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wily-one24 · 6 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @rowark (If "anyone who wants to" counts as tagging, and I am going to, so there. If that makes you angry, perhaps you need a nap?).

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 56.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 1,248,713.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The main ones I have written for include Profiler, Buffy, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Once Upon A Time.

And most recently Law and Order: SVU.

I have delved into other fandoms such as The Inside, Rizzoi and Isles, Supergirl, and Heroes.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Memory Cloud - 1,413

Paint It Black - 1,320

The Blue Moon - 811 (it's the smut, isn't it? I know it, you pervs).

The Waning Moon - 783

Elmo's ABCs - 744

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to. I respond to as many as possible. Especially if the fic is fresh. But I have responded to comments on fics that are months/years old. I do miss some comments, sometimes I'm busy and my brain says "I'll get to that later", but then my brain is... not perfect... and it forgets.

However, I love responding to comments. I have made friends in the comments. I have the best discussions in my comments.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh, geez. Like, you're asking me, the Queen of Angst? There were LJ icons with "Jacqui + Angst = OTP". Maybe if I go by fandoms? Firefly's angstiest ending was "DIdn't Mean Nothin'", but also "Pieces" had a super angsty epilogue.

Veronica Mars' angstiest ending? I mean, they were mostly angst middles, weren't they? Super dark middles with hopeful endings. Veronica did bring out the optimist in me. She was so young, she deserves her life to improve after all the shit canon put her through. I guess if I had ever finished "Bitter Revenge" it would have been a tad angsty? But there would have been hope, becauses he would have had the baby!

Swan Queen, whoo. Um, OH YEAH, "You and Me (We Wanted It All)". HA, that was angst a'plenty. Even PIB and Memory Cloud had hopeful (if not happy) endings. But that one was... just some light angst for angst sake.

I mean I only have three fics with SVU, (two of which form part of a series), and only one of which is finished. BUT, I can with confidence say that "Wicked Game" ends pretty fucking bleakly and angstily.

(okay, so I went back to my VM fic masterlist on LJ, and whew, okay, so there's a whole bunch of "exploration" fics that don't necessarily change canon, just delve into it like "Neptune CA Mother's Club" deals with the shit poor mothers in Neptune, "Courting Disaster" devles into Logan's abuse, "The Tender Bruise" and "Bruises In the Mirror" were both angst fests that didn't end happily per se. Also, "The Ghost and Mrs Mars" was... not hopeful at all. Man, I *forgot* a LOT of them).

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

🤣🤣🤣

Ok, let me think. I'm assuming we're not talking smut fics? LIke, happy endings? 'Cause I have a bunch of PWPs which could be considered 'happy'. But... let's say what a reasonable person might be called happy...

I think "Sleep Perchance" was pretty optimistic and its sequel "... To Dream" was set to end in a much more positive place than it began. "Whisky Bears" was just a fun fic, drunken fun on a spaceship. What more do you want? And "Boobs" was just silly.

"The Best Deceptions"!! That was such a good fluffy sweet fic. It's a WIP, so no ending, but still. OMG, I forgot this one. It's my only real non-angst fluff fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I used the laughing so hard I cried emoji too early, didn't I?

I mean, I would say usually not. I have spent decades in fandom and Once Upon A Time was the only fandom I got hate in.

A small amount for "The Blue Moon", because apparently there was a second 'Emma as a stripper' fic and I was accused of plagiarising, but this was later rescinded because the fics were totally different.

And also when someone decided to get really spiteful and tell me they lost all respect for me because I dared to find Emma sexy instead of fetishisizing Regina for all eternity.

OBVIOUSLY, the most intense hatred I got was for Paint It Black. The vilest, most bitter things were thrown at me. In the comments, in private messages. I got death threats. I had rape wished on me. I was told my kids should be taken away. I was accused of trying to lure in lesbians only to give them 'straight cock filled depravity".

Because there was a man in one sex scene. Meanwhile, it was never listed as a purely lesbian fic, and the two ladies have canonically HAD male romantic and sexual partners in the past. So... not sure what the huge vitriol was about.

I sure did learn to TAG PROPERLY after that, though. My god.

Get a grip, fandom, get a grip.

No other fandom has been that unhealthy. At least, not for me.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, I do. I have written both F/M and F/F. I have also written F/M/F, M/F/M, and F/F/F.

There's usually at least ONE woman involved. I have not, nor am I interested in writing M/M fics (boy parts iz icky).

Most readers find the scenes pretty hot. I tend to be descriptive and emotional when writing smut. Unless it's a PWP, there's usually a whole bunch of motivation and emotion involved. Even when it's a PWP there's usually a whole lot of characterisation in there.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I tend not to?

That said, I have written one.

It was a Heroes/Veronica Mars crossover, in which Sylar mistakes Veronica for his recently murdered (by his own hand, natch) girlfriend Elle and perhaps loses his very unstable mind over it a little. Leading to a slight case of kidnapping, Keith and Noah coupling up Buddy Cop style for some cross country chasing, super powered hijinx, and UBER ANGST. The tag line reads "What Happens when a Serial Killer and a Serial Victim Meet".

To be honest, it was kind of amazing and I loved it. It was working up to be Super Dubcon, but hadn't quite gotten there yet. I am sad that this remains a WIP. I would have loved to have finished this.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had some fics put on GoodReads, but they took them down when I asked them to.

I did have one of my fic scenes pretty much plagiarised in Firefly. What makes it worse is that they used it for a couple I hate. I let it go, though. That fic never quite got the same steam mine did. There was no point giving it attention.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of. I think it has been asked before, but I am a little wary of that sort of thing. I lose control of it if other people change it.

That said, I have had comments on my fics in a completely different language and I used Google Translate to both understand and reply. I will make the effort.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

I am jaded. I am very particular about my fics and, as said above, I do not like to lose control over them (what, control issues? Who? Me?)

I am also heavily jaded for things like fic swaps. It's my own fault, I realise this, because I would put so much effort and write thousands upon thousands of words of fic and get a 500 word piece back and it really put me off. Again, I know it's my fault, I chose to put that much effort in, but still.

Wait...I am having vague recollections of something like a fic round-robin? I could not tell you what fandom (I assume Firefly, but not sure), and certainly could never link back to it or even know how to google for it. I guess that counts? BUt I doubt it, because I can't even tell you what the fic was about or what my contribution to it was. So... no.

Hmmm, I was also involved in a Season Rewrite for Profiler back int he day, but all those fics are lost to the internet heyday and you'll never find them. Huh, I htink my episode was called "Lady In Red". (omg, THE MEMORIES).

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Geez. Asking the hard questions. I don't know. All my ships hold a place in my heart, that's why I write them. So, the answer is... I guess... if you've seen me write for that couple, then THAT couple is my favourite in that moment.

(I like, I have had a few fic requests that I've filled that haven't really been my cup of tea, Veronica/Lamb for instance, or Jayne/River, or Simon/River. I don't like them, but I have written them).

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

All of them. ALL OF THEM. I mean, "Adam's Rib" had so many stories to tell and I could have gotten lost in "The Best Deceptions" world. Omg, that was such a happy, schmoopy fic. Let me go back up to happy fics for a sec...

"... To Dream", "Bitter Revenge", and "Girl int he Mirror" will be my sadness from VM.

and ALL my SQ WIPs. "The New Moon", "A Swan Is A Beautiful Creature", "The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares)", "Subject 3662", "Blooding the Water". *sob*. I'm sorry!!!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Angst.

Detail.

Lots of people comment on my phrasing and pacing. The way I string words together and have breaks and just bring forth the imagery. It's never just "and then this happened and then this happened and he put his hand here and she put her mouth there".

No matter where I am planning to go with a fic, i always start from a canon point and keep that canon history. I try to keep characerisations believable. They may get into plots and situations that they would never in canon, but I like to hope I keep their reactions believable and true.

I like to delve into the emotion of it. You know the tumblr meme "Put that guy into situations". THAT'S what I do. And then I examine the ever living fuck out of it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I don't have a beta reader.

Which is troublesome, because my hands don't work properly anymore. At least, not as well as they used to. I have what's called dupuytren's contracture. It's a thickening fibrous band around the tendons of the hand. My hands aren't restricted, so much at the moment, but it does slow down my pinkie fingers. Which means when I touch type, there are so many mistakes. And I can't NOT touch type.

These come out mainly in things like double capitals (ever wonder why so many times in SVU fics I have the name "LIv" and not "Liv", it's because that capital 'i' is harder to spot. If I type "THe" I see it and fix it. But my eye seems to skip over the "LIv" and "HIs" words.

It also comes out in the spaces in the wrong place. I will type t he instead of 'the', or 'ith appened' instead of 'it happened'.

I spend A LOT OF TIME, going back and editing sentences I have just written. The amount of times I have had to go back and delete/edit words just in this post alone is staggering. It makes things take twice as long.

I have had to work really hard to get back into writing. I stopped for a great deal of time, many years, because I was so bothered by this.

Add to that, the kidney failure gives me brain fog, so I have to spend a lot of time trying to remember the specific words I want to use. For someone who uses words INSTRINSICALLY, knowing there is a specific word I want and not being able to access it in my memory? FUCKING FRUSTRATING, I Can tell you.

Another great weakness is starting a dozen fics at once and being unable to keep up and then being overwhelmed and losing momentum.

This is how I have so many WIPs.

I keep that in mind now, which is why I am limiting myself to two ongoing SVU fics and THAT IS IT. No more until they're finished.

THough I have actually been writing SO MUCH lately. At least once chapter a week. So this is good. Makes me happy.

I get the feeling that I tend to homogenise my characterisations a little. But this doesn't seem to be a complaint of any commenters, so I try not to let my imagination run wild with me.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have done it.

Firefly fic, by necessity, uses a lot of Chinese. I used to know the html to do the hover type and would have Chinese dialogue with hover type translations. It was fun, because as is the Firefly traditions, you could have the filthiest things in Chinese and the censors wouldn't pick it up. (My favourite thing I wrote translated to... something like "Your mother sucks rotten beef sticks in hell" if I am remembering correctly).

Alas, I have forgotten the html for that. I am sure it's just a google away, but... I don't really need translations for English fics.

I also did a bunch of research for Trigidasleng. I never really wrote The 100 fics, though I did write some drabbles. I probably did more research that necessary for the mount of fic I actually wrote.

But, yeah, I think if the source material calls for it, you should definitely put the effort in.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Who wants a laugh? When I was in primary school, 3rd grade I think, we wrote books. We got to type them on a computer, the teacher printed them out, then bound them and we drew the pictures and coloured them in.

I still have mine.

It's called "Bugs Bunny, Brooke, and the Giant Banana", which was a combination of Bugs Bunny (natch), mary sue insert of my friend Brooke, and James and the GIant Peach.

BUAH HAH HAH.

But truly? My first fandom was Profiler. This is the show that got me ONTO the net, introduced me to fandoms and message boards and fics. If it weren't for those people, I wouldn't be here now.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Don't ask me to choose a favourite child!

Are you kidding me?

I cannot. I can't even do it per fandom. I love them all, which is why I wrote them.

How could you be so cruel?

Tagging: YOU, if you want to.

#fic meme #jacqui writes fic #interesting thoughts #introspections on jacqui's mind

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meimae · 3 years

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Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says.

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal!

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not?

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to.

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry.

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success.

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion.

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles.

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation.

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know.

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys.

See you on my next post!

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #graphs #language immersion #japanese #visual novels #manga #novels #anime #dramas #movies #youtube #podcasts

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trashogram · 4 years

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Ryuk/Reader 4

This is far more introspective than I intended it to be. I’m sorry you’re reading this and this one is the least fun. Or the most OOC.

Edit: Forgot to tag @doughdaddy84 as per request! I’m sorry!!

_____

You were a nice enough person.

Ryuk didn’t really care that much about you being nice or not, however. His last charge hadn’t been the most polite or considerate human, even though he’d been in the presence of a literal god.

Ryuk had taken offense to some of the things that Light had said to him in the past, but nothing the egotistical boy had done had ever angered the god. Light had been fascinating, but he wasn’t worth getting upset over. Ryuk’s pruney skin was thicker than that, and the shinigami kept on haunting the kid for about 7 years, give or take.

If anything, after watching you for a couple days, Ryuk had gotten close to reconsidering letting you keep the notebook. Which was a first for him - shinigami weren’t really supposed to directly influence users of the death note. You were just so mousy from a glance, and he’d acknowledged that breaking any more rules wasn’t going to matter when he had to return home. Ryuk was going to be punished either way.

Of that, he was very certain.

But there was just one little hitch that kept him contemplative, if one could call it that. When he’d ripped the death note from Calikarcha and tossed it to the human world, Ryuk had dove after it with unexpected urgency. He’d watched it land on the Earth and be claimed by it, before anyone had seen its appearance.

It had taken a while for the book to be found, but oddly it was a passing waif that hesitated before picking it up.

Ryuk had taken one look at you and your lifespan, and reached the conclusion that you were suicidal. You looked fragile and exhausted, your eyes distant and clouded even though you were visibly young. The sun had already set and any light left had been waning as you walked alone toward downtown, despite not having any way to defend yourself. You were also due to die in a few days.

That was before you’d laid hands on the death note. Before Ryuk saw something that he’d never seen in his lifetime, something that made him do a double-take before writing you off completely.

Your lifespan had increased as soon as you decided to take his notebook.

—

A year alone was nothing for a nigh-immortal being. In the shinigami realm, nothing ever changed, therefore the measure of time was considered obsolete insofar as their own lives.

Ryuk felt uneasy, thinking over the fact that he hadn’t even been following you for a year, and yet he’d been remembering times and dates like they were significant. If they meant something to you, then suddenly they were worth recollection.

You were still fragile and cute, like the day he’d found you. Yet, there were little improvements here and there that he could see. Your skin was healthier, the circles beneath your eyes were fading, and you were sound asleep at that very moment. Ryuk had made the observation within the first two months of possessing you that you were a troubled sleeper. You’d often thrashed in your bed, to the point where it was annoying for a long time.

The problem was only a memory, now.

As was the issue of your sickness, and your fear. You’d gained back the weight you lost in the beginning, and the color in your cheeks. You were objectively older than before, after several federal holidays and a birthday -- but you looked younger.

The blank walls of your bedroom were cluttered with colorful posters and a collage of drawings were tacked onto the dartboard, the same one that you had told him was useless once. He was no artist, but he’d contributed his part with a few optical illusions that you gushed over until he felt lighter than air.

Little pots of easy-upkeep plants sat on your window sill, both still alive even after three weeks in your midst. Below that, the built-in heater that you’d begged your landlord to fix was making itself useful, as was appropriate. The shelves were dusted on a weekly basis, and you’d reorganized your bookshelf the day before yesterday. Ryuk had helped of course, scanning the covers and making you point out how childish it was that he based his interest on the pictures and not what was inside with a laugh.

Then you’d shouted at him for tossing them over his shoulder recklessly, just to piss you off. None of your swats did a thing to him, but he loved that you even tried.

Your meekness extended mainly to other humans. People disregarded you easily, and Ryuk considered it a crime. He could repeat some of your most memorable phrases in his head, and laughed until he was hoarse. You said some stupid shit, yet you were thoughtful, worrying for others when they didn’t earn it. Soft as your skin, but you were sharp in your way. Brilliant in a way he had never thought of before.

He allowed himself to feel proud of you for those things.

You were a tease. Infuriating while you played innocent, but gave him a knowing look that only made the flurry of sensations in his lower stomach worse. He’d hidden the worst of it from you, but your hands started skimming below the neck. You made something like blood pump through his ancient veins, from his head to his toes. It was enough of a problem that he had moments on the roof out of sheer desperation, imagining you inviting him into your bed.

Recently, he’d gotten it into his head that maybe you felt the same way. It would’ve been funny were it not frustrating.

There were also things you didn’t tell him, and it irked Ryuk more than he’d like to admit. He couldn’t pinpoint when that particular part of you became less interesting and more concerning. You were closed-lipped about certain skin abrasions, certain moments in your life that he’d not been there for, and any mention of your family would oft put you into a trance. He hated those moments, wishing he could simply open up your skull and pick the information right out of your brain

At least your lifespan wasn’t changing.

Ryuk had floated down to the floor, hunched over your bedside. He could count the days since he’d started doing this, and was only a little self-conscious at this point. The scant trees bearing leaves outside your apartment had changed colors, and the nights were getting longer than the days. Little reminders that it was too late.

Too late for a lot of things.

---

Ryuk gazed at your face, smooth and untroubled. The god of death brushed the hair out of your face, curling it over the side of your head and behind your ear.

He dragged his talons away from your temple when you sighed, opening your eyes slowly and blinking at him. The recognition was second-nature now, and you no longer regarded him fearfully. He was an anchor for you, for though he could disappear from your sight, Ryuk never dared.

The look in your eyes made his stomach drop. You were so… happy. Happy to see him. You lit up with adoration, and a tug-o-war between feeling heated and feeling appreciation forced him fidget.

“Voyeurism is frowned upon in most societies.” You needled. “Probably against the law in most.”

He leaned forward intently. “Hyuk hyuk, what’re you gonna do about it?”

“The penalty is death.” You yawned, bringing his hand over to your chest and letting him touch the bare skin below your collarbone.

Your pulse slowed against his knuckles, and your natural warmth began seeping into his fingers.

Soon, you were drifting off again.

“I’ll kill you in the morning.” You promised.

#ryuk #ryuk/reader #ryuk x reader #death note #there's an itty bit of plot in there #this story is not sequential

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avatoh · 3 years

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MERRY X-MAS NOTALWAYSLATE: Rumbelle Secret Santa

@notalwayslate : Hope I answered the prompt:

A03

She caught his eye as soon as she walked into his shop, his head jerking up as soon as the bell over the door rang.

Her name was Belle French and she was in town visiting her parents who owned the flower shop ‘Game of Thorns’ down the street. He had seen her around town a lot as of late; but he never quite had gotten the chance to talk to her since she’d been back, which was odd since they always had conversations that lasted for hours within a day or two of her arriving back into town. Her presence had been a yearly occurrence for nearly a decade, for as long as her parents, the older couple had lived in Storybrooke. Sometimes Belle was in town for as long as three months, sometimes she just stayed a week or two but she was always around during Christmas.

He had first stumbled upon her when he was collecting rent at the flower shop about 8 years ago. She had been covering the counter while her parents were away and he still remembered the day as if it were yesterday. She had been trimming the stems off of a bushel of roses and making a huge bouquet, very intent in her work. He had been absolutely stunning. There was a ray of light shining into the shop, hitting her just right, highlighting her chestnut curls and eyelashes as she intently focused on her work. The moment had been all too surreal, like it was out of a dream or movie of some sort. He hesitated to walk closer, afraid of running the moment. He felt something stir inside him for the first time in a long time that day that would be the bud of almost a decade of on again, off again, pinning and emotional suffering; of the anguish of never quite finding the right words to tell her how he really felt.

They made a bit of a connection that first day as he and she exchanged a handful of words. She didn’t fear him and made him exercise his mind and trip over his words as they spoke. She caught him off guard and twisted his tongue and made him feel like she had the upper hand on him when it was usually him who had the upper hand on everybody else. One thing for sure was that she was a most peculiar woman.

Belle never stayed quite long enough for him to scare her off or to succumb to town gossip. “It’s nice to see you again Mr. Gold!” is always what she would say without fail when she came back into town. Being around her made him feel shy and she almost always caught him off guard, which was a super strange thing for him since usually he considered himself quite the guarded person. There was just something about her that made him stumble and feel quite like a fool.

There had been a number of attempts on his part to appear collected and resolute when talking to her, but always she said or spoke of things that made him take a long pause to think about his next words and even on a few occasions, she made him stutter, which was very unbecoming of him. Belle had a way with her words and a unique way of thinking that he admired. But he would be remiss to not notice that there was always some weird sort of tension and awkwardness between them whenever they spoke or interacted. He could have sworn that she liked trying to get the upper hand on him and for some reason, it didn’t annoy him in the slightest, simply because it was her.

“Miss French. To what do I owe the pleasure?” he said as she walked further into his shop.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to accompany me to the town hall Christmas ball on Sunday?”

“Excuse me?” She'd been back in town about a week, hadn’t spoken to him, hadn’t even waved to him or seen him in the street and now she was here in his show inviting him to a dance when they hadn’t acknowledged each other in 7 months. Was he hearing her correctly? “You’re inviting me to the Christmas dance? You know I never go.”

“Maybe you can go this year. With me,” she added.

“Why?” he asked her cautiously.

“Why not?”

Once again she really had caught him off guard in the most unexpected way. “Very well,” he said without giving the proposal much of a second thought.

“Really!”

“Sure.”

Belle quickly reached out her hand to shake his. “Alright. You can’t go back on your word now, we shook on it. Pick me up at 6 on Sunday.” She turned to leave. “Good to see you again, by the way.”

“You as well, Miss French.” He gave her a bit of a nod and found himself cracking a bit of a smile as she left, immediately feeling panic set in. He was going to be going to a dance with Belle. Why had she chosen him over all the men in Storybrooke, surely there were men more suited to her tastes that she probably had more in common with than him? He never went to the town gatherings, much less dances. What if this was an elaborate joke at his expense? She wouldn’t do that, he told himself, but this was still an odd thing to ask of him. He usually hated these sorts of things.

It was a Tuesday. He still had some time to think about her offer, still some time to back out to spend the evening alone. He didn’t hate Christmas and dances per-say, but a lot of people made a bigger deal about it than they should. Christmas was a fine holiday but all the Christmas movies, songs, the red and green, the oversaturation of it all seemed like a bit too much most of the time. It was a good time for his Pawnshop and Antiques business, he supposed.

This wasn’t a date: he had told himself this Tuesday night, a few hours after her invitation. This wasn’t a date, how could it be? They were just two acquaintances that saw each other every now and then who had nice conversations that he really looked forward to. They were friends of sorts, if he could even call it that. A date would mean that they had feelings for each other. He had admitted to himself years back that he did indeed have feelings for her, but she never gave so much of an indication that she did as well for him.

If he was going to be honest with himself, he didn’t give her really any indication that he liked her as well. She wasn’t even around all year round, she clearly had something to go back to. He remembered years back that once she brought up the fact she had a boyfriend, he wasn't sure if she still had one, but she could. He tried his best to not think of her like that following that occasion. Despite this, he always just seemed a wreck whenever she came into town, he would be fine then his world would completely change in an instant as soon as he laid eyes on her again.

Every instance of them meeting for the first time in awhile was like how he felt the first time he had seen her. There was just something about her presence that just resonated with him and made him want to get to know here better. Getting to know her was a whole other story though. He was constantly choked up around her. And when he did open his mouth, every word and topic just seemed increasingly awkward and unlike him. He remembered their infamous chance meeting at Grannies Dinner 4 years back when he ranted about ketchup for a solid three minutes like the fool in love that he was. He was his own biggest annoyance and knew on Sunday he was going to be the most awkward man alive on the planet. Not that it mattered anyway.

The days ticked on and eventually Friday fell; he still hadn’t seen Belle since the incident, but he did keep an eye out for her when he was around town but he never happened to see her. Friday was the day he was due to collect rent at her parent’s Flower shop, he kept on thinking about what he would say if he saw her there. Something along the lines of, “See you on Sunday,” to confirm that they were indeed still on for Sunday but he had to say it in a way that wouldn’t look too over-eager, but still acknowledged that he was aware that they had a planned outing together.

Game of Thorns was next place to collect on his list and he was dreading and looking forward to the possibility of seeing Belle. She usually was around when he was there to collect rent and this is when they usually chatted. A coincidence, it probably was, but he couldn’t say for sure.

He walked into the small shop and was met with Colette French at the counter. He frowned with disappointment, now this was odd. “Oh, Hello, Mr. Gold.”

“Hello, Mrs. French. I’ve come for the rent.”

“As usual,” Colette said, handing over a wad of cash in a folder that he slipped into his breast pocket.

“Thank you,” Gold said, about to leave.

“Mr. Gold,” Colette prompted, making him falter.

“Yes? What is it?”

“My daughter,” she said. “You are going to take her to the dance on Sunday, is that true? She’s very excited and won’t stop talking about it. Told me to say “hi” for her and that she’s sorry you two couldn’t have a chat today but she’s off with one of those friends of hers shopping for a dress.”

“Ah.” Gold paused, not expecting that.

“It’s just all so strange,” Colette said.

“What do you mean?” He had to keep his defenses up and at least address that last jab from Collette.

“Oh, heavens, I mean nothing by the word ‘strange’, just poor choice of words; it’s just that she hardly talks about wanting to go out with single men nowadays and all the years I’ve lived here I’ve never once seen you go out with anyone…”

“You’ve never seen me go out with someone? Oh, I see That’s actually none of your concern.”

There was an awkwardness in the air, Colette opened her mouth to respond but he just left. So, Belle was telling her parents, or at least her mother that she was going to the dance with him, and that she was excited by it, no less. This was thrilling news, to be sure. He had felt a bit rude about how he responded to Collette French’s comment. That was what usually happened when people made comments about it being strange that people would want to spend time with him, ect. His words are what he used to defend and protect himself but they often hurt him more than they helped him. Being far too quick and curt with no sort of response back is probably how he had managed to shun and separate himself from most of Storybrooke society. Perhaps he’d apologize next time he saw the elder Mrs, French or just slip back some of the rent money. How he spoke to her was exactly why he was hated. It was probably a good thing he couldn't speak with his usually ferocity around Belle.

The day of the ball, Gold could hardly work, usually he spent Sundays crunching numbers for his various enterprises, but he could hardly focus as the time ticked on. Ultimately, he had to call it a day a lot earlier than usual on account if not getting anything done. It would be better to focus on getting ready for the ball anyway. In the days prior, he had gotten his suit cleaned and a small trim at the barbers, all he had to do was decide between the two ties he was thinking of then pick out a complimentary pocket square to complete the look.

He was ready and dressed quite early and was just sitting there in his suit hours before he needed to be.The thought of drinking crossed his mind, but he forwent that idea. The minutes ticked by and soon it was only a half hour until he was due to pickup Belle. He could hardly wait any longer and decided that he would head over early. Hopefully he wouldn’t be such a nervous wreck once he saw her. He had practically been panicking for hours and it was quite unbecoming of him; she shouldn’t see him like that.

Gold arrived at “Game of Thorns’ and the house that was attached to it to find the building quite empty. No lights, no sign of movement. Gold had gone around back to the house and fear crept in his mind once again. What if Colette French were to open the door and was mad at him for the way he spoke to her? He’d have to apologize and then explain to Belle how he had been awful to her mother and l undeserving of her, it's what he should do regardless if the woman opened the door or not. What if Maurice French opened the door and didn’t expect to see him there or know that he was taking his daughter to the ball? The man would probably never forgive him for that. He crossed his fingers as he knocked on the door, hopping not to have to deal with more awkwardness than Belle.

“Just a minute!” he heard Belle’s voice call out to his relief. Her reply was accompanied by a few loud thuds and a sound of clattering. Belle opened the door a few moments later and she looked gorgeous. “Come on in, I’m just finishing my makeup.”

He hesitated at the threshold. “If you don’t mind, I think I rather-”

“Nonsense!” Belle pulled him in. “Nobody else is home anyway, if that’s what you’re worried about. Please sit, it’s far too cold outside and I’ll only be a moment longer.” She disappeared into the next room over. Gold looked around. He had been in this house and room a few times while collecting rent, but he mostly did his collecting in the attached flower shop. It had changed since he had last seen it. He didn’t know whether to keep his eyes transfixed on an object in front of him or to allow himself to look around. He stayed mainly focused at the wall in front of him but started to look around as the minutes ticked on.

Belle had shocked him so much when he met her at the door. She had dressed up considerably, he couldn’t really remember seeing her pull out all the belles and whistles like this, even at the previous dances that he had only seen in passing. She was stunning regularly but now she had on jewelry, a nice rose scented perfume, and the most gorgeous satin green dress that most certainly made him feel things. Once again, she had left him speechless and in awe of her.

Belle had been a little longer than five minutes when she finally came out again. This time she had a shawl on and had finished her makeup. Her lips were candy apple red but looked more delectable than the sweet treat itself. “Sorry, I took a little longer than I expected,” she said a little sheepishly.

Gold was up on his feet in a fraction of a second. “No worries.” He should tell her how beautiful she looks, he thought. “You look stunning,” he said quickly before realizing that the words had left his mouth.

“Oh, thank you. You look quite dashing yourself. It looks like we match too.”

He looked down at his tie and pocket square which complimented her dress and bright red lips and was glad that he had chosen this ensemble. “It appears so.”

Belle let out a little laugh. “It’s good to chat with you again Mr. Gold. How about we finish catching up in the car?”

The ride to the ball couldn’t have felt shorter.

It was a good 15 minutes to the town hall with the roads he took but the two of them were still comfortably chatting in the car 15 minutes after they had parked. Most of the awkwardness had melted away and the two of them had gotten to talk with one another, uninterrupted, awkwardly, longer than they had ever before. It was nice and the conversation flowed smoothly.

“Is there a reason that you decided to go to the ball with me, Belle?” he asked her. It had been the question on his mind, after all.

“Well, I wanted some arm candy to keep me company,” she teased. A false answer.

That was immediately when he became a mess again, stumbling over his words until he finally said they should probably get going and get to the dance. His confidence continued to falter as he felt that all eyes were on them. “Gold and her!? That poor girl,” he heard somebody say. Perhaps it was even what he deserved to hear, but it was something he wouldn’t stand for. He snapped back his head in the direction of the voice but couldn’t tell who it came from as everyone in the vicinity shrunk back in recoil. He was about to open up his mouth and shout at them when he felt Belle’s hand rest on his elbow, pulling him back.

“Don’t mind them. Please, let’s continue on.”

He felt his anger melt right out of his body. “Ok,” he said plainly. He was then introduced to some of Belle’s friends, women around her age and perhaps around his age who he had seen around town but hadn’t really talked to before due to not having any business dealings with him. They were polite, welcoming, and nice to both of them. They stood gathered in a group with them for about an hour before people began to break off and dance or mingle elsewhere. His leg being the way it was made him a clumsy dancer and he had spent the previous week hoping that she wouldn’t actually ask him to dance at the dance but knew the question would probably be unavoidable.

After the conversation with the group had filtered out and only a few of the uncoupled people they were talking to remained, he suggested out loud that Belle take one of them out on the dancefloor so he wouldn’t have to. Despite wanting to stay in her company, she did deserve to have a bit of fun for herself. “Oh, I was hoping to dance with you if that’s something you’re interested in?”

Gold shook his head. “I have two left feet and don’t make a great dance partner,” he said as he tapped his cane on the ground for emphasis.

“Does it hurt you to dance?”

“No.”

“You just don’t want to?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s just been quite awhile and I can’t quite move certain ways or as fast as my partner.”

“Oh,” Belle said. “I don’t mind that at all. Would you be willing to try a slower song?”

“I’ll think about it, if the opportunity arises.” Not but one song later, the tempo of the new song signaled her to ask again, He reluctantly agreed to dance with her. She made him give in so easily. They danced to two songs before they retired to an alcove alone.

“That was fun.”

“It was,” Gold agreed. “But I need a bit of a break now.”

“That’s understandable, I’m a bit tired myself.”

They sat looking out at the crowd.

“Thank you,” Gold said.

“What for.”

“I- thank you for your company. I don’t really go to these sorts of things but I had fun tonight.”

“I did too, but the night’s not over.”

“True. But every time I see you, time feels too short. You always leave just when-”

“Just when what?”

“Just when I think you’re going to stay and grow used to your company.”

“I’m leaving the first week of the New Year. There’s still some time left.”

“But I want to get to know you better, have for years,” Gold said. “I-” he paused, fighting through the next few words. “Even though you are only going to be here a bit longer, would you consider going out with me again?”

“On a date?” Belle asked.

“Yes. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take you out on a date.”

“I’d like that very much Mr. Gold. I never thought you’d ask; that’s why i thought I’d be the one to ask you first, here.”

Gold flushed. “Is this a…”

“Well it didn’t have to be.” Belle was equally as red. “But I liked to think it was, and is, if you don’t mind. Each year I hoped you would ask me, but you never did, so it had to be me to ask you now. I- There’s something about you. From the moment I saw you I just couldn’t get over you and I'd like to get to know you better as well. I want to learn more about you and grow used to you if you’ll permit it.”

“I-”

“Merry Christmas,” Belle said, bringing her face closer towards his for a kiss.

#RumbelleSecretSanta #notalwayslate #rumbelle #rumbelle fic #rumbelle secret santa #my fic

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prosopopeya · 3 years

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New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go? food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s.

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

#happy new year #annual meme

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jackdawyt · 4 years

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youtube

Since my last news update in March, today I’m dissecting everything that has come out of the woodwork in April and May regarding Dragon Age 4. So, get some tea and let’s get this show on the road, because we’ve got over 4,000 words of news to delve into!

Reveal? (game shows/new hire/remaster):

Following the cancellation of E3, EA Play 2020 Live has been officially confirmed as a digital show, taking place on June 11th, at 4:00 pm PST / 7:00 pm EST.

Before the outbreak cancelled E3 2020, we knew Mike Gamble, the Project Lead on the next Mass Effect game had plans to make a physical appearance at E3/EA Play. So, the question remains, will BioWare still have a presence at EA Play this year?

Mike Gamble is one of the key members of the Mass Effect team, I highly doubt he’s talking about revealing the next Mass Effect game which is currently in very early stages of development, and won’t release until after Dragon Age 4. Perhaps, Mike back in 2019 was hinting at revealing the heavily rumoured Mass Effect Remaster this EA Play?

Earlier in May, EA had a quarterly conference call and it revealed some fascinating information regarding future unannounced titles. Currently, EA have “one more EA HD title, Four EA Partner titles and two mobiles games still unannounced”. Also, EA said "multiple titles" are set to launch on Nintendo Switch this year.

The EA HD title refers to a remaster of an EA game, hence why most people are speculating at the Mass Effect Trilogy. Venturebeat went on to officially state that this title was indeed the Mass Effect Trilogy.

So, there’s one rumoured possibility for the Mass Effect Trilogy Remaster to be revealed this EA Play, which is cool! BioWare may have a presence this year after all! But I know you all didn’t come for Mass Effect; you came for Dragon Age. So, what do we know about that franchise and a potential reveal?

Jo Berry, a Writer at EA retweeted EA Play Live’s announcement with a party emoji! 👀

This could be absolutely nothing, but at a whim, perhaps a reference to a Dragon Age 4 teaser, or EA Motive’s new I.P since she has worked within both teams....

On top of that, Brianne Battye, Writer at BioWare tweeted about her 8-year journey at BioWare. She’s very grateful for sharing her work, and the awesome people she’s worked with along the way.

Patrick Weekes replied saying they: “Cannot wait for everyone else to see what you've been working on recently. :)”

Then, Brianne said: “Right back at you :)”

Two HUGE witters on the Dragon Age team are excited for everyone else to see what they’ve all been working on recently! 👀 When I saw this tweet, I was trying to stay calm and keep my expectations low, but come on when you see a tweet like this, you just get so excited! The question is, when will we see what they’ve been working on, and is it anytime soon? Please?

Well, there is something else we need to talk about that may relate to a potential tease.

Hilary Heskett, who used to be EA’s Global Product Manager has returned to work at EA and BioWare. Put simply, she’s a Digital Marketer for BioWare.

Hilary; particularly, was heavily involved in Dragon Age: Inquisition’s marketing! In fact, the majority of her work at EA involved representing BioWare as a brand online creating trailers, key art, screenshots, packaging, and advertisements. So, it’s a fair assumption that she’ll be fulfilling the exact same role for future BioWare titles like Dragon Age 4.

With Hilary joining the team at this point in development, could the marketing stages of Dragon Age 4 soon begin, perhaps at EA Play? Or later on in 2020? Or is she going to be marketing the Mass Effect Remaster?

I sound impatient, but, in the past BioWare have a habit of starting the marketing stages of their products at least two years before an initial release.

With that, we’ve got to ask ourselves, is hiring a marketer at this point in time a mere coincidence? or is it preparation for when marketing does start? Are we on the verge of seeing Dragon Age 4 official content soon?

Not to waffle on, because we’ve got a lot to talk about in this video, but I was hired as a Digital Marketer for an app company in the UK. As I understand it, you normally enter projects, mid-to-end of production, because what would a marketer do in the early stages logically? Your role is to be there for the advertising of the product.

So, in BioWare’s case, it's my understanding that Hilary has joined the team with one year full-swing production, is she about to begin the marketing stages of the next Dragon Age game? Is the game ready for that stage? If anything, I think with Hilary’s background, she’s the perfect person to market Dragon Age 4.

On top of EA Play, Geoff Keighley announced Summer Game Fest, a new industry-wide celebration of video games. Showcasing digital news, In-game events, & playable content. EA are headlining the event with EA Play, but there are many other world premieres spread throughout the summer. So, there’s a potential for other trailer reveals later on in the year, not to mention The Game Awards.

And, there’s also this leak that shows Dragon Age 4 on a list of PS5 games from the newest issue of PlayStation magazine UK. PlayStation are having an event on June 4th, so we’ll find out if this leak is true soon enough.

If we’re going to see anything Dragon Age 4 related this year, EA Play is the biggest contender for a reveal. I know the whole world could do with that right now! At this current moment, there is no schedule for the show. However, Saria, myself, Fusselkorn and maybe other content creators will be streaming EA Play, no matter what, so turn those reminders on and come join us in our clown suits.

Development (teases/production):

Moving on to teases and development updates. Currently, BioWare are hiring a ‘Senior Outsource Producer.’

This is a pretty big deal, to those who don’t know what a ‘Senior Outsource Producer’ would do...

“Outsourcing development means to hire out any process of a business to third party. The process helps your company or organization to grow.”

To grant more perspective, during Mass Effect: Andromeda’s development, major aspects of the game's animations were outsourced to other EA studios.

However, this isn’t going to be the same for Dragon Age 4, this role is for one Producer to help the outsourcing team into a robust and comprehensive department that supports BioWare projects in all aspects of development.

I have friend in triple AAA games, and they had something to say about outsourcing regarding Dragon Age 4: “To be honest, I'd say (outsourcing is) different per studio due to scope. But with something big like Dragon Age I'd probably say outsourcing would start early to mid-production as they have a hell of a lot to do. Some studios outsource from the get go though so that's also possible. And It's rare that outsourcing starts in the final leg of development.”

What I understand from the job posting is that BioWare are looking to hire a producer who will be dedicated to outsourcing so they can establish a pipeline and maintain proper standards for outsourcing. This hiring was posted in May, so the studio might be a few months early from when they actually have to outsource. However, this process will be coming up soon in major development.

Moving on. In early April, Mark Darrah went on a twitter rampage sharing many tweets relating to Dragon Age 4. One tweet stated: “Is tweeting more going to make you all speculate more or less?”. Followed by a poll with the answers “more”, “less” & “Dragon Age 4!?”

The following week, Mark Darrah teased his three Wolf-Rook books he has placed on a shelf at home.

Later on, in the month, he decided to stack each of them, prompted with the caption: “Spoiler: these are a terrible building material…”

Just last week, Mark tweeted the Wolf-Rook book once more, with the following meme: “Dear men, what is preventing you from looking like this?”

This cheeky tease encouraged Melissa Janowicz (Gameplay Designer) to join the fun and share her own Wolf-Rook book! She said: “It's an absolutely gorgeous book. I'll treasure it for life.”

Ahhh. The secrets these books could hold about Dragon Age 4’s core concepts.... And Mark Darrah is just staking them together, making book forts out of them, as you do! 😂 Maybe one day, we’ll uncover the secrets held within every page, but that day is not yet upon on.

On the same memey day, Chris Anderson, (Application Development/Publishing Support at BioWare) tweeted: “Other people are teasing things, so what the hell, here's an image that I used in something I was working on today.” With a pink image shown.

Chris and Melissa followed a Twitter conversation about pink being the “perfect colour for when you need something that screams temp.”

Basically, this pink actually has some context for the development of Dragon Age 4. ‘Temp’ means temporary textures, the first blocked out layer of a texture before actual detailed textures are added.

This can refer to many scenes or models in the early texturing phases, as art assets are still in the approval stages. On a wild, out-there whim, perhaps the team are wrapping up a trailer for a reveal? Maybe?... please?

John Epler (Narrative Director) shared his most controversial opinion of all time:

I loved the Hinterlands, but as a fan of the previous Dragon Age game’s ‘linear with freedom' approach, I appreciate John’s take on open world’s since Dragon Age: Inquisition, perhaps this will shape the way forward for future BioWare titles?

Alix Wilton Regan, voice actress of the Female British Inquisitor retweeted Autumn Witch’s poll asking if people believe the Inquisitor will return as a voiced appearance in Dragon Age 4. Alix tweeted: “C’mon #DAI Fans, you know what to do ;)”

Patrick Weekes replied to Alix’s post with an eye's emoji 👀.... I think I speak for everyone when I say, in some capacity, the Inquisitor has got to return in the next game!

In another tweet, Patrick Weekes teased potential new companions when a Twitter trend placed 5 Dragon Age characters in 6 different camps went around the platform.

When choosing their preferred camp, Patrick Weekes tweeted: “Finally, in Camp 7, it's turned into a bit of a mess, with coffee grounds spilled everywhere and the couch inexplicably on fire after a drinking game gone wrong. But that's another story.”

Of course, there’s not much to tear apart here, but we have acknowledgement of the next party members! It sounds like they’re a wild bunch already!

In early April, Mark Darrah answered a few current development tweets:

So, that’s...Splendid.

Karin Weekes (Editor) tweeted that they “got to sort/catalog/document updates to made-up languages at work today.”

Following that tweet, @ladyiolanthe asked Karin: “Do you think BioWare might ever be able to release Qunari, Dwarvish, and Elvhen lexicons in a World of Thedas Volume 3 sort of book? Or is that unlikely since they're ciphers and maybe there isn't a standardized grammatical structure, etc?”

Karin replied with: “That’s an interesting idea - I, for one, would find it a hoot! I might send out some feelers…” Any books of made-up languages I can get my hands on would be greatly appreciated!

Alain Baxter, (‘Production guy’) tweeted: “BioWare review of content today. All I can say is “Scriplet”. 😎

Apparently a ‘Scriptlet’ is an action verb. Alain is teasing premature scripts as they ‘perform their function’ So, something exciting is going down in the scripts, to be worked on in-engine. Or maybe it’s just an inside joke?

John Epler tweeted a great design message about “how 90% of ‘bad’ decisions are, in fact, the best decision at the time. For John, that will always be the camera zoomed conversations in DA: I. People didn’t like it, and asked why not just make them full scenes. But that’s not the decision they make in-house. It was 'make them simple conversations or else cut them'. Game dev is all about making the best decision you can at the time, with the resources you have .A lot of stuff you thought was weird or awkward came down to a gut call of 'this is the best I can make this and I trust it's good enough'. Sometimes we're right, sometimes not.”

Awesome words to think on, Dragon Age 4 will be amazing, I’m sure, but just remember to set your expectations right and realise everything design-wise, happens for a reason.

Shifting to other design aspects. Jos Hendricks (Senior Level Designer) tweeted:

Mike Jungbluth (Animation Director) tweeted: “Just reviewed something in game that hit THIS LEVEL! Hot damn, moments like this are what I live for.”

Both tweets are incredibly excited and telling of development for Dragon Age 4, it sounds like they’re building and prototyping an epic scene equivalent in scale to the attack at Haven scene? Perhaps, Solas destroying the Veil? Who knows, but it sounds epic, and I’m living for both dev.'s enthusiasm!

For the final tweet regarding the development side is from Åsa Roos (Principle UX Designer)

A UX designer writing about Solas? That must be for codex entries? Right? More lore on our Rebel God!

Unannounced Dragon Age Game:

In my previous March news update, I discussed brashly about the developers on Dragon Age 4 still claiming that this project has not officially been announced yet, however, The Dread Wolf Rises teaser in 2018 certainly alluded to an announcement regarding the next Dragon Age title. Following this story, we have many sources providing clarity on Dragon Age 4’s current ‘unannounced’ situation.

Patrick Weekes confirmed that they are “working on an unannounced game in the Dragon Age universe.”

Patrick said: “We would LOVE to be able to say more. We are really excited about what we’re working on. But we can’t share anything right now. Sorry!”

In April 2019, I painted this unannounced situation rather conspiratorial, I said that perhaps the Dragon Age dev’s can’t share anymore on the next game because Anthem was the next project, and EA are forcing them to not speak on Dragon Age. In an attempt to maintain the crowd by not letting BioWare developers regard Dragon Age 4 as the next working project in the works.

However, I don’t think it’s that deep. I think the developers are just under an NDA, and literally can’t speak about the game.

In Episode 121 of the Anthem-based ‘Freelancer Codex’ Podcast - as a guest, Melissa Janowicz shared that the developers on the secret Dragon Age team cannot talk about the next game, in fact, they can barely talk about the contents of The Dread Wolf Rises teaser trailer.

Chris Anderson also emphasised this same point in a tweet:

As a side not, someone asked Chris why not lie and come up with fake answers to fool the fans, and Chris said: “That can, unfortunately, get me in nearly as much trouble!”

Which shows the validity and value in BioWare developer tweets. The developers can’t just lie about the project either. Which honestly helps someone like me out.

As we know, a game is coming, yet it’s still is very much unannounced, probably because as Jason Schreier reported in 2018, Dragon Age 4 is going to change at least 5 times in the next two years, perhaps BioWare don’t want to show us anything because they don’t want to set anything in stone, or show gameplay that is not representative of the final game.

But that doesn’t extend to a CGI trailer, or a full title drop, Maker knows that would be amazing, and is within the realm of possibility.

New Lore/Fun:

We have some new lore, and other fun things I wanted to share.

Dragon Age Comic Writer, Nunzio DeFillipis talked HUGELY about the red lyrium idol and what was originally planned for their comics.

Nunzio recently mentioned in the Unofficial Bioware Forums that the comic characters from Deception were originally chasing the red lyrium idol.

Nunzio stated that the original plan for the comics would've had the characters retrieve the red lyrium idol. Only to have Solas take it back. Eluding to the idol's planned whereabouts before the plot changed since Joplin's cancellation and BioWare's shift regarding this idol in the comics.

Does this still mean that the location of the red lyrium idol is most likely in the hands of Solas and might only be discovered in Dragon Age 4? Or does the next protagonist have a shot at retrieving the idol before Solas finds it?

It seems like a bummer that the original comic idea was scrapped and the writers were forced to change narrative direction regarding this particular idol.

As a funny tweet I saw. Emily (Domino) Talyor tweeted using her overheard in the office hashtag:

BioWare dev’s can’t even tell their kids, folks.

And, regarding the Fuzzy Freaks livestream. Patrick Weekes’s response to my question, asking how does Solas kill dwarves in their sleep if they have no connection to the Fade, was “very effectively.” This will be a mystery I will personally be investigating when we have our hands on the game.

Considering it was really fun for those who watched the Fuzzy Freaks livestream, I’m going to share other silly takeaways:

Patrick Weekes doing a New York accent for the Carta Dwarf is amazing!

“DREAD DUMBASS” - is a jokey dialogue option that Karen Weekes scribbled notes for future reference.

Patrick likes soft romances and happy endings! IRONICALLY.

Patrick’s style of writing is less high fantasy and more modern.

@DrunkDalish, Co-founder of Dragon Age Day interviewed both Karen and Patrick Weekes. As a lover of Dragon Age lore, these interviews reveal so many loving tidbits that you should read for yourself. However, something I noted that was very significant regarding the future is based on Masked Empire’s ending. So, spoilers for that, but Felassan’s fate isn’t what it seems. Perhaps this elf could come back in the future if needed.

Wellbeing:

And, we come to the last topic, this one is centred on the BioWare staff’s wellbeing. Last year, there was a Kotaku article revealing the crunch and working conditions at BW, there was a lot of worry and confusion in the air that the people working on these games were struggling mentally because of senior management and many other reasons. With that in mind, I’m dedicating a section in these news updates to the wellbeing of the developers, any signs/tweets of positivity and hope will be shared in an effort to see if there has been any change in the BioWare offices since Anthem’s release.

It seems like things are going pretty well and people seem happy and optimistic about the next Dragon Age.

If there are any major updates to a Dragon Age 4 tease at EA Play, I'll be sure to make an update video, but otherwise, be sure to join our livestream as see for ourselves what waits us this EA Play.

Let me know your thoughts down below, what do you think about a potential EA Play teaser, where are your expectations at?

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bakudekuficlibrary · 4 years

Note

Finally!! Good luck with the changes and welcome to the new members. Here my question: do you know any rock!Au fics? Either bakugou or izuku or both like member of a band? It could be explicit or no. And it can be in canon universe or no. Thank you :3

Happy new year and thanks for all your patience! I am eternally bananas over the Rock Band AU, so I scoured the interwebs and put together a mini-list for ya (my personal favorites are right at the top)!^^

~Gabs ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

1 Series. 16 works.

Tire Swing by ElopeToTheSea ( T | 21,061+ | 4/? )

After being kicked out of college, Bakugou Katsuki decided to go back to his hometown. Back to the friends he knew, back to what he was familiar with, back to simpler times.

However, Midoriya Izuku wasn’t familiar. He was strange, he was confusing and he was hurting.

Bakugou couldn’t help being entranced by the anomaly. Especially when he had the voice of an angel.

Surpassing Expectations by Mewphisto ( M | 4,273+ | 1/? )

DEKU! goes on tour with Ground Zero thanks to some great connections and sheer luck. Izuku, DEKU!’s guitarist, is one of Ground Zero’s biggest fans, and feels extremely lucky for the opportunity to tour with his idols. He’s even more grateful when they get to share a tour bus, after all, part of the reason Izuku chased a music career was because of his crush on Ground Zero’s lead singer, Bakugou Katsuki.

Even so, Izuku never expected the grumpy singer would be attracted to him as well, not with his ugly scars and annoying personality. But Bakugou Katsuki was always surpassing expectations, and with six months on tour together, he had plenty of time to demonstrate.

Friends and Friends of Friends by songbrd ( E | 30,933+ | 6/? )

No one purposefully follows their grade school bully into university. But as Midoriya Izuku arrives at UA on freshman move-in day, he realizes he may have done just that.

[Series] Impulse Control by orphan_account ( E | 12,093 | 2 Works | Complete )

Izuku never did anything without a plan, without forethought, without looking into every possible outcome and weighing the pros and cons of each.

But something about Katsuki made him want to be impulsive.

The Space Between by Kanae_vR ( M | 115, 583+ | 20/24 )

Holding his expensive camera tightly between his hands, Midoriya Izuku looked up at the once-white letters displayed on the black storefront banner. “The Hard Luck Bar,” he murmured to himself, unsure if he was getting ready to enter or flee.

Amateur photographer Midoriya Izuku is stuck in a rut and desperate for a change of pace. Deep in his city’s grimy underbelly, he finds exactly what he’s looking for in the form of an underground punk sensation on the verge of their big break, fronted by a foul-mouthed firework of a human being.

Loud, brash and passionate, Izuku may have just found the creative spark he needed, as well as something new to set his soul ablaze.

Without You I’m Nothing by BrightEyesEren ( T | 16,661 | 5/5 )

Katsuki Bakugou has gone his entire life without understanding how someone could give into their feelings. As long as he has music, there’s no need for anything else to get in his way; it’s a way to get through everything. He’s convinced that nothing could possibly stop him… At least until he meets Izuku.

For the 2018 BakuDeku Big Bang.

Drummer boy blues by Natsumiofgames ( T | 1,862 | 1/1 )

Bakugou was pissed.

And that was the nicest way to put it.

As per usual, the whole fucking world couldn’t let him be happy. It’s not Bakugou’s fault he’s obviously destined to be the best, so why does something always have to get in his way?

All Bakugou wanted to do was to take a holiday and relax at home, maybe watch those Crimson Riots DVD Kirishima had been hyping up with a few drinks to get the night going.

All in the company of Deku, the dense dumbass Bakugou had the misfortune to fall so hard for.

But instead he finds himself, in Chicago, one of biggest music cities in America and the last venue his band, Ground Zero, was playing at on their tour.

What’s a guy to do when the show must go on?

Magnolia Dreams by ElopeToTheSea ( T | 7,098 | 1/1 )

“Kaachan!” Deku’s voice. Sweet and cheerful, like a midday breeze. He was looking at him with those big bright green eyes, holding a flower crown in his hands. “Look what I did!”

“What’s that, Deku?” he asked. He was five, flower crowns weren’t something he was familiar with.

“Mom taught me how to make them,” he replied, placing the flower crown on top of his head. “They’re called flower crowns! I made mine of Magnolias!”

“They’re so lame,” he snickered. The field they were sitting on was covered in flowers. From white lilies to purple orchids. They all bloomed in spring. “A true crown is made of metal, idiot!”

[Major Character Death]

I Miss the Music by InkspillsNotebook ( E | 22,800+ | 4/? )

Inspired by the prompt by pennyforyourotp on tumblr of:‘You’re a really famous actor/musician and I’m your childhood friend that shows up a lot on your Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat and people have started shipping us which is really bad for my crush on you that I’ve been trying to hide’

Founder of the number one band ‘Ground Zero’ and lead guitarist, Katsuki Bakugou, takes a vacation before an upcoming tour. Upon returning home, he strives to convince childhood friend, and secret love interest, Izuku Midoriya, to abandon his internship hunt and come on tour with him to once more be apart of each others lives, and write music together again.

Seven Stages by Mikacrispy ( E | 2,022+ | 1/7 )

The 7 Stages of Dealing with a Confession from your Best Friend

Katsuki confesses and Izuku’s whole world view changes.Izuku is involuntarily thrown on a journey of self-discovery to find out what love and sexuality mean to him.

drumbeats & heartbeats by katsugoii ( M | 12,194+ | 5/? )

College— it was a place where fresh adults could start to find themselves and what they wanted to be. All Katsuki’s friends had been bubbling with excitement, but as for him, he didn’t really see what the big deal was. He was there to get his degree and then move on. It was just another branch on the tree of life. He would get up in the morning, go to the gym, go to class, and then either do homework or practice with his band. The only difference now compared to before was that he didn’t have to deal with the old hag, and he’d be on his own, which he supposed was a relief.

However, when he saw a tiny, curly-haired boy with a ridiculous amount of freckles splattered over his cheeks, on his tiptoes to hang a poster next to his desk on one side of the dorm— Katsuki thought they might have had a point.

Hard Habit to Break by Takiewrites ( G | 3,359+ | 1/? )

“Um, ‘zuku. It’s- hi, I’m uh, I-Izuku.” His voice wasn’t as loud or stable as he hoped it would be. He cleared his throat as Ochako covered her mouth to hide a giggle.

“Hah? Fuckin’ speak up, for fuck’s sake.” Bakugou shifted to his other foot, radiating annoyance. “Deku? That’s yer name?” Izuku quickly shook his head, opening his mouth to speak before Bakugou cut him off, “Cool, Deku.“

Or the one where Izuku is a big-bi-mess and gets the hots for a lead singer of a punk band.

Let Me Down Slowly by BrofriendWrites( Not Rated | 2,001+ | 1/5 )

When Plus Ultra’s lead singer loses her voice right before The Battle of the Bands, Izuku and Iida have to find a female lead singer with high range ASAP in order to still participate.

Luckily or unluckily, Izuku finds salvation in his angry classmate, Katsuki Bakugou, who he bribes into helping them.

Notes: Going to be a cute, short-ish fic. Maybe 15k-25k words in total. Just had this on my mind lately and needed to get singer!bakugou out of my system and hopefully clear my writers block. Enjoy watching Izuku lose his mind while trying to process pretty Katsuki singing :)

[Underage]

From Chaos [Comes Clarity] by cosmikuri ( M | 4,732+ | 2/? )

Izuku Midoriya was just following his dream: fronting a rock band and leading his friends to the top. Well, attempting to, anyway. Things became more complicated when he met a certain hotheaded blonde, who happened to be a part of the rival band.

It will take a while by abovetheclouds14 ( Not Rated | 2,698+ | 3/? )

Katsuki may seem to be intimidating but he has a soft heart - in fact, he loves soft things. His current obsession? The softest guy he ever laid his eyes to, one who has fluffy green curls and mesmerizing freckles; he goes with the name - Izuku, the newest addition to the bar he’s working for.

Katsuki wants to know everything about this new guy but it will take a while :)

My Sweet Baby by yumenoyousei ( G | 5,070 | 2/2 )

Izuku noted mentally his new facts on the angry blond. First, his name was Katsuki. Second, he liked sweets and whipped cream. Third, he gave weird nicknames to his friends. And last, he was actually very hot.

Don’t need your pity by thedeathofyouboo ( M | 3,292+ | 2/? )

Izuku has 3 jobs not including caring for his deadbeat father. When a blonde rich kid stumbles into his life he finds himself in a band with a bunch of over protective friends. Will he ever get to have his dream of going to the UA music academy or will everything be for nothing?

#BakuDeku #KatsuDeku #BNHA #fic rec #bkdkfl ask #long post #curator gabs

205 notes · View notes

litt1edeath · 4 years

Text

Surprises At DisneyLand

Y’all in for a treat with this one was requested by @havenoffandoms and i was so excited to do this one aaaaa seriously tho someone let me know if i’m doing this headcanons thing right?? 😅 also sorry for it being so long for me to update i went on a bit of a hiatus 💀⚰️ i’m back now... hopefully

henry had been the one to ask you out of course, you were friends for a couple months

naturally you’d remained far too shy and intimidated by his presence. even though all the skinship and open desire to be around each other was a tale tell sign to everyone around you.

yet you still made no move to further your relationship. so he did.

he was overwhelming in the best ways possible. the kind that makes your throat dry, and butterflies in the pits of your stomach.

now flash forward to present day- you’ve been together for a total of 6 years.

seen the good, bad, ugly and very beautiful parts of each other. worked through every possible struggle hand in hand.

went to every baby shower, baby reveals, weddings, anniversary parties, birthday’s, holiday gatherings, anything your friends or family threw.

as well as your own extra curricular activities and events that you both enjoyed yourself.

being the poster couple, it was inevitable that when you reached the three year mark everyone began to ask when will you tie the knot?

being how it was rare henry had lasted in a relationship so long, they all believed you to be the one. he never smiled more brighter.

however it was all avoidance, at least you assumed that. maybe henry was getting nervous or shy now. which wasn’t like him at all. was he unsure of himself? of this relationship?

now your anniversary was today, celebrating 7 yrs of your happy relationship. the surprise was henry had was the place you would be going to.

everything was nerve wrecking, picking the perfect outfit. he adored how nerdy you were about these things.

putting on a ‘he’s my mickey’ top with jeans that were high waisted and hugged all the right places. finished with high top converses and one of henry’s hoodies.

the drive there you had to be blind folded, butterflies stronger than ever as you grow nervous and excited in one.

of course being the excellent boyfriend as well as lover, henry was. he holds one of your hands. fingers intertwined as he rubs across your knuckles in time with the song on the radio.

you bob your head with the melody, turning to give him a knowing smile though you can’t see his reaction. you hear him, that deep, sweet, darling chuckle he does when he’s amused.

and in a way it makes you more excited- or nervous you can’t tell them apart anymore.

when the blind fold comes off you need a moment to adjust to the sunlight.

as the sign in front of your car comes to view, your mouth drops open like the pikachu meme.

only to be replaced with an ear shrieking squeal.

henry full on laughs at you bouncing in your seat, more so when you take your seat belt off to lung into his arms unannounced.

one hand sinks into your locks to cup the back of your hair and the other around your waist keeping your against him but never to dig into the gear shift uncomfortable.

he really was too observant. careful with you. it made loving him all the sweeter.

“i didn’t even know this is where we were going! my top i chose to wear is coincidental!”

“well we’re matching.” was his comforting words back to yours.

the car is parked, you both show the tickets and are given a wristband that you’ll have photos of to remember the day.

as soon as you step through the turn stiles, you draw attention. not you per say but Henry given a few of them do a double take.

one of the workers asks to take your photo, being pulled closer to Henry at the waist your smile facing forward.

next photo is of you two kissing of course, though you rarely take pics like that. so it has sentimental value.

with a bonus of said boyfriend pressing his forehead to yours, his eyes closed and your hands tightly held in his. you however are looking up at him in the snap shot.

the day is spent riding plenty of rides, buying the pictures at the end you like most. especially splash mountain, you’re both soaked and laughing helplessly at one another’s dismay. even more so at your faces in the pic.

all the little goofing around is settled down when his hands cup both your cheeks, moves the little whisks of hair away that curl from being wet. your hands cover his as he kisses you with all the passion in the world.

when you reach the star wars area he chuckles at your nerdy (this is more my preference bc i’m a dork- if you aren’t a sw’s fan ignore this one hehe)

kylo ren’s costume actors in the park goes to kneel before you, and you gasps everyone looking over with awe. only for henry to appear circling his hands around your waist.

“sorry this ones taken.” he cool replies and so kylo nods standing up. his hand tilting your chin but you play tough unfazed as he walks away.

the rest of the day is you running around like a child too excited to hide it anymore. henry following with happiness, he posts a few videos and pics of your day to instagram. that everyone goes nuts for.

there in the square is where your heart stops. you think you’ve lost henry, anxiety pumping being in a crowded amusement park.

just as the tears build up in your eyes, you see a group of your closest friends appear with Henners at the front of them.

your favourite song you play for him called “Yellow Hearts” by Ant Saunders is on the speakers as your friends run by throwing flowers all around you two.

you cover your mouth, a new form of tears well up as he’s before you. doing the most surprising thing ever your breath hitches.

he goddamn kneeled before you.

cameras are snapping shots or recording.

henry pulls a royal blue small box from his coat pocket. the inside part- something you should’ve felt when your hands were tucked into his pockets. you had a habit of hugging him from behind even if he’s larger than you- yet didn’t feel the box. not once.

he flips it open and inside is a beautiful silver band a sunflower on it with a jewel in the middle shimmering under the setting sun.

“will you y/n. do me the absolute honors of spending the rest of our lives together. and being my wife? because i love you- don’t think i’ve ever loved someone as much as i do you.” theres a chorus of awe’s.

swiping the back of your hand over your face, you sniffle. inhaling a deep breath to steady your emotions so you could talk. you kneel down, being shorter than him once again.

there you search those beautiful eyes, cupping his cheek you scratch at the light stubble. going up onto your knees to kiss him. there you give your confirmation upon his lips, “Yes- a thousand yes’s!”

henry swoops you up into his arms twirling you around as he hugs you close. you knew he wasn’t a public man so doing this was a big deal. for both of you.

once you’re set down he slides the ring onto your ring finger. it feels snuggly, you’re enthralled with it. how it feels, to actually be in this position you never dreamed would ever happen.

just before the parks closing you go to see the fireworks- he records your excitement, when he taps your shoulder from behind the camera.

you whirl around a bright smile at him, when he knelts again tapping his shoulders you mouth a no at him.

giving up at his reassurance he could hold you up easily. and he does, you’re careful to not bounce so much while cheering and singing along to the music that plays for the show.

he turns the camera to face himself and you hunch down to kiss his cheek, lifting his head so you could kiss him properly in the video.

it’s then when you both look up that two fireworks shoot out “congratulations henry and y/n!” followed by “happy anniversary!”

#henry cavill #henry cavill as your boyfriend #henry cavill x y/n #henry cavill x you #henry cavill headcanons #henry cavill headcanon #head canon #head canons #marriage proposal #disney land #im sorry this took so long #it also made me emotional #given ill be going to disney land next month #soft boi #sweet boi #surprise proposal #fireworks show #im soft

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minyoongleschimjoongles · 4 years

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Fever Dream: Day 4: The Great Masterchef Bake-off

Fandom: BTS, Stray Kids, Monsta X, Ateez

Genre: Fluff, Hybrid AU

Warning(s): Heavy dose of fluff, Jin sucks on some fingers

ARMY’s favorite v-lives to watch were called, “The Great Masterchef Bake Off.” The lives usually consisted of Jin and Zara in the kitchen (though the others popped in every once in a while) and Jin would cook food and Zara would bake. They’d flirt a lot, and the fans ate that shit up.

Today, Jin’s day to prepare dinner for the rest of them, he decided it was the right time to have that kind of Vlive.

The video started the way it always does; Zara, in a pretty light blue, daisy patterned apron that Yoongi had bought her in 2016, squinting at the camera like a granny while Jin stood behind her, giggling as he laced her apron and lavished kisses upon her cheek.

Fans started filing in as soon as they saw the paint pallet emoji that told them Zara was in this one. Videos with Zara were the best because she made her Hybrids so damn happy when she joined them, but videos with Zara and Jin were special.

Jin has been the first one to stop pretending he didn’t love her, after all, and the first time he’d kissed her had been during a vlive.

“Is this thing on?” Zara asked, her voice echoing in the kitchen made to feed an entire hotel of people. Jin giggled again, nuzzling into her neck, keeping his eyes on the camera.

“It’s on! Everyone can see my beautiful girl.”

Zara snorted and looked down at the assorted ingredients in front of her, separating what she needed.

“What are you making, Zara?”

“7 batches of cookies. How much flour do you need for your soup recipe, Oppa?”

Jin consulted the recipe for a moment, frowning. “One fourth cup per batch, is that a lot?”

“No, but you’re making seven batches, so you need like almost two cups of flower,” Zara laughed, measuring out the appropriate measurements for him and taking the flower to a different section of counter, though still in the camera’s view.

For the next hour, fans watched the perfectly choreographed, wonderfully domestic dance that Kim Seokjin and Zara Underhill had perfected over the last decade; she’d swing under his arm to get to the industrial fridge, he’d spin around her to grab the frying pan from across the kitchen. All the while they chattered happily to one another and spoke with fans and Jin flirted outrageously.

“Can I butter your buns?” He asked, holding up the stick of butter he was about to cut up and put into his soup.

“I’m not making buns, I’m making cookies.”

“Wait, that’s not what I meant-“

Zara grabbed his cheek and pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips. “I know what you meant, Oppa. Maybe later buns can be buttered.”

She relished in the blush that lit up his cheeks.

Zara was still baking her cookies when Jin set his soup on to simmer, so he moved to her side, breathing in the scent of cinnamon and sugar that had mixed with her natural scent of coconut and citrus.

“What kind of cookies are you making?” He asked, watching as she rolled dough into a ball and set it on the cookie sheet.

“Just some normal sugar cookies, with a little bit of cinnamon sprinkled on top.”

“Oh, your mom’s recipe!” Zara paused, looking up at Jin with the softest eyes he’d ever seen. “What?”

With a small smile, Zara reached up and slotted her lips fully over Jin’s, her fingers leaving sticky tracks across his skin.

Jin gave a soft moan of surprise but gave himself over to the kiss completely, his hands looped loosely around Zara’s wrists. After a few minutes of heated kissing and the fans blowing up the chat, Zara nipped his bottom lip and pulled away from him.

Jin looked confused, but pleased, taking Zara’s thumb and sucking the cookie dough off her skin, keeping eye contact the whole time.

“What was the kiss for?” He asked, upon remembering that they were broadcasting live and he couldn’t let himself lose control. Zara’s eyes were still soft as she wiped the dough from his cheeks.

“My mom only made you those cookies once... and you remembered the recipe.”

“Well, yeah,” Jin shrugged, like it was obvious. “She said they were your favorite, and I remember all your favorite things.”

“Kim Seokjin, someday someone is going to marry you so hard.”

“Yeah,” Jin agreed, “I’m pretty great husband material, but if I have any say in the ‘someone’ that someone is going to be you.”

For the next month, fans would be screaming about this low-key proposal that ended in another heated kiss and Jin fumbling to end the live as Zara pulled him down to the floor.

@kmseokjins @gingerpeachtae @sun-moon-n-yunho

#kpop #kpop imagines #kpop smut #bts #bts imagines #bts smut #stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids smut #monsta x #monsta x imagines #monsta x smut #ateez #ateez imagines #ateez smut

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dustedmagazine · 4 years

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Dust Volume 6, Number 8

Angel Olsen

Now half a year in the pandemic, we’re starting to see the emergence of quarantine records, whether in the trove of reissues hastily assembled to stand in for new product or home recorded projects made with extremely close friends and family or albums that are conceived and written around the concept of isolation. Music isn’t real life, exactly, but it lives nearby. And in any case, it’s still music and can be good or bad whether it’s been unearthed from a forgotten box of tapes, recorded at home without collaboration or side people or technologically gerry-rigged so that distanced partners can work together. So, as long as you all are making music, we will continue to listen and find records that move us, as the world burns all around. This edition’s contributors included Patrick Masterson, Andrew Forell, Tim Clarke, Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Jonathan Shaw, Justin Cober-Lake and Ray Garraty. Enjoy.

+ — #playboy (Deluxe Edition) (self-released)

#playboy (deluxe edition) by +

One of the most genuinely confounding records I’ve heard this year comes courtesy SEO-unfriendly artist + aka Plus Sign fka Emanuel James Vinson, a Chicago rapper, city planner and all-around community activist who spends his time helping with the city’s Let’s Build Garden City initiative when he’s not making music (which is frequent, by the way — take a look at the breadth of that Bandcamp discography). The concept with #playboy, originally released in April but deluxed in late May, is simple: Two kids find a music machine called #playboy in their basement and start tinkering with it. Its childlike whimsy is conveyed in the song titles (“Getting the Hang of It,” “Wake Up Jam (Waking Up)”) every bit as much as it is in the music, with occasionally grating indulgences, the odd earworm and a brief appearance by borderless internet hip-hop hero Lil B that makes perfect sense in context; the kindred spirit of that community-building cult auteur is strong here. You may wind up loving this record or you may wind up hating it, but I can promise you this: You’ll be thinking about it and the artist behind it long after it’s over.

Patrick Masterson

Actress — Mad Voyage Mixtape (self-released)

I once suggested Darren Cunningham mucks about with his music because he can’t help himself. That was about six years ago on the occasion of his purported “final” album Untitled; with the benefit of hindsight, we can see he was (like so many others, to greater or lesser consequence) just pulling our leg with that PR. Hell, he’s released two albums worth of music in July alone: The first was the mid-month surprise LP 88, which follows in the vein of his acclaimed high period as an often brilliant, occasionally frustrating patchwork of submersible beats best played at high volume with a low end. The second came at the end of the month in an m4a file shared the old fashioned way on a forum via Mediafire link, nearly an hour and a half long, and per the man himself, “All SP-303, sketchbook beats, recorded this past week [the first week of July] straight to recorder or cassette.” It feels very much like a homespun Actress mixtape and is probably best thought of as livelier accompaniment to 88 but, even still, there’s no noticeable drop in quality — once Actress, always Actress. If headier lo-fi beat tapes are your beat, this will slot comfortably in line.

Patrick Masterson

bdrmm - Bedroom (Sonic Cathedral)

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Hull five-piece bdrmm play a satisfyingly crepuscular version of shoegaze on their debut album Bedroom. Ryan Smith, his brother Jordan on bass, guitarist Joe Vickers, Danny Hull on synths and drummer Luke Irvin combine the widescreen sound of Ride with a cloak of gothic post-punk. Like the late, lamented Girls Names, bdrmm find a sweet spot where atmosphere and dynamics either build to euphoric crescendos or bask in bleak funereal splendor. Bedroom seems deliberately sequenced from celebration to lament. “A Reason To Celebrate” evokes Ride at their most anthemic, the tripping staccato driven “Happy” summons the spirit of The Cure of Seventeen Seconds before the pace drops for the second half, the songs become quieter and darker as the band finds a more personal voice. “(The Silence)” is an ambient whispered wraith of a thing, “Forget The Credits” impressively mopey slowcore. bdrmm don’t always transcend their influences, but this debut is an atmospheric treat if your taste runs to the darker end of the musical buffet.

Andrew Forell

Circulatory System — Circulatory System (Elephant 6 Recording Co.)

Circulatory System by Circulatory System

Nearly 20 years after its initial release, the excellent eponymous debut album by Will Cullen Hart’s psychedelic chamber-pop band Circulatory System gets a long overdue vinyl reissue. While his previous project, the undeniably great Olivia Tremor Control, tended to lean more towards classic psych-pop’s traditional tropes — hard-panned drums, loads of disorientating tape effects, wonky harmonized vocals — Circulatory System taps into something utterly uncanny. Both Signal Morning (2009) and Mosaics Within Mosaics (2014) have their moments, but this is front-to-back brilliant, conjuring a sublime atmosphere of reflective estrangement. The music is a thick, grainy soup of shimmering instrumentation, from the eerie (“Joy,” “Now,” “Should a Cloud Replace a Compass?”) to the joyful (“Yesterday’s World,” “The Lovely Universe,” “Waves of Bark and Light”), but part of the album’s magic is the way everything flows into a seamless whole. As is vinyl’s tendency, the rhythm section really comes alive here, the fuzz bass and tom-heavy drum parts booming out, with plenty of vivid details in the mix swimming into view. A worthy reissue of an essential album.

Tim Clarke

Cloud Factory — #1 (Howlin’ Banana)

Cloud Factory #1 by Cloud Factory

Cloud Factory, from Toulouse, France, overlays the serrated edges of garage pop with a serene dream-pop drift. It’s an appealing mix of hard and soft, like being pummeled to death by pillows or threatened gunpoint by a teddy bear. “Amnesia,” for instance, erupts in a vicious, sawed off, trouble-making bass line, then soars from there in untroubled female vocals. Later, “No Data,” punches hard with raw percussion, then lays on a liquid, lucid guitar line that encourages middle-distance staring. None of these songs really up the ante with memorable melodies, sharp words or that intangible R’NR energy that distinguishes great punk rock from the so so. Not loud, not soft, not great, not bad. Cloud Factory resides in the indeterminant middle.

Jennifer Kelly

Entry — Detriment (Southern Lord)

Detriment by Entry

Nuthin fancy here, folks. Just eight songs — plus a flexing, fuzzing intro — of American hardcore punk. Entry has been grinding away for a few years now, and Detriment doesn’t advance much past the musical terrain the band marked off on the No Relief 7-inch (2016). That’s OK. The essential formula is time tested: d-beat rhythms, overdriven amps and Sara G.’s ferocious vocals delivering the necessary affect. That would be: pissed off, just this side of hopeless. Detriment sounds like what might happen if Poison Idea (c. 1988) stumbled into a seminar on Riot Grrrl; after everyone got tired of beating the living shit out of one another, they’d make some songs. “Selective Empathy” is pretty representative. Big riffs, a breakdown, and more than enough throaty yelling to let you know that you’re in some trouble. You might recognize the sound of Clayton Stevens’ guitar from his work with Touché Amoré — but maybe it’s better if you don’t. This isn’t music for mopery. Watch out for the spit, snot and blood, and flip the record.

Jonathan Shaw

Equiknoxx — VF Live: Equiknoxx (The Vinyl Factory)

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There’s nothing like a little roots music to get you through the sweltering summer heat, and this early July mix by Gavin “Gavsborg” Blair (half of forward-thinking Kingston dancehall unit Equiknoxx) was a personal favorite of the past month for hitting that spot. The group tends to throw curveballs at the genres it tinkers with, and Blair’s mix highlights why they’re so good at it: The crates run deep. Spanning everything from legendary producer and DJ Prince Jazzbo to in-house music fresh out the box (e.g., “Did Not Make This For Jah_9” was released in late May), Blair sets the mood and educates you along the way. Like everything else these cats do (and that includes the NTS show — support your independent radio station!), it’s hard not to give the highest recommendation.

Patrick Masterson

Ezra Feinberg — Recumbent Speech (Related States)

Recumbent Speech by Ezra Feinberg

Knowing that Ezra Feinberg is a practicing psychoanalyst, it’s tempting to read meaning into the name of his second solo album. But be careful to think twice about the meaning you perceive and ask yourself, is it the product of Feinberg on the couch or your own projection? His choice to name one of the record’s six instrumentals (there are voices, but no words) “Letter To My Mind” certainly suggests that there’s an internal dialogue at work, but the music feels most like a layered deployment of good ideas than an exchange of intrapsychic forces. The synthesizers shimmer and cycle like something from a mid-1970s Cluster record, resting upon a pillow of vibraphone and electric piano tones, which in turn billow under the influence of undulating layers of drums. Feinberg’s guitar leads are bright and pithy, like something Pat Metheny might come up with if he knew he was going to have to pay a steep price for every note he played. Ah, but there I go, projecting an implication of adversary process where there may be none. Might it be that Feinberg, having spent a full work week immersed in the psychic conflicts of others, wants to lay back on the couch and exhale? If so, this album is an apt companion.

Bill Meyer

Honey Radar — Sing the Snow Away: The Chunklet Years (Chunklet)

Sing the Snow Away: The Chunklet Years by Honey Radar

Jason Henn of Honey Radar has a solid claim at being his generation’s Bob Pollard, a prolific, absurdist songwriter, who tosses off hooky melodies as if channeling them from the spirit world. His least polished material glints with melody hidden beneath banks of fuzz, whispery and fragile on records, but surprisingly muscular in his rocking live shows. This 28-song compilation assembles the singles, splits, EPs and bonus tracks Henn recorded for Chunklet between 2015 and the present; it would be a daunting amount of material except that it goes down like cotton candy, sweet, airy, colorful and gone before you know it. Like the Kinks, Henn has a way of making strident rock and roll hooks sound wistful and dreamy. In “Lilac Pharmacy,” guitar lines rip and buck and roar, but from a distance, hardly disrupting Henn’s placid murmur. “Medium Mary Todd” ratchets up the tension a bit, with a tangled snarl of lick and swagger, but the vocals edge towards quiet whimsy a la Sic Alps; a second version runs a bit hotter, rougher and more electric, while a third, recorded at WFMU, gives an inkling of the Honey Radar concert experience. A couple of fine covers — of the Fall’s early rant “Middle Class Revolt” and of the Monkees rarity “Wind-Up Man”— suggest the fine, loamy soil that Henn’s art grows out of, while alternate versions of half a dozen tracks hint at the various forms his ideas can take. It’s a wonderful overview of Honey Radar so far, though let’s hope it’s not a career retrospective. Henn has a bunch of records left to make yet if he wants to edge out Pollard.

Jennifer Kelly

Iron Wigs — Your Birthday’s Cancelled (Mello Music Group)

Your Birthday's Cancelled by IRON WIGS

As an adjective, “goofy” had gotten a bad rep in hip hop. Anything that is unusual, inventive and not in line with “keeping it real” is immediately stigmatized as goofy, weird, nerdy and bad. Iron Wigs is goofy but hold the pejorative connotations. Chicago representatives Vic Spencer and Verbal Kent team up here with Sonnyjim from the UK to do some wild rhyming. They collaborated before, but Your Birthday’s Cancelled is a complete, fully fleshed project, masterfully executed from start to finish. Instead of the usual gun busting you get a fist in the ribs. Instead of drug slinging, a blunt to activate your rhymes. Each member of the group has a distinctive delivery which makes you to listen carefully for every verse, no skipping. It’s a relief to listen to rap artists who don’t pretend they’re out in the streets while they’re at home enjoying a favorite TV series. The standout track here is “Bally Animals & Rugbys” with Roc Marciano dropping by for a verse.

Ray Garraty

Levinson / Mahlmeister — Shores (Trouble In Mind)

Shores by levinson / mahlmeister

Jamie Levinson and Donny Mahlmeister’s Bandcamp page indicates that they’re based in Oak Park, a suburb of Chicago. This goes further towards explaining their association with Trouble in Mind Records, which is located in the same county, than their music, which brings to mind something much further north. The duo’s music is mostly electronic, with modular synthesizers setting the pulse and sweeping the pitch spectrum while lap steel guitar adds flourishes and a shruti box thickens the textures. The album is split into two, with each track — one is named “Ascend,” the other “Release” — taking up one side of a 50-minute cassette. The first side trundles steadily onwards, and the second seems to bask in a glow to that never totally fades. Since there’s no “Descend,” it’s easy to imagine this music sound tracking a drive into the Canadian north, the journey unspooling under a sky that never darkens, its progress towards Hudson Bay unhindered by other traffic or turns in the road. Perhaps that’s just one listener’s fantasy of easy social distancing and escape from the present’s grim digital glare into a retro-futurist, analog dream. But in dreams we’re free to fly without being seated next to some knucklehead with his mask over his eyes instead of his mouth, so dream on, dreamers. This tape is volume one of the Explorers Series, Trouble in Mind’s projected program of limited edition cassette releases.

Bill Meyer

Klara Lewis — Ingrid (Editions Mego)

Klara Lewis’s latest recording shows a narrowing of focus. Previously she seemed to be trying ideas and methods on for size, investigating ambient electronics or hinting at pop melody without completely committing. Given the approach to music modeled by her father, Graham Lewis of Wire and Dome, she probably does not feel the need to do just one thing, and that’s a healthy angle if one wants to stay interested and flexible. But there’s also something to be said for really digging into an idea, and that’s what she has done here. Ingrid is a one-track, one-sided 12.” Burrowing further into one-ness, it is made from one looped cello phrase, which gets filtered and distorted on each pass. The effect suggests decay, but not so much the gradual transformation of a William Basinski piece as the pitiless abrasion of a woodworker going over a plank with sander. The combination of repetition and coarsening hits a spot closer to one that Tony Conrad might reach, and that’s an itch worth scratching.

Bill Meyer

Luis Lopes Humanization 4tet — Believe, Believe (Clean Feed)

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The cruel economics of contemporary creative music-making favor an ensemble like Humanization 4tet. At a minimum, the filial Texan rhythm section of Stefan and Aaron Gonzalez (drums and bass respectively) and Lisbon-based duo of Rodrigo Amado (tenor saxophone) and Luís Lopes can each count on having the other half of a band on the other side of the Atlantic. But any project that’s on its fourth record in a dozen years has more going for it than the chance to save on plane tickets. For the Portuguese musicians, it’s an opportunity to feel an unabashedly high-energy force at their backs, as well as a chance to drink from a deep well of harmolodic blues. And for the Gonzalez brothers, it’s the reward of being the absolute right guys for the job; it has to be a gas to know that the heft they put into their swing is so deeply appreciated. While Lopes’ name remains up front, everyone contributes compositions, and everyone gives their all on every tune.

Bill Meyer

Joanna Mattrey — Veiled (Relative Pitch)

Veiled by Joanna Mattrey

This solo CD, which closely follows a collaborative cassette on Astral Spirits, is only the second recording with Joanna Mattrey’s name on the spine. But Mattrey is no newcomer. The New England Conservatory-trained violist has been playing straight and pop gigs for a while. If you caught Chance the Rapper on Saturday Night Live, Cuddle Magic with strings or a host of classical gigs around New York City, you’ve seen her. But if black dress and heels gigs pay her bills, improvised music nourishes her heart. And if sounds raw enough to scrape the roof of the world nourish yours, this album is new food. The premise of Veiled is finding veins of concealed beauty concealed, and that search impels Mattrey to tune her viola to sound like a horse-haired Tuvan fiddle, clamp objects to the strings and blast her signal through some satisfyingly filthy amplification. And whether it’s a slender tune or a complex texture, the reward is always there.

Bill Meyer

Angel Olsen — “Whole New Mess” single (Jagjaguwar)

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Everyone processes a breakup differently (though, to be fair, that’s probably less true now than ever). For Angel Olsen in 2018, it meant retreating to The Unknown, a century-old church in Anacortes, Washington, that Mount Eerie’s Phil Elverum and producer Nicholas Wilbur made into a recording studio. What ultimately came from those sessions was All Mirrors, but Whole New Mess is a chance to revisit that album (fully nine of these 11 songs are ones you’ve heard before; only the title-track and “Waving, Smiling” are new) in a more intimate framework — just Angel, a guitar, a mic and her reverberant heartache. The most cynical view to be taken here is that it’s a stopgap capitalizing on people’s vulnerability amid a pandemic quarantine, but it could also be a corrective for the bloat of All Mirrors, a record I listened to once and haven’t thought about since. Late Björkian excess doesn’t suit her nearly as well as the light touch delivered herein, and your interest will similarly hinge on how much Whole New Mess sounds like the old one.

Patrick Masterson

Ono — Red Summer (American Dreams)

Red Summer by ONO

Ono, the long-running noise-punk-poetry-protest project headed by P Michael Grego and travis, tackles the Red Summer of 1919, evoking the brutal race riots that erupted as soldiers returned from World War I. During that summer, conflicts raged from Chicago to the deep south, as white supremacists rioted against newly empowered returning Black veterans and an increased number of Black factory workers employed in America’s northern factories. Ono captures the violence—and its links to contemporary race-based conflicts—in an abstract and visionary style, with travis declaiming against an agitated froth of avant garde sound. “A Dream of Sodomy” lurches and rolls in funk-punk bravado, as travis declaims all the nightmarish scenarios that haunt his nocturnal hours, while “Coon” natters rhythmically across a fever-lit foundation of hand-drums, mosquito buzz and flute. “26 June 1919” wanders through a blasted, rioting landscape, sounds buzzing and pinging and roaring around travis’ fractured poetry. “White men, red men, Manchester town, send ‘em home, Oklahoma, send ‘em home, in a Black man house, send ‘em home, send ‘em home,” he chants, ominously, vertiginously. The center isn’t holding, for sure. The disc closes with the uneasy truce of “Sycamore Trees,” where steam blasts of synthesizer sound rush up and around travis’ vibrating, basso verses about meeting under the sycamore trees, a metaphor like the blues and gospel and nearly all Black music is full of metaphor about reuniting in a better place. Powerful.

Jennifer Kelly

Julian Taylor — The Ridge (Howling Turtle, Inc.)

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Singer-songwriter Julian Taylor does the little things well. That's not to say that he doesn't do the obvious things well, too, on his latest release The Ridge. His easy voice fits his songs, letting autobiography come with comfortable phrasing. As a writer, he tends toward the straightforward, avoiding extended metaphors or oblique references. The title track considers a particular form of life, and Taylor sticks to the tangible, singing about the stable, “Shovel manure, clean their beds, and prepare the feed for the day.” Taylor's songs make sense of the immediate world and relationships around him, but they avoid woolgathering. The album feels a bit removed from the current climate, but that's no complaint when Taylor's developed a welcoming place to visit. It isn't always easy here, but it's always companionable.

But back to those little things. Each song has carefully detailed orchestration and production. The record goes down easy whether tending toward James Taylor, Cat Stevens or something closer to country, and much of that easiness comes from the precise placement of every note. Burke Carroll's pedal steel, for instance, never exists for its own sake, but to serve the lyric that Taylor sings. The album contains enough space to feel like a rural Canadian ridge, with details drawn into to support Taylor's direct stories. The Ridge could easily go unnoticed (unobtrusiveness not being a highly rewarded trait), but its subtlety and care make it worth taking your boots off and sitting down for a minute.

Justin Cober-Lake

Various Artists — For a Better Tomorrow (Garden Portal)

For A Better Tomorrow by Various Artists

Compilation albums loom large in the American Primitive Guitar realm. Takoma, Tompkins Square and Locust all had larger ambitions than merely offering a sampling of wares, and to them, Garden Portal says, “hold my beer. I’ve got some collecting and playing to do.” For A Better Tomorrow started out as a Bernie Sanders fundraising endeavor. But when Bernie bailed and COVID-19 came on the scene, Garden Portal pivoted to support Athens Mutual Aid Network, an umbrella organization that coordinates aid to the underserved in this trying time. But in addition to good works, there’s some good work going on here. Not all of it is guitar-centric, but even the tracks that aren’t are close enough to the strings and heart template of the aforementioned parties to merit consideration under the same rubric. Joseph Allred’s been ultra-productive recently, so it’s actually helpful to be reminded of the spirit that infuses his playing by listening to it one track at a time. Rob Noyes’ “Diminished” takes the listener on a deep dive into the construction of sentiment and sound. And Will Csorba’s Pelt-like blast of fiddle drone, “Requiem for Ociel Guadalupe Martinez,” will put your hair up high enough to make that self-inflicted quarantine do a bit easier to execute.

Bill Meyer

Various Artists — The Storehouse Presents (The Storehouse)

The Storehouse Presents by The Storehouse

The coronavirus pandemic put the brakes on many things. You doubtless have your own list of loss, but for the proprietors of The Storehouse, the catalog of things kissed goodbye directly corresponds to their endeavor’s inventory of reasons to be. Over the past few years, the Storehouse has invited audiences out to a West Michigan farmhouse to enjoy a potluck meal and a concert played by some musicians of note. If there had been no lockdown, listeners could have enjoyed the Sun Ra Arkestra last April. Instead, no one’s playing, and no one’s getting paid, so the Storehouse has compiled this set of live and exclusive studio tracks to sell on Bandcamp in order to benefit the musicians and the Music Maker Relief Foundation. The cause, is good, but so are the tunes. Want to hear Steve Gunn and William Tyler in sympathetic orbit? Or Joan Shelley pledging her love? Or the first hints of Mind Over Mirrors’ new direction? Step right this way, preferably on one of 2020’s first Fridays.

Bill Meyer

Z-Ro — Rohammad Ali (1 Deep Entertainment / Empire)

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On one of his previous tracks, Z-Ro admitted that he’s basically just writing the same song over and over again (that’s how meta he is now, writing songs on writing songs). While he exaggerated a bit, he was not that far from the truth. In the last half dozen years he’s been writing the same three or four songs in various combinations, reconfigurations and forms. Rohammad Ali follows the same template: haters hate him, but he’s OK and is counting his money. Multiply this by 17, and here is the album. Despite this self-cannibalizing (lots of poets did that), Z-Ro with every new album sounds fresh and far from tired. The self-repeats just fuel him. Rohammad Ali has only one rap guest, and it’s Shaquille O’Neal whose rap career didn’t jump off in the 1990s. A lack of guests only proves that Z-Ro can self-sustain without support from the outside. The only thing from the outside he needs is hate.

Ray Garraty

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you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus · 5 years

Text

45 reasons why

summary: cyrus tries to think of all the possible reasons that tj hates him following the events of costume day. (inspired by this post)

ship: tyrus

word count: 9235 (she’s a hefty one)

notes: happy late birthday amanda! @swingsetboys i hope you like this! 1. I’m annoying

That one was a given, Cyrus thought. He always asked one too many questions, laughed a little too loud, and complained a little too often for people’s likings. It only made sense that this was probably one of the main reasons that TJ probably hates him.

Hate. He doesn’t like that word; it’s so strong, it has so much power. Yet, it almost seems to fit the mood. After all, the costume was TJ’s idea, not his. TJ was the one who looked so excited to do the costume based on an inside joke. And yet, TJ was the one who bailed on it. TJ was the one who did a costume with a girl he, supposedly, barely even knew.

He sighed, putting down his pen and leaning back in his chair. Maybe this didn't just start right around costume day. Maybe it went further back, but how far back? A week? A month? Cyrus shook his head, breathing out forcefully. Might as well start from the very beginning, he thought to himself.

The whole thing started with that damn muffin. The muffin, he pointedly thought, that he couldn’t get for himself because he was too much of a coward to cut in line and get it for himself.

2. I’m weak

3. I’m helpless Just like Jonah said, he thought, but left that unwritten. He already knew that; he didn’t want it written down. That day with the stupid muffin seemed almost like a far away dream to him. He was almost certain that TJ. . .smiled at him? It was kind of fuzzy; if you’d asked him a week ago, he’d be able to tell you how many steps TJ took towards him before saying ‘he’s with me’. But now, he doubted that the whole exchange even happened. All he remembered was that he looked at TJ like this monster, like someone who could and would crush him underneath his sneaker. But. . .he didn’t. He was surprisingly friendly.

4. I jump to conclusions

5. I get scared too easily

6. I’m a bad judge of character

For days after that, Cyrus had found himself lingering over their interaction, if you could even call it that. He’d absentmindedly draw a muffin on his biology notes. At lunch, he’d stare at his mashed potatoes so long that Buffy had to physically prod him to make him eat. And when his parents drove him home from school, the car ride was remarkably quiet.

He really thought that that would have been the first and last time that him and TJ interacted. He was fairly certain that was the taller boy’s name; Buffy had mentioned her disgust for him several times before. But their conversation had only just begun.

A little while later, Cyrus had found himself drenched in sweat from head to toe because oh his goodness, he couldn’t stop himself from getting tongue-tied in front of the camera. And it certainly didn’t help that he was with his, now-ex, crush. That only made him want to do well more, which of course led to a disastrous outcome. He’d ended up running towards the swings to try and calm down. He’d even sung that stupid song he made up in elementary school.

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, TJ popped behind him, with a compliment for his song. And Cyrus. . .well, Cyrus just looked scared. He probably looked like a deer in the headlights from TJ’s perspective. And then of course, TJ had made some joke about what he sang on the slide. Probably in a pitiful attempt to make conversation

7. I’m pitiful

Somehow he’d managed to convince TJ to sit and swing with him. With him. It felt almost natural, them sitting together on the swings. Well, not together per se, but they were on the same swing set. Separately.

‘You don’t know me. I got stuff.’

He’d never forgotten those words, because in that moment, he felt almost comfortable around TJ. Like he just wanted to spill everything and get everything off his chest.

8. I get too comfortable with people I barely know

They’d barely even talked that day. All that Cyrus had learned was that, apparently, TJ had things that he needed to feel better about, which to Cyrus, sounded absolutely absurd. He was the captain of the basketball team, people were borderline terrified of him, and let’s be honest, he wasn’t ugly. Far from it, actually, save for the insane amount of hair gel he used to wear.

And when he gave him an underdog, he barely remembered feeling so light and so effortless all at once. It felt like he was on top of the world, and that nothing could touch him. And the smile on TJ’s face when he was squealing like mad. . .it was nice to see. Even then, Cyrus could tell he didn’t smile like that, or maybe even at all, much.

9. I’m scared of stupid things

And then Buffy had shown up and TJ instantly put up his walls again and wanted to hurry off. And for some weird reason, Cyrus didn’t want him to leave. He wanted his new. . .friend? (if he could call him that) to make sure that he knew that Buffy was cool, and understanding when she wanted to be.

10. I want things that I can’t have

‘Thanks for reminding me about swinging. That helped.’

For once that day, he felt useful, like he’d been successful in making someone just a little bit happier. He’d gone home that day feeling pretty good about himself. Even his parents seemed to notice his good mood, but when they asked him about it, he just shrugged it off, saying that he’d found a few dollars on his way in to school. He was fairly certain they didn’t believe him, but they didn’t pry anymore, simply letting them eat his dinner in peace.

11. I get happy at dumb things

A few days after their encounter at the swings, TJ somehow managed to find Cyrus again in the hallway. He looked oddly stressed, and he didn’t have the same easygoing ‘shrug it off’ demeanor that he’d sported just a few days ago. He looked like he wanted to say something, Cyrus could tell by the way he’d carried himself. He hadn’t forgotten their conversation from that day.

“Something on your mind?” Cyrus had asked, rocking back on his heels.

TJ had just shrugged, tugging on his hoodie straps. “Just. . .stuff,” he’d said lamely, but Cyrus could see behind his indifferent demeanor.

“You don’t have to tell me now, or ever,” Cyrus had assured him, and was ready to walk off when TJ started pulling something out of his back pocket.

“Here,” he mumbled, handing Cyrus his phone, “put your number in and I’ll. . .tell you about it sometime, I guess,”

Cyrus had nearly dropped the boy’s phone from pure shock. TJ was asking for his number? Well, no. More like TJ didn’t want to talk right now and instead wanted a second method of communication.

“O-Okay,” Cyrus had stammered out, putting his phone number in, all the while thinking about what he would write for his contact name. He wanted to make it something a little creative, but not something so stupid that it was embarrassing.

‘Cyrus (Underdog)’ he typed out, before handing it back to TJ. He had glanced down at his phone, and Cyrus had sworn he saw the ghost of a smile.

“Cool, I’ll text you,” he’d said, before running up to catch up with his basketball friends.

He’d waited all weekend for TJ to text him, but he never had. He’d even sent him a text himself.

[Cyrus: hey it’s cyrus! but you probably know that, anyways i’m here to listen if you ever want to talk :)]

He regretted it the moment he’d sent it.

12. I’m a dork

13. I’m clingy

When it had come time to invite people to his bar mitzvah, the last invitation was almost shaking in his hand. Why he was so nervous to hand it to TJ was beyond him, but looking back, a crush was definitely forming. Hindsight truly was a savior. He really, really wanted TJ to come, so much that he probably sounded desperate when he asked.

14. I’m desperate

15. I’m a geek

Luckily for him, TJ had accepted; heck, he’d even smiled at him. And then, he launched into a conversation about Buffy. Something about needing her to do something for him. And there it was, he thought, the reason that TJ had even talked to him at all. He need a favor. What? A date? Her number? TJ had ended up being pretty vague about the whole ordeal.

“Just use her two favorite words,” Cyrus had said confidently.

“I’m sorry?”

He’d paled, eyes bugging out of his head. “No, she hates those words,”

“Then what?”

Cyrus had hesitated. On the one hand, he did want to keep talking to TJ. On the other hand, he didn’t want to say something he shouldn’t. But one look up to him, seeing him almost smiling, he nodding up the sidewalk.

“Come with me. You might not like saying this, but Buffy will love hearing it.” The two of them had walked out towards the bus stop at the front of the school. After checking to see if the coast was clear, no Buffy in sight, Cyrus had stepped in front of TJ.

“You’re right,” he’d said.

TJ furrowed his brows in confusion. “About what?”

Cyrus shook his head. “No, those are her favorite words. ‘You’re right’. I don’t know what it is about them, but she just...seems to cave at whatever when you say them. It’s how I got her to sell me Tokyo,”

TJ looked at him, even more confused than before, but there was an air of fondness in his gaze.

Cyrus waved him off. “Monopoly. Long story.”

TJ nodded curtly, upon hearing the bus beep. “Maybe you could tell me sometime,” he offered, shaking his phone, “you can use emojis and everything,” he’d joked, before waving and heading onto the bus.

Cyrus couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off of his face no matter how hard he tried.

Sure enough, when he got home that night, he sent TJ a long text explaining how he just needed Tokyo to complete his collection, but Buffy wouldn’t sell it to him. He didn’t really remember what had happened, other than the fact that he’d said ‘you’re right’ so many times it started to sound like a foreign language.

And this time, TJ did send him a text back

[TJ 🏀: lol that’s funny. i’ll remember that. thanks for today]

Cyrus almost smiled as he added new things to the list. Memories of his bar mitzvah were fond, and he wishes times could be as simple as they were back then. He hadn’t seen TJ that much, save for the time that he couldn’t open a damn bottle.

“Hey, Underdog!” TJ had said above the music, approaching him.

Cyrus had just groaned in response, his shoulders slumping, He set the bottle back down on the table and swiped at his hairline. “Hey, TJ,”

TJ had looked between Cyrus and the bottle. “Need some help?”

Cyrus shook his head. “No, I’m supposed to do this myself, you know. Be a man and all that jazz,” he chuckles, cringing inwardly.

16. I’m cringy

17. I have no physical strength

TJ nodded, putting his hands in his pocket, before he’d stepped forward and grabbed the bottle. Cyrus had started to panic a little, but TJ assured him things would be fine. He’d started to open the bottle, just a little, and then had quickly handed it over to Cyrus to finish it off.

“All yours, dude,” he whispered, discreetly shuffling back towards the dance floor. Cyrus had stood stunned for a few moments, before he came to his senses and opened the bottle the rest of the way. It made a satisfying ‘pop!’ and the foam spilled over the neck. All of his family and friends were clapping, and if he squinted, he could see TJ, clapping his hands and smiling.

Things seemed near perfect that day. He hadn’t seen TJ for the rest of the party, but he assumed that he was enjoying himself. At the end of the day, when he was all dressed up in his dino pajamas, he heard his phone ding.

[TJ 🏀: hey that fortune teller at your party, is she for real?]

He had swore he was having some weird form of deja vu; what he said sounded just like what Buffy had said back at the party.

[Cyrus: no, she’s fake, she just likes to pretend she can see the future. why?]

[TJ 🏀: oh, she just said some pretty freaky stuff, like she was for real]

[Cyrus: rest assured, she cannot see the future]

[TJ 🏀: thank god]

[Cyrus: i, however, can. and i see you and me tomorrow at the spoon for taters]

[TJ 🏀: can you now? i’d love to but i have practice, sorry, maybe another time]

[Cyrus: yeah totally!!]

Cyrus had really hoped those exclamation points could mask his disappointment.

18. I get disappointed easily

19. I’m a burden

Had he already written that? He didn’t know, and he frankly didn’t care. If he wrote it twice, maybe it was really true.

After his bar mitzvah, things seemed to be pretty at bay. Buffy was playing well on the basketball team. Life with Andi seemed less dramatic than usual, and everyone seemed to be getting alone pretty well. That was, until he went to one of the basketball games and found TJ glaring at the court, not dressed in his uniform. He’d went over to check on him, but TJ had just brushed him off.

20. I’m a bother

21. I’m nosy

“Eating your feelings? I do that,” he’d tried to lighten the mood with a joke, but TJ’s face was a palette of annoyed and frustrated. The two of them had sat down at the table in the room adjacent to the court.

“Think they’ll win without me?” TJ had asked, his mind seeming to be anywhere else but in this conversation. It was weird not seeing him on the court, Cyrus agreed.

“I don’t even know who they’re playing,” he’d admitted with a shrug.

“The Raptors,” TJ had sighed, “I should be in that game.”

“Why aren’t you?” Cyrus had asked. Way to be direct, kid.

TJ grumbled. “‘Cause. . .I’m failing math. They won’t let me play basketball because I can’t do some stupid equations. How are those things even related?”

Cyrus had started putting pieces together, but he didn’t want to pry. He didn’t want to ruin the delicate friendship between him and TJ. “Maybe you should get a different tutor,” he’d suggested.

TJ had just brushed him off. “What I need is a different. . .brain.”

Cyrus had frowned, his brows knitting into confusion. “What’s wrong with yours?”

For the first time that day, TJ looked almost hesitant. “It doesn’t work. There’s a malfunction.”

That was one way to put it, Cyrus had thought.

“I might have this. . .math dyslexia,”

“Dyscalculia,” Cyrus had said, not missing a beat.

“Buffy’s the one who figured it out. She’s been bugging me to talk to Coleman. Constantly on my back about it,” TJ had sounded exasperated.

“It’s pretty common. Not worth replacing your brain over,” Cyrus had assured him, the beginnings of a smile starting to form.

TJ rolled his eyes. “Dude, it’s a-” he was cut off by a few people entering the room, and he clammed up immediately, waiting for them to leave. When he was certain they were out of earshot, he’d continued.

“. . .learning disability. I don’t wanna go around announcing that,”

Cyrus had felt awful; TJ didn’t deserve to feel like this. “Dude, that’s an overused buzzword. There is nothing wrong with you.”

TJ seemed to almost stop frowning at that. Cyrus couldn’t back it up with evidence, he had just said it.

“And, your teacher can’t fail you for having it.” Of course he couldn’t. He just regurgitated facts.

22. I’m not helpful

“Coleman can’t fail me,” TJ had repeated, the words tasting almost strange in his mouth.

“You could be playing basketball. Right now.”

TJ had groaned, leaning back in his chair. “And Buffy’s been right all along,” he’d mumbled, almost chuckling to himself, “At least this time I’ll mean it when I tell her she’s right. That really is her favorite thing to hear.”

Cyrus had cringed internally. “I shouldn’t have told you about that. She’d kill me if she ever found out.”

TJ had scoffed at that, shaking his head. “Ah, don’t worry. She won’t find out,” he had paused for a moment, “and she may have been right, but you’re the one who really helped me.”

Cyrus hadn’t known what to say at that. He felt oddly proud of himself, and seeing TJ smile a little just made the whole moment better.

“Cheese puff?” TJ had offered.

Cyrus shrugged. “Sure.”

That day had been a good one, Cyrus had concluded. TJ had found him helpful, which almost made him want to erase the previous thing he’d written. But, he figured, he’d end up rewriting it anyways later, so why change it now.

Besides, what had happened later with Buffy only made him wince. How could he have been so careless as to tell TJ his best friend’s weakness?

23. I’m a bad friend

24. I’m not trustworthy

25. I’m a backstabber

26. I can’t keep a secret

27. I’m a liar

‘He wants to be friends with me. Who knows why?’

He still thought about that sometimes. Why did TJ want to be friends with him? Not for his terrible humor, or for his nerdy jokes, that was for sure. TJ did seem to take pity on him after Buffy left.

“Cyrus, hey!” TJ had called out, jogging up to Cyrus’ locker, only to find him staring into the void. He had waved his hand in front of his face. “Earth to Cyrus?”

Cyrus had flinched, nearly hitting his head on his own locker. “Huh? Oh, hey TJ.”

“Something on your mind?”

Pity. Pity was all that his mind could chant at him, but somehow, he still ended up talking. “I miss Buffy,” he muttered, closing his eyes. It was only his first day back at school, and he was already miserable.

TJ had slung his arm across his shoulder, tugging him down the hallway towards the cafeteria. “I know you do. But hey, she’s just a call or a text away right?”

Cyrus just shrugged, keeping his gaze down. “I guess so,”

“Do you wanna sit with me and my friends at lunch?” TJ had offered.

Cyrus shook his head. “No, I’m okay. Thank you though, really. I’ll see you around.”

28. I push people away when they just want to help

Cyrus seemed to be pretty good at pushing people away. No matter how much he’d isolated himself from people, especially when Buffy was away, they still managed to make an effort to sneak back into his life. Well, less people and more TJ. He’d even apologized to a piece of metal in order to sit down with him and Andi. And then of course, in typical Cyrus fashion, he just let his emotions flow and texted him his list of things he couldn’t do.

29. I’m pathetic

He’d even taken time out of his day to, first of all, drag him out of the drama between Andi and Jonah, and second of all, to teach him how to do a somersault. He didn’t forget how his heart fluttered after they chest bumped. It felt like it did around Jonah. . .well, used to feel around Jonah.

Even when Buffy had said that his disappeared, he had lied slightly. At this point, he didn’t want to admit that his crush didn’t “disappear”, but it. . .moved, almost. It was like all his feelings transferred to TJ; the sweaty palms, the fluttering heart, and the indescribable desire to spend more time around him, preferably alone. Time spent alone with TJ was some of the best time of his life.

“Okay, so go over this one more time?” TJ had sighed, swirling his straw in his milkshake.

“So,” Cyrus started, clearing his throat, “I’ll find a way to get Buffy to the basketball courts, and then you show up, I’ll disappear, then you two can talk for a little, I’ll come back and then you guys will play some one on one,”

TJ had chuckled, leaning back in the booth. “Wow, you’ve really thought about this, huh?”

Cyrus was probably blushing now, and he tried to hide it by shrugging and sipping his milkshake. “Just a little bit,”

“Well, it’s a pretty good idea. You’re full of them.”

Cyrus was now for sure blushing. “Eh, I try.”

“You succeed.”

Why did he have to say these things? It only made Cyrus more and more and more flustered.

That day was one of his fondest memories with TJ. It was also probably when he realized how intense his crush really was. And when the day came for the basketball game, it was a little shaky, but it had worked out. Heck, TJ had even performed an apology rap for Buffy.

‘I’m so confused.’

So was Cyrus that day. He didn’t know why TJ had even agreed to go through all this effort just to apologize for Buffy. Maybe it’d be nice to befriend someone he liked, Cyrus thought. After all, that’s how it went for him and Jonah, but at least that crush was in the past.

30. I’m stupid

After Buffy had decided to start her basketball team, she had enlisted in Cyrus, and Andi a little, to help put up posters. Andi made them, Cyrus had to hang them. TJ had even offered to help him do that.

“Need some help down there?” TJ’s voice had floated down the hallway, a stupid grin on his face.

Cyrus had jumped one last time to try and pin the poster up, but to no avail. “Is it that obvious?”

TJ had chuckled at that, plucking the poster from his hands. “Huh. ‘Girls Basketball Tryouts This Week’. You trying out for the team, Underdog?”

Cyrus huffed at that, crossing his arms. “No. I’m just on poster-hanging duty. Which I seem to be failing at.”

“Here, I’ll help you,” he’d offered, handing the poster back to Cyrus.

Cyrus scowled, looking between the poster and TJ. “I told you that I couldn’t reach the-hey!”

And before Cyrus knew it his feet weren’t on the ground anymore. TJ had a firm grip on him, and Cyrus was just squirming.

“I could do it for you but, teach a man to fish?” he had repeated his mantra from when they first met each other.

“TJ, put me down!” Cyrus giggled, his legs kicking in the air.

TJ eventually gave in, putting him down, smiling widely. “Fine, fine, I’ll help put them up. The normal way.”

It had taken them way longer than expected to put up the posters, probably because they were just a chaotic duo, but Cyrus wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was way more fun than expected, even if it took a long time.

31. I waste people’s time

TJ was always one to push him out of his comfort zone, literally and figuratively. The day they went dirt biking was probably the epitome of that fact. The day was supposed to be a great one, seeing as he finally was getting around to meeting TJ’s friends. But things turned sour once Reed had shown him the gun. And when he confronted TJ about it, he barely said anything. Worse, he didn’t leave either. He was so concerned with his safety, as well as TJ’s, but still managed to walk off without him.

32. I’m careless

And then worse, he thought, was when he went to talk to Metcalf and the police about the gun. He felt so panicked the whole day after that encounter that he couldn’t even eat lunch. And considering he wasn’t allowed to talk to TJ all day, thanks to his friends, it felt worse. Don’t get him wrong, he appreciated what Buffy and Andi did for him, but he really wanted to clear things up with TJ. When they talked it out on the swings, he had no idea why he said the things he did.

“You can be a little annoying, you know that?” TJ had said, taking a step towards him.

33. I’m annoying

“Well, you can be oblivious,” Cyrus had countered weakly. He didn’t even know where the word oblivious came from. Oblivious to what? To the fact that sitting there with Reed was putting him in obvious danger? Or to the fact that Cyrus had an undeniable crush on him?

“Well you can be very judgy,” TJ had remarked, taking another step forward.

34. I’m judgy

“Well you can be intimidating,” Cyrus had replied, and was surprised his voice wasn’t wobbling.

“You know what else you are?”

That sounded like a threat. TJ could fill it in with any word in the world. Nosy. Irritating. Not my friend. He had told himself to keep his composure.

“What?” How he had managed to say that without his voice breaking was beyond him.

“The only person I can talk to like this,” he had said softer. Cyrus thought he was going to faint; he said what? He couldn’t help but smile at that.

That day seemed like light years away now, so far that it was nothing but a mere memory. He almost wishes he was back on the swingset with TJ, just swinging mindlessly. Or maybe he wants to go back to playing ping-pong with him and Jonah after they’d resolved their issues. It had been a bit of a stressful day for the most part, but seeing Jonah and TJ make up made it all worth it. Although, when they were talking about ‘stuff’ they had to do with, Cyrus had chickened out and said something about flamingos. He barely remembered, but he knew it was a lie. They’d played a few more round until Jonah decided to head over to the Red Rooster with Andi, leaving him and TJ.

“So, flamingos, huh?” TJ had chuckled, picking up the ping-pong balls that remained on the floor.

Cyrus had just shrugged, trying to ignore the fact that his heart was hammering in his chest: a clear sign that he was lying. Couple that with feeling like he couldn’t swallow, and you had a recipe for disaster.

“Yup,” he squeaked, putting the paddles on top of each other, “real and plastic,”

TJ had just hummed in response, leaning against the table. “So when we went to the zoo that time and you were spitting out facts about why flamingos are pink, while you pointed at them. . .your fear just happened to disappear then?”

Cyrus gulped, trailing his finger around the rim of the paddles. “That. . .that’s the day it started?” he’s said, but it sounded like a question.

TJ’s expression had softened, and he’d come up to Cyrus, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Stuff?”

Cyrus nodded weakly in response. “Yeah, stuff,”

“Swings?” TJ had offered.

Cyrus shook his head, nodding over to the stairs. “Stairs,” he’d mumbled, going and taking a seat on the second to the last stair. TJ had sat down beside him, and he didn’t push him to talk. He knew Cyrus would talk when he was good and ready.

“Look,” he started, “this. . .this is something that I think about a lot, you know? It’s not. . .something I’m ashamed of, I just don’t tell people that I don’t trust,” he admitted.

“Unless you killed someone I swear I’ll keep whatever you tell me a secret,” TJ had promised, crossing his heart, “and even then, I’d help you hide the body.”

Cyrus breathed out a laugh at that. “No, it’s not that it’s. . .I don’t like girls,” he said lamely, waving his hands in the air a little, “I mean, I-I like guys. Like, in a romantic way,”

TJ had remained quiet for a moment, waiting to see if Cyrus had anything else to say, but when he didn’t he just nudged him lightly. “I’m glad you told me. It was brave,” he paused, looking up to face him, “you’re brave, Cyrus. Braver than you give yourself credit for,”

Cyrus had smiled softly, breathing out and feeling like the oxygen was actually getting to his lungs. “So. . .we’re still cool? You and me?”

TJ had scoffed, nudging him once more. “Of course we are! It’ll take a lot more than this for things to be not cool between us.”

He kept thinking about that day; what if it wasn’t the best time to come out to TJ? What if he actually did think it was weird and was just trying to keep the situation as light as possible? All these what ifs, Cyrus concluded, could be boiled down.

35. I’m gay

He sighed, staring at that statement for a while. It was true, but the idea that TJ could hate him for something he couldn’t control. . .it hurt a lot. Almost too much, but he had to write down every possibility, every possible thing.

36. I’m weird

That one was a little more general, he supposed. Weird could cover a lot of things, not just being who he was, but all his nerdy hyperfixations, the way he acted around people, and his choice to never really go out with friends to parties. Too many reasons to list, so it was all boiled down to one word.

One word. That seemed to be all TJ could say after his dance recital that one weekend.

He’d finished the routine and was in the locker room wrapping up and putting his things into his duffel bag when they door swung open. TJ was walking his way, a hand behind his back.

“Wow,” he’d said, a gentle smile on his face.

Cyrus waited for him to say more, even along the lines of how ridiculous he’d looked on stage, flopping around like boiled pasta, but he didn’t say anything else.

“Wow? That’s it?”

“Wow, wow,” he repeated, pulling out a small dandelion from behind his back and handing it to Cyrus with a sheepish smile on his face, “. . .wow,”

Cyrus had accepted the flower graciously, and TJ had said something about catching up with his sister before he left for practice.

37. I’m a bad dancer

TJ somehow knew that dandelions were Cyrus’ favorite, probably from the numerous times he’d said that. He always knew just what to bring to every event, even to his Bubbe Rose’ shiva. How did he know to bring challah bread?

“Hey, Cyrus,” TJ had caught him alone, after the others had left and his family was cleaning dishes up and packing away food.

“TJ, hi,” he’d returned with a small smile, stacking one plate on top of another, “you know we’re wrapping up and all, you can go home,”

“I know,” he’d said, putting his hands in his pockets, “I just wanted to say that. . .I’m sorry for your loss. I know that she was really important to you, and I don’t know how much it’s going to mean coming from me, but. . .she cares about you a lot. We all do,” he’d gestured vaguely to the people around the room.

Cyrus had felt like crying right then and there, but he didn’t, somehow. He just smiled wider than before. “That does mean a lot, thank you, really. I know she does, I just. . .I miss her a lot already,”

“I know, and. . .if you ever want to talk about anything, tell me stories about her, or you just want me to distract you from this with a basketball story, I’m there.”

“Thank you, TJ. That means a lot.”

How had things managed to go from almost perfect, to the disastrous state that they were in now? He wanted to say that he didn’t understand, but he did. He knew that it had to do with himself, because that always seemed to be the problem. He always seemed to be the problem. The things he wrote just started to spill out of him.

38. I’m not worthy

39. I’m always the problem

40. I’m there when I’m not wanted

41. I’m a second-best person

42. I’m not attractive

43. I isolate myself from people

44. I’m a disaster

45. I’m annoying

He stopped writing for a second; the last words he’d written looked familiar. He scanned over the list and found that he’d written ‘I’m annoying’ three times. Sighing, he set the pen down and closed his eyes. Annoying. He’d written it so many times, that was probably the main reason, he deducted. With a shaky hand, he folded up the paper and shoved it into a backpack pocket of his. He didn’t feel particularly upset, he just felt numb, and a little tired. He managed to trudge down the stairs, where his mom was sitting and cutting up some vegetables for tonight’s dinner.

“Cyrus, sweetie, how are you feeling?” she asked sweetly, wiping her hands on the towel.

He just shrugged, unable to maintain eye contact for longer than a second. “Not. . .great. Is it okay if I stay home from school tomorrow?”

She softened at that, coming over to him and giving his shoulder a light squeeze. “I know you’re upset, but avoiding-”

“-just one day, please mom. I swear I’ll go back the day after. I promise. I just need tomorrow,” he pleaded, looking up at her, eyes filled with a layer of unshed tears.

She looked over his facial features for a few seconds before her shoulders relaxed, and she nodded weakly. “Okay, you have tomorrow, okay? Do whatever you need to do and if you want to be alone, that’s fine. If you need someone to talk to-”

“-I can call another therapist,” Cyrus half-joked, offering a tiny smile, “thanks, mom. I’ll be in my room for a little while. Think I’ll just take a nap.”

She nodded, watching him worriedly as he walked up the stairs and quietly shut the door to his room with a gentle click. He collapsed onto his bed, and he lied there forever until he felt like he couldn’t breathe through his nose. When did he start crying? Cyrus didn’t even know the answer to that simple question, and he was too weary to think about it. He pulled the covers over his head, closed his eyes, and waited for all the thoughts swirling around his head to settle down, before he finally fell asleep.

The next time Cyrus woke up, it was pretty dark outside, and he squinted at his alarm clock. It was close to eleven thirty, and he just sighed, grabbing his phone off of his stand and opened it to check through his notifications.. A few texts from Andi and Buffy in their group chat, one from Amber about dance, and none from TJ.

[buffy: hey cy are you okay?]

[andi: yeah, we’re worried. but we’ll talk to you tomorrow]

[cyrus: i’m not going tomorrow, i don’t feel well]

[andi: are you okay? do you need soup or something?]

[buffy: yeah do you need us to come over?]

[cyrus: no that’s fine, it’s not that bad, but i did manage to convince my mom to let me stay home]

[buffy: the talented actor mr cyrus goodman]

[cyrus: i’m not lying, it’s the truth, it’s just not the worst pain i could be in]

[andi: well if you need anything, just text us]

[cyrus: i will, i love you guys]

[buffy: we love you too!]

[andi: <3]

Cyrus felt drained just from that short conversation, and he put his phone aside, staring up at the ceiling. It irked him that TJ hadn’t sent him a text, especially after what had happened. If he wanted to apologize, which maybe he didn’t, a text would have been a start, because on Costume Day, there was nothing more than a few ‘I’m sorrys’ and ‘I should have called’. It wasn’t enough, not in the slightest, but as the days went on, desperation started to seep in, and Cyrus tried to convince himself that it was enough of an apology for him to just forget all of this happened. But no matter how many times he said that to himself in the mirror, he never could actually, genuinely believe himself. After a little more thinking about the matter, he pulled the covers back over his head, and fell asleep again.

“C’mon, c’mon,” TJ muttered under his breath, scanning through the hallway to try and find a certain brown-eyed boy walking through the hallways. But the more time that passed, the more his hope drained, and he retreated to his locker. Thankfully, he saw Buffy and Andi walking together, and nearly pushed people over to talk to them.

“Have you guys seen Cyrus today?” He asked, nearly out of breath, and looking mildly disheveled.

The two girls exchanged looks, not really wanting to talk to TJ at the moment, but they just gave him cold gazes. “He’s sick,” Buffy said simply.

“Wait, what? It’s, like, basically summer,” TJ sputtered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Andi shrugged. “All I know is that he said he felt too tired and too weak to come to school today. Should be back tomorrow,” she said curtly, pivoting on her foot and heading to her next class, Buffy following close behind.

TJ just stood in the middle of the hallway, dumbfounded. Cyrus wasn’t in school today, and he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. Tired and weak, they’d said. That didn’t sound like a typical cold, and he tried not to jump to the worst possible conclusion, but his mind didn’t allow him to do that. Cyrus was home because he wanted to avoid him. He couldn’t come to school because of TJ.

The whole day, TJ had been distracted. He couldn’t shake this vague nausea, because it was his fault. It was always his fault, it seemed. Everything was. He couldn’t concentrate in school, he missed almost all of his shots in basketball practice, and he didn’t get any of his homework done. All he did was stare at the words on the page and let them turn to mush as he shut the book angrily, rubbing his eyes harshly. He turned off the lamp and just scrolled through his phone. He wanted to send Cyrus a text, but he was too afraid. Too much of a coward. He’d typed out so many messages in his notes, but never sent any of them.

Overwhelmed by emotions, he shut his phone off and tried to sleep. It was a fitful attempt to sleep, and he was tossing and turning all night long, it felt like. He was sure that he had fallen asleep at some point, because after what felt like a longer blink, his alarm went off, and he just knocked it over to the ground with a groan.

Cyrus wished that he felt better after a day of just sleeping and watching YouTube videos, but he didn’t. He still felt just as drained and upset, if not moreso. When his mom served him breakfast, he told her that he wasn’t hungry, but that he was alright.

Having not done his homework due yesterday, he just circled random answers on the worksheets, and shoved papers into his backpack with a weak sense of urgency. He didn’t know how he was going to make it through the day without Andi and Buffy asking him a ton of questions. Don’t get him wrong, he loved them to death, but today was a day where he really couldn’t deal with talking to people, even them.

“Have a good day at school, Cyrus,” his mom called after him as he opened the door.

“I’ll try,” he mumbled, heading on his way. Sometimes TJ would wait for him in the morning, running from his hand and then the two of them would make their way to school, nearly hand in hand. The space around him felt almost too big as he walked, and he felt so small.

The bell was too loud, there were too many students, and Cyrus felt like a stranger in the school, only having been gone for a day, though. He almost forgot his locker combination, because his brain only wanted to focus on how weak his knees felt.

“Cyrus!”

All his thoughts came to a screeching halt at that sound. He knew damn well who it was, but all his brain seemed to chant was ‘danger, danger, pain, pain, pain, sadness’. He didn’t turn around, he didn’t even zip up his bag all the way, he just ran, who knows to what class. If his gym teacher could see him now, he would be beyond proud. Fortunately for him, he was running in the right direction, and ended up in his math class, nearly out of breath. He picked a seat near the back and tried to make sure that his teacher wouldn’t call on him. Unzipping his bag, he pulled out his notebook from his big pocket, and then a pencil from his small one.

Huh, he thought, zipping up the smaller pocket, it was kind of open. He tried not to linger on that for too long, as his teacher was about to start another lesson.

TJ could only watch him run off as he stood there. He felt his heart sinking deeper and deeper into his stomach, and was about to turn and walk off a small piece of paper fluttered near the corner of the pod of lockers. Moving with utmost casualty, he walked over and picked it up before walking to his next class. While TJ usually loved history, the piece of paper burning in his pocket demanded attention. He took his usual seat near the back of the classroom, and as his teacher started talking about the Civil War, he quietly pulled out the paper and smoothed it out under his desk.

He was a little confused at first; it was a list of insults someone had written about themselves. A quick glance over revealed that they had written ‘I’m annoying’ three times before they stopped. He squinted at the writing, and more he looked at it, the more worried he got. It looked an awful lot like Cyrus’ handwriting. His y’s were always curled at the bottom just so, his a’s were never fully closed, and the way he drew his 2’s were just like the ones on the page.

TJ felt his whole chest seize up. If Cyrus really did write this, which was becoming a much more real possibility with each passing moment, he couldn’t help but feel like this was his fault. Did he really make Cyrus feel like this? Like he was basically worth nothing? Putting aside his worries, he ignored whatever his history teacher was saying, and pulled out another sheet of paper, keeping Cyrus’ in his lap for reference. At least it looked like he was taking notes, since his teacher seemed to pay him no mind. And when the bell rang, he shoved both pieces of paper into his pocket and bolted out the door, looking for a certain boy.

Last period didn’t end fast enough, so when the bell finally did ring, Cyrus was the most excited that he’d been all day. He still had homework he needed to catch up on, along with today’s work, but all he wanted to do when he got home was to sleep more. He was almost out the door and ready to walk home, when he felt an urgent tapping on his shoulder. Turning around, he drew in a sharp breath. TJ.

“Hey,” TJ mumbled, tapping his fingers nervously against his jeans.

“What do you want, TJ?” Cyrus said. And it didn’t come out mean, or cruel, or cold. It was just tired, like he was on his way to something.

“This is only going to take a few minutes, please,” he practically begged, the urgency in his tone only growing. Being too tired to resist, Cyrus just shrugged, and TJ, wasting no more time, grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards an empty classroom, shutting the door behind him.

“Hurry up, I have things to do,” Cyrus mumbled, taking a seat on the top of a desk.

TJ nodded, and shakily pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. He felt like he was going to be sick, but he quickly handed it to Cyrus. When the other boy saw the paper, he immediately folded it back up, holding it close to his chest.

“Wh-where did you find this?” Cyrus squeaked, his voice on the edge of cracking.

“It was on the floor by some of the lockers,” he said softly, taking one of the chairs from under a desk and sitting in it, “when?”

Cyrus glanced up from his hands. “When what?”

“When did you write it?”

He toyed with the idea of lying to him. How would he know? But after a few moments of thought, he felt like there was nothing left to lose.

“The other day,” he admitted softly.

“Do you actually believe all the things you wrote? Cyrus, those are all lies,” TJ said firmly, scooting a little bit closer.

Cyrus shook his head, willing himself not to start crying, not here, and certainly not now. “Of course they’re true,” he grumbled, “why would you hate me if they’re not?”

TJ froze; if the rest of Cyrus’ words were a slap to the face, this was a stab right through his heart. He literally could not speak for several moments after he’d said that.

“I. . .you. . .you think I hate you?” He finally managed to say, his tongue feeling oddly dry.

Cyrus just shrugged again. “I mean, you bailed that day,” he said under his breath, kicking his legs underneath the desk.

TJ swore that if he wasn’t sitting down he would have fainted. “I. . .I mean, I’m really sorry for doing that, it was a crap move on my part, and there’s a sort of reason why I did but. . .I could never hate you, Cyrus, never.”

When Cyrus didn’t say anything, TJ pulled out the other piece of paper from his pocket, smoothing it out in front of him. “I swear this won’t take long, I’m just asking you to hear me out,” he looked up at Cyrus, who just motioned for him to hurry up.

TJ cleared his throat, tightly holding the piece of paper in his hand. “You’re not annoying, not at all,” he started, which barely garnered Cyrus’ attention.

“You are strong,” he continued.

“What the heck is going on?”

TJ put a hand up. “Just listen. You’re not helpless, if anything you’re an independent person. You don’t jump to conclusions too fast, if anything, you’re good at reading people from a first glance,”

Cyrus just furrowed his brows, listening to TJ talk. He glanced down at his list in his own hand, and it took him a few moments to realize that TJ was trying to counteract all the things that he’d written on his own list.

“But I do get scared too easily,” Cyrus mumbled, tracing his writing on the paper.

“That’s not a reason for anyone to hate you, Cyrus,” TJ assured him, “and. . .you’re not a bad judge of character, you’re actually pretty good at it. Great, even.”

“Pitiful,” Cyrus countered, crossing his arms in defense.

“Lies,” TJ cut him off before he could say more, “you’re not pitiful. And getting too comfortable with people you barely know? More like you can make friends really easily.”

“Yes, but,” Cyrus squints down at his own list, “I’m scared of stupid things.”

TJ shook his head. “No, you’re rational. You have rational fears,” he says, looking at the next thing, “and ‘wanting things that you can’t have’? You have goals and dreams that you want to achieve. I have no idea how you thought that anyone could hate you because of that. Getting happy at dumb things? Seeing you smile is one of the best part of my days, and I don’t even care what you smile about. It really doesn’t matter.”

If Cyrus didn’t know any better, he would have thought that he and TJ were back into their normal routine. He just looked at his list, and mumbled “dork.”

TJ’s face grew harder by the moment, and he gripped the side of the chair with his free hand to try and keep his emotions at bay. “You are not a dork, Cyrus. And, for that matter, you’re not clingy, you’re not desperate, or a geek, or cringy. Not in the slightest.”

Cyrus sighed. “Look TJ, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but you don’t need to pity me like this.”

His eyes widened, and for a second, nothing came out of his mouth except for a squeak. “You think this is pity? This isn’t pity, I’m just telling you the truth about yourself, because your mind seems to only think you’re the worst. Which you’re not, you’re my favorite person.”

TJ took a deep breath before continuing. “Physical strength? What’s that got to do with someone hating you? You don’t get disappointed easily, I know that for a fact, and,” he pauses, hesitantly reaching up and placing a hand on Cyrus’ shoulder, “you are not a burden. Please don’t say that about yourself.”

“But,” he pauses, looking down at his paper, “I am a bother, and nosy.”

“You’re not, not at all. And also, you are extremely helpful, Cyrus. You haven’t helped just me, but so many people. You’re a great friend, and all this nonsense of not being trustworthy or anything like that? It’s a complete lie.”

“Even if I do try to help people, when they try and help me, I push them away,” Cyrus said, glancing at TJ’s hand, which was still on his shoulder. He didn’t do anything to push him off, because honestly, the contact felt nice after a period of the cold shoulder.

“And people should hate you for that? It’s a coping mechanism, you should know that better than anyone,” TJ informed him, “and you are one of the smartest people I know, Cyrus. You’re not stupid, or pathetic, where did you even get that idea?”

“But I do waste people’s time,” he countered weakly, looking down at his lap.

TJ was so upset that Cyrus actually believed the things that he’d written about him, that it just made him want to crumple right then and there. “You don’t. You care so much about people, and you are always there when they need it. And you have annoying on here again, but that’s not true.”

Cyrus glances up at him when he says that. “But you said that I was.”

TJ raised his brows. “I’d never say that. When did I say that?”

“That day at the swings, after the whole Reed thing. You said that I was annoying. And judgy for that matter,” he muttered.

TJ sighed, bowing his head. “It. . .look, I’m sorry for saying that, but in the heat of the moment, I was upset because. . .I thought I was going to lose you. And I couldn’t bear that.”

The two of them were quiet for a little while, the only sound being the ticking clock up on the wall. Finally, TJ looked at the next things on the list, and felt like he was going to cry.

“Cyrus, look at me,” he said firmly, meeting the other boy’s gaze, “I will never, and have never, hated you because of who you are. You being gay is just part of who you are, and is not a reason for me, or anyone else for that matter, to hate you,” he pauses for a moment, “especially me. It’d be pretty hypocritical.”

Cyrus almost smiles at that. Almost. He instead just seems to relax, a breath passing through his lips. “I’m still weird though.”

TJ just shrugged. “Weird is good though. Why would anyone want to be normal?”

Cyrus gave a weak smile at that, feeling a little lighter with each of TJ’s words. “That doesn’t change the fact that I’m a bad dancer.”

TJ crossed his arms. “I’ve seen you in the studio, Cyrus. You’re not a bad dancer. You’re always smiling, and you get this little smirk on your face when you’re concentrating really hard. It’s cute.”

Cyrus ducked his head at that, and tried to tell his mind that he was still supposed to be mad at TJ, not fall for all his compliments. Before he could even say anything else, TJ beat him to it.

“You are worthy of everything, okay? You deserve the world. If anyone’s a problem, it’s me, not you. And you are certainly not a second best person. You’re my first choice, always have been. The fact that you isolate people is, again, a coping mechanism for when you’re upset. You’re not a disaster, and never have been. And I hope this time you believe me when I say you’re not annoying.”

Cyrus nodded weakly; it felt really nice to hear someone tell him that he was their first choice. It was like he was wanted.

“And. . .don’t say you’re not attractive. You’re. . .” he hesitates a little, barely able to look him in the eye, “you’re beautiful, Cy, okay? All of you. Your smile, your laugh, your personality especially.”

Cyrus opened his mouth to say something, but again, TJ beat him to it.

“Kira was going to out me if I didn’t do the costume with her. I’m sorry that I bailed and I’m sorry that I didn’t let you know, I was just so scared that she was going to tell people and I didn’t-”

“-TJ, slow down,” Cyrus cut him off, reaching out for his hand and giving it a soft squeeze, “I forgive you, okay? And. . .thank you for this. I feel a lot better now. And for the record,” he laughs a little, “I think you’re pretty handsome yourself.”

Now it was TJ’s turn to try and hide his blush. He looked down at their hands, and couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks,” he mumbled bashfully, “I try.”

Cyrus smiled, hopping off of his desk and standing. “I’ve missed talking to you. What do you say we go get some ice cream and catch up?”

TJ stood up with him. “I’d love that.”

And after two rounds of ice cream and way more laughing and talking, they fell back into their normal rhythm, with a little more hand holding and hugging. But after today, their relationship was all the more stronger. When he went home that day, Cyrus through his list in the garbage, and pinned up TJ’s list to the board in his room. Even when he was having a bad day, he could always look at that list and smile.

#andi mack #tyrus #tyrus fic #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #my fics

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goddessmuacheat-blog · 4 years

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Goddess MUA Cheats

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yandere-dbh-imagines-blog · 5 years

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Breakup [Peter Parker]

(A/n): Another fic for a Yandere Peter Parker, cuz I love this boi. A day late, please forgive me. Hope y’all like it tho!

No one requested this per se but I love Marvel’s Spiderman (2018) and Peter Parker too much to not do more with his character.

Yandere Peter Parker x reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Warning: Yandere - dark themes

Peter winces as he enters his apartment with a limp to his walk. His last fight with Mister Negative’s henchmen left him sore and wounded, but he knew it wasn’t anything that wouldn’t heal. Crime-fighting works up quite the appetite as it turns out, Peter searching the fridge for some celebratory leftover pizza.

Smiling in victory, he swiped the last remaining slice, nudging the fridge door closed with his foot as he chowed down on the delicious pizza. Falling flat on his bed, he checked his Twitter feed, finding his earlier brawl downtown to be trending. Scrolling through endless amounts of comments, his attention was diverted as a text message from you popped up on his phone.

[Y/n]

Hey, Peter. You busy? I need to talk to you

Setting his pizza to the side for the moment, Peter quickly texted back.

Peter

No, I’m free. I’ll swing by

Suiting up, Peter finished the last bite of his pizza before pulling on his mask and launching himself from his apartment window. Arriving at your apartment within 15 minutes, Peter slipped in through a window. Taking off his mask, he found you standing in front of him, quirking your eyebrows as you teased him, “I don’t know if you heard of it, but there is something called a door.”

Snickering at your sarcasm, Peter jokes, “Pssh, doors are overrated.”

The two of you smiled at one another before you cast your eyes to the floor with a somber expression upon your face. Peter immediately noticed the change in your mood and went to comfort you, directing you to sit on the couch nearby.

Sitting next to you with his arms draped over your shoulders, he asked worriedly, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” When his only response from you was a shake of your head, Peter added, “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

When you turned towards him, facing him with a look of remorse as tears pooled in your eyes, Peter felt as if his stomach was being tied into knots. After taking a deep breath, your voice low and sorrowful as you confess, “I love you, Peter - I really do, but I don’t think I can do this anymore...” You trailed off, unable to continue speaking as your throat constricted as you felt like you were on the verge of crying.

Meanwhile, Peter was lost in his thoughts as he heard those words drift from your mouth. Were you breaking up with him? No, you couldn’t be. Right? Blinking rapidly, Peter released a shaky exhale as he stammered, “What - I don’t understand...W-What are you trying to say, [Y/n]?”

Though part of him knew exactly what it was you were trying to say, he wanted - no, he needed to hear those words from your mouth. You abruptly stood up, facing away from Peter as tears streaked down your face as you reluctantly admitted, “Peter, this relationship between us isn’t working out.” Gaining the confidence to face him, you continued, “I want to break up.”

At that, Peter averted his gaze from yours, covering his mouth as he was racked with grief. After a short silence between the two of you, Peter stood, shaking his head as he got to his feet. He looked at you with such a wounded gaze, you easily catching the build up of tears in his eyes. Shaking his head again, he approached you and grabbed you by the shoulders. Peter bit into his lip before he plead, “Please, [Y/n], tell me you don’t mean this. Please jus-”

Cutting him off, you shook your head in response to his claims, apologizing to Peter, “I’m sorry, Pete. I’m so sorry. I-I don’t want to do th-”

“Then don’t.”, Peter urged, his eyes begging you to reconsider your decision.

Angered, you snapped, “You think it’s that easy? You think I want to do this? Because I don’t. I mean, I thought I had what it took to be your girlfriend - Spider-Man’s girlfriend, but I don’t.”, breaking down, you sobbed, “Every time I hear about some dangerous villain wreaking havoc or some attack somewhere, I know that you’ll be right in the middle of it, risking your life. I just...I can’t bear to lose you anymore, Pete.”

Peter tried to speak once more but you shushed him with a tight hug, “I love you, Peter. I always will, but please don’t make this any harder. Just go.”

With tears now falling freely from his eyes, he nodded, leaving your apartment without a single word.

In the few weeks that come afterward, Peter is still in denial of your breakup, leaving you many text messages and voicemails - all of which go unread, begging you for a second chance until you blocked his number.

Peter’s furious when he realizes that you’ve blocked his number, throwing his phone across the room in anger. Did your relationship really mean that little to you - did he mean that little to you?? All those years spent together, beautiful memories the two of you created and shared, all of that was to be forgotten just like that?

Maybe the average guy would have understood and moved on, but then again Peter’s not the average guy. He couldn’t let you just slip out from under his fingers that easily. So, Peter takes to stalking your social media account to see everything going on in your life seeing as he’s been cut from it.

And while you’re unaware of it, Peter is always close by. Whether it’s when you’re out with friends or running errands by yourself, he’s always keeping a close eye on you. He could be close and amongst the crowd of faces or watching you from afar from rooftops.

You’ll often feel the weight of his gaze burning holes into the back of your hear throughout the day; however, when you can find no one in sight, you chalk it up to your imagination.

Peter also swings by your apartment for short visits, bugging the apartment so that he could both hear and see you 24/7. And yes, Peter knows it might be a little bit creepy and may be illegal, but he’s not exactly in the right mind to care about those things, at least not when it concerns you.

Months pass and it only gets worse, Peter’s unable to get you out of his mind no matter how hard he tries. Watching you from a distance no longer works for him like it used to. No, Peter needs to have you by his side like you once were. He couldn’t stand for anything less.

His unhealthy obsession with you begins to take a toll on him and there is a noticeable change to Peter’s personality. He’s less productive in his work with Dr. Octavius, less passionate when helping May around the center, and unable to focus on anything unless it happened to involve you in some way.

However, what finally drives Peter off the deep end is when he recognizes you from across the street, sitting outside a bistro with your hands caressed by another man’s.

Had your relationship meant so little to you that you had already moved on?

The thought of that spent Peter’s world spiraling down. Deciding to intrude on your romantic date, he pretended as if he had just so happened to be passing by when he spotted the two of you, Peter calling out in surprise, “[Y/n], is that you??”

His voice seemed to startle both you and the man who sat across from you as you turned to face Peter with a look of shock in your eyes. Standing up from your table, you seemed hesitant to greet him as you laughed nervously, “Oh, hey Pete. I, um, I didn’t expect to see you here.” You said, smiling awkwardly.

Feigning innocence, Peter replied smoothly, “Oh yeah, I was just you know, out running some errands for Aunt May.”

After an awkward silence, you announced, “Well, if you don’t mind Peter, I’m kinda in the middle of something here.”, gesturing to your date for the evening.

Peter once again acted surprised, directing his attention to your date, “Oh. I-I didn’t know.” Reaching across the table, he shook the man’s hand as he introduced himself, “I’m Peter, by the way. You?”

The man gave Peter a smile before replying, “Jake...So, how exactly do you know [Y/n]?”

“Oh, she didn’t tell you? I’m her ex.” That remark earned Peter a sharp jab to the ribs courtesy of your elbow.

Jake seemed to grow uncomfortable with Peter’s comment, shifting in his seat. Obviously uneasy, Jake sat up from his chair, saying, “Listen, I had a great time but I’ve gotta get going now. Call me later, ‘kay?”

With your date for the evening now gone, you turned to Peter, shooting him a glare. Letting out a huff of frustration, you turned your ire towards Peter as you scoffed, “So, you just so happened to be in the neighborhood, huh?”

Before Peter could reply, you had turned your back to him, leaving him to his thoughts. Staring longingly at your figure in the distance, Peter released a disheartened sigh before turning towards the direction where your date had gone. Peter knew he couldn’t have gotten too far, setting off to find him and have a ‘little chat’ with the man.

Peter was deadset on calling you his again one day, one way or another. But for now, if he can’t have you, no one can.

Tagging: @mywigglybaby & @wolfmothar

If you’d like to be tagged for any/all characters or specific requests, please just message me and I will gladly add you!

#Yandere Peter Parker #Yandere x reader #yandere spider-man #marvel's spider-man #Peter Parker x reader #spider-man x reader #yandere fic #yandere oneshot #i love this boi #sorry for the delay #breakup Peter Parker #not as good as it was in my head

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randomvarious · 4 years

Video

youtube

S Club 7 - “S Club Party” Now That's What I Call Music! 6 Song released in 1999. Compilation released in 2000. Pop

We love the overly transparent crass commercialism of the 90s and early 2000s, don’t we folks? S Club 7 were the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed septet of British teens and 20-somethings that were concocted in a lab and thrust upon hordes of impressionable tweens across the world. The story of S Club 7 is a rather gross one that consists of young and attractive, moderately talented people being taken advantage of by their manager and his company to churn out gobs of content without just compensation. If you’re an American of a certain age, you probably know a little something about S Club 7. Their ballad, 2000′s “Never Had a Dream Come True,” peaked at #10 and #8 on the Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard Mainstream Top 40, respectively. Two of S Club 7′s other biggest global hits, the Jackson 5-inspired “Bring It All Back” and “S Club Party” never charted in the US, but lots of Americans still seem to be familiar with them.

S Club 7 was the brainchild of Simon Fuller, one of history’s most successful music managers, who had managed the Spice Girls. Fuller was known for manufacturing a bunch of British boy and girl bands throughout his career and, at the time, also managed Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics and athletes, too. After helping the Spice Girls skyrocket into global superstardom as a brand that sold itself on a gimmicky blend of “girl power” and quirky British-ness, Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) orchestrated his firing. Citing his unbearably controlling nature and his marketing schemes, the Girls decided to proceed without Fuller.

But the day after his firing, Fuller was back at it. This time, he decided he would start a new band, but rather than it being a boy band or a girl band, it would be a boy-and-girl band, modeled after an idea put forth by another British group, Steps. Steps are a quartet, and while they’ve achieved little to no success in the US, they have enjoyed wild success in Europe, especially in the UK. And they’re still around. After a five year hiatus that followed a twelve year hiatus, Steps released an album in 2017 that reached #2 on the UK charts.

But they weren’t a Fuller group. Fuller seemed to have the connections and gravitas that Steps’ managers didn’t. To start his new group, Fuller held an audition of an astonishing 10,000 people, which eventually was culled down to seven. These seven would then be formed into a group and be dubbed S Club 7. None of the members had known each other prior, but according to all the articles I could find, they hit it off and they all became close friends.

With this crop of kids, Fuller saw dollar (or pound or Euro) signs. S Club 7 were going to be way more than just a pop group; they were going to be a marketable brand. And to achieve that goal, the first thing they were going to do was not get into the recording studio, but instead shoot a fictional TV series to air on CBBC (Children’s BBC) to introduce themselves to British pre-teens. Each character would have their own personality, which would be loosely based on their true selves, and together the group’s adventures would strengthen their bond. And each episode would consist of a choreographed song performance, too. The first season, set in Miami, would depict the seven constantly being exploited by a seedy hotel manager and made to perform housekeeping duties.

Unfortunately, these fictional circumstances were loosely based on their own reality. Over twelve weeks of shooting in Miami, the group worked tirelessly for eighteen hours per day, and after a long day’s work, would have to take care of their own cooking and laundry. Fuller and his company, who were flush with cash, didn’t provide S Club 7 with any of these needed amenities. The S Club 7 TV series would become an immense hit in the UK and ended up being sold to 120 different countries. As a result, each group member pulled in 52,000 Euro; a total pittance compared to the total sum of all the TV contracts the show received.

Seven months after its UK debut, the S Club TV series would make its way stateside on kids’ TV purgatory, Fox Family. Formerly The Family Channel, which was founded by horrible and insane Christian shitbag grifter, Pat Robertson, it would be acquired by NewsCorp. Fox would control the network’s programming, save for some hours in which Robertson’s daily spoonful of Christian conservative nonsense, The 700 Club, would air. Admittedly, for a time, I was an avid viewer of Fox Family (except when 700 Club was on), but I’m pretty sure I was rare. Year after year, Fox Family would try to replenish its lineup with new shows to attract new viewers, but they failed to peel many eyes off of the likes of Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and the Disney Channel.

The release of the S Club TV series in the U.S. coincided with the group’s debut album. And maybe it was the fact that they only managed to get on Fox Family that led to them peaking at an unimpressive #112, but back home, they topped charts. The TV series-first formula more than paid off (for Fuller, though. Not so much for S Club 7). “Bring It All Back,” the group’s first single, which was released two months after the TV show’s debut, went to #1 in the UK. Its follow-up, “S Club Party” topped out at #2. And their debut album reached #2 as well.

And along with the TV show and the music came all the merchandise. Dolls, makeup, perfume, clothes, school supplies, a PC game, you name it. If there was an object that a kid could use, Fuller wanted it to bear the S Club name. There were also more seasons of TV and movies, too. And Fuller would reap great profits from all of it, but once again, S Club 7 saw minuscule returns from their name and likenesses being marketed and sold.

Fuller’s cartoonishly-evil-yet-real-life-record-executive persona became more than apparent during a meeting between he, S Club 7, and some of the members’ parents. Asking how they could receive such little compensation as Fuller and his company made millions off of their efforts, Fuller told the members that he could replace them on stage with cardboard cut-outs and it wouldn’t make a difference. Fuller would also be publicly shamed by a radio DJ when it was revealed that while the S Club kids were traveling the world and making him literally millions, he flew them in economy class. Only after his miserliness was made public did he bump them up to business class.

And although Fuller knew the right people to get his band spoonfed to British kids, it didn’t mean S Club’s songs were bad for what they were. They were well-produced bubblegum pop. Five songs on the debut album ended up being produced by a Norwegian duo called Stargate. Total unknowns at the time, Stargate went on to write or produce for some of the pop world’s most successful groups and artists, including Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, Lionel Richie, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Beyoncé, Rihanna, Selena Gomez, Janet Jackson, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Sam Smith, Mary J. Blige, Ne-Yo, Katy Perry, Coldplay, P!nk, Sia, Kylie Minogue, Carly Rae Jepsen, and Charli XCX. Throughout their careers, Stargate have managed to rack up a whopping seventeen Grammy noms, including four wins But before building up that long list of accolades, they began with S Club 7.

The first single Stargate ever produced was “S Club Party”. A piece of sunny and breezy, anthemic kids’ pop, this song is a natural earworm. Underneath mostly loud and shouted vocals, Stargate weave a celebratory, feelgood g-funk whine throughout the choruses as a series of electro-funk synths and string and horn stabs predominate the rest. The first verse, sung solo by member Jo, proceeds from relative sparseness to an addition of hand claps and a simmering choir of backup vocals, before launching into the undeniably catchy chorus. The four female members soothe in unison as the boys contrast with revelrous chants. In the post-chorus, the girls get in on the chanting, too. The second verse, which packs more energy than the one that precedes it because it’s sung in unison, introduces each member of the group with a simple rhyme. Following the bridge, the song undergroes an unexpected key change, which raises the enjoyment, and as the song fades out, Bradley, the group’s lone black member, does some light scatting.

You know, Fuller admitted that since he was fired by the Spice Girls, there were some ideas he had had for them that he wasn’t able to use, and instead used for S Club 7. Maybe musically, he wasn’t quite finished with that g-funk infused pop sound. The Spice Girls’ “Say You’ll Be There” has that summery g-funk pool party vibe much like “S Club Party” does. Just a thought.

Here’s the music video, which shows the group transporting back to a California desert in 1959 to race a bunch of people. A choreographed song and dance seemingly materialize out of thin air, too: It comes from the movie they shot called Back to the ‘50s.

youtube

For the next few years, S Club 7 continued to release high-charting hit after high-charting hit in the UK, but in 2002, band member Paul decided to leave. This ultimately resulted in possibly the worst sentence ever written on Wikipedia:

Talking about his former musical venture three months before he left S Club 7, Paul Cattermole described his school nu metal band — called Skua— as having a "Limp Bizkit vibe" as well as comparing their style to Rage Against the Machine.

Wat.

Following Paul’s departure, S Club 7 shortened their name to S Club and continued to make hits. However, their star was clearly fading, and in 2003, they agreed to a mutual split. In 2008, some of the members got back together and formed S Club 3. In 2014, they expanded by a member and became S Club Party. Eight months after that, all seven members regrouped for a reunion tour to cash in on some nostalgia. Needless to say, Simon Fuller was involved, and hopefully, the contracts weren’t as exploitative this time around. In the meantime, Fuller would continue unabated, amassing management deals with the likes of Carrie Underwood, Amy Winehouse, and Kelly Clarkson. In 2001, he launched Pop Idol, which would be imported to the States as American Idol.

Now you know more than you thought you’d ever know about S Club 7. It’s tragic how Fuller treated them, but the group is responsible for some great turn-of-the-millennium pop hits, despite how manufactured and seemingly preordained their success was. Oh well, we can’t help what we listened to when we were kids and nostalgia has a way of making us love things we definitely wouldn’t as adults. Nothing wrong with coming to terms and embracing that fact.

Stay the fuck inside you freaks.

#pop #pop music #bubblegum pop #music #90s #90s music #90's #90's music #90s pop #90's pop #90s pop music #90's pop music #90s bubblegum pop #90's bubblegum pop

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hollowcrovvn · 5 years

Text

The Ostensive Fumblings of Being Human (part 3)

Pairing: Connor x female!reader Rating: T (please note rating change) Summary: Set two months after the ending of Detroit: Become Human, androids are living in government created “pop-up” communities while efforts are being made to integrate them into society. You are a grad-student volunteer with the Detroit Crisis Response Unit (DCRU), working to help with relief efforts. And now, finally it’s time for that coffee.

Notes: Disclaimer: I am obsessed with Machiavelli so it was only a matter of time before I threw him in here. And by obsessed I mean I loathe most of his points of view and like some of them. It's a love-hate thing. One of my first “date questions” is always on Machiavelli and I feel like it is very relevant given the upheaval and changes in the “government” in the end of the game as a result of the revolution.Though his bit on Moses is making me have all the Markus-needs-to-eventually-appear inklings. (part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6) (part 7) (ao3)

It had started as just a regular conversation on interests, tucked in the back of the coffee shop where there were nice sleek couches to lounge in, but had divulged into an intense debate on one of the most important topics of the past-- Kindles.

“Okay. The world treated eReaders like the devil in the early 2010s. Now? Can barely find a printed book anywhere.”

“Which has cut down on mass deforestation since paper is no longer in high demand.” Connor noted, playing devil’s advocate so perfectly it was enough to make a conflict addicted girl swoon.

“Exactly! So why all the fuss back when? Cause of some preoccupation with nostalgia ? Even now you got guys like Hank who bemoan the loss of paperbacks, as if we’re all gonna forget how to read in the meanwhile.”

Connor smiled and reached out, plucking the sleeve of your jacket aka the remake of the 2003 Canada Goose brand. He sat back, looking pleased with himself as you grumbled into your second latte. Granted, it hardly looked like coffee at all but more like chocolate milk with the amount of creamer you’d had them use. You’d refused to order your usual, to Connor’s chagrin. He had not yet it seemed formed an opinion to what your actual favorite was.

“It’s different! They responsibly source the materials for those coats now.” you insisted, but Connor only smiled and smiled, refusing to concede to your point. As if he had any room to talk. This man had at least four different styles, alternating between professional, casual professional, street and hipster circa 2010. He mixed them sometimes to interesting effects. You were pretty sure he spent the majority of his paycheck on clothes.Then again, after spending most of his life being forced to wear the same damn android branded attire, you could hardly blame his enthusiasm.

“One could argue the shift to electronics however, is contributing to the climate change phenomenon.” Connor added, picking up the paperback book in question that had started this conversation. It was one of Hank’s, which was shocking. The Prince by Machiavelli. You half wondered if it was meant to be a joke on Connor’s expense or if Hank had actually recommended something halfway decent, if not a bit pessimistic, for the Android to learn about.

You huffed, “So we’re killing the planet no matter what. Great. Cheery. I need another coffee.”

Connor’s LED whirled, blinking before settling a solid blue. “Your pulse is elevated to 97 beats per minute and your blood pressure has raised by 8 and 6 points in systolic and diastolic blood pressure, respectively. I would advise switching to water.”

“How do you know that's from the caffeine and not your innate magnetism .” you said, trying to lower your voice to a “sultry” level, but only managing to laugh.

“That would be highly improbable. I emit no traceable magnetic fields.”

Then the mother fucker winked .

You had begun to realize the parts of his personality you thought were intentional deadpan humor, were in fact, just deadpan facts. That one though? Definitely intentional . He picked up the book, thumbing open the pages that were dogeared and worn.

“Published in 1532, a political treatise by Italian diplomat and political-theorist, Niccolo Machiavelli. Considered one of the first books of modern philosophy, it’s topics range from human nature, military prowess, governments and history.”

He flipped to a specific page that you could tell had been once been highlighted and circled several times, now faded with time. Once upon a time, maybe Hank had noted it.

“Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel.” he read aloud, perfect and clear. You shut your eyes and listened.

“Every one sees what you appear to be, few--” he stopped abruptly, drawing your attention upward. He swallowed, his throat bobbing, “Few... really know what you are.”

His LED flickered yellow for a few seconds and then faded back to blue. You didn't really have the heart to tell him the quote was being taken wildly out of context, because it fit too well. It spoke to him. Let it mean what he wanted it to mean.

“This should be a very interesting read. Have you read it?” he asked, turning to the beginning of the book.

“Oh yeah, me and about 100 other people in PHI 1100. “Contemporary Moral Issues”. After I limped my way through the introductory course, I managed to do somewhat decent there.”

“Do you enjoy philosophy?”

“I tolerate it. Barely. With clenched teeth. I think it’s all well and good to “feed your mind” as Dolce would say, as long as your stomach is full. That’s not a common thing for the poor though so philosophy has always seemed to me as… well, a rich-man’s way to kill time.”

You swished the remaining dregs of your latte around in the bottom of your cup.

“I think it’s real easy to sit on high telling people they need to think of this, or that when you don’t have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.”

Connor gave a wry smile, “Then it is a good thing I don’t eat. I will need to read a few more selections before I form a more in depth opinion.”

“Knock yourself out, hipster. I’ll send you all my ebooks I had to get for the classes if you want.”

He perked up, the LED on his temple spiraling.

“My designation code should appear now on your phone for upload.” he said with excitement. His eyes held onto yours patiently, the intensity of it making you flounder, quickly grabbing your phone. Sure enough there was a message that a “RK800” unit was attempting to sync to your device.

[ allow synchronization? y/n? ]

You clicked yes and watched as the phone took on a mind of its own, files opening and flipping at rapid speed until it settled upon your digital library. You set the phone down carefully, eyes flicking between Connor and the device. He had that same far away look Josh got when accessing the web. It took only a few seconds before your phone flashed the words the same time Connor spoke them,

“Upload completed. Thank you, reading these should be very…” he paused, “Fun.”

“And I thought I needed to get out more.” you said, enjoying the bright look of wonder on Connor’s face as his eyes flickered back and forth, clearly already browsing the new selection.

“It doesn’t bother you, does it?” he said, tilting his head, “I should have clarified if you meant to send them now.”

“It’s definitely gonna take some getting use to if you make a habit of connecting to my phone, but nah, it doesn’t bother me.” you said, but Connor still looked skeptical so you continued, “I’m a little jealous to be honest, woulda made reading those bricks easier if I knew you three years ago.”

“It is very efficient. However, no more so than any other academic assistant android you could have purchased then.”

You felt a twist in your chest at the way he said “purchased” so easily when you could tell by the faint grimace on his face that the idea was as disturbing now to him as a “deviant” as it was to you.

“I meant like a classmate,” you quickly added, “Like the way we are now.”

“You study urban planning, not philosophy. Perhaps I should browse those texts as well so we can have more “classmate” simulate conversations.” he said, tilting his head to the other side as if considering the idea further.

“We can always talk about you.” you said, “What do you like?”

His head tilted slightly further, he almost looked like a puppy when he did that, brown eyes soft and always, always curious.

“I enjoy solving cases with Hank-- Lieutenant Anderson. I enjoy calibrating my reflex drive with coin tricks. I like talking with--”

You held up a hand, “Whoa whoa, back up! Coin tricks?!”

Your sudden enthusiasm seemed to take him off guard, but within a moment he produced a quarter from his pocket. He let it slowly walk across his knuckles one way and then faster backwards. You watched, rapt in attention and smiling bright.

“What else?!” you asked and Connor gave a lopsided smile, standing up.

“I need a bit more room for this one. Okay. So-- first you flip.” he said and did so, flipping the coin up once in the air, “And then--”

He flicked it so fast from one hand directly into the other that you almost missed it. Your entire face broke open, “Ooooohh my god! Do that again!”

He was more than happy to oblige, this time flicking the coin back rapidly and then ending by catching it between two fingers.

“Okay you have got to teach that one to me.”

“I’m not sure if you’d be able to get it without a lot of practice, but-- here.” he took your hand in his, carefully directing you to hold your fingers in a scissor shape the way he had. His eyes were intensely focused as he moved you exactly where he needed, carefully stepping behind you and placing his hands on your hips.

“Stand a bit more grounded.”

He nudged your shoe with his and you complied, hoping he wasn’t registering the heat rising up in your face. Was he holding on just a bit longer than was really even needed? A bit tighter? You could just barely feel the brush of his shirt at your back, leaning towards it.

“Don’t move.” he said, a soft command. You stood back up straight.

He came around to stand at your side, not even noticing the small gathering of people who were now watching the pair of you.

“Alright. Ready?”

You nodded.

“Just... hold… still.”

He paused, LED whirling for a moment before he flicked the coin and it found itself, trapped perfectly between your index and middle finger. You all but squealed, laughing with unbridled delight.

“That was so freakin’ cool! Can we do it again?”

But before Connor could take the coin from you, a man pushed over to the sitting area and scowled.

“Hey. No fuckin’ tin-can’s. Did you not see the sign lady?”

You were caught off guard, but Connor immediately straightened.

“Sign? There aren’t anymore signs.” you said, remembering that there was no tell tale red sign with a blue triangle issuing that androids were not allowed when you entered.

“There should be. There was. Now we gotta deal with these plastic freaks acting like they own the damn city.”

He looked Connor up and down with measured disgust, eyes lingering on the LED that was quickly flashing yellow.

“You should keep your pet at home.” the man continued, “You don’t see people bringing their dogs where others eat.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to please return to your table.” Connor’s voice was more mechanical than you had heard it before, measured and even, despite the yellow light flickering.

“I detect levels of ethanol on your breath. A bit early for a nightcap, isn’t it?” Connor continued and the man’s expression switched quickly to shocked and then pissed.

“Keep your fuckin’ eyes off me, freak.” he said, shoving Connor, who did not even move a fraction. “Public intoxication is a misdemeanor under Section 750.168 of the Michigan penal code. I advise you take your coffee home, sir, and sober up .” Connor said, standing up way too far into this guy’s space to be mistaken for anything but an invitation that said, Hit me, do it. I dare you.

You moved forward, quickly slipping your arm between the two men, curling it around Connor’s abdomen. You slid your entire body between them, the asshole guy stepping back.

“Hey, he’s a cop . See?” you pushed aside Connor’s jacket, displaying the DPD badge on his hip.

“You wanna add assaulting an officer to that rap sheet he’s already typing up from his head?”

The guy noted the badge and despite his initial aggression, he took a step back.

“Whatever, bitch.”

You sighed, relieved he was backing off, until Connor lurched forward from behind you. You spun around, pushing your palms flat against his chest. He didn’t resist you, but he didn’t take his eyes off the guy either.

“Apologize to her.” he said, each word punctuated with rigid coldness, LED flashing red.

“Fuck you and your plastic-fuckin’ girlfriend.”

“Hey!” a voice drew all three of your attention up to a barista wearing a different uniform than the others, designating her a manager, “How about you all take a breather somewhere else before I call the real cops?”

“Fine.” you said, pushing back at Connor who had stepped forward again trying to outmaneuver you.

“It’s a nice sunny day and I’m not a fan of the smell of shit and espresso.” you said, giving the guy a glare of your own. You took Connor’s hand, ignoring any comments from anyone else as you headed out the door. Connor didn’t fight you, but walked briskly away from the coffee shop to the point it was now like he was leading you.

His grip was tight, unrelenting. His LED was still a vivid circle of red. Once you were far enough away, you dug your heels in and released his hand. He stopped, but still held on. He snapped his eyes to yours, looking confused and just so-- lost. Like he wasn’t even sure where he was or where he was going.

You didn’t even know where to start.

“… Connor, I am so sorry.”

What else could you say? You were the stupid one who invited him there. His brows furrowed tightly, anger still twitching in his lips as he shook his head.

“Don’t.” he said, voice strained, “Don’t apologize for them .”

His jaw was tight, working and unclenching. He was rubbing your hand in his own, a tick similar to his coin. People walked around you as you both were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, giving Connor nervous glances as they passed. He noticed finally and stepped to the side, filing into an empty alley facing the street.

“I need a minute.” he said, his pulmonary functions attempting to slow. You stepped closer, reaching up to gently touch his back. You stroked up once.

“Of course, just… take all the time you need.”

He was tense, every carbon fiber cord in his body ready to respond, to act. His LED began flickering, slowly turning yellow and holding.

“It’s becoming more common.” he said, disappointment evident in his voice.

“I’d say it was always common, people feeling safe to express their stupidity has just gotten worse.”

“Not that.” he said, sighing, “My… temper. Hank says I have a temper .”

A deviant android with a quick fuse, that wasn’t entirely unheard of, but yet Connor seemed disturbed more so by his own behavior than the other guys.

“I detected a significant jump in your pulse and breathing rate. You were upset. I upset you.” Connor said, going to release your hand. You snapped it back up before he could, squeezing tight.

“Connor. Look at me.”

He did.

“I wasn’t upset because of you, I was upset for you.” you said, searching his eyes, making sure you confirmed his understanding before you continued, “That guy was being a grade A dickhead and I… I made you show me those tricks and it just drew all that attention to you. It’s dumb and it’s unfair , but I should have known better.”

“I wanted to show you.” Connor said, insistent, “I knew it would make you smile. I… like that. When you were asking what I like. I like receiving positive feedback from you. It’s very informative.”

That got a laugh from you, quiet and resigned.

“Like that. I don’t know how I got you to do that, but I’m attempting to work it out. So far the data has been inconsistent.”

“Really?” you said, “How so?”

“You laugh even when I am actually not trying to be humorous.” Connor said, as if you were a bit silly for not knowing.

“You’re a funny guy.”

“Hank would say otherwise.”

Connor’s LED had returned to blue, holding steady.

“Your temperature is dropping. You should be getting home so you can warm up.”

“No.” you said, grinning. This time when he furrowed his brow it was not as sharp.

“Your current core temperature is not a debatable subject, ---. You are at 97.9 degrees.”

You hummed, “So question. When you do that, are you scanning my entire body or just the surface temperature?”

Connor opened his mouth, thought better, and then it closed it. You swore if he could blush he would be. You inclined your head expectantly.

“What else does the scan pick up?” you asked, both curious and enjoying the look of semi-panic rushing over Connor’s features. The blue LED flickered just for a moment.

“I know that you have not eaten in the last four hours and will begin to feel hunger pains in approximately the next twenty to thirty minutes.” he stated matter-of-factly, “You have a healed fracture on your left ankle, most likely from rolling it sometime within the last two years. Also, your pupils dilate when you look at me, indicating that you find me aesthetically pleasing.”

“Ho-kay.” you said, interrupting him and snatching your hand back, “You had me at the beginning there, I’ll admit.”

“Did I successfully embarrass you, ---?” Connor said, putting his hands into his pockets and following after you with a renewed smugness.

“Um. That’s such cheating. I can’t control my pupils!”

“Of course. I understand it is not conscious. Besides. I was designed to be pleasing .”

“Yeah? Then I’m gonna need you to tell me where to file a product complaint.”

Connor laughed and it sounded so human it infected your own smile.

“”Hello, yes Cyberlife?”, you continued, using your hand to mimic a phone, “”Do you take constructive criticism? Because your RK800 model is becoming a royal pain in my ass.””

“I’ve never had a bad review in my life!” he asserted, placing a hand over his chest in mock offense.

“That’s because you’ve only been alive for seven months! God. You’re an infant. I am literally on a date with an infant.”

Your laughter subsided when you noted Connor was no longer part of the chorus, turning to look at him, you found his own eyes trailed on you with the barest of smiles.

“This has been… different. Good, but different.” he said, choosing the words carefully, “I’d like to do it again.”

“Yeah, yeah, you smug bastard. You probably already know I’m going to say “yes” by the micro expressions of my eyebrows or some crap.”

Your joke was cut short as Connor stepped forward, gingerly reaching up and letting his hand trace the side of your face, thumb rubbing in gentle circles for a moment over the spot right next to your brow. His eyes were hooded, intent.

“No. I don’t think I see anything.”

He was so close-- god damn him for being so close. You couldn’t read his face at all on whether he was being serious right now or was being a tease. The LED light on his temple gave nothing away in it’s blue aura.

“Wait...right there.”

You felt your breath catch.

“I detect the forming of premature wrinkles.”

“Oh, you asshole. ”

You swatted at him, but he was too fast, dodging out of range with a school boy grin.

“I’m freezing and I’m hungry and I think you need to go home and think about what you’ve done.” you said, crossing your arms against the frigid breeze.

“I told you all of those things a minute ago.” Connor said, returning to arms reach long enough to offer his hand in what you assumed was to be a handshake. You scoffed and submitted, letting him take your hand again lightly. He squeezed and let go.

“I’ll text you later.” he said, mirroring your own words. For a moment it almost felt so normal. Just a boy and a girl on a date. It hadn’t turned out to be what you expected, but that was something you were beginning to think you could live with.

“You better.”

When had it become so hard to concentrate? You rapt your stylus against your desk, oblivious to the crowd and the constant hum of conversation as people moved around the facility. You hadn’t heard back anything from Josh regarding the files you brought, in fact, you hadn’t seen an android inside the DCRU office in several days. You leaned back in your chair, hoping to catch a glimpse but instead found yourself looking right into the pencil skirt of London Fog-- aka your supervisor, Miranda.

“You interested in getting out of here?” she asked, curly brown hair tied back in a bun. You think she must been a librarian in a past life based on how she dressed. Nothing else would explain those cat eye glasses.

“Depends.” you said, voice wary. She laughed, because honestly you didn’t have too much choice in it.

“We’re doing a quick run through. We’ve gotten reports that there have been some break ins through the fence perimeter around the--” she stopped, trying to avoid the word “camp” like most people in charge. It was not a good connection to form.

“-- housing facilities. Just need to assess the damage and estimate cost. The androids asked specifically for the director to come, but she is busy elsewhere.” Miranda shrugged, “If I have an intern following me, I look more important!”

Ah, the director. Cinnamon dolce.

Knowing that there was not much more discussion to be had, you picked up your tablet and your coat.

“Where’s the damage?” you asked, voice weary.

“We’ve got a ride to the other side of the facility all lined up for us.” Miranda said, flicking through some documents and sending them to your tablet.

“It’ll be a good learning opportunity!”

Sure. Yay. Fence maintenance.

By the time you arrived it became very obvious that this was not some accidental damage or wear-and-tear, this was a full on someone-took-pliers-to-the-fence-and-cut-a-hole damage. You recognized Josh out of the crowd of humans and androids. He gave you a faint smile and then turned his attention to Miranda.

“Was it a break out?” she asked, earning a narrow look from Josh.

“We’re not prisoners here. Everyone knows they can come and go as they please.” Josh said, voice edged with warning.

“So break in?” Miranda said, confirming to herself. You flipped to the incident report she sent to your tablet and began to jot down notes.

“It would appear so. But nothing was taken. No one has seen anyone strange around the homes either.”

The “homes” for lack of a better word, were simple modular buildings, stacked in sets of three with outside stair railings. A few androids stood on said stairs, peering over the side down at them. The entire facility sat in an old parking lot formerly used by GM back in the late 2000s. It had been sitting vacant for years now and taken by the government for use in the re-homing process.

The modular homes were efficient, if not always “cozy”. The androids were able to file comfort requests, but you’d seen the stacks. It was hard to imagine it was easy to get much of anything, but it was safe . Safer than outside, where humans might attack an android on the street. Here there were soldiers and fences that were meant to keep the outside world out, not them in.

Markus would have not accepted anything less.

“I don’t like that. Have the military units informed to be looking for someone who doesn’t belong and pull any CCTV footage from this area.” Miranda said, stepping forward and examining the fence more closely.

“Tracks say three people!” a voice yelled from above. There was a young looking blond man, standing at the very top of the modular complex. He quickly made his way down, easily constructing a safe path to the ground.

Josh smiled with familiarity, taking the hand offered to him by the man warmly.

“When did you get back into the city?”

“A few days ago. Glad to be back though. D.C. is somehow even colder.”

Miranda turned her attention back towards the two men, greeting the newcomer with nothing more than a faint nod.

“Simon. You said three people?”

Simon nodded, pointing to a variety of spots that now showed traces of mud and slush disturbance.

“Three. They circled in, came this way…”

He moved ahead, heading behind the modular unit. There was a good fifteen feet between it’s back and the fence.

“Then this way. Stopped here, but then one set of tracks keeps going while the other two circle back.” Simon’s eyes narrowed, giving Josh a strange look.

“Something isn’t right. I smell--”

A flash. Blinding and loud. So loud that suddenly your ears were filled with unbearable ringing. You felt your feet lift from the ground, heat bursting across your skin. There were quick flicks of pain, as if a hail storm had pelted you. And then you found the ground again, hitting hard to the concrete as the ringing just kept on. Something heavy fell on your chest, knocking the wind from you.

Your vision blurred, arms shaking as you tried to find something, anything to hold onto to make the world stop spinning. Someone was ontop of you, arms curled around your frame. The smell of thirium and smoke was thick in your nostrils and when your vision came to, there was blue andJosh.

All cradled in a backdrop of red flames.

#dbh connor #dbh fanfiction #dbh fanfic #dbh connor x reader #dbh connor x f!reader #detroit become human #detroit become human fanfiction #detroit become human fanfic #the ostensive fumblings of being human

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