#so I’ll get no relief

[spottyissleepwalking]

I am. Miserable

#off the cusp of a panic attack because I’m horrible with scheduling shit #but my girlfriend is literally a saint #she’s wonderful and helped me out of it #BUT N O W #I am nauseous. and uncomfortable. and exhausted #I have shit due tomorrow for a class that I’m failing that I’ve never failed before in my life #I have so much anxiety #I seriously feel like I’m going to throw up #but I know I’m not #so I’ll get no relief #just. fuckin #pepto bismol’n it up over here #I’m so tired #I’m so so tired #I just want. to stop existing just for a little while #yknow? #not die but. just. Stop #stop feeling like shit all the time ig #ANYWAY #SORRY FOR THE VENTING SPREE #vent tag #rip

[crybaby-bkg]

Bakugou asks you to join him during one of his photoshoots for a pro hero campaign. he doesn’t understand the point of it, nor why he has to only be in his underwear, but he doesn’t mind it much when he gets to look over to your shy little face.

you’re propped up in a corner on an old couch, laptop perched in your lap, its glare bright despite the way you never really look at it. you’re supposed to be catching up on some work, but you’ve been distracted by the glorious sight that is the love of your life.

when he looks at you, do you duck down, eyes suddenly focused on your screen again. it only makes him smile a little, step away from the assistant of the photographer who comes up to him, calls out your name.

“Huh?” your head whips up with a quickness neither of you expect, goes to show just how invested you really were with your work. but Bakugou only grins at you now, jerking his chin over to you as he grabs the bottle of oil the assistant was trying to pour over him.

“C’mere and gimme a hand, won’t ya?” he asks you, boyish smile gracing his face as he tilts his head at you. immediately, your face warms as you put together the request that’s suddenly dropped in your lap. everyone in the studio looks at you, with both envious and excited gazes, and it only makes you shrink in on yourself.

“I hate you.” you mutter under your breath when you finally rise up from your place on the couch, which he somehow hears. but Bakugou only laughs at you, grabs you by the waist when you’re close enough to kiss you breathless in front of everybody, before he’s handing off the oil to you.

“Such an attention whore,” you whisper when you’re close, the air between the two of you thick. everyone tries to look away, give you guys a bit of privacy, but it’s hard when such a soft and amused look passes over the usually rough and hardened hero’s face.

“Only for your attention.” he grunts back to you, holding his arms out for you to start dripping the oil down his skin. it’s a sensual gesture, the softness between you two sliding into something more, something that you only ever reserve for the bedroom.

you tip the bottle over his shoulders until it drips down his chest, massaging it all in with your hands in crude, circular motions. you can see the way he bites his lip, ignore the way he looks at you down the bridge of his nose lest you two create a scene not meant for the public eye. you gather more oil, warm it between your palms, kneeling in front of him to help massage it into the defined muscles of his stomach.

you ignore the twitch in front of you, swallowing thickly, glancing up to Bakugou who hasn’t taken his eyes off of you yet. you mouth at him to behave, but he only grins, something feral.

“We only need it above the waistband.” the photographer suddenly calls out, snapping you back to attention. you stand on shaky knees, nodding with your eyes casted low, ashamed, that your freak of a man had you doing something so…so—

“Go wait in my dressing room, yeah?” Bakugou asks you, pulling you in close to peck at the corner of your mouth. “Gonna wrap this shit up.” he promises you, and you can only nod silently, mind going a mile a minute. but before you go, you remember to grab the oil. just in case.

#I hope this makes sense and sorry that it’s This. #I’m sleepy and having an allergic reaction and it’s HELL!!!!!!! #and I’m also coming on my cycle life just won’t stop beating my ass #on the other hand I really enjoyed my schoolwork this week which was a nice relief #I have a week left and I’m so happy bc I’ll finally have more time to write what I want again!!! #bakugou treats! 🍬 #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #also I’ve talked about model bkg before but I can never get enough of him I fear #him as a model or even just modeling in general does something to me #mr pretty face with such a terrible attitude and such a brat bc he wants only you for everything #I need him terribly so

[pallanophblargh]

Another desperate strike at the art block and a tribute of sorts: super rusty linocut to reinitiate me into the world of printmaking. It’s not as attuned to my working style as intaglio was, but this is fun, tactile, and enough of a departure from my way of thinking that is super welcome.

It’s nothing special and definitely technically lacking (over-inked block and such) but it’s something, which is a big deal lately. Also it’s my favorite species of fish and we all know Kuhli loaches deserve all the tributes we can give.

#printmaking #linocut #Kuhli loach #kinda sorta art #love the carving process even though this is only the easy carve block so it’s soft #I have some of the firmer stuff too for future works for better detail #wanna do a cecropia caterpillar #actually wanna do a bunch of little precious invertebrates #art is so hard these days I will take what I can get #I’ll figure it out i promise #this is redemption for the horrid woodcuts I did during my relief printmaking class #miss it so much

[skyloftian-nutcase]

I have too many WIPs good grief 😅

#Just looked at the healthcare au stuff and was like #Wow I haven’t written anything for this in a while #But also haven’t updated blood of the hero for a while #I usually just follow my muse because this is all for fun and stress relief but #Sometimes I feel bad because people follow me for certain stories and they’re not touched for ages #*cough cough breath of the Sky cough cough* #Man that story is hard #And it’s so annoying too because like #I used to love writing it #whatever I’m sure it’ll be fun again someday #Ooooo I just realized advent starts next week SWEET #I’ll be doing a hiatus for it again but in excited to start prepping for Christmas and getting my life a little more together #Ok I think I’ve rambled enough #Maybe I’ll write something Healthcare before my hiatus #random rambles

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Just listened to Bayo3’s Moonlight Serenade and it just hit me again how absolutely furious I am about this game. Waiting 5 years since the announcement and then 2 further years before I could finally play it just to be met by that was… I don’t even have words for it.

And the worst part is - I was having so much fun playing it! Sure, it wasn’t on the level of Bayo1 or Bayo2, but it was still a delight to play! I loved the new designs, I loved the new weapons, I loved the music, I loved the new flow of combat, I genuinely had such a great time! Alright, the writing wasn’t exceptional, but the idea of parallel universes was still fun to explore - and I’m not fond of the enemies’ design in general, but I had a blast fighting them once I figured them out, and I appreciate the fact that they tried to do something different once again (after fighting angels in Bayo1 and demons in Bayo2). I even loved Jeanne’s little spy levels!! They were so cool and charming and so much fun to play through!

And I liked Viola! The narrative really didn’t do her justice but she was still such an endearing character! Her fighting sections were different but still enjoyable, and I enjoyed everything about Cheshire, which made her levels even better.

And I just - to take all that potential, all that joy, and squander it so completely and maliciously right at the end was just… devastating to me. I know Bayonetta isn’t made for the girls and the gays, but that’s not even the point - I would’ve at least enjoyed a Cereza/Luka ending if it had been written properly! Instead they decided to assassinate the characters we all knew and loved, spit on all the established lore and themes of the previous games, stomp on all the newly introduced characters, and all to shoehorn in a fated-lovers narrative that doesn’t even work on its own, without taking into account everything that contradicts it in the previous instalments.

And as if that’s not enough, they forced it into the most depressing, most nonsensical, most malicious finale I have ever witnessed. Why are you punishing me for winning the fights? Where is the reward for getting to the end? I was waiting at the edge of my seat for the entire game to see how Cereza would turn the situation around, how she’d overcome the impossible odds and come out dancing on her enemies, and instead they told me no, she saves almost no-one, she dies a pointless death she could’ve easily avoided so we can get a) the stupidest romance ever seen and b) a new protagonist that we spent no time developing, and nothing you did in this game had any meaning at all, fuck you.

Sorry for the rant, but I’m just… I’m so disappointed. I really really wanted to like this game and instead the finale ruined the whole experience for me. I literally sat in silence as the final scene and credits rolled out because I just couldn’t fathom what I was watching. How do you take such a great cast of beloved characters and decide that this is what you want to do with them? With a 5-year development time, no less? They deserved better, Cereza especially deserved better, and we all deserved so much better.

#I’m sorry but I just. i can’t deal #like. this is bayonetta!!! her whole thing is that she gets into impossible situations and comes out on top with a smile on her face!! #she literally fought GODS in the first two games and WON!!! #I’d understand if they didn’t want to make any more games. I’d get it! I’d even appreciate it! #but give her a proper conclusion instead of… whatever this was #they literally scrapped everything that made her work as a character #wrote the hollowest personality imaginable #and slapped it into cereza’s walking corpse #and did the same for jeanne and luka #where are my competent confident witches? where’s my silly comic relief boy with a lot of heart and even more luck?? #when jeanne and the bayos reappeared during the final fight I remember being like ‘oh there we go! they werent really gone!’ #‘this is when the narrative turns around finally!’ #but NO #they were just ghosts and bayo gets obliterated by gomorrah instead. #i just… why. just why. don’t make the game if you hate everything about it just saying #idk if theres an anti-bayo3 tag #if there is lmk and i’ll add it #i dont want to spread any hate but I’m just so disappointed still

[mildmayfoxe]

☻ ok ok ok ☻

#id in alt #thinking about this print today! it is one of my faves #it’s rainy here so i wanted to share something bright #there’s only two of these left so if u want one… get it #art tag #shop tag #linocut #block print #printmaking #if i sell out on these i’ll finally reprint them nicer bc i FINALLY have retarder. i would love to also print it bigger but i need new paper #relief print #lino print #blockprinting

[babyfairy]

i need more friends

#i hate being alone with my thoughts. i am so sick of it #i feel like i’ll go fucking insane if i have to continue on like this #i don’t even want to invite anyone new into my life because i am so terrified of loss but feeling this isolated and alone is #going to be the end of me if it goes unaddressed #like it can’t continue. waking up every single day feels like a punishment #and life around me just continues like normal. like nothing is wrong #i want to die and i still have to work. my family is destroyed but people are around me laughing and joking #how do i stop being consumed by this misery i don’t understand it. and i don’t want to guilt anyone into checking on me or feeling bad for #me. i just want to stop being in so much pain all the time every single day #there is no relief literally ever. it just continues to progress and get worse #literally i look up ways to *** every single day dude and i just have to like. live that way #feels like a cruel joke to me idk. laugh out loud #anyway if you read all this thanks for caring

[unicornofgt]

alright, i have come to the decision i am keeping this blog up as an archive and leaving the gt tumblr community for the foreseeable future.

when i made my post about chamomile-g-tea’s damaging treatment of my story, gtms, my goal was to acknowledge the situation so i could hopefully move forward and restore gtms/my blog as mine again, without her influence. and while i anticipated backlash, some of the responses were just...downright disturbing. lots of comments echoed a victim-blaming sentiment that i am responsible for the emotional and creative damage done to me by another person because ‘why didn’t you just say no or tell her to stop?’ not only does this ignore the several attempts i did make to express discomfort and set boundaries—which were not respected—but even if i didn’t manage to express a ‘no’, that doesn’t make what happened ok; it doesn’t erase the year of crippling pressure and guilt i lived with and still struggle to shake daily. realizing that so many people in this community think otherwise is just...disturbing. it’s disturbing. that’s the only word i can think to use.

the response to all this does not make me feel safe being here—that’s what this situation has unfortunately showed me: that the audience i hoped to allow to view my reclaiming process would also contain the same crowd who make me feel so unsafe—and why the fuck would i let those people see something as personal as that? why would i let them see anything? it’s made me understand i can’t continue to heal myself and my writing if i am posting it for other people, especially harmful people. and even though it turned out this way, i’m glad i gave it a shot; that i made that post as an effort to see if it was even possible or worth it to restore this space—even if the answer was no! absolutely fucking not!—because it saved me from even more time spent sharing my work with people who do not respect me as a person or a creator. i’m glad i tried, however much it sucked, because it allowed me to understand: it is not just one person in this community i feel unsafe with, but a solid percentage of the community at large that i just cannot healthily engage with, and no amount of blocking will fix that.

but of course this is not the only situation that showed me this community’s true colors—the dismissive or outright aggressive response to the calling out of racism in our tropes has also been deeply disturbing. to clarify, there is no problem in identifying with and finding comfort or catharsis in problematic tropes such as the pet trope, but there is a problem with using that comfort to make others feel unsafe and speak over people of color. and the solution to this trope problem is very simple—generally apply critical thinking skills to the media you enjoy, and tag your shit properly (dead dove, particularly when the giant owner/abuser doesn’t face consequences and/or if the abused/abuser fall in ‘love’—dead dove is not actually currently used in this community, that’s the problem). but rather than taking this as an opportunity to listen and improve, it was instead used as a chance to lash out at and make clear that poc are not welcome in this community and come secondary to the feelings of white creators and readers.

over the last few years, this community has fostered and been exposed for bigotry such as terfs, ableists, racists, etc, and especially in the current political era, this is no longer a community i want to share my work with or even just lurk in. and i know on the surface this community seems progressive, but take a better look and you’ll find members of the community doing and saying…questionable things, or keeping quiet and enabling their friends who do and say questionable things because they would rather be passive and polite than be genuinely kind and compassionate through active accountability.

of course this is the risk you take interacting with any person ever—but it’s especially taxing to look around at such a small, close knit community you know is riddled with these problems and wonder if the people making innocent posts are actually harmful; if they prioritize their comfort over the safety of marginalized people, if they even see you as a full person, and for me, personally—if they are willing to overlook consent to blame you for your trauma and defend the person who inflicted it. it’s taxing to explain basic basic concepts to strangers over and over in a place that prides itself on being a safe space, where people just have fun and mentally escape from irl hardships. it’s taxing to ride out shitty, hateful treatment when you are just simply one person (voluntarily providing free services btw) with only so much energy and fucks to give. it is not worth the strain it puts on you as a person, nor is it your responsibility to sit there and accept it, and i am not the only creator in this community who feels this way. we are fucking tired.

quite simply, this is not a community i feel comfortable participating in or sharing anything with. and that’s a shame, because there are wonderful, creative and caring people here who i have enjoyed sharing this space with, and maybe someday i’ll give this community another chance, but currently it’s just not worth the time of day. and i want to make it clear: my leaving is not simply because of just one person or just one situation—that i could handle—it is the community itself that is the root problem; that continues to be harmful, in multiple contexts—that is the reason why i and several other creators are leaving for greener pastures and more enjoyable communities—or just simply for a fucking moment’s worth of peace, because lord knows you won’t find it here.

#i considered making this post just ‘yea i feel unsafe here i’m leaving’ #but i did want to post a clear explanation for mutuals still here n the ppl who come across my blog in the future #instead of leaving it to speculation and guess work #so i wrote a fucking essay lmao #but there are more personal details i didn’t go into bc they’re distressing and some of y’all are straight awful<3 #however i will say you are not inside anyone else’s head if they say they feel unsafe it is not for you to question that #anyways privileges to myself and my writing are officially revoked #when i’m ready to share writing it’ll be with close friends in private #and maybe eventually on another site like ao3 but if that happens it won’t be for a while #and if i do post gtms there it will prolly be v different from the version here bc it’ll be the restored and improved version #i hate the version on this site<3 #for now i just need to get back into the swing of things bc rn it is. so hard to Think at all #i’ll also be doing things on my fandom account i am just leaving this community bc good lord #if you told me a month ago i’d be leaving this community i’d have been devastated but now? #having seen sm of this community’s true colors one after another? #i don’t give a fuck now #the only thing i feel is relief #the community i thought i was apart of does not exist and it made me physically sick to realize and experience that reality #for all its problems i did not think so MUCH of the gt community was this vile #i’ve run this blog for years and closing this chapter just brings me closure and peace #and to those of y’all who are alright n still here: good fucken luck lmfao wish y’all the best dealing w this shitshow #gt community #giant/tiny #gt #g/t #sfw g/t #gtms #gt mech suits

[scoopsgf]

OKAY RECKLESS ABANDON IS OFFICIALLY NO LONGER A WIP!!! FINISHED!!!

#reckless abandon tag #also yes i had to use the calculator app to get the word count total #everything is in separate docs rn so. whoops #anyway I can’t believe it’s done #well. the later chapters still need heavy edits but the drafts are complete #ugh what a relief #literally crying wait i already miss it #no it’s okay there’ll be sequels #ANYWAY! YAY! #cannot believe this took me all fucking year #I’ve literally been working on it since JANUARY #ten months… embarrassing… #to be fair i didn’t even touch it in the summer so #i started it when I was at my absolute lowest mentally and now here i am #it’s been with me thru all my ups and downs… fuckejfnfnfn #anyway if i think about that too much i’ll get emotional

[mattodore]

medication secured so we're sparkling on

#river dipping #basically was told i can take this forever if i need to which is such a relief!!!!!!!!!!! #i’m so excited to not be in pain anymore we’re jumping and clapping #also x-rays are so fast now i swear i remember them taking ages when i was younger #i’m a little bit 😵‍💫 bc i went for one thing that my doctor was kinda like oh that's nothing here are some meds abt #and instead she was way more focused on this other problem i’ve been having for well over a year #which is what the x-rays were for #and then i have to call rheumatology too 🚶 #i’m abt to head home so 🤸 #into the mattodore screenshot folder i go #when i get my medication in a few hours i’ll go thru my activity feed and reply to some things and get to my dms #and then it's theo bday edit time 😋

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[kiingbiing]

-

#talks #kind of rambling #but I remember when I was young that getting married looked so good #but then I started to put myself in those shoes and being in the spot with everyone looking at me started to fill me with fear #so I put off the idea of being married when I was young #it’s a concept that I thought I had to get over #when I learned that you could sign a paper to get married #the whole wedding idea died in my heart and I never felt such a heavy relief #weddings are cute in my eyes but I will never have one of my own ever #those things suck #a reception however… we’re getting blasted #my friends know I hate weddings haha #they demanded a reception and I agreed #a little party get together and were dressed up nicely getting drunk #now that my dream #there’s nothing going on in my life nor am I getting married LOL #just had to write these down #hope someone can somewhat relate to this #the fact my dad knows I’ll never have a wedding always makes me laugh #thank god the expectation isn’t there #ramble #:P

[pepprs]

anyways. i hit tag limit and now im going to go to bed late bc i have to clean the whole kitchen. but the last 48 hours have just been so emotionally intense and exhausting and painful. i relived july 5-29 2022 in 48 hours. and it was better than that ofc bc i wasn’t uhmmmm shut down and unable to express my feelings 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but it was still horrible and the worst is over but im still in so much emotional / mental pain rn and it’s gonna take a while to recover from that and i don’t have the emotional resources i need to do so obviously. yayyyyy 🥳

#purrs #delete later #the MMMMMORTIFYING. MORTIFYING. ordeal. of romy leaving the way she did. and never being able to recover from that so the wound has festered #only for someone else i love and cherish and depend on to leave. LIKE IFS INSANE TO ME. it is so crazymaking. i can’t withstand the pain of #it. but OF COURSE i can like they’re not d*ad or anything god forbid a million times they’re just moving on. but im just taking it so hard. #in ways that are so… unhealthy and abnormal and hard to carry and hard to live through. and again living in fear that it will happen one #more time and i’ll be truly alone then. but then it’s like silly tess pepprs you already WERE alone! because nobody can meet the four needs #except for you… or like a significant other if you could get around your psychic block 🥰 but yeah. i am not functioning well and i #don’t know how to get the relief and healing i need because it’s a process etc etc. i just wish this wasn’t happening. i feel so wounded and #bruised and horrible rn. like my heart physically hurts… ermmmmm 😳‼️ #also im namedropping at this point idec. i feel bad about it and i shouldn’t but imgonna give myself and my future self this one today LOL

[keii]

Watched Dungeons & Dragons yesterday and what a fun movie??? I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would?? Also… Xenk… 😳 hello… Also the amount of people that bought MULTIPLE OF THOSE LIMITED D20 BUCKETS… those were at least $30 each, but they were pretty cool but damn saw someone w 10🧍

Anyway we didn’t get out until midnight and as we were walking back to the car, I realized my lil kuchipatchi plush I had hanging off my bag went missing!!! So hun ran back into the theater to look for it and found it under my seat!!! So glad he found it before the cleaning crew. Like if someone else saw it I’m sure they would’ve picked it up and kept it to themselves… or maybe they would’ve been like “wtf is this.” And throw it away AHHHHHH 😭❤️ My hero…

#ok it’s not rare but other listings of it were insanely expensive when I was first looking for this?? #so to get it for $7… lucky #that blurry ass pic is so damn funny tho the insta relief I felt HAHA #I’ll never let you out of my sight again!!! #x #shrekeii

[patahoe]

I’m kinda bored might run into traffic to feel something

#way to often do i imagine myself getting hit by a car #the only reason I still look both ways before crossing the street #is so they driver doesn’t feel any grief for hitting another person #even if I feel a sense of relief as my bones crush #as pain wrap around my body like my childhood blanket #I’ll feel the comfort of death nearing me #as the sirens come closer yet sound far #too far to do anything #but the driver shouldn’t feel grief #all I wanted was to feel #pain seems like the only option #when everything else is out of reach

[mildmayfoxe]

ding dong hello it’s me at the door, it’s patreon reward time! 👯 this month we’ve got a nice wiggle arm, a cool flower coaster (!!), and a mini print for EVERYBODY on every tier because it was the two year anniversary at the end of october 🥳 get in on this by tomorrow night (nov 30) to get some mail from me!! 💌💌

#posting this at an absolutely awful time lmfao #if i get my shit together i’ll also send everybody a year in retrospective zine like i did last year but that’s looking increasingly #less likely #patreon tag #blockprinting #block print #linocut #relief print #printmaking #art tag #ftr the mini print won’t be offered at all in the store & it’s doubtful m/any of the pink arms will go in bc i didn’t print many #and if i reprint them it’ll probably be black bc the pink sucks to use #SO…… u could get some exclusives !!