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saltypiss · 3 months

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Dude Elden Ring is just garbage. I tried, I really, Really, Really, did. 289.6 fucking, Hours.

This game is just not remotely fun. I don't understand why, it's this bad. I can point to so many things, but the only thing going on in the back of my mind is "People just do not have standards" and that's where it basically ends.

It's just bad. It's so fucking bad. I can't believe anyone would release this. I'd be in a feedle position with this shit out there if I made it.

It's so bad. It's just. So fucking worthlessly bad. You gain nothing from playing a game like this, like Dark Souls made me respect games, Elden Ring made me lose respect for Fromsoft. They just suck. DS2, DS3, they suck! They're fucking terrible because not a single one tried to be a good game.

It's Kaizo mario, or over the top, as marketable as possible bullshit.

I still remember feeling good defeating bosses for the first and whatever time in Dark Souls. I simply have Nothing but Apathy or Disdain after every boss in Elden Ring.

There was One. One boss fight where, I, I actually got it! It all started to make sense! The game was good! For Half the Fucking Fight when the Second Form hits and it becomes the usual garbage. Instantly, the game went from a 10/10 to 0/10 and made me fully, Completely, Give Up.

In Dark Souls when there's a challenge, I know the developer's actually fucking PLAYTESTED IT. I know the developer's DESIGNED IT. I have TRUST in the DEVELOPER'S DESIGN. Elden Ring NEVER not FUCKING ONCE gives you an OUNCE of reason to TRUST there's a fucking PURPOSE behind ANYTHING.

They slap a fucking massive fuck off mini-boss in the middle of no where, guarding a fucking strip of bacon I can buy for 200 runes. Are you fucking. Kidding me. Where's the design. Who the FUCK mapped this SHITHOLE. Why is it SO FUCKING BAD to explore, to fucking search, why is EVERYTHING a HYPER SPECIFIC fucking item I WILL NEVER use, why is ever WEAPON so fucking much WORSE than the SHIT I GOT AT THE VERY BEGINNING, WHY GIVE ME THE FUCKING METEOR STAFF THIS EARLY WHEN I'M IN THE GOLDEN TOWN OF BULLSHIT THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN ANOR LONDO AND YOU GAVE ME A WORSE STAFF! WHY!? WHO DESIGNED THIS SHIT

You try to give these fucking developer's any amount of trust and I assure you, they will CRASH THAT SHIT INSTANTLY. I remember finding this cool underground area, not that fucking stupid purple bullshit area that only looked cool once and fuckin' SUCKS to explore because there's ONE ENEMY. IN THIS ENTIRE. FUCKING. AREA. oh yeah and crabs, oh boy they played a large part in this shithole. Anyways, Not that Boring as FUCK area, but another one! And guess what! I LEAD TO THE FUCKIN BORING ARE- YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. THIS GAME SETS YOU UP TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

Every. Fucking. Turn. Disappointment. Upgrade your stats, you still, Still, need more, you needed more just to GET HERE, now it's time to GRIND because our BOSSES give 3k runes and you need 60k. Don't forget to upgrade your weapons! By Spending Hours. Looking in random fucking places, for a Scrap of it. Don't try getting those miner bells! Because we have a broke ass, garbage, impossible, Not Playtested Boss just to keep you from having ANY amount of fun!

Literally, Anytime you need something? Plan a grocery trip, you'll be done putting shit in the fridge before you reach ANY fucking location in the game you needed to. Because they think they're so cool making this massive fucking map with absolutely nothing in it, because apparently OOT didn't teach anyone that Side-Jumping Hyrule Field fucking sucks.

No, make that the majority of your game. Please. Oh and while you're "Experimenting" with your upside down level, Maybe Have It Matter? Like, You don't just Leave after getting a couple things to go underground.

Or hey, those buildings you put underground? Maybe do something with that area as well? Because as is...it's just... sad man. It's a really sad image.

I see this overworked old man who hasn't had fun since they were a toddler, desperately trying to be unique or clever after decades of a creatively bankrupt industry fucking murdering that child-like wonder, to the point that "I don't know what to do with this underground area, other than have buildings sideways that leads to the shitty, fucking, purple area again."

Like wowwwwww great area/level design for the boss here guys! MASSIVE open area where you'll use just 15% of it! What? This would've been a cool area to have some form of exploration in? But, But boss! The bigger the challenge the bigger the satisfac-

No. Never that. The funner the challenge, the bigger that challenge is and how much you match it to fun, is what will result in satisfaction.

Going against a boss too soon in Dark Souls and realizing I have alot of places to explore that Inherently Grind For Me as I go, and trains me and teaches me mechanics, getting gear, leveling stuff up after considering what would matter or help in this situation or later, really having just put in that effort, in the limited area they gave me, to get myself to the Designed and Expected amount of Resource and Training, Then, beating the boss, that's fun.

Having to grind or go to a wiki to find the smithing stone (4) isn't fun. Having to grind or summon people to distract the boss, making it actually fun pathetically enough, isn't fun overall in your SP game, you fucking idiots. Having to grind and then being stopped because there's literally no way to beat this boss without a shit ton of flasks and health and the best armor, damned be how you look, summoning, and then you have a chance maybe probably still need to grind, isn't fun.

There is no "git gud" when the game isn't fun. Dark Souls? Oh I gut gid, but ER? I'm pretty fucking solid, but I just don't give a shit. This game simply isn't fun. There's less than 0 trust to the developers because I'm Seeing Their Lack of Design being Praised as anything but Absolutely Pathetic.

This is a game that's good Once, your first playthrough, and gradually gets worse as you notice the patterns like in Fallout 4. It becomes a chore to do everything, and while you're waiting, desperately hoping that maybe this level up, or weapon upgrade, will make the difference, the game throws you a section either pathetically easy or piss hard, and ends it with a boss that's the same fucking way, no inbetween.

I just can't stand it anymore. This game was designed with Co-op in mind, Alot of people buy it for that reason. But no. No. It's a shitty SP game, because they're STUCK in a fuckin' stupid formula.

Not a good one either, I can tell you right now what their mentality and formulas are:

Make it fast, make it flashy, make it hard to follow, make it hard.

Make it big, make it sparse, make it taxing, make it pretty.

for 1, it's just for marketing. Not gameplay, think of all those streamers and YT creators, if you haven't played a Souls-Like, or even if you have, that "gameplay" (cough cough, visual presentation) looks great! Too bad it doesn't fucking feel good to play! Like at all! Unless you're some hyper-adhd type mother fucker, you can't play! But that's not enough, it has to be hard so that way people can pass off the equivalent of shooting a balloon with a dart using only your farts as something "incredible".

That's Elden Ring to me. Shooting Farts at Balloons. It's embarrassing as fuck. Genuine Shame on Fromsoft for putting this pos out there. Your "experiment" can't simply be a worse Dark Souls again like this. Do something different. Ya'll used to make fascinating FPS exploration story driven experiences, weird robot shit, and god a bunch of weird obscure titles. What happened. What happened to Experimentation with this company?

Those sideways buildings in the underground area. I think back to it. I think back to it everytime I get mad at this game. Because what I saw there, was pathetic. They put attention to the Wrong Shit, and have the equivalent of a Drive-By Shooting for unique design. Imagine exploring those buildings by falling deeper and deeper down, going up and sideways, all the unique pitfalls and ways to trick both player and enemy alike. God. There's a good idea RIGHT THERE, and instead, no, Massive, Open Area, Nonsense Bullshit. Here's 2 Enemy Types, fuck you.

And the entirety of the Poise Mechanic just pisses me off in PVE. I'm sorry but at some fucking point The Pole Fucking Snaps and it still hasn't even vibrated.

Run in. Attack Once. Roll away, Roll Away, run back, Attack, Once. Roll Away. Roll...Awa-......

Boring. I've honest to god, Fallen the FUCK TO SLEEP playing this game before. I've Never, Not Once, fallen asleep at my fuckin KEYBOARD playing a game. That's how much I just hate this shit. It numbs the brain and then expects hyper attention and action for the smallest of enemies like BRO, give me a fucking Second to Think.

The reason Dark Souls is just better, comes down to the fact that the game isn't expecting split second decisions every god damn turn. You're eventually Allowed to just do damage trading to get by. ER just expects damage trading, but it doesn't design anything around that, so instead it's designed around Never taking damage, while the camera is so zoomed the fuck in, there's enemies coming from behind you can't POSSIBLY expect to react to, enemies behind walls that attack instantly, like man, this sucks. I've seen this all before, Done Better. In a Better Game.

I'm willing to bet that over Half the game is walking or standing still, looking for somewhere to go. 289 hours genuinely doesn't even sound remotely right. I remember so, fucking, little, about this game anymore other than how bad everything is.

Visually too! It's just bad! Why does it need all this detail when you do NOTHING with it! You repeat the same looking shit over and over and over my GOD it's 2020 whatever the FUCK. Stake of Maria, that little Summon Statue, hell, even the rune/bonfires are worse because they're so damn generic. And they're fucking. Everywhere. My god dude when you have to put a site of grace within view of another site of grace? You fucked up. Fix the Level Design.

I'm just astonished at every turn, the limitations feel artificial, like, "this is how souls like be, so shall we" like no, make something interesting, something unique, something GOOD!

This game so badly wants to be a generic open world hack and slash but it's forced into a box of souls-like completely not by choice of it's soul, but by choice of it's uninspired company/developer(s). I don't know if I should blame corporate or poor leadership or just a genuinely unpleasant atmosphere or what. But man. Move the fuck ON from Souls-Likes, give other people a chance to work upon what you have, and THEN come back.

I don't even know why anyone wants DLC for Elden Ring, like, it's just gonna be an extension of what's already here. Wh- What is there to be excited about??? More Tiny Ass unique places that are untouched, used as a hallway back to the boring bigger hallway?

That's the worst part, it's like someone said "people said the inter-connectivity of DS was cool and good, so we should do that!" and then as lazily as possible, made an underground section, and called it a day after slapping entrances where-ever the map lined up. It's just embarrassing man.

The main thing I've taken from this game, is that it's a great platform to get people to play Dark Souls. Because that's what happened with me, eventually the game just stopped being even slightly fun, that new game smell turning to a rotting odor. And bada-bing bada-boom, I'm now forever poisoned with the Dark Souls curse where, every game I'm going "Bro, who DESIGNED this shit" instead of "Bro This is so Well Designed!"

Ya can't just...Slap shit at random...and not...playtest, or...care. or try.

God I hate Elden Ring. It feels like an E.A. Open World game that hasn't added the Multiplayer Update yet.