#please give me childfree couples

[imagining-in-the-margins]

🎀 CM KidFic Challenge 🧸

The following are prompts involving children/pregnancy!

This event is over (Masterlist of Fics coming soon), but you are welcome to use any of these prompts. If you would like to be added to the existing Masterlist of entries, please check out the Rules below!

Prompts

Child says their first word(s)

Child becomes an older sibling

Character stands up for their child

The couple enjoys trying for a baby

Characters are fantastic platonic co-parents

Child is starting to act a lot like their parent(s)

The couple announces their pregnancy to everyone

The couple fosters a teenager preparing for college

The couple takes their child to college/their own place

The couple thinks they’re having twins… but it’s triplets

Character runs into their ex who has a child that looks just like them

The couple realizes how different things are the second, third, etc. time

Character needs reassurance about the fact they don’t enjoy being pregnant

Character finds that being around Child helps them heal their own inner child

The couple babysits together, which leads to a conversation about their future

Character struggles with the fact that their teenage kid has their first partner

Character is very attentive to their pregnant partner... almost irritatingly so

Character witnesses a quiet moment with their partner and their baby during a night feeding

Character, chronically single, asks their best friend if they’d be open to having a child with them

Child realizes that not every kid has two moms/two dads and they have a lot of questions about it

The couple takes Child to daycare for the first time but they can’t make themselves leave the parking lot

Child is having a hard time at school, so Character picks them up from school for a day of quality time together

Pregnancy cravings lead to a very dramatic late-night grocery store trip that makes Character fall more in love

Anything else you can imagine!

Childfree/Pregnancy-Free prompts below + Create your own!

Childfree/Pregnancy-Free Prompts

Character is the fun uncle/aunt

The couple adopts a pet together

Character gets to meet their partner’s (judgmental) pet

Character reveals that they don't want to have children and their partner's reaction surprises them

A child the BAU saved comes back years later to thank them and show what they’ve done with their life

The couple decides to give up on becoming parents and they learn how to have a fulfilled life without a child

Rules

The fic can be a Reader insert, an Original Character, a character/character ship, a platonic ship, or a Gen fic. It can feature any Criminal Minds character. AUs and crossovers are more than welcome.

Tag me in the fic, or send the link to me in a Direct Message. It can be already written, or you can write it for the challenge - I’m collecting both! You can also tag it “#mentioningmargins” which is a tag I track.

The fic can be any genre, but ONLY send me smut if your bio states you are 18+. I DO NOT WANT smut written by minors. Ever. At all. I will check.Platonic ships and pure, fluffy fics are 100% allowed.

Please include Content Warnings and a one-sentence Summary of the fic in your post.

Have fun!

The Masterlist of fics will be posted around May 1. If you finish after that, no problem - just send me the fic once you’re done and I’ll add it after-the-fact!

Feel free to message me if you want help developing a plot, have any questions, or just want to gush about your fic. I’m happy to help, and I’m happy you’re here ❤️

Happy Writing!

#criminal minds challenge #cm challenge #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #criminal minds smut #criminal minds fanfic #jennifer jareau #tara lewis #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #luke alvez #david rossi #jason gideon #penelope garcia #bau team #criminal minds gen fic #cm gen fic

[olympiccreation]

Hello, I'm CT, sun sag, moon aries, rising scorpio. If your free readings are open, may i ask for one please? I'm a bit old and I've been single for over a decade or two due to circumstances. However I do want to have a forever partner and get married to him, and have a life together. I'm also child free i.e. never had any children by choice. And even though I was very broody for just a couple of years, last year I came to the conclusion that I don't want any children and this decision has made me feel very liberated! And I'm glad that i didn't go through any kind of process in the previous years to get a child. I love babies, but that's quite literally the only stage that I love of having a kid, nothing beyond that, lol. So I wanted to know, whether in future will I have a husband for me and will he be happily childfree / childless as well? I don't want to be a step-parent btw, whether of younger or older kids, nor do I want to adopt. I just want me and my husband and a dog or two, and our happy, cozy retired life (maybe babysitting our friends' kids once a while, lol). Thanks a lot for this opportunity!

As a Sagittarius sun, Aries moon, it makes complete sense that children are not for you. Sagittarius craves new adventures, and Aries tends to avoid too much responsibility that they don't offer themselves up for.

Nine of Cups ☆ Three of Cups reversed

Nine of Cups - Wish come true, contentment, satisfaction

Three of Cups reversed - Independence, alone time, isolation

With these cards together, I believe that what you want is perfectly reasonable and possible! It's okay to want to be alone with your special person and to not have added weight of having to care for a whole other person. Don't give up, and keep pushing! You'll find your person soon enough!

‐ ♡Olympic

#free reading #free tarot #galacticgrimoire #olympiccreation #tarot #tarot reading #tarot cards #tarotblr #olympicanswered

[petriquors]

🎉 and 💟 please!

Hello Kale! Welcome, get cozy, stay a while, etc. etc. 🤍

🎉 Tell us some fun facts about your newest selfship!

The newest is Maria x Miguel (Miria? Maybe?) and I'm now realizing I haven't developed that one much!

I channel 100% of my angst into this one!

"We find each other in every multiverse" trope.

Childhood friends to on-again-off-again lovers. His death was my canon event—and my anti-hero origin story.

"I love you but I can't love you."

Hugeeee Batman x Catwoman vibes.

"I'm trying to save your life!" "I'm trying to save yours!"

💟 Give us an embarrassing/secret headcanon you have about your F/O!

Oh a secret headcanon! Idk if this really qualifies, but even though I'm very happily childfree irl and in all of my other selfships, Maria x Dick is the only couple I could ever see being parents—by adoption! I think an older Dick would feel the need to pay forward what Bruce did for him, and he's absolutely the sort of man that needs fatherhood to feel complete.

Ask me about my selfships!

#game night! #love letters #love from Kale

[itslmdee]

11/11/11 Tag Game

Thanks to @zmlorenz for the tag!

 1.        NaNoWriMo. Yes or no? And why? Maybe this year. I've done it before. I sometimes 'win'. When I didn't have a main plot but did a rebel NaNoWriMo and worked on short pieces I did not win. I'd like to because I'm behind on my Get Your Words Out count for the year. But I'm away next week and will miss a couple of NaNoWriMo days and while I've got a plot I've been toying with for a couple of years I've not pinned down all the details. (Why is naming people so difficult!) I did sign up at the site to keep my options open this year.

2.       Do you write better with or without pressure? (ex. word wars) I do somewhat better with a deadline/excuse to write, so I do a lot of things like hurt/comfort bingo, trope bingo, Whumptober. But too much pressure and I fall in a heap and don't write any words!

3.    How much romance do you usually write into your WIP(s)? Depends. Sorceress Apprentice is a romantic fantasy so a lot, but WRE is more supernatural drama and Romaine's asexual – and El has a lot of dating disasters – so not much, though Kit would like to bond with El and Romaine both in some way.

4.    What colour do you associate with each of your main characters? Sorceress Apprentice – Emeri wears a lot of black, it suits his flair for being melodramatic. Bryony likes blues and greens so I guess I'll choose a deep blue like her love for ocean. I don't really know for the others, Romaine also tends toward black because it is practical, El likes red.

5.     If you had to live where your characters live, how would you like it? There is no wifi in Sorceress Apprentice so ok to visit but not to live! Romaine lives on the English-Welsh border and that's not my dream place to live, that honour belongs to the South West of England, Devon and Cornwall!

6.     Are there any characters you’re afraid people will ship when your WIP(s) is/are published? People will ship. There's nothing you can do about that. I'd like it if Romaine was allowed to be asexual still because there's some good fic with QPRs and nonsexual romances out there, but more important to me is that Bryony and Emeri, and El is now siding that way, are childfree. We have so few childfree characters that it would be nice if people didn't feel the need to say "but it's not happy if they're not having BABBIES" and writing lots of fic where the characters change this core part of themselves.

7.  What’s a name you want to use for a character but haven’t yet? Did I mention naming is hard? I'm always trying to find the perfect name. I've got a list of names I like but I don't think I've been holding one back for the right character.

8. Do you write to make art or to entertain your audience? Because it lets me explore who I am, because I've always written, because I love stories. I wouldn't say 'art' so much as I write to tell stories and I hope I can entertain my audience along the way.

9.  What’s the strangest thing you’ve researched for a writing project? I'm not sure. It varies from what inventions existed at a particular point in history to details about modern medical procedures.

10. Do you have any characters you love on the page but would hate if they were a real person? Other people's sure. You can appreciate a character but hate who they are, e.g. Teabag from Prison Break to give a tv reference. In my own work I don't tend to love my antagonists, they're there to be bothersome and largely unlikeable.

11. Would you like to share your favourite bit you’ve written recently?

I wrote several pieces this month for #writingwednesday on gatekeeping which I was pleased with because it's an important topic. I haven't written much other original fiction lately. I've been sucked into the Good Omens fandom and writing nonsexual Aziraphale/Crowley h/c and romantic fluff under my fandom pseudonym.

 I'm too lazy to think up other questions, especially when these are so good! I'll tag @emdop  @lottieiswriting  @everynextdream and anyone else who wants to play.

1. NaNoWriMo. Yes or no? And why?

2.  Do you write better with or without pressure? (ex. word wars)

3. How much romance do you usually write into your WIP(s)?

4.What colour do you associate with each of your main characters?

5.   If you had to live where your characters live, how would you like it?

6.  Are there any characters you’re afraid people will ship when your WIP(s) is/are published?

7.   What’s a name you want to use for a character but haven’t yet?

8.  Do you write to make art or to entertain your audience?

9.  What’s the strangest thing you’ve researched for a writing project?

10.  Do you have any characters you love on the page but would hate if they were a real person?

11.   Would you like to share your favourite bit you’ve written recently?

#meme answers #i also write fanfic #wip: wre #wip: sa #childfree characters

[calunavulgaris]

I’d like to think that anyone who knows me knows that I am 100% pro-choice, but in case it needs to be said: I am unapologetically, completely, irrevocably pro-choice.

There are two main reasons for this, the first being that I have known from a very early age that I never wanted to be pregnant or give birth. The idea is beyond horrifying to me. The second is much less personal. I have never encountered an anti-choice argument that wasn’t laughably easy to dismantle. I’ve been vocally pro-choice for roughly 30 years now (thanks, Mom) and in that time one thing has become painfully evident: anti-choicers have nothing but tenuous, easily debunked “arguments” that are based solely on emotional manipulation, anecdotes, and pseudo-science. They’re also dreadfully unoriginal and repetitive. It gets dull, let me tell you.

But what the hell, just for fun let’s go through some of them here:

“Abortion is MURDER!”

Nope. Murder is a legal term with a clear, concise definition. Abortion does not meet the criteria. Go ahead and look that up, it’s pretty easy to find.

“Abortion KILLS BABIES!”

It’s funny how those who claim to be on the side of science (which is ridiculous on its own) resort to unscientific terms when their goal is to evoke a purely emotional response, isn’t it? “Killing babies” packs more of a manipulative punch than “a medical procedure involving the removal of fetal tissue.” Believe it or not, I sympathize if the termination of a fetus squicks you. I get it. Being that I’m pro-choice, I will always defend your right not to ever undergo the procedure with the same fervour I employ when defending the choice to obtain an abortion. That’s what it means to be pro-choice.

“The fetus is innocent and has a right to life!”

By definition, the fetus can’t be innocent or guilty, it is purely neutral. The “right to life” does not grant anyone the right to use any part of another person’s body for their survival, no matter how “innocent” that person may be. The person carrying the fetus also has the right to life and bodily autonomy, and having sex/being pregnant isn’t something one can be “guilty” of, as neither is a crime. If we want to talk about innocence, let’s start there.

“What about the rights/autonomy of the fetus?”

For starters, the fetus has no autonomy. Its survival is completely dependent on the person whose body it’s inhabiting. That person is fully autonomous and must consent to their body being used and occupied by the fetus.

I know this is repetitive, but it seems to need repeating: There is no human right granted to anyone to use any part of another human’s body, living or dead, for their survival. If you’re in need of an organ transplant, and someone has just died with the organ you need, that doesn’t grant you the right to take what you need from them unless they consented to it before their death. You don’t have the right to take their completely viable organs that they are no longer using if that person did not sign up to be a donor, and it doesn’t matter if you will die as a result. If I’ve been stabbed and am bleeding out, and will die unless given a blood transfusion, no one can be legally compelled to give me their blood to save my life. Not even my own mother. Not even if she was the one who stabbed me in the first place.

If no one has the right to a dead person’s organs or their mother’s blood, what right does a fetus have to another person’s entire body?

“You shouldn’t get to kill a baby just because you’re too lazy to use contraception!”

Please, tell me which form of contraception is 100% effective 100% of the time. Even a minuscule failure rate (based on perfect use) means that unintended conception will occur. I have personally met several people who conceived/were conceived themselves despite multiple forms of contraception being used. It happens. If someone uses two or three methods in tandem, I think they’re making it pretty clear that they do NOT wish to conceive, don’t you? And sure, some do decide to continue with the pregnancy (I think the best reaction I ever heard along these lines was “I need to meet the person who could get past all that!). Again, that’s their choice.

Yes, some people conceive because they neglected to use contraception, for whatever reason. Those reasons are no one’s business but their own. Having unsafe sex is not a crime and isn’t something people need to be punished for. More on that coming up in the next point.

“Abstinence is 100% effective! You made the choice to have sex, deal with the consequences!”

Electing to have an abortion is one way to deal with the consequences. It’s just one that some find immoral, or icky, or selfish. Thankfully, morals are subjective, and it isn’t a crime to be selfish or icky. Even if it were, using forced pregnancy (which the UN defines as a form of torture) as a punishment is unconscionable and inhumane.

Also, what do you suggest for childfree couples? Believe it or not, there are people in long-term, committed, loving, healthy relationships who don’t wish to have children. Should they be condemned to lifelong abstinence because there’s a chance they might conceive? Have fun trying to sell that one.

Consent to sex does not equal consent to pregnancy. Now, imagine that it wasn’t consensual to begin with. (This is where they like to bring up the statistic of abortions as a result of rape, because they live in a world where every instance of sexual assault is reported, and every victim discloses how they came to be pregnant.)

We don’t deny medical care to those who develop lung cancer due to their 20-year pack-a-day habit, or those who drink themselves into liver failure. If a drunk driver causes a collision, we don’t stand by and let them die from their injuries, even if the collision caused the death of others. But somehow, there are those who think a person with a uterus should literally be tortured and have their human rights revoked if a fetus is inhabiting that uterus. That is terrifying.

“What about the father? The fetus is 50% his so he should have a say!”

It may be 50% his genetic material, but it is 100% inhabiting another person’s body, which is why that person gets to make the final call.

Let’s break down what’s being implied here: If a couple conceives and the pregnant person wants to abort, they should obtain permission from their partner in order to do so. If he disagrees, they should respect that and carry the pregnancy to term. That doesn’t seem very 50-50 anymore, does it? I think it’s funny that this argument only seems to work under the assumption that the father would want to continue with the pregnancy. If he felt it would be best to terminate and his partner disagreed, would they still argue that his vote somehow carries more weight? I doubt it.

“You shouldn’t have an abortion just because pregnancy is inconvenient!”

“Inconvenient?!” Dude. A hangnail is inconvenient. Missing a parcel delivery and having to go to the post office is inconvenient. Your cat’s preference for hacking up hairballs on your clean laundry instead of the tile floor is inconvenient. To call pregnancy “inconvenient” is absurd in the extreme. Pregnancy, even under the best conditions, permanently alters a person’s body. I dare you to tell someone who has been through pregnancy and labour that it was merely “inconvenient.” Seriously, look up third-and-fourth degree tears, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, abdominal separation, etc. just for starters, and then tell me it’s just inconvenient.

“Post-abortive women suffer from depression and mental illness!”

Find me an unbiased source to back that up, please. It simply isn’t true, the majority of people who have undergone an abortion report feeling relieved. Also, what kind of an effect do you imagine forcing an unwanted pregnancy and birth on an unwilling person has on their mental health? Hell, wanted pregnancies can take a huge toll on a person’s mental health, but I don’t see anyone using postpartum depression to argue against pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood.

“Doctors don’t know everything! I knew someone whose doctor said their pregnancy was unviable and they should terminate, but they didn’t and now they have a beautiful, perfect child!”

Cool story. I’m glad this person was able to make that choice for themselves and that things turned out okay. I’m still gonna trust the advice of someone who invested their time and money into getting a medical degree over the anecdote of an internet stranger, but that’s me.

“Infertile couples would be so happy to have your baby! Just give it up for adoption!”

I don’t know if you’re aware, but there is no shortage of children in need of families. There is, however, a shortage of people willing to adopt older children, or non-white babies/children, children and babies who are born addicted, HIV+, severely disabled/medically fragile... I could go on.

Getting back to the “Doctors don’t know everything!” point, it may be worth noting that I used to work in a foster home with severely disabled children. It was by far the hardest, most heartbreaking and exhausting job I’ve ever had. I have seen firsthand what these kids go through, how much around-the-clock care they require, how forgotten some of them are by their families, and how they are considered “undesirable” as far as adoption goes. I have seen how they suffer. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it would have been better for any of them if they hadn’t been born, but I fully understand if someone is simply not up to the task of devoting their life to caring for a child who will be completely dependent on them for everything for however long they live, which sadly isn’t long for many of them. I’m glad I did it, but not everyone can, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.

All of that aside, adoption is only an alternative to parenthood, not pregnancy. No one owes you the use of their uterus to house a fetus you want just because you’re unable to make your own.

This is already longer than I originally intended, but I think I’ve covered the most commonly recycled arguments. The rest mainly boil down to “Abortion goes against my personal theological/philosophical beliefs or moral code!” and all I can say in response to that is that I’m so glad I don’t have to live by anyone’s concept of morality and am allowed my own. It’s pretty great.

I won’t be complacent, however. I have never been more terrified in my life as a uterus-bearing person as I am right now, and I know I’m not alone in that. We cannot allow our rights to be revoked. We cannot afford to lose the ground those before us fought so hard to gain. I will do all I can to keep that from happening.

If the right to our bodies isn’t worth fighting for, I don’t know what is.

#abortion #pro choice

[kylenesusan]

What’s that like: Routine eye exam

I had an idea for a project that I’m going to work on writing. I’m going to call them “What’s that like?”  – it’ll be a description of things that I’ve done that range from the really mundane to the more complex. I got the idea after telling my grandmother and aunt what it’s like to go to the airport and take a flight because they have never, ever flown anywhere and they have no idea what that’s like. And I think that’s something that’s more common that maybe expected, because I ran into the same thing another time, where someone was asking about what something else was like, I think it was a sleep study, because they had one scheduled and didn’t know what to expect and were really anxious about getting ready for it. And I thought, you know, that’s potentially something that could be really interesting to write about, while also possibly being helpful to someone who’s trying to prepare for an experience – either young adults who are doing something on their own for the first time or people who experience some sort of difficulty, like anxiety or a physical handicap, or any number of other people.

To get this started, I’m going to write about going to a route eye exam. And I’m going to put it under a fold because, oh baby, this got long.

First, a disclaimer: 

The information in this post is from the standpoint of a Caucasian cisgender (meaning I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth) woman aged late 30s / early 40s with no children (childfree by choice) living in the southeast region of the United States of America. It is not intended to be used for legal advice of any kind. Other people’s experiences may be vastly different from my own. This is not intended to include all possible experiences in this situation, nor is it intended to exclude any other possible experiences in this situation. This information is presented only as an example of my own experiences. Your experience may be different from my own.

Okay. A little background – I am nearsighted and I don’t even know how long I’ve been going in for eye exams. I think I’ve been wearing contacts since I was 13, when Mom said I was old enough for that responsibility. I was wearing glasses a least a few years before that. My prescription isn’t that severe, but it’s serious enough that I need corrective lenses in order to drive. I wear soft contacts most of the time, but I have glasses and prescription sunglasses for when my contacts aren’t agreeing with my eyes, typically in the spring when my allergies are flaring up.

Justin and I are covered by insurance through my work that covers most of the yearly eye exams and a certain dollar amount to put toward glasses frames, glasses lenses, and contact lenses.

So the framing of this experience is someone who has a slight visual impairment and is covered by pretty decent insurance. I don’t know what it’s like to go to the doctor while having perfect vision or without insurance.

There are a couple terms that you might run into during this process that I’ll go over first because they sound very similar: Optometrist, ophthalmologist, and optician. (Reference: Healthline.com.) Optometrists are most likely the person who will be the doctor at your routine eye appointment. Ophthalmologist is who you would see if you needed surgery. And an optician is someone who works for the eye doctor helping the patients with glasses and stuff – not everybody there will be one, but the person fitting your glasses should be.

Eye doctor appointments should be scheduled ahead of time – there might be some that accept walk-in patients, but my recommendation is to set up an appointment with the office ahead of time. If you have insurance, follow the information from your provider to make sure that the doctor you would like to see is actually covered by your insurance – with my insurance, I can look up local doctor’s offices through the insurance website to check or I can call the insurance and ask someone over the phone to look it up. My eye coverage is separate from my medical coverage, so when contacting my insurance about eye care, I have to contact a different provider than I do for most of my other stuff. Make sure you know who you need to talk with about your eye care insurance coverage, if you have it. And be aware that some providers are specific about the location where the doctor is working – so a doctor could be covered by insurance at one location but that exact same doctor could be considered “out of network” at another location, which will mean that your insurance coverage will be very different. It’s a stupid insurance thing, so make sure to check ahead of time.

I don’t have any advice about finding a good eye doctor other than looking at reviews and asking around to see if anyone has any recommendations about who to go see. What I can say is that if you get to the end of the exam and really didn’t like the doctor or the people working there, you don’t have to go back there again. Just find a different doctor next time and try again. Don’t feel obligated to go back to someone you didn’t like.

Okay, so you’ve found an eye doctor and set up an appointment. You’ve checked with your insurance to make sure that you’re covered to see this doctor at this exact location. And now you’re ready to go to the appointment.

If you have corrective eyewear, you should wear/bring that to your appointment. (Also, I’m not sure why you’d be reading this post because how did you get that without having an eye exam?!)

There is going to be paperwork to fill out – you might get this ahead of time if the doctor’s office sends it or they might send you to their website to find it or you might have to do it when you get their office. You should plan to get there with some extra time before your appointment to give time to complete it. The paperwork will ask about your personal information like your name, address, age, etc. It will also ask for your insurance information. They will probably want a copy of your state ID and your insurance card for their records – they’ll make a scan/photocopy at the office so make sure to have these two cards with you when you get to the office. The paperwork might also include questions about family medical history and payment information and HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) release forms. (If you’re not familiar with HIPAA, your health information provided to doctors is protected by law and if you have anyone who you would like the doctor to talk with about your information, the doctor’s office needs a signed form that says that they’re allowed to release that information. More information about HIPAA here. As a side note, please don’t share private health information with groups who are not covered by the HIPAA laws, like something in Ye Olde Book of Faces. They are not required to keep your information private.)

At future appointments, you won’t have as much paperwork to complete. You’ll need to review that the previous information is still accurate and provide updates, but it won’t take so long.

At the office where I got my exam, I kept my paperwork with me instead of handing it back to the person working at the desk. A different person then called me back to a room for pre-exam tests and ask about my current medications and current eyewear. There are a variety of different tests that this person will do and I don’t actually know what all of them are testing. Most of them require not wearing my contacts, so she provided a space for me to wash my hands and remove those. One of the tests was a handheld item (she held it) that puffed little bursts of air into my eyes and made my eyes water a lot. (I think that’s the glaucoma test and this is a whole lot better than the old one where I had to put my face into a thing and wait for the puff to make me jump.) There was another one where I looked into a machine to look at a picture of long road to a balloon that went in and out of focus. Another machine showed a green dot that then flashed bright white light, like a camera flash, first in one eye and then the other. (That one also made my eyes water. I don’t like bright lights.) She had me look at a book and tell her what number was written in all the dots. (I do know that this is a colorblindness test.  Here’s an example.) And then she had me put on 3D glasses and tell her which of the 4 dots in the diamond was standing forward of the others.

She also dilated my pupils by putting in eye drops that would have that effect. She had me look up at the ceiling and she put the drops into my eyes and then told me to blink until it stopped stinging. If you have trouble with your blink reflex being seriously strong, like Justin, then this is tricky – he tends to blink before the drops hit his eye. I think the work-around is to put the drops on the side of his nose where they run into his eye from the side. They do this dilation in order to get a really good look at the inside of your eye to look for a whole bunch of potential problems. It’s annoying, but it’s for your own good. And I do mean it’s annoying. Everything was so bright and I couldn’t focus on anything closer than arm’s length, so reading my phone or a book or a computer screen was completely out of the question. And the drops keep my eyes dilated for several hours – something like 4 to 6 hours. I was able to read before they completely got back to normal, but things were bright and sometimes one pupil was a different size than the other and I looked like I was having a stroke. I definitely would not plan to go back to work or do anything important for the rest of the afternoon.

If you get your eyes dilated, make sure to have sunglasses for the trip home. And it might be helpful to have someone else with you who can see to help with the payments and stuff at the end of the appointment. Justin seems to be able to see better than I am after getting this done, so maybe some people handle this better than others.

The first time coming to this doctor’s office, the person doing these pre-exam tasks also checked the prescription on my glasses so the doctor would have that information. They use a clever little machine that tells them that information, but I have no idea how it works.

After doing these tests, we walked to the exam room. The exam room will have a chair with a stand next to it and it might look intimidating. There are so many tools and machines that are used in eye exams that I haven’t seen anywhere else. It’s okay; you don’t have to know what they do or how they work because you won’t be expected to touch them. And they should always warn you before they use anything.

I was asked to sit in the chair and with a spoon-shaped paddle over one eye, read the letters on the eye chart shown on the wall ahead of me, and then swap and read the letters with the other eye covered. This is just a sort of baseline that was part of the pre-exam testing and once she was satisfied that I could read with both eyes, she excused herself from the room and told me the doctor would be in with me shortly.

I wonder what they do if they find out the person coming in for the eye exam can’t identify letters… Can’t illiterate people get eye exams? Hrm….

Anyway, after a short wait, during which I read the informational posters on the wall and admired my doctor’s wedding photos, she came in and we started the actual exam. She asked if I was experiencing any problems with my eyes or if I had any questions, and since I was good and just needed to get more contacts for the year, we started looking at the eye charts.

Because I wear corrective lenses and she already knows what that prescription is, she had me look at the eye chart on the wall through the big butterfly shaped thing that she placed in front of my face. This has lots of lenses and things so she can swap things around to see which lenses look more clear to me. So, she’ll set it up, and then, with one eye blocked and only looking with the other eye, ask if I like one set of lenses better than the second option. And then, based on the answer that I give, do I like this one better than the next one? And how about this other one? And what’s she’s doing is trying a lot of different lenses to see which of them are the ones that I should use to see. Sometimes the difference between the two options is really easy to say which one is better, but not always. Sometimes, it’s hard to really know – like they’re the same focus, but maybe one is a little smaller? Just be open to say what you’re seeing to the doctor and let them know. They want you to go home with the best possible vision that they can provide and that’s going to depend on your answers to these questions.

As this process was going on, flipping between different lenses, she was asking me to read smaller and smaller letters off the eye chart on the wall ahead of me. And when she got to a point where she was satisfied, she asked me to look one more time, with both eyes open, and make sure that I could still see clearly with both eyes.

My prescription changed very slightly this year, but not a concerning amount. She asked if the contacts I’ve been wearing are still working for me and how frequently I swap them with new ones (to check that I’m disposing of them in the right amount of time – I’m supposed to use new contact lenses every 2 weeks). And then she brought me a new pair to try on to make sure that the prescription would work. She had a sink in the corner where I could wash my hands again before putting them in, and then had me sit on the chair again and, this time without the butterfly-looking thing, read the eye chart to make sure I could still see it, which I could see just fine.

After that, she did a close-up eye exam. And this is why you need to feel comfortable with your eye doctor because they are going to seriously invade your space at this point. She had me put my chin on a little stand so she could look at my eye with a lens that lets her see inside my eye. She asked me to look at her ear and then up and down while she held the lens in front of one eye and then the other. There’s a bright white light stripe on the lens that made my eyes water, but she’s good and quick at this and it didn’t take her very long to check both eyes.

She’s looking for damage to the eye and different diseases that show up in there. She’s also looking to make sure that the contact lenses I’ve just put in are fitting my eyes nicely.

Once she was happy that my eyes are nice and healthy and that my contacts were going to work and updated my information in the computer, she asked if I had any questions or anything else I wanted to ask, and then walked me out to the front of the office, where she thanked me and told the optician what I would be ordering.

Since I’m an established patient at this office, they already know what I use for my contacts, but if I was new, I would have discussed with the doctor the different types of contacts available and the different length of use that are available. I use 2-week contacts, but I have used longer ones and there are options for ones that swap out daily. This length is good for me and I like this brand, so I’m not changing right now. But that is a conversation that would be held with the doctor before putting in the new contacts.

If I was in the market for new glasses, this in the point in the appointment when I’d be looking at the different options for that. There are a lot of frames on the walls of the office that they have available for sale. These are just samples to try on and see if you like how they fit your face. They should have a little price sticker on them, and with our insurance, we get a frame allowance every 2 years up to a certain amount. Anything over that amount comes out of our own pockets.

After trying on a bunch of frames and deciding which pair you’d like, the optician will help select the lenses to put into those frames. There are a lot of options for this, too. If your prescription is really bad (meaning you can’t see for squat) then your lenses might be really thick normally, but you can chose an option that makes them significantly thinner. You can get tinting, anti-glare (I really recommend this option if you work at a computer a lot), anti-scratch, and a bunch of other things, I’m sure. I don’t wear my glasses enough to know what’s available for this. Be aware that each option will increase the amount you pay for your lenses, and our insurance again has a cap of how much they will pay for these. So, you might have to decide to pay out of your own pocket or not choose all the bells and whistles that you’d like.

Also of note for insurance, if I recall correctly, my insurance will either pay for glasses or contacts, but not both. So be aware that you might face limitations there as well.

Once you’ve selected frames and the options for your lenses, they will need to take some measurements of your face to make sure that your glasses will fit your face correctly. And then they will order your glasses. (There might be places where you can walk out that same day with glasses, but I have no idea.) Once your glasses arrive, they will call you in to make sure that they got everything right and the glasses fit and the lenses are right. They can make some tweaks to the fit before sending you home with your new glasses, so let them know if they don’t feel right.

Some offices have better frames selections than others and some frames that you got from one location might not be able to get lenses fit at a different location. The glasses Justin got from the eye doctor in Bluffton couldn’t get lenses fit correctly by the eye doctor here in Savannah. Also, there are a lot of options to buy glasses from online companies, which isn’t something I have experience with yet, but I think Justin’s planning to do that in the near future. He just had to request a copy of his prescription to take home when he left his appointment.

And I think that covers it! Please let me know what you think!

[carnivaloftherandom]

My birthday is Political: A Note From The Random

It’s my birthday and I’m basically doing nothing. (January birthdays in cold weather Is climes are terrible if you’re not a winter person. Plus: hey football, ‘sup?)

However: my birthday is, was, and until people stop, oh I don’t know, POLITICIZING BODIES and fetishizing fetuses, it always will be a political thing. TW: discussion of reproductive issues.

I’m 44 years old. So is Roe v Wade. That’s right, it’s not dusty history. It’s my lifetime, in quite literal terms. So let’s get a few things out of the way, shall we?

1. First principles: if you don’t believe in having an abortion, by all means don’t have one. If you want children and can safely have them and hopefully never have anything go drastically, horribly awry during a pregnancy, this is simple enough. Your body, your choice. (And guess what, I support that choice even unto it killing you if that is your choice. You have the right to refuse treatment to save your life. Though if you already have kids, I’d hope you wouldn’t choose to take their parent away from them for the sake of an unsustainable pregnancy on principle.)

2. You think it’s wrong that anyone has an abortion, well, we have a problem. See, your right to think that stops at the border of another person’s skin. You are absolutely permitted to believe that anyone who has one will burn in hell, you are absolutely free to pray for abortion to be unnecessary, you are welcome to advocate for things that reduce the need for abortion: comprehensive, accurate sex ED, contraceptive access, a living wage, childcare, universal healthcare, and lower cost/free higher education. You are not permitted to enforce your beliefs in any other way. You are not permitted to abuse and terrorize people to get them to comply. Their body, their choice. End of.

3. If you believe a fetus is more of a person than the person that fetus resides in: you are a creepy human being.

4. Lying about abortion in order to influence politicians and making arguments based on religion, esp ones that rely on human doctrine and not even oppressively skewed biblical text, makes you a creepy liar.

5. We do not yet, live in a THEOCRACY. We don’t even have a state religion. Stop trying to make us one.

6. Reproductive rights and Justice Folx: we gotta do better on our rhetoric and framing thereof. We’re still giving up way too much ground and hurting people with bio-essentialist, TERFy language. So this next bit is critical:

7. If you are constantly relying on terms like, “Vagina,” “Woman,” and, “Uterus,” when referring to repro rights, please expand your vocabulary. Particularly re: gender. Not all people who need abortions or oral bc or IUD’s or maternity care or pap smears are women. 8. Repro justice is way bigger than abortion rights. It’s dealing with fertility issues, the rhetoric around pregnancy being exclusively (incorrectly)gendered to women, it’s the class barriers to parenthood, it’s parents in jail, it’s a whole lot and we have to get way better at controlling this expanded narrative so we stop getting hijacked by anti folk.

(ETA: because I take it as a given and therefore blipped right by it: Race and racism are a freaking huge part of repro justice where the narrative either erases B/NB WoC entirely, or treats them as objects of pity porn for White Women to either save or scorn. Don't.)

9. You don’t know any one person’s story until they tell it to you. Stop assuming you know what repro justice means to an individual. I’m childfree by choice, but those choices were not ideal and I don’t particularly like that I had to eliminate the possibility of bio parenthood because of (in order) money, being a caregiver for adults, potential infertility and high risk of miscarriage and or maternal health crisis, genetic risk to offspring, and physical disability. Or that I’m a bad candidate for foster/adoptive parenthood because of most of those things plus being a single, queer lady. Some people have had to deal with this on an intimate, horrifying basis. You can hurt people without meaning to, so be aware. 9. For our lives to be our own, for repro justice and not just nominal, “Choice,” to be meaningful, we have to be very, very open to internal criticism, within this sphere. Oh, and:

10. You don’t want to pay for abortion or contraception with your tax dollars. A. You don’t. B. See number 1 on the list. C. Tough noogies. You don’t get to select where your tax dollars go and also, unless you already have a lot of money, you might conceivably in a perfect, universal healthcare with full repro coverage, pay for ONE. In your lifetime. But so what. Get over it.

H/T to @amaditalks for reminding me of a couple of salient, persistent points on the language of repro stuff. We need to stop being facile and get real.

So, yes: my birthday is a political thing (and also almost always football if it’s on a Sunday.) I hope to live long enough to see this not be true.

#repro justice #reproductive rights #abortion #birth control #pregnancy #fertility

[presuninoc-blog]

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[northpolenotes]

7 Things You Should Never Say to Childless Aunts

Whether you’re it’s by choice, or by chance there are 7 things that you should never say to childless Aunts.  Even though we don’t have kids to claim as our sons and daughters, we do have ones to claim as our nieces and nephews. Like many Aunts, I play a large role in my nieces’ and nephews’ lives.  That doesn’t make us childfree.  It makes us non-parents.  No, we don’t have children of my own, but we are pleasantly surrounded by many!

It doesn’t matter if you’re a family member, friend, or stranger, there are just some things that nonmothers should never hear.  I’ve put together a list of things that Aunts often hear, but wish we never had.  So if you’re in our company, please avoid using any of these phrases.  Just because words are backed with good intentions, doesn’t mean they’re any less painful.

    1. “You don’t know what love is until you have a child.”

  This could quite possibly be the rudest thing you could say to any nonparent.  For starters, you don’t know their backstory and the reason behind her not having children.  What if she wants to have one, but can’t?  Or maybe she’s suffered through miscarriages, false positives, or has an underlying health issue that prevents pregnancy?  Maybe it’s simpler than that.  What if she doesn’t want them?  She’s not a bad person.  That doesn’t mean she’ll never feel loved.  Our lives aren’t lacking anything because we don’t have children of our own.

Secondly, this may have been true for you, but it’s not true for everyone. It’s too personal to state as a universal truth.  Love comes in many forms.  There’s love with for a significant other, parents, siblings, extended family, pets, etc.  However, there’s also love in a separate category, love for children.  Our love is equally as important for everyone in our lives.  They all feel different in our hearts and none should be deemed as better than the other.   I can firmly state without reservation, that I hadn’t discovered the feeling of love for a child until my niblings were born, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know what love was beforehand.

  2. “When are you having one?”

  Many Aunts can relate.  You’re at the 10th baby shower of the year, and you get approached by a grandparent, great aunt or even worse, someone you’ve never met.  Since the topic of babies is on everyone’s mind, they feel it’s appropriate to dig deep into your personal life.  “When will you take the “Do Not Disturb” sign off your uterus?”  They probably won’t use those exact words, but that’s exactly how awkward it feels to be asked that question.  Um, maybe someday.  And maybe never.  Frankly, it’s none of their business.  It makes little difference if you’re coupled or single, (though I think more childless couples may hear this comment), it’s rude to pry into someone’s private life like this.

If someone wants to open up and tell you their thoughts on having children, then listen with an open ear and without judgment.  And if you want to ask questions, tread lightly on this topic.  However, if you can’t, let them have their privacy.  Children are a big commitment.  There’s no end to motherhood, so it’s not a decision everyone can make at the blink of an eye.  And there are plenty of other things you can ask that don’t have anything to do with children.

  3. “You’d be a great Mom.”

  I’m sure the person thought this was a compliment, but I view it as a left-handed one at best.  It’s insulting for two reasons.  First, you’re probably saying this because of how the Aunt is interacting with children.  However, by disregarding her present self and status as an Aunt, you’re taking away from her loving efforts.  Whether the intention is there or not, she’s hearing “Your love is less significant because you’re not a Mother.”  Second, what if she has the burning the desire to become a Mother, but can’t have them?  Or, the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself?  You’re pouring salt into a wound and reminding her of this emotional hardship.

Instead of speaking in future terms, compliment her on who she is and not who you think she could be.  Say to her, “You’re such an amazing Aunt.” Or, “You’re really great with kids.” It feels good to be acknowledged for our efforts.  Saying she’d be a great Mom when she isn’t one can come across as passive-aggressive.  If you’re wearing red today and I said you to you “You always looks so beautiful when you wear green.”, I’m not actually complimenting you.  I’m gently implying that I don’t approve of your choice.  She’s being who she is, a woman that loves her niblings, so praise her for what you see her doing, not for who you think she could be.

  4. “You don’t understand, you’re not a Mom.”

  Yes, we do understand.  If you’re an active Aunt, teacher, nanny, pediatric nurse, or child care provider, you’ve made the choice to surround yourself with children.   Therefore, you know about childhood development.  You’ve taken on the role of Mom more than once in your life but without the pregnancy woes.  It doesn’t matter if that’s not your title, you know Mom pain.  And maybe that’s a contributing factor as to why you’re a nonparent.  Who knows?

One thing is for sure, once a child becomes your responsibility, your life becomes different.  You feel the kid’s pain, you’ll experience emotional difficulties that you didn’t know existed, and you’ll face guilt that’ll tear up your insides.  On the other hand, you’ll feel new kinds of joy and discover just how strong of a woman you really are.  You can do all this without ever being called Mommy.

  5. “You’re lucky you don’t have kids.”

  Maybe they’ve made this statement out of frustration for their current circumstances.  The child is having a meltdown in the frozen food aisle of the local supermarket and the President of the PTA passes by with a judgmental half smile.  I’ll give one free pass on this one.  But it’s not something that should be repeated often.

From the woman who is a nonparent by choice – there’s no luck to be considered. She made a decision that was best suited for her life.

From the woman who is a nonparent by chance – she’d happily put herself in your shoes to fulfill her desires to be a Mom.

We are lucky to be part of loving families with children in them.

  6. “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”

  I feel bad for the kids on this one.  If one of the motivations for having children was to have a built-in caregiver, that’s sad.  If you’ve been blessed with a supportive family and the day comes when you as ailing parents need help, I sincerely hope that your children are there for you.  However, it’s not reason enough for us to become Moms.

My father lost his Dad at 11 and his Mom at 23.  He didn’t have elderly parents to take care of, but he did take care of his Aunts until their last breath.  They didn’t expect anything from him, he did it because he was raised with the mentality that family comes first.  I hope that if someday I need help, that my niblings will do that for me too.  However, I don’t have the expectation that they will and neither should parents.  We have no idea what life has in store for us.

  7. “There’s always adoption.”

  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with adoption, but it’s also a very personal decision.  It’s a beautiful choice to make if it’s the right one for you.  However, it’s also not a new invention or trend on social media.  There aren’t any breaking news stories about how adoption is now available to the world. Everyone knows it’s an option, but it’s only an option if you deem it to be one.

By saying this to someone who doesn’t have kids, it assumes that they want children and that their only way of having them is to adopt (as if you’re a fortune teller).  There’s also an undertone that their life will matter more if they’re a mom. It’s not about the act of adoption, it’s about overstepping boundaries and commenting on someone’s life without asking what they want to begin with.

  These are all statements, questions, and comments that myself and other Aunts have heard throughout the years.  If you’ve never uttered these words to another woman than I praise you for your sensitivity.  However, if you do hear someone asking these questions or chiming in with comments, I encourage you to interject and change the topic.  They’ll thank you for it.

If you’ve enjoyed this article, you might also like:

Avoid Doing These 5 Things In Front Of Children

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[engineerkoalaandthethoughttrain]

I have read several blogs or posts from mothers, specifically stay at home moms, who say their lives are so lonely. That the only people they talk to are children. They have no time for friends. Their spouse is always working. They feel completely isolated and alone. They are envious of childfree people and all their free time and activities and so on and so forth. Their lives must be SO EASY AND FUN!

Im here to give you a different perspective of the childfree life, specifically when both spouses work odd hours. It’s lonely. Its lonely AS FUCK. A quick intro to our family - me, who works on call 24/7 and has short notice as to when i have to go in. My fiancé, who works nights as a local truck driver. Two dogs, labs - lovable and rambunctious.

When you have a spouse that works nights, it already puts a strain on your relationship. While you’re up and about and would live to spend an afternoon doing relationship things, they have to sleep. When your job requires you to be rested at all times and be ready to go at the drop of a hat, it adds an interesting element to the relationship. Basically, we never see each other and if we do, one of us is sleeping. We go WEEKS where one is walking in and one is walking out. We are currently on our third week of not spending time together. And i am lonely as fuck.

I feel like im losing my mind just a bit. I spend my time talking to the dogs. They aren’t great conversation. When i go to work, i see a few people that i chat with for a bit, then its just me and one other person in the cab of a locomotive for up to 12 or so hours. Then i usually get some food at a restaurant, sometimes by myself, sometimes with other coworkers who happen to be in the same town. Then i go to my hotel room and stare at the walls until its time to go home. Sometimes its 10 hours, sometimes its 30. I spend the next few hours with one person, then go home. My fiancé is either sleeping or at work. Rinse and repeat for the next 28 years.

Sometimes we have a rare night off together. When those nights happen, we make a point to make them count. But a lot of times, what happened tonight happens - he’s off, but i might be going to work somewhere around 2am. Might. I don’t want to complain - this is the career i chose and the career that allows us to live quite comfortably- and I certainly don’t want to tell him he has to sit home with me. I don’t dare go out anywhere because what if my phone rings to go to work and im a half hour away from home? Then i have to drag him away too, or drive separate. So he goes out, i stay home. And talk to the dogs.

And be lonely. “Why doesn’t this chick call her friends?” you may ask. Well, because im one unlucky bitch. I have wonderful friends. I love them and they love me and when they all lived in the same town as me, we hung out ALL the time. Unfortunately for me (fortunately for them!) they moved out of town, one by one. A couple had kids, they all work incredibly hard. Three of them are a 30-40 minute drive away. Not a huge deal, but far enough that it doesnt really work to go there when i work on call. It wasn’t a big deal when they were a 10 minute drive (or next door). So we don’t hang out much anymore. And im lonely.

So whatever glamour you think a childfree life may be, please understand that you are incorrect. Sure, yes, we have the ability to be a bit more spontaneous when we both have time off, but day to day, im just as lonely as the stay at home mom. Our lives are very different, but some of our struggles are the same. I know you don’t like my dogs as much as i do, and i dont like your kids as much as you do, but at least we can find understanding in each other while we clean up puke and try to keep our shit together....