#social isolation somewhat well I think all things considered. and i think i am handling the qpp thing very well honestly

[bookspined]

❝ that’s all history is after all: scar tissue. ❞

{ cis-man, he/him }  huh, who’s FROY GUTIERREZ? no, you’re mistaken, that’s actually SCORPIUS MALFOY. he is a TWENTY-TWO year old PUREBLOOD wizard who is A HEALING APPRENTICE. he is known for being CAPTIOUS, RETICENT, FACETIOUS, DISMISSIVE, and DRAMATIC but also RESOURCEFUL, CONSCIENTIOUS, FERVENT, INNOVATIVE, and OBSERVANT, so that must be why he always reminds me of the song IN DREAMS BY BEN HOWARD. i hear he is aligned with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, so be sure to keep an eye on him. { merry, 24, gmt, she/they }

CHARACTER PARALLELS: Amy Santiago (B99), Claire Temple (Daredevil), Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place), Giles (Buffy TVS), Michelle Jones (MCU), Simon Tam (Firefly), Elizabeth Swan (PoTC), Spock (Star Trek), Clarke Griffin (The 100), Harley Keener (MCU), Gregory House (House) suggested honorable mention Gizmo (Gremlins) 

pinterest [blood, medical imagery tw]

wanted connection ideas

Full Name: Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy Gender/Pronouns: Cis man | he/him Age: Twenty-three Birthdate: January 20th Parents: Draco Lucius Malfoy & Astoria Céline Malfoy (née Greengrass) [Not biologically Astoria’s due to her health, if you ever point this out he’ll flay your eyeballs] Siblings: N/A. Birth place: St. Mungo’s Hospital, England Height: 5’11” Weight: 56 kg Sexual/Romantic Orientation: Demiromantic Bisexual Nationality: British Body Alterations/Marks: A ragged diamond shape scar at the base of his throat.

Blood Status: Pureblood Hogwarts House: Slytherin Wand Arm: Right Pet: His pet toad, Jarvis, recently passed away. Patronus: Arctic Fox Wand: 11 2/3 inches, Willow, Supple, Dragon Heartstring.

Willow is an uncommon wand wood with healing power, I have noted that the ideal owner for a willow wand often has some (usually unwarranted) insecurity, however well they may try and hide it. While many confident customers insist on trying a willow wand (attracted by their handsome appearance and well-founded reputation for enabling advanced, non-verbal magic) my willow wands have consistently selected those of greatest potential, rather than those who feel they have little to learn. It has always been a proverb in my family that he who has furthest to travel will go fastest with willow.

Personality Traits: Brilliance, innovative, empathetic, individuality, openness, social consciousness, inventive, logical, practical skills and self assertion; lack of attachment to people outside his circle and the “real world,” over-intellectualizing of the emotions, dismissive, anxious, crotchety tempered, facetious, rigid, prone to self-isolation, intellectual arrogance, and stubborn. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius/Capricorn Cusp Moral Alignment: Neutral Good Core values: Loyalty, Knowledge, Hope Four temperaments: Melancholic  

HOGWARTS HOUSE ANALYSIS

Slytherin Primary and a Burned Ravenclaw Secondary.

Slytherin Primaries prioritize their own selves and loved ones first. Slytherins don’t feel guilty or selfish about this– they feel righteous and moral. The most important thing is to look after your own. Abandoning or hurting one of your own is the worst thing you can do.

A Burned Ravenclaw Secondary might want to be skilled, curious, and prepared, but they feel like they are (or like people think they are) limited, clumsy, or inconstant. Gathering knowledge, hobbies, skills, or tools is the right way to achieve their goals, but Burned Ravenclaws know that’s not going to work within their capabilities. So they take other paths and use other tools– maybe a Gryffindor’s bluntness, a Slytherin’s flexibility, or a Hufflepuff’s slow and steady dedication.

You may have a Hufflepuff Secondary Model.

Hufflepuff is the House of grit, reliability, and determination, and Hufflepuffs use those values to help live, act, and succeed. If you model Hufflepuff Secondary, you also value these things and like to live by them. You like to be hardworking, dedicated, and consistent– but you wouldn’t feel guilty for abandoning those values in the service of other, higher priorities. If there’s another, easier way to get what you want– you’d take it. You think hard work provides valuable rewards– and those rewards are why you work. The work doesn’t have persuasive value in itself.

Despite his very best resistance he’s always been pretty empathetic in nature, he tries to rule his emotions as well as he can but fails more often than not. He was always one of those toddlers that if another kid started crying he’d be right along with them, not because he wanted attention but because he just couldn’t not. A bit of a crybaby, has researched how to magically seal up his tear ducts. Obviously managed to keep the family’s flair for the dramatic there as well. After a few years he leant into the sarcastic vague-snobbishness to hide the core of overwhelming anxiety.

Just managed to scrape through his schooling with nearly all top grades, this isn’t really due to him being a model student. He has always accrued information with a voracious appetite. Any knowledge he could find, even if most people would consider it entirely useless. His mind clicks into that place? You can’t keep him away. However, when there is not an immediate stir of interest on his approach to a topic he has to fight with himself tooth and nail to carry on. 

Predictably found exam season highly stressful, was never open about it but was quietly competitive and silently smug over his good grades. Could comprehend well above his reading level from an early age and would often look into experimental research and complicated magic but found himself lost in OWL level History of Magic when chapter upon chapter lay ahead of him about something that didn’t catch his interest. Some people he beat just to spite cause he hates them. It worked, whatever.

Tends toward introversion and finds himself tired sometimes quite easily by a large amount of social interaction. Witty and big-mouthed when he feels comfortable or is in the presence of those that embolden him and very likely to get flustered and snap at people when things are becoming a bit too much. Especially if he feels however unjustly that someone is blocking his escape. Has matured slightly in this since leaving school but it happens still, he’s just anxious. Quite fickle and can at the drop of a hat decide that he’s done with you for the day once his Give Me Attention Meter is maxed. Could be an absolute bloody brat when he felt like it but feels he has grown out of it, which he mostly has.

Always been very, very aware of many people’s distrust of him and his family, he used to sneer and play it up if anyone tried to bring up his dad and go on the offensive but was genuinely affected quite deeply by it all. In his early school years, despite his weakness to the cold, he constantly had his sleeves rolled up to the elbow so that his blank forearm was bared as a statement to just about everyone. I am not marked, I never will be. Now he’s older he has more of a handle on things and can be diplomatic in situations where people are clearly discomforted by his presence and his family history.

Even though the war culminated far earlier in this verse I imagine Scor would have had to have been relatively sheltered as a child if not for how emotionally sensitive and prone to periods of ill-health he was, it was definitely for his own safety. He is still the grandson of a known high-ranking Death Eater and that made him a media target and put one on his back for anyone else that might happen to be watching. 

Never produced much of a talent for offensive magic and wouldn’t resort to those methods unless he had literally no other choice, not a front line fighter by any means. His talents with strategy, potion-making, healing and his perseverance with defensive magic are what define him to the Order. While everyone kind of knows who he hung out with at school and who his friends are he is deliberately very mischievous with releasing rumours and misleading people. He deliberately keeps his cards very close to his chest so most people don’t know that he is aligned with anyone, he usually uses glamours or a scarf to conceal his identity if he has to. 

While he is knowledgeable about healing and anatomy, he is the WORST at taking care of himself. The literal embodiment of Healers make the worst patients, tends to forgo sleep and basic bodily needs if he’s locked into what he’s focusing on. Sometimes needs reminders to sleep and eat, like a child. 

Healing is the most satisfying part of his life and he would never give it up, he likes to experiment as he has a fascination with magic and muggle science and where they might intersect. A fucking nerd honestly. While he thinks he’s being fairly subtle about it a large part of his academic life has been doused in research into blood maledictions, for obvious reasons. He does his best not to flutter too obviously around his Mum. She is capable and ten times stronger than he is. 

Lives in a small studio flat in Diagon Alley that is mostly stacks of books and makeshift shelves.

the stillness of the world the moment you take the first step into fresh snow, cashmere and fine wool, the pearlescence of dreamless sleep draught, the scratch of a quill on parchment, faintly tremoring fingers, a shiver up your spine in a warm room, the exhilaration of a problem solved, a thunderous grey overcast sky, the bite of a stitching charm, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, petrichor, the burn in your eyes before a well of tears.

Always had somewhat fragile health tending toward sickly. Hands are never warm, his existence is an endless heat seeking mission. 

Went to one Slug Club meeting and used his time to verbally berate and or challenge most of the contacts in attendance, he was not asked to return. 

Potions Club, Charms Club, used to sometimes be willing to be dragged to Dueling Club but didn’t enjoy himself. 

Plays quite a bit of chess.

Bruises like a fucking peach and scars so easily.

Views quidditch as a good fly spoiled. 

Is a very skilled pianist almost entirely due to his Grandmother’s tutelage. 

Surprisingly great with children/toddlers/babies, no one including himself expected this, he mostly feared them beforehand. 

Bit of a mummy’s boy in that he practically GLOWS when people talk of Astoria’s achievements. 

When he has time off from healing he will have chipped black nail varnish on. 

Highly intelligent but rarely manages to match a pair of socks, chews his quills but no one else’s. 

While very eloquent and well spoken, he is markedly less posh than when he first arrived at Hogwarts.

When he isn’t prone to bouts of insomnia he can take a nap pretty much anywhere. He was once found in a tree after several frantic hours search.

[ CREDIT : CHARACTER PSD template by @karmahelper (defunct url) I tried to find a current social this week by messaging around but couldn’t find anything unfortunately. Forgot to copy this over from the google doc! ]

#potterintro #finally #sorry if this is missing anything

[lilmajorshawty]

The isolated Lovers : Saturn in the 5th & 11th

(Billie Eilish - Bitches Broken Hearts)

I think Saturn in the 5th and Saturn in the 11th people are the hardest to get to know. Saturn in the 5th can take intimacy as a whole extremely serious which makes it harder for potential love interest to decipher whether or not your actions make a difference with them. Saturn in the 11th housers take their futures and long term goals seriously so it can seem as if they have a countinuous high growing wall of separation to those who are trying to become their friends or invite them into a social circle and or group. Saturn in the 5th housers can seem more stoic and somber than a Capricorn sun. And Saturn In the 11th housers can seem more detached and impersonal than Aquarius moons.

To get close to these individuals takes TIME! Instant gratification types won’t work well with these people as they need time to get comfortable with the idea of YOU. They don’t jump into any type of commitment no matter what or how good it seems on the onset. Both of these types of people think about long term and wether or not what the person is offering them will stand the test of time.

Saturn in the 5th: “I want love that wakes up with me even when the dirt lays utop my bones”

Winning them over is difficult but a good starting point is being consistent! Be open about your feelings for them as well as even if they do know how you feel, depending on what point in their life you catch them they might’ve been through quite a bit that’s made them very mature so reading in between the lines is childish to them! They prefer direct people who are straight up about what they want and how they feel! So do not be afraid to be straight up and tell them.

Part two: they don’t start relationships off the bat and it may be quite sometimes(and on their time at that) until they decide to start or make the relationship start. This is because they LOVEE stability and foundation and they want to build something that’s stable and will last! So they will test your level of maturity, your reliability, your commitment and honesty and will likely REALLY observe how invested you are in your feelings! Many feel as though feelings change and because of this they refuse to trust any display of “I like you” and so on. They need action to really solidify things. So it may sound boring but stick with it! Be patient! Be sturdy and most importantly be your bubbly and or serious self! Don’t alter your personality for them! Trust! They enjoy you being yourself! They mainly just observe your dedication and depth as to wether or not they want to take your offer seriously. These are some of the most INTIMATE and caring lovers you can ever have! They would sacrifice and move worlds for you! It’s up to you if you’re willing to stick around the training wheels phase.

Part three: the training wheels phase can last awhile! Unlike Saturn in the 11th though you won’t be waiting for your whole life. It could simply be months or a year depending on who you are and who the person is. That being said! If they give you their time, isolate themselves, get a tad bit more serious and dry or even let you know things about their personal life that causes them to take things slow then they have feelings for you and you’ve likely tugged their heart strings in a way! Good for you :). So just stay confident and positive and they’ll soon open up even more but this time on a deeper emotional level! These natives are very romantic and traditional in their approach but man oh man will they give you everything they have! They tend to make their love interest their world so they often times take quite a bit of time to make sure they are healthy emotionally to handle such a deep commitment.

Saturn in the 11th house: “I want to be seen...really seen, seen for what I am, not what they want me to be”

These people are naturally detached and have a streak of impersonal approaches to people and society as a whole. To some people this impersonal attitude can seem like a magnet or attraction as they have no problem at attracting admirers, friends and lovers alike. That being said these people tend to be Hard as hell to get close too, dare I say even more so then Saturn in the 5th. They don’t like intimacy mainly because they’d have to be vulnerable and show their soft parts, the parts they work so hard to hide. Friendships tend to be an area of seriousness for them because they’ve been so used and taken advantage of by others as they grew up. These natives learn early on not to trust the situations that seem so easy and fun, they aren’t the types to hold tight to people for long and have no problem letting people go or moving on as if it were absolutely nothing. It may seem harsh but these people simply just don’t need you and won’t pretend like they do, they are far beyond that. If you intend to get close to them you have to understand Saturn isn’t uncomfortable in the house of Aquarius! Saturn co rules Aquarius after all. These natives value authenticity and stability. They are tremendously goofy and spacious individuals who are actually pretty dark and ingenious! They crave being able to express their true selves around people who understand and somewhat relate to their crazy out there personalities. Because of this they tend to have high standards for long term friendships and tend to take a few years before really considering someone even a “friend”

Part one: these people don’t consider people best friends and hardly throw the word around unless they’ve known the person near damn their whole life. These people can become very detached the more someone tries to become more intimate or get closer to them on a friendship level. They tend to loathe a lack of a connection and of they ever feel as though they have to pretend or wear a face to be around you they won’t readily consider you as a friend and dare I say they might never. To get close to them you have to understand that they want to be accepted for who they are and not who you want them to be! They instinctually people please so getting to know them is not triggering this response out of them! Be as goofy and “yourself” as you possibly can! Much like Saturn in the 5th these people want to see someone’s most authentic self and someone who is faking it or wearing mask and playing mental gymnastics won’t really fit because the 11th house Saturn native will reply by simply being fake and superficial in response.

Part two: they can be incredibly intimate and VERY PROTECTIVE AND LOVING friends who accept their lovers and friends for all that they are flaws and all! But the one issue here is that they can lack the ability to fake it or be artificial for too long. They like real and can have a very serious and mature view about what real community looks like, what real friendship and acceptance looks like! So if they ever get the vibe that your specific social group lacks foundation and proper knowledge they might write it off, if your offer for friendship seems forged in “I’m lonely and you’re available” they’ll be kind and sweet but they’ll never let you in emotionally. If you want them for their bodies or what they give to you on an emotional level as a lover, you’ll never really have them or know them on any level deeper than a kiss. They are people who crave a long term group or friendships that they can truly

Love and enjoy but most times they don’t get this and remarkably they attract a lot of older or Capricorn like friends who adore their company! They can seem sooooo tasty to the world because of their bubbly and lovely personality, their ability to read through people and their acceptance of others of all walks of life. That being said they don’t know how to pretend.. they can’t

Part three : to be close to these natives is more simple than you think. It’s about being yourself and knowing yourself. These natives have very good self awareness and from an early age they are able to self reflect and understand who they are. Because of this quality they look for self assured and stable friends who have a far out and rather open and free spirited nature. If you’re insecure then these might not be the friends for you. If you’re possessive and untrusting these might not be the people for you. If you’re shallow and vain then these won’t be the people for you. They adore people who are comfy with themselves and who are mature with a fun little mixture of unique and individualistic! Many love loner types and are ones themselves! If you have your eye on one platonically or romantically understand that the friendship won’t start over night! There will be withdrawal periods and times where they seem rather serious and detached and maybe even disappear of the grid multiple times but as the years pass you’ll notice they become more responsive, reliable and deeply caring and understanding. They are loyal as hell and will ride for their friends but it takes time to get there and it’s a ride you’ll have to stick through.

I’ve noticed that people with these Saturn placements tend to be drawn to one another and or they tend to have a very strong connection. Saturn in the 5th housers understand the need to be seen in Saturn in the 11th housers, the need to be accepted and understood, but they also understand the need for something real and Honest. Saturn in the 11th housers understand the 5th house Saturn natives need for privacy, integrity and stability. They understand their need for real intimacy and real deep compassion and depth. This is one of my favorite natal connections between two people! Almost second to someone with Pluto in the 6th falling for someone with Pluto in the 2nd. That being said, I sometimes believe that Saturn in the 11th housers do prefer to be alone as opposed to being with another person. It’s not out of being promiscuous or unable to settle down, rather it’s the inner revelation that no body will ever really “see” them.

This is is just a preview of the upcoming Saturn in the houses post. I will be redoing these two house placements in the post as well but I wanted to give them a private separate write up. The movie end of the f***ing world is a heavily saturnain movie and I do believe both of them had these two placements. Which is why they were so deeply magnetized to one another. But maybe why in the end he was the one running off and she the one caught(safely). And his status left rather ambiguous towards the very end.

#mine #saturn in the 5th house #saturn in the 11th house

[nova-network]

A personal ranking list for “husbandos” in the Fire Emblem series

This post will be cared about by exactly two people: Admin Annette of @imaginebluelions​, and myself. This is structured in the same manner as her own tier list, as that one inspired this one (especially with her insistence that I make it, hee hee!)

Note: I am an Awakening baby, and have not yet gotten the opportunity to play the older games yet. The placement for characters on this list who originate from games made prior to Awakening is based on the information that I have gathered about them from Fire Emblem Heroes, and from further reading about those characters. As a further note, Shadows of Valentia characters (well, the one SoV character on this list) are only based on their character in SoV, and not in the original Gaiden.

Without further ado...

S Tier:

Robin (Awakening): Robin is a very talented individual, being highly skilled at tactics and magic, and he manages to be a logical pragmatist while still being rather friendly and empathetic. He’s kind of a dork, but still social enough to carry on a conversation well and not be embarrassing. He has a clean, smart-looking appearance, without being stuffy. Additionally, in some portrayals, he and his magic come across as somewhat dark and otherworldly -- most notably in Fire Emblem Warriors, where he is capable of using dark magic in the Tactician class and gets around by levitating. His connection to Grima is emphasized, but he remains as much of a legitimately nice and helpful person as ever, and the juxtaposition between those two factors is VERY attractive. He’s Good Guy Julius. He’s like a one-man rebuttal to the Loptous cult back in FE4, showing that no, your bloodline doesn’t determine your fate after all, and even turning everything he was mean to be against Grima itself. He also may have a claim to the throne of Plegia, due to his heritage, and is thus potentially politically viable.

Robin is the safe option, being relatively free of angst, emotional baggage, and potential danger, despite what he was quite literally born to do. There are only two potential drawbacks to him, and they can both be mitigated. The first is that he is probably reluctant to make a claim to the Plegian throne, unless I were to push him into it, and the second is Tharja, who can be set up with some other guy and thus could end up an ally instead of a potential relationship threat.

Laurent (Awakening): Like his mother Miriel, Laurent is an utterly brilliant, highly scientific-minded individual, often striving to obtain new knowledge about the world or trying to quantify the magic he uses. In short, he thinks like I do, though he is also a lot more introverted and serious than I am -- and I think that’s a good thing, allowing each of us to understand each other without overlapping so much in personality that we would simply clash instead. Laurent often seems to be interested in practical applications of his research, too, instead of just staying with theory, so I think we could work very well together! I think Laurent would be capable of understanding me on a fundamental level that few other characters could, and vice versa. Laurent looks scholarly and refined, and he definitely is! And yet, at the same time, he isn’t a total boring stick-in-the-mud -- he can be surprisingly theatrical with how excited he can get about his ideas and innovations, and that is very attractive too!

Laurent’s supports with Noire indicate that he was very much... um, interested in her rage-breakdowns. As someone who has a tendency to dramatically lash out in a similar (albeit far less exaggerated) way, Laurent is uniquely suited to dealing with me and helping me through it, heehee! Laurent does, however, have the issue of being a politically unviable option -- he’s just a researcher, not a potential leader, so I’d have to work very hard to be able to establish myself in the archaic Ylissean government system if I wanted to go that route.

Hubert (Three Houses): Normally, I don’t go for characters who are as hostile and sinister as Hubert von Vestra, and yet there is so much about him that is absolutely my type. He is very clever, very ambitious, and very, very dramatic. He’s like a goth theater kid who went into politics instead of theater. He is very loyal, but not blindly so, willing to think critically about what is really best for Edelgard and their shared ambitions instead of just doing whatever he’s told. He’s very responsible, but not exactly honorable by Fire Emblem standards -- after all, he goes around scheming in the shadows and plotting assassinations quite a bit -- and I like that a lot. He’s fiendish, he’s devious, and yet, at least on Edelgard’s path (my preferred route by far), he’s definitely not evil, and even turns out to be quite a bit nicer than he generally lets on with his threatening demeanor. His dedication to following Edelgard’s ideals of abolishing systems like primogeniture and Crest superiority are even outright admirable, and make him uniquely suited to understanding my perspective on the world. Like most Three Houses characters, Hubert does seem to have quite a bit of trauma under the surface, but he’s a logical type of fellow, not one to need constant emotional support and coddling -- just someone he can, for once, actually trust. He’s the sort of person I could stand with instead of having to stand behind.

Also, um, I kind of want him to intimidate me. I think I would like it.

Hubert is quite possibly the single most attractive character I’ve seen in this entire franchise, but he has one single important point against him, as well, which keeps him in this tier with the others: he keeps a lot of secrets from people he cares about, and I have trust issues of my own. (And not that he’s, y’know, a creepy assassin wizard butler who has committed multiple murders. That part is okay. Welcome to Fire Emblem, I guess.)

A Tier:

Linhardt (Three Houses): Oh, Linhardt. I once dated a guy who was a lot like Linhardt. He was a biology student who legitimately considered selling his bed in order to buy a flow cytometer to put in his room because he usually just fell asleep in his chair anyway. So, right away, I can tell you that Linhardt is an excellent choice. Our interests overlap, but not so much that I would consider him competition or a threat. He’s just content to do what he wants to do. His rather lazy demeanor is a big point against him, but at the same time, this is somewhat mitigated by the fact that he’s so brilliant when he does try to accomplish something. And I think he could balance out my super driven, very Type A personality -- Linhardt can keep me in balance and prevent me from losing who I am or my connections to everything around me, because he is so relaxed. With his aversion to causing harm and the fact that he seems to be a lot more empathetic than he lets on, he could keep me from ending up as a bitter mad scientist type if things go wrong for me, perhaps better than any other character on the list. He can be to me what Byleth can be to Edelgard. At the same time, I think I could be somewhat of a motivating factor for Linhardt, so he can be the best he can be and really apply his brilliance for the benefit of the world instead of letting his mind languish in apathy.

Klein (Binding Blade): Klein is so elegant and refined! And yet, at the same time, he makes sure to treat everyone equally, no matter whether or not they are of noble birth. He would be able to recognize me for my accomplishments, for what I do and who I am, instead of just where I come from. I think Klein is another good balancing factor for me, as well -- he’s a skilled diplomat, apparently, which provides an excellent complementary counterpoint to my more blunt and aggressive demeanor. Klein can help me circumvent problems that I can’t just plow through, and I can help him take action when action needs to be taken. Klein may not be as scientific-minded as some of the other people on this list, but given that his father is freakin’ Pent, Klein is probably quite capable of understanding a lot of the things that I say and willing to listen to a lot of my interests. There is, however, one very significant problem with Klein -- his sister. I can tell you right now that I would not get along with Clarine AT ALL from the very first time we would meet, and Klein would have to handle a lot of conflict resolution and mediation. It would be an absolute mess.

B Tier:

Ephraim (Sacred Stones): Ephraim is somewhat unique in this tier list because he’s not really much of an academic type at all! He’s good at tactics and leadership, but not much else. But at the same time, he has a clean, sharp sort of athleticism to his appearance that I like a lot, and he’s very confident and outspoken without being a jerk at all. Since he does end up in charge of Renais, he’s also a very politically viable option (are you seeing a pattern here for characters who don’t come from 3H, the game where monarchy and inherited nobility are deconstructed more instead of taken for granted?). I think Ephraim would be able to listen to me and understand my strengths, while at the same time, I can understand his talents and perspectives as well. On the other hand, he probably wouldn’t know what the hell I’m talking about half the time, which could make me eventually feel kind of isolated.

Henry (Awakening): The cute one. Henry is just such a legitimately nice and fun person despite his morbid personality. He wants to help, he just doesn’t always know how, because his grasp on human morality and empathy is a bit nebulous. He’s a twisted fellow, but not a mean one, and I think I could really appreciate his curiosity and vice versa. He’s smarter than his goofy personality lets on. I think we could talk about a lot of things with each other and accept a lot of things about each other that most people wouldn’t be able to, or at least not as easily. And he is apparently a very good parent! There are still a couple of problems with Henry, though. Most importantly, he’s kind of immature, and I don’t know how much I could handle that in a relationship. Also, he’s technically a mass murderer, though this is mitigated by the fact that he’s not a bad guy, and could be mitigated much further if his willingness to take a stand against Grima gives the public a bit of a better view of him. Also, he’s not politically viable. Whee! And I’m not sure how old he is.

C Tier:

Leo (Fates): Logical but theatrical, pragmatic and cold but surprisingly nice and dedicated despite that. He’s like a proto-Hubert, for the purposes of this list. Leo is a pretty great pick for pretty much all the reasons that Hubert is, but... just less so. Also, he has a couple of major drawbacks -- I don’t want to have to deal with his family (Camus-archetype Xander and ingenue Elise would be enough of a problem, but Corrin? Well, Camilla’s okay, I guess), and like Henry, I’m not sure how old he is, either. Leo is, ironically, probably best on the Birthright path in terms of husbando properties, because now I don’t have to deal with Corrin, who I would immediately consider a threat because Corrin is a pile of naivete with way too much power for his/her own good but people like him/her anyway.

Ignatz (Three Houses): Pretty cute, especially post-timeskip. A nice person, and could be great to cooperate with in terms of that Victor Trading Co. This guy just wants to paint nice art, but his family is successful enough to hire a private military, how cool is that? He’s also pretty smart, given that he excels at Reason magic. There are quite a few problems that keep him from being higher up, though. Ignatz is full of guilt, full of art, and not much else. I’m not sure how well I could ever truly connect with him.

Alfonse (Heroes): POLITICALLY. VIABLE. More importantly, Alfonse is the nerd lord! He’s good at strategy, likes history and mythology and folklore, and strives to avoid collateral damage when he fights. He’s a rational sort of fellow, which seems to be a rarity among all the crazy people in Zenith. However: it would only work out if I am the Summoner, as opposed to it being some generic-Kiran, I’m not sure how much he would approve of the darker sides to my personality, and he’s kind of a stick-in-the-mud. And that’s saying something, because Laurent is up in S tier and Klein is in A.

Exception Tier:

Canas (Blazing Blade): Canas would be most likely placed in A. He’s a brilliant scholar, and a super cute, absent-minded dork. He’s someone who could challenge me with his intellect without me ever considering him a threat. However: he already has a wife, and is thus off-limits. There is only one possible scenario that could circumvent this barrier: me being the Summoner of Askr and picking him up and rescuing him right at the brink of his untimely death, to start a new life in Askr without affecting the Elibean historical record -- but even that has its own problems. Did his wife survive in the snowstorm longer than he did? Would he just go right back there and die if the contract were broken? How much does summoning affect the mind of the person summoned? So Canas simply gets an honorable mention.

#fire emblem #husbando #fire emblem robin #fire emblem laurent #hubert von vestra #linhardt von hevring #fire emblem klein #fire emblem ephraim #fire emblem henry #fire emblem leo #ignatz victor #fire emblem alfonse #fire emblem canas #if you don't have a last name you are just mr fire emblem sorry

[sennaleee]

this ain’t omo but I have a lot of random things to say and no Friends(tm) to say them to, so here’s an info dump/update on my Super Exciting life. Read the tags for a summary I suppose. Also this is really long so sorry. Kudos to anyone who reads all of it, lol.

So y’all know (unless you’re a newer follower, I guess) that the reason I’m MIA basically all the time is because I’m in school. I’m in my last year currently, and while it is absolutely the best year so far, it’s also super isolating. Every 2 weeks I’m doing something different and dealing with different people, and while this is absolutely the greatest thing in the world for me (I tend to get annoyed being around the same people 24/7, which is why the first three years of grad school were probably such a nightmare, haha), it’s also cementing how much of an outcast I am in my class. Like, most people are super nice, and I like getting to know people I haven’t had a chance to talk to much over the time here (my class is essentially high school with how many cliques there are, I stg it’s ridiculous we’re all 23+ years old and have a “don’t sit with us” attitude), but there are also random instances where someone I considered a friend is actually kind of a bitch and acts in a way that makes it very obvious that me speaking in her presence is the worst part of the day.

There are also people I have to work with who are legit working in my school - they are getting PAID to help teach me - and they very clearly do not want students around, which is so frustrating. I got a bad grade for one of my 2 week classes just because I wouldn’t take shit from them and stood up for myself. I was literally graded on my personality and was done so in a way that my feedback contradicted itself so like how could it even be trusted? This probably makes no sense. I’m trying to be somewhat vague and it’s just making everything confusing sorry. >.<

And then there’s the random superior who just does not give a frick about your time and thinks that what they want should be your #1 priority, but you’re also doing things for 3 other superiors simultaneously that are more time sensitive than what the first superior wants and then you lose an ENTIRE LETTER GRADE for that class because you “didn’t ask for help when you were overwhelmed” except for the fact that I DID ask for help from the first superior and was promptly shut down because she “has her own things to do.” God, I’m bitter.

I have all this stuff to complain about, but I have to emphasize that I am seriously having the time of my life. Some classes are better than others, but this year is for working out what we want for our future, and if nothing else, the classes I hate are helping me learn not to go into those specialties. And for every not-so-great mentor/superior, there are least 5 that are absolutely amazing, so there’s that. The bad ones are just the ones that stick in my head.

Despite being great though, everything is so mentally and emotionally draining. LIke, my recent class had a section where we had to handle parr/ots (yeah, if this doesn’t give away my school program, I don’t know what will...and yes I’m literally censoring the word ‘parr/ot’ don’t judge me.) and I was perfectly fine one minute and the second I’m just freaking sobbing over this bird and my partner is trying to draw blood from it and I can’t even see through my own tears so I had to make her stop and the instructor had to come over and try to calm me down and take the bird from me and I still don’t know why I cried? Literally the only thing I can think of is that maybe the bird was stressed and I somehow subconsciously realized that before I consciously did and my body’s way to get my attention was to just go “it is time to sob” and so I did. We did have to put that particular bird back immediately afterward because she was getting too warm, but normally I’m able to, you know, use my words to warn people about things like that instead of having an emotional breakdown out of nowhere.

Anyway. This is getting super long, and I also want to throw in - on a totally unrelated and very random note - that I saw It Cha/pter 2 today and I won’t spoil it but wow if anyone else wants to talk to me about that hit me up. I’ll probably be writing “normal” stuff about that for awhile because it made me angry and sad (and to think that I absolutely spoiled the entire thing for myself prior to even going to see it and that still wasn’t enough to keep me from crying in the theater, jfc I’m a disaster) and I don’t feel much of an urge to write omo for it but still want to write /something/ so I guess if anyone’s interested in reading that from me message me and I can let you know if I ever write it and post it somewhere.

K if you can believe it I actually had even more to say in regards to school and general social issues, but this is already hella long, so maybe I’ll come back to do another “Senn is a disaster” info dump in a few months or something.

Hope you all are doing well. <3

#school stuff #this is almost all venting #but there's also a random paragraph about 'it chapter 2' so like #that's near the end and there's no spoilers #hello and goodbye friends one day i will be out of school and i've been assured living as an actual Adult is a lot easier #and i'll supposedly be less exhausted and so will have time for my hobbies lol #also i take boards in 2 months so once that's over i'll be less stressed overall #that'll also help immensely #but speaking of boards i should probably study a bit now #later friendos <3 #also i did not reread through this essay of a post so pardon any typos

[ibangtanthings]

Baby

Chapter One

"He's the one in charge of all this. You think the rest of these assholes are scary....they're nothing compared to him, nothing!. Watch your back...no one here is going to help you. The only reason we're having this conversation right now is because I'm finally going to be released."

"How long have you been here?" You asked.

She was probably only a few years older. Tall, lean, with big breasts. Her thigh had a scar about the length of her finger but it was white in color, and barely visible. You took in everything about her appearance; the red hair, the tattoo on her foot, the piercings on her ears.

“Three years....” She choked back a sob. “Don't try to escape. If you get into a fight, fight to kill."

"Why me?" You leaned in closer and she retreated, standing up as the guards came in to pick her up.

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you repeated your question before they could take her away.

"Why me? Why am I here?" You whimpered.

"Because you look like an angel." She shrugged. "Stop crying. You'll have plenty of time for that later."

With that they dragged her out of sight and slammed the door shut. Hours passed as you sat in that disgusting room, shackled to the floor with your legs and wrists tied together painfully.

The concrete felt horrible against your skin. You only wore the bare minimum, an underwear and a bra. They took your clothes when they threw you into the car. Bugs wanted to crawl on your skin knowing you were the only living thing in that dark grey room.

No food, no sunlight, no water, no bathroom. You screamed at the small camera installed in one corner of the ceiling, but nothing happened. The small red dot just kept blinking back at you.

You knew it was a bad idea but there was no other way to get their attention...Whoever they were.

The more you thought about it, the more appealing the idea of offing yourself became. You didn’t want to be trafficked and abused. 

Laying down, you began to knock your head onto the ground, trying to make it seem like you were using a good amount of effort and crying to make it look more convincing.

It wasn't even a minute later before the lights turned on and three guys came in, pointing large guns at your face.

"Don't move!" One yelled out but the threat of the gun had already froze you in place.

"I have to use the bathroom. Please." You stammered, shivering with uncontrollably.

Your eyelids felt swollen from all the crying, and just then you realized that while the room was ice cold, the skin around your cheeks felt too warm. What felt worse was the bruise they left on your abdomen. That’s where they had punched you so hard, you lost your grounding and made it very easy for them to kidnap you. 

One of them picked you up and cursed, letting you fall again.

"She's bleeding." He said, disgusted.

You started to panic and realized he was looking down at your legs. You had started your period.

"Call him in. Call Namjoon in. Isolation, room one." He spoke into his ear.

They had to be military trained. The way they stood, the type of guns they had, the equipment. It looked like they had come straight out of a war.

Namjoon?

He came in dressed in a suit and tie, his shoes perfectly polished.

He must be the one she warned you about.

You didn't look him in the eyes, instead you shut yours. 

"What's wrong?" He asked them. His voice smooth yet strong.

"It's her...time of the month. She's been in isolation for two days. We rushed in when she was hurting herself."

He sighed but his voice was calm and smooth. "I told you to take care of her. Did you even feed her? I need her ready in two, do you understand?"

"Yes sir." They said.

"Call Jin, have him take her upstairs to get washed up. Label her first."

You opened your eyes immediately.

"Name sir?" One asked.

There was silence for a second. You felt his eyes all over your body. Finally you made eye contact and a chill went down your spine.

You saw it immediately, his power, his confidence and his attractiveness. He had an energy that made it clear he was the one in charge.

You could have sworn you saw the corners of his lips stifle a smile.

"Baby." He turned around and left.

"Jin to isolation room one. Namjoon's doll is here. I repeat, Baby is here."

You hid into a corner as the guards unlocked the shackles and the rope around your wrists which made a bright red mark on your skin.

They had no reason to tie you up like that in the first place. It wasn't like you could fight back. Not with guns pointed at you 24/7. Not with all these men who could overpower you so easily.

Jin appeared a few minutes later.

He too was dressed nicely. A white button up and black jeans. His light blonde hair parted perfectly.

He laid eyes on you and watched your every move, observing you like a hawk. Finally he looked over at the guard.

"Namjoon wants you to take care of her." the guard replied.

"She's the one..." His brows furrowed in concentration as he came closer but his expression softened when he leaned down in front of you. He noticed the blood but it didn't seem to bother him.

He sent a guard for a towel and they returned quickly.

"Hi Baby. I'm going to take care of you now." He gave you a polite smile. "Come with me."

His hand reached for yours and he easily pulled you up.

While the side of your abdomen hurt like hell, for some reason you refused to make any sound whatsoever. 

The halls were empty, not another body in sight. It looked like some kind of hotel. You tried your best to keep up with him even with the pain in your side. The floor was cold under your feet, like stepping into freezing waters. Shivers radiated down your spine.

The elevator doors opened and he let go of your hand, letting you get in first. He kept his eyes to himself and pressed the first floor button.

When the doors opened again he didn't bother to check if you were following. You didn’t have the guts to try to run and he knew. 

All the doors in this particular hallway had names on top of the door frames. Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, and more. 

He unlocked the door to his room and held your hand once more, leading you into his bathroom. From what you could see, he had a very large sized room.

The bathroom was covered in white tiles that contrasted against the dark teal walls. He turned on the water in the bathtub. A porcelain and gold tub that seemed more expensive than anything you have ever laid eyes on.

His fingers dipped into the water and once satisfied, he placed soap and towels nearby.

"Clean yourself up. Don't do anything stupid. I'll be right back." He closed the door behind him.

The water was between warm and hot, exactly how you wished it would be. After a few moments you climbed in and the dull ache in your side subdued just a little.

You were somewhat relieved that Jin wasn't as scary as Namjoon but Jin was one of them. He was obviously terrifying but he wasn’t as intimidating as Namjoon. The image of him alone made your breath hitch. The girl’s words echoed in your mind. Jin, Hoseok, Jimin, the others....they’re nothing compared to Namjoon. 

What did Jin mean you were the one? Like he was trying to hide his surprise.

"I'm coming in." He said with a gentle knock.

You tried to cover yourself up but you were already submerged in the soapy water so he wouldn't see anything anyways.

He left clothes and a box of tampons.

Unable to muster any words due to fear, you pointed to the shower head.

"Rotate the middle knob." He said leaving you alone again.

You turned the golden handle, flushed all the soapy water away and finished up quickly.

There sat matching bra and panties, a satin purple that was almost visible through the white shirt, maybe his shirt, and grey pajama shorts.

Walking out with towels and undergarments in hand, he took them from you and threw them out.

"You'll stay here until Namjoon changes his mind. I have to find you more clothes and then I’ll bring back food. You can make yourself comfortable." He said, taking your left hand and placing a small kiss on it.

It felt weird to have him be so nice. Especially considering how you were treated the past couple of days. When he made eye contact, it was like he was telling you that you could trust him. 

Sitting down on the chair, you waited and waited for him to come back. The lack of sleep and food had you weak and soon enough you dozed off, only to be awoken by him again. He was carrying you to his bed.

You sat upright once he laid you down. You wanted to gasp, or scream in pain but you were so scared. The pain in your side continued but the only response you could manage was letting your tears begin to well at your eyes. 

"I told you to make yourself comfortable. You can sleep on the bed if you want to." He pulled the sheets back.

You looked away from him, remaining silent.

His phone rang. You managed to prevent your tears from falling. 

It was hard to make out his conversation but a few moments later there was a knock on the door. He opened the door very slightly and retrieved a plastic bag.

"Here's some pain medication, for your cramps. You should eat. I brought this for you." He walked over to another bag you hadn't noticed before, on top of the dresser.

He brought out some plastic containers and opened them up, placing them on the bed.

Sushi.

He brought a piece to your mouth and you stared back at him.

His eyes were a warm brown. Like Namjoon, he was handsome. Admittedly, they didn't look like gangsters or criminals. They looked like social elites, or the corporate type, not criminals.

Jin's looks we're almost ethereal.

"Eat." He said.

"Why am I here?" You whispered.

He sighed. "You know it's disrespectful to refuse food from someone who's done you no harm."

"You're one of them." You said, not knowing what came over you. The goal was to never make them angry, yet it seems like you blew it already. 

"Yes. Now eat because you don't want me to force you." He was serious but calm, holding up the piece of fish in between his fingers.

It had been days since you had a morsel of food. Earlier you drank the water from the bathroom sink to soothe your thirst.

Hunger took over your fears and you opened your mouth slightly, letting him feed you. For some reason you couldn't stop staring at his face. His eyebrows, his nose, his cheeks.

After that first bite, you fed yourself and he made himself busy around the room. He took out the trash bag and left it outside the door.

You realized there there were two locks. He could choose to lock it from the inside or out, however he pleased.

"Lights go out at twelve. That's in couple of hours so you can go to sleep before I get back. For your sake don't attempt any sort of escape. It's not worth your life."

_______

You woke up to his eyes staring back at you. No emotion, just watching.

"He's coming. Get yourself ready." He remained in bed, hair messy and yet still  looking perfect.

He was already dressed though. Navy slacks and a blazer over his white shirt. The watch on his wrist an expensive silver.

Sure enough, all your necessities were provided. Even a curling iron and perfume.

It was weird how everything seemed impeccable. The white tiled floor shiny and clean as though it was untouched. The lights made the room bright and gave the place an almost hospital like atmosphere. 

The fact that they expected you to get all dolled up seemed weird too.

His room as well, perfectly kept. By the time you put on the T-shirt and jeans provided, the bed was already made. A picture perfect breakfast wheeled in on a silver platter and placed on the bed for you.

With the press of a button, two panels on the wall opened up and revealed a television hidden in the wall. Jin sat down on the floor. He began watching the news and eating.

There was nothing on about your disappearance. No one would have noticed anyways.

You stared at the pancakes and fruit on your platter and smelled the comforting scent of coffee just steaming from the mug.

Jin turned around to check if you were eating.

He could probably sense the constant anxiousness you felt and the fear that prevented you from even thinking about escaping.

After finishing your meal, you found the guts to approach him, taking a seat on the floor next to him.

He stared back at you, calm and expectant.

"Who is he?" You spoke, your voice small and you tried to swallow your nerves away.

He watched you for a second before answering. “You’re his, what more do you need to know?”

"Why me? What does he want from me?"

Jin tucked your hair behind your ear, "He doesn't want anything from you, he already has you."

“Why are you being nice to me? Why am I️ here? Why isn’t he watching me?”

“He’s busy.” He said, then he ordered you to stop asking questions.

You moved to the ottoman, trying to stay as still and as far away from him as possible.

But Namjoon came soon enough, bursting through the door with two others in tow. You retreated to the bed. It was as if Jin hadn't noticed his presence. He was un-phased, reading the newspaper as he sat in his chair and ignored everything going on.

"Get up." Namjoon said, grabbing your arm and hoisting you up. His elbow slightly knocked into your side and you yelped.

"What is it?" He asked, never making eye contact. He surveyed your movements and lifted up your shirt to reveal your body.

The bruising had gotten worse. The pain was just at its peak as the skin swelled.

"Jin." Namjoon turned his head towards him.

You looked over at Jin and he was already watching you.

"I didn't do it. I didn't go get her, it had to be Hoseok or Yoongi." Jin returned to his newspaper.

Namjoon touched the flesh and you tried to avoid his fingers, stepping back.

"Don't move." He said, neither annoyed or angered.

This time he didn't touch you. He just looked at the bruise for a moment

"Bring her to main floor when you're ready." He turned to Jin and left.

"That's it?" You wondered after the door closed, looking at Jin for some sort of explanation.

"Be patient. He's being patient. Why didn't you ask him why you're here? Why didn't you bombard him with questions too?" Jin walked towards you, his expression hardened but then a smirk began to form across his lips.

You stared back at him and remained silent.

"Does it hurt Baby?" He asked, revealing your bruise again.

Holding your breath, you placed your hand on his and he let go of your shirt, letting it fall back into place, watching your anxious eyes.

"You're lucky they didn't break your ribs, or worse. Hoseok has a thing for screams and Yoongi has a thing for fire." He tucked your hairs behind your ear. "Namjoon's giving you special treatment, we all are. I have a thing for tears and I'd love to see them fall down your skin." He trailed his finger down your cheek and followed with his eyes until he touched your lips. "But Namjoon said to take care of you so I will...For now at least."

You shivered and closed your eyes, felt his lips against your forehead, delicate and gentle.

The house fire...

You ran out and felt something hit you. It wasn’t debris, it was Yoongi trying to injure you? Or was it Hoseok as he mentioned? There was too much smoke to see anything.

“For now, I’ll take care of you as if you were mine. I wish you were.” He smiled.

He left you alone after that. He was getting ready to take you to the main floor.

Whatever that meant...

________________

The main floor had one grand ballroom like hall, in which a large sundial was painted on the floor. A chandelier about the size of a car, was hanging directly above. It was huge and it glittered almost like rainfall.

Maybe you were in a mansion or a hotel? Everything you’ve seen so far signified that these guys were loaded. 

For now Jin was...safe...if you could even allow yourself to feel that way around him. He hadn’t hurt you...yet.

All eyes fell on you, the silence deafening.

There were about 5 other guys there besides Namjoon. Girls were lined up against the wall behind them, watching you and giving each other glances.

Grabbing hold of Jin's arm you hid behind him and someone with orange hair smiled at your direction.

Jin didn't seem to mind. He just kept walking towards Namjoon casually.

The girls were made up in lipstick and perfect eyeliner, tight clothes that revealed almost everything, and jewels that looked cheap compared to what the guys had on. Some of the girls had perfect tans and some had porcelain skin.

With just a glance they were sizing you up. There had to have been at least ten.

Namjoon rubbed his chin, looking at you and holding your gaze. For the first time ever you felt like he was really looking at you. He was taking in ever part of your body.

"Everyone this is Baby." Namjoon said, taking a few steps forward.

Jin stepped away and your weak hand slipped from his arm. Namjoon grabbed your face gently in his hands and kissed you.

You were so surprised but that didn’t last long.

"No! You can't do this!" One of the girls wailed running towards you, pushing you out of his grasp and smacking your face with all her strength.

You gasped and held your cheek, in shock and confused as hell. Jin didn't move at all. It was Namjoon who grabbed her before she could hit you again, flinging her to the ground.

His move made you flinch in fear, and the girl was on the ground in an instant, practically immobile.

"Ohh shit!" One of guys chuckled, and the rest smiled.

"Of course I can.” Namjoon said. “You thought I wasn't going to find out? I know you were the one who snitched on Rosy. You put one of my girls into the system and for what? In hopes of being my favorite? I'm not going to put you into prison with her, that's too easy. You're going to stay here and be the bitch you were always meant to be. Don't even think about laying another hand on Baby, because she owns you now. The moment she says the word I'll kill you." He kicked her in the side and she rolled onto her back, spitting up blood.

The other girls looked away, some looked like they were on the verge of tears. You couldn't watch either.

"About time someone reminded you where you came from Angel." One of the guys spit on her and walked out. The rest of the crowd followed until only you, Namjoon and Jin remained.

You watched Angel twitch with pain and whimper.

"Get her out." Namjoon said to Jin, nodding towards the doors.

Without a word Jin literally dragged her out of the room, pulling her by the arm.

"Let me see." Namjoon tried to move your hand away from your cheek but you stepped back, watching his every move, deathly afraid.

"Come here." He growled, grabbing your arms and roughly pulling you against him, his strength keeping you in place. "When I say something, you listen. I won't ask you again."

You stared at him, wide eyed and knees weak.

"W-Why am I here? Who are you?" You managed to stammer out, tears finally making their way down your hot cheek.

"You know who I am. You're here because you're mine now Baby."

You trembled in his arms and shook your head. "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing....well, you're loyalty, your trust. Listen to me very carefully Baby." He brought his hands to your waist carefully and kissed your cheek. "The moment I laid eyes on you, I saw how beautiful you are. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You’re breathtaking. You’re going to be a star Baby, the star of the show."

He placed a few kisses on your neck, and you tried to push him away, tears streaming down your face.

You never agreed to this. You were more afraid than ever. What did he even mean?

He pulled away, but his hand found yours just as Jin came back through the door.

Namjoon held your hand out towards him.

"She looks so cute when she cries doesn't she?" Jin smiled at him and took your hand.

"Take care of her. Don't let the other girls touch her, although, I doubt they will now.” Namjoon ordered.

"Of course." Jin replied, leading you back to his room.

He thought it was cute when you cried?

As soon as you entered his room again, you ran straight into the bathroom and began sobbing.

What kind of messed up stuff was Namjoon talking about?

What all those girls were for?

"Baby." Jin called, tapping on the bathroom door.

"That's not my name! My name is Y/N!" You yelled back, sitting down on the white tile floor and feeling the pain in your side more than ever.

He walked in but he didn't come near.

He liked watching you cry. He really did have a thing for tears. It was sadistic and cruel.

You hid your face and he sat down in front of you.

"He'll hurt you if you say that around him. There is no Y/N anymore." He said moving your hands away from your face.

They way he said it made you lose your senses. Nothing felt real anymore. You felt like he was telling nothing but the truth.

There was no Y/N, she didn’t exist. Is that what they wanted you to believe? How?

Looking around, nothing had changed. Everything was shiny and reflecting back too much light. Everything was too clean and you were too afraid to touch anything. It was a bathroom, not a museum. 

The pain in your side a constant reminder that you weren't dreaming.

If you didn't exist anymore then no one would come looking. They made everyone think you were dead, didn’t they?

Who would come looking if you were already dead? Not your friends, not your family.

You were stuck here forever and you still didn't know why. The way Namjoon touched you made you angry. You didn’t own yourself anymore. 

"Come here Baby." Jin pulled you into him. You were surprised at first but you cried into his shoulder anyways. He felt.....safe. Who else was going to comfort you? When would be the next time anyone would comfort you?

"No ones going to hurt you Baby. If you listen to us, everything's going to be fine. I kind of like you Baby, I'm sure the other guys will too" He stroked your head over and over again as you cried.

After some time had passed, you didn't know how much time, Jin nudged you carefully and asked if you were asleep.

You were wide awake, thinking about nothing and just daydreaming about the events that had occurred since you were captured. You replayed the layout of the floors repeatedly in your mind.

He pulled you away from him and looked at your blank expression. When his eyes met yours, you blinked back into reality.

He was safe, you reminded yourself.

"It hurts." You told him pitifully.

Even his arm holding you gently was painful, but you didn't say anything until now. It started to hurt with every breath.

"Is it hard to breathe now?" He touched your side. You winced and pulled away but you didn't cry, knowing he would enjoy it.

"Let me wrap your body. It should be fine in a few days. It's healing already." He picked you up onto your feet and you stifled a groan as you walked back into the bedroom.

You sat on the bed as he found a roll of bandages.

"Don't move Baby. I have no intention of hurting you but I need you to trust me for a moment. Okay?" He asked.

You nodded and he kissed your cheek with a gentleness that scared you.

Without another word he ripped your shirt apart and you kept your arms raised a bit even though it hurt.

He rolled the bandage tightly around your rib cage. When he was done he laid you gently onto your back and tucked you into bed.

“I’ll take care of you Y/N.” He said. ______________

You woke up on a table, a light above your head and something heavy covering your body.

"Two days max. I want her ready by next week. I can't stand to look at Angel's performance anymore. I want to waste her already but that's Baby's decision." Namjoon's voice came from behind.

The light moved away and you could see them clearly now.

"Jimin's been asking about her. He's...curious." Jin said.

"You all are." Namjoon sighed.

"She's awake." Jin looked down at you and you reached for his hand at his side.

He helped you sit up and you realized you were still shirtless.

"Your rib was cracked slightly. Remember to breathe properly even if it hurts. I already punished him for being reckless." Namjoon said, stroking your head.

"Him?" You asked wearily.

"Do you want to see him? He's going to take care of you next." Namjoon said.

"Next?" You repeated, looking down and holding your head for a moment.

He tilted your chin up and forced you to look at him.

"Has Jin been taking care of you Baby?" He pet your head.

"My name is Y/N." You whispered angrily, looking right back at his eyes.

With that he pushed your head away from him and looked at Jin. "Tell Yoongi he can do what he wants, one day max."

Jin squeezed your hand angrily, perhaps without realizing. "He'll hurt her even more. You said you need her ready for next week."

"I know what I said, did you hear what I just said?" He hissed. "Is she yours or mine?"

"I understand." Jin sighed, grabbing a shirt from a nearby stool. He helped you put it on and when he held onto your hand, you gripped it with all your strength, not once looking back at Namjoon.

"Fucking Yoongi." Jin muttered under his breath over and over again on the way back to his room.

He was angry now, seemingly unpredictable and totally different than his usual collected self.

"I want to stay here with you." You blurted out as soon as you were alone with him and the was door shut.

"Well fuck, you just ruined that didn’t you? You're not mine. You’re Namjoon's doll. He's the only one who can make decisions regarding you. I told you there is no Y/N anymore, now you've made him upset and Yoongi's going to take his revenge on you."

"Revenge? I didn't do anything to him. What does Namjoon's doll even mean?" You began to panic.

"Yoongi was the one who went to go get you. He was the one that hurt you, the reason why you're injured. Namjoon has him chained up in the cellar. It's 115° in that room and he's gotten no sleep for 48 hours so far. His punishment will be over today and then you'll be sent to his room. That's Namjoon's orders. You're his doll, his property now. Your body, your soul, it belongs to him."

"Why does he want me?"

"He loves you."

You almost laughed. "Then why am I not in his room? This makes no sense. He doesn't even know me."

"He wants to break you. Your mind. You'll loose yourself and give yourself to him, all the dolls do. He knows who you are."

"I'll never become whatever it is that he wants me to become."

"You will. You'll give yourself to him and you'll become Baby. You already feel something between us so it's only a matter of time before you break. Most girls only do one room before they submit."

"You don't hurt me that's all." You said, denying any sort of attachment. You knew about Stockholm Syndrome and there was no way you would fall into that mindset. "Am I going to everyone's room?”

"Yes. Then you'll be his forever. Whether we like it or not."

"Why wouldn't you guys like it?" You asked.

He looked away and didn’t answer.

"I'm not some toy. Don't you see this is wrong? Please, tell me how to get out of here."

"Stop talking Baby. I'm not usually this nice so don't push it. There's no point in escape. This is your life now."

"Don't let Yoongi hurt me please." You begged him.

"I can't do anything for you anymore. You didn't listen. If I miss you enough, I'll try to find you later."

"Jin."

He brought his lips to yours.

You froze and felt too stunned to move again.

"I said be quiet. You need to listen. The rest of us aren't so nice or patient. I like you Baby and my kindness is a gift. Don't take it for granted. Once your with him, you might as well forget me.”

"I'm scared." You whimpered, and your breaths began to quicken as your tears returned. This is what he liked right? Tears.

“Yoongi won’t kill you, he knows Namjoon wants you alive." He said, tucking you into bed.

"My name is Y/N." You cried over and over again. You felt like you had lost your mind already. What was wrong with them?

He shook his head and you kept repeating it for hours, until finally you heard the words change.

"My name is Baby."

"You looks so beautiful when you cry Baby." He said tenderly, holding you close and making sure you were facing him that so he could watch you fall asleep crying.

"My name is Baby."

"Shh...get some rest. After Yoongi, you'll know who you belong to." He said with a kiss to your forehead.

_______

#bts #namjoon #jin #jungkook #jimin #yoongi #taehyung #hoseok #bts fanfics #bts fics #bts imagines #bts angst #bts fluff

[imruination]

Which MBTI types do you think suits the best to Clarke and Bellamy's characters?

This is such a good question nonny!

Also… such a hard one. Clarke and Bellamy are such complicated characters, who change so much over the course of the show. Also I am by no means an expert on MBTI types.

Look, I was originally going to do a full out meta on this, breaking every letter down, but you would’ve had to wait weeks because I’m so busy right now. So maybe I’ll come back to this and be more in depth at some point? Maybe I’ll even change my mind about what they are. Who knows. Anyway here’s what I think now!

Bellamy… A total ENFJ! Right?

Bellamy has had his struggles, but I think definitely now that he’s learned to be more tolerant and holistic that this is his type. ENFJ’s are often teachers, coaches, or LEADERS. They have a way with people. They know how to inspire others. They see potential in others and know how to delegate. They have loads of charisma!

Clarke… as usual, a little harder to read. And that very fact makes me think maybe she’s an INFJ? INFJ’s tend to have lot’s of contradictory traits. 

I realize that Clarke up until now has been deemed the “head” of this duo, but I still think deep down she has a bleeding heart. They, like ENFJ’s often find themselves in leadership positions, or helping people, but they maybe don’t have the same way with people. Clarke is always working so hard to save people that sometimes she forgets to think about their own personal feelings or motives. She struggles some with bedside manner I think.

INFJ’s are often put into Diplomat roles, and have passion for not just helping people, but for finding the root of the issue so that they don’t need helping at all. They are very passionate about their values, which can be either really good or really bad. Clarke, right?

ENFJ’s and INFJ’s are often seen as “inside-out” versions of each other. ENFJ’s are very likely to act on their current emotions without thinking, while INFJ’s are much more prone to introspection. ENFJ’s tend to be very outspoken, while INFJ’s are a bit more reserved (though they can speak out if they feel the need, almost like slipping into a role?). ENFJ’s usually find it very easy to fit in, while INFJ’s are often very misunderstood by others, and that can lead to isolationism. ENFJ’s can find it very hard to control their emotions, while I think INFJ’s are much better at compartmentalizing even though they also feel very deeply.  ENFJ’s tend to be better at doing, and enacting plans, while INFJ’s are better at thinking, and doing the planning. ENFJ’s are very expressive, while INFJ’s are usually great at hiding their true feelings. I think 

But they have lots of commonalities as well, they are both actually considered idealists. I see this in both Bellamy and Clarke because they are both, perhaps more than anyone else, always trying to make things better, trying to rectify their own mistakes. They are both determined and passionate (bordering on stubborn at times). They are both natural leaders. They both can be too selfless or sensitive. They both CARE SO MUCH. They both have fluctuating self esteem, ENFJ’s because they tend to place their idea of self worth on other people’s thoughts of them, their worth to the group, INFJ’s because they tend to be so perfectionistic, that if they can’t live up to their ideals it’s hard to handle. Both can be intuitive and empathetic. Intelligent and sensitive.

I think ENFJ’s and INFJ’s can have a really interesting balance. The ENFJ can appreciate the INFJ’s more calm and careful demeanor, it helps calm them down, while the INFJ will likely appreciate the ENFJ’s connections, and social ability and it will help them not become too isolated. The ENFJ will appreciate that the INFJ will always listen to them, while the INFJ will appreciate that the ENFJ will “take charge” in certain social situations. They usually have loads of chemistry!

Anyways that’s my opinion without doing literally any research at all. Hope that was somewhat helpful.

(Fun fact: My best friend is an ENFJ and I am an INFJ and we compare ourselves to Bellamy and Clarke all. the. time.)

Clarke is my homegirl.

#idk what I'm doing #alycia answers #the 100 #bellarke #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #the 100 meta

[finallyindigo]

“The Snare” Captures How Women Internalize Trauma

About two thirds of the way through The Snare, Elizabeth Spencer’s seventh novel, the protagonist, Julia Garrett, has the following exchange with her uncle, Maurice (who speaks first):

“Don’t let the past pile up, darling. It’s bad, but it’s gone and we can’t help it. Think of the wake of the boat.”

“Oh, no, that won’t work . . . it’s all around . . . around. . . .”

The line is quintessential Julia, whose every word seems matched not just to the present moment but to a personal inquiry or revelation. In this scene, she is specifically grieving the sudden death of her former lover, a wealthy (and married) Mississippi man named Martin. More broadly, though, she is articulating the root of her existential problem—the thing that, in the course of 400 pages, carries her to the brink of self-destruction—which is that Julia cannot, perhaps does not want to, escape her traumatic past.

Spencer’s gift for characterization reaches enviable depth in The Snare. On the surface, Julia Garrett is a society girl who pursues fulfillment in the seedy underbelly of post-war New Orleans. But this overarching plotline is anchored by the protagonist’s interior turmoil, which is both nebulous and rife with conflict. We spend a lot of time in Julia’s head, reflecting on her past and watching her cobble together abusive events with survivalist instincts. Chief among her preoccupations—what prompts her routine flashbacks and uncertain streams of consciousness—are her abandonment by her father and her relationship with her great-uncle and Maurice’s father, Henri “Dev” Devigny.

Though long dead at the start of the book, Dev is the subject of Julia’s love and revulsion, the figure who inspires her to consider herself both a vibrant, sensual “creature” and a whore. For Julia, Dev is “a constant heavy sun along the horizon of her spirit self,” both illuminating and blinding, comforting and oppressive. The implication is that Dev sexually manipulated Julia from the age of six, but Spencer never states this explicitly. Rather, she hews to the intimate third-person perspective that dominates the novel, an authorial choice that creates narrative tension and feels authentic to the way many women process sexual trauma. Julia cannot name what happened to her, so Spencer resists rendering it in categorical terms.

Spencer, who died in December, at age 98, had a penchant for writing characters who are concerned with their pasts. Frequently, they conduct themselves within their own historical contexts, recalling family sagas and ancient grievances amid ordinary affairs—an engagement party, a Christmas pageant, a vacation in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Often, they are Southern, reflecting Spencer’s own heritage as a native Mississippian, and as a person who, like me, was born into a cultural obsession with bearing and unravelling legacies. Early in her career, critics likened her to Faulkner, though she resisted the comparison, citing her subject as the sole similarity. In 1989, she told The Paris Review, “If my material seems like his, as I say, it must be that we are both looking at the same society.”

Read it: Ekosistem Digital

When she left the South—for Italy and, later, Canada—her fictional landscapes shifted, too, though her interest in familial burdens and societal constraints remained constant. For some readers, it was this focus that cemented her as a next-generation Faulkner. Others saw glimmers of Henry James in her tales about Americans abroad. As I make my way through her astonishing body of work, I find myself thinking most often of her friend Alice Munro, so penetrating is her insight into female experiences of complex class structures and rigid social mores.

And yet, despite the fact that her name often appears in grand company, and despite her prize-winning canon that includes nine novels, a memoir, and six collections of short stories, Spencer is largely overlooked in contemporary literary circles. Her best-known work is The Light in the Piazza, a novella she published in 1960 and later called her albatross. “It probably is the real thing,” she said. “But it only took me, all told, about a month to write, whereas some of my other novels—the longer ones—took years.”

Her trauma exists in the backdrop of her quest for self-actualization, an honest reflection of how many women move through their lives.  

The Snare is one such novel. It was published nearly five decades ago, but I first encountered it late last August, while entrenched in a reading cycle that seemed pulled from a graduate seminar in #MeToo-era literature. Piled with books like Susan Choi’s Trust Exercise, Jia Tolentino’s Trick Mirror, and Julia Phillips’s Disappearing Earth, my desk signaled my devotion to contemporary examinations of gender and power. In this sense, I was primed to appreciate The Snare as a significant book, one that explores female identity with nuanced precision, and one that captures the messy and prolonged impact of sexual trauma. Immediately, I was drawn to Spencer’s deep exploration of Julia Garrett’s psyche and the way she wields narrative ambiguity to convey the detachment and confusion with which many women internalize abusive events. For all the broadening of conversations around sexual violence that has occurred over the past two years—for all the brilliant books I’ve consumed that deal explicitly and painfully with the subject—I am aware that navigating the aftermath of such a trauma is confusing and, often, intensely private. As she considers the qualities that separate her from her upper-crust society and propel her toward an electric yet dangerous and ultimately violent lifestyle, Julia Garrett struggles in isolation to understand her past. It is not surprising that Dev finds his way into her tortuous musings. “What was it Dev, the old man, had said?” she thinks, at one point. “‘Passion is what you’ve either got or haven’t got. . . .’ Out of such scraps she had stuck her own truth together.”

In many ways, The Snare is a feminist novel, far ahead of its time in its handling of female sexuality and desire, as well as the influence of early and unwanted experiences. Among works aimed at deepening mainstream discussions about sexual exploitation, it becomes essential reading; but one cannot claim the subject as the book’s central concern. Probably, this is why I like it so much. What occurred between Dev and Julia slinks through her mind, never revealing itself as a certain memory and yet never receding completely. Her trauma exists in the backdrop of her quest for self-actualization, which strikes me as an honest reflection of how many women move through their lives.  

It is worth noting that what is so potent to the contemporary reader barely registered with the book’s initial critics. One needs only a cursory grasp of cultural history to imagine why. The Snare was first published in 1972, a year before the term “domestic violence” entered the American lexicon, and two years before Barnes v. Train attempted to tackle workplace power dynamics. Issues of child sexual abuse hardly resonated in the public consciousness and would not garner substantial legal attention until the enactment of the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act, in 1974. Spencer’s novel incorporates these themes to varying degrees, usually with the type of subtle probing that suits the introspective Julia. Specifically, Spencer’s deliberate blurring of Julia’s past trauma elicited confusion among reviewers in an era when Americans had, at best, an inchoate appreciation for the sexual autonomy of women and girls.

The novel received a lackluster review in the New York Times and a misogynistic one in Kirkus Reviews. (What the Times described as narrative complexity Kirkus labeled as melodrama, declaring that The Snare was not far removed from “Southern belle lettres.”) The Georgia Review picked up on the necessity of Spencer’s painstaking attention to her protagonist’s history and interiority—elements the Times alternatively described as “the novel’s most damaging flaw”—but determined that the structure was too elevated for the book’s thematic content. This, too, has a sexist ring, considering the great extent to which female desire propels the storyline.

The blurring of Julia’s past trauma elicited confusion in an era when Americans had an inchoate appreciation for the sexual autonomy of women and girls.

Among these pieces of criticism, what was largely agreed upon was the plot. In great or spare detail, each described the events of the book in a similar fashion: Julia Garrett, the adopted niece of Maurice and Isabel Devigny, a respectable New Orleans couple, is tired of her well-bred lifestyle. She seeks excitement with Jake Springland, an aspiring musician and somewhat ambivalent disciple of a religious zealot. With Jake, Julia enters a world of late-night jazz shows and drug dealers and, soon, murder. The novel begins in the 1950s and spans at least a decade, thrusting a clash of societal standards into the backdrop of Julia’s experience. (Her roommate, Edie, a girl from “some dusty little dried-up town,” is her prudish foil.) Julia is, as the book’s title suggests, resisting the snare of the stifling and polite realm in which she was raised; but she is caught nonetheless by a confluence of her own impulses.

The preeminent Spencer scholar, Peggy Prenshaw, further elucidated the central themes of The Snare in 1993, when she wrote an introduction to the book on the occasion of its paperback release. “Julia Garrett,” Prenshaw writes, “seems a misfit, a woman enlivened by sexual experience and nearly destroyed by it, a woman bored by status-seeking and acquisitiveness, whose indifference brings her to the edge of hunger and homelessness.” She goes on to explain that the novel’s setting in New Orleans mirrors Julia’s seductive power and dueling instincts. Like Julia, Prenshaw says, the city is steeped in manners and tradition, but beneath its glossy exterior it is an exotic, indulgent place.

Prenshaw also references the novel’s mixed critical reception, noting the issues reviewers had with narrative ambiguity, but she does not fully explore the resonance of this authorial choice with the book’s violent plot points. Spencer’s rendering of Julia’s darkest moments is frenetic and fragmentary, allowing certain mysteries to rest in the reader’s mind as uncomfortably as they do in Julia’s. In these scenes, the events are clear, but their details are often foggy, punctuated by an image here, a sensation there. We see, for example, the flash of a blade held to Julia’s neck and glimpse, through euphemistic language, the shame she associates with what follows. As in, “After that . . .” and “I’m just going to call it an awful headache.” For Julia, what is contained in the words that and it is unspeakable, even as it holds dominion over her identity.

Crucially, vagueness distinguishes Julia’s memories of her relationship with Dev. Speaking of her protagonist in 1990, Spencer said, “Her early experience with her guardian mentor, . . . a French Cajun man who may or may not have seduced her, had a profound effect on her.” Prenshaw interprets this effect decisively. “The indisputable fact seems to be that Julia does not regard the relationship with Dev as injurious. If corrupting, it was a necessary and inevitable introduction to the ‘crooked world.’” This statement aligns imperfectly with my own impression, because it ignores the yearning that is so critical to Julia’s idea of herself. She does not want to regard the relationship with Dev as injurious. She wants to imagine it as inevitable.

Spencer makes clear that, for Julia, it is easier to live with a terrible thing when it is remembered indistinctly. Julia’s past with Dev haunts the novel because it is essential to how she views herself, and yet she is unable to define it. Violence and sexual exploitation pervade her adult life, too, and yet she never names it as such. Rather, she absorbs it all with a pronounced detachment, as though each experience is the logical conclusion of who she is in the world. After the doctor for whom she briefly works as a receptionist chases her around the office, she thinks: “. . . life was more peaceful than not with him, now that he’d made his pass.” After Jake Springland, her musician boyfriend, rapes and beats her, she thinks: “Why didn’t I find somebody good?” and then concludes that “she hadn’t because she hadn’t wanted to.” She is kidnapped twice, thanks to her association with Jake, and subjected to torture. After the first time, she thinks: “It was something in me . . . Something that wanted to go down forever, to hit the absolute muddy bottom where there’s nothing but old beer cans, fishhooks and garbage.” After the second time, she thinks: “She would gladly live like an animal, simply, instinctively, for the day only.”

For Julia, it is easier to live with a terrible thing when it is remembered indistinctly.

Julia’s enthusiasm for New Orleans and its various vices—her sensual and subversive nature—is palpable and seemingly within her control. From the start she is an intelligent woman who knows her sexual power. But as we navigate the conflicting aspects of her mentality, we learn that her empowerment is marked by shame. At times, she reduces herself to her sexuality. Dressing for a courtroom gallery: “Might as well try to de-sex herself, she thought, as stamp out her natural looks.” Her early sexualization by Dev forms a critical aspect of her identity and self-worth, convincing her that she is incongruous with anything virtuous. She thinks, “The idea of goodness beckons forever to those who can’t have it, but once they catch up to it by luck or accident, they immediately feel uneasy, restless, miserable.”

This vivid interiority is what is largely missing from any summary or critical analysis of The Snare. How Julia decodes her own experiences is a vital aspect of the novel that seems only to have puzzled reviewers in 1972 and failed to thoroughly engage scholars in the following decades. I only learned of the book because several people recommended it to me. Each had read my work and assumed I would appreciate Spencer’s meticulous characterization of Julia Garrett. But at some early point in my first reading, Julia began to resonate as more than a technical feat. We are wildly different people, and yet I identify with her tendency toward self-examination through imperfect recollections. I possess the kind of memory that blurs even the recent past. It recalls the worst things dimly and everything else with rosy nostalgia. This has the effect of making me suspicious of my negative or painful emotions. I am unskilled at relaying the detailed origins of my deepest wounds without a large amount of ambiguity. Spencer captures this deficiency, too. After Jake assaults and abandons her, Julia says, “I don’t think I was even born a virgin.” Her effort to make sense into the plainly nonsensical seems to me like an inherited impulse, something derived from generations of cultural stagnation around gender-based violence.

Months before her death, I spoke with Elizabeth Spencer over the phone. She talked about the months she spent in New Orleans, researching the novel’s setting, and recalled her use of narrative ambiguity as the deliberate choice I had assumed it was. And yet, I absorbed from her a sense that her fixation on Julia’s past diverged from my own. “I don’t spend too much time psychoanalyzing,” she said. I felt somewhat disappointed by her answer, at first. So much of Julia’s persona appears drawn from an intellectual understanding of the functional ways in which human beings process trauma. But maybe Spencer’s more intuitive approach is what accounts for her novel’s brilliance. Perhaps her resistance to determining direct cause and effect is what allowed her to craft such a complicated and authentic character. Julia is not whittled into a particular set of psychiatric ailments, and her interior current is rich and evolving, never cyclical, never wholly diminishing. Spencer allows her protagonist a limitless quality, that of a woman constantly interpreting and reinterpreting her place in the world through her experiences. Who among us isn’t?

About the Author Caroline McCoy’s work appears or is forthcoming in The Georgia Review, Blackbird, Lit Hub, The Bitter Southerner and others. She has received residencies and fellowships from Crosstown Arts, in Memphis, and Emerson College, where she earned her MFA in 2019.

Source: electricliterature.com/the-past-is-present-in-the-snare/

[coolbaby92]

I haven’t written in a long time for a few reasons. Mainly, I’ve been extraordinarily busy...I’m almost exactly halfway through classes to become a funeral director and I can safely say this is the most academically challenged I’ve been thus far, even though it’s through a community college. It is some serious shit - the standards are very high (you need 75% to pass, let alone just get a C, and you need 93% to get an A) and failure in any one course will require you to wait an entire year to take that course again. Not only is it a lot to handle, the subject matter is one that could be considered depressing and/or exhausting...I’ve found that for me, it’s all so new and fascinating that I haven’t felt down about it at all, and I’m not sure that I will, because so far it’s been immensely rewarding. I feel that this is what I’m meant to do, I’m someone who can do this job and I can do it well.

Doing it well seems to be my curse, though. I’ll admit that I’m only writing in this diary thing because I am having a rough emotional time tonight...but it’s the first in 5 months, after what seemed like years of endless angst. What has me ruffled now is the fact that in the mortuary program, I am the top student. More often than not, I get the highest scores on exams, and so the curve is set according to my score, and lately, this has come with a wave of animosity from people I considered friends. It started jokingly, but now I sense real resentment, to the point where I simply don’t feel welcome around them. Whatever I say to them comes off as condescending - which is a thing I’m working on, making my tone kinder - and instead of going with it or, even better, telling me what I’m doing wrong to them, I get this strong nondescript feeling that they have no interest in having me around. I want to make it better, but it’s hard to do that when you get no real feedback and the people you want to be better for don’t seem to be receptive to you even trying.

Earlier this evening I had a cry, and entered into that old headspace of “well yeah, they hate you, because what actually is there to like about you?” and then listing all the things that are wrong with me. I think I was triggered by the feeling of being left out of the group for no real reason...I remembered as a kid walking behind groups of girls in my class at recess, their arms linked but I’m alone, even though they were my friends...and the end of my senior year of high school when suddenly, dear friends I had had for years, a decade, turned against me in favor of my ex for reasons I will never understand. It’s a specific feeling, and it’s one that I experienced today, which reintroduced the sound of weeping back into my vocabulary.

It’s very silly that this is the thing I choose to be concerned with while I’m preparing to handle the dead and the bereaved on a daily basis for the next, I dunno, 30 years. There’s so much sorrow connected with this line of work, and yet I choose some little thing that’s all about me to cry about. That’s part of what snapped me out of it...the other part was that my boyfriend called.

I haven’t written about him at all. I think it’s because I would write about stuff for two reasons: to release them and/or to remember them later. I don’t want to release him or the feelings I have for him, and I don’t feel like I need anything to remember him by because I don’t feel that he’s going anywhere. This is silly, he makes me immensely happy and I love him and he is what the girl who used to write on this blog was painfully yearning for. Maybe someday soon I’ll write up something more fitting about him.

But anyway, we talked on the phone a while and he told me that he admired how in touch with my emotions I am, and how I seem to be very self-aware and logical about my place in things. I credit that to having had a lot of time to think about myself...too much, really, but I guess social isolation is somewhat useful if you want to strategize all of your potential interactions and be ready with a level response when they happen. 

I should also mention that I have been weaning off of my old antidepressant for a week and I’m only just now starting a new one, so my brain is very...vulnerable right now. I actually don’t know why I’m surprised that I’m showing signs of an unmedicated Kaylee, because I pretty much am an unmedicated Kaylee until this new drug kicks in (I give it 2 weeks) 

I feel calmer now...well, I built a fucking ikea bookcase before I really calmed down, but yeah. I have come a long way in the last 6 months, but I need to remember and accept that there will be times when I just deflate like I did today.

#v

[oumakokichi]

You know, speaking of, I don't think I've ever read your thoughts on Mitarai in detail. Especially in comparison to Saihara, to whom Mitarai almost seems like a prototype of in some ways.

As much of a mess as dr3 was, I came out of it likingMitarai quite a lot, actually. More than I thought I would at first, for sure.While the anime was airing in its earlier stages, I saw quite a lot of hype forhim, but I wasn’t sure what to expect from him, really. He was there in most episodes, especially inFuture Arc (and later on became much more prevalent in Despair Arc)… but hedidn’t really do a lot early on.

Then the more things progressed, the more he started lookingextremely suspicious, and the more interested I became. And when it turned outhe made Super Big Mistakes™ and started showing a lot of his flaws, that’s whenI realized he was actually one of the better-written characters in the anime,and I wound up really liking him.

I think you’re exactly right in calling him a prototype forSaihara. Both of them deal with things like depression and debilitating socialanxiety, and both of them harbor a good amount of self-loathing for their ownweakness. Their inability to stand and face things leaves them feeling helplessand isolated, especially from those “stronger” than them who they perceive asbeing unable to understand or connect to their problems as a “weaker” person.

Like Saihara, Mitarai feels that his only use is through histalent. But where Saihara’s talent is one responsive to a situation, somethingthat’s “only useful after tragedy has already struck,” Mitarai’s entireambition was to use his talent to its fullest potential. In fact, describinghim as a “Saihara prototype but with 100% more ambition” might be a good way toput it, because it’s Mitarai’s ambition that drives him to work himself to thebone, as well as what allows Junko to take advantage of him so badly later on.

Mitarai’s desire to “change the world through anime” is somewhatinteresting to look back on after playing ndrv3, especially because of thewhole “fiction can change the world theme.” It would be very interesting to seehim actually put in an ndrv3-like scenario, and if there had been actualinteractions between the dr3 characters and other characters in the ndrv3 bonusmode, I wouldn’t have minded seeing some kind of interaction between him andTsumugi, preferably.

He and Tsumugi are also interesting parallels of oneanother, because they both resort to the “unhealthily coping through fiction”tactic, but in drastically different ways. And where Mitarai is clumsy andsocially awkward, he’s still a caring, empathetic person at heart. He avoidedcoming to class and getting to know the other sdr2 characters because he wasafraid that it would be a “distraction” from his work; in other words, he wasworried that he’d get too attached. Tsumugi meanwhile is someone who considersherself a true observer. She doesn’t need to worry about getting attachedbecause she fundamentally lacks empathy for her classmates from the start. Bothof them want to “only live in a fictional world,” but the way they regardothers is incredibly different.

Mitarai’s attempts to withdraw and isolate himself fromeverything around him and throw himself singlemindedly into his work aresimultaneously really sad, because it’s what prevented him from ever reallymaking friends or growing attached to people, but also impressive. It’s thatdedication towards his work that prevented him from giving up completely.

If it weren’t for that, he would’ve probably given upentirely when Junko pushed him to the edge of despair—and that was such a greatscene, because it was one of the few glimpses dr3 gave us of what Junko coulddo with just a few words and her analytical talent as opposed to brainwashingthem. Mitarai’s ambition and willpower (and, well, the fact that he knew howthe brainwashing worked in the first place) were the only reasons he didn’t everfully despair when countless others who were stronger or smarter than him did.

I liked that the anime questioned more of his motivationsand objectives the longer it went on. While he started out seeming fairlysympathetic as a character (moreso after standing in for Asahina and gettingpunched by Juzo pretty much right off the bat), dr3 also didn’t shy away fromgiving us hints and clues that he was deeply tied to everything that hadhappened at Hope’s Peak Academy. His run-in with Junko about midway throughDespair Arc then flat-out confirmed it. Thus, we were able to start seeingMitarai from the perspective of someone who didn’t seem to be pulling thestrings exactly, but who was also clearly hiding secrets. On top of that, heseemed exhausted, defensive, and clearly jealous of characters like Naegi whohad the “strength” to stand up to Junko and stop her.

Hope Arc was quite a mess in many ways—hell, the wholeTengan twist was pretty much a huge trainwreck. But one part I did like quite alot was the final scene between Mitarai, Naegi, and the sdr2 characters. Mitarai’sspeech to Naegi, his anger and frustration that Naegi simply couldn’tunderstand with him or connect with him because he was never the kind of “weakperson” that Mitarai perceives himself to be, felt very real andunderstandable. I think he succeeded in calling out Naegi on “empty platitudes”in that one scene better than Munakata did in the entirety of Future Arc,because it’s true that it was a perfect example of Naegi trying to comfort andconsole someone without actually knowing anything about what Mitarai hadactually been through.

It’s a shame that dr3 handled the sdr2 characters so badlyand didn’t really flesh them out or explore their full potential, because thescene in which they appeared and Hinata began talking to Mitarai was actually really,really good. The idea of Mitarai only being willing to listen to people who hadalso done horrible things and were still striving to atone for their mistakes,of people who would probably never stop atoning but wanted to make amends anyway,was really excellent in concept. If dr3 had been a whole anime about… well,that kind of thing instead of the mess that we got, I think it would have gonea lot smoother.

But regardless of the bad parts of dr3 and the unfortunatecharacterization in some aspects, Mitarai was pretty consistently writtenthrough and through. Like Juzo, he was someone who contributed to the tragicevents that Junko put into motion, and also like Juzo, he blamed himselfimmensely and felt as though he had betrayed the people who should’ve been hisclassmates and friends. But because he was always, constantly running away (asJunko lampshades) he never got to know them, and he was incapable of stoppingthe events that occurred as a result of his talent.

Even his attempt to upload his “hope” brainwashingtechnology in order to eradicate “despair” was yet another means of runningaway from the situation. By crafting a world in which only hope existed, it wasthe equivalent to creating a world where “nothing bad happens” and where “everythingis peaceful”—in other words, something like a “fictional world.” I really amvery strongly reminded of ndrv3 when I think of it like that.

Much like Saihara, Mitarai’s awareness and resentmenttowards his own weakness is something I found relatable. I quite likecharacters who consider themselves “cowards” or feel that they’re “weak” or “lackingsomething,” but who nonetheless contribute to the narrative in other means. AndI also like characters who want to atone in some way or make amends for thepast, so I suppose that means Mitarai was bound to be right up my alley sooneror later.

Had he just stuck around to be cute and relatively harmless,I would have liked him well enough, but I don’t know that I would’ve gotten asattached to him as I am now. I wound up liking Mitarai much more when he woundup showing all his anger and bitterness and jealousy, because it humanized himand it showed that he was perfectly aware of his own shortcomings. He was, inmy opinion, one of the better new characters to come out of dr3 along with Juzo.

Thank you for asking, by the way! I haven’t really talkedabout Mitarai at all so this was fun to think about. He’s one of thosecharacters who (again, like Saihara) I like to make fun of pretty often becauseit’s just so easy, and the dr3 dub made it even easier, but he really is apretty good character.

#dangan ronpa #dangan ronpa 3 #dr3 #ryouta mitarai #mitarai ryouta #no spoilers for ndrv3 this time #just a few mentions about saihara but nothing spoilery since it all comes down to his talent as a detective #my meta #okay to reblog #zekefreek

[mhagnolia]

avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr. 

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would  / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.

[wishingfornever]

1/31/2018 – No Contact:  Petty Bourgeois Emotion

If there is a God then he would truly be a tyrant.

Sorry… Starting off a bit strong.  The point is, I realized why I haven’t been able to tend to my journal as of late.  I got a TON of hours lately.  So much so that I can’t really handle the journal.  I get home late at night, consider writing in my journal, but I forget. Then I have to fall asleep.  I hear my cousin in the other room…  I don’t want to wake her.  So, nothing gets done.

A lot of work means little time for play.  My days off consist of me doing nothing for an hour and then realizing that hour lasted the entire day.  D’oh.

Work went well today… was thinking of some of the things I wanted to tell you but haven’t due to… well, the workload.  It’ll lighten up in a bit.  I work today (current time being 12:45 in the morning, which means I would have been the 30th of January instead of 31st had I hustled, but whatever).  I worked yesterday, of course, and it went… well.  The day before, not so much.  The 29th…  Really bad.  I don’t think Diana likes me.

I’ve been punished for my lust.  :/

I thought my manager I have been closing with did too.  No, she’s just usually annoyed.  She speaks so softly and I can’t hear that well because everything was loud with my dad.  I really realized I’m not fond of my dad, lately.  :/

Regardless, work went well today.  It’s a tuesday, so better than monday. January is the Monday of Months, of course.

My manager was late for her bus on the 29th.  Yesterday (or today, whatevs) we got out at a regular time.  It’s great.  I hope she caught her bus but idk.  I had a lot of time to think, mind you. Think of… what?  My life?

I’m feeling more centered. Found… several songs.  One is an animation…  Beautiful, I think. Just… it appeals to me.  I have it on repeat, basically.  It’s… given me a bit of hope.  I listen to the lyrics and… well, I relate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRpiBvwKX6c

The song is called “The Villain I Appear to be” which is apt.  Listen to it… maybe you’d disagree.  After reading what you’ve read. Knowing what you know.  Maybe you’ll know better.  Maybe I’m not familiar with the villain I really am.  Hard to tell.

There are several other songs.  Expanded my favorites.  It’s… helped. Music is a salve for the soul.  These songs, I’ve stumbled upon in one way or another… they’ve been a light when I’ve been totally isolated in solemn darkness.

There is this song… makes me think of Esther.  I think I’ll keep it to myself.  It’s a good song, but I’ve already shared one in this post.  Won’t share another.

Man… Was thinking about Dennis earlier today.  Months ago, I was coming up with a plan.  I was going to call Esther a whore or something?  I wouldn’t have meant it but if Dennis exploded at Shane, he’d DEFINITELY exploded at me.  So, I would have picked a fight.  Would have been easy.

Again, months ago.  I was more angry then.  After he blocked me when I thought we could reconcile.  Bullshit.  That’s still bullshit.

Whatever. Point is, after doing some weight training… I’m not sure I could take him.  Not confident in my strength anymore.  This is why I think God is a tyrant.  This was the one thing I had faith in and now… it’s gone.  I had nightmares where I’d just decay and my muscles would weaken.  Maybe that was my body trying to tell me that my horrors became the facts.

I’m not pleased.

Needless to say, I’m not trying to get in a fist fight with Dennis.  Not anymore, at least.  I need more exercise first, and even then… I don’t think I have the heart for it.  Then again, the ORIGINAL plan was to have him hit me but I know he wouldn’t do that.  We’d have to agree on the fight to make it legal.  It’s on private property, so it should be fine.

I thought about it long and hard.  Again, not the plan anymore.  I guess the plan is to keep bitching about them until I get tired of it.  Yay?

Been watching a lot of streamers lately. Probably a bad thing.  It’s been making me late.  I’ve considered streaming myself.  Gives me someone to talk to.  I am starting to feel the lack of friends.  I’ve selected this solitude for myself. How generous I’ve become.  D’oh…

Oh, my NationState.  MN Has been INACTIVE.  Yes, for reasons.  Mostly that I’m busy and the responsibilities stress me the FUCK out. Like, really.  Life sucks.  -,-

Among my musical discoveries, I also discovered the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen.  A PornStar.  At least, she was the most initially attractive woman.  Her name I Mia Magma, born several years before me.  A German woman and it took me forever to discover this.  I saw her doing a very passionate blowjob and I couldn’t even fap.  She just had the face of an angel.

Later, I discovered her teeth were somewhat peculiar and she doesn’t have much of an ass, unfortunately.  Ah, well.

Still, she’s a beautiful woman.  I made a PornHub account just to say she’s beautiful.  Used my public screen name as my private screen name was… taken.  I avoid numbers.  Bad luck.  So, I said fuck it. I don’t have anything to hide from anyone.  Why should I care?  Oh, what if someone finds me?  Finds where I live and kills me?  Bah!  I don’t care.  Doubt they would.

That said, I realized I might not have mentioned this.  I was watching A LOT of porn and I was concerned that I miiiiiight have had viruses. Could have explained the blue screening too.  So, I found an antivirus.  Got a years subscription.  Would get too but I’ve been talking to one of my cousins about getting a new one.  Seems since the bitcoin bubble, prices for computers went up.  I think I mentioned this, actually…

Regardless, I’d have to get a new antivirus if I get a new computer and I think this one would at least last the year.  I found USB drives at work. Cheap and should be big enough for this file.  I’ll move the important files over to it and work directly from there.  Hopefully, if my computer dies before I’m through, I’ll be prepared and I won’t have to salvage everything or start over.

I woke up this morning screaming.  No, didn’t dream about Esther. Leg cramped.  Right calf.  I could feel the muscle in a place it wasn’t supposed to be.  Not a good sign.  Thought today was going to be bad.  It may have been… a little bit.  Again, for the most part it was good.  Tiresome though…

I’ve been trying to get back into gaming but… eh.  It’s sort of why I wanted to start streaming.  So I could have a REASON to get back into gaming.  It’s not a good way, but it’s something.  In fact, I should probably embrace not gaming.  It might help.  Idk.

You know, I don’t ever get to share what I want to share.  I know I’ll forget something but…  Eh.  I’m going to watch a French-Iranian movie called “Persepolis.”  I just downloaded a picture quoting the movie so I figured I’d enjoy the source material.  After, might play a game of… something and go to bed.  Idk.  Tomorrow, I don’t work.  :D

Persepolis… was a really good movie.  Though, I think it hinted that she (Marjane Satrapi) was raped at one point?  Two men and she was sleeping in an alleyway.  I hope she wasn’t.  :/

I liked how in the movie, she wasn’t afraid to portray herself as the villain.  She acknowledged what she was doing was wrong.  As a child wanting to gouge out the eyes of another child and other instances into adulthood.  Heavy stuff.  Of course, some cases… she did what she had to.  Still, she regretted what she had done afterwards but she acknowledged that they were wrong.  She didn’t hide her own injustices.

As a Communist, that’s good.  In a debate, Stalin and Mao are inevitably brought up.  Can’t deny they happened, can only educate as to WHY it happened.  If the fools you’re debating refuse to learn then they aren’t looking for a debate but a confrontation. You won’t sway minds because they’re not offering their minds to be swayed.  They have nothing on their mind beyond, “You’re the enemy” despite not knowing why.

There is a lot of history.  Concerning imperialism over Iran, the war with Iraq, the religious dictatorship.  Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses.  I wonder if Satrapi is a practicing Muslim.  Wouldn’t be surprised… she thought she’d be a prophet when she got older. Have sections where she spoke to god directly.  Then there was Karl Marx, which was interesting.  Apparently, after doing a bit of research, she compared Marx to God?  Yeah, that sounds like something ripe with controversy.

Still, as I said, I wasn’t expecting much communism in the movie.  I mean, the picture I downloaded… it says “Love is a petty bourgeois emotion” with Marjane looking at a dog.  I thought the movie was going to be about something else, I didn’t realize the heavy political undertone.  I like how everyone but Marjane and her mother have American accents.  They both have Iranian accents.  Of course, the religious guard have actually… kind of soft and gentle American accents.  If it wasn’t for the fact that they were the bad guys, they’d be… adorable.

They all look the same and when they’re not harassing people, they seem quite earnest.  Weird to say.  Like, they confront Marjane because she’s running and that makes her butt jiggle.  She explodes at them (love a strong woman) and they’re confused and almost sad.  Again, these guys are all interchangeable with one another.  Not sure if that’s intentional or not.

I hope… my books sell well enough to the point that I can contact Marjane.  Ask her questions, trade ideas…  She is the Frida of my generation.  An incredible and deep artist with Communist tendencies? Yes, please.  And I think her and her family are terribly clever.  I respect that.

I feel like I’ve been getting more dumb lately.  Spelling errors, punctuation errors, etc.  I’m slipping.

I also want to talk to her now.  I need… guidance.  Someone who can understand me.  She had depression and I certainly do.  We have different backgrounds but I get her.  Of course, she parties a bit more than I do.  She’s not a social outcast, now that I think about it… but she is a wide eyed dreamer.  Typical communist, I know.  ;)

I’m not like Marjane.  Maybe she won’t understand me, now that I think about it.  But we are likeminded… perhaps a better word but eh. Could just be wishful thinking.

Eh… I found a page on facebook… as well as facebook profiles.  There are tons.  Think adding her is too personal.  I liked the public page.  I want to send her a message but… what would I say?

Hi, I’m a young 20 something with NOTHING happening in my life and I feel like a chronic failure.  Our only similarities is that we’re both communists and struggle or used to struggle with depression! Please respond!

I… don’t like messaging famous people. I feel like I’m just… trying to get attention.  I don’t like being noticed by the streamer while watching twitch for similar reasons.  I feel a lot of guilt for something totally irrelevant.

So… I ended up venting in a stream.  Mentioned that I want to message Marjane.  Someone told me that if I were to ask for guidance ask if she has time to chat.  I just discovered her.  That’s… rushing things, I guess?  I don’t know.  Maybe I should research her more? I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.  :/

Ugh… I’m caught at a bad time.  Very bad time.  But that’s life, eh? I’m going to go to bed.  Maybe… maybe I’ll message Marjane tomorrow.  Talk to her… share my story…  Or something, I don’t know.  All that I know is that I know nothing.

Time is 11:50.

I was offered a job at work today.  Discount Tire.  Overtime is 20 per hour.  Not sure what it means for regular pay but it’ll be better than Dollar General.  I’m excited.

I’ve been feeling very… inspired, I guess.  Not necessarily inspired positively or negatively just more susceptible to emotions.  When I found out I’ve been noticed, I was just agape with joy.  I was hoping earlier that it’d happen to me because I was thinking the universe was turning against me.  That maybe I wouldn’t get the chance to see Ariel.  My frivolous spending spree has set me back by a lot… I won’t get a card until next week.  I’ll call the number and get set up.

I’m excited.  More money means Ariel comes sooner… but I also said I wanted to leave.  I’d leave later because this would be a more serious job.  Maybe I could get it when I come back?  If I come back? I don’t know.  I’ll see how I feel.

[livefromhouseatlantic]

Chain Breaking, Part 18

This is probably not the end of this series.

I wrote up a summary last time (which I’m actually still adding to as I review my previous posts as well as my IRL journals) partly for ease since this whole thing has gotten a little bigger than I originally envisioned (mission creep, man; it’ll get ya) and I had intended to write more - but I’m kind of tapped out. I’m emotionally and physically bankrupt, at this point. I have very little left that I feel I can give to really anyone at this point. I don’t like feeling this way, it makes me feel somewhat useless. 

Not quite as useless as I have felt in the past, mind you, but still pretty useless. I feel dejected. I’ve been badly hurt, and thus far 2019 has started with a series of (Unfortunate) events that weren’t really all that great for me. In fact - they’ve been exceedingly painful, but what can you do. (As a fun aside, I never really got into Lemony Snicket. I was too old for children’s novels at an early age, I suppose.)

I’m a bookworm. From what my parents tell me, I was reading at one and a half. I don’t really remember that, obviously. I do have memories from two and three, which surprises some people, but I’ve never really talked about them, because they’re fragmented (not in the sense that I’ve been using that word, ha, ha) and there’s not really many of them. I’m sure most people have one or two. Anyway, books have always been a source of solace for me. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t reading. I progressed fairly rapidly - I went from comic books like Peanuts and Calvin & Hobbes (I used to like to refer to both in subtle ways just to see who picks up on it) to children’s adaptations of classic novels. I think I was eight or nine when I read Huckleberry Finn. Closely thereafter was Tom Sawyer (I read those out of order, funnily enough. Since that mistake I’ve worked very hard never to do it again with any other series), Treasure Island, The Red Badge of Courage, Jekyll and Hyde, Robinson Crusoe, and a host of others. Those are the ones I remember, because I’d re-read them, they were great. I was reading history books (ones designed for kids, simpler language, whatever) by probably nine, at the latest? I always wanted to know more about the world and how it worked. 

I was a weird kid, as a result. Not many ten year olds (or at least none that I met) could have a nuanced conversation about Henry Fleming’s bravery at the battle of Chancellorsville, for instance (that’s Red Badge), or talk about how Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned was actually believed to be pure fabrication. Or that Napoleon was actually tall for the era that he lived in, and that we remember him as being short thanks to a very successful British propaganda campaign back in the Napoleonic Wars... there weren’t a lot of adults that could really talk about this stuff with me either. They’d always be kind of surprised. I had friends in elementary school, it wasn’t all bad, but for a very long time I felt kind of isolated. I think I wrote this before, but I often preferred the company of adults, because I could ask them questions or just discuss things with them that my peers just weren’t equipped to understand. Friends have told me in the past that the concept of being an “old soul” is a stupid one, and I’ll give you that it sounds way too New Age for my tastes (fucking hippy dippy shit) but the basic idea, yeah, I could get behind it. I’ve lived it for most of my life.

I remember a therapist I had back in 2016 who commented, after a few sessions, that I was very mature for my age. I’ve heard that for as long as I can remember, so the automatic response was “thank you, I get that I lot”.

“I did not say that was a good thing, you know”  - her response rattled me a bit, you can imagine. I was always under the impression maturity was a good thing? I’ve always been taught to be mature?

“It’s not bad that you’re mature, necessarily, it isn’t wrong - but where, I ask myself, is the 25 year old man? Your demeanour and manner of speaking, your mannerisms, all suggest a man much older, mid to late thirties at least. Where is your youth?” - fun fact, before I lost sixty pounds and kept a cleaner shave, people often mistook me for somewhere in my thirties. 

Kidding and funny stories aside, I still don’t really have an answer for that, other than that this is who I am. I don’t consider it a flaw. Maybe it’s a shame, but that’s neither here nor there. I was told years ago that when I was in grade one or something like that, my parents had a series of talks with my elementary school’s administration about putting me into a gifted program. My elementary school, for the sake of the story, was all French, and my parents did not speak the language at the time of my admission. The school wasn’t sure about it, so they administered a series of tests and I had some one-on-one time with the principle and the vice where they spoke to me to figure out if I could handle it mentally. From what I’ve come to understand, the tests were cognitive in some way - I remember doing puzzles and shit, but only barely. And by this time, I’d been in the school for a few years. The administration was in favour of advancement, but they didnb’t have a gifted program (the french school board lacks the student body as well as the funding for that where I’m from, see) so they wanted to move me up a grade or two instead. The only thing that stopped this from happening was my teacher at the time - she was of the opinion that I wouldn’t be able to handle it because of the difference in social skills. Not that I lacked them for my age, other than being shy, I’ve never really had a problem interacting with others; it’s just that I was still a first grader. First grade social skills. She was worried I would be ostracized, or bullied. That came later anyway. Irony’s a bitch. Life’ll Kill Ya. Etc, etc. 

Thinking about that actually never really upset me. It still doesn’t. I sometimes wonder how much different my life would have been - and so in a lot of ways, I’m kind of glad it didn’t happen? Some things suck, yeah. The last few months and the things I’m writing about in this series definitely suck. But there’s been a lot of highlights. To paraphrase something I said recently, I have a lot more love than I do “fuck you” in terms of my attitude in general for the world that I live in. I think of myself as a fairly bitter person, but despite saying that, I don’t really think it’s warped me all that much. When I think of “bitter people”, I think of literary characters, Ebeneezer Scrooge and shit like that. I’m not of that nature, despite my mild dislike of the holiday season. 

The downside of writing these without really planning them out and just going off of what I’m thinking at the time in an effort to be honest is that they kind of go all over the place. With that in mind, I’m going to cut this short and start another entry on a different subject. There’s a Monty Python reference for you - Now for Something Completely Different. It might be up tonight, or I might pass out on the couch. Who really knows any more.

#personal #mental health #mental illness #chain breaking series

[letyourheartwin]

Lately I have been thinking that 4w3 so/sp description resonated with me in terms of having ideals of how the world could look like, feeling like I want to make a valuable contribution to the world, and having been socially withdrawn a lot (mostly due to shyness). I can be very self-conscious, I tend to compare myself to others (look up to those I consider more successful). 

But the thing is that I don’t think I have a self-concept of wanting to be unique, or thinking that I am… It’s more questioning why I can’t seem to fit in so easily and feeling shame with that.

I find myself relating a 3s and fear of being worthless. I desire to feel valuable and wanting to appear successful. I could relate to  disintegration to 9 thought process such as, “What is the point? I will never amount to anything  I feel worthless.” I value ambition and success in others as well.

But I do think that core 3s would have accomplished their goals a lot quicker than I have, so I am uncertain 3 is be my core. I have done little things, but I still have a lot of free time and I am doing an administrative job now which makes me feel useful but it’s not something I would want to do for the rest of my life.

I could be a 9, I can relate to some traits such as being open to multiple perspectives and seeing different pov’s, being indecisive,  wanting to avoid conflict (but it’s more because I don’t know how to handle conflict with people I don’t know well), can be lazy and not having clear goals. On some level I do think I could see a fear of being separated from others, and especially fear of being abandoned and isolated from others forever but I don’t think I am driven by a need for peace, it’s not something I think about much. Online I can come across pretty strong and intense sometimes and not laid-back, lol. Disintegration  to a 6, of course everyone has been anxious or worried but I am not sure how it looks like for a 9?

I have considered 8 because I can be quite expressive with my anger, I can get mad and raise my voice when I do, my anger comes and passes quickly.  But I do acknowledge my anger and feel shame because it makes others uncomfortable, it’s inappropriate. Fear of being manipulated is something I could relate to, afraid that others can manipulate me and control me if I appear to be vulnerable. I could also see the disintegration  of 5, withdrawing from others during stress. 

I could maybe see a 1ish influence of perfectionism in some areas and fear of being defective, that something is wrong with me, I’m defect and so I don’t matter as a person or am unlovable.  Disintegration to 4, I have been moody when stressed.

Head types.

I relate to 5s fear of being incompetent a lot. I take pride in being perceived as being competent. I fear being useless, incapable. I desire to be competent and capable. Because my parents have always been over-protective of me, somewhat sheltered me, I don’t have that 5 independence and have this need for security from others because it feels safe. I think I need knowledge and support to survive in the world. 5w6 or 6w5 could work for me, but… While I do like learning new things, I am not all knowledge-seeking as  I think a 5 would be, I like to learn about what I am interested in but I have never been an encyclopedia of knowledge and random facts. But I do desire in knowing how the world works, and I do feel like knowledge is important to put yourself out there. disintegration to 7, I do think I have been hyperactive and scattered in times of stress, but I don’t think I have analyzed that in my behaviour a lot in past or present.

6 could also work, as I have stated above, a desire to be supported by others and feeling like I need support to accomplish anything. But I don’t think I could relate to disintegration to 3, I don’t get competitive and arrogant.

I have thought of 7. There are aspects that I can relate to in terms of seeking intellectual stimulation (but this could also be Ne) and based on some descriptions for example, when I had no stimulation in my outside environment I always had the internet where I could find stimulations and learn a lot about the world. I have always had the thought process of wanting something more and fear of missing out and the older I get, the bigger the fear of missing out seems to become. Fear of being trapped and in pain I can relate to. Disintegration to a 1, I can become perfectionistic and critical and think, “Of course I can’t do anything when I am so indecisive, I’m such a failure.”. But I am not as extroverted and adventurous as a 7 typically would be and I wish I was.

[blakedehart]

Re-evaluating My Goals For 2017

We’re more than halfway through 2017, so I thought it would the perfect time to share the re-evaluation of my goals for the year. At the start of the year, I assessed how I finished 2016 and where I wanted to go from there. I set my 2017 goals to work towards becoming a better storyteller, illustrator, and overall, better person.

Here is that list.

Focus on Finishing Personal Projects, Rather Than Getting Stuck in Perfection & Over Analyzing

Consistently Keep My Blog  

Write Every Day

Share a blog post every Thursday

 Create a Webcomic  

Focus on finishing one page at a time     

Finish One Page Per Month

Share progress updates on the blog

Draw Every Day

Draw 100 Cycles  

Read at least One Factual/Historical Event Book Per Month

Stay Up-To-Date on World Events

 Analysis of Original 2017 Goals

How well have I held up to those goals? I believe I started the year out strong, working on illustration projects, growing as an artist, and continuing my career as a graphic designer. Looking back thus far, I wish I would have included my design career and an illustration project that I’ve been working on. For example, I spent a lot of time illustrating my first children’s book this year.

 Illustrating a Children’s Book

I partnered with a coworker/friend from my previous full-time job to illustrate a story she wrote called Maggie’s New Home. It’s a sweet story about a dog moving to a new place, meeting new friends, and learning to feel at home in her new environment. As an illustrator, it challenged me greatly. We both had a rough vision of how the book might look. Internally, I didn’t feel I had enough mileage to complete the task but I remember someone once said, “Don’t Wait Until You’re Ready”. So I decided to take on the project. It ended up being an amazing learning experience of what it takes to be a professional illustrator and showed me areas where I need to improve to become the best visual storyteller. If you’re interested in buying a copy of my first published work, it’s available on Amazon for 10.99. If you decided to get the book and enjoy it, please leave a review.

When it comes to personal projects, I’ve held up well too. I completed a smaller project and kept my daily tasks. However, I had to break my commitment to a larger comic project that was going to take most of the year to finish. I broke the commitment, not because of how long it was going to take, but because I didn’t feel the story aligned with my vision as a storyteller. As the story lost its purpose, my interest and joy for it began to wane. How can I expect someone else to enjoy my work if I don’t enjoy it? The act of working on it is a different story. There will always come a time when your project gets difficult and that’s when you’ll find yourself growing the most.

 Blogging.

I started off the year okay. I had several blog posts written and shared them somewhat consistently for two months until my schedule flew out of order after pulling an all-nighter on a project for the first time in years. I was trying to rebalance my schedule for most of May. In June I had a better handle on my schedule again. However, I was focusing on my comic, personal writing, and considering vlogging the process of creating my comic. I still wasn’t satisfied with the way things were going so I took the Seanwes course 30-Days to Better Writing to get me back on track. I finished July with a clearer vision of the direction I wanted to go as a designer, illustrator, and storyteller. As for my blog, I was planning to get back into doing it on a consistent schedule similar to what I did early on. I felt like that was too formulaic and not how I wanted to share my work-in-progress. I will elaborate on it more soon.

 Create a Webcomic.

I had been working on the script and started thumbnailing a comic I titled Aster since May 2016. The story got much better than where it started and I was looking forward to having it see the light of day until I got this feeling that it wasn’t a story I wanted to tell. Maybe someday I will want to tell it. That being said, from January 2017 to July 2017 I was consistently working on either the script, character design, or thumbnails for this, with the exception of May. I planned to have a few pages done by the end of August to start sharing it online. I was considering sharing it on Webtoons or Tumblr, in addition to my website.

I also planned to share the progress on my blog until I started sharing time-lapse videos of my warmups and smaller illustration projects. That’s when I thought, wouldn’t it be better to vlog the progress of making my comic by taking on the 100 Days of Making Comics Challenge? That turned out to be a whole other animal. I thought I needed to have my YouTube Channel consistently branded from the channel page to my video intro and outro, and video featured images. That was easy enough, but recording and editing the videos was where I got tripped up. Recording and editing other people came much more naturally to me than looking at myself, hearing my own voice, or keeping the videos concise and engaging. When I couldn’t do that I decided to focus on what I could do which was making the comic. One day I’ll be up for the challenge again, but for now, I'm going to blog my progress and work on the comic.

After reevaluating my goals as a storyteller I found my goals aligning with another story that I had been thinking about and researching for since February. Since then I’ve written a twelve-page script. I’m nearly done thumbnailing it and working on character designs. By the time you’re reading this I should be done with all of those and move onto tight pencils and inking. I also have notes for how I want the protagonist to grow and where I believe his story is going. I’m looking forward to sharing my concept art and work in progress when I’m closer to sharing the introduction to this story.

 Draw Every Day.

When I was in the thick of it I attribute my drawing every day to having a warm-up session prior to working on any illustration projects for myself or clients. My most consistent warm-ups have been figure drawing, however, I like to practice shapes, lines, dimension, and perspective too. I would also record my warm-up sessions and sometimes the process of working on actual projects. That is something I plan to start doing again. Today I am still making an effort to draw every day despite not always achieving that goal. A few things I would attribute to helping me keep this goal is drawing in a sketchbook instead of always on my pen display. There’s something about touching a pencil to paper that can’t be replicated digitally. In addition to that, I would say taking an illustration course or doing master studies also challenges me to draw every day. Taking courses helps you get a new perspective on the way you approach your composition or characters. Master studies allows me to zero in on the nuances of the art I like and understand how I can incorporate some of those things into my own art. When it comes down to it, you have to do whatever it takes to get you drawing every day by using deliberate practices to grow as an artist, while having fun while doing it.

 Read at least One Factual/Historical Event Book Per Month

I never got started with this. I set the goal but neglected to clearly define a plan of action. I didn’t outline a specific moment in history that I wanted to learn more about. Whenever I would go to the bookstore or look online, I would be paralyzed with indecision. Looking back on those times, I think using this goal as an opportunity to dig deeper into researching past events, people, and places similar to the stories I'm writing is be the best way to take action on this goal. 

 Stay Up-To-Date on World Events

This year I feel like I’ve watched the news more than ever. The political climate of the US and its international relations is in a place I didn’t imagine ever seeing. I believe everything will work out for the best with everyone taking a stand in the way they find most effective. Outside of the political chaos, there seems to be just as much on the ground locally. So much senseless crime. That being said, the news always makes sure to have a handful of sweet neighborhood features about good things going on, a ray of sunshine amongst dark clouds. It’s been refreshing to make more of an effort to watch the news, especially when it comes to social issues related to inequalities and seeing people come together in hope of making a change. I don’t know that I’m any more informed about world news by watching it on tv versus visiting the news station websites. Either way, its good to stay informed.

I started writing this blog post prior to Hurricane Harvey hitting. Instead of editing what I wrote above I decided to add onto it. The devastation of a catastrophe like a hurricane is unbelievable. It’s been amazing to see people coming together to selflessly help one another. The way people and news stations have been able to use today’s technology to aid in the search and rescue efforts is remarkable. Too often people use technology for mindless consumption, isolating themselves from real human interaction or to tear one another down. Thank God, that people are coming together in unity for the greater good.

 My Current 2017 Goals

Make a Comic

Continue Blogging

Get a Full-Time Design Job

Continue Learning

Before writing this blog post I had been doing a lot of self-reflection during my morning writing on how to move forward with the goals above. During this re-evaluation, I based the evolution of my goals on where I want to be as a person, graphic designer, artist and a storyteller. I also wanted to simplify the list. That being said, just because something isn’t on my list doesn’t mean I won’t be doing it anymore unless I actually state that I won’t be doing it.

 Goal No. 01: Make a Comic

I’m still making a comic, however, I have a solid idea of the stories I believe I need to tell at this point in my life. Before I was taking every idea I had that seemed like it would be interesting and somewhat meaningful. Whereas now, I want to focus more on capturing honesty through the growth and struggles of the protagonist's character and the world around them. I feel like I was trying to do this before but I was trying to force it and it came off as unrealistic. People would tell me the stories had heart, but something was missing. It was as if I was trying to tell someone else's story. In doing that, I made the story unrelatable even for myself. I had written a twenty-something page script for my comic, ASTER, but I didn’t know where to go from there. I had taken the character to a place I had never been. Sometimes I believe that is when I needed to do more research and ideation because I didn’t know my character Aster well enough to know what she would realistically do next. Since I’ve made the decision to work on TJÖRN I feel more in touch with the character and where he’s headed. It’s almost like I’m writing about myself, except there’s a science fiction element to it.

One of the things that helped me get to that place is thinking about the comics and cartoons that had an impact on me. My favorite cartoon of all-time is Nickelodeon’s Doug so I did some research on the show and its creator, Jim Jinkins. I discovered that Doug was based on Jinkin's experiences growing up. He also viewed it essential that each episode contains a moral. On top of that, he wasn’t just the story guy he was actually the illustrator behind the characters original designs and that the show was also inspired by Peanuts. I also felt a connection to Jinkin's theme for the series, “a world where everyone took honesty seriously."

 Goal No. 02: Continue Blogging

I’m going to continue writing my blog, however, I want to rethink how I’m approaching it. I want to approach my blog as a journal and document what I’m learning through doing my projects, daily sketching, and my independent art studies. I’ve thought about this before, especially when I first saw the Gary Vee video, "Document, Don't Create", last year. As I was writing this post he released a follow-up video on how to start documenting. Both of the videos are below. (Forewarning, Gary Vee swears a lot.)

When I first considered blogging, everyone I was following recommended creating a catalog of blog posts before I got started. In theory that sounds great. It will help you save time and stay consistent, especially for a large company, but it seems a bit insincere and calculated for an individual. I believe I just need to schedule a short chunk of time, 10 to 20 minutes, to grab a few sketches or finished pieces from a project or course I’m taking and write a few paragraphs about what I learned in the process. Let me know if that sounds interesting to you?

 Goal No. 03: Get a Full-Time Design Job

I wasn’t sure how to approach this one. I didn’t put it on my original goals list. It was just something I knew I needed to do. At the beginning of 2017, my wife and I left our full-time jobs in Northeast Ohio to move back to Southern California to be closer to our family here. We had been looking for jobs here for over a year and had some promising opportunities. However, it seemed like most companies and organizations wanted someone already here. I figure companies are thinking, why go through the process of tests and interviews with someone from out of state when there is an overabundance of experienced people right here? So we saved up enough money to be okay for a year while living with my in-laws and started looking for jobs when we got here. The experience has been mostly good so far and a great learning experience. The first few months we were riding the high of our new adventure and I have some client work as a self-employed designer. During the summer my wife was hired at an awesome place where she’s passionate about the work they’re doing, loves her co-workers and the work environment.

My search is still in progress. I’ve had some opportunities that seemed like a good fit but they didn’t work out. From the beginning of my search to now, I’ve relearned a few important lessons and learned some things I feel I should have known already.

Be Selective What I mean by this is to focus on places that seem like you would be a good fit. Even when I was applying to places that I wasn’t particularly interested or seemed like a good fit for me, I customized my resume and coverletter to the specific needs of the company and did my best to appear interested in the position. However, if my application ever got in front of a real person it probably didn’t take them long to see through it or my portfolio website to decide that my work and overall personality wasn’t a good fit for them.

Communicate When you find those places that you believe would be a good fit for you, the next step is to communicate with them outside of the job application form before applying. See if you have a mutual friend to someone in the company to connect you to HR or an Art Director. Let them know just how interested you are in the position, the company's mission, vision, and products or services. Almost like a prologue to your coverletter.

Simplify To be more specific, by simplifying, I mean putting less time and attention on side projects, passion projects, and courses that aren’t helping you get towards your goal of getting a job in the certain field or industry. It also depends on what your day looks like, are you working somewhere full-time already and have limited evening time or working part-time and have more time to spare? Either way, you need to consider the amount of time you’re putting into everything you’re doing.

Prior to my recent job hunting, I’ve heard and read advice similar on several blogs, podcasts, and YouTube videos. However, I took it with a grain of salt because it wasn't something I had to do in the past. I’ve been implementing some of these tactics during my 2017 job hunt but the results have been minimal so I’ve decided to lean into the advice even more than I have been. If anyone is interested in hearing how it goes, let me know and I’ll do a follow-up blog when I’m on the other side.

 Goal No. 04: Continue Learning

In the design and illustration work that I’m doing, I’ll be growing and learning from experience. However, I also need to make sure that I incorporate time for deliberate practice and learning into my schedule. Sometimes that looks like doing master studies or drawing from life, while other times it will be taking a course or focusing on a single thing that I need to improve. After all, Bruce Lee said, “I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times”. 

I don’t think I’m leaving anything out and this is already a long post so I’m going to bring it to a close. This will be the last post written in a long-form style. It’s still going to take time to put things together. However, I’m looking forward to simply documenting what I’m making rather than focusing on creating content and writing something that has to be meaningful.

- Blake

#Reflection #Goals #Creativity #Learning #Growth #Progress #Measuring Progress #Improving

[iintotheocean-blog]

Sure be cool if you did

Well the school year is almost over. Can you believe it? I made it through an entire year of college. Again. I didn’t accomplish many things I wanted to, though. But I guess thats what next year will be for.

I’m moving home next week. Back to my parents’ house for the summer. I’ll be working at the security gig again, but back at the bottom. None of this $18/hr crap, now I’m making $10.50/hr. Isn’t that great. But at least I’ll be back with my old buddies and we can have a good time for the next few months.

Kim moved away. To Seattle. She’s been on the road for the last 2 days. Probably got there by now. I’m kinda sad about that. If there was ever a chance (there wasn’t) it’s gone now. Then again, I may be moving to Seattle in a few years anyway. I want a condo with a nice view. Hopefully this degree will help with that.

I’ve been doing better in school. The first half of this semester was a disaster. I fell down into a depression again. I could barely get anything done. I couldn’t concentrate, and I was just miserable. I started seeing a counselor, and eventually a psychiatrist. We think I may have ADHD-PI, which may be the base cause of a lot of my issues. The concentration, procrastination, forgetfulness, social isolation, anxiety, etc. I’m supposed to receive a ritalin prescription this week or next. Hopefully it will come in before next Friday, because I have to move to start working. Anyway, I have a lot of hope.

Lol, the above paragraph is pretty common of my ADHD. I was going to describe how my semester has gotten better lately, but turned into something else. Anyway, my semester got better. Not socially or mentally, mind you, but academically. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork to avoid boredom. I get bored so easily, it sucks. But it’s good for schoolwork sometimes I guess. 

I had to make a virtual stack machine in Java as a semester project. I was anxious about it and putting it off all semester. Yesterday, I opened it up and took a crack at it. And finished it. In one day. I’m really good at programming, I’ll give myself that one. I’m really proud of that stack machine too, because it really goes to show how far I’ve come since coming here. It often feels like I’m not learning anything (anything useful anyway), but I now intricately understand stacks, callstacks, assembly, processor architecture, databases, and a variety of other things. This fall, I’ll be taking one of the most difficult classes in the course, Data Structures and Algorithms. Hopefully with my programming skills and the help of the ritalin, I’ll do well.

So, I’ve been losing weight as well. Like, a lot. I’ve lost 25 pounds since I started working at it last fall. Granted, that’s not as much as it could be, but its still good. I’m at 171 right now. I’ve actually been losing fat, even though I’ve been platueued at the same weight for the last 3 months. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently. I think it really helps manage a lot of the depression and anxiety I feel. I’m gaining muscle mass and have upped weight on most sets. Hopefully by this fall I’ll have shaved off the rest of this fat and have a beach bod.

I was feeling pretty down about my looks for a while. Feeling fat and ugly and undesirable. Short. I don’t know. I posted some pictures on /r/amiugly and the response was an overwhelming NO. In fact, I received over 20 comments telling me I’m attractive. One girl even gave me a 7.5/10, one said I was “really freakin cute” and another said “I’d date you.” So, I’ve actually been feeling better about my looks lately. Which is good, because thats always been one of the big things that keeps me socially isolated.

So, social isolation. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. Ha. It’s funny. I remember starting this blog in 2015 and I had just started feeling lonely. Before I started this blog, I was actually quite happy with being single. I had been in that messy relationship for 2 years, and being free and unchained was a huge boon to my mental health. I felt confident back then too, like I could easily get girls. I mean, when I was in a relationship I could barely keep them off of me. Lol, not really. But it felt that way sometimes. I was very confident and easily talked to girls. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I left Amanda was because I felt like I could do so much better. Who knew I’d end up where I am now?

It’s been 3 years since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s been over 6 months since I last got laid. just over 7 I think, actually. And that was a fluke. She only slept with me to get back at Casey. I tried to woo her again a bit over a month ago, but even with a bottle of wine and an evening spent at her apartment, nothing happened. I just have no game anymore. I should be able to woo girls. I mean, we’ve already slept together, I’m attractive, we had alcohol in our systems, and we spent at least an hour on the topic of sex. And yet...? Nada. I don’t know.

That’s what really bothers me. I don’t even try anymore. Before, I tried and failed. That sucked, but at least I tried. I mean, think about it. Christina, Amanda, Courtney, Tiffany Judy, TCU chick, Kim, exchange program chick, Hannah. I may even include Lauren in that list. I mean, most of those led to nothing, but at least I made an effort. Now, I don’t even try. I don’t know why not. Let’s try a thought experiment.

I see a gorgeous girl sitting alone who I feel is in my league. I want to talk to her. What happens? I should talk to her. I just walk away. Nothing goes through my mind, no feelings occur other than shame. Why do I walk away? If I start to approach, I get nervous. The more I approach, the more nervous I get. Some thoughts run through my head, like “What do I say?” or possible openers. My heart starts racing. I start feeling nauseous. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. If I give it an attempt, I come off as very nervous and kind of weird. I can’t think of anything to say other than general small talk. Either she gets up and leaves or I do. I spend the rest of the day feeling like COMPLETE shit, replaying the embarrassment in my head, playing alternate conversations in my head, and may even consider suicide.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like social anxiety to me. Thats just ridiculous. The weird thing is that its only when it’s in that context. Need to talk about academics? work? Ask to borrow something? No problem. Hmm. Maybe that should be my opener then. Hey, do you have a stapler I can borrow? Then while I use it, just talk about what I’m doing, ask her what shes doing, etc.

Alright. Lets try another thought experiment. You’re at the bar. You see a girl you would like to talk to sitting alone, or is obviously the only one in the group w/o a boyfriend. You’ve been scoping her out and she’s available to talk to. You’re slightly drunk. She’s drinking too. A good dance song is on. What do you do?

I think about it. I tell Casey. He encourages me to go over there. I say no and laugh it off. Then feel shame. Alright what happens if you decide to walk over. I walk over, drink in hand. I approach from the front-side so she doesn’t get spooked. I stop next to her, and say hi. She says hi. Assuming she doesn’t ignore me, look at me weird, or tell me to fuck off, I ask if she would like to dance. If she says no, thank her for her time and leave. Feel dejected. Start drinking heavier. Go home and hate myself. If she says yes, tell her, “I gotta warn you though, I’m new to two-stepping.” If still yes, then take her hand and walk onto the dance floor. Get her name, ask her if she goes to school here. Eventually take the conversation off of the dance floor. Try to get her number.

Ugh. See. It’s not that hard. It’s all in my head. ITS ALL IN MY HEAD. Why?? Why can’t I make it stop. Fuck. Well. Fuck. I hope the Ritalin solves this somewhat. I read online that it can help immensely with confidence. I believe it. When I popped molly I was very social and not anxious at all. Same with shrooms, kind of. Well, I guess we will find out. 

I just hope this social isolation ends soon. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m actually just typing this because I have no one to talk to right now and I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I can relax. They won’t leave until I start letting them out in some way or another. I can’t handle being alone anymore though. I find myself pretending I have a girlfriend when I’m alone. Grabbing at the air, closing my eyes and imagining I’m cuddling, having pretend conversations with the chair next to me. Talking about my day to the only thing that will listen. I’ve actually written more on this post than I wrote for my semester essay. Lol. Fuck.

Anyway. It’s going to be really awkward if anyone ever finds this blog. They’ll think I’m insane or something. Pretending to talk to someone. They probably just don’t know what it’s like to be so isolated by your own mind. It’s terrible. It’s a living hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody.