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writingsofmax · 1 year

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Home For Christmas

Words: 3.7 K

Tags: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, character exploration, christmas

author's note: I was sitting alone, super late on Christmas night, feeling weird about the holidays when I decided to write this. This is an Edward x reader fic but it's also an exploration of his character. I was thinking about what Edward's experience with Christmas might have been throughout different times of his life, and how he would realistically handle it as an adult. If you're someone that finds the holidays difficult and maybe doesn't even like Christmas, then this one goes out to you. <3

Christmas.

Every year it was excruciating. The holiday had been brutal at the orphanage. Back when the orphanage was still functioning, he had been too young to participate or even remember the festivities. By the time he was old enough, the funding had run out.

The staff would put up some dusty decorations that were falling apart on one designated Christmas wall for a couple days. The children would rehearse their hymns and songs for the public. They would each get one present that was the same as everyone else’s. It was usually a pair of mittens or a spiral notebook. And then they would go to bed hungry and freezing cold. The single television they had would project images of children spending Christmas at loving homes. Their living room floors hidden under the copious amounts of presents they received. Smiles big and warm on their faces as they lifted the steaming mug of hot cocoa to their lips. They would sit on the floor and watch those displays of what the holidays should be like before a staff member would come in and turn the TV off, sending them all to their cots and threadbare blankets for the night.

One year Thomas Wayne came to the orphanage during Christmas. And he talked to Edward! Imagine that! Told him he mattered. That he would do well in this world.

What a joke.

He had been too young to understand then, but he had just been a political pawn. As an adult he knew that Mr. Wayne had most likely been told to say nice things to the poor orphans so he could look good on TV. But as a child he had taken it very seriously. He had gotten his hopes up just to be beaten down soon after. That had been one of his earliest Christmas memories.

Once he was old enough to go to a public school outside of the orphanage it was almost worse.

“What did you get this year?” The inevitable question would come.

“Nothing.” Edward would always reply.

Like every year.

But he wanted to say “Lies. False promises. Emptiness.”

Sleepless cold nights. Forced pageantry so everyone else could enjoy the stupid holiday. Those Christmas songs and hymns were burned into his memory whether he liked it or not.

In college it wasn’t much better. Everyone would talk about how excited they were for winter break. Looking forward to seeing family, friends and pets that they were missing. Hearing everyone in passing idly chatting about the homes they were going back to. Even out of the orphanage he couldn’t escape the fact that he was unwanted. That there was no home for him to go back to and that there never would be.

He would stay on campus of course, the halls barren, and walk around like a ghost. No classes to distract him from the echoes of his past. No swell of bodies in the hall to disappear into and be a part of.

It was just him and the inner knowledge that he wasn’t wanted, that he had no one, and that it was somehow his fault. Those late nights on campus he would find himself walking outside alone a lot. He would spend late nights trudging through the snow, hoping the chill would distract him from the screaming in his mind.

As an adult, holiday parties at work were just another societal ritual that he didn’t understand. Secret Santas were like his own personal hell. No one wanted to get Eddie for theirs. No one knew what to get him because he, “Didn’t talk much!” His reactions to opening the things he got were never acceptable enough. He was either overly cheerful or came off as rude. It’s like he couldn’t choose the right emotions that people wanted to see.

No one ever liked the gifts he gave either. A gift certificate to a diner that the recipient thought was gross. A plain office spiral notebook that wasn’t enough for Christmas, even though as a child that’s usually what he had gotten. A small book of riddles that they frowned upon opening and asked, “Isn’t this stuff for kids?”

“Happy Holidays”

No one wants me.

“Merry Christmas!”

There is something deeply wrong with me.

“Have a happy new year!”

I am never going to fit in in this world.

For Edward, it never got easier. His routine was always to try and avoid the holidays as much as possible. All of these reasons and more were why, when you asked him if he wanted to spend the holiday with you this year, he didn’t know what to say.

He froze and you immediately said, “It’s okay if you don’t want to! I don’t mean to impose!”

Because he looked deeply uncomfortable when you asked. He grimaced and looked out the diner window, now cloudy with frost on the glass. Turning his attention back to you, he picked up his coffee cup and swirled the dregs around contemplatively.

“It’s fine... It’s just that I don’t…. like… the holidays,” he answered slowly, as if even thinking about it was painful.

You frowned. You knew that Eddie had been an orphan, maybe it had been insensitive of you to ask.

“Oh.. That’s okay! Um. I was just asking because I’m not going home this year, so I just thought…” you trailed off seeing that same pained expression appear on his face again.

“Home..” he answered before taking the last sip of his coffee. He didn’t finish his thought.

You were definitely puzzled. You had been with Eddie for almost a year now, and hadn’t ever seen him be this quiet. You knew he wasn’t the most forthcoming about personal matters, but this was different. He hadn’t even told you a riddle or a pun today.

“My family is going on a trip this year and I couldn’t take that much time off work, so I have four days to fill by myself,” you explained, not sure if he was listening or not, “and I like spending time with you so…”

Eddie smiled weakly at your last comment.

“I like spending time with you too,” he answered quietly.

The waitress came to your table and refilled both of your mugs while you sat in silence.

“Eddie? Are you okay?”

He looked up at you over his coffee apologetically.

“Yes, sorry.. Just tired,” he mumbled as he stirred sugar into his coffee.

You reached across the table and held his hand, rubbing your thumb over his.

“I love you, okay? If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but just know that I am here for you.”

It hurt to see him like this, you wished you knew what was wrong. Edward squeezed your hand, and peered up at you from under his glasses. He chewed on his lower lip for a moment before speaking.

“I know… I’m sorry. It’s just that I never did the whole… holiday thing. And I’m not good at it. I’m not good at giving presents or… being cheerful or any of the requirements,” he lifted his coffee with his free hand and took a sip before continuing, “I don’t know if you would want to spend the holidays with me.”

He didn’t look at you as he spoke, he just kept his eyes trained on the window the whole time, studying patterns in the frost.

“I definitely do want to,” you insisted, “You don’t have to be any certain way for me.” Edward stopped studying the window, and turned back to you, a blush creeping up his neck. “Oh. Um. Then yeah, we should definitely… spend it together, if that’s what you want..” He trailed off awkwardly, pushing his glasses back up his nose. That was a good enough answer for you. After the two of you finished your drinks, you flagged down the waitress to bring you the check. You paid the fee at the register and as the two of you were leaving, she called out behind you, “Have a Merry Christmas!” You called back, “Thanks, you too!”

Edward frowned and shrunk down inside of his coat a little. You decided to go to his place that night because it was closer, and it was cold. As you walked the snowy streets, the Christmas lights in the trees shone down beautifully, reflecting off the icy patches. “I love the lights this time of year.. Aren’t they so pretty?” you asked.

“Um.. Yes.” Edward answered rigidly, glancing up at them for a second before continuing to look forward.

“So what do you wanna do over Christmas break?” You asked, excited to be spending it with him.

“I don’t know,” he answered tonelessly, his eyes narrowing. “Um. Whatever you want to do I guess,” he added on quickly, offering you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Are you sure it's okay I’m spending it with you?” You asked, “You seem a little…”

Edward looked at you, waiting for you to finish your sentence.

“Upset.” You finished.

“Oh. Sorry.” He answered simply. The two of you trudged on in silence after that, since he didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk. After a while, Edward noticed that you were frowning at the ground while you walked, so he gathered up the courage to try to explain his feelings. He wasn’t trying to upset you, but seemed to be failing miserably at it. “Well, If I’m being honest….” he started, his grip tightening on yours, “The holidays were always a bad time for me…. And this season brings back a lot of memories I would rather not think about. It kind of distracts me I guess.” He pulled his key from his coat pocket and unlocked his door, letting you out of the cold and into the apartment building. As you walked up the dingy stairway, your stomach twisted. He was really down, and he clearly really disliked the holidays. You deeply regretted the tin of sugar cookies and hot chocolate mix you had shoved in your purse before going out to meet him at the diner. Once your coats were off and you were both safely enclosed in the warm confines of Edward’s apartment, you followed him into the living room. “Let’s watch some movies!” You suggested, wanting to hopefully take his mind off of it. Edward’s chest tightened as he guessed what was coming, you were going to ask to watch holiday movies, and then he would agree, and it would put him in a terrible mood. “Wanna watch the SAW movies?” you asked, inspecting his rack of DVDs. “You must really like them if you have all of them here.” He brightened at that. “Oh! Yeah, definitely!” he agreed, smiling at you for the first time that day. Once the movie was in and started, you snuggled up to Eddie on the couch, laying your head on his chest and shoulder as he wrapped his arm around you. You felt him kiss the top of your head as the movie started. You thought the movie was a little gruesome, but it seemed to relax Eddie a lot, and that was all that mattered. Plus, you could hide your face in his chest and snuggle up to him more whenever you got scared, which both of you liked. At the end of the second movie, you were getting hungry. You got up to go rummage in the kitchen for something to eat.

“What do you have for snacks, Eddie?” You asked as you made your way past him on the couch.

“I’m pretty sure I have popcorn and—” He stopped as you tripped over your purse that you had left lying on the floor, catching your arm as you tilted forward. “Careful!” he cautioned, “Are you alright?” He asked, reaching down to pick up your purse, and what had spilled out of it.

“Yeah I’m alright.” You answered bashfully.

“What is this?” He asked curiously, holding up the tin decorated with a snowflake pattern.

“Oh…. Those are…” You sighed, praying that this wouldn’t bring his mood back down, “I made you sugar cookies and brought you some hot chocolate mix… for um.. Christmas..”

Edward’s eyes widened. He looked at you, and then looked at the tin, before looking back at you, “Really?”

“Yeah…” you mumbled, feeling very foolish knowing how he felt about the holidays now, “But you don’t have to accept them or anything if you…” you trailed off as you saw Edward opening the box, pulling one out and smelling it.

“I actually have always wanted to try one of these… You made these?” He asked again, digging through the box.

“Yeah!” you answered, relieved that he actually seemed happy about it.

“For me?” He asked, incredulously.

“Yes.”

“So I can have one?” He asked again, his brows furrowed, as he held a cookie in front of him, inspecting it closely.

You laughed, “Yes. They are for you.”

You spent the rest of the evening snacking on popcorn and cookies with Edward while watching the rest of the movies. He almost didn’t want to eat them at all, but knew he couldn’t save them forever. It was the first time anyone had given him a gift that they hadn’t been obligated to. The gift hadn’t just been some thoughtless cheap thing either, it was something that you had worked on and made specifically for him to enjoy.

He pulled your face to his and kissed you softly, before pulling the blankets over both of you and settling in to watch the last movie.

Once the SAW marathon was over, you dug in your purse for your phone to see if anyone had contacted you. After not finding it, your stomach sank, and you realized that you left your cellphone at your apartment. If your family couldn’t get a hold of you on Christmas tomorrow, they were going to freak out. You were so apologetic about having to go back over there so late but Edward didn’t care. He was more of a night owl anyway.

Edward packed some overnight clothes so the two of you could just stay at your place after you got there since it was so late and you were tired.

Once at your apartment, you flicked the lights on and quickly shrugged off your coat and purse. You prayed that your phone was actually there, and not buried in the snow outside somewhere. You let out a major sigh of relief when you found your phone, plugged in by your bed.

“I found it!” You called out to Eddie, but didn't get a reply.

You walked back out into your living room to find Edward sitting on the couch, his gaze focused on the small Christmas tree in your apartment corner. You had gotten it a few days earlier at a second hand store. It was a scraggly, cheap plastic mini tree that you had grabbed for 3 bucks. It came with some lights already on it. You had gotten it in a small attempt to bring some life into your dreary apartment, but it hadn’t really worked. Unfortunately, you had completely forgotten about it before bringing him over here. “I found my phone!” you said again. “Thankfully it was here.” “Oh!” Edward answered, looking at you and smiling, “Good!” “Are you tired yet?” you asked, feeling more awake than you had before. Going back outside into the cold had woken you up a bit. “Not really,” Edward answered, his gaze back on the tree. “I can put another movie on? Pick one out that you like and we can watch it!” You suggested, internally cursing yourself for bringing him here. Edward nodded, seeming to like your idea. You watched as he crouched down in front of your movie shelf, eyes scanning the titles. You left him to it, going into your kitchen to get something to drink. When you came back, he was still in the same spot, but looking at your tree again. He looked very sad, and lost in thought. Damn it. You really wished you hadn’t put that decoration up. “Did you find anything you want to watch?” you asked, and he stiffened, your words bringing him back to the present. “Ummm…. Yeah!” He answered, scanning down the titles again before pulling one out from the row with his index finger. You took it from him. “The Thing, huh?” you commented, before putting it in the player. “A good choice! Haven’t seen this one in awhile.” The two of you settled onto your couch as you watched the movie. You were fully engrossed in the story, but you noticed that Edward was fidgety. He didn’t put his arms around you and picked at the blanket absent-mindedly. He watched the movie with you but you noticed he kept looking at your tree. After a while, every time you peeked over at him, you would find him staring at it, his eyes glazed over. He stopped picking at the blanket and started picking at his fingers. You reached over and took his hand in yours, rubbing circles into the back of his palm with your fingers. “This part is really scary,” you murmured as an explanation.

That seemed to soothe him for a while, but soon enough, he was back to looking at it, his hand gripping yours tighter and tighter.

You let go of his hand and got up from the couch, making your way over to the tree. He watched you curiously. “Everything okay?” he asked from his spot on the couch, his curious nature activated at your sudden movements. “Yeah.” You said, shoving up on the bottom of the window pane. “I’m fine.” “What are you doing?” He asked, getting up off the couch. The window seemed to be frozen shut and you struggled with it. “I’m trying to open this window, it’s really hot in here. Could you help me?” you asked, standing to the side to let him try. “Of course, Angel.” With a hard shove from Eddie, the window broke free of its icy confines and opened. Ice cold Gotham air blew into your apartment, causing you to shiver. “Thank you.” You said, matter of factly. Then without any explanation you reached down and unplugged your Christmas tree. “Um, what–” Edward started. And then you tossed it out the window. Both of you watched it fall to the snowy ground several stories beneath your apartment. “WHAT!” Eddie exclaimed, “Why did you just???” He looked at you wide eyed, completely bewildered. “I could see it was bothering you. And anyway, it was ugly.” Edward leaned out of the window, looking down at the offending tree before pulling himself back in, shutting the window, and turning to you. “You didn’t have to do that!” He exclaimed. Edward’s genuine shock at your actions was hilarious to you. You covered your face with your hands, trying to stifle your giggles but it was of no use. You burst out laughing. Then you heard it. A high pitched giggle. You opened your eyes to find Edward laughing too. The two of you carried on like that for a few minutes, each of you laughing so much that it was hard to breathe at times. By the time the two of you had finally settled down, the movie was almost over.

Edward sighed, wiping a tear away from under his glasses, “That’s alright, we should probably go to bed anyway since it's so late. We can watch it tomorrow.”

You put your hands on either side of Eddie’s face, and kissed him warmly, running your hands through his hair. He kissed you back passionately, his hands pulling your waist towards him. The two of you did not go to sleep until much later.

Edward woke up on Christmas Day with you in his arms. Surprisingly his mind wasn’t filled with dread at the thought of yet another Christmas to get through. He had you there, curled into him, and he felt at peace. He was at home with you. The two of you spent the morning sleepily making coffee, watching movies together and talking. Around noon, you decided to go pick up some Chinese food for lunch and to also get out of the apartment for a little bit. The idea of completely ignoring Christmas had become somewhat of an inside joke between the two of you, after you had thrown your tree out the window. “Really weird that there’s barely any restaurants open today, can’t imagine why.” You commented, in your best sincere voice. Edward giggled, “Yes it is quite strange. And all of these lights everywhere too. Perhaps it's some sort of cult?” You continued to look serious as you thought of what to say next. “What is that?” Edward asked, gesturing to something in the snow. You looked and it was your Christmas tree decoration, still lying on the sidewalk, completely ruined. Both of you erupted in laughter. A while later, you were on the way back to your apartment, both of you carrying copious amounts of Chinese food, when Edward stopped to ask you a question. “Um.. Do you want…” he looked to the side, his cheeks tinged pink from the cold, “Do you want to do anything…. Christmas-sy? Like.. I don’t know.. I could go buy you a present or something and you could open it.” Edward squeezed the bags of take out to his chest a little tighter when he asked. As uncomfortable as it was, he didn’t want you to miss out on things you might want to do because of his hang-ups. You smiled warmly at him and stood on your tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. “Nope! Spending time with you today is more than enough. I love being with you. Honestly, this is the most fun I’ve had in years.” You adjusted the weight of the bag on your arm before continuing, “Anyway, let's get home, I’m hungry!”

Edward smiled, the tightness in his chest melting away. He followed after you, the two of you making the only footprints on the sidewalk as you made your way back home.

I am wanted. I am needed. I am at home right here with you.

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