#socialization makes me so irritable

[bpdohwhatajoy]

Me cozied up watching one of my special interest shows while I avoid even the slightest bit of human contact

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #special interests #memes #autism memes #socialization makes me so irritable #genuinely I do not want to talk with anyone #but a lot of people make me feel obligated to so I force myself to #and end up irritated #I gotta work at distancing myself more for my sake

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

really wish my one friend would quit flirting with me. and trying to goad me into hanging out more. and assigning us fictional characters that are oh-so-coincidently either couples or with romantic tension. and then interrupting our gameplay to ask me repeatedly if I think they’re “like us” (which they rarely are…). and matching my icon on discord without asking (again, usually by insinuating a couple connection). and giving me random things I do not want and did not ask to receive (and then forcing me to take them???).

#storyrambles #it’s not creepy. just for context. it’s just irritating because I’ve told this person repeatedly that I’m not interested in romance. #this person is also naturally a huge romantic so it is next to impossible to tell whether it’s actual flirtation or just flirting for fun #flirting for fun is cool. I wouldn’t mind that. but if I do it once this person will take that as an invitation to do it an excessive amoun #but yeah after being given 12 roses out of the blue when I said ‘no don’t buy me flowers’. there’s only so many things that can mean #‘it’s nice to see your face you always cover it!’ …I’m masking. because of covid #I’m narrating a game and suddenly ‘I like hearing your voice I should call you every day so I can hear it for 10 minutes’. …no. #‘you have to take the snack I brought you know it’s rude to refuse a gift’ I have never refused a gift. It is rude. But also I didn’t ask. #‘you know this game is one you can play without talking so we can play more often!’ we already play games once a week for usually 3 hours. #‘but it’s not talking so it’s less social energy’ no. that is not how it works. #sorry for the rant im just. tired. #you know those people who are so pleasant to hang out with and then they try way too hard #and that’s actually what makes things awkward? rather than when they’re just being themselves? #yeah. that’s this friend here. #usually I go along with the bit but when I can never tell when the bit is actually a bit #and you insist on me taking on the ‘girl role’ for most of them #I am not going to play along. #UGH don’t get me started on the ‘you’re cute when you’re flustered’ #I wasn’t even flustered. I was trying to do mental math while running on four hours of sleep and he was staring directly at me #it’s uncomfortable. #also. I never want to hear that again. fuck. ‘you’re cute when you’re angry’ ‘you’re cute when you’re upset’ ALL THE FUCKING TIME AS A KID #will I be so cute after I kick you in the nuts? will I? #(for clarity I don’t want to kick him. I want to kick those other people.) #I need a lot of alone time. I really do. I can do 3 hours and then I will be drained for the rest of the day. #‘how did you grow up? did you not talk to your mom for more than 3 hours a day?’ #first of all. that’s different? #secondly we actually regularly do separate things without talking to each other. or go in separate rooms to take some time to ourselves #also I don’t have to be on high alert for if I’m going to be flirted with. so. #ugh. I like him as a friend. I really do. I know this all makes it seem like the opposite. I try so hard to be as nice as possible. #but UGHHHHHH

[running-in-the-dark]

had one very short interaction with my mother-in-law and once again I think I won't get through living here until the end of March :)

#she drives me insane #she asked something. I answered. she goes 'okAaaAayyyy?' in the most irritating tone ever. #like what is wrong with you. what. #she's so fucking irritating. truly the most joyless serious bitter person I have ever met (and I have met my mother so...... that's saying #something) #it's just. man social interaction is already so difficult but she just. makes EVERYTHING weird. #literally dude all I said was that yes everything's great with me and the cats 👍 how ELSE was I supposed to respond to that?? #I know I'm overthinking it and being a horrible ungrateful little bitch but god I just can't stand her #I don't CARE what they do for us I still just don't like them 😭 yes I know I'm the worst 😭 #my husband had to promise me that I won't have to see them more than twice a year once we move. I just. they drain every last bit of life #and joy and happiness out of everything #drives me insane #anyway I'm done being an asshole for now #been trying to take a tumblr break but where else would I complain about this. #personal

[manasurge]

.

#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity #am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about #i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy #why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies #this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most #i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out #it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself #i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk #also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it- #- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop #i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me #not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE #no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me. #not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse #but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about #-everything lmao #stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse #delete later probably idk lmao

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel uninspired and lack motivation for art again so I thought of an ask game for me :)

Send me(or comment) a number from 1-34 and I will draw my corresponding oc

I mentally struggled over whether I should make this post, because ik ocs are niche and probably not many people care for it, but I realized I could have been using those hours to y'know. Actually draw something. So I might as well just post it

#i would do it with AUs but i would actually have to yknow think of a narrative #<- but tbh if you have any requests for au art i will take them 😭😭 #also w that and this i cant make any promises if ill actually finish them so please put up w me thanks 🙏 #i want to draw but #ive gotten into a bad mindset again #about measuring self worth w outside validation #which is very irritating 😾 stop it brain. #but yeah idk i reblog those posts often abt niche audiences #which im very okay w btw :) #but its still a very difficult thing to engrain that: ah people do care for my art! #and ik its unhealthy to seek validation #and i can and do draw for myself #but its not always fun to me if i cant discuss it yknow :/ #if catie makes a piece of art in a silent room does the art really exist? blah blah blah #i need to go suffocate myself in the snow #im happy my winter break is so long but at the same time i think it just puts me in a bad place mentally #lack of social interaction and lack of enrichment and no motivation ig :/ #and every night i mean to actually go to bed earlier and boom suddenly its 5 am #and i keep staying up in hopes ill actually yknow start something. art. writing. movie even #and then i just languish UGH #catie.rambling.txt

[mossflower]

loki season two has me screaming crying throwing up trying not to get dragged back into the mcu trenches

#i am stronger than this. i am better than this!! #by the trenches i mean consuming fanfiction at an unhealthy rate. fourteen year old me was insane i think i was on ao3 more than i slept #that’s not exaggeration. i was getting four hours of sleep on school nights and frequently went to bed at 5am on weekends #it is ONE good story. one. literally not worth it. i don’t even care about ninety percent of the mcu characters #i will ignore the little voice in my head reminding of the sheer amount of fanfiction. this was my pre-tumblr days #so my fandom interaction was like. youtube and ao3. maybe instagram posts sometimes. it was so much fun like. zero drama zero discourse #i was honestly living my best life. got less interested when i joined tumblr and went full doctor who mode #and after endgame i watched i think wandavision and loki and that was it. just didnt care anymore lol #i know exactly why this is happening tho. currently the thing i am insane about is my own damn project. which i am in the process of writin #for obvious reasons no fandom there. bc it lives in my mind twenty four fucking seven #i do wonder if i’m kind of growing away from fandom anyway? the closest i’ve got since toh ended was homestuck tbh #i want to feel obsessed with something again!! everything i’m into now - tma tlt and the like - i love them #but it doesnt hit like it used to. i don’t know it’s hard to explain #like video essays that i would have loved a few years ago!! the hour long ones about representation and queer media #they just irritate me now! i got halfway through one last week and had to bail i just could not care less #how did 2020 social media have me convinced that x character being gay was super important politically economically socially etc #ofc the answer is that i was a baby lesbian getting even less social interaction than normal #like representation is important obviously but also. sometimes it was not that deep #i don’t know if i’m making sense tbh but you get my drift #morganposting

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

tbh i think one of the biggest things they could have done to make five and nine hate each other without bullying or bigotry involved would have been to lean into the thing where some adhdtistics naturally vibe, whereas others have an incompatible combination of nd traits that make them viscerally unable stand each other, and go from there

#lorien legacies #LL number five #LL number nine #like nine is very obviously coded adhd but he is also autistic as hell #and. gestures at five #this is also why canon!nine's brand of lying about things and getting his behavior excused as being 'bad at signals' #when that's Not What's Actually Happening irritates me #they could have even included elements of some of the others being a little too defensive of his behavior at five's expense #without it just being 'lol bully the fat autistic kid' #if they're used to accounting for the fact that nine is neurodivergent and having a Hard Time of It #in ways that make it easy to assume he's just a dickhead when he really genuinely does not realize or understand that's how he comes across #and/or is exhausted and defensive that he has to try constantly and /so hard/ NOT to come across that way #and feels like he's being fucked with when people correct him constantly #because 'that doesn't sound right but i don't know enough about social skills to dispute it' #and is also increasingly bitter at feeling like 'why the fuck should /i/ have to be the one to change everything about how i act' #'why can't people at least try to meet me in the middle for once. fuck this' #all compounded by brain damage from extended solitary confinement and physical TBIs #and it becomes more understandable for the others to kneejerk toward accommodating his access needs before five's when they conflict #while also y'know. being significantly less assholess toward five in general; and in fact treating him a lot less shittily BECAUSE they #have experience with not judging people for initially being awkward and kind of insensitive or seemingly abrasive #or just behaving in ways that seem Weird. it's still a blind spot that they favor nine here but they're not being ableist pieces of shit #nor are they trying to shut him up about abuse and force him to Get Used to It #anyway lots of thoughts about this need to write up posts etc #LL tag #ableism cw #dyn: lost boys

[beatcroc]

did the old tumblr live toggle actually work for yall? mine literally never has lmao

#on a more serious note. ive said before but it really is so disheartening how much this site is going to shit #saw a comment that said staff was like ''changes will continue until revenue improves'' which i dont know if is 100% legit but #I'D certainly believe it. and in which case. god if that isn't the darkest death knell possible. #esp. for me bc like. this is the only social media site ive ever really used #it has such a unique layout and i really enjoy working with it for what it is #most of the stuff i make is made to be posted On Tumblr and doesn't really work anywhere else #like wrt to how i format comics and writing for here [and askblogs formerly :p] #like yeah i could migrate and yeah i could figure out other ways to present stuff but i don't want to! i like doing it like this! #and then theres the whole losing audience thing or whatever like fine. irritating sure but ultimately does not matter i'll still make stuff #it's mostly just frustrating bc this year has been the best i've made use of tumblr formatting and most ive enjoyed doing so #and strongest it's been received!...all while continually falling apart around itself #like RIGHT as i hit my stride you know. if i was already past my prime with it it'd still be annoying but whatever its bound to happen #but like right now!!!! come on dude. #bweeeaaahh

[steelycunt]

who on god’s green earth does a fifteen hundred word essay word limit serve i would just like to know . 🚬.

#like you’d think oh the professors because they have less to read. but then they make more work for themselves by giving you all this #feedback about stuff you didn’t include and should’ve expanded on as if they didn’t give you. 1500 words. what topic can be tackled in 1500 #words if you want well written answers to your essay questions who in their right minds sets a 1500 word essay. #and the topics are always ridiculous like omg solve climate change. explain the institutional developments of the US since the constitution. #apply marxism to IR with reference to these seven different topics we require you to cover. in 1500 words. i hope you die #and it wouldn’t even be so bad if they acknowledged the word count limitations in your feedback but they’re all like umm. 😂 you didn’t #include X? 😂 you didn’t expand on Y 😂 YEAH AND YOU KNOW WHY. #sorry. Gosh. cunts. it irritates me it truly does…anyway looking forward to covering the entirety of socialism in the US in 1500 words 👍🏽 #(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again

[feral-and-or-horny]

I am the sexiest and most competent barista in this coffeshop

#not counting my boss #but he only fills in when theres a lot of customers #also I only genuinely dislike one of my coworkers #he's real bad with social cues #which is mildly irritating at worst #but then he alao completely ignores boundaries and starts trauma dumping on me while im trying to make a chai latte on my own #becauase he barely touches anything resembling his job outside of food orders #also he never calls out orders and i was working the steamer today #so i ended up being slower than i should because i had to wait for him to remember to print out the ticket to know what i needed to do #like???? it ist hard????? #you just read the damn ticket! #how much work is it to read 'double shot 24oz chai latte' aloud???? #also hes *always* in the way #he somehow manages to stand in front of whatever I need almost every time #but anyways im kicking ass and like all my other coworkers plenty so far #my post

[periprose]

why do people on instagram unfollow but assume you want to keep following them? you're not fucking famous lol

#like full offense: if you are unfollowing me it's probably because you dont care about me or want to keep up w me #and it goes both ways right #i follow many people from high school i just dont give a shit about #and i think it would be so easy to just press the remove follower button #meaning that neither of us are following each other anymore! #instead people think that having a higher follower count than who theyre following makes them #famous lol #honestly i barely use instagram as it is and im not a popular or social person #but goddamn these people are so fucking irritating and fake like just. stop pretending you actually have 1000 followers #when most of them are people you knew as a kid and decided that they were now one of your devoted fans #like jesus it just makes me feel weird and small #i know social media isnt real but wow to literally be reduced to a number?? #i feel like social media has completely removed how people think about each other as people #in the end everyone just ends up being a side character or an npc #also im not saying these people are malicious or that they hate me #but i really just hate how shallow instagram tends to be #might just delete it someday

[kn11ves]

im sick to death of hearing teachers complaining about their students on social media. first if all i dont think you should at all be complaining if theres even a CHANCE that it can be traced back to you if you are complaining about your students, children are extremely fragile and if they hear what you say that could haunt them for the rest of their lives. and now we have fuckjng podcasts and video shorts of teachers telling fucking stories of their bad experiences with *kids* when they were teaching. I HOPE YOU NEVER WORK IN CHILD CARE AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? its INSANE. and i just seent this bitch ACTUALLY FILM INSIDE OF HER CLASSROOM AND COMPLAIN ABOUT HER STUDENTS. ARE YOU INSANE. I HOPE YOU GET FIRED.

#i will literally always care a million times more over the childs life and health than the teachers burnt out #how are you going to record yourself in your classroom and talk to tiktok (mind you ive seen this woman's videos before and her students #KNOW she has a tiktok page and she talks to them about it) #about how your students were ''so disrespectful'' when they had a subtitude. like are you insane. youre filming in your school about your #current students. if i was a parent i would literally do everything in my power to make all of the parents aware that she was doing that to #their children #not any amount of burnt out and irritation grants you the right to go and complain about children put in your care who trust you and who #youre meant to watch over. being a teacher means literally the entire world to me and it doesnt matter how bad a kid is i cant ever imagine #myself going to ridicule them online for all of my followers. its so horrible i have no idea how you could do that to a child its so #disgusting its insane. #she literally is friends w a bunch of other trash ass teachers on tiktok too they literally had a controversy because they were bitching #about special ed kids needing help in school and calling them stupid. i wish they would never work with children again. it makes me so mad. #(meant to watch over on a social media post*) (i love not finishing typing a thought before starting to write the next)

[weenhands]

.

#think i’m going thru it rn i feel frozen and the sound of someone’s phone binging literally made me jump and i can’t stop twiddling #w my fingers. sometimes i kinda wish i had a separate blog where i can just discuss social/sensory difficulties because i feel like i talk #about them too much here #i’m just paying more attention to it again so i can really understand #because i have imposter syndrome #but lately i’m really realizing how not normal any of this is #it’s only recent that i’ve self diagnosed #and yeah idk i just feel like im not here and things are making me jump or indescribably irritated

[pensiveant]

The "cool" part about having insane ideas about Clealiness beat into me since I was an infant is that no matter how deep or dark the pits of depression I'm stuck in, I always find it in me to get up to take a shower, change my clothes, etc. Even if I don't do anything else all day, even if I don't eat or sleep or talk to anyone, I have to wash up every day no matter what. And if for whatever reason I'm not able to, it's a very distressing and uncomfortable experience and all I'm able to focus on. Because being Dirty TM is worse than death, worse than any imaginable fate.

#just a fun little bit of eli lore that no therapist has been able to pull out of me before #i thought i was going to be so Brave and go to sleep without showering (i took a shower this morning) #but alas it was just hours of thrashing in bed and feeling uncomfortable #the mental eelness won again 😔 #i pet thy head foul beast #i hate to be a stereotypical ocd haver but in my defense it's NOT about germs and disease to me #idc about that #it's entirely. social i guess #being perceived as gross and disgusting and filthy and repulsive #which makes me insaneeeeee #i can't even blame it all on my [redacted] i think my brain was just very prone to this kind of obsession idk #but it certainly didn't help. especially as a kid #sooo many instances of other ppl being confused and irritated with me for having breakdown over a tiny little stain or smth #but they didn't know 🙃 nobody cared to know 🙃 #anyway that's all for today #(also this isn't like. a judgement of other people's personal hygiene and habits just to be clear. this is very much not normal im aware)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[ishizizzle]

my work crush has a girlfriend

#it me #work crush #unrequited feelings #i already knew that! i figured! I figured lol I just stopped caring bc it wasn't confirmed #but my friend said she saw her and i dont want to investigate further or hear it from the source #bc its just a work crush and we're just friends. i already knew all that i was #just living in a fantasy where it didnt matter. that's the fun of a work crush for me: escapism #but now I'm mad at myself or irritated with idk but i just #nah i just really dont know. I'll get some emotions bubbling to the surface but ultimately nothing #its not like i lost a friend or reality isnt real maybe I'm just tired of being single #but then I'm trying to make friends and be social again and they keep asking me why I'm quiet... #idk girl I'm just not loud like I'm like I've been myself the whole time there's no secret 3rd thing #but making friends tires me out so a bf would probably tire me out too and itd be a repeating cycle #that I'm trying to avoid now that I've moved back home