#so i’m trying to control myself

[oneguardian15]

anyone else ever get like emotionally dependent on a certain hyperfixation? like your main and nearly only source of joy comes from that thing and content for it and it’s like the main thing you think about or that’s in the back of your mind all day? and it’s like you’re so dependent on it, and you’re aware of it, to the point where it’s like you’re blissful but also deeply sad at the exact same time when thinking about it or consuming it? it’s like a bone deep euphoric melancholy… and it’ll consume you for a while until you slowly become less dependent on it. and it’s like you don’t get to choose when that is. it just happens. either slowly or all at once. maybe another hyperfixation takes it place or something. anyway, yeah, i get like that sometimes. never know how long it’ll last.

#right now it’s trigun for me #if i’m not listening to the music or looking at the spiky husbando i’m in despair #i’ve watched my fave scenes from the show several times in just the past few days #watched the show like twice in the past week #it would be more if i didn’t have a job. but i still gotta adult #but like i’m super aware of it this time which is almost worse #so i’m trying to control myself #i need to chill #but it’s not easy #played some genshin last night just to keep my hands busy and my mind off of it #this happened to me six months ago with one piece too #was totally blissful until it started making me sad and then it was both #so #yeah i’m simultaneously happy and sad #weird feeling #like an out of body experience or something #anyway #interview with the guardian

[skillzissuez]

Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed

#god I hate it here #not to mention you mother and father #SEEING this #simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead #like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀 #I don’t know how to fix this #I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days #but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive #Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭 #it’s so bad though #I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress #and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc. #it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me #sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong. #Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong #but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me #My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents #but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department #I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really #I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪 #As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷‍♂️ #I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you. #seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind #if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps #but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now. #anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize #it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys #I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno #tw vent #tw mention of abuse

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night #woof #like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago #if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses #bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink #WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL #and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie #is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized #bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!! #barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold #god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY #this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!! #i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me #i dont want ptsd to control my life #i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch #thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like #but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it #and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore #which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally #cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff #colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back #STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 #THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.

[ricky-is-too-silly]

I’m trying to find things for local theater, but I literally can’t find any. And I’m actually so sad about it. I really want to audition for something, but I can’t because the area I live in doesn’t have much for theater, or anything under the large umbrella of art. And like, I know I’d be decent at singing for a musical, but I’m still terrified to audition. Like, what if I don’t get casted bc of my tics, bc of the area I live in? Ik it’s probably an irrational fear, but like, that could stop me from getting more important rolls. aughewgsyshwhdyvs I hate this so muchbsgxgsj

#I’m actually crying rn #Maybe that’s bc I’m dramatic #But still #like #Theater is something I want to try out because I love watching it so much #But I literally can’t because there’s no productions for things I can audition for #And even then #something that I can’t control could possibly make me not get accepted #I hate everything about myself so much rn

[thesilversun]

I appear to be writing more MLC fic, which is not the sequel to the one I finished posting a couple of days ago.

So, DFS and LXY, hiding out in the wedding room, drinking the wine. Only JLQ had known that DFS wasn’t going to want her in bed - he didn’t want to marry her at all and he certainly didn’t want to get intimate with her.

So the wine is drugged, there an aphrodisiac in it.

DFS and LXY have the option of taking care of matter themselves with regards to its effect. They are aware of what they are doing.

L ‘I Don’t have desires anymore’ XY telling DFS he won’t be affected. That he’s not been able to get it up for years - just another side effect of the poison.

Then finding that no, he’s actually completely wrong on that matter, and it is affecting him after all. And it’s wonderful and awful, because it reminds him of what he’s lost.

Anyway they have to confront things between them that they been ignoring, and they are both downright awful at talking about feelings. So they fuck about it, and maybe some honest words are spoken.

#mysterious lotus casebook #writing #cw noncon #planned non con that doesn’t happen #jiao Liqiao already poisoned him with something designed to try and put him under her control #then when that didn’t work hurt him so he couldn’t escape #she would very much give him an aphrodisiac/sex pollen type thing telling him all the time it’s happening she knows he loves her really #I’m not quite sure I could bring myself to write that particular fic however #fic writing #fic ideas #DiHua #Di Feisheng/Li Xiangyi #di feisheng #li xiangyi #li lianhua

[perce-jpg]

gloomstalker assassin haima

#by god does it fit the vibe #not with how druidic ranger tends to lean though #MONK IS SO IMPORTANT TOO AGH #i’ll have to play a run with it eventually #the more i think about it the more i love it like narritively #i also wanted to try a solo run sometime and this build might be better suited for that #future simon.. THINK ABOUT IT!!!! #simon says #EDIT. NOW IM CRAZY ABOUT IT WHOOPS AHAHA #that whole philosophy of distance as a means for control #and range letting you carefully and accurately set up a shot #as opposed to getting up close and personal with melee #plus bhaaly boys whole thing with daggers #something something again that idea of distance #can’t spin out and attack someone by accident if you’re chilling in the bushes 30 feet away #edit 2 do arrows count as piercing #edit 3 THEY ARE. WE’RE IN BUISNESS BABY #edit 5 now i’m talking myself out of it with rogue/monk favoritism #the build for my fictional video game oc is IMPERATIVE it’s got me weighing pros and cons rn /j #i leave this for mornjng simon who will either continue the nerd debate or think i’m bonkers

[prettyboysmlm]

just to warn everyone who’s interested in me: i have an overwhelming addiction to squishmallows and plushies in general so if u do want to become life partners this is smth to take into consideration

#you might be thinking #‘oh he probably had like ten or smth!’ #wrong. #it’s 45. #i have 45 squishmallows. #that’s not even counting all my normal plushies #i just can’t help it they’re too cute and cuddly #i love them too much to get rid of them #and i don’t have enough self control to *not* buy more #bc there’s always one that captures my eye and heart and then i need it #i’ll try to be better abt it i tell myself #i’ll get rid of some eventually i lie to myself #but i know i never will bc now i’m attached to all of them and personified them so if i give them away it’s like giving away my own child #i love all of them too much to let go #i’m sorry i know that’s a ballbuster for a lot of people #k.txt

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[dyna-myght]

Feeling motivated finally to get back into working out

#starting w the basics #so I’m doing like things like just dance for the cardio #and then I’m just doing really basic push ups and sit ups #my goal this time is more tangible #I want to be able to do pull ups again #I’ve called quite out of shape and have been eating pretty badly #I mean tbh I definitely have gotten a bit better w my diet recently #I just need to push myself harder this time around and really establish better habits #I’m also thinking of trying to quite soda finally #that is probably gonna be the hardest tho #but I really need to bc that’s part of why my having fast food has gotten so out of control #bc I mostly just want the soda but and up ordering more than that #gotten* don’t know how that autocorrected to called 😭

[emmaspolaroid]

what a long day

#through a series of events out of our control we had to change plans which meant i didn’t have the car today #and couldn’t take my nanny baby to story time at the bookstore i was like :(!!!!!! about it bc wtf! #I’ve been so busy that i had to dedicate every free moment today to finishing my book club book (which i did! right on time thank you) #also had to run to the grocery store .. I’m about to be behind on drawings if i don’t get at least one done by the weekend #agh and the house is a disaster we’ve both barely been home and have a Need to do our hobbies to feel sane so ugh #However i got caught up on loan payments this week and that’s important. I guess. so this must continue. #really i should give myself credit i nanny five days a week and am preparing for artist alley and also read an entire book today like Girl. #I’m kinda venting now lol but i don’t want to spread myself too thin and get sick and I’m trying to rest but I’m not very good at it #I do however want to be able to do everything i want forever and that kinda costs money

[starbuck]

i feel like i am going to disintegrate and explode but, in good news, i may have discovered a rare tree!

#in bad news - i MIGHT have misidentified it and publicly humiliate myself! #the possibilities of the universe are truly endless… #honestly i’d just like to stop having a 24/7 anxiety attack - i feel extraordinarily unwell #and i don’t know how to stop it #because the problem is me being anxious about several massive unresolved issues that are 90% out of my control #i call things like that my spinning plates #and one spinning plate is okay… maybe i can even handle two #but once too many plates get spinning - that freaks me out #and i won’t stop freaking out until the issues are resolved and i can stop worrying about holding them up and not breaking them #so in the meantime all i can really do is attempt to manage myself #which is hard when my brain is fucking SCREAMING all the time every day and night always #but i’m Trying #it would be cool if the tree was real #it would be nice

[youretoosweetforme]

.

#just venting #you dont need to read #and if you choose to you dont need to respond at all #why does everything need to be so fucking difficult #literally everything is just too much #i hate it #i cant focus #i cant listen #its so distressing that i just start crying whenever i have to try #and i cant even fucking take care of myself #i dont think ive eaten enough today #i genuinely cant tell if i’m not hungry or punishing myself at this point #tbh it’s probably both #half the time i cant even look in a mirror for more than a few seconds #i feel like throwing up or something #i hate this #i hate the pressure and the expectations and the way i cant handle either #if i had less self control i would have put a hole in the wall or shattered a mirror by now #antiopa #mack speaks to the void

[thiscreaturehardlyresemblesman]

these lyrics r so funny Heart can’t do math I bet the fastest way to get him to give Mind control is to ask Heart anything math related like “(that is NOT my department)” he just like me fr fr

#cj heart #the heart acoustic #the heart #chonny rambles #chonny jash tally hall #chonny jash heart #kinning #I’m probably dyscalculic bro #was listening to this and crying while trying to do math earlier #like life CANT thrive controlled by digits hes so right #I CAN no longer bring myself to care

[whimsyprinx]

I think the lack of having a secure place in peoples lives and the world in general is killing me 🩷

#whimsy whispers #go figure who would’ve though this isn’t new news but it’s like every single day I question if I’m going to be tossed aside or if I already #have been and no matter how lovely i try to be or how useful I make myself I can’t control how people feel on a whim #it’s very fun for me feeling like I’m walking on thin ice that’s going to crack under the pressure at any moment with zero warning #totoslly not maddening whatsoever #I’ve been tossed aside so many times at this point and it’s only a matter of time before it happens again and when it does I don’t know what #I’ll even do

[evansbby]

I swear to god this place gives me so much anxiety now

#like I’m so fuckin anxious already #and then to come on here and it’s just more anxiety #and I try to churn out all this content just to distract myself and maybe have a little bit of fun but #it’s just not working anymore #like I don’t know what’s wrong with me #always so anxious always so afraid I’m annoying people #and this just isn’t fun anymore #and I’m just too sensitive #or maybe I’m just in a mood today cos too much shit is happening in my life that I can’t control #and every little thing starts to affect me #i always said to myself that if it stopped being fun then I’d just quietly leave #and this isn’t me being quiet it’s just me whining in the tags as per usual and I know that #but it’s whatever #basically what I’m trying to say is for some reason tumblr is giving me so much anxiety #like you know when your heart is just sinking and for no reason??? #that type of feeling #and everything and anything gets to me #IDEK man pls ignore