#really fuckin tired of it i really spent so many years 100% on the side of 'i have critical understanding i get to judge'

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

#vent/ // #might delete later /// #ok to rb but. i swear to god if this pops off and ppl whine...... literally L I T ER A LL Y come take care of my kids #NO BETTER YET BC ITS ACTUALLY FEASIBLE!! FOR EVERY COMPLAINT. 5 DOLLARS IN MY PAYPAL #SO I CAN AFFORD DAYCARE. LITERALLY IF OYU CLAIM ANY STUPID SHIT BC I ADMIT ITS HARD TO CARE FOR SMALL KIDS #U HAVE NO EXCUSE TO NOT PUT THAT FAKE BITCHY JUDGY CONCERN INTO ACTUAL RESULTS. THANKX #anyways on a real note again this is a vent moreso than a disc horse post thats meant to be shared around so #its not perfect its just. my feelings over the past couple years dealing w this man #really fuckin tired of it i really spent so many years 100% on the side of 'i have critical understanding i get to judge' #no i didnt. no you dont. its not comprehensible till you're pushed to your own limit with childcare. i hate being that btich #cuz nobody wants to hear it. but its the truth swallow it #long post //

[thevioletjones]

48. “You make me want things I can’t have.” 💜

Thanks for the inspiration! 💜

Prompt 3

Buffer

Ian Gallagher was starting to become a problem.

And the worst part about it was that he wasn’t even a problem that Mickey wanted to resolve. No. He just kept holding Ian closer and refusing to push him away like he should. He was just letting him ruin Mickey’s mediocre life. Because something about Ian was unshakeable. It wasn’t just that Ian kept coming back no matter what Mickey ever said or did, either. Ian was definitely persistent, but Mickey had formed an attachment too, even though he did everything in his power to hide it. It was still there, buried under layers of caustic remarks, aloof expressions, and occasional lashing out. He wasn’t proud of his behavior, but it was just who he was, and remaining unchanged in his ways was easier than the alternative.

Ian was definitely too good for him. Sure, he was hood trash too, but they were on two different levels. Ian was buffed up with a certain surface shine that Mickey lacked. Although, he would admit he’d come a long way in his style and hygiene game since his early days as an unwashed miscreant. Mickey was a gay man after all, and not immune to gaying certain things up, despite his tendency to flout homo conventions. If he wanted the ability to get a decent dick in his ass, there were standards that he’d learned to push himself to meet. This was the glossiest Mickey was ever gonna get, and it still came with a pinch of grime and hostility.

Maybe he’d developed enough sense to give a fuck, but he still didn’t give two shits either; a concept that walking contradictions the world over could likely comprehend.

The thing about Gallagher was that he was sweet. Not in an annoying, cloying, obvious way that was anathema to everything Mickey was about, but in a low-key, casual, incidental kind of way that somehow managed to be attractive, even to someone with Mickey’s abrasive nature. Ian played tough, and he genuinely was in many ways, but he had a gooey, marshmallow center that evened him out. Mickey didn’t see himself as having that sort of balance.

But there were these unsettling moments like this, usually in the middle of the night or early in the morning, when Mickey would catch himself watching Ian unawares. Unawares because he only ever did it when the redhead was deep in sleep. Suddenly, Mickey would be Mr. Contemplation, burning a hole into the face of the dude he was banging, daring to wonder what could happen between them if he wasn’t an emotionally stunted asshole. And then he’d reflect on what Ian’s life was like whenever he wasn’t around; the things Mickey acted like he didn’t care to know.

These circular thought patterns never led anywhere good, because at the end of the day, Ian wasn’t his. And Mickey could never be Ian’s. He’d long ago resigned himself to a certain destiny that involved long-term solitude until his dying day, which he’d always been fairly certain would come prematurely and most likely in violent fashion. It would be ridiculous to drag someone else into his vortex of apathy for life and the general traditions of living it. Especially someone like Ian, who was good; who helped people because he genuinely cared about, like, the well-being of humanity and shit. Despite the occasional soft look or revelatory comment that Ian would throw his way, he knew better than to think he’d want to be saddled with Mickey’s non-reciprocating ogre-y ass.

Usually when one of these intense, one-sided staring sessions would take place, Mickey would overcompensate for silently slipping by adding an extra dose of rudeness when he kicked Ian out after the fact. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure why Gallagher still bothered with him. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get laid elsewhere. Ian was the type that would never have trouble finding a willing ass. Yet somehow he kept coming back to Mickey and ignoring all the negatives thrown in his path. It didn’t make much sense on either of their parts… allowing each other in on any terms. Probably meant that Ian was just as fucked up as he was, really.

Blowing out the last hit off his smoke, Mickey glanced at the bedside clock and stubbed out the cigarette butt. 3:26 AM and he was wide awake, just gawking at his slumbering ginger fuck buddy, and trying to repress the multitude of emotions swirling within him. It was truly pathetic.

He could just get the hell up and drag his ass to the living room to play video games or watch late-night TV, but no. Apparently he liked suffering and feeling conflicted. What a pussy.

Not ten minutes went by before there was slow movement from the other side of the bed... Ian turning over in his sleep, reaching an arm out, and searching. Searching for the warmth of Mickey’s body, it would seem.

A big hand landed on his thigh, rubbing it softly as tired eyes blinked open, and a groggy voice sounded, “What’re’y’doin’?”

Oh, just fuckin’ lying here starin’ at your pasty ass for some reason. “Can’t sleep.”

“Didn’t wear you out?” Ian asked with a breathy titter, squeezing the sensitive flesh precariously close to Mickey’s groin.

Maybe it made his dick twitch a little.

“When did one round ever wear me out?”

“Pretty sure there were two rounds. Did you forget about the couch?”

“Random handies while watchin’ mediocre porn barely counts as a round, carrot-top.”

“A, it wasn’t that mediocre, and B, do you only consider it sex if penetration is involved?”

“I mean… it helps.”

“What about blowjobs, then? How would you classify them?”

“Sex act, but not sex, sex. Know what I mean?”

Ian laughed. “Not really. What about lesbians?”

“Definitely don’t wanna have my cock anywhere near those.”

“Har har. I mean, what would you call lesbian sex?”

“Gross? Boring? I don’t fuckin’ know. Never had it, don’t plan to.”

Ian laughed harder and it made Mickey feel good. “Pretty sure lesbians don’t want fuck all to do with you either, bottom boy.”

“Hey, likin’ what I like don’t make me a bitch.”

“No, but you seem pretty hostile toward anything but a real live human cock poking you in the asshole. I mean, naysaying getting your dick sucked? That’s a bold bossy bottom stance to take.”

“What can I say? I’m a simple man with simple kinks. Aren’t you glad I don’t need any freaky extra shit to get me off?”

“What kinda freaky extras are we talkin’?”

“Fuck off, Gallagher. Don’t act like you don’t just live for stickin’ that big red dick inside any tight manhole that’ll accommodate it. Does that make you a hungry top just begging for it?”

“I prefer ‘brutal top,’ since it’s so big, as you were so kind to mention.”

Mickey rolled his eyes into tomorrow. “Gotta remember to stop accidentally complimenting it. You get so fuckin’ uppity about it.”

Ian rolled over and boxed him in, nuzzling around his face and neck, while Mickey tried to bat him away.

“Come on,” prodded Ian. “Big hard cock seeks tight little hole for another round of deep penetration.”

Mickey could feel said big hard cock firming right up against his hip. “Ixnay on the cutesy man seeking man dirty talk, fuckhead. I will make you take that hulking boner elsewhere.”

“No you won’t,” Ian replied, humping down against him.

Of course he wouldn’t, but he had to front at least a little bit. That was the nature of his inner beast.

While they were fucking, Mickey could just let himself get lost in all the appropriate heightened sensations that really good sex immersed him in. Immersed him and Ian in. Ian and him. Them. Reveling in the pleasure of carnality was totally kosher… as long as it limited him from basking in that additional Ian stuff. That feelings stuff that he had no idea what to do with. That unfathomable connection that existed between them.

He let Ian kiss him a lot too. Like, a lot, a lot. That wasn’t customary for him with other dudes. In fact, it barely ever happened. It was just another habit Ian had slipped under the wire to form with him when he wasn’t paying enough attention. Mickey was pretty sure he’d kissed more girls in his life than boys, because that was always an easy, less disgusting way to publicly appear straight during the years he’d spent in the closet. With guys, there was nothing to prove and everything to hide, so it just wasn’t something he incorporated into his casual sex routine.

Before Ian, he hadn’t exactly attracted the kind of dudes that warranted sticking around for in any capacity, or who made any kind of effort to stick with him. There were never any near-miss boyfriends, or pine-worthy hookups. Sex was always transactional and he’d been perfectly fine with that arrangement.

The truth was that once he’d fucked up and invited Ian in for repeats over and over again, he started to figure out that the sex just kept getting hotter and hotter. That when two bodies really took the time to get to know each other, things fit better, motions got smoother, and orgasms got a thousand times stronger. Turned out that one-night-stands were not where the fuck it was at. Those were always crapshoots with odds that were at best 25/75 in favor of mediocrity. With Ian, it was guaranteed total fulfillment 100% of the time.

That was the only explanation he could find for this unexpected addiction he was stuck with. An addiction to Ian and his stupidly perfect cock. The rest of his body was alright too. And when he spoke, he wasn’t completely fucking annoying. His personality and his nature were tolerable. Mickey didn’t want to gouge his eyes out every time he got sucked into a conversation.

They didn’t really hang out, though. Outside of the bedroom, that is. It was like the whole game changed when they were in bed. They could fuck, they could goof around and have a laugh, they could wrestle, they could accidentally say something profound once in a while… but if Ian had a bag of food when he dropped by, Mickey wasn’t about to sit on the couch and watch TV with him while he ate it, and he definitely wasn’t going to accept a portion for himself.

Until tonight, that is. Or last night, or however the fuck time was identified when you were a natural night owl.

Tonight, they’d crossed another invisible line in the sand, and Mickey had found himself chowing down on tacos, while heckling some shitty 90s action film; his part-time lover chuckling next to him with a sloppy mouth.

It was fucking terrifying.

So as soon as he’d realized what was actually happening, and how much he didn’t hate it, Mickey had switched over to some hardcore porn. They’d cracked jokes about it at first, but it’d done the trick of quickly leading to the familiar comfort of sexual gratification. With that justification, Mickey could just sweep the whole ‘watching a movie and eating together like they were on a date’ thing under the proverbial rug without further examination.

At least until Ian had fallen asleep around 2 AM. Then it was dwell city.

By 4:30 AM, Ian had fucked him into the mattress once again, and promptly fallen back asleep without a care in the world. Mickey was more than sated, but felt even more awake than he had an hour ago, his brain full of fresh bullshit about the man next to him and what was happening between them.

He opened his bedside drawer and pulled out his stash, knowing the high would fog up his brain enough to go off on thought tangents, and eventually shut down for at least five hours. Within ten minutes, he felt a little better, or at least more distracted. He was still very aware of Ian’s looming presence in the darkness, though. He wanted to be comforted by it, but he just couldn’t relax.

There’d always been a buffer between them, which Mickey had been diligent in maintaining, and he could see it slowly falling away now. If he didn’t step up and push back, pretty soon there’d be no barrier left standing. Who the fuck knew what could happen then.

He hated it. He felt so fucking out of control, when it should be the easiest thing in the world to control. All he had to do was break it off. He knew exactly what to say and do to make that happen. Knew enough to be able to really hit Ian where it hurt, both literally and figuratively.

But goddamn it, he didn’t want to.

He didn’t want to make Ian sad, and he didn’t want to give into his own desire to try for more. He would always fuck it up, because he was a fuck-up by nature. His goddamn knuckles spelled it all out in block letters.

He wanted Ian, but he didn’t want the responsibility. Didn’t trust himself, because no one had ever trusted him before in his entire life. What kind of dumbass wanted that kind of damaged douchebag for a boyfriend? No sane one.

Against his better judgment, Mickey rolled closer to Ian and wrapped an arm around his middle, spooning him the way he secretly liked it when Ian spooned him. He held him close and breathed in his scent.

“You make me want things I can’t have,” he murmured to himself, exhaling heavily against Ian’s neck.

He fell asleep swiftly, and in the morning, he didn’t ask Ian to leave.

#ian x mickey #fanfic #gallavich #fanfiction #asks #answers

[vidimillion]

Okay, so jasico hcs, umm, what about their wedding?

i got very carried away with this, since "wedding" is rather broad. we'll get to the actual wedding part eventually, i swear.

i asked @/ariihen a while ago about who would propose and her answer is 100% accurate to me

nico spent a rather long portion of all his relationships kind of believing that they would one day end

the past few years of his life have done a pretty good job at slowly undoing that mindset, but old habits die hard

nico knows jason had the same problem. for the longest time jason had never been secure in his relationships, from when his mother gave him up to when his family at camp jupiter didn't search for him

nico hated doing the laundry, so jason normally did it with no qualms

on a random, insignificant day, nico noticed jason waking up every morning dead on his feet, either going to do homework for his college course or work on building more temples. being the good boyfriend he is, nico decides to lessen jason's workload by doing their laundry

putting jason's laundry away, he finds the ring box stuffed into a pair of clean socks. months later he'll tell jason it was a pretty good idea on his part— jason's socks have got to be the only thing he owns that nico doesn't steal

nico doesn't even register what it is until he opens it in confusion. later on, he described the sight of the ring as a punch to the fucking face

jason was left behind by his own mother. he was left behind by his sister who believed he was dead. he was left behind by his camp which he had been serving dutifully for his entire life. he was left behind by his two best friends when he was dead for a year

but he was brave enough to buy nico a ring. he still had so much love pouring out of his heart, for people he was never sure would stay. he was brave enough to let himself believe nico would stay. he loved nico enough to brave through his insecurities about himself, to let nico know he wanted this to last forever.

nico doesn't know how long he cried but afterwards, he felt tired enough to fall asleep. he hid the box right where jason had put it, hoping he wouldn't notice something off.

he doesn't know if he should wait for jason, but something tells him he should buy him a ring too. he doesn't see how it would be a bad thing, so he does.

it's a few months later and the whole group is together. the seven + reyna, dakota, the stolls, and a few more. nico was too happy to see them all together to wonder why jason put so much effort into wrangling everyone up.

waterworks started before jason even got on one knee, because he'd already told everyone he was planning to propose. nico knew jason would've told them, so he didn't tell anyone he bought jason a ring too.

the proposal story is one for another day, but let's say everyone had a chance to both cry and laugh.

nico wanted connor and travis to come because they mean a lot to him. they were his first friends at camp back when he was ten, and they were the only people who greeted him when he was going in and out between ages ten to fifteen. they treated him like a brother and never stopped.

will was invited, because he and nico got on amicable terms after their breakup. nico thinks will is always gonna be a good friend to him— they weren't the one for each other, and they didn't need to be. they were best friends, will being one of the first people at camp to be his friend. it's better if it sticks to that.

do i even need to mention reyna? she was one of the first five fuckin people on the guest list

jason and nico tried to keep the guest list small and personal. they did not realize how many people they actually liked and were friends with.

(nico oddly enough became rather good friends with sadie kane and anubis, so the egyptians were invited. he and jason also became friends with magnus, alex and sam— the whole event was very inter-pantheon)

the only gods that were formally invited were hestia, hades and persephone. that didn't stop the wedding being broadcasted to the entire godly world over hephaestus tv, but at least the small and subtle cameras weren't very intrusive.

hades insisted on funding the most beautiful wedding the godly world has ever seen. for once, nico didn't fight him on the money because he wanted everything to be as perfect as possible. all jason cared about was getting married.

nico plans most of it. the color scheme stays classy, with white cream colours, minimal bits of gold. there's a little bit of red too, in the flowers and tiny details— nico says it's because jason looks damn good in red. he's right, of course, but there's another reason.

red was the di angelo family signature color, back in the 1930s. nico remembers most of his life before the casino now, and even if there's nothing he can really do about it, he wants his family there. even just a little bit of them would be enough.

they get married at dusk in the most beautiful park in new rome. they have the ceremony in the grass, tall greek pillars squaring the area off from the rest of the park. billowy white fabrics hang from above but leave the setting sun visible. the only lights are persephone's special flowers, glowing softly in every color of the rainbow and scenting the air with ambrosia.

nico and jason both get to walk down the aisle, but nico goes first. he wears a black three piece suit, complete with a subtle gold collar link and lapel chain. it's a little tight, but that's kind of the reason he picked it. he slicked his hair back for this too.

he couldn't pick a best man for this, so there isn't one. by his side are connor, travis, will, and frank— and hazel and reyna, in red suits.

on the other side of the altar, jason's side, there's percy, leo, dakota, piper and annabeth.

nico's mother was a singer. her music was italy's treasure, almost hidden from the rest of the world. they play one of her most beautiful songs as they walk down the aisle, one nico can faintly remember her singing to him. her voice is like a siren's, like a goddess's— otherworldly, ethereal, elysian.

but the music stops when he sees jason.

he wears a white three piece suit that cinches his small waist and stretches over the broadness of his shoulders. he wears a boutonniere of small, light blue hydrangeas and a gold collar link that matches nico's.

everything about him matches nico. matches him, compliments him, completes you in the perfect way your opposite tends to complete you.

nico thinks "opposite" sounds too aggressive— like they were enemies. jason wasn't his enemy. jason was his soulmate.

#percy jackson #jasico #nico di angelo #jason grace #pjo #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #percy jackson and the heroes of olympus #wedding #my writing

[janevx]

maybe| Yuta Nakamoto VI

XiYangenre: mafia au, angst, smut

Part 5

 At the morning Yuta was pissed of and Soyeon was scared. She was mad at herself, about what she did. He didn’t listen to him, he clearly said: Be at home before 10 p.m and here she is. Waiting for Yuta to come and talk with her.

— How did you sleep?

— Fine, thanks.

— I thought about this, so.. — He smirked  — You are disallow to leave home without me. You not gonna hang out with friends, honey.

— I understand and I’m sorry again. 

— By the way, be ready at 8 p.m, we gonna leave.

— Where?

— Mafia event, you know Taeyong likes to make parties and today is 4th anniversary since he had made NCT, so yeah. Big event.

— I don’t have any clot —

— You have, I bought you some.

 And with this he left her. She could see that he doesn’t show this, but he was really mad at her. His gaze tells everything. And this event. First real event together. She knew that she will have to act as good couple and lovely wife of mafia member. But she promised herself  — I’M GONNA STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM AS KILLER AND MAFIA MEMBER AND START THINKING ABOUT HIM AS HER HUSBAND.

---------------------

 Time passed really fast. She walked around home and spent a lot time in garden. She fell in love with their garden, what means that she gonna spend more time in this place. 

 Yuta bought her this dress:

 In his opinion this dress suits Soyeon very well and suits event. She feel a little bit weird. She doesn’t know a lot of people only a little Johnny, Taeyong and good Mark who really like Soyeon and she likes him back. How this people act? Behave? Any other girls? Are they mean? So many questions.

 When they drive in car to the place, Yuta noticed that his wife looks a little bit scared. He doesn’t know why, but wants to comfort her a little.

— Don’t be stressed. I’ll be by your side all the time. No one gonna hurt you, and if some new member gonna say to you something or whatever..Be sure I’ll know what to do with them.

— Thank you Yuta.  — She smilled  — It’s just all new. I only know Mark, who was nice to me and you know..

— You’ll meet a lot my friends, maybe you will like them?  — He smirked  — But remember, you are my wife and I’m not allow to anyone to touch you, got it, sewatheart?

— I got it, Yuta.

— Good girl.

 To the end of the way they stayed silent. It was nice. No stressful conversations and other shit what would make her more shy. They arrived and see a lot sports and expensive cars. Poeple greated with each other. Big restaurant. They walked in with smiles at their faces and see Taeyong, who smiled to them back.

— My best friend and his wife! C’mon!

 He hugged them and they talk a little. Then he had to talk with other gesuts, so they came to their seats. Everything looks so expensive in Soyeon’s eyes. Fot her it was hard to accept this.

 After 10 minutes everyone were at their places. There were a lot people, maybe 100 maybe 200? Taeyong looks really good. Red hair suits his face and scarry face. Outfit also looks expensive and good. He stood up, because he always gives a speach.

— At the first place, I want to say thank you for everyone for comming. Thank you guys! I know that for everyday I’m not that nice and I scream a lot, I know, but just the way I am, I geuss.  — Everyone laugh  — As you know today is 4th anniversary. 4 fuckin years with you! 4 years with my boys who are my family. Thank you for your hard work and for everything, I know that usually our work is hard and we know that in every moment we can die, but we sweared for us to this job. NCT still growing, we are really big and no motherfuckers gonna bother us. This fuckers are afraid of us, Yakuza, Triada, this little BTS fuckers and other gangs from South Korea, they are afraid of us. Thanks to Kun and Lucas, Triada and China are afraid of us. They did a really good job. They still do! Work hard for everyhting. But here is one guy who work the hardest. As you can know Yakuza is second the biggest mafia, we are first ofcourse.  — Everyone laugh again at his facial expression  — But my buddy who take care of Japan bussines is here, Yuta Nakamoto! He works hard everyday to make things right. Thanks to this guy Yakuza is afraid of us. Yuta mate, I love you! Also, thanks to rest like Taeil, Johnny, Jaehyun, WinWin, Mark, Jungwoo, Doyoung, Haechan, Hendrey, Ten, Yangyang, Xiaojun, Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun, Jisung and Chenle! Ofcourse to others too. And now let’s just enjoy this night!

 Everyone claped for their boss. Soyeon too. But she was in schock. She was never imagined that Yuta takes care about Japan and made Yakuza scared. She heard about Yakuza since she was little kid and now she is married to guy who made them fear. She was kinda proud. Her husband works really hard.

 When everyone stoped clap Yuta stand up. Soyeon was curious why, but she just was waiting.

— I’m sorry that I take your time, but I want to say something. As you could see I bring her my wife.  — He smiled and touch her hand  — I want to invite everyone to our wedding in Japan. I’m send you info in next few days. Thanks for attention.

 Everyone clap again and were very happy for their “second” boss. Soyeon almost chocked. She didn’t know that they gonna do real wedding. 

 Yuta talks with Soyeon, but then with others members.

— So, Teail this is Soyeon my wife, Soyeon this is Taeil my friend.

 They shook their hands and smiled. She doesn’t want to take all Yuta’s attention so she leave him in conversation, but then next to her was Mark.

— Hello Soyeon! Congratulations for you and Yuta!  — His smile was wide

— Thank you Mark.

— How do you feel? Everything is ok?

— Fine.  — She smiled  — It’s different just, but everyone seems so nice.

 They talked about everything. She was happy that she found a friend in Mark, so she wouldn’t be that alone. Soyeon stood up and inform Yuta that she going to toilet, and Yuta only nodded.

 She walked in. She sat down and open her purse just to take pills for headache. She was about to get out, but she heard her name.

— You saw this Yuta’s wife?

— Yup, and I thought what the fuck is wrong with Yuta, he fucked half of girls in his friends clubs and now he is married, fucked up isn’t it?

— Exactly! He was fuck devil and now got married.

— Maybe he doesn’t love her. He fucked with Jungsoo month ago.

 Momentaly she felt a little stomach ache. She knew that he can do this, but she had a little hope that he didn’t.

— By the way, I thought god of sex would date some kind of goddes and here we are this.

— Damn, shut the fuck up.  —  She laugh  — You are jelous, right? She is fuckin pretty. Every girl here is jelous because of her look. 

— Damn it, yes, but we should act unbothered.

— Yes, she should know her place.

 Yuta told her many times that she should proved another women where is their places. She felt a bit of confidence so she left cabin and with smile walk trough the mirror. She corrected her lips and look into eyes of this girl. They look a little bit scared, that she hear everything.

— You don’t have to act unbothered, if you know that I’m pretty just leave this like this and let’s not behave like bitches.

 They nodded, say silent sorry and leave the toilet. When she was about to do the same, she saw a woman.

— It was kinda funny.

— Excuse me, but who are you? And yes, it was, thank you.

— Moon Jihyun, I’m Taeil’s wife. I know I look older, but fuck this that I’m three years older.

— Soyeon Nakamoto, Yuta’s wife.

— Don’t be bother because of them, this was Katherine Doyoung’s girlfriend and Minsoo, Ten girlfriend. They are just for some time I guess. Boys doesn’t like long term relatonships.

— Thank you for advice. I shouldn’t go out and said th —

— What? Nope! You did great! At your place I will do the same! You showed them their place and you did this with class, I like you.

— O thank you, that;s so nice! I like you too.

— C’mon, give me your phone number and maybe we can hang out together, are you in?

— Ofcourse, I am!

 She gave her phone number and together they came back to their seats. Jihyun did a little bit twist and change seats with Jungwoo, so now Taeil sits next to Yuta, and Jihyun sits next to Soyeon.

— I know. It’s always hard at the begginig. This full mafia family, but remember we all family right now. I will make sure to make more female nights, so we can know each other better and comfort. Belive me, not evey girl are bitches like this two.

— It’s nice from you, thank you! Thanks to you I feel more comfortable than before.

— No need to thank you. It was my pleasure to met you, Soyeon.

 Both of them were there till midnight. They decided to leave, because Yuta was tired and Soyeon have to go with him no matther what she likes it or not. They be in his card and he couldn’t stop smile.

— Somethings happend? You look so happy.

— No, I’m just glad that you feel comfortable and that you likes our noona Jihyun.

— I have question and I don’t know if I should ask you about this, because I did something wrong yesterday, but..

— Don’t be shy. Go ahead and ask me.

— Could we act like really marriage? I know that you likes another women and you had sex with them, it’s okay. But can you act like my husband? If yes I could finally look at you as my husband not as killer.

 At this words his jaw drop. Why she knows about women? After news that he gonna be hers husband he didin’t meet with any other girl. But it’s hurt him a little, that she think about him as some fuck boy, but also he was happy that she wanted to look at him as her husband.

— Ey, I haven’t met with any other woman since I met you.  — He smiled  — We can try, we should start act like marriage.

-------

 They were in their bedroom. Both in pajamas. Both smiling. Yuta even forget about what Soyeon did and was smiling. Soyeon was about to fall asleep, but Yuta catches her attention.

— Can I hug you?

— Ofcourse, you can.

 Both of them smiled, and Yuta put his arm around Soyeon and first time since very long time he falls asleep with smile on his lips. First time since very long time Soyeon feels again safe.

#nct #nct 127 #nct 127 au #nct au #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #nct ang #nct angst #nct angst au #korea #kpop #kpop au #kpop smut #mafia #mafia au #kpop mafia au #nct mafia #nct mafia au #yuta smut #yuta #yuta scenarios #yuta nakamoto #taeil #johnny #taeyong #doyoung #winwin #jaehyun #jungwoo #mark

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #298

“i don’t like what i am becoming  /  wish i could just feel something”

Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Do you wear necklaces or earrings more? Just my tragus piercing, really. I only ever wear a necklace sometimes if I'm taking a "nice" picture. Rings or bracelets? I currently don't wear any bracelets, but I do always have one ring on. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Is your current crush younger than you? By just a couple years. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? Yes; he's very tan, especially his arms from being a mailman. Ranch or barbeque sunflower seeds? I don't like sunflower seeds. Do you know the first five books of the Bible in order? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nah, they're not my thing. Do you believe being gay is a choice or a "disorder"? Neither; I believe it's a genetic mutation. It defies biology and the very motive for life, but I always say that a mutation does not, in any way, equate to "wrong." I am extremely adamantly pro-gay rights and bisexual myself, so I can't shit-talk it. What are some of your favourite sounds? Crunching leaves, rain gently tapping on windows, windchimes, birdsong... mainly nature sounds. There are others, I'm just blanking right now. Are you a warm weather or cold weather person? Cold, 100%. What time do you wake up? What for? This spans over a massive gap, honestly... I can wake up as early as 5 or as late as 9:30. Most often, it's pretty early, and I call that my "trial" of being awake, lol... because I will almost without fail go back to sleep for a couple more hours. Hell, that happens even if I sleep on the later side. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? I used to do that in middle and maybe some of high school, I think; I'd fall asleep with my iPod on and earbuds in. I haven't done that in a very long time, though. Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had bad taste in music? ... Yes? Their taste in music has nothing to do with them as a person???? Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? No, and it's best I don't. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, and that's how I found out I'm far from a lightweight. I wasn't going to drink more than I actually wanted to drink just to get wasted. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yeah. Who is the last child you held? My youngest niece. Have you ever woken up not knowing where you were? Maybe for a few moments after my surgery? I don't really recall. When is the last time you made the wrong choice in anything? Every fucking day when I decide what to do with my time. What is the most interesting thing in the room you are in? My snake, I guess. She's a champagne morph ball python. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first? I put on soap first. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance? Probably when Mom literally dragged me home after I tried to walk to Jason's to talk the night of the breakup. I lost my fucking mind. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? I don't think I have any. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. I hate Pepsi. What is better: cute smile, or amazing eyes? A cute smile. What song are you listening to? "Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek" by Blue October is on currently. Name your best friend(s): Sara. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nope. Last night you felt? I wasn't suicidal, but still kinda wanted to die lmao. Do you still watch Disney channel? No. How do you like your eggs? I only enjoy them scrambled, and preferably with cheese. What’s your all-time favorite song? "False Flags" by Massive Attack. If you could be any TV character, who would you be and why? Idk, I don't watch TV enough. Maybe Donna from That '70s Show. Very strong and independent, outspoken, and not to mention she has great taste. I find her to be a good female character to look up to. Do you ever come up with really good ideas for stories or movies? Do you do anything with them? Yeah; I'll try to integrate them into RP characters and plots. What sort of things do you post on your Tumblr? Vintage photos, screen caps, girly things? It's a Markiplier cesspit lmao. Sometimes I'll reblog shit I find funny. I've been very inactive on it, though. Have you ever had a dream that you couldn’t shake, even for days after you woke up? Oh yes. When was the last time you felt like a nuisance, or unwanted? Recently, I'm sure. When was the last time your dreams were crushed, or at least hindered? I dunno. How’s school going? I'm not in school. Are you angry at anyone right now? Myself. The last person to say they loved you? Mom. When is the last time you laughed hard? Hard? I'm really not sure. Are there any words on your shirt? No, it's just a blank black tank. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. Do you tell your parents everything? No. Do you get bored easily? I'm bored to the point of thinking being dead would be more fun at some point almost every day. I have anhedonia badly. I'm honestly starting to think I've over-medicated to a numbing degree so am trying to wean off some things. Have you ever burned someone's picture? No. How long was your last nap? Maybe three hours? I was really, really tired, though. Can you name the last time you felt happy? Probably when Sara and I talk-talked for the first time in a while. When was the last time you played with sidewalk chalk? Oh, I have zero clue. Probably not since I was a kid. Do you have friends obsessed with World of Warcraft? Bro wtf don't @ me. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. Have you ever told someone you hated them? The only time I've seriously said that was to my dad before we reconciled after the divorce. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to? I actually don't remember... Favorite thing to do on Facebook? See The Memes. Do you wear flip flops, regardless of weather, all the time? I SAID don't @ me. What is in store for your future? I both do and don't want to know. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. I adore bats. Do you chew on straws? No. Do you have any trophies? Yeah. Who’s the last person that creeped you out? Some guy who walked into the store I was at with Mom, continuously looking back and forth. Would you believe an ex if she/he said they love you? Well, that would depend on the person. Have you ever been kissed in the rain? Yeah. Anything exciting happening soon? My half-sister and her kids are visiting tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's a surprise for Mom. Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? You could say these surveys kinda are. I don't have a designated "diary," though. When was the last time you took a painkiller? What was it for and did it work? I had womanly issues a few days back, and yeah, it helped. Have you ever had to go and rescue someone because their car broke down? When was the last time that happened? I mean, I've driven /with/ Mom to do so. I myself don't drive. What’s one sweet/candy you miss from your childhood? Is this item something you can still buy or has it been discontinued? Y'all remember Baby Bottle Pops??? 'Cuz I do, and I love those fuckin things. I still see them sometimes in gas stations. When was the last time you used some kind of moisturiser? A few days back for my hands. They were painfully dry. If you’re under lockdown/stay at home orders at the moment, are you struggling or managing okay? A bitch is s t r u g g l i n g. Has anything positive come out of the pandemic for you? Fuck no. Do you wear a watch? Is it analogue/digital? Does it it have things like a step-counter in it? No. Do you have any gifts from Christmas that you still haven’t opened or used? Not used, yes. Well, then some things are still in their boxes, but they're unwrapped. Do you know how to tie a tie? If so, who taught you? No. Who was your last missed call from? Did you ring that person back? Some number I didn't recognize, so no. When was the last time you had some kind of problem with your internet connection? Is this something that happens often? A few days back. It has occasional instances where it'll go out but come back on shortly. Do you have a favourite celebrity chef? No. Do you prefer pizza or pasta? Pizza. Have you ever volunteered anywhere before? What was the reason behind doing so? Once at PetSmart when they had dogs to adopt out, which was for school volunteer hours. I spent time with them, giving them attention and taking them outside. I also had two other animal-related volunteer days, but each was only a few hours because my fucking weak-ass body couldn't handle them. Have you ever been truly obsessed with something? What was it and how did you come to feel that way? I have an incredibly obsessive personality; I could probably name near on a dozen or so things I've been genuinely obsessed with. I don't know what it means to love in moderation. Some are/were pleasant obsessions, some aren't/weren't. Does it bother you when people turn up at your house without asking or waiting to be invited? Yes. Are you taller or shorter than average height? I'm the average for an American woman. Do you have any family members whose beliefs or ways of life completely embarrass you? YUP YUP YUP YUP. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? I don't know. Have you ever injured anyone in self-defense? No. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? In relation to its portion sizes, oatmeal or eggs. I can't have a whole lot of either. I wouldn't say I eat either a lot, but oatmeal is more common. Have you ever heard people talking badly about you behind your back? Did you confront them about it? Yes, and in at least two instances. Do you consider “home” to be the place you were born, or is it somewhere you create for yourself? I consider it to be my childhood home; not the one I was actually born in, but only because I was way too young to remember and we only lived there like, maybe two years into my life. Have you ever experienced having to leave your home due to a fire, or due to the threat of fire? No, thankfully. When was the last time you felt you were in a dangerous situation? When we had a serious tornado warning Christmas Eve. Yes. In winter. Are there any superstitions that you believe in? Which ones and what are your reasons for doing so? No. Are there any series of books/films that you never finished - either because you got bored of waiting or just lost interest? Oh, I'm sure. I Wouldn't say I lost interest in a lot though, I just wasn't interested enough, like for The Hunger Games. Which theme park is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Like, just one. Do you eat healthy? I try to be, at least. Though I've been doing very poorly about it lately because I'm a emotional goddamn eater and am having a very hard time. Do/did your parents fight often? They're divorced for a reason. Do YOU fight with them often? No. Would you say that you're respectful? I hope so. Are you a fan of Green Day? Yeah, I love them. Would you rather have 4 kids at one time or never have a kid? Jesus Christ, never. I don't want any anyway. Do you think 'friends with benefits' relationships really ever work? No. Do you or have you ever known a drug addict? Yes. Do you turn off the water while brushing your teeth or leave it on? I always turn it off. No reason to waste it. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Lots, if you include my half-siblings. Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? I tend to find them cute. What's your homepage when you bring up the internet? Google. Was the last book you read for fun or was it for some type of assignment? It was for fun. Have you ever dated someone you met online? Yes. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Depends on who's asking. Do you own any band tees? Oh, I have lots. Off the top of my head, some that I frequently wear are Metallica, Otep, and Korn. Do you know someone who wears a wig? No. Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks? I don't think so. What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any? I strongly prefer the Olive Garden kind, but I also enjoy ranch. What genre of music do you listen to the most? Metal of some sort. Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you? No. Do you personally know any cops? No. How many different colleges have you gone to? Three. How much stress can you handle? Not much at all. How confident are you in achieving your dreams? I ain't got the slightest clue by this point in my life. What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? There's a lot of things, most bad, some good. Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? A lot. Do you like looking at pictures? It depends on what's in them. Specifically pictures from my past, that's usually a big no. Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I guess in very vague ways. Which family member do you get along with the most? Well, define "get along with." I by far have the strongest relationship with my mom, but we fight sometimes. As for who I stay on the most stable ground with, that's probably my dad. Would you ever be able to become a vegan? I know I couldn't, but I'd love to. How did you meet your newest friend? Who even IS my newest friend... Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? No, and I think it's an awful fucking idea for a television show. Put a spotlight on and money into teen pregnancy, yeah, that's a genius plan. Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I wouldn't be. Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I don't need to. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? No. Have you ever been called a tease? Yeah. Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? No. Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No? What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I probably told my nephew Ryder he was a good brother. Was one of your grandpas in a war? Maybe? Idk. I never knew either well at all. Have you screamed in a pillow before? Yes. What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Electric. Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? No. What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed. Do you still consider Pluto a planet? Yes. Didn't they reinstate it as one, anyway? Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? What's lower than "low?"

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''i am machine'' by three days grace

[lesbianbruabba]

Answer all the qs! Unless theres any you don’t want to do

Mobile so these are ugly sowwy

1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Well I just spent my night watching exurb1a that p much explains it

2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes?

3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I’m pro legalization but if it’s an addiction obviously I’d try and prevent further damage. If it’s well controlled i don’t mind.

4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

I trust too easily so yeah

5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Watching exurb1a, or wanking, or looking at takeouts on Deliveroo

6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my brother or one of my best friends

7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Cry

8:Are you close with your dad?

Fairly close imo. But we have a lot of opposing views and I have to try and overlook those.

9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

No?

10:What are you listening to?

Magic by Coldplay @samrull can suck my dick

11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Cum fanta lemon

12:Do you like hickeys?

YES unless they’re on my boobs then NO bc I used to have like massive ones and I couldn’t sleep on my back

13:What time do you go to bed?

Hahahhahahahaaha you must be new here

14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My mother

15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Yea

16:Do you always answer your texts?

Most of the time unless I’m tired

17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

No

18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Like a few minutes ago with Iza bc I pester her a lot

19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

My little brother and all my best friends

20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I went to bed yesterday morning but my last thought was ‘I love Tom Holland’

21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

No. I don’t think so

22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

No

23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Yes. On the 30th December I was probably hanging out with my brother.

24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

A few. Some are beyond repair, others are just lost chances.

25:In the past week, have you cried?

Lmao. Yeah. A lot.

26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

White with pink and blue argyle patterns

27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

No. I would hate that

28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Probably? Idk

29:Do you have a best friend?

I have 7 bitch

30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

No

31:Who was your last call/text message from?

Iza

32:Are you mad at anyone?

Yeah. Pro lifers.

33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

23? Idk I don’t remember

35:How many more days until your birthday?

Like 3 months minus a bit.

36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Yeah! I’m going to Poland with my mum. Then I’m going home and going to suffer in the HK heat.

37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yes. Two, one is my brother.

38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

No. I’m an open book lol

39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

I don’t think so??

40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No

41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

Depends on the age gap and the ages of the parties involved

42:Are you available?

Yes

43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

1 or 2

44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Nose ring but not septum. On the side of my nose

45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes if they put effort into it

46:Do you regret anything?

A lot.

47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Turbulent is such a good song also I want thanos to raw me

48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

I’ve ghosted a best friend if that counts bc she’s toxic as fuck

49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

No

50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Bc they don’t like me back lmao and also ‘pursuing’ sounds kind of predatory??

51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Not really

53:What was the last thing you ate?

A weird cake that was sweet but I couldn’t pinpoint the flavor

54:Did you get any compliments today?

Yes

55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

June to Poland

56:Do you own anything from other countries?

Yeah I have dolls from Belgium and Poland and Japan and also some trinkets from other places

57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

The majority are girls

58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Tseung kwan o

59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

I don’t drive :D

60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

No

61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No! I’m a good girl uwu

62:Who do you text the most?

Probably Iza

63:What was the last movie you saw?

Endgame but it’s a bad stream of it

64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Don’t have one

65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

No. You asked this question earlier

67:Do you curse around your parents?

Hell nah they’d ground me even though I’m nineteen

68:Are you happy with where you live?

Not really but it’s okay

69:Picture of yourself?

70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Personally I’m monogamous

71:Have you ever been dumped?

No

72:What do you most like about making out?

It’s hot

73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Yes

74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Both?

75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Face

76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Iza or my brother’s gf

77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No

78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

No

79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Dogs

80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

NOPE

81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

No lol have you seen what I look like

82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Depends on who the crush is and who I tell. Usually I tell my brother and maaaaaybe some of my more sensible friends

83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

???????????

84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

Uhh never. I wish I did though that sounds cool

85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Nope

86:How can I win your heart?

Make me a playlist and be honest with me. Also be funny

87:What is your astrological sign?

Leo but I’m more of a cancer

88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating my takeout and watching exurb1a

89:Do you cook?

I make a good risotto and also potato dauphinois. But otherwise no

90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Don’t got one

91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Hells yeah @wlw hit me up

92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

The latter

93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

A nice face. I like older blondes when it comes to women and less muscley men. Generally for everyone, the more feminine the better.

94:Name four things that you wish you had!

Bigger eyes, a boney figure, fluency in all languages, more brain cells

95:Are you a player?

I play the ukulele

96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No

97:Are you a tease?

I plead the fifth

98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Yeah a few and they were all v sweet gals

99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

I don’t know

100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah

101:Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs!!!!

102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I don’t think so

103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes

104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yes!! And I call everyone that except my brother he’s dickhead

105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

No!!

106:Do you flirt a lot?

Depends on who you are and how well you know me

107:Your last kiss?

Last year

108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

No

109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Lmao no

110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

One of the people I’m crushing on probably. Or Zach Grace

111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

No, that’s an interesting question though.

112:Does someone like you currently?

Probably not. Again, refer to picture of me

113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah I always fuckin do

114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious relationships

115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Yes

116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Well I’ve only experienced the former so

Thanks for the questions sorry they’re ugly im also ugly but I’m sure u arent

#answered #anon

[kelpiemomma]

Important Facts for Writing Horses

Bc my pet peeve is unrealistic horses since I’ve known so many at this point. This by no means is a 100% accurate guide, but the majority of horses you will meet will follow the following facts.

1. They’re not very loud unless it’s time to eat. My horse will make maybe two noises a year, unprompted. 9/10 horses will not make whinny when you kick them. They might grunt, if you gave them a solid kick, but they’re not gonna whinny. They’re most likely not gonna whinny when you ride them. And most horses I’ve known, even when getting shots or being in some sort of pain, have been completely silent. The only horse I’ve ever heard make noise when in pain was my week old baby, and that was the saddest, most pathetic, most pissed off noise I’ve ever heard.

2. They will make noise if they’re lonely. They don’t make a lot of noise, you’re most likely not gonna go out in a pasture of horses and hear them talking to each other, but if you separate one from the herd they might call back. Or if you have 3 horses and take 2, the one left behind will call for the two that are leaving. If you have 4 horses, take the 2 that one is bonded with, it will still call because it’s family is leaving. 

3. It is possible to literally run a horse into the ground and kill it with exhaustion. However, it’ll depend on the endurance, stamina, and training of the horse. A horse trained for endurance rides that’s about 8 to 12 years old will probably last longer than my out of shape 20 year old.

4. Them tripping is not a guaranteed leg break. Possible, yes, but I’ve been on a couple horses (older guys) who have happened to trip and either fall completely down, or simply fallen to their knees, gotten up, and continued on. Yes, horses are fragile, but if you hear about a horse breaking it’s leg it is likely because it’s being run too hard, too young, or through a traumatic accident (stepping in a hole, failing to properly land a jump, even turning too hard)

5. Horses don’t have heart attacks like we know them. I learned this from an actual vet. If a horse has a heart attack, they will 100% die, because their heart essentially bursts. It happened to two horses in under a week where I live in November, both of them well-maintained athletes. Heart attacks can be a freak occurrence.

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO KICK HORSES TO GET THEM TO MOVE QUICKLY. It irritates the shit out of me to see movies and video games where the person gets on the horse and auto-kicks it to get it to move off. You know what that’s gonna get you? Thrown off the horse from the acceleration. The proper way to get a horse to move fast quickly is to give it a firm squeeze- if it’s trained for it. I can hop on my horse and kick him all day long and, to be quite honest, he’ll more than likely ignore my legs (he was a lesson horse before we got him- that was over 8 years ago, but he maintains a steel side when he puts his mind to it). Horses that run barrels, run poles, or are used for any sort of steer sport will be moving forward quickly using a firm press of legs. Why? Because kicking hugely unbalances you.This woman 

is a professional barrel racer, but you know what’s keeping her on that horse? The reins and the saddle horn. I have absolutely seen people slide off the back of their horse because they had no grip with their legs. It’s hilarious.

7. Horses don’t NEED bits or shoes, they’re just most common. Bits are put in the mouth for more direct contact, which means your hands have to know what they’re doing. Any bit can hurt a horse- CAN, not WILL. I’ve seen and heard about people doing fucked up things to their horse’s face with hackamores and bitless bridles. Shoes can be a help or a hindrance to your horse. Living where I do (very hard, very rocky, very dry ground) my horse cannot be without shoes. I tried for four years. My mother’s mare, who came out of South Dakota just last year, does not need them and so far shows no signs of needing them. The most important thing is to pay attention to your horse and what they’re telling you with their body. 

8. 99% of riding is body cues. Whether its your hands, seat, or legs, you hardly ever will use your voice. It’s not allowed in most competitions, so while they might use vocal cues in training, and you might use them on a trail ride, most people are pretty silent when they ride and focus on their body. The order of importance for riding is: seat, legs, hands. 

9. Stallions are not majestic. Geldings are not majestic. Mares are not majestic. Horses are fucking stupid and I love them. Stallions will spook at just about anything and will fight fences. Geldings will try to mount a mare over that fence and get stuck (nice fucking job, Chief). Mares, when in season, can squirt up to like 15 feet. It’s disgusting, and I’ve seen it. 

10. Stallions can be turned out together so long as there are no mares around. I know people that have a couple stallions and keep them turned out together, but they’re well away from any mares. Stallions will fight to the death over mares.

11. Sometimes geldings are proud-cut, or cryptorchids, so they might still have testosterone running through their system.

12. Look, if you want a steady ride, mares are your best bet. I love my gelding to pieces, I am blessed I’ve never owned a stallion, but once you bond with a mare she will go through heaven and hell for you. They are, most often, the most steady, most well-behaved, and the ones who will teach you the most. They say you can ask a stallion, tell a gelding, but you have to discuss it with a mare. The majority of the mares I’ve known will absolutely kick ass and take names before breakfast. I love mares.

13. Stereotypes to keep in mind: Arabian horses are proud, skittish, and have gorgeous gaits. Thoroughbreds are skittish, stupid, and excellent runners. Quarter horses could have a bomb go off next to them and maybe yawn a little. Paint horses are the best (that’s not a stereotype, that’s just a fact)

14. like 90% of grey horses will develop non-malignant carcinoma, which is a type of cancer. It can grow just about anywhere on the body (I’ve seen it, personally, on heads, penises, sheaths, and vulvas/anuses). I’ve heard they can even be inside the horse.

15. Colic is the universal term for belly-ache. Horses can’t throw up, their digestive track won’t allow it. Therefore, anything that bothers their belly can make them colic. It can be as mild as dehydration or constipation (I’ve witnessed the first, dealt with the last), as stupid as the weather changing (dealt with that, too), or it could be an abdominal blockage (yep, discovered that one, saved that horse’s life), or a twisted gut. The regular signs of colic are disinterest in food or water, kicking at the belly, or excessive rolling. It could also just be lethargy, or laying down and getting up. A good sign something is going on in their belly is to check the bit of skin between their belly and their flank- it should be a bit squishy, kind of like poking your forearm or bicep. If it’s hard at all, call a vet.

16. I’ve literally never, in all the colics I’ve dealt with and seen, seen a horse bleed from its nostrils. If your horse is bleeding from its nostrils enough to be noticeable, like it’s dripping, get a vet out there ASAP bc something is WRONG.

17. Riding tips: heels down, head up, back like a lady, hips like a whore.

18. Bonding with a horse is not an instant thing. It takes time. It took my gelding and I about two or three years to really start to bond. It took my filly and I about five or six months, mostly because she’s an absolute blank slate and I’ve seen her almost every day of her life. More than likely, there will not be an instant click with a horse. It’s a relationship. It’s needing to know who is the leader. It’s building trust. It’s understanding HOW your horse is, how they think, how they behave to certain stimulus. I have had my horse 8 years now and I fully understand that he is not a rock solid horse. He will never pull anything, he’s afraid of white things, he’s afraid of poles being lifted up off the ground, he’s distrustful about tarps, if I lift up the tractor tires I will only get him through them if I basically light a fire under his ass- I know him, what he can do, and what his quirks are. I’ve been on him when he spooked twice in under ten minutes at someone dumping poop almost three or four hundred feet away. Absolutely nothing to do with him, but it scared him anyway. I’ve spent eight years with him, he knows and trusts me, but I also know there are limits to what he is able to do because that is how he is and I respect that.

19. Horses will spook at a variety of things. Simon might spook at anything that moves. He’s mostly thoroughbred, so I love to blame it on that (don’t get me wrong, I love TBs, but their brains are often fried and need some time to decompress) but I also don’t know his full history. 

Things Simon has spooked at include:  -A closed door -That door opening -A table -A pole on the ground (white) -A pole on the ground (green) -Walking next to a roll top (a rolling jump, ours is green and white) -A stationary trash cash -Someone dumping poop a few hundred feet away -His supplements being shaken in their bucket -HIS OWN GODDAMN PENIS HITTING HIS LEG (my favorite Simon story and I fuckin love telling it) -The wind -???something in the wash??? apparently? the tree is moving, who fuckin knows. -A miniature horse -A miniature donkey -Tractor tires laying on the ground (in his defense, he’s too lazy to pick his feet up and has consistently dragged that tire towards him and tried to break his legs) -???idk i asked him for the canter v politely and he just flipped his shit and took off??? -a bug buzzing like 10 feet overhead. that same bug then proceeded to try and brain itself on Simon’s head and he didn’t flinch. -his own hay being carried out to him.

He’s dumb. I love him.

Things my mom’s mare has spooked at include: -Someone driving by with a broken trailer on their quad -Our quad for maybe 3 days after we first got her -the sound of a whip overhead (reasonable) -our 15 year old dog (too quiet, she didn’t like dogs back then either) -me, bc she stepped on my foot (made eye contact, stepped on me, and twisted as she ran off) and I was Pissed

My 7 month old filly has spooked at: -a child running towards her -a miniature horse Horses are dumb prey animals and I love them.

tbh that’s all i can think of right now. i’ll list more when i read or see something that ticks me off uvu

[trashylvania]

Great i got my EKG results back from my latest ER visit, and apparently i’ve developed left ventricular hypertrophy, which means that the left portion of the heart muscles responsible for pumping my blood are thickening/enlarging because my heart is working rly hard to beat for some reason 😭 it causes the exact symptoms that keep sending my ass to the ER (significant chest pain w/ a weird distinctive squeezing sensation when the heart beats, dizziness, difficulty breathing, faintness, getting rly tired even when i ain’t doin shit) which, when it worsens, strongly resembles a heart attack, esp bc the blood flow to my left arm gets reduced and causes weakness.

apparently i’m getting closer and closer to a heart attack as this progresses… my risk for stroke (my genes rly favor strokes more than any other infarction) as well as my risk for wild & scary shit like cardiac arrest 😓😓😓

i have none of the conventional risk factors that cause this condition; my blood pressure only ranges between low to optimal, i’m young, i’m not overweight, i don’t have sleep apnea… the only things left are genetics or a mystery medical condition causing it. while i smoke, smoking, in this context, is discouraged bc it can contribute to high blood pressure (which i don’t have.) so that’s not actually impacting this, and if it were truly an urgent/serious problem, my docs would scream at me to quit. but at my age, the damage caused is minimal, and smoking is the least of my problems… it’s acknowledged that while quitting would be great in general, i would still be just as sick as i am now.

now i need to get another echo done, esp bc i haven’t gotten one since i was put on my meds. i’m getting closer to ironically developing the heart failure my meds were created to treat… at 26 years old. the catheterization procedure my heart doc wanted to do wouldn’t solve this issue, my meds are losing control over my arrhythmia now so my heart is starting to speed up again, and somehow my heart is still straining to beat/ causing my heart muscles to thicken to keep up despite the fact that my heart rate WAS controlled very well until recently. even still, my heart rate doesn’t go that far past 130bpm in crisis scenarios, and is only grazing tachy state these days at 100-110bpm. b4 meds, the heart monitor i wore for a week as i went about my day showed that my heart was consistently RAGING at 150-170bpm… that is a CRITICAL, DANGEROUS heart rate in a clinical situation and is considered an emergency. i was just walking around like that, albeit barely. i could hardly breathe back then or even minimally exert myself without risking collapse. i was stuck in bed unless stubbornness led me to fight my way thru going out to run errands or whatever with family. i couldn’t go out alone bc i couldn’t manage and it was too risky to try, but i still made it to doctor appointments.

these days, i’m returning to feeling like death again, just not as debilitated as b4 thx to my meds. like, i’m legit lucky to be here… my heart doc was in shock when he got my monitor results and called me in asap; he wanted to go thru with the procedure right away, but i’m scared that i have V-EDS (as opposed to the less-horrible current dx of H-EDS) bc my family history shows a definite possibility thx to my own research. i’ve slept hard on getting the test bc any hope i have of receiving p much any kind of lifesaving surgery i could ever need is extinguished… i have a distinctly high risk of bleeding out, bc V-EDS already carries a bleed-out risk even with going about my daily life. the catheterization procedure is largely safe and minimally invasive for most ppl, but if i have vascular EDS, the risk of threading a catheter thru my ARTERY is kinda like poking a sleeping giant; nicking an artery could result in an unprecedented level of bleeding, possibly enough to rly fuck me up. i hesitate to go as far as to say ‘it could kill me lmao’ bc i rly don’t want to think about that shit, but it’s not impossible. V-EDS is rare wild shit 👀

also, my sick ass is going for 5000 medical tests on Wednesday; i’m getting a shit ton of blood drawn to test for everything causing my other (non-cardiac) symptoms, bc my heart isn’t a sufficient insult to my health on its own. a distinctly frightening, actual, not exaggerated by my anxiety possibility is that i have lymphoma. seriously. my primary doc warned me about this, using the word 'lymphoma,’ and consulted with an oncologist contact asking when is soonest i can be tested, since i was given prednisone last Wednesday when i was rushed to the ER from radiology bc i had an allergic reaction to the MRI contrast dye (that i’d tolerated in the past, but i guess my body wanted to suddenly complicate shit for no reason.) i’m frequently referred to as 'really sick,’ but it doesn’t fully register; i’m like constantly maintaining some low-level dissociation from it despite being so immersed in it. i tell myself shit like 'rly sick ppl can’t go to class like i am’ even tho i’ve had no choice but to drop this semester (there goes that sweet shred of denial i was clinging to!) and i barely dragged myself thru last semester. like, i can go out to accompany family with running errands (it’s sometimes the most 'going out’ i can manage, provided i sit in the car most of the time, which has become a source of fun for me, idc how 'sad’ it might sound) or take myself out to the doctor. sometimes i can tidy up a bit and do some organizing, but that’s far and few in between. washing my face and hair is forced, and if it’s accomplished, it’s a 'good day.’ crafting is only possible occasionally, when my brain isn’t super foggy, but my heart is kinda holding me up from it altogether lately 😣

yesterday, after another refreshing blast of radiation from the x-ray i got in the ER, i felt amazing. i found new jams to listen to, had a nice shower/washed my hair and face, made coherent 'to-do’ lists, helped my husband pack for his flight 2day, made him a mixtape of like 90 (mostly new) songs i found so he’d have something to listen to on the plane, managed to eat a substantial meal, and even put nice lotion on (which was admittedly a struggle thx to my heart, so i was kinda lightheaded and breathless the whole time, but i smell nice so it was worth it 😎😎😎)

2day, on the other hand, is full of hideous fatigue again, lots of time in bed, pain back at full force, the fun of only being either extremely overheated or covering myself in literally 5 or more blankets, and the lowkey growing disappointment that i might not accomplish anything (no matter how minor) on my relatively modest 'to-do’ list… even tho i have the spirit and mental motivation to do it. if my heart won’t cooperate, it makes everything either an agonizing struggle or turns most of my attempts to do something more worthwhile/fulfilling into almost instant defeat. even tho i’m extremely stubborn and push myself well past my limits just to maintain even a minimally recognizable version of my normal life.

like, it’s shocking how much of an effect the radiation has on me, bc it’s the only variable that’s changed from usual; if i get out of the ER without radiation, i’m even more exhausted the next day, so it’s not i’m invigorated by the 'peace of mind’ that i *didn’t* have a heart attack bc i still have new & unresolved heart shit regardless which certainly doesn’t bring me any sense of peace lmao. when i got spine scans, i felt so good that i actually 4got to take my pain meds for like 2 days afterward. that’s fuckin amazing. after that tho i promptly returned to my usual exhausted, complaining, pained state of seemingly perpetual walking death in which i feel like i’m going to collapse if i do anything requiring even minor physical exertion. it’s kinda weird, and i haven’t found much of anything expanding on this phenomenon in any medical journals or forums that concern my known illnesses. i’m supposing if this could be due to either of the disease groups on the table for me: autoimmune diseases & cancers. lymphoma is making an unfortunately strong case, but would it improve with the small burst of radiation from an x-ray? if so, it seems like it could be pretty treatable in my case, esp if i’m dealing with aggressive & fast-growing lymphoma, which is actually considered to be very curable. it would be the first and only condition of mine that’s actually curable.

the others that remain a possibility are sarcoidosis, which would be systemic for me but still usually affects the lungs to some degree, which is visible on a chest x-ray, which i’ve been receiving… i’d imagine the ER docs would’ve caught it. then again, ER docs are primarily concerned w/ shit that’s acutely life-threatening and tend to avoid dealing with chronic issues. considering the incredible chaos on the floor that night, i could easily see how they’d set that kind of thing to the side for a specialist to deal with.

weirdly, right b4 the ER doc told me that he got my x-ray and that there was no pulmonary embolism like we’d already figured, i could’ve SWORN i’d heard the x-ray guy hand over my x-ray to the ER doc, who spent a while appreciating something unusual on it in hushed voices with sum1 who sounded like my nurse… i could’ve sworn i’d heard the word 'sarcoidosis’ (which is kinda hard to mis-hear) but he could’ve been talking about anybody there i guess. ER docs who find sarcoidosis in patients’ xrays will disregard it if it’s asymptomatic, which about half of the cases are i think. i was there for my heart, but since cardiac sarcoidosis is v rare and a mess for anybody other than a specialist, i could imagine that being put aside for my team to handle in a clinical setting. ER docs are hesitant to bring up stuff like that bc if it’s incorrect (or in the many sarcoidosis cases, it’s asymptomatic and harmless,) it could greatly and unnecessarily alarm an already frightened patient, which would be detrimental. since sarcoidosis is chronic and progresses slowly, it’s realistically not rly gonna worsen much in the time it takes to reach a specialist within a week or so; it can wait for a specialist to take the time required to examine the possibility of the disease and any treatments required. so idk, maybe it was about me; if so, i won the bet jokingly made between me & my primary doc on what bizarre diagnosis i have while we’re waiting for all this bloodwork shit to move the differential forward lmao. i guess we’ll see 😓

but i think that’s p much everything i’m dealing with rn, i’m numb to so much of it tbh but it helps to write it out and put everything into context, and it’s a small accomplishment for the day.

sry 4 the long posts lately lmao 😧 i’m gonna get back to netflix as usual (i’m watchin 'monkey life’ rn, it’s rly cute and thankfully keeping me occupied lmao) 🐒💖

thx 4 reading any part of this massive wall of text lmao 💖💛💚💙💜

#trash.txt #long-ass post #chronic illness stuff #the cardiac adventure continues #ehlers danlos syndrome #badheartsclub #heart problems #spoonie life #i'd like to add that i'm also rly thankful for everybody and all yr awesome input and advice!!! #y'all keep me goin too and that's been rly encouraging and helpful #even if i'm feelin too shitty to respond to everything i still read it all and it truly helps.. trust #but damn this post was way longer than i'd originally intended... it's like a chapter of a novel or some shit lmao

[sublimemessenger]

i fucked up my own social life

so y’all know how i spent a few years in virtual online school right???? anyways, that fucked up what social skills i had built for myself prior and increased my anxiety by like 432%. then bc i was fed up, i returned to public school november 2015 and it was shit beginning, but i rebuilt an image for myself and got more comfortable being around people everyday, presenting things, getting called on, having one on one grade discussions,,,, all that. then i got a stupid traumatic brain injury may 2016 that fucked with decision making, concentration, self control, and some other stuff. fast forward to going back to school, fresh(ish) out of the hospital, ready to go back and slay. i was more confident in acting like i had social skills, so i thought, hey, i’ll see if i know how to make friends this year. i started to in the first few weeks, but then every once in a while, in stupid sleep deprived brain injured impulsive fashion, i’d say or do something impulsively that would make people feel :/ about me. i think i’ve made all my peers hate me. in ASL, I (kinda not really) fucked up a classwide project bc i was so enthusiastic about putting my idea on there. in African American History, I would always go on and on about one topic’s details bc i was passionate about the ideas i was relaying to the class, boring everyone and seeming holier-than-thou bc im decent at writing and conveying my ideas. in geometry (i have this class twice, so i see these people everyday so they catch more fuckups than everyone else) im usually the most tired in this class so i act only on impulse, so i’ve put a paper snowflake on the teacher’s board, cried bc i forgot algebra concepts multiple times, cried bc someone i can hang with had a bad panic attack in the period before that, laughed loud and said “ME” everytime i related to things on funny vids my teacher shows us, overuse the word ass bc of the fact that Angle Side Side postulate doesn’t exist so my teacher would make jokes about A.S.S., seemed almost like a dumb blonde attention whore who found everything funny many times, and the worst: I set a worksheet on fire in class in the first few weeks of school just to represent how pissed i was at it (i only burnt the corner and the teacher never caught me. i don’t defend it, it was impulse, i never thought of repercussions). then in english, i’m a fucking bumbling, forgetful idiot who forgets their phone in the “phone sanctuary” and swears all the time, and never lives up to their potential. in drawing 1, im not so bad bc everyone minds their business, but i was always late and clumsy in the first quarter and first impressions can linger. in chorus, i forget that my skills had receded over the period where i couldnt sing bc i had a neck brace thing on that limited jaw movement and i also became partially deaf, so i would be overconfident or confused sometimes to the point where i decided to audition for a solo but i fucked up bigtime bc holy shit im an alto i could never reach that high. in chemistry, i’d be decent enough if i could concentrate, but i’m boring and always seem to be wanting to be involved in the funny classroom shit and i’m either never there bc appointments or i fall asleep bc sleep deprivation or pure fucking non-concentrated boredom that i can’t change. now, i try so hard not to think out of compulsion and impulse, more so of repercussion, but those first impressions trump my good image that i’d like to project now. nobody remembers the girl who’s got 100s on her midterms and can write a banging essay and can think outside the box to where her answers surprise yet satisfy even the teachers, at least, until they want answers for the quiz or homework. nobody remembers the girl who can and will sing, in love with music and striving to always be better. nobody remembers the girl who sits quietly thinking of her ambitions, her future, who speaks of wanting a better fucking world and system and how everything is fucked to hell right now, but how we should get better to make it better. nobody wants to consider that when all you remember is “that psycho bitch?” “yeah, the retarded one who makes sure the teacher know about her fuckin brain injuries and talks about em all the time and shit...” (true quote, overheard from a group of boys behind me) nobody wants to associate with the psycho, retarded bitch with the brain injuries. it makes sense, but i wish people wouldn’t go on first impressions. because even now, as i was talking about how we need a lot more gun control, somebody came up to me and said “you seem like you would go shoot up a school.” i fucking wouldn’t. my dad threatened to either kill himself or my mom and aunt, so i had to hide the guns in my room. I don’t want to go on that image of the crazy bitch with the brain injuries who cant control her actions because that’s not fucking me. i hate the fact that i never stopped myself when i did the things that made people know to stay away from me. and now i’m worse than i was with square one, as a mature, sensible, mindful, and academically inclined individual with no social skills, struggling to be open to any relations. now i’m short attention spanned, unfocused, idiotic, and impulsive with a fair enough amount of social skills, but no way to attract any relations, even out of my classes. i hate myself a lot. COOL STUFF. im officially at square -14.

#shut up gels