#so fuckig good i couldnt not do it

[tomlinsun]

☆ HERE(1).zip ☆

#seventeen #svt #svtedit #svtsource #svtdaily #hello long time no see its been like ten years since i last did one of these but the pics are #so fuckig good i couldnt not do it #finally some good fucking food :') #scoups #jeonghan #joshua #jun #hoshi #wonwoo #woozi #dk #mingyu #minghao #the8 #seungkwan #vernon #dino #mine

[vampfucker666]

i need 2 get back into a non vn reading phase but i just get wayyy way too fucking in to it like full body HOLY SHIT excitement so its hard to do as like..... a going to bed thing.

#i have to desensitize myself a little bit but tonight is not a good night to do so lol #i mean this would be SLIGHTLY fixed if i read more boring things but............ #visual novels kind of drip feed you and once you get used to that it can b very relaxing. #i dont get nearly as HOLYYY SHIITTTT ITS HAPPENINNGGGG with visual novels or whatever #not until like the very end of a route/the game #whereas i just read the summary of smth and i lnew i couldnt read it tonight cause id go on a whole fuckig binge

[tasmanianstripes]

Absolutely hate it when language classes aren't split into two groups only because there aren't enough people in class

Literally curb stomping people's education and skill growth for some arbitrary number

#thylacines can talk #ONE person left our classroom and suddenly we had to be put back into one group and english went from one of my favourite classes to #the most boring one we had. fucking ONE person. and advanced group was a lot smaller than the other group anyway and the person that left #wasnt even from our group!! literally what the fuck!!!!!!!!! #we went from fun engaging class to being done with our assigments in the first few minutes and then sitting around doing nothing while the #teacher focused on the other students. which for the record im not mad about. itd be WAY shittier if she focused on us and left the other #students in the dust. what i AM mad about though is the fact they ~had to~ put our groups together because of some idiotic number in the #system when we were literally ONE FUCKIG PERSON SHORT FROM BEING ALLOWED TO SPLIT INTO GROUPS #this is bullshit. just. why in the fuck would you do yhat? even if you had to couldnt you just let classes so close to the minimum #requirement be split up anyways??? im honestly not at all surprised. the school system doesnt give a fuck about its students. #its a good thing our english teacher was normal and reasonable because she COULD focus on the advanced group and let the other students #fend for themselves but she didnt. unlike our math teacher who only focused on the best students and didnt bother to help the others. #a good majority of our class had to get tutors for math. and when my grades went up and i finally started doing work in class because #i finally knew how to the bitch took the credit. 'see what happens when you pay attention in class' GOD I WANTED TO SLAP HER SO BAD AT THAT #MOMENT. she was such a bad teacher and the school didn't do shit about it even when we complained. #this has turned into a general school rant huh #anyway fuck the school system it doesnt give a fuck about its students. doesnt punish horrible teachers and if you have a different style #of learning or any kind of neurodevelopmental or learning disability WELL GOOD FUCKING LUCK THEN coz youre gonna need it #the school system absolutely fucked me over and for a long time i thught that i was just lazy but no i sctually love learning and i do #wonderfully when i get appriopriate accessibility. who would have thought. the fact that the only accessibility feature they give is 5-15 #more minutes on tests is a fucking joke. #man why is it always the math teachers that suck so fucking much #both my middle school and technicial institute (is it what its called in english???) math teachers SUCKED. i always thought i hated math #but after dropping out and doing math in my free time through educational videos and shit i realised on this is actually very fun #provided your teacher doesnt fucking suck

[stars-n-light]

besties i’m gonna be honest it’s not looking too hot

#tw suicide #in the tags #but god i want to fuckig lull myself so god damn badly i hate everyone i hate everything i wish i had never been fucking born #i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate how fucking disgusting and pathetic and worthless i am i hate being fucking alive i hate doing this #god please why couldn’t it have been me why couldn’t it have been me WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN ME #I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO GODDAM TIRED OF FAILURE AND INADEQUACY I WANT EVERYTHING TO STOP #anyways i’m going to bed #im probably overreacting #but good lord #i hate being alive #neg. vent

[dissidiawol]

LITERALLY THIS PIC ISNT BAD AT ALL BUT its so so so so so fucking lame in comparison to what i dreamed of so i feel fucking HORRIBLE about it

#the pic was so good it was such a good fuckig idea but i just #couldnt do it #ugh

[gumdecay]

.

#me: drunk & eating doritos & thinking abt how long its been since mybf fucked me #the last time was in My Own Bed ummmm like 3 weeks ago probably and we had 2 b real quiet bc my roomates right but i remember the way he sou #nded when he came n like..... hm....... horny. hes ot evn supposed 2 b my bf anymore but uhhh Im Weak n were back 2gether evn tho we nvr rll #y... brok up.. bc we talked the entire timelmfao but uhhh im Weak n apparently like. living out the hs drama relationships i nvr had bc i dr #opped out basically at 14 lol like. hm. ok. i keep thinkingabt. #everything ig. #hm. hm. wanna b dicked dow nbut hes too Responsible n Adult 2 do it n imjust. like. fuck ur job ok come give me dick or buy me an uber 2 ur #place eitehr way. i just waann feel. close. to someone. n i nvr evr do n like. 'i wanna make u smile all the time' ok then btch Do It its no #t hard!!!! but w/e w/e w/e w/e lol in. 4 months? i will b better. can leave again. find st new. i wana Chage i thought he hair wld do it but #uhhhh typical bpd fix isnt working so. kms? dribkn constatly? get mystupid fuckig dealer 2 reply n sell me molly or mb coke again? #hm. decision!! #move out of state? disappear? kms???? i camerlly close abt a week ago like wrote out suicide note n letter 2 everybody but uhhhhh i started #writing 2 Him n like. couldnt do it! evn prayed 2 like..go thru w it// but cldnt do it 2 him.. dunno why. just pathetic ig #i wish i had ppl 2 like. have fu nw/ that r close enough2 do it enough 2 keep me going. but uhh i dont so. living 4 Him n my dog lol.its ok #my hands n feet have started goig umb ny time im drunk n im getting blurry vision a lot again hopefully ill just..drop dead of diabetic comp #lictions or st. leave me where i wana b (dead) w/o all the guilt of ding it myslf. donthave 2 explain 2 him ive been lying and lying and lyi #ng and lying lol :') dont hve 2 worry abt ruining my potential bc uhhhh Not My Fault the diabetes killed me lol :') ixk #sometimesi dont wanna die. i wana see if i can get better. do something. b someone. most of the time tho im just tieredof trying. of being. #idk. eiter way ig. right? #mbi can b better n Good n useful n wrothwile. maybe right

[1loer]

KH3 Feelings Jumble

Seriously tho im so fucki gAAAAAAAAAAA ABOUT KH3!!!!!!!!

He really didnt have to give us all that......he really didnt have to give us all that and he did

The game was so fun. S O. FUN!!!!!

SO fun to the point that I was genuinely upset sometiems when plot would happen in worlds cause i was enjoying exploring and fighting so much!!! I loved that i could level up my keybaldes cause it meant i could always have the kingdom key to use which ive ALWAYS wanted to do!!!! The worlds were so pretty and done so well!!! I think Monstropolis could have done w/ having a few more NPCs but maybe im just being a little greedy because of how lively Twilight Town and Corona were. TALKING OF TWILIGHT TOWN!!!!!!!!! even tho i was kinda sad it was a relatively small world i actually c r i e d because of how happy i was with what they did with it!!!! That cinema was so cute!!! And the little talk of where Seifer was from one of the NPCs was rlly cute!!!! I enjoyed going around Twilight Town so much i never wanted to leave!!!! I could talk forever about how well done my favourite worlds were ESPECIALLY TANGLED I D I E D!!!!!

Plot tho. Ok so I was a little confused and a bit frustrated because it seemed for ages that we werent getting anywhere. Plot was v. Thin at the start and we seemed to circle around the same problems a few times but !!!! Honestly? Getting all the disney worlds out of the way first acrually i think allowed me to focus on them a little bit more rather than just wanting to get them over with so i can see plot again. This might have lead to it being slightly rushed at the end? But i didnt really feel it I really REALLY enjoyed the story! They did the org. Characters so much justice! Larxene was so funny!! And the way Demyx moved and talked was so animated i just loved watching him talk!! IENZO WAS SO FUCKIG CUTE TOO???!!!!! HIS LITTLE QUIRKS LIKE TALKING TO HIMSELF AND THE TAPPING!!!!!! Dilan and Aelues’ lack of voice actors was kinda funny at some points like it was glaringly obvious they just didnt get anyone in for them. But GOD !!!!! I was SO rooting for Even to betray Xnort and thats what I got!!!! I was S O !!! S. O!!!! ROOTING FOR ISA!!!!! TO BETRAY XEHANORT AND THATS WHAT I GOT!!!!!!! I was so anxious about the scene with Lea and Isa on the clock tower but it was... almost playful??? Like my hope GREW from that point. LEA WAS BEING SUCH A BRAT I WAS IN LOVE!!!! AND ALL THAT INFO ABOUT THEM?????? I honestly couldnt have asked for more. Im so happy!!!! ESPECIALLY AT ISA GETTING HIS OWN OUTFIT!!!!!! AND BEING SEEN HANGING OUT WITH EVERYONE IN TWILIGHT TOWN!!! LIKE HE REALLY DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT BUT HE DID!!!!! HE DID THAT FOR US!!!!! I screamed. Like GOD!! EVEN THE SCENE WHERE ISA LEA AND VEN WERE PLAYING TOGETHER ON THE BEACH AND NAMINE AND XION PICKING UP SHELLS AND -

I got given so much of what I dreamed of. I was also rlly happy with how they did Luxord. He’s always been a good guy, even if he’s with the organization. He was one of the few who was genuinely kind to Roxas and Xion while they were there and they kept that strong. Him giving Sora a wildcard to help? I just. Yes. Very much so. Its just the little things like that you know? I liked how gentle Sora was with all of them after he destroyed them. It was really nice for them to have their final say before going it was a really nice send off i felt so happy. So many fan theories were proven true like basically 80% of all Akusai/Leaisa headcannons, Guardian being Terra’s heartless unable to speak because of the bonds, FUCKING XIGBAR BEING ONE OF THE FORETELLERS HOW OLD IS THAT THEORY -

Im just. I loved it. Everything. Well not everything 95% (((im sorry kairi))). Excellent. Amazing. Show stopping. Totally worth the wait. I have no idea what to do with myself and cant wait for the next game.

#KH3 #KH3 spoilers #kingdom hearts 3 spoilers #kingdom hearts 3 #theres so mch more than this that i loved but if i wrote it all it would be dissertation worthy #basically every scene with the org memebers. #like actually it was like Nomura read everything id ever want from KH3 and gift wrapped it in glorious HD 4K. #EVEN THINGS I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I WANTED !!! LIKE ISA DYING IN LEAS ARMS !!????? AND THE TWILIGHT TOWN TRIO HAVING A REALLY HUGE ROLE??? #im so content. it really does feel like i can move on. im not stuck here w/ unfinished business i can pass onto the next game. #it feels like a weight has lifted knowing Isa is safe and Ienzo has his family back and Namine and Xion and Roxas are back with Lea #and Aqua’s safe again and Vens awake and Terras fine and- #DONALD AND GOOFY STAYING WITH SORA TILL THE END!!! #no offence im 100000% more invested in the Trinty Trio than the Destiny Trio #when they showed up when Sora was at his lowest and helped him back to his feet I fucking- I just #i smiled so much yesterday my cheeks still hurt today

[parkji-hoons]

I’M A REALLY LUCKY PERSON

KCON AUSTRALIA EXPERIENCE!! Okay I’m home and I finally have time to write this and it’s gonna be suuuuuuupppperrrrr long bc a lot of crazy shit happened to me alksjfsfdhkjsfh also sorry no gifs bc I don’t have time rn but I will later in the week I promise!!! Also if anyone has any questions about the whole thing Im gonna open up asks for a few days so just hmu (I swear though if y'all send hate I’m gonna delete it so)

Day 1

Okay admittedly day 1 was really boring for me since I didnt go to the concert that day and had no artist engagements or anything (also the convention itself was really shite like I lined up almost an hour and a half for a small ass room that I barely stayed 5mins in) also the entire thing was very disorganised and I wasted a lot of my time tbh. But then I went to meet up with some mutuals (shout out to @minhwangs @yoonjsung @jaehwn ily guys) at circular quay and it was so lucky that the moment I stepped out of the train station they were heading my way and we met up real quick. Then they told me that I literally just missed seeing WJSN and like I was ofc sad but I also didnt really stan so I didnt really mind that much. We stayed in that spot just talking when I noticed a group of girls lining up to get ice cream and boiiii these girls were literally GLOWINGGG then Debbie (@jaehwn ) noticed me looking behind her and she was like holy thats WJSN and they all literary just walked past us like the angels they are. THWY WERE LIKE NOT EVEN A METRE AWAY FROM US AND THEYRE LITERALLY SO SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE OHMYGODD THEYRE SO CUTE LGJWJHSJASJ. Also a lot smaller than I expected but GDI wowowowowow and yeah that was basically the start of my lucky streak.

Day 2

OKAY THIS IS WHEN SHIT HAPPENNNNSSSSSS. Honestly I felt so so so unlucky tbh bc my friend and I fell asleep on the train and ended up missing our stop and went to god knows where so we were late and shit but like still relatively early but yeah we got there at around 9ish and I went to go collect my benefits cuz I got p1 but yeah I got red carpet for that night, an up10tion audience, a WJSN audience and a monsta x hi touch. Honestly lowkey disappointed I didnt get any wanna one but like I was grateful for the rest anyway (plus hi I love Monsta X) but my friend got a wanna one audience and she said she would give it to me (bless her). After that we went around trying to find people who wanted to go see WJSN or up10tion bc like even tho I like those groups Im not SUPER into them so I’d rather just give them to really big fans of them you Know? I literally made two peoples day but not asking for money or a trade for them to see their bias groups and literally they were so shocked I didnt ask for anything but like i just wanted it to go to someone who actually REALLY liked the group you know since I didnt really know know them (bc like if someone got wanna one hi touch but didnt like them as much like I’d love for them to give it to me bc theyre my bias group you know?). I also went around trying to trade my MX hi touch for wanna one but it was literally impossible but I also didnt really mind bc I love MX soooooooo. After that I met with Debbie again and she also didnt get wanna one benefits and we tried for so long to swap but no one would but like ehhhhh we both were gonna see MX so. We kinda just went in to the queue for the convention after that but not even to like go see the convention but for the kcon goodie bags that we were supposed to get and holy that took so damn long lrnekabjhwjhw after that I was like checking fb if anyone was wanting a MX hi touch for wanna one and someone posted that they would trade it but also wanted some money but like max I would go would’ve been $50 so I sent an offer and PRAYED to the gods no one else would make a higher one AND THEY ANSWERED MY PRAYWRS MAN SHE AGREED WITH THE TRADE AND I JUST OHMYGOD I WAS GONNA MEET WANNA ONE I WANTED TO CRYYYYYY AND I WAS LIKE DEBBIE THAT MEANS YOU CAN GO TOO BC I STILL HAD THE WANNA ONE AUDIENCE AND WE WERE LITERALLT SO SOSOSOSOOSOSO HAPPY I WAS SO LUCKY OHMYGODDDDDDDD.

Meeting Wanna One

OKAY SO HERE’S WHERE SHIT REALLY WENT DOWN. So while Monsta X was having their m&g ofc all of the people going to the wanna one m&g were like ‘let’s line up’ and at this time it was like 1pm-ish? WE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE QUEUEING UNTIL LIKE 3.45PM AND ENTRY WAS ACTUALLY AT 5PM SO I LITERALLY WAITED IN LINE FOR 5 HOURS IN 35 DEGREE DIRECT HEAT I ALMOST DIED HOLY. But I made quite a few friends in line and we got up to a ton of shit (may or mayn’t have turned one of the security guards into a wannable….his bias may or may not have been daehwi…(bonus: we gave him a banner and at the actual m&g the same security guard was standing by the door where wanna one was gonna come through and he was holding the banner akajflkjshflkj it was really cute). 

Anyways, so after 5hours we finally went into the room and holy shit I managed to get front row somehow??? rip though bc I was on the opposite side of where jihoon was but LIKE STILL FRONT FUCKING ROW?!??!?!?! HOW LUCKY AM I WTF.  So after getting inside we had to wait another 30mins until they actually you know, came but during that time they were playing the album so everyone just jammed (except for when always was playing in that case everyone sobbed while singing) but yeah after 30mins WANNA ONE CAME OUT AND JUST HOLY SHIT THEY ARE LITERALLY SO BLOODY GORGEOUS IRL AKJLDFNLKASFJGN I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE BUT I WAS AWESTRUCK I COULDNT FILM IT PROPERLY MY HANDS WERE SHAKING THE ENTIRE TIME BUT THEY ARE LITERALLY STUNNING. 

SO THEY ALL DID THEIR INTROS AND SHIT THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE HITOUCH AND OHYMGOD I LITERALLY DIDN’T THINK MY LUCK COULD GET ANY FUCKING BETTER BUT APPARENTLY IT COULD?????? 

WHEN IT WAS MY TURN I SUDDENLY GAINED THIS WEIRD AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE AND ACTUALLY SAID THINGS TO THME LIKE OHMYGOD. FIRST WAS GUANLIN. THIS BOI HOT DAMN IS TALL AF LIKE HOW DID YOU ONLY TURN 16 YOU ARE SO FUCKING TALL NOT TO MENTION REALLY DAMN HANDSOME LIKE BRO. I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM WHEN I WAS HIGH FIVING HIM AND HE JUST SMILED AND NODDED AND NEXT WAS ONG AND I WAS LIKE HIIIIII AND HE WAS LIKE HIII~~ AND GRINNED AT ME AND JUST ONG MAN HE’S LITERALLY MODEL LIKE GORGEOUS THE DAMN VISUALS WTF. 

OKAY SO NEXT IS THE GREATEST FUCKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE AND NOTHING COULD EVER COMPARE TO THIS MOMENT. EVER. IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO MEET JIHOON (if y’all new and don’t know I have literally been screaming about holding park jihoons hand since pd101 days and my hands are literally shaking at me remembering that I HAVE HELD HIS HAND MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED I CAN DIE HAPPY). Park Jihoon. Where do I start? he is literally so so so so pretty. I almost melted and I think I stopped breathing when I looked into his eyes I’m not even lying idk how I was able to function BC HE LOOKED STRAIGHT BACK INTO MINE. BY SOME KIND OF MIRACLE I MANGED TO JUST BLURT OUT ‘I LOVE YOU!’ TO HIM AND I ENDED UP KIND OF TAKING A HOLD OF HIS HAND INSTEAD OF JUST HIGH FIVING AND JUST HE SEEMED REALLLLLY SURPRISED AND HIS MOUTH KINDA DROPPED? LIKE HE JUST SEEMED LIKE HE DIDNT EXPECT IT BUT AT THIS POINT I NEEDED TO START MOVING TO DAEHWI OR ELSE THE SEVURITY WAS GOING TO RUSH ME BUT LIKE A SECOND BEFORE MY HAND LEFT HIS JIHOON WAS LIKE ‘ I LOVE YOU~~~’ AND BOI. I. FUCKING. DIED. I COULDNT THINK STRAIGHT LIKE DID HE JUST SAY THAT? DID HE ACTUALLY. JUST TELL ME HE LOVED ME? HONESTLY I STILL DON’T BELIEVE IT HAPPEND AND IM JUST AKFGHJLKAJFHGNEJRFEBH???!?!?!?!??!?! The only thing that actually confirmed he said it was daehwis face bc he like looked at jihoon sorta shocked too like mouth dropped type thing and just ohmygod I could go on and on but I won’t bc theres still 8 members left lisfhiesfjcoiehnf.

alright so next was daehwi. STILL had his mouth opened by the time I fully got to him but he managed to smile at me and I was like ‘ HOW ARE YOU?’ bc he is my son and I need to make sure he’s doing well you know? and he was like ‘I’m good!!’ but I think I took too long bc security sort of pushed me a bit to go quicker (props bc I was still like not moving bc wtf jihoon) but yes jinyoung HIS HEAD REA;;Y IS DAMN SMALL BUT HE IS REALLY HANDSOME LIKE WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW YOU ARE SO CUTE LIKE WTF. 

At this point security actually pushed me to move on but they did it like while I was already starting to say HI to Daniel but since I was pushed it like came out louder than I expected (like a hiIIii) and Daniel was so startled he literally took a step back before just smiling at me and it was so funny bc jisung low-key laughed at him and it was really cute. 

With Jisung I was like ‘THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING’ bc he needs to know he is appreciated like YOON JISUNG WE ALL LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU BOI PLS ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT but he like did that pouty face thing that he does when he wants to show that he’s grateful/touched idk but like he squints his eyes and pouts and nodded his head at me and SQUEEZED MY HAND LIKE HOT DAMN JAKFJFMERJ. ALSO CAN I JUST SAY THATT THIS BOI IS SO MUCH MORE HANDSOME UP CLOSE LIKE HE LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD ON SHOWS AND FANCAMS AND SHIT BUT HOLY SHIT UP CLOSE IT’S LIKE X1102399014839573827569287 LIKE HE IS GORGEOUS DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE OKAY!

NEXT UP WAS SUNGWOON AND HE’S NOT THAT  SHORT GUYS LIKE COME ON (side note: most of them were actually shorter than I expected but since I expected sungwoon to be like SHORT he was taller than I expected lmao) but by this time security was like HURRY TF UP so I was just like hiiiii and he just smiled at me and I did the same with jaehwan and he smiled and was like ‘HI HI’ and just akljfghlkajfhgimerhfiefm jaehwan wtf. 

up next was the bias wrecker. Park Woojin. ngl I planned on pretending to high five woojin b4 dabbing to prove I don’t swerve but before I could I was like hii!!! and he fucking grinned at me and showed off his snaggletooth and BOIIIIII HE IS SO FUCKIG CHARMING WTF. ALL THOUGHTS OF DABBING LEFT MY MIND AND I ENDED UP GRIPPING HIS HAND BC I WAS LIKE I NEED SUPPORT IM GOING TO MELT OTHERWISE BC PARK WOOJINS SMILE IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ( I swear I didn’t swerve….maybe for like 0.0005s). last but not least mr. hwang minhyun. HIS. VISUALS. ARE. SO. BEAUTIFUL. HE WAS DRESSED ALL CUTELY AND HE WAS SO PROPER LIKE HE WAS DASHING AND BEAUTIFUL WOWOWOOWOW WHEN I GREETED HIM HE SMILED AT ME AND BOWED AND SAID HI BACK ADN IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT. after that I kinda…..skipped off stage…I was so high man I was on cloud 9 I literally could not believe that all happened in a span of like max 2 mins and I feel like I was going to collapse but hands were still shaking so much alkjhifrbhureih. 

ANYWAYS after my mini break down, I gathered myself and went back to join the crowd and listen to their ending speech thingo (by this time I was at the back rip but still pretty close) We weren’t allowed phones while meeting them so I shoved it in my bag ad wasn’t able to video this but when they were about to do their last greeting all of the fans started singing happy birthday for guanlin and it was literally the cutest thing to watch their reactions bc they were all so shocked!! LIKE GUANLINS EYES WIDENED AND ALL OF THE OTHER MEMBERS SUDDENLY LIKE SNAPPED THEIR HEADS TO THE CROWD THEY WERE SHOOKT AND IT WAS SO CUTE BUT THEN THEY ALL STARTED CLAPPING ALONG AND SMILING REAL BIG WHILE WE ALL SANG AND WHEN IT ENDED THE MC (KEVIN FROM UKISS) WAS LIKE AWWW HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GUANLIN WHEN IS IT? (something along those lines) and guanlin was like lol it’s today but yeah after that heartwarming scene they did their greeting and left and we all started leaving too bc most of us needed to go line up for the red carpet.

(ALSO SOMEONE GOT A PHOTO OF MY SAYING I LOVE YOU TO JIHOON AND ME MEETING DAEHWI, IF YOU WANNA SEE SEND ME AN ASK, I WONT POST IT NOW BC IDK IF PEOPLE WANNA SEE LOL)

Red Carpet

Yo lemme tell y'all the line for the p1 red carpet was sooooo fucking long like holy shit HOW WERE ALL THESE PEOPLE GONNA FIT IN THAT TINY ASS ROOM and since I lined up so late bc the queue started really early and the wanna one m&g ended late I was towards the very back and I couldn’t really see anything (sad) but yeah basically only sf9, up10tion, WJSN and Monsta X went and a lotttt of fans got mad bc wanna one didn’t go akjsfmejfhoisenfu but it wasn’t like we could do anything about it like ??!??!?!! but I get it esp if they didn’t get to attend the m&g but yeah I can’t talk about it much bc I couldn’t see much rip soz it’s pretty like simple tho? they introduce the act, the act gets on stage then stays there for a bit introduces the group then leaves and the next group comes in and etc. what kinda sucked tho was like lining up to get into the concert venue bc of everyone pushing and shit it was so damn annoying.

Concert

CONCERT TIME YO. Okay first off, THOSE OPENING ACTS LIKE SHOUT OUT TO YOU GUYS YOU WERE FUCKIGN AMAZING HOLY SHITLJAHKCFJME ALso I’m really sorry but the SF9, Up10tion and WJSN parts of this are going to be really short mostly bc I wasn’t actually that big of a fan (like I only really knew their titles songs and didn’t even know the members names I’m so sorry!!) of those groups b4 this concert so I don’t know much and can’t talk a lot about them but what I can say is IVE BEEN CONVERTED BC THEIR STAGES WERE FUCKING AMAZING!!! ALSO SHOUT OUT TO THAT DUDE FROM SF9 WHO KEPT WAVING AT ME AND THREW A HEART AT ME BEING A HYPER PERSON IN THE CROWD LIKE BOI IDK YOU BUT YOU MY BIAS. But literally they all performed soooooo damn well and just WJSN is after my heart (esp when they played secret).

The highlight performances for me though were definitely wanna one and monsta x. wanna one mostly bc like hi you my bias group also THEY ARE FUCKING GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO MAN LIKE DAEHWIS LIVE VOICE HOLY SHIT ALSO JAEHWANS VOICE LIKE WE ALL KNOW IT’S GODLIKE BUT HEARING IT LIVE LIKE WTFFFFFFFFF. I LITERALLY COULDNT EVEN RECORD ANYTHING BC MY PHONE DIED AND I WAS REALLY SAD BUT LIKE HOT DAMNNNNNNNNNN THEY WERE AMAZING. ALSO WHEN THEY WERE GETTING INTO POSITIONS FOR BURN IT UP THERE WAS LIKE A SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE AND I SCREAMED OUT ‘PAARRRRKKKK JIIIIHOOOOONNNNN’ SO LOUD THA T THE GIRL NEXT TO ME MOVED AWAY AND JIHOON LOOJED UP I WAS SHOOK (I apologised so much to the girl and she laughed it off but still moved away rip) also I’m not even gonna talk about piñata time bc there was too much shit going on there and my friend got decent fancams so I’ll gif later but SOMEONE TELL JIHOON TO STOP SOMEONE TELL GUANLIN THE FLOOR IS DIRTY SOMEONE TELL ONG NO AND SOMEONE REMIND JISUNG THAT HE IS THE CUTEST BEAN EVER (also stop park woojins sexy dance 2k17 thanks) but minhyun waved at me during piñata time and I love him for it. We also all sang happy birthday to guanlin again and I will never ever get tired of seeing that boy all happy and smiley I hope he enjoyed his birthday with us!!!

OKAY MONSTA X THO DEFS TOOK STAGE OF THE NIGHT LIKE BOISSSS. THEY BLOODY OWNED THAT STAGE. THEIR STAGE PRESENCE IS NO FUCKING JOKE LIKE HOLY HELL EVERYONE WAS LIKR REALLLLLLYYYY INTO IT (like people were going W I L D but like for wanna one they did to but it was more of like fangirl W I L D. for monsta x it was like jamming head banging move your body W I L D it was literally amazing). THEY PERFORMED EX GIRL WHICH IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE SONGS EVER AND JUST HOLY SHIT I WAS SOBBING WHILE SINGING IT AND WAVING SOME GOLD STREAMERS AROUND LIKE CRAZY AND KIHYUN NOTICED ME AND LAUGHED AT ME AND IT WAS SO CUTE. ALSO HOW WAS THAT GIRL WHO GOT LUCKY ENOOUGH TO BE PROPOSED TO BY MONSTA X NOT DEAD ON THE FLOOR? I WAS ON THE GROUND THE MOMENT CHANGKYUN SAID ANGEL LIKE HOLY SHIT YOU GOT SERENADED BY KIHYUN AND WONHO LEGIT WENT DOWN TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH YOU AND HUGGED YOU GIRL HOW ARE YOU ALIVE (admittedly she did like have a fan with shownus face on it and he didn’t participate in the proposals rip but still) anyways STAGES WERE FUCKING LIT ALSO WONHO YOU HOE SOMEONE STOP THAT GUY.

okay so after monsta x it was like the part where all of the groups come out again and shit and I ended up front row of the very side and wanna one came and stood there and I was legit right in front of Daniel woojin and jaehwan and the girls around me were trying to get their attention and were screaming their names and shit and I was like hmmmmm what should I do?? so I like made a heart with my arms like hands on head type heart and kinda just started stoically at woojin NOT THINKING HE WOULD NOTICE ME BUT ALKJHLCEKJNFSEJFHGBOSUIB HE FUCKING DID AND IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST AWKWARD AND FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE HOLYSHIT IT WAS LIKE WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND HE STARED FOR A BIT LIKE WTF AND I FALTERED AND GAVE AN AWKWARD SMILE AND HE STARTED TO LAUGH A LIL AND I DIDN’T NOTICE BUT DANIEL SAW TOO AND HE TURNED TO WOOJIN AND THEY LAUGHED TOGETHER THEN OUT OF NO WHERE STARTED DOING THIS WEIRD DANCE THEN AFTERWARDS I NOTICED JAEHWAN STARING AT ME WITH COMPLETE JUDGEMENT ON HIS FACE AJMIRENJFOEGHU THE DICK BEFORE I WAS SHOVED AWAY BY A GIRL NEXT TO ME BUT YEAH THAT HAPPENED WOOPS.

basically it was one of the most amazing days of my life I not only got to meet and high five my ult bias group and see various amazing performances by all of the artists, I also was able to make new friends and meet my mutuals here and it was just sososososo amazing Im literally so grateful for everything and everyone and I was just realllly lucky I hope everyone gets to experience this bc I’m so happy rn and I hope everyone will be this happy at least once in their lives too!!!! and just I literally not even two months ago was totally convinced id never meet jihoon and hold his hand but IT HAPPENED so anyone who tells me it won’t happen to them I call bullshit bc I was literally saying that a month ago and it fucking happened to me so it’ll happen to you guys too I’m just saying!!!

also if you read up to here you’re a legend and I love you :D

#kconaus #this is so fucking long ohmygod #this is more for me tbh just so i don't forget anything #also just wanted to relive it sjdgjg #shout out to sarah jas debbie and miya for meeting up with meeeee #i just realised that i was the youngest lmao call me maknae #i'm joking #or am i #anyways #i love you all #i'll try to get my friends videos #and gif them later in the week #all of my photos and videos are blurry i wanna cry #my hands were shaking so #sorry for no photos or videos rn #but yeah i probably missed out on a lot that happened but if i remember i;ll just makeseparate txt post #all of my icon experiences are under kconaus if you wanna see if i post things i didn't mention in here #but yeah love you all #imma sleep now #but im literally so grateful for this opportunity #i was the luckiest person ever #i've used all of my luck now tho rip #sorry for any typos #i cried a little writing this down #also my hands have been shaking since the start awicjlmrejknfceijrhn #anyways goodnight all!!! #personal #wanna one #park jihoon #kang daniel

[oflgtfol]

honestly like the characters are the most interestig thing about voltron and i get its supposed to be a war but like. the plot sucks. its boring. the characters were interesting and fun and thats what drew people in/made them stay so when they completely... ignore character exploration and development in favor of focusing on the plot its like. hm. what are you doing

#THIS KINDA PLAYS INTO THE BIG ESSAY IM GONNA POST #literally s7 just bashed you over the head with plot and it was THIRTEEN EPISODES i couldnt fuckig PAY ATTENTION it was so boring! #and i’d say maybe im just biased because i personally do prefer characters over plot but like #COME ON. literally the majority of the fanbase is only here for the characters #and so many of the people who tried to get into the show say its too boring for them #like objectively your characters are good and the plot sucks! #and that honestly wouldve been okay IF THEY HAD LET THE CHARACTERS SHINE #when the plot sucks and you play so HEAVILY off it it just. makes the whole show suffer #the characters were good and if they let the characters carry the show it couldve been good. #delete soon #man thats just the mantra of voltron rn. it couldve been good. #it couldve been great...

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.

#samiswriting

[ilygsd]

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head

#diary #jo

[snap-spark-blog]

taeyong meta (w citations) cuz im losing my mind

originally on twitter

UMM I started furiously typing without ANY organization but im here to summarize that this is a shitty essay about taeyong's change of character over the years and how it's driving me NUTS

--- the thing is i never bought into the whole "taeyong used to be a bad boy" narrative and the reason i started stanning him to begin with was finding out he's actually a gentle boy from NCT life and other interviews and realities shows and like......generally my thoughts on the scandal (which changes all the time and i dont know the whole story) is that first of all it's a stupid ass fucking issue to have a scandal around and that second it seems overboard to the point where SM rolled with it and made him apologize demurely and appear guilty rather than defend him in order to push his soft boy image even more? because they were creating a "cold and unapproachable" image FOR him during debut and actively having him and other members demonstrate that he's "actually really gentle" like, this was SM's own doing, which means as time went on especially when CB rolled around you can start to see that the "soft boy" who cooks and cleans and takes care of members like a good leader image is to some extent a construction as well because taeyong is not rly a natural leader, there are members who begin to stand out as having that role instead and taeyong can comfortably retreat a little into the regular person that he is WHICH, at that point, i loved even more because hey he's happy and that makes me happy, i know enough about the person at the core of "taeyong" to bias him no matter what kind of a person he is cuz its always within the bars of standard deviation. to me his image progressed smth along the lines of this starting from rookies era till about...like limitless even they really wanted to push his image as being a dancer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wEdZKC0orM), and when i first saw this i was in luv but the more i got to know him the more i realized this is something they would've choreographed for kai, it's a style of sharp snaps and smooth curves and hitting the points that kai loves doing, kai taemin etc like knowing SM's history of dancers this feels more like them than taeyong, and ofc being a rookie ty must learn to be ABLE to technically execute things like this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvniaVnTKQI), cool sharp and hard hitting, which falls in line with the "seems cool but is sweet" dichotomy they had for him around NCT U/FT era (like grey hair era) and i ALWAYS think about this interview (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZMb7t_cH10) where they asked the team dance or music aND LIKE BESIDES WINWIN WHO OBV CHOSE DANCE TY CHOSE DANCE BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT BECAUSE its so different from how im used to when i watch dancers like i dont think taeyong necessarily worships dancing because he seems to LOVE music as much as dance because theyre both means to express himself thru (and i personally think he answered dance cuz he's "dancer" but fk do i know) and like from the moment limitless hit and he was put in a SOFT SWEATER and there were suddenly 9 people and johnny existed and carried them thru variety taeyong has significantly retreated more into the background and limitless is where he starts to FEEL his identity a little more and so he WRITES things like BDLI, he SAYS things like "i loved this line so much", because they're starting to move from their cool-but-not-quite-relatable, not quite touchable, exclusive and distant kind of music towards something more "true and free" which is at the core of the whole band's image (bUT LITERALLY!! WARM SWEATERS) and i cant say for sure it wouldve been this era when he relaxed his image a little more but this would be when i realized like "Ah this is just a regular kid who's good at some things" from the way members act around him and things they say and the things he does ofc its still genuine and he loves his members but its no longer "i go out of my way all the time to make sure everyone is ok" (like, like taeil johnny say he leads more by charisma and energy than by emotional care, more on this later) like he's just another person in the dorm, he's sensitive but also over sensitive he gets offended, he has disagreements w them, hes 20 something not a mother, hes just a kid who's talented and skilled and loves art and ofc i LOVED that and i wish i was fkcng around for this era but only in hindsight when CB era rolled around can i assume this is what linked the kid he was at debut with the MONSTER WE SEE NOW AND LIKE HERE COEMS CHERRY BOMB ERA WHICH IS MY FUCKING FAVE WHICH IS WHERE HE SAYS THINGS LIKE "I have an introverted personality but i think it makes me powerful; it helps me know myself better; it's like going through a "late-puberty"" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1LiUAqO1BA) AND THIS VIDEO KILLS ME EVERY FUCKING TIME BECAUSE YOU SEE IT............THE MOMENT HE GOT HIS PINK HAIR, THE MOMET HE GOT THOSE COLOR LENSES AND THE HEAVY EYE MAKEUP HE LITERALLY FINALLY WENT FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR (https://www.instagram.com/p/BWzjNIEBj16/) TO LOOKING LIKE HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW HOT HE IS LEADING THEIR TEAM AT THE CENTER OF THE FUCKING STAGE TO THE POINT WHERE HE TURNS HIMSELF ON (THAT CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!) TO WRITING THINGS LIKE WHIPLASH WHERE HE KNOWS HOW HOT IT IS THAT HE'S COME SO FAR AND BECOME SO CAPABLE (THE BEST OF THE BEST) AND HOW MUCH HOTTER IT IS THAT HE WANTS TO BE DOMMED, TO DOING WHAT ENDED MY LIFE TODAY IF THE MULTITUDE OF HALF-BONERS AND SEX FACES ON STAGE I NTHE PAST MONTH HASNT WHICH IS FLIRT ON NATIONAL TV (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAyYCV1CnYc) AND CHECKING OUT A GIRL WITHOUT GIVING A SINGLE FUCK (https://twitter.com/moontaeyong95/status/921462333532200960/video/1) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LIKE ???? where did we come from ???? and where are we now???? 1. "cool looking good leader dancer soft boy" 2. more ambiguous, more real, stays true to his own multifaceted personality and style 3. an absolute beast coming to realize his power for the first time going back to dance: from recent solo stages and the way he's been dancing the choreo (more expressive, less perfect and rigid) i get the feeling like he's always been less about motional perfection than just feeling the music so much that he goes crazy with it, and that's more or less what i fucking love about NCT as a whole, is that nobody really has clearly defined roles, no one ever introduces themselve as "hello I'm NCT's rapper xxx", "I'm NCT's dancer xxx", because theyre all just "artists" without these arbitrary limits, and they can indulge in this in whatever form they like, as whatever aspect of their identities they feel like being today: "hello, i'm mark in a pink sweater." (http://www.vlive.tv/video/19700?channelCode=DEE409) it's not that he loves dance more than anything, its not that he loves rap more than anything, he just....he just fucking lvoes life? he loves his life? taeyong's artistry comes from whatever it is he's feeling within and in whatever form he's feeling it and that's what ive come to rly love about him, it's about appreciating what HE's feeling and how he's showing it to us and lately he's been so, SO into the music. he's so into it that i couldnt believe it at first and thought it meant he was tired (https://youtu.be/sQO3TJfOf7M) but he's actually and i quote egg, "probably just really turned on". and chuseok passed and i thought he'd go home and take care of his ~needs~ and come back after learning how to CHILL but I GUESS APPARENYL FUCKING NOT BECAUSE HE'S GOD DAMN WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS TO SEOUL FASHION WEEK LIKE HE KNOWS HES THE HOTTEST FUCKIG N THING IN THE WORLD AND CHECKING OUT THAT GIRL WITH SO MUCH CONFIDENCE AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE POINT OF THIS POST IS THAT IM SO FUCKING GLAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT HE LOOKS SO CONFIDENT LIKE HES FINALLY GROWN INTO HIMSELF AND ACCEPTED THE REALITY OF HIS POTENTIAL AND ALL THAT HE CAN BE AND IS FINALLY TAKING CHARGE OF IT AND SHAPING IT INTO SOMETHING OF HIS OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LITERALLY CANT ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ITS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ANYTHING HES DONE OS FAR AND IM LOSING MY G*D DAMN MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES ON A RAMPAGE SM ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE NOT CUZ I HOPE HE NEVER GETS STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's it this whole thing has no other purpose i just wanted to say i love him right now like this thank you for reading

#nct #nct 127 #taeyong #lee taeyong

[c-kyunjpg]

24, 25, 26 :)

i am SO SORRY ANON D:

24. softest article of clothing that you (have) own(ed)?my 21p sweater, its like super fuckig soft???

25. are you a good hugger? I hope??

26. do you ever feel like you have a sixth sense? in what way(s)? sometimes, like i knew something was going to happen to my mom but i couldnt pin point to what, until they called

#Anonymous