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aysegust · 9 days

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I HAVE NO HEART. (NI WEH SESH) -K.B

Pairings: (Kaz Brekker x heartrender!reader)

A/N: Hello beautiful people! This fiction is based off clearly the season two, episode six from the Shadow & Bone series. There are some exact quotes from the episode because for the plot of the storyline. As a reminder, I don’t own Y/N and other characters and all rights go to beautiful Leigh Bardugo… I just love the write fanfics! Anyways, this is the only way I would write touching scenes with Kaz. And I loved watching that episode, it was amazing. The way the actors played very well… And I thought why wouldn’t Y/N be in it? Hope you enjoy it! Have a nice reading!

Word Count: 4.540

Warnings: Violence, poison, and no hates to Zoya, I love her but in the story, it is a bit different.

“There is something in the air!” Tolya said it with a haze of a worry. As all of you looked at the ceiling, you saw a red powder spreading across the room. “This is how we die?” Jesper exclaimed anxiously.

Suddenly a strong cough filled your throat. Your lungs were filling with the poisonous powder, when you turned your head to your side, you saw Jesper as he blacked out and collapsed into the floor. As you backed away, still coughing like the others, you leaned on the ground and put your hands on your heart.

As Tolya and you shared a glance, both of you were stabilizing your heartbeats. You glanced to Inej as she passed out and a loud thump came out from Kaz, as you looked at him he fell on the floor harshly. You feared that this moment might be all of your death.

The Slat was quiet unusually. You scoot over from Nina’s side and sit down on the high chair. You were eating some breakfast, as you felt growling inside your empty stomach.

While you were eating, two person came inside to the Slat. As you looked at them, the man had a strong physique and wore off-shoulder leather coat. He looked mighty. As you turned to the girl he was with, she looked oddly familiar. Had dark brown eyes match with her dark brown hairs. Her expressions were cold and still. While the guy looked rather cheerful. He was a Shu also. Then as you examined the girl further you realized it was Zoya. Zoya Nazyalensky.

As they beelined to the Kaz’s office, you exchanged a look with Nina. “Why is Zoya doing in here?” She asked confused. “I have no idea.” You looked confused too, but you waited patiently for Kaz to come to the table you and Nina sat.

After several minutes, Kaz walked downstairs following with Zoya and that Shu guy. As they walked to the table you two were sitting, Kaz informed briefly why they were here. The Shu man, introduced himself as you learned his name was Tolya, he explained further about why they wanted your assistance on this plan.

As you listened patiently, Nina spat in disbelief. “The Neshyenyer? Sankta Neyar's blade?” Zoya looked at her reproachful. “So, you haven't forgotten what you were taught at the Little Palace.” She said teasingly. “Just your loyalty to Ravka.“ She turned to her glances to you too while she was talking with Nina.

You haven’t bothered to answer her as Nina jumped in. “Ravka? Or Kirigan? It didn't take him destroying a city for me to question my loyalty.“ She said a little louder.

As Jesper intervened to ask the payment, Tolya answered and Zoya explained further for Nina’s questions.

After Kaz finished the conversation with an agreement, you looked at Kaz briefly then turned your attention back to Zoya while she eyed you with a straight expression.

That was it, a new business, going to help the sun summoner to destroying the fold, in return got a paycheck of thousands of kruges. You went to your own room and packed a small bag for your tools. As Kaz secured your passports, you went to meet them outside the Slat.

It was going to be an extremely dangerous quest. A difficult one, you were feeling it.

Before all of this happened, you were a heartrender, learning to control your abilities and studying small science in Little Palace. As soon as you were studying and under commands of General Kirigan, you realized that this place is degenerated.

You were friends with Nina, back then. As you two were both heartrenders, she was like a big sister for you. She supported you through everything you dealt about the Little Palace.

One day, you decided to tell her your plans. You were going to escape the Palace, you relied on Nina so much that you were so sure about that she wasn’t going to turn you in, as you went to her, you realized she was also making her escape plan too.

You two escaped the palace but unfortunately you grew apart as you found yourself in Ketterdam your dock sailed in. As that time, you and Kaz’s paths crossed. He found who you were and what was your abilities, then he offered you a salaried position. Because you were useful. Also, you needed money so you agreed his offer and worked for him.

After everything happened and your way’s crossed again with Nina, you were more than happy to see a friend.

As all of you finally docked in Shu Han, you looked at the crowd. The place looked beautiful. The crowd wore nice and unique clothes, the bazaar looked lively and relaxed, you turned to your head to Tolya as he lowered onto his knees, there was a thin candle in his hand as he looked at the statue decored with flowers and fruits. He was speaking in Shu language as you watched him.

You were standing next to Kaz and Wylan. Watching the scene as Inej lowered to her knees next to him, praying to herself. While Zoya and Nina did the same. As they began to speak to each other, you gazed through the colored fibers. It was too noise-full and the crowd looked messy.

Then Tolya got up and walked to where you all stood. There were flutes playing through. “Just so you know, it's bad luck not to honor the dead during Suntsa Sar.” He said it as he was eating walnuts and turned his gaze to the statue. Kaz side eyed the man as he was standing and looked pissed. Jesper scoffed and looked at Tolya.

“If I believed in luck, I'd be in less debt.“ Jesper said and you turned your gaze to Tolya. Kaz turned his face to his side and looked at Tolya coldy. He then said, “And I’m more concerned with the living.” You smirked to yourself hearing Kaz’s words. Always has a remark, you thought to yourself.

After Kaz said the tea shop should be open by now, he reviewed the plan one more time. Inside of your mind, deeply, you wanted to take Nina’s role. Pretending to be Kaz’s wife, for a brief selfish moment you wanted to feel it.

He wasn’t sentimental, how could he? If you are living in the Barrel you can’t have those ‘weak sentiments’ Kaz said always. It was a cruel joke to you, because you loved that man.

Over the time as your acquaintanceship bloomed into a friendship, you caught feelings for the very man who deprived himself from it. Despite he was denying the little feelings he has, you heard his heart.

After you two become friends, it wasn’t confirmed by him but it was there, you understood it, you subconsciously let yourself hear his heartbeat. It was impossible to not hear it. Whenever you met his dark eyes, you felt the heartbeats of his paced faster.

Or whenever he was in his office, writing things on papers or reading some books and planning heists, listening his heartbeat calmed your heart too.

But there were ups and downs. Whenever someone mentioned Pekka Rollins’s name or the nightmares he was having, you were the only one who knew about it, you heard his heartbeat got extremely fast which was worried you so much.

You wanted to help him, at those moments when you were near to him, those anxious feelings eased after seconds. He knew it was your doing. He never confronted you about it but sometimes it really did help him. You two never talked about any of this but Kaz was in fact, grateful.

They say the eyes are the mirror of the heart, maybe Kaz hid his true views by training himself but his heart was never hiding himself to you.

But most of the time, he hated it. How you can able to hear his heartbeat, his pulse, it was giving him away to you, he wanted to keep the disguise. Because disguise is always a self portrait.

Nina was pretending to be his wife, Inej was on the roofs for following Ohval and you were left to stuck with Zoya.

After what happened in that tea shop, all of you sat into a place and talked about what happened. Kaz explained about how Ohval was the Disciple and Nina said how she was able to control her own heartbeat. Kaz explained further.

Then Kaz began to explain the plan. He glanced at Nina briefly. “While she's out of the house, Nina will tail her to make sure she stays out of the house.“ Then she looked at you for a moment. “The rest of us will grab the blade. “ He said.

Zoya intervened in quickly and looked at Kaz with an annoyed expression. “You don't seriously expect me to break into this woman's house.“ Jesper looked at her unbelievably then he joined the conversation. Uh, why do you think we're here?“ He said it confusedly.

Zoya looked at Jesper, “I'm a soldier, not a thief. Why else would I need you criminals?” She said it with an arrogance in her face visible.

You looked at her as you rolled your eyes. “Well, sorry to disappoint you Zoya but there is not much of a difference between them than you think.” You looked at her with coldness as Nina chuckled to ease the tension. “Says the girl who ran away from her country.” Zoya said as you were about to reply back to her, Zoya turned to Kaz. “I’ll go with Nina.”

Nina coughed while she was eating some walnuts. “Are you sure you don’t need me?” She said to Kaz. “I mean, Zoya can tail Ohval.” You watched Nina as you grinned. Kaz was done with the silly arguments you two had with Zoya. “Nina and Zoya will wait for Ohval at the apothecary. Follow her. If she starts heading home, buy us some time. Distract her.” With that Kaz put an end into that conversation, again.

Now it was the time for the plan. You and the others walked to the outside of Ohval’s house. The building looked very much traditional, as you were thinking like that, Tolya voiced your thought. You looked briefly at Kaz. You were wondering what he was thinking.

As Jesper approached to Wylan’s side, you heard a faint heartbeat. Tolya must’ve heard it too, he and you shared a glance. He said there was a faint heartbeat and you agreed.

When the doors opened you, Kaz, Inej, Tolya and Jesper entered inside whilst Wylan was standing outside for all of you. As you heard a click sound, you turned to your back and look at the door.

Inej and Tolya both tried to open the door with their hands after it was no use, they kicked the door and it was useless. You heard a groan from them. Then as Inej tried to stabbed the wallpaper but it was no use, it was impenetrable and then you looked at Kaz. “Kaz what do we do?” You whispered to him.

Kaz, as he clanged his cane into the door he looked at you then Jesper. “The frames are made of metal.” As he said it Jesper looked relieved for a moment. “They are Durast made.”

As you heard another click sound, “There is something in the air!” Tolya said it with a haze of a worry.

You tried, you tried too hard to stay awake. You were yelling Wylan’s name but it was no use, it felt like your voice sounded mere whisper. You looked at Tolya which he tried to also yell for Wylan.

Then as you turned your glance towards Kaz and saw him laying there unconsciously, your vision got blurred and the next thing you felt the dizziness and the pain in your head.

You found yourself back in the Crow Club. You looked around… it was empty. There were no heartbeats you could feel. A slight worry took you over as you hurriedly walked to Kaz’s office.

You opened it without knocking. When you entered the inside of his office, there was only a dim light, lightening his desk.

“Hello, Y/N.” You heard Kaz’s crooked voice. How could that be possible? You haven’t heard his heartbeat and you still couldn’t. “Kaz?” You looked at him as your eyebrows furrowed. He was wearing a white shirt, very unusual for him.. He would only wear black outfits. He looked too angelic to be true, as you drank his appearance.

His faint skin looked brighter as he wore white shirt, his hair disheveled and his gloves… As he approached to your side, he was slowly getting rid of his gloves. “What are you doing?” You whispered worriedly. You knew he had an aversion to touch and you felt anxious as he was taking his gloves off.

“Can I?” He was asking for your consent to touch you, as his hand raised to side of your cheek, you didn’t understand what was happening but before your mind could protest, the feelings inside of you thought different. “Yes.” You found yourself saying.

Kaz’s hand slowly caressed your cheek and you closed your eyes for a brief moment. It was so strange yet so familiar to you, feeling his touch, it was a feeling that you wanted to bottle and drink away.

Then you opened your eyes and looked at him. His gaze never left yours as you looked at him. “I… want you, Y/N.” As your bodies pressed together, you looked at him with tears forming in your eyes.

“Kaz…” You whispered softly. “I, I-“ You felt shattered as his nose touched with yours. You closed your eyes and felt your lips be touched by his. It blossomed flowers inside your chest as you felt the foreign feeling. It was new but something happened through the haze of love, you coughed.

You looked at him as your eyebrows crossed in a confused glance. “You are not Kaz.” You said as you looked at your environment. This place wasn’t his office anymore, suddenly you found yourself in Little Palace, in Kirigan’s room. “How’s my little heartrender doing?” Kirigan said it smoothly as he looked at you devilishly. “What is happening?” You sounded afraid.

He then approached to your side. “Did you miss me, Y/N?” He smirked. Then he grabbed your hand. “Let go of me!” You resisted but it was no use, he was strong and you became that girl. That little girl who was yanked away from their family and trapped in Kirigan’s arms. “You cannot escape from me, Y/N, you know it.”

You tried to yank your hand away from him. To use your heartrender abilities to get him down but it was no use. “Maybe, you want this huh?” He looked at you as feelings of betrayal crossed his eyes. Then he let go of you and pulled his hand in the air as Kaz appeared in the door. “I’m going to destroy him!” Kirigan said.

“No!” You yelled as the time you put your hands up and waved it in the air, Kirigan’s shadow cut already killed Kaz, you were late.

“Y/N!”

You heard a voice.

“Y/N! Come on, wake up!”

Inej was the first one to wake up from the nightmare of the poison, she could able to reach Wylan and as Wylan could explode a small hole in the wall, he gave Inej butterflies.

Inej, as she ate the butterfly as Wylan said it, she felt disgusted. Nearly she was going to throw up however after a few seconds, she felt better. “Wylan..” She whimpered. “We need four more.” She said it in pain.

Inej put the butterfly in Tolya’s mouth as she forcefully made him chew the butterfly. As Tolya woke up with a disgusting taste in his mouth, Inej went to Wylan’s side and took one more butterfly from him.

Then she gave it to Tolya. “Tolya, Jesper. Put it in his mouth.” As Inej said it, she went away and took one more butterfly from Wylan’s hand.

She hurriedly scoot over the Y/N’s side and opened her mouth with her hand. “Come on, Y/N, eat.” As she forcefully tried to made her eat the butterfly, “Y/N, Come on, wake up!” Inej yelled and tears formed in her eyes, after several seconds, you woke up and met Inej’s face. “Inej?” You looked at her confused and you turned your gaze to the room.

You weren’t there inside the Little Palace, it was the poison. Then Inej got up from your side and took the last butterfly and approached to the Kaz’s side, as your eyes followed Inej, she forcefully tried to put the butterfly into Kaz’s mouth, but it was no use.

Something was keeping him from there and he was too tense to eat the butterfly. You looked at Kaz as tears brimmed in your eyes, you closed your eyes for a second as you remembered the cut, you opened and rushed to Inej. “Let me try,” You said desperately.

When Inej gave you the butterfly, you looked at Kaz’s closed eyes. “Don’t leave me, please.” You whispered to yourself. You opened Kaz’s mouth and tried to make him eat the butterfly, it was hard and he was struggling to eat it. “Kaz, Come on!” Your voice was dangerously loud as a tears dropped from your eyes. “I’m not gonna lose you, not today!”

You yelled to him as you tried to make him eat the butterfly.

“Who are you without your vengeance?” Jordie screamed at Kaz as his face looked too pale and there were inflammation marks all over Jordie’s face. “What is the worth of life if you have no one left to fight for?” Jordie said it with sadness, after completing his sentence the anger inside of him came back and his eyes light up with fire.

He drowned Kaz into the water again and Kaz’s felt the utter pain inside his body all over again. The feeling of his lungs feeling with water, utterly panicked him.

Then he heard a voice. It was not Jordie’s. Muffled but not his. It was a girl voice. “Kaz, come on!” She yelled, then as the hands pulled him back, he looked at the very face of Y/N.

The way her eyes looked too worried for him, the way her touch calmed his heart and as the way she pulled him, he looked so relieved to see her.

“Kaz, I’m so sorry,” She said as Kaz’s eyes opened. For a moment, Kaz didn’t feel Y/N’s touch on his face as his eyes met with hers, a sincere relief could be seen by anyone.

But Kaz remembered. The feeling of wet dead bodies flashed into his mind and suddenly he struggled under Y/N’s touch, Y/N hurriedly backed away from him and closed her eyes.

“Is anyone alive?” You heard Wylan’s worried voice. After Tolya and Inej briefly talked, you got up and avoided to look at Kaz. His back was turned from all of you. You got up slowly and looked at Inej. “Did anyone else get lulled into a comforting sense of joy?” Jesper said as his voice cracked, his eyes got teary.

“I didn’t see anything.” Kaz said it coldly as you looked at him. He breathed heavily then Inej briefly glanced at him. “Neither did I.” You didn’t comment on what you saw, you just dodged the question.

“Alright, what’s the plan?” Tolya said.

After Kaz came up with a plan, Ohval walked in and all of you laid down and pretend to be unconscious. She opened the door and looked at all of you. Inej, was on the ceiling and she landed silently. While she was about to pull her knife, Ohval kicked her to the backyard.

Inej got up and pulled her knives. She threw them into Ohval but as Ohval put her hand up, she pushed the knives to the ground. Inej looked at Ohval with a terrified look.

Then all of you got up from the ground. Tolya, Jesper and you hurriedly ran to the backyard as Kaz went inside of the house. Inej threw several knives into Ohval but she was too quick to dodge Inej’s knives.

As Tolya, you and Jesper went to Inej’s side, Jesper and Tolya raised his gun to Ohval, you put your hands up waiting.

Ohval threw Tolya’s gun only a movement of her hand, then she looked at Jesper and warped Jesper’s guns.

When you saw what happened, you curled your hands and showed it to Ohval. Trying to slower her heartbeat into a dangerous rhythm. Tolya also raised his hands to join you but Ohval raised her hands and pulled all the knives in Inej’s waistcoat. She turned the weapons into your way.

It was too quick.

Tolya grunts, all of you dodged the knives. “Seriously offside.” Jesper said as he was very pissed about Ohval’s movements. She threw her hair accessory to Jesper’s neck as she tried to chock him with it. Tolya approached to Ohval’s side and he pulled a punch towards her but she defended herself too quickly. She punched Tolya’s arm while Inej also did a counter on Ohval. Ohval pulled away from Inej’s fist and turned to both of them.

As both Tolya and Inej tried to takedown Ohval, Jesper was still trying to not choke. You raised your hands quickly and curled it to target Ohval. As you were trying to air out of her lungs, she quickly punched both of them to the ground and raised her hands to you.

The next minute you knew, you were choking from loss of air, inside of your lungs. Your vision got blurry, Tolya and Inej looked at you briefly then they attacked Ohval again. As you felt ease, you breathe again. It was deep and, you were hurting.

But she was too strong. She kicked Tolya down and Inej threw her kick into hers but Ohval took her leg and threw her to the wall. You got up and tried to punch Ohval but she quickly dodged the punch and kicked you to the ground.

Inej took her knife as Ohval took one of hers. She tried to stab Inej but, Inej was able to dodge them. As she fought back to Ohval, it was no use. Ohval took her down and tried to stab the knife into Inej’s chest. She was resisting but she couldn’t hold it forever.

Tolya got up slowly as he begged for Inej’s life.

Then suddenly there was an explosion.

Zoya, Wylan and Nina came in just in time. Zoya curled her hands up and hit it Ohval with it. Ohval fell on the ground as all of you got up and and looked at Ohval.

You and Nina were giving Ohval a hard time. You two were trying to stop her heartbeat. But she was powerful, as she moved her hands to the side, all of you chocked.

Zoya gasped and all of you fell down with a movement of Ohval. “This is taking longer than I’d like… Perhaps, we end it.” Ohval said with a harshness in her voice. As she curled her hands, you felt your heart quickened. Your organs were hurting and your vision got blurry. You can only feel the pain and fear. You tried to resist it but she was too powerful.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” Ohval said with a smirk. “The amount of trace metal there is in the body. Iron, for instance in the blood.”

As she was killing all of you, the sound of an old man came into the backyard. Ohval put her hands down as she released all of you.

You slowly got up from the ground, you saw Kaz. You felt shocked as you heard from Kaz that the Disciple was the man, not her.

Kaz smirked as he looked at Ohval. When the man in chair revealed he stole the Neshyenyer for her and that it belonged to her in the first place, Jesper stepped in. “I’m sorry did you say she made it?” he said.

As the older man got off from the chair and approached to her, he was telling about how she made it. Then Tolya smiled and completed his words.

He chuckled softly. “And it was named Neshyenyer, ‘Relentless.’” He then fell into his knees. “We are honored to be in your presence, Sankta Neyar.” He said as all of you, expect Kaz, fell into your knees for her. “Sankta Neyar?” Inej said surprisingly.

After Jesper took the blade from Sankta Neyar’s house, all of you walked off from her house. It was early hours of morning as the sun appeared in the sky, you took a fresh air into your lungs.

As Jesper was with Wylan, he was kissing him. While Nina, Zoya and Tolya walked away from the house. You, Inej and Kaz walked away too. As you squeezed gently Inej’s arm, Kaz looked at both of you.

Inej then turned her head to Kaz. She smiled softly and looked at you. “I’m gonna check in Jesper.” She squeezed your hand and walked away from the two of you.

You and Kaz walked silently as Inej left your side. After a minute of silence, Kaz broke it. “You never told, what you saw.” You looked at him in a shocked expression. You didn’t expect him to remember it.

“You didn’t see anything, maybe I didn’t see too.” You answered it as you tried to brush it off. But then Kaz stopped in his tracks and turned his body to you. “Maybe I did see something, through the haze of poison.” He admitted as when you hear his heartbeat, it got quicken. You looked at him deeply.

“There are those who drown us, and those who pull us out.” He looked at you deeply as he said these words. You felt blush crept into your cheeks as you watched him. For a brief moment you closed your eyes. “Maybe I did see something too.” You revealed weakly.

He looked at you with a visible concern in his face. “What did your toxin trip reveal to you?” He said it curiously. You then opened your eyes and felt tears in your eyes. Kaz’s eyebrows furrowed and you smiled softly. “My reason to live and my biggest nightmare. All in the same place.”

The reason you live because of Kaz.

The biggest nightmare was Kaz’s death.

Kaz looked at you, for a brief moment his eyes soften because of the tears in your eyes. “But it doesn’t matter, now, we are alive.” You said softly and turned your body and looked at the sky. Kaz, watched your face as you looked at the sky.

He saw living saints but none of them mattered to him. The only saint he believed in was standing next to him. The only one to be there for him through his nightmares and everything.

He would become a better man for her. He would be a better man, for her.

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seidenbros · 2 months

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Let's Hide Under the Covers

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey Summary: “I can’t look at myself without seeing my father,” Wylan said with a sigh, his eyes fixed on Jesper’s chest again, until Jesper tilted his head up again so they could look at each other. “You look nothing like him.” Jesper raised his other hand as well to frame Wylan’s face and kiss the tip of his nose. or Wylan gets kicked out by his father after finding out that he is homosexual. Jesper and Kaz take him in, but Wylan struggles with looking at his own reflection, always seeing his own father there. So, a bit of change needs to happen. Word count: 3.580 Warning/Tags: angst with a happy ending, emotional abuse, Jan van Eck is the scum of the earth, established Wesper, mentioned homophobia, mentla breakdown, love confession A/N: Inspired by one of shog_draws (Instagram) drawings. This turned out a whole lot angstier than I wanted it to be, but ey, just go with the flow, right? No beta as usual, I hope you like it 💚 Read on AO3

He knew the face that was staring back at him when he looked into the mirror, had known it all his life, but ever since being kicked out, Wylan always saw his father when he looked at himself, and it tore him apart. He actually looked a lot more like his mother, but lately, he saw the man who loathed him that much more and more. The shape of his eyes, the freckled cheeks, even his hair. It was delusional, Jesper had told him multiple times that he looked nothing like his father, and he should know since he’d spent a lot of time looking at Wylan’s stupid face.

They’d met at university, but not because they were in the same courses or because they had the same friends, it was rather by accident. Wylan was studying music, because he wasn’t good at anything else - his father’s words of course. In fact, he was happy that he got this opportunity, to do something he loved, something he really burnt for. Being as good as he was, he got a few privileges, and maybe, it also had a bit to do with his father’s money, who’d donated to the university time and time again. So, Wylan got to practise piano in the auditorium whenever it was free and whenever he liked. It was some kind of escape from home in a way, so he’d really spent a lot of time there. And that was where Jesper had found him about half a year ago. He’d played a prank on one of his friends and he’d used the auditorium to hide. Wylan hadn’t realised that he’d gotten company, so engrossed in the piece he was working on. Jesper had taken a seat somewhere at the edge, drawn in by his playing, by the way he took the papers and scribbled something on them, his pen between his teeth or behind his ear while he was playing. Only when he’d leaned back and put down the pen, he’d realised that he wasn’t alone anymore, because Jesper had gotten up to clap and cheer for him. Needless to say, Wylan had nearly had a heart attack because of that, but in the end, this had been the day they’d started talking. And ever since then, Jesper had come by to listen to him play when he wasn’t in one of his courses or working as a barista. They’d had their first date about a month later, and hadn’t wasted any time to go on their next date and the next, share their first kiss and spend the first night together. Wylan had told him pretty early on that his father didn’t know about him being homosexual, that he was scared to tell him, and Jesper understood. His father had been really accommodating when he’d told him that he was bisexual, had told him that he loved him no matter what, since Jesper would always be his son - he just wanted him to come home with a nice person that treated him right. But he knew how closed-minded people could be, so he was perfectly fine with keeping what they had between them until Wylan was ready to tell his father, just that this opportunity had never presented itself, since someone had outed him to his father, sending him pictures of Wylan and Jesper together. It wasn’t a scandalous picture or anything, just the two of them being close, sitting at the piano bench together, sharing a kiss. That someone had followed Wylan to take these pictures in the first place, was outrageous, but when Jesper had found out that Jan van Eck had hired someone to spy on his own son, he’d nearly lost it, though that was probably more because Wylan had called him after being thrown out of the house he’d called his home for all his life so that he could come and pick him up. Oh, Jesper and Kaz had had to hold each other back to not go up to Wylan’s father and give him a piece of their mind. Wylan hadn’t even been able to get all his stuff out of there, just a couple of clothes before Jan van Eck had pushed him out the door telling him that he didn’t have a son anymore, and that he should never show up again. He’s already been a disgrace because he wasn’t able to read, but kissing another man, a man like him was even worse.

Two weeks had passed since that day. It felt like it had been yesterday, and at the same time, it felt like it had happened ages ago. Wylan was grateful for Jesper and Kaz as well, because the two of them shared an apartment and let Wylan live with them. He didn’t need a lot of space anyway, sharing the bed with Jesper, and he cooked for them as often as he could, sometimes even with Jesper together. Wylan was endlessly grateful to the both of them, and when he told them that he’d find a place of his own, even Kaz told him that he didn’t have to rush anything. Kaz, who looked like he could crush you with a simple look in your direction, or might plot your murder, had a soft spot for Wylan, especially after he’d heard about all the things Jan van Eck had done to belittle him, make him feel worthless. Throwing Wylan out had just been the cherry on top in the end, and Kaz was sure that he was better off away from his so-called father.

Wylan jumped a little when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his middle, a warm, naked chest pressed against his back. Jesper . He pulled Wylan even closer against himself, nuzzling his nose against the nape of his neck, into his hair there. He pressed a soft kiss to his spine after a moment, Wylan relaxing against him, putting his hands on Jesper’s forearms. He always managed to do that, put his mind to rest, let him calm down. It was almost like a magic trick or a switch that Jesper flipped.

“Why aren’t you in bed with me, Wy? It’s four in the morning,” he murmured against his skin, his lips slowly working their way along his shoulder, and if he could, he’d kiss every little freckle there, he’d told Wylan that much more than once. Jesper propped up his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder and looked at him through the mirror.

“Sorry… Just I don’t know. Sorry.” Wylan cast his eyes down and started nibbling on his bottom lip. When Jesper took his arms off him and stepped back, Wylan wanted to protest and pull him back, but there was no need to do that when Jesper turned him around to face him.

“Stop apologising and talk to me.” Jesper cupped his face and Wylan immediately leaned into his touch, craving it. “You do know that you can talk to me, right?”

“Of course, it’s just… it’s stupid.” Wylan’s hands landed on Jesper’s hips, needing that kind of body contact, because it grounded him. Jesper grounded him.

“It’s not stupid if it affects you like that. Your feelings are valid, remember that!” Jesper had told him that before, but he knew that it wasn’t so easy for him to open up, to really talk to him, and express his feelings after years of being told that he should suck it up, get over it, and whatever else his father had told him. Even after his mother’s death, he’d been told these things, and once again, Jesper wanted to strangle that bastard.

“I know.” And he did, but it was still difficult to act accordingly, because he was too used to being silent about these things. But Jesper really knew how to break through his shell, how to wipe his mind clean. One kiss managed to do that, and feeling his lips on his own right now definitely made him a lot calmer right now.

“So…?” Jesper pressed carefully, mumbling the word against his lips before he pulled back, rubbing his thumb lovingly along his cheek. Wylan’s own thumbs slowly started stroking back and forth along his skin where his hands lay on his hips.

“I can’t look at myself without seeing my father,” Wylan said with a sigh, his eyes fixed on Jesper’s chest again, until Jesper tilted his head up again so they could look at each other.

“You look nothing like him.” Jesper raised his other hand as well to frame Wylan’s face and kiss the tip of his nose. “Your nose is much narrower than his, your freckles are nothing that you have from him.” Jesper kissed both cheeks, pretty sure that he’d gotten the freckles from his Mum. He’d only seen a picture once, and that was still in Wylan’s room in the van Eck mansion. “You have the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen, and you have so much love to give.” Which couldn’t be said for his sorry excuse for a father.

This time, it was Wylan who kissed Jesper, who rose to the balls of his feet and put everything he felt right now into that kiss. Jesper’s hands dropped to his shoulders, squeezing them, holding onto them until Wylan pulled back again.

“Thank you,” Wylan whispered against his lips, lowering himself again, his hands finding their way onto Jesper’s chest, placing his right one above his heart so that he could feel its strong, steady beat beneath it.

“I’ll tell you again and again if I have to.” And he knew he’d have to tell him at least a couple more times. Something like this wasn’t easily overcome, the emotional abuse of years manifesting itself like that. But Jesper would tell him and show him how wonderful he thought him again and again until Wylan believed it himself or rather didn’t doubt that anymore, and realised that he had nothing in common with Jan van Eck. For now, they went back to bed, cuddled close together and got a few more hours of sleep before they had to get up and face the day.

A few days later, Jesper came home late in the evening from work, looking forward to wrapping his arms around Wylan and pulling him close after the last couple of customers had really pushed him with their behaviour, but one of his colleagues had pulled him aside, had taken him to the back so that he could calm down a little, and then work behind the scenes more or less, clean up and stuff. That way, he hadn’t had to deal with them anymore. But now, work was behind him, and he could enjoy a quiet rest of the evening and night with Wylan, since they didn’t have to get up in the morning - and because Kaz wasn’t home for the night. He hadn’t told him what he was up to, just that he had some business to attend, and Jesper knew better than to ask any kind of questions about that.

“Wylan?” he called out once he’d closed the door behind him, taking off his shoes and hanging up his keys. No response. Instead, he heard music coming from the bathroom, so maybe, Wylan was enjoying a hot bath, figuring that nobody would disturb him. Jesper took off his shirt while he walked over to the bathroom and dropped it right in front of the door.

“Want some company?” he asked while opening the door and stepping inside, but there was no Wylan in the bathtub, and the situation was nothing like he’d expected. Wylan was sitting on the floor, his back against the bathtub, hugging his knees. He seemed to be in his own world, not realising that Jesper was in the room with him. His heart dropped upon seeing him like this. He knew that there were good and bad days. Days where Wylan was just himself, could enjoy their time together, laugh with him, but also days where he was somewhere far away, doubting himself and everything he was doing, and Jesper knew why this happened. They’d talked about it, about Wylan’s past, about his father and all the things that had happened, that Wylan had thought were normal until he’d seen Kaz’ and Jesper’s reactions. Jesper had promised him that he’d be there every time he needed him, every time he felt like this, so he wondered why he hadn’t called him or sent him a voice message. Then again… Wylan being Wylan didn’t want to be a burden to him. He wasn’t, not at all, because Jesper loved him and wanted him to be happy all the time.

“Hey…” Jesper lowered his voice as he sank down on his knees next to Wylan, carefully touching his fingertips to his bare arm.

“Jesper!” Wylan stared at him wide-eyed, before he quickly lowered his head again. “Sorry, I didn’t want you to find me like this. I wanted to clean up before you got back.”

“Clean up?” And the Jesper saw it. There was a pair of scissors lying next to Wylan, some cut off hair as well. Oh no . “Did you…?”

“I needed something to change and then I…” He shrugged his shoulders and turned his head a little to show Jesper just where he’d chopped off some hair. “Is it bad?”

Jesper reached out his hand to rake his fingers through his hair at the side, realising just how much was missing there.

“I think, we can fix that. You’ll just have to walk around with shorter hair for some time. Give me the scissors, I can do that.”

“But…”

“But what, darling?”

“You love my hair!” Wylan looked at him again, eyes a bit wide and his cheeks turning that beautiful shade of light pink that Jesper loved to see so much,

“I do, but I love you more. And I will still love you with short hair.” The words were out before he realised it, because he hadn’t said them out loud yet. He’d been feeling them for a while, had been thinking them, but it was the first time he spoke them. Upon realising that, his heart beat faster in his chest, especially because Wylan didn’t say anything for a moment. But then, Wylan leaned over and kissed him, soft and sweet at first, but more insistent after a moment, taking Jesper’s hand into his own.

“I feel the same way.” Wylan’s words were a mere whisper against Jesper’s lips, but he heard them, felt the vibration of the words against his lips, and his heart threatened to beat right out of his chest. He’d had his fair share of adventures and dates, but Wylan was the first person able to capture his heart, because he knew that it was safe with him.

“So that means you trust me to cut your hair?” Jesper asked with a grin, trying to take the seriousness out of this situation a little bit, grinning at Wylan and wiggling his eyebrows.

“I trust you with everything.” Honest to a fault, and that made Jesper’s heart speed up even more. Luckily, he had something to do, something he had to concentrate on, because otherwise, he’d probably start babbling because he was a bit overwhelmed with this admission. When Wylan tried to get up, jesper quickly put his hand on Wylan’s thigh and held him down.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Don’t you want me to sit down on a chair or something like that.”

“Nope, we’re good right where we are. Need you close.” With that, he grabbed Wylan’s calf and pulled him closer, pulled his leg over his own, grinning at him. “I missed you all day, so this is perfect.”

He took the scissors from Wylan and got to work. He really didn’t want to screw this up, but he had to go a bit with the length Wylan had already cut a part of his hair to and so he snapped away. He was so concentrated, that he stuck his tongue between his teeth when he assessed his work, looked at the left and the right side. He really managed to work in silence, or rather without saying anything because the room was filled with music and Wylan humming quietly along to it.

“Alright, we’re nearly finished.” Jesper looked at him, leaned back for a moment before sitting up straight again. “Just a little shorter at the front so I can see your stupid face.” He winked at Wylan as he said this, making him chuckle, and it was the sweetest sound he’d heard all day. “There, all done.”

Jesper put the scissors aside and leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips, before he carefully got up and helped Wylan do the same. He had to admit that he was a little nervous when he led Wylan to the mirror and stood behind him, so they could both look at his reflection. He certainly looked different, well, his hair did, but apart from that, he still had those incredibly impressive eyes framed by long lashes that showed so much kindness, still the same lips that Jesper loved to kiss, still the same man who’d stolen his heart that first day in the auditorium.

“It’s short.” Wylan stated, squinting a little as he touched his fingers to his hair.

Well, yes, Captain Obvious.

“And I… I don’t see my father anymore.” Without waiting for a reaction, even a word, Wylan turned around in Jesper’s arms and kissed him, full of love and feeling, and a lot of happiness. Jesper wrapped his arms around his waist and held him close, sinking into the kiss, happy as well because Wylan was happy.

They only broke apart when they heard a knock on the door and Kaz calling out to them. Jesper’s brows drew together in confusion.

“Didn’t he say, he’d be gone all night?” Jesper slowly let go of Wylan to turn towards the door and open it.

“Yeah, I thought so.” Wylan took Jesper’s hand in his own before they walked out of the bathroom. They still had to clean up, but they could do that in a minute.

“Kaz, we-”

“It won’t take long,” Kaz interrupted him and turned to go to the kitchen, expecting them to follow him, and they did. Jesper knew Kaz long enough to know what he wanted them to do.

“I think these belong to you, Wylan.” Kaz pointed at the pretty full table. There were some clothes, lots of papers - Jesper recognised the sheet music among them - Wylan’s beloved flute and probably the most important part, the picture of Wylan’s Mum.

“How did you…?” Wylan let go of Kesper’s hand to pick the picture up. He was biting his bottom lip to keep the tears at bay, but Jesper understood him, knew how much this meant to him.

“I have my ways. The less you know-”

“-the better,” Jesper finished for him, smiling at his best friend. “Thank you, Kaz.”

“Yes, thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“In fact, I do.” He didn’t elaborate, but Jesper knew what he meant, because Kaz had lost his brother, the only family he’d had left at this point, and for Wylan, it seemed to be the same, because Jan van Eck had never really been a father to him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He tapped his cane against the table and then he was gone again.

“Did he…?”

“Trust me, you really don’t want to know.” Jesper let out a laugh, because it really was better not to know how he got certain things done. That way, they couldn’t tell anyone else even by accident.

“You’re right.” Now, Wylan laughed along with Jesper, leaning up against his side. “I’m just really grateful for that. Didn’t think I’d ever see my stuff again.”

“Yet, here we are.” Jesper pressed a kiss to his temple. “How about you bring that stuff in our room and I clean up the bathroom?”

Our room . To him it was, and he hoped that Wylan felt the same way, felt so at home here, that he could call it that. Because he knew for a fact that Kaz didn’t want him to move out. Otherwise, he would have helped him find an apartment right from the start.

“Are you sure? I can help you.”

“I know, but you don’t have to.” He cupped Wylan’s cheek and leaned down to give him a kiss. “And when we’re both finished, we can cuddle up in bed. Sounds good?”

“Wonderful.” Before he turned and put his belongings into their room, Wylan stole another kiss, unable to stop himself from smiling. He was brimming with happiness right now. He had the most wonderful boyfriend, Kaz had gotten him the photo of his Mum and his flute back among other things, and he finally lived in a place where he felt at home for the first time since his mother had died. He knew that there was still a rocky road ahead of him, that there would be moments like tonight when he’d be down, but Jesper had once again shown him that he was there for him, that he was by his side and wouldn’t just leave because it became difficult. Because he loved Wylan, and Wylan loved him, and that made all the difference.

#wesper #wesper fic #wylan van eck x jesper fahey #jesper fahey x wylan van eck #wesper angst #six of crows fic #sic of crows angst #wesper fanfiction #staffi writes

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