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jonesyjonesyjonesy · 3 years

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Wildflowers (pt. iii)

a john paul jones x fem!oc fic

summary: Julia Morgan knew nannying for three girls who had recently lost their mother would come with many challenges. But she never thought their father, the enigmatic musician John Paul Jones, would be causing her the most trouble. And while Julia is not in the business of saving broken men, her tenderness might be meant for more than little girls and wildflowers.

pt. i, crocus pt. ii, gorse pt. iii, primrose pt. iv, willow 🌼 pt. v, heart’s-ease pt. vi.i, daisy 🌼 pt. vi.ii, daisy pt. vi.iii, daisy 🌼

(🌼) denotes nsfw

notes: angst, oc for the oc, hurt/comfort, grief, slow burn, eventual nsfw

a/n: Thank you all for your continued support. I know I said it would be awhile until the next bit, but I don't find it healthy to stifle things I want to write if they're ready to be born, so here we are.

Side note: I know the timeline is a little wonky for this fic as I'm taking canon events and smooshing them all around for my purposes. Let me know if you would ever like a post as kind of a behind the scenes look at the timeline and any points of reference I have.

Thank you for all your love and support in all forms. It means the world.

pt. iii, primrose

"If you’re around them long enough, I don’t see you being able to resist that kind of trouble. And we know how that turned out the first time."

need to catch up? click here for pt. ii, gorse

“Oh dear, Julia…” Nick murmured, thumbing through the document. “This is…”

“Bad?” I asked.

His easy brown eyes flicked up to mine and his lips curled to the side. “You can’t sign this.”

It was the middle of the first Sunday in April and the sun eagerly beamed through the lace curtains of the apartment. We sat opposite one another on the matching sofas, two cups of once steaming tea lazing on the coffee table.

“You know what kind of money these guys have?” Nick asked and then laughed at himself, gesturing to the room. “I mean, you’re like living at Wildfell Hall or something.”

“So, it’s iron clad?”

He shook his head. “It wouldn’t matter if it is. They’ve left plenty of holes for you to twist your pretty ankles in, Julia. You’d think you’re getting away with something and then you’ve tripped and fell flat on your face.”

I frowned, “But I’m not looking to get away with anything.”

“But on the off-chance you did –”

“What do you think I’m going to do, Nicky? Take the girls’ grade reports to the press?”

Nick gave me a look, “You’d be backing yourself into a corner by signing this, that’s all.”

“Stop it with the metaphors,” I rolled my eyes and reached for the pack of cigarettes he had left out on the coffee table.

He grunted in response and flipped through the pages again as I lit a cigarette. Nick looked lovely that day. I wasn’t going to lie to myself. He had coiffed his dark bronze hair nicely, a perfect curl fallen out over his forehead. And he was immaculately dressed in slacks and the brown tweed sportcoat he had tailor made for him just a few months ago. New, creaseless leather shoes too. When I first met him, he looked so much younger, still with the baby fat in his cheeks and slacks that were a little too short for him. Boyish and sweet. And now, he was slim and handsome, the slightest wrinkles forming on his forehead from all the nights spent reading and writing for school. The boyishness and the sweetness had been exchanged for maturity and misanthropy.

“How did you get wrapped up in this, huh? I mean, bloody Led Zeppelin, that’s not nothing.”

“You read my contract; you know there wasn’t a pin about it.”

He sighed and suddenly slapped the papers back into a stack. His eyes shot up to mine. “Lover.”

Lover. A pet name that fit so well five years ago that in the end only bubbled up when things needed desperate attention. Now, though, in my mind, we were separate. I was not “lover”. The cigarette smoke in my lungs went cold.

“I can’t in good conscience let you stay here.”

I looked away and snorted, “The contract told you that?”

“No, no, forget the NDA. Forget it and look at me,” he said.

“I’m looking.”

I wasn’t.

“You’re not.”

Damn.

I raised my eyes to his. Brown like the beetles running through soft and rain filled bark. His eyes alternately gave me thrilling goosebumps and made my skin crawl. “You know what those men are like, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“They’re heathens.”

“Oh, come on, Nick.”

“They destroy hotel rooms and drink excessively and have Dionysian orgies and – “

“Orgies. You’ve gone absolutely mad.”

Nick’s jaw fell agape. “Have you read a single thing about them?”

“Have you?” I shot back. “You a big fan all of a sudden? Traded in your beloved Chet Baker vinyls for something a bit harder?”

“A bit? That’s generous,” he said and, without missing a beat, reached into his briefcase and pulled out several magazines, splashy tabloids that in his pale hand looked totally out of place. “I’ve read into them plenty. More than I would ever have liked to. They’re despicable from what I can tell.”

I side-eyed the stack. Melody Maker, Creem, Best…“That’s silly, Nick.”

He sat up straight. “Silly?”

“Are you trying to collect all the posters while you’re at it?” I asked, reaching for one of them, covered with a striking image of Jimmy slinging his guitar across his front with his head tossed back in an aural fury. It was a funny feeling to know I had met the man in the flesh. “A full color of Jimmy Page in this one. You can hang it on the wall of your new flat.”

“You’re not taking this seriously,” Nick snapped at me, his lips going thin.

“I’m taking it plenty seriously. I asked you to go through the contract, not to go gathering gossip.”

Nick’s ears were deaf to me now. “I did this for you, Julia. I came all the way out here to go over your little NDA and I’m giving you my professional opinion and – “

“Nicky, you’re not giving me your professional opinion,” I said in annoyance. “You’re making it about something completely different than what’s on the page and editorializing about people you don’t know to avoid what you actually want to say.” I stamped out my cigarette. “You know I can’t stand that. Say what you mean.”

Nick opened his mouth to reply and then stood up with a gruff exhale. In moments like these, I felt miles older than him, even though it was just two years. His petulance often led to infinite feeling silences. He exhausted me.

“And may I remind you that you’re the one who insisted you come out here. We didn’t have to do this,” I murmured and looked out the window at the driveway where there were dark treads in the gravel driveway from where the Interceptor peeled out earlier.

I hadn’t wanted Nick to visit me at Warren House, but he wouldn’t relent. “After all,” he had said. “You owe it to me for all the worrying I’ve done.”

John and I had not yet discussed the boundaries of my life at Warren House. This is always one of the tricky things about living in someone else’s home, negotiating where their life ends and yours begins. I approached John about it after dinner the night after I called Nick while the girls were all distracted around the television.

“John?” I rarely said his name if I could avoid it. It almost gagged me each time, that crossing of a familiar line when I couldn’t help but feel he wanted me so distant.

He lifted his gaze from the magazine he had been reading, a Beat Instrumental with Mick Jagger on the cover (I did recognize him since his face was hard to avoid ten years ago), and raised an eyebrow. “Hm?”

“My legal counsel would like to meet with me in person and –“

“He can come out here, then. Whenever you need the time,” he said quickly before I could even finish and returned to reading his magazine.

I was stunned. “I could go up to London if that’s easier, I don’t want to encroach on your space. Or the girls or –“

“The girls should get used to you having a life outside of them. You know, if you’re staying on.”

I carried the word “if” heavily around the rest of the week, that small yet formidable operative in his sentence. It would certainly be a convenient way to get rid of me if that’s what he wanted. But I hadn’t actually considered that anyone else was negotiating the idea that I might decline to sign and leave. And so, I begrudgingly called Nick back and he said he’d drive out for a cup of tea on Sunday afternoon.

When Nick arrived, 20 minutes earlier than expected, John answered the door and sent Jacinda up to fetch me. Jacinda and I had become good friends over my first weeks at Warren House with all the time we spent over her school books. She was most talkative during homework time; when her sisters were around, she tended to go quiet. After all, Kiera was the littlest, a handful and Tamara was withholding and dramatic, often changing the mood of a room just by walking into it. Jacinda waited to share until she was sure she’d be heard.

“Maureen’s girl,” Annie murmured in my ear once as we watched the three girls playing a boardgame. Kiera and Tamara were arguing over the rules while Jacinda stared at instructions, attempting to find the words to describe the solution to her sisters. “Those two were stuck together like glue.”

Parents say they don’t have favorites, and this is true, but just as with our friendships, some children are easier than others, and those are the ones parents tend to keep close. Jacinda was a “good friend” type of child, easygoing and respectful. But, like most children kept close, it was clear she was reliant on that familiarity and camaraderie with the adults around her. Without her mother, Jacinda’s anxiety had been born in the smallest things like the loose threads of her school uniform and the egg yolk that dripped off the edge of her plate. I was certainly no replacement for Maureen, but Jacinda had found comfort in my presence.

“Your friend is here,” Jacinda had said in the doorway of my bedroom.

“My friend?”

Jacinda shrugged. “That’s what daddy said.”

I was unsure how Nick introduced himself to John. He wasn’t an idiot (necessarily), but I could see him undercutting me and characterizing our relationship in familiarity rather than professionalism. “Come here, pick out which lipstick I should wear.”

She sorted through the golden bullets of lipstick on the vanity and chose a soft and subtle shade of mauve which I applied quickly before leading her out the apartment to the back staircase. “What do you think of my outfit, Cin?” It was perhaps disingenuous of me, but I had dressed up for the occasion too in a blouse and long skirt that I knew he loved.

She paused, let her eyes cross from my shoulders to my shoes, and then smiled, “It looks pretty.”

“Thank you. I have to say, I’m feeling a little nervous,” I said lightly even though my insides had been churning since the middle of the night.

“Butterflies or bees?”

Butterflies or bees, the code we had come up with for when she was feeling overwhelmed. The children I had worked with before had often taken to the idea of their feelings as animals. Something a bit easier to understand than amorphous emotions. When she was overwhelmed, I would ask her if she felt like there were butterflies in her stomach or bees on her fingertips.

“Both. Have you ever been that nervous?”

I was too distracted by the two men’s voices beyond the door to hear her answer. I couldn’t make out the words, John’s voice too gentle and Nick’s too low. But when I heard a shared bit of laughter, I felt an unfair stroke of frustration at them getting on and took that as my cue to enter.

Nick’s attention snapped to me at once and made his way over to me. “There she is,” he said, his voice as grave as ever even if he was smiling. “You look lovely.”

“So do you,” I replied, flushing.

I felt him leaning toward me, leaning in for something closer than I wanted. I couldn’t very well turn away and start our meeting off so coldly when I needed his help. So, I let Nick close the space between us, giving me a soft and lingering kiss on my cheek and resting his hand on my waist.

We were, of course, being watched on both sides. John’s eyes met mine over Nick’s shoulder, his head cocking slightly as he observed the way Nick greeted me. I averted my gaze and whispered quickly, “You’re early, you know.”

“Prompt, more like it.”

“Yes well, I wanted to be able to meet you at the door,” I replied, pulling away from his touch entirely. There was a small, uncomfortable silence over the entire room. Nick’s eyes in mine, waiting for me to say something, Jacinda and John watching and trying to understand who we were to one another. I cleared my throat, “Why don’t we go upstairs and we can –“

“I’m about to take the girls out to run some errands,” John interrupted suddenly. “Perhaps you’d like to give Mr. Westerling a look around the place before you get down to business.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and was about to refuse before Nick bubbled, “I’d like that very much, thank you.”

“Is that really necessary, Mr. Westerling?” I asked, forcefully lingering on his last name. “After all, you charge by the hour.”

“Not for my favorite client, Ms. Morgan,” he replied.

I had intended on paying him his hefty going rate, but now that seemed out of the question if he was going to use our time casually. “Well, fine, as long as we won’t be a bother to you all,” I said to John with a careful nudge toward rescinding his offer.

“No, not at all,” John replied. “Jacinda, get your shoes on, I’ll get your sisters.”

After John disappeared to up the main stairs, Nick was much more forward with me, even though Jacinda was still in the room, tying up her trainers. He brushed my hair off my shoulders and gave my waist a squeeze before saying at full volume, “I forgot how beautiful you are.” I felt Jacinda’s eyes and ears on us until we disappeared through the drawing room and out onto the stone patio.

Nick clearly hadn’t expected me to be so cold through his visit. As I showed him around, I dodged his affectionate gestures whenever I could, even though I knew the Baldwins weren’t even around. He was able to steal a kiss underneath the beautiful Beech tree on the edge of the main part of the property that became greener by the day. Once in the privacy of my apartment, he exuded a sort of dangerous hope to get through the work and then toss it aside dramatically so that we could take care of other ‘unfinished’ sorts of business since we had had such a lousy goodbye in London. But to my mind, we had used up our allotment of dramatic plot twists, been broken up and returned to one another too many times. I was getting too old for that.

And now, here we were. Nick finally broke the silence between us. “They’re animals.”

“Well, I’m not working with them, I’m working with three little girls.”

“I bet they’re animals too,” he said under his breath.

I quickly snapped at him, “You can slander grown men all you want, but I will not tolerate you speaking about children like that.”

Nick went red and turned away, masking a very small ‘sorry’ in his hand. The silence fell again, shorter this time, until he found my gaze. “I don’t want you around them, Julia.”

“I’m the nanny, not a groupie.”

“You don’t know what –“

“You don’t trust I can handle myself, do you?”

He went silent. That was answer enough. He didn’t and that was clear. Even on nights out when we were in London, at functions and dinners, Nick’s hand always seemed to find the back of my neck as if I were his marionette.

“Unbelievable,” I scoffed.

Nick quickly tried to backtrack, “You’d be doing a foolish thing by signing that, that’s all. Come with me or don’t, but you should go back to London at the very least.”

“Come with you?” I asked. “Is that an option now?”

Nick frowned, “It was always an option.”

I let out a blistered laugh. “You never even asked.”

“Well, I don’t know Julia. You didn’t even seem interested. You kept going on interviews and then you wound up here, why would I have asked?” he shrugged.

“Stop it, just stop that.”

“What?”

“It’s not my fault that you didn’t ask,” I said.

“Would you have said yes? Be honest, would you have agreed?” Nick shifted toward me with a fiery look in his eyes.

No, I wouldn’t have. “It doesn’t matter now if I would have said yes because you didn’t.”

“See, this is so like you. You want to have the option to tell everyone no. It’s why you called me out here, isn’t it? You’re going to sign the damn thing no matter what but you wanted to tease everyone into thinking you were going to leave so that when you stay it’s this big sigh of relief and –“

“Don’t act like you know me and my every move, that’s so childish,” I intervened.

Nick’s turn to laugh, loudly and reproachfully, “Julia, lover, I know every single thing about you.”

I swallowed.

“Every single thing.”

Nick did know every single thing. After five years, how could he not. He knew things I rarely speak aloud. Things that weigh on my mind to this day; a combination of mistakes and regrettable events, questions of understanding I hold for the universe that are never answered. These secret things would find new audience in due time, but with Nick, they only required slight allusion to put me ill at ease.

His voice softened, “If you’re around them long enough, I don’t see you being able to resist that kind of trouble. And we know how that turned out the first time.”

I held my breath, tears irritating the corners of my eyes. I pulled my gaze away and looked back out the window. The sofa bent beside me as Nick sat, his hip brushing against mine.

“You don’t deserve that kind of pain again.”

“I’m not a child, I’m not going to…“ I couldn’t even finish before the tears started spilling.

“Oh, lover, of course, you’re not,” Nick replied gently, his hand finding my knee. “You know I don’t think that.” He was getting closer, his breath starting to slip through strands of my hair. “Why risk it, though? You can come with me. I’m a sure thing. No surprises.”

At the root of all of this was the simple notion that I no longer loved Nick. On paper, he was wonderful: handsome, a good job, well-humored, often compassionate if he could stomach it. But when it comes to love, it doesn’t matter what someone looks like on paper. I knew that I couldn’t stomach Nick’s love the rest of my life.

My delay in reply left a gap for Nick to lean in and kiss me. His lips were desperate for me to return the kiss with some ferocity. I wanted to vomit. I pushed him off of me and glared, “You’re a self-important arse.”

“Julia –“

“You want to play a hero. That’s the only reason you’re offering now.”

Nick recoiled, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Acting like I have no self-restraint, that you need to cart me off to Paris where I’ll just sit in your flat until I off myself.”

“Christ, what is –“

“I asked for your help in good conscience. I don’t need your antics.”

Nick was icing over by the moment; his brand of ire was hypothermic. “You’re nothing but a bitter fool,” he seethed through his teeth.

The Interceptor rolling into the gravel driveway gave us both pause. “You should go.”

“They pay you to be here. They don’t care for you.”

Car doors slamming, the girls’ voices tittering, John calling after them with some sort of direction.

“As soon as they’ve found use for you, they’ll get rid of you.”

I mirrored his coldness, “I’ll take your opinion into account as I make my decision.”

Nick’s eyes widened and his nostrils flared. Cruely was inevitable. “You want to accuse me of being a hero, but just look at yourself trying to play mother to children that aren’t your own.”

Nick knew too much. What was once something I gave him in the cloak of night that he took with tender hands and held carefully had become something to use against me in anger. Several tears escaped my eyes. “That’s enough.”

Nick’s anger broke, jaw dropping, the boyishness I remembered fondly overwhelming his hard-edged persona. The redness on his face was no longer his blood pressure rising but the utmost embarrassment. “Julia…”

“Leave.”

Nick was a good listener; of that I was grateful. Nick retrieved his briefcase and moved toward the back stairwell before pausing and deciding if he should speak.

“I care for you, lover. I wish you realized that.”

And with that, he was gone.

Thank god. I couldn’t contain the tears longer, crumpling over my knees and letting out a heaving, relieved sob. The few hours we had been together had been so tense and seemingly unending. Now, my coffee table was a dissonant amalgam of black and white legal documents and gaudy news rags. I didn’t even know where to start with picking up after the blustery mess.

I pulled back on the lace curtain and, bleary-eyed, watched Nick and John’s paths cross. They greeted each other, Nick anxiously trying to exit John’s attempt at conversation. John didn’t keep him long and watched Nick retreat to his car across the driveway. Then, his eyes flipped up to my window with curiosity. I tossed the curtain closed as quick as I could and retreated to my bedroom where I rode out the rest of my tears for the next several hours between fits and starts of napping.

If I had been leaning one way or the other on if I was to sign the contract, I was now staunchly in the middle. There was something to be said for Nick’s concern; the juggernaut of Zeppelin was all red tape and platform shoes and I very well could twist my ankles in those. But I couldn’t shake the girls from my mind. Even Tamara, who was cold to me a good deal of the time, was starting to show signs of thawing to my affection and presence (although this breakthrough would not come without a coup de grace).

I awoke to a rapping on my bedroom door. To my surprise, the room was already completely dark and the sounds outside my window were those of a world starting to nestle into nighttime. After a moment, there were whispers on the other side of the door, a small voice met with warm coaxing.

I rose from the bed, rubbing my eyes and readjusting my shirt as I went, entirely mussed from my unanticipated slumber. When I opened the door, I found Jacinda with a paper in her hands, nervously shifting from foot to foot, accompanied by John who hung back near the doorway to the apartment.

“Well, hello there, Cin,” I said with a small smile. “What are you doing here?”

Jacinda looked back to John who nodded with all the affirmation a father can give and a small gesture of his hand for her to speak. “This is for you,” she replied, holding the paper out to me.

I accepted it gingerly with a wondrous gasp, “Jacinda! Oh, my goodness.” I unfolded the paper and found a delicate drawing of light-yellow flowers being visited by jolly butterflies and bees, completed with a dedication at the top – To Julia. Love, Jacinda and Kiera. “Look at those beautiful lowercase letters,” I remarked with awe. She was known to rush through her writing and use all capitals if I wasn’t on her about it.

Jacinda walked me through the process of her picture: the flowers that were supposed to be primroses, her representation of each member of the household as a bee or a butterfly, and letting Kiera sign it even though she didn’t do anything.

“That was very nice of you to include her,” I giggled. “Oh, this is just so lovely, Cin, really. You are such a fantastic artist. Thank you.”

Her face burst into an excited redness as she beamed up at me.

“May I give you a hug?”

She nodded vigorously. I bent down and wrapped my arms around her. “You are so sweet to think of me,” I said with an extra squeeze.

Jacinda laughed into my neck as I lifted her just enough so only her toes were on the ground. When I pulled away, I gave her a big smile and she smiled back bashfully before looking to John.

“Okay, to bed now,” John said quietly with a jerk of his head. “I’ll be in in a minute; I want to talk to Julia.”

I felt my heart sink at the idea of him wanting to talk to me. What it could be about, I could only guess. Jacinda disappeared into the main hall quickly without any fuss. John and I were quiet a moment before both trying to speak at once.

“I’m sorry for interrupting –“

“I hope it wasn’t a bother to have – “

We both stopped short and smiled uncomfortably. “You go ahead,” I murmured.

“Well, uh, I…I know it’s Sunday so I apologize for interrupting your privacy,” John said and then cleared his throat. “But we thought you should know you were missed at dinner tonight.”

The earnestness and care in his words was so jarring that I couldn’t muster words. I realized that tonight was the first dinner I had missed with the Baldwins. I always made a point to eat with them, even on my off-days. Everyone was most at ease over dinner, even John.

It was nice to know I was missed.

“Without swaying whatever decision you’ve come to, the girls are very taken with you,” he said, lowering his gaze to the coffee table, scanning the mess Nick and I had made. Perhaps he would have said more if it weren’t for the magazines. A small smile blipped onto his face. “You were doing some reading earlier then?”

I swiftly went to pick them up and fumbled through my words, “My lawyer, he brought those, they aren’t – I didn’t – “ I looked back to him and sighed. “I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to –“

“Relax, Julia,” John chuckled, running a hair back through his hair. “Seems your man thought he was well-researched.”

Emphasis on the word thought. “Yes, brought a whole newsstand with him,” I mumbled.

“May I?” he asked, a hand going toward the stack of magazines in my arms.

“Please, I have no use for them.”

As he took one of the magazines, I noticed the slightest ripple of musculature in his fingers, skill and craft oozing from his touch. It was all well and good to talk about the mighty Led Zeppelin as hedonistic savages, but I had to hope they were deserving of the glory. He began to flip through the magazine until he landed on the spread on Zeppelin. He smirked, “God, that was a look.”

I peered at the page featuring a group shot of the band in front the jet of a huge airliner. None of them were recognizably John, at least not at first, until I spotted him at the end, sporting a fringed bob look and a denim button-down entirely undone. I couldn’t help but laugh. “I didn’t even recognize you at first.”

“Hard to believe it wasn’t that long ago,” he blushed. The accompanying article title no doubt threw him off balance: Has Zeppelin Gone Down Like a Lead Balloon? “Feels like eons.” He snapped the magazine shut and started to hand it back to me. I pointed toward the bin in the corner and he laughed before dropping it in. “You alright then?”

“Hm?”

“Your lawyer looked quite perturbed on his way out.”

I rolled my eyes. “Isn’t that normal for lawyers?”

John conceded with a nod, “That’s fair, although I’ve been in some pretty tough rooms and I’ve never seen a lawyer have such a pitiful look in his eye while walking out of a meeting.”

I was quiet a moment. John was a very observant person, although it probably wouldn’t have taken a genius to gather that my relationship with Nick was anything but platonic. “I didn’t want him to come out here and be a bother to you and the girls, I –“

“No, Julia, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know it’s not what you meant, but I am…” I looked up to catch a word from the sky. “I am mortified.”

“Mortified? What for?”

“All of it,” I answered with a humorous jostle of my head, feeling drunk from the emotions of the day.

“Please, nothing so dramatic as that.”

“But I am,” I said grimly. “I was trying to be –“

“You were trying to be prudent,” John interrupted. That’s how I had described the maneuver a few days earlier, a gesture of prudence. “You needed to talk with your lawyer. Anything else is your business.”

I stared at him. His softness was almost unsettling, bothersome. “I had no idea who you were,” I said quietly. It was not an apology or an attack, but an observation I felt must be said.

“Which was how I wanted it,” John replied with a nod. His brow knit together as he processed the impact of his withheld information. “And was a mistake in hindsight. Was a bit…dishonest, I guess. But I didn’t see it that way at the time.”

I couldn’t look him in the eye too long before becoming flustered. “I don’t hold it against you.”

He smiled, “You didn’t answer my question.”

I laughed, “I’m sorry, I don’t remember it.”

“’Are you alright?’ Are you alright, Julia?”

I had thought I had cried out all my tears, but the pricking sensation suddenly returned to my eyes. I nodded heavily, “Yes, just been a long day.”

John hummed knowingly.

“Thank you, though, for the – “ I pulled the card out from the stack of tabloids pressed against my chest. “I needed this; I really did.”

John looked to the card; the tenseness in his cheeks dropped, casting a solemn pall on his face, even though he smiled. “You said they know more than we give them credit for, right?”

“They do.”

John leaned in and murmured, “And for the record, it was all Jacinda. Kiera really did just come in at the last minute to stamp her name on it.”

“Oh, you’re a snitch, are you?” I teased.

“They may be my children, but dammit if I’ll let them get away with that kind of behavior,” he added wryly.

I laughed and couldn’t help but wonder if John’s sudden ease with me was from the understanding that I was, indeed, a broken person too. We bid one another “goodnight” and before John left, he reminded me to make a decision that felt right for me: “We’ll be alright.” I wasn’t sure if I believed him from the way his face broke so subtly in certain places.

Not ten minutes later, the ink of my signature was dried on the contract and I was crawling into bed for a well-earned sleep, eager to start the next day with a phone call to Mr. Page.

click here for pt. iv, willow

✨ For more of my writing, visit my masterlist. ✨

taglist: @princesspagey, @jimmys-zeppelin, @kari-12-10, @grxtsch, @edal-weis, @salixfragilis, @kyunisixx, @ritacaroline (let me know if you’d like to be added 🥰)

#a classic oc for the oc situation #john paul jones #john paul jones x fem!oc #fanfiction #fanfic #wildflowers #the nannyfic #jpj #jonesy #classic rock rpf #jimmy page #alternate timeline #rpf #john paul jones x oc #MO JONES STILL DESERVES THE WORLD THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH I ADORE HER

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divinevomit · 3 years

Text

im tired

sept. 26′21 : 8am

thought id try a diary of sorts. cant garrentee how consistant thisll be or how literate itll be either. i cant sleep anymore without some type of medication. with or witohut caffine. im aalways tired an d it shows. when i fo sleep it sall day. never at night. the portals are opening up. tis almost october and it shows. this buildign is full of lost ghosts. i feel for them, honestly. i cant imagine being stuck ina place liek this forever. i feel liek maybe i will, one day again. be stuck somewhere for wahat seems liek too many years, watching the days pass, not knowing when or were i am anymore. seeing the passin gpoeple go by. i was once, it wasnt fun. i dont really remember it, but i know i long forit back from time to time.

i guess i should introduce myself properly, for futiure referencee or for anyone who happens to stumble on this blog. i dont rwally know how. i guess i m kinda liek a ghost. i dont get to leave my apartment often, eithr becuase i have a bad feeling, or because i have no reason or the funds to. i have insomnia, also borderline personality, and probably a good amount of other problems. ihave a good amount of friends i guess, i live with one, (who ill call vamp for future referece),i have two friend groups, both of thm are majority odler than me, but not in a weird way, more liek by chance. anywyas, i also have an online friend, and a long distance lover. i talk to my onlin efriend more than any. ive knownhim for almost twoyears,but i dont know much about ihim. i dont know his actual name, what he looks liek, so basically nothing besides his age, his voice, and his zodiac sighn. all my friends think hes secretly 40, but hes a year younger thanme and proved it. ill probably end up talking atb him mostl.y. i mtoo tired to thikn of a different name than what i already callhim, ill think of one later. my lovr lives in the same state as my onlien friend, and not too far. theyboth live in a different state thanme and vamp. weve beentogether for two years, about 8 months off and on long distance. this is the longest weve been away from ech other at 4 months. i dont get to talk to them too often. thy dont have wifi, and theyve never had a phone with data. their family is odd and doesnt liek me either. what els do i add? ill be a legaladult in 6 months, but me and vamp basically liv aloen. my mom pays for rent and utilties, but is never around and lives with her boyfriend 12/14 days. whenshe does come by, its not good. vamp and i both dont have jobs, vamps family is across the country, and most of mine is comepletely out of the pitcture. neither of us had good childhoods but they r pretty similar. vamps was a lot more extreme thanmin e, and mine was,, easier,, to say te least. i dont know what else i should add. im very pale due to lack of goingoutsid eduring daylight hours and probably lack of nutrients but naturallu im very tane. im reely clairvoyant, liek scary clairvoyant. ican read someones mind to a t with ease, can feel others physicalpain even when im inadifferent room, adn emotions clearly. especially when i know thm, dcently just by looking at them too long. its reallu exhausting. (beleive me or not idont care, its not liek anyone will see this anywyas.) my mom is pagan (for 22yrs), and my dad is a satanist (for 42 yrs) and i am second born to them. i turned out a pagan who lieks red magic and my deity is venus aphrodite. (did yu knoew aphrodite was nonbianary?) i refuse to do black magic or anything to mess with anyons freewll. i refuse to end up liek muy dad. my favorite color is baby pink andblack.

me and vamp share a room. im not allowed to be alnoen because everyone thinks ill spirsl. vamp has lived with me for 4 months and, dnt get me wrong, i lvoe having him here, hes liek my brother and i cherish him forever, but i missbeing alone. jes asleep right now so im downstairs typig this.

i have a bad habit of rambling. i talk too much. i wont read this over becaause i know itll be all ovr the place and ill just delete it. i dont really know what to use this blog for, i never really have. i go backand forth on wat to do with it, first it was aesthetics, then a dream journal and now this, but im bad at keeping p with anything and loose motivation quickly. i might try more for tihs. but i cant promise anything, i did this on a whim.

#1 #divinevomit #divinejournal

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writingstruggles · 4 years

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Ben Solo/Kylo Ren: a character analysis

OK, first things first: THIS ISN’T A STAN OR ANTI POST. This is a character study, and if you can’t handle this character getting impartial concrit, just don’t read. If, however, you don’t agree with some of the points I’m going to make and want to have a healthy discussion about it, then I’m all ears. I don’t think my opinion is the only valid one, so feel free to try and change my mind.

And second things second: I tried so hard to love the sequel trilogy, but when it became clear after TROS that the studio had no plan other than making money, it became very difficult. I’m aware that the main problem for all the characters is the lack of general planing in this whole mess of trilogy, so keep this always in mind while reading this post: the first problem of this character was that the studio didn’t even know what to do with him.

1. Does Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren make sense?

I checked the comics to get his background better. He had a happy childhood traveling a lot with Han and Leia, but when she discovered about the First Order, she sent him to train with Luke while Han and Chewie ran undercover missions for her. This is important: up to this point, he had a good relationship with his family, even if he was already being pulled by the dark side of the Force. It was during his adolescence that he started to be really seduced by Snoke, hearing the voice he thought belonged to Darth Vader. After the Luke incident, he did explode the cabin and thought he had killed his uncle, but he was not the one who killed all the other students and destroyed the temple: that was Snoke’s thing. He did kill some of his fellow Jedi apprentices later on, though. So, his turning points were Luke’s treason and Snoke’s coordinated abduction. And I would like to point out: the Sith training involves torture and brainwashing, so the first wrong impression I would like to correct about this character is that he was not simply a dick and revolted teen who ran away to join a cult.

BUT, there are some huge problems here. The first one is that when you watch the movies, you don’t learn anything about that aside from Luke’s part. In the way he’s presented in TFA, he’s Leia and Han’s son who betrayed his family, destroyed his uncles’ dream and joined the dark side for no reason. OF COURSE half of the audience wouldn’t like him. That wouldn’t be a problem if they just wanted him to be a villain like Darth Vader was, but it’s very clear that there was a plan (at least for one director) to make him a supposedly redeemable character. And how can we sympathize with his character like that? Even after we get to know what Luke almost did, the next question is simple: ok, so why he didn’t go back to Han and Leia?

And here is the second huge problem: we learned that after Ben leaves Yavin IV, Luke vanished, and Han and Leia broke up and went back to smuggling/leading a rebellion. And I can’t stress this enough, this doesn’t make any sense. The sequel trilogy killed Luke, Han, and Leia’s characters. These three characters that we have known for years would never, ever, had abandoned Ben Solo. Leia F*cking Organa and Han shot-first Solo would have brought their son back or die trying. Luke Skywalker is not a coward, he wouldn’t go into hiding and abandoned his only sister to clean up his mess during another war, let alone close himself to the Force, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to feel if she was in danger. Just remember Han risking his life to save Luke in Hoth; or Leia leaving the rebellion to rescue Han from Jabba; or Luke straight-up disobeying ghost Obi-Wan and ghost Yoda to save Han and Leia, even if that costed the war. They were older and different, for sure, but we are talking about the quintessential things, the things that make these beloved characters themselves.

(THIS ^^. This right here is the spirit of Star Wars)

So no, in the way it was done in the movies, Ben Solo becoming Kylo Ren doesn’t make sense to the audience, and that’s a huge problem. A friend of mine suggested once that instead of being a rip-off of ANH, TFA should have been a movie about the beginning of the First Order (because after we defeat the Empire on episode VI, episode VII starting with ANOTHER all-powerful evil government already dominating the galaxy and exploding planets just throws away all the previous movies’ efforts) and about how Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren. Just imagine if Rey, Finn and Poe had interacted with Ben Solo before he becomes evil: the stakes would have been so much higher, and it could have been well done. It would have made this character more human and likable.

2. Kylo Ren’s motivations: what does he want?

If the OT was about hope, I think we can agree that the ST’s themes are legacy and belonging. Having their protagonists, Rey and Ben/Kylo representing two apposite sides of those things was one of the best ideas for the new saga. Rey looks for belonging in the past she doesn’t know, while Kylo wants to abandon Ben Solo’s past and find his place in his future as Kylo Ren.

In that sense, his character arc was somehow solid. In TFA, it’s clear he’s still struggling with the dark side and feels the temptation of the light: he loses control easily, and he’s not doing anything unless Snoke orders him to. Ok, but why? Why is he clinging to Darth Vader’s ideals and staying in the sith path? Basically because he thinks it’s too late, and he has no other options. Which brings us back to the problem with Han and Leia: his parents didn’t go after him, they chose to go back to their old lives – of course he would think there’s no going back for him now. “But he is an adult man and could make his own decisions.” It’s a fair point, but again: sith training corrupts you and even if he had escaped, the only thing that would happen would be Snoke finding him again. It’s kinda like leaving an addiction: you supposedly can do it by yourself, but it is so much easier if you have help. Not a simple promise or offer, but actual, constant, and present help. I can not stress this enough, but I insist that one of the main problems with the sequel trilogy was not explaining in a satisfactory way HOW and WHY he turned to the dark side and stayed there.

3. Han Solo

Okay, I will admit: maybe my opinion on this specific topic is biased, because Han Solo is my favorite SW character. You may call me out as a fangirl if you don’t agree, but my point is: making Kylo Ren kill Han Solo was a bad idea. They basically killed the character for half of the audience, with zero chance of redemption.

It’s because it’s fratricide. Unless your father is Satan, the Emperor, or someone as equally villainous, fratricide is just that bad. It’s not easy to redeem a character who commits murder, but one that kills his own father? Who happens to be one of the good guys? And one of the most iconic and beloved characters in the franchise? There were other options to give Kylo Ren a tipping point, a conflicted moment that didn’t involve killing Han Solo. But they did, and he killed him. And now he’s no longer a villain we can sympathize with: now we think he’s a monster.

4. His interactions with Rey in TLJ

(I’m not wearing shipper goggles for this. I don’t even own shipper goggles when we are talking about Star Wars.)

Kylo Ren is conflicted after killing Han Solo, (and I will make a small pause here to reinforce how good Adam Driver’s acting was. He’s the only responsible for all the likable parts of Kylo Ren, especially in this movie). Kylo is once again unstable and Snoke is displeased with him, and for a moment we think he finally turned completely to the dark side, until he pauses before shooting Leia’s ship.

The force bond was the most interesting part of the movie. I don’t agree that he used it to manipulate Rey: if anything, he was completely harsh and blunt and kind of a dick to her, but he didn’t lie. He told her things how he saw it, with so much conviction that she started to see his side of the story. And since she was probably the first person in years that actually listened to him, his decision of murdering Snoke and inviting her to join the dark side makes very much sense.

We are talking about motivations and his are simple: let the past die, forge a new path. When he kills Snoke and no longer has a master, he only has one option: to become the master. That’s why he takes over the FO, and wants Rey to be his apprentice. Does the character suffer from sith-tunnel-vision? Definitely. But it makes sense. His decision-making is not overly complicated: he feels alone, and he wants a purpose: he decides that the solution for both is Rey joining him in the dark side. When she refuses, he still has one purpose: the FO.

This is, however, the point where he turns his back to the light completely: on Crait, he orders the FO to explode the Rebel Base and kill everyone, knowing full well his mother was in there. He orders them to exploded the Falcon out of the sky, once again knowing that Chewie and Rey are on board. When facing Luke, he repeats that he will kill Rey and the rebels. His transition from conflicted sith apprentice to the new villain of the franchise was actually well done.

And exactly because of that, the next topic pisses me off so much.

5. The continuity problem between episodes VIII and IX

Introducing Palpatine here was bad for so many reasons: backtracking Rey’s arc, making us think about Palps’ sex life, insisting on beating a literal dead horse when there were new things to explore, etc etc. And it was also bad for Kylo Ren’ arc. As I said before, the way they finished episode VIII, everything pointed to Kylo becoming the final evil Rey would have to face, and that would have been awesome. We didn’t need Palps, or ANOTHER all-powerful evil army ready to conquer the galaxy with exploding-planets-tech (seriously, is Alderaan a joke to you, Disn*y?).

But, in the third movie, they went back and decided they didn’t want Kylo Ren to be the ultimate villain anymore. They wanted him to be redeemed. And that’s not bad per se, but an actual redemption arc needs to be planned, and I think we can all agree, there was no planning in the sequels. And again, FRATRICIDE. So they introduced an old, more powerful evil to make Kylo Ren less evil and less of a threat in comparison. And evil so definitive, and with such a bullshit connection to Rey, that it makes Kylo reconsider his previous promises of killing the last jedi and going back to the plan of making her turn.

And so, his character spends the movie going after Rey, to tell her the bullshit truth about her parents, to convince her to join him. At least his arc is still somehow solid, because once he’s decided on his path, he doesn’t lose control like in the previous movies, and his body language is more firm and lethal. Which, honestly, thanks Adam Driver, he knew the character way better than the director at this point.

He finally comes back to the light when Leia dies. Although it was rushed, I agree that, at that point, it was literally the only thing that could have made him turn. Rey reminding him that he wouldn’t be alone if he hadn’t chosen the dark side helped, too. It was clear that the moment with Han Solo was supposed to be with Leia, but I’m really glad Harrison Ford agreed to come back to fill in the role for his old friend.

6. Ben Solo

Okay, there’s so much to unpack here. When Ben Solo finally comes out to play, it’s very good. We can finally see some things that explain Kylo Ren better – it’s so obvious how awkward he was in his own body trying to be an evil sith lord when he is clearly a natural disaster. He still suffers from tunnel vision, but at least now it’s Skywalker-do-or-die tunnel vision. It’s like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, and the way his actions scream Han Solo makes me, once again, wish the first movie had been about him, and not the whole “find a map/ Star Killer base was ANOTHER ridiculous idea / I know R2’s alignment is chaotic bastard but COME ON”.

Star Wars has a notorious story with pulling Force powers out of nowhere, and I’m not going to pretend to be an expert in SW lore, so I won’t complain about the dyad thing (and the weird stuff with the light sabers). I honestly liked the concept. There’s a lot I have to say about the final battle against Palpatine, but I think it would fit better in a future character study about Rey (God, that’s going to be another long ass post). I just want to add that after Luke insisted on her taking both light sabers to Exegol, and after all the crazy stuff Ben did to get to her, they should have, you know, actually fought side by side against 85% dead Palpatine? Aren’t these two idiots supposed to be stronger than that?? I’m not complaining about Rey bringing him down “alone” since she is the protagonist yada yada, I just wished that Ben had done something, instead of being thrown into a hole.

(Palps did that out of spite because of his grandfather? I bet he did.)

I won’t say I didn’t cry hearing the voices of the past jedi talking to Rey, because I definitely did. If anything, it was great to see so many beloved actors getting a chance to honor such iconic characters. But are you freaking shitting on us? Where were ANY of those assholes when Luke, Leia and Ben needed them, like, ten years ago?? “Well, force ghosts should not be used as ex machinas, and they don’t see the future” Tell that to episodes IV, V and VI. Anakin, Obi Wan and Yoda can show up for Vader weird funeral/party with ewoks but they can’t send a jedi signal for the Skywalkers to warn them about Sith bullshit about to happen? “They were probably ahead in the world the comes next and they didn’t have a way to come back, they just talked to Rey because Exegol is a Force nexus and-” And so is Ach-To. And so is Yavin IV. And so is Dagoba (Yes, Snoke sent Ben there for training). Look, I have no problems with Force Ghosts, I love them bastards. I’m just so freaking mad with the lack of coherence in this trilogy. If they did not talk to the Skywalkers – and I’m sure at least Luke and Ben asked Obi Wan/Anakin to show themselves A LOT – they should not have talked to Rey. It was a crowd please moment, for sure, but it was another gigantic middle finger to Ben Solo (before he becomes Kylo Ren).

And then Rey died, and Ben brings her back. I know how many funny jokes are going around in the fandom about how resurrecting Qui-Gon or Padme would have saved the galaxy so much trouble, but again, I’m okay with that. It was previously established that since they were a dyad, they had this living Force between them (although it was rushed in the final like everything else). And it does make sense Ben doing that: he had just come back to the light, and his parents were both dead. Han and Leia were gone because of him, the last time he saw Chewie was as his captor, and before that, he got shot by him, etc, you get the idea. He had nothing else, only this: the chance to make it right by a person that genuinely cared for him. Exchanging his life for Rey’s was nothing: he knew that his family would be waiting for him in the world that comes after.

So, did I like the Bendemption? It. Was. Not. A. Redemption. It was the right choice, and it made things right between him and Rey, because she forgave him for everything. But that’s it. He did not face the consequence of any of his previous actions. “But he died for her!” And we just established that it was not a difficult choice, considering that he had literally no reasons to stay alive if Rey was dead. If you want to see an actual redemption arc, go watch Avatar the Legend of Aang.

And finally, the kiss and the death. Okay, I know I’m digging my own grave by addressing that, but my mama raised no coward. Here it goes: it was fan service, pure and simple. It’s there to make part of the fanbase happy. Good for you, reylos, but to us, not shippers, it came out of nowhere. And I’m not questioning if they had feelings for each other or not: I’m talking about pacing and characterization. I’m not 100% convinced that Rey, as a character, as she was presented to us so far, would have done that. It felt out of place, and it broke the immersion of the scene. I was emotionally invested on what was going on, I was happy to see Ben smiling at her and everything, but then suddenly they were sucking faces and the “FAN SERVICE” alarm was so loud in my mind that I immediately lost interest. If they wanted that in the movie so much, there was probably a better way to do that.

It makes sense that Ben had to die to bring Rey back: one life for another and everything. I still think that, story-wise, it would have been better if none of them had died a ridiculous death, and Ben had faced the consequences of his actions as Kylo Ren, but okay, moving on. The main problem here is what happens after he dies: nothing. Absolute-effing-nothing. He dies, he disappears – which, again, I won’t question because Leia was involved and Skywalkers do whatever they want with the Force and I’m no expert – but that’s it. Rey, the same Rey that had just jumped his bones fifteen seconds earlier, doesn’t even mourn him. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t do anything for him in the end, she just goes to Tattooine because it makes sense to the Skywalker saga to end where it started. She sees more of those Force Ghosts who never appear when they freaking should and that’s it.

Why is it bad? Well, first, like it or not, Ben Solo/Kylo Ren was one of the main characters and he deserved an actual final. Finn and Poe too, but those are long posts for another day. And second, it makes the fan-service in that kiss scene more evident. You can’t have the girl kiss him and in the next scene act like it didn’t matter at all. “Ok, then it was a thank-you kiss and there were no real feelings of loved involved”. But that makes it worse, it would be even more completely out of character for Rey – who avoids physical contact with people on the regular – to just kiss someone as a thank-you. Do you see how the math does not compute? If she had feelings for him, and therefore kissed him, she should have mourned him. If anything, she should at least miss her other part of the dyad thing. And if she didn’t mourn him because she didn’t have actual feelings, then she should not have kissed him. A little consistency, it’s all I’m asking.

7. Conclusions (aka tl;dr)

He was a somehow consistent character, but the lack of plot for the sequels was a huge problem. If the trilogy had been about Ben Solo becomes Kylo Ren – Kylo Ren kills Snoke and becomes the real villain – Rey faces Kylo Ren and she either saves him or kills him, it would have been so much better than the mess the studio did.

His story in the comics is so much more complex than what it is shown in the movies, but what they did to Han, Leia and Luke was a crime.

It was clear that one director had a vision to give him a redemption, and the other to make him the ultimate villain.

Adam Driver did what he could to make this character solid and somehow likable, let’s thank him for that.

There was no reason to bring Palps back,

Rey’s actions in the final are contradictory,

He should have stayed alive to face the consequences of his actions,

and the studio is charged guilt for getting our hopes up just to crush them with their lack of interest in doing something descent for the fans.

But again, that’s just my analysis of this character. Feel free to disagree with me, I would love to see what other people think about Ben Solo/Kylo Ren.

#character study #ben solo #kylo ren #star wars the sequel trilogy #adam driver #bendemption #star wars #long post #I got mad halfway and you can tell #rey #han solo #I blame the studio #mostly

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cmnatic · 7 years

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Get to know me in 100 Questions

1) Have you ever been in a relationship?

Yesss

2) Do you have a crush on anybody?

OH DO I

3) Is there anyone you don’t like?

Generally? People who can’t accept others, be it expressing themselves how they like, or whose hand they choose too hold

4) What is your sexuality?

Gay (GOTY)

5) Do you have any siblings? If so are they older or younger?

Two! And they’re younger, they’re my Brothers.

6) What are your plans for the near future?

(Very) near future is to move away from my Home Town. attend University, start a-fresh and be able to express myself in multiple ways, away from my family

7) What do you usually wear everyday?

Depends on the day, during the week it’s shirt and tie with cargo’s for Work, and on the weekends it’s t-shirt and jeans generally. Unless I’m riding, then it’s thick ass gear the entire time.

8) What songs do you like to listen to?

I’ll cover this answer in a post somewhere

9) Can you give me a link to one of the songs you listen to?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6JpxDebokM

10) What are you usually fond doing?

Driving, attending concerts or chilling with people that I love.

11) What’s your favorite movie genre?

I want to say Horror, but specifically psychological horror. Though, I think Crime / Thrillers is my answer.

12) Do you have any movie recommendations?

The Closet Monster, The way he looks, a few.

13) When is your birthday (Month, day)?

23rd August :S

14) What is your favorite colour?

Blue! or maybe purple. Why not both? live a little

15) What country do you live in?

United Kingdom!

16) Who do you look up to?

Probably Chance the rapper, I find his Music and his story very moving. I don’t want to become him, but what he’s done and his History. Very inspiring. But actually, I would say a colleague that I had the pleasure of working with. He’s improved his life, and is working in a very very cool place.

17) What religion are you in? (Christianity, Buddhism, etc.)

I’m not a followerer of any.

18) What books/fanfics do you recommend for me to read?

To be honest, I’m not really a fan of Books or fanfics as a whole.

19) What are some topics that trigger you?

I don’t really know???

20) What are some of your pet peeves?

A) Loud chewers B) Heavy breathers C) Earphones tangling

21) What shows/anime do you recommend for me to watch?

I reccommend a few TV Shows, I could never get into Anime. Dexter, Hannibal (it’s pretty gory to say the least though) Still game, I have a list. 22) What is your favorite food?

A stir-fry of some description, but like Steak or maybe Chicken to be honest 23) Who is your favorite [Insert anime/show] character?

Will Graham? Oh no! Elliot from Mr Robot, I have a huuuuuuuuuge crush for (Young) Rami Malek

24) What is your favorite kind of chocolate (milk chocolate, dark, special dark, white chocolate, etc.)

Not really a fan of chocolate as a whole, but if I was to have any, I’d choose white chocolate

25) If you could be anywhere in the world, where would you be?

Sweden, or maybe Denmark?

26) Can you draw? If so can you draw yourself/your muse?

Oh how I desperately wish.

27) What hairstyle do you usually have?

Literally cannot describe without providing a photo of it.

28) Do you have another blog? If so can you tell me what it is?

Yeah! https://blog.cmnatic.co.uk

29) What do you like to snack on when you’re bored?

Popcorn or ....... whatever I can find lmao

30) What is your favorite popcorn flavor?

I know how bad it is, but salted.

31) What is your favorite potato chip flavor?

Sweet chili, yeaaah

32) What is the best food to make with potatoes?

Curly fries, fight me if you think otherwise

33) Do you have more interest in planets or stars?

Stars are pretty.

34) What is your Chinese zodiac?

I had to google this but, the Rabbit? I’d say I agree with it actually.

35) What is your horoscope? 36) Do you play video games?

Yeah, a few. Not anywhere near as much as I used too.

37) What video games do you play?

Project Cars, Dirt Rally, League of Legends, and slwoly getting back into Starcraft 2

38) What is your least favorite color?

Yellow, or green.

39) What is your least favorite movie?

I can’t name one specifically ,but I hatedd the Transformers series as a whole. Alongsie other stuff.

40) What is your least favorite food?

Far too much, I don’t like fish, mushrooms, tomatoes. Yeah, i’m pretty bland lmao.

41) What’s your favorite country?

Depends on the Season, Sweden is gorgeous in the Winter, but the UK can be lovely during the Summer so.

42) What is your favorite state? 43) What place would you like to go for sightseeing?

America to be honest, or Iceland actually!

44) Who are your five favorite characters? 45) What are your top five ships?

- @alotofalotte + Harry = lorry

- Yuri and Viktor, though they’re a thing so. I’m behind it regardless.

46) Would you rather see the future or change the past?

I feel like I could make so much more use of the Future, rather then change the past.

47) If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

- A lot. But probably my anxiety and the people I’m surrounded by.

48) If you could be anything what would you be?

Firefighter or a Paramedic actually.

49) What’s better: earrings or necklaces?

Necklaces fo’ sure.

50) What’s your favorite flower?

Cheesy, but despite what it does to my alergies, it’ll be lavendar or elderflower.

51) What’s your favorite band/singer?

Gonna do both because I can’t choose:

Band - Iron Maiden, Guns N roses, Fleetwood Mac

Artists - Post-malone, Troye Sivan, Lorde (but Heroine era) Stevie

52) Who’s your favorite artist?

Probably Troye.

53) What is your favorite quote and who’s it by? 54) What’s your favorite book and who’s it by? 55) Who’s your favorite author? 56) What do you think of [Insert blog name]? 57) Do you like to play board games/card games?

Yes!

58) What’s your favorite board game?

In Sweden, there’s a ‘traditional’ Board Game called “Bondespelet” where you manage a farm, choose the crops that you want plant during the Seasons, and you have to make as much Money as you can and beat the other farmers.

59) What’s your favorite card game to play?

Cards against Humanity, my sick humour can’t hide that lmao.

60) Will you ever do a face reveal?

Possibly, lets see if I continue well with my weight loss.

61) Do you wear glasses or contact lenses?

No! But I used too wear glasses a few years ago.

62) Do you have braces or anything for your teeth?

Nope

63) What’s your favorite form of art?

Music, or photography.

64) Do you like to cook/bake?

Cook, yes

65) What’s your favorite food to cook/bake?

Oh gosh, anything really. I just like the act of cooking.

66) 67) Do you wear any accessories?

Nope, not really.

68) What’s your favorite kind of cookie?

Chocolate chip if I had to choose.

69) Are you still a virgin?

Heh. *ahem* I don’t advertise if I am or not, people who know me, know if I am or not. 70) What inspires you?

Seeing the work that other people do.

71) What’s your favorite poem and who’s it by? 72) What’s your favorite brand?

Oh this is a good one, I can’t think of particular ultra favourites.

73) Norse or Greek mythology?

Norse. 74) Favorite YouTuber and why?

Big Narstie, he’s beyond hilarious. Or uh, Jim Sterling. Bigclive live, he dissaembles electrics and stuff. Very cool stuff

75) What your favorite drink?

Ribena, or capri-sun or, Greggs Lemonade. Depends on the day to be honest. I’m like a pregnant woman in that sense.

76) would you rather drink coffee or tea?

Neither, I don’t drink both

77) Soda or no soda?

Again, changes like upon the week.

78) What’s your favorite soda?

Coke cherry.

79) Minecraft or Terraria?

Minecraft, though Terraria is quite fun too.

80) Are you still in school?

Nope, but I will be heading into Uni shortly.

81) Would you rather married or single?

I honestly don’t know, I’d say married cause I hated being Single once I wasn’t single.

82) Are you friends with any blogs irl?

Yes!

83) What’s better: hot or cold?

Cold. For. Definite.

84) Are you an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere between?

I was an Introvert, I’d like to think over the past year I’ve been leaning more to extrovert, but I’d still be majorly introvert.

85) Do you curse/say bad words?

Too fuckin’ much. I even change them up, makes it interesting. 86) Did you ever witness bad incidents or accidents?

Yeah.

87) Have you ever gotten into a bad incident or accident?

Yeah, Ive come off a motorbike twice, I wouldn’t say it was serious, but damn i felt it for a good few days. My knee from the 2nd one still causes me a bit of pain here and there today.

88) What language(s) do you speak?

Swedish and English

89) If you could speak any language what would it be?

It’d be something like German, It’s aggressive but there’s something about it. idk.

90) What are your opinions on sharks?

Fin.

91) Do you have any pets? How many?

3 pets!

92) What’s your favorite element?

I don’t really have one aha. But it’d be ones that people combine to make a funny work, I like those kinds of things.

93) What’s your favorite season?

Winter, or the season before Winter when it transitions from Summer to winter (fall?)

94) Have you ever gotten trouble? What for?

No, not really. Had run-ins with the police, but nothing came of it and/or was anything to do with me.

95) would you rather go on defense or offense?

Defense

96) Choose one: Spiders, Snakes, or Sharks?

None, all of them terrify me.

97) What place have you gone to for vacation? Was it fun?

Spain, that was quite enjoyable!

98) Do you have any phobias? What are some of them? 99) What’s your favorite time of the year?

Again, winter. But I’ve enjoy the Summer of this year, so many things with sos many cool people.

100) Top bunk or bottom bunk?

Bottom bunk, even though I’m certified at working at heights. Watching me climb up ladders is a sight and a half. I can’t be dealing with that when I first wake up.

#get to know me #easy answers #nothing to hide #pretty sfw / non-embarassing #100 questions #aboutme #more to come

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topfygad · 5 years

Text

We Suddenly Lost Our Dog to Hemangiosarcoma

Our rescue pit bull Scooby entertained extended family with his usual antics on Mother’s Day. He jumped into my husband’s lap at the table knowing that’s where he was most likely to source scraps of the expensive poached salmon I ordered from a restaurant down the street.

We pulled his bed over to the table so that he could snore away, per usual, while we played some card games after our meal. He and I later curled up in bed to enjoy the penultimate episode of “Game of Thrones.” It was business as usual.

Monday came and went without much fanfare. On Tuesday morning, everyone (including Scooby) enjoyed their usual harried breakfast routine before school departure. I went out to yoga, and my husband headed out for beach jog but noticed on his way out that Scooby was a little uneasy, which wasn’t entirely unusual. He was a nervous dog, had just turned 10, and loud construction noise was coming from a neighbor’s house. Noise, trucks, and strange men talking scare him, so he wasn’t behaving out of line.

When I returned home, Scooby wasn’t at the door to greet me. He was lying on the living room rug and wouldn’t even get up for food, a highly unusual event. The dog loved food. I had to coax him up.

A few hours later, we were sitting in the vet’s office. Fecal and blood tests were run with normal results. His physical exam didn’t reveal anything unusual, either. Maybe it’s his thyroid. Perhaps it’s the result of a hypoallergenic diet including grain-free food, a topic for another day, but one dog owners should be aware of. Dinner was refused, but he slept well and woke up on Wednesday morning with tons and tons of energy.

Relief swept over the entire family. The only thing out of the ordinary was that he was extra hungry from having skipped dinner. I’m so glad we indulged him with a little bit more bacon and other treats throughout the entire day. We took our usual walk, and he eagerly jumped into our bed in the middle of the night to sleep with us. I wrapped him in a blanket, and he snored away until he, per usual, bolted out of bed after hearing my daughter wake up for school. Breakfast came and went, and so did our housekeepers (which causes him stress).

My radar went up again when he refused his usual midday Greenie snack, which he gets while we make lunch. Instead of being tired like he was on Tuesday, this time, I could tell he was uncomfortable. Maybe he just needed sleep, which seemed to work wonders on Tuesday. Instead, he tossed, turned, and shivered in his bed next to my desk. He still barked to announce the arrival of the mail carrier and moved with me to other rooms in the house.

I knew something was wrong, but at the time it was impossible to tell if it was indigestion or something more significant. After studying him for a few hours (which I regret), I called the vet again and we were summoned in for a chest X-ray to rule out cardiomyopathy. I wasn’t sure if we really needed to go to the vet, given his prior day recovery, but went anyway.

He never came home (or even whimpered once throughout the entire ordeal).

An ultrasound revealed fluid in his abdomen, and a sample taken revealed that it was blood. She told me that dogs with this condition go to surgery or heaven. Given that it was rush hour to the nearest pet emergency room, they gave him an IV of fluids (and lots of hugs — he always held everyone’s hands in the vet’s office which was funny) to keep him comfortable during the car ride, left the catheter in, and sent us on our way.

We’re not strangers to the veterinary hospital where our local emergency room is, given that we’re there at least every six months to have his hemangiomas (more on these later) lasered off. So, he sniffed the same plants and dog area on the way in and politely sat down as a couple cut the line in front of us. I had to push my way in. We didn’t look like it, but we were as emergency as it gets, which I now understand more than I did at the time.

An ER tech immediately came to get him. Rather than the usual paperwork I fill out when there, I verbally agreed to certain procedures and a do not resuscitate order (DNR). (This was hard. I had always indicated yes to resuscitate because his laser surgeries had always been minor and the surgeon’s staff agreed with this choice because if things went south, we’d make a decision later.) Our vet had already called ahead and sent the X-rays and test results.

He was rushed away though my husband points out that he walked himself throughout the entire process. Dazed, I sat in the waiting area. Thankfully, the most social and well-behaved cat on a leash distracted everyone in there. People in the waiting room at this time of day are usually not there for happy reasons.

It didn’t take long for them to call me into a room where I waited for the ER doctor. She confirmed that her ultrasound showed fluid in his abdomen. Since our vet extracted blood and he had a history of hemangiomas on his skin, I had two choices.

Ultrasound his entire body. I would only do this if I was consenting to surgery. Surgery with a condition like this typically extends life by a month, if it is even successful. And, he was going to need a blood transfusion first which takes time that he wasn’t going to likely have. The cancerous blood already washed his major organs.

Euthanize him right away because he was bleeding to death.

That’s a lot to process out of the blue.

I called my husband, and we agreed to number two. The ER doctor flat out told me this was the most humane thing to do. I trust this hospital and its staff and do not have regrets about this decision. I spared no expense on Scooby throughout his entire life (including TPLO surgery that he healed brilliantly from). I would have paid ridiculous sums of money to save him if I could have. Number two was about his quality of life. And it needed to be done as soon as possible.

My next decision though haunts me. I wasn’t sure how quickly number two would occur. Is it normal for a 12-year-old to see her best friend euthanized? (The answer, I later learned, is yes.) There was more paperwork (a blur), and then I was led into the room where it happens. It took a little bit of time for Scooby to arrive, and I was told to take as much time as I needed with him. I only took a few minutes because he looked terrible and had obviously slid downhill to the point where there was no question number two was the right thing to do. I was the only other family member there, but he and I were bonded. I was his person.

By the time we were in that room together though, my daughter and husband probably could have fought traffic to be with us. I didn’t make that calculation, nor do I ask what the time frame would be. If you’re ever in the same position, ask how long you have. I wish they could have brought his favorite blanket and held his hands, too. Everything happened so quickly, but no one wanted to prolong his suffering.

I spooned him like he was used to and told him what an amazing dog he is. A deep sedative put him to sleep, and then a second shot stopped his heart. I felt it stop beating on my arm immediately. It was quick.

A few days, many tears, and many Google searches later, I now understand what happened to my perfect boy.

Hemangiosarcoma

I’m not a veterinarian. I’m writing this as a pet owner who has gone through a dog’s sudden death by aggressive cancer called hemangiosarcoma, a cancer of the blood vessel walls. I hope that if you see the same signs that I did, that you will not hesitate before calling the vet which will hopefully allow you to give your dog the best quality of life and least amount of pain until the very end.

This silent killer usually shows no clinical signs until the end is inevitable. I’ve now read multiple stories from other dog owners in shock from how their dog can drop dead a few hours after being wholly energetic and fine.

Dogs very rarely die from heart attacks, but they do suddenly die from hemangiosarcoma. The Golden Retriever Club of America National Health Survey revealed that the chances of golden retrievers developing hemangiosarcoma in a lifetime are 1 in 5. Pit bulls, Labrador retrievers, German Shepherds are also prone to the disease.

The most common place for malignant tumors to grow is on the spleen, but they can grow anywhere there are blood vessels and spread to other major organs. Since you can’t see them, you and perhaps your dog won’t know cancer exists until things have progressed to the point of no return. If tumors are isolated to the spleen and haven’t burst, the spleen can be removed, which may buy your dog some time but not usually more than a month. And, chemotherapy might be recommended to extend life few months beyond that hopefully. It’s a no-win situation.

I should have known he was at risk for this cancer, given his history of cutaneous hemangiomas. Hemangiomas are the benign form of hemangiosarcoma. I had not linked the two, and it’s a probably good thing because I would have obsessed over his every ailment even more than I already did.

Cutaneous hemangiomas are likely (but they’re not sure) caused by the sun. They look like blood blisters. He has one on his cheek in this photo.

Cutaneous hemangiomas grew on him quickly and in all sizes, even though we kept him out of the sun and covered him in dog-safe sunscreen when he was in the sun for walks and short outings. They ranged from light red to nearly black. Four months before he died, a rather large one appeared on his leg that had grown to the size of a grape. Our surgeon wasn’t worried, and we always sent the suspicious looking ones to the lab. It was lasered off.

His history of cutaneous hemangiomas combined with burst tumor(s) internally is why the ER vet didn’t hesitate to recommend euthanasia.

Warning Signs to Look For

Scooby’s symptoms were sudden lethargy and lack of appetite. They think the reason why he experienced this on Tuesday and completely recovered for one day on Wednesday is that the bleeding was light, somehow clotted, and he made more blood cells to compensate for the loss of blood. On Thursday, the day he died, the bleeding restarted in a more forceful manner.

I debated whether or not to take him to the vet on Thursday afternoon, and would have taken him in a few hours earlier had I known to check his mouth. Pale gums and tongue indicate anemia which combined with lethargy and lack of appetite signals that something is wrong. His gums were fine on Tuesday as were his labs. On Thursday, his gums were very pale. I wish I would have known to look at them because I’d have known it wasn’t indigestion. Before going to the vet on Thursday, we had no idea that he was ill.

Other symptoms that are common with hemangiosarcoma, that Scooby didn’t have, include a distended abdomen, seizures, collapsing, arrhythmia, abnormal breathing.

Long Days Afterward

Hemangiosarcoma causes dog owners extraordinary pain because we’re forced to make immediate decisions we’re unprepared for. We question what we did wrong (which is probably nothing) and wonder how we missed the signs (because there weren’t any). The loss is sudden and traumatic. It will take a long time for me to recover.

The other point of this post is to let people going through this same miserable trauma know that they are not alone. There are a lot of us. You’ll soon see what I mean when you start talking about it to others.

One of the many things I need to reconcile with is that Scooby was not the type of dog who would have handled a long term disease well (not that anyone does). He liked to be within a few inches of or attached to a human at every minute, and this does take a lot of moving around given the fact that we have a tween in the house. If I could have carried him in a Baby Bjorn all day, he’d have been cool with that.

We felt he deserved whatever we could give him as we’re confident he was abused before he came to us. We are desperately trying to take comfort in the fact that it was a “good” way for him to go because he likely didn’t experience much discomfort until his final day.

He was so loved, and proof that rescued pit bulls can make brilliant family dogs. It was just his time.

from Cheapr Travels https://ift.tt/30S4NaL via https://ift.tt/2NIqXKN

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topfygad · 5 years

Text

We Suddenly Lost Our Dog to Hemangiosarcoma

He never came home (or even whimpered once throughout the entire ordeal).

Euthanize him right away because he was bleeding to death.

That’s a lot to process out of the blue.

A few days, many tears, and many Google searches later, I now understand what happened to my perfect boy.

Hemangiosarcoma

Cutaneous hemangiomas are likely (but they’re not sure) caused by the sun. They look like blood blisters. He has one on his cheek in this photo.

His history of cutaneous hemangiomas combined with burst tumor(s) internally is why the ER vet didn’t hesitate to recommend euthanasia.

Warning Signs to Look For

Other symptoms that are common with hemangiosarcoma, that Scooby didn’t have, include a distended abdomen, seizures, collapsing, arrhythmia, abnormal breathing.

Long Days Afterward

He was so loved, and proof that rescued pit bulls can make brilliant family dogs. It was just his time.

source http://cheaprtravels.com/we-suddenly-lost-our-dog-to-hemangiosarcoma/

0 notes

topfygad · 5 years

Text

We Suddenly Lost Our Dog to Hemangiosarcoma

He never came home (or even whimpered once throughout the entire ordeal).

Euthanize him right away because he was bleeding to death.

That’s a lot to process out of the blue.

A few days, many tears, and many Google searches later, I now understand what happened to my perfect boy.

Hemangiosarcoma

Cutaneous hemangiomas are likely (but they’re not sure) caused by the sun. They look like blood blisters. He has one on his cheek in this photo.

His history of cutaneous hemangiomas combined with burst tumor(s) internally is why the ER vet didn’t hesitate to recommend euthanasia.

Warning Signs to Look For

Other symptoms that are common with hemangiosarcoma, that Scooby didn’t have, include a distended abdomen, seizures, collapsing, arrhythmia, abnormal breathing.

Long Days Afterward

He was so loved, and proof that rescued pit bulls can make brilliant family dogs. It was just his time.

from Cheapr Travels https://ift.tt/30S4NaL via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Cheapr Travels

0 notes