#plus a lot of things probably felt out of mikey's control at that point

[and-stir-the-stars]

you ever think about even though he was teen michael was still a kid? he probably blames himself so much for what happened because in his eyes he was an adult, it doesn't matter to him that he wasnt even out of school yet. he was older than evan and its his own fault for everything that happened.

even is worse is that if William really was a neglectful father and Mrs Afton was also neglectful or just absent/dead, then a lot of the responsibility for caring for his siblings would have fallen on Michael's shoulders. Not only would Michael feel guilty because "I'm older and I should have known better," but because he was Evan's older brother/parental figure and "it was my job to keep him safe."

And Evan and Liz of course know that a lot of the responsibility falls on Michael's shoulder; I reference that a lot in my A Nest Torn Empty verse, in which I have both Liz and Evan refer to Michael as an "adult" who should know what to do and how to keep them safe. Both of them come to think of Michael as an "adult" (which is why Evan saying "you're just a kid too" in the first chapter of Collection is a huge character development moment for him, but i digress).

So, yeah, I do think about Michael feeling guilty over the Bite of '83 because he thinks he should have been an adult in that situation like William/his siblings/the world expected him to be. In the end, though, Mikey WAS just a kid and (in my hc) a kid who was lashing out that he was expected to be an adult in the first place.

#i interpret mikey tormenting evan in fnaf 4 as mikey desperately trying to latch onto any aspect of childhood that he could #an aspect of childhood such as messing with your younger siblings. or doing bad things and not having to face consequences. #plus a lot of things probably felt out of mikey's control at that point #so putting evan in a position where 1) mikey had so much control over him and 2) evan was weaker than mikey #probably felt good to michael #and there was probably an element of ''well i don't feel good so why should evan get to?'' #and of mikey wanting to punish evan for being a reason why mikey has so much responsibility on his shoulders now #instead of just being able to be a kid like all his friends #there's a lot of complicated emotions tied into mike's mistreatment of evan #complicated AND selfish because-- again! mikey is just a kid! even if he's expected to act like an adult #this is a rambly and weird answer but also there was never a direct question in the ask. so. #michael afton #fnaf #mike afton #child neglect

[polyamorous-selfinserts]

case #0091104 - almost dead

trigger warnings: mentions of death, drowning, suicide, cutting, explosions, fire, depression

jon finds a tape in the archives that looks familiar...what will he learn about the archive’s resident teenager?

tagging @astralshipper @shippin-in-the-rain @grimms-heart @ghostlyvenus​ cause i’m super proud of this! 

this takes place during season two, but there’s not any major spoilers. just jon being paranoid, plus mentions of michael becoming the distortion.

Recorder clicks on

Jon: Found this tape under a box in the archives. It’s, uh, it looks like one of Gertrude’s tapes, but the handwriting....that’s Charlie’s I think. I guess I knew sh- they were here before I was, but…

Jon: Could they have killed Gertrude? I suppose it's possible. They would’ve been, what? Thirteen, fourteen?

Jon: I found this about a week ago, and I’ve been watching them. They spend a lot of time in the archives. I don’t think they go home. Come to think of it, I don’t even know where they live. I tried asking Elias - I couldn’t find the information in any of our records - but apparently they don’t work at the Institute. Which is, uh, alarming, to say the least.

Long exhale

Jon: God, I…

Recorder clicks off

Tape player clicks on

A low voice with an American accent. Probably 16-25, female?

Voice: Uh, hello? This is Charlie Finn. I uh...well I guess I’m kind of an archival assistant? Not officially though. Over my dead body, Elias.

Exhale, snort of laughter

Charlie: I’m uh, I’m making a statement, I guess? I think I’m already in more of these than Ger- uh - Gerard, but uh, I’ve never actually made one so…

Rustling of papers

Charlie: Statement of Charlie Finn, regarding...um, their life, almost-death, and subsequent paranormal existence.

Deep inhale

Charlie: So, uh, I uh, I tried to kill myself when I was eleven. Jumped into the Thames tied to a cinder block. Guess I should’ve tied the rope tighter, or maybe skipped swim team, cause the knot came undone. It was cold. Late February. When you’re drowning, you go into a panic - but there’s this point, at the end, where it’s so peaceful...you can almost see it - the end. I don’t remember not dying. I had almost reached that point, where I just...wouldn’t be. And then I was breaking the surface of the water. I - I tried again. Tied the rope tighter. But my hands were shaking so much. I couldn’t tie it fast enough, and dawn was coming. People had started to wake up - I guess one of them saw me jump in this time.

They take a shaky breath

Charlie: I could barely see - the edges of my vision were going - but I fought against his hands. He was an EMT, going in for the early shift. White guy, college age. When he pulled me to the bank of the river, I realized he’d - uh - (humorously) he’d pulled the cinderblock up with him. Couldn’t get the knot undone, I guess, so he just pulled me out, and the block came with it. I think he gave me CPR - not sure, I was kinda out of it. There was a crowd around me when I came to - of course there was, but, uh, they looked so concerned - (huff of laughter) - the ambulance arrived, and they asked all the questions - finally it came to the one I was dreading - my parents.

Charlie: I guess I should back up a bit. Some background info. That’s how these usually start. Um, so my parents are both teachers - we had moved to London when I was maybe ten? Not long before this happened. I hated changing schools, but my parents got really good jobs at some schools - my mom was offered the principal position at a private school - and my dad was offered a position as a child psychologist at some elementary schools. My sister was too young to really get it, but I hated my new school. All the kids were rich - and honestly, I preferred American homophobia. Anyway, this school was maybe five blocks from the Magnus Institute. Or, is. (humorously) It’s not like it’s just gone and disappeared, now is it.

Charlie: Peter Lukas doesn’t like me that much.

Charlie: So, um, yeah. My relationship with my parents has never been great. My mom’s downright emotionally abusive, and my dad...well he just… he doesn’t really have a backbone. My mom’s always been high strung, and I know she wants the best for me, but...the best to her isn’t something I can do. My dad tried his best to defend me against my mom’s criticism, but, I mean, he had his own critique for me.

Charlie: I’ve uh….I’ve never been the skinniest of people. And I’ve got narcolepsy - which means I sleep a lot. My dad - he’s one of those people who, just, well. He doesn’t understand disabilities. Like, I mean, he understands them, obviously, but he doesn’t really get that sometimes, I just can’t do stuff. So he pressured me a lot into exercising and not eating a ton.

They take a shaky breath

Charlie: So, I um, I was depressed, obviously. And therapy in central London isn’t exactly easy to come by. I was cutting, but that was - that wasn’t because I wanted to die. It was more for control. I could control that. (inhale) I um, I made the decision when my friend, um - I had a crush on him. His name was Nathaniel. He um, he stopped talking to me, just after my birthday. He just...never texted me back.

Charlie: I somehow got it into my mind that he - um, that I’d like, done something? To make him leave me. Which, I mean, I think that’s dumb. Sometimes people just leave, but my brain decided it must be my fault. So I, um. I jumped into the Thames.

Charlie: So yeah. Um, the ambulance people asked for my parents phone number and I just - I couldn’t deal with that right now. I just - (humorless laugh) - I told them my parents were dead. They didn’t know how to respond for a second, but they asked if I had someone else to contact. At this point, I’d visited the Institute a few times and met Gertrude. I was doing a school project on, like, local businesses, and I thought it would be cool to do the Institute. Gertrude had helped with a bit of the project - she was head Archivist after all. Looking back on it, I think she probably did it cause she has this sixth-sense about people who’ve been marked. I probably walked in that first day marked up to the wazoo for the End, and she took an interest in me.

Charlie: Whatever it was, I knew she would at least cover for me. So I told the ambulance staff to call the Institute, ask Rosie for Gertrude Robinson. They looked alarmed, but maybe half an hour later, I was sitting in a hospital room, Gertrude Robinson acting like she was my grandma.

(laugh)

Charlie: She’s rather convincing, when she needs to be - had a whole act about being a kind old lady. She was all (imitating an old woman) ‘my sweet little Charlie’ (laugh) Knowing what she’s done now, I’m not sure if I should’ve been impressed or afraid…

Charlie: Probably afraid.

Charlie: Anyway, she got me out of there real quick. Since we were in Chelsea - and my parents lived and worked in central London - I wasn’t much afraid of them finding out. It wasn’t in the news - (sarcastically) lucky me - and as far as I know, they never found out. Gertrude walked me home, which was...nice? I don’t know why she did it. Maybe she was actually worried for me. Probably not though.

Charlie: I stopped really going home after that. Or to school. I told my parents I’d got a job, and I was living with a friend. Both sort of true. I emailed my teachers, told them I was in a ward and I would pick up the work I needed to do at the beginning of the week and drop it off on Fridays. People aren’t exactly keen to pry into that sort of stuff, and as long as I got the work in, no one really cared. So I effectively moved into the attic of the Magnus Institute. Elias said it was fine, as long as I wasn’t disruptive. I became a sort of assistant - I took statements, filed them - I was one of the only ones who could understand Gertrude’s system - and looked into some cases for Gertrude. But my real job was in artefact storage.

Charlie: I know people don’t love it there, but I’ve always been interested in them. Gerard says it’s stupid teenage curiosity, but...he’s not my mom. Even if he was, I wouldn’t listen to him. Anyways, my job was to look into the objects that really messed people up. Not gonna go into super specific detail, cause the really bad ones are technically, like, classified or something, but lets just say there’s a reason I hate bugs.

Charlie: This was all fine, and I kind of fell into a routine for a few months. But I started to notice something. When people came in to give statements, I could, kind of, feel something about them. Like they were still going somewhere. The statements I took were always unfinished somehow.

Charlie: It got to a point where Mikey had to stop an interview because I wouldn't stop asking the woman if she was sure that was everything. I didn’t know what was going on, until one day I was walking home from the store - there’s no real food in the Institute fridge so I lived off of microwaved meals mostly - and I felt this pull. It wasn’t, like a literal pull. More like - (sigh) - you know when you’re walking back to bed in the dark and you feel like something’s about to get you, so you, like, throw yourself into bed and pull your covers up. Yeah, well, it felt kinda like that, except...except I was the thing in the dark. I don’t know how long I walked for, but it was after midnight by the time I came to an apartment complex.

Charlie: The women before, who I had been interviewing. She said there was something wrong with her gas pipes, but whenever she asked the landlord to check it out, they said there was nothing wrong. But she kept smelling gas. I could certainly smell it, as I walked up the stairs in a daze. I came to a door, 407. The door was locked, and when I put my hand on it, it burned. But I didn’t flinch - instead I turned the nob and I could hear the lock snap.

Charlie: Inside the apartment looked normal. I walked into a side room and the woman was asleep in her bed. She looked terrified. She asked me why I was here, was I going to kill her?

Charlie: I shook my head. No. I wasn’t going to kill her. But she was going to die. And -

Charlie: And the building, it exploded.

Charlie: I don’t know why I didn’t die, but she certainly did.

Charlie: (laugh) Jude was pretty pissed about that. Said I ‘took’ her sacrifice. Like everything doesn’t already belong to death.

Charlie: It doesn’t happen a lot, anymore, but I could tell when it would happen. I don’t know why the deaths are important. It didn’t happen when (shaky) when Gertrude left Mikey. Though I suppose he’s not really dead...is he.

Charlie: I don’t know. There’s a couple statements that mention me, but I don’t like to read them. It makes me feel guilty. I guess it’s not really my fault - they would’ve died anyway, but…

Charlie: Yeah, so. Um. Statement ends.

Tape player clicks off.

Recorder clicks on

Long, shaky exhale

Jon: Well, that’s, enlightening. I’m going to be honest though, I have more questions than answe -

Door opening

Charlie: Jon! Hey, I’ve got a question about this case, I think you might’ve misfiled it cause Martin said - 

Jon: Um, actually I was -

Charlie: Oh, are you recording right now, sorry! What’s this statement about?

Footsteps, sounds of shuffling papers. Charlie’s voice is much closer to the recorder now.

Charlie: Is that a tape? One of Gertrude’s? I thought the police had taken them all?

Jon: (fumbling) No, um, it’s -

Charlie: Wait, is...is that my tape Jon?

Jon: I mean - well - yes - but I - oh god - I just, I didn’t think -

Charlie: (cruelly) No, you didn’t think, did you Jon. (voice breaking) I hope you’re happy, now you know. I defended you, you know. Tim’s been so pissy and I - (voice cracks) I wanted to believe you weren’t that type of person but…

Jon: Charlie--

Charlie: No. I’m… don’t talk to me Jon. I don’t want to hear it.

Loud footsteps, door slams

Jon: Shit.

Recorder clicks off.

#tma spoilers #tma statement #self insert #self shipping #self ships #you're dead and i'm punching eldritch gods #jonathan sims #the magnus archives #what i hath wrought upon thine eyes

[fanfic-inator795]

Michika: 🌷💗💧⭐

Thank you!! ^v^ *huuuugs*

In what ways would your OC alter their body if they could? How would they do it using mundane means (hair dye, surgery, make-up?). What is their ideal look for themself?

Hmmm... I think a part of her wishes she didn’t have to worry about her bowl and would probably get rid of it if she had the choice, just because it makes it a lot harder to lay down while cuddling, plus it’s something she always has to keep in mind while fighting. One good spill and she’s down for the count.

It’s just kind of a hassle, but wearing a cap or plug or whatever to keep her water from spilling out would probably be just as annoying and feel weird, so she’s kinda stuck. Other than that, I think she accepts her body as is and wouldn’t really change anything about it.

What would your OC say is their best feature? Why? What do their friends / family / lover(s) / people they know think is their best feature and why?

Idk why, but I could see Michi being pretty proud of her beak, calling it cute ^v^

When asked, Mikey would probably say that her best feature are her webbed hands and feet, which he just finds neat, while Junior would probably say she has nice eyes.

What is the earliest memory your OC can recall? Do they know what their first words were or remember where they took their first steps? Do they have any mementos of their childhood they’ve kept such as a stuffed toy or tiny baby clothes?

Michi definitely doesn’t have any mementos, and probably doesn’t have any baby memories. As for earliest memory, probably the first time she wandered off on her own away from her parents.

Technically she was “lost”, but she wasn’t afraid. She just felt free and happy, having fun and toddling around and seeing all the things that she wanted to see instead of being dragged along or carried around by her parents. 

Sure, she was only like 3 so there was a lot she didn’t understand, and if she had been alone long enough to get hungry or cold she probably would’ve started crying (she was only lost for like half an hour before being found by a Hidden City officer), but she never really forgot that feeling of freedom and independence - of being on her own, doing her own thing and being happy. 

What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

For more serious fears, she’s afraid of being controlled and forced into doing things she doesn’t want to do (sort of a nod to the Kappa mythos, where if a human refills a kappa’s bowl, the kappa either owes them a favor or has to serve them). 

Then, after she’s fully opened up to Mikey and Junior and has formed connections with them, she subconsciously develops a fear of being abandoned again. 

Yes, she loves her independence and loves not having any attachments on the surface, but as much as she doesn’t mind them being gone/didn’t have much of a connection to them, there is still a part of her deep down that’s affected by her parents essentially abandoning her. If she were to be abandoned by people she actually DOES care about and has a strong connection to, it’d be pretty devastating, even if she doesn’t want to admit it.

For a less serious fear, I could see her being sorta freaked out by clowns. (Heh, Mikey’s just like “I thought you liked jokes.” “Yeah, jokes, but THAT THING-” *points at a clown that’s just minding his business- “is an abomination!”)

As for whether anyone finds Michi scary: She wishes they did but, nah. Given that she’s short, wears pigtails and a floppy sunhat, and only has a water gun to fight with, she doesn’t really have any hope of being intimidating. Maybe when she’s older, heh

#mitkitty

[stansbill]

Deductive Fashion

Pair: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

Words: 2.3k

Chapters: 1/?

Summary: “Alright, whatever, listen, I’m sorry, blah blah,” Richie said, holding his hands up to retaliate as Eddie stood there listening, “if you pretend to date me, or whatever for a while until this blows over, I promise I’ll pay you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I’m pretty sure I had my dick in your ass last night, and that’s like hella intimate buddy, so I’m sure I know you judging by the fact that I kind of remember you -”

“Alright! Alright, I get it. You remember last night,” Eddie huffed out.

Read on AO3: link

The second Richie woke up, he knew something was wrong. Maybe it was the countless texts on his phone, or maybe it was the fact that his head hurt, or that his eyes stung, his body was stiff - or even the glaring fact that there was currently an arm around his waist.

Which had hair.

So, in conclusion: this was a man’s arm - which should have been glaringly obvious to Richie. It was also currently seven in the morning, his phone was buzzing rapidly on the side table, and his head was pounding.

Plus, he couldn’t find his glasses. So, he did the obvious thing. He picked up the arm that was across his waist, placed it between his hand and the man’s chest and blindly tried to reach for his glasses on the side table.

The next thing Richie noticed was the obvious groaning, and a warm puff of breath on the back of Richie’s neck, and the movement of the man’s arm. Guess he woke.

“Turn off the alarm, dickward,” a voice rang out, making Richie’s entire body go stiff.

Yep, it was definitely a man.  

“Yep, sorry,” Richie hastily said, having no other words to say. It felt weird, not to say anything, or maybe it was the fact that there was a man in Richie’s bed. Nope, it was the latter.  

Richie picked up his phone, his mind going in countless directions, and moved until his feet hit the cold wood, and let out a little breath. He placed in his password and opened up his texts.  

You’re finally coming out??? How come I didn’t know???  Also, you took a cute boy home, tell me the deets [Bev, 3 am]

I hope this was you actively making a decision and not being shitfaced [Stan the man, 3:30 am]  

One night stand or boyFRIEND, details trashmouth. [Big bill, 4 am]

Congrats on the cute boy!!! [egg boy, 6 am]

As a friend, nice job on gettin’ some. As a manager? You’re a dumbass and you really need to call me back. [Mikey, 6:30 am]

And Mike must have been serious, considering in thirty minutes, he already had ten missed calls and five missed facetime.  

He figured he could cut the man his slack and call back; plus, it would help Richie too, considering his heart was being 90 times a minute and there was currently a man in his bed.  

But you know, semantics.

Mike picked up on the first ring.  

“Hey buckaroo, it’s a great morning, isn’t it? I mean, I didn’t check the app yet, or even look outside but-”

“Save it, Rich.”

Richie sighed, “yeah, fine, go ahead, tell me how I outed myself to the general public and my entire life is ruined, and now I'm going to have to live on the streets, defend my beautiful body, maybe sell it for a mere cents -”

“Trashmouth, shut up, oh my god. Listen, I’m not going to tell you that you fucked up. Sure, we might have to do damage control considering twitter, and whatever has been blowing up with the mere thought of you actually being somewhat gay -”

“Bi,” Richie cut in.  

“Yes, I know. Anyways, it might take some time, but we can move through it. You might just have to come out to a press release, press conference, or even actively announce it so we can move past it. It doesn’t mean you have to date the guy or even see him anymore. We can just use this as a ploy for social interaction. Though, as one of your best friends, I just want to say that I’m proud of you for coming out, even if it wasn’t in the best circumstances.”  

“You mean being drunk?”  

“Exactly. Do you regret it?”  

“A little.”  

“That’s okay. We’ll fix it, Rich, don’t worry.”

“I mean, if you can fix anything, it’s Richie’s mistakes!”  

Mike sighed over the phone, “Moving on, did he leave the house or is he still here?”  

“He’s still here. Right beside me actually - well, right behind, I don’t know, semantics. I should probably make him sign a contract right? Like ‘blah, blah, don’t use to your advantage, blah blah’ -”  

“You know I can hear you, right?” A voice rang out, cutting off Richie from his monologue, “Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing to hear a shrill voice at like crack ass dawn in the morning. But if you would like to move it into the next room over, that’ll be great too.”  

“It’s 7:30, dickwad,” Richie said, not moving his body to look at the one behind him. He sighed. “I’ll call you later, Mike,” and before Mike could say anything, he carried on, “and yes, don’t worry. I’ll handle it. I’ll meet you at your office at around eleven.” With that said, Richie closed the call, turned around in his bed and came face to face with the man; and let out an involuntary exhale, “how the fuck did I bag you last night?”  

The man snorted, “beats me, man, you were a disaster.”  

“A disaster you fucking slept with.”  

“Exactly. Anyways, as nice as it was to wake up to your voice, I think I should go. Great to meet you!” The man said, his voice slightly sarcastic, as he got up, and looked around for his jeans.  

Considering how it was currently still early, Richie blamed his hangover and the ass o'clock in the morning for the next thing that was about to come out of his mouth. “I-um-wait!” Richie said, making the man froze in his steps, “see, I don’t know if you noticed, but I'm kind of a big deal.”  

The man snorted, “you mean an amateur comedian.”

Richie frowned, “shut up fuckface, you’re the one that went home with me last night. Anyways, you’re kind of all over the news buddy, just an FYI. So, we might have to do...a bit of something.”  

“What the fuck do you mean by ‘a bit of something’?”  

“Be seen outside together, a bit? Or pretend to date? Or maybe be friends who fuck in public? Wait, not that way, considering who wants to go to jail, or maybe, who knows -”  

“You really babble on like an idiot for someone who talks on stage a lot, huh?”  

“I don’t write my material -”  

“I fucking knew it!” The man yelled, his lips stretching in a grin, a laugh making its way through his throat, “you always seemed like you forced a few lines -”  

“Oh, hardy hah, hah. No one is gonna believe you, now listen, do me a favour, man, and I promise you’ll get a big break.”  

The man's eyes narrowed, “you mean ‘big break’ as a shit ton of money, correct?”

“Well, no shit, what do you expect, a ‘big break’ to be me shitting on a toilet? Hellooo, I’m a celebrity, who just came out tonight - without no planning might I add - and that too with a one night stand, so obviously I mean big bucks.”  

“You should probably be nice to me considering what you’re asking of me, dickwad.”  

“Listen, Mr...whatever your name is-”  

“It’s Kaspbrak.”  

“What?”  

“It’s Eddie Kaspbrak.”  

Richie grinned and hummed, “cute-”  

“Hey!”

“Anyways! If you could stop interrupting me Eds-”  

“That’s not my name!”  

“I can’t hear you!”  

“Do you want me to fucking leave, because I will, man, don’t fucking piss me off.”  

“Alright, whatever, listen, I’m sorry, blah blah,” Richie said, holding his hands up to retaliate as Eddie stood there listening, “if you pretend to date me, or whatever for a while until this blows over, I promise I’ll pay you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I’m pretty sure I had my dick in your ass last night, and that’s like hella intimate buddy, so I’m sure I know you judging by the fact that I kind of remember you -”  

“Alright! Alright, I get it. You remember last night,” Eddie huffed out.  

“Yeah, so, if you help me with this, you can go home with a fat check in a few months - a month or two tops - or go home now, while obviously signing a contract that states you can’t talk about what my said dick did to your said ass last night.”

Eddie huffed. At one point, the urge to just go home and sleep was slightly soaring in his mind, but on the other hand, the idea of possibly getting a fat check from a said comedian was looking appealing.  

It wasn’t that Eddie was desperate for money. Well, maybe, kinda. He just finished his Masters in psychology, and looking for work while being in debt wasn’t fun. Besides, the fact that he even ended up in Richie’s bed last night all had to do with the fact he broke up with his girlfriend of two years before realizing that yeah, he was bent, and yeah, she was a bitch.  

Well, Eddie always knew he was bent, but you know, semantics.  

“Alright.”

Richie raised an eyebrow, “alright, what?” he asked cautiously.  

“Alright, I’ll pretend to date you.”  

Richie let out a relief of sigh, “great, alright! Here we go, I’m going to call Mike, so maybe you could you know,” Eddie raised an eyebrow, “like come sit next to me? While I call? So we can figure this planning out?”  

Eddie sighed, “how about you call whoever Mike is-”

“My manager.”  

“And I’ll be back from the washroom and we can figure out what to do?”

“Sound’s good, Eds, you go take a leak,” Richie said, already dialling Mike instead of hearing Eddie angrily mumble about how that wasn’t his name.  

Mike as always, picked up on the first ring, “please tell me you figured it out.”  

“Well, kinda?”

Mike sighed, “what did you do?”  

“I maybe might have asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend.”  

“You know, when you told me you would take care of this, this wasn’t what I was expecting, right?”  

“Yeah? Well, you put me up to this man, you knew I was gonna fuck it up -

“You told me you would take care of this! Not make him your fake boyfriend!”

“I’m still hungover Mike, cut me some slack. Besides my heart kinda like jumped when I saw his face, is that weird? I think I should probably see the doctor - wow, look at me, saying I need to see a doctor -”

Mike sighed, “alright, listen. If he’s a hundred percent sure of doing this, we can make a contract at this moment to figure out what you guys need to do to keep this going, and what to avoid, etc.”

Richie hummed, “sounds good.”

“Just to make sure, he doesn’t have any criminal record, right?”

“I don’t know, homeschool, the only thing we spoke about so far is the deal and me fucking him last night.”

“Richie,” Mike said, dejectedly, “what’s his name?”

“Eddie Kaspbrak, Kaspbrak with a ‘K’, should be with a ‘C’ though, he’s a cutie.”

Mike snorted, “might want to make sure he’s not listening so he doesn’t kill you on the spot.”

“You’re here to witness a true crime if it does happen, homeschool.”

“Anyways, it checks out, he doesn’t have a criminal record.”

“Love how you just checked but didn’t let me know how.”

“And that’s why I’m your manager, trashmouth.”

Richie laughed, “exactly.”

Eddie cleared his throat, “I’m back.”

Richie turned around and beckoned him over, “Alright Mike, I’m going to put this phone on speaker, Eds is here.”

“Stop fucking calling me that, I don’t -”

“You must be Eddie.”

Eddie grimaced, “sorry about that.”

“It’s alright, Richie gets on everyone’s nerves -”

“Hey!”

Mike continued as if Richie never spoke. “I’m sorry you got roped into this, considering you probably thought you might just get a one night stand and end up leaving in the morning with no problem.”  

“Yeah, until he woke me up with a call.”  

“Yeah, that one was mine. The news of Richie being bi never really came out to the public, and with pictures of you guys making out on the steps of Richie’s apartment building last night got published, well, you can see why we need you.”  

Now Richie grimaced.

“I figured,” Eddie said, adding nothing more.  

“If you’re willing to cooperate with us, we can add benefits on your end that can help you navigate your life after this fiasco.”  

Richie cleared his throat, “something about a big check, homeschool?”

Mike exhaled, “yeah, we can provide benefits - just like I said, Richie. You would just need to play up that you guys are casually seeing each other in public for a month or two before this dies down and then we can move forward with Richie’s image. I gather Richie told you that you have the option of saying no to this, and if you do, you would have to sign an obligation not to spread any information about these events.”

“Yea, he did,” Eddie replied, his hands slightly clammy. This was all fucking insane.  

“So, you both would have to come into my office and talk about what we need to do to move forward with this, but right now, I just need to know that you’re willing to do this. Are you?”

“Yeah, yes, I’m willing,” Scratch that, Eddie wished he said no. But he knew he needed the cash.

“Alright, I’ll see you guys in a few hours. During that time, get to know each other a bit, don’t say anything on social media, and please, stay in the apartment. I already have enough damage control to do.”  

With that, Mike ended the call.  

“So..Eds, how did you come around these parts?”

Eddie rolled his eyes.

#reddie #it #it chapter 2 #reddie fic #reddiefic #reddie fanfiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it fic #losers club #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #stanley uris #bill denbrough

[flannelpunkcalum]

Demons (Leading Me to Do Their Dirty Work)

Michael Clifford One Shot

I wrote this for a friend ages and AGES ago and everyone wants to flirt with demons so I repurposed it! It’s 8k of witch!reader adventures, hope you enjoyII 

Disclaimer: there’s blood, violence, and absolutely no smut. That’s not a joke. Read accordingly. 

Y/N should have known as soon as Lucy came in that something was wrong. Usually she came in all in a huff, or a bright whirlwind, talking about something she had seen on her way back from class or why organic chemistry was going to make her cry. This time the only thing that announced her arrival was the door slamming and sick silence. Y/N should have known right then and there. Maybe it would have saved her.

“Hey, how was your tutorial? Did you tell your TA that-” Y/N turned around to face Lucy and cut herself off. You couldn’t be a witch without instinct, and something about Lucy screamed wrong.

It was probably all the blood.

“Jesus, are you alright? Did you get mugged?” Y/N stood up from her desk chair, grabbing a roll of paper towel. Lucy shook her pale head as Y/N started wiping at her cheeks. She looked like death, or like she had just met him. Blood dripped out of her hair onto the carpet and her black shirt glistened too deep for it to be soaked with anything else.

“No, I’m - the blood isn’t mine, no. It’s - Y/N, I really need your help.”

That almost shook Y/N worse than all the gore. Lucy was - well, cold, she tried to be untouchable, but Y/N was almost sure she was going to see tear tracks appear in the blood on her roommate’s cheeks. “Of course. Tell me what’s going on, you’re freaking me out.” She said, trying not to show the way her stomach lurched. It felt bad. It felt like a premonition.

“It’s Michael.”

Y/N had known it wouldn’t be easy. Canada was a totally different country, and university - yeah, she had taken AP classes, but that didn’t mean she was ready, you know? Having a roommate, taking care of herself, it was all going to be new. But that was something everyone went through at one point or another. The real trouble was the magic.

She didn’t remember how old she had been when her mother had pulled her off the lawn and told her in a sharp sharp voice that pebbles belonged on the ground. Little, anyway. “We don’t make things fly outside. It’s dangerous. Okay?”

That lesson in particular had ended with her mother going “Oh, sweetheart, stop crying. It’s alright, (because Y/N had always been a bit weepy)” and taking her inside to read stories, but there were more. Witchcraft ran in her mother’s line like a heart disease, and Y/N had the power like her mother and the grandmother before. She’d been a bit haywire as a kid - emotionally she had always been a bit watery, but her power was a flame and it had taken her some time to get it under control. It was supposed to be easier, now. She could lift proper big things, like luggage and TVs - not that it did her much good because she wasn’t supposed to where people could see - brew any number of potions (most of them she did in the microwave instead of a cauldron) and chat with the ghosts in the old buildings. And now that she could control it the whole magic part was easier, she supposed, but she still sometimes did sleep-magic and on top of first year in uni it was a lot.

She hadn’t intended on talking to anyone about it, even if she hadn’t been able to finagle her way out of getting a roommate, but Lucy was - well. She was something else. Lucy thought there was a siren in the basement and that the room at the end of the hall had a dead body in it and she knew deep in her bones that the building was haunted. Even if Y/N did cast a little spell to make her sleep deeply through any sleep-magic she might have caused, she was always on edge around her roommate, and it didn’t help that things tended to float when she was nervous. She thought she had been doing a pretty good job, but Lucy had a thing for looking for trouble, and there was nothing that said trouble like a witch.

Y/N could still remember how she found out Lucy knew. She still wasn’t sure exactly when her roommate had figured it out, but she remembered realizing her secret was out. It was a nightmare. “...and so I need to get a new copy of the lab manual, which blows, unless - oh, d’you think you could find it? With your-” Lucy had wiggled her fingers in the air like they were glitter.

It took Y/N a long moment to figure out what she was getting at, but - magic. Fuck! Her stomach dropped straight through the floor and the glass of water in her hand started to freeze over. Lucy, for her part, looked just as shocked as Y/N felt. “Oh, shit, I was - I didn’t know - well, I thought, but - Y/N, don’t panic, I’m not going to tell anyone!” Lucy had been mostly-but-not-really joking, as was her custom, but she hadn’t expected Y/N to wear her guilt on her face like that.

It had been a rough night, but they’d gotten through it, and it did make things easier - Y/N could wake Lucy up now if she was freaking out, and finally she could talk to someone about the ghost in Lucy’s closet. Lucy, too, got to “peel back the veil between worlds” and beg Y/N to show her what would be on her midterms. They gave and took with this, just as they had with the floor space or who was going to vacuum. Everything had been good until that night when Lucy had come home in blood and silence.

Here was the thing about Michael. He was Lucy’s pal mostly, someone she had met at a friend’s party, and they got along like mad. Lucy usually insisted that Y/N come along when they went on excursions because they needed “adult supervision”, and although Y/N usually resented being dragged along to things she usually didn’t mind when this happened. Mikey would just show up at their door sometimes (and she didn’t know who the hell was letting him in the building) with tickets to go play laser tag, or go to frat parties where he’d be decent and not ditch them. Y/N thought he was a nice guy. He was cute, too - he had bleach blond hair that made her think he was bad but a smile that made her feel really good sometimes. Lucy always said that Michael was a trip, and Y/N was sure it would have been all too easy to fall for him, but.

But.

Here was the thing. Y/N had only really asked her mom about why she had divorced her dad once, when she was young. She didn’t remember it clearly, but she did remember the pain on her mother’s face when she told her that the magic was a gift and not to ever, ever doubt that, no matter what some people would say. Y/N knew what that meant - people wouldn’t like it if they knew, sometimes. People wouldn’t trust her. She knew she had to hide that part of her to stay safe. She didn’t like keeping secrets from people she was close to - she didn’t like wondering if Peter and Marukh from math would still want to hang out with her if they knew she could find out how they died. Not that she would, but still.

So yeah, maybe she’d never really had a serious boyfriend, or someone she considered her best friend. She’d been safe up till now. She’d stay that way. Lucy had been different, of course. She’d connived her way into Y/N’s life. Y/N had vowed not to let it happen again.

But Mikey was very cute. And nice. And he gave her looks she didn’t need magic to decipher.

That was all.

“Oh, god.”

Lucy’s voice snapped Y/N out of it. She must have gone quiet for a moment - it was Michael, something was wrong with Michael, and there was so much blood on Lucy - but she edged her way over to hold the back of a chair, just in case she did take a tumble. “Is he-” She started, voice strained, but Lucy didn’t have the chance to interrupt her before she fell silent. She didn’t want to say it out loud. Maybe then it wouldn’t be true.

“He’s not hurt. He’s fine. It’s just - you know how I do that thing where I go to a thrift store and if something looks haunted I try to buy it?” Lucy said, in a voice as close as she could come to sheepish. She pushed her hair back, but mostly succeeded in smearing blood over her forehead.

Y/N could feel misery replace itself with dread. She could guess where this was going. At least Michael wasn’t dead, right? “What did you do?”

“It’s Halloween, Y/N, okay, and I saw a Ouija board at the Goodwill and I was going to that party with, like, Mikey and them anyway, and I knew he’d like it but I said not to try it tonight because it’s Halloween and he didn’t listen so I stuck around to make sure everything was okay and it wasn’t! All the lights went out and blood started pouring from the faucets and it was just real bad. And I thought you might - I thought you might know what to do.” Lucy finished with a gasp.

Y/N didn’t know what to do.

Ghosts were one thing. Pixies, brownies, all the Fair Folk, they were dangerous when crossed but nothing she couldn't handle. Even beasts could be tamed. Demons were different. All they did was hurt and cause chaos. They were greedy for power, sex, any sort of vice, and they'd do anything to get it. Cowardly witches avoided them because they’d drain the magic and life from a witch to make themselves stronger. They were sadistic, dangerous creatures. Y/N didn't like them at all.

She knew what she had to do, though. It was Halloween; demons were strong on Halloween night, but so were witches. “Okay,” she said, after taking a very big breath. “Lucy, I need you to get a bag. Do you have any salt?”

Lucy reached for her backpack, but she looked nervous. “I - I don’t know.”

“Nevermind,” Y/N said, pulling a box of sea salt out from under her bed. “Any iron?”

Y/N didn't usually like to go to Michael’s place. The building gave her weird vibes, plus she didn't know how she felt about his roommate, Calum. Luce usually brushed off any of her concerns with “...okay, but he's hot tho”, and she wasn't wrong, but there was something shifty about him. Y/N was pretty sure he was a drug dealer, or in some kind of gang.

She remembered the last time she had been over there. They'd just been stopping to pick the boys up before getting drinks - Mikey had guided her out the door by the elbow as they headed to the bar. It felt embarrassing, the way she remembered that touch. Over the course of the night their group grew from four to eight as they met up with friends but still every time she looked up, it seemed, his eyes were on her

It took her five minutes to get everything she’d need together, stealing thread from Lucy’s sewing kit and filling the backpack with scented candles. They used stainless steel knives filched from the dining hall for iron. It wasn’t conventional, but if it saved Mikey’s life that didn’t matter. The backpack jingled almost cheerfully on Y/N's back as they finally made their way out of the building. “I can’t believe no one’s called an ambulance for you.” Y/N murmured as they sped through the lamp-lit streets. She could see drops of blood on the sidewalk from Lucy’s trip over - she looked like the final girl of a horror movie.

“It’s- it’s Halloween, they probably think it’s makeup.” Lucy replied. “It doesn’t matter. Can’t we walk any faster?”

Y/N knew that it was a bad idea for her to draw attention to herself, but she wanted to. Wanted to sprint through the streets. Now that Michael could be dead - damn it, why had Lucy left him alone, why hadn’t she just called Y/N? - she was letting herself mourn what she had never let herself feel. She wasn’t really big on divination, but they would have worked, she had known it. If he came out of this unscathed he probably still wouldn’t want her - what kind of a first date was a fucking exorcism? It wasn’t fair. She hadn’t asked for this. Hell, if she could have she might have given her “gift” to Lucy weeks ago. Let her have her fun.

Y/N was a good witch. A nice witch. She didn’t curse, hex, or even do passive aggressive cantrips. She played by the goddamn rules but her crush was still being hounded by a demon and even if he wasn’t hurt it was still a bitch of a situation.

“Y/N. You okay?” Lucy’s eyes peered out of her bloody face.

“Yes.” Y/N said, and her voice came out surprisingly calm. Actually, it was kind of a shock she hadn’t started crying by now. Maybe she did have more iron in her. Maybe… maybe when her friends needed her most she could pull it together to save them. Maybe that was the only fucking upside to having dangerous powers and idiot friends.

“Well, we’re almost there. Fuck, I’m glad you’re around.” Lucy added with a mumble. Y/N appreciated it. Lucy totally owed her.

They tramped up the stairs to Michael’s apartment, and Luce thankfully did not complain. Y/N had a bad feeling about this as soon as she crossed the threshold, and she wasn’t about to ride an elevator in a building where demons had been unleashed. They had to be smart now - had to be careful. Y/N had only dealt with a demon once, and even then, she was mostly standing by and watching. She knew what to do, in theory. It was gonna be okay. Lucy and Mikey were idiots, they couldn’t have summoned anything big and nasty, right?

Even if Y/N had forgotten Michael's apartment, she wouldn't have had any trouble picking it out. Bloody fingerprints stood out on the white paint, and as they moved down the hall a group of trick or treaters, dressed as dragons and princesses, skirted the door nervously. Y/N's stomach flipped. Kids often knew things adults didn't, and if these kids wouldn't even knock on the door for candy, well - that wasn't good. That wasn't good at all.

Lucy seemed to be getting more and more antsy as they approached the door. “Makes me feel sick just looking at it,” She mumbled, nodding at the blood before knocking on the door with an open palm. “Mikey? It's me. Hurry up.”

“What’s the password?”

Y/N almost had a heart attack when she heard Michael's voice - he was still alive. But why wasn't he letting them in? Was something wrong with him? Lucy caught the look Y/N was giving her. “We figured it would be good to, like, have a sign and countersign in case one of us wasn't - we didn't want to take a chance, alright? Don't panic, kid.” She turned to the door again. “Festinare.”

“Gravissime.” Michael's voice sounded tight, stressed.

“Habeo eius. Aperi ianuam.”

“Is that French?” Y/N asked, fingers tightening around the straps of her backpack. Lucy probably nodded, but by then Michael had opened the door and Y/N couldn't be asked to focus on anything else. He looked a wreck - he was just as bloody as Lucy, or worse. His shirt was soaked enough to stick to his skin, and his hair had some new red streaks she was sure didn't come from dye. All the way up to his elbows she could see where he had tried to clean it off.

“Thank fuck. Y/N.” Mikey said, putting one hand on her shoulder. “I'm so - come in, please. Thank you so much for coming.” His grip was strong, and he pulled her inside so fast she would have fallen over had Lucy not been right behind her.

“Sorry,” Lucy said, yanking the door shut behind her. “I'm just- Mikey, are you okay?” She coughed - she was probably breathless from fear.

Y/N watched Michael run a hand through his hair, leaving it even more blood-soaked. “Well, my sink’s not fuckin’ bleeding anymore, so that’s something. Things have quieted down, but it’s not - something doesn’t feel right. In here.”

Y/N could feel it, too. It was like a too-dark street and a close call with a kitchen knife and a jolt in the elevator all rolled into one just standing in his entryway. “Whatever you summoned is still around. We need to do something, and quick.” She said, letting the bag slide off her shoulders and reaching for the zipper. “Michael, do you have-” She was interrupted by the sound of Lucy coughing again, taking breaths that seemed to rattle on the way out.

“Sorry, I’m-” Lucy tried to explain, but covered her mouth as another coughing fit took over. “I’m fine, it’s just-” She started to cough again.

Something wasn’t right. Mikey was already in enough danger; Y/N had to protect her other friend right now. “Luce, go wait in the lobby. Michael can help me fix this.”

“No, Y/N, I-”

“You’ve already done enough. I can take it from here.”

Determination flashed in Lucy’s eyes. “No, I can stay, I can control this-” Lucy broke off into another violent set of coughs, and this time Y/N watched as she drew her hand away from her mouth with something thick and black on her fingers. Moving faster than she thought capable, Y/N grabbed her friend’s wrist as the ink slowly formed drips from her fingertips. Meeting Lucy’s eyes, she lost her grip for a second and couldn’t fucking breathe.

Lucy’s eyes were black, all the way through.

The wrist was yanked from her hand as Lucy fell to her knees, clawing at her throat. Strong hands wrapped around Y/N’s waist. Michael pulled her into his body as Y/N finally woke up and reached out to her friend. Lucy was screaming. Y/N had never heard Lucy scream before. She was trying to get to her feet but fell, and the second her back hit the ground it arched until Y/N thought she would snap. That black oil was pouring out of her mouth now, making a puddle on the floor. Mikey swore and started dragging Y/N away with a strength she didn’t know he had. Lucy collapsed again, shakily turning onto her stomach, still coughing like an elder god - how was she still breathing?

Y/N had been fighting Michael’s grip the whole time - she could help, she was a witch, chrissakes - but now she stopped, eyes wide. The puddle was drawing away from Lucy. It pulled along the floor, gathering itself like a video in reverse, almost boiling. It bubbled a few inches off the floor, then a foot, and with a sound like glass breaking everything went white and when Y/N blinked back into vision -

Fuck.

Lucy was still shaking on the floor. Standing over her was Calum, Michael’s roommate, in the centre of a black stain on the hardwood.

Y/N understood now.

The feeling of uneasiness she got around him. That slimey fuckin’ grin. The way Lucy had been nervous all night - she had chalked it up to the horror of the Ouija board, but it was that demon in Lucy's body, trying to trick her. The foreign mumbling at the door - it had been Latin. Y/N couldn’t believe she’d been so blind on Halloween.

Michael had gone still, too, and Y/N knew she didn’t have to look to see her own terror echoed on his face as that thing Calum stepped closer to Lucy. He looked irritated, although Y/N knew she should be thankful he wasn’t mad enough to set her friend on fire. “She takes a beating, but she just won't quit.” He stood over her and curled one hand in thin air. “I like that in a girl.” Lucy's body uncrumpled on the floor as her head, then shoulders, then torso began to rise up off the floor. Calum levitated her until the toes of her converse hung an inch off the floor.

Y/N couldn't have resisted Michael's grip if she had tried. Most demons didn't have enough power to boil a teaspoon of water. If Calum - whatever it called itself - could make Lucy hover like this they were in more trouble than she thought. The blood had been one thing, but this… “Y/N, breathe.” Michael whispered, so close to the shell of her ear she could feel his lips on it. She breathed. Wait, why was Michael holding her back? She was here to take care of this, and Satan or not that was what she was going to do.

“Michael,” She said very quietly as Lucy stirred and Calum mentioned something about being inside her, “I need you to go into the bedroom and shut the door and don't come out until I come get you.”

She felt his body shift to hold her tighter. “Fuck - no! I'm gonna protect you and I'm gonna protect Lucy once I figure out - you need to stay back.” Michael whispered frantically.

Y/N's stomach flipped when he said he'd protect her. She knew it couldn't happen, though, he'd die or worse, and she strained against his grip. “Michael, I know tonight's been weird but you have to trust me, I know what I'm doing and you'll only be in more danger if you stick around.”

“What’re you gonna do, Y/N, you can't kill a goddamn spider-”

“You can't stand up to him. You need to listen to me-”

“Don't be stupid-”

“I can save Lucy if you just let go, I-” Y/N was trying not to attract the demon’s attention, but Michael, he wouldn’t listen.

“What are you gonna do, Y/N?”

“I'm a witch!”

Y/N was released so suddenly she almost fell. She hadn't expected that to work, but it hadn't exactly helped. Calum's head snapped over to where Michael and Y/N had been arguing and with a flick of his wrist Lucy dropped to the ground so fast her head bounced on the hardwood.

Oh, shit. Just being in his line of sight felt like being pinned.

“I knew it.”

Y/N hated to turn her back on Calum, especially as Luce groaned and came too, but something in Michael's tone scared her more than that demon did. She glanced over her shoulder at him, but what she saw made her freeze and turn slowly to take him in.

Michael had changed. Y/N had been his friend since the start of the year, and she knew him, but this wasn't her Mikey. His relaxed slouch had disappeared; he looked about three inches taller. His shoulders looked not just broad but broad, giving him a dangerous frame. Nothing had changed - no, everything had changed. This wasn't Michael. This had to be someone else.

That was Y/N's hope, anyway, that he had been possessed, just like Lucy. What she saw in his eyes told her that couldn't be possible. They were so cruel. They weren’t hiding anything.

“I knew it.” Michael said. Even his voice had gotten deeper. “It had to be you. Lucy was too… fuck, you were clever. You hid it so well, little witch.”

Michael was a demon. Michael was a demon. And he knew. Y/N took a step back from him. “You've got power, Y/N, I can tell.” He continued with a smirk like a dagger. “Too bad you'll never be able to use it.”

Y/N was just trying to process. She was in a demon's lair - demons with power, obviously, who knew what she was. Demons she had considered friends. They'd kill her. But it was Michael. Fuck! She couldn't believe she'd had a crush on him.

Focus. She had to focus. She could get them out of here if she just - she had to think clearly, but it was hard when betrayal was still registering. “I can send you back to Hell. Or - or you can let Lucy and me leave and we'll call it even. No one gets hurt. Michael, come on, I know you're not like this.”

The demon Michael smiled properly, and it was worse than his smug little smirk. “Why would I do that, sweetheart? I've worked so hard to get you here and I'm not letting you go.” He was going to reach out any second now, Y/N knew, reach out and grab her and feed until only her body was left. Shit. That was if she was lucky.

“I came here ready for an exorcism, remember? It's Halloween, Michael. I'm stronger tonight. I can cast you out.” Y/N didn't hear any conviction in her voice, but Mikey as a human had been pretty stupid.

Michael's smile didn't falter. He leaned down, so that the space between them shrank and his nightmare eyes met hers. “I'm stronger, too.”

That was all Y/N could take. Her backpack was still in her hand, and she finally opened it, reaching for the stainless steel knife. “I wouldn't do that if I were you.” Calum's voice floated over, and she turned, fists closed tight around her weapons.

He'd scooped Lucy up from the ground and was holding her against him tight, with one arm wrapped around her waist. The other arm held her head back, so her throat was exposed. You could see an artery in her throat pounding like a small animal trapped under her skin. “See, you probably could send my friend to Hell, but then I'd have to slit poor Miss Lucy's throat and watch her choke on her own blood.” Lucy squirmed in his grip, but Calum moved his hand to close around her throat and that quieted her. Y/N shifted nervously, but Lucy didn't look like she was being strangled yet. Yet. “I don't really want to get into that tonight. So maybe you put the iron down and I'll maybe let your friend live, hm?”

Lucy wet her lips. “Don't do anything stupid, if he kills me I won't have to study-” Calum's hand tightened, and she fell silent with a little gasp for air.

The knife clattered to the floor. What choice did Y/N have?

Calum smiled wider. “Good girl.”

“Let her go.” Y/N said, trying to keep her voice even. She wasn't going to rise to this monster’s bait. “I did what you asked.”

Calum moved his hand away from Lucy’s neck to start stroking her hair. Lucy was clearly uncomfortable, but at least she was less likely to die. “Never said I'd let her go,” he said, in a voice meant to be casual. Lucy swore and started fighting in his arms again, but his hand tightened in her hair and yanked. “I won’t kill your pretty little friend, but I will make her wish I had if she doesn’t behave.” He continued, like he was telling Y/N what he liked on his sandwiches.

This was all wrong. It was happening too fast. Y/N was trapped and she’d put the girl who was, apparently, her only human friend in danger and the boy she had once liked wanted to kill her. They’d effectively disarmed her, and without that salt and iron Y/N didn’t like her chances. She still had power, but so did the demons, and she was fucking outnumbered. She found herself blinking back tears all of a sudden, trying to keep out of a panic. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Calum muttered, rolling his eyes. He started to drag Lucy back, ignoring her thrashing as they headed to his bedroom.

Demons didn’t sleep. Who knew what could be in there?

Y/N started to chase him mindlessly, still on the verge of tears. A hand wrapped around her wrist, jerking her back. She had almost forgotten about Michael, and now he was leering at her with anticipation. His wicked grin faltered a little when he saw her tears, but Y/N hated him for it; it was just a show to get her to trust him again. “Hey, hey, calm down, little witch. Show me your pretty smile.” He said, tugging her closer, but Y/N didn’t want to play that game. Crying wasn’t going to save her friend. Putting up a decent fight gave them both a chance.

She closed her eyes and reached for power inside her, feeling it tingle down her fingertips. Michael hissed, so she knew it was working, but his grip on her wrist only seemed to get tighter - Y/N had to grit her teeth to keep from making some pitiful sound. She focused. She wanted this to hurt. She thought of fire, lapping over her skin like water. She thought of brilliant white light. She held on to her anger and pushed with her mind.

“Fuck!” The demon cried, releasing her. Y/N opened her eyes.

Michael had taken a step back, and the hand he had used to grab her had changed. It was as if black ink had been injected into his veins - some coal-black lines went all the way to his elbow. Y/N didn’t have time to feel proud, though. With a growl, Michael pushed her with both hands, hard, and Y/N felt her feet leave the floor from the force of it. She hit the wall behind her with a thud that resonated through her body and an ache that followed. Before she could recover, Michael caught her wrists and pinned them to her sides.

I WAS HOPING TO PLAY NICE

Y/N cried out and closed her eyes. She had never heard a voice like that before - if she was even hearing it. Whatever Michael was doing jarred her bones, and she couldn’t help but fight his grip. That voice hurt. She couldn’t take it.

And Michael knew it.

“I was going to make a deal with you.” He continued, rage still seeping out of his voice. “Y/N, look at me. Look me in the eyes, love.” His grip tightened around her wrists again and she obeyed almost immediately, still shaken. He was so close to her she could feel the heat radiating off his body, so close his smile seemed grotesque.

“Good girl.” His hold on her wrists loosened. “Now. I don’t want to fight you. You’re a little too strong, Y/N, baby. We’d tear each other to pieces. So we’re gonna make a deal.”

“I-I’m not-”

QUIET

Y/N was quiet.

“We’re going to make a deal.” Michael repeated, taking a deep breath. When he met Y/N’s eyes again he was smiling like he had a plan. She shivered in his grip. “We’ve already agreed that as long as you don’t try to kill me, Calum won’t kill your friend. But if I’m going to let you go... I need something in return.”

Y/N could tell Michael knew what he wanted already. Deals with demons were dangerous, but… they could be evenly matched. A fight could kill them both. And she had to think about Lucy, too. “You can have a week off my life.” She said, forcing herself to hold his gaze. He just laughed and moved closer. His nose brushed hers. Y/N could feel herself start to pant.

“That’s very generous of you, little witch, but I won’t take that much from you. Surprised? I do have a heart, you know. At least, I used to. No, I don’t even want a day.”

Her heart had lept when he said he wouldn’t take much, but this sounded too good. Maybe Mikey had seemed nice, but demons weren’t kind; he had some plot twist waiting for her. “I’ll take just one night.” He said, smirking. That didn’t… that didn’t sound so bad.

“One night of you in my bed.”

Oh.

Y/N tugged against his hold on her, glaring, but the demon kept talking with his smooth voice. “I know you have a sweet little crush on me, baby. I know you want me. I’d go easy on you.” He dropped his voice to a sinful whisper. “Bet you’d like it.”

“Stop.” Y/N could feel herself blushing and she turned her face away.

“Bet you like being pushed around a little, being told what to do. Being my good girl. The boys on campus can’t quite do that for you, can they? I could.” Y/N’s cheeks were burning now, but that wasn’t all. “Maybe I’d have you ride my thigh until you’re shaking, but I wouldn’t let you cum, make you wait until you’d sucked Daddy’s cock to - oh, baby, you’re getting wet.”

Y/N had a fire in her belly and she didn’t know what it was from, but she let it come out as anger as she turned to face him. “I’m not.” She said, holding his gaze firmly.

His knee pressed itself between her legs, making her yelp and try to fight his grip again. He barely looked inconvenienced. He leaned in until his lips brushed against her ear. “You shouldn’t lie to your Daddy, sweetheart. I can smell it on you.”

Y/N wanted sorely to deny it. She really did. But she knew what she liked and apparently, so did Michael, because she could feel her pulse pounding through every part of her. Would it be so crazy to agree? Sex with a demon didn’t automatically get you possessed, she was pretty sure, and - okay, maybe on a night when she’d had a little too much to drink she’d thought about Michael and how his ever-present stubble would feel against her neck, between her thighs. It was… unconventional, but if it saved her life… plus it had kind of been a while, she'd be honest, and demons were literally meant for sin, it probably wouldn't be bad-

“Okay,” she murmured. She closed her eyes.

She expected him to just rush in then, but there wasn't some crushing kiss. He didn't grope her - he eased up on her wrists, actually. She opened her eyes again, slowly now. He was still looking at her, but his smile had eased up a little; there were less teeth in it. When she gathered the courage to meet his eyes something had changed. “Was it the daddy thing? Was that what did it?” His teasing tone was different, too. It was light. Before it had been bleeding dark and mean.

“...shut up.” She mumbled, a little cautiously. She had just agreed to be his for a night; she didn’t know what the fuck kind of rules he was going to come up with. He didn’t try to hit her, though, so maybe that was good. He smiled instead. Maybe that was worse, but right now, looking at it, Y/N didn’t think so.

“No, it’s cute. Whatever floats your boat, Y/N. Sorry about the push, by the way, but - to be fair you weren’t exactly going easy on me.” He winked as he let go of her wrists (although his knee was still in between hers and dangerously high).

Y/N wasn’t going to get caught up in this again. If the old Michael had been talking to her this way she knew she would have melted a little, but she had to forget about that. “You’ll let Lucy go. Forever. You and Calum. No chasing her.”

“I - what? I wasn’t exactly planning on getting Luce into this, although if that’s what you’re into then-”

“No.” The harshness of her voice surprised both of them. “I’m not joking. You let her go, you leave her alone, you let her walk out of here unharmed. If I-I sleep with you. Those are my terms.” Y/N wasn’t falling for any of their stupid tricks again.

Michael looked a little annoyed, but none of that nightmare anger flashed across his face. He took a very deep breath, probably because demons were assholes and he knew that making this deal was killing her. “In the morning. Sunrise. We’ll let you both leave. I swear.”

Y/N relaxed, just a little. Okay. Okay. “And Calum can’t hurt her in the meantime.”

“That’s - yeah, okay, that’s fair. Calum!” Michael yelled, turning away from Y/N.

Calum poked his head out of the bedroom, frowning. Was he not wearing a shirt? “I’m a little busy, Mikey.”

“I’m making a deal with Y/N, you have to let Lucy go at sunrise.”

Calum cocked his head, looking Y/N over. It felt like being searched at the airport. “...yeah, alright.” He started to head back into the bedroom, and that was when Y/N saw the scratch on his cheek. Maybe she didn’t need to worry so much about Lucy.

“And you can’t hurt her.” Michael said, in a voice that bordered on the dangerous tone he had used on Y/N.

That got Calum to stop. “But I - what am I supposed to do, she’s already tried to stab me like three times -”

“You’re six hundred years old, Calum, figure it out.” Michael rolled his eyes, giving Y/N a “can you believe this idiot” kind of look that she felt all too tempted to enjoy. Calum huffed and closed the door with a jolt.

Y/N knew it was stupid to trust a demon, but there were certain rules they had to follow. As long as she held up her end of the deal, Lucy would be safe.

Oh, shit. Her end of the deal.

Y/N looked back at Michael. He wasn’t smirking at her anymore, and he wasn’t trying to mentally undress her - at least, as far as she could tell. That had to be good. Or bad, maybe, it wasn’t like she had experience with this. “Try not to look so eager, princess.” He drawled, finally pulling his knee out from between her legs. “I’m gonna go easy on you. Start you off slow.” He stepped back, giving Y/N room to breathe for a second.

She thought about running as Michael surveyed the apartment, but only for a moment. It would only make him angry, and besides, they still had Lucy. Maybe it didn’t look like it, but she was just as trapped as she had been with her wrists in his grip. It made her anxious, though, to see him being calculating. She didn’t want this to be so satisfying to him. “What are you doing?” She asked, after a silence that felt like ages.

“Hmm? Oh, I was just - dunno where to start us off, since I’ve thought about fuckin’ you on, like, every flat surface in here.” Michael said. Y/N heard herself gasp. She couldn’t help it. He turned to look at her, smiling a little. “You’re pretty when you blush.”

“I- thanks.” She said lamely, still trying to process what he had said. Was he gonna try to do something crazy with her? Did she want him to? Maybe she’d better try to head this off at the pass. “One night in your bed was the deal, I’m not - I’m not gonna do you on the coffee table.” Her voice shook, although Michael looked pleasantly surprised despite that.

“Alright, alright. You’ve got some bite in you, Y/N, can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” Michael had the audacity to look fond, and that was what finally pushed Y/N over from fear to anger. “My smart little witch.” Michael continued.

“I’m not your anything.”

Y/N had been feeling a little bit better about this ordeal until Michael gave her that look. “That’s where you’re wrong, Y/N. You’re mine for the next six hours, and I’m not gonna stand around talking till my time runs out. So.” Y/N squeaked as he caught her waist, lifting her up and spinning her around to sit her on the counter. “Why don’t you kiss me?”

“This isn’t your bed,” Y/N said, but as Michael’s hands tightened around her waist again she leaned in and gave him a kiss on the lips, just a little one. His hands stilled.

She drew back fully, leaning far enough to take him all in. His lips had been warmer than she had ever thought. Not that she had- shit.

He had planted his hands on either side of her body, and as she watched him he reached out to gently hold her chin. She steeled herself; she didn’t pull away. “It’s a start, babygirl.” He smiled, and then he leaned in and Y/N’s world went electric. He started slow, like he had said, but his lips were giving and insistant when they pressed against hers. She had been worried that he’d try to shove his tongue down her throat or taste like blood, but he was just all soft and he still smelled like his cologne. She’d thought about this - not, like, in specifics, just - this was better.

It didn’t take long for him to deepen the kiss and tug her in closer, still keeping his grip on her chin. She moved with him. His free hand found hers blindly and closed around it, pulling it up to Michael’s hair as he pressed closer to her. Y/N could figure out what he wanted, so she tangled her fingers in his hair as he pressed closer, close enough that their chests brushed. Fuck, she wished she could hate him for this. He was hot as hell - just the contact of his mouth made her feel like she was burning up. She didn't want to kiss him back completely, but she wasn’t dead in his arms, either; she didn’t know if she could help it. Just as his arm wrapped around his waist and pulled her in, she used her grip on his hair to gently (mostly) tug his mouth away from hers for some air. The kiss had been almost sweet, but she was already short of breath.

Michael wasn’t, though. His cheeks were pink, but he looked at Y/N with oceans of calm. “You're… something. You really are.” He was still holding her chin, and he ran his thumb along the side of her jaw in a way that she wasn't stupid enough to call tender. “I'm gonna wreck you tonight.” He said so gently she almost shook.

Fuck.

Michael drew her in for one last kiss - just a peck, really, it was almost innocent. He took her hands and helped her off the counter, which Y/N didn't mind because her legs were feeling a little wobbly. As he lead her through the apartment, he turned and gave her a little smile over his shoulder.

“I might be a demon, but I’ll have you calling God’s name tonight.”

Y/N blinked.

She was so fucked.

#mc one shot #mc blurb #michael clifford one shot #michael clifford blurb #my writing #one shot #okay now we should be under the cut so i'm gonna add the fun tags #witch!reader #demon!michael #sorry i couldn't write them boning #it just was Not Good #for any of us #and i feel bad not posting anything for a while #so here we are

[camsthisky]

Writing Self-Evaluation for 2016

Writing Self-Evaluation for 2016 for @camsthisky (and my sideblog @lanceaboo)

Tagged by @seitosokusha about a month ago and I’ve been putting it off bc I know looking into last year will be a serious wake up call (I’ve written a total of 6 things since the new year and it should honestly be more)

1. Lists of works published this year:

Ricompensa [KHR]

In a moment like this [KHR] 

War Torn (chs 15-23) [KHR] 

An Older Brother’s Duty [One Piece] 

It Takes a Blink [One Piece] 

And on and on we go [One Piece] 

Headphones [Voltron]

Run With Your Heart [Voltron] 

Stop Telling Me Everything is Simple [Voltron]

The Point is to Understand [Voltron]

All That Matters [Voltron]

One Word Story Game [Voltron]

It’s Getting Darker But I’ll Carry On [Voltron]

Everything is Fine (Even When It’s Not) [TMNT]

Thanks For Trying [TMNT]

The Control Freak, the Narcissist, and the Liar [TMNT]

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Probably The Control Freak, the Narcissist, and the Liar. Last year (and going into this year) was a real challenge, and I feel like the Control Freak AU was reflective of how I was feeling. I also (successfully) tried out writing in present tense, and I absolutely love the way this story flows.

It’s Getting Darker But I’ll Carry On is a close second, though. I love the way the dynamics work between Lance and Keith in IGBICO, even though I’ve all but stopped writing for Voltron at this point (which sucks, but the fandom in general is killing my writing spirit).

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Thanks for Trying or An Older Brother’s Duty are both stories that I really wish I worked harder on. The fact is, I was writing both under pressure, and neither turned out the way I had envisioned. Both are stories I’m probably going to redo within the next few years. Not now, but it’s on my to do list.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Here are two.

From The Control Freak, the Narcissist, and the Liar

The sobbing tapers off, and when Donnie looks down, Mikey’s gone still. He’s holding his breath, and Donnie’s not really sure what to make of it. As far as Donnie knows, this isn’t normal, and Donnie knows a lot.

“Mikey?” Donnie tries. “You with me?”

A shuddering nod is all Donnie gets in response, but it’s more than he was really expecting, especially with the glassy look Mikey’s got in his eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“No.” Mikey’s voice is raspy, and the sound of it makes Donnie wince with sympathy. He was probably going to be feeling that for a little while.

“Okay. That’s okay,” Donnie tells him. He holds Mikey a bit tighter. “You, uh, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. Just- Just know that I’m here and not going anywhere.”

Mikey mutters something along the lines of “thank god” and turns his face into Donnie’s plastron. They stay like that for a long time, on the floor of Donnie’s lab, with a broken toaster sitting on his lab table waiting to be fixed.

The toaster can wait. Mikey can’t. 

It’s Getting Darker But I’ll Carry On

The thing about guns were that they were loud; Lance had lucked out with his bayard. It wasn't nearly as loud as an actual sniper rifle would be, but it still made a noise that had Mullet Man wincing from where he was sitting next to him on the branch. Lance was glad they'd had time to come out here, otherwise they'd probably be hopelessly surrounded by now. 

But now they could (probably) relax. Lance had blown off the zombie’s head, and that usually did the job of stopping the things from moving, so he let out his breath in a relieved huff.

“Alright, Mullet Man,” Lance laughed, shoulders actually relaxing now that the zombie couldn't get them. He turned to his companion. “Let's go find that brother of yours.”

Mullet Man raised an eyebrow. “Mullet Man?” he asked, face scrunching up in incredulity. “Seriously?”

Lance shrugged, an easy grin pulling at his lips. “Hey, I had to call you something.”

“Then call me Keith,” the guy said. “Not Mullet Man. Who are you?”

“The name’s Lance,” he said, holding out a hand, one that Keith took. “Zombie Slayer extraordinaire.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Asghjhsj I always die whenever I get a comment from @maychorian, who I really look up to a s a writer, on any of my Voltron fics.

On War Torn, I’ve gotten a bunch of reviews that go something like “I just read through it ALL and I haven’t slept for like 48 hours bc I wanted to finish this so bad” and they always make my day (But even though I’m not one to talk, you guys should get more sleep). But my fav from War Torn has to be by KellyKatt19, who is just so sweet and amazing.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I can’t remember how much I’ve shared on tumblr before, but some of my mutuals may remember the time I had to go to the emergency room, then bounce around from doctor to doctor when they couldn’t figure out how exactly to treat me, get surgery, and then spend a week and half at home recovering from an infection almost exactly a year ago (February of 2016). I was…not very cheerful, and all I did from two weeks was cry, and feel pretty sorry for myself. I could barely muster the energy to get out of bed. I looked and felt like death warmed over, and through the entire time, and for about two weeks after that, I didn’t touch a notebook, and I couldn’t bring myself to type anything. It was a disturbing feeling. No ideas were coming to my head, I was constantly frustrated with everything, I couldn’t update anything. It was a hard time. I managed to get myself out of my funk though.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

There were two things that I never thought I would do. One, write angst (and wow, I created an entire four chapters full of it so far, and it’s still going strong), and two, write Leonardo (from TMNT) in a bad light. But I did both of them in the same story.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

The one thing that I learned this year was that not everything I write is going to perfect. Also, after experimenting more with my writing style, I found one that I really, really like, so that’s a plus.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Hopefully I can develop my writing style a bit more. I’m also hoping to get a bit better at dialogue. I suck at normal people interactions, so that’s always been a weak point for me.

10. Who was your positive influence as a writer (could be another writer or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Oh boy. Okay, well I’ve met a lot of amazing people last year. A few mutuals - @seitosokusha, @stepichu, @mithril-lace (we’ve actually been mutuals for longer than a year, I think), @lancemcgayn, @lancemcclains. I’m really lucky that I had all these wonderful people to support me, especially in my writing. Hay and Mei were awesome when it came to my insecurities about posting, and Mithril, Seito, and Steph were always there when I needed a pick me up or some advice.

The other positive influence I’ve had as a writer is probably @taizi, Without Problem Child and all the TMNT and One Piece stories, I’d definitely be a different person than I am today. All of taizi’s stories (especially PC) have made me look at the world in a different light, and I can’t express my thankfulness enough that I follow taizi, even if we don’t know each other.

Also - @omggummybear. Thank you for everything.

11. Anything from real life show up in your writing this year:

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last October, so I probably projected at some point.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Writing is always, always developing. Even for experienced writers. Just because you don’t think that you’re improving, doesn’t mean you aren’t. Don’t get frustrated with yourself if you can’t see your improvement. It’ll show, you’ve just got to give it time (that was a lesson I learned the hard way).

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Oh geez. I hope I can finish War Torn this year. I’ve had the ending planned for two years and I’m finally getting close. Maybe by chapter 30. Maybe.

I have some batfam ideas I want to get started on.

Other than that, I have a One Piece modern AU and an alive!Ace story that are both in the works. I don’t want to publish what I have yet since I already have so many WIPs. Hopefully sometime soon, though.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read: @mithril-lace, @omggummybear, @dickie-gayson (You know, only if you want to).

Man. This was more introspection than I needed. This was also really long. Thanks for reading :)

#things i was tagged in #tagged memes #writing self-evaluation #camryn rambles

[bobbystompy]

My Top 132 Songs Of 2016

Previously: 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Haven’t started writing this yet, but after peaking at 73 songs in 2013, then dipping to 67 and 71 the last two years, it is unbelievable we hit 132 (blame Spotify’s easy ability to save music and create playlists).

I debated skipping around, but nahhh, let’s get it.

As always, the criteria/info:

This is a list of songs I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs for an artist, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track; it’s not the ultimate factor, but it typically makes sharing the music easier

Speaking of... each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check out some for yourself

BOBBY VS. THE SONGS, FID

132) Kendrick Lamar - “untitled 07 | levitate”

Yeah, not gonna do the thing everyone else is doing where we pretend Kendrick is making amazing music with 2016′s throwaway release. I had to trudge through so much weird-and-not-fun stuff on “Butterfly” last year; it’s time to be done with it. Kendrick is obviously a top flight MC and could end up as an all-time great, but, like, come on -- this is from an EP of b-sides, it’s (probably) the best song... and it’s still not that memorable. How this record is ended up on so many year end best of lists mystified me.

131) Young Thug - “Drippin'”

Thugger spazzin’ around.

130) 2 Chainz f/ Lil Wayne - “Gotta Lotta”

Eh, this song’s aight; beat good, kinda sticks with you sometimes. Funny it should be listed as “2 Chainz & Lil Wayne” -- peep the very creative album art -- yet ended up as a 2 Chainz solo feature (on technicality alone) due to Weezy’s ongoing label issues. These two play off each other well.

129) Real Friends - “Mokena”

This song is good, but it’s... a little too angst-y at points.

128) Iggy Pop - “American Valhalla”

The best compliment I can give this song is it sounds unlike anything I’ve ever heard. Not a fun listen every time, but if you consciously immerse, it can definitely work.

127) The Avett Brothers - “Ain't No Man”

Good mom song; feels like fun. passed the torch with this one.

126) Paul Simon - “Horace And Pete”

Louis C.K. got Simon to write a theme song for his dramedy “Horace and Pete”, and the diminutive one came through in spades. I sometimes like to shoehorn in the f-word when singing along to help break up some of the seriousness. But yeah, this feels like a ‘60s classic even though it’s essentially brand new.

125) Frank Ocean - “Nikes”

The A.V. Club summed up my opinion of the Frank Ocean record with one swift line: “On first listen, Blonde feels like a Cracker Jack box with no toy in it.”

Amen.

Don’t get it twisted: I love Frank, still believe in Frank, and of course consider “channel ORANGE” to (objectively) be one of the greatest albums of this generation, but “Blonde”? It didn’t connect. Somewhat reluctantly, I picked this song for the list because it was the first one I heard, and it stands as a symbol of the initial hope which faded over a few listens. But when Ocean breaks in after all the high pitched singing, it does feel like a moment.

Also, this line will always stick: “RIP Pimp C / RIP Trayvon, that n**** look just like me”.

124) DJ Khaled f/ Jay-Z & Future - “I Got The Keys”

DJ Khaled is a talentless jackass, annoyingly ad libbing his way into our brains. Unfortunately, my personal favorite artist chooses to make listenable songs with him. Alas, No. 124. Jay slaying with “My wife Beyoncé, I brag different”. Future... being Future.

123) Slim Thug - “King”

The always underrated Slim Thug, hangin’ out and tellin’ you about his life. Also lifting weights. Minus points for using the Pimp C sample Jigga used in “FuckWithMeYouKnowIGotIt” only three years ago.

122) American Football - “Give Me The Gun”

This band will never hit for me as much as it does with cool/laid back guitar people, but I enjoyed this tune. And I wish my friend Luke were here to listen with me.

121) Craig Finn - “Screenwriters School”

Craig Finn, as slow and chill as you’ll ever hear him.

120) Mikey Erg - “1001 Smashed Motel Rooms”

Solid verses, big chorus, and you can almost, like, tell he’s bald by the voice (not an insult).

119) Cassadee Pope - “Summer”

The former Hey Monday singer goes in on the strongest season.

118) The Cool Kids - “Connect 4″

It’s very difficult to write about The Cool Kids without using the word “cool”, but man, these guys have such a great interplay. It’s not two separate dudes taking turns; it’s a glorious intertwine with true chemistry.

117) Third Eye Blind - “Cop vs. Phone Girl"

This is our first song I’d call an imperative listen. I say this because you need you to hear Stephan Jenkins sing “Why's it so hard to say ‘Black Lives Matter’? / Doesn't mean that you're anti-white / Take it from me, I'm super fucking white”.

He remains bulletproof.

116) Wakrat - “Sober Addiction”

I was positive this song was a jam after one listen, but I’ve listened 3-4 times since, and it’s gotten progressively worse each time. If that’s not enough of a hook, the singer is the Rage Against The Machine bassist.

115) Owl Meet Rabbit - “This Side Of The Nut House”

A Christmas song with a “National Lampoon” reference.

114) YG f/ Drake & Kamaiyah - “Why You Always Hatin?”

Still a little unclear why Drake keeps agreeing to be in YG songs. His verse references sliding into DMs.

113) Yo Gotti f/ Nicki Minaj - “Down In The DM (Remix)”

...and we also have a track titled after it. My biggest memory with this song will be feeling sick in an Uber from Chicago to Forest Park on, like, a weekday morning but still mustering the nerve to laugh at the chorus, which is egregious enough before the “bridge” of “Snapchat me that pussy, if it’s cool”. Seriously. RIP, music.

112) The Dirty Nil - “Zombie Eyed”

This rips.

111) Microwave - “Homebody”

A good song that pulls you in further when the distortion gets bigger in the chorus.

110) AJJ - “Terrifyer”

Some days, you're a member of Queen Other days, you're a Kottonmouth King Some days, you're Emilio Estevez Other days, you're Charlie Sheen

109) Band of Horses - “Casual Party”

These guys are all smooth harmonies.

108) Fitz and the Tantrums - “HandClap”

This song is pretty unoffensive, but it’s catchy enough to work.

107) Nothing - “The Dead Are Dumb”

“The Dead Are Dumb” -or- if the “Twin Peaks” theme actually went somewhere.

106) Car Seat Headrest - “Unforgiving Girl (She's Not An)”

This band kinda reminds me of The Strokes; just a liiiiiitle less New York street and a tad more indie.

105) Vince Staples f/ Kilo Kish - “Loco”

Vince got into the news this year after defending the mom who had an extreme distaste for his lyrics in 2015′s “Norf Norf”. Let’s just say she also would not enjoy this one. His interplay with Kilo is on point.

104) GTA f/ Vince Staples - “Little Bit of This”

‘ey, it’s Vince again, and this one is stronger; somehow topping the high energy of “Loco” with another level of fire-spitting.

103) The Living End - “Monkey”

The Aussies broke a 13 year album hiatus with 2016′s “Shift”, and “Monkey”, one of the lead singles, did not disappoint. There will always be a place for songwriting like this.

102) Vic Mensa - “16 Shots”

This song is so raw and street and real. Sometimes you hear something, and it just cuts like a knife. I’m talking a “Straight Outta Compton” level here. Mensa has thoughts on police brutality in Chicago, and he ain’t holding back. He played this live on Kimmel, and his solemn-yet-wired energy could not be ignored.

101) Boyd & The Stahfools - “Summerly”

Some might say BATS sold out with this very commercial ode to Pollyanna’s raspberry wheat ale, but when you consume as much of it as those boys do, I say it’s legit art.

100) Macklemore & RL f/ J. Woods - “White Privelege II”

This is kinda like the Third Eye Blind message on Black Lives Matter, only the exact opposite. It’s... quite heavy handed, and while I like that from Macklemore, I realize a lot do not. All I can say in his defense is, like, man, it really seems like this dude is trying, and he certainly attempted to involve the right people. If that’s not good enough for you, I get it.

(Plus, he kinda digs on Iggy; throwing y’all a bone, just take it.)

99) Conor Oberst - “A Little Uncanny”

Oberst sounds a ton like Bob Dylan in this one, but he also sounds a ton like Oberst. It’s kinda like two massive folk tidal waves crashing into each other.

98) Cymbals Eat Guitars - “Have A Heart”

CEG -- despite a terrific name -- have always made music that felt obtuse, but this is the first song that felt ready-made to, like, give normal people a window to check out the band.

97) Green Day- “Bang Bang”

Everyone wants to over-analyze Green Day. But if you don’t do that, you’ll enjoy this as a fast and easy pop-punk song. It plays at my gym sometimes, and I always kinda assume people are annoyed by it. To quote Josh from “Heavyweights”, this pleases me.

96) James Vincent McMorrow - “Get Low”

Chill/cool.

95) The Flatliners - “Hang My Head”

This won’t end up in their all-time Top 5, but it’s a good song, and it was nice to hear from this band in 2016.

94) AFI - “Snow Cats”

This would sound right at home as a mid-tempo number on “Sing The Sorrow”.

93) Jay Electronica - “#TBE The Curse Of Mayweather”

Oof, what a shitty title. So, this is Jay Elect’s “blast back” at Kendrick Lamar after K-Dot slaughtered the rap game (and shit, maybe rap itself) in 2013′s “Control”. But here’s the thing... “Control” was “Control”. No one is topping “Control”. No one is successfully going at “Control”. That’s in its own stratosphere. Was it fun to see the enigmatic MC try? Sure. Did it make any type of impact? Eh, no. But I did enjoy the fake Kendrick voice.

92) The Dyes - “Loudmouth”

Out of every song so far, I’ve found this the toughest to write about. My favorite part is probably the way the guitar and bass play off each other, but my second favorite part has to be how sinister and swaggery it sounds.

91) Big Sean - “Get My Shit Together”

Maaaan, I missed Big Sean in 2016 after an extremely fruitful 2015. The few times he did surface -- on other people’s songs -- he stayed in form, so you’ll see more of him as this goes.

It feel like young Ray Allen with the white twins

90) Emeli Sandé f/ Jay Electronica & Áine Zion - “Garden”

Serene, with a fitting Jay Elect verse.

89) Yumi Zouma - “Haji Awali”

Chiller than a Coleman.

88) Jimmy Eat World - “Get Right”

We’ve talked about this before, but JEW typically have sunny day feel good songs, or nighttime darkness-type songs; this one’s the latter.

87) Into It. Over It. - “No EQ”

Sooooo good; melodic and percussive and soulful. It tugs at your heart just the right amount.

86) The Front Bottoms - “Joanie”

This really, really sounds like a Front Bottoms song, which I mostly mean as a compliment but also... am slightly worried about as it pertains to future material.

85) The Lumineers - “Ophelia”

Would I like to steal this song and give it to a girl and say I wrote it to mega impress her? Uh, duh. Piano for dayz.

84) Viola Beach - “Swings & Waterslides”

Kinda a lighter version of the Arctic Monkeys; mostly the singing... but in a big way.

83) The Game - “92 Bars”

It’s sposta be a Meek Mill diss, but it’s basically Game freestyling about a buncha stuff over a workable beat. Some real solid lines, too. My favorites:

- “I can kill you in four bars, that's a Kit Kat”

- “Let me tell you who suck, like banana Now and Laters” (haha)

- “Give me Left Eye back, take Fetty Wap and the Raiders”

- “Gum by them Yeezys, I'm the 6'5" Eazy” (MVP bar?)

- “This the Golden State and my shooters ain't on no hoop shit” (coooold)

82) OMI - “Hula Hoop”

I’mma give the write up here to my girl Alyssa Pawola, via her husband, Jeff Pawola (who watched the video after she was told the song reminded me of him):

She agreed with you!

She says it's because the singer dances similar to me and is a little goofy (compliment?), whereas all the girls around him are really good dancers (thus, her).

81) Joey Purp f/ Chance The Rapper - “Girls @”

If you’re not all-in on this song by the seven or eight second mark, then you can probably pass. HOWEVA, Chance and his 3 hat appear later on, so we call that incentive, young Bucky.

80) Vinnie Caruana - “I Don’t Believe You”

The feels like a last-song-on-the-record kinda track.

/looks up if it was the last song on the record

...8 of 10!

(Close enough.)

79) No Lenox - “Leave”

This song is heart and blood, with a rare use of “fucking” from Chris Trott.

78) JANK - “Versace Summer”

JANK is interesting. All of their artwork and motif make them seem like stoners (and maybe they are), but the music itself is so technical and synced. Like, you know they’re trying and very capable. So as weird as seeing “Versace” next to “JANK” might look, maybe it’s this high end brand that truly does fit their sound over, say, Faygo. But yeah, by the time this song is done, even though they’ve played the chorus a handful of times, you probably wouldn’t mind a handful more.

77) White Lung - “Dead Weight”

This band is just the coolest shit. They always go so, so hard, but this time, there’s a guitar playing mega bad ass leads to help even things out. I would believe you if you told me the guitar was also shooting lasers.

76) Descendents - “Without Love”

Like The Living End, the Descendents have also been out of the ‘releasing new records’ game for over a decade. And as jokey of a band as they’ve been in the past, this song has some of the same earnestness and vulnerability we heard on 2004′s “Cool To Be You”.

75) Andrew Bird - “Roma Fade”

For sure a candidate for coolest song title of 2016.

74) LVL UP - “Hidden Driver”

This is too indie for its own good.

73) A$AP Ferg f/ Big Sean - “World Is Mine”

Mostly included for Sean. Sorry, Ferg -- but you did give him the hook and a verse.

72) AM Taxi - “Enough To Feel Like Enough”

Like The Front Bottoms song from earlier, this AM Taxi song is very AM Taxi. But I ain’t ever worried about AM Taxi.

71) Rozwell Kid - “Baby’s First Sideburns”

Not sure I’ve ever heard a weak song by this band.

70) PARTYNEXTDOOR f/ Drake - “Come And See Me”

If you wanted to upset your love interest in 2016, hitting him or her with the “I hear you talkin' 'bout ‘we’ a lot, oh, you speak French now?” line was probably a good place to start.

69) Tancred - “Bed Case”

Kinda ‘90s, right? Nice.

68) Thrice - “Blood On The Sand”

Moderate take alert: I purport the Thrice singer sounds like Dave Grohl in this song, particularly during the chorus. Come at me with your agrees or disagrees.

67) MakeWar - “Ode”

The dude on this band’s album cover always reminds me of Rafa Nadal, which is weird, as I’d argue he looks -20% like Rafa Nadal. This song has a downcast energy. I think I wanna see these dudes live.

66) PKEW PKEW PKEW - “Asshole Pandemic”

Party punk, wooooo. You will not find a more circular 2016 lyric than “Why’s this fuckin’ dick gotta be such a cock?”

65) Adam Friedman f/ Mike Posner - “Lemonade”

blue eyes >>> brown eyes, Adam.

64) Matt and Kim - “Let’s Run Away”

As always-always-always, Matt and Kim are having more fun than we are.

63) Ariana Grande f/ Nicki Minaj - “Side To Side”

As recently as 40 days ago, I was emaling my friends about this track with the very loaded “I’m not sure this song is good at all”.

My buddy Brian’s response will probably jar you like it jarred me:

Gotta say, I have a soft spot for this song. I think the beat is pretty banging and the subject matter is a plus. Like, we do have to acknowledge that she's walking side to side because she's been having sex with dude all night and day and now her vagina is too sore to walk like a regular person. I can dig that.

Well then.

62) With You. f/ Vince Staples - “Ghost”

Weird music video, but definitely my favorite version of Vince that we got in 2016.

61) Fifth Harmony f/ Ty Dolla $ign - “Work From Home”

I was listening to this song with my girlfriend the other day, and I said something like “This song could really use a rap cameo”. Enter: the very forgettable Ty Dolla $ign. Still, a fun, sexty song. Also, I believe this is our first -- and only? -- song to have over one billion YouTube views (!!!).

60) Masked Intruder - “If Only”

This made it over other MI candidates due to the Winnie Cooper reference.

59) Fat Joe, Remy Ma, Jay-Z f/ French Montana & Infared - “All The Way Up (Remix)”

An easy chorus for sports teams to co-opt, as well as a “fuck off me” Jay verse. He bucks “Lemonade”, ups his products for the infinite time, and drops the mic after:

The OG's say, "Hov, how high is high enough?" I said "'till we eye and eye with the higher ups" Until we let 'em know, we ain't those n****s Until our baby's showered in gold, n**** Blue looking like Pac in the tub David LaChapelle levels of not giving a fuck Prince left his masters where they safe and sound We never gonna let the elevator take him down

Man.

Worry not, cockroach French is around to muck things up. It’s salvaged by a real dope Remy Ma verse, though.

58) Al Scorch - “Everybody Out”

The perfect soundtrack for escaping a busted speakeasy.

57) Tegan and Sara - “Dying To Know”

This song makes the list because the “Boyfriend” chorus was lazy as hell; it was like the “Closer” chorus, version 2.0. Conversely, “Dying To Know” has real emotion and a big, legit chorus.

56) Bloc Party - “The Good News”

A song I fear no one will like but me... but hey, my list.

55) New Lenox - “It’s Its Own Thing”

This is a song I wrote (and drummed on) about how winter sucks. It’s also about Chicago, being alone, finding someone, and using Banner Pilot to get through tough, frozen times. Shout out to Dave Rokos for singing the majority of the leads and Chris Trott for producing.

54) Julien Baker - “Photobooth”

I became enamored with the voice and talent of 21-year-old phenom Julien Baker throughout 2016, and though she released her debut album in 2015 (ALL TRACKS DISQUALIFIED, CHICA), she did drop this Death Cab cover for The A.V. Club this year, so I found a way to get her in the door. Now that we’re all here, I’ll give the floor to Deadspin’s Tom Ley:

What I did not expect was to like this version of the song so much that I now become visibly disgusted when I try to go back and listen to the original. Like all the good, thoughtful teens of my era, I spent a lot of time listening to Death Cab in my car, and I used to nod along pleasantly when “Photobooth” came on. But now I’m just angry I ever wasted any time listening to a lesser version of the song. In my opinion, Death Cab should just turn their entire catalog over to Julien Baker and be done with it.

Ironically, I will be seeing Baker open up for Death Cab singer Ben Gibbard later this January.

53) Desiigner - “Panda”

This is a bad song... but it’s incredibly listenable (for about 30 seconds, only it keeps going for a normal amount of time). It got upped on Kanye’s album, which likely sparked public interest in this mumble rap disaster. Literally the best thing you can say is it’s a Future rip off -- and he’s not all that great to begin with.

/sadly looks up YouTube view total

190 million; Fifth Harmony is like “pshhhh”.

Yet, “Panda” somehow endures. It feels fresh, saying “panda” repatedly never seems to tire, and it burned down the dance floor at Brian Pawola’s wedding this summer; old and young alike wanted to be pandas.

Now is also probably a good time to disclose my Halloween costume...

52) Cloud Nothings - “Modern Act”

Me, blogging about my excitement for the new Cloud Nothings album that drops in three weeks.

51) A Tribe Called Quest f/ André 3000 - “Kids” (no link)

Welcome back.

50) Run The Jewels - “Talk To Me”

Haven’t listened to RTJ3, but it’s only been out for, like, 10 days. Still, this song is as reliably dope as they’ve always been. I also felt compelled to include ATCQ and RTJ in these spots to ensure they were not above “Panda”.

Brave men didn't die face down in the Vietnam muck so I could not style on you

49) Kevin Devine - “No History”

My aforementioned buddy Dave Rokos likes this song because of its big chorus, and I’d also like to use it as a selling point.

48) Kings Of Leon - “Reverend”

For as big as Kings Of Leon are, I haven’t really heard this song anywhere.

47) Rae Sremmurd f/ Gucci Mane - “Black Beatles”

I always thought Rae Sremmurd were kinda meh (at best) and Gucci Mane was an idiot’s idiot (at absolute best), but this song’s a banger -- and this conclusion was reached prior to it going viral with the Mannequin Challenges. Speaking of... my 2016 Black Wednesday:

A video posted by Bobby L (@bobbystompy) on Nov 23, 2016 at 7:15pm PST

46) Grimes - “Kill V. Maim”

This song is straight out of a video game or action movie. Like, get ready to fight a boss or something.

45) Dave Hause - “With You”

Heartfelt ballad that feels sprawled out across a few genres.

44) Robin Thicke f/ Nas - “Deep”

What do we get when we combine a dude with no credibility and feature a dude with tons of credibility? A sneaky sizzling collab. And if you still got beef, remember: it ain’t that deep.

43) Against Me! - “Rebecca”

A lot of people have had this AM! song on their year end lists, and I wasn’t seeing it, but after a few extra spins, it became pretty clear this was thee highlight from the album. It’s got this kinetic energy, spinning out of control while somehow maintaining perfect balance.

42) Restorations - “See”

Restorations make spectrum songs; ones you listen to while the world moves in slow motion at an airport reunion, while time stops after a death, or stretches out on an overly contemplative Sunday evening. What I’m saying is, these dudes control the clocks.

41) Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties - “Green Like The G Train, Green Like Sea Foam”

Soupy from The Wonder Years’ solo project keeps -- PUN INTENDED -- chuggin’ along with this one. He’s singing in the same gear he always sings in, but the chorus and always trusty synced rhythms that break it in two definitely get me goin’. 

40) Titus Andronicus - “No Future”

Titus Andronicus covering Craig Finn, and they add just the right amount of anguish to the proceedings. There’s such an obvious-yet-still-clever element to the “February’s about as long as it is wide” line.

39) Rihanna - “Needed Me” (NSFW-ish video)

This song is good -- Mustard on the beat, natch -- but RiRi murdering a dude in the back of a strip club in the video might be better.

38) Jeff Rosenstock - “Festival Song”

The former Bomb the Music Industry! singer dipped his toe in a few genres throughout his 2016 album “Worry”, though I’m not sure how to describe this one; it’s kind of spastic punk with some synthy keyboards and a catchy outro, strong enough to throw two capable haymakers as the song enters its final minute. 

37) The Steve Adamyk Band f/ Colleen Green - “Carry On”

I hadn’t even heard of this band a month ago, but “Carry On” has quickly become a favorite; toe-tappin' rock.

36) The Naked And Famous - “Higher”

This band seems like they’d have -- there is no better word I’m so sorry -- epic concerts. Also, don’t miss out on the “In The Air Tonight”-sounding fills.

35) Phantogram - “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore”

Brilliant drum samples, drug stuff, and a pop sensibility; you seriously could not ask for more.

34) Child Bite - “Vermin Mentality”

This song is quite harsh, and I imagine if you had individual approval ratings for all 132 of these songs, it would very easily finish in the bottom five. That said, I think it rocks, and it reminds me of the Dead Kennedys’ best scenario.

33) Joyce Manor - “Last You’ve Heard Of Me”

Sure, I reacted like a mom when I saw Barry’s new neck tattoo in the video, but the song was the redeemer. Recommended if you like the Everclear “Santa Monica” intro, marijuana makes you tired, or you’ve found love in the parking lot outside a karaoke bar.

32) Cassino - “Alabama Song”

If you did happen to listen to “Vermin Mentality”, this’ll probably be the song to get that taste out of your mouth. I love its overall laid back vibe, even if what it’s about remains unclear after a good chunk of listens.

31) Direct Hit! - “Was It The Acid?”

This one lost several punk points after the singer revealed he did not use hard drugs. But still.

30) Bayside - “Pretty Vacant”

My buddy Brian Pawola doesn’t like this song because of the teenage-y “I can’t believe this is my life, I’m pretty vacant all the time” chorus, but that’s precisely why I do. Also, apparently the album it’s off of is called “Vacancy”, haha.

29) PUP - “Familiar Patterns”

Feels weird not picking a single, but this one was always my favorite; the same percussive power, shreddy singing, and unrelenting noise we got in their debut a few years ago. Also funny: they named their 2016 album “The Dream Is Over”, which is what the PUP singer’s doctor told him after diagnosing his vocal chord ailment.

28) Tokyo Police Club - “Not My Girl”

Sometimes, I wanna tell non-punk fans TPC is what all punk rock sounds like, because even though the band has more of a pop-indie element, they do seem like the genre’s best case scenario more often than not.

27) The Falcon - “If Dave Did It”

Feels like sacrilege picking a Dave Hause fronted track for my Falcon choice. After all, this is Brendan Kelly’s group, and after an EP and two full lengths, it’s Dave’s first ever time fronting a song in the band. But this song kept standing out. It also has a small drum solo, and even though basically all drum solos are bad, Neil Hennessy’s on the kit -- so you know you’re in good hands.

26) Chance The Rapper f/ 2 Chainz & Lil Wayne - “No Problem”

Chance’s “Coloring Book” was so positive and creative and multi-faceted that it feels a little wrong to pick a song that’s more traditional rap with typical guests, but it really is the best song, you know? For whatever reason, Lil Wayne’s nonchalant verse was my favorite, with his initial bars being the highlight:

I got problems bigger than these boys My deposits, they be on steroids Lord, free the Carter, n****s need the Carter Sacrificin' everything, I feel like Jesus Carter

But sure, we can also highlight funny 2 Chainz things:

- “Inside of the Maybach look like it came out of Ikea / Run shit like diarrhea” (oh my god)

- “Aye, aye, captain / I'm high, captain / I'm so high / Me and God dappin'” (haha)

Also, if you don’t raise-and-drop your arms for the “huh! huh!” part before the beat kicks in at the beginning after “lobby”, you’re a monster.

25) David Rokos - “Pacific Time”

Falling in lust with a California girl who has the keys to bomb ass hotel room overlooking the ocean? What self-deprecating heterosexual dude isn’t signing up for this?

24) NOFX - “Six Years On Dope”

Thrash punk, with Fat Mike and Eric Melvin divvying up the vocals after arguing to start the song. Here’s the July 2016 description I emailed to the gf:

So, the lead singer has kind of a flat, annoying voice, but then there's this guitarist who mostly does yell parts and not a lot of leads, but in this song, they both basically trade off yelling, and the guitar is blaring, and it just does not relent. They've released a million records at this point, but something about it feels so fresh. Like new blood has been infused into all of them.

You will like... 0% of this.

Her response: “Hahaha. I wouldn't say that I hate this...but it's pretty close.”

23) Beach Slang - “Future Mixtape For The Art Kids”

Of all the artists on this way-too-long list, I had the hardest time picking a Beach Slang song. This is probably because all of their songs sound the same. But as a writer earlier this year said, it’s still a good song. So true. I went with Track 1 from their album “A Loud Bash of Teenage Feelings” (this is the actual title) because it has the biggest chorus:

We're not lost, we are dying in style We're not fucked, we are fucking alive I hope I never die

Every Beach Slang song also has to include “die” or “alive” in the lyrics; this one gets both. Minor gripe: that vocal distortion you hear is an effect used on every other song on the 29 minute record.

22) Kid Cudi f/ André 3000 - “By Design” (no link)

When you think too much, you’re removing what’s moving

This song could literally be in a made up language, but the diction, beat, and Caribbean stylings from Cudi and 3 Stacks would still make you wile out. The full version appears to be nowhere on the free Internet, but I highly recommend finding it.

If you’re too lazy, peep Cudi’s “Goodbye” instead. It’s a pump up track that samples 2Pac and Pink Floyd -- what could go wrong?!

21) Anderson .Paak - “Come Down”

My buddy Ceebs used this as the entrance song at his wedding; he and his wife looked so cool.

20) The Weeknd - “False Alarm”

Listen, I wanted to include “Starboy”. But after shunning “The Hills” for “Can’t Feel My Face” in 2015, I wanted to pick the weird song over the poppier one this time, OK? This music video is so violent. I also really do wonder if this song has borderline punk elements.

19) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Higher”

Just a Carly Rae “Emotion” b-side cracking the Top 20, no big deal. Seeing CRJ in Milwaukee in March was my favorite concert of 2016; so much so that I saw her in Chicago the next day and even exchanged a shirt (...cutoffs) with the merch guy I’d met already.

18) Brian Fallon - “Red Lights”

We have The Gaslight Anthem singer’s solo project here. This could definitely be a TGA song. “I only stop to tell her that I love her at the red lights” = unstoppable swoon.

17) Jay-Z - “Spiritual”

I need a drink, shrink or something I need an angelic voice to sing something

A song that should’ve had a much bigger spotlight in an incredibly tumultuous year. I remember listening to this during the Dallas shootings, my heart absolutely breaking for the country. Here is the statement Hov released with the track:

16) Justin Timberlake - “CAN’T STOP THE FEELING!”

Our Song of the Summer, 2K16.

The one critique you could give is maybe it’s a little too easy, a little too low hanging fruit, but my counter would be: who said pop music has to be terribly difficult? And if you’re still folding arms during the “Can’t stop the fee-laaaaahn” falsetto part, having fun probably isn’t your bag.

15) Get Well Cards - “Is It Worth It?”

I think you’re trying to kill me, when you said you’d lick my wounds

I play drums on this jam, but it’s Dave Rokos’ songwriting that gives me all the feels. It always reminded me of a slightly more restrained “Good Things”. This song is about sleeplessness, deep contemplation, and a deteriorating relationship; you don’t know if you should do everything you can to hold on... or mercifully let it all go (”And they say time is all we have to give / And I think I’ve given you enough”... oof).

14) Resolutions - “Daily Train”

Blindly assumed this band was from Canada, but, upon further research, it looks like Germany. Hmm. The singer sounds like the Rise Against dude to me.

13) Mike Posner f/ Big Sean - “Buried In Detroit (Lucas Lowe Remix)”

Hunger > Strategy

The Mike Posner comeback was one of the more delightful storylines of 2016. Though I liked “Ibiza” quite a bit, I had a softer spot for the one with his fellow Michigander. This is my favorite Big Sean performance of the year, and Posner’s verses and choruses are straight anthemic.

12) blink-182 - “Rabbit Hole”

Though we can all agree “Built This Pool” is the best song of all-time (Travis’ “Is that really it?” = completely perfect), “Rabbit Hole” was a bit more well-rounded -- and it’s Matt Skiba getting in the mix in a blink-182 song (verse two); I can’t believe we’re here.

11) Kanye West f/ Kendrick Lamar - “No More Parties In L.A.”

In honor of its number on our dear list, my Top 11 favorite bars from this banging banger of a song...

11. Kanye: “And as far as ‘Real Friends’, tell all my cousins I love 'em / Even the one that stole the laptop, you dirty motherfucker” (he’s not over it)

10. Kanye: "My psychiatrist got kids that I inspired / First song they played for me was 'bout their friend that just died” (creepy, ominous)

9. Kanye: “Hey baby, you forgot your Ray Bans / And my sheets still orange from your spray tan” (very South Naperville)

8. Kendrick: “She said she came out here to find an A-list rapper / I said baby, spin that 'round and say the alphabet backwards” (the young MC will not be slighted)

7. Kanye: "Thinking back to how I got here in the first place / Second class bitches wouldn't let me on first base" (those days are probably over, Yeezy)

6. Kanye: “Got pussy from beats I did for n****s more famous / When did I become A list? I wasn't even on a list” (those days are also probably over, Yeezy)

5. Kendrick: “Well cutie, I like your bougie booty / Come Erykah Badu me" (that’s just good game)

4. Kanye: “Every agent I know, know I hate agents / I'm too black, I'm too vocal, I'm too flagrant” (empowering)

3. Kanye: “I was uninspired since Lauryn Hill retired / And 3 Stacks, man, you preach it to the choir” (golden)

2. Kanye: "Mulholland Drive, need to put up some god damn barricades / I be paranoid every time, the pressure / The problem ain't I be drivin' / The problem is I be textin'" (we’ve all been there)

1. Kanye: “I be worried 'bout my daughter, I be worried 'bout Kim / But Saint is baby 'Ye, I ain't worried 'bout him” (and we’ll end with my favorite rap lyric of 2016)

10) Daya - “Hide Away”

It took a few listens to realize how sublime this one is. The lyrics are solid, the beat is great, and they display some real patience with how the hi-hat notes are deployed, and it really helps control the flow of urgency (Posner uses this tactic in the “Buried In Detroit [Remix]” as well).

Also, don’t sleep on its grocery store banger potential with the happier sounding and cutesy “Tell me where the good boys go” bridge.

9) Beyoncé f/ Kendrick Lamar - “Freedom” (note: link is to the live performance)

This is big.

I remember when “Lemonade” dropped, I was txting with my friend Buffalo Grove Tina (she’d heard the album and I hadn’t yet), giving her selective feedback as I was progressing through the tracks. She then sent a message that stuck with me every listen since:

Hooooooly buckets, she nailed it. The Just Blaze beat should be sent to the CDC, Yoncé is breathing fire, and once you start to finally wrap your head around all of that, you get a K-Dot verse as icing on a cake that already had great cake and great icing. It’s run-through-walls time.

8) Drake - “One Dance” (note: link is to the live version)

Drake has been so consistent with his output this decade, turning every year into a "Should I pick the hip-hop song or the pop song?" debate when it comes to list-making. This time, the pop song wins (or dancehall, really).

"One Dance" is a good joint to drink, dance, or sway to. There's a reason it became his most streamed song of all-time.

7) The Hotelier - “Piano Player”

What a beautiful piece of music. The warmness I feel during the “I don’t know if I know love no more” is unmatched. Their album (”Goodness”) is one of the year’s best.

6) Culture Abuse - “Dream On”

This song is automatic pulverization. Like, about 80% of the way through, it tries to end but somehow can't. The chorus isn't ready to be done. Some have compared the singer's style to a robot, but I think it just sounds *cool*.

5) Japandroids - “Near To The Wild Heart Of Life”

She kissed me like a chorus

Skeptics might hate on this song for sounding like a retread of their sound from 2012's legendary album "Celebration Rock", and even non-skeptics may roll their eyes at the "I used to be good, but now I'm bad" line. But I shun these trigger happy notions. Enough time has passed since “CR”, and I was ready for this band to come back; beyond ready. This song gave me everything I was missing during the Japan-void.

/walks out of the room with an unflinchingly straight face

4) Pusha T f/ Jay-Z - “Drug Dealers Anonymous”

My pick for the best hip-hop track of the year. No choruses, no trade offs; it’s one long Pusha verse, then one long Jay verse -- the best rap verse of 2016, by my count. Pusha’s is galvanizing too, though. He paints pictures, conjures the Flint water crisis*, and sets up a bowling pin for the GOAT to roll one at...

/deep breath

Just, like, fuck, man.

JAY-Z IS SO GOOD AT RAPPING WORDS

Shawn Corey Carter doesn’t walk, he weaves. He doesn’t blast, he shoots silenced. I’d love to use the word “ether” to describe the verse but won’t out of respect. What doesn’t it have? I don’t know. Here’s what it does have: Tomi Lahren she gone, drug dealer stuff, rich guy stuff, historical and pop culture references (I’ll defend the “Damn, Daniel” line to the death), and this piece of divinity: “Y’all think Uber’s the future, our cars been autonomous”.

Sometimes all I can do is put my head down, bite my lip, and bob when this song comes on; lucky to be alive, like always.

(* - Pusha apparently donated water to the city but wanted it nameless, rationalizing it in the song with: “And I can’t even mention what I sent or what I spent / Cause my name in 18 wheelers is evidence”)

3) Modern Baseball - “Apple Cider, I Don’t Mind”

MoBo’s “Holy Ghost” was a little uneven as an album, but I’m just happy to have singer Brendan Lukens here with us after his bout with depression, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. By the time he got back to the studio after rehab, he was ready to give us at least a little insight into his psyche -- and it’s desperate, scary, and beautiful. My favorite overall musical moment of 2016 is the pleading “I can’t” he hits at the 1:15 mark of this one.

Clocking in at a tick under two minutes, this song almost feels incomplete in a way that 2014′s “Rock Bottom” (2:14 itself) didn’t. It’s like Lukens wants to sprint so hard he passes out, worrying not as much about finishing the race but instead focusing on giving the audience all of himself while in the booth.

2) Pinegrove - “New Friends”

Hit me, Spin:

Pinegrove are almost radically likable, soft-spoken in a year of grandiose statements, filling a void that only existed in retrospect.

Damn straight. I hadn’t even heard of these guys at the start of the year.

This goes from indie folk to a Weezer-y outro with only a short build up, but the songwriting and lyrics are in a style all their own, really. That’s it.

1) The Menzingers - “Lookers”

When this dropped, my buddy Chris Trott emailed me what he always emails me when a new song piques our interest: “Holy good god damn this is good. This is like 'I believe in music again' good.”

Shortly after, I remember leaving work for lunch and bumping the song for the first time in a parking lot. I wrote him back: “Was staring at this brick wall while listening and the first thought that popped into my head was something like 'It feels like they are taking my soul out of my body and splattering it on that wall' (in the best way, of course).”

Nostalgic verses, massive Jersey chorus, an “On The Road” reference, and the desire to want more of these songs even after you were just given everything in a single installment.

This god damn band.

#kendrick lamar #kanye west #beyonce #jay z #pinegrove #rozwell kid #masked intruder #best of 2016 #music #2016 #mobo #the hotelier #modern baseball #japandroids #pusha t #drake #daya #blink 182 #mike posner #big sean #the weeknd #justin timberlake #carly rae jepsen #beach slang #anderson paak #young thug #the menzingers #kings of leon #cloud nothings #grimes

[monasatlantis]

Kingdom Hearts 3 and why I was disappointed

(Obviously, Spoilers included.)

We were waiting forever for this game and I think that makes it natural to have high expectations, which of course also makes it easier to be disappointed in the game. Which, sadly, I was. I would give the game barely a 7 out of 10 and even tho that is not exactly bad, it isn’t as good as it should be.

 The biggest disappointing point for me in this game was, that visiting the Disney-Worlds either had no purpose at all or that sometimes the purpose was never (fully) fulfilled.

 We go to Hercules to find Soras lost powers. We do help Hercules solve the problem of his world successfully, but that’s it. We do not find a way to bring Soras powers back, we don’t even really get a hint on how to find them – besides of course, you think it is a worthy hint that Sora has to figure it out himself. I mean, come on. Even Donald says that this mission was a huge failure.

 We visit Twilight town to find Roxas… or to find a way to bring him back. But the only thing we do for it is to convince Hayner, Pence and Olette that they knew Roxas and were his friends and for some reason that I totally do not get, we opened the way to the “other Twilight town” but I have simply no Idea why we did that. It definitely did not bring Roxas back. So once again, we leave a world without fulfilling our actual goal.

 Next, we going to visit the world of ToyStory. At this point I totally lost track of why we even did that. I heard something about searching for Terra… but honestly? Did we do that? Not really, if you ask me. Besides, did Sora even know how Terra looked like or had any other hint how to recognize him, just in case he has lost his memories or something – which doesn’t seems so far off given the fact how long he has been missing. In this world, we did not even fulfill the actual goal of the world, all we do is save the people that were in danger because we interfered with this world. Yes, at least now the characters of the world know what is going on, but that’s all. I get why the characters couldn’t go back to their original world immediately, as Sora should have still been able to visit this world for training, hidden Mickeys and stuff… but why didn’t we at least found out how to get the characters back and then they decide to stay a little bit longer for Soras sake, since they can now go back whenever they need to? I felt really empty after this world, because I had the feeling all we did there was cause more problems. We solved almost nothing.

 We move on to the world of Tangled. Still I was missing a purpose and here… something else starts that made me somehow dislike most of the Disney/Pixar-Worlds. Sora becomes less and less part of the story of the actual movie that the world is based on. He misses out on several pieces of information that are needed for some things of the story of this world to make more sense. And while it was mostly minor stuff in the Kingdom of Corona it gotten worse in Frozen and Pirates if the Caribbean. The World is finished and a few pieces of information about the future of the Characters that grew on Sora were given. Okay. At least we fulfilled the purpose of the world, although Sora himself didn’t find anything but new friends and the chance to gain more experience in fighting. And even tho we constantly meet members of the organization, at that point, most of the stuff they say doesn’t make any sense or lose any meaning at the end of the game. As we never officially found all 7 new lights, nor did we actually need them. It seems more like a cheap excuse for the fact that in every world a member of the organization showed up. Like, at least they needed a purpose, although the purpose of keeping an eye on Sora was good enough for them in my eyes.

 In Monstropolis the Story was nice for once. The information given on the original movie weren’t that big, but enough to understand what was going on right now. It was one of the worlds I enjoyed a little bit more and also when Vanitas showed up, he was there with a purpose that made sense. He wanted Ventus to be finally complete and Sora has his heart hidden – which also finally added some useful information for Sora. (Which brings me back to the question of how Mickey and co. took so long to figure out that Terra was norted… because it also seemed weird that Sora so far only realized Roxas was in his heart, but not Ventus…) The worlds purpose was fulfilled and finally we see Sora doing something useful with his keyblade by locking a door. Wasn’t that always the purpose in the first two games? Weren’t we visiting the worlds to lock or unlock doors or hidden paths? Sora finally using his keyblades real power again made me almost happy.

 When we were in Frozen, we had time to actually watch a fully animated version of Elsa singing “Let it go”, but we missed out on A LOT of plot of the actual movie the world was based on. If I hadn’t seen the movie, almost nothing would have made sense in this world. I wondered why Sora never quotet Olafs “Who is this Hans?” – line as his character was just some random dude who kidnapped Elsa and tried to kill her, because Sora had basically no idea of who that guy was and why he was doing what he was doing or what connections he had to Elsa in the first place. The end of this world was also… irritating at best. Sora did not talk with the Characters again after the worlds purpose was fulfilled. No explanations, like in Tangled, no one worried about the Snow Monster despite it being blown to god knows where when he helped Sora in the fight against dark Hans – granted, we see him well in the end, but it is so not like Sora to not worry about a friend who has helped them in need and then seemingly vanished after that. This world was advertising and minigames and that’s basically it.

 The Caribbean was also a big disappointment for me (adding to the fact that I hated beein in control of this ship and fighting with it instead of with Keyblades and Magic most of the time XD) as we basically fell right into the plot of the second part of a two-part-movie and then got kicked right out of it again, then we were in again… but then we weren’t because we had to search for over a hundred fucking white crabs in PortRoyal as if there was nothing better to do with the plot of the world still somehow happening somewhere in the background. In the end Sora technically doesn’t even have enough information to understand what happened to Will or why Elizabeth suddenly is Mrs.Turner. In fact, he should barely be able to understand anything at all with the lack of informations he had. I think the only purpose of this world was Sora being able to be a pirate – don’t get me wrong, my little sunshine deserves that, but it would have been nice if he would have gotten what he deserved while actually being part of the freaking plot of that damn world.

 San Fransokyo was my favorite world, as the plot was made in a way (like in Monstropolis) that made sure that the few informations we had about the original movie were enough to mostly understand what was going on. Plus, this time too, you were mostly part of the plot yourself and not just someone who goes in and out of the worlds plot so that in the end you have no idea of what is going on. Plus, I really really liked the plot of this world and the ending of it as well. Still… we had no purpose in this world either. Granted, bad-Riku caused the problems here, so I guess it was our job to solve them, but why did we go to that world in the first place? There was no reason for it. Like in almost all the other worlds, we were just there because… well… because the game needs us for some advertisement-reasons to visit Disney-Worlds before the real Kingdom Hearts Plot can happen.

 And happen it did afterwards…

 Something that also bothered me a lot was… that suddenly, no one had trust in Soras amazing ability’s. We’ve all seen Sora doing amazing things, things people never expected him to do. He was not suppose to be chosen by the keyblade and yet he managed to be the most amazing and most powerful of all the keyblade-wielders of that age. He never got his master-title and for some reason they constantly had to pick on that, but he is yet the one who in the end did all the hard work in KH3 and made the biggest difference in almost all of the battles against the organization and also finished of Xehanort. So… when he said he wanted to go save Aqua… why did no one actually see that he was the best choice for this mission no matter how you looked at it? If anyone can show Aqua the way home then it is our Sora and I can not understand how not even Riku, who said himself that Sora would be able to swim his way out of any darkness,  believed he would indeed not be able to save Aqua. I mean, screw the power of wakening. I mean, putting aside that he never really needed that power to save Aqua or that this damn power was never lost in the first place, Master Yen Sid said it himself, that Sora can do miracles in moments of need, so why didn’t they trust he would be able to save Aqua the way he has worked countless miracles before? Mikey and Riku failed twice in the realm of darkness – since Riku would have probably not been able to win this one battle without him literally summoning Sora for help. Two fucking Keyblade Masters, who laughed about Soras wish to go and save Aqua, got saved by a guy who should not have been able to even get into the realm of darkness on his own and still managed to do so. The same guy, without a mastertitel, without finding the power of wakening in himself yet, also fought and saved Aqua himself in the end. On his own. How on gods mighty earth is it possible that people like Soras best friend Riku ever doubted that he would be able to do all this? That didn’t make any sense to me. It was totally out of character for Riku and they only did it to have an excuse to send Sora to all those Disneyworlds (for pure advertisement-reasons….) before the actual real Kingdom Hearts plot could start and I don’t like that. It makes the game look cheap in a way. I am well aware that Kingdom Hearts has always been advertisement for Disney. But this time, they overdid it, by not giving Sora any real reasons to actually be in most of those worlds.

I could also talk about the fact that it took them a damn lot of time to save Aqua, despite the fact that right at the beginning, Riku was urging Mikey on to hurry as he knew how awful it felt to be stuck in the realm of darkness. And yet they did spend multiple worlds in Hollow Bastion (and no, I am not even getting into the fact that all the Final Fantasy Characters were missing from this game…) with excuses like “finding someone that is connected to Aqua” – especially since at some point they must have screwed that idea again – or getting sidetracked and making sure they find a body for Roxas. Once again, a lot of bullshit that didn’t make much sense and once again only served the purpose to postpone the actual Kingdom Hearts plot. And I somehow get that it was necessary, but could they not have made it more realistic? Why not saving Aqua earlier but then she had to rest for a few worlds so Sora can continue his Disney-trip before saving Ventus? They did a really bad job in this game with mixing the plot of the Disney-Worlds with the Kingdom Hearts plot. And seeing that they didn’t do so well with the plot of the Disney-Worlds themselves, that makes you wonder what they were doing with this game.

 A hug point that a lot of people seems to miss when the criticize Kairis role in the Final Battle is the fact that they were starting the final battle so damn unprepared. Lea and Kairi have hardly any real-world-battle-experience. They trained in a different realm, were time didn’t really matter. Did they really learn how to beat heartless and nobodys in this world? Did they learn how a real battle feels like? How different it is to fight when there is no one who would save you if you fuck up? Did they ever fought against a keyblade-wielder who had more experience the themselves? Honestly, Kairi has always been protected. There was this one battle in KH2 were she fought, but here too she had Riku by her side, who would have never let anything happen to her. And Lea might have experience in real-world-battles against heartless and experiences keyblade-wielders, but not while wearing a keyblade himself. I mean, that showoff-scene with Sora in the Big Heroes 6 world would have never looked the way it did if Sora would not have had gained a lot of battle-experience over the past years/games. But instead of sending Kairi and Lea to some of the Disney-Worlds to give them some more real-world-experience and training, they straight up all ran into the final battle. They didn’t even train together to see how they would do as a team. In all honesty, it is well deserved that they all die when the final battle begins… because neither of them was really fully prepared. Like… at all. I mean, look at Sora, he was crying and on his knees after loosing everyone. They should have emotionally prepared them for possible losses. They should have prepared them for a lot of things. I mean… how did they even beat that damn organization if they couldn’t even take on a mass of heartless? Not to mention that no one could beat the big bads without Soras help. And Lea lost his Keyblade for a moment (however that was possible… lets not talk about that) really early on in his fight and Kairi was abducted soon after the fight started….anyone still thinking these two were really prepared at all? What was Master Yen Sid actually thinking? Was he thinking at all? Was anyone thinking?

 Something which was… a problem for me personally while playing this game was, that I felt like I had no time for emotions. Like… I was so happy when our two long lost trios were finally reunited but it just happened so… badly timed. I didn’t really had time to process it, to enjoy it. Also… the scene with Sora crying on his knees? I had tears in my eyes when I saw it in the trailer. When I saw it in the game… I felt… empty somehow? Like… I couldn’t feel it. And it happened so damn fast. And at first I wasn’t even sure that they were all dead and then suddenly we already were in this nice looking cloudy-place and… were searching for Soras. When was I suppose to let it sink in and cry with Sora? The same goes with the Ending. We have no freaking idea what happened to Sora. I felt so devastated after he vanished, but I barely cried a minute, because I… had no idea what I was crying about. What happened to my poor baby boy? And why was everything nice and fun and games before he suddenly vanished? What the hell? I really felt like the game didn’t give me any time to actually really, really, feel something. Everything happened so fast and there was no time to process it. And I wanted to feel this game so badly… this also disappointed me a lot.

 (We could also discuss how it wasn’t weakening Soras abilities that Ven and Roxas left his heart… but… lets not even go there…)

 Of course, the game had also some good side. The worlds and characters looked simply amazing. The  CGI-scenes were looking even more awesome. I have to tell you… most of the time I was simply drooling over Sora because he looked so… amazingly beautiful all the time. Speaking of Sora, it was also really amazing to be finally reunited with him. I really enjoyed being on an adventure with him again. The nostalgic-feelings he brought by simply being himself were amazing. The game was a bit overdoing it with the possibilities in fights, if you ask me, because I really think Disney-World-Rides AND transforming Keyblades were a little bit too much. But I appreciate the possibilities it could bring – although I personally never managed to use the possibilities as I found the Disney-Rides rather… annoying most of the time, as they kind of disturbed my kind of battle-style. Anyway… I was also really happy about what they did with the Story of Big Heroes 6. It felt… really good how this turned out in the end. It was also really nice that we could control Riku and Aqua for a bit, but I would have preferred actually controlling Roxas as I remember how much fun it was to fight with two Keyblades XD Also I have to tell you, I am currently watching my cousin play the game and I really have to say that you have to appreciate all the foreshadowing. Starting with the freaking Intro and continuing with the various talks with the organization-members that doesn’t usually make much sense the first time…. but make so much more sense the second time. I really loved how my cousin sat there with a big questionmark over her head while I was sitting there like: “OH! Now that all makes so much more sense!” XD And of course I was happy to be able to save all those people and reunite them with their friends. It felt good and right. Anyway… as you can see, there is a lot I do not like about the game, so getting a 7 out of 10 was actually pretty generous of me if I look at it now.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 124, October 2018

On Monday afternoon, Mum and I drove down the Princes Highway and visited the Lady Lavender's Tea Room in Bunyip. It was a beautiful 22 degree Spring day and we thought we should take the opportunity to make the most of it. We’ve driven past this place a few times on our way to other destinations such as Yarragon, Warrigul and Bairnesdale but today was the first time actually going in there. The venue is located on a large acre lot featuring many rows of lavender plants, a water fountain, scrubs, flowers, a gift shop and the tea rooms.

The tea room borrows heavily the interior decoration styles of the 1930’s with gilded floral print furniture, an old fashioned record player and varnished antique bookcases. Mum and I treated ourselves to a serving of Devonshire scones with jam and cream, a club sandwich and a pot of tea. Next we visited the gift shop next door and picked up a few items including an ABBA vinyl record from 1977, lavender spray, bag and pillow case, a plastic lotus flower.

On Monday night, I attended my Men of Doveton - 2018 session at Doveton College. After my absence last week, I was really in two minds about continuing and finishing off this program. I had so many conflicting thoughts going on inside my head (Do I really belong in this group? Do the other guys really care about me? Am I getting anything out of this program? Should I bother finishing it or just drop out now?). I guess you could say that I’ve always tried to finish what I’ve started and I’ve also started some positive lifestyle habits so it hasn’t been a waste of time for me.

I think I’ve also put a lot of internal pressure on myself to quickly form friendships and contribute more during the talks when perhaps I’m just not ready for that. Maybe letting it all sink in is a better idea. The other dilemma is my attendance record. I’ve missed two sessions and now I’m on the borderline of collecting enough stamps in my passport. If I miss one more session, I might as well kiss the graduation ceremony goodbye. So it’s now or never. Two more weeks to go.

In the first half of the session, we had a basketball training session with Brent from Casey Basketball. This is one of the few sports I actually enjoyed back in primary school, even playing it at lunchtimes and after school with some friends. But that certainly doesn’t mean that I found it easy to play. We began by doing some warm-up drills which tested our hand-eye coordination and ball handling skills. Doing dribbles and figure 8’s around your legs was challenging but fun at the same time. http://www.caseybasketball.com.au/

We then participated in a few games which involved learning how to shoot a basketball into the ring, controlling the ball and defending/attacking the ball from others. Whilst my first few attempts were crap, I was amazed to see myself scoring a few points when I focused and really tried hard. And that’s the one compliment I’ll always give myself: I do try fucking hard even if I suck at it. It was admittedly a great moment when people gave me a round of applauds for getting the ball in the ring from the three-point line. https://www.breakthroughbasketball.com/basics/basics.html

In the second half of the session, we had a lady named Sylvia return to present information on the LIFE program which helps with the prevention of type II diabetes. She got us to fill out a questionnaire to determine our level of risk as well as have measurements like blood pressure, weight and waist circumference taken by the nurse. We also had Mo talking about the benefits of physical exercise and doing a stretch demonstration as a group as well as getting us to fill out a weekly exercise planner. https://www.lifeprogram.org.au/

I was doing the best that I could to keep a straight face on throughout all of this. I feel like they tried to pack way too many activities in tonight, which I’m sure was not intentional, but I was struggling a lot. My brain was fried by the end of tonight’ session. I think there was a number of factors at play: lack of sleep and poor quality of sleep, heightened anxiety levels, not eating enough before coming, chronic fatigue, feeling pressured to get the sheets filled out and being too much of a people-pleaser. Plus the talk of type II diabetes was a major trigger and very confronting territory for me considering my grandma had a late diagnosis of it. I pretty much refuse to have the same diagnosis.

I’m still getting to know these guys and the level of trust is just not there for me. I still have a very hard time saying no to people and I feel like within this particular group of men, having a different opinion or disagreeing with someone else will ultimately go against you. It’s probably why I was beginning to feel physically ill and uncomfortable because being a “yes” person and being pressured or manipulated by others isn’t in my true nature. It’s very much an issue of self confidence and not being able to stand up for myself.

I’m all for being encouraging, supportive, positive and helping others but not at the expense of being fake. And that’s not me being negative, that’s me being real. There is also an extreme hesitation to speak up and contribute in this group. Mo does his best to encourage it but I feel like this group is just far too large to feel comfortable enough to open up. The select few that do instant get congratulated. The majority who don’t are left on the sidelines. Like many groups I’ve been a part of in the past, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, struggling to be noticed and included.

By the time I left tonight, I actually felt relieved to be out of the building and back in my car. I think I just had a lot of pent up energy and releasing it around those guys wouldn’t have gone down well at all. I’m still determined to finish off this program but after that, I think the gate will be shut for me. https://www.caseystadium.ymca.org.au/whats-on/upcoming-events/event/men-of-doveton-free-health-program-2/2018/07/30

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I visited IKEA Springvale. I was still feeling pretty worked up about everything that went down at my Men of Doveton session last night. Not only that, but I felt completely overloaded by so many commitments I had going on including work-related changes, getting my approved NDIS plan, preparing myself for my first appointment with Dr. Ricardo (consulting psychiatrist), wanting to participate in a sleep study for autistic adults, going to the gym and small group training classes, counselling sessions with Ruth, applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from them.

Thankfully going to IKEA was the positive distraction that I needed from everything that’s causing my stress and anxiety in my life. I only go there a couple of times a year but I always appreciate all the changes they make to the showrooms and items that they sell in the store. Of course the layout is still bewildering and sensory-overload with so many things to absorb at once. My favourite part will always be the Market Hall downstairs, particularly the kitchen, bathroom, lighting, wall art, flowers, plants and candle sections.

We spent about 2-3 hours just slowly navigating our way through each section, picking up mostly inexpensive homeware items like cushions, glasses, artificial plants and flowers, a lint roller, plastic bag sealers, Christmas ornaments, a bath mat, an apple-shaped candle holder. My energy levels and fatigue were very much being tested today so we decided to skip parts of it and we had to rest at the restaurant.

I’ve always found most of the food here to be pretty bland and average in quality, though I was really pleased to see that they’ve improved their coffee blend. By the time we got there, the cafeteria was packed with the lunchtime crowd and it got a bit much for me. Luckily we found a quiet area to sit down and have our lunch. Of course being IKEA tradition, we also bought a $1 hotdog each after going through the checkouts.

On Tuesday night, I attended a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. It’s been a month since I last attended a class here with a lot of other commitments taking up my time. There was also many excuses and lies brought on by my relentless, interfering anxiety (Do I really fit in here? I’m too tired to do yoga. I can’t be bothered driving there). It’s true that I’ve also been rather harsh with myself in some of my previous classes when I couldn’t perform a movement correctly or just wasn’t getting it.

Tonight I managed to let all of my unrealistic expectations and inner critic go. Accepting help from others is often a challenge for me as I used to see it as being incapable or not good enough or weak. Same with making mistakes. I had some trouble getting into the Reclining Butterfly pose with my strap getting all tangled up and not quite in the right position. But instead of beating myself up over it or getting embarrassed like I usually do, I actually laughed at myself and accepted that “Yeah, shit happens!”.

It’s good to see that the sense of community spirit is still alive within this yoga studio. I did have some reservations about coming back to Level Up Yoga but not enough to put me off entirely. A lot of it has to do with my perception of how others view me which of course leads to overthinking. This is still something I’m continuing to work on but it’s nice that other students, even ones that I’ve only just met, make the effort to include me at the studio.

That’s one of the reasons I keep coming back. Another is the fact that Aaron is passionate, committed and genuinely invested in his yoga teachings. He challenges everyone in a beneficial way and never puts anyone down. And that’s the kind of environment that I thrive in, one that is encouraging, supportive and nurturing. Where we all help one another no matter what shit we’re going through. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Thursday afternoon, Mum and I went out to Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre. You wouldn’t have to be a clinical psychologist to figure out that I haven’t been myself lately. After discovering that my counsellor Ruth had to cancel my appointment this afternoon, my mental health seemed to take a downward turn. Paired with my poor sleeping patterns, I was experiencing severe levels of irritability, poor concentration, lack of focus, low motivation, daytime sleepiness, low energy levels and low mood.

Mum was doing her best to manage my manic mood swings, treating me to coffees, a bacon and egg toastie and carrot cake but these didn’t seem to help me much. I was just spewing up a lot of negative crap like a volcanic eruption. I’ve literally been counting down the days until my first appointment with Dr. Ricardo Peralta and get myself a prescription for medication that will help me. I’m not the easiest person to deal with when I’m feeling depressed and worthless like a lifeless zombie. But Mum has always been on my side, even during the darkest of moments and I’m extremely thankful for that.

On Friday morning, Jen Angee, Mum and I went on a car trip to visit the suburbs of Ashwood and Ashburton. It was a beautiful Spring day with a light breeze and plenty of sunshine. Considering how rough this week has been for me, this was exactly what I needed to feel better about myself: Vitamin D and pleasant childhood memories. Jen gave us a history lesson of her old childhood memories growing up in the Ashburton area off High Street Road and Ashwood off Cleveland Street.

Whilst some building have been torn down, demolished, rebuilt or been renovated on, it was pleasing to see that some of the older commission houses and shops still remain in tact. A mixture of brick veneer, cement render and weatherboard with newly built front fences and modern features, they all have a historic charm to them, surviving for many decades and standing the test of time. http://www.victorianplaces.com.au/ashburton

We decided to have a browse at the nearby Op Shop and have lunch and coffee at the Milk Cloud Cafe. Of course the one thing that has changed is the degree of traffic driving down the main street with a few residents walking their dogs, riding their bikes and rushing across the pedestrian crossings. Meanwhile, the three of us were just taking our time, appreciating the many shops and elements in the streetscape. It really made for a great day out. https://www.weekendnotes.com/melbourne/ashburton/

“When I'm on my feet, I can take the heat. But when I get low I prefer the cold. I can be a hard light to ignite. All my nightmares feel like real life. Wait for the explosion. Only to anticipate. Running in slow motion. I can never get away. Sweet paralysation. No one here to keep me safe. Hyperventilation. I'm about to go insane. Wake me up and keep me conscious.” Broods - Conscious (2016)

“No one can make you change who you are. No one can take one beat from your heart. When you're standing tall. You're unbreakable. No one can make you bend, you won't fold. No one can take your shine, you're all gold. When you're standing tall. You're unbreakable.” Birds of Tokyo - Unbreakable (2018)

[funnythingshere0-blog]

Adam Driver 'SNL' Sketches Ranked Worst to First: Matt Damon's Brett Kavanaugh, Pete Davidson's Summer

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/adam-driver-snl-sketches-ranked-worst-to-first-matt-damons-brett-kavanaugh-pete-davidsons-summer/

Adam Driver 'SNL' Sketches Ranked Worst to First: Matt Damon's Brett Kavanaugh, Pete Davidson's Summer

Adam Driver may have been the host of this premiere, but it kind of felt like musical guest Kanye West got way more attention. Not only did he get his usual two musical spots during the show, he even took over the stage for a third performance at the end.

Meanwhile, Driver really only got a few chances to shine throughout the night. He was in a lot of the sketches, but he was subdued in most of them. His “Career Day” appearance was easily his most over-the-top and it showed how much he’s willing to throw himself into these characters. It was both ridiculous and hilarious.

Kanye was joined by Lil Pump for “I Love It,” but they skipped the boxy suits for bottled water costumes instead. If you thought this song barely worked as a music video, Kanye was basically saying, ‘Here hold my water’ with this performance. It worked much better when he premiered new song “We Got Love” with Teyana Taylor jumping all around the stage. They sounded stronger and the song held together much better.

For a season premiere, many of the sketches felt half-baked, as if they hadn’t quite come together fully, which is crazy. Last season, weeks that allowed this group more than one week to come up with the show were some of their strongest outings, but that just wasn’t the case here. We did enjoy Pete Davidson talking about what he did over the summer.

And we got some sneak peeks into the camaraderie of the cast behind the scenes, which is always fun. They also introduced new featured player Ego Nwodim, but she did virtually nothing this week. We’ll keep an eye on her to see how she grows throughout the season and hopefully finds her voice.

As usual, we’re ranking all the sketches from worst to first, including the Cold Open and the regular “Weekend Update” segments. We’ll skip the musical guests, because they’re not usually funny – unless Ashlee Simpson shows up. We wrap up with a look at the cast-member who had the strongest week.

MONOLOGUE – Adam Driver

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“One huge spoiler about ‘Star Wars’–” Adam Driver said, before getting interrupted by Beck Bennett, who wanted to talk about his summer. That was essentially the thrust of his monologue, the entire cast wanting to gab about their summer and Adam really hating small talk.He suffered through Kenan Thompson and Aidy Bryant, but when Pete Davidson came out, Pete wasn’t interested in sharing. “No, you’re the one person who’s summer I really want to hear about,” Adam said. But that was the end. It wasn’t hugely hilarious, but it was kind of fun watching Adam sear burning hatred into Kenan, who did his classic “Kenan face” in response.

Vermont

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Beck Bennett proposes white people leave and form their own nation, but Adam Driver says there already is a place like that: Vermont. And then the whole sketch just described “white paradise” and how much it looked like Vermont. It never got to be too much or too funny or too silly or even a little over-the-top. It was just white supremacists thinking Vermont sounds really nice. We can’t imagine Vermont loving the sketch, but otherwise it was disappointingly bland.

Fortnite

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We suppose it was inevitable considering how insanely popular it is, but “SNL” went all in on this “Fortnite” sketch. They had Kyle Mooney, Pete Davidson and Adam Driver as players, but we didn’t expect them to bring the characters to life, too, with Mikey Day as Driver’s character, and Chris Redd and Heidi Gardner rounding out the digital cast. Adam played a middle-aged father who’d never played the game before, so that was it. Mikey mimicked the ridiculous things Adam was making him do, while the other guys got irritated until they all died. But at that point, it was a mercy killing. The sketch could have been funny or had a fun twist, but it had that one visual joke and nothing else.

Rad Times at Frat U

[embedded content]

So that was a weird one. A pre-taped sketch of an 80s frat party with constant freezes to drop notes on the screen about what happened to the people after; none of it good. From the innocent, like a guy who was excited to see girls now being married to a man, to the more serious — though never going so far as assault beyond a forced kiss. We thought the sketch was going somewhere with all of this, but it never really did. Clearly a reference to Kavanaugh’s partying days, but it didn’t skate the edge to drive home any sort of point.

Pete Davidson’s Shadow

[embedded content]

If it wasn’t intentional that announcer Darrell Hammond didn’t even say Kyle Mooney’s name during the opening credits, it fed perfectly into this early-show sketch about his insecurities. After Pete Davidson got engaged to Ariana Grande, Kyle Mooney realized he might never get the recognition he so desperately craves on the show in one of his pre-taped introspective videos. These are always weird and funny and awkward, but it’s where we got the sordid saga of his long romance with Leslie Jones, too, so we’re here for it. This time, he decided to solve his invisibility problem by becoming Pete, complete with blonde hair and slacker attitude. But rather than get a pop star to date, he brought out the real Wendy Williams as his girlfriend, complete with a pig. We also got an inside look at how “SNL” handles internal problems, and it is medieval and not pretty.

Weekend Update

[embedded content]

“If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to help piece together what’s happening in your life,” Colin Jost said, as he and Michael Che went in on Kavanaugh’s blustery and angry hearing responses, though we don’t think Michael’s “might be” argument quite holds water.

[embedded content]

They saved a few moments to get into some of the other terrifying news of the summer, like that new and absolutely horrifying mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers. Who approved this monstrosity?

[embedded content]

Kate McKinnon then dropped by as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to comment and fire off some Gins-burns at everyone from Kavanaugh to Republican Senator Jeff Flake, who pushed for an FBI investigation to, as she sees it, protect his ass before he votes yes anyway.

[embedded content]

Out of nowhere, Leslie Jones interrupted as Serena Williams, despite the bit being cut. This kind of banter always helps to bring us deeper into the world of “SNL,” helping us connect to the cast-members behind the characters, and we are here for them. Plus, she did look great.

[embedded content]

Finally, and we all knew it was coming, Pete Davidson dropped by to finally answer the question Adam Driver wanted in the “Cold Open.” How did he spend his summer vacation? Well, we all know the details, but he said he hates all the attention. “It’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr. and Pete Davidson. All people who’ve gotten death threats,” he said. When asked about the prenup situation, Pete said he wanted one. “God forbid we break up and she takes half my sneakers.” He then joked he swapped her birth control for Tic-Tacs. “I believe in us and all,” he said. “I just want to make sure she cant go anywhere.”

COLD OPEN – Kavanaugh Hearing

[embedded content]

With no sign of Alec Baldwin’s Trump, we instead got a fresh and energetic exploration of the Kavanaugh hearing, with Matt Damon absolutely killing it as the Supreme Court nominee. “”I’m gonna start at an 11 and I’m gonna take it to a 15 real quick!” he shouted, setting the stage for alternating anger and tears as he cited Kathy Griffin and Ronan “Sinatra” as part of the left-wing conspiracy against him. The Senators were played by a who’s who of the cast (including Rachel Dratch), with Kate McKinnon coming unhinged as Sen. Lindsey Graham, though we’re not sure she has a completely successful take on him yet. It went a little long, but every time Damon was glowering on-screen, we realized we could take just a little bit more. If Kavanaugh is going to stay in the news cycle, here’s hoping Matt is game to keep playing him.

Career Day

[embedded content]

Pete Davidson’s 82-year-old father, played by Adam Driver, brings the fire as an oil baron who crushes his enemy and grinds their bones into the dirt. Turns out the other kids think he’s a lot cooler than either Pete or the teacher (Aidy Bryant). This was absolutely bizarre, but Adam was so committed to his ridiculous, screaming character that we found ourselves as unable to hold it together as Pete and some of the other students. This recurring sketch has always been hit or miss, but when your “parent” character is this ridiculous and played this well, it’s always going to work.

Coffee Taste Test

[embedded content]

We’ve seen this before, where Mikey Day surprises taste-test participants with a product that isn’t nearly as fancy as they think. This time, it was Burger King coffee, and this time it was Adam Driver and Cecily Strong who got to lose their s–t over it. “You fed my wife this garbage, this burger juice?” Adam shouted incensed, while Cecily kept insisting hers must be the fancy coffee. We’re not sure why these are always funny, but it’s how worked up one couple always gets over being fooled, and Cecily was hilariously clueless throughout.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK

Pete Davidson may have been the most anticipated cast-member in this premiere, if just to hear him make jokes about Ariana Grande, and he did not disappoint, but he didn’t really shine beyond his “Weeked Update” appearance. Remarkably, no single cast-member stepped up in a huge way in this very balanced episode.

So we’re going to give it to the cast-member who sold their spotlight sketch the strongest, which narrows it down to Kyle Mooney and Cecily Strong, with the edge going to Cecily for her ridiculously clueless coffee taster. Yes, we know Kate McKinnon gave us Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Lindsey Graham, but we didn’t love her Graham as much as other characters she’s done.

“Saturday Night Live” continues next week with host Awkwafina and musical guest Travis Scott, Saturday at 11:35 p.m. et on NBC.

Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at [email protected].

View Photos Getty ‘The Walking Dead’ Cast Looked Killer at Season 9 Premiere

Source: http://toofab.com/2018/09/30/adam-driver-snl-sketches-ranked-worst-to-first-matt-damons-brett-kavanaugh-pete-davidsons-summer/

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/adam-driver-snl-sketches-ranked-worst-to-first-matt-damons-brett-kavanaugh-pete-davidsons-summer/

Adam Driver 'SNL' Sketches Ranked Worst to First: Matt Damon's Brett Kavanaugh, Pete Davidson's Summer

Adam Driver may have been the host of this premiere, but it kind of felt like musical guest Kanye West got way more attention. Not only did he get his usual two musical spots during the show, he even took over the stage for a third performance at the end.

Meanwhile, Driver really only got a few chances to shine throughout the night. He was in a lot of the sketches, but he was subdued in most of them. His “Career Day” appearance was easily his most over-the-top and it showed how much he’s willing to throw himself into these characters. It was both ridiculous and hilarious.

Kanye was joined by Lil Pump for “I Love It,” but they skipped the boxy suits for bottled water costumes instead. If you thought this song barely worked as a music video, Kanye was basically saying, ‘Here hold my water’ with this performance. It worked much better when he premiered new song “We Got Love” with Teyana Taylor jumping all around the stage. They sounded stronger and the song held together much better.

For a season premiere, many of the sketches felt half-baked, as if they hadn’t quite come together fully, which is crazy. Last season, weeks that allowed this group more than one week to come up with the show were some of their strongest outings, but that just wasn’t the case here. We did enjoy Pete Davidson talking about what he did over the summer.

And we got some sneak peeks into the camaraderie of the cast behind the scenes, which is always fun. They also introduced new featured player Ego Nwodim, but she did virtually nothing this week. We’ll keep an eye on her to see how she grows throughout the season and hopefully finds her voice.

As usual, we’re ranking all the sketches from worst to first, including the Cold Open and the regular “Weekend Update” segments. We’ll skip the musical guests, because they’re not usually funny – unless Ashlee Simpson shows up. We wrap up with a look at the cast-member who had the strongest week.

MONOLOGUE – Adam Driver

[embedded content]

“One huge spoiler about ‘Star Wars’–” Adam Driver said, before getting interrupted by Beck Bennett, who wanted to talk about his summer. That was essentially the thrust of his monologue, the entire cast wanting to gab about their summer and Adam really hating small talk.He suffered through Kenan Thompson and Aidy Bryant, but when Pete Davidson came out, Pete wasn’t interested in sharing. “No, you’re the one person who’s summer I really want to hear about,” Adam said. But that was the end. It wasn’t hugely hilarious, but it was kind of fun watching Adam sear burning hatred into Kenan, who did his classic “Kenan face” in response.

Vermont

[embedded content]

Beck Bennett proposes white people leave and form their own nation, but Adam Driver says there already is a place like that: Vermont. And then the whole sketch just described “white paradise” and how much it looked like Vermont. It never got to be too much or too funny or too silly or even a little over-the-top. It was just white supremacists thinking Vermont sounds really nice. We can’t imagine Vermont loving the sketch, but otherwise it was disappointingly bland.

Fortnite

[embedded content]

We suppose it was inevitable considering how insanely popular it is, but “SNL” went all in on this “Fortnite” sketch. They had Kyle Mooney, Pete Davidson and Adam Driver as players, but we didn’t expect them to bring the characters to life, too, with Mikey Day as Driver’s character, and Chris Redd and Heidi Gardner rounding out the digital cast. Adam played a middle-aged father who’d never played the game before, so that was it. Mikey mimicked the ridiculous things Adam was making him do, while the other guys got irritated until they all died. But at that point, it was a mercy killing. The sketch could have been funny or had a fun twist, but it had that one visual joke and nothing else.

Rad Times at Frat U

[embedded content]

So that was a weird one. A pre-taped sketch of an 80s frat party with constant freezes to drop notes on the screen about what happened to the people after; none of it good. From the innocent, like a guy who was excited to see girls now being married to a man, to the more serious — though never going so far as assault beyond a forced kiss. We thought the sketch was going somewhere with all of this, but it never really did. Clearly a reference to Kavanaugh’s partying days, but it didn’t skate the edge to drive home any sort of point.

Pete Davidson’s Shadow

[embedded content]

If it wasn’t intentional that announcer Darrell Hammond didn’t even say Kyle Mooney’s name during the opening credits, it fed perfectly into this early-show sketch about his insecurities. After Pete Davidson got engaged to Ariana Grande, Kyle Mooney realized he might never get the recognition he so desperately craves on the show in one of his pre-taped introspective videos. These are always weird and funny and awkward, but it’s where we got the sordid saga of his long romance with Leslie Jones, too, so we’re here for it. This time, he decided to solve his invisibility problem by becoming Pete, complete with blonde hair and slacker attitude. But rather than get a pop star to date, he brought out the real Wendy Williams as his girlfriend, complete with a pig. We also got an inside look at how “SNL” handles internal problems, and it is medieval and not pretty.

Weekend Update

[embedded content]

“If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to help piece together what’s happening in your life,” Colin Jost said, as he and Michael Che went in on Kavanaugh’s blustery and angry hearing responses, though we don’t think Michael’s “might be” argument quite holds water.

[embedded content]

They saved a few moments to get into some of the other terrifying news of the summer, like that new and absolutely horrifying mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers. Who approved this monstrosity?

[embedded content]

Kate McKinnon then dropped by as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to comment and fire off some Gins-burns at everyone from Kavanaugh to Republican Senator Jeff Flake, who pushed for an FBI investigation to, as she sees it, protect his ass before he votes yes anyway.

[embedded content]

Out of nowhere, Leslie Jones interrupted as Serena Williams, despite the bit being cut. This kind of banter always helps to bring us deeper into the world of “SNL,” helping us connect to the cast-members behind the characters, and we are here for them. Plus, she did look great.

[embedded content]

Finally, and we all knew it was coming, Pete Davidson dropped by to finally answer the question Adam Driver wanted in the “Cold Open.” How did he spend his summer vacation? Well, we all know the details, but he said he hates all the attention. “It’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr. and Pete Davidson. All people who’ve gotten death threats,” he said. When asked about the prenup situation, Pete said he wanted one. “God forbid we break up and she takes half my sneakers.” He then joked he swapped her birth control for Tic-Tacs. “I believe in us and all,” he said. “I just want to make sure she cant go anywhere.”

COLD OPEN – Kavanaugh Hearing

[embedded content]

With no sign of Alec Baldwin’s Trump, we instead got a fresh and energetic exploration of the Kavanaugh hearing, with Matt Damon absolutely killing it as the Supreme Court nominee. “”I’m gonna start at an 11 and I’m gonna take it to a 15 real quick!” he shouted, setting the stage for alternating anger and tears as he cited Kathy Griffin and Ronan “Sinatra” as part of the left-wing conspiracy against him. The Senators were played by a who’s who of the cast (including Rachel Dratch), with Kate McKinnon coming unhinged as Sen. Lindsey Graham, though we’re not sure she has a completely successful take on him yet. It went a little long, but every time Damon was glowering on-screen, we realized we could take just a little bit more. If Kavanaugh is going to stay in the news cycle, here’s hoping Matt is game to keep playing him.

Career Day

[embedded content]

Pete Davidson’s 82-year-old father, played by Adam Driver, brings the fire as an oil baron who crushes his enemy and grinds their bones into the dirt. Turns out the other kids think he’s a lot cooler than either Pete or the teacher (Aidy Bryant). This was absolutely bizarre, but Adam was so committed to his ridiculous, screaming character that we found ourselves as unable to hold it together as Pete and some of the other students. This recurring sketch has always been hit or miss, but when your “parent” character is this ridiculous and played this well, it’s always going to work.

Coffee Taste Test

[embedded content]

We’ve seen this before, where Mikey Day surprises taste-test participants with a product that isn’t nearly as fancy as they think. This time, it was Burger King coffee, and this time it was Adam Driver and Cecily Strong who got to lose their s–t over it. “You fed my wife this garbage, this burger juice?” Adam shouted incensed, while Cecily kept insisting hers must be the fancy coffee. We’re not sure why these are always funny, but it’s how worked up one couple always gets over being fooled, and Cecily was hilariously clueless throughout.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK

Pete Davidson may have been the most anticipated cast-member in this premiere, if just to hear him make jokes about Ariana Grande, and he did not disappoint, but he didn’t really shine beyond his “Weeked Update” appearance. Remarkably, no single cast-member stepped up in a huge way in this very balanced episode.

So we’re going to give it to the cast-member who sold their spotlight sketch the strongest, which narrows it down to Kyle Mooney and Cecily Strong, with the edge going to Cecily for her ridiculously clueless coffee taster. Yes, we know Kate McKinnon gave us Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Lindsey Graham, but we didn’t love her Graham as much as other characters she’s done.

“Saturday Night Live” continues next week with host Awkwafina and musical guest Travis Scott, Saturday at 11:35 p.m. et on NBC.

Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at [email protected].

View Photos Getty ‘The Walking Dead’ Cast Looked Killer at Season 9 Premiere

Source: http://toofab.com/2018/09/30/adam-driver-snl-sketches-ranked-worst-to-first-matt-damons-brett-kavanaugh-pete-davidsons-summer/

[lectergrahams]

2017 as a year was actually pretty good to me. it didn’t necessarily need to be, it could’ve just been marginally better than last year and it would’ve been better. but i’d say it actually ended up being pretty good. the beginning was hard af, march was the best month i’d had in a long time, but then april was so stressful for pretty much no reason. may was good but also very lonely. for some reason i was acutely aware of my loneliness in may. june was really weird, it was good but still lonely, and i was constantly frustrated by dumb things. july started out really fucking sad, but turned around like a week later and ended up being a really really good month. i developed a crush on a boy and we talked every day for the rest of the month and the beginning of august. even tho it didn’t work out, i think by the time we stopped talking i didn’t particularly have romantic feelings for him anymore, just an infatuation and want for companionship. august was ok, i had some ups and downs but overall good. my family vacation to boston was a really unexpectedly good week. school restarted. september was hard. my therapy session suddenly got extremely painful and i finally had to fully deal with my identity crisis. but there were still some fun moments, we watched all the saw movies and i turned 21 and the weather was good most of the month. i started enjoying spending time at my parents house again, staying there on friday nights. october was better, but it had ups and downs too. i was still dealing with the identity crisis, but it felt like it was coming to an end and feeling a little better. but i also felt realy stuck in a cycle. the end of the month was really good. the week after huff fest i started doing that tapping meditation every night and i think it really changed my perspective. i had the good couple days, the thursday night we saw jigsaw, friday night i stayed at my parents house and my mom watched amityville horror and the first saw with me, saturday night olivia came with me to springfield to sit for trick or treat. november started hard, the first few days it was just so sad to be in november again. then november 3rd was the infamous twin peaks party and i got laid and had so much fun it was a pivotal night. the week leading up to the anniversary of the break up was hard. wanted to tear my guts out, typical. thanksgiving break was good though. it was the end of october i realized i was starting to enjoy photography again, working on the altered landscape project. then november really solidified that, i shot film for the first time in a long time, got it developed, spent all kinds of time editing dust out of scanned film, took pictures of downtown dayton and particularly the area behind marvin gardens and the gagnet house because i’m obsessed with it. i felt inspired and passionate for the first time in so long. december has been good. stressful, nonstop working on getting things done for finals. finals week had that weird, empty feeling, where it seems like a lot of work for no pay off. but thursday night evie was home and olivia came over and we made dinner and watched catfish and laughed a lot. then friday night i did acid finally for the first time with morgan and natalie and it was such a pure wholesome experience. now  i believe that i can start to control my mind and emotions a little better. i feel like i connected with myself on a really deep level this year. i don’t know if i’ve ever made an effort to get to know myself or love myself before this year. i thought i did, but i didn’t really. i regained what i felt like i lost last year, plus a lot of lessons learned since then. i feel like i have interests and interesting things to say again. but now i’ve gained experiences, way more social abilities, and i think all my art related work has improved a lot, and i have way less physical insecurities now. i learned that my past relationship wasn’t all i thought it was, and that i do deserve better. mikey told me today anyone would be lucky to be with me, and i bring a lot to the table, and he thinks i am successful. the second half of the semester, i really did feel successful for the first time in a really long time. probably since spring 2016. i feel kinda similar to how i did fall 2015. like i’ve suddenly become a person i like again. it’s not as strong as it was then, but it’s stronger than it has been since everything went down. i don’t really like the person i was when i was with owen. in the beginning, i wasn’t bad, i was just naive. but as it went on, i think it brought out less good things about me and i voluntarily lost good things about myself. now i’m 21 and i do feel like i’ve aged a lot since 19, only 2 years ago. but i am grateful for all of it. i think 2018 will be even better. 2017 was a year of a lot of work, and planting seeds if you will. i feel like all the work i’ve put in will pay off in 2018, as long as i keep working on myself at the same time. a huge part of me does believe i’ll meet someone in 2018 also. i feel pretty sure of that at this point, the more i think about it and the more i start to believe love happens more than once. one of my friends told me that yes, all loves are different, but the overall feeling of love is the same. it’s just different because it’s a different person, so there are different things about them to love. so it’s different, but it’s still that warm love feeling that i want so bad. no one has ever said it like that, and i like that so much more.

#personal

[ssnoot]

you claim to be apologizing except you're still doing the same shit and taking advantage of the same people. it's mind blowing that you claim to be improving when you literally rely on other people for everything. it gets old. also, no tea, but nice job setting up a go fund me to beg for money and then mysteriously apparate a car out of nowhere a week later?

Lmao, obviously you have no fucking clue what’s going on in my life. 

Let me lay it out for you: 

1. I have not talked to anyone in months. I have been working on getting myself ready to graduate, get into college, and keep my relationship strong

2. I apologized to Mike, Michael, and Simon and Neil 2 months ago. Mikey accepted my apology, although we are no longer friends. Michael sort of tolerates me now, and I did pay him the money I owed him. Neil has a grudge on me because I wouldn’t date him. Simon doesn’t mind me, but he doesn’t talk to me because we both know we’d say something dumb if we did talk to each other. And excuse you, I just made dinner for all of them tonight without being asked. I have multiple times told Simon’s mom, who I am very close to now, that I will pay her for anything. She always refuses, but I am planning to pay her back about 200-300 dollars when I move out. She has given me so much kindness because I’m homeless because of my mom.

3. I wasn’t begging for money, I was trying to get help so I could start a life. Do you know how fucking expensive apartments are in Missoula? Deposits + first month’s rent is like almost 2000 dollars. Don’t expect any 18 year old to be able to pay that. 

4. About the car, it’s a guy who is willing to let me pay really low payments on it monthly so that I have somewhere to sleep during the summer and so I can get myself to school without taking 3 buses every morning and night. I am getting it because it will help me a lot and I can’t afford an apartment. Plus I am probably staying with my boyfriend this summer.

5. I already have a dorm set up for college, meaning I am going to have a stable place to live soon enough, there’s no reason for me to get an apartment when I’m gonna have somewhere to live really soon. Leases take too long and plans fucking change.

6. About Zoe, I don’t fucking care about her, because I tried very hard to apologize and give her space for years, and she was always rude about it. I know that I hurt her, I know that I was fucking manipulative, but I was 13 years old. And I was always sorry for that. Always. I never meant to be abusive or to emotionally manipulate anyone. I had no fucking control over myself back then, and honestly I would never hold someone for the mistakes they made in middle school. And Zoe has been a fucking bitch to me and has made things so fucking hard for me, and I do not care for people like that. I don’t care if she doesn’t like me back, we both don’t want each other in each other’s lives so that is settled.

7. I have no debt. I pay about 3 bills a month, and I have a job offer for June that pays 20 dollars an hour and I am set with everything I need to take care of myself and my dog. I do not rely on other people, I take care of myself. I feed myself. All my fucking money this month has gone into bills, paying people back, buying myself food, my dog food, and getting ready to get a car. 

8. Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder categorized by extreme mood swings, extreme reactions to small things, emotional instability, forgetting things, changing my mind like all the time, being inconsistent, fearing loss to the point where I make shit up because I’m so scared, attacking when cornered, and not knowing how to properly communicate socially. As you may know I was mute from 4th grade to like 6th grade. When I finally started talking and making friends, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to act or how to talk. In fact, a lot of people think I have aspergers. Which I may. But that’s besides the point. I’m not good with social situations. I have said many things that most people would consider “weird” or “mean” that I thought were normal because I grew up in an environment that told me they were. I have hurt a lot of people due to my illness. No, that’s not an excuse, I am telling you that the behaviors of my mental illness have caused me to hurt people that do not understand me. I have tried my fucking hardest to apologize and make up for these things. If you want to talk to someone who really understands this, talk to Megan. She and I may have fucking ruined each other’s lives about 1000000 times but she knows what I’m talking about. And I am really tired of having to explain myself to people. Yes, I am unhealthy sometimes. But I am working to change it. I have changed so fucking much in the past 5 years that I can’t even recognize myself anymore because I’m so much more able to handle things. Maybe I have problems with the social stuff, and that’s because being hated and losing people really sets me off. But I do care about people. I love people. I loved my friends. I never thought I was intentionally hurting them, and finding out that I did hurt people was confusing to me because I didn’t actually realize it until they told me. Like with Mike, he only told me I was being a bitch like 2 months into us being close. I didn’t know what he felt, and there was no way I could’ve fixed it without knowing, because I didn’t know my behavior was toxic. Because I CAN’T UNDERSTAND EMOTIONS. I just feel things really big and they happen and they’re there and they get in people’s way, but I never have ever intended to hurt someone intentionally. I love people. I love people so much. I’m just really mentally ill. 

9. I should not have to explain myself to you, because it’s honestly so stupid and petty and you have no idea what you’re talking about. You, whether you are Julianne or Zoe are a horrible bitter nasty person and you need to leave me alone or I’m going to start reporting this shit. 

Thanks. 

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 121, September 2018

On Monday night, I attended the Men of Doveton program held at Doveton College. It’s hard to fathom that we’re over the halfway mark now. Part of me thought I would have dropped out weeks ago for two reasons: a) I’m not the sporty type in the slightest and b) Making social connections especially within a group of men is very challenging for me. I did have a couple of weeks where I questioned whether this group was for me. But the fact that I’m still here means that I have a lot of strength, determination and resilience to keep going.

Tonight marked the second week of learning how to play soccer down in the gym. It was very similar in structure from the previous week and I was still having the same problems. The ball was constantly losing control and rolling away from me when dribbling it. Head butting is still something I haven’t mastered yet. And playing the actual game, my fears from childhood bubbled to the surface again mostly around fear of getting hurt.

It’s very much a sensitivity issue and it doesn’t help when there’s a mixture of experienced and novice players. But I still gave it a go and was getting a good workout in. It doesn’t take long before you’re running up and down the court after the ball. And that’s pretty much the point of it, to become more active. I’m slowly starting to feel more included within the group too. Obviously this takes time. It’s something you have to progressively chip away at and slowly bring more of myself to the table.

In the second half of the session, we had Ted Whitten Jnr. and Laurie Serafini presenting on the topic of Prostate cancer and Men’s health issues. Ted is the founder of the E.J. Whitten Foundation and Laurie is a former AFL footballer and testicular/anal cancer survivor. Considering I’m not a huge footy fan, I wasn’t really that star struck by the presence of these celebrities but I knew a few of the guys in the group who were. https://www.ejwhittenfoundation.com.au/

This however didn’t diminish the importance of their talks at all. I think that it’s vital for all men to go see their GP regularly and have an annual health check. I used to be in the same boat myself when it came to going to the doctors. I would not only dread having a blood test done (I hate needles!) but also respond indifferently to the results (I’m overweight and have high cholesterol. Oh well, who cares?). https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/essential-screening-tests-for-men

But now being 32 years old, I’m taking my health much more seriously since starting my journey two years ago to improve my body weight, fitness, wellbeing, physical health and mental health. And whilst I don’t necessarily need to get tested for prostate cancer until I’m over 50 years old, this is still important information to have as I can educate other male family members and friends plus know I’ll be prepared myself as I get older. http://www.prostate.org.au/awareness/general-information/what-you-need-to-know-about-prostate-cancer/

On Tuesday, I attended the first day of my Hospitality Job Ready Program held at The Cardinia Club in Pakenham. Honestly getting to Pakenham before 9.30am is a huge pain in the rectum especially when you’ve got built-up school traffic and roadworks everywhere you turn. Thankfully the run on the freeway was pretty smooth and therefore it didn’t make me late. The program was held inside the venue’s boardroom and facilitated by Julie Barrett from Somers Elite Training.

The first course today was the Safe Food Handling course. I actually did this course back in 2016 but felt like doing a refresher. Julie’s approach is very detailed, thorough and no bullshit. She throws in heaps of examples from her experience in the hospitality industry with lots of photos showing what not to do when it comes to running a business. She went through all the major topics including hygiene laws and regulations, cleaning and sanitation, hazardous chemicals, personal and environmental hygiene, food poisoning, contamination, hand washing, pest control.

The thing I really enjoy about Julie’s style of teaching is that she doesn’t take things too seriously. She has a black, sarcastic sense of humour when it comes to managers and staff who do the wrong thing and ties to back to lack of education and training. It’s all about getting the basics right and understanding why food hygiene is so important in a commercial environment.

The practical assessment involving the glitterbug cream to show how much bacteria can spread even after washing your hands is pretty alarming. I feel like every time I do an RSF course, I always learn something new. I’m a rote and visual learner so it can take some time for all the information to sink in and actually remember it all but Julie’s notes really help. She literally tells you which parts to highlight in the workbook so at least the important principals will stick. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/sitxfsa001-use-hygienic-practices-for-food-safety/

The second course was on Coffee Training. It was only a small group of us now which made it a bit easier to process all the material. Again this was another refresher for me after doing an Introduction to Coffee Making course a few months back at Chisholm TAFE. I was actually amazed that I was able to stay awake this far into the day. My biggest problem with learning is having enough mental stamina and concentration to handle a 7-8 hour training course but I was determined to stick it out today.

Julie walked us all through the basics of coffee grinding, how to make an espresso, timing your coffee shot, how to steam the milk, how to clean the coffee machine and the most popular coffee types. She then gave us a practical demonstration using one of the coffee machines out in the venue’s gaming area. This is where my anxiety levels slowly began to rise.

I still have confidence issues that I need to overcome when it comes to actually getting hands-on and making coffees. I find putting the group handles into the heads to be tricky as hell and  I was hesitating a lot when it came to steaming the milk. The good news is that at least I gave it a go and didn’t let those internal fears (burning myself, having the milk explode in my face) stop me from trying.

It is all about learning, following the techniques and training tips and having lots of practice. Thank goodness that Julie is a patient woman and made sure that we were all trying to perform the coffee making process correctly. Perhaps one day I could be making coffees for customers in an RSL somewhere or a similar gaming venue to The Cardinia Club. Just have to build my confidence and experience up and I’ll be alright. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/coffee-training/

On Wednesday, I completed the second day of my Hospitality Job Ready Program held at Cardinia Club in Pakenham. Today was a similar deal to yesterday in that we had two different courses spread across the whole day. Firstly, I did my Responsible Service of Alcohol with a group of 15 people. Unfortunately the boardroom table didn’t allow much room between each of us so note-taking was pretty awkward but it was still manageable.  https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/courses/alcohol/

We covered all the important areas including: the liquor industry, benefits of responsible service, alcoholic content of drinks, Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC), intoxication, signs of intoxication, how to prevent intoxication, refusal of service, dealing with underage minors, checking ID, packaged liquor and functions. I found most of the content easy to follow as I’ve done the RSA a few times over the years. The hardest part for myself and probably most people is the refusal of service section.

Not only is it extremely uncomfortable to perform, even in a casual role playing scenario, it’s a lot to remember. Thankfully Julie provided us with many helpful tips to learn it easier. The best way to handle intoxicated patrons and refuse service is: 1. Have A Conversation With The Customer (How’s your night been? What’s the weather like outside? Are you here with friends or by yourself?). 2. Response (I think that you need to have a breather. That will be your last drink for a while). 3. Clarify The Refusal (I’m sorry but I’d be breaking the law if I served you another drink). 4. Offer An Alternative (Would you like a coffee, tea, juice or coke instead?).

For me personally, developing social skills is still a work-in-progress for me. I still have confidence issues when it comes to speaking up and being assertive. But I refuse to give up. The test made up of 20 multiple choice questions was very straight forward. Most of it is common sense and rote learning of statistics like how much the fines are and how much alcohol is in a standard drink. We also learned that a specific law will be changing. That is minors under 18 years old cannot consume liquor in a licensed premises even with a responsible adult present. https://www.vcglr.vic.gov.au/resources/education-and-training/responsible-service-alcohol

The last course in the program was the Bar Operations Training. This particular course was entirely new to me and I found much of the content really interesting to learn. We covered lots of areas including: beverage service outlets, main equipment used, duties of a Bar Attendant, Bar daily set-up procedures, wastage and stock control, alcohol characteristics, wine styles, basic spirits, glassware, measuring drinks, adding ice, garnishing, personal hygiene, cleaning and maintenance, interacting with customers and selling skills. As you can see, there is a lot involved but Julie just focused on the basics today. https://joboutlook.gov.au/occupation.aspx?code=4311

The practical part of the course was a little nerve-racking for me as we were out in public view behind the back Sports Bar. We each learned how to pour a glass of wine, measure and pour of 30ml shot of spirits into a glass and pouring a bar using the taps. Of course new experiences is one of my anxiety triggers so thoughts were rampant through my head (What if I make a mistake? What if I spill beer and wine everywhere? What if I do something stupid?).

But I still managed to give it a go and I did okay for my first ever attempts at making drinks behind a bar. I think it really helps that Julie is incredibly supportive, dedicated and encouraging. She didn’t judge us or put any of us off from doing it and I think that’s an important value for a trainer to have. Of course skills like these take time, practice and patience to develop as well as the correct coaching involved aka teaching staff the right way of doing things. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/bar-training/

To finish off, Julie gave each of us a job application and a few tips about making a good impression when applying for a job, what to put in your resume and also information about doing the Responsible Service of Gaming online training course which can be a good additional piece of training to have when going for Hospitality type jobs. Whilst Julie is very strict and precise with her style of teaching, I feel like she has good intentions. And with 40 years of Hospitality industry experience, I think she knows her shit just a little bit! http://rsgonline.vic.gov.au/

On Friday afternoon, I had my Metro Trains job interview and online assessment held at Cliftons Melbourne in Southbank. It’s been over two weeks since I attended the information session for the position of part time Leading Station Assistant (LSA) and to be honest, I really didn’t think I would make it this far into the recruitment process. My interview was to be held on Level 18 inside the building at 2 Southbank Boulevard. Considering I only have a vague recollection of the Southbank area, I needed to pull out Google Maps to prevent myself getting lost.

This building was even more intimidating than the previous one with lines of booths, luxury sofas, designer armchairs and furnishings, a restaurant and several banks of elevators. Once I found where I needed to go, the reception staff at Cliftons guided me over to the waiting area. After briefly chatting to one of the other candidates sitting opposite me, I was trying really hard to calm my nerves and use mindfulness techniques to ground myself. It did help a little bit. I was focusing on the abstract floral patterns of the nearby chair and just observing shapes and colours.

Twenty minutes of uncomfortable waiting later, I was called up by a lady named Tara and escorted into one of the meeting rooms. The email I received last week was a bit misleading in saying that today’s session would involve a group discussion. This was not the case. In fact, my first task was to come up with a public announcement speech for a role playing exercise with one of two Metro Trains staff members. I only had 10 minutes to read the brief, jot down some notes and perform it. I also had to deal with a disgruntled customer scenario.

The nerves were really kicking in hard now as I’m not good at performing on the spot and thinking on my feet. The Metro Trains staff member, who was playing the role of the disgruntled customer, made it deliberately difficult for me, requiring me to think outside of the box. I was pulling all kinds of answers out of my ass from saying “Sorry for the inconvenience. We’re doing everything we can to rectify the issue.” to offering free transport and even a lift in my own car.

The next part was even harder...the interview itself. It’s not like I have job interviews everyday or even every week so I knew that this would be a challenge. The six or so questions that I was asked were pretty generic...Why do you want to work for Metro Trains? What does exceptional customer service mean to you? Tell me about a time when you faced a change of procedure or system, you dealt with a difficult customer, you demonstrated exceptional customer service, you acted in a safe manner in the workplace. (The STAR Method. S = Specific Situation. T = Task. A = Action. R = Result). https://www.vawizard.org/wiz-pdf/STAR_Method_Interviews.pdf

To be fair, I really should have been more prepared for these types of questions as thinking of specific workplace scenarios takes time for me. I also misunderstood some of the questions they were asking and for me it was embarrassing and made me feel kind of dumb. My hands were getting sweaty. My face was getting red and flustered. I was tripping over my words. Any confidence I did have pretty much left the meeting room after that. The pressure was building up inside my head and inside I wanted to have a mental breakdown. This is the exact reason why I hate doing job interviews so much.

However, I was determined to finish this no matter how hard it got. I even threw in a few details I’d heard about the Metro Tunnel and High Capacity trains that are being constructed. I also mentioned that I had some degree of knowledge around timetables, service disruptions and the role of the LSA. I was giving this interview my all, even though I could easily tell from the interviewers looks and body language that I’ve got a fat chance of being a successful candidate.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the interview came to a close with “Any questions?”. I was mentally drained and couldn’t think of any at the time. I just wanted to get out of that meeting room. The last part of today’s session was thankfully the easiest. I had to complete an online computer test which involved literacy, numeracy and oral communication skills. There were a couple of tricky questions but overall I found the task relatively simple and I got it finished very quickly.

I walked away from today’s interview feeling like I hadn’t done enough to be successful. I feel like there was a lot of pressure and expectation placed on me from the two guys who were interviewing me. The high corporate environment in which the interview took place was also really off-putting for me. And there were also a few curve-ball questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I physically and mentally felt stressed out from it, partly because I can get caught up in my emotions a lot like worrying what the interviewers were thinking about me.

But I have no regrets about going today. It was a big learning experience for me and I’m glad that I was strong enough not only to attend the interview but to stick it out. It was very uncomfortable for me but I still did it. If I don’t get the job, it’ll probably be a blessing in disguise. No job is worth killing yourself over and I feel like the demand of this role might be too great for me to handle. But we shall wait and see. http://www.metrotrains.com.au/careers/

“Hold fast, I’ll guide you through the night. And fear not for I am by your side. Listen through the rain. And you can hear the angels say. Help is on the way. The moment you begin to pray. When the thunders roar. You don’t need to be afraid. I’ll lead you through the storm. So please remember when I say. I’m with you always.” Owl City - Always (2018)

“Look up when the world gets you down And you're gonna get by. Hang in when the world counts you out. And you're gonna be fine. Sometimes that's life. Some days nothing never goes right. But when your hand is mine. You got me floating on cloud nine.”                        Owl City - Cloud Nine (2018)