else walking into the class, and you froze. It was Haechan. He’s the same major as you? Why haven’t you seen him in your classes before?

Throughout the lesson, you kept looking over at Haechan, not paying attention to the teacher. You were in a daydream, staring at him. Yeji noticed you staring at him so she nudged you in the side, making you look at her. She mouthed something to you along the lines of ‘stop staring at him’ and you just denied it, even though you were basically caught staring at him.

After 3 long hours, the lecture was finally over. You packed up your stuff and headed out the classroom and texted Jaemin that you’re on your way to meet him. As you sent the text, you accidentally bumped into someone. You looked up and saw the one person who wouldn’t leave your mind. Lee Haechan. He was smirking down at you before he picked up your phone, giving it back to you. You didn’t even realise you dropped it.

“Be careful, doll”, his voice was soft and put you in a trance, wanting to listen to his voice all day long. “Sorry”, you said quietly, but still loud enough for him to hear you. He was only a few inches taller than you, but you still felt intimidated by him for some reason. That was until his usual smirk turned into a smile. His smile was so beautiful and contagious, you felt yourself smiling back at him.

Outside, Jaemin was waiting for you to come out, sitting on a bench. He sat there for a few minutes, checking his phone every now and then. He soon saw you walking out, smiling to himself. That was until he saw you walking with someone he heard bad stories about. The stories about how, after he was heartbroken by his ex, he turned into a heartbreaker and broke girls (and boys) hearts.

You saw Jaemin and bid your goodbyes to Haechan, running over to Jaemin. The first thing he asked you when you reached him was, “why were you with Haechan? He’s a heartbreaker”. 

“He’s not that bad. He’s actually really sweet”, you reassured Jaemin and his worries, telling him that you’ll be ok and he won’t hurt you. The subject was then dropped and Jaemin asked you where you wanted to go to hang out, but your next words made him frown.

“Actually uhm, I was wondering if we could rain check? I know this is all so sudden but, Haechan asked me if I wanted to get a coffee with him and talk about this project we have to do for English”, you said, your voice full of guilt. You really wanted to hang out with Jaemin but Haechan insisted that you talk about the English project you have to do.

Jaemin put on a fake smile and told you it’s fine, you hugging him before running off to Haechan again. He saw you two walking off campus, a frown on his face. He then texted Jeno asking him if he was free, which luckily he was, so he asked him if he wanted to hang out instead.

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You and Haechan were sitting opposite each other in a coffee shop, debating what topics you should do for your English project. You sipped on your drink as Haechan rambled on. “I think the topic of how gender roles are portrayed in novels sounds really interesting, so I think I might do that one”, Haechan finished rambling on as he took a sip of his drink, the iced chocolate drink hitting the back of his throat.

“I don’t know, I kind of like the historical sides of novels and what types of themes are used in them”, you said, Haechan nodding at you. You carried on talking about the English project for a bit longer, wanting to ensure you were both certain on the topics you chose for the project. 

You then talked about something else, wanting to get to know more about Haechan. You found out that he loves skateboarding and watching horror movies, and that he hates coffee. You realised just how funny and sweet he is, you don’t see a heartbreaker at all in front of you. In the short amount of time you’ve been with him, you’ve fallen for him. Hard. And you don’t want to get up.

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Over the next couple of weeks, you’ve drifted away from Jaemin as you hung out with Haechan more. He even asked you out, to which you said yes. Even Yeji noticed how distant you’ve become, spending less time in your dorm and more time with Haechan. The times that you are in your dorm though, you only talk about Haechan and how much of a sweetheart he is.

Well, that whole ‘sweetheart’ act began to change after your second month of dating. You saw all the changes in his demeanour, the once sweet guy was replaced with a cold and hurtful man. You literally had to tell him where you were going, even if it was just to go to the shops, scared that Haechan would find out and end up hurting you. He hasn’t hurt you physically, it was mainly verbal or mental.

Though, this time, you forgot to tell him where you were going, your stress making you forget. You were craving chocolate so you headed to the nearest convenience store, wrapping yourself up in your coat since it was a cold, winter evening. You headed inside, going towards where the chocolate and sweets were. You looked at the different chocolate bars, finally choosing your favourite one as soon as you found it. You also bought yourself a bottle of wine, hoping to share it with Yeji. You feel really guilty for being distant lately, so you wanted to have a drink with her.

You headed to the counter and paid for the items. The cashier put your items in a bag for you and you grabbed the bag off them, thanking them before leaving again. You walked back outside into the cold, heading back towards your dorm. 

As you got near your dorm, you saw Haechan and panic rose up inside you. You realised that you forgot to tell him where you were going, and now you were going to suffer the consequences. Unfortunately there was no one else about, it was just you two, so you had to deal with whatever was going to happen to you.

“I’ve been calling you and you didn’t answer. Why didn’t you tell me where you were going? You were supposed to tell me, remember? Or are you just that stupid, you fucking forgot? Huh? Answer me!”, Haechan said rather loudly, but not shouting, as he ended up gripping your hair.

“I-i’m sorry, I’ve just been so stressed lately, I forgot. I won’t do it again, I promise”, you winced as his grip got tighter. He soon let go of you, and you sighed out of relief. But that relief soon went as you felt a stinging sensation across your cheek. Haechan had slapped you.

You held your cheek, tears welling up in your eyes as you stared at Haechan. You didn’t even recognise him anymore. The sparkle had gone from his eyes, his smile was no longer there and his warm heart had turned to stone. He was a completely different person, and you hated him.

Haechan just left you there, heading back to his dorm room, his silhouette disappearing into the distance. You ran towards your dorm building, going inside. The warmth hit your face, stinging your now reddened cheek. You headed towards the elevator, pressing the button. You waited for the doors to open as tears rolled down your cheeks.

The doors opened with a ping, alerting you as you got inside. You pressed the button to go to your floor as the doors closed. You were a sobbing mess as you leaned against the wall. Though when the doors opened again, you composed yourself and pretended you weren’t just crying your eyes out, heading towards your dorm room.

You fumbled with your keys, eventually putting them into the keyhole. You unlocked the door, shutting the door as soon as you were inside. You rested your head against the door, finally able to catch your breath.

“y/n?”, Yeji said, her voice coming from behind you. You put a fake smile on your face before turning around. “Hey Yeji. I went to the shops to buy myself some chocolate since I was craving some. I also bought a bottle of wine as an apology for me being distant lately”, you said as you took your coat and shoes off, hung your coat up and put your shoes on the shoe rack. You put your slippers on and walk past Yeji, walking into the kitchen.

Yeji stood next to you and stared at you, making you feel uncomfortable. You were about to tell her to stop until her words made you freeze. “What happened to your cheek?”, she asked. You stuttered for a moment before you made up an excuse. “I hit my cheek against a door as I opened it”, you replied, hoping you sounded believable.

Yeji gave you a look, but didn’t say anything. You put your chocolate in the fridge (you prefer your chocolate cold) and Yeji got two wine glasses out of the cupboard. You both sat down, pouring the wine into the two glasses.

Yeji was talking about something but you couldn’t focus. You kept thinking about what happened before with Haechan, and how scared you were at that moment. You wanted to end the relationship before it got worse, but you were scared. What if Haechan hurts you really badly? What if he doesn’t let you leave? What if-

“y/n!”, Yeji said, shaking your shoulder. You snapped out of your daze, looking at her. “Huh?”, you said confusedly, looking round the room for no reason. “You zoned out. Are you sure you’re ok?”, she asked as she looked at you, running a hand up and down your arm to try and calm you down.

You then felt yourself crying, the empty wine glass now on the table as you curled up into a ball in your seat. Yeji’s eyes widened as she put her glass down, going over to you and wrapping her arms around you. The both of you stayed like that for about 5 minutes, making sure you calmed down before she spoke again.

“You want to tell me what’s wrong? And where that mark on your cheek really came from?”, Yeji said, fearing for what the answer was going to be. “I went to the store to get some chocolate and wine, like I told you before. But, uhm, I’m supposed to tell Haechan where I’m going every time I go out but this time, I forget. And when I’m near the dorms, I see him”, you explained, feeling yourself about to cry again. Yeji comforted you and told you to carry on.

“He yelled at me and called me stupid for forgetting and then he slapped me”, you said, feeling Yeji’s grip on your arm getting tighter. Yeji felt anger bubbling up inside her, wanting Haechan to pay for what he did to you. “Does Jaemin know anything about this?”Yeji asked you. You shook your head, having been too scared to say anything to Jaemin, just in case Haechan finds out and does something drastic.

“We need to tell him. And I’m going to pay that bastard a visit. No one, and I mean NO ONE, puts their hands on any of my friends”, Yeji said as she got up, but you stopped her. “No please. Please don’t. I don’t want you getting hurt”, you pleaded, wanting her to sit back down. She listened to you and sat back down, holding your hand, squeezing it.

“I’m going to meet up with Haechan tomorrow and try to break up with him. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired”, you said as your eyes started to flutter close, tiredness coming over you. Yeji got you up and made sure you didn’t fall as she helped you towards your bed. You got changed into your pyjamas and headed into bed, almost falling asleep straight away. 

As soon as you fell asleep, Yeji tucked you into bed and got ready for bed herself. She had younger siblings who she looked after when her parents weren’t home due to work, so her parental instincts kick in automatically. She laid down, staring up at the ceiling, her anger still there as she thinks about what she’s going to do to Haechan when she sees him.

-------------------------------

It was a cold Saturday afternoon, and Jaemin walked along the pavement, his camera in his hand as Jeno walked next to him. They were talking about nonsense, mainly about how they hated the cold weather and wanted the warmer weather to come sooner.

Jaemin took pictures on his camera, admiring the scenery around him. He took some funny pictures of Jeno now and then, catching him off guard. Since it had been snowing, Jeno accidentally slipped on a bit of ice, Jaemin taking a picture of him mid fall. He couldn’t help it, he just looked really funny. He did help him up though. After laughing for a good few minutes.

They saw a fountain in the distance, and saw two people standing near it. Jaemin looked through his camera and zoomed in. He realised it was Haechan and y/n. He put his camera down and frowned, which Jeno noticed. Jeno saw where Jaemin was looking, and saw why he frowned. 

They thought you and Haechan were having a normal conversation, but that’s not what you were having. You were actually trying your hardest not to break down in public, since there were other people around you. You took in a deep breath and the seven words finally left your mouth.

“I want to break up with you”

Jaemin and Jeno continued looking at you and Haechan, and were about to leave. That was until Jaemin saw Haechan lift his hand up, and hit you across the face. He hit you once, twice, three times across the face. Jaemin and Jeno ran over to you and Jeno grabbed Haechan, tackling him to the ground. Jaemin held you as you cried into his chest, holding you gently. People were looking at the commotion, wondering whether to help or not.

Jeno lifted Haechan up off the ground, gripping his arms. “Don’t even think about touching her ever again, otherwise you’ll suffer the consequences. Actually, you’re going to suffer the consequences right now. How about you get charged for domestic abuse, huh? What kind of person do you have to be to do that to your own partner? You fucking disgusting bitch”, Jeno spat, threatening to take Haechan to the police.

Haechan just shrugged him off and walked off, people giving him dirty looks. Jeno looked at you as you were clinging on to Jaemin for your dear life, crying into his chest. Jaemin was sitting on the floor, not caring about the ice or snow, he only cared about you. 

“I-i’m sorry”, you managed to say through your tears, gripping onto Jaemin’s coat. He looked at you confused, wondering why you were apologising. “It’s my fault that this happened. I should have listened to you b-but I didn’t and I got myself hurt”, you cried even harder, finding it hard to breathe. 

Jaemin held your face in his hands gently, making you look at him. He breathed in and out, hoping you would copy him, which you did. Your breathing went back to normal after a couple of minutes, your tears stopped.

“Don’t say that, ok? It’s not your fault”, Jaemin said, bringing you in for a hug, wrapping his arms around you. You reciprocated the hug, snuggling into him. Jeno stood there looking at you two, and he smiled, knowing that you’re not with that asshole anymore. Though it’s going to take you a while to get back to your happy self, and they are going to stick with you no matter what.

-------------------------------

It took you around a month and a half until you were smiling again. Not faking a smile, but smiling for real. You were still hurting though, but you had your friends by your side to help you.

It was coming up to Valentine’s Day and you were hoping you weren’t going to receive anything from him. You were dreading it and you didn’t want to run into him again. You haven’t seen him since that day, which you were glad about, but you still get paranoid that he will turn up again and ruin your life.

You finished your morning lectures and had the rest of the day off, so you texted Jaemin asking him if he was free and wanted to hang out. You were walking with Yeji, talking about nothing in particular. Your phone dinged, indicating that you got a reply back. Your smile that was on your face disappeared as you saw his text. 

Unfortunately he wasn’t free. He mentioned that he’s been talking with someone from his class, and they have a date. You weren’t the jealous type, but something inside you twisted as you felt your heart drop.

Yeji saw the change in your mood, and took a glance at your phone. She felt sorry for you and had an idea. Whenever you’re in a shitty mood, she always takes you shopping since that seems to cheer you up 9 times out of 10. You liked the idea of going shopping so you agreed immediately. You both walked out of the building and walked off campus, heading towards the nearest bus stop.

-------------------------------

You spent the rest of the day shopping, forgetting about the fact that Jaemin is going on a date. You bought some cute clothes, and some new heels which you fell in love with the moment you saw them. 

You were currently sitting on a bench, Yeji opposite you, as you munched on some food you bought. Yeji was telling you about a guy that she’s been talking to and hopefully will be seeing more of. You felt really happy for her, seeing her smiling over someone. She mentioned his name, Renjun you think his name was, and the way she was talking about him was really cute.

You took a bite of your jam doughnut, relishing in the taste. You swallowed the piece of doughnut, about to take another bite, until you saw Jaemin and the girl he was on a date with, and your heart stopped.

The girl he was on a date with was beautiful. Her long dark hair, her amazing figure, her perfect skin. You stopped eating your doughnut and just stared at it. You’ll admit, you're not the skinniest but you’ve never been insecure about your figure or appearance. You’ve always been rather confident about yourself but now, you’re not so sure. 

Yeji saw the change in your mood, and looked over to see Jaemin with some girl. You felt yourself tearing up and a few tears fell down your face. “Ok that’s it, let's go”, Yeji said as she stood up, finishing her food and grabbed the bags of stuff she bought. You didn’t say anything as you put the rest of your food in the bin, and grabbed your own bags.

You followed Yeji, not knowing where she was going, but you didn’t really care, you just wanted to get away. Yeji has something in mind, which she hopes you’ll like. She knows you like plushies (since you have a couple on your bed) so she was going to buy you one.

You continued following Yeji, your mind still distracted. You walk for a few more minutes until you realise where Yeji has taken you. You saw a big shop which was full of plushies and you then looked at Yeji with big eyes. She smiled at you and nodded for you to go inside. You rushed inside and looked at all the cute plushies.

You looked at all the plushies in the store, not knowing which one you were going to pick. You already had a penguin plush, a bunny, a puppy and a bear. You soon saw a baby chick plushie, the massive yellow plush catching your attention. You headed towards it and picked it up, hugging it to your chest. Yeji saw you hugging the plush, and said she would pay for it for you, saying it was ‘her treat and you deserve to be happy’.

For the rest of the day, you just walked around before deciding to head back to campus, the both of you feeling tired. You headed towards the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. Luckily it arrived a few minutes later and you both got on, scanning your tickets and sitting down.

-------------------------------

Back in your dorm room, you put your bags on the floor and threw yourself on your bed. You laid down, staring at the ceiling, and started thinking about Jaemin. Are your feelings for him starting to resurface? You couldn’t keep it to yourself anymore, so you thought it would be best to tell Yeji about it.

“Yeji, can I tell you something?”, you asked, looking over at Yeji. She looked up from her phone and a ‘hmm’ sound left her mouth. “I think my feelings for Jaemin are resurfacing and I’m scared”, you confessed, now sitting up. Yeji’s eyes widened at your confession, putting her phone down.

“Why are you scared?”Yeji asked, all of her focus now on you. You took a deep breath before continuing. “What if Jaemin doesn’t feel the same way? I mean, he’s on a date with that beautiful, perfect girl he was with today, so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me in that way. Have you seen me?”, your insecurities were playing up now as you felt yourself about to break down into tears.

Yeji was now sitting next to you as she made you look at her. “Hey, you are beautiful in your own way. You don’t need to change for anyone, let alone Jaemin. So don’t think like that”, Yeji said softly but sternly, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You wiped it away as you nodded at her words, thankful that you have a friend like her you can rely on.

Over the next few weeks, you hardly saw Jaemin. The times you did see him though, he was with the girl he was dating. You found out her name was Jessi and she can be a bit of a bitch. You’ve spoken to her once and she wasn’t the nicest. You were going to talk to Jaemin, but Jessi saw you and stopped you, telling you he doesn’t want to talk to you or see you. You didn’t like the way she spoke to you so, in the nicest way possible, you told her to fuck off.

The first time you saw Jaemin and Jessi together, Jaemin looked happy. But now, whenever you see them together, he seems different. He didn’t seem like himself and lost his smile. You hated seeing him like that, and you were sure it was because of Jessi.

You were on your way back to your dorm when you heard Jaemin calling you. You turned around and saw him walking over to you, his hands in his pockets. You stopped walking and smiled. “Hey stranger”, you said with a giggle, but Jaemin didn’t smile back. Now you are worried. 

“What’s wrong?”, you asked, the worry evident in your voice. Has Jessi done something to him? What’s going on? “I’m sorry it had to come to this but, we can’t be friends anymore, so goodbye y/n”, Jaemin said with a frown. He didn’t give you a chance to say anything before he walked off, going into the direction of his dorm.

You just stood there, feeling numb. Your best friend since childhood has just told you he doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore? Now you were confused as fuck. You ran towards your dorm and headed straight to your dorm room, slamming the door behind you as you broke down in tears.

Yeji wasn’t going to be back until later since she’s going on a date with Renjun, so you had no one to talk to. Well, except Jeno but you’re sure Jaemin will be with Jeno so you didn’t want to bother him.

You laid on your bed, crying for what felt like hours. You hurt all over and feel sick to your stomach. You’ve lost your best friend and the person you’ve loved for ages, and you don’t know what to do. You felt lost and hopeless, and you just wanted to go somewhere peaceful, away from everything.

In Jaemin and Jeno’s room, Jaemin was sitting on his bed while Jeno was pacing around. “You really did that? Bro, how fucking stupid are you?”, Jeno said as he glared at Jaemin. Jaemin didn’t say anything as the guilt was eating him up. He wanted to scream, cry, punch something, but he couldn’t do anything.

“You know she’s toxic, bro. I’m worried for you, and I’m scared something is going to happen to you if you don’t leave her. Plus, you said yourself that you like y/n, right?”Jeno said, Jaemin now looking at him. Jaemin nodded and realised that he does love you. He started crying, scared that he fucked up and you now hate him.

Jeno stood there, feeling bad for his friend. He’s not the best at comforting people but he still hugged him, Jaemin hugging him back. “I’m not sure if this will make you feel any better but, I overheard someone saying that there’s a party at the weekend being held at one of the frat houses off campus. You wanna come?”, Jeno said, hearing the sniffles escaping Jaemin. He felt the boy nod, which made Jeno smile. Hopefully having a few drinks will take his mind off things.

Back in your room, you were throwing up in the toilet, still crying as you continued to vomit. You literally cried to the point of making yourself sick, and you hated yourself. Suddenly, the sound of your door opening alerted you as you finally finished throwing up, flushing the toilet and brushing your teeth.

You headed out the bathroom and saw Yeji, who’s hair was a mess. “What the fuck happened to you?”, you asked, and then you saw the hickeys on her neck. “Did Renjun fuck you or something”, you joking said, not thinking too much of it.

“He did, actually”, she said, making you widen your eyes. You looked at her and gave her a look, which made her laugh. “Anyway, moving on. Why were you throwing up? Are you sick? Have you been crying?”Yeji asked question after question, not giving you a chance to answer.

You thought long and hard before you gave her an answer, explaining what happened before with Jaemin, and how he doesn’t want to be your best friend anymore. You also told her how you’ve been feeling because of everything that’s happened and how you’re feeling lost and hopeless, and you don’t know what to do.

Yeji was shocked when you told her about what Jaemin said. She knows Jaemin would never do that on his own terms, so she has a feeling who is behind all this. Anger bubbles up inside of her, hating to see one of her friends hurting, again.

“Tell you what. Renjun is throwing a party at his frat house at the weekend and I’m going, do you wanna come with? Take your mind off things?”Yeji suggested, hoping you would take up the offer. You thought about it and eventually agreed, wanting to drink your sorrows away, but you didn’t tell her that.

-------------------------------

Saturday came sooner than you expected, and you’re wondering what to wear for the party. You weren’t sure if you wanted to wear something casual and cute, or wear something out of your comfort zone. You were looking at the red, tight fit dress you bought a couple of weeks ago and opted to wear that with a pair of black heels.

You went for a quick shower before getting ready, doing your hair and makeup. You were soon done as Yeji came into the room, already dressed (since she stayed over at Renjuns, she got ready there). 

“Everyone’s eyes will be looking at you tonight, you look hot”, Yeji exaggerated the word ‘hot’ as you laughed at her reaction, feeling confident about yourself at that moment. “Hey, before we leave, shall we drink some wine first? You know, since there’s some left”, you said as you got the wine out of the cupboard, taking a big gulp of the drink before handing the rest of it to Yeji.

You left the dormitory, walking off campus towards where the party was held. Thankfully Yeji knows where it is so you don’t have to worry about getting lost. You got there after around 10 minutes, walking straight into the house. There were already people who were drunk and it was only 5pm. People making out and sweaty bodies pushed up against each other as you pushed your way through the crowd. 

You went straight towards where the alcohol is, pouring yourself a drink in a red cup, downing it. The vodka burned the back of your throat as you hissed, before getting another one. You had about 3 drinks before you put the cup down, wanting to dance to the music that was blasting through the speakers.

You danced on your own while Yeji went to find Renjun, wanting you to meet him. You were just enjoying the buzz, getting lost in the music. You opened your eyes and that’s when you saw him. Jaemin. Except, he was with Jeno instead of Jessi. Why wasn’t he with Jessi? Not that you cared, he said he didn’t want to be your friend anymore. 

You don’t know if it was the alcohol or the desperation in you, but you walked over to Jaemin and stood in front of him. He was shocked to see you, especially after what happened. “Can we talk? Please?”, you pleaded, crossing your arms. Jaemin’s eyes drifted to your cleavage for a moment before looking you back in the eyes.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea”, Jaemin said as he began to walk away. You stopped him as you grabbed his arm. “Don’t give me that bullshit. I need to talk to you whether you like it or not”, you said sternly, and the pit of Jaemin’s stomach started burning. There was something in his eyes that made you clench your legs together, and after excusing himself from Jeno, you both went upstairs where it was quieter.

You pushed Jaemin into an empty room and locked the door, not wanting anyone to barge in. You looked at Jaemin who was sitting on the edge of a bed, his legs spread. “Are you still with Jessi?”, the question just slipped out of your mouth without thinking, and Jaemin scoffed. “So that’s what this is about. And to answer your question, no I’m not”, he answered. Something in the back of your mind was glad that he wasn’t with her anymore.

“Was it Jessi who told you to tell me you didn’t want to be friends anymore? Or was that off your own back? And don’t fucking lie to me Jaemin”, you said as you felt yourself getting more annoyed. He didn’t answer you as he just stared at the floor, not wanting to argue.

“For fucks sake, just answer me”, you yelled, startling Jaemin. He stood up and walked over to you, pushing you against the wall behind you. “You want the truth? Fine. It was Jessi who told me to tell you that because she was fucking annoyed about how much I talked about you”, Jaemin’s face was close to yours as he spoke, making you look him in the eyes.

All you could hear was the sound of your breathing and the faint noise of the music playing downstairs. You licked your lips before talking. “D-do you feel the same way that I do?”, you asked hesitantly, the fear of getting rejected. Jaemin furrowed his brows and took a step back. 

“Are you confessing your feelings to me? Are you trying to tell me you love me?”, he asked as he looked you in the eyes. You closed your eyes before nodding, not wanting to see his reaction to you confessing your feelings.

What you didn’t expect, though, was the feeling of his lips on yours. You gasped before kissing him back, pulling his body closer to yours. You felt yourself being pressed up against the wall behind you, the kiss getting deeper. Jaemin’s hands held your hips, as yours went behind his neck. You played with the hair at the nape of his neck, his black hair soft between your fingers. 

The kiss got more heated as his tongue fought with yours. He lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist, taking you to the bed. He laid you down on the bed, your lips still attached to each other. He trailed kisses from the corner of your mouth, down your jaw and across your neck, biting and sucking on the skin. You made sounds of pleasure which made Jaemin’s pants tighter. You flipped him over, Jaemin now underneath you. 

“You sure you want to do this?”, you asked, worried this would ruin your friendship, even though you knew you both felt the same way. Jaemin nodded at you and rubbed your hips before bringing you back down to kiss you.

-------------------------------

You laid there and stared at the ceiling, catching your breath. You felt great. Amazing, even. You looked over at Jaemin who was breathing heavily and held his hand. He looked at you and a huge smile formed on his face. He brought your hand up to his lips and kissed your knuckles.

Luckily the room you were in had a bathroom connected to it, so Jaemin got up and got a cloth to clean you both up, before you both got dressed again. When you were dressed again, you went into the bathroom to check your makeup, and that’s when you saw the marks running up and down your neck. There weren’t that many, but still enough to make you smile.

You left the bathroom and went back to Jaemin, seeing him fully clothed as he put his shoes back on. When he was standing up straight, you wrapped your arms around his waist and kissed between his shoulder blades. You couldn’t see the smile that formed on his face but you didn’t need to.

You both left the room, unlocking the door and the music downstairs was still playing loudly, some hip hop song you didn’t recognise hitting your ears. You walked down the stairs, hand in hand, and pushed through sweaty bodies. You saw Yeji in the corner of the room with someone, who you assumed was Renjun.

You walked over to where they were, and greeted them. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting for you for, like, an hour”, Yeji said as she looked at you, you shyly smiled as you looked down and Jaemin chuckled. Renjun snorted as he looked at the marks on your neck, and that’s when Yeji realised.

“You finally both realised your feelings for each other, thank fuck. I was wondering when that was going to happen”, she said as she smiled. She then introduced you guys to Renjun, who seemed really sweet the moment you saw him. He wasn’t your usual frat boy who loved to party every night and date lots of girls. He loved studying and drawing, and he also loved cats.

You drank a bit more, the taste of alcohol running down your throat as you moved to the music. You don’t know how much longer you stayed, but you soon found yourself getting hungry, and you were craving pizza. So, you and Jaemin, along with Yeji, Renjun and Jeno, you all left the party and went to the nearest pizza place, which you unfortunately had to take the bus to get to.

-------------------------------

You were all sitting round a table, sharing 2 large pizzas between the 5 of you. You were all laughing and enjoying the company around you. You looked at Jaemin and admired his side profile. His sharp jawline, his adams apple, and his long eyelashes. Jaemin felt you looking at him and turned to look at you.

“You alright there, babe?”, the sudden pet name slipped out of his mouth and just hearing it made you smile, butterflies forming in your stomach. “Yeah, I’m good. Really good”, you replied, leaning your head on his shoulder, Jaemin moving closer to you so you wouldn’t strain your neck.

Neither of you needed to ask a certain question, already knowing what the answer was going to be. Jaemin held your hand under the table and squeezed it, kissing your forehead and you felt yourself feeling sleepy, eventually falling asleep on his shoulder.

Yeji was the first to notice that you had fallen asleep, smiling at the scene in front of her. Everyone finished the pizza between them before they left the pizza place, Jaemin picking you up and carrying you bridal style, not wanting to wake you up since you look so peaceful.

You all went to the bus stop, waiting for it, which arrived a few minutes later. You all got on and sat down at the back of the bus (thankfully you were the only people on there, apart from the bus driver, since it’s late at night).

-------------------------------

You felt yourself being placed on a comfy surface, stirring in your sleep but soon waking up to see Jaemin putting you down. “You fell asleep while we were in the pizza place, and I didn’t want to wake you up so I brought you up here. With permission of course”, Jaemin explained as he kissed your cheek. You leaned into him, still feeling sleepy.

You’re sure Yeji is staying at Renjun’s again tonight, so you’re going to be alone for the rest of the night, and you were hesitating to ask Jaemin to stay the night. But you eventually found the confidence to ask him.

“Jaemin, please can you stay the night? Yeji is staying at Renjun’s so I’m gonna be alone for the rest of the night and I don’t want to be lonely”, you said as you played with your fingers. You were hoping Jaemin would say yes, since you wanted to cuddle with him. When you’re tipsy, or on the verge of being drunk, you get really affectionate and hug the person closest to you.

“Of course babe. I hope you don’t mind but I tend to sleep in just my boxers and a t-shirt”, he said, feeling rather shy now. You smiled at him and grabbed his hand, kissing his knuckles and rubbing your thumb along them. 

After wiping your makeup off and getting changed into your pyjamas, which consisted of shorts and a long sleeved t-shirt, you got into bed, making room for Jaemin. He soon got in after you, covering you both up. He wrapped his arms around you, putting your head on his chest. “I love you”, Jaemin said all of a sudden, making you smile. You buried your face in his chest and he chuckled at you, thinking you’re adorable. “I love you too”, you said back to him, Jaemin kissing the top of your bed before you felt yourself falling back asleep. The last thing you heard before falling asleep was the sound of Jaemin’s heartbeat which was beating rather fast. The reason for that: you.

#jaemin imagines #jaemin scenarios #jaemin angst #jaemin fluff #jaemin au #jaemin x reader #jaemin #nct dream imagines #nct dream scenarios #nct dream angst #nct dream fluff #nct dream au #nct dream x reader #nct dream

[riot-hellion]

ICARUS

A Niragi Suguru work of fiction. ‼️‼️SPOILERS FOR S2‼️‼️

No idea how many words, had fun writing.

No Beta, we die like Karube and Chota.

None of this is canon and is purely of my brain. Not My Gif!!!!

“Icarus is flying too close to the sun, And Icarus’ life, it has only just begun” Music blasted into Suguru’s ears as he walked under the bridge on his way home. He drowned out the insults hurled his way, hoping to make it past the bridge so he was left alone.

He could only hope to get past before they noticed he was there, before they noticed he was ignoring all of them. Suguru was lucky today, he was ignored for the most part and made it home without new bruises or scrapes.

Sighing, he let his guard down once inside his house, noticing his mother and father were gone again. A stack of money on the counter and a note saying not to spend it all, that they would be back in a week. He was fine with being alone again, he didn’t have to worry about them seeing him potentially come home, beaten and bruised from school and the walk home.

He was able to stop by the library before returning home the next day. He got a book, a myth to be specific. It was the myth of Icarus. The tale of the boy who flew too close to the sun.

Week after week passed, his parents came home, gave him more money and were gone once again. He managed to escape to the library occasionally, constantly checking out the myth of Icarus. He was fascinated by the idea of being able to fly away from his life with only wax wings carrying him away. He wished to be Icarus, care free and able to fly.

Years passed, now owning that copy of Icarus. He sat waiting for his bus, only to see fireworks. Those fireworks that made him blink. When he opened his eyes there was nothing.

The bustling city was now barren, not one person in sight. His book was still in his hand, the only normalcy he had as his first game commenced. An eight of spades. Someone took a shot at him and that book was tucked away in his shirt, right in front of his heart.

He understood he survived because of Icarus, so he lived as though he was a man with wings.

He joined The Beach, became a militant with excellent marksmanship. He was feared by the members with a well known name, he was finally better than those that put him down for years.

When Hatter was killed, he was excited. He could fly higher than ever without being told no.

During the Ten of Hearts, he flew higher and higher. Taking his place atop the roof as a sniper for the tenants trying to flee from the game. As he was burned he believed he had flown too high and his wings melted, burned by Chishiya and falling to his death. He believed that was the end, he had flown too high and melted his wings, now plummeting back to earth much like Icarus.

The wreckage of The Beach was slowly dying out, the fires done and the embers cooled. Niragi woke up, his body had survived the fall and the burns. He stood in pain, believing he should be done for. But there he was, standing in the charred rubble of the home he had known while in this strange world. He was alone, much like when he was young.

He stumbled around, narrowly escaping the King of Spades, making it to the King of Clubs. He was greeted by Usagi, Arisu, Tatta, and Kuina, horrified by the sight of him. After the game, he escaped death once again and he was back to stumbling around. He had flown higher than thought, feeling the rush of almost being killed in a face game.

The standoff was how he got to where he lay now, bleeding out. He tried to kill Chishiya, only to get shot by Arisu, knocking him off the car and onto his back against another. He felt in his heart that he would fly higher once again. Eventually, night fell and the Queen of Hearts blimp held its position steady, tricking him and anyone who saw into believing Arisu had lost. Mumbles were heard, but he never registered the words, only the oh so familiar voice that followed after every game won.

Time seemed to halt as Suguru saw what could only be described as light passing his line of sight in the darkness of the city taken back by nature. His burns tingled and his bullet wounds stung. “This is how it feels to take a fall, Icarus is flying towards an early grave” He mumbled out loud. The final lyrics of the song that once protected him, were now the lyrics that forced his realization.

He finally flew too close to the sun. Suguru was Icarus, flying too close to the sun only for his wings of wax to melt.

#niragi suguru #aib niragi #niragi angst #major character death #aib s2 #aib #alice in borderland #the march hare #icarus greek mythology #bastille #angst #icarus bastille #i’m so​ sorry #no happy ending #tw: death mention #tw: death #niragi alice in borderland #niragi imagine

[em-neko]

FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM (KBTBB HEADCANON)

how i think mc would’ve met + fallen in love with the bidders if she hadn’t been put up for auction.

oh and i added a song to go along with each scenario, enjoy!

a/n: the auctions don’t exist in this universe, so the bidders don’t know each other (assuming soryu, eisuke and luke didn’t stay in contact after high school). however, shuichi and hikaru are friends.

EISUKE

when mc worked at the tres spade, they’d often run into each other

she’d always catch his eye, but he wasn’t sure why

she was just like any other maid, after all

but to him, she seemed different somehow

one day, his curiosity got the best of him and he promoted her to the penthouse

at first, she was really shy and wouldn’t even look him in the eye

he’d try chatting her up (in his own way)

but she wouldn’t open up (understandably)

so one day, he asked her to make him coffee

their first conversation was about how eisuke liked his coffee

somehow, he managed to make her laugh

and slowly, she began warming up to him

since then, whenever she’d go up to the penthouse to clean, they’d end up just talking the entire time

mc got in trouble for it (and by trouble i mean, erika and tweedledee and tweedledum bullied her about it) but eisuke always defended her

if eisuke was too busy in his office to talk to her, he’d leave her a small present on the coffee table for her to find

things like jewelry, clothes, beauty products and sweets

in exchange, mc left notes and doodles for eisuke to find

once she even left a short comic that she’d written and illustrated for him to read

he saved them all

soon, their relationship turned flirty

eisuke would tease her constantly

sometimes, he’d jokingly pin mc down on the couch

or he’d give her little surprise kisses while she’d be cleaning

mc would always blush and get super flustered

in typical eisuke fashion, he’d play it off as a joke

but it was obvious he really liked her

soon, eisuke offered her to move into the penthouse

he blamed it on boredom and pulled them “it’s for work” card, but mc saw right through it

and she agreed

SORYU

i genuinely don’t think they would’ve ever met if it weren’t for the auctions

however, i could see them potentially meeting in a bookstore

it was that cliche, looking over the shelf, eyes meeting type of thing

soryu didn’t pay any mind to her at first, but he’d remember her face

he found himself thinking about her a lot

she was scared of him at first, but she found him really attractive

so they’d both go to the bookstore every few days, hoping they run into one another

they wouldn’t speak to each other though

but that doesn’t mean the staff of the bookstore didn’t take notice of their occasional glances

they were kinda suspicious because mc and soryu would always be in the store at the same time

so one day, after closing, the staff reorganized the shelves so that the romance section (mc’s favorite section) would be right besides the crime novel section (soryu’s favorite section)

hoping they’d talk to each other

and it worked!

when mc and soryu returned to the bookstore the next day, they realized that things had been move around

and found themselves shoulder to shoulder

mc eventually gathered up the courage to ask him what he was reading

and he offered to buy her a book he liked

in exchange, she bought him a book she liked

every few days, they’d purchase books for each other, and talk about the last books

mc began to leave notes in soryu’s books

and he left notes in hers too

notes turned to letters

and soon, a phone number was left on the bottom of one of the letters

OTA

they met at a museum

ota was there to look for inspiration

while mc was just wardering around on her lunch break

ota caught mc’s eye immediately, he’s the angelic artist after all

but she didn’t want to bother him, nor did she have the courage to talk to him in the first place

so she just pretended like she didn’t see him

when the paparazzi and ota’s fangirls catch wind that he’s at the museum, they all swarmed the place

ota frantically tried to find a place for hide

and luckily for him, mc found a way to sneak into the security guard’s office

she ushered him in and told him to hide under the desk

while waiting for the chaos to cool down, they joked around and laughed together

ota told mc she looked like his old dog and called her koro as a joke

she rolled her eyes, before bursting out laughing

he started treating her like a dog (asking her to sit, give paw, jump etc.) and she played along

they both laughed together hysterically at the end

when the chaos cooled down, ota left his hiding spot

but, not before asking her if he can “take her on a walk sometime”

she’d bark happily

i made mc a whiling participant to ota’s shenanigans because a big reason why i didn’t like ota’s main story was because i felt so bad for mc

MITSUNARI

they met after baba had stolen a painting at an gallery, owned by a child predator

ayame was chasing him down the street

with no where to go, baba ran into a random building

(that happened to be mc’s apartment complexe)

he entered a random apartment on the second floor

(which also happened to be mc’s apartment)

and hid inside her bathtub

when mc got home and found him inside her bathtub, she freaked out (obviously)

she yelled at him and beat him with a broomstick

somehow baba managed to talk her out of calling the cops by explaining the situation to her

after she calmed down, they drank some tea together and chit chatted

mostly about their jobs

baba teased her a lot about being a maid, while she simply blushed, too shy to tease back

but she couldn’t hide the fact that she found good looking

minutes turned to hours

and the next morning, mc woke up in her own bed

turns out, baba had carried her to her bedroom after she’d fallen asleep while they were talking

and sat at the foot of her bed until the crack of dawn

just to make sure she didn’t have any nightmares after the scare he gave her

to thank her for “the unforgettable night” she gave him, he left her a note with his phone number on it

and at the bottom, it was written to call him if she ever needed help

and he’d be there

mc didn’t think she’d ever use it, after all she wasn’t stupid, she knew a womanizer when she saw one

but when she got invited to a party a few days later, she realized that she needed a date

and who better was to call than the flirty thief she’d just met?

MAMORU

they met on the bus

mc was on her way to meet a friend

while she was sitting on the bus, reading her book, mamoru came stumbling in

mc noted that he looked sleepy

when he came towards her, she made sure to move her back out of the way so he could sit down

mere seconds after the bus began moving again, mamoru fell asleep

on mc’s shoulder

mc didn’t want to wake him up and ask him to move because he seemed so exhausted

so she let him sleep on her

she didn’t mind too much, besides she was only getting off at the last stop

and she thought he was pretty cute, but she’d never admit that

but then, the last stop came

and mamoru was still sleeping on her shoulder

mc wondered if he’d missed his stop or if he was getting off on the last stop too

she gently nudged him, calling out to him to wake up

when he woke up, he realized he’d missed his stop and started freaking out

he blamed mc for not waking him up at his stop

mc retorted that she didn’t know which stop was his

and they walked off the bus bickering

they continued arguing on the street too

until mamoru realized how stupid he sounded and somewhat apologized

mc was understandably annoyed that this man had wasted her time and stomped away

but before she could get far enough away from him, he called out to her

he asked her if he could apologize to her with some dinner

he expected her to say no

but instead, she told him she’d only go if he took her to the best ramen place in town

and he agreed

LUKE

like soryu, i can’t imagine them ever meeting if it wasn’t for mc being sold at the auctions

however, there is a possibility that they’d run into each other at the hotel

mc had just gotten transferred to the tres spade dubai

and luke had a meeting there with potential patient

while luke waited for the patient in the lobby, all of the female staff members were checking him out

of course, he is very handsome after all

mc didn’t pay too much mind, she admitted he was good looking, but this was the tres spade

handsome men came through those doors every day

so she simply walked by and continued her work

and luke and his patient eventually went to his suite

a few hours later, mc was asked to bring some refreshments to room 145

turns out, it was luke’s patient’s suite

she smiled politely at luke and his patient and placed the bottles of whiskey on the table in front of them

eyes wide like he was in a trance, he reached his fingertips towards her chest

panicked, mc was about to push his hands away and apologize, thinking he was reaching for her breast

but he wasn’t

instead, he began caressing her collarbones, while praising their beauty

mc and the patient stared at each other with big eyes, confused as to what to do

“uh.. dr foster, are you okay?”

mc was beginning to get flustered at how close luke was

so she gently placed her hands on his and pushed them off of her

she apologized and told him she had to go, and to call the front desk if he needed anything else

but before she could leave, luke called out to her

he asked her if she’d come to his clinic sometimes

he wanted to get x-ray’s of her collarbones

and as weirded out as mc was, she agreed

SHUICHI

they met while shuichi was staying at the tres spade japan on a business trip

mc had just finished cleaning the third floor

so she stepped on the elevator to make her way to the twentieth floor, where she’d end her shift

shuichi was already inside

she bowed to him, greeting him politely

he simply nodded his head

after pressing her floor button, she stepped back and stood besides shuichi

they rode in silence

until the elevator suddenly came to a harsh stop

mc began freaking out

and shuichi got frustrated

he tried mc calming down in his own way

she got pissed at him

but hey, at least she wasn’t panicking anymore

shuichi clicked the help button and they waited

and waited

after a while, while they sat on the floor, mc apologized to shuichi for the inconvenience

he assured her that it wasn’t her fault

after a brief moment of silence, she asked him why he was staying at the tres spade

and they began talking about work

soon, the conversation turned political

mc was a unsure because of how stiff shuichi was

she thought he was annoyed at her

but he wasn’t

in fact, shuichi was impressed by how educated mc was on the subject

and he loved how casually she spoke about it too

once help finally arrived, he couldn’t help but feel sad that the conversation had to come to an end

he genuinely loved talking to her

she was laid back, but intelligent, a combination he found very attractive

so he asked her she’d be his date that night to his business dinner

and she said yes

HIKARU

they met at work, of course

hikaru was always super friendly towards mc

he’d always help her when he had free time

sometimes he’d buy her food at the cafeteria

or bring her coffee from the local coffee shop

soon, mc began developing a little crush on him

at least, that was until he lured her to into a secluded area at the hotel and threatened her with a knife

turns out, he was going after the wrong person

his target’s wife coincidentally had the same first and last name as mc

hence why hikaru confused them

he apologized

but now that she knew who he really was, he couldn’t just let her go

so he told the manager that they were dating and he wanted mc to move in with him

unfortunately for mc, the manager said yes

and they moved in together

at first, mc was (understandably) afraid of hikaru

but soon, she warmed up to him

in fact, she actually began liking his sassy attitude better than his good guy persona

and there was no denying he was into her too

they played house together

they cooked together, cleaned together, watched shows together, built ikea furniture together

hell, they even argued about which type of cheese to buy at the grocery store

when hikaru had nightmares, they’d cuddle and mc would listen to him talk about his demons all night

hikaru was terrified she’d leave him one day

but she never did

RHION

they met at an antique store

rhion was looking for a new unique trinket to add to his collection

while mc was simply aimlessly wandering around the shop

when their eyes suddenly met

it was love at first sight

however, they were both too shy to come up to each other

so they just creeped on each other until the store closed

when it was time to go home, rhion instantly regretted not talking to her

he was upset, there was his chance to not be alone anymore, yet he blew it

he felt like a coward

but the next day, rhion got a knock at the door

and it was mc!

turns out, he had dropped his id while paying for his things at the antique store

and mc was there to return it

he told her that he’d “found his alice”

and invited her in for some tea

they talked until the early hours of the morning

she spent the night

then the week

then the month

and that’s when rhion realized, she wasn’t leaving

and he didn’t complain one bit

#kbtbb headcanon #kbtbb #kissed by the baddest bidder #love 365 #love 365: find your story #voltage inc #voltage games #voltage headcanon #otome game #nina’s headcanons

[adarlingwrites]

Dormouse

Summary:

After playing a game with two of The Beach's most dangerous members, the dormouse gets her tail caught by a tiger's paw.

He’ll make a wildcat out of her.

Author’s Notes: A character study for my AiB OC, Minami Yamane. The story takes place months before the main events of the series.

Edit 4/27/2021: I edited the chapter and added a few more paragraphs to highlight how desperate Yamane's living conditions were before the Borderlands. Some of the changes include more scenes of her happily pillaging stores because she never had plenty of groceries before, and changing her apartment into a 1R apartment.

I

everybody's looking for something / some of them want to use you / some of them want to get used by you

Mice and rats are vermin.

They are filthy, scurrying little creatures that will take anything they can lay their little paws on. In an urban city such as Tokyo, they thrive outside the human view, in the dank, dark underbelly of the bustling city.

They have no place in polite society, and neither does the girl running from an accessory shop in the populated streets of Harajuku.

It was just supposed to be a simple swipe. She had been shoplifting for quite a while now, ever since her parents threw her out and cut all her access to their money.

Yes, this little mouse wasn’t always one.

This happened all because she no longer wanted their control on her life anymore.

“You’re going to take Business Administration and take over the family business,” they would always remind her, drilling it into her thick skull since she can remember. But screw that, she’s not about to let them decide what she will be any further.

Now, look where that got her.

Scurrying, panting, and her feet skidding against the sidewalk, she ran into a busy boutique, blending in with the crowd. She almost ran into a baby carriage, muttering a quick apology to the annoyed mother pushing it. Eyes alert, she spotted an open storage closet an employee had left open. Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, she slipped inside, and shut the door.

Outside, the police are asking around if they had seen a girl with her description. Heart in her throat and pulse rapid, the mouse bit back a curse when the woman with the baby carriage pointed at the storage closet she’s in. Their footsteps approaching, she was bracing herself to slam the doors open once they’re within range.

But the lights flickered, and the officers never came.

Dark, damp, and musty, she’s a rat in a cage. Her only source of light was the faint sunlight that streamed through the glass storefront, seeping into the corners of the door. It was so quiet; too quiet. She swore she can hear her own heartbeat and the sweat rolling off of her skin.

With caution, she slowly opens the door, and the previously populated boutique is deserted. Not a single soul was in sight. Anxiety and bewilderment made her pulse quicken even more.

“Where the hell is everyone,” she mumbles to no one.

Confused, she runs out of the store, to the streets. The city is bustling no more. Everyone vanished.

If this was some kind of sick joke, this little mouse was not having it. She takes out her cell phone from her bag, only to see that it’s dead. Cursing, she runs back to the store to find an outlet, and plugs her flip phone in, to no avail. It’s still dead. She looks around and sees that all the displays are powered down.

Electricity is gone, and so is the water, she found out when she went to the bathroom in plans of dousing herself awake. All utilities had been cut. Taking a moment to compose herself, the mouse left the store once more to walk around. The streets are deserted, cars lining up in the desolate roads. Some of the windows are rolled down, and the mouse reaches in to unlock the door.

Turning the keys, she tried to get it to run, but to no avail. With a baffled look, she looks around in the car. Beside her was a plastic bag, still warm to the touch. A fried chicken sandwich is nestled inside, along with the receipt, a half-eaten bag of fries, and a few packets of ketchup.

She takes that, steps out of the vehicle, and begins eating while making her way back to her apartment, occasionally checking inside cars to see if anyone’s inside.

Everyone is gone, and no one is watching.

Relief replaces the little mouse’s horror upon realizing that among those gone are her landlady. “If she’s gone, I don’t have to pay rent anymore,” she gasps to no one in particular, and a smile slowly spreads on her lips.

“I don’t even have to pay bills anymore. I don’t have to watch out for security guards and cops.” The mouse starts laughing at that point, palming at her forehead. 

“Ha! I can finally do what I want now.” Her laughter was equal parts bitter, and cathartic.

Upon arriving to her apartment, she realizes that the chicken sandwich would probably stave off her hunger for the afternoon. She still had her bike and her delivery bag with her from work, and an idea forms in her head. She doesn’t know what the hell is going on, but if no one is around to watch her… she might as well do the thing she’s best at: take.

She will need to survive while waiting this out, after all.

Riding her way to the nearest convenience store, the mouse stuffed her bag with canned and non-perishable goods, filling it to the brim with groceries she normally couldn’t afford. From behind the counter, she takes several plastic bags and fills it with frozen goods, and dumps that in the front basket of her bike. The food probably needed to be heated up, so she made it a point to check for a butane stove. Luckily for her, there was one in the back, along with a few canisters of fuel.

Giddy, she bikes her way back to her apartment, unloads her haul, and comes back for more.

She targeted the water next, but found it too heavy for the bike. Not willing to leave the goods behind, she grabbed a shopping cart and filled it to her heart’s desire, until it was almost too heavy for her to push. The mouse carted the goods back to her apartment, exhausted, but genuinely relieved for the first time in months.

By the time that the sun is down, the mouse is sitting happily in her apartment, sorting through groceries that would last her weeks, if she’s careful with them. The mini fridge was still cold despite the lack of electricity, so she stuffed the frozen goods inside, the door barely closing due to the amount of content inside. Once littered with cobwebs, her pantry is now full with various dry goods and snacks. Some of them couldn’t even fit in the shelves, so she put them in the bedroom instead, which doubles as her living space, separated by a divider from the kitchen.

A contented grin on her face, she takes a breather and opens one of the snack cakes she took, and a box of coated biscuits.

The mouse finished her snacks blissfully, not one care in the world as she devoured them.

When she was walking back to fetch her bike from the convenience store, a billboard lights up, catching her attention.

She was in for a world of danger.

Two weeks later, the mouse stays in her apartment, her nest in this strange new world, tending a shoulder she bruised days ago. She quietly thanked herself for scouring the pharmacy after her first game.

The last one she participated in was a Three of Diamonds, and she almost didn’t make it out. It was good to see other people, but she had witnessed them die right before her eyes because of a wrong answer, and plain selfishness.

It was a game held in an abandoned variety show set. Get the answer right, you get to live to answer the next. Get it wrong, you have to work with the other contestants to survive a game of hole in the wall... or fall in a pool of acid. Contestants will take turns answering questions, and they weren’t allowed to coach each other.

The contestants were Mugi Nakamura, a high school girl in a swim team, Taro Kobayashi, a salaryman and father of two, and the mouse herself, Minami Yamane, a part-time seamstress in a factory by day, food courier by sundown, and a full-time troublemaker.

It was going so well. Yamane had gotten all of the questions right, and so did Nakamura, but Kobayashi made a mistake. The curtains drew back, and the wall revealed a single, round hole near the bottom. Time was running out.

Eyes haunted, Yamane looked at her reflection in the mirror as she pressed the compress against her shoulder, the dark circles under her eyes deepening, and so did her frown. There are some things she wished she could scour from her memory.

Kobayashi was willing to throw the two girls under the bus, despite Yamane insisting that they can all survive it if they formed a straight line and curled into a deep bow. Disgusted by his selfishness, Yamane shoves the salaryman aside and dives through the circle. She turned around to see if Nakamura followed suit, but the only thing she saw was her body dissolving in the pool.

Their pained, agonized cries filled the room, and Yamane couldn’t tear her eyes away. The last thing she saw before she got a “game clear'' was Nakamura’s faux fingernail floating to the surface before getting eaten away by the acid.

Around her, makeup and trinkets that she couldn’t afford on her salary littered the desk, her small sources of comfort and joy. Empty packages of frozen foods lined neatly up in her trash can, and so did the empty cans and bottles. Yamane was beginning to run low on her supplies. She will have to scavenge farther from home. That wouldn’t be a problem. On days that she isn’t risking her life on a game, she started working out to improve her stamina, and improve her odds of surviving these games. Spade games were the most physically demanding ones.

The little mouse is starting to get used to this life. There are no parents to tell her what to do, and no expectations from society, but in return, she will have to risk her life playing these treacherous games.

After tending to her shoulder, it was time for Yamane’s nightly routine. With make up wipes, she’d wipe off the makeup off of her face. She undoes her twin buns, and brushes her hair down; thankfully, it wasn’t time to wash them yet, and her shoulder hurts. Cleaning herself off with a towel and a little water, Yamane changed into cleaner clothes and went to bed, nestled in pillows and sheets she snatched from a nearby mall’s home section on the way home from the Diamond game.

There were other people loitering about when she made her haul. The initial relief she had upon meeting people in the games were replaced by paranoia after that game with the salaryman. Purging the mental image of their dissolving bodies off of her mind, she pulls the covers over her head and curls into a fetal position.

Her ears perked up when she heard footsteps in the kitchen.

“Shit, did I forget to lock the door?” Yamane thought to herself. 

Listening intently, she approximated the size of the person intruding her home through their footsteps, something she learned to do while living under the scrutiny of her family. They were light.

Like a child’s.

Carefully getting out of bed, Yamane tiptoes her way to the kitchen, and clamps her hand over the intruder’s mouth.

“Don’t make a sound,” she hissed, and she can sense the fear coming from the small body. Yamane spins the intruder around only to see a young girl. Judging from her height and prepubescent looks, she might be in early middle school. “What the hell are you doing in my house?”

“Oneesan, I’m so sorry for trespassing, but please, I’m starving. I saw you walking away from the grocery store with a huge haul a few days ago-”

“Great,” she thought.  People are starting to notice her hauls.

“Out. Get out now.”

“B-but please! I don’t know what else to do. I’m not a thief, but I’m so desperate… I’m so hungry.”

Taking a deep inhale, Yamane eyes the girl. She’s rail-thin, her uniform is soiled, and her hair is a tangled mess. Her lips are dry from the lack of water, and her hair is dull from the lack of proper nutrition. Groaning and rubbing her face, Yamane relents.

“Fine, take what you need and go.”

“Can I please stay with you?”

Yamane scoffs. “What? I don’t have time to look after a kid.”

“I can’t find my parents. I have no friends to talk to. It gets scary at night without all the lights too. Please, let me stay.”

Yamane should be kicking this girl out. Instead, she’s now handing her a pillow over as the kid ate dinner on the floor couch in her room. It was nothing special, but Yamane went through the trouble of preparing something somewhat healthy for the girl, despite her reluctance in letting her stay. Begrudgingly, Yamane tosses her a blanket too.

“This help’s not for free. You’re going to have to make yourself useful if you want to stay with me. And if you try to steal from me, I won’t hesitate to hurt you,” Yamane says, sitting on her mattress right across the couch.

“I promise I’ll be good.”

“What’s your name? How old are you?”

“Fumiko Sato. I’m twelve years old.”

The mouse’s expression softens against her will. Yamane thought someone that young shouldn’t be in a world such as this. Sure, it suited her, but it didn’t suit the preteen sitting on her couch. A girl her age’s problems should be about school, crushes, and which accessories she should wear tomorrow, not a brutal survival game.

“I’m Minami Yamane. Twenty three. How many days do you have left on your visa?”

“Two.”

“Shit”, Yamane thought. “I’ll have to bring her to a game soon.”

“Go to sleep. You’ll help me scavenge tomorrow, then we’ll go to a game.”

“Thank you. I’ll do my best!”

Without uttering another word, Yamane goes to bed, pulling the covers over her head. It’s been a long time since she looked after someone else. Exhaling slowly, her mind wanders back to home.

“I wonder how Mai and Riku are doing”, she thought.

A photograph of her and Mai, her little sister, sits on a desk, with a picture of an infant boy attached to it. Mai would have been nineteen now, and Riku would have been three. Such a huge age difference between the siblings, a result of her father remarrying after her and Mai’s mother died.

Yamane didn’t even visit her funeral.

Not wanting to waste precious minutes she could’ve used to rest on thinking about the life she left behind, Yamane got back in bed and closed her eyes.

The next morning, she woke up to the smell of food.

“Good morning, oneesan,” Sato greeted, setting rice balls and two cups of instant miso soup on the table. Yamane checks out the stove, and the butane is almost out. They’ll have to look for more. Without electricity, it’s a precious commodity, especially if they want to continue having hot meals.

Sato says her grace, and without saying a word, Yamane sits and eats the food prepared for her. The middle schooler was looking at her with expectant eyes as she chewed on her rice ball.

“These are good. Thanks. I hope you rested well. We’re going to the train station to get you a bike, then we’ll go to a grocery store father from here for goods.”

Sato nodded and they spent the rest of the meal in peace. After freshening up and getting dressed, Yamane tosses Sato her thermal bag. “Be alert around strangers and stay close to me.” Yamane instructed her as Sato strapped the bag on. “For now, you’ll be riding on the backseat.”

Nodding, Sato follows her down the apartment complex’s stairs, feeling secure for the first time in days. She gets on the bike, and wraps her arms around Yamane’s waist as they ride to the train station.

Meanwhile, Yamane’s mind wanders back to her little sister. They used to ride like this when she was a little younger, before her parents forced her to go to university for Business Administration. Five years ago, on her eighteenth birthday, she and Mai snuck out of the house to celebrate with her friends. They ate shabu shabu together and Yamane had her first taste of liquor.

They never heard the end of it when they got back, and Yamane got a few bruises from the beating she had to endure, but it was a precious memory.

Yamane and Sato arrived at the train station, and took a bike from the rental booth. This one had a child’s seat at the back, which was decent for groceries too. The bike is Sato’s bike now.

Today’s haul was bountiful. Aside from necessities, Yamane even managed to score some box dye. Her highlights were fading out. Sato also found clothes her size, and a mild, fruity cologne for teenagers, then she placed those in the front basket of her bike, along with some sweets she was previously wasn’t allowed to eat too much of.

After sorting the groceries and having dinner, Yamane and Sato sat in the older girl’s room, where the younger girl helped the older one dye the fading red streaks of hair, just like her friends did.

“Maybe having this kid around isn’t so bad”, Yamane thought to herself. She’ll have an extra pair of eyes to watch her back now. Sato helped her rinse her hair in the bathroom sink and they laughed together.

“Alright. Time for some rest,” Yamane says, running a towel through her hair, sitting on her mattress. “We need to participate in a game tomorrow to extend your visa.”

“Okay. Thanks again for everything, Minami-neesan.”

Secretly, Yamane’s heart leapt from being called older sister again. But she would never admit it. She convinced herself that she’s only using her as a pack mule.

The next night, they arrived at a game venue. An arcade. A laser tag arena, to be precise.

The two of them took phones from the table, and waited for other participants. There was a rowdy group of four boys, all high school age, and judging from their appearances, they must be delinquents. Or perhaps, in this world, they have the freedom to act tough now. Sato stepped a little closer to Yamane, feeling uneasy.

Then, two men arrived.

The group of boys fell into a hush at their arrival. Yamane kept her head straight on, but she was looking at them from the corner of her eyes, her field of vision obscured by her shades. Sato, on the other hand, was trembling beside her.

One of the men was wearing a black patterned shirt, part of his shoulder-length hair tied, and on his face were various piercings. He was toting a gun, and he shoved one of the highschool boys aside, brusquely telling them to get out of his way.

The other was the quiet type. He was taller than the other man, shoulders broad despite his wiry build and bad posture. This one had tattoos on his face, wearing a sleeveless cloak with the hood up, and he carries a katana.

“Where did he find a fucking katana,” Yamane thought to herself. If there’s one thing she couldn’t find on her hauls, it was decent weapons to defend herself with.

Yamane pretends not to notice them, but Sato is staring at the two men outright. The younger girl pulls at Yamane’s sleeve urgently.

“Oneesan, they’re scary.”

“Don’t give them any attention. Focus on the game.”

Sato keeps quiet, fidgeting and sweating. The preteen made the mistake of looking at them again, and she tugs on Yamane’s sleeves once more.

“Oh God, they’re looking at you!” Sato whispers urgently, wrapping an arm around Yamane’s.

Yamane tilts her head, and sees that they are indeed looking at her. The one with piercings is openly leering, his tongue slipping out of his mouth, revealing another piercing. The one with the tattooed face was harder to read. His mouth was slightly open, twitching on one side.

“Let them stare,” she tells the younger girl.

“Just what I needed,” Yamane muttered, a wave of discomfort washing over her. “They look dangerous. I hope they’re not perverts,” she adds, shielding the younger girl, and Sato couldn’t help but take another peek.

“Ew, they do kind of look like perverts, oneesan. Especially that one with the piercings.”

“Then let’s not attract their attention.”

Yamane pulls her jacket’s hood over her head, then she folds her arms and looks away. She knew better than to provoke them.

A third man catches up with the two. Then, Yamane notices it; the tag on their wrists with numbers. The other two had them too. Were they a team?

Yamane had no time to think when the final contestant arrived, a balding middle-aged man. He took the last phone, and the synthetic voice flooded the room.

“Please proceed further into the arena.”

Instead of the usual laser tag equipment, they were met with real firearms, along with some melee weapons. The sight of them made Sato squirm, and Yamane herself was disturbed. There are written instructions to take as many weapons as they desire.

The delinquent boys eagerly reached for the guns, leaving Yamane and Sato with none. The two intimidating men and their third companion didn’t need them, and stayed in their spots, watching the two girls pick a weapon. Sato sheepishly opted for a pocket knife, while Yamane quickly reached for the daggers. They came with leg holsters which she strapped on her thighs.

She can feel the two’s gaze burning her back as she bent over to adjust the straps.

“Great. They are perverts,” she thinks to herself, straightening and looking over her shoulder to give them a chastising look.

The monitor comes to life, and the synthetic voice crackles through the speakers. The participants’ faces were on the screen, where they are divided into two teams. Team A consisted of the four delinquent boys, and the middle-aged man. Team B consisted of Yamane, Sato, and the three men with the bracelets.

“Please sort yourselves accordingly and proceed to your team’s base.”

Yamane didn’t know if she should be relieved or concerned that she got sorted with those two. She stands next to the one with tattoos. Her shades obscured her eyes, which trailed on his arms, observing the ink. A muscle flexes as he unsheaths his katana; he looks like he possesses a wiry strength. Then, he turns to her, slowly, and Sato squirms beside her. Yamane only pulled her shades down slightly and stared back, raising an eyebrow.

The tense moment was shattered by the synthetic voice once more.

“Registration closed. There are currently ten players. Difficulty: Seven of Clubs.”

“Seven? That’s difficult, isn’t it?” Sato asks Yamane, and she hushes her.

“Game: Elimination. Rules: Work with your team to eliminate the opposing team. Clear condition: Team with the most number of members left by the end of the time limit wins. If there are equal numbers of participants from each team, everyone loses. Time limit: thirty minutes.”

“Wait, wait! Elimination? We’re supposed to kill the other team? Minami-neesan this is bad!” Sato exclaims, pulling on Yamane’s sleeve again.

“Calm down, calm down! We just need to survive until the thirty minutes is up,” Yamane hushes her, pulling her closer.

“That’s right little mice, you two better hide,” the man with the pierced face interrupts them. “Don’t get in our way.”

“We have no intentions to,” Yamane replied sharply, before whisking Sato away to look for a hiding spot.

Yamane looks over her shoulder one last time, and the tattooed man gives her one last curious look before walking towards the arena.

“These thirty minutes are going to be hell.”

#alice in borderland #imawa no kuni no alice #fanfic: dormouse #oc: minami yamane #last boss #takatora samura #suguru niragi #fanfiction #character study

[trashfor-imagines]

My Senpai | 4

Ushijima x Reader

Summary: You’re Goshiki Tsutomu’s older doting sister, second year at Shiratorizawa and captain of the girl’s track & field team. At your brother’s first practice you sneak in to support him and end up meeting the impressive force that is his captain. Warnings: None really. Mentions sex. Spoilers: We’re encroaching on manga territory. Takes place after Karasuno v Shiratorizawa.

Author’s Note: Sorry for not updating in forever! I lost my original chapter and got discouraged. I started rewatching Ushijima episodes to refresh my grasp on his character.

[1] | [2] | [3] | [4] | [5]

-

It was a shock. You never thought Shiratorizawa was capable of losing this year. Ushijima appeared unaffected, but that was just him. It was always mental for him and he had the ability to act with a sort of chivalric grace whenever faced with conflict. God, your boyfriend was really cool. Your brother, however, it broke your heart to see him cry.

After the award ceremony, you raced down to wait by the bus. Ushijima walked out first, his head held high. Noticing you, he simply rested his large hand on your head before getting on the bus. Quiet hello’s and thanks for coming’s were whispered to you. Your little brother could barely make eye contact, the last one to get on the bus. Reaching for his hand, you gave it a squeeze before letting it go and heading for the bus that brought the cheer squad.

The ride felt long. You spent most of it listening to music and playing with the sleeve of Ushijima’s spare team jacket he’d given you shortly after dating. You smiled and chatted occasionally with your fellow students, but the topics of discussion were focused on how Ushijima and the third years were doing. They expected you to have the answers and quite frankly, you thought it was obvious.

Getting back, you made your way into the gym to see the team working on serves. You sat quietly on the sidelines and watched as everyone gave their all, letting out their frustrations from the day. You never knew you could find the slams of volleyballs to be comforting to where they could put you to sleep. Or maybe you were just exhausted. Either way, you woke up from being carried.

“Wakatoshi,” you mumbled, snuggling closer to his chest.

The two of you snuck into your dorm room, stripping down into your underwear and entangling under the sheets. Ushijima’s body was like a radiator, warm and comforting.You ran your fingers through his hair patiently. If he wanted to talk, then he would. Until then, you whispered little praises to him, pressing kisses to his shoulder between sentences.

“I won’t lose again,” he spoke quietly.

Months passed and things continued to go well between the two of you. They were better than ever honestly. During Christmas you visited each other’s families at his request. You didn’t even have to prompt it! Your parents loved him. They thought he was quite the protector type and approved. His mother ended up accepting you once she realized you were intelligent and genuinely loved her son. Your personality had definitely thrown her for a loop.

Graduation was soon approaching and the two of you decided on a five year plan together. Long nights were spent discussing goals and dreams, wondering if they would be compatible with one another. He intended on going pro right after school; the Schweiden Adlers seemed most likely and they were based in Oita. You still had your third year of high school to finish, but you were applying to Kyushu University for architecture. It was in Fukuoka and closer than your other options to Oita. It was just a couple of hours by train or car. You also had plans to stick with track and field and keep your spot on the national team for as long as you could. You both had your eyes on the 2016 Olympics.

For a year the two of you managed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship.

After graduation, there were farewell and congratulatory parties almost every day, but the most fun for you was going apartment hunting, together. It was like a vacation, enjoying the beaches and hot springs. You spent a week staying at his apartment where the lease was ending soon. He said the two of you needed a new place together, that his current apartment wasn’t fitting enough for you. On your third day in Oita, Ushijima decided on the place, a 2 bed and 1.5 bath townhome instead of a one and one apartment. When you told him it was a bit expensive, he said it was perfect because he wanted you to have your own space at home to study for school without being bothered by him. You cried right there and he handled it like a champ. The two of you moved in a week before you started school.

“Wakatoshi!” you called to him from the rooftop terrace. He appeared, sticking his head out from the sliding glass door. You wiped your cheek, smudging dirt across your face. “Can you help me move this bag?”

He slipped on his outdoor shoes and walked over, lifting the bag of dirt and moving it to one of the two raised garden beds that he built earlier today. The two of you had plans for a small vegetable garden. “I thought we were going to plant seeds after lunch. I’m almost done cooking.”

“I know, I just got really excited. I was staring at your beautiful work and couldn’t help myself,” you cooed, giving him starry eyes.

Sighing, he set the bag down where you needed it before taking your hand and dragging you back inside. “We’ll do this after lunch. Together.”

“Aw, are you jealous I tried to start before you?” He didn’t say anything in response, making you grin. “My handsome farmer, I’m so sorry.”

After lunch, the two of you filled the garden beds with dirt and carefully planted seeds for carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, peas, basil, parsley, rosemary, thyme, marigolds, lavender, and scarlet plume celosia. Ushijima had done quite a bit of research on complimentary plants. Hours really. Hours spent doing online research and drawing diagrams of how the garden should be set up for its fullest potential.

You were watering one of the garden beds when you caught a glimpse of Ushijima squatting with a spade in his hand. It was so cute how concentrated he was and how much attention he was giving this simple task. Biting your lip, you sprayed him briefly. He blinked, as if not comprehending what happened and looked up, as if blaming the sky. A muffled laugh escaped you. You went back to watering the garden bed as he went inside. Minutes later you heard the glass door slide open and didn’t pay much mind to it. Suddenly you felt chilled and were thoroughly soaked. Moving your hair from your eyes, you looked up to see your boyfriend holding a bucket over your head.

“Wakatoshi!”

Soon you were off to university, moving into a small dorm room with a single suitcase. Your dorm was littered with photographs of you and Ushijima and it was hard to cope with the fact that you wouldn’t see him through at least the rest of summer, maybe not even until the end of September if your school’s track team did well.

For a month you and Ushijima would call or FaceTime every night and tell each other about your days. He was quite proud of the garden the both of you planted and would send you progress photos and then describe what he saw in fine detail. Honestly, you didn’t realize your boyfriend was capable of being so invested in something other than volleyball. There were a few times you tried spicing up your phone calls, but honestly Ushijima didn’t get it. He was terrible at phone sex. It was fine though. Summer break was.... just a few months away.

It was a Saturday night after track practice when you got a phone call from your boyfriend.

“Wakatoshi! You’re calling early. I haven’t gotten back to my dorm yet,” you spoke, excited to hear from him.

“(Y/N), I’m lost.”

Your brows raised in surprise. “Lost, how? Do you need me to look up how to fix something?”

“No, I’m somewhere on your university’s campus.”

You felt your heart skip and you immediately ran toward main campus. “Okay well tell me what you see.”

In thirty minutes you were in your dorm taking a shower and Ushijima was reading the newest shonen jump he picked up at the train station on your bedroom floor. You came out with your hair in a towel and one of Ushijima’s t-shirts you had stolen. He set aside his magazine and pulled you down into his lap, holding you tight.

“I’m so surprised you came. I’m so happy,” you squealed, burying your face into his neck and running your fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too. I can stay for two days, but then I must go home.”

Pulling back, you let your fingers run over the stubble on his jaw, pouting a bit, “So what do I owe this short visit?”

His stare was intense and a faint blush kissed his cheeks. “I recognize that a few times you’ve tried to... initiate some things on the phone. I admit I’m not very good at it, so hopefully my presence now can make up for my... lack of experience.”

“Wakatoshi,” you breathed out in surprise, gazing at him with so much love. He literally traveled almost three hours because you were horny without him. Pulling the towel from your hair, you knocked him over onto his back as you jumped him.

Visits like these happened sporadically and soon it was fall. Track and field season was over which meant you could make your weekend visits home to Oita. You’d leave Wednesday nights and head back to school on Sunday mornings. Despite the second bedroom serving as a private study for you, you found yourself curling up to Ushijima almost always - as long as he wasn’t busy.

This was life for a couple of years. The two of you had become quite the duo. In fact, throughout your relationship, you had only argued about two things:

You broke your phone once and he wasn’t able to contact you and he freaked out from not knowing what was going on.

He forgot your anniversary and cancelled on your date for volleyball and you laid in on him for it.

Things were great until the 2016 Olympic qualifiers came around. You had broken a metatarsal in your right foot at the first qualifying meet of the 2015 season. You were out for the next eight weeks and even then, you weren’t going to be in shape to qualify because you had to go through physical therapy and get your athletic abilities up to par. Your coach told you that staying on the national team, going pro, and qualifying for 2020 was still possible for you. It didn’t stop the feeling of complete and total devastation that wrecked you and you were jealous.

Ushijima wasn’t sure of how to help you; he’d never seen you so vulnerable before, never seen you so sad, but he did his best to support you, even if that meant being a punching bag. He was consistent, despite things he had going on for his own Olympic goals.

After two months it was summer break. You had to go through physical therapy and you moved back home to Oita, transitioning to online classes for the second term of the year. Because Ushijima’s love language was different from most, you found yourself being forced to do your PT homework exercises, no matter how down and bratty you got.

“Wakatoshi, I don’t want to do stairs,” you groaned, curling up into a ball on the couch.

“You must, or you won’t be ready to start training any time soon,” he replied simply.

Your foot was throbbing and you were on your period, and everything just felt like shit. All you wanted was to watch anime and eat the small bag of chips you had hidden under the blanket you were under. Ushijima had been so strict with your diet and honestly all you wanted were trans fats, sugar, and carbs. With ease, he ripped the blanket from you, exposing you in your underwear clutching a bag of Calbee honey butter flavored potato chips.

“You should get up and walk the stairs now,” he said, prying the bag of chips from your hands, “if you want these back.”

Throwing your legs over the couch, you winced, balling your hands into fists in frustration. You got up, favoring your left foot, which he noticed. He walked up the stairs and sat on the top step, waiting for you to follow. Biting your lip, you moved slowly, trying to ignore the pain. There were 14 steps to the top and you had to go up twice and down twice. You were doing fine until your second trek up the stairs. It was a misstep and you slipped and you were clinging to the stair case, crying. It was embarrassing for you to be like this in front of him. This sweet giant quickly enveloped you in his arms and had you lying on your side of the bed, gently caressing your foot as you sobbed through it.

When you were calm again, Ushijima left for a while before returning, dinner in hand. The two of you sat in bed and had the meal he made in silence. You’d barely eaten, but you waited until he finished before you curled up to his side.

“I’m so sorry, Wakatoshi.”

“I would be surprised it you took this easily. You’re a competitive person. It’s one of the things I find attractive about you,” he replied. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, his fingers gently running up and down along your own arm.

“Really?” you asked, feeling shy. He hummed in affirmation, glancing down to make eye contact. Smiling, you played with the hem of his shirt that was beginning to ride up. “What else do you... find attractive about me?”

“You’re thoughtful, kind. The way you pursue your passions and you’ve encouraged me to pursue my own; you believe in people wholeheartedly.” A thoughtful expression settled on his face as he spoke on effortlessly. He paused and his brows furrowed briefly before settling into a relaxed expression. “You’re beautiful.”

Placing a kiss to your forehead, you watched as he got up and headed to take his evening shower.

While you couldn’t compete, you concentrated on therapy and school and finished your courses early for your degree. You picked up a simple class to stay enrolled until your four years at school were up*, this way you could go back to competing your last year of university. The summer of 2016, Ushijima took you with him to Brazil. Japan didn’t win, but the competition was incredible. You got to meet with track and field athletes and it reignited your passion for competition.

You’d graduate come spring and then your focus was on 2020 Tokyo.

-

*In Japan, early graduation doesn’t exist. It was explained to me that if you attend a 4 year university, you have to be a student for 4 years before graduating, even if you complete your degree early.

tag list: @hihiq​

#Ushijima Wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #shiratorizawa #my senpai #haikyuu!! #haikyu #haikyū!! #reader insert #imagine #fanfic #volleyboys

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Wherever They May Roam: Cliff Burton

Cliff Burton was born on February 14th,1962 in Castro Valley, California located just outside of San Francisco. He was first introduced to music by his father, who showed him the classical genre leading to Burton taking piano lessons. He began playing bass guitar at 13 following the death of his older brother. He was quoted by his parents as saying, "I'm going to be the best bassist for my brother." Cliff would practice up to six hours a day with a variety of influences including rock, jazz, metal, country, and blues. His musical heroes included Geddy Lee, Geezer Butler, Lenny Kilmister, and others. In high school, he helped form his first band called EZ- Street, which took its name from a local topless bar. Members of this group included Jim Martin of Faith No More and Mike Bordin of Ozzy Osbourne. The three would go on to form a follow up band when they started attending Chabot College in Hayward, California called Agents of Misfortune. They would enter a local battle of the bands competition in 1981, which includes the earliest footage of him playing live. Two Metallica songs emerged from this time including “(Anesthesia)- Pulling Teeth” and the introduction “For Whom the Bells Toll.” In 1982, Burton joined his first major band called Trauma. That same year they traveled to Los Angeles to play the Whiskey a Go-Go, where Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield were in the audience. The duo had heard this amazing solo, which they thought had been played by the lead guitarist, but it was actually Burton. They immediately sought him out to recruit him as a replacement for their recently departed bass player in Metallica. He initially agreed to join the band because he felt that his current group was getting a little too commercial. The only issue emerged with his reluctance to move from San Francisco to Los Angeles. The other members of Metallica agreed to relocate to San Francisco partially because they really wanted him to be in the band. Please note that it was not the entire reason they had decided to move north because the hair metal scene also had something to do with it at that time. He would play on one of the first demos made by the band for Megaforce Records just before they recorded Kill ‘Em All. The band’s debut album featured Burton playing his “(Anesthesia)- Pulling Teeth” solo, which featured wah wah effects on his bass guitar using pedals that were not being utilized at all in metal music. The band had intended the title of the album to come from one of their earliest demos, Metal Up Your Ass. The record company did not like the title, so Metallica had to come up with a new name. Upon learning of the record company’s rejection, Burton said, “We should just kill ‘em all, man.” The other members in the group thought that it would make for a great record title. With Metallica’s second album, Ride the Lightning, he showed his developing songwriting talent by being credited on six of the eight tracks. Another song that he left his signature on came in “The Call of Ktulu.” He also contributed greatly to the third album, Master of Puppets, which is considered by many to be one of the most important heavy metal albums of all time because it brought the genre into the mainstream. This album included his favorite Metallica song, “Master of Puppets.” Sadly, this would be the last album he would play on following his tragic death in 1986 as the band was on tour in Sweden as part of the Damage Inc. tour to promote Master of Puppets.

During the European leg of that tour, members of Metallica had complained that the sleeping arrangements on their bus were far from ideal, but actually quite uncomfortable. The band members would play card games to decide who would get first choice of bunk beds, so on September 26,1986 Burden won first choice by selecting the ace of spades over Kirk Hammett. The bass player wanted the latter’s bed as Hammett recalls agreeing to it commenting that he would get more sleep at the front of the bus anyway. The following morning around 7 AM, the bus skidded off the road in Ljungby, Sweden causing Burton asleep at the time to fall out the window. The bus then rolled over and fell on top of him killing the guitarist. The bus driver would later claim that he hit a patch of black ice causing the bus to skid. James Hetfield is quoted as saying they walked up and down that road looking for any sign of ice, but they found none. He believed that the driver was covering for the fact that he had been intoxicated at the time. A local freelance photographer would film the tragic scene, and he was asked about any chance of icy conditions. He would also say that there was no way any ice could be found on the road because the conditions were dry and the temperature was well above freezing. Following the police investigation, authorities found no evidence to indicate any icy conditions, but their conclusion was it followed previous accidents when a driver falls asleep at the wheel. Yet, the driver testified that he had been fully rested at the time of the crash. He was later cleared of any fault in a local court. Cliff Burton’s body was flown back to California, where he was cremated, having his ashes spread at Maxwell Ranch in Alameda County, California. The band would pay tribute to him on their next album And Justice For All...with the track, “To Live Is To Die.” He was even given a partial songwriting credit in the liner notes. Former bandmate Dave Mustaine, who now led Megadeth, wrote a song entitled “In My Darkest Hour” when he first heard of his friend’s passing. The lyrics are not related to his death, but he did say in an interview that it was written in one sitting after hearing the news. In October 2006, a memorial stone was put in near the site of the crash to commemorate his death with lyrics from “To Live Is To Die:” “...cannot the Kingdom of Salvation take me home.” The band Anthrax would dedicate their album Among The Living to him. In 2009, Burton would be inducted posthumously with other members of Metallica into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

[jaya-and-camryn]

Tykey (Family Holiday Pt 1)

"The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh, on the last day of September!" Ruby's voice warbled throughout the car. She was sitting in the middle of the back seat, next to her little sister, trying her best to make her smile. 

"I thought the line was 'on the first day of September', not the last?" Ruby's girlfriend, Kori, piped up. She sat on Ruby's other side and had watched this whole display, smirking at the two sisters. 

"It's a nursery rhyme, the lyrics are what you want them to be," Ruby said with a shrug, turning to face her parents. "Right mum?" 

"It's true, I've sung countless different versions over the years," Jaya called back from the driver's seat. 

"Well, it doesn't seem to matter to Megan. She's still looking a bit grumpy." Kori replied, gesturing to the toddler in her car seat. Ruby's singing had managed to stop the tears that had flown earlier, but she still seemed unhappy to be in the car. 

"That's because you're not singing her favourite one." Camryn looked up from the map she was reading and turned to Jaya with a grin. "Want to do the honours?" 

Jaya grinned back, took a deep breath, and started singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round!" 

"Round and round, round and round!" Camryn, Ruby, and Kori sang back in response. 

"The wheels on the bus go round and round!" Jaya continued. 

"All day long!" Ruby and Kori finished, bursting into laughter. 

Megan giggled and clapped her hands. "wound and wound, wound and wound!!" she sang with glee. Jaya turned to the girls in the back seat for a second with a smug smile on her face. 

"You're welcome." She said sweetly, before turning back to focus on the road. The car rolled to a stop, and Megan, noticing this, began laughing again.

“I can see the sea, I can see the sea!” Everyone turned to look out of their windows, and the car went silent again. Kori leaned over to her girlfriend and whispered,

“Should we tell her that’s just a big river?” Ruby gave her sister a small smile and turned to her mothers for help.

“Nearly there, sweetheart. Just a little bit longer.” Camryn turned around in her seat and lightly squeezed Megan’s hand. “We’re just stuck in a bit of traffic, that’s all.” 

Jaya stared at the sea of cars in front of her and frowned. “Stuck is right, it doesn’t look like anyone will be moving for a while.”

Turning back around, Camryn began digging through the bag on the floor in front of her. “Luckily for us, we came prepared!” She said, pulling out a pack of double chocolate cookies. Ruby and Kori broke into cheers, and Jaya looked at her wife with a smirk.

“I wonder how those got in there,” she said with a laugh.

“You know, I have no idea,” Camryn replied, flashing an innocent smile, before passing the cookies around. Ruby took three and broke one in half before passing it over to her little sister. Megan grabbed the cookie and began happily stuffing her face, smiling widely as she did so. 

Nibbling at her cookie, Kori took her book out of her bag. Opening it to the marked page, she turned it towards Ruby so she could see. “Okay, so to recap. This is where we’re going.” Kori pointed to a picture of a village in the book with an excited look on her face.

“That is correct.” Ruby smiled.

“And this.” Kori turned a page and pointed to a picture of the legendary King Arthur. “Is the adventure we’re gonna go on. Tintagel has so much King Arthur stuff it’s insane!” Kori continued, her smile getting bigger with every word. She had been looking forward to this trip since Ruby first brought it up, and was ecstatic she was invited along. King Arthur was her favourite legend, and visiting one of the towns associated with him was a dream come true. 

“Legend has it that he buried his most valuable treasure somewhere in Tintagel, and we’re going to find it!” She finished, pumping her fist slightly in the air.

“Hell yeah, we are!” Ruby replied, and the two high fived. "We're gonna find that treasure, make you famous, and then use your fame to stick it to every shit head at school!" 

"Ruby! Not in front of your sister, please?" Jaya called from the front seat. 

"Sorry, mum!" Ruby called back, before turning to Megan. "We're gonna stick it to every silly head in school aren't we Meg?" she said, booping Megan lightly on the nose. 

"All the silly heads!" Megan squealed back, giggling. Jaya gave a small sigh of relief when suddenly the traffic began to move again. 

"Hey, looks like we'll get there before dinner after all!" she said, giving a final glance at the backseat. The girls cheered, and the family began the final leg of their journey. 

After another hour of driving, they had finally reached Tintagel. Hopping out of the car, Ruby and Kori stretched slightly, before turning to look at their house. Jaya and Camryn had rented a small cottage just outside of the village, meaning they could enjoy their evenings away from the crowds of tourists that visited the village every year.

“Aww, it looks so much cuter in person!” Ruby said, squealing with excitement.

"It really does! Like one of those houses you read about in books!" Kori chimed in, and grabbing each other's hands, they took off towards the front door. 

Jaya got out of her seat and opened Megan's car door. The toddler reached her arms up and smiled. "Mummy, Mummy, I love you!" she giggled, and once picked up, wrapped her arms around Jaya's neck, pulling her into a tight hug. 

"Love you too sweetie." Jaya laughed, hugging Megan back. "Right, shall we go inside and find Tyke?" 

Megan clapped her hands and squealed, "Tykey, Tykey, yay!". She shifted in Jaya's arms and began reaching out towards the house. Camryn looked up from where she was taking the suitcase out of the car and laughed.

“I think that’s a yes!” She said, walking over and lightly kissing Megan’s cheek, making her giggle again. As she went to do the same to Jaya, Megan grabbed on to both of them and pulled them into another hug. 

Watching her family from where she stood in the doorway, Ruby turned to her girlfriend and smiled. “They’re gonna be there a while. Help me with the bags?”

“Sure.” Kori laughed in response, and the two made their way over to the abandoned suitcase. 

Once everything had been moved inside and unpacked, everyone began to settle into their evening routine. The family had dinner together, watched films and playing games, and by the time the night was over, the cottage felt like home.

***

The next morning, they all made their way to the beach at the edge of the village. Camryn had suggested going early to beat the crowds, and once there immediately began looking for the perfect spot. She surveyed the beach, stopping occasionally to inspect the sand, or to look out towards the sea. After about five minutes of this, Ruby dropped her beach bag into the sand rolled her eyes.

“Mum, come on! You do this every time!” She groaned. Camryn gave her a sly smile.

“Yes, but I do all of this for a reason, you know.”

“And that reason is?” Ruby smiled.

“Science, of course!” Camryn waved her arms in the air. “I’ve spent years trying to create the ultimate beach experience, and it all starts with the perfect spot. As you can see,” She said, guiding the girls through the patch of sand she had acquired. “There’s enough room here for all of us to sunbathe, build sandcastles, the good kind with moats, or even kick the beach ball around! Not to mention,” She gestured towards the sea. “If you girls want to go paddling, we’ll be able to keep an eye on you without anyone blocking our way!” Camryn finished with a triumphant look on her face.

“You picked a good one this time Cammie,” Jaya said, smiling up at her wife as she lay down the beach towels, “This could be your best find yet.”

“Could, being the important word there,” Camryn replied. “We’re going to have to test the sand out to be sure."

“How do we do that?” Kori asked with a confused look. Jaya and Camryn shared a smile, and Camryn reached into the beach bag and pulled out a large bucket and spade.

“Want to help me build a sandcastle?” She asked, and Kori’s eyes lit up at the words.

“Oh my gosh yes! I haven’t built one in years!” She practically screamed, making Camryn almost drop the spade.

“Wait, you haven’t built a sandcastle in years? What do you do when you’re at the beach?!” Camryn looked at Kori as if she’d just said she was an alien from another world.

“My family and I don’t really do beach holidays much. We usually go to cities and do stuff like museums.” Kori said with a shrug. Camryn’s face went from confusion, to pity, to determination all in the few seconds Kori had spoken. She walked over and gently placed a hand on Kori’s shoulder.

“Well then let’s build you the best castle you’ve ever seen!” She said with a smile, and with a cheer from the girls, the three of them ran off further down the beach to begin their big build.

Jaya and Megan, meanwhile, watched from where they sat with the bags. Jaya got out some homework she needed to finish marking before the new term started, and Megan sat by her, cuddling Tykey. Tykey was a wooden pull along triceratops Jaya had bought when Megan first learned how to walk. It was love at first sight, and even after almost a year, wherever Megan went, Tykey followed. As Jaya worked, she looked up every now and then to check up on Megan, and to watch the progress of Camryn’s sandcastle course.

“Mummy, mummy!” Megan shouted, breaking the silence. Jaya looked up with a jolt.

“What’s up, sweetie?” She asked, but noticed Megan wasn’t talking to her. Instead, Megan was looking across the beach and reaching out towards Camryn, who had begun taking the girls to the sea to collect water for their castle’s moat. “Don’t worry, mummy will be back in a bit,” Jaya said sweetly, putting down her papers and gently rubbing Megan’s back. 

“Want mummy!” Megan whimpered, and she folded her arms across her face. Jaya laughed slightly at the toddler’s exaggerated expressions.

“Well good news grumpy pants, it looks like she’s on her way back!” Jaya gave Megan a cuddle and kissed her cheek. “Want to go meet her?” Megan burst into laughter as Jaya kissed her, and began wriggling out of her mother’s arms. As soon as Camryn was close enough to see, Jaya let go, and Megan took off, clumsily running across the sand to get to her mother and sister.

“Mummy mummy mummy mummy!” She shouted as she ran, dragging Tyke along with her. Camryn looked up at the sound of her daughter’s voice and smiled when she saw her almost sprinting across the beach towards her. /just before they reached each other, she put down her bucket of water, knelt down and opened her arms to greet Megan.

Megan dropped Tyke, crashed into Camryn’s arms, and squeezed her as hard as she could.

“Hey, hun!” Camryn laughed, gently squeezing her back. “What’s up? Did you miss me that much?”

“Don’t go away!” Megan whimpered again, tears forming in her eyes. Camryn’s face filled with concern.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” She picked up Megan and began carrying her back to the bags, where she could see Jaya waiting for them. As she did so, she turned to Ruby and Kori.

“I’m going to sit with Megan for a while, can I count on you two to finish the castle?” She said as Megan buried her face even more into her chest. 

“No problem! We’ll call you when it’s done.” Kori replied. The girls high-fived and made their way back to the sandcastle. Camryn walked over to Jaya, and the two cuddled up on the blankets with Megan squished between them.

Once the castle had been completed and gone through its first photoshoot, courtesy of Ruby’s new camera, the family sat down for lunch, and the rest of the day was spent relaxing in the sand and swimming in the sea. Megan refused to let go of Camryn for most of the afternoon, causing Jaya and Carmyn to become concerned. 

That evening, after Megan had been put to bed, Jaya stood in the living room doorway and motioned for Camryn to join her in the kitchen. Ruby and Kori were starting to fall asleep where they sat cuddled on the sofa, going over their plans for tomorrow. Speaking in a hushed voice, Jaya said,

“I’m worried about Megan. What happened today-”

“I know.” Camryn cut in, putting an arm around Jaya. “It’s never been that bad before.”

“This can’t happen right now, not with nursery coming up. I thought we were working on her attachment issues, she seemed better.” Jaya was looking more worried by the second.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. I’m sure I was pretty hard to see that far down the beach, it makes sense that she got worried.” Camryn reassured her.

“Yeah for two minutes, what happens when I drop her off in a room full of strangers for 3 hours?”

“Well you’ll be teaching in the main building nearby, won’t you? If things get really bad you’re less than 2 minutes away. Besides, the room may have strangers, but it also has a fuck ton of toys. She’ll be in heaven.” Camryn finished, and the two of them laughed. Jaya took a deep breath and smiled.

“You’re right, she’ll be okay. And hey, at least she’ll have-”

“TYKEY!” Megan screamed from upstairs. Ruby and Kori jolted awake, while Jaya and Camryn raced up the stairs to Megan’s bedroom. Opening the door, they saw Megan sitting up in her bed, tears rolling down her face. 

“Mummy, Tykey’s gone!” She wailed, before sobbing loudly. 

“It’s okay, sweetie, I’m sure he just fell out of bed,” Jaya said gently, sitting on the bed with Megan, and pulled the toddler into her arms.

“Yeah, and then he got up and walked away,” Camryn muttered quietly, as she searched under the bed.

“What do you mean?” Jaya whispered back, confused.

“He’s not anywhere near the bed. Are you sure you brought him up?” Camryn whispered back, getting back on her feet.

“Yeah, I always do. Or… wait did I?” Jaya thought back to when she put Megan down for the night. She was sure she had done everything she did every night. Pyjamas, teeth, Tykey, story, song, sleep. That was the routine she and Megan had made together over the years. Come to think of it, did she have Tyke with her earlier? She couldn’t remember him being in the bed, and Megan had seemed so tired she hadn’t noticed either.

“Wait,” Jaya said, still processing the situation. “If he isn’t in the room, then where did we leave him?” Camryn gave a shrug and went back downstairs. As she entered the living room, she saw Ruby and Kori waiting, their faces filled with worry.

“Tykey’s done a runner, we can’t seem to find him in your sister’s room, so we need your help looking for him,” Camryn said, and with that the girls jumped off the sofa, standing to attention.

“Where do we start?” Ruby asked.

“Okay I need one of you to check the car, and the other to look in here, under all of the chairs, that sort of thing.”

“I’ll check the car!” Kori said, grabbing the keys from the side table and heading out the door.

“And I’ll grab my phone to look under the chairs,” Ruby added.

“Awesome, I’m going to check the bags.” Camryn smiled.

“I’m going to check the kitchen,” Jaya said, walking into the living room. She was starting to look exhausted. “Megan clocked out again after she finished crying, so I’ve left her tucked in bed. I looked in all the rooms upstairs as well, he’s nowhere to be found.” Everyone got to work, and after 20 minutes of searching, the house looked thoroughly ransacked.

“Kitchen’s clear.” Jaya called, “How are you guys doing?”

“He wasn’t in the car, and we’re not having much luck here either,” Kori said from the living room.

"Uh, J?" Camryn called slowly. "Tyke isn't in here. Or any of the bags…"

Jaya's tired eyes grew with mild panic as the realisation set in. "Oh fuck." Megan let out another cry. 

"I'll go," Camryn said softly, putting a hand on Jaya's shoulder. "You try and get some rest." Jaya smiled, mouthed a thank you, and began making her way up the stairs. Camryn watched her go before turning to the girls. 

"Bedtime for you guys as well, you both look shattered." Ruby and Kori looked at each other before nodding and headed towards their room. 

Finally, Camryn followed them all upstairs, and gently opened the door to Megan's room. The toddler had tired herself out and was on the verge of falling asleep again. 

"Want Tykey." She whimpered once Camryn had entered the room.

"I know you do sweetie," Camryn said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "But it looks like Tykey's gone on an adventure by himself. We'll go look for him tomorrow, but until then I'm going to need you to be a big girl and sleep without him tonight. Can you do that for me?" She pulled Megan into a tight hug. 

"Okay mummy…" Megan said between whimpers, clinging onto Camryn as much as she could. They sat there cuddled on the bed, and after about an hour, Camryn felt Megan finally drift off to sleep. Being careful not to wake her, Camryn placed the toddler back in her bed, tucked her in, and tiptoed out of the room, towards her own.

***

The next morning Ruby and Kori once again found themselves on the beach just outside of Tintagel. Megan had spent the night constantly waking up and crying because she didn’t have Tykey with her, wearing herself out, falling back asleep for an hour or so, and then waking up and repeating the cycle. As a result, the rest of the family had taken turns sitting with her until she calmed herself down, which meant none of them had gotten a proper night's sleep. 

Around the 3am mark, Jaya had suggested they make a game plan for finding Tykey. They had decided that they would split off into groups; Jaya and Camryn would take Megan shopping in the village, and see if they could find a new Tykey who could at least help Megan sleep at night, whilst Ruby and Kori would search for the real one. The girls retraced their steps and came to the conclusion that the only place Megan could have lost Tykey was while they were at the beach.

“You know, come to think of it,” Kori called across to her girlfriend as she searched through the bushes and small dunes near the edge of the beach. “I’m pretty sure I saw Megan drop Tykey when she came running at us after we’d gone to collect moat water. Did she ever pick him back up?” Ruby looked up from the rock pools she was looking in and thought for a second.

“Honestly? I don’t know.” She said with a shrug. “Though thinking about it, I don’t remember her having him at any other point in the day. But at the same time, she has him with her so much none of us really think about it any more. We just kind of assume he’s there.” 

“I’m guessing that rule applies to Megan too.” Kori said with a laugh “It took her all day to realise he was even gone.”

“That happens more often than you think.” Ruby laughed, “Most days she’ll leave him somewhere in the flat, and then a few hours later realise he isn’t still under her arms like he was earlier.” 

Kori laughed and carried on her search. Ruby looked over at her with a worried look. She took a deep breath and made her way over to where Kori was still looking through the bushes, humming a random song as she went.

“Hey…” Ruby placed a hand on Kori’s shoulder, getting her attention. Kori looked up and saw Ruby was avoiding her eyes and had a guilty look on her face.

“What’s up?” Kori stood up, giving Ruby’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry we’re not looking for King Arthur’s treasure right now. I know how important that was to you.” Ruby said, disappointment in her voice.  

“Hey, family comes first, you know that,” Kori said with a serious tone, lifting Ruby’s face to look at her. Ruby smiled,

“You’re my family too.” She said, leaning in to give Kori a kiss. When they parted, Kori’s cheeks were bright red, and the two giggled. 

“I love you too, but right now your sister’s happiness, and our sleep patterns, are on the line.” Kori said with a smile, “We’re here for a week. The sooner we find Tykey, the more time we have for other stuff.”

“Okay,” Ruby said with renewed determination. “In that case, we should probably start looking in the sea. Chances are Tyke got caught up with the tide and is sitting on the seabed somewhere.”

“Ooh, good thinking!” Kori’s eyes lit up. “I think the beach shop in the village sells swimming goggles and cheap scuba masks we can use to look!”

“Awesome!” Ruby replied. The pair high fived and ran back towards the village.

Meanwhile, in the local toy shop, Jaya, Camryn, and Megan were still searching for another Tykey.

“Where did you say you got the first one from again, J?” Camryn asked her wife, who was looking at a shelf of pull-along ducks.

“I don’t know, it was this old toy shop somewhere in London. I was teaching a piano lesson nearby and on my way back to the tube station I saw Tyke sitting in the window,” she said, turning to face Camryn. “Besides, that was years ago now, who knows if they even make them anymore.” 

“What kind of toy was he?” The clerk at the till chimed in. She was a kind-looking elderly lady and had greeted them with a smile and a wave when they had first entered the shop. “Sorry, I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I thought I might be able to help. I’ve owned this shop for almost twenty years now, and I have three children of my own, so I know a thing or two about toys,” she said with a smile. Jaya looked over at Camryn, who gave a small shrug, and a look of encouragement. Jaya smiled and turned back to the woman at the counter.

“We’re looking for a wooden pull-along triceratops. Ours was blue, with a white horn. Any chance you know it?” The lady thought for a moment before answering.

“Can’t say I’ve seen one like that. We get all the newest toys here, and all the pull-along dinosaurs we’ve ever gotten have been T-Rex’s.” She said apologetically.

“Oh, he definitely wasn’t new when I bought him. Even back then he looked quite worn and used. Nowhere near as much as he did nowadays,” Jaya said with a small laugh. “Then again I think most of the toys in that shop looked like that. It was probably a vintage toy store.”

“Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so!” The elderly woman said with a laugh, “If it’s a vintage toy you’re after, you should head across the street to the toy museum. If anyone will know anything about it it’s them!” Jaya’s eyes lit up at her words.

“Thank you so much, we’ll head straight there! You ready Megan?” She picked up the toddler, who had gotten distracted by the toys surrounding her, and with Camryn in tow, the three of them made their way to the museum.

Once inside, they looked around them in awe. The walls were filled with hundreds of different toys and collectables, both on display for the museum, and on sale in the shop. Camryn turned to look at Jaya.

“I take back what I said about nursery. This is Megan’s idea of heaven!” Just as she had said her name, Megan began trying to wriggle free of Jaya’s hand, reaching out towards the shelves of toys for sale.

“Mummy, look! Want to go look!” She said, pulling harder.

“Okay, okay, let’s go!” Jaya said with a laugh. “You okay to ask about Tyke?” she added, turning back to Camryn.

“Yeah, of course!” Camryn said with a smile and made her way over to the counter, where a middle-aged man was selling some old toy cars to a family. Once they had left, Camryn approached the man with her friendliest smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could help me. My daughter lost her favourite toy yesterday, and my wife and I are trying to find a new one for her. Problem is we think it’s either pretty old, or rare, or maybe even both.” The man smiled back at her 

“No problem, this happens all the time. Let me guess, the woman from the toy shop across the street sent you?” He replied with a laugh. “She does that a lot, thinks I’m some toy expert just because I’m a collector. But I’ll do my best. What kind of toy are you after?”

Camryn described Tyke, right down to the little details, and told him the story of how Jaya came to find him one day in London. “And since then Megan, my daughter, has gotten so attached to him that she can’t sleep properly without him. In other words, we’re pretty desperate.” She finished with an awkward laugh. The man at the counter looked mildly confused for a split second, before answering.

“Well, I can tell you right away that we don’t have anything like that here. I don’t think I’ve heard of a toy like that, but you might have more luck looking on something like eBay. I can load it up now if you like?” He said, gesturing to the computer next to him. Camryn’s face fell slightly. 

“Thanks, but don’t worry about it. I’ll have a look when we get back h-” Suddenly a small shriek of excitement filled the small shop. Jaya popped her head up from where she stood between the shelves with a smirk on her face.

“I think you might want to come see this Cammie,”.

***

The door to the cottage opened, and Ruby and Kori trudged through it carrying scuba masks, both looking exhausted. Their jeans were splashed with seawater, and their hair was soaked through.

“Hey girls!” Jaya called from the kitchen table, where she and Camryn sat drinking tea. “How was the search?” The girls looked over at her with their tried eyes.

“I mean we didn’t find him and our clothes are cold and wet, so I’d say it didn’t go too great,” Ruby said grumpily. It was then that she noticed how calm and peaceful the house was. “Wait, it’s quiet in here.”

“Too quiet,” Kori added in suspiciously. She looked over at Jaya and Camryn, a hopeful look on her face. “Does that mean you found him??”

Camryn took a sip from her mug, “Go and see for yourselves.” she said, gesturing upstairs. Ruby and Kori took off up the stairs, and gently opened Megan’s door. Inside, they found the toddler snuggled up in bed, her arms around a toy. The toy in question, however, wasn’t Tyke. Instead, Megan was cuddling a blue plush T-Rex. The girls looked at each other in confusion, closed Megan’s door again, and made their way back to the kitchen. 

“I know I haven’t seen him in a day or so, but that didn’t look like Tykey,” Kori said when they were back with Jaya and Camryn.

“Yeah, that’s Tykey 2.0,” Camryn said with a laugh.

“Megan found him at the toy museum, she screamed bloody murder when she saw him,” Jaya added.

“So she moved on, just like that?” Ruby asked, still confused. “And we spent all afternoon searching the seabed for nothing?”

“She’s 2, of course she found something new so quickly!” Camryn replied, still laughing. “I wouldn’t say she’s moved on though, just enough that we can all sleep soundly tonight.”

“As for you girls searching, it does look like it was a wasted journey, sorry,” Jaya said with a sympathetic smile. “How about we get some chips for tea, as a thank you?” Ruby and Kori’s faces lit up at this, and they gave a cheer.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jaya said with a laugh. She got up from her chair and grabbed her purse. “Alright, who wants what?” 

“It’s okay mum, we’ll go get them!” Ruby volunteered.

“Yeah, so you can eat half of them on the way home!” Camryn muttered into her mug, arching a brow at the girls. 

Ruby and Kori took the orders, and without stopping to change their clothes, made their way back down the path towards the village.

“So…” Kori started, a smirk on her face. “Now that the Tykey thing has been sorted, I guess we should find something else to do this week.”

“And what did you have in mind?” Ruby smirked back.

“Oh, nothing much, just a little treasure hunt,” Kori said, putting an arm around Ruby’s shoulders. The two laughed, and walked off, hand in hand.

#jaya and camryn #jaya lohkta #camryn lowe #ruby lohkta #megan lowe #kori reeves

[karasunonolibero]

2019 writing self-evaluation

so i did this over on my main last year, and since i had what i felt was a productive year, i wanted to do it here! i’ve included all works, from every fandom i wrote for, so there’s definitely a variety but also a clear distinction of when i stopped writing 1d and started writing for haikyuu, heh. anyway, i’m proud of all the work i’ve done this year, so here’s to 2020!

ALL FICS MUST HAVE POSTED ON AO3 IN 2019

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 50

2. Word count posted for the year: 147,038

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

two loves have i (5 january)

it’s only your imagination again (25 january)

the pain’s only temporary (8 february)

blow a kiss, fire a gun (9 may)

waiting to be found (14 may)

a swim with a shark (6 june)

sweet and lowdown (19 june)

one more time as if we planned it (24 june)

always be my thunder (23 july)

will your mouth read this truth (30 july)

tumblr drabbles & prompts (last updated 3 august)

I’m on my way up (’cos you make me bliss out) (completed 4 august) (collab with Rider_Of_Spades on ao3)

even mountains crumble into the sea (7 august)

we’re on each other’s team (14 august)

dangerous, tainted, flawed (20 august)

life can do terrible things (25 august)

the night before life goes on (1 september)

when the letter says a soldier’s coming home (17 september)

when the air ran out (19 september)

something missing tonight (21 september)

built castles from sand (26 september)

underneath the stars we came alive (8 october)

sweet talk and sugar (10 october)

got my name on this treasure (11 october)

just a little taste, babe (14 october)

iwaoi horror week drabbles (completed 1 november)

don’t let the tide come (31 october)

daisuga week drabbles (completed 24 november)

how (not) to put on a condom (26 november)

taste the tension, now i’m begging (2 december)

kiss the boy (7 december)

till tonight do us part (11 december)

i wish i could be there now (13 december)

on our way to twenty-seven (15 december)

for the dream far away (24 december)

a collar full of chemistry (25 december)

fall down and commune with me (28 december)

a little of love’s electricity (31 december)

the city is at war (last updated 31 december)

4. Fandoms I wrote for: (stats pulled from the ao3 filter feature on my works)

haikyuu!! (41)

one direction (9)

the legend of zelda: breath of the wild (3)

all time low (1)

crystalline (1)

5. Pairings: (i didn’t count side or past pairings)

iwaizumi hajime/oikawa tooru (14)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi (13)

oikawa tooru/sugawara koushi (4)

azumane asahi/nishinoya yuu (3)

kuroo tetsurou/sawamura daichi (2)

kuroo tetsurou/yaku morisuke (1)

akaashi keiji/oikawa tooru (1)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

sawamura daichi/terushima yuuji (1)

sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

link/revali (1)

mipha/zelda (1)

louis tomlinson/harry styles (5)

louis tomlinson/zayn malik (1)

alex gaskarth/louis tomlinson (1)

liam payne/louis tomlinson (1)

zack spade/pixel fade (1)

6. Story with the most:

Kudos: two loves have i (275)

Bookmarks: two loves have i (34)

Comments: two loves have i (25)

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

on our way to twenty-seven! i was digging into some identity and sexuality issues that i myself have dealt with in the past and writing about it was the first time i’d really dove into some of that stuff, so i really enjoyed writing it and i think it’s some of my best.

i’m also really proud of i’m taking back the crown and i wish i could say why. i just really like the way it came out. writing oikawa as this desperate dethroned prince trying to reclaim his kingdom at any cost only to be beaten at his own game in his own home was just...ugh. it was so much fun to write.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

one more time as if we planned it, definitely. i just felt super rushed writing it. it was for the one direction rarepair fest, which was super fun, but i had Just finished a longer fic a few days before this one was due and i initially tried to drop out because i thought i wouldn’t be able to finish it, but i did, but i still feel like it’s rushed and just not as good as it could have been if i’d planned better and given it some more time.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

im gonna do what i did last year and post more than one, because 1. i can’t decide and 2. i quite honestly am pretty proud of a lot of what i wrote this year

from when the letter says a soldier’s coming home —

Tooru’s squealing somewhere behind them, and Hajime’s gruffly trying to get out the door, and he’ll have to call the school and make up something about being sick so he can spend the day catching up with Daichi, but it can wait. It can all wait. Because Koushi’s waited long enough. It’s about time the rest of the world waits for him.

from strawberries on a summer evening —

Suga hums against him, licking strawberry seeds from between Daichi’s teeth, like he’s just as intoxicated by Daichi as Daichi is with him. Daichi could live here, in this feeling, ignoring everything except how Suga sounds (like bliss personified), smells (like sunblock and sweat), tastes (like sugar and salt). He’s the hottest part of the summer, high noon in mid-August, just this side of too much to handle, but addicting in how it leaves you at its mercy.

from on our way to twenty-seven —

“Sorry, what was your name again?”

Tetsurou opens his mouth to say his American name, but he catches Daichi and Suga looking at him, and he swallows it down. “My name is Tetsurou. Tetsurou Kuroo.”

“I thought you wanted people to call you Tyler,” Timothy says.

Tetsurou shoots him a glare and says it again, feeling his confidence start to grow. “My name is Tetsurou Kuroo. Tetsu is fine, too, but I don’t go by Tyler anymore.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

any time tasteofsummersnow left me a comment, it made my heart go doki doki!! her comments are so in depth and so very sweet and it’s so much fun to see her real-time reactions to my writing. i go back and reread them like once a week they’re so nice ;_;

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

the spring/early summer in general was tough, like from march to june. i didn’t post anything between february and may, and i feel like i was struggling a lot creatively around like may/june of this year. i think it’s because a lot of stuff in the 1d fandom was really turning me off at the time and that’s when the burnout fully hit.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

definitely sugawara in the city is at war. i was writing that first chapter and initially i just wanted to see him step up when daichi wasn’t around but he very quickly turned sadistic and ruthless and scarily sharp, which is just so much fun to write him as. and his relationship with daichi is just—ugh. love that violence-fueled romance. they would kill a hundred men for each other and be turned on once they were finished.

honestly, all of the city is at war has surprised me. the idea came to me in a dream on a long bus ride, of all the clan leaders having a meeting and being attacked, and i woke up and banged it out in 36 hours. i meant it to be a oneshot but as i wrote it, i realized i loved the au so much there was no way i could leave it at that. so now it’s got a whole plot and all that. fun!

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

last year i said i felt i grew writing angst and exploring different emotional themes, and i think i built on that even more this year. i did a bunch of shorter pieces this year and i feel a lot of them really explored emotions and characters more than plot, and that’s been so much fun. and then as well, like i said before, i’ve branched out into the crime-action genre with the yakuza au. and! iwaoi horror week was my first real attempt at spooky/creepy/horror-type writing, and, it was a fun challenge for sure.

i also said i wanted to just keep writing and be spontaneous and i definitely did that this year. i posted so many fics not caring how long it had been since the last one—sometimes it was less a day. numbers stopped mattering to me. i posted just because i wanted to put my writing out there and share it with the world, knowing there had to be someone out there who’d like it.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

i feel like 2019 was a year of trying a lot of new things, so in 2020 i’m hoping to explore some different ships and tropes. the sheer number of characters and ships in haikyuu means there’s a ship for just about every trope and au out there, and i want to play around with some dynamics i’ve never written before.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

as always, a shoutout to the loggies, who have been a fantastic source of inspiration and support all year even after i retired from 1d fic. and i would also like to thank the people i met via various hq discord servers—you know who you are!! thank you for the sprints, the encouragement, the inspiration, and the friendship. as someone brand new to the fandom, the support and sense of community has been nothing short of amazing, and you guys are part of the reason i felt so comfortable in this fandom so quickly.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

actually, yeah. even mountains crumble into the sea was written the night before i broke up with my ex. i wrote it as an exercise to get all my feelings out, lay them all on the table where i could see them and pick through them, and then imagine the best possible way the scenario could go.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

honestly—just write! write what you’re happy with. write even if you don’t post it. write, because everything you do is practice that’ll help you improve.

and don’t be afraid to write out of order or write more than one project at a time. i know that won’t work for everyone, but for me, if i didn’t immediately write what was on my mind, i probably wouldn’t have posted half of what i did this year.

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

hey remember last year when i said i was gonna finish the breath of the wild au?? L M A O i’m really gonna finish it next year i swear!!

i have a fic posting in the spring for the nsfw big bang which i’m ALSO very excited about! i’m lucky to be working with such a talented artist and the end result is gonna be amazing and i’m so so excited.

i also want to keep going with the city is at war, because that plot was a pleasant surprise. and there’s an ever-growing list of fic ideas and aus that i’m so excited to write—some of them were originally for larry aus but i’ve repurposed them for haikyuu pairings and that’s helped breathe new life into some old ideas.

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

anyone who sees this and wants to do it! just tag me, i wanna read your answers!

#keely.exe #keely's writing tag

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #195

i’m fighting to stay up and see the blood moon but i am already ready to fail at 9:30 lmao.

What’s the first website you go to when you log onto the computer? Usually KM. Does your house/apartment have a bathtub or just showers? It's both. Where are your birthmarks? On my right forearm and the left side of my stomach. When’s the last time you found something unexpectedly? The closest occasion to come to mind was when I was inches from crawling into fox intestines... yeah. The grass was just high enough to hide them until I was RIGHT there. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy. What color was the last scarf you wore? Idr the last time I wore one. I never do. Is there at least one ex that you can still trust? Girt. Are there any celebrities who live fairly near you? Not to my knowledge, and it's very unlikely. Have you ever gotten love and infatuation confused? Maybe? When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? Months ago. Is there anything that you want to do, but you won’t do because you’re too afraid? Skydive. Who was the last person to yell at you? Mom. What’s the longest amount of time that you’ve spent away from your home? We were technically homeless from I think early February '17 to some time in April (we all "lived" with people I'm immensely thankful for), so that time. Did the last movie you watched have any emotional affect on you? No. What motivates you to go to school? I absolutely refuse to live my own independent life as I've known it so far with serious financial instability that, since being a teenager and truly understanding, has made me want to rip my hair out. Don't for a single moment be unappreciative of knowing you're having a home next month, a working car, insurance, and I'll just stop before this ruins my mood. When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? With certainty, Mom and Nicole, but that was months ago. Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? No, I like my bedroom, just not the fact how tiny it is. When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? My nephew's. Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think so. If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home usually? I'm not in that position now, but when I was in school, uh yeah, I begged Mom to let me stay home. Honestly I could just barely be feeling sick and I'd try to stay home. Yeah, I loved middle-high school. Shit, I think I gave Mom trouble in elementary, too. Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I wouldn't know, I don't like it. What’s one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? A meal, idk, and it also depends on what kind of sickness we're talking about... but with anything, I never eat much or anything heavy. Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No. Well, I don't really know if I count that impulsive "guess who's going to the ER again" shit, just because I don't remember if that was a motive to just ruin his day, and it also wasn't planned? But I know I intended it to hurt initially at least because I wanted to know he cared, so... Make your own judgment on this one. What was the name of the last board game that you played? I rarely play 'em because I just don't tend to enjoy them almost at all. I don't recall, but I'm sure it was something with Girt; we usually play them when he's here. Do you like to give people a taste of their own medicine? No. Well, if I don't dish it out. I don't believe in karma, but I think it's normal to have a "how does it feel now?" reaction when someone experiences the wrong they've given to others. How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? I don't recall. In a car, air conditioning or roll the windows down? I strongly prefer AC. What type of personality do you find most annoying? Over-the-top judgmental and condescending, but especially egotistical. Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? Absolutely zero, and I admittedly find ignorance and gullibility in you if you do. I'm generally super, super open-minded, but. Having faith in the horoscope is a weak point there. Have you ever done cocaine? Wow no. Has anyone ever called you a whore? I don't believe so, excluding jokes with friends and such. Are you the oldest child? The youngest? In the middle? Only child? The middle of my "full" siblings, second-youngest if you count them all. Has anyone ever told you that you have a cute nose? I actually think so? When was the last time you wrestled? Probably with Jason playfully, so years ago. Do you like your first name? I do. Whose car were you last in? Mom's. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It has been twice. First time, the damn hole closed while I was in the hospital (I had to take them all out, and four piercings total closed, yay), so I got it redone. What was the last reason you went to the doctor? Therapy. What can’t you wait for? Going back to school or getting a job I don't hate. Have your parents ever smoked pot? I don't think so. Do you like scary movies, what was the last one you watched? With who? Yes. Last year's Halloween with Mom. Is there someone you know you should hate but you can’t? I believe I have enough reason to hate Colleen, but I don't think I feel that strongly enough to, especially as yes, she did wonderful things for me too, but I can't forget the many reasons of why I questioned our friendship. I think I just strongly dislike her. Do you take walks often? I can't thanks to my damn knees mixed with my current, lovely sweating situation. I can't walk here anyway, we live on the side of a decently busy street. Do you like Subway? Sure. When’s the last time you said you were fine, but really weren’t? Idk, I've learned to not do that. If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you take them back? No. Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? Maybe? I know at least texted. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries. Are you fascinated by outer space? I'd love to see a person say no to this. What’s a fun website you recommend? Nothing surprising or new... Do you answer your phone when it’s a number you don’t recognize? Sometimes. Through VR, the person working with me has really emphasized that I have to learn to when you're out trying to get a job and such with how you'll be receiving calls. Do you like spontaneity? It really depends, but in most situations, I think no. Do you have dreams that you’re not giving up on? I absolutely refuse to. Do you have hope for the future? Some days. Not as much as usual of the late. Are you optimistic? No, I'm a realist. Do you think your hair looks better up or down? It's too short to be put up. Do you like bare trees or green-leaved trees better? Autumn trees. Between those two, probably bare, I guess. Do you love your hometown? Yeah, having the Bloods gang try to break into your house, having eggs thrown at your window, drugs being easy to access, and former criminals walking right down the streets, yeah, it was great. Do you dream of decorating a house someday? Well yeah. It wouldn't feel like home if it wasn't personalized. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? I hate you and your barbarous ass more than I care to describe. :) Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that actually scared you? Never been on one in the first place. Out of these colors, which appeals most to you: orange, blue, or green? I don't like green much, but I love orange and pastel blue... eh, I dunno what to pick. Is there anything you’re saving up for? A shitload of things. Know anyone with a really annoying laugh? FUCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Has anyone in your family fought in any of the wars? I learned recently my grampa was in the navy for I believe two wars. Idr on Mom's side. Would you make any changes to your current bedroom? Ugh, change the color of these walls, please. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit up front, down back or the middle? I haven't been on a bus in years, but back when I went home with Jason, we sat in the back with a few of his friends. If it was of my own volition now, uh. Probably the middle. Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, but BOY will I if you give me a damn good reason, particularly if the person has hurt a loved one. Do you currently have any bug bites? No. Have you ever gone to see a movie just to make fun of it? No. When you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over? y e s Ever been to a REAL metal show? Not yet. How much time do you spend on the computer? Better question is how much time am I not. How do you feel about Motorhead? Loads of respect for our late Lemmy as an icon in the metal community, but I don't know many of their songs. Like every human being at least, "Ace of Spades" I love and is a BANGER. I'm actually not a big fan of Lemmy's voice, but I can overlook the singing for the overall sound of the song, for example, Megadeth for me. What words or phrases do you tend to overuse the most? "Fuck," "shook," "rip," "fite me," and "don't @ me," lol. I am an adult y'all. Is there anything in particular that you’re shy about? Above all, talking about things in particular that I really enjoy/am passionate about, RP being the main one. You will probably never see me more uncomfortable than when explaining/talking about that with 99% of people. Classic rock love ballads: totally cheesy or totally awesome? GIMME. Are you more kinky or conservative? Well I wouldn't really know, I've only ever done "normal" things. I don't think you'd know unless you tried something. What color is your pillowcase? Both are brown. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever pulled a muscle? Uhhhh. I don't know. Would you consider yourself rebellious? I both do and don't for varying reasons. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) I'll just consider "real" ones, as my first contenders were all from fictional media, lmao. I genuinely like pentagrams, especially when designed in cool ways. What methods are most effective for you when you’re trying to relax? Deep, rhythmic breathing. I recommend it to absolutely anyone in an anxiety attack or something of the like. I believe it's actually proven to work, and at least to some degree, when I do it correctly and long enough, it works miracles. Here's a really helpful gif I trained myself with: https://thumbs.mic.com/MTc0NWZkOWM5YSMvYnhwRHF6Y2JLcUVuOVZGNUV5d1BST3Q0TU1ZPS9maXQtaW4vNzYweDAvZmlsdGVyczpub191cHNjYWxlKCk6cXVhbGl0eSg4MCk6bm9fdXBzY2FsZSgpOmZvcm1hdChqcGVnKS9odHRwOi8vaW1hZ2VzLm1pYy5jb20vZnh1NWxjNGh2d2RseXdwYmdobDU2YnV2ZGp1a2VqbXd5YnhpZXYxanRmaGlvZGNhcWtpaXR5d2N5NWFlc2dlNy5naWY.gif Are you any good at making the infamous puppy face? I wouldn't know; I probably haven't done that since playing around with Jason years ago... if I even did then, and I've changed a lot physically. Would you rather date your opposite, your 'twin’, or someone in between? In-between. Are you a moaner, a screamer, or totally silent? Moaner that tried to be really quiet because I was so paranoid we'd either be heard or I'd be too loud and miss someone coming home or something lmao. I was so scared of that happening that I always decided we had to stop if I was starting to feel like screaming. What documentary topics interest you most? Wildlife. Is there currently someone you want to get closer to? A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE. Do you take any medications that make you nauseous? Not anymore, anyway. When I started Latuda, it was rough sometimes, but I've been on it long enough to where it no longer bothers me. Do you ever make up your own words? No. Do you have any nicknames that are actually true about you? No. How many videos do you have favorited on your YouTube account? I believe the max where I believe it has to remove old ones lmao. I used to favorite like, any video I liked, but now I use it true to term. When did you have your last 'facepalm’ moment? I did that not long ago, but I don't remember why. Has a boyfriend or girlfriend ever nicknamed your, erm, 'privates’? No, and I don't particularly want anyone to. Do you know anyone who has carpal tunnel syndrome? Myself, actually. I knew I would develop it eventually with how much I've typed since before I was even a teen. My mom has it, too. Do you like raisins? NONONO When did you first kiss the last person you kissed? June last year. What are some of your favorite cities you’ve been to? Literally the only serious "city" I've been to is Chicago, which was great. Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) Don't want kids, but hypothetically, it would depend on their maturity level. What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? Uhhh idk, but mostly because it's not like I act like a "real" adult... No job, no car, no real adult decisions to make, and Mom handles anything else I can think of. Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up? As kids, yeah, common sense ones and not putting your elbows on the table. Which I find super stupid and haven't done in years. I only rarely put a napkin on my lap, really just if my grandma's here or I'm eating something actually messy. Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Pinterest, and never for something I care about. I need to turn them off. What is the minimum age to obtain a driver’s license in your state/country? 16. If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? I'm torn between Mom or not for various reasons on both ends... but I'd help her out regardless. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? N/A Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs? I don't think so? What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Dark Souls lmao. What would you do if your ex contacted you? I. Don't really know. I know for sure I'd be closed-off as fuck, examining every blink the dude did. I'd maybe be open to having an acquaintance-level "friendship," but that's it, and I don't know if I could ever stop being aloof. Last time you had anal sex? (if ever) Never, doesn't sound appealing to me. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Are your parents wealthy? Lol no. Dad's I believe middle class, but Mom? Have you ever asked someone out? Yeah. What products do you use in the shower? Shampoo, body wash, a facial cleanser. Do you like Swedish Fish? Noooo, they've always been one candy I just don't like. What movie can you watch over and over, and it will never get old? Idk, I don't really re-watch movies anyway. What was the best movie you’ve ever seen in theaters? Idk. Have you ever eaten with both fork and spoon, at the same time? I don't believe so. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? I always do when I'm able to. I like to know exactly when it happens. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yeah. Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? Ashley's legally blind in one eye, I believe her right. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? I've never been confined to one. Does weed smell good? Or no? Nooooo no no. Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Megan. Well, did I really "let her go," idk. How long was your longest make out? Like, all night on/off. Who made you laugh last? JackSepticEye. I'm watching like, every YTuber I like play the demo of the RE2 remaster. HYPE for that game. Never played the original, so seeing it new and realistic as hell will be nice, plus I'm a hoe for Leon. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap? Was the way Jason treated me after the break-up justified, idk. Which is harder, walking away from somebody you love or coming back to somebody who has hurt you? Walking away. What’s one question you hate being asked? Thankfully no one who doesn't need to know asks, but don't ask for my weight please. Did you make a wish on 11-11-11 at 11:11? No. Has anything exciting been going on in your life? Ha ha. What’s the last question you’ve been asked? (Not counting the survey.) Uhhhhhhh. Something from Mom, idr. Do you know any neat card tricks? No. Have you ever had a dream of someone you know harming you? Dad, in a lot before and a long time after the divorce, and I actually had another recently where I woke up and screamed. Idk why I had it, considering my dad and I are good. Do you have nice legs? I absolutely hate my legs. Do you collect postcards? I don't even go anywhere to, my friend. What kind of flooring does your house accommodate? Wood, carpet, and tile. Do you look good in shorts? I WOULDN'T DARE WEAR SHORTS. I hate my legs, remember??? Do your parents ever try to tell you what or what not to wear? Sometimes when we go out to certain places, Mom claims whatever I'm wearing isn't "formal (enough)," but I sincerely don't care in most cases. Have you ever held a tarantula? Yes, a rose-haired female. She was cool. <3 Do you have a dog tag necklace? No. Has a boyfriend’s brother ever hit on you? No. Who would you pick if you had to pick a celebrity (female) to kiss? In a case where we're both single, uhhhh, fuck. Maybe Suzy Hanson because goddamn she is a goddess inside and out I stan a queen. Now what about male? Same rules as above, be fuckin' prepared Fischfuck, he gettin' more than a kiss lads 'n lassies. Do you enjoy folk music? No. Does it make you nervous when you see people throw their children in the air to catch ‘em? To a degree. Do you own a locket? No. Have you ever seen a manatee in person? (they’re adorable) No. Mom swam with them a looooong time back, before she had me or my sisters I think, and I am ENVIOUS. Does anyone get your hand-me-downs? Not anymore. Does your mom still give you an Easter basket on Easter? She didn't last year for I believe the first time. What kind of dressing would you like on your salad? Inject the Olive Garden dressing into my veins. Have you ever stolen anything without intent? (walking out of the store with something in your hand, etc…)? I don't believe so. Are you good at Sudoku? I haven't played that in years. I used to be. Have you ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship just because it was easier than ending things? No. If you were diagnosed with a genetic disorder, would you still have biological children despite risking passing the disorder on to them? I don't want kids, but hypothetically, I guess it would depend on the disorder. What's the longest song you know all the words to? Ohhh not sure. I could look on my iPod, but don't feel like it. What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? My totally stagnant life. What's something you could endlessly rant about? Ha, so much... At this current time, probably the cancer that is the anti-vaxxer community. What's something you could passionately talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, and Silent Hill. Do your parents still live in the same house they raised you in? No. Do you know anyone who got pregnant as a teen and dumped the baby on their parents to raise? Probably. What would you do if your own teenaged child did that? Again, don't want 'em, but I'll be hypothetical. I would be fucking irate, and quite honestly, I'd probably end up putting it up for adoption if her ass tried that. Maybe my answer would be different if I actually had a daughter and thus the connection to her own child, but idk. It's hard to answer this question when you don't want kids. What's a place you have a strong emotional connection to? My hometown. We essentially never drive past it, but seeing my childhood home gives me this nostalgic-as-fuck feeling. What is something that you feel you are destined for? I don't believe in destiny. If you could form only one thing with your mind whenever you wanted, what would it be and why? Money, for obvious reasons. If you could control any form of liquid, which one would you want to control and why? (liquid water, frozen water, mist, blood, sap, etc) Blood would of course be coolest, but uh. Liquid water would probably be most useful. If you could have the power of any animal (you don’t transform into the animal, just obtain its abilities), what animal would you pick? A bird, I guess. Would you be willing to merge/fuse with someone else if you got cool powers to go along with it? No.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

[synnefo-nefeli]

How about... Klapallo 49?

For this meme and the prompt “coming home”

He’s lost track of all the places he’s lived in his 25 years, although some stand out more than others.

There’s the family manor tucked in the hills of Mittenwald, looming cold and austere on the hillside over the almost fairy-tail like village. It’s where the “commons” his father was oft to remark lived, and considering Klavier had the best tutors and home schooling, money could buy Klavier has few memories in the village town.

The manor is cold and impersonal, and despite it being the ancestral seat of his father’s fathers, Klavier never felt he belonged among the severe and proper halls.  Staff kept the immense galleries and rooms neat and orderly, everything had to be in its proper place.  It wasn’t until he’s older that Klavier realized that while at any point at least four people and a staff of fifteen lived within the house and grounds, the manor never felt lived in.  It was more of a museum to showcase his family’s wealth and past achievements.  The current occupants left to spend a lifetime hoping to find a place among the walls for the future generations to remember them by.

The manor is cold and chilling, and sometimes he can’t believe he grew up in such a place.  

Kristoph however, fit in perfectly.

Themis Academy is the first place he’s lived, after the manor and the first time he’s lived in a foreign country.  

It’s a boarding school and he has to share a room-  it’s and odd thing to have to share your space when you’re twelve (a whole two years younger than most of your classmates) when you’ve never had to before.

He’s not alone per se, Kristoph is an hour (plane ride) away at Stanford. 

His roommate is nice, a foreign student like himself, so they have that to bond over at least.  Joo-won will go on to be one of Klavier’s closer friends at Themis, and years later, Joo-won joins the record label and is assigned to The Gavinner’s legal council.

Klavier remembers being excited for this new chapter in his life, his first adventure, really.  Excited to learn about the Law, eager to explore “LaLa Land” itself and see if he could make his rock-star dreams come true.  He’s prepared himself for the homesickness. 

In fact he’s read up on the feeling and ways to treat the melancholy so he won’t waste a second of this new life missing out on his old.

It’s almost three months into his semester when he realizes, that the homesickness never came.

Tour-busses are an experience all to their own.  The Label has spared no expense on customizing their small fleet of buses to have every luxury and comfort as they spent hours on the road.

It’s somewhere between the lulling bouncing for hours on an airplane and wonder one gets when they wake up in a new port of call, when on a cruise boat.

It’s a surreal experience-  he’s on a bus for hours and days at a time, watching countrysides drift by, but he has a sound proofed room to practice for the next concert and a small state of the art recording booth should the muses deign to visit.

The bands moves around too much for Klavier to get attached to any one place.  He supposes the bus is his home now, considering the hours he’s racked up in his moving living quarters,  but at times Klavier feels the detachedness of the family manor.  The bus is always pristine and nice, and despite who is occupying it, never really has a personal touch other than the Record Label’s branding.

The feeling of comradely, however, is nice. When he’d left Themis to return to Germany for his badge, he’d missed having his friends about him while he studied.  Now he had his bandmates, his closest and creative kindred spirits.

Jam-sessions that are never recorded and only live in their memories, long running games of Spades in his bunk, eating and touring across so many cities and countries, that sometimes Klavier has to scroll back through years of Instagram posts (his personal- not the Label’s- they’d scrubbed a majority of the Gavinner’s posts, especially ones that featured Daryan) to specifically remember  them all.

It’s a nice adventure filled with the warmth Klavier needs after his disastrous debut and to distract him from his nightmares of that case. But he never feels safe.

Each night when he and Daryan bid each other goodnight and climb into their respective buses, Klavier willingly pushes down the nagging sense of fragility of the distraction he’s chosen to take him far away from his brother and Phoenix Wright.

After nearly a decade of being on the road, he comes back to Los Angeles as a prosecutor.  He’s divested himself from any stipends the Label provides, because despite still being a Rock Star, he’s also a public servant.  The waters of the “Dark Age of the Law” churn constantly with scandals and public opinion towards their Justice System sinks lower and lower by the day, and Klavier is loath to add any reason for his peers and public to mistrust him.

“Go in to court with clean hands and all that jazz,” he thinks, “well, as clean as my hands can be…”

Fortunately he’s amassed a nice nest egg through being a world-famous rockstar and his endorsement deals. 

He buys a nice home in the Hollywood Hills…because, well..what else is he to do?  He’s Klavier Gavin after all.

It’s a spacious Spanish-style, with rooms for days, a pool as big as his other celebrity neighbors; high-privacy walls so the celebrity tour-buses won’t see him, with a price tag that will certainly give him an amazing tax-break and justifies the home values of the neighborhood.

He doesn’t balk at the price; it’s a good investment for him.  Other celebrities blow their money on cars, drugs, women, and gambling.  Property no matter what is a good place to put his money (and his guitars) so he doesn’t think it a waste.  

What is a waste, is the interior decorator who is tasked to create the space worthy of “Klavier Gavin’s” flare.  The decorator and his team do and amazing job of it, Klavier figures.

It’s a shame because between being a world-famous Rock Star and a full-time prosecutor, he’s barely lives in the home he’s bought in the Hollywood Hills.

At least the “Hollywood Homes” Tours enjoy it.

Two years since coming back to the courts full-time, he’s moved to Century City.  It’s a duplex- still luxerous to match his tastes, but fits his needs better than the house in Hollywood Hills ever did.  That home he sold and re-invested the money elsewhere, to the frustration of the Hollywood Tourism Board.

He lives in the duplex with Vongole.  It’s closer to work, it’s in a section of the city that lets him have the glitz and glamour but also allows him to hit dive bars and be close to the local-music scene. Sometimes his colleagues come over to work on cases with him, and he doesn’t have to worry if his living space makes his co-workers feel out of place.

It’s a good place to live and he’s happy.  But he can’t shake the feeling that his apartment is more of a means to an end.

The first time he feels it, he’s not at the address of his formally listed residence.  He still lives in Century City, but since his and Apollo’s relationship has become more serious, Klavier finds himself more and more at Apollo’s small studio apartment in Atwater Village.

The day’s weather had been so hot he’d soaked through his dress shirt before he’d climbed all the way up the steps of the court.  The cases he’d dealt with- hellish as if to match the weather.

And despite winning his cases, Klavier’s mood remained sour.  At the office, Edgeworth had given him almost all of Payne’s pending cases, as the man had been suspended (again) by the Chief Prosecutor.

A long day of paperwork, re-filing the cases that his intern had sloppily sorted (because they’d had a hot date that evening and needed to leave early), and the discovery that all of his cases over the rest of the month would take him to court houses on opposite sides of the city daily, Klavier was thoroughly exhausted by the time he parked his motorcycle at Apollo’s building.

It’s when he steps off the elevator on the third floor that he smells it.  Smells the aroma of ground pork and onions; the air spiced with garlic and a feeling that his chasing away his dark mood.

He realizes he knows this smell.  The grocery cart parked outside of the apartment door with a box with a few scraps of corn husks, further confirms his suspicion that Apollo’s cooking.  Tamales, if Klavier isn’t mistaken.

Sure enough when he enters, he’s greeted to the sight of Apollo’s back and the ties of the red apron his boyfriend is wearing.  He’s busy forming the filling mixture with his hands, and on the small stove of the galley kitchen, the heat is rising in the dutch oven to cook off the stuffed corn husks.

When Apollo turn to smile at him, Klavier is drawn to press up behind him. Wrap his arms about the smaller frame and kiss Apollo’s warm cheek.  Apollo smiles and wiggles under the touch; hands are caked in cornmeal and meat and their size difference leaves Apollo with not much else than to say, 

“Welcome home.”

It’s such a normal thing to say.  Apollo’s said it many times before- but tonight’s the first time that Klavier realizes that this is his home.

It’s not Apollo’s key on his key ring, or that Klaiver didn’t have to announce that he was coming over; nor the place he’s standing in at that very moment.  It’s this person, this beautiful human in his arms. Who loves Klavier in all his glimmerousness, whose passion matches Klavier’s own for law and life. This man who smiles at him when he comes through the door and asks him about Klavier’s day, who is cooking dinner for them as if it’s the most normal and expected thing in the world.

He feels warm and safe, and a mixture of so many things at once.  That he is feeling them all at the same time confirms to him, that no matter where work or music takes him, his home and heart is here.  With Apollo.

Klavier’s response is a deep kiss, and a happy sigh.  Apollo flusters, squawks and calls him a “sap”, but Klavier can see he’s smiling and so he does it again.

“What’s gotten in to you?” Apollo breathless, and still covered in tamale mixture, “are you that happy that we’re having tamales for dinner.”

“Ja, it’s an appropriate response given that I am about to have the best in LA,” Klavier grins and enjoys Apollo’s blush.

“Well if you help me, you’ll be able to eat them sooner-”

Klavier smiles and leans over Apollo to wash his hands in the sink before pulling another apron out of the drawer.  Apollo shifts to make room for him at the counter;pushes the bowl of tamale mixture between them for Klavier to access.

May I always have a place besides you, Liebling he thinks and they proceed to ask each other about their respective days at work as dinner is made.

#ace attorney #klapollo #klavier gavin #apollo justice #free form #writing #fanfic #asks #prompt fills

[yes-this-is-sam]

Ok, I’m just going to be real on here for a minute. For my friends, for my girl, and for everyone else on here who needs to know, deep down, that someone else gets it. 

This is not a one-up story. This is not for pity. You don’t have to read it or care. This is so someone who is struggling with the weight of the world in their lungs or trying to decide if what they feel is real and how to handle it... knows that someone else out there went through the same fucked up emotions and is here to talk. To vent. To reach out. So you don’t have to feel alone. I don’t care if we’re mutuals. I don’t care if I’ve never met you before in my life. I WILL be here and try to help you as much as I can. 

There is depression in this. Abuse. Mental illness. Suicidal ideation. This is what I’ve gone through and I don’t want it to trigger you, so please don’t feel like you HAVE to read it. 

I’ve struggled with trying to decide if I even SHOULD make this post. But I know, in my heart, I fought through all of this so I could understand and help others who struggle. And I can’t reach out and help those people unless they know I’m here. So I apologise that this isn’t ME related. That this isn’t fun or nice. I won’t bring it up again. But it’s here. 

It kind of started when I came over from England to the States. At least, that’s the earliest I can remember. Kids making fun of the accent, making fun of being shy, making fun of liking books (No. Really. I read dictionaries for fun folks), of being the teachers pet. Especially because they moved me up a grade. OH HELL that set me up hard. I did not handle the culture shock well, a lot of people might say I NEVER got past it. 

(Heh my brain is trying to get me to skip over all this cause everyone knows kids get bullied but fuck I will not belittle what I felt.)

No kid, especially that young, handles being isolated well. Now, there’s a difference between liking being on your own, which I do, and being forcibly isolated. It is Not Good. Those very important years laid the groundwork for every single thing that happened later on. It created the insecurity, anxiety, and need to be accepted that damn near ruined me. 

I would do ANYTHING. Anything. To make people like me because I needed to not feel so alone. 

My only friends in middle school were a spy ring, none of whom I remember well, to voluntarily keep track of rumours and threats to my safety. I was beaten up. I went to my parents, to teachers. Everyone discounted what I was saying and I couldn’t tell if it was because I couldn’t say it right or if they just weren’t listening. Most of these years I don’t remember. I have massive gaping chunks of lost memory. Or memories that come back looking like a weird acid trip scene in a movie. I had a boy who would follow me home from the school bus stop yelling names at me from across the street. 

I went nonverbal for almost four years. It was not pretty. My parents were angry and frustrated and concerned. I was -pissed-. I was terrified and hurt. My words had failed no matter how I tried to twist them so they obviously weren’t any good. I became bitter and nasty, completely distant from any form of socialisation. It took so much effort to even breathe that it was painful. I stopped leaving the house, or even my room if I could help it. I’d have to crawl going up the stairs because I’d get winded halfway up if I stood up and walked. I stopped showering, brushing my teeth, stopped eating. Started hating every inch of myself. 

High school, if at all possible, got worse. My parents finally tried to take me to get help. The guy sat with me for all of 10 minutes and diagnosed me with ADD. Put me on Adderall. For those who haven’t been given this drug before, the long-term side affects include depression, hostility, and paranoia. Three things I already had in spades. I started punching myself. Punching hard objects. Biting and scratching myself. It became so habitual that the only times I would get that blessed serotonin were when I did hurt myself. The pain was the only thing that would clear my head and let me calm down and think straight. I got completely addicted to it, but I knew cutting was a problem so I never did that. If I didn’t, it wasn’t that bad, right? Then one day I blacked out and came to attempting to hang myself. It wouldn’t have worked, something would have snapped. But it still happened. I would still daydream about throwing myself out of moving cars. Down high things. I would zone out and wake up holding a steak knife in my hands trying to talk myself out of cutting cause “No, cutting is too far” and instead I started carving hateful things about myself and my family into my bedroom walls. Rage was in my veins, not blood. 

When I did try talking again, just before the Adderall fiasco, I realised quickly in ninth grade that I had the societal equivalent of a 5th grade emotional and social comprehension. I was humiliated that I was so far behind. It took years to even start thinking and acting like a typical teenager, albeit a very angry hateful one. When I did finally get off the Adderall, I thought I’d been angry and resentful before but ha now someone had tried to help and only made things worse and they still wouldn’t listen. “Stop being a brat” and “you’re normal you’re just hormonal” were two of the best ways to set me off. But at school I was cold as ice. I was the scary one who collected the out of control bad kids like war dogs. And finally people would leave me alone. 

In my senior year I got tired of being the bad one and tried to fight it all into a tight bottle. Make it ALL go away and try to be the sweet girl my parents remembered. And then boys started noticing me. Devon who would slide his hand up my skirt at the lunch table (to this day I don’t wear anything with a skirt unless it’s floor length) or that time he invited me to a party and then trapped me in a room with him and his ex-girlfriend and tried to pressure me into some exploration. I couldn’t say no to anyone. As scary as I’d made myself out to be, I would lay down and do anything to try and prove I could have friends. And people knew that. Get me into a situation and ask me to do something like that and I didn’t want to, I’d sit there for ten minutes staring at floors, walls, hands, begging myself to say no but frozen listening to this pressure cause I couldn’t. And then someone would open a door and I’d make a break for it. CJ who got me to hang out with him alone and because I couldn’t make myself say no, forced me to allow him to touch things I didn’t want touched. 

I have had to scream this at myself every day for seven years: it doesn’t matter that I didn’t SAY no. I did NOT want it. It was CLEAR that I did not want it. If you have to talk someone up THAT hard, push them where you want them to go, that is assault whether the word no is said or not. 

I took a year off after high school and hid in my home again. Praying it was over, that it would just get better. I was so tired, exhausted to the bone and soul, of fighting everything on my own. I didn’t tell my parents for over a year about CJ and Devon... and while my dad got angry, my mother (who is also a victim of depression and sexual assault) for YEARS after still believed I was just saying that because I was embarrassed to say I’d been experimenting. I had absolutely no support structure and a gaping sensitive wound in my chest that just wanted someone to love me and say I was wanted and safe. That groundwork from when I was a kid had scaffolding and a first floor built. My first year of college I fucking let myself get pressured into acts I didn’t want again because I didn’t want to lose my terrible boyfriend or my terrible friends. I almost accepted letting my best friend of fourteen years tell me that, and I quote cause this shit is still burned into my mind from 2012 “You’re an embarrassment to have around my friends and should be kept on a leash”. But between my, now ex, and her new boyfriend who was over 10 years older than her and a manipulative sociopath, I snapped and all that bottled up anger came out in a flash of red. I don’t know what I said but she ran off crying and I never hung out with them again. 

I stayed alone for a while after that. I needed to get myself together. Started keeping a tally of days I wouldn’t hurt myself, trying to focus on school work even though I still couldn’t get out of bed. Tried to make myself eat more than once every three days, started keeping tallies of that. Got about twenty THOUSAND dollars worth of work done on my teeth over a five year period, including wisdom teeth removal. God it was like dragging myself through mud with twenty pound weights on each leg. Every day it was three steps back one forward. It never got easier. The trust never came. I never felt better about myself. 

Then, when I hit maybe around 22, I say maybe because even for those years I still have massive memory gaps, I started seeing improvement. Some scattered good days. Days where I was still depressed but could laugh and smile, awkwardly hang out with the one or two people I’d allowed to stay. I started realising that, if I could just wrap my hands around this monster ruling my head and chest and wrangle it, I could live with it. I could force a balance and co-exist with it. Cause that fucker wasn’t going away, never. I would still flinch if anyone touched me. To this day no one can stand behind me and I HAVE to hear you coming from any direction or I will have a complete panic attack. But I could live with that. 

I figured out what worked and, slowly and trying to be gentle with myself, pushed myself through each day into a rhythm. A weak sort of balance. Started getting stronger. 

Then I met Matt. Tall, wicked smooth, handsome as hell and knew it. Proud of the fact that he could manipulate anyone, get whatever he wanted. Well that ended up being me. I fell head over heels with the charm. In only a few months he convinced me that we could move out of state and make it work. He got me totally isolated. I wasn’t allowed to sing. Tap my toothbrush on the sink to clean it. Drive with the windows down. If he wanted to go spend the night at another girl’s house I had to let him but if he was home, I couldn’t even be on my computer. At first sleeping with him was easy. It meant literally nothing, had no emotion, so that made it feel safe somehow. But god forbid someone actually have a crush on me and want to hold my hand or every red flag would go sky high and leave me keeping furniture between me and that person at all times. But then I didn’t want it anymore. The rush of feeling like I’d beat my own head at its games wore off. Of course.... that didn’t stop him. And I still hadn’t learned how to say no, if I tried he’d just convince me I was wrong. I worked, did all the chores. He flipped in and out of jobs and then just... stopped working, hanging out with girls and whoever else he wanted to. Then up and moved to Colorado without me, saying he’d make it rich and bring me out there too. After a few weeks without him constantly near me... it finally started registering what had been happening for a year. That I had been completely broken down and abused and I thought I’d been happy despite the daily panic attacks and the loss of all the self-worth I’d fought so hard for. And I called my dad and he drove from Virginia to Kentucky to pick me up and get me back home.

Matt came back to Virginia soon after and I tried to patch things up. He was angry he had to leave some of his things behind and I was too scared to tell him it was over. But the thoughts were whirling in my head and he couldn’t stop them unless he was right there with me and we were living an hour apart. I was trying to figure out how to make it stop when one day he choked me and I figured out the only way to do so. So when I left that day, I blocked him on every device and never spoke to him again. It’s been almost two years and I know without a doubt if I ran into him again it would take him minutes to get into that part of my brain again. I’d fight it off but that fear and self-doubt would be so real. 

This year I got into therapy finally. Took her four sessions to diagnose me with PTSD and I actually told her I had known but refused to call it that because I didn’t want people to think I was being overdramatic. I rated extreme for anxiety as well, and severe for depression. And this was during the best year I’ve had to date, where everything feels like its finally working out. 

These things, these events and feelings... they’re so strong. They meld into your DNA and completely alter how you perceive yourself and other people. But you’re still YOU despite them. You’re still HERE. That means you’re winning. That means there’s still a chance to find that balance. 

I have a stable, if stressful job. My credit score is finally above 600 again after ruining it going to and running away from Kentucky. My finances are stable. I’m looking at the prospect of a much better job. It’s new but I have the best girl and the potential of a future. 

I still have to fight these feelings and memories. They don’t go away. I still have days where I can’t eat. Where taking a deep breath feels impossible. My friends in my area say they’re drawn to me because of how damn strong and responsible I appear and in my head I hear myself go, God if only they knew the truth. But the disservice that does me, that thinking that does YOU, is unreal. Never discount how strong you are to have made it this far, nearly or even completely alone. That you matter, your pain matters, and you have MEANING. That no matter how you feel about yourself, you are a beautiful disaster that would alter the state of the world were you to be gone. A force of nature. There is steel inside of you guarding your potential and keeping you up.

All of this, and I’m okay. I’m finally okay. Great? Potentially, some days. Those days will start coming more often. I’m regulating my eating, my health, and forcing myself to keep tabs on my habits. Sleep is still a messy work in progress, so is my room (I developed hoarding habits as a coping mechanism). 

But I’m okay. And I want YOU to be okay. I want you to not feel like you have to go through feeling like THAT up there, because no matter what you actually went through and whether it was like mine or not, your pain is pain just like mine. Loneliness just like mine. Loss and fear just like mine. Completely alone. 

If you need me. I am right here. I don’t care how long it takes. It took me fifteen years. I don’t care if you backslide. I don’t care if you’re so lost in it that you can’t see what is in you or around you. I am here for you so you have one rock in the hurricane wearing you out. It does get better. I will talk to you, I will let you vent. I will distract you and cheer you on. 

I’m right here and I love you. Every bruised and scarred inch. Everything I know you can be once the situation allows for it.

#personal #you don't have to read this #I can't emphasize that enough #but if you need to know someone understands #I'm here and I will #I don't know how to tag warnings well but here goes trying #tw depression #tw PTSD #tw mental illness #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw assault #tw anxiety #I'm sorry if this is too much info for some people #or too personal for a fan blog #but I'm seeing so much hurt on my dash #so many people struggling #I want you guys to know I'm here and I will stop at nothing to help you

[ancientbrit]

Natter # 12  12/06/2020

Subject: Re: MI MG Natter # 12 12/25/20 - The Christmas edition

On Wed, Dec 9, 2020 at 11:28 PM Gordon Polson <

[email protected]

> wrote:

Today, (Sunday 12/06/20) -  I was reminded of the course we ran at Shoreline a couple of years ago on 'Latin for Gardeners'. If you didn't see it, the Seattle Times ran a great article on the selfsame topic in their "At home in the NW"  Sunday supplement and it too makes great reading. It rather simplifies the subject and makes it very digestible, which is probably why our class went down so well. If you have never given much thought to horticultural Latin you should check this article out, it is very refreshing and understandable.Let's face it, the use and understanding of it is vital to really knowing what you are growing, and if you have any intent to raise plants from cuttings or divisions to be sold at the Plant Sales, it is essential. With positive ID you will have access to correct soil treatments, pruning, if it is poisonous or fragrant, has spines or flowers and so on. The article was based on a new book entitled "The Gardeners Botanical: An encyclopedia of Latin Plant Names" written by Ross Blayton who comes via the University of Reading (UK), Kew Gardens (UK) and Heronswood. The writer of the article proposes that a little botanical Latin self-study might make better use of some of your gardening off-season hours than re-watching that TV series that you already watched umpteen times already. 'Sounds reasonable. The book costs $30 - $40 or so at Amazon and I have ordered my copy already locally. Our veggies have not done quite so well this year and the outlook is not exactly encouraging either. Jean has a double row of 3 foot high pots along our southern exposure. Well, not exactly an exposure anymore. When we first lived here, we were able to grow a mass of all different veggies, fruit and flowers. Then after a few years another couple built a house next door to the south and erected a close-together row of evergreen trees right on the property line. I complained at the time to the husband that they would grow to be too big and he agreed that he would top the trees when they had knitted together. I wasn't going to tell him that topping was a bad idea - I wanted the trees gone. Two years or so on, they divorced and now the trees are higher than our roof and totally block any sun from reaching the pots until high noon on the longest day of the year. They have also bushed out into our garden, further reducing usable space. In addition, my Banana grove has now reached around 12 trees which effectively blank the western end so that the setting sun, which used to help out, is now totally blocked and it looks like this will be the last year we will be able to grow there. I can and will reduce the bananas but that will only allow a minimal amount of light in, unfortunately. In addition to this, the borrowed raised beds in which I used to grow tomatoes, onions. leeks, lettuce etc, have now been removed as the house has been sold. Right now I am trying to find out if the PeaPatch program will still be operating in 2021 at Luther Burbank and if so, will there be any going spare, 'Not having a deal of luck just yet, but we shall see. Now with Christmas just around the corner, I get a bit maudlin and my thoughts tend to dwell on the past a lot. All the wonderful Christmasses we had during the war, which somehow seems a contradiction in terms. My Dad was one of eight children and my Mum one of four sisters and thus our Christmasses were crowded, exuberant, noisy and memorable. Uncles, Aunts and cousins wherever you looked and the food was to die for.      I frequently threw up! Christmas Eve was always lovely. Walter next door would always take his daughter Mary, my sister Joan and me to the Watch Night Service at St Dunstan's church in the village, right at the top of the hill. Just across the road is ' Whitehall' - a large wooden house from Henry VIII time and still standing and in use today, It always seemed to be freezing cold on these nights and the footpath would sparkle with frost and would ring as you walked on it. It was about a mile and a half to the church I suppose, but we talked constantly on the way and it seemed to take no time at all to get there. These sort of night walks were pure magic during this early part of the war when nothing much was happening, The Blackout was total. No streetlights, not a trace of a chink of light from houses or pubs and only the occasional glow from a bus or commercial vehicle driving slowly behind headlamps that were about 90% covered over. The night was like black velvet studded with millions of stars.  There were so many to be seen, all twinkling away, from horizon to horizon. The number of shooting stars were legion - they would pop into view every few seconds. As I said, it was a magical time. This was before my Dad joined the Navy in 1942 and was sent to India, never to be seen again until 1947. Before he left we would frequently visit his sister Jessie and family. They lived about 45 minutes away by 213 bus down by the Beverly Brook. Uncle Jimmy had a large aviary in his back garden which I loved and of course, there was always my cousin Janet, for whom I always had a crush. Our visits always seemed to last for ages, which meant that when we left it would usually be in darkness. Leaving their house we would walk about half a mile to the bus stop and catch the 213 again which would drop us near the end of our road about 45 minutes later. Halfway along our road there was an intersecting alleyway that sort of crossed the road. It provided rear access to people's gardens and was okay during the day - everything could be seen. But this was now, and now was as black as the ace of spades with nothing in either alleyway visible - just a deep black void. 

I was seven, my sister ten. The only illumination would be by small penlight torch, supplied by a #8 battery - which were always in short supply, so you rarely switched it on so as to save the juice - not that the light was ever more than a sort of sickly, flickering, yellow light! My Dad would take our hands, one on each side and as we walked down the road, with Mum trailing, he would start telling a made-up story that we loved, even though it terrified. And so, in a very low, slow and deep voice, he would start talking, timing the tale to culminate at the alleyway. "In a  dark,   dark  town, there was a   dark,   dark  road. And in that   dark,  dark  road there was a  dark,   dark   alley.  And in that  dark,  dark  alley - THERE WAS A GHOST! This last bit almost yelled loudly and quickly and we would both jump - every time. It was great! At the top of the hill in Cheam Village proper was St Dunstan's -  my church and was intimately connected with the school I attended from 8 till 11 years old. All the Saints days were kept and the whole school would walk to the church in a crocodile. It wasn't a very 'high' church but it was special to me at any rate - I love it still. It is totally built of stone and although old it is not the ancient sort of building to be found in many other places. St Dunstans itself has been serving the community for over 1000 years, although this current building has only been there since 1864. Turning left off the main Malden Road up to the Lych Gate, through the graveyard, and through the main heavy oaken doors, deeply studded with large, square-headed iron nails, you would catch that delicious scent of pine and cedar, overlaid with an occasional whiff of incense as you walked to your pew, surrounded by candles, hundreds of candles, to the low muttering of the organ, as people talked in hushed tones. I love the feeling that these churches propagate in me. I always feel that my voice has to be low, quiet and reverent, as the history all around soaks in by osmosis.  For this service, it always seemed warmer than on other occasions, although I doubt that it would have kept people away if it had been as cool as it normally seemed. The Reverend Dr Hayman, was our resident vicar -  a very softly spoken, nice man whose large Vicarage is built next to the Whitehall, which was on the corner of Anne Boleyn's Walk. He preached great sermons and on these special occasions, it was a delight to hear him. There was always a Creche a little behind the.lecturn with bunches of chrysanthemums and greenery spread about. The service was liberally sprinkled with hymns and carols which I loved. My friend Ken Coleman was in the choir and he always looked out of character wearing his choirboy's surplice with it's high white collar. He was never able to convince me that he was as angelic as he appeared!I loved to sing but I could never summon the courage to apply to the choir, but I did sing descant to many of the carols and hymns for my own pleasure. The service always seemed to be over almost before it had started and then it was back down the hill to home. Goodnight to Walter and Mary, a mug of cocoa and so to bed, making sure that stockings were appropriately hung at the mantelpiece.

   Four of my good friends were married at St Dunstan's, but Jean and I were married at St Lawrence's (built in 1636) as this was Jean's parish church in Morden, but somehow I always felt a bit cheated that I hadn't been married at St Dunstan's.

My sister and I always managed to wake early on Christmas morning, just to make sure that the stockings had been filled. The house would be quite cold at this time as there was no insulation - I don't think the technology existed at this level then. Some heating was provided by a coke-fired boiler in the kitchen which supplied domestic hot water via a hot water tank inside an airing cupboard in the bathroom above, making the bathroom a favorite place to start the day. To even the temperatures throughout the house meant lighting coal fires in the individual rooms each day so that the morning took a little time to reach comfort level. My Dad also had a great habit of preparing Sunday breakfast, frying tomatoes in pork or bacon fat in a tart pan on top of the boiler. They would simmer for ages and reduce to a jam-like consistency which was wonderful spread warm over bread and butter. The windows were all single glazed and a glass of water left overnight on the bedside table would be solid ice come the morning. It all had the benefit of making one move with alacrity first thing. There were no turkeys -  I don't think anybody had even heard of them, I certainly hadn't, but there would be a chicken, a leg of roast Pork with the skin still on, which had been slashed through in parallel strips, - which went crispy when roasted and were delicious (Crackling) Plus the usual and expected, brussels sprouts, roast parsnips, pork chipolatas (thinnish delicious pork sausages)  roast and mashed potatoes, stuffing, Yorkshire pudding and gravy. Dessert was a flaming Christmas Pudding served hot with custard or Brandy Butter and containing lucky silver threepenny bits, so you had to watch out for your teeth This was served around 1- 2 pm, following which the adults would collapse about the place after the dishes had been washed and put away and the children were expected to go for a walk in the park taking Jock, our dog.Taking an extended walk through Cheam Park and into Nonsuch Park we would return a bit muddy and Jock would be carrying his usual gift of a tree branch or quite frequently a lump or two of horse manure in his mouth! He was something of a gourmet! Coming through the door we would find everybody sitting around drinking tea or other brown liquids from glasses, the men smoking cigars whilst they reminisced about Christmasses past, with frequent and not understood (by us) references to past indiscretions - always good for a laugh from them. After a while, there would be a slightly uncomfortable movement towards getting tea ready, which meal was usually served around 7 pm. The table would be set with the usual stiff white linen table cloth on which were placed all manner of great dishes, almost all of which were served cold. There was cold, sliced pork and ham, celery sticks in a special crystal vase. This was a wonderful, slightly pink celery which would be eaten out of hand, dipping one end into a pile of salt on the edge on the plate and eaten with bread & butter. Unfortunately, this variety of celery seems to have disappeared ever since the easier to grow 'Pascal' green celery was introduced. I have never been able to find it in seed catalogues either here or back home, but the flavor was far superior to the self-blanching types extant. Under EU rules if you wanted to keep a variety growing you had to pay some exorbitant fee to the EU government and since the Pascal variety was easier to grow and thus cheaper to produce, this is the one that was sold and so it was too expensive to maintain the pink line I suppose and it is probably lost to cultivation now. So short sighted and sad - just one victim of hundreds. Then there were fruit jellies (Jello here) containing little bits of the appropriate fruit, blancmanges in strawberry and lemon flavors - all of these would be made in fancy-shaped jelly moulds and then turned out upside down on a plate and served from there. And trifle, always trifle!  There would also be a bowl of Libby's fruit salad, plus hot Mince pies, sausage rolls and maybe slices of cold Christmas Pud and finally  - 'The Cake'.This is a very traditional cake with minor variations served at Christmasses, Weddings and sometimes Christenings. It is based on a Dundee fruit cake which is NOT, I hasten to add, anything like the much-maligned, so-called fruit cakes I have seen here thank goodness. The ones that I have seen look like a pile of dried fruit, bound together somehow into a block, which then seems as if it was varnished all over to a high gloss. No wonder they have a foul reputation.

The Dundee top has a pattern of almonds on it and the whole outside is given a layer of marzipan, which is then coated in Royal Icing. It is superb.  Well made, it is capable of lasting in edible condition for years if stored correctly. At weddings, where there are tiered cakes, any that remains is cut into slices, packed in special little boxes and sent to those friends and relatives who were unable to make the event. My brother-in-law Denis  used to take prizes for this cake when he entered it in the local Summer fair. One tradition in eating this cake is to accompany it with slices of a strong, nutty cheese. it cuts the richness and seems to enhance the flavor the same way it does if eaten with apple pie! When once we get back to some semblance of normality, I will have to make one for our traditional 'Bun Fight.'  This isn't an empty threat  - I made my sister's wedding cake and it went over very well -  a real labor of love. Do not imagine for one moment that I will take NO for an answer either! Along with delicious food, there of course, have to be Christmas Crackers and these are handed around, pulled and their contents worn, laughed over or played with. All this largesse was obviously not a daily event. Rationing was severe and continued long after the war was over, right into 1952 and became even more severe than it had been during the war. Ration coupons had to be saved for months just for this one special event. The Christmas puds were made a couple of months in advance and the whole family was expected to take a stir of the mixture (very stiff) as you made a silent wish. To get a true Christmas Pudding takes an awful lot of fruit and other goodies. It also takes about eight hours of steaming in a china basin. After it has cooled, the cloth covering needs to be changed for a clean one and the whole thing stored until needed. When that time arrives, it then has yet another cloth tied over the top of the basin and it is steamed for another four or five hours and served hot as I mentioned. I think it is a wonderful thing to eat, hot or cold but I cannot persuade our daughter in law to even try it. I have to admit that it is very rich but the flavor and mouthfeel are superb. I should also mention that the recipe was formulated when people actually worked physically most days, even if it was just walking to and from shops or whatever - nobody owned a car except our local MD Dr Kerr and so you could work the extra pounds off without even knowing that you were doing so. Then of course comes Boxing Day, a wonderful and most sensible institution. Christmas Day is so hectic and filled with - food, that you really need another day to recover. When you consider that in the States, people travel hundreds of miles to get home for just the one day and then struggle back, frequently battling snow and lousy weather to return the following day, it is positively savage. Boxing Day is all about relaxing. You wake up late-ish - if you want. Have a leisurely breakfast, maybe read the paper, then get dressed and walk around to visit friends. You are invited in and partake of maybe a glass of wine, sherry, beer or just tea/coffee, along with a few comestibles to nibble on as you talk about whatever. After an hour or so, you move on to another favorite friend's house, or not and repeat the process. This can go on all day, or you can return home and be visited in turn. Frequently a long bracing walk is called for after the previous day's excesses and so you are gradually allowed to return to normal.Of course one of the joys of the aftermath of Christmas is that there is always lots remaining, leading to cold meat sandwiches, eggs and bread fried in pork or chicken fat - absolutely delicious, toasted bread spread with both of those fats including the dark jelly at the bottom of the bowl.  And one of my personal delights - 'stealing' strips of cold meat from the leavings.This all has to carry you through until Springtime as New Year isn't celebrated the way it is here.

As I reached my teens New Year was celebrated by my friends and me by trooping up to Trafalgar Square in London, but that is a tale for another time, so I will say goodnight for now. Your fearless leader. Gordon

[rilenerocks]

Here I am at age seven, standing in the grassy park that borders Lake Michigan at Rainbow Beach on the south side of Chicago. Except for our brief sojourn in Iowa from my infancy through 1st grade, I was born into a family of non-swimmers, who managed to stay out of the water despite being virtually  lifetime Chicagoans. I was always clearly a water person. Sometimes you wonder how you got to be the different one in the family. I remember my parents telling me they thought I was going to be an Olympic swimmer. That was naïveté talking. For them, my voluntary entry into the frigid lake was my first step toward athletic fame. I learned how to swim adequately in that cold water and then improved somewhat in high school, where we had a pool that I mostly disliked. I always preferred swimming outside. I know how to do all of the strokes but basically, I’ve got a decent, comfortable breaststroke in addition to being an excellent floater. I’d never win a race, even when I was young. But I have endurance and can last a long time in the water.

The laat time I did any real swimming was in the beginning of March when I was lucky enough to be visiting friends in Florida, whose subdivision has a pool. Lots of the residents down there like the air temperature and the pool temperature to be what feels like a bathtub to me. I was happy to have it to myself a few times on cool mornings. Covid was on my radar before I left for this trip but during my ten days away, the progression of infections was ramping up and I was terribly anxious when I returned home through two airports and as a bus passenger. I bought groceries and self-quarantined for days before having the courage to walk across the street to see my daughter and her family. Within a week, I cancelled a long-planned sisters’ trip to Alaska and hunkered down along with so many other older people who I darkly refer to as “the death group” because of our age and co-morbidities. For the first few months, the sameness of my daily life didn’t bother me much. I had my spring garden to think about and work in, I started babysitting for my grandsons and found ways to see a few people by parking next to each other and chatting through our car windows. I was really grateful I’d had both my knees replaced so I could take walks.  

As the weather heated up, I started having some issues. Going for long walks and returning home drenched was not my idea of a good time. I started missing the water. Desperately. I knew the pools, both indoor and out, were closed in my area until the end of July. I set up a little kid’s splash pool and a beach umbrella in my back yard which really made a difference in how I felt for awhile. But I found myself spending lots of time on the internet, looking for bodies of water close to home, places where I could feel safe from the virus and yet at the very least, wade and feel a small sense of submersion. In addition to longing for that physical sensation, I started running low on the rocks and pebbles I’ve been using for years to decorate brick pavers which I use to surround trees and create borders for my different garden sections. I found myself going out in the yard to scrounge them out of a few containers I use as yard decorations.

I haven’t much liked this version of myself. Lots of people are struggling with this stressful time. And certainly there are those who are facing much more challenging issues than me. I’ve not been enjoying this rather petty and selfish piece of me that’s erupted at this point. I’ve been thinking that feeling trapped without the physical release of swimming is just one piece of a bigger picture. When Michael died, I realized how hard it was going to be to not have human contact on a regular basis. I lived my whole adult life right up until his death next to a warm body. I know, lucky me. But going cold turkey has been hard for me. Being a person who plans ahead, I decided to budget a standing massage and pedicure into my calendar. Those contacts plus haircuts went a long way to not getting in the weird place I could go with no physical intimacy. Add in swimming and hugs from friends and voila – ways to stay sane. But basically, all that planning has been negated by the threat of Covid. I honestly don’t know if there will be a return to my previous existence. So now, I’ve had two significant adjustments in three years, along with the limits of travel these days. Which brings me back to the lake. While perusing social media and chatting with friends, I saw that some people, admittedly younger than me and so perhaps less vulnerable to the virus, were on the road. And what caught my attention was the photos posted of one of my favorite places on the planet, Lakeside, Michigan.

The first place we stayed at in Lakeside was a bed and breakfast place at the time, sometime in the late ‘90’s. After basically going on an extended family vacation with a close group of friends further north in Michigan, our son, our youngest child wasn’t enjoying the trips  much. When our friends decided to invest in a place as a group, we opted out to be able to address our kid’s needs. From then on, we took different trips as a family. But Michael and I always slipped away on our own for a weekend in Lakeside, right on the shore of Lake Michigan. That felt like home. The lake there has this magic illusory feeling to it. You know you’re at the shore of familiar waters but sometimes it feels like you’re on the edge of an ocean when the waves are up and the water is so, so clear. After a time, as the kids got into their teens, they wanted to join us for these few days and we needed bigger accommodations. We wound up a little way down the road at the Lakeside Inn, a rustic lodge listed on the National Register. No televisions, primitive decor and furniture, it’s a little island of detachment from the rapid pace of daily life. As Starved Rock became our winter destination, Lakeside was our summer one, with an occasional fall or spring getaway on the side.

I waffled up and back about going. Was it selfish and stupid to go in this uncertain time? Was I just acting like the type of spoiled person I find so irritating? And even more than that, was I ready to go back to a place that holds so many beautiful memories of my life with Michael? I haven’t been back there in four years, since the summer before he died. We just had a scant day and a half back then because we were taking what would be the last big trip of our lives, our Utah National Parks adventure shortly thereafter. The only photos I have from that time are of Michael standing in front of our two favorite restaurants in the next town east of Lakeside, him at the beach and one of our feet in the water. 

But I have photos of our family enjoying Lakeside going all the way back to 2003. There were times when it was just the four of us. We lay on the beach, swam, collected rocks and read books. Over the years we tried lots of different restaurants in the small towns that line the Red Arrow Highway, some wonderful and others awful. I remember spasms of convulsive laughter, mostly in the expensive places, when we were sharing the most entertaining words from the book Depraved and Insulting English. We played Spades and Hearts at night or Scrabble and Monopoly. Some of us were more competitive than others. I took my son’s high school graduation picture there.

He convinced me that we should go back to Lakeside as he’s heading out west soon, and we’d have a chance for one more special time together. I made the reservations, worried that I’d get up there and cry the whole time.  I wound up doing my crying in advance. I looked through all the old photos with a combination of joy and love, nostalgia and pain. I got worn out but in a good way.

As the years passed, our family group went from four to five and eventually six. Three generations on the beach along with a couple of dogs on occasion. What I know is we had so much privilege and fun that eludes so many people. I remind myself of that all the time.

So off we went on our brief excursion. By doing the emotional work in advance, I was pretty relaxed. My son and I travel well together and we enjoyed our couple of hours drive, listening to music and chatting. We stopped at a cafe which made good sandwiches and then headed to the Inn. I was relieved to see that good Covid practices were being observed which also took away stress. After quickly checking in, we headed to the private beach, a bonus when trying to avoid crowds. The weather was perfect as was the water. I scavenged for rocks for a long time and finally got my body into the lake. We stayed all afternoon and into early evening.

We headed upstairs and drove over to a favorite burger joint for a takeout dinner. After a day of beach and driving we were tired and decided to call it a night. We headed back to our rooms at the inn. When I looked out my window I realized a glorious sunset was taking place. We dashed back down the 115 steps to get back on the beach in time to see the flaming colors shimmering on the lake. I was so glad. Who knows when I’ll be there again, if ever? We went back upstairs and watched an episode of a series we’d been sharing on Netflix. Then my son turned in for the night. I wrote for awhile and pondered how just a few hours away from this 5 month slog soothed my tired brain.

The next morning we ate our boxed breakfasts on the long porch that spans the front of the Inn. We decided to go back down to the beach for a few hours to soak in the last moments of our perfect excursion. No one was there but us. I think many people think mornings are too cold to take the waters. They don’t know what they’re missing.

  We reluctantly tore ourselves away for the ride home. I felt tired but restored. My body was so refreshed by the water and the vista from the shore. The same magic I always felt and had missed so badly. Although the time was brief, it’ll hold me for awhile. As we drove along, I was thinking of the face of a young native girl whose photo hung in my room at the Inn. I was haunted by the  layered look in her eyes, which were complex, sad and moving. Life has always been challenging for everyone, long ago, currently and certainly, will be in the future. Perspective is everything.

 Meanwhile, I’m back in the routine of these past five plus months. But I’ve replenished my soul a bit and additionally, my supply of rocks for the garden project of the winter months.

#reneerocks

Back to the Lake Here I am at age seven, standing in the grassy park that borders Lake Michigan at Rainbow Beach on the south side of Chicago.

[hollywoodjuliorivas]

mo

How to make your firm more diverse and inclusive

Tips for chief executives

Print edition | Business

Nov 7th 2019

To: ceo

cc: pa

Subject: A hard-headed guide to corporate diversity

Dear David,

You face pressure to “do something” about diversity in your company—not only from your wife and woke children. Corporate clients increasingly demand it in your supply chain. Regulators, who use a “stable” or “inclusive” culture as a proxy for low risk, are breathing down your neck. Governments like Britain’s, which now mandates pay-gap reporting, insist on making more of your sensitive data public. And employees, including former ones, can air their complaints on social media.

Small wonder that 87% of your fellow bosses told consultants at pwc that diversity is a business priority. I’m sure you did, too. After all, you recently posted a job opening for a diversity manager. You were not alone; the number of such offers in Britain has doubled in the past year, say analysts at Glassdoor, a recruitment website. Since June 2017 more than 800 American ceos have signed a pledge to “advance diversity and inclusion in the workplace”.

That is where we are: lots of talk, plenty of initiatives, little change on the ground. Between 2015 and 2018 the share of female executives at large (mostly) American and British firms went from 12% to 14%; for ethnic minorities it moved from 12% to 13%. The ftse 100 has fewer female ceos (six) than it does bosses who share your name (seven). In American companies with over 100 employees, the share of black men in management was 3.4% in 2017, half their share in the population as a whole—and virtually unchanged from 3% in 1985. White women make up 25% of executives and senior managers, compared with 60% for white men. Something is clearly amiss.

In the past this letter would have gone straight to your legal department. Since the term “diversity” entered the corporate lexicon in the 1960s it has been code for avoiding lawsuits—especially in America, where companies have coughed up billions in fines for discrimination over the years. The financial sector still treats it mostly as a compliance issue.

Now you are no doubt tempted to forward it to someone in hr, almost certainly a woman with an arts degree, a sound moral compass and too little power. Don’t. This is your problem. Without your leadership it is unlikely to be solved soon.

Keep reading

Deep inside, you may be wondering if anything really needs solving. The short answer is: it does. With that in mind, you should ask yourself three things.

First, why does diversity matter to your firm? Is your reputation in trouble, as it was for Uber, Nike, Lloyd’s of London and others scarred by #MeToo? Do you, like consumer giants such as p&g, hope that more diversity makes for better products? Are you concerned about attracting and retaining bright sparks? You would be in good company: 97% of executives fret about increased competition for talent (according to Mercer’s hr consultants).

Or are you hoping that diversity will boost the bottom line? To be perfectly honest, I have no idea if it does. It is hard to tell if diversity helps firms do well, or if successful firms are also more enlightened on other matters. But variety has been linked to innovation, productivity and, for example in diverse teams of surgeons, fewer mistakes. Lack of it breeds groupthink—which in turn can lead to disasters. The Bay of Pigs invasion and the Lehman Brothers collapse stemmed from narrow-mindedness. And employees who believe their firm cares about gender diversity are 40% more likely to be satisfied at work—and possibly more productive as a result.

Once you have sorted out the why, consider where you want to get to. Some firms, like Facebook, Nike or p&g, say they wish to mirror their customer base. Others are keen not to recruit from an artificially thin talent pool. Goldman Sachs claims its new entry-level recruitment targets—50% female and, in America, 14% Hispanic and 11% black—are based on things like graduation rates. Clear goals make it easier to assess if you are on track. But make them attainable. Qantas’s goal of 40% of its pilot intake to be female by 2028 is as admirable as it looks unrealistic: today just one in 20 pilots worldwide is a woman.

The third question concerns barriers that stop diverse talent from flourishing at your firm. Mapping how it flows through your organisation and where the blockages and leaks happen is a start. A McKinsey study of more than 300 companies identified the second step of the career ladder, from entry level to manager, as the “broken rung”: for every 100 men only 72 women (and just 68 Hispanic and 58 black ones) earned that critical early promotion. When Google was losing women in disproportionate numbers it homed in on maternity as the principal cause; the technology giant increased maternity leave and support for mothers returning to work.

Staff surveys can help, provided they are large and comprehensive enough. After its #MeToo moment, Lloyd’s, an insurance market, found that 45% of staff felt unable to raise concerns about improper conduct. Employees are now encouraged to speak up, including through a bullying-and-harassment helpline. A “culture dashboard” tracking progress on survey metrics will be published with the Lloyd’s annual report.

Now you’ve got your diversity-and-inclusion priorities straight and diagnosed what needs fixing. Good. Before you order a rainbow float for a Pride parade and send staff on a micro-aggression avoidance course, here is what not to do.

American firms spend billions a year on training. Half of large ones have unconscious-bias seminars. Most of these “d&i” programmes are a waste. Or worse: recent research from America shows that diversity statements can put off minorities, possibly because they perceive them as tokenism. Often, firms do d but forget i, which is about ensuring that the workforce is not just diverse, but thriving. Too many try to fix people instead of procedures. Training women to be more assertive in asking for a promotion or pay rise is pointless; they are just as likely to ask for these but also likelier to be seen as pushy when they do. Ushering your managers onto the “Check Your Blind Spots bus”, currently touring America as part of the ceos’ drive, is unlikely to do much. “Days of understanding”, popular in American offices, risk causing “diversity fatigue”. It is hard to beat bias out of individuals—easier to root it out of systems.

The don’ts

Take Silicon Valley. Big Tech has splurged on d&i to little effect. Representation of blacks and Hispanics has been flat (see chart). Girls Who Code, an industry-sponsored ngo, found that a quarter of young women who applied for internships at tech firms said they were asked inappropriate or biased questions. Others reported being flirted with or demeaned. It’s no use hiring diverse coders if the message then is: wear a hoodie and pretend to be a guy, or this is no place for you. They will underperform—or flee, leaving you as undiverse as before. Firms that do not change their ways beyond recruitment see high attrition rates of diverse talent. A lack of diversity is a symptom of deeper problems that a few diversity hires won’t mend.

At this point the how should be relatively clear. In a nutshell, it is all about creating a level playing field. When recruiting, software can mute biases by concealing giveaways to a candidate’s gender or ethnic identity. These include names but also less obvious hints like the sports they play. If only the usual suspects apply, look harder. Specialised recruitment drives, such as visiting “black” colleges or advertising in women’s forums, appear to work. The Bank of England no longer visits the Russell group of top universities, whose graduates apply in spades anyway, and focuses instead on less elite schools. bhp, an Anglo-Australian mining giant, broadened its search for female miners by recruiting from professions, such as nursing, with some similar skills.

In an effort to find trainees from different backgrounds, British law firms are trying “contextual recruitment”. An applicant with Bs from a school where everyone got Cs may be more impressive than one with As from a place full of A* pupils. Rare, a recruitment firm, has developed software which screens candidates for disadvantage and gauges their outperformance against the average for their school.

Once in the workplace, the clearer your criteria for professional advancement, the better. Informality is the enemy of women and minorities. It perpetuates bias. Surveys of American engineers and lawyers found that female workers were nearly twice as likely as their male peers to be saddled with “office housework”, like setting up meetings and conference calls. White men were likelier to be given careerenhancing tasks such as client meetings.

Sponsorship schemes are an effective way to ensure traditionally sidelined groups get a fair shot. PayScale, a pay-comparison site, found that employees with a sponsor made 11.6% more than those without. The Bank of England has offered most of its sponsorship places to ethnic-minority women. Staff surveys, if bite-sized but regular, can bring clarity to fuzzy inclusion metrics. “Psychological safety”, lingo for an environment where people feel free to speak their mind, can be tracked with questions like “are your ideas regularly attributed to someone else?” or “are you regularly interrupted in meetings?” Rotating who chairs a meeting, or a firm word with loudmouths who dominate it, can help.

Many employers—yourself included—would be horrified to learn that they implicitly require employees who want to be considered leadership material to adjust their behaviour. Women shouldn’t need to “act like a man”, gay employees to “act straight” or people with frizzy hair to treat it to “look professional” (ie, white). Let grievances fester and your workers will lose motivation or simply leave.

That is a lot to take in. But unless you do, your most valuable resource—workers—will not be as good as it could be. Best to get ahead of the problem. It isn’t that hard. And it can pay off mightily.

Yours,

Shareholder■

[torn-and-frayed]

Mental Health - My Story

Under the cut is an abridged version of my story. Feel free to skip it, but I had to get it out somewhere. Hate on me for it if you want, I’m sure someone out there will. 

“I think she could benefit from seeing a child psychiatrist.”

 I was 6 years old in 1st grade and my parents couldn’t understand it. I was always so happy. I had friends. I wasn’t “abnormal.” Sure, I was shy and sometimes overreacted but every kid is like that, right?

 I was always shy, even around most of my family. I didn’t speak much or give affection. They accused me of “not liking” them or “being rude.” What they mistook for me being a snob was anxiety. Even as a little kid I was unbelievably anxious around 99% of people and I couldn’t explain it to them.

 I didn’t talk or raise my hand in class. Ever. I didn’t sing or play games willingly unless one of my friends was there to guide me into it. It was just how I was. If I had to do anything in front of the class I’d stare at the floor and because it was elementary school, nobody really ever corrected me or forced me to stare at people.

 The one saving grace of elementary school was that I had a few very close friends and I was considered popular I suppose. My uncle worked in the school and people loved him so nobody was really gonna screw with me. Then middle school happened.

 I’ve always been overweight. To the point where my grandma J always said I should “stop eating” but then always pressured me to eat at family dinners and my aunt B always made fun of me.

 The first day of middle school (6th grade) I was alone at the bus stop and the group of 7th graders there relentlessly called me fat and made pig noises at me. I got to school and it continued all day long. I walked back to the bus at the end of the day and there they were again, hanging out the windows oinking at me. I went home crying about how I couldn’t go back and my dad screamed at me to just drop out then. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t understand.

 It continued every single day. The people I was best friends with the year before in school and all summer break turned on me to be part of the cool kids and bullied me relentlessly. I got attacked in the locker room and the teacher wouldn’t allow me to change in the bathroom. I was grabbed, groped, shoved into the lockers. None of that mattered. The school didn’t care. Nobody cared.

 I asked to go back to therapy. I went back. I got medication. My aunt K who is the most psychotic person I’ve ever met and does nothing but start drama found it in the kitchen digging through everyone’s medication and decided to call me out and show her husband. “Oh, you’re depressed? What do you have to be depressed out? Look husband’s name! A depressed teenager!” That was the day I realized that barely anyone is going to take you seriously no matter how hard you want to be taken seriously.

The bullying continued all through middle and high school. It never changed. It never faltered. The depression got worse. The anxiety got out of control. I just took it. One of the only people who understood was my grandma D and she never called it what it was, bless her for that, but every single time the school called to tell her I was “sick” she’d come get me and she’d take me home and she’d never judge me. Not once. She knew. She got it. Until my senior year of high school she almost died and was moved to a nursing home for rehabilitation and everything fell apart.

 I became a guidance office aide that year after my English teacher purposefully forced me to have an anxiety attack in front of the class and laughed about it. She thought it was hysterical to watch. So did most of the class. She was a candidate for teacher of the year that year. The big compromise was for me to get out of her class and become a guidance aide. No punishment for her.

 I walked into my guidance counselor’s office on my first day back from Christmas break of my senior year and told him that if I had to stay in that school for one more second of one more day I was going to kill myself. In all honesty, in that moment in time it was a power play with no intent but I wanted to be taken seriously and if I was forced to stay, that’s how my story would have ended. We made a deal that day that I would call my doctor and he’d let me leave. I did. He let me leave.

 You’d think it gets better here, right? That I got the help that I needed and things turned out peachy? No. I saw my doctor and she suggested a day program for teenagers. I agreed. I went. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

 I was placed in group therapy with teens who had various problems that were not anything like mine. I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. Group therapy was not the place for me. They tried to force me to talk in a room full of teens who were screaming, violent, etc. Some were transitioning from inpatient to going home. It was not the place for me.

 Another point of contention for me is I will not pee in a cup without gloves. I’m a germophobe and I will not do it. They would not let me leave for the day in the care of my parents without drug testing me, despite the fact that I was not there for drugs. I offered blood and hair. They refused. They locked me in the nurse’s office and would not let me out, despite the fact that my dad was standing right outside the door and I was 17 years old. I was crying, panicking, it got to the point where I was throwing my body into the door to get to my dad. I’d spent the entire day forced to socialize with people I was afraid of and then they trapped me. It was too much. My dad finally threatened to call the police and they let me out but it was way too much.

 That was the night I went home and tried to kill myself. I thought that the only option I had failed me or rather I failed it. I woke up the next day. That was the day I started cutting.

 I finished high school online, secretly of course, because we couldn’t tell the family that I was crazy. It would ruin my image. I walked with my class like nothing ever happened and to this day nobody knows. I kept seeing a therapist. I took medication. I abused the Ambien because I could. I stopped cutting myself. Everything wasn’t fine but it was consistent.

 I went to college looking for a fresh start. I didn’t get one there either. I had a roommate who thought it was ok have sex in my bed when I was gone. She hated me from the start because I wasn’t the school spirit sweetheart that she was. She lied and told our RA that I was suicidal after finding my medication and got me sent to the counseling center at 2am, interrogated, then left alone on the complete opposite side of campus to walk back. I left college after that.

 I found a job and an apartment. What I didn’t know was the job was only keeping people for the 3-month probationary period then firing them every 3 months like clockwork. So I lost it and had to move back home. It worked out. My health failed and I had to have my first of many surgeries. What was a 2-week recovery took 18 months of my life.

 Grandma D died shortly after that and I blamed myself. My rock was gone and it was my fault. I blamed myself for over a year. She lived right around the corner. I have a healthcare background. I should’ve checked on her. She had a visiting nurse every day who said she was fine but maybe if I had done something that morning I could’ve saved her life. She was 87 with diabetes, COPD, and heart disease, but it was my fault. At least, I thought it was.

 The following year, my great grandmother died due to hospital negligence. It wasn’t nearly as emotionally devastating but that was the year I became the rock for the family. A role I’ve taken on in spades ever since.

 A year after, my uncle committed suicide by hanging in his basement. In hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. The warning signs were there. He said his goodbyes to everyone a month before. If anyone should have seen it, it should have been me, and fuck if I didn’t miss it. I saw the body immediately after in the hospital while I held my cousin, his very pregnant daughter, in my arms while she cried. I know what that shit does to a family now. I know what I would’ve done to my family. It’s ugly and nobody ever heals from that.

 Fast forward to now. I’m 30 years old. I have a bachelor’s degree in Molecular and Cell biology. I’m still stagnant in life. I’ve lost over 100lbs. I’m still bullied. My health is still failing. I’m in crippling pain all the time. I’m staring down the barrel of another surgery that could take away another 2 weeks – 2 years of my life. Any friends I make run away. I have no love life to speak of and never have because…why would I?

 Maybe this time I’ve found the right person. Maybe this time I won’t fail the mental health system. Maybe this time the mental health system won’t fail me.

#not spn #personal #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: suicide #tw: cutting

[kairoskrp]

                                            — On the wicked wings of time, thy kingdom comes

Meet [ Kim Mihyun ]

She is a [ twenty-two ] year old  [ receptionist at magical arrangements ] currently residing in [ studio 57, #408 ]. Visit  and greet  her today!

Personality:

Mihyun’s life is getting up at 6:45 a.m. to catch the earliest bus to her job and splurging on a taxi home to avoid people. Unfortunately, her ability makes her seem like the most understanding person on the planet. She’s always there when you need a shoulder to cry on, an unbiased ear to listen to your problems. At her job, she’s the mascot, always a smile on her face. If you cross approach her reception desk, you leave feeling lighter while she’s in a daze. What a trade off. It’s not until she’s sitting at her kitchen table sipping on a cheap beer that she finally feels at ease.

Spirit: Astraea, Goddess of Innocence

Power: Empathy: The power to fully interpret and replicate the emotions, moods, and temperaments of others.

Mihyun’s power is like this: She will feel everything an individual will in an 8 in radius from her self. This includes behind her and on each side of her. When the individual removes themselves from her area, Mihyun’s is left in a daze until her own emotions come back. Her dazed state lasts for a minute. If there are multiple people, Mihyun will feel pain instead. The most common pain she is afflicted by is head aches, but the pain could also appear in her joints and muscles. The pain lasts for as long as 5 minutes and is extended by a minute until the persons leave.

Biography:

As a child, Yoona’s parents and teachers always pointed out that she was very intuitive. She would share her meals with a student that the teacher’s knew came from a poor background, or she would alert the teachers to a student that was upset before they hurt another student. In middle school, those feelings were amplified when she became the class president. In a short amount of time, Yoona was known throughout the school for her vivacious personality. She accepted her duties and worked like a perfectionist, catching details and correcting mistakes in a manner that might initially seem rude, but was needed. She couldn’t stand injustice, either. She made sure that anyone got to present their side before a decision was made. Yoona listened to every complaint and learned from them. She was beloved and she thought that feeling would last, but it didn’t.

Somehow everything was different in high school. It didn’t matter that some of her old classmates attended the same school, because they all treated her like a nuisance. Yoona’s exuberance couldn’t carry her anymore and soon she became subdued and her new attitude brought on a new constant in her life: head aches. At first, they were infrequent but then they persisted, thus her addiction to aspirin was born.

If someone had told Yoona that reaching out and making friends would almost kill her, she should have listened. She didn’t.

When the other girl confessed that her father really did own a host bar, Yoona should have left it at that, but she could feel how starved for friendship the girl was. Right then and there, Yoona vowed to stay her friend. After nearly a year, her friend finally showed her the bar. Yoona could tell her friend was nervous the moment they walked in, but she let the the small flutter of anxiety go as they sang karaoke. Until they heard a scuffle in the hall. With quick, precise movements, the friend shoved Yoona and her backpack under the table and told her to keep quiet before throwing Yoona’s snacks and soda into the trash and erased Yoona’s presence all before three men entered the room.

Yoona could tell something was wrong the moment one of the men begged her friend to help him, that he was sorry and that he’d pay them the money by the end of the week, he even latched onto her hand, but her friend stepped back and when the two bouncers told her to leave, she did so, leaving Yoona behind to witness the horrors unfolding before her. The man in the middle began to struggle and yell, his actions falling on the closed ears of his kidnappers. One of the men–this one was bigger, with a suit jacket that looked too small with a shaved head and beady eyes–held the man in an iron grip, while the other–a man who was built like a boxer, with a square jaw and a squished nose–went to a cabinet and pulled out a drop cloth and spread it on the floor. Muscles taped the cloth to the floor before snatching up a chair and placing it in the middle of the cloth, a mere foot from Yoona’s hiding place.

It wasn’t until a knife appeared in muscles’ hand that Yoona realized that they were going to kill this man. He realized it too, but missed his opportunity to run when Baldy threw him into the chair, tugged his arms behind his back, and tied them roughly with duct tape. Muscles stepped around to face the man in the chair, his intentions plain as day. The man’s whimpers grew louder, his promises becoming more and more exaggerated. The louder his wails got, the pressure grew behind Yoona’s eyes. She clamped her hands to her ears, but the mewling only got louder until it crested into a gut wrenching scream. Something bounced off the man’s thigh before plopping onto the floor. Yoona didn’t want to look closer, but some macabre force compelled her and she recognized the chunk of flesh…the man’s ear.

Before she could stop herself, Yoona darted out from under the table to the door, only to realize it was locked from the outside. Panicked, she began banging on the door, screaming for help, her tears blurring her vision and her heart crushing itself in her chest frantically with her fear. Muscle’s snatched her up in an iron grip. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears. He shook her roughly, then turned to Baldy knowing that trying to get her to talk would be impossible now. Words were exchanged, but the next two slammed into her head with crystalline clarity: kill her.

Yoona didn’t have time to comprehend the words before the knife plunged into her stomach once, twice, a third time. Her tears blurred her vision until the world was nothing but white, black, and red. Someone yelling pulled Yoona back into consciousness and she was dimly aware of the smell of rotten food and the cold ground beneath her. The florescent lights burned her eyes, a voice beckoned her to sleep, and she listened before fading back into the nothingness.

When she awoke this time, the faces of her parents greeted her. A few others milled about, the nurses were easily picked out, but the somber faced men perplexed her. When they saw she was awake, they approached. Yoona’s father tried to argue with them, but they snapped back with voices of authority, and he stood down. When the police officers (she would learn in the next few days they were actually federal agents) asked her what happened, the world shifted. The screaming man, the ear, her friend leaving her behind, the cold knife in her belly, all came roaring back. She had almost died. Yoona, no longer feeling affection for her friend, told them everything she knew–which wasn’t a lot, but enough to warrant the agents to place herself and her family into witness protection.

Initially, every thing was hard. It took Yoona a long time to adjust to being Mihyun. Took her even longer to stop jumping every time someone knocked at the door, or moved around her. Every person was a threat. Every word was entreating her to slip up and reveal herself. The only comfort seemed to come from the voice in her head, the presence that introduced itself as Astraea. Astraea informed Yoona of her power and the effects of having such a power and how the goddess–for that was what she was–decided to return to humanity after centuries of abandonment. It was strange, but needed and soon afterward Yoona, now Mihyun, made a friend. He was her sunbae that noticed her isolation and realized she needed a friend. He told her the greatest advice she had ever received: “you won’t feel this way forever, someday you will heal and the feelings of that pain will fade until they are nothing but a memory.”

He was right. Her busy body nature returned in spades, and although not every one was receptive, Mihyun still felt what they felt. When her sunbae left to travel abroad, Mihyun continued to find herself again. Slowly, but surely, she gathered her strength and when she graduated, she informed her parents that she was returning to Seoul because she was no longer going to be afraid. They fought with her, saying she couldn’t support herself. In answer, Mihyun got a job. They fought with her over where she was going to live, so she saved up money working at her mother’s soup shop, and leased an apartment. They fought her over her future, so she applied to Ewha Women’s University and was accepted. Knowing that they weren’t going to win the fight, Mihyun left Pohang, pulled by Astraea’s invisible threads.

#kr; follow #yoona #krp #tw: blood #tw: torture #tw: attempted murder #tw: mutilation #res; studio57