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misc-obeyme · 7 months

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CC 😭😭😭 lesson 30 was a rollercoaster huh. Tbh as a Beel lover, I wasn’t happy w how Belphie was acting here. I asked Beel what he thought of the Angel's Trial and Belphie just cuts him off!! And he made Beel sad and that is unacceptable to me 😤 (he says not to make him mad but no spoilers for og lesson 16 could make me choose not to be a petty bitch when I can) Beel is his own person and too sweet for this shit

Telling Sol his cooking sucks was :((( 0/10 I would've gently reminded him ratios are important especially in baking and just make sure he's not putting anything inedible in there. Or tell him to focus his creativity solely on the plating/presentation bc you eat w your eyes too or smt idk

I kinda found it funny when Sim basically told Luke he was an ugly crier. Poor baby, I hope the egg grants him that wish

I get this was setup for Levi's Little D arc but teasing the truth again makes me wanna bang my head on a wall. I know Lucifer suspects smt abt us. We know Barb knows something

Speaking of Barb, I choose to believe that the Little Ds are gonna be important later and that Beel did eat Number 6 but Barb uh, made sure that didn't happen actually

AHH anon, this lesson KILLED ME. I'm so sorry to everyone who had to read the unhinged post I wrote last night lol.

Okay, see, I was so wrapped up in the Solomon debacle that I forgot about the whole Beel & Belphie thing.

I get that Belphie is being protective, but I also felt like he wasn't really taking Beel's feelings into consideration! I think there's a fine line between being protective and being controlling. And Belphie was right on the edge of that line, imo. When you're being protective to the point that you're ignoring the needs of the person you're supposedly protecting well... it kinda defeats the purpose there, buddy.

I wonder if they're going to kind of expand on that at some point. Have the twins hash it out with each other. Because I think Belphie isn't normally like this, but I think he's still wary of humans. And his concern is overriding his usual consideration of Beel's feelings.

OKAY LET'S TALK SOLOMON AGAIN.

Listen, I've had a little time to calm down, but I am still UPSET.

Now, of course, it's best to remember that this is fiction and nothing in fiction happens the way it would irl. BUT if I had a friend (or romantic interest/boyfriend/etc) who really enjoyed cooking, but for some reason always made gross food, I probably wouldn't lie to them directly. I would do exactly as you suggest, gently remind them of how to follow a recipe and so on. I can't imagine that Solomon has spent all his life trying to learn how to cook and somehow keeps screwing it up? Like considering how much he does it, he should be getting better at it?

And apparently someone told him his cooking tasted bad in season 3 of the OG, but I don't remember that lol. If it's in the hard lessons, that's why I don't remember... I haven't actually finished all the hard lessons of the OG... oops I keep forgetting they exist my bad.

Anyway, my point here is that it doesn't make sense that someone doing something they enjoy all the time wouldn't get better at what they're doing at some point. I get that this is fictional and maybe they have a reason for it, but they need to tell us what it is because I can't take HIS SAD FACE. Normally I'd be like listen sometimes you gotta be honest or whatever, but not like this!! I would've been like what exactly did you do to make the cake taste this way, let's figure it out together... I would help him, not just be all sorry this is gross and leave it at that!

Sorry sorry I'm ranting again. I just love that silly sorcerer so much and his reaction just made me so sad.

I'm so curious about what Luke is finally gonna wish for lol. I feel like Simeon teases him the most out of everybody, he's just so chill and nice about it that it doesn't register as teasing.

I just don't understand why hiding the egg's existence was a good lie while telling Solomon his cake was good wasn't??? Ugh my heart.

AND OH YES LEVI.

I was very upset about that, too!! Like, no you don't understand!! I do need to leave, but I need to get back to you!!

I want to go back, but I don't want to go back! The stress of this is getting to me. Can we please hurry up and be done with this timeline nonsense?! Barb definitely knows something. I just want him to fix things! I think I'd have confronted him about it by now. I don't care what Sol says about not telling people we're from the future, I'd be like Barbatos, my true love, I know you already know, so let's hear it!! What is going on!?!?

I definitely think the Little Ds are going to be important later, too! Something about the fairies seems like it's going to matter as well, but I'm not entirely sure how yet.

Oh no poor Number 6! Even if Barb saved him, I would think being eaten would be rather traumatic lol.

#sorry I kinda devolved into rantings again #I'm still not over this lesson it seems #obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me solomon #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me simeon #obey me barbatos #obey me luke #obey me leviathan #anon asks #misc answers

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sharksa-shivers · 9 months

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Part 2 of last post cuz yeah, Sharky end And Max info

Sharky cont- --- *One of Sharky's more animal-esc characteristics is that true to real sharks, he can barf his stomach up...Like the entire fucking organ. He FUCKING HATES that he can do it but he can lmao. He doesn't really know how to control it really yet either but he can force it if he has to. He usually does it whenever he's eaten way too goddamn much/eaten something real fuckin bad or he's stressed as fuck/scared as fuck/disgusted as fuck. So that's fun. (He could control it if he wanted to, sharks like Slash can do it on command lol) *Out of The Trio, Sharky's defs the best cook. Mostly because Amber's the main one who cooks at the Campsite and she's taught him a tonnnnnnnnnnn in that regard...So if something has to be cooked, usually it's Sharky doing it cuz he knows how to do it and do it well. Sharky usually likes baking the most if he had to pick something he likes doing the most in the kitchen. *Sharky does like food alot but he downplays tf out of it alot because he doesn't wanna be seen as 'that kinda shark' to which his friends are like "Bruh, cmon lmao..." --- Max- *Max is a goddamn trash goblin and will like...try anything at least once as long as it's not poison (cuz duh) and if it's not fish related (fish make him sick) so like...If you gave Max a chocolate shake with hot sauce and pickles blended into it, Max absolutely fucking would...Probably without hesitation either...And then he'd tell you you'd have to try alot fuckin harder to gross him out lmao... *Max sometimes will legit eat inedible things...Because as stated above, he's a trash goblin. He literally fucking is lmao...He also will eat out of the trash without hesitation too. (he says he's had to do it a ton as a stray kid on the streets so...Doing it at 14/15 doesn't bother him at all. Not a shred lmao...) *Max does get into alcohol at some bits, mostly stealing it from adults around him...Max is constantly trying to find stuff to numb his depression so...Booze is a classic option in that catagory of stuff and Max does know that... *Max is a goddamn cryptid anomly we do not understand...Thus he can easily outeat Sharky like 30x's over and Max doesn't ever gain weight...Everrrrrrrrr really...Which actually gets on his nerves alot, he wants more weight to throw around in fights lol...Max also gets annoyed genuinely too that he seemingly is never really ever satisfied/full. It's very fucking weird and nobody understands how Max functions in that sense... *Max says there is a difference between his constant never ending hunger and like...hunger hunger like 'i need food or i'm gonna be in some shit soon'...He says the hunger hunger is alot stronger and feels like shit...It's alot stronger of a feeling then his usual constant nonstop hunger he feels all the time... *Despite being a dog, Max can eat chocolate and whatnot cuz he's an anthro. Anthros are more human-esc in some ways and more animal-esc in other ways...Depends on what aspects we're talking about but in that regard, anthro dogs are like humans, chocolate is fine for them...Which makes Max hella happy since he fuckin adores brownies... *Max should have died by cardiac arrest by now with how much fucking coffee he drinks but like so many other things, it doesn't affect him in negative ways really and we don't fucking know why... *Max knows how to cook but he is lazy and impatient alot whenever he does do it so...He usually doesn't lmao...

#kidnappedseries #Kidnappedseries rambles

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anothermcytblog · 4 years

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do not ask why i made this but here is the entire transcript of “Wilbur talking about eating Sand for 14 minutes...” I wrote in two hours for no reason other then boredom.

Phil, farming sand in minecraft: -it is similar to how the 0 tick farms work where it pushes pistons underneath and on top.

Wilbur, donating with Text To Speech: Phil have you ever eaten sand?

Phil, laughing: No. I don't think I have. I might have when I was a kid I guess. Why Wilbur? Whas- wuah wuh wuh What is this?

TTS Wilbur: Could eat the sand.

Phil, silent for a second:

Phil: I could the...

Phil:

Phil: I could?

TTS Wilbur: Might be faster.

Phil, laughing again: Inhaled sand. Okay. Into my body, then what? I need to place it dude, what do you mean? I'm just gonna shit out bricks. I'm just gonna shit out- I'm just gonna shit out sandstone is that it?

TTS Wilbur: Then you put sand somewhere better.

Phil, wheezily chuckling: Wil I have- I have actually no idea where you are going with this. I'm legit just as confused as some people in chat. I don't- *laughing*

TTS Wilbur: Well if the sand is somewhere better then it's not in your way anymore.

Phil: You okay WIl? You alright mate? We were playing Civ for a long time last night. Are you okay mate? You’re not gonna start worrying me are you? We’re pretty close to each other.

TTS Wilbur: Yeah I’m fine. If you eat the sand and move it then you won’t have to keep shoveling it.

Phil, sighing like a disappointed dad: Brilliant. Chat I don’t know he’s gone off the- he’s gone off *gasp* Oh my fucking god dude he was so quiet. That is a threat they make no noise when they’re on lava. Jesus. I was like “What’s hit me!?” It was like a single hit that made me think it was a player or something cause it was silent. I was just like- there was no noise. Okay dually noted, magma cubes don’t make any noise on lava.

TTS Wilbur: Magma cubes are boring Phil. Let’s talk about eating sand again.

Phil, laughing: Wil have you- have you ate sand is this what you are talking about *hears a ghast* fucking hell.

TTS Wilbur: Yes I have.

Phil, softly: What is this conversation… *Normal tone* Was it nice?

TTS Wilbur: It gets between your teeth and is fun to crunch in the car ride home.

[ Phil, grossed out and letting out various forms of Nope and nooo in funny tones of voice ]

Phil: Ooohhh that was a horrible vision. That was a horrible visual. You had a strange childhood Wilbur I’m just gonna say it wasn’t my fault though. *Laughing* Did you just pocket sand and start going- *mimickings eating sand*

TTS Wilbur: Then when I get home I put it in my mouse. I successfully move the sand.

[ Phil sighs disappointedly ]

Phil: Chat I don’t know what we’re going to do with Wil.

TTS Wilbur: I would sometimes put it in my pockets too yes.

Phil: I don’t know what we’re going to do with Wil he’s a lost cause chat. Genuinely worried for my dude. It’s not five head.

TTS Wilbur: This wasn’t in my childhood, Phil.

[ Phil is silent in disappointed dad™ for a solid like, seven seconds]

Phil: Wil when I come to visit you, uhhh, later this year we’re going to have talks about this. We’re going to have talks, son.

TTS Wilbur: Why?

Phil: Stop eating sand son. *Laughing* It’s not good for you.

TTS Wilbur: What’s in it that’s bad for me?

Phil: It is literal rocks! *Sighing* Oohh I can’t. Chattt. Tell him pleaaase.

TTS Wilbur: So is salt.

Phil: Oooohhh I knew he was gonna pull some weird sh- I fucking knew- *chuckling* Not the same dude. *Laughing* Not edible. Please he does not have a point do not give him any sort of leeway here chat.

TTS Wilbur: Please enlighten me on what makes salt edible and sand inedible.

[ Phil is silent in disappointed dad™ part 2 electric boogalo]

A TTS Donation: Human biology college major here. I do not recommend eating sand.

Phil, cackling: Ohh… god.

TTS Wilbur: Why not?

Phil: Wil does sand- does sand dissolve in water Wil? I don’t think it does, does it?

TTS Wilbur: Any further questions? Or have I persuaded you?

[ Phil Laughs ]

A different TTS Donation: Now I know why Wilbur’s humor is so dry. It’s from all the sand he’s been eating.

Phil, losing his mind laughing: Ohhhh- *cackles* Nice Trixtin.

TTS Wilbur: So we’re relying that sand isn’t contaminated with dog piss or something. Sand physically can not harm you if you eat it. It’s fun to chew like chewing blades of grass in fields. A simple pastime. No nutritional value like salt.

[ Phil is silent in disappointed dad™ part 3: Batman returns ]

Phil: A simp-

[ Notification that Niachu is raiding ]

Phil, laughing and losing his mind: I didn’t even get to finish my sentence I just said “A simp” and then Niachu shows up with a raid. Niachu get your man, he’s fucking being weird. Thank you so much for the raid. *Laughing*

A different TTS Donation: Chewing sand is basically inviting fiberglass into your system.

Phil: Yes- uh Nikki, Wil is boasting about eating sand and saying that there is nothing wrong with it.

TTS Wilbur: I invite fiberglass into my system. Formally.

[ Phil is silent in disappointed dad™ part 4: This time it’s personal ]

Phil: He’s lost dude. Oh nooo *chuckles*

TTS Wilbur: My teeth grow perpetually like a hamster. Akin to a hamster I must chew sand so the teeth don’t puncture my skull and kill me.

Phil, laughing: WHAT?! Bro you’re on some fucking shit what the fuck am I hearing?

TTS Wilbur: It’s quite similar to the taste of pretzels.

Phil, sighing but trying not to laugh: You need to stop- You need to stop conca- *wheezing* You need to stop comparing sand to food. He has infinite text to speech chat. I’m giving- I’m applying- I’m giving him a platform of 5.8 thousand. Dude, dangerous information he is spreading. This is the thing right chat? This is not- This is not Wil on any sort of drug at all- this is Wils natural state. Sometimes he just does this.

TTS Wilbur: Chat. Say 1 if you’re gonna go and try some sand now. Say 2 if you aren’t and also hate anyone who looks different to you.

Phil: Ohh my god you did not just- just rig the vote dude. You just fucking rigged the vote. *Laughing* Wil, do you just want to get on a call and discuss this?

Phil, presumably after calling Wilbur on discord: Explain yourself.

Phil, after a moment of silence: Guys he’s silent I’m scared. *laughing*

TTS Wilbur: Oh fuck wait.

[ Phil, losing his mind ]

Wilbur, now on call and verbally talking: No I’d like to know- I’d like to- I’d like to genuinely know what’s wrong with what I’m saying.

Phil: What is wrong with eating sand?

Wilbur: Yeah.

Phil: Bro it’s sand.

Wilbur: Well actually I’m not saying chewing- I’m not actually swallowing the sand I’m pretty sure. Might be a couple you know? Might be doin’ a couple of swallows… but.

[ Phil laughs but in the disappointed dad kind of way ]

Wilbur: Like you know you chew plastic pen caps. Probably something wrong about that but no one gets angry at you for doing that. As long as the sand is clean I don’t see anything wrong with chewing on some sand. Maybe you’ll swallow some as well you know it’s not- it’s not my business.

Phil: It’s gonna ffffuck up your teeth what do you mean?

Wilbur: What do you mean fuck up- so is chewing pen lids.

Phil: That is nothing compared to sand!

Wilbur: Have you ever had a pretzel, Phil?

Phil, laughing: Shut the fuck up. Yes.

Wilbur: Nonono listen, yeah so you know- have you ever bitten the salt off of the pretzel? Have you ever done that?

Phil: Not really no.

Wilbur: Oh. Well you can do that. Would that fuck up your teeth do you think?

Phil, a little confused: No I don’t think it woullld. Unless…

Wilbur: No it’s quite the same consistency as sand.

Phil: Is it thoughhhh…? Is it though? It’s sodium.

Wilbur: As someone who- As someone who eats sand I’d say it is quite consistent-

Phil, laughing: Shut up! Stop saying sand is okay to eat please.

Wilbur: It’s fine to eat- literally I’ll google it. I’ve never had to google it because it’s just so intrinzic in my knowledge that is is okay to eat.

[ Phil is silent in disappointed dad™ part 5: who raised this man? ]

Wilbur: Goodness! I didn’t realize this was an actual question. I’m obviously just so shocked that one would wonder because it’s so obviously is okay. “So I am curious, under what category does a sand cuisine fall under and why does the fascination-” This person is just being rude, I’m going to skip them.

Phil, wheezing a little and lightly mocking Wilbur: “I’m going to skip people who don’t agree with me.”

Wilbur: Uh this person- nonono I’m going to read out this person- This person says “At least not in a good way. It contains quartz which is harmful for your tooth enamel and over time it may harm your teeth although I know of many food recipes which consain- contain sand. There is not much problem for your gut unless you eat to much of it of course.” So basically it’s the quartz that is bad for your tooth enamel but the problem is I don’t have tooth enamel. I- I gave it up for Lentso I’m perfectly fine.

Phil: What are you talking about? What are- *Laughing* What are you-? Wait hold up go back a sec.

Wilbur: Yeah? I mean I don’t- I don’t know what recipes include sand but I’d love to try some.

Phil: Go back to what you just said before.

Wilbur: What, I gave it up for lent? Why are you laughing?

Phil, mumbling a little: I don’t…

Wilbur: Okay around the time of easter uhhh Christan people are supposed to give up something that means a lot to them that’s called lent.

Phil: And you gave up your enamel?

Wilbur: Well it means a lot to me.

Phil: You can’t give up your enamel.

Wilbur: Wilbur: Wh- Well what have I been doing?

Phil, laughing a little: I don’t know what you’ve been doing. That’s like saying “I gave up my bones for lent.”

Wilbur: I think- I think we’re going off track here. The point is sand is perfectly fine to eat and that- that the quartz in it that damages your teeth I’m sure- I’m sure you guys can do fine without it.

Phil: I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree here. I-

Wilbur: That’s fine I’m not- I’m not saying you should enjoy eating it I’m just you should be happy with me eating it- I mean there is a lot of prejudice in this chat.

Phil: O-ohh… I should respect your choices to eat sand and damage your teeth?

Wilbur: Yeah. I know you’re saying that sarcastically but you really should. You should think about this one- you knowing chewing hay? Like- Like a blade of grass if you’re walking? You must have done it, hanging out the right hand side of your mouth. Maybe have a bajo with you as well.

Phil, laughing: I think- I agree with Trixtion, “Being happy with- for you is a bit much. The most you can expect is tolerance.”

Wilbur: That’s fine. Do you tolerate me eating sand Phil?

Phil: Where are you getting sand from to begin with now that I think about it. You live- you live in Londen there’s just- fucking tems dude.

Wilbur: Any convenient store, construction sites-

Phil: Ooooookay.

Wilbur: Hour glasses-

Phil: OOOOhhh okay.

Wilbur: Fish tanks-

Phil, laughing: Nooooo- stop what you are doing right now.

Wilbur: Crematoriums-

Phil: Bruhhhhhhh- *Cackling* This conversation is over.

Wilbur: Okay, bye bye phil.

Phil, wheezing: You know sometimes I don’t know what I expect from Wil when he’s in one of these moods- uhhh- I was not expecting that though.

TTS Wilbur: Phil call me back. I have something important to tell you.

Phil, now on call again with Wilbur: Hey mate.

Wilbur: So um, uh, on my minecraft did you know that concrete is made out of sand- and glass, a lot of glass is made out of sand. There is only certain kind of sand you can use for making concrete and glass right? And the thing is we’re actually uh, having a little bit of shortatage in the sand you can use to make concrete and glass so uh, due to that you can’t just use it just from like, like the desert you have to take it from like, the beach. Um, so what- there is a sand mafia that exists.

Phil, losing his mind: Shuttt- I hung up on him- I fucking hung up on him.

TTS Wilbur: Phil I wasn’t finished I think you hung up my accident.

TTS Wilbur: Phil I’m going to need you to call me back. Phil, on call again with Wilbur: So there’s an actual sand mafia, you fucking-

Wilbur: Yeah yeah it’s apart of a resource depletion uh, sand is having an extreme amount of resource depletion compared to a lot of things in the world, there is a serious lack of sand- let me send you some sources of what I’m talking about here. This is national geographic and this is uh-

Phil, after a cut: I thought you were fucking with me.

Wilbur: I am not fucking with you Phil.

Phil, laughing: What the fuck is this?

Wilbur: So basically the reason we need to mine so much sand is that we need to extract certain elements like titanium and zirconium. Their mineral, uh, is usually found in sand deposits due to pressure and, um, erosion. So it’s really important that you can uh- that that amount is kept under control and there is a lot of money in the sand business and where there is a lot of money there is- theres a short amount of supply, you know, you find organized crime and that’s why we have the sand mafia. I’m not going to say my eating of sand is contributing to the resource depletion because that would be uh- that would be- what’s the word… irresponsible of me but-

Phil: Mhm?

Wilbur: I’m just saying if you wanna get into trying sand, it’s sooner rather than later.

[ Phil cackles]

Wilbur: You think- I’m really not- I haven’t spoken a single lie this entire stream. I’ve just been talking the truth and everyone has been getting angry at me. I feel like- I feel like Jesus Christ right now Phil.

Phil, laughing: Ohhhh-Kay alright.

Wilbur, now sounding like he’s trying not to smile: I’ve been preaching nothing but the good word

Phil, still dying: Shut-

Wilbur, very close to smiling: And you’re trying to crucify me. Phil: Shut- Shhhhhhhhhhhhshh.

Wilbur, almost laughing: You’re tryna hang me on a cross, Phil. Just like the romans, dude.

Phil: Was this the payoff? Was this the fucking- *Wheeze*

Wilbur, now back to a more calm tone: You’re tryna crucify me. You’re tryna kill Sand Jesus.

Phil: Okay-

Wilbur: It’s not a joke.

Phil, laughing: I can literally hear the smile in your voice.

Wilbur: I’m not smiling, I’ll turn on my webcam for you Phil.

Phil, looking at Wilbur off screen: Jesus that’s horrifying. What is this- what is this angle? Oh I saw- *Laughing.*

[ Wilbur starts laughing as well ]

[ Both of them lose it ]

Phil: Oh my god I tipped over my water. I saw it- Okay okay- I’m gonna hang up. He cracked chat he cracked. Ohh fuck. *Wheezing*

#Wilbur Soot #Philza #i wish i could explain why i spent 2hrs on this but i can not

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lazyphiladelphiareviews · 5 years

Text

Old People Candy!

Hello. This isn’t a restaurant review. This is about candy. Don’t read it if you don’t want to I don’t care. I don’t get paid to do this it is basically to make myself laugh and to send to Paul because he can never remember what this website is called.

These are the candies that old people have / eat. And what I think of them.

Good N Plenty – inedible. Poisonous. This is what they give to kids in the hospital after they eat paint and they need to make you throw up so you don’t die. These should be called Bad N Few. At least be honest.

Speaking of puke on my walk to work today I saw a lady puke on the side of a building it was awesome.

Werthers Original – I don’t know why they have to call these the original. Nobody is copying them. Nobody has ever copied them. I don’t know what their flavor is but it’s not appealing. It’s like a poor man’s butter scotch which isn’t great either.

Strawberry Wrapped Strawberry Hard Candy – I love these. I love the packaging. It shows you what you’re gonna get. A strawberry wrapped strawberry hard candy. I also love the shit in the middle when you bite into it, that blast of moisture that gushes into your mouth. It’s like an angel jizzed or squirted into your mouth, whatever your sexual preference.

Nat said these come in hickory farms meat boxes which is outrageous and hilarious at the same time.

Purple Lavender Candies – I am not sure if this is even a real thing or just a thing I saw in a movie or in a dream one time. I think they are big in Europe which is like a whole different country. The thing about these purple candies is that they taste like perfume which is not something you want to be eating a lot of unless youre one of the drunks on that show Intervention. Love that show.

Green Spearmint Jellies – These are gross. You bite into them and it leaves that weird tooth mark? You know the ones. These are like what you eat after dinner in a restaurant to help your digestion. These are a decoration only.

Speaking of decorations.

Ribbon Candy – old people keep this in their fancy crystal dish and its just for décor youre not supposed to try to eat it, but that’s what kids do is try to eat stuff. One time when I was a kid I ate a Lego. The best is when you try to grab this stuff and it shatters all in your hands and all over your Christmas sweater. Ribbon candy is like weapons grade sharpness. Its like trying to eat shrapnel. I hate it. But god damn if I don’t respect it.

Cinnamon Dots and Butterscotchs – If you eat both of these at the same time, both hard candies, it forms what my dad calls a “hot setup” and the flavors are amazing. I used to eat them all the time but then my teeth started to like hurt randomly lol.

Ice Blue Menthol Hard Candies – Grandparents love these. Grand dads carried these with them in France when they were fighting the Axis powers. They are basically medicine. It’s like eating vicks vap o rub. Good for a cough. Bad for food.

Bit O Honey – I don’t even know what to say about these except that I am not eating it. I don’t even look at this like a food. It’s like all the people you pass on the street when youre walking to or from somewhere. You don’t even realize they are people. They are just obstacles. Bit O Honey is just an obstacle that gets in the way of you eating actual good candy.

Circus Peanuts – I don’t now where you would find these things, they just like, appear in old people’s parlors next to the couch with the plastic on it. Has anyone ever eaten one of these? I never have. I have no idea what these are like. They are like a movie prop, or like the punchline of a joke. 0/10

Orange Slices – Ok these are like the spearmint gummies, I used to LOVE these when I was like 13 I would get them at 7/11 when I wasn’t digging through their dumpster for discarded HUSTLER magazines. But I don’t think I could eat one of these things now. I would probably get diabetes instantly. Like this would be my body’s final straw.

Reisens – Ive never found one good reason to eat a Reisens.

Rolos – This is like, maybe not old people candy but it sucks in earnest anyways. What a shit candy. When was the last time you saw someone purchase a Rolos on purpose? How does that candy survive in this economy?

Atomic Warheads – I am including this one because it is the opposite of old people candy. This is young man candy. This is the snapchat of candy. Imagine trying to explain Warheads to your grandparents. “its not like, good, its pretty gross, it hurts, but yeah.” They would just shake their heads and go back to watching price is right and voting for trump.

Orange and Black wrapped peanut chew things – These are revolting. I cant imagine a reason to eat one of these things. They are always what’s left over after you go through all the good shit you got on Halloween. They are the Mr Irrelevant of candy. Final pick in every draft. I wouldn’t give these to my dog. And he likes peanut butter but he deserves better. He deserves better.

Here is me and my dog this Halloween we are lumberjacks.

Candy Cigarettes – These are awesome. IDK if you can find these anywhere anymore but they were great. I loved the bubble gum ones bc you could actually blow like what looked like smoke out of them. They don’t sell these anymore if you want to be cool like we used to back then you have to do other things like vape and eat laundry detergent pods.

Dots on paper – What is the point of these? What is the point of that paper? That is just a waste of paper. Also you always end up eating paper. Eating paper! This is the CVS receipt of candy. This is a good candy to eat if you hate the environment. This candy makes Greta Thunberg upset.

Those Little Wax Soda Bottles – Idk if these are old ppl candy but I wanted to mention them bc I used to like these as a kid. Lemme sip a little of that green syrup then seal that bottle up for later. Gonna sip a little more of that action later. Love these things. Love chewing wax. I could go for one of these right now.

Necco Wafers – This is just old candy, not necessarily old people, its just fucking old. I love it though! Nice and chalky. Chalk one up for me. Except not the chocolate ones those are bad. But I can get down with a Necco wafer.

Tootsie Rolls – These are worthless. Let me ask you a question. What the hell is the flavor of a tootsie roll. Is it chocolate? It’s like some discount rack chocolate taffy and its not good at all its just irritating and don’t get me started on the different color ones like the orange tootsie roll just stop. It’s the 90s now. It’s time to grow up Gossip Girl.

Ok that’s all that I can think of right now. Let me know if I forgot something that you hate. I love hearing about things that you hate. Good n Plenty sucks and now I am like visibly angry about it.

Share this article with your friends who like candy. It will distract them from the upcoming civil war. Thanks!

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xyliane · 7 years

Text

sugarhighs and chaperones

summary: just because people ship gon and killua, doesn’t mean they realize gon and killua are already together. killua’s daughter and a motley crew of his students take it upon themselves to correct this issue. leorio does not understand how he keeps getting roped into these things.

notes: a very special thanks to @sunfloweranimator whose comment on a previous headcanon post lead to...this mess. gen, fluff featuring inedal zoldyck, fourteen year old troll, leorio paladiknight who is too old for this shit but it’s not his problem if the kids are sugarhigh, a collection of well-meaning but ridiculous students, and killugon in their thirties. 1800 words.

notes the second: I’m so sorry for the delay, but next chapter of “all roads” is going up in the next few days! I was computer-less for most of the weekend still need to edit and this was half-phone-words

---

“Hey oldest geezer, I’ve got a question.”

“Inedal, you’re my favorite fourteen year old, but you know you can call me Leorio. Or Uncle Orio, like your siblings. Or Dr. Paladiknight if you feel polite for once.”

“But if Dad is the geezer, then you’re the oldest geezer.”

Leorio is immediately and viscerally reminded that Inedal is Killua’s daughter to an almost terrifying degree, her voice over the phone matter of fact like she’s stating the obvious for an idiot. He carefully turns away from the chart he’d been staring at to press fingers against his already pulsing forehead. He’s almost used to Killua’s oldest calling him at odd hours about topics ranging from wrapping sprains (so Killua won’t know) to how to unbreak a broken lockpick (so Killua will know). But usually, she just barges in with whatever it is she needs, knowing Leorio will have what she needs. That she’s hedging means either she’s growing up or wants something she’s not comfortable with. “So what’s your question?” he says.

She hums tunelessly, probably flipping a coin or a knife across her knuckles. Leorio almost starts to ask again, before she blurts out, “How do you go on a date?”

Aaahhh. Leorio leans back in his chair, a smug grin growing on his face. She’s a little younger than her dad had been before he’d started asking about this sort of thing, but it’s about time. Although why she’s asking Leorio and not Gon is another question entirely. Maybe she doesn’t want Killua to know. “So who’s the lucky kid?” Leorio asks. “Is it one of Killua’s students? Or someone from school?”

“Ew, gross!” Inedal half-screams, her voice echoing like she’s pulled the phone away from her ear. “No, this isn’t me! This is setting up Dad and Gon!”

“But...” Leorio crunches his eyebrows together. “They’ve been together for years. Hell, you know they’re together.”

“I know. But Gon only just got back, and some of Dad’s students don’t know, and they’re trying to set them up with each other to try to get my old man to relax a little.” She blows out a puff of air. “They don’t appreciate that he is relaxed, especially now that Gon’s back. He’d be training them over minefields, not the cliffs outside of your city, if he wasn’t relaxed. It’s obvious.”

And there’s the headache. “Have you been stealing their things again?”

“Only when the old man doesn’t notice. And I’m training my hatsu!”

Leorio is understandably terrified when she finally figures that out. Killua had to adopt the prodigy thief girl. “Inedal. Dating. Your dads.”

“Killua’s my dad, Gon’s Gon.”

“Right, right.”

“So? You gonna help me get them on a stupid date so the idiot teenagers my dad teaches can get their heads out of their asses?” Leorio waits, hoping that Gon’s influence holds out a little bit. She finally relents. “Please?”

“Anything for my favorite fourteen year old.”

----

Leorio regrets the anything almost immediately. She’s Killua’s kid, raised by Killua and Gon themselves. She will never fight fair, and uses every skill at her fingers to get what she wants. Which is how Leorio ends up chaperoning a mess of young adults, plus Killua’s kids Inedal and Fen, into a cafe in the bushes outside of Naclabore’s fifth most famous outdoor fish restaurant. It’s not the most expensive, and definitely not the most attractive, but it’s a place Leorio ends up going when he’s taking favored patients once they’ve healed after a particularly risky procedure, or the occasional friend blowing in from out of town. That the cafe next door has such convenient bushes for observation is completely a coincidence.

“How many of you have mastered zetsu?” Leorio asks.

About half of the teenagers thrust their hands in the air, cocky grins on their faces belying their overconfidence. Killua would eat his students alive if he knew they were overplaying their hands. The ones that have mastered it, two or three of the students as well as Fen and Inedal, have been in it since they got within sight of the restaurant. Leorio too, but he’s been a doctor for more than a decade and friends with some of the most reckless idiots in the world for two. It’s self-preservation. Not that Gon or Killua has been very good at that either.

Well. Leorio’s a doctor, not a teacher. Not his job. And Gon and Killua seem to be having a good time, wide grins on both their faces and only occasionally reaching over the table to toy with each other’s hands. At one point, Gon brushes something off of Killua’s cheek, and two of Killua’s students turn to each other and make a noise like tires squealing against pavement. “Okay, so. Those who know zetsu, can stay. Those who don’t, get going.” He turns to Inedal, who’s opening cameras on four different phones with a sly cat-like grin on her face. “Can I leave now? I have work tomorrow.”

“Oldest geezer, we both know you’re sticking around.”

“Yeah, Uncle Orio!” Fen adds, his grin wide and guileless. “We’ll pay for your lunch, too.”

Leorio eyes the ten year old boy and the fourteen year old girl, and looks right at the oldest of Killua’s students. Razin stares right back at him. While not Killua’s longest-taught student, Razin’s in their early twenties and seems to have accepted that Inedal is too stubborn for her own good. Much like her dad and Gon. “You're here,” they say, shrugging, and settle back into their salad.

“You’re talkative,” Leorio mutters, and they smirk and shrug again. “Fine, I’ll stay til they leave. But this is your fault.”

----

A list of things Killua’s students think they know about Gon, as per them not shutting up the entire time Leorio’s eating his lunch. (Inedal, thankfully, follows through on Fen’s promise. She also looks like a cat that ate a dozen canaries, so Leorio gives up bothering to stay in zetsu. If he’s getting a paid-for day off, he’s going to enjoy it.)

1. Gon is Killua’s best friend. 2. Gon is a two-star lost hunter best known for tracking down Ging Freecss multiple times, getting gem hunter Iundara Gola to finally accept payment on almost forty years of work, and how he helped end a war with Killua. 3. Gon is able to vanish into the woods and return weeks later having saved three endangered species and a giant hawk. 4. Gon can turn his whole right arm into a sword that he uses to carve trees into boats. 5. Gon once swam from the Yorubian continent all the way to the Bergerose Nations to find the right swarm of shrimp for a dinner for his mom. (Leorio nearly chokes on his drink at this one, because he knows exactly what they’re talking about, and...no. No. But yes. But no.)

A list of things Killua’s students think will happen with Gon and Killua, kept PG more likely due to Leorio’s adultly presence than Inedal and Fen’s youthful egging on.

1. Kissing. How many dates before it happens is a debate that lasts all lunch. 2. Easier training sessions while Killua daydreams over his best friend, an idea that a few of the more intelligent students shoot down immediately, but such voices of reason are drowned out. 3. More dates, which means less time spent being zapped for inadequate form.

That Inedal isn’t telling them most of these lists is complete and total bullshit of one form or another, says more about her ability to keep her mouth shut for the sake of the game than any inconsistencies in narrative. Fen is practically vibrating, spinning increasingly ridiculous tall tales about things Gon and Killua have done, until his ice cream arrives and he buries himself up to his elbows in the frozen dessert.

Absolutely none of this is Leorio’s fault. He’s just the chaperone.

----

The only warning most of the not at all covert gathering of students has that Gon and Killua have finished their lunch is how Inedal mysteriously vanishes from sight midway into a conversation with one of the students about how she does her hair. The student looks briefly puzzled before Killua appears all but out of nowhere right behind her. “We’re doing zetsu training for the next two weeks,” he says with the sort of gleeful menace usually reserved for melodramatic laughter by movie villains.

Almost the entire table scrambles to their feet, dishes scattering across the stone. Leorio narrowly rescues the last of his wine, sipping it as casually as he can with Killua’s grin widening to something horrible. “Sup, old man. It’s been a while.”

“Leorio!” Gon calls, and Leorio is half-choked by Gon leaning in for a hug. He’s not as tall as Killua or Leorio, but he’s built as solid as ever, and his hug is strong and tight.

“Welcome back to civilization, buddy” Leorio says.

Killua exchanges a look with Gon, and he sighs. “What are you even doing here. With my students. And...” He tilts his head to the side, lightning flickering through his thick ponytail. There’s a yelp from overhead, and Inedal bounces out of the tree, glaring and embarrassed at being found. “Two of my kids.”

“You need to stop teaching Inedal how to wrap people around her fingers.”

“You need to stop letting her.” But he ruffles his daughter’s hair affectionately nonetheless, leaving her pigtails a staticky mess. She huffs and plops into the seat next to Leorio.

Fen all but vibrates his way up Gon’s arms, tugging at the shorter-than-usual spikes on Gon’s head. Leorio guesses he got it trimmed before meeting up with Killua and the kids. “You got a date with Pa!” Fen says, smile wide.

“I did,” Gon says, and smiles warmly. Killua’s cheeks turn a little pink.

“You gonna go on another?”

Gon’s smile stays the same, but his eyes dance. “I dunno, Fen. That’s all up to Killua.”

“What do you mean it’s up to me,” Killua grumbles. “You’re the one who--”

“You have to take him out again!” one of the students says, hopes higher than Yorknew Tower.

“Yeah! Killua’s a great guy, and a great teacher!’”

“He’s kind of an asshole about his chocolate, but I’m sure you’re already used to it!”

“And he talks about you a lot, even if the stories seem weird.”

“Did you really catch stars in your fists?”

Killua holds up a hand, and everyone shuts up almost instantly. Leorio is more than a little impressed. Until Killua opens his mouth and says, “Wait, are you dumbasses trying to hook me up with Gon?”

“That is why all the students set you up,” Inedal says, and picks at her nails to avoid Killua’s boggled stare. “They even paid for Uncle Leorio’s help.”

“I wasn’t paid!”

“You got lunch. And dessert.”

“Which Fen ate.”

“Which you let Fen eat. He eats too much ice cream. Aren’t you a doctor? Shouldn’t you tell him to balance it with carrots or something?”

Killua and Gon both choke back laughter. Or more accurately, Killua started groaning about Fen and sugarhighs, while Gon asks, giggles tickling out of the back of his throat, “I don’t know, Killua. Dating sounds fun.”

“Gon, we’ve been together for fifteen years.”

“But we never officially dated, Killua. Boyfriend and boyfriend. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Killua opens his mouth to say something absolutely ear-meltingly awful and not at all safe for Leorio’s mind, but holds off at the last minute. Maybe he thinks better of it and has actually grown up at some point in the last twenty-plus years. Maybe he catches sight of his kids. Instead he says to Gon, “More dates this time. You’re buying.”

“Half.”

“Two-thirds. And as for you all...” Killua glances at his best friend and smirks. “Before we start in on retraining your zetsu, we’re going to go back to camp straight through the mountains. Inedal, I think you could use a refresher too. Gon, you mind grabbing what we need?”

A chorus of terrified groans echoes around Leorio, who simply leans back and enjoys the chaos.

#hunter x hunter #hxh fic #killugon #aged up killugon #inedal #and the kids #gon freecss #killua zoldyck #leorio paladiknight #I'm sorry I keep roping you into things like this leorio #this is an incredibly self-indulgent fic with an oc or ten #it's about 20 years post-canon I'm sorry #my writing #fluff #copious amounts of ice cream consumption by a ten year old

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agitatogrande · 7 years

Text

Random Falsettos Headcanons Because I’m Having Trouble Sleeping

Marvin is, like, ABSURDLY good at video games for someone who didn't grow up with them.

Trina got Mendel a food dehydrator as a wedding gift, and he makes dried fruit all the time. Jason thinks it's gross until he discovers that what his classmates find funny and what happens when you eat dried fruit (farting) are one and the same, and he makes bank selling Mendel's dried fruit after school. Eventually, they set up a booth at a farmer's market.

Whizzer is part of a gay a cappella group called The Music Men. They sing at his funeral after he passes. (Side note: the presence of a tombstone in the end of Falsettos suggests that he didn't have a Jewish burial, since Jewish people tend not to unveil the tombstone until after a certain period of time has passed, generally a month to a year after burial depending on the family, or that it is the aforementioned unveiling and not his funeral)

Jason is really good at ping-pong and regularly kicks the asses of the rest of the TKF. Marvin and Charlotte are decent, Mendel is abysmal, and Trina prefers to cheerlead. Jason refuses to compete against Whizzer because he likes Whizzer too much and doesn't want to beat him, and he's forbidden from playing against his only real competition, Cordelia, because she's super competitive and a real potty-mouth when she's losing.

Mendel and Trina are totally those embarrassing parents who get really into lip-syncing on car rides and it horrifies Jason, but Trina just goes "would you rather we sing?" and Jason just hides.

Marvin is really into magic tricks and keeps trying to get Jason into them, but Jason couldn't give less of a shit.

The dog that they sing about in "Making A Home" is a flatulent terrier mix named Boris, and he gets a happy ending when he goes to live with Trina's parents in the fall of 1981.

Mendel's into really gross food combinations and it bothers the hell out of Trina, but then she gets pregnant and starts craving them and Mendel thinks he has the last laugh, but then after the baby comes, Trina goes right back to thinking the combinations are nasty again.

Jason figures after his bar mitzvah that he's almost too old for trick-or-treating so he decides to make 1981 the last year he does so. Trina doesn't feel like waddling around the Upper West Side (I have the headcanon that she's a few months along by the time Whizzer passes and she has Jason's little sister in early 1982) and Mendel has an awesome costume that he decides at the last minute is too hot (temperature-wise) so Jason trick-or-treats with Charlotte and Cordelia. Charlotte goes as Princess Leia, Cordelia goes as Han Solo, and Jason goes as C3PO.

Trina's really good at making paper airplanes for some reason. She also makes bomb-ass peanut brittle, which she doesn't share with anyone. The only reason anyone else knows it's good is because one time she was halfway through eating her stash when Mendel came home with a bouquet of flowers the size of a small planet, and in the hour it took to arrange the flowers around their apartment, Jason took off with the rest of the peanut brittle.

Whizzer is really good at swatting flies out of mid-air with just his hands. Jason's super-impressed. Marvin's a little impressed and a little grossed out, at least until Whizzer washes his hands.

Because they hadn't met Cordelia yet and their wedding was kind of a rush job, Mendel and Trina did not have a fancy wedding cake. They had a practically inedible one, because that's what you get when you let a literal child make your wedding cake. Mendel's parents ended up feeling bad for Jason and took him out to buy some black-and-white cookies after the ceremony (Trina's parents had to get back to Westchester before the Metro-North stopped running) to give Mendel and Trina some alone time.

Marvin and Whizzer went on a ski trip shortly before the events of "March of The Falsettos" (the show, not the song) took place. Marvin, in a departure from his usual garb, wore very fitted ski gear and Whizzer had a "stupid sexy Flanders" moment.

Cordelia and Charlotte compete in roller derby. Cordelia's derby name is Donut Mess With Me. Charlotte's is I Don't DuBois (her last name is pronounced doo-BWA, but for the sake of her derby name, she pronounces it doo-BOYS). Trina came up with both those puns and she is very proud of herself. She attends all their home bouts.

Jason's best friend in school is that weird kid who eats his own boogers because he claims it builds immunity.

Mendel, Trina and Charlotte are the first to completely demolish the bread basket at any restaurant. Mendel keeps a detailed record of every bread option at every restaurant that offers it, and Trina appreciates his wisdom and input but wishes he didn't get so much joy out of saying "a full-bodied crusty loaf."

Whizzer kept in touch with Jason after the break-up and would routinely pull him out of school at lunch time to take him to diners. He would always order sodas with lemon, then separate the fruit from the rind and put the rind in his mouth to make it look like he had yellow teeth.

Trina takes Jason to the Bronx Zoo by herself because there is a peacock there that is infatuated with Mendel and keeps trying to peck him in the ass every time they try to go as a family. Mendel's parents got Jason a video camera as a bar mitzvah gift and Jason videotaped one of the peacock encounters and had one of his A/V nerd friends add the Benny Hill theme music to the video in post-production.

Cordelia once had a near-breakdown over an attempt to "class up" a corndog for an event.

Trina is straight-up OBSESSED with "A Chorus Line" and has memorized all the lyrics to every song, plus the dance break in "Music and the Mirror." She can do it, but not well.

The meanest thing anyone's ever said to Mendel was that he was too white to go on Soul Train. Ironically, it was said without intentional malice by Whizzer, who not only was "whiter" than Mendel, but went on to appear on Soul Train himself between the time he and Marvin ended their relationship and the time they got back together. Jason has a video tape of that episode (he didn't record it himself, he wrote a letter to the producers and they mailed him one) and Mendel has long-forgiven Whizzer but he still refuses to watch the episode.

Charlotte was totally that kid that ate bugs on a dare, but she was also that kid who buried herself in books so she knew which bugs would be safe to eat.

Twenty years after the events of Falsettos take place, Mendel and Trina basically morphed into Roger and Virginia Klarvin from SNL (the middle-aged TMI couple played by Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch).

#falsettos #falsettos headcanons

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pyxel-spree · 7 years

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07 | je m’appelle

The house is tall and imposing and silent when Miss Rochelle and those animals she calls children drop me off on the front lawn, leaving me to stagger up the porch steps lugging my suitcase. I bang on the door about eighty times before I hear feet move from inside to open it. "About damn time," I snarl, ready to see Isolde or my brother, but it's not either of them. Instead, it's a girl with long pink hair and a thick layer of makeup on. As I get closer, I can see that the underside of her hair is cropped short and dyed white. She is wearing blue print leggings and loose tank top with one of those racerback designs, and I can see the nude straps of her bra on her thin shoulders. She looks, for lack of a better word, cool, making me feel all the more disgusting.

She stares at me for a while, and I'm starting to wonder if I have something on my face, but then I realize that I haven't said a word. "Um, is Isolde home?"

She frowns. "Duchess Greanleefe went out a while ago. Who are you?"

"Oh, she didn't tell you? I'm Oceania." Seeing her blank look, I say, "You know, her stepdaughter? From Valorian?" Now she's narrowing her eyes suspiciously, so I hastily add, "Look, just get Llenwi, will you? He'll know it's me."

She motions for me to come inside, and I follow her. The house is dark and big and badly decorated. "So, you're the new maid?" I ask, then regret it instantly when she narrows her blue eyes at me.

"No. I'm Trainee Agent Danica Kesley. From Olympia." she spits.

"Sorry," I say, but the damage is done. "Er, Olympia? What are you doing here?"

"My team and I have been assigned to a top secret mission. It's classified." she adds self-importantly.

"So you and your team are staying with us?"

"Of course. Your senator requested it personally."

Since when does Cielaré ask favors from Greanleefes? But I have no time to ask, because in comes my brother. "Hey," he mumbles.

"Hey," I reply. From his expression I can tell he hasn't quite gotten over me telling him he was a waste of space last summer.

"Your room is upstairs-" he tells me, and then I throw up on him. I don't do it maliciously, although that is my motivation for many other things. Rather, my nauseousness has been growing for some time, and it's really now or never.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry," I tell him. He just sits there, looking sad and gross and scowling. "Uh, want some towels or something?" What's left of the macaroons is all over his Brass Mannequins shirt.

"I'm FINE." he snaps, ears going red. "Just go upstairs, okay? Before you ruin something else."

"I'm trying to be nice! Why are you being such a bitch?"

"You threw up on me! How is that nice?" He waves his too-long arms emphatically, looking like a cartoon character drowning.

"Whatever. Brass Mannequins suck ass anyway." I tell him, then stomp upstairs. It has to be an older brother thing, Anni and I decided, this love of atrocious music, where instead of perfectly good, if a bit clichéd pop tunes, one found a love for obscure indie bands that no one actually gave a damn about. Her brother did it too, played Zombies of Centaurii, Klexa & The Demons, and my personal favorite, Zaina Kate's Survival Guide to Hell, until we begged him to please, please, put on some Pippi Silk or Tylenol.

I wonder if he's still listening to those songs. If they help, at all, with this.

As I thump up the stairs, I am nearly killed by the scariest short woman I've ever seen. She has warm brown skin and eyes, and a long rope of black hair, which may make her sound like a nice aunt, but she's wearing leather and gold jewelry, and is carrying a legit real actual pistol on her hip. I almost scream as her hand goes to her weapon, but then, perhaps realizing that I am a minor who does not need immediate death, she lets me pass. I sprint to the third floor much faster than is necessary, in case she changes her mind. She must be another one of the special agents, though she appears quite at a contrast to the pink-haired, non-threatening Danica.

My room is on the left, and when I open it, it looks like it's been painted by a small child. It's a nauseating shade of bubblegum pink, with a pale blue bed and white daybed set. There's a dresser, some shelves, and a soft pink couch, complete with an old TV that I'm pretty sure doesn't work. The bedspread looks like the one I had from when I was six and only liked pastel colors. As I approach it, I see that it is, pdown to the fruit punch stain in the left corner.

The closet is hardly better. I have a whopping two sets of pajamas, in eye-watering neon brights. One has grey leopard-print booty shorts. I make a mental note to throw them out when no one's looking.

••

Dinner is awkward. First of all, Isolde returns, which is weird enough, considering she never seems to have time to connect with any of us. She's probably trying to make a good impression on our visitors. To make matters worse, my brother decides to cook for us all. Which would have been a really thoughtful gesture if Llenwi could cook, but quite honestly, no one wants red water poured over limp noodles.

We meet the rest of the team. There's the scary woman, a brother and sister who look like twins, Danica of the pink hair, an earnest-looking young guy who's wearing a tactical vest, a dude with a shaved head that looks like a terrorist, a pretty woman even smaller than the scary woman, and their leader, a thin man with sad eyes. Isolde eyes the men appraisingly. Gross, but not as bad as the dinner. I end up scavenging Sheila G's Brownie Brittle from the cabinet, smearing black cherry ice cream on it, and eating that instead, all the while pushing Llenwi's foul meal around and making encouraging noises.

I swear, I am a born actress.

The Olympia people are silent, concentrating on their food as if it is going to vanish the second they stop staring at it. Isolde addresses herself to the leader guy. "So, how long do you expect to stay with us?"

"As long as we need to." interrupts the pretty woman, pursing her lips in irritation. The other man flashes her a dirty look.

"Ah." Isolde smooths her blonde hair back. "Oceania. How was your trip?"

"It was god-awful, actually. Thanks for asking." I say.

There is silence. The brother and sister exchange nervous glances. Llenwi looks like he is going to keel over and die. In our classic family hierarchy, we, the plebeians, know we are not to complain, for Isolde, as she always says, is very busy and works much harder than we know. So when she asks "How was your trip?" we are to say, "Fine," and nothing else.

But liars never win, and the New Oceania always tells the truth. Lies, after all, are what got us into this mess. "That bitch you put me with had these two shithead brats who kicked me and tried to steal my shit the whole way here. It's amazing I still had the clothes on my back when I came in, really. They made me eat shit food, and quite honestly, I'm pretty sure those kids didn't know the first thing about dental hygiene. I realize you're trying to save money on your embarrassing stepdaughter, but that doesn't mean I have to pretend like we're some happy little family."

"Oceania! Not in front of the guests." Isolde hisses, lovely face flushing, but I am done.

"May I be excused? This food is inedible."

"No, you may not-" Isolde starts, but I run upstairs before she can get the last part out. Fuming, I slump on my bed so absolutely furious I could spit. How was my trip? Seriously? Not how are you; are you okay; did they treat you right at the institute? She doesn't care about me unless I'm winning awards to make her look like some supermom.

At the bottom of my suitcase are two braids the color of straw. I take them out, fold them, stick them under my pillow. Then I stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep.

Why did you do this to me?

••

The next day, Isolde leaves early for work, not saying a word to me or Llenwi. The agents keep to themselves upstairs, leaving a note that the last room on the fifth floor is not to be disturbed for any reason. Isolde leaves a second note on a bright yellow sticky note informing us that the agents are in charge when she is gone. She also threatens us with certain death if we break this rule. Oh, and there's money for lunch in the kitchen cabinet.

Llenwi refuses to talk with me, thumbs moving like wildfire over a cracked phone screen. I decide to take a chance. "What are you doing?"

"Texting."

"Who?"

He doesn't answer, and I live in mystery for about two hours while trying to set the Internet up on my tablet, a shitty Modulus-77 that barely does anything. I've had it since about the fourteenth century.

At twelve (Earthen time runs on cycles of twelve, like ours) there's a knock at the door and I go to get it (Llenwi's upstairs). I about keel over from the shock. A very pretty girl with an abundance of red hair and big blue (or green, maybe?) eyes waits outside, stylishly dressed in flame-printed silk pants, a white tank top and red leather stiletto boots, her toe tapping impatiently. I can't help but notice how...prodigious...her butt and boobs are.

Her face wrinkles when she sees me, like biting into a sour berry. "Oh, hello. Is Llenwi in?"

If my jaw had dropped any lower it would have fallen off my face, and I would have needed some mad surgery to take care of that one. Since when do pretty girls ask for my brother? I just manage a nod, and she shoves past me. I yelp as her ass nearly decapitates me. "Put this here, won't you?" she demands, thrusting a red leather purse at me.

Anger rises in me, and I shove it back at her. Who does this bitch think she is? "Hold your own damn purse."

Confusion spreads over her face. "Wait, you're not the help?"

Now I understand how Danica felt yesterday. "No, I'm not the fucking help. I'm Oceania Greanleefe. I'm Llenwi's sister. I live here." My voice is getting progressively louder and louder. "Next time, do your research before you come at me with this bullshit. God, you actually thought that, you privileged asshole piece of shit-"

She steps toward me menacingly, but I'm at least a head taller than her, so I don't back up. "I don't know who you think you fucking are, talking to me like this. I hate to pull the seniority card on this one, but I'm the Lady Vielene of House Onyx, so compared to me, you kind of are the help, little girl.-"

"Get the hell out if all you're going to do is be a condescending prick. I don't think me or my brother want to deal with petty s-"

"Vi!" It's my brother, coming down the fucking stairs with a huge-ass grin on his face. I could kick him. "You came!"

"Of course I fucking came!" She grins broadly, and I have to admit she is really hot. It's too bad she's such a bitch.

"I have so much I want to show you-" He leads her upstairs, looking more animated then I've seen him in years. I hang back, feeling jealous and lonely and hating this girl more than is necessary.

••

Vi and Llenwi go out for lunch, leaving me to fend for myself. I am eating Sheila G's again when there is another knock at the door. Probably Vi and Llenwi back, I think grumpily.

But instead, it is an overweight, voluptuous redhead who throws herself at me with a bear hug that about kills me. "Ermf-" I grunt as she slams into me with enough force to break a rib. "Who the hell are you?"

She separates herself from me and I get a good look at her. Large, placid green eyes with an expression of complete innocent stupidity, fashionable blue striped skirt, flip-flops made of wicker, and an Environmental Club tank top. "Hey, Ocie. I'm Candie."

So this is the girl who mailed me the suitcase with the cookies. "Oh, thanks," discomfited for the moment by her far-too-liberal use of my childhood moniker. "And it's Oc-ea-an-ia." I say, making sure to sound out each syllable of my name.

She claps her hands excitedly. "Ocie. I get it."

Sweet Jesus, this kid is dumb.

"Anyway, Ocie-O-M-G, what are you wearing?!" she screeches. I blush, realizing I'm in my pink plaid pajama bottoms and blue top, which has a suspicious stain from last night's garlic-whatever on it. Still, there's no need for the extreme reaction.

"My pajamas." I tell her.

"You need a makeover," she tells me, and with surprising strength, drags me to a fancy green car. "We're going to my house." she tells the driver, and we're off.

On the ride there, I learn way more about Candie then I actually want to know. She is fifteen and a half (she seems about five), likes to ride horses, and actually enjoys temple services (She's a devout Seven Angels believer.) Her parents are wealthy House Diamond counts who made their fortune playing the stock market. She finds school very difficult, loves helping animals, and thinks homosexuals are going to hell. I honestly don't know what to say. Also, she is the president of a "VERY VERY IMPORTANT" club that sells baked goods to help various charities, and I am the newest member.

"What?" I never signed up for this.

"Your mom thought it would be a good idea. It's called the Je M'appelle club. It's French." she explains. Candie pronounces it "juh maple." From my brief stint of French, I know "je m'appelle" means "I am," so all in all, it's a pretty dumb name for a club. But Candie seems to think it's very cool.

"We have uniform days on Wednesdays-that's those clothes I sent to you-and every week we donate to a different animal rights charity. Isn't it nice? You wear your uniform to school, and everyone knows how committed you are to helping animals."

"I'm not going to your school." I tell her, making a mental note to ask Isolde about all this.

"You will soon," she tells me.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." I say. We pull up in front of a fancy brick townhouse, then go inside. It is ridiculously clean, so clean it looks like a furniture showroom. It is the sort of clean that cannot be accomplished by human hands. But Candie tells me that they have "a lot of servants."

We meet Candie's mother in the model kitchen. She is round-faced pretty and looks a lot like her daughter. You can tell she really wants to talk to me, to see if I am the right kind of friend for her daughter. To prevent from getting kicked out of the house, I say as little as possible. I do not think she would take kindly to having a mental patient in her scarily tidy home.

She offers us some brownies, which admittedly look delicious. But Candie says they're "nasty" and that she's on a diet, and leave us alone, Mama. When she's not looking, I snitch some. They taste like heaven.

Candie's room is perfect and pink and screams "Candie." from the motivational posters on the wall to the abundance of stuffed animals. She insists that I try on some of her clothes, which although quite fashionable, do not fit me at all. This amuses her greatly, and I'm praying to God she gets bored of this soon when my prayers are answered and she tells me she is going to introduce me to her "boyfriend." I am picturing someone bespectacled, dressed like a choir boy, acne-faced. So when she leads me downstairs to a stunning guy with white-blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a killer jawline, I'm more than a little stunned.

"This is Adrian." Candie tells me happily. "Adrian, meet Ocie."

"Hello, Oceania." he says. His voice is silk and honey, soft and mesmerizing. If I were the sort of girl to obsessively drool over guys, I'd be falling in love right now. But I am a girl on a mission, and so such distractions only have so much effect on me. Besides, I already am in love with someone. And it's not Adrian.

His relative normalcy compared to Candie's bubbly outpourings leaves me a little tongue-tied, however, so I can only stammer out a quick "nice to meet you." He takes it well enough, though-he seems nice. I wonder what he sees in Candie.

Candie's mom bursts in to tell us that my mom is here. "Stepmom," I correct her. Candie and Adrian say their goodbyes. For some inexplicable reason, they seem to like me. As I leave, I can see him plant a beautiful kiss on her lips, so utterly full of passion it leaves me amazed and full of the same longing that I felt when I saw my brother with Vi.

I wanted that. More than anything. And I could have had it, too. But life, as my friend Sheila used to say, has a funny habit of fucking you in the ass when you least expect it.

••

In the car Isolde gives me a long lecture. Apparently, what I did was very irresponsible, running off like that, I could have been killed, etc, and I was only saved by the good graces of Candie's mom, who called her to tell her where I was. The fact that Llenwi and Vi went off without me to do whatever is irrelevant.

"Why do you care?" I demand. "I'm making friends-since when was that a federal crime?"

"Since the Duchess of the Rublex returned with news of a galaxy held hostage by terrorists." Isolde snaps.

"Wait, what?!"

"Oh, watch the news once in a while, Oceania, you'll be amazed at what you'll find. The point is, it is no longer safe for you to roam around, especially now that you are on Earth."

"So Llenwi can go wherever the fuck-"

"You will watch your language in my presence." Isolde warns, one long red fingernail raised.

"Or what? You're not even my real mom-don't tell me what I can or can't do."

"You're right. I am not your mother." Isolde snaps. "I am not your father. I am not your friend or one of those idiot teachers who worshipped the ground you walked on at your fancy school. I am, however, the woman who paid for your schooling and dance lessons and God knows what else, who payed that lawyer so you wouldn't have to be branded a juvenile delinquent. So when I say jump, you say how high, get it?"

When Isolde is mad, you can hear a hint of Centauriian street under her crisp diplomat's voice. That is enough, I know, to get me to shut up.

••

At dinner everyone is talking about the Rublex takeover. It turns out some no-name Duchess saw the whole thing, and her bodyguard too, and they survived some sort of massacre and an assassination attempt besides. It is all very dramatic, and everyone has an opinion. The agents, who were so quiet last night, are in an uproar, and Isolde, too, has to get her voice heard. I sip my watery soup and pretend to be elsewhere.

After dinner, I make a big show of going to bed, turning off my lights and everything. Then, silent as sin, I slip upstairs to the fifth floor. Call it snooping, but something is going on in that room. I am on the last stair when I hear voices. I freeze, afraid I've been seen, but no matter, it's just the leader guy and the scary woman talking about something.

"The duchess is a real character." the man laughs. "Her kids are a little off, too. This should definitely be interesting."

"Who? Seonid?"

"No, Isolde Greanleefe." The man laughs again, harsher. "Can you believe it? I've devoted my life to this, and here I am, guarding a dead body."

I lean in, curious.

"Shh, Ramon, not so loud! What if they hear?"

"And what would be the matter with that? I don't know why it would possibly be such a secret-the very fact that they ruled it a suicide is an insult to the intelligence of anyone who's actually seen the evidence...It's mind-boggling."

"I know, but we can't say anything. Complete confidentiality."

"I don't see why not. What was her name? Annifrid Lar-something."

"With what's happened in the Rublex...you know what her parents did. This confirms what we've thought...it may have been premeditated, but we can't talk about it. You know that as well as I."

"Ah, but see, now you're talking about it." he says. She protests, but it is too soft for me to hear, and by then I am already creeping downstairs like a thief, my head full of what I just heard.

Annifrid Larsson was murdered. There was no suicide, which is heartening in a way, to know that I did know her enough that she would not do such a thing without calling me. But why would anyone murder Anni? Beautiful, brilliant Anni, whose laugh was sunshine and summer, who could kill you with a smile.

And her body is here...in this very house. I shiver. There is nothing to it. This changes nothing. I have someone to blame now, a concrete villain who I can point my finger at, a killer. and when I catch him...

May God have mercy on his soul.

#ogak

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