#okay but little positive for myself

[enjomo-arch]

happy ramble in tags

#「002」 𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗖𝗧𝗘𝗥 #rambling in tags #okay but little positive for myself #im very happy how i'm writing ace and really happy of my work of expanding the knowledge i managed to learn about him #all things from the anime and manga and novels and everything i could find regarding his little details #like i put really a lot into him and his muse flows really nicely #i think i do well with his speech patterns and behavior especially regarding troubles and how he overcame them with time going on #im really happy also about my mutuals and so many people were excited and willing to write with my ace #and many told me how my portrayal is shining and i just #can't thank you all enough for that ?? you're all what gives me motivation to keep going and expand more and more #build all the relations between ace and other muses of ya'll #it's been some time since I write him i started in january and i went so long with all of it i managed to build im just #very thankful of everything of ya'll's time and effort and just sticking to me #it makes me very happy ... i can't put it in words other than just thank you for being here and making my experience great

[a-earthssprout]

this blog will soon be archived & Ari will be moved to a fresh one, same url & everything. I'm not sure exactly when I will make this move--perhaps when I can finally muster some inspiration to write something, which is certainly not now--but all relationships & plots will move with it, along with a handful of asks & threads. everything else will be abandoned here.

to everyone who has been waiting months & months for a response from me: I'm sorry 😔 I know that I should have been better about replying--more on top of things--but instead I let things get on top of me. I can sit here & promise you that I'm interested in interaction still, but it helps to also feel it, yes ? 🥺 I've not done a good job ... & I hope, with this move, to be much better about this.

again, thank you all for your endless support & interest. when the new blog is made, I hope to see you there ! 🌻

#( 🌸 | ooc // .mobile. ) #( tbh late hours at my new job haven't been the only thing getting in my way ... #quality of life--as we know--is not linear & I suppose I am currently on a downswing 😔 #such is only a natural part of the human experience ... & it is likely to start climbing back up eventually #it's a comforting thought at least #but I'm not going to go into detail as to why I'm so sad. it's not the place for that 🌱 #but I also don't want to keep lying--keep masking--& telling everyone I'm doing okay & making false promises #with the hope that I will be okay soon. not only is this unfair to you all but it is also unkind to myself #Ari's place is supposed to be a happy wholesome one & no matter what I'm going through ... I do intend to keep it that way 🌷 #I'm sending what little positive energy I have to all of you & hope to see you around again real soon 🍃 )

[calkale]

guys ngl. i am at my limit

#i hate feeling like im stupid because i cant do online class for the third year in a row #and im not even in college or uni so it doesnt feel like im actually getting anywhere or doing something that matters #its just the same fucking thing every day and it has been for years #and there arent even little things that make it okay there is quite literally nothing good in my life rn and there hasnt been for months #i cant even go to school in the fall no matter if i get in or not and because of that im so unmotivated and tired #im trying really hard to stay positive but its hard when you have no one in your life #love my online friends obvi but its not what i need rn i need people i get along with and can be myself around in person #but im trapped here #and theres nothing i can do about it #and sorry for the personal rant but i feel like shit

[gxlden-angels]

Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health #whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart #he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful #I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism #it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick #my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive #cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond #and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable #but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better #Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve #like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable #I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't #control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't #I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it #I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but #they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever #Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too #Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3

[dirtbra1n]

there’s a word for it. a name. for the people who take care of corpses before a funeral. hanzawa masato doesn’t remember it right now, though, because right now he’s up in the midnight hours, lying flat on the couch in the living room. too warm. he doesn’t care to remember it, the name.

it’s way, way too warm.

dying used to be simpler than this. there was no pavement, there were no buildings, there were no faceless people.

cold, though. there was cold.

the water wasn’t really flowing, too shallow, he was slowing it down, but his blood was. staining the ice.

it was gross.

he couldn’t stretch out his legs, couldn’t reach his arms out over his head. his fingers were cold and useless and deadened, and slow. the air he was struggling to breathe was pushing in and flowing out of his lungs through the puncture wound in his chest. so slow.

he’s been there before. he’s here now.

sitting stiff in the water, soaked to the bone, dying in isolation. bleeding out, masato thinks he’s alive. suffocating, he’s convinced he won’t be for much longer.

he’s not sure he’s anywhere.

dying used to be so easy.

instead of waiting until he couldn’t stand to look at himself anymore, kneeling until his head went under and waiting it out, probably getting swept away by the current until he crashed downstream—he wouldn’t know, he never lived to see that part—instead of that—

he’s wading around a little lost. he’s bleeding. the ghosts only look at him when they know it’ll sting worst, long shadows cast over the water, malformed specters dancing in mockery of him. he thinks his feet are getting a little worse than sliced up by jagged hateful rocks out of sight. that’s depressingly the least of his worries. it’s being impaled by the moon in a loop of time that fucking hates him. but he’s already bleeding. he’s a little surprised that he’s still got blood to bleed.

instead of releasing what could have become a burden, it’s him standing, helplessly, in the river, night after night after night. because it’s nighttime now. it keeps being nighttime.

it’s the kind of thing you’d almost expect to be a relief.

“hanzawa senpai.”

masato turns his head, creaky like a wooden doll. “…tashiro-kun.”

kimono-clad, he offers a hand. “you’re not face first in muck this time.”

masato doesn’t take it. a sharp smile curves his cheeks, not insincere. “thank you. ‘this time?”

tashiro smiles sheepishly down at him. squints. “did you die?”

“do I look dead?”

it’s hard to see from the water, but masato knows that tashiro’s shifted his eyes. saw it in the back of his mind, recorded on crackly film. he says, instead of answering, “I’ve got bandages.”

masato wishes he had something to rest his elbows on, to brace himself on. it doesn’t feel right playing his games standing upright, his hands in his sleeves instead of holding his head on his shoulders. “ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato knows what.

tashiro replies anyway, drily from up on uneven paving, “hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”

“tashiro-kun, did I die?”

things are splintering a little. crackly film.

a web of cracks splitting tashiro’s composure, his voice shaking, “why did you?”

that wasn’t what masato asked.

—

“hanzawa senpai.”

“…”

“senpai.”

“…tashiro-kun.”

“you’re not face first in muck this time.”

the smile’s carving itself in, muscle memory. masato’s not going to ask what he meant by this time. “thank you.”

“did you die?”

“do I look dead?”

in the old school projector film behind his eyelids, the flickering doesn’t feel out of place. “I’ve got bandages.”

“ta-shi-ro-kuuun, what do you think I need those for?” masato’s always known what.

“hanzawa senpai, you’re bleeding. you need blood. to survive.”

“tashiro-kun, did I die?”

the shadows cast by a lantern hidden just behind tashiro make his shoulders look broad. masato swallows down a laugh, but he’s not sure what’s funny. “don’t be shallow, senpai, looks aren’t everything.”

the laugh comes out anyway. he manages, “I feel dead, forget the looks.”

“I can’t. I won’t.”

masato takes his turn to squint. they weren’t taking turns. it doesn’t matter. he doesn’t know if he still feels like laughing. he knows for sure that he can’t think of anything to say.

it’s just as well. tashiro isn’t having the same problem. “I think you should just, I don’t know. care about yourself more.”

masato swallows. his lips press into a chagrined line. “I don’t not care,” he says.

tashiro looks right through him. his eyes are like headlights.

he doesn’t actually need to say it, and masato can tell that he almost doesn’t, but maybe tashiro thought he needed to hear it out loud, feel it taking up space. maybe he was right.

“your caring sucks, senpai. it killed you.”

masato doesn’t want to follow that thread. “how many times have you been here, tashiro-kun?”

tashiro doesn’t buy into it. his demeanor is at once solemn and jarringly pleading, “senpai, won’t you live for once?”

masato means to say it like a joke, because it is one, but by accident the words, “how could I begin to deny you,” are dropping off his tongue, he doesn’t even know why, he doesn’t know why he said that, and no amount of exaggerated irreverence can hide from tashiro—eyes like cleavers, more like—the characters slipping into the water.

the ripples aren’t all that big, but they’re big enough.

like when your head aches, or the gash in your chest is losing you too much blood, or the water is tugging itself a little too close to that gash to be comfortable. something like that. something like that. it’s enough.

he doesn’t think he’s making any sense. it’s just too warm.

“maa-kun,” his older brother’s crooning, pushing his damp bangs off his forehead with cold fingers, “I think you’re sick.”

masato blinks away what he hopes is sweat. “gross.”

“not gross, worrying. sit up please.”

“I’ll throw up.”

“you won’t.”

“you’re right, I won’t.”

he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, on the couch that he’s sweating all over, and he’s watching a fan across the room spin and it’s nauseating and he stops looking at it. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, by his older brother, because his mom’s out of town visiting her sister. he’s getting fussed over in the middle of the night, feeling a little out of his body. feeling a little—not at all—a lot like a little kid again. feeling sick, and pathetic.

he goes into the bathroom, wobbly and upset and over-warm, and he throws up.

—

reality’s tearing itself up, his dreams are eating it up, he’s falling apart and melting at the seams, he sits in almost-too-cold water until he thinks he’s gonna throw up again.

put him on ice, already, the sooner the funeral the sooner he can get some fucking rest.

his older brother’s sitting against the door frame, slipping in and out of consciousness. he murmurs, reaching forward to pet his hair, “‘s it too cold?”

masato doesn’t think it’s sweat. “it’s okay.”

—

it wouldn’t have been a very good joke, even if it’d come out right.

masato thinks he just choked around, “I want to. I want to.”

#iii of iii: funeral arrangements #hanzawa to tashiro #hanzawa masato #tashiro gonzaburou #…hanzawa masato’s nii-san as well #getting all my darts tags out of the way first. #now then. it’s been two months. most of what you see here was written in the last two hours #number of reasons for this. no idea what most of them are though #writers block for a bit Maybe ‘‘‘‘hyperfixations’’’’ other than this one DEFINITELY #but also. a breadth of images in my head that want out but maybe don’t fit here or there. Yeah. probably will be a followup of miscellaneous #lines and so on later. like spring cleaning. but on the cusp of the new year #i don’t know. it’s time being weird and dreams being weirder and looping over and over #and it’s the sibling emotion bleeding all over. because that’s where i’ve been since at least november #two months ago ogasawara was supposed to be in funeral arrangements. two months is a long time. #i’m warm while i’m writing this. #also in a little bit of a fugue state. the word masato was looking for was ‘undertaker’ #okay. it’s good to get this out no matter what. because putting myself in a position of obligation with i ii and iii. was bold for me #but. i think i don’t mind in the end #that said What gets written from this point forward gets written. no one expect anything from me for a bit #but also feel free to put thoughts in my head. i do so like using words for those sorts of things #enough from me now. good talk #dirtbrain writing

[copiasblair]

every day has been so hard lately but it's okay. i'm doing my best

#i finally started working on my dress again. i haven't made much progress but i made a little #i'll have periods where i'm not thinking about it and then i'll remember #and i'll start shaking and crying again #but it's okay. just a little bit day by day even if it doesn't go away #i can handle it better #i can keep just surrounding myself with the things that make me happy #and live in my own reality in my head where everything's okay #and just try to focus on the positive things even if they're small #what do you have to say doll?

[wavernot4love]

hello i see ag 2morrow for the second show of boom done tour i am so excited

i haven't been to a show since thursday @ the end of january in typical northeast "no one, quite understandably, tours here in the winter" fashion & i very much need this i am so very much looking forward 2 it also this is gonna be a GREAT month 4 shows

#i may be manifesting this somehow reaches someone somewhere also going #also tonight is about to be spent absolutely cramming boom done etc #as despite the fact that i technically got introduced to homie's music via a boom done set #at that fest i was working in summer '22 #i still am not really acquainted with it #i am primarily going for good vibes and to support #but that's just as of now #i can Entirely see myself coming to love these songs just like the rest of that dude's projects #anyways i am soloing and while of course i have no problem doing this for shows in general #i am a bit nervous since i'm used 2 just blending in with a crowd due to moshing everybody being packed in etc #whereas here that obviously won't be a thing and everyone will kinda just be standing there noddin along #but it is okay i always seem to find cool folks to talk to at ag related shows #and even if i don't i know i'll have a great time #also i really hope the epic wavernot4love x anthony crossover can finally happen #genuinely i have so much 2 say this dude's music has had such a positive impact on my life this past year n a half #and i wanna chat about that a little bit #anyways off i go 2 jam some ag tunes i am so excited also mohawk place is a gr8 venue i can't wait to be back there #also ah i'm gonna see if i can find anything setlist wise from the first show 2nite in pa since i kinda like to know what 2 expect #anthony green #ls dunes #boom done #wavernot4love gets 2 the gig #wavernot4lovetalksmusic #wavernot4love talks ag tunes #yippee

[rosicheeks]

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I never thought I would see a video of you singing! You are so beautiful. Your voice is amazing! To see your cuteness while you sing is wonderful. Those cheeks! Your face is so expressive, and your shoulder roll was so fun. Those freckles! and that giggle at the end...(big sigh)...

The sound I made when I saw the ask about it was not as embarrassing as the sound I made when found that the video was still up. You have made me so happy with this. I know it's silly but I teared up listening to it because I had to close my eyes to stop from crying. This is so beautiful! You are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with how you look. Thank you Princess! Thank you!

#I know I’ve used this gif before #but this is literally me right now #I’m not OKAY #I’m a fucking mess right now actually #I’ve had a really bad day and to see all the positivity and kind words about my singing video is literally making my day #I’ve thought about making a TikTok specifically for singing videos and now I’m feeling a little more confidence about it 🥺 #still don’t know if I’ll ever do it #but it just sounds fun #I have a few duets that i sing by myself and I thought it would be fun to do both parts somehow #either do some sort of edit #or like different makeup on either side of my face and turn to the camera whatever character I’m singing (if that makes sense) #ok getting distracted #back to one of the sweetest asks I’ve ever received #same with the other ask from my dear 🌸 I’m going to keep this ask near and dear to my heart #this means more to me than I can ever express #like I’m going to screenshot both of these asks and save them for a sad day and when I need a pick me up #I said before but I’ll say it again voice compliments are one of my favorites #I’m speechless and I don’t know what to say anymore tbh #you are way way WAY to kind to me 😭 I don’t deserve all these lovely words #thank you so much for this ask and being such a sweetie #can’t imagine anyone tearing up over me singing popular tbh 🥺😭 #that’s just so sweet #maybe I’ll have to sing one of my super sad ballads and see if I can make you sob #some of the songs I sing to myself hit my heart really deeply so I sometimes cry while singing them #also ‘you are so beautiful and it has nothing to do with the way you look’ hold on I need a fucking minute #I’m sobbing again #thank you so so so so so much #idk how much longer I’ll keep the video up cause face but go enjoy it while it’s there 😇 #fav asks #sweet asks

[stormyoceans]

Am i the only one who's disappointed that we still don't have a definite date for last twilight? I thought we'd know more about the show and the airing date today but the only info they always offer is that it's in November. I am of course not blaming the cast or backaof, i know they can't say much, and I also wanna be patient but we've been waiting for so long. just give us the trailer 😭 godji has seen it, so it's there and ready for the world pleaseee

Sorry for the negativity. I just wanted to vent for a bit

that's perfectly fine, anon, please don't worry, you don't have to apologize!!!! i hope this blog can be a little safe space for you guys and im always gonna be willing to listen if anyone needs it, no matter the topic

in this case, i can't speak for every nomnoms out there, but im still fairly confident in saying that at some point we've all shared this same feeling of disappointment and frustration at the lack of info. hell, i think most fandoms felt like this at some point (i remember the absolute radio silence over anything 23.5 related), and this is just due to one of the biggest issues GMMTV has: poor management. it's what happens when you get to the end of the year with 6 series still waiting to be aired and no clear schedule or plan preemptively made on how to deal with that. tbh i don't even think p'aof, the cast and the last twilight admin themselves actually know when the trailer is gonna be released, which is why they can only reassure us that it's gonna happen soon and that the show is indeed gonna be airing in november

but on a more positive note, despite not having a set date yet, we KNOW we're at the final stretch!!!!!! the show is either gonna take the place of only friends or dangerous romance which means the trailer HAS TO drop some time in the next two weeks!!!!! just a little more time, just a bit more patience, and we'll finally get it!!!!!!

ANY DAY NOW WE'RE GONNA CHECK OUR PHONES AND FIND THE TRAILER WAITING FOR US AND IN THAT MOMENT WE'LL KNOW ALL THIS WAIT HAS BEEN WORTH IT

#sending you a hug on the spiritual plane anon!!!!! #i definitely understand how you feel and i've been pretty frustrated about it myself #especially when you have shows like only friends and hidden agenda that aired while they were still filming #and others that are made to wait months before airing even if they're already done (thinking about cooking crush) #anyway sometimes negativity gets the best of us and that's fine!!!! #we can't be expected to always be positive (that's not healthy either) so when things get hard it's okay to vent and rely on others!!!! #not sure if im taking this too seriously ;;;;; but im here if you need it and i hope this could at least help a little!!!! #💜💜💜 #last twilight the series #m: ask

[yoohyeontual]

My body went numb a little and I’m stressed, cause I hope everything is not coming back and I’m afraid to go to sleep (cause you know I’ll feel it more since I’m not distract and I will panic) but I have to wake up in 2 hours for Puppy’s pills so I have to so sleep now 😭

#I hate being home alone that’s why I can’t leave my parents house even my dad would prefer I did (not seriously) jdidnjd #I weirdly don’t feel tired I think it’s cause I took a mini nap #even if I don’t actually sleep if I take a nap it’s like I slept 10 hours idk why #my body should allow me to have nap more often #I feel like I’m gonna panic and at 4am i still won’t be asleep so Pups gonna have his pills a little earlier #it’s suppose to be at 5 cause that’s the time my dad go to work during the week so we have a schedule #but on weekend if we wake up at 4am (or still awake in my case) we give it or sometime my parents préférer to wake up at 6am and give it #I don’t cause if the sun is up I can’t go back to sleep easily 5 is good #the pills are every 8 hours so it’s okay if there’s an hours less / more in between #that’s a think that stress me out when I’ll start working it’s 5am-1pm-9pm so what’s going to happen at 1pm if no one’s home 😭 #my mom do have a fix work schedule now so we could do 7-3-11 instead since my dad is home 4pm max #but my mom old job had a schedule all over the place it would have been messy unless I would have one fix myself #anyway going to sleep and I hope my body is just tired of being in the same 2 position most of the day #at least my eye dosen’t hurt anymore there’s that ! #goodnight ! #alex.txt

[superbattrash]

okay, nope, today’s been Too Much and I will now indulge in my stupid fries and burger cravings

#tw: eating disorder #I really need to find a therapist soon #I’m making the food myself though. im not ordering takeout #I guess that’s the positive in this #misha rants #binge eating sucks but like. controlled binge eating sucks a little less #im trying okay?

[oatbugs]

i can feel every single nerve and organ and bone inside my body. an exercise in emptiness: what will the next thought in your head be?

#i feel like im going insane . went in the psych department w my friend again i decided to stop hating it for no reason except that its not #maths . why the fuck dont you study ? because the module name starts with a PS ? i need to love it without #feeling shame for myself . i feel like im gonna get into trouble with my university for prying open locked automatic doors at 1 AM but its #alright (that building is haunted anyway). its not about him but it is but it really isnt its about everything it means its about the way i #cant cry for myself the way i used to its the sadness and happiness and that im turning 20 soon and im going a little insane but im shocked #that i still have friends i love im shocked that i am loved im shocked that i dont feel disgusted thinking about him yet #(and ill look for a man to turn me into a hare just like you did when you did what you did) #when alt j 3ww said . f5 f6 f6 f5 f5 #i constantly feel like my chest is about to explode and i have no idea why its a physical pain its great and also horrible #id like to rip out my ribcage and put a bird and some flowers inside it id like to rip out my sternum and pierce the thoughts with it #4 43 AM i have an exam about brains i stared at a vintage photo of a brain pinned and labelled i learned the names and positions of sulci #im learning about magic (action potentials) and gates inside your brain and every day i learn how hard your body tries to keep you alive #(his lips turn sharp when he smiles) (choking on flowers and music and fear) (feel every feeling inside my throat feel metal at the back #of my head) (i miss your hard edges i miss your bone marrow) #hypothesis : perhaps if i put my lips on someone elses lips and i dont let go of them for a few hours ill be okay #needle (sharp like the spice in what i made you) shooting 5 mg of haldol straight into the hypothalamus . gave myself a concussion and #since that night my head has been blooming . the violin today felt like liquid gold . moderato - spiritoso - the bow turned my heart inside #out . id like to scream and i have no idea why but one day i will turn my vertebrae into a bouquet of flowers for you all. #yesterday my boy with the beautiful hair looked at me and held me tight enough that i heard his heartbeat (or maybe it was mine) #for a second or two and i wish i could lean on him for this except his heart has been crushed by the mathematician discerning eyes #for a while and a half . #dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed and your hand touches my hand and every day i am amazed by the way your mind #turns my guts and my heart inside out #for a second or two and i wish i could lean on his bony shoulders for this except his lungs have filled with water #for a while and a half . dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed i stare at the grace of her hands you are evidence #that angels and pomegranate seeds and create the economist of our dreams . game theory and good actions by any other name . #she makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the north sea

[dykedragons]

good moment

#ramblies #some little good things happened over the last couple days and im finally feeling it #like just.... WOW i dont know why i worry so much. a moment of clarity without the self doubt and im realizing just how good it can be #i need to be kinder to myself i think. i dont know why im so cruel like ooooghghgh im so overbearing but also i dont give enough #ooogoghg im so fucking average ooggh im living a big grand mistake and everyone will see through my supposed 'facade' #(like girl what facade. ur not even acting. what fucking facade. ur exactly as it says on the tin. you know this. they know this.) #like bitch shut the fuck up!!!! shut up!!!! everyone fucking cares about you!!!!! the sun is fucking shining!!!!!! #god i feel so undeserving at times and yet whenever im not desperately grasping the warmth just falls into my lap #like what on earth... i wasnt even asking and yet youre all here. how did i get here. why do i suddenly feel worthy. #i know it wont last but thats okay i always look for this feeling in the mundane things... good to know it can catch up to me like this!! #ill probably delete this later this is embarrassing but i just need to shout from my soapbox a little bit #i feel weird about talking to anyone specifically about this. woe. positive vent upon ye.

[theflyingfeeling]

For some reason I was thinking about BC’s Fuck marry kill and how everyone else joked around but Joel was all serious about his ”I’d fuck Olli because he’s the most handsome” -answer 😭 like yes we been knew you’re sexually attracted to him (him filming him half naked doing yoga and all that) but. really?? 😭

(and for legal reasons this is a joke)

Joeeeeeellll your bisexuality is showing agaaiiinn 🙄

I mean, I'm convinced the whole fucking band is sexually attracted to Olli (who's completely oblivious to it and think the others are just messing with him) because who woudn't be, honestly?

Tommi commenting how Olli always looks good?

Niko saying Olli is the most handsome in the band?

Joonas having a whole-ass sexual awakening watching Olli paint a broccoli shamrock on his chest? (Yes, I may have stared at a gif of this for unreasonably long yesterday)

To conlcude, they all a little gay for Olli 💕

#we're ALL gay for olli aren't we 🥰 #although in joonas' defence he's a little gay for everyone #(also i don't just randomly stare at BC gifs in my freetime! i was looking for another picture and just came across that lol #hence i have a vivid image of it imprinted on my brain currently) #but WHERE is my yoga instructor!olli and beginner yoga trainee!joel fic?? #he enrolled for the beginner yoga class because his therapist and his mom and porko thought it might be good for him #(he's not quite as positive and porko would literally walk him to the yoga studio to drop him off like a child at day-care) #joonas is friends with olli of course so he just passes joel to him and leaves for his porko business #abandoning joel before he can do or say anything #(joel thought they were going for a record shop haul and now he knows how dogs must feel #when their owner tells them they're going to the park but really they're going to the vet) #joel understands his loved ones only want the best for him but he's not sure how a bit of strecthing is going to help him 🙄 #in fact stretching is the LAST thing he wants to be doing when he sees how thight the instructor's yoga pants are 😳 #so he spents the whole 30 minutes not knowing where to look 🙈 #(mostly he looks at the instructor's face because it's so devastatingly cute 😩) #and then the instructor pulls out a basket of wolly socks for the trainees to put on for the final relaxation #(well actually just for joel because apparently everyone else knew to bring their own. this is somehow porko's fault) #so joel nearly cries as he lays on the yoga mattress listening to olli's calm voice bc 1) he's actually feeling a little better already #and 2) he might have fallen in love a tiny bit 😭💞 #...okay i may need to write this myself actually #if y'all up for reading it? anyone at all?? 👉👈 #joelxolli #answered asks #anon asks

[mrfoox]

Uh. Like month... 4... Without an big breakdown and im 😳 what.... Wha

#miranda talking shit #I always say this but holy shit what the fuck i didnt think medication could have so much impact #I thought be being numb would be the best case. But here i am like 👍 life's not so bleak. I have loved ones. There's more for me to see #Like what the fuck.... Ive been sucidal since i was 11... I thought that would just be permanent for me... That it would kill me one day #But here i am just.... Like...living? #I mean im still not living life to the fullest mainly bc im still not used to just ... Be and not feel like garbage #I still have many problems and inner battles but they don't .... Send me into the abyss or worse #Anti medication people can probably argue if im ACTUALLY happy or just high of my meds or something but i... #I just feel like myself but ...kinda like when you put on glasses after being without them for a while #You see things clearer again and you had forgotten that your eyes were bad #I see the same things who would make me smile for 1 second. Now i see them and they make me smile for half a minute or more #I feel i think a lot more and notice smaller things. Smaller delights. A little cute bug flying by. An pretty flower outside. Someone #Laughing with their friend. A child playing outside. They all make me happy now and i just ... Yeah. #I am not the most positive person alive or am super happy all the time... But having actual ... Normal days #Actually be just... Just fine. Not 'i have managed to not cry and kept my mental health in check somewhat etc' but actually just #Things are fine. On an scale more in tune with others version if fine. Im used to my okay days just being like... Oh i was awake today #I ate a meal today. I didn't cry. But i still had my usual bad mental space but it was fine bc it was a bit more manageable #That was a fine day. Now I'm like... Id describe my days now as great days. I usually have one or two of these days #Per year ... Now i have them like daily... Theyre just fine. It blows my mind... #Ive always been positive to medication despite not finding one that helped me as much as i... Wanted. But now it's like #Holy shit yeah. Wish i found this medicine at age 15 when i started and not 10 years later but man im glad i finally found it #So glad i decided not to just settle with the one i had. When i brought up i wanted to try new medication again #Doctors were like what... But why? And it's like.... Yeah that one i had was.... The best i had found at the time and i had kept it for 3 #Years. But it did only help me to stabilize some. I still felt like garbage... And explaining that to a doctor is like... Idk how to do that #Like id say my old medication helped 25% i know it helped mostly with my general anxiety. But it wasn't like to a point i felt #It was a GOOD medication for me. Just ... It was the best i had tried so... It was fine...