Tumgik
#ok i spent all day on this edit i am very happy with how it turned out
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Watch out Bridgeport! Tami Liu is on the loose!
She's on the hunt for the most eligible singles in town, and she's bringing fabulous style with her. Whether Tami's giving you a kiss or a makeover, be careful - she might just break your heart!
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mvltisstuff · 1 year
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hello!! i absolutely love, love love, your buck fics, cowboy like me was so good. i was wondering if i can request a fic? buck and reader are best friends too stubborn to realize their feelings and have to share a bed for some reason, buck for some reason knows this trope and prepares themself like “i can do this, they’re my best friend it won’t be weird” so morning comes and he wakes up but they’re not cuddling and he gets gets disappointed and that’s how he realizes his feelings and maybe a confession. thank you if you do this but no worry if you don’t get to it. take care ❤️
sweet nothing - e.b
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summary: basically for the request above :)
evan buckley x reader
a/n: i was so so happy to see that someone requested something and i hope you enjoy it! 🩶🩶 i’ve never done a one bed trope before so hang in there. i’ll be editing this a little later as i am going out but i wanted to get this up for you!
edit: omg i lowkey read this wrong i’m so sorry i can def write it again if you’re not a fan of it
y/n and buck have known each other for years, working together at the station. they meshed so well together and they realized that their connection might be stronger than a normal one between co-workers.
they started hanging out more and more, going to bars and getting dinner. they’d go to parties together and they talked all the time. having to deal with the repercussions of being a first responder, they found comfort in each other. after a death or near a death, they’d go back to someone’s place, hoping to bring normality back to the day. the bad days and the good days, they were always there.
it’s hard for buck not to get attached to someone so easily after dealing with people leaving. he never received affection from his mother or father, and his sister leaving so soon changed his view on things. his ego might be big, but it’s not big enough to prevent him from clinging to someone who shows him an ounce of love.
they were scarily similar, and they knew it. that’s why they were friends. they could talk to each other and actually understand each other after not having anyone for years.
they both know they’re more than friends, and everyone at the firehouse teases them anyway. buck normally has no problem with admission, taking girls home and letting them forget him the next day. he cannot admit his feelings for y/n after all these years. whether it be encouragement from eddie or bobby, the fear of ruining the best relationship he’s ever had outweighs that.
after a crazy day off, driving around the city and doing anything they can imagine, they realize how late it is and start to drive home. bucks mood of the night goes from pure happiness to dread. he doesn’t want it to be over, because any time that is spent with her is more time that he feels like nothing could stop him.
“buck, where are we?” y/n asks in the passenger seat of his jeep.
“oh, we’re um… at the place i went a few weeks ago. i just-“
“don’t know how to get back?” she finished his sentence and he gives her a look.
“yes, i do actually! we just have to go down that freeway.” he tries fixing the situation, not wanting to leave her stranded in the middle of nowhere. “ok, i have no clue where we are, but it’s fine! we have google maps.” buck pulls out his phone and sits on the app for minutes, praying that the little loading sign goes away. some small part of him wants to turn on airplane mode and hope she doesn’t notice, so they can stay together for a little while longer. she looks over to the phone and sighs.
“just pull up to that gas station over there. i have to pee.” she says, and he starts driving over to the dark gas station with the 24-hour sign. after she runs in, she runs back out with a ton of snacks and drinks.
“i thought you were just using their bathroom?”
“what? it’s just a few snacks, what’s wrong with that?” she laughs and throws them back into the car as he’s waiting outside too, filling his tank.
“did you buy a map in there too?”
“very funny, buck. like you can read a damn map.”
“i could if we were stranded somewhere! and oh, take a look around.” he acknowledges the fact that they don’t know where they are, but can still make fun of each other and laugh.
“listen, let’s just drive around for a bit and see what we find.” y/n recommends. buck grumbles and gets back into his car, turning on the engine.
it mutters and doesn’t turn on, he tries again and realizes it’s not going anywhere. he keeps playing around with it before y/n interrupts him. “i think it’s broken, buck.”
“it’s a jeep, it’s fine!” he says, trying to defend his precious car.
“ok, well. i’m gonna go inside and ask where any hotels are.” y/n says, and buck runs his hand down his face.
“get a bag of doritos while you’re at it.”
after minutes of waiting, y/n comes out of the gas station and walks over to the car. “did you call a truck?”
“yeah, they’ll be here soon.”
“well, get your walking stick, partner because the nearest hotel is a mile away.” she says sarcastically, grabbing her stuff out of his car.
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“we’re sorry, ma’am but all our two guest rooms are full for tonight,” the hotel receptionist tells them.
“shit, ok. do you have any other available rooms?” buck peeps in and asks.
“we have a one person room on floor 3, it has a full bathroom and everything.” after the exhaustion of the night and having to walk around looking for this hotel, they basically will crash anywhere.
“we’ll take it.” they both say simultaneously.
they climb up the the room with their arms full of stuff they don’t even need. they swing open the door and make their way inside. “ladies first,” buck says, leaning against the door.
“thank you very much, sir.” y/n replies and places some of their goodies on the tv stand. “this is nice, i guess! we could fit in here if we really wanted to.”
“yeah, i can stay on the floor and you take the bed.” y/n laughs at his request and he gives her a confused expression.
“really, buck. we all know you’re picky about your sleeping situations. take the bed. i’m fine on the floor. ladies always take the bed.” she smirks at him.
“oh, well if you put it like that, i’ll take it,” he says, throwing himself on the bed. “you’re gonna sleep in jeans?”
“well, i didn’t bring an overnight bag. it’s fine, it’s just for one night.”
“i have en extra shirt in my car, just wear that. it’s big on me, so it’ll be like a dress!” he tells her. “a nightgown for the queen herself, if i must say.”
“you didn’t bring it in? you even brought your med kit?”
“you never know, y/n. what if you cut yourself open? you never. know.” he jokes.
“whatever,” she smiles and laughs. “i’m going to wash my face and i’m going to bed.” she walks into the bathroom and buck stays on the bed. he doesn’t want to leave her on the floor, but he doesn’t know if he could contain his thoughts if they slept together. that sounds really awful, but that might make him spit out words he doesn’t want her to know.
when she comes back out, buck is stripped of his shirt and left in his pants. her heart rate noticeably speeds up, and she doesn’t really know what to say. she’s seen him without a shirt, but spending the night together? she’s in for a hell of a night. her mouth is slightly open, and she closes it again, realizing he’s looking right at her. “like what you see?” he says, looking up from his phone. she shakes her head and turns around. she pulls on his massive shirt and now it’s his turn to have an internal freak out.
seeing his name on her back and his shirt on her body might send him into arrest. her soft hair falls down her back after she pulls out her bun and she runs her hands through it. buck looks around at her body, her shoulders peeking out through the top and the neckline down. he shakes his head and forces his eyes to look back down at his phone. she gets down on the floor, pulling the blanket over her and laying on the few that she placed under her. “g’night, buck. go to sleep.”
“n-night, y/n.”
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buck stays on the bed the whole night, being able to sleep peacefully in the quiet room. y/n on the other hand, feels like she’s gonna fall through the floor. she hates the floor, she would’ve taken the bed, but his comfort was more important to her.
she loves him, she really does, but both of their stubbornness and lack of acknowledgement of their feelings prevents her from making any moves. but she swears this hard, itchy rug might be the death of her.
buck feels the corner of the blanket get pulled up, and a light hand on his shoulder, pulling him out of his slumber. “move over, i cant stay on this rug.”
even the deep sleep he was in couldn’t keep his mind from going places. he was so happy, probably too happy. “yeah-yeah, of course.” he says, moving his body. he was wide awake now, turning to face her. “you know, i’m really happy we got stuck here together.”
her faces reveals a bright smile and buck can still see through the darkness of the room. “me too.”
they both turn over and fall asleep, trying to quiet the thoughts in their head. the ones that have been begging to be released for months.
when they wake up in the morning, y/n feels so much better. the sun was shining lightly through the shades and she rubs her eyes. she looks over and buck, whos much closer than she thought.
she realizes their closeness, his arms wrapped around her and their legs tangled together. her head is right next to his, their foreheads practically touching.
she thought about moving from her spot, it physically, she couldn’t bring herself to. the warmth of bucks body brought a whole new feeling. she felt at peace, which sounds silly but she felt like she could take on anything as long as he was there. it was her opportunity to be with him, being as close as ever.
he woke up from his own sleep, eyes fluttering open and his breaths were deep and slow. he looked up at her, and smiled when he saw how close they were to each other. “hey,” he says, with a raspy voice morning voice and y/n feels grateful to even hear one word.
“hi,” she whispers back to him. “sleep well?”
“i slept great, i wonder why,” he looks around and then lands his eyes back on her. “i’m glad you’re here.”
“you know, i kinda thought i was dreaming when i woke up,” she speaks. “i’m glad i wasn’t.”
“i’m glad you weren’t dreaming too.” he pulls her in, wrapping his arm around her lower back. he leans in, planting a sweet kiss on her lips. they stay in this position for a while, taking the time to spend with each other after waiting the past few years in hiding.
“uh… we should probably, um, get up?” she smiles and is practically speechless. she tries to form the words but really doesn’t want to go anywhere.
“nah, let’s stay here.” he pulls her in and rolls over her, but keeping his weight off. they whisper sweet nothings at each other and she giggles at his soft kisses all over, finally relieved that they can be together without the fear of ruining something great.
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celticcrossanon · 1 year
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Done With Camilla
I have just found out that Camiila left Easter Sunday service early, 15 minutes after it began. She walked out after 15 minutes while the other members of the congregation were prayers, stopped to receive a bouquet of flowers from a child, which she waved with a big smile as she got into her car before being whisked away to a 'private engagement', thought to be spending time with her family (children and grandchildren).
I am furious.
This woman is Queen. She is married to the head of the Anglican church. She goes to church with him on the holiest day of the year, Easter Sunday, and walks out after 15 minutes. 15 minutes. Not only that, but she walks out during prayers, when everyone else is talking to God. You do not do that. You go before prayers, or afterwards, but not during prayer. It is the height of disrespect.
Then, rather than leaving discreetly, she makes a performance of her departure, clearly very happy to be leaving the service so early.
The Queen of England could not spend the time to sit in church on the holiest day of the year. She had to leave to see her family, who clearly come before God for her.
Can you imagine Queen Elizabeth II doing this? Or the Princess of Wales? For Camilla, the press gloss over it, making it appear that she left after the service and not 15 minutes into it. That media obfuscation also has me mad, but not as mad as I am at Camilla.
This all happened less than a month before she is to be anointed as Queen in a religious ceremony in the same religion. It just goes to show how much that religion and that ceremony mean to her. No wonder she has her grandsons as pages - having them there obviously means more to her than God.
If the service means so little to her, then she and Charles should just go and sign a piece of paper at the Town Hall, as people have been joking. She obviously doesn't care for religious ritual.
From now on, Camilla is on my bad list, and she will not be moving from there. This is an unforgivable insult to my beliefs.
So expect warnings on any reading I do on her in the future. Like Charles and his lies, this has crossed a line for me, one from which there is no going back.
Edit: The Queen, leaving Easter Sunday Service early:
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Edit 2: I am very upset about this. I want to like Camilla, but like Charles, she has made it very difficult for me to do so.
Edit 3: I have no problems if people keep on liking Camilla. She has crossed a line for me, and I just can't with her after that, but I know this will not be as upsetting to other people and I am perfectly OK with that. She has done a lot of good work and I can see why that garners admiration. It is partially why I am so upset over this behaviour - she spent all those years building respect and then she goes and blows it with this action (in my eyes, at least).
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mostlymaudlin · 1 year
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Top 5 vs Personal 5
List your top 5 fics ranked by kudos on AO3. are you surprised by what's most popular to your readers? then provide your ranking of your personal top 5 fics, and tag a few fellow writers!
ty for the tag @sillyunicorn :D this is cute and also interesting. i tag @starwarned @urban-sith @tea-brigade @fortheloveofexy @nanatsuyu @justadreamfox @jaydreams @halfpintpeach
im actually going to do my Personal 5 first because that's what i want above the read more cut 😂 no one is escaping looking at my babies.
Thorns (E), 18k, andreil // a post-canon fic where andrew and neil cope with doing a long distance relationship when u both have fatal levels of attachment issues lol. i spent a stupid long time on this fic for the word count, but there is love in every single word. i like this universe bc it's what i want for post-canon andreil. no one gave them the tools for this shit, but i love the idea that they will always figure out how to be together, even if its messy.
No Turning Back (E), 31k, andreil // this is perhaps recency bias, but i think this is the best thing ive ever written. i have a hard time summarizing it.. but it's an au where the conflict is almost entirely in andrew's head, which of course means he Causes Many Problems. i actually built this fic out from Andrew's fucked up internal journey, which was cool for me -- like, the main plot was developed to fit his character arc. i think that's probably not rocket science or unique but it was my first time doing it that way!
We Can Live Forever (T), 46k, andreil // i used to not like hs aus and then i wrote a huge one lol. its childhood best friends-lovers, and centered on this ridiculous lip sync serenade fundraiser ?? i made them all dance. a lot. sometimes its serious, but its mostly very silly. i wrote it w the intention of giving people that "read until 4am screaming into ur pillow bc cute aggression" feeling that so many fics have given me, and the feedback ive gotten implies ive succeeded, so im rly proud of that!!
Stoner AU (E), 21k, snowbaz // i'm cheating a bit because this is a series, but i almost consider this thing to be like a collection of sitcom episodes lol. it's a normal au, simon is a weed guy and baz buys from him and also falls in love w him. theres a lot of penny and shep and its all just very FUNNY imo. and they are all so fucking devoted to each other in kind of unhinged ways. i love rereading these fics.
I'll Come Back To You (T), 6.9k, andreil // ok, for 1: that's the exact word count. every time i fix typos on rereads i have to edit it to preserve the wc. but 2: this fic is Not Silly or Smutty LOL. it's probably my plottiest/most serious fic in some ways -- it deals w, like, multiple dimensions ?? and amnesia. and loneliness. i'm proud of the ambiguity, because i tend to be a writer that punches you in the face with The Theme. this one leaves a lot for the reader to figure out (to the dissatisfaction of some commenters lol), but i like that you have to think about it a bit.
ok, AO3 Top 5 under the cut!
all of these are andreil, because aftg fandom is a lot bigger than carry on </3.
boyfriend privileges (T), 4k // i should not have been surprised that this did the numbers, but i was kind of shook when my ao3 inbox blew up like never before. it's fanfic catnip -- a 5+1 post-canon with resolvable angst interspersed with soft moments. i wrote it in like 2 days and didn't edit, and aint that just the way of ao3 lol.
flashes of intimacy (T), 7k // this is a series of fifteen <500 word fics that i add to pretty often, so it also makes sense that it's got a lot of readers! ive always been proud of my ability to write short, so it makes me happy that it's up here. it wld probs be #6 on my personal rating.
Inside Thoughts (T), 1.5k // andrew gets his wisdom teeth out and is a goober about it. one of my first aftg fics -- i think it's up here bc it's almost a year old. i am not passionate abt it tbh, i wrote it kind of as a joke one night while i was high lmfao
Do Not Disturb (T), 2k // another of my first aftg fics that i kind of dont care much about hahaha. it's another catnip situation, a post-canon moment where neil panics & unconsciously calls andrew, similarly to how he does in canon. and then they r soft <3
Tequila Sunrise (M), 4k // i know people love this one -- it's also my most bookmarked. it's fun!! drunk neil!! but i almost can't read it anymore lol. there's some prose im proud of in there, but there's also some lazy characterization choices i made bc i had no idea it would get so many hits. its hard for me as the Characterization Guy to reconcile that hahaha.
ok as usual that was long-winded as hell. i love 2 talk abt writing :) also i feel bad 4 the lack of snowbaz representation here lol, but i think that i'm 1. better at writing andreil and 2. have gotten a lot better at writing while i was unemployed the last few months. i think a lot abt taking snowbaz for another whirl now, but consider: then i wouldn't get to write abt Andrew Minyard :(
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greypetrel · 6 months
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I see you've been asked several already, so for the Tolkein asks: whichever question you want to answer most, but haven't been asked c:
Hi Mo! :D
Thank you! The temptation to answer all the questions left was there... But I don't want to pester you with basically an essay, so I'll select a few x°D
Edit after writing it: *it's still an essay* Oops.
2. If you were the Middle Earth race that your personality most matches, which would it be?
I'm a Hobbit. Definitely a Hobbit. No love for being on centre stage, will eat six meals per day (listen, snacks are important ok), is very comfortable at home, but resourceful when needed. I miss the love for gardening, my thumb is very black and I have little interest for plants that I can't eat because what's the point. But Bilbo in the book dreaming while camping in the cold of a cozy afternoon spent reading with the kettle on the fire speaks to my soul.
10. Favorite performance by any actor in the Tolkien film projects? Bonus: What's your favorite scene with them?
Bernard Hill as Theoden always gets me. He's just the right level of intensity, melancholy and grieving because he's old and feels like he hasn't accomplished anything. The tenderness and the respect he has for Eowyn as his beloved niece AND a wise woman he can be happy leaving his kingdom to (Eomer goes with him to a potentially suicidal mission. He's saying, to me, that his heir is HER, not him). And his speeches are all-!!! The Pelennor Field's one always have me shivering. The words are nice, sure, but his acting was just great. All of the Rohan part is just peak casting and great. Miranda Otto did a stunning job, her singing the mourning song haunts me. And THAT SCENE where Karl Urban just screams himself raw when he finds apparently dead Eowyn. I still don't know why exactly it was cut from the cinematic version, it was a pity.
Andy Serkis. I am appalled that he doesn't appear in more movies because honestly find me any other person who would have delivered a Gollum in the same way. (and please Hollywood cast him in more diverse roles, make me see his face, he's GOOD, give him a chance)
Since no one named him: Sean Astin as Sam. REALLY. The way he can go from grumpy and pouty to bright and happy seeing Frodo and absolutely EPIC. He's a whole journey by himself. Favourite scene: I can tell you the PO-TAY-TOES scene by heart, mimicking Gollum as well. But his speech at the end of Two Towers.
And also. Not a favourite because it's down for lines that are not so good, but... I know it's highly unpopular, but I really liked Morfydd Clark as Galadriel. She's not Cate Blanchett, and she's not supposed to be. That's still Edgy!Galadriel that she plays, she's younger and still hot-headed and please read the book and find out that Galadriel is not an ethereal lady, she's a Noldorin and she can and she WILL kick your ass. Clark does it, she has the right look for it. (her lines could have been better? Yes. I still think she did good with what she had.) (I'm all for edgy and angry, more human-like elves, and thought I know it's flawed, but I liked Rings of Power.)
12. Tolkien's work contains a lot of interesting themes: devastation of war, things lost that cannot be restored, rebirth/renewal, holding true to one's companions even when it is darkest, and others. Which is the most important to you?
I'll try to be brief here, I could fill a dissertation over this.
But mainly:
“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something. That there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for."
This.
The fact that no matter how dark it is outside, there's the promise of light and joy at the end of the tunnel. Hope in spite of everything.
And the fact that it doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter who your ancestors were, how tall are you, how much your people has been involved in a situation before. You are valuable, your help is not in vain, there's some good you can do. See: Pippin's arc. Going from fool of a Took, basically a baby thrown in a world so much greater than him... And standing up to the situation, in the end, just because he wants to help, even if he's scared. His taking the Palantir and talking to Sauron, in the end, is one of the biggest assists given to Frodo... and he's the member of the Fellowship that had the least reasons to be there, the least experience and knowledge to help the mission. In the end, he's just as useful as everyone else.
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morkofday · 10 months
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bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!
(created by @fiercynn)
thank you for tagging me vi @disasterbabygirlnick and sorry i'm so late!
note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!
name and whatever you want to share about yourself
vish, 25, demi/bi, from finland. lately been thinking about going by she/they instead of she/her. maybe even more they/she if i can put it that way.
when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?
i started watching the series and joined the fandom after ep 7 had aired. it all begun on my christmas break at my parents’ place where binged all the available episodes in a couple of days. my christmas was spent thinking about the rooftop kiss and how that absolutely ruined me. BB was never on my radar bc the title didn’t really intrigue me (i have bad experiences with BLs with silly titles) and i wasn’t really thinking about watching a series with ohm again, but i am so happy that tumblr dragged me in. changed my life and my perspective on BLs. and now i’m way too deep in this shit hehe
favorite ship(s)
patpran and waikorn. i adore inkpha too but mainly as a GL couple that has made me feel comfortable and seen. they never stuck with me as much. patpran are my comfort and waikorn give me extreme brainworms.
favorite character(s)
my two architecture losers aka pran and wai. pran is me, i am him. he gets it, to put it simply. wai, then again, is very my brand of blorbo, my bastard son, my horrible wet rat boy, my hissy kitten. the maker of chaos and absolutely horrible with feelings. i could fix him, i could make him worse, and i’d enjoy every moment of it.
favorite episode(s)
ep 11 for the overall bittersweet feeling. the whole episode just feels like the calm before a storm. it’s their sweet goodbye to each other despite nothing ever truly ending between them. also ep 5 for the ending part but also for pat’s journey to self-discovery.
favorite scene(s) 
from ep 5 the whole ending part: the three-way fight, the rooftop kiss, and even pran going through it at the beginning of ep 6. ep 11 shirt scene and pat thanking pran, pat in music store discovering himself, wai protecting hurt pran in the rugby game (the brainworms are real with this one), ep 12 reveal where pran comes to pat's door, hotpot double date, bar scene at the end. oh, and absolutely the fiasco that is wai trying to flirt with pha in the park while ink is there. that one's golden.
one thing you would change about the show if you could
i agree on the wai apology with you vi. it should happen as a nod towards the fact that his behavior was not ok. even if things got sorted out for patpran and even if in their world wai’s actions didn’t have as dire consequences as they could have in the real world (where homophobia is very real), the viewers should get shown that he acknowledges his wrongdoings and that patpran deserve a proper apology from someone like him. ALSO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET WAIKORN BE TOGETHER P’AOF AM UNDER YOUR BED
what are some of your favorite fanworks made by other people
tried to gather some type of list and probably missed so many but at least these:
[x] bad buddy rewatch episode edits by @baifengxis ♥ [x] all this type of random bb gifs (the coloring in all of them is stunning!) [x] this patpran in ep 11 edit [x] patpran + rooftop edit + many other edits bc the style is just stunning, all by @pranink ♥ [x] patpran spiderman au [x] gifted buddy set for my bday both by the amazing @dimpledpran ♥ love you! [x] this lovely just friend? -edit by @/coldties ♥ [x] patpranmusic series by @bevioletskies ♥ [x] this inkpha edit by @akingyouniverse ♥ [x] pran as favourite character [x] favorite patpran moments both made by @nanons who always nails the colors ♥ [x] this super cool just friend? mv edit by @prany ♥ [x] how to get the girl guide by @weiwuxian ♥ [x] this celestial patpran set [x] favorite episode: episode 7 set made with pure magic by @raypakorn ♥ [x] favorite scene: main six at the bar by @dramaism ♥ [x] architecture gang by @mantrisanu ♥ [x] the most amazing bb photobooth art by @/thatgothsamurai ♥ [x] this stunning yet heartbreaking patpran set by @guntapon ♥ [x] inkpha + taylor swift's mastermind [x] best dynamic: person a + person b [x] patpran + distance [x] patpran and the fleeting happiness in ep 11 [x] bb study in film noir [x] bb/patpran ft. the old guard all by my forever inspiration and muse @oswlld ♥ i miss you!
(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?
oh yes i managed to make a ton of edits for this show (and still sometimes do), so here are a couple of personal favorites:
[x] patpran + the desire for reassurance [x] patpran + sea of strangers [x] patpran + i had you (what if it all was just a dream) [x] this patpran soulmates edit [x] patpran as sun & moon [x] patpran's love through the season (my peak imo) [x] patpran + signposts (another peak but for different style) [x] my otp: patpran [x] fighter pran [x] the real five love languages [x] pran's life anthem: i won't say (i'm in love)
i've spent so much time and effort making all of my edits for bb and i don't regret any of it. i've had so much fun and met so many amazing ppl through them ♥ thank you!
a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)
i didn’t have a much of a playlist for BB outside of the songs in the show but maybe: if god had a boat by anyma, are you with me by nilu, and my oasis by sam smith. (i was very focused on not me during this period when it comes to music, so i associate most songs with that instead.)
idk anything else you want us to know?
i think the next edit I need to make for bb is a wai text post meme bc for some reason i haven't made one yet??? so see you there!!
tagging: idk who has done this already bc i'm so late but @dimpledpran @mantrisanu @oswlld @nanons @machikeita @milkpansa @icouldhyperfixatehim @thanawins @seanwhites @i-got-the-feels @patspran @nongnaos ♥
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haechannabelle · 1 year
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new years post featuring me getting sentimental and also shoutouts to my mutuals (and the girl reading this) 🎊🎉🎆
i started this blog back in august or september (time is fake, i don’t know anymore), and i feel so hashtag blessed to already have so many cool and fun mutuals to tag in a post, so i am making a post ! this is that post <3 so special shoutout to the following people:
@neonarcher @bangzchan @shuatm @pinkhaech @atinystraykid @seunieverse @kimsmingyu @kdongyoung @jsuh @ambivartence @felixyongboks @appiarian @8junhao @seuiqi @chxrry-chris @uwu-fullsun @sohnuts | even if we've never interacted i appreciate all of you so much that i decided to ring in my new years by writing this post !
ok quick 2022 highlights while i'm here (cue bgm seventeen - highlight, alt iz*one highlight. two bangers, either one will do):
2022 was actually the best mental health year i've had in like, over 10 years (we still got a loooooong way to go, but like. maybe i'm actually on the way up which is cool ??). i also ummm got into kpop in late july 2022 and my life has literally changed so much since (for the better, i feel). i saw nct-127 live in october and i cried the entire time, and i uhhhh got engaged (???!?!?!!) in november which is crazy (literally cannot believe another person wants to spend their life with me,, as a person who is generally very bad at receiving love that is SO wild to me but it is also literally forcing me to accept love and i am therefore getting better at doing that ! does that make sense ? i'm not fully with it rn, this is the latest i've stayed up in awhile lmao. anyways it's been a good year. i went to new york city and my fiancé and i spent entirely too much money on kpop stuff. we went to the beach also. and successfully held down the same job for a whole calendar year (never happened before). good year.
i want to do more art next year. i used to do art every day (literally for almost my whole life up until this past summer). i've had a massive creative block for months, i feel like i can only consume media and not create it and that has really sucked. but, i did make something recently !! something i will post very soon...spoiler it is a photo edit that i got a lil more creative with and i'm reeeally happy with it ! which is why i'm scared to post it LOL but i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna be brave !!
yeah, i think i will try and be brave in the new year. be brave and make art. vague enough to work.
also, i probably listened to 1,500+ different kpop songs in just the second half of 2022, that's crazy. can you imagine how much more kpop i can listen to if i apply myself this year ??? i am literally never bored anymore, thanks to kpop. and i have a lot of fun posting on this blog, so thank you to anyone reading this for being part of it ily happiest new year to you specifically <33
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coralinehecc · 1 year
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Corals Monthly Update #3
HOHOHO!! FIRST BLOG POST OF 2023 AND I’M NEARLY 2 WEEKS LATE!!! Super sorry about the long wait! I’ve had tests recently and only got off of school like a few days ago haha! So! Welcome back to my monthly update on what I get up to in my life! Now, before we get into January, I, for the final time, have to tap back into the previous month. Curse past me for thinking the 21st was a good day to start doing these!!! ANYHOW! The rest of December and early January were a BLAST! But lemmie talk about what happened after I made the last update. CHRISTMAS!! I had a great time with my family and I got a bunch of fluffy things cuz that’s apparently the easiest thing to get me now. We also had dinner on Christmas day with my Grandparents like every year. Over-all that day was very fun! I even got drunk playing Minecraft which was funny for everyone in VC. The next few days weren’t anything exciting, however my brother Finn had a bunch of his friends over for his birthday which was chaotic. But the excitement picks back up on the 28th! BECAUSE SKYE AND VI CAME OVER FOR NEW YEARS!! We’ve been planning this since like, June, so it was awesome seeing them again! We did all kinds of stuff from shopping to playing some awesome games! (I am now chronically addicted to Ultra Kill thanks guys)
We even did some baking! Here is our glorious creation I dubbed, “The Jimothy”. 
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Overall the rest of December was awesome! I’m glad I got to celebrate New Years with my besties! Overall, I’ll give it a 10/10! Best way to end 2022 >:D Here’s a few more misc photos hehehhehe
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NOW! FOR JANUARY!! January started off still vibing with the guys. However they would then go home on the 4th which sucks. But before that, both Skye and I spent a lot of money on consoles that are almost as old as ourselves. They bought a fucking PS Vita and I got a motherfucking Wii. We both had fun with em and I even helped Skye homebrew their Vita since I wanted to put PebbleCD on it (I failed but shut uuup) But yea, sadly the guys had to go and it sucked! But I still had a great time. There’s a bit of a gap here right up until the 12th, where finally, the big event happened. CAREY IN THE HOUSE WENT LIVE!! I had finished it a few days prior but figured I’d build up hype by posting it on that Friday. AND IT SURE WORKED! The video blew up faster than any of my videos before it! I am so happy the response has been overwhelmingly positive. I also love how the only main complaint that was common amongst people was that Careys exaggerated accent was annoying which, yea can’t argue against. For anyone wishing for more CITH content, I did a behind the scenes mega thread over on my twitter if you wanna have a deeper look into the production! I’ll even link it here:  https://twitter.com/Carey_Black_/status/1619731723352444928 Now, to move onto why it took me forever to make an update. My mock exams.. BUT BEFORE THAT!! THERE’S ALSO THE FACT THAT MR WULF AND I WERE ABLE TO ARCHIVE THE ORIGINAL EDDSWORLD BANG BOOM SPLAT PROJECT FILE!!
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This all started because Wulf wanted to edit the credits for his arcade BBS build since I was helping him out and since I said SWF modding is hard he just casually asked Psycosis and after seeing his WIP cabinet, gave Wulf the FLA! So a current “BBS arcade version” is in the works by yours truly thanks to both the generosity of Psycosis and the fact that Mr Wulf is a fucking mad man who could stop global warming in a month if he wanted to LOL! Here’s Wulfs finished Cabinet btw!:  https://twitter.com/MrWulfOfficial/status/1622295302685315073 But yea, for real. My mock exams were a pain! For those outside of Ireland or have a different name for em, Mock exams are, well, exams that act like a practice run for your finals. They’re always harder than the actual finals and are usually graded stricter too! Why? Who knows! The Irish education system is a joke. I feel like I did somewhat ok in them anyway? Some were definitely worse than others but overall it was more of an inconvenience. I did get this really cool art piece out of it however.
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Exams would later spill over into February and like I said at the start, I finished and got off school a few days ago. Overall, this month was about a 7/10. It was pretty good, especially in the Eddsworld department, but mocks and other personal tid bits I didn’t mention here dragged it down for me. Since February seems to be mostly me being off school, I hope this month will be better haha! Only time will tell! Thank you for reading! And I hope to see you next month!! (Hopefully on time too haha!) 
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happyzyx · 2 years
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[ENG TRANS] 220827 qq music audio live 🌟
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trans: LayZhangBase
You can listen to the whole live here!
⭐️ Hello everyone, I’m Zhang Yixing. Welcome to my first audio live.
⭐️From the first time I did Lay's moon night radio, I wanted to do a live like this. We can talk about all kinds of things, work, life and more. Wow (you’re) still eating? oh (you’re) still working?
⭐️ I find 24 hours too little to use. Yes I'll take care of myself, you guys too. Let's enter the next section now.
⭐️ You want my selfie? I will take note, I'll see what I can put up later. (he posted a selfie after the live ended)
⭐️ Things that I find hard to forget -- are all related to Beikers. Many many things. Things I regret, let's not think about it. Let's look forward instead.
⭐️ Music is my original intention. The stage is my passion. Chromosome is passing down to the next generation.
⭐️ (Talking about a recipe) First we cook the ribs, high heat for some time, then medium heat to soften it, then put in garlic and ginger. You must put the cooking wine and spices, according to what you like to get rid of the foul smell, then put in onions. Record a video? I will take note.
⭐️ I will always be here for the stage. Everyone seems to be worried about this, thinking that I will stop being an idol after having a company. We need to always be learning. Music and stage is always my passion, I will always cherish this position as an artist.
⭐️ There will be a 60 year old concert as long as I can still dance. You want a lightstick? I'll take note. Grandline 1 DVD, ok taking notes. Auto reply? Didn't I deal with it the last time?
⭐️ Let's look at the 10 years of journey together. I spent 7 years just to see everyone once. When I stood on stage, I'm thinking how hard it has been these 10 years. The me today, everything I have today is compiled from all 10 years and your support to me.
⭐️ I have aged, but I am more open and I know what I want better now. These 10 years is not without hardships but I don't regret it, standing before the stage lights, if I were to meet me 10 years ago, I would say, you will never imagine how you are like 10 years from now.
⭐️ There will be people who stand with you no matter what. I feel very lucky, there's nothing to regret. I'm almost 31 now. Let me see what you all have to say: "Haven't seen you for a long time." Didn't you just see me? (at decorté pop-up store event which was a day before the live)
⭐️ Xbacks will always be a part of my memories. You're like family from afar. You are all witnesses to my journey. Our relationship is not about chasing or being chased, its more like we just shine in each of our little planets. Your light has made me shine, you are the shining one.
⭐️ That's why you are important to me, so please take care of yourselves. Live life so you don't have regrets, live out your own light. When I had my online concert, I saw the support you have all done. Did you find the concert good? I saw them all, and felt very touched.
⭐️ Then I realized a problem, the XING word is too ugly. I wrote this years ago, I know you all love it very much, but let's make a new version. I don't even want to admit its my own writing.
⭐️ Every time I feel touched, then I see that XING word, I just feel embarrassed, (I’ll) make another want ok? These 10 years havent been easy. Seeing you guys here, it has not been easy. So why are all of you here? (To) Watch me?
⭐️ I have seen all the edits you have all made. It's like a chasm between time and space, yet I feel the warmth. I hope that when you receive my works you'll feel happy.
⭐️ Yixing asked fans to guess what the next EP would be called after ‘EAST’ and says the next EP will be meeting us shortly!
⭐️ Those who still talk about their dreams is a type of bravery. It doesn’t matter if you achieve it or not. There’s no need to listen to what others say and never suspect “hard work”. As long as you know you have worked hard. Working hard is a sign of living.
⭐️ Yixing hopes that the next time he can chat with us will include more interactions! We will meet next time! Bye~
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lesbianhoran · 2 years
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mist my love !! hi I hope you're doing well <3
I was listening to heartbreak whether today and i thought of u so I wanted to ask if u may provide a ranking of the album (with your thoughts) 🥰
anyways love u !!
hello myle beloved!!! <3 i hope you’ve been doing well too :)
thank you sm for this ask i am so honored to know that u thought of me 🥺
heartbreak weather!!! incredible work of art!!! & easily my fav solo 1d album. i am forever mourning the fact niall didn’t get to tour this album, the hbw era deserved so much more :( holding onto hope that i get to hear all these songs live one day!
ok i tried like 3 separate times to rank these songs so here is what i settled on :’) if i spent time at work trying to figure out my hbw ranking for u don’t tell my boss! including bonus tracks too btw !
16. put a little love on me im so sorry for putting u at the bottom miss pallom! i usually love a piano ballad n i do think this is a nice song but it just doesn’t hit for me the way the rest of the album does </3 i do love the lyrics though you can tell how much of his heart niall put into this one!
15. nice to meet ya i promise all the singles aren’t at the bottom... ntmy bangs it does & i loved it a lot as our first look into the album! the mv is fun too i loved the lil hints it dropped for hbw. for me it simply does not go as hard as the others </3
14. san francisco love the imagery of a soaking wet niall showing up at your doorstep. also i think this song works so well as a second-to-last song, especially following the storyline of the album. n it has nice vibes!!! just not the fave
13. dress a song i dont listen to often enough! it’s a lovely one tho and i love it as a little epilogue bit to hbw. did not realize how much i rly do enjoy it till this relisten
12. bend the rules the tension this song captures? delicious. also this song reminds me of traitor by olivia rodrigo but i can’t figure out any other songs to put in a playlist with these two
11. dear patience just me and the stars can get lonely 🥺..... i just love this being an open conversation to Patience itself... trying to figure out a new relationship... i love it
10. small talk niall horndog rights!!!!!!!!!!! that’s all
9. new angel my favorite of the hey angel/only angel/new angel 1d angel trinity!! a banger!!! a touch of someone else to save me from myself......
8. black and white this song hello???? so soft....... when will that be me........ honestly such a lovely song. <3<3 also i still think abt u saying this is a samcedes song bc you’re so right about that!!!
7. still okay i think we have entered top tier hbw territory! first of all “if honesty means telling you the truth” is an amazing lyric bc yes that is in fact the defintion bestie <3 but this song ???? this song is soo. im big on album closers and this one is so top tier imo. i very much love a whole “it was always you/im still in love with you” type vibe....... that always gets to me.... anyway i know this seems low on the list but trust me, absolute chef’s kiss to this song
6. nothing BANGER!!!!!!! SLAPS!!!!!!!!! so upset this is only on the deluxe edition bc i wish i listened to it more often </3 goes so hard i love it. incredible song to blast in the car with the windows down. NOTHING babey!!!
5. cross your mind ends my golden trio on hbw, tracks 9-11! this song slaps.... being all in for someone even when it hurts you.... give me all the pain! give me everything! don’t hold back! anyway i am listening to it again and it simply slaps so hard
4. heartbreak weather hi title track my beloved <33 this song makes me so happy :’) like.... it feels! different! when you’re! with me! just a bunch of snapshots of moments in love... it bops hard and i love it as a lil summertime song :) a fav of mine to just vibe to happily! also, niall storm my beloved
3. everywhere this post? precisely. i try and try to forget you but your mother thinks i’m the best for you??? insane. the franticness... the desperation.... not to mention it is a complete banger i rest my case
2. arms of a stranger much like everywhere, the desperation in this song is so chef’s kiss... it just smacks so hard i’m sorry i can’t be any more eloquent i just love this song!! so hurt that it’s less than 3 minutes long! it’s always the best songs! anyway a banger
1. no judgement there she is.... no judgement 4ever and always... genuinely one of my fav love songs ever it is So. like the love here is so..... the “we don’t have to prove nothin’” of it all????? i won’t be over it!!!! i don’t know she is just The Song i really could melt into it i love you no judgement <3
anyway!!! a bit of this could change but in essence, i love you heartbreak weather by niall horan <3 thank you so much again for this question myle :) 💗 and i am very curious to hear your thoughts too if you’d like to share!!!!
love u too!!! 💞
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rocketmile68 · 2 years
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Rumored Buzz on Addict Him To You REVIEW 2022
Buying Options Save $3.33 (33%) 6 Love Languages For Her: Attract Him! $14,000 (37%) 8 Sassy Guys In Love: How Negative May He Be! $5,300 (32%) 9 Happy New Years: Is This How She Experiences? (5%) This year's leading 10 lists for women that you can count on to be desirable: 10. How To Help make A Male Love You! My son, who is three, has been intimately assaulted through his father, and is in his overdue teens. I really want her to understand what it experiences like to find that there would be no funds. I call you to make sure you keep your commitment so that he is shielded from sexual violence. I point out you are going to create amount of money from what is right for you. The 25+ Attraction Factor Tricks: How Males Assume & What Males Actually Really want + 19 Regulations Every Girl Must Understand To Get Him Kindle Edition Since my first encounters along with guys, I have been on a goal or a lot better yet on a transformational encounter that I call: What is really going on inside his head. It's like my dad informing me how to really feel, really feel like my dad tells me when or how to not experience. This account is an example of his knowledge in to me. yes, it is real, I have been happening via black opportunities, but lastly, I thought it out. I know that I must have been there certainly for myself, but I'm happy that I performed. I recognize that it was merely the ideal sense. I know that I've been desiring to be better, to do all that I can easily to assist anyone, every day. I recognize that it's been an simple trip. It really feels ok on the bike. I split the male passion code and turned it right into my specialist objective to share my very own take ins to help various other women like you find true love, also! When I get into issue along with a girl, I take a deep-seated breath. That's when I recognize that I possess something to address for. I've merely spent 10 years finding affection in a world where I can easily just take convenience in that I am in management of myself and that various other women who are in affection have that right as well! Merely administer Find More Details On This Page and tap into more male destination, love & love in your own lifestyle just like so lots of other women who have utilized the exact same system have been capable to do.You do not have to play additional thoughts games. Now you are qualified of really feeling like you possess a body system.And by being capable to play the kind of game where you are all set for everything, you are additionally able to reveal yourself even more accurately regarding yourself without going right into additional particulars. You do not have to ask any longer. We may perform this. I really want you to offer me funds for your assistance today. Please? OK. Thank you. The 2nd, almost overlooked, collection was one where it was crucial that the mom recognized she was receiving a fair payment. "You understand that the federal government will not pay you a dime for helping her. What you're going to have me perform is deliver you to prison, to acquire a job that pays the rental fee. You do not have to walk on eggshells anymore. This has actually to occur for you, and for everybody else," said the dad, who has five grandchildren. "I have performed what I can to maintain it occurring. I went from going up to two miles an hr to walk three miles an hour.". The state would still have to approve the usage of eggshells unless it made certain the company might confirm its usage of them wasn't damaging. You do not have to really feel like you're constantly on the brink of dropping him to yet another female. It's like losing funds because you're constantly assuming of others.". She mentioned other women need to keep their heads down because they need to have to concentrate on their very own bodies. Some feel the same means -- "I recognize everyone listed below may carry out whatever they as if but we only need to think out what it takes in the moment. It's not gonna receive much better at a certain factor. You do not have to worry regarding what he really presumes about you all the time. Just allow go of that feeling in your spirit.". You may presume to yourself, "Oh man, what did he believe regarding me all these years earlier?". You might wonder what that sense of empathy was like. "There's a straightforward means that he can easily try to closed it out for like a year, but once he gets to understand you well, he doesn't definitely have one of those. You do not have to live on emotions like isolation and relationship aggravation. What matters is the means you recognize them, and what you do get to do with it. For me being a humanist is concerning living in the universe that God developed, not regarding having to believe regarding our very own emotions. The world is thus considerably more intricate than that. The genuine complications you face are the concern that was produced in our minds, and you need to face them with humbleness and passion. You do not ever before possess to experience again with one more one of those nasty psychological matches! What you are dealing along with is an act of arrogance from you - a wish to feel free to someone else, not a strong mental action that is always pleasing. You've shed your 'feel really good' (the capacity to really feel your worth) and you're right now attempting to encourage yourself that you are right now not great good enough to become your personal boss or supervisors.
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cinnamonest · 3 years
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Mom!Reader x Childe
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HELLO yes I am back on the momson agenda that I plan to use to infect you all with momson brainrot, thank you. Today’s edition: snarky ginger son
//tw: mother-son incest, mentions of childhood crushing/perversion, Childe cucks his own dad, yes I am also bringing back "Childe cucks men he doesn't like" agenda thank you
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Childe was a clingy kid, in the beginning, back before his abyss experience, when he was softer and more needy. You had lots of kids, but he was the one that always helped you with things, always was sweet to you, said Mommy was his favorite person in the whole wide world and that he didn't need anything but you to be happy. You don't play favorites, of course... but he was always just a bit special to you, you had a bond with him that you didn't with the others. He thinks so, too. You've consumed all his thoughts, ever since... well, forever.
As he got older, of course, he changed and got more playful, more cocky. One of the stereotypical son things he would absolutely do is be the kid that goes out of his way to terrify his poor mom over his own safety, you know, the kind to climb onto some high dangerous spot and call out like "hey mom look at me!" just to watch her turn her head to look at him and have a heart attack, fake an injury and pretend they're bleeding just to watch her squeal and freak out, only to break the act by laughing. And more serious things like fakes getting into legal trouble/arrested, pretends he got into a fight, and so on, the boy just loves giving you heart palpitations for no reason. He thinks your reactions are cute, honestly. He likes seeing you fuss and fret over his safety and well-being.
Which is why you think it's a joke when he does some odd things. You find your clothes in his room and assume he just stole them as a prank. Or when he's just being creepy and touchy and you think he's just trying to fuck with you (well, he is, in a different sense of the word, but anyway). When he's always seeming to pry into things most children don't - wanting to know every detail of your day, know where you were every second, know who you spoke to.
See, he's very self aware, and from a young age. It's not a sudden realization of attraction like with the Kaeya/Diluc sons, no, he's known exactly how he feels as long as he can remember, and he grows up very aware of it, and even more aware that he can never, ever, ever act on or voice the feeling, that doing so would not have a good outcome. What would happen? He sometimes wonders about it. He likes to play out a fantasy in his head, whenever he's jerking off into your clothes, where you actually are ok with it, where you reciprocate it, but... after he comes down from the high, he knows full well that that would never happen. No, in reality he knows you'd be disgusted, horrified.  It irritates him. But he feels no guilt, he's far too narcissistic to think he's ever in the wrong. Society, humanity, you, everyone -- they're the ones who are in the wrong on this matter. He can't conceive anything less. Sure, maybe it's a little weird, but it's not that bad, society makes way too big of a deal out of these things, when really, what people do is no one's business but their own, he thinks.
So yes, he does some odd things, but every kid does some odd things, you'd know, he has several siblings after all. It's not until your son disappears for several days -- the worst few days of your life, days you spent so anguished and panicked you were sick, didn't eat, didn't sleep -- it's not until after that that things really, truly change. He comes back a very different person. It breaks your heart to see your once soft, quiet, sweet son now so prone to violence, so argumentative, how he seems to enjoy conflict, and, most personally upsetting, a massive increase in disrespect towards you. It's like he doesn't listen to anything you say anymore -- sure, he does what you ask, but there's this subtle smile, a condescending tone -- sure, Mother -- in a way that you can't help but feel like is almost mocking you, looking down on you.
And it really is -- through his abyss experience, he came to realize something very, very important you see. It's that you're weak. And in this life, this world, the weak exist to serve the strong, to be used by them. To be owned by them.
He came to the epiphany, the realization, that really is so obvious, that he just never thought about before -- that respecting one's mother is a social construct, not bound by logic like most dynamics of power.  Leaders are respected and feared, because they are strong, they're powerful. They have a reason they're respected. You? You're respected because of gratefulness for what you've done, because it's what's normal, socially ingrained in the culture, but in reality your authority over him is built on the shakiest of foundations, it's a fragile thing and only there because he allows it. If he decided to not allow it, well, you couldn't do anything to stop him. It's his choice to allow you to pretend you have real, valid authority.
And he starts to think about that quite a bit, especially at times that you're mad at him, those times after you've nagged him or expressed anger and he slinks off to his room to jerk off into whatever he's stolen from you this time, entranced by your anger, because he can't help but think of how audacious it really is for you to be angry -- for you to assert power over him, a being that you have no right asserting power over. It becomes resentment, he can't let go of his realization of how ridiculous it is that society at large insists that he sees you as an authority, as above him, when in reality you're so weak, smaller, breakable, domitable. The absurdity of it all manifests and he finds himself irritated whenever you give a command, whenever you get mad. He begins to feel insulted by your assertions of authority, even though you're not too demanding at all, and are usually very sweet about it -- nonetheless, in his arrogance, he just starts to become irritated by anything less than a submission. Why are you commanding him around? Actually... Why even ask nicely, when it's still on the assumption he'll do what you say? You should beg for what you want. And what right do you have to get mad? You're like a tiny little dog biting the heels of a dog far bigger, far stronger than itself, he thinks.
In other words, you're asking for it.
His fantasies change. You’re no longer accepting, you don’t return his feelings, no, he begins to enjoy the fact that he knows you don’t. It becomes long, detailed fantasies of exactly how nice it would be to take out the frustration. To put you in your place. To show you why you have no right to act as an authority. He likes to think of how you’d struggle, he cums to the thought of how you’d cry. You're still a mom, of course, in the sense that he likes you to be. He wants to keep the things he likes and get rid of the things he doesn't. Mom should always be sweet and kind, the mom that makes him food and greets him when he comes home and treats his wounds and fusses over him when he gets hurt, that gives him hugs and frets over his needs, that says sweet things and is affectionate. He likes those things. The mom that tells him what to do and holds authority... not so much. He'll take the parts he likes and throw the other parts away, thank you very much. Some people would say that that duality of a mother is innate, that you can't separate them. He'd disagree. Anything is possible with enough brute force.
And you've noticed the disrespect, of course, and that's why, when your husband finally suggests sending him off to set him straight, you reluctantly agree it's the best thing for him.
Ah... that. The one big, glaring issue. You see, at this point in time... His father is very much well and alive and in the way. The man is the bane of his existence. He has the worst literal Oedipus complex, where it’s not just the attraction to you, but a resulting hatred for his father. It makes him fucking seethe watching you go about your day getting so handsy and comfortable, and it's been that way since he was a kid, it's bothered him as long as he can remember. As such, even as a kid he's cleverly scheming to get dad out of the way. He comes to you in the middle of the night pretending he couldn't sleep when he really could, he just wants to sleep in between you two so that way he can be closer to Mommy. Whenever you two have a moment alone, he comes barging in with this or that to interrupt you. As he gets older and smarter, he even begins to set traps to get his father injured so that hopefully he's... out of commission in bed (and hey, maybe if he's lucky it'll kill him!). It's actually kind of hard NOT to notice he has these weird moments of bitterness and pouting or even angry outbursts sometimes, but you just never manage to connect them to the fact that they always occur whenever you've shown some sort of affection to your husband, or him to you.
And he doesn't throw a fit or make a scene or anything, when you send him to the Fatui. He accepts the decision. Because he knows that if he acts now, it'll just end badly. No, he bides his time. He's usually not a very patient man, but if he really, truly wants something, he can be the most patient, scheming person alive. He waits. Waits a good long time, years even. You see, he can't risk anything going wrong with his plan, and if he were to straight up violently murder his father (not that he has any problem doing so, from a personal standpoint), he might be found out, and that would significantly disrupt his plans of making a momwife out of you. Can't take the risk. Sure, the thought of you being happy back at home and fucking his dad makes him so mad he could kill, but he just takes that out on whatever he's fighting at the moment and tries not to think about it. In reality, that’s part of the reason he’s such an excellent warrior -- for a long time now, he’s been mentally projecting the image of his father onto his opponents. It fuels his violence. He figures that, eventually, an opportunity will come, something will happen that will provide an opening, and then he'll make a move. That's the whole reason he started writing home so much in the first place, why he started asking specific details on his father's health. You think it's because he cares for his father and wants to have correspondence with his sister, but in reality nothing could be further from the truth.
Once he finds out his father has been feeling a bit unwell... well, there's the opening he needs. Next time he comes home, he knows what he has to do. Dear old Dad has been very, very sick, so now? No one will be too surprised when he dies. But not immediately, no. He has to get his revenge first. See, his father has made him suffer all these years, every day he's had to live with knowing his father gets to fuck you... it's only fair he return the favor.
He makes sure all the siblings are preoccupied or gone for the night, it's just you, him, and his father. It's rather sweet. You enjoy one last normal night together, as a family, before he tells you he has a surprise for you two... in your own bedroom. There's something a bit odd about his tone, his face, grinning so strongly, almost giddy with excitement, but you shrug it off and go nonetheless. You barely make it a few steps into the room before you get picked up and thrown -- you land on the bed, thankfully, but it still knocks the wind out of you, so that by the time you scramble up and become oriented, you're just in time to see him physically forcing his very confused and increasingly panicked father -- who tried to confront him after seeing him manhandle you, but was easily overpowered -- down, cuffing him to a chair, to the wall -- he clearly planned this, if he brought cuffs with him. You ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing, and he simply responds that, well, if he tied him down completely, it wouldn't be as fun to watch him struggle, of course.
And you panic, uncertain of the meaning of it all, but you know you don't like whatever is happening here, and you bolt for the door -- not that you make it, of course, easily grabbed by the collar of your shirt and yanked back. It's not until that shirt is pulled up over your head and thrown to the floor that it sort of clicks. The years of odd behaviors, touchiness, the sudden change and aggression towards you. But now? You can only realize how helpless you are. You can't do anything, he's got one wrist in each hand with a grip of muscle from years of training. It's not as if you don't fight, rather, that your struggling is meaningless, doesn't even have an impact, you're too easily overpowered, it's so easy to put you on your hands and knees, to grab a fistful of your hair and keep your head slammed into the mattress for a few moments while you're mounted.
You don't really... experience what happens next. It doesn't feel real. It feels distant, like you're merely watching the events from outside your body, looking at a picture detached from yourself, you hear your own noises as if it were someone else making them. You're just vaguely aware of the sensation of penetration, the slight burn, until suddenly the intensity of pleasure brings you back to earth, if only for a moment, before again settling into a dissociative state as your brain takes in nothing but sensation. He fucks you from behind on your hands and knees, making sure you're facing his poor father all the while, hand in your hair and pulling you back onto him over and over again -- it stretches you out unlike anything you've ever felt in your life. Maybe that's why you hear yourself making those sounds, sounds you wish you'd stop making, desperate little cries and squeals of pain and pleasure. You can't bring yourself to think much, your mind is still lost, it's the only way you can cope with reality, really, a natural reaction, the only way to process what's happening. You try to keep your eyes shut. It could have been a few minutes, maybe a few hours, you don't remember, only the occasional orgasm that brings you out of it, until it finally comes crashing down when you suddenly feel an absence, a gaping hollowness from where your body had been carved into when he pulls out, and you watch him twist his father's neck in one swift motion. The cracking sound is one that plays over and over in your mind for years to come. You really remember nothing after that. Maybe you passed out, maybe you stayed awake a while longer. You never did find out what happened to the body, at this point you've assumed he threw it out to wild animals.
When you wake up, you could almost forget it all. It almost seems as though nothing happened, a horrible dream, the room is bright and your bed is empty, but your husband often wakes up early, so it's not unusual. You can hear your kids, all of them, from another room. Maybe it really was a dream? It's not until you sit up and feel the burning ache that you become certain it wasn't. Stumble out of the room, disheveled and pained, where the rest of your family is -- minus one.
And your son looks and speaks to you like everything is normal. Smiling like always. Says he's glad you woke up, you sure slept in a long time. Don't worry, you look cute, even all disheveled like that. But he quickly sends the other kids away and pulls you back to the room you came from, saying something in that smiley, fake-happy voice about how he'll help you fix yourself up. And by fix, he means fuck. It's only natural, he hasn't gotten to really have an intimate moment yet, you know? This time you don't have an audience when he throws you down on the bed again, climbs on top of you.
And you reflexively lash out, of course, that's expected, you start to hyperventilate, blubbering incoherently as shock and panic settles in, but he just holds you still, tells you to relax. You don't relax, though. No, you choose to be bad, you thrash around and jerk your arms back and call him a murderer. You say mean things about how he's sick in the head and tell him not to touch you, to get away from you. Ah, you're still in that defiant mood. It's not nice, you know, quite hypocritical, since you've always told him he needs to be nice, but now you refuse to do that yourself. His father never had the balls to put you in your place, he guesses. Thankfully he does.
It's all happening too fast, too quickly for you to process - you're still reeling, still processing that your husband is dead and your son killed him, that your son fucked you, and is about to fuck you again - and you don't know why. That's all you can ask. It comes out in just a soft little sob. Why?
It's the one thing that makes him pause. Why? Because you're his mom and he loves you, of course. Why else?
That's all the explanation you get. It's all the explanation you'll ever get, no matter how many times you ask. Because he loves you. That's all.
That's how it becomes routine. He tells you after that first time alone together that he knows you're smart enough to not try anything, right? Your husband mysteriously disappears... You can blame it on him all you want, but the first person authorities suspect at any murder is the spouse. Really, they'd probably think you're crazy, or that you did it. They'd never believe you. You know that, don't you? Besides, he did it for you, you know. Because it was what you needed. And what he was owed. Dad was in the way, he got in between you two, he had to go. That's just how it is. You realize early on that's he's right, that you are truly, genuinely trapped. No one would believe you, and even if they did... Despite it all, you couldn't. You still love him, he's your son, you can't bring yourself to hate him. How could you ruin his life? Sure, he ruined yours, and yet... You suppose it's what they call motherly instinct. You can't harm him like that.
And he trusts you to be smart even when he has to leave. He pleads and works with superiors to get sent away less often, but even when he's gone, he sends you little reminders of him. You feel sick every time you go to get the mail.
And you're there with open arms - and open legs, even if he has to force it - every time he does come home. He looks forward to your little reunions. He always did, whenever you'd make food and make a celebration out of his returns, but it's better now, now that he gets to look forward to all the lovemaking, as he calls it. He gets food AND pussy now, nice.
He fucks you with a ferocity you could only expect from him, a roughness that matches the way he fights. It's desperate and eager, filled with the urgency and rushed nature of a young man of his age, far more forceful and fast paced than you're used to. He recovers quickly, it's more than you can take, getting bent over and railed over and over throughout a single day, you often lose count.
And the thing about his anger is that not only is he rough letting out the accumulated frustration, but he enjoys the roughness, he can get mean and mocking about it all. He's just so irritated that his brain basically says fuck it (literally) and takes a sort of sadistic pleasure out of Mommy's utter disgust and shock about the whole thing. How does it feel knowing your son is fucking you? You must feel so dirty getting off to having his cock inside you, don't you? You probably feel so much shame and humiliation every time you spasm and cum and clamp down on him, every time you feel warm cum fill your insides.
And don't blame him for any of it. It's your fault. You were the one who tempted him all these years, you're the one who was bossy and demanding when you should have been sweet and submissive to him, you were begging for him to fix the problem, really. To make you the best mom you can be. His father could never do that. His father could never fuck you like he does, and unfortunately, you know he's right.
And his favorite threat is to mention that, hey, you're still young enough to be fertile Mom, what happens if your son knocks you up, hmm? What would you do then? He likes pulling that one, because he can feel your muscles reflexively clench as you jolt with horror (it feels great, really), the way you try to squirm away, the whimpers, it's all too good. The way you beg for him not to cum inside, even though by this point you should know he will anyway. He swears one day, he'll knock you up, just you wait.
As for your other kids... they don't know much. He comforted you after the mysterious disappearance of your husband, everyone knows that, everyone tells you how lucky you are to have a loyal son that supported you throughout such a dark time. The siblings know you two seem closer. The older ones realize that he goes into your room at night. They hear weird noises sometimes. But they don't think much of it, why would they? It's not like the reality is thought that would ever occur as a possibility to most normal people. No, they won't help you, and you can't bring yourself to drag them into this -- besides, you don't know exactly how unhinged he is, and in the back of your mind, you're afraid he could hurt them in some way.
You're still more of a mother, of course, than a wife, he likes you being a mom. He likes it when you're sweet and nurturing and helpful... now he just has the means to make sure you behave that way whenever he wants. You get to be a good mom... all of the time. You have to be. Or else. The "or else" is something you don't like to think about. Early on, when you didn't know the extent of how far he'd go, you tested the boundaries, which was a mistake, you defied him, you were bitter, and you pulled the or else what? You immediately regretted the outburst when you saw his smile drop, you apologized and whimpered you were sorry when he dragged you over to the bed, but he didn't seem to care. And of all the things he could punish you with, it was so like him to choose the most humiliating, putting you over his knee, spanking you over and over until you sobbed and squirmed and your poor ass was sore and reddened for days. The pain was one thing, the humiliation far worse, and that very humiliation made even more unbearable by the knowledge of who was doing it. You learned not to defy him that day, although sometimes you forget your place and have to be reminded in the same way.
So in the end, you resign yourself to it. There's no getting out, there's no solution other than to lay back and take it. You learn to submit, you learn to accept his love. And hey, that's good. That was the whole intention, after all.
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niksfics · 3 years
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↬ FATE
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↬ PAIRINGS: kenma x f!reader (side aka rebound mention) miya atsumu x f!reader
↬ WARNINGS: a whole lotta angst, breakup, it’s an online relationship, kenma is cold and hurts ur feelings
↬ SUMMARY: your relationship with kenma really had felt like the last one. He was it, turns out he didn’t have similar feelings.
↬ A/N: alright loves!! This isn’t proofread at all it’s 2 in the morning I’ll edit when I wake up, butttt Thanks to my lovely ex girlfriend you are now being graced with this steaming pile of trash. (Lovely was not meant sarcastically at all she is in fact very lovely.) Ngl almost, if not all of this story is about my relationship with my ex gf. This is how I cope people. → It’s taken me awhile to actually be able to right something that’s why things kinda stopped. Tbh after she broke up with me it’s been very hard for me to write so hopefully this helps! And I hope you enjoy!! I would also just like to say if it feels a lil weird it’s cause these are things I’ve actually written in my notes I tweaked it a little to fit the story but it’s straight from the source 😩
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You sighed as you opened your notes app. Your eyes scanning over all of the little facts and quirks he had told you about himself. All the stuff you’d wanted to remember. The stuff that had seemed so important to you before. Now it was meaningless, almost like facts about a stranger. Almost as if you hadn’t spent four months learning about and growing with eachother.
You scrolled down a little bit right under, how his favorite marvel character is Spider-Man and you chewed on your lip. Your fingers hovering above the keyboard on your phone. You looked over the facts again. The things he dislikes and the stuff he adores, the things he likes to collect to the way he feels passionately about a certain topic. You begin to type.
Friday June 25th 2022 12:22 Am
I cried again tonight, because I still love you. It’s been a month and six days since we broke up. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest. You seem to be doing fine though, so I’m happy for you! This is the second time since we’ve broken up that I’ve felt actual physical emotional pain in my chest. Remember when I told you how bad it hurt after we broke up? Remember how you didn’t even ask if I was ok? Didn’t even bother to answer. Do you remember that? I remember. I’ve thought about it every day since. I remember it being so bad I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. Wasn’t until I’d called tetsu crying that he’d told me it was just emotional and I should probably try to relax.
I read through our old messages. I’ve never wanted something back so bad. Never wanted to beg anyone to stay till now. I wish you loved me like I love you. I wish I hadn’t grown so attached, wish I hadn’t fallen so deeply into love with you. I wish it wasn’t my fault that we broke up. I wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I wish I was fearless. Wish I could rise into love bravely. I wish I was brave when it came to you. I keep telling myself it was me. It was me not you. You didn’t love me anymore. You don’t love me anymore and you’re just too nice to say that. So you told me in the only way I could handle. Except you hadn’t used the words you should have. You got bored. We both know it’s true. You were bored of it, and I don’t blame you. I know we’ll never talk again, and part of me is so glad. Another part of me forces myself to read through all our messages though. I wish I could just tell you one last time. I love you.
You sighed saving it before closing out of it. Tears you hadn’t known were falling finally became known to you as they streamed down your cheeks. Your eyes puffy as you wet your lips, the salt of them coating your tongue. You were bitter and so were your tears. I briefly wondered what he was doing right now. Probably playing a video game. You knew his schedule all to well by now. Probably testing out a new game for his stream.
A new set of fresh tears fell as you remembered how you used to call him right before he went on. Being lulled to sleep by his occasionally curses and the clicking oh his controller or his keyboard.
You never expected things to end this way. You really thought he was the last one. Yes it had only been four months, but the way he made you feel. The way that it had felt. It had felt final, and you’d been friends before you even started dating.
You sniffle moving yourself to the kitchen to poor yourself a glass of water as you remembered how nervous you were when you first texted him. You had acumulated quite the crush on him back in high school. As Inarazaki’s manager you were required to go to the games, and even after your team lost you had stuck around. Watched him play and cheered him on. Two weeks later you had begun to text, as friends of course. It wasn’t until four months ago that you’d gotten together.
Your anniversary was only two days prior to your break up. You both had never been one to even care about that stuff. You had agreed early on in the relationship that we wouldn’t do anything due to the distance, and the business of our schedules. You were never one for remembering things like anniversaries anyways.
He really did feel like the one. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes you can just feel it. Like, you know that feeling you get when you know something is off or you know for sure something is about to happen even without being told it’s going to. That’s what it felt like to be with kozume kenma.
You thought you knew, you thought this time, this time its for real. You thought it was finally safe to say, that he was the one. You both had even admitted to looking for each others initials in those stupid soulmate tik tok videos.
You were finally in a mature relationship with someone you could talk about anything to. You had gotten so caught up in it, that you didn’t even see the end creeping up on you.
You’d finally gained the courage to text him again. Unfortunately it was in a drunken daze. Your hands shaking as you fumbled with your phone typing things you’d come to regret in the morning. You’d sent him a series of texts telling him how much you missed him, how you didn’t understand how he was so okay. You had been a wreck that night. One of your friends puking in her toilet as you cried. You were happy of course that he was doing so well, but you’d been a wreck for so long and he hadn’t even changed. You told him you wished you could be okay.
When you’d awoken the next morning hair knotted in a complete mess and wiping drool from your chin your heart had sunk even lower. His response was cold. You knew that kenma could be cold. You knew that it was just who he was, but this particular text had felt so unfeeling and unfamiliar, it was as if he hadn’t even sent it himself. He had only ever talked like this to you once and that was when you first became friends all those years ago.
Kozume ❤️
Hey, it’s okay. And yeah you see what I choose to put up. I could be better. But I choose to stay optimistic and busy. Sorry that things are this way.
You had never seen so many periods in a text before. He only used grammar like that when he was peeved, and maybe you were wrong, maybe he’d done that on purpose, but it had hurt so bad. It had caused an ache so deep in your chest that you weren’t sure if you’d ever even dated him at all.
Yeah.
It was the only thing you could bring yourself to respond back with. How were you supposed to respond to that? You’d stared at it for so long and after you’d sent it you wished you had said more. Wished you would’ve said something more insightful than a simple, heartbroken, “yeah.”
Not too long later there was another ping and you held your breath. His name briefly appearing across your screen.
Yeah. I could be better. But I hope you do well soon. I’m sorry that I can’t really do much to help out
And of course you did the only thing you could do. Deflect. Pretend like you hadn’t said what you’d said not even fourteen hours ago.
No it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry that you could be doing better.
He left you on seen. You knew you sounded like an asshole. At least to you, you felt like an asshole. Why couldn’t you have come up with something else. Why couldn’t you tell him the truth. Tell him how you felt. Tell him that you didn’t think you should be broken up anymore. That the month long cruel joke was over and you were ready to spend your nights falling asleep to him playing video games again. You didn’t though, and you never would. You’re not brave enough, too prideful to even try.
You swallowed down the bile rising in your throat as you realized even if you did beg him. Begged him to take you back. Tell him that you still love him. You were too late, and you just couldn’t be selfish when it comes to him. He is over you and it was so plainly obvious. You know that deep down. Know that he’s moved on, and it kills you inside. So you did the only thing you could do. Try and put it into words.
So as you lay in bed the warm body you let occupy your space sound asleep beside you, his toned blonde hair tousled slightly and you sighed. Finally away from the shenanigans of your friends you took a deep breath before you closed your eyes.
You opened up your notes app again and scrolled past the last entry. You swallowed again as you blinked the tears out of your eyes. Your thumbs beginning to move before you even gave them permission.
Wednesday June 30th 2022 1:39 Am
Here I am again. Stuck. Stuck in the same place I’ve been for so long. You know, I write so beautifully when I’m broken. I’m most of my best work is written when I’m being torn apart. But I just, I can’t seem to find the words. I can’t seem to put it into a document and turn out little story into a different story to cope. Can’t seem to write it out. Can’t seem to move on.
I hovered over the unfollow button on your page today, to keep myself from scrolling through your things again. To keep myself from getting hurt. So I don’t have to be reminded. I want to delete it. Delete where we officially met. On a chat through my screen. I wanna wipe the messages clean. And I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. But I can’t.
I want to delete our conversations. The hours long talks we had, but then, what happens afterwards? What keeps the memories alive. I’d never been so in love with someone before. I’ve never actually…. Been in love before. I thought I’d been in love, but it didn’t feel like that, and losing them never hurt like this. Losing someone has never hurt this bad before.
I’ve never felt the emptiness you left so deep in my very being with anyone I’ve ever met before. I can’t seem to pull myself together. And it’s pathetic I know. It’s pathetic that I’m still here. In the same place I was a month ago. It’s about to be two months we’ve haven’t been together. I’m hurting. Hurting so bad. It’s painful to look at you.
I haven’t deleted the photos even though I probably should. They’re still tucked away in an album in my camera roll labeled “us <3” the one one I made specially just for you. The way I’d been so excited when I was finally ready to tell my friends. I even have this stupid notes folder from when we were dating where I wrote all the little things about you that I never wanted to forget. I find you so endearing. Everything you do. I just couldn’t help but right it down to keep it safe so it never leaves my mind. So that I never forget. But now, forgetting is all I want to do.
I never thought there’d be a time in my life where I was more emotionally stunted that I normally. So stunted I can’t even put this, our split up, into words. Make it something entertaining for somebody else to read. Write a book about it. My publicist keeps asking when the sequel for my book will be done. I don’t know if it’ll ever be finished. I can’t do the one thing I’ve always been good at. I’m crying as I write this.
And I wish it would just end here in this little notes app. Wish the love would die in here. I always think I’m over you and then I see you again, and nowadays your everywhere. A very big hit and I’m happy for you and your success, but seeing you makes my heart squeeze in my chest.
I think I’m over you until I play that stupid fucking game that causes me to scream at my phone, or my laptop in frustration, but I just can’t seem to delete it because I know it’s something that you love. That show we used to talk about. I know you know which one, I can’t seem to watch it without thinking of what was. You’ve ruined it forever cause now it only reminds me of you. I know you’ll never see this, but I like to imagine you can. That my time for closure has somehow come.
When you told me you were sorry that things were this way, it was a real slap in the face. It stopped my false hope. My wishing. It all came to a halt. I’m glad. Glad that you’re happier. That you’re better without me. But god, now I’m so fucked up and I can’t even talk to you.
You were the only person I had left. The only one who understood me. And now you’re gone. You took a part of me with you that night. A part that I’ll never get back. I should’ve known that you would leave. I’ve never been able to get someone to stay for longer than three to four months.
I thought I could let my guard down though. I thought we were in the clear. I’d thought finally. Finally someone is gonna stay. I thought you were my person. I still think that to this day. I thought we were gonna make it. And now I’m with this guy I don’t even like. He’s not you, he doesn’t act like you. He doesn’t like video games like you do.
He doesn’t talk to me like you do. Like you did. But you know how it ended I don’t need to put it here. Unfortunately I’ll always love you even if you don’t love me. This is so scattered, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy.
With that you closed the app and put down your phone. Plugging in it and as it dinged miya atsumu rolled over in his sleep. He reached for you his hands wrapping around your waist to tug you against his strong body.
His gravely voice whispering through sleep, “mmm finally decided to come to bed?” You hum moving an arm under on of his to wrap around his thin waist. “Mhm, thought you might need the company.” You began to draw little shapes and letters against his back as he chuckled, “oh yea? How thoughtful of you princess.”
Suddenly it was quiet and your closed eyes opened to his wide brown ones, his eyebrows furrowing .
“Did you just spell kozume on my back?”
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d-criss-news · 3 years
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The Glee star and Emmy winner for The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, Darren Criss, 34, will be releasing his first album of Christmas songs, titled A Very Darren Crissmas (October 8). It includes duets with Adam Lambert, Evan Rachel Wood and an original song, “Drunk on Christmas,” featuring Lainey Wilson.
What was your goal with this Christmas album?
To reintroduce familiar songs in a new way. But I also wanted to take lesser-known songs and make those feel more familiar. And, most importantly, I wanted to take songs that people don’t associate with Christmas but I do—like Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”—and try to make them feel like Christmas songs.
What inspired you to write “Drunk on Christmas”?
It’s about the end of Christmas when everything’s been done. There’s wrapping on the floor, you’ve cleaned things, the in-laws have left and there’s nothing else to do. It’s two people having a sit-on-the couch moment, sipping a glass of cocoa with some SoCo [Southern Comfort] in it.
What is it about Christmas music? Why did you want to do the Christmas album?
Christmas or the holiday season is something that, whether we like it or not, we experience every year, and that comes with a litany of wonderful songs and music that again, whether you have been proactive about listening to it or not, it’s pretty hard to avoid. It’s permeated our cultural consciousness for our entire lives. So if you happen to be someone like me who consumes music at a hyperactive level, I’ve always adored Christmas music.
People say this because of the way that it makes them feel and the things that it reminds them of. There are so many layers to why people enjoy Christmas music. It’s nostalgic, it is very romantic, at least in the true dictionary meaning of the word romantic. And to me, I’ve always loved it for a much more anthropological reason, which is for one month or several weeks out of the year we suddenly subscribe to a certain sentiment that the other 11 we don’t really dial into. We want it all, then we want it to just go away.
What makes Christmas songs different?
As a musician I’ve always loved that Christmas music can employ certain musical elements that otherwise aren’t very popular. To me, it’s incredible that without a doubt the estates of many artists are guaranteed placement on the radio even though many of them have been deceased for many years. The pop charts are dominated by whatever contemporary, awesome artists there are nowadays, but in December you can guarantee that Burl Ives and Dean Martin will be on the radio with the best of them. I find that so charming. It’s because people really, really love this music.
And those songs don’t sound like the sounds that we’re hearing on the radio, sonically, harmonically, rhythmically. They employ a lot of “classic” sounds that evoke the feeling of Christmas. I’m a self-proclaimed genrephile—this is a term I use for myself throughout all the stuff that I do. I can’t help but be so enchanted by this idea that artists have license, and by license I mean an excuse to do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t be encouraged to do, or that audiences wouldn’t necessarily be as quick to absorb.
So, when you’re talking about classic Christmas writing, for lack of a better word, you use clichéd Christmas terminology, you use certain chords, and harmonies, and instrumentations that you just wouldn’t do throughout the year. It leans on the slightly more sophisticated, slightly more musical, and that is really exciting for someone like me.
How much does the fact that your last name is Criss play into this?
If you play music and your last name is Criss, every year someone says, “You know what you should do?” as if they’re the first person who’s ever thought of this idea. So I’ve always wanted to do this; it was just a matter of time. And I also didn’t want it to be phoned in, I didn’t want it to seem like, “Oh, here’s some songs that you know already.”
I wrote this in my liner notes that my favorite thing to do with art, but particularly music, is curate, interpolate, create and personalize. That’s my main thing. I’m an OK singer, I’m an OK musician, but what I really think I have a yen for is trying to interpolate something new that people didn’t know before.
If you think about a song like “Jingle Bells,” it was not written for Christmas. It was a song from 200-something years ago that bears no mention of Christmas whatsoever, but we associate it so heavily with Christmas. Lately I hear Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” come up on Christmas playlists. I think it must have something to do with the Christian angle of the song and the reverence of the word “hallelujah,” but there’s no mention of Christmas.
So there’s a lot of different things that can make people feel like Christmas if you arrange it a certain way, and that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted this cocktail of songs that people didn’t know and I might be able to introduce to them in a really new, interesting way.
You duet with Adam Lambert, Evan Rachel Wood and Lainey Wilson. These people couldn’t be more different. How did you select your song partners for this?
Honestly, people are busy, so I leaned on friends of mine. The album is called A Very Darren Crissmas, and I wanted to make it just that. Songs that are very, very me, doing things that are very me, and using the talents of people who are legitimately in my life. Adam has been a pal for a long time. We’ve known each other from just adventures in Hollywood, but he, of course, was on Glee with me. Evan Rachel is a dear pal of mine; we’ve done some things together. She’s played my festival, and I’ve done comedy sketches with her and stuff. These are all extraordinarily talented singers. As I told them when I asked them to be a part of it, “I’d be very lucky to have you on this record.”
I had not met Lainey Wilson before I started this. But when you’re in Nashville, you are in the Olympic tent of USDA certified prime country singers. And that’s a bit of a blind spot for me as far as who’s on the up and up, who’s somebody that can really give a level of authenticity, legitimacy to a more classic ’50s Nashville sound, which is the song that I wrote called “Drunk on Christmas.” My producer Ron Fair, who has been living in Nashville for a while, suggested Lainey and we got on like a house on fire. She’s an extraordinary talent and I was happy to have her. These were all people that were part of this grassroots friend to friend thing. That’s how I got them and I’m very lucky that they’re on the record.
There are hundreds of Christmas songs. How did you choose what to include?
Choosing was extremely hard. I had a list of about 100 songs. I’m not done; this record is only phase one in my mind. There are so many songs that it will make your head spin. If you go, “Did you think about this song?” The answer is yes, and I absolutely had to deliberate which ones I had to triage out of the sequence.
I even said no to “The Christmas Song,” which is on the album. I didn’t want to do it because I was like, “Everybody knows it; it’s perfect by Nat King Cole,” and Mel Tormé [who wrote it] is one of my favorite artists of all time, much less songwriters and musicians. So I was like, “I don’t want to have to do that.” And on the day when we were there, we just had a guitar and said, “Let’s just do it for fun,” because I love singing that song. But I was like, “It’s been done perfectly too many times, I really don’t want to have to put myself up against that.” But we had a nice take, it’s live in the room. And hey, come on, it’s Christmas. So I left it on there.
If we were to come to your house during the holidays, what would you be listening to?
I’d probably sit you down and play you my favorite songs that you’ve never heard that I think are great Christmas songs. But what’s nice is I’ve now put those songs on this album, hopefully, in a perhaps delusional effort to standardize these songs in the Christmas pantheon. There has to be an air of delusion to being an artist in the first place. If one of these songs that no one’s ever heard before catches on with a family or a person and becomes part of their Christmas playlist every year, then I will have succeeded in my efforts.
What did the Emmy you won for The Assassination of Gianni Versace do for your career?
Although the Emmy has just my name on it, the number one thing that I’m most proud of is it’s more symbolic and representative of the work of the whole team. It is a validation and celebration of the really hard work of people that I spent a lot of time and energy with creating this role.
You have a couple voice roles coming up—in Trese and Yasuke—but what are we going to see you in next, not just hear you?
I don’t know. Let me know if there’s any opportunities. A huge reason for why this album was made was because I had the time. Making records takes a lot of time, and I’m envious of people who are just singers. I don’t know how people do that, that’s just not who I am. I’m a producer, I’m a writer, I’m a musician. It takes so much out of me to make a body of music because someone doesn’t say, “OK, here are the songs, show up on a Tuesday, you sing it and then you leave.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my favorite artists can do that and are blessed enough to be able to just do that. I can’t.
It takes so much time for me to really get in the weeds, arrange, edit vocals, edit instrumentation, mix tracks, really getting in the jungle of music production. I can’t function any other way and that takes an extraordinary amount of time. Even when there was a global pandemic, I still had deadlines that we could barely make to finish this album because that’s just how my brain works.
So I haven’t been able to act. I haven’t had an acting job in almost two years. That’s not entirely true. I’ve had little bit things during the pandemic, but no big series or films or anything like that. It’s just been mostly working from home and being as proactive as I can be. I started a weekly podcast with a friend of mine, I put out an EP. I’ve been extremely busy with high output and low visibility. I’m waiting for the next thing, but I’m not one to sit still. If you give me time, I’m going to fill all the spaces out. So I did that with music this past two years.
Are you going to go back to Broadway now that it’s opening again?
I don’t want to say anything that is not perhaps confirmed 100 percent, but I will say with full confidence that I have always had the intention of going back exactly where we started. I’ll let them announce what’s happening because every show is in its own unique holding pattern. But, yes, right before the shutdown I was doing American Buffalo in New York, and talk about the actor’s dream, that is right up there. Doing a great American play that I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had a long history with that show, and I finally get to do it for real with two of my favorite actors—Sam Rockwell and Laurence Fishburne. They are two acting heroes of mine.
So I was in rehearsals for that. We were about to go into tech, and things got shut down. But we’re in a very fortunate position where you’ve got two huge movie stars, you have a very well-known play and you have a fixed set and just three guys. There are musicals that have orchestras, big choruses and huge set pieces, and the overhead and upkeep of these productions is quite complicated. And a lot of them, for that reason, fell by the wayside during the pandemic, and it’s an awful tragedy. But our set and our billboard and our posters are exactly where we left them. It’s kind of a trip. If you go to Circle in the Square, I keep telling people it’s the longest I’ve ever been on Broadway because it’s just sitting there dormant, waiting to be resurrected.
I think all of us are planning on going back. I think the show is scheduled to reopen almost to the day that it was supposed to open in 2020. We’ll see how the schedule ends up, but you have three guys whose heart and soul is the theater. I don’t want to speak for the other two guys, but I’m almost positive that all three of us would rather be doing that play on Broadway than anything else. So when I say I haven’t had an acting gig in two years, it’s been a comfort to know that that was waiting for me on the other end. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to do it. We’ll have to make sure that everything is hunky-dory with theater audiences, et cetera, et cetera, but that’s the idea.
How did Ryan Murphy casting you in Glee change your life?
I said during my Emmy speech that actors are only as good as the moments they get. I used to say actors are only as good as the parts they get. Take that with a huge grain of salt, obviously, it’s not entirely true. But in context of that moment, certainly you can understand what I meant. Acting is a proactive craft, but in many respects it’s a passive career, where you have to hope and wait for a benefactor, a patron, a supporter to say, “OK, all right, kid, you’re up. I think you can do it.”
I think any artist’s life is a constant compromise between knowing what you can do and what you want to do, and having other people, audiences and creative authorities alike, have an idea of what you can do. You have to have that balance of somewhere in the middle, where hopefully you can rise to an occasion that you know you can do, that somebody’s going to give you the opportunity to do. But you’re not in control of that relationship, and so you have to sit and hope and pray that someone is going to give you that moment and that opportunity. That was something that I’m fully indebted to with Ryan.
Because he did say, “All right, kid, you’re up,” and gave me that shot. We talked about the The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story series for years before we did it. I didn’t think he was ever going to do it. By the time we started shooting, he probably mentioned it to me three or four years prior. And I kept asking about it like, “Hey, you still want to do this thing?” I think he was just always obsessed with the fact that I was half Filipino and that I bore a certain resemblance to the guy. Age and everything, it seems pretty spot-on. But he was a man of his word, and he really did end up making it. So I’m incredibly indebted to him and I’ve always been very effusive about that.
Now that you have this modicum of fame, what would you like to use it to accomplish?
For me, there are so many things that I love in this world that I don’t think other people are familiar with. One of the things about having a modicum of a platform is hopefully embracing that to use it as a gateway drug for stuff that people might not be familiar with. I don’t know if they’re going to like it as much as I do, but I’m looking at this track list and there are songs that I guarantee that you don’t know.
These are all things where I go, “OK, I have this moment of people’s attention, hopefully, this is a fun way to have them have eyes on something that I think is deserving of eyes, and not because of me, but because of other people who have made something amazing.” And, hopefully, they have the same proactive curiosity that I had growing up where I look at the liner notes and see who wrote the songs and where they came from. But we’ll see. We’ll see if people have that reaction.
You’ve accomplished so much. What’s the dream going forward?
The dream is to keep doing me, really. I think all you can do is be as true to yourself and try and do as accessible and as valuable work as you can. And, hopefully, in so doing, represent people, giving them visibility and encouragement towards their own place in the cultural conversation.
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ao3commentoftheday · 3 years
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comment transcript: oh god this made me cry. the end of this made me CRYYYYYYYY ;-;
i’m not good at long comments, my head is very empty, i almost failed english at least once (we cant all be fugo), and i am filled with nothing but love for these characters. but i will say: i think this is one of my favorite things ive ever read. EASILY. i think ive felt the whole spectrum of emotion over the past 2 1/2 days as i read this series. i just. love the way you write. i love your voice, its comedic and poetic and beautiful and it just. flows. so nicely. i watched il postino for the first time the other day (ty buccellati) and maybe it just made me pensive, but i think that movie and this story make me feel similar ways. maybe its the beautiful metaphors. maybe its the ocean. ive never been good at putting things into words, and i keep typing things and deleting things because they don’t make sense, but i get it. when giorno and fugo talk about the whispers between the trees and the sound of the ocean... thats how this makes me feel. i understand it.
also, and sorry if this makes things turn towards the weird, but i think reading this has helped me a lot? like im not a kinnie i swear but i relate so heavily to what these characters are feeling and going through. and i know fiction has power so none of this should surprise me but a lot of the shit theyre realizing and a lot of the conclusions theyre coming to and the things that theyre learning are things that i think i needed to hear. like there’s a lot of stuff in here thats stuck with me and that i’m going to be thinking about forever but giorno’s realization of thinking about things means actually *thinking* about things genuinely made me set my phone down for half an hour and start to sort my shit out. i dont know i guess what im trying to say is this was beautiful and impactful and the way you wrote your characters is so real and genuine and incredible and reading parts of this was almost like cathartic to me and i think, like giorno finally ready to let himself love and be loved, i think this has helped me be ready to face the shit ive been too afraid to face.
there was definitely more i wanted to say and i might come back to edit this comment and add more but my stomach has won over and my mind has completely blanked and i think i need to go make myself lunch. but in a weird fucked up little summary: this was so beautiful and i love the way you write and the characters all feel like real, tangible people and god this was so good. i love the crab shack. im learning that its okay to be unremarkable and its okay to just have a stupid job and make a living and let myself be happy in my little life. i love fugo. slutty but good dad dio made me laugh way more than it probably should have. if this were to get published i would buy it in a heartbeat and read it and reread it until the spine fell apart. if i knew how to wax poetic and write even half as beautifully as so much of this made me feel i would do it right here but i feel like ive already written an essay in your comments section soooooooo instead im going to go eat my little lunch and think about this wonderful world you’ve created and probably reread my favorite little sections. i hope you are doing well and having a fantastic day/month/year/lifetime and thank you so so so much for writing this you have blown my mind and changed my world!!!!!!!!!
edit: ok i wrote an edit for this and then the safari app crashed and i lost it so this wont be eloquent in the least but oh my god i didnt realize how long this comment was until i hit publish. i am so sorry. i really said i wasnt good at long comments and then absolutely word vomited and now im adding more and i cannot believe it but i wanted to talk about and then didnt mention just how much i adore the way you characterized all of them? especially abbacchio and bruno, the way you wrote them was so beautiful and sweet and when i woke up this morning i spent a solid five minutes staring at my wall unable to think about anything except for abbacchio’s unlabeled jar of savings for a honeymoon and how fucking romantic that was. and then it becoming savings for narancia and how bruno would agree that thats the right thing to do and theyre family and they love each other so much and despite everything thats happened in his life abbacchio has so much love in his heart and he has so much kindness and he wants to live and be happy and shit this derailed but i just. ugh. its all so fucking beautiful i just dont have the words to describe. id love to say that i cant believe ive gotten this emotional and felt like my whole mindset has changed this much because of a jojo fanfiction but youre a phenomenal author and i believe it 100%. please never stop writing i would buy every book you were to ever put out
personal note: if the commenter finds this submission, i hope that you know that you changed MY life a little and made me love storytelling to touch the lives of amazing ppl like you <3 of all things it’s a fic about a jersey shore boardwalk au 😭
https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070166/chapters/63406363
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thefirsttree · 3 years
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A personal update + my next game
OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!
Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.
Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.
However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!
And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.
So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.
First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.
So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…
Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.
I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)
And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.
Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.
Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.
It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).
These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.
The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.
So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.
This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.
For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.
So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?
I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.
A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.
With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.
I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!
I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind…  I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”
Thanks for reading,
David
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