letyourheartwin

[letyourheartwin]

Lately I have been thinking that 4w3 so/sp description resonated with me in terms of having ideals of how the world could look like, feeling like I want to make a valuable contribution to the world, and having been socially withdrawn a lot (mostly due to shyness). I can be very self-conscious, I tend to compare myself to others (look up to those I consider more successful). 

But the thing is that I don’t think I have a self-concept of wanting to be unique, or thinking that I am… It’s more questioning why I can’t seem to fit in so easily and feeling shame with that.

I find myself relating a 3s and fear of being worthless. I desire to feel valuable and wanting to appear successful. I could relate to  disintegration to 9 thought process such as, “What is the point? I will never amount to anything  I feel worthless.” I value ambition and success in others as well.

But I do think that core 3s would have accomplished their goals a lot quicker than I have, so I am uncertain 3 is be my core. I have done little things, but I still have a lot of free time and I am doing an administrative job now which makes me feel useful but it’s not something I would want to do for the rest of my life.

I could be a 9, I can relate to some traits such as being open to multiple perspectives and seeing different pov’s, being indecisive,  wanting to avoid conflict (but it’s more because I don’t know how to handle conflict with people I don’t know well), can be lazy and not having clear goals. On some level I do think I could see a fear of being separated from others, and especially fear of being abandoned and isolated from others forever but I don’t think I am driven by a need for peace, it’s not something I think about much. Online I can come across pretty strong and intense sometimes and not laid-back, lol. Disintegration  to a 6, of course everyone has been anxious or worried but I am not sure how it looks like for a 9?

I have considered 8 because I can be quite expressive with my anger, I can get mad and raise my voice when I do, my anger comes and passes quickly.  But I do acknowledge my anger and feel shame because it makes others uncomfortable, it’s inappropriate. Fear of being manipulated is something I could relate to, afraid that others can manipulate me and control me if I appear to be vulnerable. I could also see the disintegration  of 5, withdrawing from others during stress. 

I could maybe see a 1ish influence of perfectionism in some areas and fear of being defective, that something is wrong with me, I’m defect and so I don’t matter as a person or am unlovable.  Disintegration to 4, I have been moody when stressed.

Head types.

I relate to 5s fear of being incompetent a lot. I take pride in being perceived as being competent. I fear being useless, incapable. I desire to be competent and capable. Because my parents have always been over-protective of me, somewhat sheltered me, I don’t have that 5 independence and have this need for security from others because it feels safe. I think I need knowledge and support to survive in the world. 5w6 or 6w5 could work for me, but… While I do like learning new things, I am not all knowledge-seeking as  I think a 5 would be, I like to learn about what I am interested in but I have never been an encyclopedia of knowledge and random facts. But I do desire in knowing how the world works, and I do feel like knowledge is important to put yourself out there. disintegration to 7, I do think I have been hyperactive and scattered in times of stress, but I don’t think I have analyzed that in my behaviour a lot in past or present.

6 could also work, as I have stated above, a desire to be supported by others and feeling like I need support to accomplish anything. But I don’t think I could relate to disintegration to 3, I don’t get competitive and arrogant.

I have thought of 7. There are aspects that I can relate to in terms of seeking intellectual stimulation (but this could also be Ne) and based on some descriptions for example, when I had no stimulation in my outside environment I always had the internet where I could find stimulations and learn a lot about the world. I have always had the thought process of wanting something more and fear of missing out and the older I get, the bigger the fear of missing out seems to become. Fear of being trapped and in pain I can relate to. Disintegration to a 1, I can become perfectionistic and critical and think, “Of course I can’t do anything when I am so indecisive, I’m such a failure.”. But I am not as extroverted and adventurous as a 7 typically would be and I wish I was.