#so didn't have time to do a more elaborate piece but also I spent a while playing minecraft haha

[onehundredfallenpetals]

Some Ozlice, since it's been a long time since I drew them last

#pandora hearts #oz vessalius #alice baskerville #oz x alice #ozlice #pandora hearts fanart #alice x oz #artists on tumblr #this is something small mainly because I've been working on zine pieces #so didn't have time to do a more elaborate piece but also I spent a while playing minecraft haha #ozalice

[thecrowsart]

people: omg we finally get to see hyper! me: omg we finally get to see more angles of kusuriuri's clothes! observations and (A LOT OF) ranting under the cut:

1.)

The inside sleeve design has been revealed! It's pretty similar to the outside design but instead of that four-petal design, it's a gold circle. Also, it looks like the large eye is shared by both sides, but based on how the sleeve looks in other images, it must be really really big..... I guess they can get away with it lol. Like, if you laid out the sleeve fabric, I think it would look like this:

2.)

THE BACK OF HIS OBI. What the hell kinda knot is this actually... like, does anyone here know about obimusubi because I'm not very good at knots but if it comes down to it I will learn how this works. I already thought this based on the promo art but it seems like his obi fabric is double-sided, with purple on one side and the check pattern on the other, with a red trim. That lighter salmon color in the knot seems to be a different fabric, maybe an obiage? It's not tucked into the front so I'm not sure if that's the right term, but in any case it's some kind of extra fabric. If the purple and check are really one piece of fabric, then the knot is like... a hitch? It's some kind of one-loop bow, and it's quite bulky so he might have an obimakura in there. Whatever it is, it's considerably more elaborate than OG Kusuriuri's obi, which was that red brocade just tied into a large crooked bow. Who is helping movie Kusuriuri get dressed in the morning? (I'm sure he can do it himself and I commend him for the dedication to the aesthetic lol).

3.)

His mirror is now kept looped around this thick cord that kind of comes out of nowhere and disappears into his obi. First of all, how is the mirror staying up like that since the string is only looped once. Second, the thick white cord looks the same as the one that comes out of the left side of his obi and loops around his back, but I'm not sure how they would connect. Logically, they probably are the same cord and it goes through his obimusubi somehow. 4.)

This one was actually noticeable in the very first trailer as you can tell, since the second screenshot is from that trailer, but I somehow never noticed it until now. Kusuriuri has neck markings now! In a different frame I caught a glimpse of the part that goes into his collar, it looks like a circle, though it's not visible in either of these screenshots. But from the first screenshot and some other frames I saw, it looks somewhat off-center. I wasn't sure if it was just a weird frame at first, but it looks consistent the few other times (time?) that part of his neck is visible. It looks like the strip of red that leads down to the circle curves off to the left rather than going straight down the center. I didn't realize this before but his neck is actually concealed in most of the promo images.

5.)

A better look at the back of his socks, plus two things that were visible this whole time but I didn't notice: first, his black leggings have this folded layer you can probably see on top. I'm not sure how to describe it and I don't know exactly how it works. It seems weird to me that he would have three sock layers (outer black, inner black, white), so I think the two black layers are probably still part of the same sock. I'm just not sure exactly what's up with it. Secondly, his geta have metal corners on the teeth! I don't think I've seen that on real geta, so maybe it's just a random detail, but if it's a thing on some real geta, I wonder if it's to keep the wood from wearing away there. Also another think I'm just noticing, there's a reinforcing wedge of wood under the front part of his geta that overhand the front tooth. You can see it a little in the second image.

Overall, that's all the new design stuff I noticed. Since I just drew him twice and spent like all day thinking about this, I've realized his design is way more elaborate than the original one. He has a bunch of little doodads, like the ties around his ankle or that decorative tie that comes out of his ohashori:

which still bothers me because I've never seen the back of it. Where are those strings going. And how is it secured in the first place? is it tied or pinned underneath his ohashori, like on the tie under the obi (not sure if there's a name for it)? What is it? Why does he have this here?

These details as well as things like the corners and wedge on his geta, the red trim on the obi and the check pattern, and his elaborate eye make up are all design elements that could never really have worked for a tv show. It's impressive to me even that OG Kusuriuri had that hand drawn brocade texture and the designs on his kimono that he did. It's the type of thing animators usually avoid, lol.

I like the movie design visually, but my god is it a pain in the ass to draw. Due to the aforementioned details of course and the wider variety of colors. Oh yeah, my last (for real) observation is that this Kusuriuri looks a lot less human than our OG friend. His skin is entirely whitish-grey, and he has that white/purple and red hair, and now he has markings on his neck instead of just on his face. (Unrelated but I feel like they made his lip tattoo less prominent and it makes me sad because it's one of my favorite things about Kusuriuri's design). But Hyper, from that very small glimpse we caught of him, looks more mundane than the original. I think it's the combination of his black hair and his markings being red instead of gold. I wonder what the rest of him will look like.... It was interesting to me that his face is drawn differently from Kusuriuri. In the TV anime, they have the same face shape and features, but their hair and coloring is different. And OG Hyper had a slightly different version of Kusuriuri's clothes. We can't see this new Hyper's clothes, but his face is more square looking. He looks like a different person... interesting lore implications.

Okay, I really must stop there.

#mononoke #kusuriuri

[nozunhinged]

I need to get this list off my chest so I can move on and it's so long that I'm gonna mark it with a spoiler line because holy fucking shit (in no particular order I ain't rewatching that ever again)

- THE FUXKING TIMESKIP

- the mislead that pohrjai is going to marry mhok

- the fact that they never talked but night and pohrjai still trying to play cupid

- day blocking mhok on everything

- and still them playing cupid

- mhok reapplying for his visa, knowing full well he will see day at their wedding and also knowing full well he wants to pursue him again

- how mhok snuck up on him to guide him, don't make him an amazing caretaker just to have him be predatory in the last fucking episode

- and day said NOTHING about it

- same in the bookstore fucking tell him it's you

- "are you dating anyone" followed by just touching him like that I— 🤢

- mohk literally BABYING him even though this man is running his own business now

- he spent the last TEN episodes being an excellent caretaker just to turn into a clingy overprotective fuckboy for the last 30 mins??? PLEASE

- days fucking smug face when mhok groveled at his feet I wanted to smack him

- mhok groveling like he fucking killed days entire family WHAT THE FUCK MAN

- mhok flirting like that spoiled fucker didn't shatter his heart into a million pieces and ignored him for three years

- and didn't even apologize or explain

- the second chances bullshit and apparently even his parents reconciling???? Bro

- the "second chance" pohrjai described was so fucking forced just for the narrative I almost puked

- also I was totally with day if I hear the word second chance one more time I'm gonna riot

- day being scared HES GONNA DO IT TO HIM AGAIN HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO YOU YOU LITTLE SPOILED BRAT

- his mom (I'm not gonna elaborate)

- the fucking SECOND eye donation

- and it worked

- day still not telling mhok he's handsome

and last but not least

"thank you for breaking up with me"

You know what?! I'm out

#last twilight the series #last twilight #justice for mhok #my gmmtv journey stops here

[cherryfennec]

what do you think would have happened if Timpani hadn't found Blumiere at the base of the cliff and he would have died? do you think the prophecy would have still happened? if yes, then do you happen to have any theories about who would have carried it out and would they have succeeded?

So this is a very difficult question! The topic of the prophecies in the Dark Prognosticus is just in general one of the more trivial things to consider.

So let's go through over the main scenario: Blumiere falls from a cliff and is probably hidden well under the rubble. Timpani, who happens to be in the area, can't really see anyone under the scarp because of the dirt and rocks so she assumes the pieces fell naturally due to a small earthquake or wind and there's no one there. While she walks away, Blumiere unfortunately is too weak to make it out of the rubble and ultimately dies.

Now...

What would this mean for Timpani and the Tribe of Darkness specifically? Well first of all, neither of them would end up dead/gone.

It is implied through the short snippets of the main villians backstory (which appear in-between chapters) that ultimately after losing his beloved and becoming Count Bleck, Blumiere wipes out his clan, which is rather gruesome but not unexpected for this game tbh. With him dissapearing instead (cause theres a chance they might've not even found him) everyone in the Tribe lives and he himself would be portrayed as an innocent person until the end, the loss of whom only brought sorrow to his family and friends. Other than that the civilization would still thrive for years to come.

As for Timpani: without having met Blumiere, she would've probably spent her days living a normal daily life, not even knowing someone like him ever existed. She could expand her hobbies, travel, make friends etc. She could even find a partner but... it wouldn't be the same and I'll elaborate on that in a bit. In general she would have had more time to discover herself and enjoy the little things.

What does this mean for the prophecy?

The Dark Prognosticus is kinda weird because it describes the future that relies on the book being read. Basically it knows that it will be opened, but because it will be opened the prophecy will happen in the first place, which it also knows. It gets confusing when you think about it too much. In any case the 'end of the world' requires someone to kickstart all the events.

Blumieres and Timpanis love was a very rare kind of love, an extremely strong and dedicated one. And if not for that fact, Bleck wouldn't probably go as far as to destroying everything just for her sake. Now without our specially picked out Champion of Destruction, would it even be possible for the prophecy to happen? As we said before if the Count died at the cliff, the book would absolutely know about it. With this in mind there are 3 options as I see it:

The prophecy couldn't be fulfilled/it wouldn't exist in this timeline. Basically: There was no other person that could play the role of the catalyst nor had the means to obtain the Prognosticus/didn't know it existed and so the danger never arrived and everyone lived happily ever after. (yipie no trauma for the Mario gang and especially Luigi yahoo)

The prophecy could be fulfilled by a new character who also fits the requirements and basically fills in for Count Bleck. Simply put: the book found someone else good for the role and it all plays out as written. This is where the plot is up to interpretation because there are just too many factors to take into consideration.'Who would reach out for help to Mario?', I don't know, maybe this new character could also be doing this for the sake of someone else I and that's who would be our Timpani replacement or something I guess.'Would Mimi and O'Chunks be there to help?', probably not because the reason they joined in on the plan in the first place is specifically tied to the person that the Count was. But you know who would definitely be there?

Technically we don't really need a new character and it's going to be a little obvious who I'm about to mention. The prophecy is much more altered in this scenario, and it basically revolves about Dimentio carrying it all out. So from the gossip you get from the barista about everyone on Team Bleck it is implied that Dimentio was the one who actively sought out the Count, not the other way around. From this we can deduce that he was aware of the Dark Prognosticus's existence and was out to get it by all means. Out of the known to us characters he'd really be the one person who would end up tied to the fate of the book in most cases. So in this scenario he simply steals the book from the tribe and tries to work it out by himself. 'Would he be able to carry it out alone?' I'd say there's a chance he could do it. Being built on deceipt and using others he might've been able to work from the shadows and make his way to the end goal. 'How would Mario learn about it?' Again, I don't know. It's up to the ones interpretation really. Imagine if Dimentio just goes around taking people who have the slightest trace of green on them and thus becomes like this underground villain and no-one knows anything him about other than his existence. He's like this rumour that people like to scare kids with. One day Mario hears about it, laughs it off then Luigi randomly dissapears and the chase is on, during which the red plumber learns about this mysterious figure and it's intentions bit by bit and theres like a side Peach and Bowser plot which ends with Dimentio taking up a fake persona and tricking them into saying their vows to create the Chaos Heart IDK.

I could try writing up a specific scenario for this but it'd require more time to plan out if I were to actually do it, I'd basically be writing a completely new story which tends to be difficult. (I'm currently trying my hand in writing a spm fic based on the 'Bad End Trio' Luigi design of mine and barely reached over 2k words. I'm not even near done and it's already been taking way longer than I thought it would. That's exactly why I very much respect writers.)

#spm #super paper mario #askbox

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 1-6

Hi Readers!

Let me start this post by saying what I originally wrote was just deleted after I hit the "save draft" button on Tumblr. I'm so pissed because I had spent hours working on this post!! For those who have followed my blog for a very long time, you know I usually provide a very in-depth analysis of dramas. 

Given what just happened and time constraints, I will keep this post very short. I may make mini posts next week to further elaborate on some points discussed here, but it just depends on if I have the time.

If you have any questions, please feel free to hit the "ask me anything" button and I will try my best to answer them promptly. I hope "My Demon" fandom won't be as toxic as the "Alchemy of Souls" fandom and misuse the "ask me anything" button to send me death threats or insults. If you don't like what I write, you can simply scroll along. The end. Also, don't plagiarize my shit. This was a huge issue during AOS and I really didn't appreciate it at all. If you want to use my ideas, give me credit for them.

Ok, let’s put on our thinking caps. Time to analyze and theorize!

Demons

In the context of this show, “demons” are individuals who used to be human but are now forced to fulfill human wishes in order to keep on living forever. The terms are simple: humans get their deepest desires fulfilled but will die in 10 years and go to hell. For demons, as long as they sign new contracts and collect souls, they won’t combust and be wiped from existence. It remains unknown how often demons must sign contracts/collect souls before they start to combust. Before demons were loan sharks, they were guardians of humans. 

We start this drama with Jeong Gu Won, who has lived happily for the last 200 yrs as a demon. Gu Won has no recollection of his human life. We don’t know if this aspect of Gu Won is something present in all demons or just him. Gu Won’s perfect little world is turned upside down after he saves Do Do Hee from Rash Dude aka Jeffrey Dahmer. Now, we don’t know why his tattoo was transferred to Do Hee but it’s implied the full moon and water had something to do with it. If you have read other posts of mine, you will know that when there’s a full moon it usually means a transformation and a new start. The whole falling into the water could be viewed as a sort of baptism, symbolizing the end of an old life and the beginning of a new life. I feel like before this show ends, Gu Won and Do Hee will end up in the water under the full moon again to symbolize Gu Won’s full transformation into a human. Like right now he’s like a quasi-demon haha. His transformation into a full human is currently ongoing. I think that as he starts to develop more human emotions/remember his human memories, his powers as a demon will begin to decline. 

Gu Won’s Past Life…A Story of Crime and Punishment

One thing I’ve learned from analyzing many dramas over the years is when a writer shows us a book or mentions a movie, we should look into them if we want a glimpse into what will happen in a drama. Now in Ep 1, you see #2 Wild Dog reading, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky which was hilarious because he didn’t strike me as the type to read such a dense piece of literature. Seeing this book took me back to my high school days when we had to read and analyze this book. For those who don’t know, Russian works tend to be very long and are usually about suffering haha.

For the sake of time, I’ll you a very brief overview of what happened in “Crime and Punishment”. The story begins with a law student, Rodion Raskolnikov, who quits school because he can’t afford it anymore. The guy then has a mental breakdown of sorts and decides to kill the elderly owner of the pawnshop and her half-sister. He justifies his actions by rationalizing that by killing the pawnshop owner, he could take the valuables within her pawn shop and use them to fund his education which would eventually earn him a well-paying job. In turn, he would use the money earned to benefit the greater good. 

Raskolnikov saw himself as an Ubermensch (if you don’t know that means, I had briefly talked about it in my DAYS posts). He believed that since he was above everyone else, he was allowed to cross all societal, ethical, and moral lines because his success would help the greatest amount of people. The rest of the novel is about Raskolnikov’s internal struggles with what he did. He goes back and forth between confessing or not confessing to the murders. Eventually, the love interest in the story, Sonia, a devout Christian and source of morality for Raskolnikov, convinces him to turn himself in and confess. Raskolnikov ends up only having to serve a total of 8 years in a labor camp for the murders. While there, he finally realizes the errors of his ways and feels guilt for his past actions. He then was like “Sonia’s love saved me and I feel bad for making her suffer so when I get out, I’m going to repay her with infinite love for all she has done for me”. And bam! That’s where the story ends…with the start of his journey toward redemption haha. 

Gu Won is Raskolnikov in the sense that he thinks he’s better than everyone else and can therefore cross any line he so chooses. Based on a flashback in Ep 6, it seemed Gu Won had this kind of mindset even before he became a demon. So, what crime did Gu Won commit that landed him in Hell in the first place? I wouldn’t label it so much as an actual crime like murder but Gu Won probably got Do Hee’s past self killed. The guilt he felt after her death is probably what led to him become essentially trapped in a mental Hell, much like Madam Ju. Eventually, this guilt prevented him from entering heaven after he died. God/Lady probably took pity on him and offered him salvation in the form of becoming a demon; alternatively, it could be that God/Lady offered him a "sweet" contract where he could work as a demon in exchange for a second chance and a happier life with Do Hee in the future. Regardless of whatever the case may be, the important thing is that Gu Won needs to remember what happened in his past so he can seek forgiveness from Do Hee in the present and start his path toward redemption much like Raskolnikov. The truth sets you free haha. Gu Won is taking a step in the right direction though by protecting Do Hee. He could be like Raskolnikov and choose to give Do Hee infinite love for the rest of his life to make up for the horrible things he did to her in the past haha. Oh, one more thing for this section, the tattoo being on Do Hee’s wrist could symbolize that she was the reason why he became a demon in the first place. 

Murders of Do Hee’s Parents and Madam Ju/Who Is Abraxas

In my original post, this section was long, but as I previously mentioned, the stuff I wrote was deleted. I’m just going to give you the overall gist of it. I still think the person who killed Madam Ju was Ju Seok Hun and that the person who killed Do Hee’s parents was Madam Ju’s little brother/Seok Hun’s father. I don’t think Madam Ju directly killed Do Hee’s parents, but she felt guilty for their deaths because she covered up the incident to protect her little brother. After which, she cut him off and exiled him to Peru to live a hippie life haha. This is completely speculative though. Like we have two choices for who murdered Do Hee’s parents and Madam Ju. Choice #1 is Noh Suk Min and Noh Do Gyeong and Choice #2 Seok Hun’s father and Seok Hun. One argument I made for choice #2 is that if Suk Min and Do Gyeong were the real killers, wouldn’t the actor who played Do Gyeong be a main lead instead of a supporting character? Another argument was that Seok Hun has too many conflicting qualities about him. For example, he is a hippie who works in the corporate world and despite portraying a goody-two-shoes image, he suggests Do Hee should engage in some ethically questionable business practices like letting Mirae Investments buy shares of Mirae F&B to offset the losses. 

It’s also important to remember what Do Hee said about “sweet” things and how they’re always fake (except for Gu Won haha). Seok Hun is faker than acrylic nails. He puts on an act that he cares about her well-being when in reality, he hopes she dies. He must continue with this nice guy act because he doesn’t want her death to lead back to him. Just think about some things for a moment, if Do Hee died, who would the police suspect killed her? Would it be the people who openly voiced their disdain for her or the person whom she had a loving relationship with? It would be the former. The scene with Do Gyeong at the lockers is essentially Seok Hun setting him up to take the fall for Do Hee’s murder. At the end of the day, human greed is what drove Seok Hun to do what he did. Who knows, maybe his greed stems from being subjected to a frugal lifestyle while growing up. 

Crosses, Numerology, and Tarot

Amen, we are nearing the end. Ok, let’s keep going at record speed. So, crosses and Catholicism/Christianity are heavily present in this show. The same goes for numbers and tarot. They’re all connected. Some religious crosses can look like an “X” which looks like the Roman numeral 10. The number 10 is everywhere in this show. For example, the little girl was celebrating her 10th birthday and the Wheel of Fortune is the 10th tarot card in the Rider Waite Tarot Deck. Connecting numerology with tarot, the wheel of fortune represents the end of one journey and the beginning of another…1 + 0 = 1, where 1 symbolizes completion.

The clock in the promotional poster has a hand pointing at 10, which is different than the clocks seen at Gu Won’s place that only go from 0-9. While we are on the subject of 9, “Gu” means nine. Every time Gu Won started a new life, he named himself the next number following his current one. For example, he was Il (1) Won, then I (2) Won, and so forth. Now in his 9th life, he is called Gu Won. Get it? Ok, cool. What comes after 9? 10. After Gu Won completes his transformation into a human, he will be called Sip (10) Won haha. Additionally, did anyone notice the number 91 on the cake Do Hee baked for him? What’s 9+1? 10. 

Pay attention to the numbers in this show people! Always ask yourself what each number means and what it's connected to haha. When God/the Lady said, "I’m betting on all the odd numbers", many were like what does that mean? She’s referring to the numbers on tarot cards (Rider Waite Deck), which represent Gu Won and Do Hee. For example, which cards represent them? For starters, the 15th card aka the devil. 1+5=6 which is the lovers card. Another odd-numbered tarot card that is representative of Do Hee and Gu Won is the 9th card which is “The Hermit” because let’s be real here, they both were hermits before they met each other. The last major arcana tarot card in the deck is #21…THE WORLD aka GUARANTEED SUCCESS. So this is what God/Lady meant when she said she’s betting on all the odd numbers. It’s the writer’s way of telling us we are going to get a happy ending after all the chaos that will occur. 

One more intriguing number is 17. If you sniff around, you’ll notice that 17 is the number of years that have passed since Do Hee’s parents died. 17 is also the number of the coin locker where Jeffrey and Seok Hun exchange stuff. Hilariously, Gu Won’s passcode to his safe is “666”, which is the number of the beast/devil haha. In the newspaper clipping about the Sunwol Foundation, it said the theater was completed on June 7, 1977 and Gu Won’s name during that time was Chil (7) Won haha. The number 7 is seen as lucky in Korean and many Western cultures. 

MISC

The cross necklace Gu Won wears probably belonged to Do Hee’s past self or was given to Gu Won by Do Hee…..OH I just made another connection…..In “Crime and Punishment”, Sonia gave Raskolnikov a cross necklace. Also, in Crime and Punishment, Sonia was a prostitute and Do Hee was essentially one during the Joseon dynasty…. Kisaeng and prostitutes are basically the same thing haha. It’s also interesting that both Gu Won and Do Hee wear two necklaces, one silver and one gold. I wonder if there’s any meaning behind that.

In the newspaper clipping about Sunwol Foundation, the term 'Sun/Seon' is written in hanja and translates to 'to return/come back.' This element was part of Gu Won's original name, Yi Sun/Seon. Additionally, 'wol' means moon. Therefore, I interpreted 'Sunwol' to mean 'Sun and Moon' or 'Moon That Returns.' In a broader sense, Sunwol can be likened to the Taj Mahal—a building or monument constructed in memory of a beloved. One could also view Sunwol as a place that narrates the love story of the Sun (Gu Won) and the Moon (Do Hee) or as a place built with the hope that Gu Won’s beloved moon would return one day.

Ok, folks, that concludes this very brief TA post. WOOHOO! Sorry if there were any grammatical mistakes or typos, and if this post seemed a bit disorganized. I really have to get to bed and didn't have time to edit this haha. See you all next week maybe!

#my demon

[blazehedgehog]

ICYMI: My Sonic Frontiers Criticism/Essay Is Out Now

So here's the last four months of my life come to fruition: the longest piece of edited criticism I've ever put on my Youtube channel, clocking in at just over an hour. For those of you that may be new around here, I am pretty against making long videos. I don't know if I overthink things too much or what, but it's rare for me to have much tolerance for feature-length reviews of things. They can wear me out just watching them, and it definitely wears me out to make them.

But sometimes you just have a lot to say. And I didn't even necessarily say everything I could have said here; there were things I would have added if not for the looming deadline proposed by the video sponsor. That's not a complaint -- sometimes you need someone else to tell you "be done by this date or else." Limitations foster creativity and toiling away at perfection can sometimes be just as toxic as crunch.

What I was trying to say is it's a big video, and it was hard keeping everything straight in my head because there was so much. One of those times where I was glad how I planned things out in advance, because sometimes the thoughts you had four months ago are not the same thoughts you have today, and the thoughts from four months ago were better.

It's already proving to be a bit of a divisive video, given I am going against the grain here. But I'm a big boy. I've spent time on the front lines of these sorts of things before. I know how to handle myself. I mean, half the reason I started my tumblr back in the day was pointing out some of the truly deranged takes I'd get in the replies to my Sonic 06 video.

Though I do worry. I'm getting a lot of people who are... politely declining to tell me what they think. More than a few "I don't agree with you, but I'm glad you released this video" that then never elaborate further. And that makes me feel bad? But why? Do I want to argue with my friends? Not particularly.

But more to the point, are people afraid to argue with me? Do I get too aggressive? I've picked up on a vibe, not just from friends, where people seem to go out of their way to avoid arguments with and/or around me. I mean I literally just said I started my Tumblr blog as a "get a load of this guy in my comments" spotlight (which, for the record, I don't do anymore). I don't want to be scary. But is it scary, or is it a strength? Or am I just imagining the whole thing? History says it's probably that last one, but it doesn't stop me from wondering. It's a lot to chew on.

At the end of the day, I do think parts of this script could have been better. I do kind of get a little mean at a couple points in ways I could have written around. A lot of people are bristling at the opening spiel, where I get more than a little "you people" about the Game Awards voting situation. There's another part later in the video where I also feature actual comments from a previous video and as I was editing it together I thought, "this sounds mean." But given I was less than 24 hours away from that deadline, I just had to roll with it (so I at least blurred the names and cropped the avatars out).

I'll end this post by quoting what I wrote on Patreon day before yesterday for the early access version of this video:

What a march this has been. I've worked on some videos that felt like they took forever, but nothing like this. This felt like the project that would never end. Some of that's because, after pushing myself so hard on the Sonic Adventure 2 video, I tried to be a little more casual with this one. I think I started the script around the end of April, a couple weeks after finishing the game on-stream. The idea was to avoid burnout.  And then the script grew, and grew, and grew, to be the longest script I've ever written. After doing voice over, I had three hours of material I had to cut down. I captured more than 60 hours of gameplay from more than 50 games. Thank goodness I took the time to stop and "storyboard" out this review like I did with the SA2 video. It actually proved to be extremely valuable here -- with a video this long, that takes so long to put together, it's hard to keep all of your ideas hot and ready in your head. Often I'd fall back to the storyboard and realize I planned something months ago that was way better than what I was doing in the moment.  And then in July, a sponsor came calling again. Suddenly I had a real deadline. The last four weeks have been a race to move this mountain of material into something resembling the shape of a video. The last couple days in particular have felt something like a miracle. A work ethic I hadn't tapped into in years suddenly roared to life as I locked down 20+ minutes of video in a matter of hours. It may have involved several actual panic attacks and me running on about four hours of sleep, but here we are. I was revising the script all the way up until a week ago. In retrospect, the sponsor segment probably leans a little too much on SAGE content, but by the time I realized that the train was barreling down the tracks too fast to stop. Thoughts for next time, I guess.

Patrons get a PDF of the script I used, including an unfinished earlier draft I abandoned where I think I was actually even meaner about it, if you can believe it. They also get a PDF of what my "storyboarding" process looks like (which is all just text).

I'll probably toss up a post for all the art I made for this video, too.

#sonic the hedgehog #sega #sonic team #sonic frontiers #youtube #video #long #behind the scenes #Youtube

[vro0m-but-not-cars]

Okay @sweatyflytrap asked for my final opinion on the one piece live action and I have a lot of things to say as always so I'm making a post.

Light, unspecific spoilers, but well.

First of all it's not bad. But also it's not good. I don't feel excited about it, but I didn't have as much of a hard time watching it than I thought. Except the first episode. I spent the first episode messaging all my friends about how ugly it looked.

About the story adaptation :

Some changes they made I understand, because the East Blue Saga is overall pretty rough in terms of rhythm and also kinda unthetered to how the story develops later on. Of course, it's very important and necessary as far as world building and putting the crew together go, but none of the more long term plotlines are there yet, or at least you don't know that they are, and that doesn't really work with live action tv shows or it makes them look like sitcoms. They had to introduce some more middle- long- term stuff to let people see that there are bigger things happening that are worth keeping up with the series. But it feels kinda weird when you've been reading and watching the manga and anime for fucking ever. Spoils some stuff that were big moments in the original story. But again : understandable.

Some other changes I just. Don't. What. Some were weird, some confused me, some were uncalled for and honestly kinda pissed me off (re: Usopp, iykyk).

One thing I was happy about is that there is, just like in the manga, some clever, more or less obvious, foreshadowing. Well played.

About the characters :

I saw a lot of people being very happy about the cast, I... Have doubts. I'm kinda sad some of them lose important character design aspects although I understand it would have been difficult to make them look like they're drawn. Usopp without his long nose is ??? I mean it's inherent to who he is so taking that away takes away from his characterisation for me. Also is Sanji really Sanji without the curly eyebrows? I like Nami, I think she's played by a good actress as well. She's the one who felt the more solid to me. Zoro looks okay, I kinda hate how they turned him into some edgy vocal-fried annoyed teenager but well. Hopefully he'll gain more depth as we go. Hopefully they all do. We've barely seen them yet.

Now Luffy... I mean it's tricky, obviously. I just don't understand his character in the LA tbh because he's supposed to be super naive and carefree and not very smart, and sometimes he is, and at other times he says elaborate things that don't match up. Seeing him more or less seriously plan and strategise at times is intensely OOC and really took me out of it. Also it would always have been difficult to translate in LA but I find his smile very sinister at times. Overall, because he's sometimes smarter than he's supposed to be and because of that smile, you get the idea that he's acting stupider than he actually is and it gives the impression he's more calculated and manipulative than happy-go-lucky. I can't really read him well. He feels weird.

And I sure hope they get a better wig and lenses budget in the future but seeing how the Witcher characters look in their third or whatever season I highly doubt it. Seeing them with shitty synthetic dry AF hair really really takes me out of it. I cannot possibly take Shanks seriously when that's what he looks like. Don't even get me started on Mihawk. Also I've posted about this before but why in hell did they turned tall glass of water future daddy Ben Beckmann into a short jowly pot-bellied 50yo? I'm sad. AND don't try to convice me that Alvida is ugly because what the hell. Please take me on a date, I will definitely tell you you're beautiful. Also not a problem but why the fuck is Garp Welsh?

Another issue I have discussed with friends is Sanji's characterisation. Obvi they couldn't make him as creepy as he is in the manga and anime where he's straight-up harassing women but this very central aspect of his personality is almost completely lost in the LA which makes him seem very weird. It makes it difficult to understand how he acts towards Nami at times, when they're supposed to be one of the most well-matched duos in the crew. In parallel, LA Zoro and Nami have sexual tension for zero reason. Their chemistry works much better than Nami and Sanji's at this point. It's fixable in the next seasons but in this one it's kinda weird when you know their characters.

About the production :

Okay so one thing I will say without any further "but" is that Sanji's and especially Zoro's fighting scenes look very good. They're well choregraphed, and badass, and dynamic.

Luffy's fighting scenes are bad though. The gomu gomu fruit abilities look bad. He barely uses them most of the time (I guess it's costly and difficult to create visually). He looks weak, and slow. The rhythm is terrible. Also it's difficult to see him sometimes use gomu gomu to be rubbery and thus fully flexible and sometimes see the actual actor jump and bend like a more or less normal person, thus lacking the elasticity Luffy is supposed to have. It's like sometimes the rubber ability is activated and sometimes not and he just becomes a normal human being. I fully understand that it's not realistic to half animate him all the time to make it fit but again, it was very noticeable to me.

I also struggle with the overall vibe of the LA. Some things feel overly childish, like all the discourse around dreams etc. It is there in OP though, it is generally key in shōnen, no problem. But at the same time, it's quite violent and sinister at times. Buggy is scary af, he feels incredibly creepy. Which is also fine, the OP world is violent and weird. But it doesn't look that violent and weird when it's drawn. The juxtaposition of the child-like, naive, idealistic themes and the creepiness is a bit confusing to me. I'm trying to think who's the target for this aside from the obvious OP fans. It seems a bit too grotesque for children, and it feels a bit too "✨the power of friendship✨" for teens and adults. But well. It was the case in the manga as well initally and it got darker and more serious with time so whatever, I'll reserve judgement.

Conclusion :

I still don't know what to think because I started with loads of questions and now I just have even more. Mostly about how they intend to adapt the rest of it. Are they gonna buy their wigs and lenses elsewhere than Claire's? What the fuck is Chopper gonna look like? What about Brooks? Are they gonna make Ace and Law ugly as well? Because if so I might burn Netflix's headquarters for ruining them for me. Is Luffy gonna get better at fighting or do they intend for Zoro and Sanji to do most of the work forever? Is Bon Clay gonna be extremely offensive or are they somehow gonna manage to make him tasteful without ruining him? Is he gonna be there at all? I mean I could go on and on.

Anyway, as I was saying it's not bad, but it's not good. I think it works much better for people who haven't seen or read OP yet.

#one piece #one piece live action #opla

[stargazer-sims]

Tyler Tae-Yang Lee (he/him)

Also Known As: Lee Taeyang, Tyler Lee, TY

Everyone who knows Tyler says he was practically born to be famous.

He is the son of Korean-Canadian actress Vivianne Ki-Sun Lee (who got her first big break in Del Sol in an Uncle Kaz film) and Japanese celebrity chef & television personality Toshiro Ichihara. He’s a member of the all-boy idol group Neon World Rainbow, but all the members are currently taking a break from performing together either to have more personal time or to pursue individual projects.

Tyler has just released his first album as a solo artist, performing under the stage name TY (and his fans are speculating whether this is short for Tyler or if it's the initials of his Korean name, Tae-Yang). Although music is Tyler's passion and his main career, he's also done some modelling and has made small forays into acting. He thinks he'd like to pursue acting a bit more seriously in future.

Tyler is an only child. He was unplanned and his father teasingly refers to him as "the happy accident". Both his parents adore him, and despite the fact that they never married and were in more of an on-again, off-again situationship than a relationship for several years, they did their best to co-parent. Tyler's mother was his primary caregiver, but he spent lots of time with his father growing up. Because Vivianne and Toshiro are friends, they decided they didn't need the courts to make a custody and access order. They shared custody as fairly as they could when Tyler was little, and then when he got older, he went back and forth between his parents' houses whenever he wanted. If anyone were to ask him, Tyler would say he's well-adjusted and had a happy, fun and very privileged childhood growing up in Del Sol Valley.

Tyler speaks four languages; English, Korean, Japanese and French. He's less fluent in French than in the other three, but he knows enough to have a fairly coherent conversation with any French-speaker he might meet.

He considers himself to be pansexual. He sees people as people, and doesn't put too much emphasis on gender or biological sex, preferring instead to judge people on their character and personality rather than on whatever label they may have. He does have his preferences, but he likes to keep an open mind and be receptive to any potential options. So far, he hasn't been particularly lucky in love, but there's still time. He's only twenty-six, after all.

Aside from performing, Tyler enjoys going home to Del Sol and spending time on the beach whenever he can, swimming and free-diving. He also enjoys going out dancing. Thanks to plenty of lessons from his father, he's a better than average cook, and likes to make meals to share with his friends.

His other favourite thing to do is shopping. He can spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes, shoes, jewelry and beauty products. He always wants to look as beautiful as possible, and for him, self-care isn't just exercising, eating healthy and getting lots of rest. He has an elaborate self-care routine at home, and don't even think of getting between this man and his regularly-scheduled spa days. ("Yes, I am high-maintenance, but I think you've got to be.")

His latest endeavour is to learn how to ride. And because he doesn't do anything by half-measures, he hasn't just bought a horse. He's bought a whole piece of land and a summer home as well.

Wait until he finds out that the experience is nothing like it looks on TV

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #Tyler Lee #stargazersims

[fountainpenguin]

i would just like to say. you are a godsend for someone like me who hyperfixates on fop but really wants more worldbuilding. thank u so much for existing and writing this wonderful world! i love how much care and research you put into every little thing. you've inspired me a lot and helped me work on my own fop au, and put it in a place where i'm actually happy with it. i've always been interested in your interpretation of wanda's childhood + the fairy mafia, if you feel like elaborating.

This is so incredibly nice, thank you so much <3 That means the world to me. It feels good to be back digging my hands in the FOP soil after my long hiatus. Good luck to you as well! I wish you the best in worldbuilding for your AU.

There's a lot of backstory I like in the Fairywinkle family content, and I've dropped some hints about it in Origin of the Pixies. H.P.'s family (the Whimsifinados) are long-time rivals with the Fairywinkles (both violent business families pursuing money). After one of H.P.'s ancestors, Telford, was killed by the Fairywinkles, Telford's wife fled with their son and started a new life elsewhere in the cloudlands.

The Fairywinkles built their garbage business on top of the old Whimsifinado family home just to spite them. H.P. is LIVID about that to this day and would love to get "his family's property" back, but he's reluctant to fight Dusty [Big Daddy] Fairywinkle for it and kick off another round of warfare. H.P. lurks on the sidelines, occasionally trying to snip bits and pieces away from Big Daddy or just annoy him however he can. I say this because H.P. REALLY likes messing with the Fairywinkles (and Cosmo by extension) and he'd love to get his hooks in Poof.

Wanda and Wendy [Blonda] grew up in a wealthy home with their mom and dad (Not their biological mom, though they weren't aware of it). They grew up surrounded by crime but not understanding it until they were older.

Twins are frowned upon in Fairy culture, and identical twins in particular (Fairy World doesn't exactly look fondly on lookalikes; see also, the Anti-Fairies). As the firstborn twin, Wanda is due to inherit more from the family [You'll get to see more inheritance worldbuilding in the next Knots chapter] and she was roped into being a thief from a young age.

[More under the cut]

Wendy was relatively sheltered, not spoken about so much in public since she was the undesirable second-born twin- the face-stealer, the copycat. For big social gatherings, her family would treat her with make-up and magic to "give her her own face" so she didn't look like Wanda, actually.

As she got older, Wendy was actually pressured to dress and behave as a boy, which she did for most of her childhood and young teens- we saw her a few times in Origin of the Pixies where H.P. noticed that Big Daddy seemed to have "a perfect daughter and a son who didn't seem to know what he was doing." Big Daddy has a lot of fondness for Wanda. He's her "good girl" and he has a lot of sweet pet names for her. He considers her classy, pristine, skilled, and successful while his other daughter is just running around as a "failed actress."

Throughout their youth - as per their family's request - Wanda and Wendy would use their status as identical twins to "always have an alibi." They would dress as each other (by which I mean Wendy would dress as Wanda) and they regularly swapped places so one of them could steal things from fancy parties or business meetings without being suspected. After all, Wanda was right here at dinner the whole time! Anyone who saw Wanda elsewhere must be imagining things.

Wendy did have a good relationship with their mom, by the way [Serena- we saw her in the 130 Prompt "Looking Back" where she's one of the school teachers]. Serena spent a lot of time with Wendy, helping her put on make-up disguises and such, or just spending time with her as mom and daughter.

Serena understood how much Wendy was struggling with her role, but Serena is also a Good Mob Wife who wasn't going to push back against her husband's instructions. She gave Wendy a lot of little treats growing up, like souvenirs and ice cream getaways with Mom. Unfortunately this caused a lot of tension with Wanda, leading us to that scene in "Blondas Have More Fun" where Wanda yells "Mom always liked you best."

Things were always tense for the twins, honestly. Wanda was partly blind to her firstborn twin privilege. She saw her life as having more responsibilities. Daddy's needs and expectations required her to spend a lot of time in boring meetings. She saw herself as needing to do hard work "for the family" while her sister got to play around.

A rift formed between the sisters as Wanda felt frustrated that Mom favored Wendy (giving her treats when Wanda was the hardworking sibling who always got the best grades and did all the extracurriculars) while Wendy felt like she was overlooked or mistreated by her family. Wendy couldn't even "be a girl" without criticism or requests to disguise herself. She had Mom, and sometimes that felt like the one and only thing she had, and she was defensive of her time with Mom and didn't want Wanda to take that away from her.

Wanda can play the piano and she likes writing novels, those are some things I want to highlight from her childhood. I envision Wanda as a little girl with ribbons in her hair who always wore a pretty sundress and was super polite at family parties. She fluttered around hosting tea parties for her toys, playing piano, crocheting with her mom, and doing Good Little Girl Things. She also totally played in the mud... This is Garbage Family, they did lots of Dirty Work too.

Wanda's upbringing is basically "gifted child from the upper class who is nice to others." She was that slightly popular elementary school girl who actually deserved to be popular because she was kind and fun to be around. She'd bring people cupcakes and she'd also build a treehouse with them.

Cosmo saw her from a distance sometimes, playing with her friends, but he's the grubby poor kid who would have been chased off if he got near (especially with his family in debt to the Fairywinkles). Growing up, Cosmo's experience with Wanda was that if you asked him if he knew her, he'd be like "Oh yeah, I know her." Same vibe as a kid who goes to your school but you never have any classes with them.

Wendy struggled a lot, never wanting to put in the effort to master a skill because "she'll never be as good at it as Wanda anyway." She didn't crave her parents' praise, but she did want to feel loved. She just necessarily want them to be "proud" of her but rather she envied kids from other families who seemed to have love freely given to them, and she wanted to have love given to her too. She's mediocre at a lot of things and never really found something to put her passion behind as a kid. She just kind of got pushed into doing things.

It wasn't until they were in high school that Wendy finally came out and said "I'm an identical twin and I'm proud to be me." The stealing schtick wouldn't work so well after that, and Wanda and Wendy were already starting to come to terms with the fact that they had been steered into that life and actually, maybe they DON'T want to pursue a life of crime, no thanks... Their upbringing is still threaded through them, but they don't play on the stage their Daddy does.

Anti-Cosmo runs into Wendy shortly after her coming out. In Frayed Knots, we see that Wendy has already taken on the name Blonda and is trying to become more of a bubbly "I'm going to take up space because I deserve to exist" person. She's still kind of shy, but she's in her "I deserve happiness" arc and that's what leads her to get so tangled up in Anti-Cosmo's charming, seemingly adventurous lifestyle.

Blonda's the type who looks at pirates and romanticizes them for their adventures, overlooking the crime aspect, ha ha. She does the same thing with Anti-Cosmo. Anti-Fairy migration season? You mean Fun Month-Long Road Trip With The Squad??

It was important to me that in Frayed Knots, we get to see Wanda and Blonda hanging out together. They're at boarding school and they're sisters. They care about each other, but their relationship is definitely on the rocks. Wanda still feels like she's the "smart one" who studies hard, does a lot of difficult favors for Daddy (like deliveries and paperwork), and goes unappreciated. Blonda still feels like Wanda has everything and that Wanda doesn't understand what she's been through, and/or that Wanda wants to take away her happiness. Life's rough.

[I talked more about Blonda in my "Blondas Have More Fun" analysis post HERE]

Blonda spent her childhood dressing up and playing roles, and so her acting career is very important to her as she's taking roles willingly instead of because she's forced into it. She craves that spotlight and luxury that she was denied as a childhood just for being the second-born twin. I have many feelings about Blonda and her relationship with the Fairywinkle family...

I do think Wanda is a nice person overall and it's not my intention to demonize her, but I do also think she's a little self-centered and blind to Blonda's struggles. She's a better mother than she is a sister, and she doesn't seem like she wants to try hard to fix the relationship between them (See also, the end of "Blondas Have More Fun" when Blonda is - tbh understandably - sad that her name was incorrectly called as the winner of a Zappy award and she didn't actually win, Wanda rubs it in her face in front of everyone).

I feel like Wanda would be friends with her sister if it was "easy..." she's just reluctant to look at herself and admit to some of her own harmful behaviors. She pushes responsibility for maintaining this sisterly bond on Blonda.

Wanda's the one who eloped. We know Wanda kept in contact with Big Daddy by writing letters, but she considers herself to have a poor relationship with Blonda (Not mentioning her to Timmy, possibly not even inviting her sister to her wedding or Poof's baby shower??) Wanda perceives Blonda as the troublemaker and expects Blonda to come to her pleading for forgiveness. Blonda doesn't want to because she feels like Wanda should apologize for the rift between them. It's a messy dynamic that I do think is interesting.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts on the Fairywinkle family! Poof's relationship with his mom's side of the family is a focus of some 130 Prompts that are waiting in my buffer queue, so you'll see more of that soon! (Looks like late September and late October according to my schedule, so I guess it'll be a bit).

I also have a fic called "Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Pixies" which is for Poof what "You'll Never Know" was for Foop. I'm really excited to share that when it's the right time in the timeline for it; Poof and the Fairywinkle family are such a loaded concept.

#Fairly OddParents #FOP #FAIRIES! #ridwriting #130 Prompts #Purple hippie dragonfly #Dragonfly parents #Dragonfly grandpa #Dragonfly aunt #Long post #Origin of the Pixies #We're Pixies! #I'm wasp dad trash #Frayed Knots #The bat with the hat #asks #Anon #Nice words

[pochapal]

I don’t know if you’ve been asked this before, but what was your experience with detective mystery novels before umineko?

i've always gravitated towards stories with mysteries or something obtuse to puzzle over and figure out but i'm not actually that versed in detective fiction at all haha. the genres i'm normally into lean more towards horror and speculative/literary and also everything that homestuck is so while a lot of stuff i read does have central mysteries guiding their plots, the specific construction of detective mystery isn't something i am incredibly familiar with on the whole.

my closest experience to detective mystery fiction was actually when i was super into danganronpa as a teen and i ended up trying to write my own original killing game fan story. i never finished it and it's kind of cringe looking back at it but i did spend several years of my life trying to construct solid "hard but fair" murder mystery cases (i still have a bunch of files on my hard drive from when i planned it all out lol) that i think taught me a lot about the experience of a murder mystery from both the perspective of the writer and the reader. a lot of that was making up a guy in my head and imagining them trying to catch me out based on where their thinking would likely be at each stage. so then i was also thinking of my mystery but also how to throw this hypothetical guy off the scent while still making something solvable. the writing process was very much like chessboard spinning but if you put the chessboard in a 1 million rpm washing machine and turned into a weird psychological game of cat and mouse between me and a person that didn't necessarily exist.

the mysteries i published were kind of not that great (their conceits were "how can you find *the* culprit when the culprit is actually two people in tandem" and "an incredibly obvious case that becomes complicated by everybody else's assumptions and overthinking") since i wrote and planned them out when i was like 17 but the later cases i never got around to doing when i hit my stride and sketched out the rest of this story would have been way cooler (one murder was going to hinge around a really nasty wordplay trick to do with the time of death that technically wasn't a lie but was incredibly misleading and deceptive and another was an elaborate cause-effect chain involving a publicly witnessed indisputable suicide as the trigger) if i'd gotten around to completing the story. i will forever be haunted by this one particular locked double locked room murder i spent six months of my life sketching out down to the minute by minute positioning of the characters. it would have had the 2018 fanganronpa community trembling in their boots if i had ever realized my vision lmao.

anyway i guess my experience with detective mystery fiction is coming more from the position of a writer than a reader which i think comes through a little when you examine some of my thought processes (my approach at times is very much "if i was writing this story right now what would i do here" and then i search for evidence to try and back that up) even if i'm not super well-read or familiar with the genre outside of like one vn series lol. i know about making fiction and i know about keeping people guessing via revealing and concealing information and past a certain point most fiction operates under similar principles so that's how i got into understanding and approaching mystery. i think it's a fun genre, both to produce and to read now that i'm reading something that is more seriously presenting itself as a piece of detective mystery fiction! umineko is good because it really is scratching a specific kind of itch i never really address in my own writing these days because there's a specific time and occasion to produce these kinds of mysteries. hope this illuminates my understanding of/relationship to this genre a little more!

#nauseating-nostalgia #i always think writing detective/mystery fiction is fun and i should do it more but i never really get the chance haha #oh i also know vaguely about that infamous 'rules of detective fiction' list (i think it's also referenced in a zero escape game?) #specifically the 'secret doors/passageways are signs of a hack mystery writer and should be avoided at all costs' rule #which made me super mad when i was planning my danganronpa story because i did in fact have a secret passage plot point #and ended up scrapping it because i was afraid these detective fiction rules were taken seriously and everyone would trash my story lol #can't remember any of the other like million rules that were there except for that one that made teenage me feel SO insecure lmfao

[crying-fantasies]

The Star and The Love

Act 4: Over and Over

Masterlist

Previous/-

It was an interesting day to say the least, you talked to Jonathan Joestar and your great great grandma, both deceased, and many other people that you only heard of and that were also deceased (the others told to no say a word about their deaths), and searching the parts of a dead body, but now everyone was talking about how all the Joestars just disappeared.

You didn't get what was happening, not even when some light started to appear on the horizon and took you all, there was silence, too much to even be comfortable, it was just a second.

And when you opened your eyes again, you were in front of total madness, a lot of little screens around you, it was for a brief moment but some of those were total darkness, and others showed you many versions of you, some were older, others were younger, then the light overpowered you for a second time.

You looked around once again, noticing that Jotaro was behind you, everything was just dark and then you noticed that no one else was there, little bits of light showing around.

"You saw it, didn't you?"

"What do you mean?" Still looking around, doing a mess in your head, one of the screens showed you with a baby, a freaking baby, your teenager self was panicking, "of all the crazy stuff that was here before? No, everything fine, just that I'm not about to have a heart attack, not at all!"

Great, now you were freaking out, he hated it, Jotaro always felt exasperated when you got like this, not even hearing what others had to say in those moments.

"Listen, just now Dio was defeated-"

"And what the hell with all your ancestors appearing?!"

"The world is restarting and-"

"And what about you nowhere to be found when we were in the middle of a battle?!"

"I just want to-"

"And what the fuck with Dio being alive and some kind of god-?!"

"Shut up and let me explain, goddammit!"

Oh well, now he had your attention, but you were angry, it was hard to describe, searching for answers you got near him, looking him straight at the eyes, he was tall, why he had to be tall? Why was he so handsome?

What was wrong with you?!

Both of you didn't realize, but the scars on your face accentuated, healed, like time was going without a stop, fast.

"Explain, elaborate, that I don't know why but I had this feeling that I-" now you just tried to stop, your heart beating hard just by his presence, this never happened to you before, not in all the days together or all the time that you spent in the same place with him, "why am I like this?"

"I don't know" now he felt strange around you, a strange feeling that urged him to put some distance, that made this feel that he didn't tolerate you near, "but what I know is that we have a choice now, one to change what happened before"

"By that you mean..." You remembered, the blood the tears, the ones that would never come back, "how can you be sure? What happened? Did you kill Dio again?" You felt your hands get sweaty, you felt nervous.

"I did" this was good, now you were calm, more easy to listen, now he felt weird and he didn't had any idea of the reason for it, "that piece of shit, it messed with this reality"

"Okay, I get it, totally something that Dio could do" now you felt better, more calm, your heart beating normally, a smile trying to form, you felt happy, you didn't realize it but your clothes were different, now with star shaped logos around.

"Now, this world is starting again and I already talked with the others" Jotaro too, he somehow got taller, his clothes showing more white parts, a little bit more colorful, he felt now content with you around, like it was normal, familiar, "I think that we all can change it, Even the old man's grandpa is talking to everyone involved in this"

"I get it, I mean, I guess?" This was too much, the world starting again? Yeah, totally normal with these people, "and what did the others say?"

"They agreed, there are many ways to stop the things that happened before it keep on repeating, but everyone must accept it" now he felt sadness, a huge one, and apparently you too, because you were crying, tears not stopping to fall from your eyes even when you dried them again and again.

"I mean, yeah, I don't want to see them die again, no one" you were crying, hard, and then anger overwhelmed you again, you looked at Jotaro, you hated him, you hated him so much "but for me, it would have been best if you could just die in their place, is that part of the plan?!" Your scars were even more subtle, your clothes almost all black, no stars in any of your clothes.

"No, it isn't" he was shocked by your words and your aggressive response, he could have insulted you back for it, but, deep down, he somehow felt like he deserved it.

"Well, I want it to be like that!" You were blinded by your hatred self, punching him in the chest, one wasn't enough so you repeated your action, "give me back my friends!"

"It can't work like that" he lets you be before he notices that you finally desisted, crying again, your fist still on his chest.

"Then just be out of my life" you cried and he didn't know what to do, he wanted to help you, something that his younger self would see as stupid, but that the one that he was at that moment just couldn't let you be like that, "I don't want to ever meet you, I don't want to ever know about you!"

"Are you sure?" He took your shoulders on his hands, he wanted to keep you close now, dry your tears away, but he also felt pressure, something that wanted and screamed in his head to put you far, far away.

Maybe your plea of never knowing of him was the best, he felt like he owned you that much.

"No, I-" you were still crying, your clothes changing, showing more colors, "I just, I don't care anymore?" now you were confused with yourself, one moment you hated him to the point of wanting him death, of not even knowing of his existence, what was wrong with you?

"I think that I get it" his voice was more like a whisper, his clothes were almost totally white, his whole demeanor was one of an adult, he noticed that scars, new ones, appeared on your body and face, your own face showed that you were also aging, your clothes now black with some colored deatils.

"I don't" your voice was distant, your eyes too, like you have seen all the problems that the world had to offer, your fist was also so scarred.

Apparently time was still running, more stars and what seemed like space powder started to form around you two.

Jotaro was looking at you, at how you just retreated, your hand now at your side, looking around, the same screens appeared again, you noticed Jotaro see where the floor was supposed to be, using his hat to cover his face when your clothes were now black with some green on it, you didn't want to look at him and he was doing the same.

"I'm sorry" now Jotaro clothes were quite eye catching, the purple looked good on him, "I'm so sorry"

"Yeah, I know" you both looked older, wiser, he had this kind of remorseful aura around him, and you believed that he got it for far too long, "somehow I know"

"The deal is that everyone gets to live, if we choose wisely" now a wound appeared on his face, it was deep, his eye lost it's focus.

"That's good for me" a big wound was showing on your neck and Jotaro was fast to put his hand on it to stop the bleeding, one that never came.

"What do you plan to do?" The wound on his eye started to bleed, another one forming on his own neck, you put your hand there to try to help him even when blood wasn't present, your other hand took his, the one on your neck.

"I... want to repeat my life" you looked at a screen in particular, you had a child in your arms, an older one around and the voices full of happiness around, you didn't knew who they were but you wanted to hug them in that very moment, "at least, to get to meet them"

"I'm going to do that too" he smiled, memories of the strange girl that fought with him.

"Jotaro" you called out to him, he smiled, his attention on you, "why did you left me, why you didn't even explain to me?"

"I was scared" he was sincere, maybe it was something that he got with the years, when did those years came from? Why were both of you so old? "Everytime that I was with you danger would be around the corner, and I didn't want to live like that, but even when I left you the same danger was following me, it made me lose important time, it made me be in alert all the time"

"What happened to us, Jojo?"

"I'm not sure but, I know that I should have talked to you" he closed his eyes, memories that he didn't know that he had showing fast, "I should have explained you, tell you my reasons but you are a one path idiot that would try to chase after me no matter where I got if I told you"

"Damn right" if you could have stopped him, talked to him, things were really bounded to change, "I would've really liked to know if you told me sooner, maybe we could have make it work, I don't know" you felt like crying again, such stupid decisions made by the pair of your stupid young versions, "but I want to see my kids again".

"I know, me too"

"Try to be there more, okay?"

"Yes, you should also be more open about being around the world searching for danger"

"I don't want to hear that from you"

It was pleasing, it was like closure.

"I know that everything is going to repeat, but, please don't break my heart as bad as before" Jotaro wasn't sure if you were being serious or if you were joking, but he wanted to give you something safe to believe.

"I won't"

"Then, it's okay" you still had his hand on your grasp, you were smiling, everything was fine, "this world can restart"

And before you both noticed, everything was back from where it all began.

#Spotify #reader insert #x reader #angst #joestar family #jojo x reader #jotaro kujo #jotaro x you #jotaro x reader #jojo jotaro #jjba jotaro

[evendale]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged in this by the lovely @once-in-a-blue-moon-rising. Thank you! 😊 It's nice to revisit my fics, it's been a while.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

23

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

1,014,041 words. Yikes 😂

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Most of my works are in the La Casa de Papél fandom. Before that, I was in the Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries fandom. I also have a handful of ficlets in the fandom for the Stormlight Archive books by Brandon Sanderson.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

My top 5 fics by kudos are all in the LCDP fandom, and they're all +100k words.

Number one is 'The White Queen', a Regency romance AU. It's got almost double the amount of kudos than the second-highest fic.

'Personal Relationships', a canon-compliant AU.

'Back to Galicia', a movie star second chance AU.

'Safe House', a witness protection program AU.

'Tell Me What You Like', a collection of canon 'fill the gap' smutty scenes.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I used to 😅 I used to love spending a lot of time writing elaborate and personal responses to comments, and I in fact met several of my best fandom friends through comment conversations! However, over time I just simply didn't have the energy for it anymore. There are still a bunch of super lovely comments on the last chapter of my last fic that I really should have responded to, but I simply don't have the mental space. I do feel bad about that 🙈

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't write angsty endings. I love angst in the main fic, but I'm committed to HEAs :)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably 'The White Queen', where I spent about 50k words describing just how happy they were 😂

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've had a few nasty comments, but they're absolutely nothing compared to the vast sea of incredibly kind, lovely, and supportive comments I've gotten. I've been very lucky.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

My earlier work is almost entirely smut 😂 It's funny to see my later fics evolving into containing more and more plot, and less and less smut. I wonder how my readers felt about that 😂 The smut is explicit, but I've always tried to keep it tasteful.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't written any crossovers yet. I'm usually obsessed with only one piece of media at a time :)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes -- I discovered a few years ago that one of my LCDP fics had been stolen and put on Amazon for money! It took ages to explain things to Amazon (because I didn't own the characters) and to get it taken down. It was a very icky feeling.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I've had several requests from people who wanted to translate my fics into Russian :)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I don't think I could. I love to brainstorm about plot with a friend or beta reader, but I couldn't actually share the writing process. I'm too much of a control freak 😅

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

If we're only looking at the first 2 seasons of LCDP, then Serquel. However, the subsequent seasons partially ruined them for me, so maybe I'd better choose Phryne and Jack from Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My only unfinished fic on AO3 is 'Tell Me What You Love' in the LCDP fandom, but that's more a series of vignettes that I kept open in case I wanted to add more. It wasn't really meant to have an ending. That said, I don't think I'll ever add to it anymore.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, I think. I also think in general I'm a clear writer who gets to the point without too many flourishes or detours.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

For a long time, I felt like I couldn't come up with any kind of original plot, but I think I got better at that over time. I'm still pretty bad at descriptions, though. I just want to get to the action and dialogue, and I forget that my readers are not in my head and can't see the characters or surroundings like I do :D

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I wouldn't include more than a few words of phrases sprinkled through the dialogue.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. I was all of 26 when I first discovered fanfiction!

20. Favourite fic you've written?

That's such a tough choice 😅😅 If I absolutely have to choose, then I think 'The White Queen'. I was really just writing the exact fic that I wanted to read myself with that one. I had so much fun with it, I was so inspired that the chapters literally flowed out without any effort, and I got the most amazing response to it from the fandom. It will always be extra special to me 😊

I'm not tagging anyone in particular, but if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! :)

#fanfiction

[fleurcareil]

East Quebec: Côte Nord

Due to the 24-hour boat delay from Blanc-Sablon, I end up doing a beautiful hike along the Pioneer Footpath, a coastal trail between the villages, by walking around 4k from L'Anse au Clair towards Forteau and then back again (one-way between the villages is 15k which is too much for me). The sun ☀️ was finally shining so the cliffs, sea and icebergs 😍 looked even more magnificent! The iceberg that I had taken a picture of the day before (see previous post) had been shattered though into pieces, presumably because of the higher solar radiance. It shows how quickly nature can change!

In the afternoon, I dropped off my car at the ferry terminal so that I didn't need to be there at 3am to get the car loaded into the container, and instead could show up at 6.30 - a much more reasonable time! 🙃 I got a lift back to the hotel from two Welsh friends who recommended a cute café for dinner, so ended up having great conversations with them over tomato soup & a glass of wine 😃.

Next morning, we can finally walk onto the Bella, the Relais Nordik cargo ship that also functions as a cruise for tourists who want to see the villages that it stops at. I can't see my own car, but presume it's stacked somewhere in the containers! 🤞 There was as usual fog to start with, so we were treated on a slide presentation on the underwater life of the Fleuve Saint Laurent (we have here the 2nd largest shark in the world - the basking shark which only eats plankton), until a pod of 10 humpback whales was spotted so everyone rushed out to watch them. It wasn't very warm to sit outside for a long time, but the lounge area had big windows to spot icebergs, birds & two porpoises. 😊

In the afternoon, there was a brief stop at the village of La Tabatière, where, fully covered to defeat the black flies, I had a pretty view of the coastline. Thereafter, there was another presentation on local flora, including a tasting of labrador tea and local jams. And in the evening, I joined the Welsh for an elaborate lobster dinner... not too shabby this boat crossing! 😊

Although the chair in which I was huddled in my sleeping bag was very comfortable, I didn't sleep much, and when at 4:30am a new group of people boarded over a magnificent sunrise that was the end of it... after a refreshing shower and with a calm sea, it was however not a chore 😉 to sit for a few more hours in the lounge taking in the scenery until the boat would arrive at Kegashka, where the road starts again.

The offloading of cars, trailers, ATVs, kayaks, lawnmowers etc etc took ages so I waited 2 hours to finally see my car being craned down, but the time was spent chatting with the other passengers... it's funny that even after only a day it seems like the entire boat knows each other and people take selfies, exchange numbers and hug; Quebecois are very friendly!

This is the eastern terminus of route 138 which starts in Quebec City over a 1,000km away and which I'll need to drive in its entirety, so I better get going!😜 It was hot & humid though and I had trouble focusing on the (first 40k unpaved) road, so ended up laying down in the car for a bit at a pretty rest stop to recover some energy. In the evening, I walked along the promenade at Havre-Saint-Pierre, watching seals, terns and harbour porpoises go after their food (it was so quiet I could hear the porpoises breaching) until I got hungry myself and had a delicious fish dinner overlooking the sea... when I saw the Bella arrive... Walking back to the hotel I ran into the Welsh couple again, a small world!

Next morning, I'm up & ready at 7:45 with a cup of tea and lots of warm clothes for a 6-hour boat excursion to the eastern islands of the Mingan Archipelo national park. The islands are known for their rock monoliths that border their shores, and the first one, Île du Fantôme, didn't disappoint! The interpreter explained how they're formed and gave names to the various formations (like "the Sphynx" or "horse drinking water") but that often needed a healthy dose of imagination. 😉

The second island, Île Niapiskau, has a few impressive, larger monoliths that stand stark on the shore but also has some inland in between the trees, indicating that the sea level (responsible for the tidal erosion) used to be much higher when the land had not rebounded yet from the glacial retreat.

We stayed 2 hours on the final island, Île Quarry, where I walked via a detour along the coast to the monoliths rather than cutting directly through to the other side. The sun had come through and suddenly it was warm again! Beautiful cliffs & rock formations, the smell & sound of the sea... what else is there to say? 😊

This was a great trip and I recommend anyone to make the trek sometime to this remote part of the country (PS I believe all tours are in French so having a basic understanding is essential)!

Once back on shore, I made my way to Longue-Pointe-de-Mingan half an hour west, which acts as the base for exploring the western islands. Enroute, I visit the Maison de la Culture Innu, which has high-quality, interactive exhibits about the Innu who inhabited these lands first. I learned that they have actually a strained relationship with Parks Canada who manages the islands, as they're now no longer allowed to go there to hunt ducks and seals or collect eggs & berries, something they've done for centuries... as an Innu woman put it; "we're suddenly tourists in our own home". It shows how important (and difficult) it is to try to understand all sides of a story.

Having checked into the motel, I realized the village is even tinier than I thought; the one restaurant was closed (Havre-Saint-Pierre had 2 restaurants that were both open), but luckily the gas bar which ran out of gas 😂, did also have a grocery store so I got a Ceasar salad, chicken & cheese to eat on my room while the laundry was running.

I ran out of my picture allowance for this post, too much pretty nature to show 😎, so will continue in the next one.

Icebergs: 5 (on the boat)

Wildlife: 10 humpback whales, 2 harbour porpoises (on the boat), 6 seals (1 grey), 3 porpoises, 6 terns & 2 loons (at Havre-Saint-Pierre), 2 harbour seals, 1 grey seal, 1 porpoise (at the east Mingan archipelo)

SUPs: none

Hikes: one at L'Anse au Clair, one at La Tabatière, one at Île Quarry

[lizzybeth1986]

HLAW Day 6: Throwback

On this appreciation day I thought it would only be fitting that I posted the first ever Hana Lee fic I did, With A Little Help From My Friends. The story is in two parts, and while the first part is popular the second has one of my favourite lines of Hana's!

(@shazrystyles made this gorgeous art piece for the fic at least three years ago 💖💖)

This is Part 1, where Hana and Liam bond over music. And this is Part 2, where they bond over the woman they both love.

1. What about this character inspired you to create this piece?

Halfway through my first serious playthrough of TRR1 (a little after the book had ended), I became very fascinated with Hana as a character and found her extremely relatable. I bought as many scenes as I could. Some of my Liam stan friends at the time confessed they didn't know or understand her that well, so I wrote this fanfic because I really wanted them to see what I saw 💕

Also it struck me that Hana had a goodbye moment with all of the main group in her finale scene...except Liam. So what was the thing they could both do that they could enjoy together?? Music, of course!

2. What was your process like?

My process for fic is usually very linear...I HAVE to know the opening before I can write anything. Which I did for this one too. I knew I was going to start the fic with a heartbroken Hana hammering away on the piano, alone 😭 and from there I was able to let the story take its course.

And because PB never showed us Hana's gift, I needed to write it in myself so I spent some amount of time researching places where you could get dizi flutes in China (by the time I wrote Part 2, the first few chapters of TRR2 had already been out).

3. What part of creating this piece brought you the most joy?

Part 1: DEFINATELY Hana and Liam jamming together! Most of the fic had a lot of sadness and tension, so I loved ending it on this bittersweet note.

Part 2: Both Hana and Liam's final lines (the one she says about confessing to Esther and the one he says about her bravery) before they return to the ballroom.

4. Are there differences between the way you make content for this character, and the way they are depicted in canon/fan content? If so, why?

Like a lot of my friends, I tend to have elaborate backstories for her coz many of us felt that was something she was robbed of in canon. We also like to put her in the center of some of our stories coz she is amazing as a character and deserves more love than she actually gets, and because unfortunately she sometimes tends to get erased in fan content too. So it's important for us to center her needs and perspective in fics about her.

5. Did you have a playlist to get you into the mood for creating? If so, what kind of songs?

A Lot of Queen 😄😄 I was (still am!) a huge Queen fan, hence the song I finally selected for Liam & Hana's jamming session.

--

Doing a Day 6 fic for Hana now, but if I'm not able to put that up I hope at least this is out there!

#hana lee #hanaleeappreciationweek #HLAW #the royal romance #the royal holiday #the royal heir #the royal finale #HLAW Day 6 #HLAW Day 6: Throwback #long post #king liam

[non-binary-laurie-strode]

Anyway Skinamarink has been on my mind for a couple of hours in the most frustrating way, so here are some disjoint thoughts about it:

I am mostly negative on this one. There are some good sequences, but overall I was aching for some sort of development, something to happen. I guess it does at the end, but there's far too much time spent looking at ceiling corners for it to feel anything other than "ugh, finally."

I feel like Skinamarink is essentially an elaborate ink blot test using the "childhood home but wrong" imagery: I say ink blot test because everything is so poorly lit so as to be almost a true blob, and these are often viewed from not just wrong but insane angles; things are stuck to the walls and just generally out of place; and the constantly swirling "film grain" digital effect that is very noticeably on a loop eventually causes you to start seeing things in the constant swirls. Like an ink blot test, there is truly nothing there; it's just shapes and noise, and you derive meaning from whatever you piece together and whatever your subconscious latches onto. If you project something into the darkness, I feel that is more about your subconscious than anything that is inherent to the film itself; it does not have very much to say on its own, and so you must—whether you intend to or not, really—attach your own meaning to it. Your brain is, essentially, forced to fill in the blanks using the barest suggestions as an outline, which will of course produce the wildest variation in results. (If I may mix my metaphors, it's also like those "art pieces" that are just a canvas painted entirely blue—no, it does not have meaning inherent to itself; you are told that it is art, it is in an art space, and you are forcing your brain to come up with an artistic analysis of that which has nothing to say: If you come up with something, it is something you have pulled out of your head, and which does not exist but for the transformative and desperate nature of the act wracking your brains.)

There are a lot of pieces swirling around (in addition to the artificial film grain that is swirling away) including: The disappearence of your parents; strange voices in the dark telling you to do things, some of which may even be to hurt yourself; cartoons crossing the line from being silly to scary; no way to leave a place that scares or hurts you; toys that look fun in the light being scary when you leave them in the dark; being asked to look under the bed; the phone not working so you can't call for help (or, when it does connect, no one ever comes); stuff like that. And certainly, if those pieces are arranged in just the correct ways, yes, I could see it very much causing someone anxiety or fear or whatnot.

Me, personally? Staring into the dark just gave me a headache.

But also it's been an angry mosquito on my brain for a few hours so I guess it was compelling enough, even if I actively did not like it.

I don't think there's a singular story going on. Mack read it as some sort of cosmic horror; I read it as the boy was dying and that was the last moments of his brain, like, turning off and shutting down—the weird angles of the house, the ceiling corners, etc being his falling down the stairs (which is established very early on), the "knife in the eye" line is about him falling on something sharp, perhaps a lego, the call to 911 taking what feels in that headspace like forever, and the face at the end being someone from an ambulance. But again, I don't think they actually wrote a story; it's just what I managed to pull out of an abstract arrangement of images.

I don't know. Writing this out has made me feel more kindly towards its ambition, but it just didn't do it for me in its execution. I can see why someone might really fall into it. But it's not for me.

[hedgewitchh]

growing pains are an interesting thing to consider, especially since i've always been a bit of a late bloomer. and i don't mean the literal kind necessarily, moreso the emotional and social sides. sure, the first puberty results in a ton of new physical sensations and shifts, but you can also see a grander sense of self arise as well. except middle schoolers don't quite have the practice at being a capital p Person yet that comes from years of having this social awareness under their belts. so they're bumbling, awkward, brash, shy, and so on.

i am going to do my best not to ramble too much. each time i go to start a new sentence i think of three things i want to say simultaneously and its resulted in a number of meandering paragraphs with no purpose (like this one ;p). i trust anyone who reads this (if anyone even does (not that it really matters)) to be able to do so without my millions upon millions of disclaimers and elaborations and vain efforts to contain the entire scope of my thoughts as well as their infinite addendums that strive to acknowledge the depth of discussion that i am not engaging with, because if i didn't allow myself to just fucking say the thing i would be here typing until the heat death of the universe. holy fucking shit dude that's all only three sentences. physically restraining myself from deleting that entire post-intro preamble and MOVING ON

so. i was a late bloomer. i've always struggled with this. the people around me seem to move through life at a pace i'm not quite capable of. i remember anxiously waiting for hair to finally start growing on my body years after my friends had fallen prey to voice cracks and gangly growth spurts. between this and my short and scrawny body i've always had a bit of a complex about my masculinity. it felt like something that others found very natural and yet i was constantly having to work to maintain mine. i once got very upset at a girlfriend who would not stop calling me cute. i wanted to be handsome, i wanted to be hot, i wanted to be desirable and respected as a Man. cuteness reeked of femininity and emasculation, of a debasement that felt awfully validating of my inkling that my grasp on manhood was tenuous at best. it's bad enough to think it, but now other people thought it too, and worse, they Liked it

as i got older i approached this issue by carving out a niche into masculinity that felt more comfortable for me, as opposed to trying to live up to an ideal that i didn't fit into. i began taking pride in looking bad. i grew out my facial hair despite being very aware that it was sparse and scraggly and unseemly, clad myself in garish, loud and clashing clothing, and played up my voice cracks for comedy. being me became a comedy performance, and it was around then that i think my fixation on finding social acceptance through humor really blossomed. i found that if i discarded my shame and made myself a spectacle purposefully, it became a kind of confidence that many people were attracted to.

this isn't to say that i didn't find genuine happiness in these things, whatever "genuine" means in this context. making people laugh made me very happy! it's satisfying, and almost nothing on this earth compares to a strong audience reaction to a piece that is honed as closely to perfection as possible. i took to theater like a fish to water because i think that i carried that infamous fourth wall with me anywhere i went. i was content to plop it down wherever and whenever i felt and make myself into a kind of show. behold!! an iconographic class clown, the ever-watched ADHD wonderboy! David himself is democratically constructed in the purest fashion! go ahead dear audience member, cast your vote with nothing but a laugh, and see as your pleasure becomes flesh manifest.

i'm getting pretentious. i'll back off it a little. the point is that i've spent a very long time struggling incredibly hard to figure out who the fuck i even am. i am obsessed no longer with an ideal of masculinity for my fixation is now one on an ideal of the self. as i say that i think that they are the same hunt, merely with different labels. it just so happens that i've found masculinity no longer essential to defining who i am as a person.

my egg cracking feels very similar to that middle school awkwardness. i can see in my younger brother, who is about that age now where he has begun to conceptualize the world in firmer terms than however the fuck a four year old does it. i watch him fumble about and play at a burgeoning sense of style (inspired by the perceived men around him, including me, funnily enough. i've lent him shirts and accessories of mine a number of times now) as well as dig deeper into what he wants out of life at large. his future career is no longer a mild dream but a goal to be worked towards, and with that comes both self-actualization and the growing need to define a goal to fulfill.

i also am going through the hell of puberty once again, even though the hormones haven't come yet (working on that though, fingers crossed on my HRT consultation going well and my anxiety not making me shit myself to death about it all). but even then, isn't that the norm for me? to experience that social awakening and then have to wait for my body to catch up? i'm a bit of an old hand at this song and dance, which one would hope means i'm more adept at it than otherwise. that doesn't really seem to be the case, however, hence the growing pains in question. i've become once more painfully conscious of my body and voice and self and expression and the way that the world interprets all of that and paints a picture of me in response.

it's.... harder now, even. maybe that thought is born of the distance between the me now and the me who yearned to be a proper Man, but in this case i am striving to break out of both that masculine box and the box that i've constructed myself independently to cope with it. there's a russian doll of eggs to crack here and they only become more intimate and raw and tender as i make more progress. instead of this threshold crossing becoming one in which discomfort is assuaged by the crafting of a persona, it is one in which i escape the comfort of falsehood and attempt to come down from my stage and be "me". how terrifying! what does that even mean!

there's a concern in the back of my mind now. one that wonders if chasing femininity now is not just another side step into a box. even now, on the eve of being twenty years old, i have not really figured out what it means to be content or happy with something. it's hard for me to conceptualize joy and to recognize it as it happens. or perhaps i can recognize it, but acknowledging it is what is hard. because it is true and real and things that are true and real are a little foreign to me. i'm making strides to remove the performative filter and in doing so exposing myself to a world of sensations, and well, it's overwhelming.

it would be easier to stop. it would be easier to sink back into this role and play the part of David the Man.

but just as much as i hope becoming Lily will be "good" for me, i must consider that remaining David will be "bad".

it's aggravating that there is no real way to quantify this, but that's just sort of how the cookie crumbles i guess.

but for now i am Lily. my name is Lily. my friends and family all call me Lily. i am a girl, even if i don't look the part yet, even if the painting that the world constructs based on the input i give it contradicts this idea. because that painting has always been wrong anyways. it's always been subject to my own manipulations and i am well within my power to separate my Self from it, because that's how it's always been anyways.

#lilys journal #who needs therapy when you've discovered the epic highs and lows of spilling your guts on tumblr dot com